# Wildly different views of my competence - how do I make sense of it?



## golightly (Dec 10, 2011)

Here's a thing...

I work in the vile public sector trying to ensure that people don't harm themselves or harm others amongst other things.  Now, I  have just been nominated for an organisational award for being an all round good egg or summat.  My response to this was wtf!  The reason for my response is that I've recently been involved in an inquest where my judgement was questioned due it's potential influence in events that resulted in a man committing suicide.  The details really don't matter in this discussion, but I know that I gave a very good account of myself and the service.  I also know that there were many things I could have done better.  It's more the question of how do I reconcile these two things in my head?  I know that the two aren't related to each other than that they occured about the same time, but I am really struggling with how I reconcile these wildly different takes on my competence.  I know I'm somewhere in the middle but I do feel somewhat battered by circumstance.  Any advice or thoughts gratefully received.


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## boohoo (Dec 10, 2011)

Inner critic is useful but can be destructive (although critic is perhaps the wrong word here). The inner critic can find it hard to accepts others opinions when they are saying you're great and your inner critics is thinking about all the stuff you could have done better.

(My own personal example is with my degree results - I spent years thinking others deserved a first more than I did - I could pick holes in all my work and why others performed better - however eventually I had to accept that the people marking thought I deserved top marks.)

So basically accept that others think you did a good job (or the best in the circumstances). It can be difficult. But give yourself a break.


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## Puddy_Tat (Dec 10, 2011)

I would probably also say wtf in similar circumstances, but my first question would be

do the people who have nominated you for the award understand your job and the parameters you work within?  in which case it might be meaningful.

do the people who criticised you at the inquest also have a similar understanding?

there is a tendency for the press / public / politicians to criticise social workers (for example) if harm comes to any vulnerable person and the "incompetent social workers" have "failed to act" - they are also usually the first to make an almighty fuss if those same "interfering social workers" do act before anything drastic happens...


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## hegley (Dec 10, 2011)

golightly said:


> The reason for my response is that I've recently been involved in an inquest where my judgement was questioned due it's potential influence in events...


Are you being hard on yourself about the inquest, when in fact your judgement would have been questioned regardless? As standard procedure in that particular type of case, iyswim?


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## golightly (Dec 10, 2011)

hegley said:


> Are you being hard on yourself about the inquest, when in fact your judgement would have been questioned regardless? As standard procedure in that particular type of case, iyswim?



Yes I think I am.  The death of my client happened in June and the inquest took place at the end of November so it has been weighing on my mind.  I know that there were certain procedures that I could have carried out more thoroughly but I also know that they would not have influenced the tragic outcome.  Curiously the coroner deemed it as not a suicide by some legal sleight-of-hand, which I am finding particularly hard to reconcile with the facts of the case.



Puddy_Tat said:


> I would probably also say wtf in similar circumstances, but my first question would be
> 
> do the people who have nominated you for the award understand your job and the parameters you work within? in which case it might be meaningful.
> 
> do the people who criticised you at the inquest also have a similar understanding?



Yes, definitely in the first case as it was the manager of a neighbouring team.  The coroner should have a good understanding of health and mental health issues but I did find his line of reasoning puzzling.  Tbh, and this may be the crux of my discomfort, I think he gave me an easy ride.


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## golightly (Dec 10, 2011)

boohoo said:


> So basically accept that others think you did a good job (or the best in the circumstances). It can be difficult. But give yourself a break.



Bad habit, I know.  But I guess many people are their harshest critic.


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## Puddy_Tat (Dec 10, 2011)

I've no direct experience of coroners' inquests, but one strand to official investigations of things is that there is a need to ask certain questions, whether they think you may be guilty or not,simply to cover / eliminate the possibility, so that some lawyer can't later ask "could X have been the case?" - the officials need to be able to answer "no" confidently rather than "I don't think so but we didn't investigate the possibility."

which on re-reading is pretty much what hegley said.

for example, any driver that's involved in a road traffic accident that gets attended by the police will be asked when they last had a drink (in one i witnessed, the bus driver involved, who is also a methodist lay preacher, gave them a year rather than a time or day) - it's not anything personal, if you see what i mean.  a question isn't necessarily the same thing as an accusation.

I do believe that coroners have a tendency to try and avoid 'suicide' verdicts either if there is any doubt, or to avoid the 'stigma' of suicide, and will try and prove accident or misadventure if they can.


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## Termite Man (Dec 10, 2011)

But being able to see where you have failed (I don't if thats the right word to use) means you can learn from the experience and I guess with what you do no case is the same so people are bound to fail because you can't prepare for every eventuality, but now you are in a better position for helping people in the future because you have learnt that little bit more.


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## golightly (Dec 10, 2011)

Oh indeed.  I know that I'm a more skilled and knowledgeable worker than I was, and every experience I've had has helped that in some way.  Losing a client is such a high price to pay for learning though.


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## girasol (Dec 10, 2011)

Hey, congratulations on the award!!!  Very sad about your client, but I suspect that's something that comes with the territory for people who do your type of job (and doctors, etc)


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## Cloo (Dec 10, 2011)

hegley said:


> Are you being hard on yourself about the inquest, when in fact your judgement would have been questioned regardless? As standard procedure in that particular type of case, iyswim?


This was my first thought- I guess they have to question everything under the circumstances.


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## Kidda (Dec 10, 2011)

golightly said:


> Oh indeed. I know that I'm a more skilled and knowledgeable worker than I was, and every experience I've had has helped that in some way. Losing a client is such a high price to pay for learning though.


It was not your fault.

No matter what judgements you made, that outcome was not your fault.


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## Mrs Magpie (Dec 10, 2011)

I know you as a measured, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate man. You did not hand your client the means to end his life, nor did you make him want to kill himself. He decided to kill himself, despite your involvement, not because of it.


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## Mrs Magpie (Dec 10, 2011)

...and with the benefit of hindsight, I bet the entire adult population has at sometime thought, 'if I had known then what I know now, I may have acted differently'. That applies to the professional and the personal, but we can't see into the future so we do the best we can at the time.

Anyway, people don't get awards because all employees names have been put into a hat and one is drawn out randomly. People will have nominated you because they think you're very good at your job.


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## Mr Moose (Dec 10, 2011)

Sounds to me like your organisation, which understands that your work is complex, difficult and sometimes challenging for even the very best staff, is telling you they value you and have confidence in you.

Good for you.


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## equationgirl (Dec 11, 2011)

Do you feel guilty or to blame for this man's death in some way? To me it sounds as if you do, and the award is making you uncomfortable because of this. In my opinion.

I'm sure you did your professional best in a difficult situation and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, the world needs more compassionate people like you.


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## ShiftyBagLady (Dec 11, 2011)

The thing to remember is that the nomination is based on your work as a whole and the inquest was regarding an isolated incident; one case whereas the nomination represents an appreciation of your work as a whole; your commitment, approach and integrity.
I see that the inquest has left you with misgivings, raised some issues that might need still to be addressed (ie, the particular line of reasoning, why you feel you were given an easy ride and if that's perception or fact and what you can take with you from this difficult and sad experience) and it's worth pursing that, particularly if you think that the inquest was lacking and it's indicative of poor process or that more could be learned from it. But it's equally important to keep a broad view and consider the good you do and the integrity you do it with


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## ShiftyBagLady (Dec 11, 2011)

Mrs Magpie said:


> I know you as a measured, intelligent, thoughtful, compassionate man. You did not hand your client the means to end his life, nor did you make him want to kill himself. He decided to kill himself, despite your involvement, not because of it.


And absolutely that^


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## Mapped (Dec 11, 2011)

Amongst other things maybe they're trying to tell you that you dealt with that terrible situation well and they know that you weren't to blame.


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## golightly (Dec 11, 2011)

Thanks for all the observations; they really do help.  I know intellectually that the job I do is never going to be routine and I'm bound to experience great highs and lows.  I really value people helping me to get a bit of perspective on things and reminding me of what I ought to know.  Tbh, another factor in my 'wtf!' response to the nomination is that I've been off sick for six weeks with a broken shoulder which hasn't helped me feel particularly effective.  Thankfully, nothing too appalling has happened while I was away.

I just want to add that one of the difficulties I had with the death of my client was that I have a really good relationship with his mother and I do feel very sad for her and, naturally, guiltythat I could not head off her son's death.


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## Mrs Magpie (Dec 11, 2011)

I saw your x-rays  That's enough to knock anyone sideways.


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## Callie (Dec 11, 2011)

I have a friend who was put through the wringer at work in fairly different circumstances but I think the outcome would have been the same, they also were responsible for the care of others - that is a LOT of stress and worry and what ifs to have to deal with. To have something like that hanging over you for months on end is not going to have done you any good at all and it'll take along time for you to get back to any sense of normality I think. Be kind to yourself in any way you feel you can.

Its probably unlikely but can work offer any support to help you deal with the aftermath of all this? Do you think it might be worth seeking some kind of support from your GP or something?


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## golightly (Dec 11, 2011)

Well, I've been to a debriefing meeting with other people involved after the inquest.  That did help.  Tbh, I don't feel that I've been harshly judged for my actions and I understand the need to investigate when someone dies to identify the casue of death and determine if there is anything that could have been done.  My immediate boss has been very supportive; indeed he came to the inquest with me.  What I struggle with is that it feels that my fortunes change so rapidly and how I feel about my own competence changes as rapidly.  I guess I need to get better at assessing my competence in different areas of my work rather than having this global idea of am I good or am I not.


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## Miss-Shelf (Dec 11, 2011)

golightly said:


> Well, I've been to a debriefing meeting with other people involved after the inquest. That did help. Tbh, I don't feel that I've been harshly judged for my actions and I understand the need to investigate when someone dies to identify the casue of death and determine if there is anything that could have been done. My immediate boss has been very supportive; indeed he came to the inquest with me. What I struggle with is that it feels that my fortunes change so rapidly and how I feel about my own competence changes as rapidly. I guess I need to get better at assessing my competence in different areas of my work rather than having this global idea of am I good or am I not.



to some extent external judgements of your work, anyones work, will be only approximate to how you actually perform.  It also depends on how the organisation views itself and what it needs at that time.

well done on getting an award - sounds like they are recognising all the qualities you do have that make you good at your job


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