# I'm Oop 'Anley



## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

I'm in the Potteries shopping centre having a cortado at Costa.

The Teen is buying presents but I'm just the driver, so I'm staying out of the crowds. Not that's it's too bad today.

If you're in town say hi. (I'm the best looking guy in the cafe. You can't miss me).


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

You'll need to be quick, though. She's just called by to drop off some bags and to say she's only got "one more thing" left to get "oh and can I borrow twenty?"


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## quimcunx (Dec 22, 2016)

Why are you* shopping in England?  What's wrong with Scotland's central belt?

* by which I mean the teen.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

quimcunx said:


> Why are you* shopping in England?  What's wrong with Scotland's central belt?
> 
> * by which I mean the teen.


Mrs la rouge is from hereabouts. We're here at her Mum's for Christmas. We always come here for Christmas. 

As for why is she only doing her Christmas shopping now? That's because she reacts badly to deadlines.


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## quimcunx (Dec 22, 2016)

Well I am not in 'Anley so cannot join you for refreshments but I wish you well, and the teen.


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## mauvais (Dec 22, 2016)

This is how it begins.

You're pootling along contentedly on the road between your Scotch castle and Fancy London, and you see a sign for the Potteries, and you joke to yourself, "it's just going 'oop 'Anley', as they probably say, what's the worst that can happen? I've checked on Wikipedia and it's in the West Midlands, I'll be fine"

But little do you know, oop Anley is classic gateway north.

Your examine some pottery that you think will improve your home. It will not. Some other pottery falls on you from a shelf. You pass out.

You wake. A day has passed. You are in some sort of track and field competition. Just as you begin to get your bearings, you are hit in the head by a world famous black pudding. You pass out.

You wake, a week is missing. It's freezing. Some sort of sighthound is licking your face. You look around. *Gasp! No!* You're on Ilkla Moor baht 'at! You pass out.

You wake. It's April. You've never been so cold. Jimmy Nail is here, injecting unsolicited volumes of chip shop curry sauce (three different varieties) into your arm. 'Areya gan oot doon toon?', he asks. You don't know what that is. You pass out.

You do not wake. You are dead now. Gazza is here. He has a chicken. Oh, you think. I thought my Scottishness would save me. I like haggis and whiskey you know. I thought that latitude was a linear measurement. I wish I had gone to the Bon Accord Centre instead. Then I would still be Monarch of the Glen, and not here, dead, with Gazza, the most northern thing that could have happened.

But it's too late.


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 22, 2016)

* Waves to danny la rouge from the passing train. *


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 22, 2016)

Purchased any tasteful pottery products yet danny? Perhaps a lovely glazed earthenware cockring? They have sex shops that specialise in pottery sex toys in that part of the world, I hear.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

mauvais said:


> This is how it begins.
> 
> You're pootling along contentedly on the road between your Scotch castle and Fancy London, and you see a sign for the Potteries, and you joke to yourself, "it's just going 'oop 'Anley', as they probably say, what's the worst that can happen? I've checked on Wikipedia and it's in the West Midlands, I'll be fine"
> 
> ...


I've been coming here since 94. I have tried all that time to do the vowel the locals do in "up", "bus", and "love". It doesn't exist in Scotland. It's halfway between the vowel my "up" and my "move". I still can't do it.

"Is this it? - _bus_", I'll say.
"No," the locals will say. 

They sing those old hymns with blood and love on line ends, and they actually rhyme. It's like the Great Vowel Shift never happened. 

I once had a mechanic here tell me he had a car like mine but changed the wheel size to "save the myther". Thinking this was something mechanics know about, like torque, I nodded gravely in agreement. You don't want mechanics to think you're ignorant. 

But I like it here. Total strangers call you love. Men call you duck. 

I first ate "cheese and onions" here. I was offered it by the MIL and agreed, expecting a sandwich with cheese and perhaps chopped spring onions. It wasn't something I was used to, but the words occur in a flavour of crisps, so I thought "why not?"

I'll tell you why not:  what I was presented with was breadcrumbs and onions that had been boiled in milk and then grated cheese melted though it. It was like warm cat vomit. I was shocked and appalled. "What were you expecting?" Mrs la rouge asked. "Not this. Never in a lifetime would I have guessed _this_". 

And they have pancakes made from porridge. They call them oatcakes, but they're wrong about that. But those are at least tasty.

Mard-arse. "What's Scottish for 'mard-arse'?" They'll ask. "We don't have any need for such a word" I'll explain. 

But I keep coming back.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Purchased any tasteful pottery products yet danny? Perhaps a lovely glazed earthenware cockring? They have sex shops that specialise in pottery sex toys in that part of the world, I hear.


There's a toilet exhibition in Longton. Toilets Through The Ages. With authentic smells.

Really.


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 22, 2016)

danny la rouge said:


> There's a toilet exhibition in Longton. Toilets Through The Ages. With authentic smells.
> 
> Really.


Is it housed in a cottage?


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Is it housed in a cottage?


Yes. Although no happy ending.


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 22, 2016)

Leaving Stoke now - thankfully.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Leaving Stoke now - thankfully.


Were you in Stoke station all that time?

Sorry for your troubles.


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 22, 2016)

danny la rouge said:


> Were you in Stoke station all that time?
> 
> Sorry for your troubles.


No, just passing through. 

I think it was you I spotted doing unmentionable things to a lump of clay outside the Wedgewood factory.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> No, just passing through.
> 
> I think it was you I spotted doing unmentionable things to a lump of clay outside the Wedgewood factory.


If you thought at first glance it was a young Robert Redford, then, yes that was me.


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 22, 2016)

danny la rouge said:


> If you thought at first glance it was a young Robert Redford, then, yes that was me.


More Roy Cropper from Corrie.  So it was you. Yer dirty bugger!


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## Vintage Paw (Dec 22, 2016)

I WAS IN HANLEY.

But I didn't see this.

DAMN 2016 - WHEN WILL YOU STOP YOUR CRUELTY?


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## Vintage Paw (Dec 22, 2016)

And bus = buzz.

And it's not "I'm goin' oop 'anley", it's "I'm goin' oop 'anley, shug."

HTH


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

Vintage Paw said:


> I WAS IN HANLEY.
> 
> But I didn't see this.
> 
> DAMN 2016 - WHEN WILL YOU STOP YOUR CRUELTY?


Were you in the Potteries centre? That was me carrying a load of bags for a Scottish teenager. 

She bough a Port Vale Santa hat off the hawker outside the main entrance. (For her Stoke supporting grandad. Lol).


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

Vintage Paw said:


> And bus = buzz.
> 
> And it's not "I'm goin' oop 'anley", it's "I'm goin' oop 'anley, shug."
> 
> HTH


And PMT isn't yer period, it's the boozz operating company.


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## Vintage Paw (Dec 22, 2016)

danny la rouge said:


> Were you in the Potteries centre? That was me carrying a load of bags for a Scottish teenager.
> 
> She bough a Port Vale Santa hat off the hawker outside the main entrance. (For her Stoke supporting grandad. Lol).



I never ventured into the centre, I'm afraid. I went to Iceland (near the bus station), then to M&S, and then walked past the Christmas Tree and down to Tesco. So I was a stone's throw from the centre, and I would have perhaps been able to see you inside Costa if you had waved vigorously, and had I known you were there.

Nice bit of trolling the granddad


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

And that's another thing: "bought" and "brought" are synonyms. You can use either in either situation.

I find that weird even now.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

Vintage Paw said:


> I never ventured into the centre, I'm afraid. I went to Iceland (near the bus station), then to M&S, and then walked past the Christmas Tree and down to Tesco. So I was a stone's throw from the centre, and I would have perhaps been able to see you inside Costa if you had waved vigorously, and had I known you were there.
> 
> Nice bit of trolling the granddad


I was in M&S. 

Spooky.


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## Vintage Paw (Dec 22, 2016)

Stoke has a beautiful and weird mash-up of accents, hand-picked from Derby, Birmingham, Manchester and Liverpool. I'm quite fond of it.


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## Vintage Paw (Dec 22, 2016)

danny la rouge said:


> I was in M&S.
> 
> Spooky.



Did you see a large, flustered-looking woman with green glasses, messy hair, and a far-too-long orange scarf? If so, 'twas me.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

Vintage Paw said:


> Stoke has a beautiful and weird mash-up of accents, hand-picked from Derby, Birmingham, Manchester and Liverpool. I'm quite fond of it.


Mrs l r is from Cheadle Staffs. (The one near Alton, not the one near Manchester). They say housen for houses! That's like Anglo-Saxon or something!


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

Vintage Paw said:


> Did you see a large, flustered-looking woman with green glasses, messy hair, and a far-too-long orange scarf? If so, 'twas me.


I'm going to say yes, and we can both choose to believe it.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2016)

There's a really good record shop, too. Rubber Soul Records. Didn't get to it this time. Maybe next time.

There was one called Canonball records too. But I've not been there for a couple of years. I hope it's still open too.


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## Shirl (Dec 22, 2016)

There was a time when I had to regularly visit Hanley, Burslem, Stone, Tunstall and Longton. Apart from Stone it always felt that the sun never shone there


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 22, 2016)

Shirl said:


> There was a time when I had to regularly visit Hanley, Burslem, Stone, Tunstall and Longton. Apart from Stone it always felt that the sun never shone there



It never has.  It is illegal for the sun to shine in those parts of the world.


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## Vintage Paw (Dec 22, 2016)

Shirl said:


> There was a time when I had to regularly visit Hanley, Burslem, Stone, Tunstall and Longton. Apart from Stone it always felt that the sun never shone there



It shines regularly in the mornings. Come lunch time and all bets are off.


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## Puddy_Tat (Dec 22, 2016)

mmm, oatcakes

for reasons unknown, one of the sainsbuggers in reading stocks oatcakes


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 23, 2016)

Just passing through Stoke. It looks much better in the dark.


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## Tom A (Dec 23, 2016)

My old stomping ground (well sorta, I went to uni at Keele which tended to be a very separate entity). Needless to say there was very little to keep me hanging around there. Although there was a stall in the Potteries Centre market that did some very nice oatcakes indeed. On the subject of record shops, there was one there called Music Mania (not sure if it still exists or it's changed its name), and another one in Newcastle called Cheeky Monkey, which sadly shut down about three years after I started uni.


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## Vintage Paw (Dec 23, 2016)

Just been oop 'anley to the pictures. Storm Barbara is making her presence known. Rainy, grey, and windy. Just how we like it round these parts


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## danny la rouge (Dec 23, 2016)

Vintage Paw said:


> Just been oop 'anley to the pictures. Storm Barbara is making her presence known. Rainy, grey, and windy. Just how we like it round these parts


I've just been at Tesco at the Meir. Very busy. Bit grey, wet and blustery.


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## Vintage Paw (Dec 23, 2016)

Stopped in at Tesco on the way back to grab some milk and pop and good god it's like a vision of hell.


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## kebabking (Dec 23, 2016)

I went to Hanley once. 

For about an hour, 25 years ago - with this one visit I feel I've more than covered the 'going to Hanley' needs of every single Human who has ever, and will eventually be born.

I think Hanley was invented to make Manchester look good, and in this it excels - though of course that's a reflection on Hanley rather than Manchester...


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 23, 2016)

kebabking said:


> I went to Hanley once.
> 
> For about an hour, 25 years ago - with this one visit I feel I've more than covered the 'going to Hanley' needs of every single Human who has ever, and will eventually be born.
> 
> I think Hanley was invented to make Manchester look good, and in this it excels - though of course that's a reflection on Hanley rather than Manchester...


Like for the abuse of Hanley,  but not the snideness about Manchester.  

Fucking weird border country inhabitant. 

Why is auto correct suggesting changing 'inhabitant' to 'jam habitat'?


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## Puddy_Tat (Dec 23, 2016)

Shirl said:


> There was a time when I had to regularly visit Hanley, Burslem, Stone, Tunstall and Longton. Apart from Stone it always felt that the sun never shone there


 






(hanley c. 1930 - from this here page)


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 23, 2016)

Puddy_Tat said:


> (hanley c. 1930 - from this here page)



You're in trouble now.


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## Puddy_Tat (Dec 23, 2016)




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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 23, 2016)

Puddy_Tat said:


>



Sadly, it still largely looks the same now.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 23, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Why is auto correct suggesting changing 'inhabitant' to 'jam habitat'?


It's right and fitting. Hanley is jam habitat.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 24, 2016)

I'm at Stoke station. Meeting the Lass off the sleeper.


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## jontz01 (Dec 24, 2016)

Buzz mate. As in,  goin on th buzz, up anley. But with not so much zz. Look in the cook book is my favourite.


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## Ted Striker (Dec 24, 2016)

Puddy_Tat said:


> (hanley c. 1930 - from this here page)



Is that a live Webcam? Hats off, I didn't realise that sort of tech made it that far


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## Ted Striker (Dec 24, 2016)

danny la rouge said:


> You'll need to be quick, though. She's just called by to drop off some bags and to say she's only got "one more thing" left to get



You're married to Columbo?!


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## danny la rouge (Dec 24, 2016)

Ted Striker said:


> You're married to Columbo?!


That's my daughter you're talking about!


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## Maggot (Dec 24, 2016)

danny la rouge said:


> It's right and fitting. Hanley is jam habitat.


No, that's Hartley.


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## Shirl (Dec 24, 2016)

Puddy_Tat said:


> (hanley c. 1930 - from this here page)


I hope you're not suggesting that it was C1930 when I used to visit there


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## danny la rouge (Dec 24, 2016)

Shirl said:


> I hope you're not suggesting that it was C1930 when I used to visit there


No, but the pot banks were there in the Twenties too.


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## Shirl (Dec 24, 2016)

danny la rouge said:


> No, but the pot banks were there in the Twenties too.


When we lived in Wales we often went to Castell Deudraeth for Sunday lunch. There was an old woman, extremely posh and stylish, who was there eating sometimes. She was Susan Williams Ellis, daughter of Clough and she was co-founder and designer of Portmeirion pottery. It was only a few years before she died that we met her and the hotel manager told us she was still diving and looking for inspiration for designs.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 24, 2016)

Going oop Chaydle in a minute. Might pop into Moshi for an espresso.


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## Sue (Dec 24, 2016)

This is all a bit Arnold Bennett.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 24, 2016)

Sue said:


> This is all a bit Arnold Bennett.


It really is. 

There was an Arnold Bennett on TV years ago and Mrs L R's family were laughing at the accents. "What's that supposed to be? Lancashire or summit?"


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## danny la rouge (Dec 24, 2016)




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## Vintage Paw (Dec 24, 2016)

Far more sophisticated than anything you might get in 'anley.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 24, 2016)

Vintage Paw said:


> Far more sophisticated than anything you might get in 'anley.


Many years ago, on first visiting Chaydle, I thought there'd be a postcard I could send with perhaps a picture of the marketplace or market square. Maybe the picturesque town cross. Or the Catholic Church, with its reputation as "Pugin's Gem". It's on the edge of the Peak District after all.

But no. The only card I could find anywhere was of the crown bowling green. On the back it said it was "one of the finest crown bowling greens in the North West Midlands". That's more Alan Bennett than Arnold Bennett!

(They've wised up on Pugin's Gem now. Postcards and brown "heritage road signs" are now available).


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## moose (Dec 24, 2016)

Hanley's only 22 miles from where I live, but like another world. Not in a good way


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## danny la rouge (Dec 25, 2016)

Port Vale Santa hat.


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 25, 2016)

Looking suitably miserable there danny.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 25, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Looking suitably miserable there danny.


Lol. That's the FIL!


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 25, 2016)

danny la rouge said:


> Lol. That's the FIL!



Get him pissed - that'll cheer him up.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 25, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Get him pissed - that'll cheer him up.


He's getting that way.

To be fair he _is_ a Stoke City supporter....


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## danny la rouge (Dec 25, 2016)

Well I'm borsoned now.


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## farmerbarleymow (Dec 25, 2016)

danny la rouge said:


> Well I'm borsoned now.



Presume that means pissed in Stoke lingo?


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## danny la rouge (Dec 25, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Presume that means pissed in Stoke lingo?


I _think_ it means very full. I'm not sure if it is specific to food or alcohol.


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## danny la rouge (Nov 4, 2017)

Well we're visiting mrs LR's aged P and step P and we took them out for lunch here: Home


Well, we had lunch. The MIL had a hot chocolate and decided to just have a mince pie. Then decided not to eat it.

The food was fine, but the "double espresso" I ordered would have been disappointingly weak had I asked for an Americano. And that's not hyperbole. It was bizarre.


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## jontz01 (Nov 5, 2017)

Disappointingly no mention of a single oatcake.


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## danny la rouge (Nov 5, 2017)

jontz01 said:


> Disappointingly no mention of a single oatcake.



Not that I'd recommend anywhere that has such dire coffee, but:


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## farmerbarleymow (Nov 5, 2017)

danny la rouge said:


> Not that I'd recommend anywhere that has such dire coffee, but:
> 
> View attachment 119726



'Mature cheddar cheese with baked beams'

In what order should they add the beans and cheese Badgers?


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