# Jobs where it's generally accepted that you are a massive thief



## DotCommunist (Aug 17, 2013)

Quartermaster in the forces

Politician

any more for any more?


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## Minnie_the_Minx (Aug 17, 2013)

Estate agents and Landlords


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## Badgers (Aug 17, 2013)

weher?


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## spawnofsatan (Aug 17, 2013)

Scrap man.


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## QueenOfGoths (Aug 17, 2013)

Any job where you have access to toilet rolls


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## discokermit (Aug 17, 2013)

security guard.


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## Minnie_the_Minx (Aug 17, 2013)

QueenOfGoths said:


> Any job where you have access to toilet rolls


 
and stationery


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## Libertad (Aug 17, 2013)

Shoplifter.


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## peterkro (Aug 17, 2013)

Wharfie/Docker.


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## spawnofsatan (Aug 17, 2013)

Welder


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## spawnofsatan (Aug 17, 2013)

Travelling Tarmaccer...


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## bmd (Aug 17, 2013)

Any underpaid job where you're left alone with the stock for a few minutes. Well, let's be honest, any job where you're left alone with the stock for a few minutes.



Badgers said:


> weher?


 
Yes. As in "Romeo, Romeo, weher for art thou Romeo?"


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## Gromit (Aug 17, 2013)

Professional thief. 
Cat burgler. 
Bank robber. 
Mugger. 
Used car sales. 
Mechanic.


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## el-ahrairah (Aug 17, 2013)

i say Mugger was a vocation rather than a job?


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## free spirit (Aug 17, 2013)

undercover cop?


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## Orang Utan (Aug 17, 2013)

Working in a shop. Cos we were.


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## Jon-of-arc (Aug 17, 2013)

taxi driver, person who clears up after pub closing, any other job where people often lose wallets , phones etc for staff to do with as they see fit.


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## Dandred (Aug 17, 2013)

Leader of a communist party.


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## Fez909 (Aug 17, 2013)

Airport baggage handler


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## twentythreedom (Aug 17, 2013)

Longshoreman, stevedore


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## snadge (Aug 17, 2013)

spawnofsatan said:


> Welder


 
How so?


Although I do steal a lot of time.


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## DotCommunist (Aug 17, 2013)

working in the count room at a casino


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## spawnofsatan (Aug 17, 2013)

Miner


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## peterkro (Aug 17, 2013)

Piano player in a whorehouse.


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## silverfish (Aug 17, 2013)

Angolan customs officers


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## Maurice Picarda (Aug 17, 2013)

Baggage handler


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## spawnofsatan (Aug 17, 2013)

Squaddie


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## RedDragon (Aug 17, 2013)

Diamond cutter


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## RedDragon (Aug 17, 2013)

Cash incinerator (does such a job exist?)


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## emanymton (Aug 17, 2013)

RedDragon said:


> Cash incinerator (does such a job exist?)


 
I believe so, and that it is bloody hard to steel.


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## twentythreedom (Aug 17, 2013)

DotCommunist said:


> working in the count room at a casino


No way - have you seen the security and surveillance at big Vegas casinos? Hardcore.


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## twentythreedom (Aug 17, 2013)

Anyone working in a charity shop


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## Part 2 (Aug 17, 2013)

Customer Services at Asda. As recently experienced by my mate who lost her iphone in there.

She switched the tracker on and could see where it was in the building. Even when it was ringing behind the desk the CS worker pretended it wasn't there and the security guard had to come and get it from the back of the drawer.


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## Jon-of-arc (Aug 17, 2013)

bookies.  apparently, theyre so rife with thieving employees that they almost never prosecute due to the likely resultant bad publicity.  the person who told me that was himself sacked after getting caught doing a painfully obvious and inept scam of placing £1 bets and then changing it to £10 if it turned out to win.  I was amazed this was even possible, in the age of computers, but he had them out of 10k or so before they noticed.


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## tufty79 (Aug 17, 2013)

activist.
especially if you're visiting an independent whisky distillery. 'undreds of paaahnds of islay single malts to nick from the people who're nice enough to give you a free tour


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## stuff_it (Aug 17, 2013)

DotCommunist said:


> Quartermaster in the forces
> 
> Politician
> 
> any more for any more?


Warehouse operative in Sports Warehouse (judging from the rules about wearing any branded sportswear to work).


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## DotCommunist (Aug 17, 2013)

stuff_it said:


> Warehouse operative in Sports Warehouse (judging from the rules about wearing any branded sportswear to work).


 

ha, yes, I met my bestest m8 on his way out of a wincanton warhehouse. He was wearing so many layers he looked like a michelin man and how mthe fuck he managed to walk out wearing three belts I will never know.

Berghaus jackets were his speciality. We did the maths one time and he must have jacked at least 13k's worth of gear. Everyone was at it.


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## marty21 (Aug 17, 2013)

I worked in 2 well known book shop chains years ago - there was a lot of book 'borrowing' going on - by staff- the permanent kind


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## FridgeMagnet (Aug 17, 2013)

marty21 said:


> I worked in 2 well known book shop chains years ago - there was a lot of book 'borrowing' going on - by staff- the permanent kind


I don't think you can really steal books though. They belong to the people.


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## bi0boy (Aug 17, 2013)

Burglar


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## discokermit (Aug 17, 2013)

RedDragon said:


> Cash incinerator (does such a job exist?)


i worked near a place that melted down rejected pound coins. a bloke got sacked for shoving them in his rigger gloves everytime he got a chance.


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## discokermit (Aug 17, 2013)

snadge said:


> How so?
> 
> 
> Although I do steal a lot of time.


that was the exact same process i went through when i read it.


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## DotCommunist (Aug 17, 2013)

FridgeMagnet said:


> I don't think you can really steal books though. They belong to the people.


 

You could fix my thread title while you are here, I look like an illiterate fool. Well, even more of one.

come on, do a brother a favour


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## FridgeMagnet (Aug 17, 2013)

Oh all right. Misspelling *and* apostrophe.


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## Looby (Aug 17, 2013)

Orang Utan said:


> Working in a shop. Cos we were.



God yeah. My first shift in a corner shop, the woman training me told me the wages were shit but the boss didn't keep track of stock properly.

He was a wanker as well and would leave you alone for 6 hours at a time and then bollock you if you locked up to have a piss.

I supplemented my wages with ciggies, wine and gin.
Plus all the magazines we could read in a shift. They were all shit but it was a lonely job.


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## stuff_it (Aug 17, 2013)

discokermit said:


> i worked near a place that melted down rejected pound coins. a bloke got sacked for shoving them in his rigger gloves everytime he got a chance.


My ex worked in a garage that services Loomas cash delivery vans, they were so lax about the cash that the vans frequently came in for servicing with around £10 in £1 coins rolling around the floor. I would be extremely surprised if the staff at Loomis weren't also filling their pockets.


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## twentythreedom (Aug 17, 2013)

BBC London newsreader


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## youngian (Aug 17, 2013)

CID and the drugs squad


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## pogo 10 (Aug 17, 2013)

twentythreedom said:


> Anyone working in a charity shop


No, but my mate is though. And she absolutely loves it.


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## Hollis (Aug 18, 2013)

IT software developer


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## Yelkcub (Aug 18, 2013)

Being Richard of Judy fame.


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## twentythreedom (Aug 18, 2013)

Being an ugly celebrity chef with a squashed up face


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## cypher79 (Aug 18, 2013)

Council workers.


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## emanymton (Aug 18, 2013)

Have we had cop yet?


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## marty21 (Aug 18, 2013)

FridgeMagnet said:


> I don't think you can really steal books though. They belong to the people.


they were merely liberating them from their book PRISON


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## maomao (Aug 18, 2013)

The whole financial services industry.


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## eatmorecheese (Aug 18, 2013)

Indian GPO employees. I used to get empty parcels, just the box...


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## eatmorecheese (Aug 18, 2013)

Club bouncers, where drugs are involved


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## Chemical needs (Aug 18, 2013)

eatmorecheese said:
			
		

> Club bouncers, where drugs are involved



Or where my wallet was involved....


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## ViolentPanda (Aug 18, 2013)

Property developer.


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## ViolentPanda (Aug 18, 2013)

twentythreedom said:


> Being an ugly celebrity chef with a squashed up face


 
TBF that could be any of half a dozen.  You need to add "twat-beard" to your description.


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## ViolentPanda (Aug 18, 2013)

cypher79 said:


> Council workers.


 
And (some) councillors.  Although their sins are more about corruption than blatant thievery.


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## DotCommunist (Aug 18, 2013)

ViolentPanda said:


> And (some) councillors. Although their sins are more about corruption than blatant thievery.


 

pub sec corruption is thievery imo.


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## frogwoman (Aug 18, 2013)

bailiffs


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## Jon-of-arc (Aug 18, 2013)

Homeopathic remedy sales. Most sellers of alternative medicine, in fact.


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## grit (Aug 18, 2013)

Hollis said:


> IT software developer


 

LOL


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## spacemonkey (Aug 18, 2013)

Petrol station workers. 

It was like a competition between staff and management as to who could steal the most. They managed about £800 off me, reckon I took twice that back.


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## Wolveryeti (Aug 18, 2013)

Anything involving working to cater for big events that involve alcohol e.g. silver service at weddings etc.


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## xenon (Aug 18, 2013)

So this is quite a range of jobs. Leading to the question, what have you nicked whilst working?

Me, nothing. A. Cos I'm proper moral and upstanding and that. B. nothing worth nicking, (that I could fit in a pocket / bag.) C. I'd probably get caught anyway.


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## The Boy (Aug 19, 2013)

Jon-of-arc said:


> bookies. apparently, theyre so rife with thieving employees that they almost never prosecute due to the likely resultant bad publicity. the person who told me that was himself sacked after getting caught doing a painfully obvious and inept scam of placing £1 bets and then changing it to £10 if it turned out to win. I was amazed this was even possible, in the age of computers, but he had them out of 10k or so before they noticed.


 
Amazingly, folk still try this.  And they always get caught - two on my old district in the year or so I was there.  Every time the stake is changed on a bet the slip is checked by security, so no chance of getting away with it for long.

If you really want to take them for ten grand then do what one of the other managers did and fail to bank for a week and empty the safe - only after you transfer two grand in from another shop to pay out a large bet, mind...


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## The Boy (Aug 19, 2013)

QueenOfGoths said:


> Any job where you have access to toilet rolls


 
One of the first things I made a bee line for when I was getting made redundant from Threshers.  After all the champagne and top-end wine had been secured of course.


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## The Boy (Aug 19, 2013)

Oh, supermarket night staff.  I used to nick an oven pizza every shift and cook it in the bakery oven for my tea, and a packet of Maryland cookies to nibble on on my second break.


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## DotCommunist (Aug 19, 2013)

frogwoman said:


> bailiffs


 

Epic cunts, to a man. What really does my nut is that they aren't even on much more than min wage. Screws and police at least draw an above average wage, Bailiffs go round peoples houses and take their tawdry few possessions for not much more than min wage!

And half the time the goods they are nicking wouldn't even get more than a pink note if you were buying it from the back of some cunts car at a service station.

proper kulak scum


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## Sprocket. (Aug 19, 2013)

Years ago SY police had a weapons amnesty, drop off your weapons, no questions asked.
They took skips full of guns, swords, machetes, and knives to Stocksbridge steel works for disposal in the scrap melting shop.
Sadly they had timed the collection to coincide with the annual shutdown when the furnace was being re lined. 
My mate who was there at the time said they spent all day playing pirates and cowboys and indians with real weapons, until they got caught.
He reckons loads of stuff went missing and as all stuff had been logged there was fucking hell on with some losing their jobs.
The lads said to the management, 'It's only scrap, nothing's said about all the other stuff that's disappeared over the years'.
There followed a large change of management, because it was easier to blame a few than sack the entire workforce.


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## Pingu (Aug 19, 2013)

person in charge of a large banks SWIFT and CHAPS transaction servers with root access.

I spent weeks thinking about how I could get an offshore bank account somewhere with no extradition treaties and get the timing right. If I had had the balls I could have got a fuckton.

would have had to time it really well though so that the transactions went through whilst I was on the plane to somewhere west of the UK with enough time difference that the banks there would be open when the ones here were still closed. the technical side was easy it was the logistical side that was the headache. would have involved multiple bank accounts in several countries - dodgy enough that it would slow down the audit investigation but no so dodgy that the money would have vanished.


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## Pingu (Aug 19, 2013)

oh and person in charge of moving a couple of thousand PCs from one office to another after the company you worked for have been "merged" with another and was being fucked over by the other company.

mind you one person did go above and beyond during the migration by having an AS400 off (think computer twice the size of a big fridge/freezer and weighing as much as a small car)


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## seeformiles (Aug 19, 2013)

When I worked in kitchens, the pay was crap but I acquired some very expensive culinary tastes - also every Bank holiday you would be able (quite above board) to take home huge bags of high class grub that wouldn't have survived the weekend/Monday closure period. Also good for washing up liquid/bog roll/bleach/coffee etc. (not above board at all...)


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## RubyToogood (Aug 19, 2013)

Penetration tester, but they'd probably expect you to be a reformed character.


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## heinous seamus (Aug 19, 2013)

Tuck shop duty at school


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## Pingu (Aug 19, 2013)

RubyToogood said:


> Penetration tester, but they'd probably expect you to be a reformed character.


 
back in the good old days as long as you knew how to run and interpret ISS and netcat you were good to go


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## SpookyFrank (Aug 19, 2013)

Jon-of-arc said:


> taxi driver, person who clears up after pub closing, any other job where people often lose wallets , phones etc for staff to do with as they see fit.


 

If you're too pissed to keep hold of your wallet then you don't deserve to keep it. And one's faith in and respect for humanity is never lower than when one has just finished a 12-hour bar shift and still has to clean up the detritus of the evening's lager-fuelled fuckwittery. Found wallets are a legitimate perk of a shitty, underpaid job.

e2a: The right thing to do would be to keep the cash and return the wallet and other contents to the owner ASAP. But I would completely understand if you didn't bother.


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## SpookyFrank (Aug 19, 2013)

Any employer in a profit-making enterprise is, by definition, a thief. If they remain in business then this is proof that you're not stealing as much from them as they are stealing from you, even if you're stealing _a lot_.


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## Idris2002 (Aug 19, 2013)

Feudal lord.


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## littlebabyjesus (Aug 19, 2013)

SpookyFrank said:


> If you're too pissed to keep hold of your wallet then you don't deserve to keep it. And one's faith in and respect for humanity is never lower than when one has just finished a 12-hour bar shift and still has to clean up the detritus of the evening's lager-fuelled fuckwittery. Found wallets are a legitimate perk of a shitty, underpaid job.
> 
> e2a: The right thing to do would be to keep the cash and return the wallet and other contents to the owner ASAP. But I would completely understand if you didn't bother.


How is it right to keep the cash? How do you know the other person is richer than you? The right thing to do is to return the wallet and all its contents to the owner.

If you're _really_ desperate yourself, you might feel tempted to take the cash. If you're not really desperate yourself, taking the cash is a cunt's thing to do.

Your justification 'if you're too pissed to keep hold of it, you don't deserve it' is self-serving crap.


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## trabuquera (Aug 19, 2013)

Nigerian state governor
Italian political party treasurer
Floor staff in a fashiony boutique


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## Idris2002 (Aug 19, 2013)

White commercial farmer, Zimbabwean war veteran.


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## SpookyFrank (Aug 19, 2013)

littlebabyjesus said:


> Your justification 'if you're too pissed to keep hold of it, you don't deserve it' is self-serving crap.


 

Try spending all your working hours dealing with pissed up idiots and then tell me if you still agree with this statement.


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## littlebabyjesus (Aug 19, 2013)

SpookyFrank said:


> Try spending all your working hours dealing with pissed up idiots and then tell me if you still agree with this statement.


I've worked dealing with pissed up idiots. And I've also been a pissed up idiot myself.

My then g/f left her purse in a pub once. We went back a few hours later and it was there, behind the bar, with nothing missing. We were very pleased and grateful. I don't see how she deserved to have her cash taken by someone else.


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## Dandred (Aug 19, 2013)

Idris2002 said:


> White commercial farmer,


 
Why white commercial farmer? Don't other races steal?


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## Pingu (Aug 19, 2013)

scouser


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## Idris2002 (Aug 19, 2013)

Dandred said:


> Why white commercial farmer? Don't other races steal?


 
Just a reference to a TOPICAL STORY that's been in the world media for the best part of two decades now.


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## xslavearcx (Aug 19, 2013)

in a petrol station i worked at everybody barring the owner was on the take (he just took the surplus value). In my first day i got showed the blind spot in the cctv where i could consume or bag stuff from the shop..

one time this dude came into the shop and asked me if i minded if he nicked a carton of oil. i said 'be my guest'. i was ok with that kinda thing, but then he started telling his mates and having people coming in say three or four times a day saying hello to me whilst helping themselves to things on the shelf was a bit much on the stress factor, so i had to rein that in...


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## skyscraper101 (Aug 19, 2013)

Royal Mail.


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## Yelkcub (Aug 19, 2013)

Being The Hamburglar


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## Frances Lengel (Aug 19, 2013)

SpookyFrank said:


> *If you're too pissed to keep hold of your wallet* *then you don't deserve to keep it.* And one's faith in and respect for humanity is never lower than when one has just finished a 12-hour bar shift and still has to clean up the detritus of the evening's lager-fuelled fuckwittery. Found wallets are a legitimate perk of a shitty, underpaid job.
> 
> e2a: The right thing to do would be to keep the cash and return the wallet and other contents to the owner ASAP. But I would completely understand if you didn't bother.


 
That's bullshit. If you want to thieve off someone who's too incapacitated by drink to prevent you from doing so then, if your consciense (sp?) will let you, do it. Don't try to justify it though - It's never the victim's fault that you've had them over . Nicking peoples belongings is a wankers trick - Either look the world in the eye and say "Yeah, I'm a wanker, what you gonna do about it?" Or just don't do it.


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## discokermit (Aug 19, 2013)

Sprocket. said:


> Years ago SY police had a weapons amnesty, drop off your weapons, no questions asked.
> They took skips full of guns, swords, machetes, and knives to Stocksbridge steel works for disposal in the scrap melting shop.
> Sadly they had timed the collection to coincide with the annual shutdown when the furnace was being re lined.
> My mate who was there at the time said they spent all day playing pirates and cowboys and indians with real weapons, until they got caught.
> ...


we used to get this at the foundry i worked at. coppers would stand and watch until it went in the furnace. the crane drivers were crafty though and would drop some of it over the back of the furnace and the coppers were none the wiser.
i got a butterfly knife and a cut throat razor. the crane driver had a shotgun. loads of people had stuff.

we also used to get scrap from a machete manufacturer. everybody there had at lest two machetes. i've still got one i cut down to about nine inches blade length.


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## fogbat (Aug 20, 2013)

RubyToogood said:


> Penetration tester, but they'd probably expect you to be a reformed character.


Almost certainly not as interesting as the job title suggests


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## DaveCinzano (Aug 20, 2013)

discokermit said:


> i got a butterfly knife and a cut throat razor. the crane driver had a shotgun. loads of people had stuff.








discokermit said:


> we also used to get scrap from a machete manufacturer. everybody there had at lest two machetes. i've still got one i cut down to about nine inches blade length.


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## DaveCinzano (Aug 20, 2013)

marty21 said:


> the permanent kind



Well, it's not a library


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## Puddy_Tat (Aug 20, 2013)

Gromit said:


> Cat burgler.


 
http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2013/aug/19/cat-burglar-norris-bedminster-bristol


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## DaveCinzano (Aug 20, 2013)

Journalists



Puddy_Tat said:


> http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2013/aug/19/cat-burglar-norris-bedminster-bristol


The _Grauniad_ bought that story from PA, which I believe stole revised it from Bristol Culture blog.


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## Puddy_Tat (Aug 20, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> Journalists
> 
> 
> The _Grauniad_ bought that story from PA, which I believe stole revised it from Bristol Culture blog.


 
maybe their cat dragged it in?


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## SpookyFrank (Aug 20, 2013)

fogbat said:


> Almost certainly not as interesting as the job title suggests


 
I believe it refers to internet security type stuff. It looks bad if a company has someone called a 'hacker' on the payroll so they call them 'penetration consultants' or something simillarly noncey instead.


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## discokermit (Aug 20, 2013)

this thread has reminded me of my tenth birthday (maybe ninth) when i got a brand new bike. only i had to fetch it myself from the factory on the other side of bilston, where my cousin karl and cousin dawn's boyfriend, tot, worked as welders and my uncle tony did security on the gatehouse.
i went to the gate to see uncle tony, he directed me to karl, who called tot over. tot took me to the compressor house, where, hidden behind a couple of pallets was my new bike. i went riding off up the drive on it, waves to uncle tony and off home.
it was only thirty years later i found out i was complicit in a crime, when i started telling tot what a shit bike it had been and he started laughing about it.


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## Miss Caphat (Aug 20, 2013)

lawyers

psychoanalysts, therapists, etc.


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## DaveCinzano (Aug 20, 2013)

Miss Caphat said:


> psychoanalysts, therapists, etc.


 
Interesting. Why is it that you feel that way ?


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## Hollis (Aug 20, 2013)

Bit of projection going on there. <scratches chin>.


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## Ranbay (Aug 20, 2013)

Pirate


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## Orang Utan (Aug 20, 2013)

Cat burglar


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## xenon (Aug 20, 2013)

Rail franchise operator.


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## ViolentPanda (Aug 20, 2013)

spacemonkey said:


> Petrol station workers.
> 
> It was like a competition between staff and management as to who could steal the most. They managed about £800 off me, reckon I took twice that back.


 
One of my mates worked at a 24-hr petrol station back in the early '80s, when they were a bit thinner on the ground.  He was a pump monkey, and even back then was pocketing £20-25 a night (12 hour shift, 8pm-8am) from a mix of tips, short-changing and selling refreshemnts the station wasn't licensed to sell.


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## DotCommunist (Aug 20, 2013)

ViolentPanda said:


> One of my mates worked at a 24-hr petrol station back in the early '80s, when they were a bit thinner on the ground. He was a pump monkey, and even back then was pocketing £20-25 a night (12 hour shift, 8pm-8am) from a mix of tips, short-changing and selling refreshemnts the station wasn't licensed to sell.


 

rules now are that if you offer more stock than petrol you can get a liscense. I still think selling booze at a petrol garage is asking for trouble though.


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## DotCommunist (Aug 20, 2013)

RubyToogood said:


> Penetration tester


 

'is it in yet?'


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## Yuwipi Woman (Aug 20, 2013)

Did I miss Wall Street trader?  I think its a job qualification to be a coked-up sociopath.


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## Ranbay (Aug 20, 2013)

comedian


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## ViolentPanda (Aug 20, 2013)

DotCommunist said:


> rules now are that if you offer more stock than petrol you can get a liscense. I still think selling booze at a petrol garage is asking for trouble though.


 
My mate did a sideline of sulphate to HGV drivers too.


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## Cid (Aug 20, 2013)

twentythreedom said:


> No way - have you seen the security and surveillance at big Vegas casinos? Hardcore.


 

No, but he's seen it at Beacon Bingo on Weedon road.


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## DotCommunist (Aug 20, 2013)

actually they refused me a job for having a nose ring.


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## Sprocket. (Aug 20, 2013)

Following on from the news today, South Yorkshire Police Force, helping themselves to money from the Hillsborough Victims Fund.


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## DaveCinzano (Aug 21, 2013)

Sprocket. said:


> Following on from the news today, South Yorkshire Police Force, helping themselves to money from the Hillsborough Victims Fund.


_Rifling through the pockets of the dead, urinating on corpses._


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## Pingu (Aug 21, 2013)

DotCommunist said:


> rules now are that if you offer more stock than petrol you can get a liscense. I still think selling booze at a petrol garage is asking for trouble though.


 
it surprised me when in Germany that the petrol stations there sold booze and had done for ages. british culture towards drinking is the problem here tbh mot that shell premium advantage bitter will be on sale


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