# the "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" appreciation thread



## Wolfie (Dec 12, 2005)

does what it says in the title - please feel free to share your favourite moments - particularly those involving Lionel Blair 

- who can forget the time that, with just a minute remaining, Michael Aspel gave him Free Willy ...


.. of course he blew it ....


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## Dubversion (Dec 12, 2005)

i remember the look of concentration on Lionel's face when he put everything he had into The Talented Mr Ripley


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## exleper (Dec 12, 2005)

whenever they play cheddar gorge and someone uses something like 'open bracket' or 'semi-colon'...its been done a thousand times before but still forces tea out of my nose.


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## spanglechick (Dec 12, 2005)

One of my singing teachers at acting school was the national treaure that is Colin Sell.   utterly lovely man.


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## Orang Utan (Dec 12, 2005)

'Who will ever forget Lionel Blair, exhausted and on his knees, finishing off An Officer and a Gentleman in under two minutes'

There was something about Samantha and cheesemaking - 'putting big blue veins in her Carephilly'

And then the Anthony Worrell-Thompson sausages. They have a pic of him on the packet, with the legend, 'prick with a fork'.


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## Orang Utan (Dec 12, 2005)

Just found a few more:
"A Mrs Trellis of North Wales has written in to complain that the show has "an enormous fistful of rampant innuendo rammed into every crack", but only a truly filthy-minded person would think such a thing.



Dear Mr Titchmarsh: This morning I went out to dig up some dandelions and a giant hogweed on my lawn. The filthy beast! Yours faithfully, Mrs Trellis."

More Samantha goodies: "She's looking forward to going out for an ice cream with her Italian gentleman friend. She says she's looking forward to licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan.

She's become quite friendly with the two elderly archivists, Jack and Arthur. They've recently gone part time, so Samantha's come to a working arrangement. She does the paperwork, Arthur gets her forty-fives out, and Jack's off all afternoon."





Dear Mr Melly: Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears"

Another Blair:
"Who can ever forget the joy on Lionel Blair's face as he successfully finished off 12 Angry Men in under two minutes using only his hands?"


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## Dubversion (Dec 12, 2005)

Orang Utan said:
			
		

> Dear Mr Melly: Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears"




 x 1 million


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## trashpony (Dec 12, 2005)

This won't be especially funny if you didn't hear it but this evening I found myself having to stop doing the washing up and start clapping at the end of Bob the Builder to the tune of the Girl from Ipanema


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## King Biscuit Time (Dec 12, 2005)

I thought Lionel Blair had fallen on hard times, and can now be found walking around Brighton asking if he can 'bum people for a fiver'.


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## Wolfie (Dec 12, 2005)

"Who could forget that famous occasion on which  Lionel Blair, vigorously moving his hands back and forth in a steady rhythmic action, pulled off One Man and His Dog in under two minutes."


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## Nine Bob Note (Dec 12, 2005)

I is downloading them all off eMule 

"We particularly recall one very early show when Una Stubbs scored maximum points after the teams took only a few seconds to recognise her _Fanny By Gaslight_" 

There was a website listing every opening sound charades joke but it's closed down


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## Wolfie (Dec 12, 2005)

I've found a site with loads of Samantha stuff on it

"Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's been invited to an exclusive club to meet a group of aristocrats. She's very excited to see where all the big knobs hang out. She says at such a posh function she and the other girls will probably end up trying to speak with plums in their mouths"



and even better

"Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow who's brought over a variety of caviars and an array of vodka-based apperitifs. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in his hotel room and then liqour out on the balcony."


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## Nine Bob Note (Dec 12, 2005)

I've found it, too 

"She's become quite friendly with the two elderly archivists, Jack and Arthur. They've recently gone part time, so Samantha's come to a working arrangement. She does the paperwork, Arthur gets her forty-fives out, and Jack's off all afternoon."

"Samantha has to nip out now as she is off to her evening class where the baking instructor is going to assess her efforts. Last week he popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and this week he's promised to try her muffin"


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## Nemo (Dec 12, 2005)

I'm constantly amazed by the sorts of things they can get away with saying so early in the evening.


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## Wowbagger (Dec 12, 2005)

"The next round, teams, is called 'Name That Barcode'."


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## Firky (Dec 13, 2005)

Reminds me of the time Shaun Ryder was on TFI.

Chris Evans: DO NOT SWEAR! We got penalised when you last came on the show, Shaun.

Shaun Ryder: Fair do, Chris. I promise I won't swear.

Chris Evans: Excellent, if you succeed *takes shoes off and places them on desk*, you can have my shoes!

Shaun Ryder: *picks up shoes and looks at soul* FUCKING HELL, FUCKING GUCCI, MAN.


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## Dubversion (Dec 13, 2005)

i thought it was "those are nice fucking shoes, those. fucking Paul Smith"


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## spanglechick (Dec 13, 2005)

Dubversion said:
			
		

> i thought it was "those are nice fucking shoes, those. fucking Paul Smith"


My recollection.  "Patrick Cox! He makes fucking nice shoes, Patrick Cox"


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## Firky (Dec 13, 2005)

Ya get the idea


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## Dubversion (Dec 13, 2005)

spanglechick said:
			
		

> My recollection.  "Patrick Cox! He makes fucking nice shoes, Patrick Cox"




yep, it was Patrick Cox! 

i was still nearer


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## May Kasahara (Dec 13, 2005)

I believe they did get in a little trouble when Stephen Fry offered a new definition of 'countryside': "Murdering Piers Morgan".


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## Brainaddict (Dec 13, 2005)

May Kasahara said:
			
		

> I believe they did get in a little trouble when Stephen Fry offered a new definition of 'countryside': "Murdering Piers Morgan".


 took a moment to get that (harder to spot when written rather than spoken) but then 

I'm going to sound like a spoilsport, but does anyone else find the Samantha jokes quite sexist? Given that she often fills the role of the only female representation in the show (i.e. most of the panel members are male) and is just used to bounce sex jokes off?


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## Dubversion (Dec 13, 2005)

Brainaddict said:
			
		

> I'm going to sound like a spoilsport, but does anyone else find the Samantha jokes quite sexist? Given that she's often the only female in the show and is just used to bounce sex jokes off?



you do know she doesn't exist, don't you?


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## Brainaddict (Dec 13, 2005)

Dubversion said:
			
		

> you do know she doesn't exist, don't you?


 yes, amend to say 'only female representation in the show' or whatever.


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## goldenecitrone (Dec 13, 2005)

Samantha has been collecting records from the record library. The elderly archivist gets quite tired searching for the records so he's put up a camp bed for himself. He's also bought a reclining chair for Samantha so she can put her feet up while he gets his head down.


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## goldenecitrone (Dec 13, 2005)

Brainaddict said:
			
		

> I'm going to sound like a spoilsport, but does anyone else find the Samantha jokes quite sexist? Given that she's often the only female in the show and is just used to bounce sex jokes off?



I just think it's typical English seaside bawdiness. I wonder Lionel Blair hasn't sued them yet.


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## Brainaddict (Dec 13, 2005)

goldenecitrone said:
			
		

> I just think it's typical English seaside bawdiness. I wonder Lionel Blair hasn't sued them yet.


 oh and there's absolutely *no* sexism in english seaside bawdiness is there?


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## Nine Bob Note (Dec 13, 2005)

May Kasahara said:
			
		

> I believe they did get in a little trouble when Stephen Fry offered a new definition of 'countryside': "Murdering Piers Morgan".



They've made a few cunt jokes and they continue to do so, so I guess any complaints don't amount to much. ISIHAC's blue humour is entirely double entendre based, so if you get, you have a filthy mind!


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## Orang Utan (Dec 13, 2005)

Brainaddict said:
			
		

> I'm going to sound like a spoilsport, but does anyone else find the Samantha jokes quite sexist? Given that she's often the only female in the show and is just used to bounce sex jokes off?


Yes. Poor Samantha. She should sue for harrassment.


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## Brainaddict (Dec 13, 2005)

Orang Utan said:
			
		

> Yes. Poor Samantha. She should sue for harrassment.


 oh dear, I'll go and edit. the point is that it's a panel of sniggering men whose running jokes about women are based on the idea of women as sex objects.


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## Orang Utan (Dec 13, 2005)

Yeah - so what? It's funny. On balance, it's also a running joke about decrepit old fool falling for nubile young ladie.


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## jonead (Dec 13, 2005)

BrainAddict said:
			
		

> I'm going to sound like a spoilsport ...



You're right: you do.

Personally my favourites include Willy Rushton's Whistling Dildo (improvised demonstration wih Swanee Whislte)


Samantha tells me she has to nip out to the local golf course where she's caddying for a nice old gentleman. She's learnt all about the different types of club and she says if he gets stuck in an awkward lay she'll pull out his wood and nibblet.


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## Dubversion (Dec 13, 2005)

Brainaddict said:
			
		

> oh dear, I'll go and edit. the point is that it's a panel of sniggering men whose running jokes about women are based on the idea of women as sex objects.




and often women too


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## trashpony (Dec 13, 2005)

Brainaddict said:
			
		

> oh dear, I'll go and edit. the point is that it's a panel of sniggering men whose running jokes about women are based on the idea of women as sex objects.



As someone who's often been accused of being a ranting hairy lesbian feminist of these boards, personally I find the Samantha jokes pretty funny 99.9% of the time. There was one last week which I thought was a bit 'ouch' but generally not.

Anyway - Sandi Toksvig's on the panel next week - and she really is a hairly lesbian


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## Bob (Dec 14, 2005)

trashpony said:
			
		

> As someone who's often been accused of being a ranting hairy lesbian feminist of these boards, personally I find the Samantha jokes pretty funny 99.9% of the time. There was one last week which I thought was a bit 'ouch' but generally not.
> 
> Anyway - Sandi Toksvig's on the panel next week - and she really is a hairly lesbian



Lesbian yes, hairly?  

I refer this to teh Sandi Toksvig poll thread.   

And i love this thread - keep them coming.


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## rubbershoes (Dec 14, 2005)

Brainaddict said:
			
		

> the point is that it's a panel of sniggering men whose running jokes about women are based on the idea of women as sex objects.



they snigger just as much at Lionel Blair who, afaik, is not a woman


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## changingman (Dec 14, 2005)

Nemo said:
			
		

> I'm constantly amazed by the sorts of things they can get away with saying so early in the evening.


And Sunday lunchtime!!

My Lionel fave was (after a set up explaining it was all in mime so speech was not permitted) :

"Imagine Lionel Blair's frustration when he wasn't allowed to use his mouth to finish off Two Gentlemen of Verona."

Sandy Toksvig corpsed for a full two minutes. 

What was the other one about Steamboat Willie, involving Christopher Biggins? 

Saw Humph last night at the Bull's Head in Barnes (monthly gig). He's a national treasure. Very funny at his gigs too..

On Mondays old ISIHACs are repeated on digital BBC7 at 7:30, so you can get a triple dose of Humph.. R4 at 6:30, the oldies repeated on BBC7 at 7:30 then his wonderful jazz show on R2 at 8.


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## changingman (Dec 15, 2005)

was just reminded of this one:

"And who could forget Una Stubbs' expression of amazement when Lionel Blair was given A Town Like Alice and she saw Neville Shute in his face".


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## Cloo (Dec 15, 2005)

Willie Rushden singing the words of 'Love me Tender' to the tune of 'The Archers'. Nearly choked on my dinner!

That and recreating the diner scene from 'When Harry Met Sally' with Clanger-style slide whistles.


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## abee (Dec 15, 2005)

Not to be forgotten.....

Mrs. Trellis of North Wales has written in to say
"Dear Clint, apologies for misspelling your name"......


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## goldenecitrone (Dec 16, 2005)

'And as the raised hoodie of time is ejected from the Bluewater of eternity...'


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## Sesquipedalian (Jan 17, 2006)

I do love this program , haven't listened for a while.

I was discussing it with a friend the other day.
We were trying to work out what our favourite line up would be.

I love Parsons , Merton and Freud.

Are there usually just two guests ?

My choices would be......(let me get back to you.)


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## Dubversion (Jan 17, 2006)

Sesquipedalian said:
			
		

> I do love this program , haven't listened for a while.
> 
> I was discussing it with a friend the other day.
> We were trying to work out what our favourite line up would be.
> ...




i'm not sure Parsons has ever been on it. or Freud for that matter. and no, there are always four guests


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## Balbi (Jan 17, 2006)

That's 'just a minute' isn't it?


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## Sesquipedalian (Jan 17, 2006)

TheLostProphet said:
			
		

> That's 'just a minute' isn't it?




Of course.  

Stoned on skunk.

I really haven't got a clue.

How silly of me.

Could some start a thread on that ?

"Just a minute....All time favourite line up ?"


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## Mrs Magpie (Jan 19, 2006)

Brainaddict said:
			
		

> I'm going to sound like a spoilsport, but does anyone else find the Samantha jokes quite sexist? Given that she often fills the role of the only female representation in the show (i.e. most of the panel members are male) and is just used to bounce sex jokes off?


Yeah, but having been to a few recordings, the joke is that Samantha is actually the (male) producer. He's also the one with the 'Laser display board' which is actually a bit of corrugated cardboard box with felt pen writing. I presume when Samantha wasn't around and it was Sven, they had a female producer.


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## weltweit (Jun 29, 2013)

Just to say, Im Sorry I haven't a clue is one of my favourite R4 programs.

Just a gem of comedy really, highly laugh out loudness


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## DaveCinzano (Apr 12, 2020)

TBT done gorn 









						Goodies star Brooke-Taylor dies with coronavirus
					

The comedian and actor, whose career spanned more than six decades, was 79.



					www.bbc.co.uk


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## A380 (Apr 12, 2020)

He have had his final tea and escaped Nid  for the eternal Mornington Crescent.


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## DaveCinzano (Feb 15, 2021)




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