# Great Father Ted quotes



## stavros (May 17, 2009)

The FT threads got me remembering lots of lines which I couldn't remember the episode they were from, so I thought we could just have a thread for great quotes. I'll start off;

Ted: "That's the great thing about Catholicism; it's so vague and no one really knows what it's all about."



Father Austin Purcell: "I knew a woman once, but she died soon after."


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## Orang Utan (May 17, 2009)

see tagline


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## fubert (May 17, 2009)

arsebiscuits


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## keybored (May 17, 2009)

"Small... faaaaar away... ah forget it!"


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## dylanredefined (May 17, 2009)

Fascists are people who dress in black and tell you what to do .And priests
are .


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## stavros (May 17, 2009)

Dougal: "Nuns are great aren't they Ted? Not like real women."


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## goldenecitrone (May 17, 2009)

Voice on tannoy at Craggy Island Fair "If there's a nurse here could she please come to the Tunnel of Goats where a young boy has become stuck"

2 minutes later on same tannoy "If there's another nurse on the island, could she please come to the Tunnel of Goats where a young boy and a nurse have become stuck"


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## idioteque (May 17, 2009)

"I love my brick"


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## stavros (May 17, 2009)

Mrs Doyle: "Would you like some cake Father? There's cocaine in it."
Ted: "Cocaine?!"
Mrs Doyle: "Oh not cocaine, what do I mean? Oh yes, raisins."


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## blairsh (May 17, 2009)

"Hello father! So i hear you're a racist"


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## DJ Squelch (May 17, 2009)

"You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at 3 o'clock in the morning"


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## i_hate_beckham (May 17, 2009)

"They're coming from Gdansk to see the Filum"


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## N_igma (May 17, 2009)

Father Stack: What are we watching?
Priest: We're looking at the sports day.
Father Stack:Lots of young fellas running around in shorts, that's the sort of thing you like. *to another priest* And I bet you like that too, only you're probably imagining what they look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that with a _big_ smile on your face...YA DIRTY FECKER.


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## 8den (May 17, 2009)

Those Women were in the Nip!


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## miniGMgoit (May 18, 2009)

"Oh my god, I'm in a conversation"


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## Flashman (May 18, 2009)

Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older.

"They've taken the roads in".

"You know rabbits"

"So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T."

"Can ye believe me own dog did that t' me!"


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## DotCommunist (May 18, 2009)

blairsh said:


> "Hello father! So i hear you're a racist"



every line from that ep is fucking gold


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## g force (May 18, 2009)

Yep...my stomach hurts after that episode.


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## The Groke (May 18, 2009)

That would be an ecumenical matter.


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## Badgers (May 18, 2009)

Mrs Doyle



> imagine your husband standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself



Can you imagine that father? 
Get a good mental picture of it!


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## kropotkin (May 18, 2009)

LenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlenLenlen


"Hello there Len"

"Shut up you little prick! I'm a Bishop!"


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## purves grundy (May 18, 2009)

FT: Switch the TV off, Dougal. Chewing gum for the eyes.
FD: Ah no thanks Ted.


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## kropotkin (May 18, 2009)




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## SpookyFrank (May 18, 2009)

"Don't be silly, fascists dress up in black and tell everyone what to do. Whereas priests..."

e2a: beaten to it.

"You'll address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!"


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## 5t3IIa (May 18, 2009)

It's all gold


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## fogbat (May 18, 2009)

"Please stand by for your national anthem..."


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## Badgers (May 18, 2009)

It is gold
I file it alongside Fawlty Towers as a timeless classic.


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## SpookyFrank (May 18, 2009)

"Do you think the babies are copying his style?"


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## Andrew Hertford (May 18, 2009)

blairsh said:


> "Hello father! So i hear you're a racist"



Followed by:
"Should we _all_ become racists now Father?"


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## Flashman (May 18, 2009)

Father Ted: To China!
[Hoooraaaaay!]
Chinese man: [raising his glass] To Craggy Island!
[Hoooraaaaay!]
Father Ted: More drink!
[Hoooraaaaay!]
Bar tender: I'm sorry, the bar's closed.
[Hoooraaaaay!]
Father Ted: How about we all go back to my place for a drink?
[Hoooraaaaay!]
Father Dougal: Wait, I need to go to the toilet first.
[Hoooraaaaay!]


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## Stigmata (May 18, 2009)

Father Ted: How long has Father Jack been living in there?
Father Dougal: Uh, he started just a few days after you left.
Father Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic?
Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so Ted.


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## Flashman (May 18, 2009)




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## 5t3IIa (May 18, 2009)

And when Mrs Doyle fell off the windowsill :lol:


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## onenameshelley (May 18, 2009)

goldenecitrone said:


> Voice on tannoy at Craggy Island Fair "If there's a nurse here could she please come to the Tunnel of Goats where a young boy has become stuck"
> 
> 2 minutes later on same tannoy "If there's another nurse on the island, could she please come to the Tunnel of Goats where a young boy and a nurse have become stuck"




Yup all time fav that one


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## digitell (May 18, 2009)

"What would you say to a nice cup of tea Father?  (Father Jack) Feck off cup".


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## kropotkin (May 18, 2009)

hahahaha!


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## kittyP (May 18, 2009)

Something along the lines of......

Ted: "Now you know Bishop (someone) has just got out of hospital after suffering a heart attack. There can be no sudden noises......

......

Dougal "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH"
           "I just remembered Aliens is on" 

Ted: "We are not watching Aliens, the bishops are here."

Dougal "Ah come on Ted, bishops love Aliens!"


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## Juice Terry (May 19, 2009)

Father Dougal: "Because of the beast.  They say it's as big as four cats, and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at you better and you know what Ted, it lights up at night, and it's got four ears.  Two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears, and it's claws are as big as cups and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps and Mrs. Doyle was tellin' me that it's got magnets on it's tail so as if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you, and instead of a mouth it's got four arses."


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## PacificOcean (May 19, 2009)

"Don't call me Len.  I am a bishop you little bollock"


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## The Groke (May 19, 2009)

Juice Terry said:


> Father Dougal: "Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats, and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at you better and you know what Ted, it lights up at night, and it's got four ears. Two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears, and it's claws are as big as cups and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps and Mrs. Doyle was tellin' me that it's got magnets on it's tail so as if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you, and instead of a mouth it's got four arses."


 


It is impossible to read that and not hear it as Dougal's voice in your head.


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## kyser_soze (May 19, 2009)

'So you see Dougal, these cows are very small. These cows over here are far away.'


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## PacificOcean (May 19, 2009)

"Mary, so help me God woman!   Now get those fecking Crunchies out the car"

"Feck off"

Both together:  "Father!  How are you?"

*kisses Mary's head"

It's funny as my summer youth spent at gran's in Ireland backs up this quirk of rowing couples never letting their emotions show in front of the priest.


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## 5t3IIa (May 19, 2009)

Juice Terry said:


> Father Dougal: "Because of the beast.  They say it's as big as four cats, and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at you better and you know what Ted, it lights up at night, and it's got four ears.  Two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears, and it's claws are as big as cups and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps and Mrs. Doyle was tellin' me that it's got magnets on it's tail so as if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you, and instead of a mouth it's got four arses."



O you made me lol


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## stavros (May 21, 2009)

Ted: "Why Sampras?"
Dougal: "After Pete Sampras, you know, that whole rabbit-tennis thing."

Ted: "It wasn't even that scary a fillum."
Dougal: "Ah come on now Ted, a Volkswagen with a mind of its own."


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## blairsh (May 21, 2009)

Father Jack: "I love my brick!"


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## the button (May 21, 2009)

"Ruud Gullitt sitting on a shed."

(Dougal's advent calendar picture guess).


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## Skimix (May 21, 2009)

keybored said:


> "Small... faaaaar away... ah forget it!"



Lol...I was going to right that one...hilarious


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## damnhippie (May 21, 2009)

father jack sobers up:

'am I still on this FECKING ISLAND?!'


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## Kaka Tim (May 22, 2009)

Ted: Dougal! Great news!

Dougal: You're getting married!


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## elevendayempire (May 22, 2009)

blairsh said:


> Father Jack: "I love my brick!"


Feck off, brick! Bored with briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick!


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## Idris2002 (May 22, 2009)

Niamh Connolly: 'And then the church closed down  the factories where the potatoes were being made, and turned them into prisons for children'.

Ted (to Dougal): 'She says that as if it was a bad thing'.


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## mwgdrwg (May 22, 2009)

Fupp off! Ya fuppin baxter!

(no swearing)


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## Flashman (May 22, 2009)

He's not the boss o' me.


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## 8den (May 22, 2009)

Eoin McLove: (shouting at a large crowd of elderly ladies) Go away! I don't want to catch the menopause!

----

Father Dougal: God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.

Father Ted: No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.

----

Father Ted Crilly: Ah, Sister Assumpta!

Sr. Assumpta: Hello Father!

Father Ted Crilly: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?

Father Dougal McGuire: Er, no.

Father Dougal McGuire: She was here last year! And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do! And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal!

[Dougal shakes his head]

Sr. Assumpta: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you!... And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?

Father Ted Crilly: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter! When you fell out of the helicopter! Over the zoo! Do you remember the tigers?

[Dougal shakes his head some more]

Father Ted Crilly: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.

Father Dougal McGuire: Ah, Sister Assumpta! 

-----


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## Idris2002 (May 22, 2009)

'So, you've nothing from the allied side, then father?'

'Ah no, that sort of thing wouldn't interest me at all. . . look, here's a photograph of Herr Hitler - he's signing a few death warrants!'


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## pootle (May 22, 2009)

kyser_soze said:


> 'So you see Dougal, these cows are very small. These cows over here are far away.'



Hell - Best. Episode. Evar!


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## stavros (May 23, 2009)

Dougal: "That was the Pope?"
Ted: "Yes Dougal. He's God's representative on Earth."
Dougal: "Sure, you'd think he'd be taller."


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## stavros (May 25, 2009)

Dougal (whilst looking for rabbits): "This one looks like that fella, Harvey Keitel."
Ted: "Harvey Keitel, the actor? How can a rabbit look like Harv.... My god your right, it's the spitting image."


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## sned (May 26, 2009)

Father Jack: "A feckin' pair of womens' knickers!!!"

can't remember in what context it was said


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## Woollyredhat (May 26, 2009)

Some great quotes there, love the Father stack one as well

Another great moment, can't remember the episoide is the one with Dougal and the van rigged with a bomb. Must watch some of Ted after this!


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## 8den (May 26, 2009)

Ted: I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.

Pat Mustard: Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!

Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.

Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?

Ted: Yes, I... well...if you're going to be...of course you will...JUST FECK OFF!


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## stavros (May 26, 2009)

Woollyredhat said:


> Another great moment, can't remember the episoide is the one with Dougal and the van rigged with a bomb. Must watch some of Ted after this!



"Speed 3". Dougal takes over milkman duties after Pat Mustard is revealed as the father of all the hairy babies, but Mustard fits it with a bomb that is activated once the milkfloat goes above 4mph, and explodes if it drops below it.


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## Woollyredhat (May 26, 2009)

Ah yes thanks


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## sned (May 27, 2009)

From Speed 3:

*Mrs. Doyle:* "Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box."
*Father Ted:* "What?!?!? How dare you!!"
*Pat Mustard:* [raising a large spanner] "Yes, its too big for the milk float!"


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## Ozric (May 27, 2009)

*FT:* Oh my God (pulls out a bottle) He's drunken a whole bottle of dreamy sleepy nighty snoozy snooze!!!


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## Macabre (May 27, 2009)

Dougal: "TED! TED! TED! TED!




















Would you like a peanut?"

My lot say this when we rudely, intentionaly wake someone up.


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## fogbat (May 27, 2009)

*Father Dougal:* But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone!
*Father Ted:* Dougal! They're bishops!


Along with...

*Father Dougal: *Bishops love sci-fi!


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## Numbers (May 27, 2009)

Ted: What was it Jack used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.

Ted: Dougal, you can't go around wearing an earring.
Dougal: But Father Damo has one!
Ted: Oh I see, so did Father Damo give you the idea?
(Dougal nods)
Ted: Honestly, Dougal, what next? Will he be giving you crack cocaine or something?
Dougal: Crack cocaine! Now come on, Ted.
(Dougal looks very shifty)


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## rikwakefield (May 27, 2009)

The caravan/cows line of "these are small.... but those are faaaar away" has me in stitches every time.


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## stavros (May 27, 2009)

As Ted suspects Dougal of stealing the whistle;
Ted: "Dougal, have you got something on your mind?"
(blank look from Dougal)
Ted: "Let me rephrase that...."


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## Jorum (May 27, 2009)

when they are trying to tranquilise-dart the drunk star:

Sergeant Deegan: God, this reminds me of Vietnam.
Father Ted Crilly: Were you in Vietnam, Sergeant?
Sergeant Deegan: Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.


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## stavros (May 28, 2009)

Dougal: "It's a film where there's a man who's got the head of a fly, and the body of a fly."
Ted: "Oh yes, what was that called?"
Dougal: "Out Of Africa I think."


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## stavros (Jun 8, 2009)

Just remembered a couple of great Mrs Doyle-isms;

Mrs Doyle: "Will you not have a sandwich?"
Priest: "Ah no thank you."
Mrs Doyle: "Ah go on, they're diagonal."

Mrs Doyle: "Will you have a bit of cake Father?"
Ted: "No thank you Mrs Doyle."
Mrs Doyle: "Ah go on, there's cocaine in it."
Ted: "Cocaine?!"
Mrs Doyle: "Ah not cocaine, what do I mean? Ah yes, raisins."


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## rosa (Jun 9, 2009)

What a ray of sunshine on a very murky day this thread is. 

Fr Jack:"iiiii'm sooooooo soooooooo-reeeee!"
Fr Ted: "Now that's sarcasm."

and of course


"He DID kick me up the arse!"


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## stavros (Jun 9, 2009)

As Jack sobers up for the first time in 14 years;
Jack (pointing): "Chair."
Ted: "That's right Father."
Jack: "Floor.... window.... wall...."
Ted: "That's great, Father, keep going."
Jack (pointing at Ted): "Gobshite."


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## sned (Jul 11, 2009)

Dougal describing what this mysterious sheep-eating beast looks like:

"... instead of a mouth it has 4 arses!"

(or something along those lines)


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## stavros (Jul 12, 2009)

The first of the first episode scene, Ted is talking to Jack when Dougal walks in covered in shaving foam.

Ted: "Dougal, you've got some shaving foam there."
Dougal: "What, here?" (rubs a tiny bit off)
Ted: "Yes, and just up.... and....  God Dougal, it's all over your face."
(Dougal looks in the mirror)
Dougal: "God, how did that get there, I didn't even shave this morning."

About 20 seconds into the first episode and already you know it's going to be a bit special.


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## Urbanblues (Jul 13, 2009)

*Clip from 'The Mainland' Episode*

Ted: “Yunno, your man from one foot in the grave, the "I Dooon't Beeeelieeeeve it" man”

Dougal: “Ooooh Wow”

Ted: “God that's amazing, look at him there”

slight pause

Ted (sniggering): “Do you know what he'd love?”

Dougal: “what?”

Ted: “He'd love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase”

Dougal: “ohhh yeah Ted, He'd Love that! You should definitely do that”

Ted: “Should I?”

Dougal: “Awww Yeah, I'd say no one ever does that to him, he'd think you're hilarious. Yunno, this is one of these times that I'm absolutely 100 million per cent sure that you'd be doing the right thing. I can safely say you'd definitely definitely won't regret doing that.”

Ted: “Yunno what? I'm going to do it!”

Dougal: “Brilliant Ted”

Ted: “Will I?”

Dougal: “Yeahhhh Go on.”

Ted: “Hold the camera”

Ted walks away, turns and gives the thumbs up sign to Dougal and just before he reaches the guide and Richard turns once more to Dougal and gives the thumbs up signal again to Dougal who reciprocates.

Ted (in the loudest ear-shattering voice) "I DON'T BELIEVE IT"

Short pause of disbelief before Richard attacks Ted several times until they are separated

Richard: “I'll Bloody well kill you”

A long limping walk back to Dougal.

Dougal: “well, what did he say, did he laugh.”

Ted: “no, no no, not really, I'm going to sit down now.”

That was the most hilarious scene from 'Fadder Ted'. Well worth soiling myself; and, I'd willingly soil myself again for the chance to watch it!


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## Badgers (Jul 13, 2009)

Woman I work with has never seen a single second of Father Ted. 
She watches a lot of telly too.


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## stavros (Jul 13, 2009)

Badgers said:


> Woman I work with has never seen a single second of Father Ted.
> She watches a lot of telly too.



None of my housemates, aged 21-25, have either. Truly bizarre. Really it should be on the RE curriculum in all schools.


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## Woollyredhat (Jul 14, 2009)

I pissed myself laughing during the 5 a side episoide. The women singing all the chants in the crowd was hilarious.


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## Red Faction (Jul 14, 2009)

"Will it still be a grade 3 relic when it's removed, bishop?"


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## stavros (Jul 28, 2009)

"It's great having a nun about the place. Adds a bit of glamour."


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## PacificOcean (Jul 28, 2009)

NUNS!  

REVERSE! REVERSE!


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## PacificOcean (Jul 28, 2009)

Who are you?

What do you two do?

Priests!?!

Don't tell me i am still on that fecking island?!


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## LindaR (Jul 28, 2009)

www.guardian.co.uk/culture/tvandradioblog/2009/jul/28/father-ted-tedfest
Not going to say who I am over there, but I'm one of the people that have given the blogger a kicking. Feel free to join in.


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## PacificOcean (Jul 29, 2009)

.


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## PacificOcean (Jul 29, 2009)

LindaR said:


> www.guardian.co.uk/culture/tvandradioblog/2009/jul/28/father-ted-tedfest
> Not going to say who I am over there, but I'm one of the people that have given the blogger a kicking. Feel free to join in.



"What a pompous tosser"

Is that you?


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## Pingu (Jul 29, 2009)

tbh you could start at the very first second of the first episode and go through to the last second of the last episode and it would all be quality


anyhow 

that would be an ecumenical matter


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## LindaR (Jul 29, 2009)

PacificOcean said:


> "What a pompous tosser"
> 
> Is that you?



No.  I'm more subtle than that.


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## Gingerman (Jul 29, 2009)

Fr Dougal:God, Ted, I've never met anyone like him anywhere. Who would he be like, Hitler or one of those mad fellas? 
Fr Ted:Oh, worse than Hitler! You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning.

Fr Ted:What was it he used to say about the needy? He had a term for them... 
Fr.Dougal:A shower of bastards

Fr.Dougal:Hello Len
Bishop Brennanon't call me Len, you little prick. I'm a bishop!

Fr.Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's very vague and no-one knows what its really all about


Bishop Brennan:Normally you wouldn't be able to organize a nun shoot in a nunnery


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## stavros (Jul 30, 2009)

Mrs Doyle: I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here. 
Father Ted: Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it's very exciting isn't it? Famous novelist, here. 
Mrs Doyle: You've never read any of her books, have you, father? 
Father Ted: Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day - at her book signing. 
Mrs Doyle: Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable! 
Father Ted: It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle. 
Mrs Doyle: Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that. 
Father Ted: [uncomfortable] Yes, Mrs. Doyle. 
Mrs Doyle: "You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean. 
Father Ted: [becoming exasperated] Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle. 
Mrs Doyle: "Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes! 
Father Ted: I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle. 
Mrs Doyle: "Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards! 
Father Ted: Is it, Mrs. Doyle? 
[taking her arm and steering her out of the room] 
Father Ted: Anyway... 
Mrs Doyle: "You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible. 
Father Ted: [finally gets her through the door and closes it] Yes, you go and prepare for the nuns. 
Mrs Doyle: [from the next room] "Ride me sideways" was another one! 

I watched "And God Created Woman" last night, and this was the stand-out moment.


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## two sheds (Jul 30, 2009)

Pingu said:


> tbh you could start at the very first second of the first episode and go through to the last second of the last episode and it would all be quality
> 
> 
> anyhow
> ...



Ta for the thread peoples, i'd only seen a couple of episodes so i watched em all and yep all quality and they get better and better.


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## damnhippie (Jul 30, 2009)

/\/\/\/\

i just spilled beer laughing at that one

EDIT the 'get your bollocks out of my face' one. not the post directly after. although i'm sure it was fine


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## stavros (Jul 30, 2009)

damnhippie said:


> /\/\/\/\
> 
> i just spilled beer laughing at that one
> 
> EDIT the 'get your bollocks out of my face' one. not the post directly after. although i'm sure it was fine



I know, I've seen every episode so many times, but when Mrs Doyle gets on her high horse like that I'm in hysterics still.


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## Harold Hill (Jul 30, 2009)

Father Jack: 'That would be an ecumen..........YES'

Eoin McLove: (To Ted) I can have you killed! 

The audience member at the sheep contest after each revelation : 'Fucking hell'


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## Gingerman (Jul 30, 2009)

stavros said:


> Mrs Doyle: I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here.
> Father Ted: Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it's very exciting isn't it? Famous novelist, here.
> Mrs Doyle: You've never read any of her books, have you, father?
> Father Ted: Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day - at her book signing.
> ...


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## LeytonCatLady (Oct 2, 2019)

Sorry to bump a 10-year-old thread but I can't believe no-one shared the following -


DOUGAL (_after being introduced to American Father Buzz Cagney_): Ah, we were just talking about that Kurt Cobain fella from Nirvana, he was an American. God, imagine shooting yourself in the head! Sure how did he survive that!
(_Buzz looks askance at Ted_).
TED: Er, he didn't, Dougal.
DOUGAL: Ah, right so!


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## kittyP (Oct 2, 2019)

kittyP said:


> Something along the lines of......
> 
> Ted: "Now you know Bishop (someone) has just got out of hospital after suffering a heart attack. There can be no sudden noises......
> 
> ...


It was actually "bishops love sci-fi" but its still my favourite.
No matter how many times I've seen it I am weeping with laughter


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## kittyP (Oct 2, 2019)

LeytonCatLady said:


> Sorry to bump a 10-year-old thread but I can't believe no-one shared the following -
> 
> 
> DOUGAL (_after being introduced to American Father Buzz Cagney_): Ah, we were just talking about that Kurt Cobain fella from Nirvana, he was an American. God, imagine shooting yourself in the head! Sure how did he survive that!
> ...


Thank you for bumping. 
Im at my sisters house, every one is inside bed, including the 2 year old and I'm crying with laughter reading this, nearly suffocating trying to stifle the noise


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## LeytonCatLady (Oct 2, 2019)

Take me to see Chris, the unhappy sheep!


----------



## keybored (Oct 2, 2019)

Ted - Would you like your pizza cut into six or eight slices Dougal?

Dougal - Oh just six, I don’t think I could eat eight.


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 2, 2019)

keybored said:


> Ted - Would you like your pizza cut into six or eight slices Dougal?
> 
> Dougal - Oh just six, I don’t think I could eat eight.


What episode was that?


----------



## keybored (Oct 3, 2019)

LeytonCatLady said:


> What episode was that?


Good question


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 3, 2019)

'Tis the biggest lingerie section in Ireland, so I believe! I read that... somewhere.


----------



## T & P (Oct 3, 2019)

Here's Mrs Doyle complaining about the language in the book...


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 3, 2019)

(Father Todd Unctious walks into Ted and Dougal's room uninvited):

"Ah, look at ya lying there like a big pair of feckin' eejits!"


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Oct 4, 2019)

LeytonCatLady said:


> (Father Todd Unctious walks into Ted and Dougal's room uninvited):
> 
> "Ah, look at ya lying there like a big pair of feckin' eejits!"



So, here we are then... All the lads


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 4, 2019)

Hey! We're on a plane!


----------



## stavros (Oct 4, 2019)

LeytonCatLady said:


> Sorry to bump a 10-year-old thread but I can't believe no-one shared the following -
> 
> 
> DOUGAL (_after being introduced to American Father Buzz Cagney_): Ah, we were just talking about that Kurt Cobain fella from Nirvana, he was an American. God, imagine shooting yourself in the head! Sure how did he survive that!
> ...



Keeping the musical theme going:

Ted: "I was young once. The things we got up to in the seminary! Me and the lads, once we mitched off to see a Dana concert."
Dougal: "Dana! No one's listening to Dana any more. You'd be mad to listen to her."
Ted: "Yeah? Father Bigley listens to Dana and he's not mad."
Dougal: "Why's he in that home, then?"
Ted: "He's in that home because of those fires. That's nothing to do with Dana."


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 4, 2019)

stavros said:


> Keeping the musical theme going:
> 
> Ted: "I was young once. The things we got up to in the seminary! Me and the lads, once we mitched off to see a Dana concert."
> Dougal: "Dana! No one's listening to Dana any more. You'd be mad to listen to her."
> ...



TED: "What should we write our song about?"
DOUGAL: "How about...a lovely horse!"


----------



## Jay Park (Oct 5, 2019)

“That money was just resting in my account”


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 5, 2019)

TED: Who's got the most boring voice?
Boring priest: Me, Ted. Sure I have an incredibly dirgy boring voice...
Enthusiastic priest: Ted! Did you want a dramatic, theatrical voice?


----------



## stavros (Oct 5, 2019)




----------



## Throbbing Angel (Oct 5, 2019)

'Those women were in the nip!'


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 6, 2019)

"He's got a mane of white hair, kinda like a mule. Big hairy ass. Lives with an idiot boy, name of Dougal."


----------



## Throbbing Angel (Oct 6, 2019)

'I hear you're a racist now Father'


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 6, 2019)

Mrs Doyle: Would ya like some cake Father?
Ted: No thanks Mrs Doyle.
Mrs Doyle: Are you sure now? I put cocaine in it!


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 6, 2019)

Throbbing Angel said:


> 'I hear you're a racist now Father'


“How did you get interested in that type of thing?”


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 6, 2019)

stavros said:


>



Best get going Father. Milk gets sour quickly! Except UHT milk but there's no demand for it because it's shite.


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Oct 6, 2019)

Are you up to your old tricks Tom?

No, it's my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 6, 2019)

TED: Smooth as a baby's behind!
DOUGAL: You'd know all about that, Ted!
TED: WHAT???
DOUGAL: When you're baptising the babies.


----------



## Idris2002 (Oct 6, 2019)

Who would he be like, Ted? Hitler, or one of them fellas?


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 6, 2019)

MRS DOYLE: Excuse me Father, there's a woman here to see you.
TED: You mean a nun.
MRS DOYLE: No, it's a woman all right. A _real _woman. With a SKIRT!


----------



## pesh (Oct 6, 2019)

stavros said:


>



thats John Rogan, he was an absolute legend, I worked on a show with him years back and every time I bumped into him afterwards he'd drag me into the nearest pub and we'd get shitfaced


----------



## stavros (Oct 6, 2019)

Ted: "Doesn't Mary have a lovely bottom?"
Judge: "Careful, Ted, that might offend the girls."
Ted: "Oh yes, of course. Ahem, of course they _all_ have lovely bottoms."


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 6, 2019)

(loud whisper): I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO!


----------



## stavros (Oct 7, 2019)

"I've heard about those cults, Ted: dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us."


----------



## savoloysam (Oct 7, 2019)

What was the line about a spider in the bath or something. I think it was in one of the later episodes?


----------



## Ron Merlin (Oct 7, 2019)

The Spider-Baby perhaps?


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 7, 2019)

savoloysam said:


> What was the line about a spider in the bath or something. I think it was in one of the later episodes?



It's the "Ecumenical Matter" episode. One of the bishops explains the ceremony he's about to perform will require incense.

TED: Dougal, do we have any incense?
DOUGAL: There was a spider in the bath last night!
TED: No Dougal, INCENSE!


----------



## savoloysam (Oct 7, 2019)

LeytonCatLady said:


> It's the "Ecumenical Matter" episode. One of the bishops explains the ceremony he's about to perform will require incense.
> 
> TED: Dougal, do we have any incense?
> DOUGAL: There was a spider in the bath last night!
> TED: No Dougal, INCENSE!



That's the one. Had me in stitches for days first time around


----------



## Throbbing Angel (Oct 7, 2019)

Mary and John from the local shop crack me up

Episode 1.1 Good Luck, Father Ted
_	 [ John and Mary prepare to sell their wares at Funland ]_
John: Ya fat smelly cow!
Mary: Titface! You have a face like a pair of tits.
John: Well at least that's one pair between us.
_	 [ Father Ted arrives to talk about his upcoming television appearance and leaves ]_
John: Get those feckin' Crunchies out of the car!
Mary: Feck off!


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 7, 2019)

Throbbing Angel said:


> Mary and John from the local shop crack me up
> 
> Episode 1.1 Good Luck, Father Ted
> _	 [ John and Mary prepare to sell their wares at Funland ]_
> ...


John: Yer gonna stand there all day, ya fat old bitch?
Mary: Don't talk to me like that, ya pile of feckin' shite! (John barges past). Ya ignorant prick!
John: You watch your mouth!
Mary: l'll watch nothin'! (brandished knife) l'll stick this up yer arse!


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Oct 7, 2019)

It's one long quote divided into episodes and series, isn't it? Any couple of lines would do.


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 7, 2019)

"Maybe I like the misery."


----------



## stavros (Oct 9, 2019)




----------



## stavros (Oct 11, 2019)




----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 11, 2019)

DOUGAL (looking out the window with his binoculars awaiting the bishops' arrival): "No sign of them yet, Ted."
TED: "Er Dougal (cut to bishops sitting on sofa looking bewildered)...they've arrived!"


----------



## TheHoodedClaw (Oct 12, 2019)




----------



## stavros (Oct 12, 2019)




----------



## stavros (Oct 13, 2019)

I think I'm right in saying only two English people appear in Father Ted. One is Richard Wilson; who's the other?


----------



## TheHoodedClaw (Oct 13, 2019)

stavros said:


> I think I'm right in saying only two English people appear in Father Ted. One is Richard Wilson; who's the other?



Richard Wilson isn't English.


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 13, 2019)

TheHoodedClaw said:


> Richard Wilson isn't English.


I didn't know that! Just looked him up Richard Wilson (Scottish actor) - Wikipedia and he is indeed Scottish. He doesn't sound it in that episode as himself.


----------



## danny la rouge (Oct 13, 2019)

stavros said:


> I think I'm right in saying only two English people appear in Father Ted. One is Richard Wilson; who's the other?


Brian Eno. 

(See notes above regarding Richard Wilson, who has the same accent in everything).


----------



## William of Walworth (Oct 13, 2019)

danny la rouge said:


> *Brian Eno*.
> 
> (See notes above regarding Richard Wilson, who has the same accent in everything).



Explain with a link please!! 

I thought I'd seen absolutely all episodes. More than once! 

But I have no memory _at all_  of a lengthy Eno sample from 'My Life in the Bush of Ghosts'


----------



## William of Walworth (Oct 13, 2019)

*Major!!* respect to the encyclopediac knowledge of the superfan LeytonCatLady !!  x 1,000


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 13, 2019)

William of Walworth said:


> *Major!!* respect to the encyclopediac knowledge of the superfan LeytonCatLady !!  x 1,000


Thank you. I own all 25 episodes on DVD and can probably recite them all in my sleep. I'm obsessed!


----------



## danny la rouge (Oct 13, 2019)

William of Walworth said:


> Explain with a link please!!
> 
> I thought I'd seen absolutely all episodes. More than once!
> 
> But I have no memory _at all_  of a lengthy Eno sample from 'My Life in the Bush of Ghosts'


He appears as “Fr Brian Eno” in the last episode.


----------



## 2hats (Oct 13, 2019)

Father Hiroshima Twinkie.


----------



## Eggby (Oct 13, 2019)

Terry (On the phone to Ted):
Where is Craggy Island?. We can't find it on any maps.

Ted (smiling):
Oh no, it wouldn't be on any maps. We're not exactly New York! No, the best way to find it is to head out from Galway and go slightly north until you see the English boats with the nuclear symbol. They go very close to the island when dumping the old 'glow-in-the-dark'.


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 14, 2019)

TED: What are you doing still up, Mrs Doyle?
MRS DOYLE: Ah, I always stay up Father, in case one of yer comes down for a cup of tea!
TED: But Mrs Doyle, we never get up!
MRS DOYLE: Well you're up now all right! Unless I'm hallucinating due to lack of sleep. Sure that's happened before!
TED: I just need me coat, Mrs Doyle, I'm going out.
MRS DOYLE: Right so! (sighs, clicks light off and continues to stand there in the dark).


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Oct 14, 2019)

Fathers: Andy Riley,  Desmond Coyle, George Byrne,  David Nicholson,  Declan Lynch,  Ken Sweeney,  Neil Hannon,  Keith Cullen, Ciaran Donnelly,  Mick McEvoy,  Jack White,  Henry Bigbigging,  Hank Tree, Hiroshima Twinkie,  Stig Bubblecard, Johnny Helzapoppin, Luke Duke, Billy Furley, Chewy Loui, John Hoop, Harry Cakelinem, Rabulah Conundrum, Pee-wee Stairmaster, Tri-Peglips, Jemimah Ractoole, Jerry Twig, Spodo Komodo, Canabra Malamer, Todd Unctious.

Not lovingly collated by me, I found a list.


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 14, 2019)

JuanTwoThree said:


> Father  Jack White



It's only because of the fact that this episode was from 1996 that I know this isn't a reference to yer man from White Stripes.


----------



## stavros (Oct 16, 2019)

TheHoodedClaw said:


> Richard Wilson isn't English.



I didn't know that either.

Besides, I later realised that there were other English people besides him and Eno, as Ozzie Yue is the dad of the Yin family in _Are You Right There Father Ted?_ and he's from Liverpool.

Anyway:


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 16, 2019)

TED: I need to order some really black priests' socks.
DOUGAL: Are priests' socks blacker than any other type of sock?
TED: Yes Dougal, if you go into a layman's shop you'll see what look like black socks but are really just very very dark blue.
DOUGAL: That's true. I thought my uncle Tommy was wearing black socks, but when I looked closer, they were very very VERY very dark blue!
TED: Never buy black socks from an ordinary shop. They'll shaft you every time!
(Dougal looks nervous).


----------



## Buckaroo (Oct 17, 2019)

JuanTwoThree said:


> Fathers: Andy Riley,  Desmond Coyle, George Byrne,  David Nicholson,  Declan Lynch,  Ken Sweeney,  Neil Hannon,  Keith Cullen, Ciaran Donnelly,  Mick McEvoy,  Jack White,  Henry Bigbigging,  Hank Tree, Hiroshima Twinkie,  Stig Bubblecard, Johnny Helzapoppin, Luke Duke, Billy Furley, Chewy Loui, John Hoop, Harry Cakelinem, Rabulah Conundrum, Pee-wee Stairmaster, Tri-Peglips, Jemimah Ractoole, Jerry Twig, Spodo Komodo, Canabra Malamer, Todd Unctious.



Todd Unctious!


----------



## Buckaroo (Oct 17, 2019)




----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 17, 2019)

Buckaroo said:


> View attachment 187351


Your user name reminded me of another one:

DOUGAL: Chess or Buckaroo, Ted?
TED: Buckaroo.
DOUGAL: Only joking Ted! I fancy a game of chess today. Ready for another thrashing?
TED: Dougal...you've never beaten me, ever!


----------



## stavros (Oct 17, 2019)




----------



## T & P (Oct 18, 2019)

stavros said:


>



Fucking brilliant episode, that...


----------



## Throbbing Angel (Oct 18, 2019)




----------



## stavros (Oct 18, 2019)

Dougal: "Oh, look at this one. Doesn't he look like that fella, Harvey Keitel?"
Ted: "Harvey Keitel? God, Dougal, how could a rabbit look like Harv-... God almighty! It's the spitting image!"


----------



## friendofdorothy (Oct 18, 2019)

Down with this sort of thing!


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 18, 2019)

Careful now!


----------



## DexterTCN (Oct 18, 2019)

LeytonCatLady said:


> Careful now!


Right then.


----------



## stavros (Oct 19, 2019)




----------



## stavros (Oct 20, 2019)

Bishop Brennan: "The number of people's lives irreparably damaged!"
Dougal: "They were only nuns."


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 21, 2019)

"I really shouldn't be here!"


----------



## DexterTCN (Oct 21, 2019)

"The way I feel now I could convert gays!"  Ted, buzzing.


----------



## DexterTCN (Oct 21, 2019)

"Well didn't you think it was strange? Three Priests on an Island, alone like that?"

Ted, talking about another island with other priests.


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 21, 2019)

(Rare logic from Dougal) :
TED: We'll knock quietly on the door.
DOUGAL: So we won't wake them up?
TED: No, we need to wake them so they can let us in.
DOUGAL : Shouldn't we knock loudly then?
TED : Yes, good point!


----------



## stavros (Oct 21, 2019)

"It's great having a nun around - gives the place a bit of glamour."


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 21, 2019)

stavros said:


> "It's great having a nun around - gives the place a bit of glamour."


"A woman's touch!"
(Sister Monica walks in).
DOUGAL : Ted says you were touching him!


----------



## stavros (Oct 23, 2019)




----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 23, 2019)

TED: Mrs Doyle, do you think the church treats women badly?
MRS DOYLE (weighed down by gardening gear): No Father, I've always thought the church very sympathetic to my views. They gave me great support when I was having personal troubles. I know some people like to run the church down, but no, I've no complaints at all.
(Ted and Dougal have been scoffing crisps throughout her speech and not really listening).
TED (dismissively): Yeah, great!


----------



## T & P (Oct 24, 2019)

Bishop: So Father, do you ever have any doubts about the religious life?
Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, and he's looking down at us from heaven and everything? And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that? And when we die, we're all going to go to heaven?
Bishop: Yes. What about it?
Dougal: Well that's the bit I have trouble with.


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 24, 2019)

T & P said:


> Bishop: So Father, do you ever have any doubts about the religious life?
> Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, and he's looking down at us from heaven and everything? And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that? And when we die, we're all going to go to heaven?
> Bishop: Yes. What about it?
> Dougal: Well that's the bit I have trouble with.


"Treasure this man, Father Ted! He has wisdom beyond his years. "


----------



## stavros (Oct 25, 2019)

A long selection of Noel Furlong's best cameos. The one about being trapped in the caves and resorting to eating one another is arguably my favourite bit in any episode:


----------



## stavros (Oct 27, 2019)

Dougal: "But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone."
Ted: "Dougal! They're bishops!"


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 31, 2019)

Mrs Doyle has been going all gooey over the singer Eoin McLove.
TED: Women!
DOUGAL (looks round nervously): Where?!


----------



## CNT36 (Oct 31, 2019)

LeytonCatLady said:


> I didn't know that! Just looked him up Richard Wilson (Scottish actor) - Wikipedia and he is indeed Scottish. He doesn't sound it in that episode as himself.


He sounds far more Scottish in the old Peter Rabbit cartoons.


----------



## stavros (Nov 1, 2019)

"It's so true."


----------



## stavros (Nov 6, 2019)




----------



## DexterTCN (Nov 6, 2019)

Pretty sure we've already had 'another mass'.


----------



## stavros (Nov 8, 2019)

"We might not be coming back next year. They say Father Clippit does a good long mass. Three hours he does, on a good night, since his stroke."


----------



## stavros (Dec 6, 2019)




----------



## LeytonCatLady (Dec 6, 2019)

stavros said:


>



ED BYRNE: D-U-U-H-H! Stupid priests!
CHATBACK AGENT: This is a priest-only line! Are you a priest?
ED BYRNE: Bunch of feckin' wankers!


----------



## stavros (Dec 21, 2019)

Ted: "So now he doesn't know whether to stay with his wife, the sister, or run off with the babysitter!"
Dougal: "And when's his next Confession?"
Ted: "Tuesday."


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Dec 21, 2019)

stavros said:


> Ted: "So now he doesn't know whether to stay with his wife, the sister, or run off with the babysitter!"
> Dougal: "And when's his next Confession?"
> Ted: "Tuesday."


"I'll keep you posted!"


----------



## stavros (Dec 22, 2019)

Dougal: "Did you ever see that film, Ted, where your man has his head transplanted onto a fly, and the fly's head was transplanted onto the man?"
Ted: "Oh, yes... what was it called...?"
Dougal: "'Out Of Africa', I think. Anyway, your man has the head of the fly and he's chasing his wife all over the place and she's hiding the jam and everything so he won't get stuck in it..."
Ted: "I'll have to stop you there, Dougal."
Dougal: "Yes, Ted?"
Ted: "No reason. I just have to stop you."


----------



## stavros (Jan 24, 2020)

Ted: _Dougal_, _you know you can praise God with sleep_?
Dougal: _Can you, Ted?_
Ted: _You can. It's a way of thanking him for a tiring day._
Dougal:  _There's lots of ways you can praise God, isn't there? Like that time you told me to praise him by just, you know, leaving the room._


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Jan 24, 2020)

stavros said:


> Ted: _Dougal_, _you know you can praise God with sleep_?
> Dougal: _Can you, Ted?_
> Ted: _You can. It's a way of thanking him for a tiring day._
> Dougal:  _There's lots of ways you can praise God, isn't there? Like that time you told me to praise him by just, you know, leaving the room._


"That was a good one, yes!"


----------



## stavros (Jan 24, 2020)

"Oh, God, Ted. I'm so happy. The sun's out and we're in an opticians. It doesn't get any better than this."


----------



## Supine (Jan 24, 2020)

Feck!


----------



## dessiato (Jan 25, 2020)

Arse!


----------



## Supine (Jan 25, 2020)

Drink!


----------



## stavros (Jan 26, 2020)




----------



## LeytonCatLady (Jan 27, 2020)

FATHER BUZZ CAGNEY: That silver haired priest, who is he?
FATHER ALAN: That's Father Ted Crilly. What's your name?
(Buzz seems to dematerialise).
BUZZ (reappears as if by magic): Sorry, I went over there for a second, what did you say?


----------



## High Voltage (Jan 27, 2020)

Without doubt my absolute favourite Father Dougal "exchange"

Father Dougal: Ahh, lets see, I'll have the Hindu Curry, Steak and Chips, and a glass of Coke thanks.

Policeman: Do you know where you are? You're in a police station.

Father Dougal: Oh right. Well, in that case, I'll just have the Satay Chicken


----------



## stavros (Jan 27, 2020)

Ted: "He [Jack] loved children, of course."
Dougal: "He did, yes."
Ted: "Of course, they were terrified of him."


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Jan 28, 2020)

Listening to a podcaster y'day shilling a new super duper electric razor sponsoring his show "You could shave a gorilla in 30 minutes... You could shave your baby..." did not pass without my attempting a certain quotation (which, after looking it up, I see I got wrong, but ne'ermind...)


----------



## stavros (Jan 29, 2020)

"That was the thing about Jack... very bad around strangers."
"And people he knew."


----------



## stavros (Feb 17, 2020)

Ted: "Dougal, is there anything on your mind?"
[Dougal looks vacant and blank.]
Ted: "Let me rephrase that."


----------



## stavros (Feb 23, 2020)




----------



## stavros (Feb 24, 2020)

"Will you not have a sing, Ted? Aw, you have a lovely voice, very like Celine Dion."


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Feb 24, 2020)

stavros said:


> "Will you not have a sing, Ted? Aw, you have a lovely voice, very like Celine Dion."


NOEL: "Who's that? Is that Gerry Fields off to the disco?"
TED: "No, only us, we want to get some fresh air."
NOEL: "Make sure you bring us back some!"
TED: "Right so! (Under his breath): Feckin' eejit!"


----------



## stavros (Feb 26, 2020)

Ted writing his acceptance speech for the Golden Cleric, featuring the names of people "who have really fecked me off down the years":

"Father P.J. Clabbert... Wait, he's on the wrong list. He should be under 'Liars' rather than 'Twats'."


----------



## stavros (Feb 29, 2020)




----------



## two sheds (Feb 29, 2020)

stavros said:


>




That misses off one of Dougal's best lines at the end


----------



## Badgers (Feb 29, 2020)

Watched the whole series again this weekend. Still the best comedy ever. 

#feck


----------



## stavros (Mar 15, 2020)




----------



## Jay Park (Mar 21, 2020)

‘What if I enjoy the misery’


----------



## stavros (Mar 21, 2020)




----------



## stavros (Mar 26, 2020)




----------



## stavros (Apr 13, 2020)




----------



## jakejb79 (Apr 13, 2020)

The song that ''My lovely horse'' was based on:


----------



## stavros (Apr 15, 2020)

2020 is a leap year:


----------



## stavros (Apr 16, 2020)

I saw Justin Welby talking on last week's Marr earlier, about how people would dial into services. I thought there was ample opportunity for Ed Byrne and friend:


----------



## stavros (Apr 19, 2020)

"You got me sacked, and now I'm having to yank meself round the clock 'cause I'm not getting any proper sex with girls."


----------



## stavros (Apr 24, 2020)

As inspired by Trump's health advice:


----------



## stavros (May 22, 2020)




----------



## stavros (May 25, 2020)




----------



## stavros (May 26, 2020)

I like the fact that the two people with pictures on the parochial house mantelpiece are Pope John Paul II and Jack Charlton.


----------



## stavros (Jun 11, 2020)

I don't know if we've had this, so feck it:


----------



## two sheds (Aug 27, 2020)

I'd love a set of these:









						'That's mad, Ted': stamps launched for Father Ted's 25th anniversary
					

Stamps feature phrases from award-winning comedy set on fictional Craggy Island




					www.theguardian.com


----------



## pabkennedy@yaho (Sep 1, 2020)

Father Jack "*How did* that gobshite get on the television?!"


----------



## stavros (Sep 1, 2020)

Dougal practising guarding the corner flag:


----------



## spitfire (Sep 1, 2020)

two sheds said:


> I'd love a set of these:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm sure they deliver.









						Father Ted Booklet of 5 Stamps
					






					www.anpost.com
				




This made me chortle.


----------



## two sheds (Sep 1, 2020)

spitfire said:


> I'm sure they deliver.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



 

ordered last week  quite reasonable delivery to uk too


----------



## stavros (Sep 3, 2020)

spitfire said:


> I'm sure they deliver.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm not sure I have enough money resting in my account.


----------



## stavros (Sep 6, 2020)

Not a quote, but this story from a couple of week's ago was life imitating art.


----------



## two sheds (Sep 6, 2020)

my lovely sheep?


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Sep 7, 2020)

jakejb79 said:


> The song that ''My lovely horse'' was based on:



I always felt the "borrowed" version of "My Lovely Horse" bore a closer resemblance to Harpo's "Moviestar"!


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Sep 7, 2020)

stavros said:


> I don't know if we've had this, so feck it:


TED: "Well frankly, I don't give a toss!"
(Dougal looks shocked).


----------



## stavros (Sep 7, 2020)

"He's like a different sheep."


----------



## two sheds (Sep 7, 2020)

Stamps have arrived


----------



## stavros (Sep 7, 2020)

two sheds said:


> Stamps have arrived



Which ones have you got?

I think they're just quotes, but it'd be good to have images on too:


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## two sheds (Sep 8, 2020)

yes that would have been ideal but just quotes (so fitting for the thread), although there are images and a bit of a write up  on the little folder they come in


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## Idris2002 (Sep 9, 2020)

I watched the Holiday episode the other night. It struck me that Graham Norton's character (Fr. Noel Furlong) is a social type that doesn't really exist in Ireland anymore.


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## spitfire (Sep 12, 2020)

two sheds said:


> ordered last week  quite reasonable delivery to uk too



By an amazing coincidence my Dad just sent me a set as a surprise!

Will take pride of place next to my Che set.


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## two sheds (Sep 12, 2020)

Yes I thought just after I'd bought them that they'd make a really good present.


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## stavros (Sep 12, 2020)

spitfire said:


> By an amazing coincidence my Dad just sent me a set as a surprise!
> 
> Will take pride of place next to my Che set.
> 
> View attachment 230014



There are worse things you could decorate your home with.


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## LeytonCatLady (Sep 12, 2020)

stavros said:


> There are worse things you could decorate your home with.


"Actually, no I can't explain."


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## Supine (Sep 13, 2020)

Have you seen any insense?

There was a spider in the bathroom last night


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## Saul Goodman (Sep 13, 2020)




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## stavros (Sep 13, 2020)

Father Purcell makes a good case for being the best priest who only appears once.

Father Bigley doesn't count, as he never appears.


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## stavros (Sep 14, 2020)

"I don't care who he hates, as long as I can have a go at the Greeks. They invented gayness!"


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## LeytonCatLady (Sep 14, 2020)

stavros said:


> "They invented gayness!"



"Pints of it!"


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## stavros (Sep 17, 2020)




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## LeytonCatLady (Sep 17, 2020)

stavros said:


>


I was 14 the first time I saw that and laughed till my belly ached. Still has the same effect now.


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## two sheds (Sep 17, 2020)

I'm going to have to watch them all through again aren't I


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## Supine (Sep 17, 2020)

two sheds said:


> I'm going to have to watch them all through again aren't I



i've been doing that recently. it's worth it


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## two sheds (Sep 17, 2020)

I ripped them all and watched them about 6 months ago, too


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## stavros (Sep 18, 2020)

two sheds said:


> I'm going to have to watch them all through again aren't I



I've long thought it should be the entire Christian element of RE in schools, with possible intermissions for the Python films.


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## eatmorecheese (Sep 18, 2020)

stavros said:


> I've long thought it should be the entire Christian element of RE in schools, with possible intermissions for the Python films.



In the late 1990's, the collected VHS cassettes took pride of place in the day room of the English College in Rome (those British seminarians touted for fast progression in the Catholic Church). So I understand


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## Jay Park (Sep 21, 2020)

Obvs the punchline is fucking well minted but for me, the set-up line, ‘he’s not a very nice man is he?’ is an absolute beaut


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## Orang Utan (Sep 21, 2020)




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## Jay Park (Sep 22, 2020)

Jay Park said:


> Obvs the punchline is fucking well minted but for me, the set-up line, ‘he’s not a very nice man is he?’ is an absolute beaut




Actually - Hitler, and Jungle Music, and his notorious sleeping patterns. Bow down mere mortals 🙇🏼‍♂️


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## Jay Park (Sep 22, 2020)

“ Ah, jumping on my picture again? Father “


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## UrbaneFox (Sep 22, 2020)

sned said:


> Father Jack: "A feckin' pair of womens' knickers!!!"
> 
> can't remember in what context it was said


It's from the advent calendar. "What do you think is behinds today's window, Father Jack?'

Thanks for this thread, everyone. I like the bit where the caravan tips over, and Jack's funeral  "He could have been Pope, but for those fecking Jesuits. It's not what you know, it's who you know"


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## stavros (Sep 23, 2020)

UrbaneFox said:


> It's from the advent calendar. "What do you think is behinds today's window, Father Jack?'



Not as good as Dougal's guess:


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## LeytonCatLady (Sep 26, 2020)

*Mrs Doyle:*
Do you think our new guest would like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow. (laughs simperingly)

*Father Ted:*
I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (laughs)

*Mrs Doyle (suddenly serious):*
Yes.

*Father Ted (taken aback):*
What?

*Mrs Doyle:*
Yes, we do have some sheep tea.

*Father Ted:*
Oh. Well... you'd better... give him some of that, then.

*Mrs Doyle (overjoyed):*
Okay so!


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## tim (Oct 29, 2020)

Sinn Fein Senator resigns over incorrectly paid Covid payment that was just resting in her account

Sinn Féin's Elisha McCallion resigns over Covid-19 grant money



> Mrs McCallion apologised "unreservedly" on Thursday afternoon, saying the grant was lodged into a joint account of which she is a named signature with her husband.
> "I fully accept that as a named signature on the account that I should have taken extra steps to verify this situation, before it was brought to my attention on Tuesday.


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## two sheds (Nov 1, 2020)

Spider baby DOES exist


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## stavros (Nov 1, 2020)

It's good that, after realising the priesthood wasn't for him, Father Damo found his true calling at Aston Villa:


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## LeytonCatLady (Feb 10, 2021)

RIP Rynagh O'Grady AKA Mary O'Leary









						Tributes paid to Father Ted star Rynagh O'Grady as actress dies suddenly
					

The Dublin actress was famously known as Mary O'Leary from Craggy Island




					www.irishmirror.ie


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## stavros (Feb 10, 2021)




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## stavros (Feb 28, 2021)

I forget whether this one's been posted on any of the nine preceding pages:


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## PR1Berske (Feb 28, 2021)

Jay Park said:


> ‘What if I enjoy the misery’



My partner and I will say this at each and every opportunity, it's just part of our vocabulary now.


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## Throbbing Angel (Feb 28, 2021)

LeytonCatLady said:


> RIP Rynagh O'Grady AKA Mary O'Leary
> 
> 
> 
> ...



.


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## stavros (Mar 1, 2021)




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## hitmouse (Mar 1, 2021)

Just remembered one of the most absolutely brutal nicknames I've ever encountered, I used to work with a guy where a former colleague had given him the nickname "Father Stone."


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## Saul Goodman (Mar 1, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> Just remembered one of the most absolutely brutal nicknames I've ever encountered, I used to work with a guy where a former colleague had given him the nickname "Father Stone."


I reckon Austin Purcell would be worse.


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## LeytonCatLady (Mar 1, 2021)

Saul Goodman said:


> I reckon Austin Purcell would be worse.


Undecided between two extremes!


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## Saul Goodman (Mar 1, 2021)

LeytonCatLady said:


> Undecided between two extremes!


You could hide Stone in the corner and forget about him. Purcell, you'd be running through potential burial sites.


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## stavros (Mar 2, 2021)

Surely Father Stack is worse than both, and indeed worse than Hitler.

Father Jessop's sarcasm also springs to mind.


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## Saul Goodman (Mar 2, 2021)

stavros said:


> Surely Father Stack is worse than both, and indeed worse than Hitler.


I like him


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## LeytonCatLady (Mar 2, 2021)

stavros said:


> Surely Father Stack is worse than both, and indeed worse than Hitler.
> 
> Father Jessop's sarcasm also springs to mind.


Nah, you wouldn't get Hitler playing jungle music at 3am!


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## blairsh (Mar 2, 2021)

Saul Goodman said:


> I like him


How can you not like the junglist priest?


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## Saul Goodman (Mar 2, 2021)

blairsh said:


> How can you not like the junglist priest?


How can you not like this...


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## LeytonCatLady (Mar 2, 2021)

Saul Goodman said:


> How can you not like this...



"Except I think you're imagining what they look like without shorts, ya dirty fecker!"


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## blairsh (Mar 2, 2021)




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## LeytonCatLady (Mar 2, 2021)

blairsh said:


>



"Well, I think you're a very rude man."


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## blairsh (Mar 2, 2021)

"Who would he be like Ted, Hitler or one of them mad fellas?"

"No Dougal, he's much worse than Hitler"


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## Orang Utan (Mar 2, 2021)

My favourite is the vandal priest - Father Liam Deliverance


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## LeytonCatLady (Mar 2, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> My favourite is the vandal priest - Father Liam Deliverance



"How much did you pay for the door, Ted?"
"I don't know Liam, it came with the house!"


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## stavros (Mar 4, 2021)

"'Clit Power'; what is that? I mean I knew a Father Clint Power once. Maybe she's having a go at him."


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## stavros (Mar 6, 2021)

"Ted! Ted! Clint Eastwood's been arrested for a crime he didn't comm... oh wait, it's just a fillum."


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## danny la rouge (Mar 9, 2021)




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## Indeliblelink (Mar 9, 2021)

*Adios Ted!*


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## stavros (Mar 12, 2021)




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## stavros (Mar 14, 2021)




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## stavros (Mar 14, 2021)

Ted: "It's just a rush. I feel fearless. Like Jeff Bridges in that movie."
Dougal: "I didn't see that one."
Ted: "Not many people have, Dougal. It's probably a bad reference."


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## stavros (Apr 10, 2021)




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## purves grundy (Apr 10, 2021)

“There’s cocaine in it!”


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## LeytonCatLady (Apr 10, 2021)

stavros said:


>



It's banned in most European countries, that means it's very good!


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## stavros (Apr 20, 2021)

Mrs Doyle: "My friend Mrs O'Dwyer was robbed last week."
Ted: "Oh no! Did they take much?"
"No, I don't think you understand, Father. She was robbed; they stole her."
"Oh, I see."
"It's a terrible thing when old people can't walk down the street for fear of being stolen."


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## stavros (Apr 20, 2021)




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## stavros (May 18, 2021)




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## stavros (Jul 1, 2021)

The scheduled lifting of Covid restrictions will further add to the list of things that have happened on 19 July.


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## LeytonCatLady (Jul 1, 2021)

stavros said:


> The scheduled lifting of Covid restrictions will further add to the list of things that have happened on 19 July.



You're right there Ted, ya big bollocks!


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## stavros (Jul 2, 2021)

During the plague:


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## LeytonCatLady (Jul 2, 2021)

stavros said:


> During the plague:



Ah sorry about that, Bishop Len Brennan!


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## stavros (Oct 29, 2021)

Did anyone else hear Thought for the Day on Radio 4 this morning? They had the Pope talking, I think in Latin, with the English dubbed over it. It reminded me of Father Hernandez, albeit less believable.


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