# What would your Misery Memoir/Grief Porn be called?



## Santino (Mar 29, 2010)

Mine would be 'No Second Helping of Mashed Potato' in memory of those (thankfully rare) occasions on which my mum or dad made insufficient mash with Sunday lunch for there to be a second helping. Second helpings being the best bit about Sunday lunch.


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## Paulie Tandoori (Mar 29, 2010)

Last one in the bathwater.


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## Epico (Mar 29, 2010)

"My Adequate Childhood"


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## danny la rouge (Mar 29, 2010)

And Dad Cooked Pilchards.


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## kyser_soze (Mar 29, 2010)

'If you don't eat your firsts, you can't have your seconds.'


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## innit (Mar 29, 2010)

"Chew It Ten Times (Before You Can Spit It Out)"

(Mum not always the greatest at roast dinners)


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## fogbat (Mar 29, 2010)

Pie Crusts for Breakfast.


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## existentialist (Mar 29, 2010)

"Sorry, I Forgot You Were A Vegetarian" - A tale of deprivation, resentment, and the consumption of far too much cheese.

The sequel would be "Primary Coloured Jerseys - a young man's desperate attempts to stop his mother buying him eyewatering pullovers"


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## Epico (Mar 29, 2010)

Or possibly, "A Child Called 'It'll Fall Off If You Don't Stop Touching It'!'"


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## Paulie Tandoori (Mar 29, 2010)

Actually, thinking about it, mine would be _'A Ginger Childhood - The Shocking Truth'_


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## marty21 (Mar 29, 2010)

'You can't join the scouts, it finishes too late'  which is probably a better misery memoir than 'my 5 years of scout hell'


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## Boppity (Mar 29, 2010)

"The Life and Times of the Evil Seed."


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## kyser_soze (Mar 29, 2010)

'The Day My Nan Bought Me Snow Speeder Not A Speeder Bike'


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## marty21 (Mar 29, 2010)

'They bought me a second hand chipper, I wanted a brand new chopper'


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## kyser_soze (Mar 29, 2010)

'I Got A Grifter, Not a BMX'


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## madzone (Mar 29, 2010)

'They don't want you back at Brownies'


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## danny la rouge (Mar 29, 2010)

A Boy Called Dan
Flowers In The Garden
Angela's Fine, Thanks


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## idioteque (Mar 29, 2010)

"The Tracy Island Blues"


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## hiccup (Mar 29, 2010)

Hi-Tek Trainers and the Cruelty of Children


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## southside (Mar 29, 2010)

A Flyer skateboard in 1979 which was basically a roller skate stuck to a bit of wood from Woolworth (The wheels sheared of when going round turn 1).


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## quimcunx (Mar 29, 2010)

Lifts Home From Dad - My Teenage Torment.


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## marty21 (Mar 29, 2010)

she put onions in my mashed spuds! - my onion potato hell


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## Idaho (Mar 29, 2010)

kyser_soze said:


> 'I Got A Grifter, Not a BMX'



Yes but it _was_ better than a bmx 

[/denial]


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## Idaho (Mar 29, 2010)

In the Shadow of Infinity Foods: The forgotten victims of the 1970's health food fad.


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## marty21 (Mar 29, 2010)

'she dressed me in a white suit for my holy communion - the others wore their school uniforms'

I think all this torment in my youth should be published, I can now make plans to retire from job hell


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## mrs quoad (Mar 29, 2010)

_He Called it 'Baked Bean Soup.'_


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## AverageJoe (Mar 29, 2010)

'And still it rains' - memoirs of growing up in Wales

'The caravan had no tv' memoirs of going on holiday in Wales

'No Stayprest left so wear Demin' - memoirs of being a teen in the early 80's

'Everyone else can go except you' - memoirs of when your parents couldnt afford to pay for school trips


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## the button (Mar 29, 2010)

marty21 said:


> 'she dressed me in a white suit for my holy communion - the others wore their school uniforms'



Really? Superb. 

I bet you looked like a miniature John Travolta. Although only a pic could confirm this.


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## AverageJoe (Mar 29, 2010)

Drink your council pop.

(Thats what my mum called water)


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## danny la rouge (Mar 29, 2010)

"I Bet It's The Square Window Today"*




(*He did that, you know.  It took me years to work out that he'd seen the morning edition).


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## The Octagon (Mar 29, 2010)

"Never eat beans for your first day of Big School"

Fart once in the opening assembly and it sets the course for the next 5 years


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## DotCommunist (Mar 29, 2010)

'Keep the aspidistras flying'


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## SpookyFrank (Mar 29, 2010)

No junk food, no mega drive; life under the tyranny of middle class guardian-reading parents.


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## mrsfran (Mar 29, 2010)

She Wore Pants On Her Head

The story of my mother's attempts to be wacky by putting pants on her head every single time I had friends round, until even they were bored of it.


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## AverageJoe (Mar 29, 2010)

'You'll meet a lot of girls like that'


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## DotCommunist (Mar 29, 2010)

'No, Jesus, No: Billy Graham defiled my ears'


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## radio_atomica (Mar 29, 2010)

AverageJoe said:


> Drink your council pop.
> 
> (Thats what my mum called water)


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## marty21 (Mar 29, 2010)

the button said:


> Really? Superb.
> 
> I bet you looked like a miniature John Travolta. Although only a pic could confirm this.



i'm not sure a pic exists   I remember the outfit, white shorts, white waistcoat, white shirt, white tie, white socks, white sandals


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## Orang Utan (Mar 29, 2010)

My Uncle And His Friends


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## mentalchik (Mar 29, 2010)

danny la rouge said:


> And Dad Cooked Pilchard Puff



corrected !


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## Orang Utan (Mar 29, 2010)

Not In The Face Grandad, Please!


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## innit (Mar 29, 2010)

"Can't we just have the radio"

(mum gives me and my friends a lift with the incredible string band in the tape deck *again*)


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## Mrs Magpie (Mar 29, 2010)

"There'll Be No Enid Blyton In This House"

or


"Straight To Your Room And No, You Can't Watch Mr Ed The Talking Horse"


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## killer b (Mar 29, 2010)

'fourth-hand green corduroys'


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## discokermit (Mar 29, 2010)

'mom! uncle dave just bit me!'


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## fogbat (Mar 29, 2010)

Fester, surely?


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## marty21 (Mar 29, 2010)

'He farted on the sofa when my friends came round'


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## discokermit (Mar 29, 2010)

fogbat said:


> Fester, surely?


i wouldn't call him that and i'm family. he's got a sword and he really isn't afraid to use it. in fact, he's quite looking forward to it.


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## fogbat (Mar 29, 2010)

discokermit said:


> i wouldn't call him that and i'm family. he's got a sword and he really isn't afraid to use it. in fact, he's quite looking forward to it.
> <photo snipped for dk's safety>



Jesus! 

I, er, I was referring to someone else. On an unrelated message board.

Also, I'm very, very sorry.

*changes name, skips country*


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## fogbat (Mar 29, 2010)

That's quite apart from the fact that I'm in no position to be mocking a shaven-headed, husky, stary-eyed gentleman


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## discokermit (Mar 29, 2010)

i'll take those pictures down later. if he ever finds out i'm raiding his facebook pictures, i'm dead.


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## idioteque (Mar 29, 2010)

discokermit said:


> i'll take those pictures down later. if he ever finds out i'm raiding his facebook pictures, i'm dead.



I believe you


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## discokermit (Mar 29, 2010)

fogbat said:


> *changes name, skips country*


be careful, sometimes he disguises himself as osama bin laden,


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## discokermit (Mar 29, 2010)

idioteque said:


> I believe you


the stories i could tell ya, bless 'im.


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## fogbat (Mar 29, 2010)

I love the genteel way he's swigging at the Holsten Pils


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## discokermit (Mar 29, 2010)

fogbat said:


> I love the genteel way he's swigging at the Holsten Pils


'e's a gent.


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## discokermit (Mar 29, 2010)

he really did bite me, once.


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## radio_atomica (Mar 29, 2010)

my brother's would be 'daddy don't fart on my duvet' don't know what mine would be...


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## Santino (Mar 29, 2010)

_What Do You Mean There's Going To Be No Third Series of 'The Tripods'?_


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## catinthehat (Mar 29, 2010)

The Hats have Ears.

  A tale of one girls struggle to get her mother to remove the ears sewn to her balaclava.  Purposeful when playing mother bear in Spetisbury Primarys Goldilocks and the Three Bears, not so much 2 years later.


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## AverageJoe (Mar 29, 2010)

'Mummmy, how long will this this daddy stay for?'


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## AverageJoe (Mar 29, 2010)

'this isnt a rubiks cube'


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## Riklet (Mar 29, 2010)

The Smell of Burning Mackerel

  

We used to call them "misery shelf" material, when i worked in a second hand bookshop...


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## Ceej (Mar 29, 2010)

'I was the eldest'.

In not-so fond memory of my uncle Mats - the whole quote was that my brother was the clever one, my sister was the pretty one...and I was the eldest. I was scarred...scarred...


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## Cid (Mar 29, 2010)

'4 funerals and a wedding'


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## Clair De Lune (Mar 29, 2010)

"You my dear, are Satans daughter!"
"Well you must be his nan then"

"You are rude not to shut your eyes whilst praying"
"*We* are rude"


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## Reno (Mar 29, 2010)

"I was a Child Transvestite !" My mother was fashion obsessed and she often  bought me small women's clothes rather than boy clothes because she thought they were more stylish. This often made me the laughing stock at my school. She didn't go as far as make me wear dresses, but patchwork, flared dungarees without a zipper or pockets and crud like that. She also used to mascara up my eyelashes, because she thought I was a doll or something.


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## Dirty Martini (Mar 30, 2010)

'A Million Miles from Covent Garden'

One boy's saucer-eyed hankering for the new range of middleclass fresh soups retailed by the recently founded Covent Garden Soup Company. His mother ignores his soft silent pleas and continues to serve him Campbell's Cream of Tomato and Tesco's own-brand Cock-a-Leekie.


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## kyser_soze (Mar 30, 2010)

'Daddy's Cock Taste Different From the Neighbour's'


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## existentialist (Mar 30, 2010)

Dirty Martini said:


> 'A Million Miles from Covent Garden'
> 
> One boy's saucer-eyed hankering for the new range of middleclass fresh soups retailed by the recently founded Covent Garden Soup Company. His mother ignores his soft silent pleas and continues to serve him Campbell's Cream of Tomato and Tesco's own-brand Cock-a-Leekie.


I'm welling up here, and I haven't even THOUGHT about the inevitable soft-focus pic of a flaxen-haired child looking pitifully thoughtful...


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## Boppity (Mar 30, 2010)

radio_atomica said:


> my brother's would be 'daddy don't fart on my duvet' don't know what mine would be...



My brother's would be "I-D-I-O-T spells Anthony!"


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## existentialist (Mar 30, 2010)

Aha, another sequel...

"No, of COURSE they're not 'girl's jeans'!"

_(But they were. And boy, did I ever PAY for that little piece of filial trust...)
_
Oh, and we're mining a rich seam here...

"Prison Boots: wearing your dead grandad's old Oxfords"

"No, they're not that bright a blue - you only think that because you're colour blind"

_(They were. People were being treated for retinal burns in my wake)_

"I don't want MY children looking like they follow the herd"

_(a hommage to the white confirmation suit story, in which iconoclastic mother dresses children in decidedly non-regulation white polonecks instead of shirts to sing in the local church choir, thus guaranteeing permanent back-row status and weekly "the uniform is SHIRT AND TIE" lecture from paedophile choirmaster. With unpublished "do I LOOK like I want to be wearing this shit?" sequel)_


It's gratifying to see how many other people felt aggrieved at the ills heaped upon them by parents


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## bmd (Mar 30, 2010)

"Don't dig me up again Dad"


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## trashpony (Mar 30, 2010)

'The Girl Forced to Wear Green' largely about how my mother believes that strawberry blonde hair is complimented by green clothing so I was given nothing but green clothing for fucking years. I loathe green now, particularly bottle green *shudder*


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## existentialist (Mar 30, 2010)

trashpony said:


> 'The Girl Forced to Wear Green' largely about how my mother believes that strawberry blonde hair is complimented by green clothing so I was given nothing but green clothing for fucking years. I loathe green now, particularly bottle green *shudder*


Be glad. I was a bit of a carrot when younger, and with a high complexion.

Mum thought scarlet jerseys would be a good idea. They tended to make me look like I was in the terminal stages of apoplexy 

(though I did also get an eye-meltingly green shirt once. I still remember with joy and pleasure the day I cut it up for rags and made sure to use it on an irreversibly filthy job on the car  )


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## Clair De Lune (Mar 30, 2010)

Hitting is wrong *Whack
and
Don't fucking swear!


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## story (Mar 30, 2010)

My cruel and divisive stepmother did actually write one of these books, and it was published to great acclaim. She is planning a follow-up that covers the years during which she was terrorising my childhood. Once it's published, my misery porn immediately becomes more desirable to the publisher 

I may call mine She Started It


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## trashpony (Mar 30, 2010)

story said:


> My cruel and divisive stepmother did actually write one of these books, and it was published to great acclaim. She is planning a follow-up that covers the years during which she was terrorising my childhood. Once it's published, my misery porn immediately becomes more desirable to the publisher
> 
> I may call mine She Started It



You should. Then you can be on Jeremy Vile


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## Iguana (Mar 30, 2010)

*Brainwashed​*The story of how a little girl's dreams and desires were corrupted by those she trusted most.  Every Christmas Iguana's manipulitave parents would convince her that that year's popular toy was in fact overpriced rubbish and she really wanted whatever her binman father had found in other people's rubbish.  Each year she would believe that she was happy with these toys, never knowing their sad origins due to her parents' restoration work.  So warped was her mind that when she did discover their _dirty _ secret she was proud of her parents' penny-pinching ways and believed it was a sign of her love.  The damage is so deep that as an adult she still rejects the consumerist mores of respectable society.​


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## existentialist (Mar 30, 2010)

Iguana said:


> *Brainwashed​*The story of how a little girl's dreams and desires were corrupted by those she trusted most.  Every Christmas Iguana's manipulitave parents would convince her that that year's popular toy was in fact overpriced rubbish and she really wanted whatever her binman father had found in other people's rubbish.  Each year she would believe that she was happy with these toys, never knowing their sad origins due to her parents' restoration work.  So warped was her mind that when she did discover their _dirty _ secret she was proud of her parents' penny-pinching ways and believed it was a sign of her love.  The damage is so deep that as an adult she still rejects the consumerist mores of respectable society.​








You're a bit TOO good at this, you know...


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## Maggot (Mar 30, 2010)

You Will Wear Short Trousers


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## RaverDrew (Mar 30, 2010)

Scarface


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## AverageJoe (Mar 30, 2010)

"Son, you're a Palace fan"


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## RaverDrew (Mar 30, 2010)

AverageJoe said:


> "Son, you're a Palace fan"



I feel your pain bro


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## DotCommunist (Mar 31, 2010)

'Bumfinger'


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## kyser_soze (Mar 31, 2010)

'You'll Grow Into Them' - Sartorial Abuse By My Mother


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## bmd (Apr 1, 2010)

'20 yards of purple crimpolene'


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## mrs quoad (Sep 30, 2011)

Bump.

e2a: actually, we were discussing this recently:



mrs quoad said:


> _He Called it 'Baked Bean Soup.'_



My (blind) dad actually chased us through the house, holding two bowls of soup, shouting 'TASTE IT TASTE IT DAMMIT AT LEAST TASTE IT' before running full-on into a chair (whilst we hid in the garden) and coating 2 french windows, a new carpet, and a fat pink armchair in 'baked bean soup.'


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## marty21 (Sep 30, 2011)

"Baked Beans on toast for Christmas dinner" - 

(mostly happened when he insisted on bringing home some mates from the pub


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## Stigmata (Oct 1, 2011)

Balaclava Boy

A talke of a boy who delighted in his stripey balaclava for much of his youth, not realising that it would come back to haunt him when he went to secondary school.


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## krtek a houby (Oct 1, 2011)

_Tweed Trousers, Polo Necks, Sandals & Other Things My Mom Made Me Wear_


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## Jon-of-arc (Oct 1, 2011)

Purple Blazer - 3 Years of Torment from the Tougher Kids at the Comp Next Door


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## Maurice Picarda (Oct 1, 2011)

Boiled Egg With Toasty Pacifists


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## Bakunin (Oct 1, 2011)

Days Of Wine And Madness.


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## Hocus Eye. (Oct 1, 2011)

Jon-of-arc said:


> Purple Blazer - 3 Years of Torment from the Tougher Kids at the Comp Next Door


There used to be a school in my town that had purple blazers as part of their uniform. I always wondered how they managed to get the kids to wear them. Also I wondered how they got anyone to supply them. Don't see them any more.


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## Jon-of-arc (Oct 1, 2011)

Hocus Eye. said:


> There used to be a school in my town that had purple blazers as part of their uniform. I always wondered how they managed to get the kids to wear them. Also I wondered how they got anyone to supply them. Don't see them any more.



I think we had to get them from (and if this name means anything to you, then i think it means were in the same town...) Heelas.  The school shut down, as well...


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## Garek (Oct 1, 2011)

"It's Not Your Room, It Is A Room In Our House"


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## Hocus Eye. (Oct 1, 2011)

Jon-of-arc said:


> I think we had to get them from (and if this name means anything to you, then i think it means were in the same town...) Heelas. The school shut down, as well...


My mate Google thinks you live in Reading. I don't though. I wonder if John Lewis had a contract with some obscure blazer manufacturer for purple blazers. Maybe there are schools all over the country that had purple blazers. I hope not, for the sanity of their pupils who will now be adults. I expect at any time for a syndrome to be named after the purple blazers.


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## sleaterkinney (Oct 1, 2011)

"There are starving children in Africa"


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## Jon-of-arc (Oct 1, 2011)

sleaterkinney said:


> "There are starving children in Africa"



"...so swallow this, bitch"?


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## Hocus Eye. (Oct 1, 2011)

"There are Fourteen Chairs in This House, Sit Down"

This was often loudly declared by my father if I or my sister were to stand up or perhaps move around in the living room for more than a brief moment. I only ever made it eleven, counting two that were upstairs. I guess he was under stress.


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## trashpony (Oct 1, 2011)

Barmaid at Ten - the real truth behind '70s parties


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## tar1984 (Oct 1, 2011)

I went to a school with purple blazers.  Well they were 'maroon' but close enough.


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## Jon-of-arc (Oct 1, 2011)

tar1984 said:


> I went to a school with purple blazers. Well they were 'maroon' but close enough.



Scotland, though.  With the ubiquity of tartan, purple (or even maroon, whatever the fuck that might  be...) probably makes you a cut above.

On the other hand, growing up in the inner city (well, inner town, if you wanna get tekmical on my ass) home counties, suffering the indignity of the daily bus ride (our school on the lower deck, theirs upstairs...) - that's real suffering.


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## jakethesnake (Oct 1, 2011)

tar1984 said:


> I went to a school with purple blazers. Well they were 'maroon' but close enough.


A maroon jacket for maroon shoulders?


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## Voley (Oct 1, 2011)

_"But I Just Want Fish Fingers, Mummy"_

A morality tale about how forcing vegetarianism on your children will make them love kebabs more than they love you.


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## campanula (Oct 1, 2011)

cut off with a knife
The absence of any plasters led to the cruel exposure of knee warts during compulsory trampolining. The only solution to avoid the inevitable bloodfest when the mangled warts returned was radical surgery using my uncle's swiss army knife.  Failed as the resulting growth was even more knobbly - the emotional scars linger to this day.


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## Pickman's model (Oct 1, 2011)

campanula said:


> cut off with a knife
> The absence of any plasters led to the cruel exposure of knee warts during compulsory trampolining. The only solution to avoid the inevitable bloodfest when the mangled warts returned was radical surgery using my uncle's swiss army knife. Failed as the resulting growth was even more knobbly - the emotional scars linger to this day.


what about the real scars?


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## twentythreedom (Oct 1, 2011)

When My Mum Called Me A Cunt


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## Pickman's model (Oct 1, 2011)

twentythreedom said:


> When My Mum Called Me A Cunt


yeh, but that would be 'when my mum called me a cunt' by twentythreedom

the better one is 'when my ma called me a cunt' by cunt jackson (exeter: hesperides press, 1986)


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## Greebo (Oct 1, 2011)

apples for tea again


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## Johnny Canuck3 (Oct 2, 2011)

'He Went Fishing Without You'


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## Pickman's model (Oct 2, 2011)

fishing for worms: annals of an awful childhood


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## Johnny Canuck3 (Oct 2, 2011)

Pickman's model said:


> fishing for worms: annals of an awful childhood



My latin is sufficient to recognize your atrocious joke.


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## rosa (Oct 2, 2011)

If I'd Taken Your Mum To The Pictures Instead Of The Pub, You'd Never Have Been Born


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## tufty79 (Oct 2, 2011)

'they never bought me a pony'


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## marty21 (Oct 2, 2011)

"I heard my parents shag in the next room "


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## Corax (Oct 2, 2011)

"From Kansas to the Somme"


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## Sweet FA (Oct 2, 2011)

'Don't Be Silly, They Look Exactly Like Dr Marten's'


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## boohoo (Oct 2, 2011)

"My mum cut my hair"
"I never got a Barbie"
"Picked last for the team"


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## contadino (Oct 2, 2011)

From Broad Beans to Housefire.


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## rekil (Oct 2, 2011)

ROFCMEO - Rolling On Floor Crying My Eyes Out
I Fought The Christian Brothers And The Christian Brothers Won


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## ATOMIC SUPLEX (Oct 2, 2011)

A vic20 amongst 64s


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## Giles (Oct 2, 2011)

AverageJoe said:


> Drink your council pop.
> 
> (Thats what my mum called water)



My auntie (and then later my mum, who blatantly copied it off her) used to say that as well!

Giles..


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