# Work/life balance...



## tangerinedream (Nov 4, 2012)

Over the last couple of years I've felt like my control over work/life balance has spiralled out of control. I've become anxious, crabby, snappy and prone to exploding over little things in my home life. I've been to counselling which helped in the short term but I know the answers and am not putting them into practice. In short, I've failed myself and people around me in doing the things I need to do to keep my mental health in order. I'd leave my job and get a less stressful one if I could, but I can't financially and I think I can cope and even enjoy my job if I can just stay motivated to manage myself better.

Basically, I look at myself and I dislike the fact I've become some kind of empty husk who worries about everything and achieves little outside of my work as I'm always worrying about it - The anxiety isn't even logical as I'm competent at my job. It's become like an addiction, a mental process I can't break.  

In short, I'm not looking for virtual hugs. In fact, I hate ((())) and I don't deserve sympathy - I'm looking for anyone else who feels this way to join this little island of a thread in motivating each other to do things like writing, drawing, playing sport or whatever it maybe to help achieve some sort of management of the stresses. 

Anyone else?


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## tangerinedream (Nov 4, 2012)

Actually, maybe this isn't the right forum...


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## Manter (Nov 4, 2012)

tangerinedream said:


> Over the last couple of years I've felt like my control over work/life balance has spiralled out of control. I've become anxious, crabby, snappy and prone to exploding over little things in my home life. I've been to counselling which helped in the short term but I know the answers and am not putting them into practice. In short, I've failed myself and people around me in doing the things I need to do to keep my mental health in order. I'd leave my job and get a less stressful one if I could, but I can't financially and I think I can cope and even enjoy my job if I can just stay motivated to manage myself better.
> 
> Basically, I look at myself and I dislike the fact I've become some kind of empty husk who worries about everything and achieves little outside of my work as I'm always worrying about it - The anxiety isn't even logical as I'm competent at my job. It's become like an addiction, a mental process I can't break.
> 
> ...


Totally know what you mean, have been there in spades.  

I ended up hospitalised having collapsed from exhaustion- having ignored all of my body's attempts to point out I should probably wind it back a bit....  

I am trying to think of something motivational to say, but.... er... change so you don't end up in hospital?


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## Greebo (Nov 4, 2012)

No hugs for you, just this: If you don't slow down, you'll be forced to slow down.  I've seen it happen far too often.


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## Manter (Nov 4, 2012)

Greebo said:


> No hugs for you, just this: If you don't slow down, you'll be forced to slow down. I've seen it happen far too often.


that was a much more elegant way of saying what I was blithering about!


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## Hollis (Nov 4, 2012)

How many hours are you putting in a week?


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## tangerinedream (Nov 4, 2012)

No, that's useful. I think I'll end up somewhere bad if I don't sort it out. What is it people say, something like, if you don't love yourself, no-one else will love you, I dislike myself at the moment and it's because I don't do anything I value. It's like self defeating, I say to myself - I need to do x, y or z but I always find an excuse or reason not to. I was really ill a few years back and that got me to look at myself and change some stuff and actually, I got better at my job as a result. A lot of stuff has changed since then and I need to change what I do again.


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## Greebo (Nov 4, 2012)

Manter said:


> that was a much more elegant way of saying what I was blithering about!


I was told it by a very smug yoga teacher.  Unfortunately, her smugness didn't make it less true.


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## tangerinedream (Nov 4, 2012)

Hollis said:


> How many hours are you putting in a week?


 
It depends, if you count physically sitting doing work, it's not so bad, maybe 50/60 but mentally a lot more, if that makes sense. I've lost the ability to unwind.


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## Hollis (Nov 4, 2012)

That seems like a hell of alot of hours to do working.  I'm lucky in that they physically shut the building at 7pm, so that's that.  Nowt much to add really, other than the obvious!  Maybe take a holiday, to get yourself away from it for abit?


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## Manter (Nov 4, 2012)

tangerinedream said:


> It depends, if you count physically sitting doing work, it's not so bad, maybe 50/60 but mentally a lot more, if that makes sense. I've lost the ability to unwind.


this thread is total deja vu....  

Stuff that works for me:

book some stuff that means you *have* to go away from work at least one night a week at a reasonable time and do something mentally absorbing.  volunteer, learn a language, whatever

if you have a crack berry, turn it off from eg 7 to 7, unless you are expecting a work call that is critical. get a persona mobile/pda so that you can keep in touch with friends etc without just 'happening' to check work emails and getting wound up again.  keep electronic devises out of the bedroom and do something like read for an hour before you go to sleep, as that is much better at calming your brain than internet/tv

Exercise more- even just a walk outside in the fresh air- and don't always use alcohol to try and decompress.  My doc said don't use alcohol to relax, but let's keep this realistic....

Talk to your friends.  About anything (except work )- Just ask a question and let them ramble- reaching out to people makes a huge difference.

Say no.  Since I started saying to to stuff I didn't think was reasonable, in my interest or just remotely interesting, my career has taken off.  I am respected more for doing 60% of what I used to- and am much much better at that 60%


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## StoneRoad (Nov 4, 2012)

Rather trite comment I'm afraid, but if your work is taking over, you need to find something different to do - such as a form of exercise that you enjoy, or a suitable hobby to get involved with - as your job sounds a little too "sitting down all day" for your own good.
This has worked for me......


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## tangerinedream (Nov 4, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. Going to kip and tomorrow going to try to set some limits for the main jobs I have to do and get them done without trying to reinvent the wheel. The ideas I've basically got about what I could do are as follows... 

- Get up earlier a few times a week as I work better in the morning with no disturbance - hence feeling more able to unwind in the evening as I'm not chasing my tail as much. 
- Write some short stories - I really need titles or something as I just end up writing about myself which isn't very interesting
- Draw some stuff using a set of pastels I was bought nearly a year ago and I've not even opened. 
- Plan something to look forward to on Friday, like a film night or something for myself. I find I just collapse on Friday and it's a waste of time. 
- Walk more often. Use the time to listen to music.


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## tangerinedream (Nov 4, 2012)

The whole not checking work stuff is so true. I'm typing on my work laptop at the moment and the temptation to just check emails is massive.

Stoneroad, it's not a trite comment - My job is quite interesting but it becomes my whole life and that's not interesting to anyone else. Glad to hear you have got happier


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## tangerinedream (Nov 4, 2012)

Manter: thanks for the advice - some great stuff there. I definitely don't listen enough to other people.


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## Manter (Nov 4, 2012)

tangerinedream said:


> - Write some short stories - I really need titles or something as I just end up writing about myself which isn't very interesting


Writing magazine (while v odd in many ways) has a short story competition every month.  My dad used to religiously submit stories- once even won a prize- when he was super stressed at work and travelling loads.  Some of the subjects are pretty cool- and there is a deadline, which focuses the mind...


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## Manter (Nov 4, 2012)

Greebo said:


> I was told it by a very smug yoga teacher. Unfortunately, her smugness didn't make it less true.


one of my bosses told me to take up yoga before I got ill.  I have no idea whether it was a helpful suggestion, or a put down....


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## tangerinedream (Nov 4, 2012)

Thanks, that's exactly the sort of stuff I need to hear. I appreciate it no end. (the writing magazine stuff I mean!)


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## Thimble Queen (Nov 5, 2012)

Try having a tangerine dream day. Every now and then book a day off work just for you to do what ever you like. Even it its just catching up on sleeps or watching your fave crap telly programme! You could use the time to do the drawing or writing that you mentioned. I'm having an MDK  day today. It works for me, although I did spend part of the weekend worrying about having a day off. I've managed to relax into it now!


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## Manter (Nov 5, 2012)

tangerinedream said:


> - Get up earlier a few times a week as I work better in the morning with no disturbance - hence feeling more able to unwind in the evening as I'm not chasing my tail as much.


 
my other half has a daylight alarm clock that he swears helps him wake up properly/feel better when he wakes up



tangerinedream said:


> - Plan something to look forward to on Friday, like a film night or something for myself. I find I just collapse on Friday and it's a waste of time.
> .


 
love film subscription


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## Pingu (Nov 5, 2012)

Greebo said:


> No hugs for you, just this: If you don't slow down, you'll be forced to slow down. I've seen it happen far too often.


 
^^

this

i left a job not long back that paid twice what I am on now (which is still a decent whack). however weekends blurred in weekdays and when i started tracking the time i was putting in it was an average of 65 hours a week. i hadnt had a proper holiday in 4 years.

now i hadnt noticed anything particulalry wrong until a mate i hadnt seen for ages told me I looked like shit.

ok these days i earn less but i have far less stress and my average working week now is about 48 hours. I feel much much better for it. you adjust to the money side real fast and the best bit is that i get to keep my weekends and have even had a couple of holidays. My BP is normal, my stress levels are probably slightly elevated but nothing bad and I am amuch more relaxed person.


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## Thimble Queen (Nov 5, 2012)

Manter said:


> love film subscription



We've got film its pretty good. Its got quite a few series on it as well as the films. It's really good for nights when you are too tired/cant be arsed to deal with people.


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## tangerinedream (Nov 5, 2012)

Glad to hear it. There is definitely something in the idea that time is more valuable than money. I also find that it's kind of true that you live to your means. That you think you'll be happy if you have more money, but that once your beyond the level of worrying about bills/food, actually it's not especially true. 



Pingu said:


> ^^
> 
> this
> 
> ...


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## tangerinedream (Nov 5, 2012)

Manter said:


> my other half has a daylight alarm clock that he swears helps him wake up properly/feel better when he wakes up
> 
> 
> 
> love film subscription


 
Used to have one, didn't really use it. What I have however got is a cupboard full of DVDs I've saved from newspapers and bought, half of which I've never watched.


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## Thimble Queen (Nov 5, 2012)

tangerinedream said:


> Used to have one, didn't really use it. What I have however got is a cupboard full of DVDs I've saved from newspapers and bought, half of which I've never watched.



Watch them


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## Greebo (Nov 5, 2012)

MrsDarlingsKiss said:


> Watch them


I ought to take that advice too, there are half a dozen dvds which were bought over 6 months ago and haven't been watched yet.


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## Thimble Queen (Nov 5, 2012)

Greebo said:


> I ought to take that advice too, there are half a dozen dvds which were bought over 6 months ago and haven't been watched yet.



Watching films can be a really good way to relax if you're feeling consumed with work stuff or other stressful stuff. Partly because it can provide a bit of escapiness. Getting stuck into a series is really good for that its another world that you can jump into. There are seven seasons of Buffy


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## tangerinedream (Nov 5, 2012)

Aye, I will watch the DVDs - I might even use it as an excuse to write some film reviews just for fun. It's definitely going to be my Friday night thing while it's dark and miserable out. 

In pointless update of my 'progress' I've managed to do something with my laptop which I can't believe I never thought of before. I've made a new profile called 'home me' which means I can boot up my laptop without seeing all the work crap that will stress me out. Miraculous! I honestly am amazed it's taken me 9 years in the job to think of that. 

Also got some writing going on. Not a lot, but just a little to start. Anyways, thanks again for the replies, going to write a wee bit, then get some kip as going to work early to get some stuff done instead of bringing it home.


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## tufty79 (Nov 5, 2012)

MrsDarlingsKiss said:


> Watching films can be a really good way to relax if you're feeling consumed with work stuff or other stressful stuff. Partly because it can provide a bit of escapiness. Getting stuck into a series is really good for that its another world that you can jump into. *There are seven seasons of Buffy*


i'm about to inherit someone's vhs buffy collection, and will be experimenting on their effect on my stress levels some time next week


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## tangerinedream (Nov 5, 2012)

MrsDarlingsKiss said:


> Watching films can be a really good way to relax if you're feeling consumed with work stuff or other stressful stuff. Partly because it can provide a bit of escapiness. Getting stuck into a series is really good for that its another world that you can jump into. There are seven seasons of Buffy


 
I've been using The Wire, but I'm taking a break from it for a little while because it's so good, I don't want to consume it like popcorn. I also find one of the symptoms of stress is a certain kind of hyperactivity so I personally want to work on doing things that are active to use that energy healthily.


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## Greebo (Nov 5, 2012)

MrsDarlingsKiss said:


> Watching films can be a really good way to relax if you're feeling consumed with work stuff or other stressful stuff. Partly because it can provide a bit of escapiness.<snip>


Great in theory.  In practice (unless I get up insanely early), what happens is that I'll have to pause the dvd or get up from it at least a few times.  Which gets on my nerves more than if I hadn't watched the dvd in the first place.


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## Thimble Queen (Nov 5, 2012)

tangerinedream said:


> I've been using The Wire, but I'm taking a break from it for a little while because it's so good, I don't want to consume it like popcorn. I also find one of the symptoms of stress is a certain kind of hyperactivity so I personally want to work on doing things that are active to use that energy healthily.



Different strokes innit


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## Thimble Queen (Nov 5, 2012)

Greebo said:


> Great in theory.  In practice (unless I get up insanely early), what happens is that I'll have to pause the dvd or get up from it at least a few times.  Which gets on my nerves more than if I hadn't watched the dvd in the first place.



That sounds a bit boo. I know what you mean though. My thing that i struggle with is being able to focus on one thing at a time. I'm meant to be watching Angel with the fella now but I'm also on FB, ebay, urban and pinterest all at the same time! I'm going to put the phone down now


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## tangerinedream (Nov 5, 2012)

That's the modern curse isn't it. Technology is great till it means you can't actually appreciate something because you've got stuck on the idea there is always something else, better, cheaper, newer to see.


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## tangerinedream (Nov 5, 2012)

So, 300 words done, left it at a point where I need to work out 'what happens next' - feel better for doing it.

Why has it taken me so long to get some perspective? (rhetorical question!)


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## Hollis (Nov 5, 2012)

tangerinedream said:


> I've been using The Wire, but I'm taking a break from it for a little while because it's so good..


 
Chortle - another * risk* of the workaholic is turning all your leisure/relaxation activities into tasks - or work substitutes - like having to watch the whole of a boxed set (for example..).. Its something I know I have the ability to do..   .. rather than simply 'watching the Telly for 1/2 hour'.. that's not good enough.


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## Manter (Nov 5, 2012)

Hollis said:


> Chortle - another * risk* of the workaholic is turning all your leisure/relaxation activities into tasks - or work substitutes - like having to watch the whole of a boxed set (for example..).. Its something I know I have the ability to do..   .. rather than simply 'watching the Telly for 1/2 hour'.. that's not good enough.


God, I recognise that. I once stayed up till 3 finishing the Borgias boxed set, on some bizarre task driven high


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## Cloo (Nov 6, 2012)

TD - a good tip I've heard for people having trouble unwinding is to actually book something nice - theatre, gig etc. Then you *have* to leave work to do it and you're more likely to be able to turn off work mode.


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## Greebo (Nov 6, 2012)

tangerinedream said:


> <snip>Why has it taken me so long to get some perspective? (rhetorical question!)


*Wilfully taking your rhetorical question as unrhetorical* 

Putting something into words and then reading it back gives enough distance to make it look more like somebody else's problem. And sorting out somebody else's problem is often easier than doing the same for your own.


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## hiccup (Nov 6, 2012)

I don't have a massively stressful job or anything, but it is very computer-based, and so is much of my leisure time, which means watching telly/films/reading internets/whatever else you might use a computer for doesn't feel so much like downtime.

So I try and do stuff that doesn't involve staring at a screen a couple of times a week, as I find it acts as a much better "reset". In my case it's karate classes, long dog walks, meeting the wife for a coffee after work, or sitting in my shed listening to 90s hip hop and reading cook books, but, you know, whatever works for you.

Also, it means more interesting stuff will have built up on Twitter, and I'll have more Words With Friends turns to play when I do boot up a device.


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## girasol (Nov 6, 2012)

Another vote for finding something that unwinds you. Work was stressing me out a lot in the past, but finding lots of things to do outside of work (i.e. cycling to work, jogging, etc) has helped a lot.

I find it very hard to unwind, I need to be physically exhausted to feel relaxed!


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## tangerinedream (Nov 6, 2012)

Greebo said:


> *Wilfully taking your rhetorical question as unrhetorical*
> 
> Putting something into words and then reading it back gives enough distance to make it look more like somebody else's problem. And sorting out somebody else's problem is often easier than doing the same for your own.


 
That is so true - I'm really good at advising other people in finding solutions. I always have been good at that, yet hopeless sometimes when I have an almost identical problem.


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## tangerinedream (Nov 6, 2012)

Hollis said:


> Chortle - another * risk* of the workaholic is turning all your leisure/relaxation activities into tasks - or work substitutes - like having to watch the whole of a boxed set (for example..).. Its something I know I have the ability to do..  .. rather than simply 'watching the Telly for 1/2 hour'.. that's not good enough.


 
Yep! Tru dat. I find I've become unable to do 'pointless' things - everything needs a purpose, even if it's just to complete the set, so I'm trying to do some things just for their own sake.


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## Greebo (Nov 6, 2012)

tangerinedream said:


> Yep! Tru dat. I find I've become unable to do 'pointless' things - everything needs a purpose, even if it's just to complete the set, so I'm trying to do some things just for their own sake.


Okay then.  The purpose of the otherwise pointless stuff is to help you relax so that when you are at work you're able to work better.  Relaxation and down time also prevents your immune system becoming weak.  Will that do?


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## tangerinedream (Nov 6, 2012)

Oh, I agree, pointless stuff is good. It's not about making me more productive, but I agree that's a pleasing by-product, it's just the whole anxiety and hyperactivity of stress makes it feel like everything must have a purpose, like every minute of every day needs to be spent 'achieving' something - which is ridiculous when viewed from outside myself I know, logically, some of the best things I've done and learned have been when doing 'pointless' tasks, just for their own sake. My old boss used to say he hated holidays at the beginning because he couldn't handle them, couldn't work out what to do and I used to laugh at him, but recently, some of the holidays I've had have been shit, because I've not been able to switch off, even if it's not actually doing work, it's the whole idea that I've forgotten how to 'play,' to just idle and enjoy it. Anyways, bed!


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## Adam Norris (Nov 16, 2012)

Winding down can be a difficult thing to do. I find that my mind is racing when I get home from work and I find it difficult to separate my work life from my personal one. You should definitely allow yourself a couple of hours to wind down and prepare yourself to sleep. I have found that developing a sleeping routine has been incredibly effective, for example avoid caffeine and have meals around four hours before I plan to sleep. Also where you sleep do be a productive-free zone, avoid watching television in bed, therefore your brain and body associate your bed with sleep and relaxation. Where you relax and sleep should also be comfortable, I myself have a memory foam mattress, which works for me and could work for you, however if not there are so many options available to you. Hopefully these tips could help you relax and unwind after work!


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## tangerinedream (Feb 10, 2013)

So, I've been quite happy in the main since I last posted on here. I've been cycling after work and at the weekends, got some nice little 10 mile routes worked out and I've managed to read quite a few books as well, which is great, because it feels like the exercise has helped me unwind and improve my concentration, plus on weeks where I've got 3 or 4 bike rides in, I definitely have felt more awake and alert, which means I get more done at work. I think half the thing is knowing that I will get stressed, that's normal and natural, but an hour on my bike will fix it, or clear my head enough to see how to fix it. I've also been deliberately trying to listen to music more healthily, to try and develop a relationship with music that I buy by listening to it repeatedly instead of searching constantly for new stuff, which oddly seems to also have cheered me up. Hopefully I can keep this up as summer approaches and better weather comes.


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## PursuedByBears (Feb 10, 2013)

Biking solves a lot of work-related stresses for me.  I'm lucky in that I cycle to work and zealously make time for a lunchtime ride, so if I'm struggling with something at work I'll put it to one side, go out at lunchtime for eight miles or so from the university to town and back through the beautiful countryside and I generally have found a solution by the end of the ride.  Magic.


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## Individuator (Jun 13, 2013)

read this thread some months back (was searching the web trying to find out the name of that annoying presenter of BBC's Coast with umbrella  - why put him on telly? WHY?  - and came upon tangerinedream's funny comments/thread)...so anyway, I then read this thread and thought, wow, that shit sounds familiar...anyway - heres some interesting reads (recommend reading in order):
1) Undoing the Ego - by Nouk Sanchez
2) Dreams - by Carl Jung
3) The Wisdom of Insecurity - Alan Watts
4) The First and Last Freedom - by Krishnamurti

none of this is based on any religion, beliefs, superstitions or any prescribed knowledge..actually, these are classified as severe inhibitors to awareness


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## Greebo (Jun 13, 2013)

Individuator the umbrella bloke is Nicholas Crane.


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## moon (Jun 13, 2013)

Have you tried watching youtube videos of people drawing and painting? It's so relaxing and motivating.. Here is a good one


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## girasol (Jun 13, 2013)

Exercise is indeed one of the best ways to relieve stress, which we all suffer from.  Modern living = stress and we're not adapted to cope with it, no matter how much we like to think we are.  We are adapted to deal with stress there and then, but we can't anymore.  It all builds up and we become anxious, angry, depressed, etc...

... but it's not enough.  Also necessary are intellectual pursuits, good friends and fun times


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