# Working with unpleasant people



## Thora (Oct 27, 2011)

How do you do it?

I started a new job a month ago, and one person on my team is just a nightmare.  I find her rude and hostile, we've already had a confrontation/falling out and are barely talking, but unfortunately work quite closely together.

I've never worked with someone I find so difficult before and really don't know how to deal with her/this situation!  It's making me feel quite stressed about work already.


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## miss giggles (Oct 27, 2011)

Have you spoken to anyone else about her? Often more than one person has these difficulties.


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## Thora (Oct 27, 2011)

miss giggles said:


> Have you spoken to anyone else about her? Often more than one person has these difficulties.


Oh yes, I cried all over our manager about it after our confrontation!  She immediately said yes, X can be really difficult - she apparently didn't speak to another colleague for 8 months over some minor slight (which is funny seeing as X told me the team worked really well together until I started working there   She only starting talking to this other colleague in August!).  Another colleague who started at the same time I did also remarked to me today that X is quite hard to work with.  She's been there about 4 years though and is good friends with our manager though.


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## Yuwipi Woman (Oct 27, 2011)

There's always at least one of those, isn't there?


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## Santino (Oct 27, 2011)

Twice I have used the magic of a common interest to charm otherwise prickly work people. It's surprising how people can change when they think you like something they like. I guarantee it*.

*Not a guarantee.


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## Thora (Oct 27, 2011)

Santino said:


> Twice I have used the magic of a common interest to charm otherwise prickly work people. It's surprising how people can change when they think you like something they like. I guarantee it*.
> 
> *Not a guarantee.


Hmm... I kind of don't want to reward her bad behaviour by being extra nice to her and trying to win her over!


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## Santino (Oct 27, 2011)

Thora said:


> Hmm... I kind of don't want to reward her bad behaviour by being extra nice to her and trying to win her over!


Then punch her in the tits.


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## Paulie Tandoori (Oct 27, 2011)

Do you have any staff social things, were you might be able to chat outside work and see whether she's a nutjob or just (for example) feeling highly pressured at work?

Last time I worked with someone who kept being hostile and angry, I ended up leaving the job tho, partly cos she sent me up the wall.


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## Thora (Oct 27, 2011)

There's an inset day on Monday, but she's only _just_ talking/listening to me enough to communicate essentials at the moment (as in literally cuts me off or leaves the room if she thinks she has heard enough of whatever I am saying!) so I can't see any chatting happening.  I don't think she's a nutjob or under a lot of pressure - she's just one of those people who can only do or see things her way and aggressive about her point of view.  I bet she has long-running disputes with her neighbours too.

I have a feeling that she mostly doesn't like me because she is a lot older than me and has been in her job for years, and yet I am new and on a higher pay grade and am a lot more qualified than she is.  She has a real thing about me undermining her (in her eyes - I don't feel I have at all and our manager agrees with me).  We have different approaches to our work though, she is quite old school.


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## Schmetterling (Oct 27, 2011)

Oh god, you poor girl (I presume?). I have just escaped from such a nightmare. The best words to describe it are: an abusive relationship as she could also put on the charm so it left one constantly fearful of what mood she would be/what she would do next. I have never been in one with a partner but I still recognize it when I see it. I temp and was moved temporarily (was meant to be two weeks) from there, but I have told my managers that I will *not* go back there. Her behavious was so extreme that I came to the conclusion that she has - probably - narcistic personality disorder. As I have no frame of reference for her type of behaviour I also had no coping skills. In effect, she bullies people and is well aware of it. The festerering, malignant cunt!!!!


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## ShiftyBagLady (Oct 27, 2011)

How nice are you required to be to her? If she's acting like an idiot then treat her like one and don't allow her to dominate with her bad attitude. You're both there to do a job and if she is preventing you from doing yours, as in not communicating with you when she ought to, then either request the information from her or ask your manager. You don't have to manage her, you only have to get on with what you're employed to do.


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## nagapie (Oct 27, 2011)

I was managed by an extremely unpleasant individual last year. This year she is still in my team but not my manager so less authority. Last year I considered leaving, this year it's just about bearable but still stressful. As your person has been there for some time, we can only assume management don't care that she is difficult so she won't be leaving any time soon. This year as my colleague was no longer my boss, I have become quite patronising to her because she just won't listen. I am also better at my job than she is at hers so all attempts at trying to undermine me have failed. Now she has started being nice to me, nothing a bully hates more than someone standing up to them. Don't take any shit from her and record anything unprofessional she does when interacting with you, cutting someone off all the time is well out of order.


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## Random (Oct 27, 2011)

Shame that she's a friend of the manager, but at least you're on a higher pay grade than her.


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## oryx (Oct 27, 2011)

What did your manager say she would actually_ do_ about it (apart from saying x could be really difficult)?

If she's really upset two people something should be happening, even if at this stage it's only having a word with her.


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## Thora (Oct 27, 2011)

She asked me if there was anything I wanted her to do, but didn't say she would do anything.  I didn't really know what to ask her to do to be honest!  She also said I just needed to keep trying with X.


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## weltweit (Oct 27, 2011)

I only once had to work with someone genuinely unpleasent. Luckily I did not work for them, or they for me, it was while I was relatively junior, they were the head of a department that was located next to me in the office. Person was just basically unpleasent all the time. I tried to develop strategies to deal with it but mainly I tried to simply ignore them.


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## Thora (Oct 27, 2011)

nagapie said:


> I was managed by an extremely unpleasant individual last year. This year she is still in my team but not my manager so less authority. Last year I considered leaving, this year it's just about bearable but still stressful. As your person has been there for some time, we can only assume management don't care that she is difficult so she won't be leaving any time soon. This year as my colleague was no longer my boss, I have become quite patronising to her because she just won't listen. I am also better at my job than she is at hers so all attempts at trying to undermine me have failed. Now she has started being nice to me, nothing a bully hates more than someone standing up to them. Don't take any shit from her and record anything unprofessional she does when interacting with you, cutting someone off all the time is well out of order.


I remember you posting about this woman nagapie - at least this woman isn't my manager!  I have considered just cutting my losses and leaving too, but actually the job is great, good money, good career-wise, 2 minutes walk from my house.  There's a possibility I could ask to move teams though.


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## nagapie (Oct 27, 2011)

I think if someone told you the team worked fine together until you came that that is so out of order that you should ask to move teams. Just make sure that manager is not going to start giving you grief as it's her friend. You're not on a probationary are you?


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## Thora (Oct 27, 2011)

nagapie said:


> I think if someone told you the team worked fine together until you came that that is so out of order that you should ask to move teams. Just make sure that manager is not going to start giving you grief as it's her friend. You're not on a probationary are you?


I haven't had a contract yet so I don't really know if there's a probationary period   Yeah, she also said that the two other people at her grade felt I undermine them too - I did tell the manager that and she agreed it was a really unfair thing to say.  I don't think the manager will give me any grief - she was certainly very supportive and positive about me when we had this meeting and quite honest about the issues with X.  The problem with moving teams though is either someone would need to swap with me, or someone would need to leave another team creating a space (probably someone at the same grade as me too) and it would be fairly disruptive - but I guess I can make it clear that I would like to move teams as soon as the opportunity arises.  I have another supervision meeting in about a month so will raise it then if things haven't improved.


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## friedaweed (Oct 27, 2011)

Tell them you don't want to upset them but you find their behaviour quite oppressive. This has always worked for me. A few years ago I had a right old hag on my case. One day I just came out with that in front of the whole team when she was on one. It stopped.

Failing that imply that her body odour makes you nauseous .


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## nagapie (Oct 27, 2011)

Thora said:


> I haven't had a contract yet so I don't really know if there's a probationary period  Yeah, she also said that the two other people at her grade felt I undermine them too - I did tell the manager that and she agreed it was a really unfair thing to say. I don't think the manager will give me any grief - she was certainly very supportive and positive about me when we had this meeting and quite honest about the issues with X. The problem with moving teams though is either someone would need to swap with me, or someone would need to leave another team creating a space (probably someone at the same grade as me too) and it would be fairly disruptive - but I guess I can make it clear that I would like to move teams as soon as the opportunity arises. I have another supervision meeting in about a month so will raise it then if things haven't improved.



That doesn't sound like swapping teams is really an option. Tbh your manager is going to have to intervene if nothing else works and she gets worse. If they haven't mentioned a probationary period, there probably isn't one but if there was one, and they would have to be following proper line management procedures if there was.


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## twentythreedom (Oct 27, 2011)

Bone her


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## tendril (Oct 27, 2011)

The only real way to deal with it is to talk with her. Don't be chummy, be professional. Ask why she has an issue with you, maybe say that the situation is detrimental to the team or something.


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## grit (Oct 27, 2011)

friedaweed said:


> A few years ago I had a right old hag on my case. One day I just came out with that in front of the whole team when she was on one. It stopped.



This, this, this. Its the age old bully syndrome bollocks. Stand up to them and I'd imagine things are going to change pretty quick. A lot of people are afraid of confrontation for some reason, so when someone finally does it it will catch them off guard.

I did this just last week and it was amusing the see the immediate change of tone in emails and face to face


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## equationgirl (Oct 27, 2011)

Having worked with some difficult people in the past (and currently), I find the best thing to do is to act completely professionally, firm bur fair and neutral. If their behaviour is poor, your professionalism makes their bad behaviour more obvious to any observers, and removes the chances of you being blamed for provoking or antagonising the other person.


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## Yu_Gi_Oh (Oct 28, 2011)

This sounds really dreadful actually, but I worked with a complete nutter of a woman a few years ago who was intent on making my life and my team's life hell.  After trying to be reasonable/professional/nice for a few months I just decided to mess with her mentally in the hope that she'd explode/quit.

I used to be sickly nice to her some days, ignore her others, alternate between eye contact and looking just past her, pretend I hadn't done stuff so that when she complained about me to the boss I could produce the work with a confused look. Pretend not to understand her instructions and go and ask her superiors instead.

Very childish but it kept me going, I hated her _so_ much.  She made at least 30 people frightened and miserable on a daily basis.  Her agression used to terrify the younger staff members.

But you work with kids, so all-out psychological warfare might not be the best thing to do.  

More constructively I kept a list of things she'd done, things she'd said etc and when I had a good enough list I wrote a letter to the big bosses and they sacked her.  

I hate bullies.


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## Xanadu (Oct 28, 2011)

I often have to work with people I don't like.  You are there to work, not be chummy with everyone.  It's just a bonus if you get on well with the people you work with.

When someone is consistently rude or hostile to me at work, I will either immediately make a comment on it, or be uncooperative in an overly-professional/red tape manner (if they are asking for something to be done).  As soon as they soften slightly, I will react hugely positively.

If she's cutting you off, then leave important information until the end of your chat.


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## Thora (Oct 28, 2011)

Interesting turn of events today.  After I left yesterday she managed to offend/upset 3 people from another team.  The other team's manager was very angry about it and apparently has said to my team manager that this has happened (people getting upset) every year for the past four years, and it is always X causing it.  My manager "doesn't want to get involved" in this particular incident as she didn't witness it personally  but apparently will be talking with X this afternoon and exploring ways of dealing with her behaviour.  However she _did_ witness X being rude to me earlier and said fuck all about it


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## quimcunx (Oct 28, 2011)

It's her job to get involved.


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## FridgeMagnet (Oct 28, 2011)

You're not going to get any joy out of your manager if this has been going on for years and everyone knows it. Can you go higher, or do you know somebody who can?


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## girasol (Oct 28, 2011)

Sounds like your manager is letting her personal friendship with X get in the way of her professional duties.


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## Random (Oct 28, 2011)

Sounds like the manager can't be arsed. Probably secretly scared of this idiot as well and wants to keep everything positive nice positive nice.


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## Random (Oct 28, 2011)

Yu_Gi_Oh said:


> More constructively I kept a list of things she'd done, things she'd said etc and when I had a good enough list I wrote a letter to the big bosses and they sacked her.


 This is key. Keep a list starting as soon as possible. If you do go over your manager's head you'll need to to have really good documentation and show that it's never been cleared up.


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## kittyP (Oct 28, 2011)

I have worked with people I didn't like or particularly get on with but some people just manage to go that extra mile and make your work life impossible.
Working in a school too its difficult to just say fuck it and go find another job in the way that some people in the private sector can do sometimes.

I ended up having a nervous breakdown from some bitch's headwork
I really did feel that I must have been being over sensitive but after I went off sick so many more people came out the woodwork.

I guess keeping a log of what has happened, maybe even emailing you manager every time something happens and if they wont do anything, go over their head, but tell them this is what you might have to do.

My issue was the nightmare was my manager and the management system meant I had no one else to go to


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## silverfish (Oct 28, 2011)

Keep being nice, collect/document, record when you have talked to your manager about herband detail what was said/not said.

Hopefully other people are doing the same ( i don't really advocate the organised " ganging up" on a bully/shit colleague as weaker colleagues can start to fucking enjoy it too much, causing much more shit behaviour)

Hopefully she'll fuck enough people off outside her team and above and some one will squeeze the ineffective managers balls/foo foo

If nowt happens drop the bomb further up the food chain......with irrefutable evidence

Its always better if evil colleague has offended a client I find


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## Spanky Longhorn (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't go over your manager's head too soon, no point getting her back up in your first year if you can help it.

Do keep a diary though just in case, remember to record how it makes you feel.

Instead consider doing what someone above said, expose her in front of others - say she makes you feel really uncomfortable and is frankly rude and unpleasant.


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## Captain Hurrah (Oct 30, 2011)

Worked with twats before, but luckily the senior management hated their guts, so I got off lightly in disciplinary hearings, after the mutual dislike exploded into foul-mouthed slanging matches (sometimes objects were thrown).  I was bullied by one manager for months in 2005 though, after he took exception to one joke I made about him in the spirit of banter, but I just wrote about his laziness and fuckwittery on a popular employee bitching internet forum (now-defunct), posted up pictures (which he saw) and humiliated him.  I hate bullies, and I always do the revenge thing with them.


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## Mr Blob (Oct 30, 2011)

Thora said:


> I started a new job a month ago, and one person on my team is just a nightmare. I find her rude and hostile, we've already had a confrontation/falling out and are barely talking, but unfortunately work quite closely together.
> 
> I've never worked with someone I find so difficult before and really don't know how to deal with her/this situation! It's making me feel quite stressed about work already.


yeah, we all dread misfits in workplaces-   hopefully they are semi forced out eventually


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## Thora (Oct 30, 2011)

Have spent most of today feeling anxious about work tomorrow, which isn't much good for me or my family   Have done the sums with Mr. Thora and we can just about afford for me to stay at home (especially since childcare is almost as much money as I earn ) so at least if things don't improve I have a way out.  Think I will endeavour to sort things out/move teams, but if it's still miserable by Christmas I'll cut my losses.


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## equationgirl (Oct 31, 2011)

girasol said:


> Sounds like your manager is letting her personal friendship with X get in the way of her professional duties.



This. A lot.

Do you keep a diary of events like this? It can be quite useful


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## equationgirl (Oct 31, 2011)

Thora said:


> Have spent most of today feeling anxious about work tomorrow, which isn't much good for me or my family  Have done the sums with Mr. Thora and we can just about afford for me to stay at home (especially since childcare is almost as much money as I earn ) so at least if things don't improve I have a way out. Think I will endeavour to sort things out/move teams, but if it's still miserable by Christmas I'll cut my losses.



If you think you might leave anyway, you could make a complaint on the way out the door....


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## equationgirl (Oct 31, 2011)

Remember the problem is not you, it is her, and you always have urban75 peeps supporting you.

Do you need someone to be blunt to her? I'm _very_ good at being blunt


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## Thora (Oct 31, 2011)

She totally confused me today by being friendly and chatty   I wonder if the manager had a word with her on Friday.


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## Schmetterling (Nov 1, 2011)

Thora said:


> She totally confused me today by being friendly and chatty  I wonder if the manager had a word with her on Friday.


Makes it worse in my opinion; makes us even more nervous trying to work out /fearing how they will be today.
The dumb fuck, cunt-bubble was 'nice' to me yesterday as well because she wanted me to explain how to do something on the computer ... of course she couldn't see the finger I stuck up at the receiver.


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## nagapie (Nov 1, 2011)

Friendly and chatty doesn't last with people like that. My colleague tried that recently. Today she was really rude to myself and another member of staff. When I had a word with her about it, she told me she was going to report me to her union. Hilarious as she crossed a picket line a couple of months ago.


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## _angel_ (Nov 1, 2011)

Captain Hurrah said:


> Worked with twats before, but luckily the senior management hated their guts, so I got off lightly in disciplinary hearings, after the mutual dislike exploded into foul-mouthed slanging matches (sometimes objects were thrown). I was bullied by one manager for months in 2005 though, after he took exception to one joke I made about him in the spirit of banter, but I just wrote about his laziness and fuckwittery on a popular employee bitching internet forum (now-defunct), posted up pictures (which he saw) and humiliated him. I hate bullies, and I always do the revenge thing with them.


This wasn't the now infamous washing up liquid incident?


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## Captain Hurrah (Nov 1, 2011)

One of them.


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## Frances Lengel (Nov 1, 2011)

Thora said:


> How do you do it?
> 
> I started a new job a month ago, and one person on my team is just a nightmare. I find her rude and hostile, we've already had a confrontation/falling out and are barely talking, but unfortunately work quite closely together.
> 
> I've never worked with someone I find so difficult before and really don't know how to deal with her/this situation! It's making me feel quite stressed about work already.


 
Shit in her handbag.


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## Schmetterling (Nov 2, 2011)

Frances Lengel said:


> Shit in her handbag.


Unfortunately, DNA and all that but I have considered my cat's shit...


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