# The office 'scolding email' thread



## Badgers (Nov 14, 2006)

I love getting emails like this, they crack me up.....



> Guys
> 
> Who ever has left an half eaten bowl of cereal on the side in the kitchen - can you empty it and place in the dishwasher - I dread to think what your home must be like!
> 
> ...



Please post more up and make my working day more bearable!!


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## etnea (Nov 14, 2006)

I have a few of these...


> Dear all
> Could you please do me a favour?  If you're going to unplug something to make room to plug something else in, can you make sure that it's not something essential that you're unplugging, like for example the network, which was unplugged on the first floor today, causing me a whole load of headscratching and confusion.
> Ta muchly






> Dear all
> While I realise that I will be doing the big switch from mac to PC over the next few months,  this does not mean that you can abuse your macs.   I was incredibly shocked and disgusted last night to find that someone had seen fit to stick some chewing gum to their emac.
> The computers that you use here are the property of ********, and should be treated with respect.  That means not drawing on them, putting stickers on them, or indeed sticking chewing gum to them.  It's disgusting, irresponsible, childish behaviour, and given that we're all adults here, I would appreciate it if you could all behave accordingly.





> Dear all
> Can I remind you that as this is Friday, I will be emptying the fridges at the end of the day.
> 
> This is not a pleasant job, so I would be grateful if you could help me out in the following way.  Please take the time to dispose of anything you do not want to keep and MARK CLEARLY WITH YOUR NAME anything you do want to keep.  Anything left unmarked will be disposed of.
> ...





> Dear all
> It seems that the recent email sent by the MD regarding the consumption of smelly food, specifically fish, didn’t quite filter through to everyone.  It’s really, really hot, and it is doing nothing at all for the atmosphere in the office to have great wafts of fish emanating from the first floor, in fact I feel downright nauseous.
> I don’t care who it was, this is not a finger pointing exercise, but I would like to emphasise the COMPLETE BAN on all hot fish dishes, as well as smelly food generally – it’s really unfair on your colleagues, so please try to use a little bit of common sense when packing you school lunch.





> Dear all
> Could you PLEASE try and exercise a little care when putting things back in the fridge. I don’t particularly enjoy mopping up spilt milk because someone has put it back in the fridge on its side without the lid properly on.  And while I realise there’s no point in crying over it (ha ha) it’s really not that difficult to put things away properly.


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## aqua (Nov 14, 2006)

:d:d:d


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## cesare (Nov 14, 2006)

I don't get those anymore. Those are great - at least some of them injected some humour


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## Donna Ferentes (Nov 14, 2006)

I wrote one once after somebody kept drinking my milk. It went something like:

_Before drinking the milk in the fridge from the carton marked Donna, please check that your name is, in fact, Donna. Somebody has been drinking from it under the apparent impression that their name is Donna, which surprises me as to my knowledge I am in fact the only Donna working here. If you are not sure what your name is, please check with a friend beforehand. Thank you. _


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## boozybirdie (Nov 14, 2006)

Donna Ferentes said:
			
		

> I wrote one once after somebody kept drinking my milk. It went something like:
> 
> _Before drinking the milk in the fridge from the carton marked Donna, please check that your name is, in fact, Donna. Somebody has been drinking from it under the apparent impression that their name is Donna, which surprises me as to my knowledge I am in fact the only Donna working here. If you are not sure what your name is, please check with a friend beforehand. Thank you. _



 fab


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## Loki (Nov 14, 2006)

etnea said:
			
		

> > Dear all
> > It seems that the recent email sent by the MD regarding the consumption of smelly food, specifically fish, didn’t quite filter through to everyone. It’s really, really hot, and it is doing nothing at all for the atmosphere in the office to have great wafts of fish emanating from the first floor, in fact I feel downright nauseous.
> > I don’t care who it was, this is not a finger pointing exercise, but I would like to emphasise the COMPLETE BAN on all hot fish dishes, as well as smelly food generally – it’s really unfair on your colleagues, so please try to use a little bit of common sense when packing you school lunch.



That person wouldn't speak for me, I wouldn't give a fuck, glad they're enjoying some decent nosh.

I bet they're on some sort of diet and can't handle the smell of yummy food.


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## Badgers (Nov 14, 2006)

A personal favourite from June this year



> Can i please reiterate ******'s notes of earlier that nobody should be touching the air-conditioning.
> 
> I fully understand that there are 4 or 5 of you who get cold.  But there are 40 of us in the room - half who don't get any direct access to air anyway - so you turn the air conditioning off and the rest of us fall over from heat exhaustion.
> 
> ...


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## Wintermute (Nov 14, 2006)

etnea said:
			
		

> Dear all
> Could you please do me a favour? If you're going to unplug something to make room to plug something else in, can you make sure that it's not something essential that you're unplugging, like for example the network, which was unplugged on the first floor today, causing me a whole load of headscratching and confusion.
> Ta muchly




the others are fair game - my own favourite was one reminding everybody that the cleaners are only contracted to clean 2 cups per person so could you please keep count and wash up if you've gone over?  But that one - "dear everybody, please don't unplug the computer network..."  I'd have stuck barbed wire to the back of the plug, never mind a group email...


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## fractionMan (Nov 14, 2006)

I got one in all capitals the other day



> PLEASE CAN YOU EITHER WASH UP YOUR CUPS OR AT LEAST PLACE THEM IN THE DISHWASHER AND IF THE DISHWASHER IF FULL TURN IT ON.
> 
> IT IS NOT THE CLEANERS RESPONSIBILITY TO WASH UP STACKS OF CROCKERY.  THEY WILL LOAD AND UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER WHEN THEY ARE HERE, BUT IT IS NOT THERE JOB TO HAND WASH 50 MUGS.
> 
> Your co-operation is appreciated.


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## Badgers (Nov 14, 2006)

A recurring theme....



> Hi Team,
> 
> I just wandered through the office and to be honest it is already starting to get that backpackers flop house look about it.  Now I hate writing these sorts of notes – so I want this to be my only one.
> 
> ...


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## fractionMan (Nov 14, 2006)

In my mind, that's exactly what cleaners are employed to do.  Clean things.


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## Badgers (Nov 14, 2006)

I really enjoyed this one as two less 'pleasant' members of the management team were involved in the 'late night drinking session' 



> Dear all
> 
> We are very fortunate to have maintained one of the traditions of the old 'dot-com' era and maintained our SMEG fridge stocked with beers.
> 
> ...


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## oryx (Nov 14, 2006)

This thread is   .

In a previous workplace, an email went round from one of the HR people asking us to refrain from using dessert spoons to make tea & coffee, instead of teaspoons. She obviously had loads of really important HR-related things to do .....NOT!

(I was one of the main culprits    )


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## Badgers (Nov 14, 2006)

> We have had company mobile phones for a few months now and generally the bills are ok.  However there are a small number of you that are clearly using the phones for personal use in the evenings and at weekends.  If this continues then we will have no choice but to deduct personal call costs from your expenses or salaries.
> 
> Here are a few points to remind you:
> 
> ...



I _may_ have been 'spoken to directly'


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## Mr Retro (Nov 14, 2006)

I love the mobile phone one

I have a conversation every couple of weeks that goes:

Can we have your personal mobile number?
- No it's personal
Do you want a company phone then?
- Can I use it for personal calls because I'm not carrying 2 around?
No, it's for company use only
- No thanks then.
So can we have your personal mobile number?
- No it's personal
Do you want .......


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## tommers (Nov 14, 2006)

god, this depresses me.  I am so glad I don't work in that environment any more.  I mean, we still get people moaning about not washing up cups but nobody sends an email about it.

so much pent up frustration..  *shakes head*


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## Mr_Nice (Nov 14, 2006)

Had a classic a while ago ... some woman sent out an email on the coporate distribution list saying that she had an ironing board for sale for £15, then some one replied to ALL asking if she would take £10 then an IT bod mails everyone to say that this is using up valuable resource, then some one else replies asking if it came with an iron then somebody higher the chain said stop sending any more mails, then another jobs worth sent another to all saying that he was quite right ...etc


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## beeboo (Nov 14, 2006)

> a professional office (with a personality) that we are proud to work in.



 



> We are very fortunate to have maintained one of the traditions of the old 'dot-com' era and maintained our SMEG fridge stocked with beers



oooh, a "SMEG" fridge.  I love how unnecessary, but telling, that detail is.


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## cesare (Nov 14, 2006)

For some reason that comment about not crying over the spilt milk really tickled me


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## Pieface (Nov 14, 2006)

beeboo said:
			
		

> :
> oooh, a "SMEG" fridge.  I love how unnecessary, but telling, that detail is.




I know.  Sounds odious doesn't it?  A pox on the smeggy fridge!


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## beeboo (Nov 14, 2006)

PieEye said:
			
		

> I know.  Sounds odious doesn't it?  A pox on the smeggy fridge!



Poor office, living under the illusion it is still 1997.


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## Badgers (Nov 15, 2006)

beeboo said:
			
		

> living under the illusion it is still 1997.



A bit like our mate OJ?

February 4 1997 (over 9 years ago!!!) 

O. J. Simpson is found liable in civil court for the death of Ron Goldman and for the battery of Nicole Brown Simpson. Simpson is ordered to pay *$35,000,000* in damages to the families of the 2 victims.


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## J77 (Nov 15, 2006)

> ...a couple of members of this department were seen crawling around underneath the tables... they were attempting to remove the 4 way electrical cables...


At one of the UKs most prestigous education institutes


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## Loki (Nov 15, 2006)

> Here’s the deal – not everyone wants to work in a messy environment (even if you do) it is unprofessional, unproductive and frustrating.



Wrong, wrong and wrong! In fact, I read about a study that found that people with "untidy" cluttered desks are mostly more productive and creative than their clean desk counterparts.

In yer face!


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## irishshapes (Nov 15, 2006)

Mr Retro said:
			
		

> I love the mobile phone one
> 
> I have a conversation every couple of weeks that goes:
> 
> ...



i've had my phone taken back off me, and now they want my personal number! i have this conversation every few weeks! i'm actually beggining to think it's quite funny now!


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## electrogirl (Nov 15, 2006)

I also like the little signs you get everywhere which generally have some kind of clip art on them. Those bloody beany men have a lot to answer for.


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## chio (Nov 15, 2006)

electrogirl said:
			
		

> I also like the little signs you get everywhere which generally have some kind of clip art on them. Those bloody beany men have a lot to answer for.


There's one where I am with something along the lines of _"Hi! I'm Mr Mouse! You might remember me from those irritating adverts. I absolutely adore it when you leave your half-eaten curry out overnight... keep it up and you'll not be able to get rid of me... ever..."_


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## Mogden (Nov 15, 2006)

Loki said:
			
		

> Wrong, wrong and wrong! In fact, I read about a study that found that people with "untidy" cluttered desks are mostly more productive and creative than their clean desk counterparts.
> 
> In yer face!


Well this lot will be doing chuff all work then.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6149324.stm
I'm more inclined to believe it's true rather than:

"Staff are asked to organise their desks when shared with colleagues to avoid clutter and to make sure they have everything set up to do their job effectively. 

Any suggestion that staff are restricted to a pen and cup on their desk is simply not true."

Nah mate, it's just a pen they're allowed


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## fractionMan (Nov 15, 2006)

Loki said:
			
		

> Wrong, wrong and wrong! In fact, I read about a study that found that people with "untidy" cluttered desks are mostly more productive and creative than their clean desk counterparts.
> 
> In yer face!


Where, where is that study?


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## Badgers (Nov 15, 2006)

My desk has nothing on it except a phone and a pack of business cards 99% of the time. I can confirm this is the sign of a VERY untidy mind


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## pk (Nov 15, 2006)

Donna Ferentes said:
			
		

> I wrote one once after somebody kept drinking my milk. It went something like:
> 
> _Before drinking the milk in the fridge from the carton marked Donna, please check that your name is, in fact, Donna. Somebody has been drinking from it under the apparent impression that their name is Donna, which surprises me as to my knowledge I am in fact the only Donna working here. If you are not sure what your name is, please check with a friend beforehand. Thank you. _



I'd have actively sought out your milk and drank it if I'd read that... probably left just enough to eke a cup of tea's worth out of it and peeled your nametag off it, just to piss you off.

I once worked in a busy office with a guy who was a complete twat, he'd often knock up stroppy memos that pissed people off, about stupid things that a quiet word would have sorted out. 

Anyway one day someone moved a pair of headphones that were on his desk to the other side of the room as they were needed to listen to a programme.
Everyone knew what had happened because there was a staff meeting, this guy missed it, but we all knew the headphones had been moved, oooh, 7 feet?

The next morning he sends one of his memos to ALL members of staff, several thousand people, warning them never to take his headphones again, and informing them that he'd marked them with a label with his name on it (even though they were company property).

15 minutes later the MD walks into the office and asks "who is John Smith" and everyone points to the twat, he strolls over to him and asks if he sent the memo, twat says "yeah" all defensive (not knowing who this guy is) and the MD says "clear your desk, you're fired, security will be up to escort you out in 5 minutes, so say your goodbyes" and strolls out.

Twat goes pale and says fuck all, escorted out, never to be seen again.


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## chio (Nov 15, 2006)

pk said:
			
		

> Twat goes pale and says fuck all, escorted out, never to be seen again.



that isn't actually that funny


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## J77 (Nov 15, 2006)

chio said:
			
		

> that isn't actually that funny


nah - it was hilarious


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## jæd (Nov 15, 2006)

Loki said:
			
		

> Wrong, wrong and wrong! In fact, I read about a study that found that people with "untidy" cluttered desks are mostly more productive and creative than their clean desk counterparts.



I used to work at a place with a clean desk policy. Spent 5 mins every morning taking stuff out of drawers and putting it on desk each morning. Then anouther 5 mins at night tidying away. 

It was the MDs personal bug-bear so when she went away for 2 weeks everyone let things slide. And then we spent the Friday before she came back tidying up the office...


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## May Kasahara (Nov 15, 2006)

Mr_Nice said:
			
		

> Had a classic a while ago ... some woman sent out an email on the coporate distribution list saying that she had an ironing board for sale for £15, then some one replied to ALL asking if she would take £10 then an IT bod mails everyone to say that this is using up valuable resource, then some one else replies asking if it came with an iron then somebody higher the chain said stop sending any more mails, then another jobs worth sent another to all saying that he was quite right ...etc



  Reminds me of the rather IT-unaware place I used to work at - one day everyone's system slowed down, really badly, during a very busy data entry period. No one knew why. Then everyone received an email with a MASSIVE attachment, which someone in management had sent round to everyone for no reason. Then the head of IT forwarded it around to everyone again, pointing out that sending massive attachments slows the system down considerably. Then our head of department replied (to everyone) to this email, still with attachment, agreeing how unnecessary and thoughtless it was and could everybody stop doing it please.

Mr K has had to send a few emails round his work that feature the words 'chodbin', 'stench', 'unbearable', 'air freshener' and 'unprofessional'.


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## Andy the Don (Nov 15, 2006)

Christ if I did not delete them the moment I receive one in my inbox I would have loads of these self important snippy emails from people who do not have enough work to do.

One recent email was the person expressing disappointment that certain members of staff (yup me included) had not put their names down on the monthly rota for washing the drying up cloths..  Guess what..?? Still have not put my name down on the rota..


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## Xanadu (Nov 15, 2006)

Dear all,

It was pointed out to me this morning that someone left a half smoked cigar in the fridge, not wrapped leaving ash everywhere.

It does not take a genius to point out why this is not on, one there is food in the fridge and the cigar has left a disgusting smell in there and also if this was smoked in the office then it is a more serious matter as this is not allowed. The cigar was left in a tray in the fridge with fresh fruit!!!

I have taken out the other cigar and left it in the kitchen with the half smoked one and whoever owns this can you please remove and not put back into the fridge again.

Regards,

Mr X


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## bmd (Nov 15, 2006)

I got this one this morning, fuck knows what a plugbank is.



> Can whoever has taken the plugbank from my room return it immediately.



I love the 'immediately'.


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## Idaho (Nov 15, 2006)

We got one the other day about correct attire. Alas I have deleted it along with my counter-question about whether kilts and tights for men qualify as 'business casual'.


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## Iam (Nov 15, 2006)

Bob Marleys Dad said:
			
		

> fuck knows what a plugbank is.









Now bring it back, damn you!!  

I don't have the actual text any more, but ours involved yoghurts.

It basically said "you threw my yoghurt out, you're all cunts, I hate you and I'm going to murder your children". Well, ok, it wasn't quite _that_ seriously toned, but it was close.

It was sent not to a couple of people nearby in the office, but to the national distribution list, and followed up seconds later with another titled "Yoghurtgate".


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## Loki (Nov 15, 2006)

Iam said:
			
		

> It was sent not to a couple of people nearby in the office, but to the national distribution list, and followed up seconds later with another titled "Yoghurtgate".


Yes, summat similar happened once when I worked in a company with about 20,000 employees. Someone sent a local office email company wide and we rolled around in hysterics as dozens of people who weren't paying attention hit "Reply-all" with stuff like, "Thanks, I can't see how a printer in Staines is relevant to me here in Tampa, but I'll see what I can do" etc...


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## May Kasahara (Nov 15, 2006)

In the same previous workplace I mentioned earlier, a fellow worker sent round some Viz 'Top Tips' as a bit of a laugh, not realising that she'd sent it to all including our incredibly stuffy and uptight MD. One of the Tips was the classic "Make your wife crying while you're having sex by phoning home and telling her." Apparently the MD gave this woman the hairdryer treatment about 'inappropriate use of email' and reduced her to tears.


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## Yossarian (Nov 15, 2006)

fractionMan said:
			
		

> Where, where is that study?



Lost under a pile of crap on someone's desk somewhere?


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## craigxcraig (Nov 15, 2006)

I had this one after a partic big weekend:

I have to email this to you to let you know how I feel about this afternoon. 

Mate, you turned up for work at 1pm and where an absolute waste of space, it was really not worth you coming in!!! I am really flexible with you changing holidays so you can have half day on Friday and half day on Monday, but to be honest I feel you are taking the p*ss out of me!!! Turning up and you are not able to distinguish between whether it is Monday or Tuesday is unacceptable!!! I really am annoyed and disappointed beacuse I have tried to help you when you aksed for Friday half day instead of all day Monday!!

In the future, I will definitely think twice about things. I know everyone has heavy weekends but coming into work and blatantly being incapable of doing anything is really out of order. You are quick enough to tell everyone how ruined you are and how you need to sleep...... but I would rather not here it.... and it is actually not funny!!!

Then to top it off when you where leaving saying ........'I am sorry i have been useless today; I will be ebtter tomorrow' really does almost tip me over the edge.


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## gemsy62 (Nov 15, 2006)

craigxcraig said:
			
		

> I had this one after a partic big weekend:
> 
> I have to email this to you to let you know how I feel about this afternoon.
> 
> ...



God if someone had to email me everytime I was like that, I would have left here a long time ago! I'm not the only one who enjoys a drink on a school night or who comes in worse for wear every once in a while. Its a sad fact of life that we have to spend half our waking hours in work it should be accepted that we're not always going to be full alert when we're there!


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## KellyDJ (Nov 15, 2006)

One we used to have in the ladies toilets of my past jobs

please clean the toilet after use.  Other people do not want to see your mess.  Apart from being unhygenic it's also disgusting!!!


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## Jenerys (Nov 15, 2006)

> For those using the shower please stop taking the Fairy liquid from the lower ground kitchen to wash your bits…it’s just wrong.






> Plastic wrappers from the Café’s 80p small baguettes will not flush down the toilets.
> 
> To the kind person that’s attempted this in the lower ground gents please come and fish it out


.





> As we seem to be on a theme lately with toilet training, I hope we don’t need to arrange an actual training session, the first floor ladies will not flush themselves – it hadn’t even been attempted, don’t ask how I know this.


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## May Kasahara (Nov 15, 2006)

Oh dear. I can't/don't want to imagine where you work Liljen!


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## Termite Man (Nov 15, 2006)

Not being an office monkey I don't get any of these emails . So a big thanks to everyone who has posted theres on this thread just for me to laugh at how pathetic office monkeys really are


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## chio (Nov 15, 2006)

KellyDJ said:
			
		

> One we used to have in the ladies toilets of my past jobs
> 
> please clean the toilet after use.  Other people do not want to see your mess.  Apart from being unhygenic it's also disgusting!!!



There aren't really emails flashing round here as it's a tiny company, but there are signs including "WE AIM TO PLEASE... WILL YOU AIM TOO PLEASE"


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## winterinmoscow (Nov 15, 2006)

This thread is just great!


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## Mr Smin (Nov 15, 2006)

May Kasahara said:
			
		

> Reminds me of the rather IT-unaware place I used to work at - one day everyone's system slowed down, really badly, during a very busy data entry period. No one knew why. Then everyone received an email with a MASSIVE attachment, which someone in management had sent round to everyone for no reason. Then the head of IT forwarded it around to everyone again, pointing out that sending massive attachments slows the system down considerably. Then our head of department replied (to everyone) to this email, still with attachment, agreeing how unnecessary and thoughtless it was and could everybody stop doing it please.


The HEAD of IT made this error? That is amazingly bad.
Someone said they don't get these emails as they are not an office monkey - my solution has been to leave myself on the office monkey email group even after my IT stint ended and I returned to being a stretcher monkey.

Funniest one I saw lately was totally genuine: photo of large old desk which had been left outside for removal - totally blocking the outside of a fire exit. Message was something like 'as an emergency service we are supposed to have some grasp of health and safety'.


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## Poi E (Nov 15, 2006)

pk said:
			
		

> Twat goes pale and says fuck all, escorted out, never to be seen again.



But he perks up later as his lawyer files an action for unfair dismissal


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## May Kasahara (Nov 16, 2006)

Mr Smin said:
			
		

> The HEAD of IT made this error? That is amazingly bad.



To be fair to him, he was a fucking moron.


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## mrsfran (Nov 16, 2006)

There's one member of my team who is CONSTANTLY sending group emails complaining about every little fucking thing. She sent one this morning to the whole team saying (paraphrased)  "Someone yesterday forgot to check the fax tray and last night, when I was working late because I am so fucking perfect, I found two important reports and I dealt with them myself. Please could everyone try to be as anal and uptight as me at all times."

Jesus I hate her.


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## pk (Nov 16, 2006)

Poi E said:
			
		

> But he perks up later as his lawyer files an action for unfair dismissal



Nope - he took it on the chin - plus it was within his probationary period, so he didn't have a leg to stand on.


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## pk (Nov 16, 2006)

chio said:
			
		

> that isn't actually that funny



Yeah it was - he was a prick, fuck him.


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## beeboo (Nov 16, 2006)

May Kasahara said:
			
		

> To be fair to him, he was a fucking moron.


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## Loki (Nov 16, 2006)

fractionMan said:
			
		

> Where, where is that study?


This isn't the study I read before, but it will do 




> Work by Steve Whittaker and Julia Hirschberg of ATT Labs-Research, however, suggests that clutter may actually be quite an efficient organising principle. In "The Character, Value and Management of Personal Paper Archives", they examine the distinction that MIT's Tom Malone draws between "filers" and "pilers".
> 
> When filers receive paperwork, they put it away. When pilers get it, they leave it on the desk--not randomly, but in concentric circles. There is a "hot" area, of stuff that the worker is dealing with right now. There is a "warm" area, of stuff that needs to be got through in the next few days: it may be there, in part, as a prompt. And there is a "cold" area, at the edges of the desk, of stuff which could just as well be in an archive (or, often, the bin).
> 
> ...



There's more worth reading in the article...

http://www.filing.com.au/Freestuff/pdf/ff_ee_clutter.pdf.


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## jæd (Nov 16, 2006)

Mr Smin said:
			
		

> The HEAD of IT made this error? That is amazingly bad.



Fairly regularly (IME) "Heads" of IT usually don't come from an IT background...  

Once when i was admining an email system we got sent an email with an attachment that was 39 Mb large... Whole email system came to halt and to be un-fucked by me on a Sunday afternoon...  

It was from a CEO who was doing a presentation (was working at a conference company), so it was hard to tell him off...


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## Kenny Vermouth (Nov 16, 2006)

Loki said:
			
		

> That person wouldn't speak for me, I wouldn't give a fuck, glad they're enjoying some decent nosh.
> 
> I bet they're on some sort of diet and can't handle the smell of yummy food.


Nah there's a cunt in my office who keeps eating mackerel or herring from a tin and it fucking stinks the whole place out.


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## prunus (Nov 16, 2006)

Something along the lines of:

"Please could people be sensible in their treatment of the staff toilets.  The entire 3rd floor waste system was blocked for 48 hours last week because someone had flushed a pair of soiled y-fronts down the loo, causing inconvience for everyone and unnecessary expense for the company."

The staff there were indeed animals.  Glad I'm out.


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## bmd (Nov 16, 2006)

Here's todays plea to all the inconsiderate arses working here - 



> I just needed to express my frustration. Today when I came to work there was a sink FULL of dirty cups – yet again -  which I washed and by the way I was working in xxxx yesterday so none of them where mine.
> 
> I bought milk on Tuesday when I was here and today I have bought milk again.  I also buy milk each day I work in xxxx and incidentally I bring bottled water to work each day and only drink on average two coffees per day -  they are proving to be expensive coffees.
> 
> ...


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## fractionMan (Nov 16, 2006)

Loki said:
			
		

> This isn't the study I read before, but it will do
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Cheers,

I've just pointed out the study to my boss.


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## Mellow-world (Nov 17, 2006)

I think a lot of you will identify with this. http://www.lowmorale.co.uk/


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## Loki (Nov 17, 2006)

fractionMan said:
			
		

> Cheers,
> 
> I've just pointed out the study to my boss.


Glad to be of service!

Honestly, the clean desk freaks really get my goat, when they decide to make my desk their business.

So it's nice to be able to tell them they're wrong


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## Xanadu (Nov 17, 2006)

Loki said:
			
		

> Glad to be of service!
> 
> Honestly, the clean desk freaks really get my goat, when they decide to make my desk their business.
> 
> So it's nice to be able to tell them they're wrong


Whenever we had clean desk policies it was for security purposes.


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## Mellow-world (Nov 17, 2006)

Xanadu said:
			
		

> Whenever we had clean desk policies it was for security purposes.



That old excuse eh? lol


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## Xanadu (Nov 17, 2006)

Pretty plausible when you've got people's bank details lying around.


----------



## fucthest8 (Nov 17, 2006)

electrogirl said:
			
		

> I also like the little signs you get everywhere which generally have some kind of clip art on them. Those bloody beany men have a lot to answer for.



There's one inside our fridge (no clipart though), on the shelves inside the door that says:

"Please don't put milk on these shelves. 

It falls off when someone opens the door

Which is really annoying for those people who *didn't* want milk on their food. Which is most of us" 


The best scolding email we got had the subject of "Pointing Percy". Fantastic.


----------



## Yossarian (Nov 17, 2006)

Kenny Vermouth said:
			
		

> Nah there's a cunt in my office who keeps eating mackerel or herring from a tin and it fucking stinks the whole place out.



Yeah - eating fish out of a tin in an office full of other people isn't really acceptable, unless you're a cat.


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 17, 2006)

I can't remember what the sign was but a previous job had some twattish sign on the wall wirtten by the manager. Full of context, grammar and spelling errors like 'dissgresion' instead of discretion. 
I corrected the whole thing in red pen and wrote 'D- must try harder'


----------



## thought (Nov 20, 2006)

Xanadu said:
			
		

> Dear all,
> 
> It was pointed out to me this morning that someone left a half smoked cigar in the fridge, not wrapped leaving ash everywhere.
> 
> ...



Fantastic!


----------



## pianistenvy (Nov 20, 2006)

Donna Ferentes said:
			
		

> I wrote one once after somebody kept drinking my milk...



my mate wrote this on his blog a while ago - seems like an effective way to stop people drinking your milk:

The nearest kitchen to my office here at work is shared by a number of different departments. We all supply our own milk and there is an informal arrangement where anybody uses any milk they find on the assumption they’ll eventually buy milk themselves for others to share. I’m sure what results is a small number of people always buy milk and other people drink it. I try to buy some once in a while, though I use very little.

2 weeks ago I bought a 2 pint carton of milk and put it in the fridge. It was gone in less than 2 days. This didn’t bother me as this is, of course, the point. This week I bought a 4 pint carton but this time clearly wrote “drink me” on the side of it with a marker pen as an experiment. This milk hasn’t been touched since Tuesday and there is no other milk in the fridge now.

I’ve inadvertently stumbled across some kind of advanced milk protection system. I’ve filed a patent.

UPDATE: The milk remains untouched but someone has added the words “go on, please” on the carton.


----------



## chooch (Nov 20, 2006)

my office said:
			
		

> Repeated as some people still seem not to be getting it.
> Please note that paper used on one side only goes in the 'paper for use in the printer' tray USED FACE DOWN, whilst other paper that can be reused for scrap (i.e that's used on one side only but isn't flat enough to go through the printer, or is the wrong shape, or not entirely clean) goes in the GREEN scrap paper tray  USED FACE UP. Any paper that does not belong in either of these trays goes in the paper recycling bin, unless it's card, or very dirty paper, in which case it goes in the bin. Thank you for your cooperation.



Clearly everyone's reply _needed_ to be a reply-to-all to complete the circle of despair.


----------



## scumbalina (Nov 20, 2006)

This thread is  

I'm self employed so don't get any of this fun....I might start asking mates to nag me via email


----------



## Loupylou (Nov 22, 2006)

oryx said:
			
		

> This thread is   .
> 
> In a previous workplace, an email went round from one of the HR people asking us to refrain from using dessert spoons to make tea & coffee, instead of teaspoons. She obviously had loads of really important HR-related things to do .....NOT!
> 
> ...


----------



## Loupylou (Nov 22, 2006)

almost forgot - my former manager once emailed us to tell us to 'ensure you place the chairs under the table' & left a note in the log book telling me off fo leaving a dirty cup in the office.
She also wrote a note in rally big letters that were writtwn in such fury it looked like a mad person had written it (?!!!)  bnging on about picking up an egg shell that was on the floor & how she had to put it in a bin (not left by staff - I worked in the caring sharing CARE sector).
I used to fantasise about wacking her upside the head with the fire extinguisher & I think that's what she was goading me to do......
Thank fuck i got the sack & don't have to go & work with people who seem determined to make you as miserable as they are


----------



## Badgers (Nov 28, 2006)

More of a whinge than a scold but thought it was worth sharing... 



> Hi Gents,
> 
> Thank you to all who replied to my e-mail concerning the gents Christmas party.  Unfortunately it would seem that there has been a lack of interest in the event, with only seven people including myself showing an interest.  With this in mind I have decided to cancel the event as we simply do not have the numbers to make a booking.
> 
> ...



Ha ha ha 

(I blew it out BTW)


----------



## hektik (Nov 28, 2006)

i will put my hands up here and admit that i have been guilty of sending out a similar email.

in my defence, i brought in skimmed milk for myself every day, and hid it right at the back of the fridge. 

despite this, and despite the fact that the company provided 4 pints of semi-skimmed and 2 pints of whole milk every day for the whole floor, which were easily viewable and easier to get than my milk, some nob still decided that they would help themselves.

i still get enraged just thinking about it.


----------



## liampreston (Nov 28, 2006)

=) 

office boy here. Very familiar, very funny. 

On the milk front (a common theme it seems), a sign did appear on the kitchen door along the lines of 





> Milk, like revenge, is best served cold. If you've used the milk, put it back, unless you like warm cheese on your cereal



It was torn down a few days after, heh.


----------



## Jenerys (Nov 28, 2006)

I wish I could get hold of the email sent round at my friend's workplace telling of the office manager's disappointment that someone had shat into a paper towel and put it in the paper towel bin


----------



## Cloo (Nov 28, 2006)

The funniest one we got was admonishing people for not flushing loos and in one case noting that someone had managed to leave some poo on the toilet floor!


----------



## Badgers (Nov 28, 2006)

At a previous company the girls toilets had a regular 'joker' smearing poo on the cubicle walls. 

Several emails went round about this


----------



## LilMissHissyFit (Nov 28, 2006)

Loupylou said:
			
		

> One of the reaons I was sacked recently was for putting gold fish (in a tank) in my office, this was elevated to an 'act of insubordination so seriuos it warrants gross miscondcut'.
> Cannot fucking wait for those words to be ringing round the tribunal court room.



OMG can we come and watch?


----------



## Badgers (Nov 28, 2006)

LilMissHissyFit said:
			
		

> OMG can we come and watch?



Urban meet


----------



## pengaleng (Nov 28, 2006)

> Hi All,
> 
> Could you all please check what items are yours in the fridge and discard anything that is not any good and put your name on anything you want kept, as the fridge is really starting to smell.
> 
> ...


----------



## beeboo (Nov 28, 2006)

I think we need to know what kind of tank Loupylou put these goldfish in...would I be right in thinking it wasn't specifically designed for housing goldfish?! 

I think I've sent an email round about the state of our office fridge before, but as the contents included the remains of a twelve-month out of date pre-packed sandwich and various items of tupperware containing completely unrecognisable items, I thought I wasn't unreasonable.


----------



## bluestreak (Nov 28, 2006)

someone once sent a forwrded email around the college i worked at warning us of some evil gang-related activity that was happening in the local area and not stop at traffic lights if the car behind flashes you or something cos they kill you in the face.

i sent as a reply all the link to the snopes article that quoted the urban myth almost word for word, a link to the london ambulance services' switchboard numbers to show that the person quoted for details was unlikely to work there, and a link to a google search using the quoted names and news organisations that referred only to hoaxes.

guess who got into trouble.

i know this doesn't really work in this thread, but ijust thought of it.


----------



## Radar (Nov 28, 2006)

When I worked for a US bank in the city, one of my mates sent a windup email to the US network group claiming he had a couple of bonsai kittens as pets in the office and that it wasn't really cruel as they'd been raised like that since birth and knew no other existence ! This was when the whole bonsai kitten controversy was big. It wasn't out of the blue, we'd been bantering by email back and forth between the groups for days.

Some tit over there freaked and emailed a disgusted reply to the whole company slagging us off and ranting that whilst such behaviour might be acceptable in the UK, it wasn't in the good old US of A and the company should kick our depraved limey asses  

That was a shit-storm and a half  Mr US tit kept his job, but I understand it was a close call. HR tried to get my mate too, but luckily the UK management were having none of it and said it was an obvious windup between collegues that should have been ignored. Perhaps thats why we all got made redundant 18 months later when the UK office got into difficulties 

There's a lot to be said for disabling any "send to all" alias, but then we wouldn't have fun threads like these


----------



## Radar (Nov 28, 2006)

Badgers said:
			
		

> At a previous company the girls toilets had a regular 'joker' smearing poo on the cubicle walls.
> 
> Several emails went round about this


Ah, that happened at a place I worked in too. Think it was the blokes toilets for the computer operators that got the Long Kesh treatment.

Pretty rank though, thank Christ I didn't work on that floor.


----------



## Gmart (Nov 28, 2006)

*Here's one i got earlier today!!*



> Hello all
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I am uncertain how to respond!! Part of me is quite interested....


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 29, 2006)

At least you can get the pupils to do the tidying up for you


----------



## Loki (Nov 29, 2006)

liampreston said:
			
		

> =)
> 
> office boy here. Very familiar, very funny.
> 
> ...


I like that one though  it's witty, much better than the usual pompous notes with their faux camaraderie.


----------



## Mr_Nice (Nov 29, 2006)

Cloo said:
			
		

> The funniest one we got was admonishing people for not flushing loos and in one case noting that someone had managed to leave some poo on the toilet floor!



Yeah we had a mail come out from facilities management asking people to use the toilets properly and not to stand on them


----------



## apie2004 (Nov 29, 2006)

How do they know that people where standing on them?


----------



## Xanadu (Nov 29, 2006)

Mr_Nice said:
			
		

> Yeah we had a mail come out from facilities management asking people to use the toilets properly and not to stand on them



The exactly same thing happened in our office about a month ago!  People washing their feet in the sink or sumting.


----------



## Utopia (Nov 29, 2006)

Badgers said:
			
		

> More of a whinge than a scold but thought it was worth sharing...
> 
> Quote:
> Hi Gents,
> ...




This made me a little sad 

This threads v.funny


----------



## marty21 (Nov 29, 2006)

some fellah leaving said:
			
		

> Yes the time has finally come for me to find out exactly how many staff in xxxxxxx take their holidays at the end of November (Ladbrokes are offering spreadbets of 68-74).
> 
> 
> 
> ...



we seem to have a rash of people leaving, and deciding to email the entire organisation about it, we have 5 or 6 different offices, spread all over london, i've never met this fellah


mind you, kareoke


----------



## Badgers (Nov 29, 2006)

Utopia said:
			
		

> This made me a little sad



It does not make me sad at all... 

There is a real 'boys versus girls' attitude in this office and as soon as the girls decided they wanted a girly night out this moron jumped on the bandwagon to organise a boys night. 

Everyone has loads on over Christmas and a lot to spend. The idea of going out with a load of work people to Jongleurs in Battersea is not high on my list of priorities!!! I have to spend five days a week here, a never ending amount of invites for leaving/birthday drinks as well as the mandatory Christmas party!!


----------



## liampreston (Nov 30, 2006)

My boss having a moment...



> Nic
> 
> This is petty, but that’s because of the difference in tone between the email to Gav/Ashleigh & that to me.  Just because we process work instructions doesn’t make us everybody’s scapegoat.  Front end doesn’t mean sole of the shoe.
> 
> This must be the point where I suggest your supervisor “has a word” with you; & Gav/Ashleigh’s supervisors with them, since it looks as if Mark’s mistake was simply to forget to tick a box.


----------



## Cakes (Nov 30, 2006)

pianistenvy said:
			
		

> 2 weeks ago I bought a 2 pint carton of milk and put it in the fridge. It was gone in less than 2 days. This didn’t bother me as this is, of course, the point. This week I bought a 4 pint carton but this time clearly wrote “drink me” on the side of it with a marker pen as an experiment. This milk hasn’t been touched since Tuesday and there is no other milk in the fridge now.
> 
> I’ve inadvertently stumbled across some kind of advanced milk protection system. I’ve filed a patent.
> 
> UPDATE: The milk remains untouched but someone has added the words “go on, please” on the carton.


----------



## Idris2002 (Nov 30, 2006)

Radar said:
			
		

> Ah, that happened at a place I worked in too. Think it was the blokes toilets for the computer operators that got the Long Kesh treatment.
> 
> Pretty rank though, thank Christ I didn't work on that floor.



The computer operators were demanding political status?


----------



## Radar (Nov 30, 2006)

Idris2002 said:
			
		

> The computer operators were demanding political status?


Yep !! fussy buggers !


----------



## Idris2002 (Dec 1, 2006)

'I'll wear no convict's uniform,

Nor meekly serve my time,

That HR might,

Make IT's fight

800 years of crime'.


----------



## Badgers (Dec 1, 2006)

One of the SMEG fridges bites the dust  



> Guys
> 
> I have sold the fridge in the kitchen and one of the smeg fridges and they are both going this weekend.  This will mean that until we get a new one for the kitchen fridge space will be tight.
> 
> ...


----------



## bluestreak (Dec 1, 2006)

times are getting hard at the office badgers?


----------



## beeboo (Dec 1, 2006)

Badgers said:
			
		

> One of the SMEG fridges bites the dust



And a little piece of the dotcom dream dies with it


----------



## Badgers (Dec 1, 2006)

bluestreak said:
			
		

> times are getting hard at the office badgers?



Seems that way..... 

So far this week we have lost 4 staff and 2 fridges


----------



## Pieface (Dec 1, 2006)

what do you miss more?


----------



## Loki (Dec 1, 2006)

Cakes said:
			
		

> pianistenvy said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Reverse psychology... very clever


----------



## Badgers (Dec 1, 2006)

PieEye said:
			
		

> what do you miss more?



Dunno, I am pretty good mates with one of the people leaving and the fridges have both given me good service.


----------



## Cloo (Dec 4, 2006)

Not a work one, but a girl I know vaguely made the mistake on sending out some clearly bollocks urban myth type email... I was going to reply carefully to everyone, and not embarrass her too much. But someone beat me to it, and was rather more, uhm, forthright. Can't be arsed to reproduce the bold and red fonts here...



> Firstly  (A PERSONAL NOTE)
> .... I HATE CHAIN MAIL ..... usually i give one warning and the person is BLOCKED permanently
> this is the first an only warning !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ...


----------



## laptop (Dec 4, 2006)

* Makes note to dig around in MS Outlook folder labelled "managementgonads" when next in the office *


----------



## Prefade (Dec 4, 2006)

pianistenvy said:
			
		

> UPDATE: The milk remains untouched but someone has added the words “go on, please” on the carton.



This does call to mind the friend of a friend tale of someone who wanted to make sure their milk in a communal fridge was not raided.

They stuck a note on the carton saying "I HAVE GOBBED IN THIS MILK", presuming this would deter all but the very bold.

A day later the words "SO HAVE I" had been neatly appended to the bottom.


----------



## bluestreak (Dec 4, 2006)

which reminds me of the most efficient note we discovered at uni for protecting food from theft.  bizarrely it was "the spirit of my dead grandmother is watching this marge"


----------



## chio (Dec 4, 2006)

Quick radio station loo sign update:

"WE AIM TO PLEASE... WILL YOU AIM TOO PLEASE"
"Yeah, if someone fixes that light up there ^"
"Why don't people sit down and piss?"
"What, like the Germans?"
"That's not all the Germans get up to..."
"*angry face* Boys will be boys..."

  there's not much work to be done at present...


----------



## Badgers (Dec 7, 2006)

SMEG update....... 



> Hey everyone,
> 
> The fridge is being moved to a new home today so will be out of action for a while!
> 
> ...


----------



## marty21 (Dec 7, 2006)

partyguy said:
			
		

> JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I WILL BE THERE
> 
> 
> THANKS
> ...



people sometimes hit the reply to all button by mistake, hence we all know that this guy is going to the office xmas party do, and we're all really looking forward to meeting him...


----------



## laptop (Dec 7, 2006)

Not a scold, but:



> After a very successful time in the US, Dave is returning to London. He has led our US sales and marketing operation extremely well and has delivered record revenues in recruitment advertising. I'm delighted that he will transfer his determination and management skills to our London-based business where he will be responsible for advertising sales and our web technical team.
> 
> * five pars of managementgonads deleted *



This in an office full of sub-editors. Who would reduce it to "alert: New Lad in a Suit. ENDS".


----------



## laptop (Dec 7, 2006)

Oooh, this just in:



> Dear All,
> 
> Please do not under any circumstance cover your PC or your Monitor with Tinsle type products.
> 
> ...


----------



## bikergrrl (Dec 7, 2006)

Loki said:
			
		

> Glad to be of service!
> 
> Honestly, the clean desk freaks really get my goat, when they decide to make my desk their business.
> 
> So it's nice to be able to tell them they're wrong



If you leave papers all over your desk (at my workplace) the people who work at night don't use it as a goddam hot-desk. Bonus!


----------



## hendo (Dec 7, 2006)

Here's my favourite today:



> Dear all,
> 
> You can now collect your newspapers from Main Reception they should be available from 0500 in the morning.


----------



## laptop (Dec 8, 2006)

> URGENT NOTICE RE COMPLETION OF 2006 XXX [managementbollox performance assessment] FORMS
> 
> The current XXX system does not support employee and manager entering in data on the same form at the same time.
> 
> ...





But sabotage possibilities


----------



## jæd (Dec 8, 2006)

laptop said:
			
		

> But sabotage possibilities



That quote shows a woeful misunderstanding of the difference between concurrency and "the same form at the same time"...

Do you do a lot of XXX-ing...?  We don't...


----------



## marty21 (Dec 8, 2006)

laptop said:
			
		

> Not a scold, but:
> 
> 
> 
> This in an office full of sub-editors. Who would reduce it to "alert: New Lad in a Suit. ENDS".



or "dave fucked up in the states, now we have to deal with him"


----------



## laptop (Dec 8, 2006)

jæd said:
			
		

> That quote shows a woeful misunderstanding of the difference between concurrency and "the same form at the same time"...



"I'm a 'people person' me" Human Resources type *+* logically consistent system *=>* meltdown...




			
				jæd said:
			
		

> Do you do a lot of XXX-ing...?  We don't...



Oh, *they* do a lot of performance review bonus gossip blackmail-fodder stuff. And sabotage of same. 

I'm not an employee. I sit on the sidelines smiling sardonically, and occasionally stirring the office-politics pot


----------



## liampreston (Dec 12, 2006)

> From Head of External Communications
> 
> [blather]
> 
> ...




Heh, so, cool.


----------



## beeboo (Dec 12, 2006)

liampreston said:
			
		

> Heh, so, cool.



For the head of communications I find her grammar and sentence construction pretty embarassing as well


----------



## liampreston (Dec 12, 2006)

Heh, indeed. The first sentence meanders somewhat. Not sure what she does in between sending emails like this but we've had a few like this. The company has changed its name quite a few times recently so she sends quite bleedingly obvious missives out about not using old letter heads and the like.


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 12, 2006)

She is justifying her continuing presence in the workforce.

if she needs work to do, I can find her some


----------



## marty21 (Dec 12, 2006)

somegullibleofficenob said:
			
		

> Just had this passed to me - be careful
> 
> 
> 
> ...



this one was sent to all of us this morning - we is in your office forwarding annoying emailz


----------



## liampreston (Dec 12, 2006)

Wow, Brian Molloy of Strathclyde Police only exists on spam mails! Certainly not a known member of that right honourable police constabulary


----------



## Radar (Dec 12, 2006)

marty21 said:
			
		

> this one was sent to all of us this morning - we is in your office forwarding annoying emailz


Smells like a fake, a little bit too american for a supposedly UK warning and has the classic appeal to redistribute it.

Not on Snopes though, perhaps you have a new one 

e2a: Not on snopes, but plastered all over the net

Time to educate the fucking idiot who propogated it within the office !


----------



## Kanda (Dec 12, 2006)

I sent this out the other day:




> To: ***Everyone; *** Everyone
> Subject: Emails
> 
> 
> ...



1st thing everyone jumps on is slow emails, then they clog it up, fucking idiots.


----------



## marty21 (Dec 12, 2006)

liampreston said:
			
		

> Wow, Brian Molloy of Strathclyde Police only exists on spam mails! Certainly not a known member of that right honourable police constabulary



ironically, the guy who sent it out, is a health and safety officer

i think his health and safety might be in danger if he sends out another of  these


----------



## liampreston (Dec 12, 2006)

No member of the police force would send out a warning with quite so many exclamation marks. Unless this is the new way of communication to the youth of today. "We've caught 2 kidz 2day!!! Lanks Poliz FTW!!!!one!!!"  =)


----------



## maes (Dec 12, 2006)

I love this thread


----------



## marty21 (Dec 12, 2006)

i've just emailed him with the link  he's some sort of director


----------



## Radar (Dec 12, 2006)

Kanda said:
			
		

> 1st thing everyone jumps on is slow emails, then they clog it up, fucking idiots.



Hi Ho Hi Ho, It's off to lart we go


----------



## Onket (Dec 12, 2006)

liampreston said:
			
		

> Heh, indeed. The first sentence meanders somewhat. Not sure what she does in between sending emails like this but we've had a few like this. The company has changed its name quite a few times recently so she sends quite bleedingly obvious missives out about not using old letter heads and the like.



She is the 'Head of External Communications', what is she supposed to do!!


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 12, 2006)

Attend meetings? Strategise? Think outside the box?


----------



## jæd (Dec 12, 2006)

Radar said:
			
		

> Not on Snopes though, perhaps you have a new one



http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/carjack.asp


----------



## marty21 (Dec 12, 2006)

jæd said:
			
		

> http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/carjack.asp



surprisingly, he hasn't replied to me yet, he's quite happy emailing shite to about 1000 people, but when one small cog tells him he's in the wrong


----------



## liampreston (Dec 12, 2006)

equationgirl said:
			
		

> Attend meetings? Strategise? Think outside the box?



Hehe. I know she is /supposed/ to do things like send out letter head instructions and all the rest, but they are always phrased as though the concept of doing such a thing is one only she understands.


----------



## Onket (Dec 12, 2006)

I find it bizarre that there is someone employed solely to send out letterhead instructions, whatever they are!!!


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 12, 2006)

I'm not. we had one at my last place of work. Director of Corporate Communications.

When they ran out of things to do, they'd do a 'rebranding' to keep them in jobs.

In fact, they just redid the website. Turned something that was perfectly usable and easy to navigate into a big muddle so now you can't find anything, plus it now has a really annoying graphics banner across the middle. The perons in charge of it sent an email round the ENTIRE university saying 'look, isn't it brilliant? Send me your feedback', so when my mate sent her an email saying 'I don't like like it, it's not as good as the old one' he got a bollocking from middle management for not saying how fabulous it was.

Not that he took the bollocking seriously mind, being in his last week there.

Oops. Slight derail there. Sorry.


----------



## Onket (Dec 12, 2006)

Yeah, if you don't support the change, no matter how shit it is, then you are accused of fearing change, not moving forward etc.  

They had an internal rebranding at the last place I worked. I worked for the world's local bank (but not actually in banking), so part of the internal rebranding was this cunt flying round the world for about a month doing his presentation talking about the need to find a clear headspace or some such bollocks to people all over the place, in English!

I kept the leaflet thingy I got cos it was so fucking funny.

This was an internal rebranding remember- no customer ever got to see anything to do with it!!


----------



## marty21 (Dec 12, 2006)

we've just been rebranded following a merger

there's loads of new rebranded stuff flying about, it's all "we *can*" "you *can*" nonsense

meanwhile at the coal face, the IT team haven't sorted out our phones, so we *can't* hear punters when they ring up


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 12, 2006)

Rebranding, don't you just love it? 

The new place I work at is supposed to be getting a rebranding. Except no-one can decide what the rebranding will look like, so the project has stalled.

Unsurprisingly.


----------



## liampreston (Dec 12, 2006)

It seems round here that "rebranding" just means making whatever form of Arial font they currently use that little bit thinner


----------



## marty21 (Dec 12, 2006)

*success!!!*

he's just e-mailed me back, and promised to check the hoax sites  in the future


----------



## Radar (Dec 12, 2006)

jæd said:
			
		

> http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/carjack.asp


Arse, that must be the US version  

Honest, I searched for his name and the supposed police phone no. I also searched all the auto stories, it looks like they've filed it under crime rather than automobiles.


----------



## Radar (Dec 12, 2006)

And a double to boot, How useless am I


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 12, 2006)

marty21 said:
			
		

> he's just e-mailed me back, and promised to check the hoax sites  in the future



Result!


----------



## Mogden (Dec 13, 2006)

I either have a reputation for a party pooper or a sensible Internet guru type. As my boss said:

"In the absence of Mogden, (our very own detective) have found this….
http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/pinalert.asp
Looks like it’s a false alarm I’m afraid."

In reply to this mail sent:

Have never tried it but worth a punt if necessary….

PIN NUMBER REVERSAL (GOOD TO KNOW) 

If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM 
machine, you can notify the police by entering your Pin # in reverse. 


For example if your pin number is 1234 then you would put in 4321. The
ATM recognizes that your pin number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the 
machine. 

The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to 
the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to help you. 

This information was recently broadcasted on TV and it states that it
is seldom used because people don't know it exists."

I'm not sure whether that makes me ,   or just plain


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 13, 2006)

Why does he keep sending them on though? Why doesn't he just bin these spam emails?

Has anyone ever got any factually correct information from spam?


----------



## chio (Dec 13, 2006)

Mogden said:
			
		

> I either have a reputation for a party pooper or a sensible Internet guru type. As my boss said:
> 
> "In the absence of Mogden, (our very own detective) have found this….
> http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/pinalert.asp
> ...



My old pin number was the same backwards and forwards


----------



## beeboo (Dec 13, 2006)

why, why, why do people believe emails like this?!

It makes me despair!


----------



## Crispy (Dec 13, 2006)

I might change my PIN to four identical digits. Nobody will ever guess it


----------



## Wintermute (Dec 13, 2006)

Todays logic failure:



> I realise the motive could be anything on the scale from being thoughtful to covering you arse, but please consider before Ccing colleagues/friends/aunties that they may not want to waste time reading e-reams of mundane e-mail waffle which doesn't really concern/interest them.
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> Ian



CC'd, of course, to the entire group.


----------



## sam/phallocrat (Dec 18, 2006)

*heh heh heh*

I reveived this email about an hour ago, sent to everbody on the whole network (3000 odd users):



> Fwd: FW: Don't know whether this is real, but its worrying and maybe you shold be aware
> 
> Be careful. I was
> approached yesterday afternoon around 3:30 pm in the>Tesco car park when
> ...



which is obviously bollocks, so I sent the following reply, again to everybody on email:



> 100% hoax.  Does common sense go out of the window because we're near Christmas or something?



I then recieved the following reply from the head of IT:



> Can you right mouse click on this sent email and delete it from everyone's account.
> Then resend it to me and I will distribute after checking whether it is a hoax or not.
> 
> Thanks
> ...



and the following two emails from fellow workers (neither of whom I've met):



> It maybe a hoax but feel your sarcastic comments which were totally uncalled for should have been directed to the sender and not to everybody on e mail.





> I feel I have to reply to you having just read your email.
> 
> I am sure people who send these messages to " every one on email" do it with the best of intentions. although this may be a hoax, if it raises peoples awareness of the scams that do go on there is no harm in this, but better to send via adverts group.
> 
> ...



to which I replied



> *****
> 
> Thanks for your email.  I appreciate your comments, but said hoaxes are particular a bugbear of mine and to be frank, people should engage their brains (if they've got one) before forwarding them on to everybody.  I have yet to read an email 'scam warning' that is genuine, because, strangely enough, every single one is a hoax.
> 
> ...



It's fun being a cunt sometimes . . .


----------



## Onket (Dec 18, 2006)

Good lad!


----------



## Structaural (Dec 18, 2006)

Loki said:
			
		

> Wrong, wrong and wrong! In fact, I read about a study that found that people with "untidy" cluttered desks are mostly more productive and creative than their clean desk counterparts.
> 
> In yer face!



If you could find that study, I'd be laughing. My account manager tidies my desk before she'll put a piece of paper down on it. Weirdo. 

Empty desk - empty mind.


----------



## beeboo (Dec 18, 2006)

> Re: Fwd: FWD: NEW SCAM…PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!
> 
> This happened to a friend of mine---this is real!!! please PASS THIS ON!!!
> 
> ...


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Dec 18, 2006)

Not a scolding email, but we just got this:


> I have put some items in the kitchen, which have come my way but aren't of much use to me.
> 
> They're from the Body Shop, and consist of
> 
> ...


----------



## sam/phallocrat (Dec 18, 2006)

*update*

I sent this to the 'adverts and non business list', not the 'everyone on email' one, to cover my arse, and cos I thought it was really funny 



> Re: Fwd: FWD: NEW SCAM…PLEASE READ!!!!!!!!!
> 
> This happened to a friend of mine---this is real!!! please PASS THIS ON!!!
> 
> ...



I got this, again sent to the whole list, in reply:



> Think this is all getting a bit silly - if people are going to the time and trouble to post these messages, they obviously think there is some truth in them and to poke fun in this way is, perhaps, daft in itself!  And anything that makes people think about their personal safety and security cannot be a complete waste of time!  Most myths have some degree of truth in them.  So maybe it's best to just delete them if you're not interested!
> 
> ***



and, rather reassuringly  



> I thought it was funny....



I think half this place hates me now.  Oh well . . .


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 18, 2006)

I think some people in your office need to a) grow a brain and b) find a sense of humour, sam


----------



## genee_rave (Dec 18, 2006)

This thread is hilarious, it makes me grateful to work in a small office full of sound people, but also a little left out!

My dad is a university lecturer and one of his colleagues once sent round a group email trying to name and shame my dad for not contributing to the tea and coffee fund. My dad replied all with something along the lines of "You'd think that a university department would have more sense not to buy nestle so I bring my own fair trade coffee in". Bless him


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 18, 2006)

Big up for your dad  

I did have a university email about a padlock for the maths department bike shed, but I deleted it just as this thread was starting, unfortunately.


----------



## beeboo (Dec 18, 2006)

sam/phallocrat said:
			
		

> I sent this to the 'adverts and non business list', not the 'everyone on email' one, to cover my arse, and cos I thought it was really funny
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm so glad the five minutes I spent writing that this morning did not go to waste


----------



## Poi E (Dec 18, 2006)

Brilliant


----------



## sam/phallocrat (Dec 19, 2006)

equationgirl said:
			
		

> I think some people in your office need to a) grow a brain and b) find a sense of humour, sam



1.  NHS

2. Yorkshire

'nuff said . . .


----------



## pembrokestephen (Dec 20, 2006)

pianistenvy said:
			
		

> I’ve inadvertently stumbled across some kind of advanced milk protection system. I’ve filed a patent.
> 
> UPDATE: The milk remains untouched but someone has added the words “go on, please” on the carton.


I used to use a less subtle approach. This was back in the early '90s, and I got fed up with "my" mug always being used by other people, so I eventually started using a battered old tin mug, which seemed sufficiently offputting to others that it was usually in the cupboard when I needed it.

BUt when that started disappearing, too, the solution was easy. I wrote "Property of AIDS Department, Queen Mary Hospital, Paddington" on the bottom. It was always there when I needed it after that... 

We didn't do office emails - email wasn't something anyone had really thought about back then, let alone learned to misuse.


----------



## pembrokestephen (Dec 20, 2006)

Loki said:
			
		

> I like that one though  it's witty, much better than the usual pompous notes with their faux camaraderie.


Reading quite a few of these, many of the complaints seem quite reasonable. But what really makes them laughable is, as you've pointed out, the way in which they are made. It's obviously someone who's a little uncertain about being assertive, so has gone the "let's just jolly it up a bit" route, while clearly managing to convey an undertone of whining resentment at the fact that they've been put in the position of having to grumble.

But then, having met a fair few HR types, that's all very predictable.


----------



## pembrokestephen (Dec 20, 2006)

Prefade said:
			
		

> This does call to mind the friend of a friend tale of someone who wanted to make sure their milk in a communal fridge was not raided.
> 
> They stuck a note on the carton saying "I HAVE GOBBED IN THIS MILK", presuming this would deter all but the very bold.
> 
> A day later the words "SO HAVE I" had been neatly appended to the bottom.


Not an office email, but that story reminds me of something I saw in my mum's pub once. Miserable bastard goes to go to gents, but before he leaves, he gobs in his (fresh) pint and says "That pint's mine". His associate, standing next to him, leans over, gobs in it too, and says "You're welcome". It was very amusing


----------



## oryx (Dec 21, 2006)

I received the ultimate response to those stupid 'GIRLS! BE CAREFUL OF THIS SCAM OVER XMAS' type stupid chain emails. (Not that I sent one, I hasten to add!):

_Dear Family and Friends 

With Christmas almost upon us, I'd like to extend my heartfelt appreciation to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel, safe, secure, blessed and healthy. 

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat cr@p in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.  Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic. 

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with an infected needle.  I no longer go to the cinema for the same reason.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. 

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.  In fact I rarely go out!

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. 

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the Internet who is about to die in the hospital.

I no longer have any money at all, in fact - but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.

I have just sent off my bank details and will soon inherit 5 million pounds from a dead uncle I knew nothing about, who lived in Nigeria.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!  If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diahorrea will land on your head at 4:00PM tomorrow afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Merry Christmas!  xx_


----------



## trashpony (Jan 10, 2007)

We have just had an email saying that the abandoned car in the forecourt which has been investigated by police with sniffer dogs to ensure there is no security threat actually belongs to a client


----------



## Kanda (Jan 10, 2007)

This wasn't an email, it was a discussion with my MD.

He has a broken HP laserprinter at home, I have just ordered a new one to be delivered.

MD: What shall I do with the old laser printer
Me: Put it outside and phone the council to take it, throw it in the bin whatever
MD: Blah blah, carbon footprint!! Won't HP Recylce it?
Me: Dude, you have your own plane, your wife drives a Range Rover, you drive a 5 series, just put it in the bin ...


----------



## Cloo (Jan 18, 2007)

> --- has declared an amnesty for the return of her calculator and letter opener. They can be returned to the post room. If they’re there by the end of the day, everyone will be happy.


 MD's assistant... can be a real dragon!


----------



## diwc (Jan 19, 2007)

These notes are great.

I had to speak to one AA who e-mailed around a snarky note along the lines of:

_To whomever is spitting in the sink in the kitchen, please stop.  The kitchen sink is used to clean food or wash hands during food preparation, and should not be used to spit in.  In some cultures spitting may be acceptable, but in ours it is considered filthy.  Please use the bathroom to spit if you need to._


----------



## sufilala (Jan 22, 2007)

contents of "MP3 files.txt" file found on my desktop!!!!


> Xxxxxx
> 
> Non work replated MP3 files (or other types) cannot be kept on the server under any cirmcumstances and have therefore been removed.
> 
> ...


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Jan 22, 2007)

sufilala said:
			
		

> contents of "MP3 files.txt" file found on my desktop!!!!



haha, I used to leave those type of messages.

One time, I left one in "my mp3s folder" on a users C: drive and then a week later our audit found more mp3s on the same pc. Except this time the user had changed the folder name to "leave my fucking stuff alone"    

I just deleted the files and left a txt file that said "no"


----------



## May Kasahara (May 24, 2007)

Not a scolder exactly, but bloody hell...

With my return to work looming after a month of compassionate leave, I have finally taken the plunge into my overflowing inbox. This is the kind of thing that makes me wish I could be signed off forever:

(it's from an email invitation to a seminar, btw)



> Network diagrams are identified as a useful tool for charting relationships between learning organisations and individuals. The second workshop that B____ will present, during the afternoon, suggests ways of using the network relationships in these diagrams as a proxy for social capital in a range of formal and informal settings in which [our subject] occurs in Australia. Network diagrams are seen to have particular utility in situations where communities and organisations become too small for surveys, where relationships become complex and ambiguous as well as in rural and remote communities where distance and spatial relationships affect access to learning.



*weeps*


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (May 24, 2007)

Not an email but my boss and colleague are away on travel. Both fairly powerful in the (big) organisation. 
Anyway , the lady that looks after the plants comes in and starts moaning that someone has been pouring coffee dregs in the plant pot. So she asks for my post it pad, and writes two identical post it notes. Saying 
"Pouring coffee on the plants kills them. Stop it or I will come and kill you" and puts it on their desks.


----------



## Voley (May 24, 2007)

Boris Sprinkler said:
			
		

> "Pouring coffee on the plants kills them. Stop it or I will come and kill you" and puts it on their desks.



Harsh but fair.


----------



## laptop (May 25, 2007)

Not exactly scolding...



> *Subject: *Lumbar supports on chairs
> 
> We have arranged for someone from Knoll Life chairs to come to both SITE and OTHER_SITE on Friday 25  May to give instruction on the use of the new lumbar supports on the chairs.  If any staff have any queries about the chairs Friday will be the time to ask!



...but insulting in an office crammed with PhDs!


----------



## Mr Smin (May 25, 2007)

Well, only if they are PhD's in something related to lumbar support.
I'm not taking the piss, laptop, a person can be highly educated but still not know how to get the best from lumbar support.

on an unrelated matter, sufilala's title translates as Brikistani on google - superb.


----------



## Big Jim (May 25, 2007)

> xxx, xxxx
> 
> It started by taking my desk, at the same time you decided not to renew my contract. I was given an alternative desk in C5 for "a few weeks, after which you'll get your old desk back". But I didn't get the old desk back. Instead I was simply left deskless … and ignored. Nobody bothered to take responsibility for providing me with a space in which to get on with my work. It was left to me and xxxxx (who is apparently not responsible for finding me a desk) to scout around for a place.
> 
> ...


.


----------



## Xanadu (May 25, 2007)

May Kasahara said:
			
		

> Not a scolder exactly, but bloody hell...
> 
> With my return to work looming after a month of compassionate leave, I have finally taken the plunge into my overflowing inbox. This is the kind of thing that makes me wish I could be signed off forever:
> 
> ...



Some people at work just delete all of their emails when they get back.  If they're that important, they'll get resent.


----------



## Badgers (Jun 11, 2007)

First one for a while from me and the fridge raises its ugly head again  



> I don't know if anyone has noticed, but the fridge is giving off a delightful hum at the moment.
> 
> I'm going to attempt to tackle the problem tomorrow so want to warn you that anything which is giving off an odour I will bin, so if you don't want it binned please can you remove it today!
> 
> Thank you!


----------



## bouncer_the_dog (Jun 11, 2007)

I have a near infinte supply of this kind of stuff dating back over a decade...



> Safe Driving and Cycling on the  site
> 
> Following several incidents and near misses, all staff, users, visitors and contractors at *where I work* are requested to observe the following in order to ensure the safety of all concerned:
> 
> ...



Suffice to say I have deliberatley started to speed down our one way system and nearly crashed last week... :0


----------



## beeboo (Jun 11, 2007)

May Kasahara said:
			
		

> May Kasahara -
> 
> Not a scolder exactly, but bloody hell...
> 
> ...



I don't know what that says about me, but reading through the jargon and jibberish that actually sounds really interesting   

*weeps*


----------



## laptop (Jul 13, 2007)

Only an implied scold - you're all spending too much on paperclips - but a gem:



> In order to ensure the Moloch Corporation stays ahead of the competition, efficiency improvements are absolutely crucial. As part of that we need to take greater advantage of our scale and synergies and so have decided to create a centrally-led procurement group with strong dotted lines to the divisional procurement organisations.



This after a freeze on appointments of non-suits...


----------



## jonead (Jul 13, 2007)

chio said:
			
		

> There aren't really emails flashing round here as it's a tiny company, but there are signs including "WE AIM TO PLEASE... WILL YOU AIM TOO PLEASE"



n*m***o, stockport? omg i can't believe another company had this too.


----------



## bi0boy (Jul 13, 2007)

got this today:

Doors marked 'fire door, keep shut' are fire doors, and should be kept shut. Similarly exits marked 'fire exit, keep clear' should be kept clear because they are fire exits. If anyone is unsure please read this again.


----------



## chio (Jul 13, 2007)

jonead said:
			
		

> n*m***o, stockport? omg i can't believe another company had this too.



No, it's a radio station


----------



## lemontop (Jul 14, 2007)

Got this killjoy email before the end of term staff party



> As you are aware, the staff party is taking place on the 12th of July 2007. We need to remind you about some of the key health and safety measures that have to be put in place:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## oryx (Jul 14, 2007)

lemontop said:
			
		

> Got this killjoy email before the end of term staff party



   

Bet you were all wishing the office Oliver Reed would turn up and REALLY start the party.


----------



## Badgers (Jul 25, 2007)

Not had one for a while now but this just landed: 



> Half Day
> 
> When taking a half day holiday, please note that the working hours are:
> 
> ...



It was written in HUGE *bold* font for maximum effect


----------



## Badgers (Aug 9, 2007)

Blimey.... 

Since my company has been taken over it seems the venture capitalists have laid the law down in a big way!!!!! 



> Dear All,
> 
> We are taking this weekend’s office move as the opportunity to bring in a couple of new office ‘rules’ and reactivate several protocols that have slipped in recent months. I hope you will all agree they will make for a tidier and improved office environment.
> 
> ...



Not much of this affects me but it is irritating


----------



## marty21 (Aug 9, 2007)

we had a picture of a sink full of dirty cups and plates sent around, that was all, no message

i thought it was a request to put all cups and plates in the sink

i mean if you don't give me exact instructions, I'm gonna fuck up


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 9, 2007)

Badgers said:
			
		

> Not much of this affects me but it is irritating




Looks very ordinary to me. Which bits affect you?


----------



## lenny101 (Aug 9, 2007)

Badgers said:
			
		

> Blimey....
> 
> Since my company has been taken over it seems the venture capitalists have laid the law down in a big way!!!!!




Fuck me, sounds well harsh. Two cig breaks a day and no personal mobile calls! Treating you like kids.


----------



## ChrisFilter (Aug 9, 2007)

5t3IIa said:
			
		

> Looks very ordinary to me. Which bits affect you?



Looks incredibly patronising, very old school, and very oppressive to me. If my company started trying to impose rules like that, I'd leave.


----------



## Onket (Aug 9, 2007)

The change to the dress code would piss me off for a start.


----------



## jæd (Aug 9, 2007)

Onket said:
			
		

> The change to the dress code would piss me off for a start.



I'm currently wearing three "prohibited" items according to that list...!


----------



## Onket (Aug 9, 2007)

You work with Badgers?


----------



## KeyboardJockey (Aug 9, 2007)

ChrisFilter said:
			
		

> Looks incredibly patronising, very old school, and very oppressive to me. If my company started trying to impose rules like that, I'd leave.



Not half as bad as our public enquiry unit.  No natural light allegedy and you have to put your hands up for a timed toilet break.


----------



## Pieface (Aug 9, 2007)

I haven't even got shoes on 

I can't believe some of the shit on this thread - it makes me value my job a bit more


----------



## jæd (Aug 9, 2007)

Onket said:
			
		

> You work with Badgers?



No... I work deep in the bowels of the UK office of huge corporation...




			
				Megacorp said:
			
		

> Proper attire should be based on the needs of the business, the type of work performed and dictated by good judgment. When in doubt, contact your supervisor for direction. Although business casual is the norm for most positions, there may be positions that require other standards (e.g. production locations). Clothing should not create safety hazards for the wearer. Unacceptable business casual attire includes, but is not limited to:
> • Jeans
> • Stirrups, tights, or form-fitting pants (e.g. spandex)
> • Flip-flop sandals
> ...



I'm currently violating (a), (d) and (e) of this policy... Luckly this office doesn;t give two shits about silly policies made up be state-side bean-counters...


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Aug 9, 2007)

what the fuck does it mean by stirrups??

HOrsist!!


----------



## Crispy (Aug 9, 2007)

I'm barefoot, in shorts, wearing my "Alright my luvver" tshirt, with snacks, drinks and music all over my desk along with all the other mess. I'm regularly more than 20 minutes late in the morning and take extended lunch breaks. Yet the boss still calls me 'very valuable to this company' So these rules etc. make me feel very smug as well


----------



## beeboo (Aug 9, 2007)

Sandwiches are becoming an _issue_....



> All,
> 
> Another sandwich related moan I'm afraid.
> 
> ...


----------



## Pieface (Aug 9, 2007)

80s leggings horror Boris:







I had some in light pink  and the stirrups prevented them from riding up above my pixie boots.


----------



## Onket (Aug 9, 2007)

jæd said:
			
		

> No... I work deep in the bowels of the UK office of huge corporation...
> 
> I'm currently violating (a), (d) and (e) of this policy... Luckly this office doesn;t give two shits about silly policies made up be state-side bean-counters...



Often compare what your wearing with dress codes completely irrelevant to you?

I suspect I would be sent home today if I went to work in a foundry, due to my lack of safety goggles & steel toe capped boots for a start. Interesting stuff.


----------



## jæd (Aug 9, 2007)

Onket said:
			
		

> Often compare what your wearing with dress codes completely irrelevant to you?
> 
> I suspect I would be sent home today if I went to work in a foundry, due to my lack of safety goggles & steel toe capped boots for a start. Interesting stuff.



Someone get out of bed on the wrong side...?  (Anyhow, since I also work in an office that dress-code of Badgers isn't completely unrelated...)


----------



## May Kasahara (Aug 9, 2007)

PieEye said:
			
		

> 80s leggings horror Boris:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Not you too  I had some in a bizarre blue/black pattern, which combined so well with my prized grey suede pixie boots. They were vile and made me look like a total freak, yet I insisted on wearing them till the knees frayed out.

Um, anyway. Office scolding emails. Yes.


----------



## Pieface (Aug 9, 2007)

it was the way they gave you *no knees* that was disturbing....


----------



## Onket (Aug 9, 2007)

jæd said:
			
		

> Someone get out of bed on the wrong side...?  (Anyhow, since I also work in an office that dress-code isn't completely unrelated...)



Only every day these days, sorry. (and I exaggerated)


----------



## marty21 (Aug 9, 2007)

we work in a shit hole


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 9, 2007)

ChrisFilter said:
			
		

> Looks incredibly patronising, very old school, and very oppressive to me. If my company started trying to impose rules like that, I'd leave.




Oh yeah, didn't realise. I keep working in corporate places


----------



## Yetman (Aug 9, 2007)

Just had an email telling people to stop keeping beers in the fridge. 

Well they can fuck off if they think I’m paying city centre beer prices when I go for my lunchtime 4 pints. I’ll simply spend the whole of the previous night drinking cans of coke, refilling the empty cans with beer then supergluing the ring pull back on. Ah ha. One nil to the wee man


----------



## marty21 (Aug 9, 2007)

i would like to point out that none of that stuff in the sink was mine, i prefer to leave my coffee cups on my desk and let them fester


----------



## May Kasahara (Aug 9, 2007)

PieEye said:
			
		

> it was the way they gave you *no knees* that was disturbing....



Oh god, you're so right 

Hey, maybe when you come up and stay for that Leicester PROD which IS SO GOING TO HAPPEN, we could....um, maybe not eh


----------



## Pieface (Aug 9, 2007)

We SO COULD!!!


----------



## ChrisFilter (Aug 9, 2007)

I like that spandex is on the office attire policy... when has spandex ever been an issue?


----------



## Pieface (Aug 9, 2007)

Spandex is frequently an "issue"


----------



## May Kasahara (Aug 9, 2007)




----------



## Yetman (Aug 9, 2007)

marty21 said:
			
		

> i would like to point out that none of that stuff in the sink was mine, i prefer to leave my coffee cups on my desk and let them fester



*puts Marty back on tea party list*


----------



## Badgers (Aug 10, 2007)

5t3IIa said:
			
		

> Looks very ordinary to me. Which bits affect you?



All of them apart from the bicycle and sport kit stuff I guess but not really an issue, more annoyance  

If I am only allowed 1 cigarette break then I will stop arriving at work half an hour early etc. etc. 

Whinge whinge


----------



## marty21 (Aug 10, 2007)

when i was at another part of my current organisation, the manager there was very tough on smell and tough on the causes of smell, staff were not allowed to eat anything at their desk, because of the SMELL


----------



## oryx (Aug 10, 2007)

marty21 said:
			
		

> when i was at another part of my current organisation, the manager there was very tough on smell and tough on the causes of smell, staff were not allowed to eat anything at their desk, because of the SMELL



The only problem I have with 'smelly' food is that I feel tempted to go out & get curry/something hot & tasty & fattening - instead of a miserable tuna sandwich.


----------



## Badgers (Aug 21, 2007)

A classic....



> Good Morning,
> 
> Please can you make sure that you not only wash up any cups, dishes or cutlery but dry them and put them away.
> 
> ...


----------



## bouncer_the_dog (Aug 21, 2007)

oryx said:
			
		

> The only problem I have with 'smelly' food is that I feel tempted to go out & get curry/something hot & tasty & fattening - instead of a miserable tuna sandwich.



How dare you deviate from the Tuna sandwich!!


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 23, 2007)

I just made this 




			
				sign said:
			
		

> X NHS Foundation Trust (X) delivery ONLY.
> 
> YYY deliveries are not accepted here
> 
> Please use the handle to securely close the lift door. Thanks.


----------



## Pieface (Aug 23, 2007)

it makes no sense


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 23, 2007)

PieEye said:
			
		

> it makes no sense




Doesn't it? 

 All 3 sentences are in a different size. It's for the door from the goods lift.


----------



## Pieface (Aug 23, 2007)

that's ok then


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 23, 2007)

PieEye said:
			
		

> that's ok then






At least it's all the same font - I managed to restrain myself


----------



## Pieface (Aug 23, 2007)

you should have put little cartoon frogs and shit on it.


----------



## sleaterkinney (Aug 23, 2007)

We have a 73 page handbook.

On what we should wear:



> It is an accepted fact of business life that the image of the Company projected to customers, counter parties and other financial institutions may be conditioned by the personal appearance of employees.  The Company’s image carries considerable commercial importance.  The Company, therefore, expects all employees, especially employees in direct contact with customers, and with other organisations as representatives of the Company, to observe the usual standards of dress appropriate to a professional commercial organisation.




No emails though - I have been looking.


----------



## beeboo (Aug 23, 2007)

Not a scolding e-mail, just rather alarming:



> If you do decide to come in on over the weekend, you will not be able to use any water supply due to there being a large amount of chemicals in it. These chemicals will cause burns if you were to use it.







I'm not drinking any tea next week until I've seen a few other people do so without getting chemical burns...


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 23, 2007)

PieEye said:
			
		

> you should have put little cartoon frogs and shit on it.




Clip art! _Of course_!


----------



## sleaterkinney (Aug 23, 2007)

PieEye said:
			
		

> you should have put little cartoon frogs and shit on it.


I read that a couple of times beore realising you didn't mean it literally. I hope!.


----------



## Crispy (Aug 23, 2007)

office signs should be in at least 3 fonts, with the title being turned ino 'wordart' curved over the top. The main text should be Centere aligned, and there should be multiple !!!!!


----------



## Xanadu (Aug 23, 2007)

Did you receive the same corporate communications training that I did???!!!!


----------



## Crispy (Aug 23, 2007)

although cos I work with 'creatives' office notes tend to be in nicely aligned helvetica narrow, with subtle bold headers


----------



## Xanadu (Aug 23, 2007)

Our last scolding email was about storing MP3s on our office computers.  Apparently we're not allowed any music or videos on our workstations or servers.  We're not allowed iTunes either.


----------



## Pieface (Aug 23, 2007)

sleaterkinney said:
			
		

> I read that a couple of times beore realising you didn't mean it literally. I hope!.



I did mean it - more cheeky cartoons on signs please.  I'm campaigning for traffic messages on the M25 to be presented by that same little dog that tries to help you compose letters on your PC.  I think it would really help road rage to see his little face telling you that "tiredness kills"


----------



## Gromit (Aug 23, 2007)

PieEye said:
			
		

> I did mean it - more cheeky cartoons on signs please. I'm campaigning for traffic messages on the M25 to be presented by that same little dog that tries to help you compose letters on your PC. I think it would really help road rage to see his little face telling you that "tiredness kills"


 
lol. Yeah I can just see that paperclip now. 

You look as if you want to fall asleep and drift off the road and crash.
Do you want to:
Pull over for a bit.
Slap your face
Keep driving?


----------



## hiccup (Aug 23, 2007)

Not an email, but my boss announced to the office this morning that if anyone was going to sneeze, could they "either go outside to do so, or sneeze directly into a bin, as he does."

This is not the first time he's made this request.

My boss is mental.


----------



## sleaterkinney (Aug 23, 2007)

PieEye said:
			
		

> I did mean it - more cheeky cartoons on signs please.  I'm campaigning for traffic messages on the M25 to be presented by that same little dog that tries to help you compose letters on your PC.  I think it would really help road rage to see his little face telling you that "tiredness kills"


No, I meant literally as in covered the sign in frogs and then did a poo on it. 



			
				PieEye said:
			
		

> you should have put little cartoon frogs and shit on it.





They have those sort of signs in Japan though, don't they.

Level crossing:


----------



## Pieface (Aug 23, 2007)

I love Japan


----------



## Mr_Nice (Sep 6, 2007)

*Noise Wars*

Well its all kicked off a bit at the moment, we are a team of about 80 people in a hotdek open plan office, the mamangement decided to put a bank of 'quite desks' in. where did they put them ?? right on the main through corridor next to the area that can be used for breakout meetings  
The mamangment have complained that they don't get use and are going to take them away but some bright spark has sent this mail out ....

Personally I don't use these as my day is always a mix of quiet work, meetings and telephone calls/conferences. For quiet work I just stick my MP3 player on to mask teh outside 'noise'.

Related to this quiet issue however, I often find the office a very noisy place in which to hold teleconferences. It makes it hard for me to hear the other callers and the background noise often overwhelms the call for others. 

Could we put in some acoustically muffled hoods such as http://www.workplace-products.co.uk/telephone-hoodbrfull-shelf-industrial-phone-hood-p-35683.html. It is amazing how well these work and not only do they muffle the outside noise to you, but they also reduce the 'noise pollution' you make while on the call. These could be over desks so you could sit down while on the call and use laptops etc or even a few dotted around on walls where you can wander to for more casual / private calls perhaps?

 class you couldn't make it up


----------



## Badgers (Sep 10, 2007)

> Good morning boys and girls,
> 
> ***** had a word with me this morning about the bins.  Apparently this morning when she came in the kitchen was really smelly.  We didn’t have anyone emptying our main bin for the last 2 weeks but that sorted now, so whenever anyone empties their bin  can they please put it straight into he main bin out front and not leave it near the reception area or in the kitchen.
> 
> ...


----------



## bouncer_the_dog (Sep 17, 2007)

Not quite the same as a scolding email, this is what you get if you try to look at somthing with too many rude words in it at my work.






I get about 30 of these messages a day.. nothings ever happened...


----------



## Badgers (Sep 26, 2007)

Email from an unhappy MD today. 

Including the worrying text: 



> We are going to have to put 100% in to this and I want to know individually what you are going to do about. *That will include forgetting about a 9-5.30 day*.


----------



## marty21 (Sep 26, 2007)

i did get a scolding email from a trainer today as i forgot to go to a training course - (forgot to put it in my diary  ) then my manager tried to have a scolding phone conversation about me missing the session, but i threw her off her game but admitting it was my fault and not making any excuses


----------



## Structaural (Sep 26, 2007)

Badgers said:
			
		

> Email from an unhappy MD today.
> 
> Including the worrying text:
> 
> 'That will include forgetting about a 9-5.30 day'



Cool, stroll in at 11am


----------



## sojourner (Sep 26, 2007)

Structaural said:
			
		

> Cool, stroll in at 11am


----------



## Onket (Sep 26, 2007)

Badgers said:
			
		

> Email from an unhappy MD today.
> 
> Including the worrying text:
> 
> ...



Working at least 12hr days all the way through last weekend wasn't enough for them then?!


----------



## sleaterkinney (Sep 26, 2007)

> We are going to have to put 100% in to this and I want to know individually what you are going to do about. That will include forgetting about a 9-5.30 day.


I'd quit, he sounds like a right tosser.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 26, 2007)

bouncer_the_dog said:
			
		

> I get about 30 of these messages a day.. nothings ever happened...



This will only become important/useful if you are in any other kind of trouble and they want to bin you. Suddenly, all these little messages turn into 'gross misconduct for misuse of office systems, as outlined in your contract of employment'.


----------



## bouncer_the_dog (Sep 26, 2007)

Hmm... I'm leaving on friday. if they kick me out before then it'll be a merciful release..


----------



## marty21 (Sep 26, 2007)

i have to do penance for not turning up  my manager says she has some stuff she's going to give me to do 

as well as turning up everyday, they now expect me to work as well


----------



## beeboo (Sep 26, 2007)

Sadly I have deleted the recent email berating the state of our office kitchen.

Heading up the list of observed offences was "leaving an empty Tango bottle in the fridge"


----------



## May Kasahara (Sep 26, 2007)

I almost caught myself sending one round last week  addressed to whichever idiot keeps leaving a half-full milk jug on the bouncy, unstable wire shelves in the fridge, meaning that whenever more sensible and intelligent people put their lunchboxes into the fridge, the jug upends and milk goes everywhere.

Luckily I remembered just in time that I don't give nearly enough of a shit to bother


----------



## marty21 (Sep 26, 2007)

May Kasahara said:
			
		

> I almost caught myself sending one round last week  addressed to whichever idiot keeps leaving a half-full milk jug on the bouncy, unstable wire shelves in the fridge, meaning that whenever more sensible and intelligent people put their lunchboxes into the fridge, the jug upends and milk goes everywhere.
> 
> Luckily I remembered just in time that I don't give nearly enough of a shit to bother



what you need to do is type up a note IN CAPITALS, and put it on the fridge, that'll sort it


----------



## Onket (Sep 26, 2007)

There was an excellent A4 notice in our toilet cubicles going on about hinges & lifting the seak up before urinating so the poor chat who uses the facilities after you doesn't have to mop up your piss. It was very funny.

Sadly they've been taken down by some killjoy now.


----------



## Mogden (Sep 26, 2007)

marty21 said:
			
		

> what you need to do is type up a note IN CAPITALS, and put it on the fridge, that'll sort it


 
With lots of !!! and several stupid typos like

"Could someone PLEASE stop putting there milk jug on the wire shelve. Thankyou!!!"


----------



## May Kasahara (Sep 26, 2007)

The woman in my office who everyone hates usually takes it upon herself to do that kind of thing...her most recent effort is a multicoloured sign demanding "PLEASE LEAVE THE TRAYS IN THE CONDITION YOU WOULD LIKE TO FIND THEM!!!!!!"


----------



## prunus (Sep 26, 2007)

May Kasahara said:
			
		

> The woman in my office who everyone hates usually takes it upon herself to do that kind of thing...her most recent effort is a multicoloured sign demanding "PLEASE LEAVE THE TRAYS IN THE CONDITION YOU WOULD LIKE TO FIND THEM!!!!!!"




Hmm, that takes some thinking about - I'm really not sure in what condition I would like to find them....   Hmmm........


----------



## beeboo (Sep 26, 2007)

I always resent the implication on such signs that I treat communal areas with less respect than I would treat my own house.  Evidently the people who write such notes have never witnessed the kind of squalor I'm quite content to live in


----------



## Schmetterling (Sep 27, 2007)

hiccup said:
			
		

> Not an email, but my boss announced to the office this morning that if anyone was going to sneeze, could they "either go outside to do so, or sneeze directly into a bin, as he does."
> 
> This is not the first time he's made this request.
> 
> My boss is mental.


Can you go over and sneeze into his bin everytime?  Or howsabout going out to sneeze, say, every five mins? What a prat!


----------



## Poot (Sep 27, 2007)

This is the thread that just keeps on giving!  

Not an email, but a comment from my passive-aggressive colleague who doesn't like women much, yesterday morning as I stepped through the door:

Him: Have you got an instruction book for the telephone you installed yesterday?

Me: Er... Yes. I think I put it on the shelf with the others.

Him (in self-important tone): Well how's about you _read_ it then? Your phone rang this morning and your answer phone message was audible. 

I resisted the urge to pick my handbag up and say "Oooooooh!"

He's like the personification of the scolding email.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 1, 2007)

A real winner today and no mistake!!!!! 



> Dear one and all,
> 
> It has been brought to my attention that not everyone is keen to contribute for a gift on team-mate’s birthdays.  I understand that in previous employment there have been varying traditions and that me asking for £1 to go toward something for a birthday is not really what everyone wants to do.
> 
> ...



 

Quality!!!!


----------



## UID (Oct 1, 2007)

Mr Retro said:
			
		

> I love the mobile phone one
> 
> I have a conversation every couple of weeks that goes:
> 
> ...



You can get a gadget that allows you to use two sims in one phone you know.


----------



## Radar (Oct 1, 2007)

UID said:
			
		

> You can get a gadget that allows you to use two sims in one phone you know.


 And you do know that they operate on either one sim or the other. Not both at the same time. 

So if you're logged onto the work SIM for support, then no placing percy fone calls for you until you flick back over.

Newer adapters can be set to auto switch every x mins and some can be switched via an on-screen menu.

Bottom line though is that carrying a company mobile so you can be contacted out of hours is a major disruption to anyone's work-life balance. Too bloody right I'd want something in return for being at their beck and call.


----------



## souljacker (Oct 1, 2007)

marty21 said:
			
		

> i did get a scolding email from a trainer today as i forgot to go to a training course - (forgot to put it in my diary  ) then my manager tried to have a scolding phone conversation about me missing the session, but i threw her off her game but admitting it was my fault and not making any excuses



I find that really fucks with peoples heads. In my previous job, I'd taken rather a lot of Mondays off. My boss called me in and pointed it out and asked me if there was an ongoing sickness or were these absences related to heavy weekends. I said "they were just sickies. If you look, I've taken off loads of Fridays and also loads of days after paydays and work do's." 

He just sort of laughed, and said "well as long as you don't have some sort of serious illness then."


----------



## gabi (Oct 1, 2007)

This might have already been posted, but theres some crackers on this site:

www.passiveaggressivenotes.com


----------



## poului (Oct 1, 2007)

I don't have a good scolding email at hand but I did preserve an email some time ago from my uni days that quite possibly ranks as the most _pathetic_ ever written.

This message was sent not only to all students in college but *to all staff too*.



> Hey Guys (and gals of course!).
> 
> My name is **** and I'll be your External officer for the next
> year...you lucky lucky things.
> ...




and then the apology...



> Hi all,
> 
> Just a short mailshot to apologise for any offence caused by the tone
> and content of my recent email.  Its intention was to be
> ...


----------



## sam/phallocrat (Oct 1, 2007)

Oh I dunno, it's quite funny actually . . .


----------



## poului (Oct 1, 2007)

sam/phallocrat said:
			
		

> Oh I dunno, it's quite funny actually . . .




I can assure you he wasn't in on the joke.


----------



## pad (Oct 1, 2007)

This leaving email was sent to all users last week. I kept expecting a punchline but it never came...



> From: XXXXX,XXX
> Sent: 26 September 2007 15:48
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: XXX XXXXXXX is leaving XXX
> ...


----------



## Kenny Vermouth (Oct 2, 2007)

There was a particularly odious wet fart who was obssessed with putting signs up everywhere in the office.

His desk was buy the door to the room and he had put notices up like "close the door". Later I noticed "do not slam" had appeared.

The tea room was his favourite. It had all manner of signs telling people what they shouldn't do with tea and coffee making equipment. So I put up a sign saying "please do not put redundant signs all over the building".

A colleague saw the wet fart tear it down and rip it up.


----------



## gabi (Oct 2, 2007)

ha, I got a similar leaving email to yours Pad... I saved it for posterity. This went to 20,000+ people globally. I've only quoted the first page - the entire email ran to about 300 pages (he'd written a good section of the bible in poetry form).



> From: Partlow, Daniel
> Sent: 04 October 2006 17:18
> To: EVERYONE
> Subject: Last day
> ...



what. a. cunt.


----------



## Kenny Vermouth (Oct 2, 2007)

gabi said:
			
		

> ha, I got a similar leaving email to yours Pad... I saved it for posterity. This went to 20,000+ people globally. I've only quoted the first page - the entire email ran to about 300 pages (he'd written a good section of the bible in poetry form).
> 
> 
> 
> what. a. cunt.


What an extraordinary man.


----------



## Kenny Vermouth (Oct 2, 2007)

Sometimes I just feel like sending out an email saying "Would the member of staff who fucking stinks please do something about it".


----------



## Pieface (Oct 2, 2007)

gabi said:
			
		

> ha, I got a similar leaving email to yours Pad... I saved it for posterity. This went to 20,000+ people globally. I've only quoted the first page - the entire email ran to about 300 pages (he'd written a good section of the bible in poetry form).
> 
> 
> 
> what. a. cunt.



hang on - I think I've heard of that site - he gets people to take a few verses and make a poem and send them to him.....

Or am I hallucinating?  Sounds familiar anyway


----------



## 5t3IIa (Oct 2, 2007)

Schmetterling said:
			
		

> Can you go over and sneeze into his bin everytime?



Everytime I open this thread this post makes me


----------



## mellifluous lady (Oct 2, 2007)

lots of e-mails about toilets....this one made me laugh though

'Can I please ask all gentlemen to leave the toilet as they would like to find it.



This morning’s incident, where someone placed a toilet roll down the toilet, is not what I would call considerate - especially when someone else is then left to resolve the blockage.



Your help is appreciated'


----------



## gabi (Oct 2, 2007)

PieEye said:
			
		

> hang on - I think I've heard of that site - he gets people to take a few verses and make a poem and send them to him.....
> 
> Or am I hallucinating?  Sounds familiar anyway



No idea, that URL doesn't work anyway... hopefuilly he was struck down by a bolt of lightning on his way home on his last day so never got the chance to launch his 'poetry' on the world (any further than he already had wit that email anyway).


----------



## Schmetterling (Oct 3, 2007)

5t3IIa said:
			
		

> Everytime I open this thread this post makes me


Why Thank You.  Am pleased to be contributing to your merryment!  
I am pleased to say that my parents have brought me up to have a very respectful level of irreverence!  
Unfortunately I have no wanky e-mail/signs to contribute ... yet


----------



## hiccup (Oct 3, 2007)

5t3IIa said:
			
		

> Everytime I open this thread this post makes me



It is a good idea. I shall float the idea to the rest of the staff


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 3, 2007)

Kenny Vermouth said:
			
		

> Sometimes I just feel like sending out an email saying "Would the member of staff who fucking stinks please do something about it".




If only more people would!


----------



## Kanda (Oct 4, 2007)

I just got this from our MD 



> Dear IT,
> 
> I still haven't got wireless, haven't got broadband access for the wii,
> I can't download pictures from my camera and my in-laws have no internet
> ...


----------



## Treebeak (Oct 4, 2007)

Kanda said:
			
		

> I just got this from our MD



Dear IT,

I still haven't got wireless, haven't got broadband access for the wii,
I can't download pictures from my camera and my in-laws have no internet
access. Can you give me a timetable for sorting all of the above and
I'll put in my diary?

thanks



And the stock markets fell because Kanda didnt get his boss's in laws their internet access... ffs


----------



## baldrick (Oct 4, 2007)

he expects you to sort out his personal internet accounts? and gets arsey when you don't do it?


----------



## Treebeak (Oct 4, 2007)

baldrick said:
			
		

> he expects you to sort out his personal internet accounts? and gets arsey when you don't do it?



Not just his but his in-laws!!! And the Wii!!!!!


----------



## sojourner (Oct 4, 2007)

poului said:
			
		

> I don't have a good scolding email at hand but I did preserve an email some time ago from my uni days that quite possibly ranks as the most _pathetic_ ever written.
> 
> This message was sent not only to all students in college but *to all staff too*.
> 
> ...


Absolute fucking quality


----------



## Kanda (Oct 4, 2007)

Treebeak said:
			
		

> Not just his but his in-laws!!! And the Wii!!!!!



His in-laws are on up the North East... a full day out to fix a fucking broadband connection 

I have no idea what camera he has now either...


----------



## bluestreak (Oct 4, 2007)

i think i may just have become one of them 

Dear all, Could you do me a favour and either date stamp the letter or the letter AND the envelope, and not just the envelope.  I know it seems petty but it saves us having official files filled up with envelopes and looks a lot better when presenting documents to panels and outside organisations.

*dies*

i had to rewrite it to remove sarcasm about three times.  "i am aware that actually removing the letters from their envelope seriously slows you down but given that my job is to take the fall for all the cock ups around here i'd appreciate it if you could at least make it so that my presentations are stuffed with old envelopes... "

*dies again*


----------



## sojourner (Oct 4, 2007)

Ha!!  you suck corporate cock bluey!!!      Do you spit or swallow?


----------



## Sweaty Betty (Oct 4, 2007)

I sent one today!!!!!!!

hello all......

Just a bit of advice.....if the dishwasher is full............please empty it!!! , as sticking your dirty cups on top is just pure lazy.

Thanks



 I didnt get one reply back.


----------



## baldrick (Oct 4, 2007)

Kanda said:
			
		

> His in-laws are on up the North East... a full day out to fix a fucking broadband connection
> 
> I have no idea what camera he has now either...



gawd....what a cunt.  and you do this on work time?  the cheek!


----------



## sojourner (Oct 4, 2007)

haylz said:
			
		

> I sent one today!!!!!!!
> 
> hello all......
> 
> ...


Ah 

I've just remembered the one I sent about that yesterday.  Mine was more polite though, and went:

'Now that we have opened up the kitchen we need to make the effort to keep it clean in between cleaner visits!

Can we now start putting all dirty cups/plates/cutlery straight into the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink, and obviously put a wash on when it's full.

Also, if, as I expect, we end up with very messy surfaces, I WILL put a memo out, but will also ask that if you see it, give it a wipe.

Cheers'


----------



## tufty79 (Oct 4, 2007)

"Please note that there will be overtime work this Saturday.  I have attached the list of those who have signified they will be available as a reminder.  


Important point


Quality and accuracy will be action the words for the day. "


i don't know whether to laugh or cry at the last bit...


----------



## sojourner (Oct 4, 2007)

tufty79 said:
			
		

> "Please note that there will be overtime work this Saturday.  I have attached the list of those who have signified they will be available as a reminder.
> 
> 
> Important point
> ...


----------



## Gromit (Oct 4, 2007)

I was planning to do a sloppy inaccurate job but now that those are the watch words I'll have to change my plans. Bugger!


----------



## Sweaty Betty (Oct 4, 2007)

sojourner said:
			
		

> Ah
> 
> I've just remembered the one I sent about that yesterday.  Mine was more polite though, and went:
> 
> ...




That was the gist of my first email back in june , im loosing patience now, i know there mums are not around to clear up after them but im fucked if im gonna wipe there filfthy arses for them....... 

They can live like pigs while im in spain, i hope they get botchelism!!!

Hurrah!


----------



## Cloo (Oct 9, 2007)

Our office managing person is a laugh. She put an appeal on the office blog for people to clear old stuff from the fridge, accompanied by this 'song' she wrote (to the tune of Spandau Ballet’s ‘Gold’):

Mould! (mould)
You can’t eat that its too O-old
Even though the fridge is very cold
It’s inedible
Please consider yourself
Told.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Oct 9, 2007)

Cloo said:
			
		

> Our office managing person is a laugh. She put an appeal on the office blog for people to clear old stuff from the fridge, accompanied by this 'song' she wrote (to the tune of Spandau Ballet’s ‘Gold’):
> 
> Mould! (mould)
> You can’t eat that its too O-old
> ...




Genius 

My old place had a 'We chuck everything (EVERYTHING) out on Fridays, no acceptions' sign on the fridge. Seemed to do the trick.


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 10, 2007)

5t3IIa said:
			
		

> Genius
> 
> My old place had a 'We chuck everything (EVERYTHING) out on Fridays, no *acceptions*' sign on the fridge. Seemed to do the trick.



did they spell it wrongly, or is that you?


----------



## 5t3IIa (Oct 10, 2007)

DotCommunist said:
			
		

> did they spell it wrongly, or is that you?




Ahem. Them, of course *whistles*


----------



## bluestreak (Oct 10, 2007)

sojourner said:
			
		

> Ha!! you suck corporate cock bluey!!!   Do you spit or swallow?


 
hey, i don't work for a corporation tyvm 























swallow.


----------



## KeyboardJockey (Oct 12, 2007)

Idiots issuing instructions to idiots or so it seems.   We've just got an instruction about an office move that says 

'How to Pack

Take an empty crate and place on floor away from corridors and doors and pack contents of desk.  Seal box and then place another empty crate on the closed lid of the other crate'

FFS


----------



## 5t3IIa (Oct 12, 2007)

KeyboardJockey said:
			
		

> Idiots issuing instructions to idiots or so it seems.   We've just got an instruction about an office move that says
> 
> 'How to Pack
> 
> ...




When we moved offices my finger got squished in the metal bar thingy that helps the crates stack  It went all blue and my fingernail was _corrugated _for ages afterwards. I cried in pain for the first time since I was 7, I think 

Just to let you know that them crates *is* a hazard


----------



## Sweaty Betty (Oct 12, 2007)

KeyboardJockey said:
			
		

> Idiots issuing instructions to idiots or so it seems.   We've just got an instruction about an office move that says
> 
> 'How to Pack
> 
> ...



I work in facilities....you would be so surprised .....im convinced offices are full of braindead people who have their arses wiped for them at home....


----------



## sojourner (Oct 12, 2007)

haylz said:
			
		

> .....im convinced offices are full of braindead people who have their arses wiped for them at home....


They also are unable to change a toilet roll, put an empty roll in a bin, turn taps off, or lights, or shut windows 


 nnggghhhh


----------



## sojourner (Oct 12, 2007)

bluestreak said:
			
		

> swallow.


As I suspected


----------



## hektik (Oct 12, 2007)

not a scolding email as such but worrying:



> As some of you will be aware, at the company event in September, one of our employees was taken ill. The individual was taken to hospital that evening. The doctor who attended to her advised us that it was likely that the symptoms she presented resulted from an incident of drink-spiking. The incident was reported to the police.



it then goes on about ways to prevent your drink being spiked.

the thing is, this was a corporate event: work collegues were the only people there.


----------



## Sweaty Betty (Oct 13, 2007)

sojourner said:
			
		

> They also are unable to change a toilet roll, put an empty roll in a bin, turn taps off, or lights, or shut windows
> 
> 
> nnggghhhh




Dont get me started on the mugs and dishwasher


----------



## pad (Oct 16, 2007)

Here's another lovely toilet related one I found from a while back



> From: THE BOSS
> Sent: 12 October 2006 13:24
> To: ALL USERS
> Subject: FW: Concerning the Gents Toilets
> ...


----------



## Onket (Oct 16, 2007)

Yeah, we had that at my old employer in the city. Baffling behaviour.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Oct 16, 2007)

pad said:
			
		

> Here's another lovely toilet related one I found from a while back




The email _writer _seems sane, at least.


Friend of mine had an email going round about men not peeing on the loo floor. They all reckoned it was the boss as he is so fat he can't possibly see where his winky is pointing


----------



## tufty79 (Oct 16, 2007)

from t'other week:





			
				randomworkblokewhowedon'tknow said:
			
		

> "I may have addressed this to the wrong people, but could I ask you to spread the word around so it does reach the right people please ?
> 
> A couple of times over recent days members of Hearings staff have found people tucking into sandwiches brought in for lunch, or into the supplies of biscuits down in the witness area.  They have been told that these people are temps brought in to help ************ teams.
> 
> ...



this was sent around after a member of facilities kept running up to our floor and telling us to help ourselves to the free food downstairs  

we still keep getting sent emails about being free to help ourselves an' all... 

*wants more free food. but not the egg n' bacon sarnies, cos they're nasty*


----------



## 5t3IIa (Oct 16, 2007)

tufty79 said:
			
		

> from t'other week:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




'Forcefully', eh? Scary feller


----------



## trabuquera (Oct 17, 2007)

<edited for repetitiveness - foolishly thought I was the only person in the world to read www.passiveaggressivenotes.com. Clearly there is more appetite for other people's pettiness in this world than I thought.>


----------



## Kanda (Oct 17, 2007)

Kanda said:
			
		

> His in-laws are on up the North East... a full day out to fix a fucking broadband connection
> 
> I have no idea what camera he has now either...



Just to follow this up... I am going to Scarborough to fix this tomorrow, £300 on the train!!! The other alternative was my boss flying me up in his plane, I chose the train.


----------



## alexisonfire (Oct 17, 2007)

"Please can people make sure they clean up after themselves when they use the loo – we have loo brushes so please use them! Think of your colleagues please"


----------



## bluestreak (Oct 17, 2007)

Kanda said:
			
		

> Just to follow this up... I am going to Scarborough to fix this tomorrow, £300 on the train!!! The other alternative was my boss flying me up in his plane, I chose the train.


 
Good grief.  You are his monkeypuppet!  Dance monkeypuppet, dance!

My contribution?  received this today...



> *
> PLEASE ENSURE YOU DO NOT WEDGE THE BACK DOOR OPEN WITH THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER OR ANY OTHER OBJECT.
> *THE DOOR MUST REMAIN CLOSED AT ALL TIMES
> IF YOU DO NOT KNOW THE CODE, ASK FOR IT OR USE THE MAIN ENTRANCE DOOR TO ENTER OR EXIT THE BUILDING.
> ...


 
security risk, lol!


----------



## bluestreak (Oct 17, 2007)

and another one! must be the day for it.  beware, sandwich thiefs!



> Dear All
> I put a sandwich in the fridge yesterday, which has now disappeared, despite the fact that I wrote my name in a black marker pen all over it.
> I am very offended by this as I do not ever take what does not belong to me.
> Please can we all ensure that when we are taking food out of the fridge, that we are taking out OUR OWN FOOD.



i suspect that it was probably thrown away, given that sandwiches covered in ink are considered inedible by the vast majority of the population.


----------



## May Kasahara (Oct 17, 2007)

That makes it sound like they wrote directly onto the bread


----------



## Badgers (Oct 19, 2007)

> I’ve had a call from ***** asking we don’t give out their mobile numbers; apparently she’s had a call on her mobile.  Instead can you give out the office number onsite which is 0*** *** ****.



Should I post up her mobile number so everyone calls her?


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 21, 2007)

Our work doesn't send emails round - the offenders just get bollocked at the monthly staff meeting instead.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 25, 2007)

Good to see that somebody in my office has some humour  



> It has come to my attention that my four forks are spending longer and longer away from the safety of the "Genie Print " pencil holder. I believe that one of the "Wandsworth Four Forks " or "WFF"  has been held captive for a number of days - there is a rumour that he is being held in Watford, as part of a re allocation of resource, but as yet, this is unconfirmed. If you know of his whereabouts please ensure his safe return.
> 
> I ask all fork users to be vigilant in these days of social unrest, especially when using one of the WFF.
> 
> ...


----------



## Andy the Don (Oct 25, 2007)

arvellous stuff - the march of the rodents..

As I have been doing the post this week, I have noticed that several of the pigeonholes in the staffroom have Ryvita and other biscuity substances in them. Please remember that:


<LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1">This is a school; there is no school in the country that does not have mice. The mice are usually more numerous and more industrious than the students. <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1">Mice like biscuits, especially biscuits that are kept in dark cubbyholes in easily-opened paper wrappings. Chew, chew, yum yum! 
Mice saliva can contain leptospirosis, Weil’s disease, hantavirus, salmonella, and various other bacterial and viral agents which can transfer to humans. Apart from this, they are scrupulously clean.
 
So, buy or find a tin, a plastic box, a metal cupboard, a wall safe, Fort Knox; but don’t leave food lying around and expect it to remain uncontaminated.

For more information, see
http://www.epa.gov/pesticides/ipm/schoolipm/chap-12.pdf


----------



## Onket (Oct 25, 2007)

Badgers said:
			
		

> Good to see that somebody in my office has some humour



You sent it didn't you.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 25, 2007)

Onket said:
			
		

> You sent it didn't you.



Not guilty your honour.. 

I have planned to go to the charity shop tomorrow, buy about 30 forks and add them to his collection.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 25, 2007)

Things are getting ugly..



> We have one of your WFF in captivity. You can secure the release of this rogue agent for the release of 12 tea spoons, currently in you secure stockade.
> 
> Failure to comply will not be tolerated and your fork will be subjected to torture! One prong will be bent or removed ever hour, you have limited time to secure the release
> 
> SPOON


----------



## fen_boy (Oct 25, 2007)

> I'm sure all of you have heard of "The Servant Problem".  It really started during WW I when the men went off and got killed and the women had to go and do the men's jobs so weren't available to work for a shilling a month and one free frock a year being a domestic drudge in someone else's house or business.  Unfortunately, the passage of time has not cured this problem, WW II (more dead men) and the feminist movement of the 1960's (women not wanting to work for a shilling a month) really just made things worse.  Therefore, the days when one could get one's butler or maid to clean up behind one are long gone, a source of huge regret to all of us I know but we have to move with the times.
> 
> Therefore you won't be surprised to hear that ****** does not have the luxury of a kitchen maid to come and clean up behind us all after each social event.  When you've finished eating please can you put your plate/cups in the black rubbish bins provided.  If you take the last piece of pizza from the box then that too goes in the black rubbish bins.
> 
> Thank you for your help,



not sure what to make of this one


----------



## bluestreak (Oct 25, 2007)

fen_boy said:
			
		

> not sure what to make of this one


 
print the email and make some sort of origami hat?


----------



## fen_boy (Oct 25, 2007)

bluestreak said:
			
		

> print the email and make some sort of origami hat?



this is a good idea


----------



## marty21 (Oct 25, 2007)

i have been tempted to send a work email, something along the lines of this

*PLEASE PUT YOUR CUPS AND PLATES IN THE DISHWASHER, PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE THEM IN THE SINK AND EXPECT OTHERS TO DO SO *

but i'm not going to


----------



## Mogden (Oct 25, 2007)

marty21 said:
			
		

> i have been tempted to send a work email, something along the lines of this
> 
> *PLEASE PUT YOUR CUPS AND PLATES IN THE DISHWASHER, PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE THEM IN THE SINK AND EXPECT OTHERS TO DO SO *
> 
> but i'm not going to


 
If I had a situation like that marty I'd shame them into doing it. Something like:

"I'm sorry to learn that someone has lost the use of their hands and is physically incapable of putting their cups and plates in the dishwasher. If you drop by my desk I'll take down your name and we can start a collection on your behalf for that all important operation so that we might once again benefit from your mobility. Thanks marty21."


----------



## May Kasahara (Oct 25, 2007)

There is a sign in our kitchen that says almost exactly that, marty. If it makes you feel any better 

I think Annoying Office Woman is getting perilously close to sending a snarky message asking people to unload the dishwasher. I hope she does, I feel guilty for not having much to contribute to this fine thread.


----------



## Biddlybee (Oct 25, 2007)

May Kasahara said:
			
		

> There is a sign in our kitchen that says almost exactly that, marty. If it makes you feel any better


Same here... and people still leave their stuff on the side


----------



## prunus (Oct 25, 2007)

Badgers said:
			
		

> Not guilty your honour..
> 
> I have planned to go to the charity shop tomorrow, buy about 30 forks and add them to his collection.




One at a time, every few days over several months I think.


----------



## marty21 (Oct 25, 2007)

Mogden said:
			
		

> If I had a situation like that marty I'd shame them into doing it. Something like:
> 
> "I'm sorry to learn that someone has lost the use of their hands and is physically incapable of putting their cups and plates in the dishwasher. If you drop by my desk I'll take down your name and we can start a collection on your behalf for that all important operation so that we might once again benefit from your mobility. Thanks marty21."



<prints it off>

i've signed it mogden


----------



## Mogden (Oct 25, 2007)

marty21 said:
			
		

> <prints it off>
> 
> i've signed it mogden


 
 

*goes to post about self on who here is famous thread*


----------



## bluestreak (Oct 25, 2007)

prunus said:
			
		

> One at a time, every few days over several months I think.


 
Ooh good call.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 25, 2007)

bluestreak said:
			
		

> Ooh good call.



Okay, 

I am expanding this now. 

Tomorrow I am going to buy an assortment of cutlery from said charity shop. 

Upon return to the office I will add one fork 
On Monday I will remove 2 forks and add a knife 
This can go on for a long and crazy time


----------



## bluestreak (Oct 25, 2007)

Excellent.  Keep us informed.  Hopefully you can break him.


----------



## Gromit (Oct 26, 2007)

You may not be aware but [the organsiation] does not supply washing up liquid (wup) or wash our tea -towels, and up to now some staff on the section have been volunteering to wash the towels and buy wup.  However, we need a fairer system.

I will draw up a rota so everyone can take a turn to wash towels and contribute to a wup fund.  If anyone has any objections or suggestions, please let me know.


----------



## marty21 (Oct 26, 2007)

not exactly a scolding email, but when you work for an organisation spread over several offices, every so often you get the leaving email  i don't know the fucker, just send it to your mates ffs 



> leaving on das jet plane
> 
> Hi everyone, yes, it’s another person leaving e-mail, I thought I’d try and spice the message up by writing the title in German!!. Anyway it’s been nearly 5 and ½ years since I walked into reception fresh faced with a full head of hair, now I’m leaving with grey sideburns and not much hair on top.
> 
> ...



oh just fuck off already


----------



## Mogden (Oct 26, 2007)

marty21 said:
			
		

> oh just fuck off already


 
I hate 'em too. The rats are leaving the sinking ship here and Thursday night is close to being christened "Someone is leaving this week" night.


----------



## tufty79 (Oct 26, 2007)

not strictly scolding either.. 
on finding out on monday that i was this weeks Troubleshooting Officer (sorting out all the lost forms, lost ID, problems and general nitpickery), my esteemed colleague sent me the following email:




			
				esteemed colleague said:
			
		

> OHHHH (tufty) …Have I got some treats for you ……HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH   HA
> 
> ESCAPE IS FUTILE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA  ho



since then, i have been off for two and a half days.

i really need to let him know it's not his fault


----------



## May Kasahara (Oct 26, 2007)

I think you should go marty, you can play it out in person...

*Random colleague*: Hi Marty, thanks for coming, let's have some banter about the old days.

*Marty*: oh just fuck off already


----------



## marty21 (Oct 26, 2007)

May Kasahara said:
			
		

> I think you should go marty, you can play it out in person...
> 
> *Random colleague*: Hi Marty, thanks for coming, let's have some banter about the old days.
> 
> *Marty*: oh just fuck off already



very tempted to turn up, tell him to fuck off, and leave, the beauty of the plan is that he won't have a clue who I am


----------



## laptop (Oct 26, 2007)

marty21 said:
			
		

> very tempted to turn up, tell him to fuck off, and leave, the beauty of the plan is that he won't have a clue who I am



Even better, since he wants to reminisce abt old times, bring a photo of the goat to remind him.


----------



## Onket (Oct 26, 2007)

marty21 said:
			
		

> not exactly a scolding email, but when you work for an organisation spread over several offices, every so often you get the leaving email  i don't know the fucker, just send it to your mates ffs
> 
> oh just fuck off already



When I used to work for a massive multinational we often used to include random members of staff from around the globe when we used to send group emails about going to the pub after work.

Oh how funny we were.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 27, 2007)

Tracey mails the office to say:



> I have a dentist appointment today, so I'll be leaving at 2.30


----------



## Superape (Oct 27, 2007)

marty21 said:
			
		

> not exactly a scolding email, but when you work for an organisation spread over several offices, every so often you get the leaving email  i don't know the fucker, just send it to your mates ffs
> 
> oh just fuck off already



Be much more fun to send one that says "You're all cunts, fuck the lot of ya, I'm out of this shithole".

Current amusement at my work is the recalled email. 

Usually this takes the form of someone finding out some massively important piece of information and sharing with with the several thousand people on the [well known northern local authority] email list. 

Said person will then find out that, actually it's a hoax/urban myth/hideously out of date piece of info that has already been to every inbox around the globe for the past 3 years & has only just turned up in theirs. They will then desperately attempt to recall the email in order not look like a dick/get a bollocking from the line manager with whose kind permission they sent the original email.

Top of the list so far have been the supermarket car park slasher alert (utter cock) and the fake postal delivery card expensive phone call scam (2 years out of date).

The former led to an authority wide rebuke from a very high up person warning of the dire consequences of any future mails of that nature, the latter led to 6 recall attempts - clogging up the email system far more than the original one.


----------



## Mitre10 (Oct 27, 2007)

Kanda said:
			
		

> Just to follow this up... I am going to Scarborough to fix this tomorrow, £300 on the train!!! The other alternative was my boss flying me up in his plane, I chose the train.




Haha, just catching up on this thread - it is quality.

Did you go to Scarborough?

What was the problem, please say it was something ludicrously simple??


NB. Your boss has a plane?!? Jesus.


----------



## marty21 (Oct 30, 2007)

*yet another tedious leaving email*



> I am a nob and i am leaving (err i put that bit in )
> 
> This poem sums up everything!!!
> 
> ...



other than the tedious leaving do arrangments for someone i have never met, they end their email to a thousand plus people with a bad poem 

fuck off and take your bad poetry with you


----------



## bluestreak (Oct 30, 2007)

reply with a haiku

the sun rises late
the wind blows chill from the east
no one gives a crap.


----------



## tufty79 (Oct 30, 2007)

^^^ heh


----------



## fogbat (Oct 30, 2007)

Marius said:
			
		

> You may not be aware but [the organsiation] does not supply washing up liquid (wup) or wash our tea -towels, and up to now some staff on the section have been volunteering to wash the towels and buy wup.  However, we need a fairer system.
> 
> I will draw up a rota so everyone can take a turn to wash towels and contribute to a wup fund.  If anyone has any objections or suggestions, please let me know.



I love that they've taken the time to abbreviate "washing up liquid"


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Oct 30, 2007)

Surely it should be Wul?


----------



## fogbat (Oct 30, 2007)

Boris Sprinkler said:
			
		

> Surely it should be Wul?



You're right 

Although "Wup" may be a phonetic interpretation of the sound made when you squeeze a washing-up bottle.


----------



## pengaleng (Oct 31, 2007)

LOL I just wrote one 

Dear All,

We have been noticing that some of you seem to be putting documents into the scan and destroy tray which shouldn't be put in there, for instance - we found a signed original copy of financial statements amongst other things. Please check everything you put into this tray. 

Another point I want to make is that when we moved into this building in February ALL files were placed in alphabetical order, I know the issue of space is a factor in tidyness, however everyone is responsible for maintaining order and I do not have time to re-arrange the shelves every week. As you are aware accounts are backlogged and some files are still waiting for this to be completed before archiving, so at present there is not much space, we are working on this, I am consolodating files and sorting them so that we are using space more efficiently, but this takes time. KYC is complete now so we will have more time/resources to work on this.

Also, The step stool that should be kept by ******'s plant shouldn't be left in the middle of the floor or in front of the fire escape, it's a health and safety hazard, please make sure that you replace it after using.

Regards,

LOL


----------



## Yetman (Oct 31, 2007)

tribal_princess said:
			
		

> LOL I just wrote one
> 
> Dear All,
> 
> ...



That doesnt even warrant a L, let alone a LOL. You may as well have put up your company policy on health and safety 

Spelt consolidating wrong as well


----------



## Badgers (Nov 1, 2007)

I just got the oddest email from my MD... 

I feel a bit odd about and am cringing a little bit!! 

It goes against the theme of this thread but is amusing and I am wondering whether to post it up!!


----------



## maes (Nov 1, 2007)

post it!


----------



## beeboo (Nov 1, 2007)

post!


----------



## bluestreak (Nov 1, 2007)

post or GTFO!


----------



## KeyboardJockey (Nov 1, 2007)

I can't put it up as it would breach security but we've all been ordered quite forcefully to attend a propaganda session at four pm.  

Dr Goebells would have been proud of our managements ability to gild turds.


----------



## poster342002 (Nov 1, 2007)

KeyboardJockey said:
			
		

> we've all been ordered quite forcefully to attend a propaganda session at four pm.


Bet everyone's uncritically lapping it up like a session of the North Korean parliament, though, eh? Just watch the turkeys nodding in agreement with each proposal to add another christmas to the year.



			
				KeyboardJockey said:
			
		

> Dr Goebells would have been proud of our managements ability to gild turds.


In workplace Britian in the 2000s, he'd be gobsmacked at how easy his job was and how little questioning of it there was.


----------



## marty21 (Nov 1, 2007)

beeboo said:
			
		

> post!



yes


----------



## KeyboardJockey (Nov 1, 2007)

poster342002 said:
			
		

> Bet everyone's uncritically lapping it up like a session of the North Korean parliament, though, eh? Just watch the turkeys nodding in agreement with each proposal to add another christmas to the year.




I seem to be the only person who is even moderately cynical about our new rebranding as the 'deleted for security'  .  



			
				poster342002 said:
			
		

> In workplace Britian in the 2000s, he'd be gobsmacked at how easy his job was and how little questioning of it there was.



Sadly you are right.


----------



## bluestreak (Nov 1, 2007)

Not especially scolding, but a little WTF...



> Could you kindly inform all your team that until further notice no DLO is to enter the Elecrticity cupboard at the above location. This is due to a serious ASB/Police investigation.
> Should assess be required for emergency reasons - please ensure that it is referred to me before hand.


 
The mind boggles.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 1, 2007)

Petty



> Morning guys,
> 
> Now the wardrobe is here it is still yet to be put together!!  I have had another ear full from **** about it this morning, I have looked at the distructions for putting the thing together and I’m gonna need some help.
> 
> Any volunteers??


----------



## maes (Nov 1, 2007)

distructions? wtf?


----------



## Mr Smin (Nov 1, 2007)

not sure if it's a joke as the rest of the line is decent english


----------



## bluestreak (Nov 1, 2007)

Looks like a bad day for storage areas.


----------



## pengaleng (Nov 1, 2007)

> The business plans and budgets of all other offices as well as the Individual Roadmaps of ALL employees in ALL offices will be carefully tested on their level of reality and their contribution to the success of the Group. I would kindly wish to emphasize to all offices to make sure that all budgets and business plans are both ambitious and realistic, as now we have sufficient tools in place to closely monitor the performance of each office compared to its targets. Equally I would like each employee to insist on ambitious yet realistic Roadmap goals for 2008. Good individual performance will be measured, appreciated and rewarded. People who do not contribute sufficiently to the goals of the organisation, will also be identified and appropriate action will be taken.


----------



## bluestreak (Nov 1, 2007)

I'd quit if that hit my inbox.

I'd just set it to print 100 times on every printer i was networked to, then punch myself in the nose until it bled, snort bloody snot all over my computer and desk, and walk out whistling.


----------



## May Kasahara (Nov 1, 2007)

Innit! Or perhaps just find the sender, wait till they're out and then write I LIKE POO all over their desk, in poo. Then quit.


----------



## pengaleng (Nov 1, 2007)

sender is in spain, it came from the head honcho of the entire company!


----------



## May Kasahara (Nov 1, 2007)

I dare you to email them back saying "Sorry but WTF are you on about? Only I've passed your message on to a load of strangers off the internet, and they're all pestering me to make some sense of it".

(not really)


----------



## marty21 (Nov 2, 2007)

> Hi guys,
> 
> If any of you want to keep in touch with me in the future my e-mail is sadtwat@hotmail.com
> 
> ...



obviously i have edited this slightly, the guy who sent the leaving email has now mailed everyone 5 times with various things - fuck off


----------



## Kanda (Nov 2, 2007)

Mitre10 said:
			
		

> Haha, just catching up on this thread - it is quality.
> 
> Did you go to Scarborough?
> 
> ...



Yup. I just took a new router with me, plugged it in, it worked straight away. 10 minutes work.

Went down the beach, had Fish and Chips, got train back.


----------



## Poot (Nov 9, 2007)

Got an excellently pissy one from the Scariest Receptionist In The World yesterday telling us in no uncertain terms that we were to follow the arrows in the car park. I followed her advice as I was pretty certain she'd pop up somewhere with a camera. Yes, really. She's THAT petty. 

She accused me last week of messing with the thermostat in the loo. Wtf? Why would I do that? The fact that she now deems herself some sort of Toilet Policeman is really quite unnerving.


----------



## diwc (Nov 13, 2007)

marty21 said:
			
		

> not exactly a scolding email, but when you work for an organisation spread over several offices, every so often you get the leaving email  i don't know the fucker, just send it to your mates ffs



So annoying.  Fortunately I can disable distribution lists when people resign, so our company isn't subjected to this pap.


----------



## TheDave (Nov 13, 2007)

Not an office email but it made me chuckle.



> All Students
> 
> We have received a report regarding wilful damage to the corridor ceiling by ******* laundry.
> 
> ...



Had that e-mail a few days ago heard nothing further, haven't checked out the damage by the laundrette either.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 19, 2007)

Been a while for me but had one today: 



> *****/*******,
> 
> My understanding is that your teams maintain cover over the lunch period (unless separate arrangements made).
> 
> ...


----------



## g force (Nov 19, 2007)

tribal_princess said:
			
		

> sender is in spain, it came from the head honcho of the entire company!



Budgets that are "ambitious" and "realistic"...oh dear


----------



## ovaltina (Nov 19, 2007)

shiveringcolleague said:
			
		

> After getting the boiler going this morning I HAVE NOW HAD TO TURN IT OFF AGAIN, as a valve is leaking and have had to phone the engineer and waiting for a reply as to when he can come out???
> 
> Sorry I KNOW YOU ARE ALL COLD



Not really a scolding email but worth posting for the lovely use of caps.


----------



## ovaltina (Nov 19, 2007)

somebodywhocannotbearsedtomakeupagoodexcuse said:
			
		

> Dear All,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Good leaving email from last week here.


----------



## marty21 (Nov 19, 2007)

just had an email from someone in the office, 

the subject was



> FW: Please read for your own safety?[Scanned]





> This is an urban myth, as I pointed out when the same warning came around last year.



appears before the original email

but despite this, the person sent to everyone in the office 



> A bit of useful advice - verified by the Dorset Police .
> 
> blah blah blah - ring 112 if unmarked police car tries to pull you over bla blah blah.
> 
> ...



read the whole email you idiot - someone has already pointed out it's a fucking urban myth


----------



## bluestreak (Nov 19, 2007)

Heh, I got sent one of them when I worked in FE, so I replied all with a link to the Snopes story and a smiley face.

They then sent an abusive reply all to every staff member in the place telling me that I was risking people's lives with my idiocy and that this had only happened recently to the friend of a student and that I shouldn't believe everything I read on the internet (referring to Snopes I believe).

Best moron ever.


----------



## moose (Nov 19, 2007)

> All UK Staff -
> Has anyone seen my mug? It's a powder blue Thermos with a maroon lid, and it went missing last Thursday between 4pm and End of Business.
> I'm keen to get it back because Marcus bought it for me when we were on holiday in Sorrento earlier this year.
> I hope this is just an oversight by a colleague who has taken it out of the cupboard in error and failed to return it, however if this turns out to be a prank by any of you, I will be contacting your line manager and there may be repercussions.
> ...


Hopefully there'll be another installment tomorrow


----------



## aqua (Nov 19, 2007)

lol


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 19, 2007)

I bet there's a ransom note issued for the mug.

I'm sure Marcus will pay up


----------



## beeboo (Nov 19, 2007)

moose said:
			
		

> Hopefully there'll be another installment tomorrow



That is a wind-up surely?


----------



## 5t3IIa (Nov 20, 2007)

Well? Have any _repercussions_ happened yet?

e2a: Sorry, I'll wait until 2pm


----------



## moose (Nov 22, 2007)

Well, I assume it wasn't returned, as she's now printed out the email and stuck it in prominent places in the kitchens round the building 
Several spoof ones have been put up too, including this:

'Has anyone seen my paperclip? It's a silver-coloured wire paperclip in a paperclippy shape, and it went missing last Thursday between 4pm and End of Business. 
I'm keen to get it back because Marcus stole it for me when we were in Office World earlier this year. 
I hope this is just an oversight by a colleague who has taken it off one of my documents in error and failed to return it, however if this turns out to be a prank by any of you, I will be contacting your line manager and there may be repercussions. 
I expect the paperclip to be returned to my desk by 2pm tomorrow, in an unmangled condition.'


----------



## Structaural (Nov 22, 2007)

*grin*


----------



## Badgers (Nov 22, 2007)

Not a 'scolding' email but it amused me: 



> I know its short notice, but does anyone fancy a quick beer after work ? If not you are sending me to a living hell of "bath time"
> 
> Cheers



He has three young children


----------



## 5t3IIa (Nov 22, 2007)

Badgers said:
			
		

> Not a 'scolding' email but it amused me:
> 
> 
> 
> He has three young children




That sounds  You going?


----------



## Andy the Don (Nov 22, 2007)

Sent to all staff after a fire alarm yesterday..



> Please, when there is a fire alarm, don’t phone the general office to find out what is happening. You won’t get an answer.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 23, 2007)

Somebody is not happy today....



> Though I thought it has always been clear, I have been asked to clarify the situation regarding eating in the office.
> 
> The working day is deemed to have started at 09.00.  So those who eat breakfast in the office, please eat in the kitchen area and be finished by then.  For the avoidance of doubt … anyone sitting at their desks after 09.00 munching bowls of cereal is out of line.


----------



## Cloo (Nov 23, 2007)

Yes, it's always awkward when someone sends round some Snopes-type tale or else one of those 'virus warnings' that prompt people to remove some vital app from their computer. I try not to heap any ignominy upon the original circulator if I'm the one who clocks it first, but I know some people aren't as kind!


----------



## hendo (Nov 26, 2007)

Badgers said:
			
		

> Somebody is not happy today....



That is superb.


----------



## May Kasahara (Nov 26, 2007)

Get back to work you cereal-munching bastards! 

Whoever wrote that would have a stroke in my office, there's someone eating a bowl of cornflakes right now.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 27, 2007)

The cereal-gate situation is amusing... 

I might try eating a cereal bar at 09:15 today to test where the line is drawn


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 27, 2007)

Well, how did the line drawing go?


----------



## 5t3IIa (Nov 28, 2007)

And the powder blue Thermos with a maroon lid?


----------



## Badgers (Nov 28, 2007)

equationgirl said:
			
		

> Well, how did the line drawing go?



Could not get a cereal bar


----------



## moose (Nov 28, 2007)

5t3IIa said:
			
		

> And the powder blue Thermos with a maroon lid?


Showed up at the back of a cupboard - someone had put it in the dishwasher and it had gone all funny, so they'd hidden the evidence 

Hopefully Marcus will take her to Sorrento again to get a replacement. 

I'm enjoying this one this week:



> Re: Holiday Party
> Hate to be a wet blanket here, but in my past experience I have shied away from including non-employees at company events. Reason being that these freelancers are not covered under our worker’s compensation insurance. If a freelancer is hurt at the event, could be a potential problem. The odds are extremely small this could happen, although where food and drink are involved, who knows? just felt I had an obligation to tell you about my thoughts. If you want to go in this direction, including the freelancers, I am fine with it (and I will watch all evening to make sure they are safe, at all times)


----------



## KeyboardJockey (Nov 28, 2007)

'You may be aware that several data discs went missing in transit from HMRC to the National Audit Office could you please search all drawers cupboards etc to see if these discs were inadvertently delivered to your offices by mistake'


----------



## May Kasahara (Nov 28, 2007)

That is fantastic moose  I especially like the devil-may-care tone here:



> the odds are extremely small this could happen, although where food and drink are involved, who knows?



and think I may start using this justification at every opportunity that my random outbursts demand it:



> just felt I had an obligation to tell you about my thoughts


----------



## skyscraper101 (Nov 28, 2007)

This proximity of the date on this thread to exactly one year ago when it was started threw me somewhat, I started reading it again thinking 'I'm sure this exact thread has been done before!'

dur


----------



## Pieface (Nov 28, 2007)

It's still one of my favourites


----------



## Badgers (Nov 28, 2007)

PieEye said:
			
		

> It's still one of my favourites



It is rare that I start a thread that makes it past the first page


----------



## Pieface (Nov 28, 2007)

this one is a gem of petty office politics - it gives rare insight to the human mind


----------



## sorearm (Nov 28, 2007)

I love this thread and read it when I can ... moose - the blue thermos scolding email is priceless, loving the paperclip spoof, fantastic!

... all that was needed was ransom pictures appearing over the building with pictures of the blue mug!!! he he


----------



## dolly's gal (Nov 28, 2007)

imagine if you sent a sad-case email to your colleagues and then read it back on this thread  

i'm always sending anal emails about proceedures and the likes - wouldn't suprise me if one of mine ended up on here


----------



## May Kasahara (Nov 28, 2007)

dolly's gal said:
			
		

> imagine if you sent a sad-case email to your colleagues and then read it back on this thread



Haha, I was thinking that earlier 

I always feel a bit of a fraud reading this thread, because no one at my work ever sends scolding emails so I have nothing to contribute. Everyone there is so bloody nice and supportive all the time, it's all "sponsor me to run the marathon" or "I've left some chocolates in the kitchen - just because! Help yourself, everybody" or "if you want any of the books I've left in the common room, just leave a donation in the Oxfam tin - if you want!"


----------



## marty21 (Nov 28, 2007)

Badgers said:
			
		

> Somebody is not happy today....



we had a similar one today from my manager today when everyone was late and he had to answer the phones he is going to bring it up at the next team meeting for "discussion and resolution" 

(rarely in before 9.15 )


----------



## 5t3IIa (Nov 29, 2007)

Badgers said:
			
		

> It is rare that I start a thread that makes it past the first page




It's excellent  The 'go and sneeze in his bin' bit still makes me lol.

The only All Employees emails I get are from the IT chappy who is the most articulate IT chappy ever so they're sane and readable. I've had someone elses blue mug with a face on it from weeks and no-ones moaned


----------



## marty21 (Nov 29, 2007)

> -----Original Message-----
> From: workbasedidiotperson
> Sent: 26 November 2007 10:19
> To: Everyone
> ...



edited slightly to protect the stupid - i didn't see the original one which was your normal panicky forwarded email about an ambulance thing - obviously he has the time in his busy schedule to forward stupid emails

and i will defend to the death a person's right to forward email hoaxes to thousands of people, it's a human right innit


----------



## 5t3IIa (Nov 29, 2007)

Got one! We been _scolded_ by IT chappy! 




			
				IT Chappy said:
			
		

> Morning all
> 
> Apologies for the login delays this morning as it was partly my fault.  To cut a long story short I was doing some background testing yesterday and was distracted by someone demanding immediate assistance with a Word document which caused me to forget to reset the "Terminal Servers Load Balancer" to its live/production setting.  This meant that instead of spreading the load across a number of servers, everyone was trying to use one single server and "the computer said no".
> 
> ...



He's _lovely_


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 29, 2007)

'computer says no'


----------



## mauvais (Nov 29, 2007)

We got a quality briefing the other day.




			
				briefing said:
			
		

> Please note that the spam repository folder is only for spam. Please do not put messages that are not spam into the spam repository folder, such as those from [the CEO]






			
				briefing said:
			
		

> Please note that health and safety regulations apply to Christmas office decorations. If you are going to make use of ladders, please read the Health And Safety Ladder Usage Policy.


----------



## May Kasahara (Nov 30, 2007)

Fantastic! At last, I have something to post here 




			
				Office Manager said:
			
		

> Hi all
> 
> Just a gentle reminder that the cleaners are geared up for a purge tonight on desk cleaning. Please leave your desk as clear as possible and it will be given a thorough polish.
> 
> ...







			
				annoying busybody in my office said:
			
		

> Thanks Office Manager
> 
> But I often think that there must be a better alternative to polish - given that our desks aren't wood.  I'm sure that a film of polish gets on to the mouse mats because of the rapid build-up I get on the 'feet' under my mouse.  This spray must surely get into the keyboards as well?  Not sure how technology friendly this is.
> 
> It's great that the desks get cleaned, but wouldn't some other method be preferable?







			
				random person 1 said:
			
		

> The cleaners are more than happy to just wipe your desk with a damp cloth most days if you leave a note on your desk saying 'please do not polish'







			
				random person 2 said:
			
		

> this conversation is ridiculous







			
				pissed off director's PA said:
			
		

> Thanks for the extra work we’ve now got deleting this string of e-mails from Directorate e-mail boxes when clearly they have much more difficult [organisation-relevant] issues to deal with, than what materials are used to clean desks.
> 
> Please think before you reply to e-mails – does everyone need to know about your thoughts/worries?  Why not just respond to the individual who sent the e-mail.


----------



## Treacle Toes (Nov 30, 2007)

May Kasahara said:
			
		

> Fantastic! At last, I have something to post here


 Oh dear!


----------



## Wintermute (Nov 30, 2007)

> From: Arsehead McNofriends
> Sent: 14:16
> To: Office
> Subject: Fairies.
> ...



He even included a picture of a fucking fairy, the cunt.


----------



## sorearm (Nov 30, 2007)

Wintermute said:
			
		

> He even included a picture of a fucking fairy, the cunt.


----------



## marty21 (Dec 7, 2007)

*office boat party - cuntstick concerns*



> pr person ---- A few people have said that they are worried about the weather this evening so I have checked with Thames Luxury Charters who own the boat to put your minds at rest.  We will be on a large very stable vessel which used to be based in Sweden (where the whether is much worse than here!) and does not lurch around if the water is a little bit choppy – so there should be no need to worry about sea sickness!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Of ffs - go or don't go, don't fucking whack on about the fucking weather, weather fucking happens 



> pr person -----
> 
> Hi All
> 
> ...



thank you nice pr person, but you have sent those details on several other emails, and if they can't find their way around london -a place they live and work in, how the fuck do they find their way to the office every fucking day,  they deserve to miss the free drinks and that 



> randon punter - --
> PS.
> 
> Someone has been on this boat and said its beautiful and well worth it



now they're all joining in - it's a boat it goes on the river, people will eat and get pissed, end of


Merry xmas one and all


there may be more of these before the close of play today


----------



## quimcunx (Dec 7, 2007)

Wintermute said:
			
		

> He even included a picture of a fucking fairy, the cunt.




course some might say you are the cunt for not doing your own cunting washing up.


----------



## oryx (Dec 7, 2007)

marty21 said:
			
		

> now they're all joining in - it's a boat it goes on the river, people will eat and get pissed, end of



Just as long as no-one gets b**t h***y and has to be shot  

<sorry>


----------



## Firky (Dec 7, 2007)

Thread of hte year this


----------



## paolo (Dec 7, 2007)

firky said:
			
		

> Thread of hte year this



Isn't it?


----------



## Badgers (Dec 19, 2007)

There has been some ugly rumbling about the office milk situation today. 
No email sent round yet but watch this space for updates.


----------



## marty21 (Dec 19, 2007)

Badgers said:
			
		

> There has been some ugly rumbling about the office milk situation today.
> No email sent round yet but watch this space for updates.


 i am praying for a resolution to your milk crisis, only office-wide one today is the staff raffle, staff who get gifts from tenants/contractors have to give them to HR who have a xmas raffle, strangely the bottle of champagne in the office fridge didn't quite manage to get to HR  the raffle is being drawn in every office with prizes localised, some lucky person in my office could be the winner of a 





tape measure


----------



## hiccup (Dec 27, 2007)

Am just tidying up my desk, and found this letter that was handed out to all staff a few years ago:



> Under the Data protection Act, no one is authorized to access information on other individual’s computers. I understand that there has been computer hacking going on in this office. For example, *****’s computer states that her emails were unread, but upon checking, it was found that her emails had been read on 28/04/04 at 5.29, when there was no one in the office except for maybe ******* and ******.
> 
> We cannot have this unauthorized hacking being continued and request everyone to change their passwords and let me have each individual password on paper. If anyone needs to access information on computers others than their own, they must do so, between 09.00am to 5.00pm.



"Hacking"  
Interesting interpretation of the DPA too.


----------



## t0bytoo (Dec 27, 2007)

> We cannot have this unauthorized hacking being continued and request everyone to change their passwords and let me have each individual password on paper. If anyone needs to access information on computers others than their own, they must do so, between 09.00am to 5.00pm.
> 
> 
> "Hacking"
> Interesting interpretation of the DPA too.



Sounds like he's the hacker: "Let me have each individual password on paper". 
And they *won't* be the same passwords as private email addresses, online banking, random websites, etc?


----------



## hiccup (Dec 27, 2007)

t0bytoo said:
			
		

> Sounds like he's the hacker: "Let me have each individual password on paper".
> And they *won't* be the same passwords as private email addresses, online banking, random websites, etc?



Fortunately, everyone had the good sense to ignore the letter completely.


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 27, 2007)

Someone in my organisation asked IT for access to a number of colleagues' email accounts, on the grounds that he needed to monitor them for 'security reasons'.

IT told him to GTF.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 7, 2008)

First of 2008................




> A couple of reminders to us all …
> 
> *1) Reporting Absence*
> 
> ...



Nice to be back to work


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jan 7, 2008)

Badgers said:
			
		

> First of 2008................
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I ahve to call Richard if I'm bunking off my job at the NHS?


----------



## MysteryGuest (Jan 12, 2008)

*cleaning fridges is important*

"As you are aware, because your fridge is the responsibility of [MG's employer], we have to comply with strict Health & Safety rules for staff, visitors and company protection.  Our cleaning and defrosting procedures apply in all our London and Midlands premises, without exception.  I must ask you to inform me why [MG's office] is a special case and how you intend to work with us to comply with Health & Safety standards.

In the interests of working together, I have asked that your fridge not be defrosted this time.  I do, however, require you to convince me how we can achieve the desired cleaning schedule without increased costs.

I have to be honest and say, at the moment, I do not accept this as a special case, but am prepared to listen and be convinced."


----------



## Badgers (Jan 15, 2008)

This one is a fucking gem!!!!!!!!!!



> As I’m sure you all remember there was a consignment of umbrellas that **** brought back from Scotland last year, that were to be considered office umbrellas for communal use.
> 
> I would appear that most of them have found their way out of the office and now reside in people’s homes.  Since they were supposed to stay in the office and the rainy season appears to be upon us, **** has requested that they be brought back to the office.
> 
> ...


----------



## dolly's gal (Jan 15, 2008)

pmsl! what action will be taken if you don't bring them back?! how will they know who's got them?! maybe they'll call the police and get them to search the homes of those employees they suspect might be harvesting the brollys?!


----------



## Badgers (Jan 15, 2008)

Replies are now starting to come too add to the fun: 

*First*



> That goes for the one that was under my desk and now isn't - can the person who took it please give it back!



*Second*



> Can we not make this into a soap opera. I am not interested in brolly's talk.


----------



## Kanda (Jan 15, 2008)

I just sent this to all 



> Veiwing porn sites because you are bored IS likely to fill your computer with Viruses and Spyware. You will not be considered priority if you do this, your computer will not be fixed quickly. We have better things to do, as probably you do.
> 
> Cheers
> 
> Kanda


----------



## quimcunx (Jan 15, 2008)

Has anyone yet pointed out yet that you don't have better things to do?


----------



## ovaltina (Jan 15, 2008)

Fridge update. Oh dear.




			
				Pissed off said:
			
		

> The food fridge was only cleaned out last week by me washing it with anti bacterial cleaner/ bicarbonate of soda and by *** throwing the old food away. There is allot of food in this fridge and it needs to be kept cold, so the bacteria does not multiply, which causes the bad smell ie a minimum of  5 on the dial. This is constantly being turned down lower than this and guess what we again have a smelly fridge, so I HOPE THIS EXPLAINS WHY!


----------



## moose (Jan 15, 2008)

> Please note that any sandwiches left over from client meetings are to be shared amongst the team _for lunch only_, and should not be taken home for consumption by your family.


----------



## Kanda (Jan 15, 2008)

Papingo said:
			
		

> Has anyone yet pointed out yet that you don't have better things to do?



No, that's the illusion I maintain


----------



## Badgers (Jan 16, 2008)

No umbrellas have reappeared yet.... 
The tension is unbearable!


----------



## Structaural (Jan 16, 2008)

Look at what wanky prose we get emailed every month from the American CEO (it's always the same - for the past 2 years):



> What if we were a network that celebrated the idea as well as the ad?
> 
> What if, instead of trying to create ads that changed the category, we
> decided there were no categories?
> ...



What? You cunt!

Bet he rides a Chopper too...


----------



## Yu_Gi_Oh (Jan 16, 2008)

Bloody hell, Structaural!  That's insane!!


----------



## May Kasahara (Jan 16, 2008)

Plus, the answer to all those 'what ifs?' is probably "You'd go bust within a year".


----------



## Chairman Meow (Jan 16, 2008)

Structaural said:
			
		

> Look at what wanky prose we get emailed every month from the American CEO (it's always the same - for the past 2 years):
> 
> 
> 
> ...



My god. Its true what they say, there always is someone worse off than yourself. 

(((((((structural))))))


----------



## SubComandante (Jan 18, 2008)

this one has just been posted on my works website, what a fowl thing to do (I'm here all week....)



> Chicken Taken
> Can the person who took or mistakenly took the chicken fillets(sue and her mother's tea) out of 2nd floor kitchen fridge, please put it back. If not I hope it give's you indigestion.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 18, 2008)

The nursery outing to Paris...



> Have a wonderful time tomorrow & apologies that I won't be joining you until Sunday …. Not wanting to be a party pooper but could I remind you that you are representing ***** ***** & to drink in moderation …. And please do not wonder of on your own make sure there is always at least two of you together at all times - Paris is a major international city so please be aware & safe guard your personal belongings
> Have a safe journey & I look forward to seeing you all on Sunday


----------



## prunus (Jan 18, 2008)

Bahnhof Strasse said:
			
		

> The nursery outing to Paris...





> And please do not wonder of on your own make sure there is always at least two of you together at all times - Paris is a major international city so please be aware & safe guard your personal belongings



Is this actually a nursery, or is this for adults???


----------



## Chairman Meow (Jan 18, 2008)

Bahnhof Strasse said:
			
		

> The nursery outing to Paris...



Fuck sake - its Paris not Chechnya!


----------



## miss direct (Jan 18, 2008)

Dear All

When I came to work here in April I brought with my own knife, fork, spoon, dish, plate and cup for my personal use, although I didn’t mind if someone else used them as long as they put them back nice and clean for me to use when I want them. On a few occasions I’ve found my things have been used by someone else and left on the side dirty, but today when I went into the cupboard for my nice clean utensils, not only did I find that someone had been using them, but the knife had been put back dirty, it’s one thing to use other peoples property and leave it for someone else to wash up, but to put it back dirty is disgusting, so whoever you are keep your hands off my stuff in future


----------



## quimcunx (Jan 18, 2008)

Bahnhof Strasse said:
			
		

> The nursery outing to Paris...




Do you currently work and live in a small remote island?


----------



## May Kasahara (Jan 18, 2008)

miss direct said:
			
		

> Dear All
> 
> When I came to work here in April I brought with my own knife, fork, spoon, dish, plate and cup for my personal use, although I didn’t mind if someone else used them as long as they put them back nice and clean for me to use when I want them. On a few occasions I’ve found my things have been used by someone else and left on the side dirty, but today when I went into the cupboard for my nice clean utensils, not only did I find that someone had been using them, but the knife had been put back dirty, it’s one thing to use other peoples property and leave it for someone else to wash up, but to put it back dirty is disgusting, so whoever you are keep your hands off my stuff in future



 Keep 'em in your desk if they mean that much to you, clean freak! (not you miss direct)


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 18, 2008)

Papingo said:
			
		

> Do you currently work and live in a small remote island?




  WC2!


----------



## Callie (Jan 18, 2008)

Oh dear  

we have a whine list at work where issues to be brought up for discussion in our lab meetings are jotted down. i write on it too much  if i had one to hand id give some examples but it usually gets filled up when im in a bad mood or fed up at work full of stuff like 'PLEASE REFILL THINGS WHEN YOU USE THE LAST ONE' 'PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE DELIVERIES YOU HAVE SIGNED FOR ON THE FLOOR FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO PUT AWAY'


I am a horror for this sort of thing, i just cant help myself sometimes


----------



## baldrick (Jan 18, 2008)

one that i just wrote:

----------------------------------------------------------------------

If you need people to call you, please start giving out the main number (which is *** ****) instead of your direct line.  

I do not have the facility to pick up calls from other phones, it is easier to take messages when i am at my own desk and I can't always reach your phone in time to answer.

Also it gets really quite annoying when you receive a lot of calls.

thanks v much


----------



## Andy the Don (Jan 18, 2008)

Monday's fire drill obviously did not go as well as it should have..

Dear all,

Please take not of the following issues that need to be addressed as a result of the Fire Evacuation on Monday14th January.


<LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3">Could all staff please read the Fire Evacuation Procedure on the back of your class room door.
( if missing or defaced please contact Mr xxxxxxx) <LI class=MsoNormal style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo3">Apart from the offices on the ground floor all other staff and pupils should exit via the Fire Exits at the bottom of each staircase.
The Atrium is not part of the Evacuation route. 
If you encounter a blocked Evacuation route please follow signs to the next nearest Fire Exit *and once outside the building let premises staff know(?)
*
If you are unsure of anything please let me know.
 
Many thanks

xxxxxxx


----------



## genee_rave (Jan 18, 2008)

*Parking Rage*

My office is far too relaxed for scolding emails but this just came around to all offices in our site:

"All

It has been noticed by a number of people that the following cars are
being parked in visitors spaces for whole days:

(lists loads of cars and numberplates)

Visitors spaces are for visitors only.

Please take note - Action will be taken against these offenders (whilst
awaiting the introduction of the clamping regime) by applying the
“difficult to remove windscreen sticker” which will cause inconvenience
and delay to the vehicle user.

The rules are simple: each unit has a fixed and allocated number of spaces
(a note of which can be found in your lease).  Staff not specifically
provided with one of these spaces by the occupying company, have to make
alternative arrangements OFF site.

Thank you"


Then someone replied with a good un!


"Hello

A friend works with *** Cycles and they have an offer which might
interest people with that unfortunate, but increasing personality trait -
*** Parking Rage.

The system offers cost reductions and is backed by Gov subsidy - SO
POTENTIALLY GOOD FOR POCKETS AND CARBON FOOTPRINTS.

I'm thinking it might be good to invite my pal to explain the system in
our workshop or in the bar one day next week.

Can anyone tell me if this has been offered before? Might your company be
sufficiently interested to come to find out about PARKING RAGE RELIEF? If
so - What time of day is most likely to get the best attendance?

Please say if you'd be up for a brief info session.

Best wishes"


----------



## Schmetterling (Jan 19, 2008)

Yay, finally I can regale you with a Wankfest e-mail:

SENT ON BEHALF OF ***** ******, CORPORATE DIRECTOR OF RESOURCES

Dear All

Just a short message to say HELLO!

Apologies for the global nature of this email, but I didn't want my first day at 'Local Authority' to pass me by without introducing myself to my new colleagues - namely all of you! As you may or may not be aware, I have joined the Council as the Corporate Director of Resources. I've previously been working as a Director at the London Borough of 'Another Local Authority' and 'a further Local Authority', although I did live in 'Local Authority' for 10 years until recently.

Obviously I'm looking to spend a chunk of my time in the coming weeks getting to know the organisation. I'm based on the 4th Floor in 'Local Authority Place' so if you see me in the building please feel free to come over and say hello. I'm also fixing up some opportunities to get out of the Town Hall and meet some service delivery teams. If not now, hopefully our paths will cross sometime soon.

I'm really excited to be "in the building" after what feels like a very long notice period with my previous council. I feel passionately about the contribution the Council, with its partners, can make to the lives of the people of the Borough and beyond. I'm looking forward to playing my part with you all in taking the Borough forward.

 Best wishes

*****
___________

Poor fuck!


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 19, 2008)

That sounded quite pleasant to me.

My corporate reprogramming must have taken hold mor than I thought


----------



## cliche guevara (Jan 23, 2008)

Not an email, but posted on the back of the cubicle doors in the mens toilets in my office.



> *HEALTH AND SAFETY NOTICE*
> 
> PLEASE FLUSH THE TOILET BEFORE EXITING THE CUBICLE
> 
> ...



Dirty bastards where i work.


----------



## marty21 (Jan 23, 2008)

A Woman at another office said:
			
		

> subject:FGM(Female Genital Mutilation)
> 
> Dear All
> 
> ...



sent to us all, followed by this one




			
				A Bloke at another office said:
			
		

> should the intranet be used for advertisment of this sort? i Think this should be circulated between people relevant or interested in this type of subject, not all xxxx staff!



then, silence


----------



## dolly's gal (Jan 23, 2008)

Marty, no! Tell me he was joking!


----------



## bluestreak (Jan 23, 2008)

marty, send a reply all that says nothing but "FGB is relevant to MY interests".


----------



## marty21 (Jan 23, 2008)

i dunno, i think it could be the start of a love story between the two of them, that's why it went quiet


----------



## Gromit (Jan 23, 2008)

cliche guevara said:
			
		

> Not an email, but posted on the back of the cubicle doors in the mens toilets in my office.
> 
> Dirty bastards where i work.


 
I feel this is a result of government stupidity. The government have reduced the amount of water that can be allowed to be used in a single flush. For the sake of water conservation.

However that amount often isn't enough and people have to flush twice or even three times (cause the power has gone out of the flush), using more water than the single powerful flushes we used to have in the past.

Anyone know where i can buy a working toilet from 15 years ago? They were far superior.


----------



## rennie (Jan 23, 2008)

I'll dig up a few recent ones from work tomorrow when I'm in.


----------



## Xanadu (Jan 23, 2008)

Marius said:
			
		

> I feel this is a result of government stupidity. The government have reduced the amount of water that can be allowed to be used in a single flush. For the sake of water conservation.
> 
> However that amount often isn't enough and people have to flush twice or even three times (cause the power has gone out of the flush), using more water than the single powerful flushes we used to have in the past.
> 
> Anyone know where i can buy a working toilet from 15 years ago? They were far superior.


Thought new toilets had two flush settings - no1 and no2


*snigger*


----------



## ada (Jan 24, 2008)

I work in an office full of economists.

The notice stuck on a jar of coffee in our kitchen:

'Please note: this coffee resource is managed on a contributory basis. Please do not take out if you've not put in!'

Yeah, you tell those free riders that their behaviour is risking creating Pareto inefficiency!

[Perhaps only funny if you know economists, though? Hmm.]


----------



## GoneCoastal (Jan 24, 2008)

ada said:
			
		

> I work in an office full of economists.
> 
> The notice stuck on a jar of coffee in our kitchen:
> 
> ...


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jan 24, 2008)

cliche guevara said:
			
		

> Not an email, but posted on the back of the cubicle doors in the mens toilets in my office.
> 
> 
> 
> Dirty bastards where i work.



We once had to put a similar one in the ladies loo asking that people make sure that they wiped down the toilet seat after use.

Basically there was a girl who worked here who must have 'hovered' over the loo seat when having a wee so that it sprayed everywhere then didn't bother to clean it up after she'd done.

Sadly my suggeston to go directly to the dirty ho - as we all knew who it was - and tell her to sit her arse firmly down when she had a piss was vetoed in favour of a general notice. Which is probably why I don't work in HR or PR


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Jan 24, 2008)

Xanadu said:
			
		

> Thought new toilets had two flush settings - no1 and no2
> 
> 
> *snigger*



offtopic: A friend came round when I moved into my current flat and exclaimed as he left the bathroom
"wow! that's really posh, they have a flush either side of the toilet so you can use it if you are left or right handed!!!"


----------



## marty21 (Jan 25, 2008)

*the award for the dullest email of the year so far goes to:*




			
				Accounts dept said:
			
		

> Dear all,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




it's friday and the day will just not end


----------



## quimcunx (Jan 25, 2008)

Marius said:


> Anyone know where i can buy a working toilet from 15 years ago? They were far superior.




If you find 2 let me know, I'll take the other one.    6 litres. Psh.


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Jan 25, 2008)

marty21 said:


> it's friday and the day will just not end


 
As a freelancer, I'd say: hoorah for your accounts department. Sign your fucking invoices off, everyone.


----------



## ovaltina (Jan 25, 2008)

BLAH said:
			
		

> Dear All,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It's not really a scolding email. It's a mundane email, but it offers a fascinating insight into my day. There are bits of photocopier everywhere and there's a confused-looking bloke with a spanner. I can't be arsed to go to the pub. Three hours to go.


----------



## sam/phallocrat (Jan 25, 2008)

This is what happens when you get cunts in facilities trying to bully people out of room bookings . . .



> Hi ****,
> I have been approached by ******.  I thank you for arranging Fire lectures on ***** days, as previously discussed.
> With regard to venues, it is my view that you cannot just bump other groups out of pre-booked rooms.  I appreciate the difficulties, and have asked ***** to see if there is an alternative location for **********, but until and unless she relinquishes the room it is not available for fire lectures.
> If you have a mandate that determines that fire lectures can displace other activities, please advise me of that authority.
> ...



That's actually incredibly dull, in hindsight.  I need to find more to do.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Jan 25, 2008)

ovaltina said:


> It's not really a scolding email. It's a mundane email, but it offers a fascinating insight into my day. There are bits of photocopier everywhere and there's a confused-looking bloke with a spanner. I can't be arsed to go to the pub. Three hours to go.



In my old job we used to get those on average four times a day, every day. "Canon Colour Copier 1 is being repaired, can you not use it please." "Canon Colour Copier 1 has now been repaired, you can use it." "Jill from Marketing is doing a big print run on the Epson in the print room, please do not use it for the next half hour." They sent them out to the entire company, too, even those of us in a completely different office.

Maybe there should be a thread for "crushingly mundane office emails".


----------



## ovaltina (Jan 25, 2008)

FridgeMagnet said:


> there should be a thread for "crushingly mundane office emails".



ftw!


----------



## marty21 (Jan 25, 2008)

Maurice Picarda said:


> As a freelancer, I'd say: hoorah for your accounts department. Sign your fucking invoices off, everyone.



i do now, after the bailiffs turned up one day because of me


----------



## GoneCoastal (Jan 29, 2008)

Not a scolding email but a sign on the vending machines

NOTICE Please do not put spent spent fluids in the vending machine, please use the  bin next to it"


----------



## bluestreak (Jan 30, 2008)

These emails are proof that people simply do not learn:

MEMBERS OF STAFF WHO USE THE FRIDGE

I HAVE BOUGHT A BOTTLE OF MILK CLEARLY MARKED DO NOT USE

BUT OF COURSE YOU (WHO EVER YOU ARE) FELT THE NEED  NOT TO TAKE ANY NOTICE AND USE IT ANYWAY.

ONLY USE WHAT YOU BUY AND PLACE IN THE FRIDGE​


----------



## ovaltina (Jan 30, 2008)

More fridge trouble!



SOMEONE NICE said:


> Has someone stolen a can of coke that belongs to **** from the fridge?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Brainaddict (Jan 30, 2008)

I agree bluestreak. Most of all they should learn that paying out 40p every few days is much less hassle than stressing about incredibly minor violations of your property rights.


----------



## Crispy (Jan 30, 2008)

Drinking black coffee helps.


----------



## Jim Williams (Jan 30, 2008)

Crispy said:


> Drinking black coffee helps.



It does... but it's still my job to go and get the milk for everyone else.

The surprise when they run out is quite comical.


----------



## aqua (Jan 30, 2008)

not drinking coffee helps


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jan 30, 2008)

SouthCoaster said:


> Not a scolding email but a sign on the vending machines
> 
> NOTICE Please do not put spent spent fluids in the vending machine, please use the  bin next to it"



I'm sorry but "spent fluids" has really only one connotation in my mind


----------



## Brainaddict (Jan 30, 2008)

ada said:


> I work in an office full of economists.
> 
> The notice stuck on a jar of coffee in our kitchen:
> 
> ...


Unfortunately I do, and there's nothing funny about it. My office colleague the other day asked me whether, if you shop for yourself and a friend and get a bunch of discounts, should you charge the friend for half the price you paid, or for half the full price? His justification for doing the latter is that it was you that made the judicious consumption decisions and you might therefore be entitled to reap the rewards of your decisions in their entirety.

I told him that no human being would ask that question - only an economist.


----------



## Santino (Jan 30, 2008)

Brainaddict said:


> I told him that no human being would ask that question - only an economist.


I hope you told him with your fist.


----------



## fractionMan (Jan 30, 2008)

heh


----------



## ethel (Jan 30, 2008)

Brainaddict said:


> Unfortunately I do, and there's nothing funny about it. My office colleague the other day asked me whether, if you shop for yourself and a friend and get a bunch of discounts, should you charge the friend for half the price you paid, or for half the full price? His justification for doing the latter is that it was you that made the judicious consumption decisions and you might therefore be entitled to reap the rewards of your decisions in their entirety.
> 
> I told him that no human being would ask that question - only an economist.



god, your work is odd.


(says the person who is off to be an accountant.


----------



## PursuedByBears (Jan 30, 2008)

From Mrs Bears' workplace: 

Dear Colleagues

Further to the installation of the recycling bins around the
Management School building, **** from the University's Safety
Office and has now held a meeting with ****, the
Environmental Manager from Estates.  Several bins have been
repositioned and we have now received the go-ahead to implement the
recycling programme with effect from Monday 4th February 2008.  From
this date, under desk bins will cease to be emptied by cleaning staff
and all staff will need to empty their under desk bin into the
appropriate recycling bins.  This scheme will be implemented in the
George Fox and Engineering Buildings next month.   I'm sure you join
me in welcoming this environmental initiative and will support
colleagues as they work to iron out any teething problems. 

The bins are the same modern design as has been previously installed
elsewhere on campus, such as in the refurbished sections of University
House and IAS.  The bins will accept four categories of recyclates and
waste and are clearly labelled to accept the following:

*	Paper, Newspapers & Magazines - (any office paper, newspapers or
magazines)
*	Confidential Paper 
*	Cans and Plastic bottles - (any metal cans and plastic bottles)
*	General Waste - (residual non-recyclable waste)

Other types of waste such as cardboard and glass bottles will need to
be taken direct to an external bin store, the nearest being at the
bottom of Grizedale Avenue, near the Hub Cafe.

The recycling bins have been installed in corridors, lobbies,
kitchens, large offices and communal areas.  A detailed assessment was
undertaken in October to identify appropriate locations for all the
recycle bins.  The locations will be kept under review for a while to
assess usage.  

If you have any question or queries please either contact **** (LUMS Building Officer) or **** (Environment and
Sustainability Manager)


Sweet Jesus


----------



## GoneCoastal (Jan 30, 2008)

QueenOfGoths said:


> I'm sorry but "spent fluids" has really only one connotation in my mind


Yup


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 31, 2008)

I want to know what happens if you try to feed the bin recycleables it shouldn't accept?

Does it beat you over the head with them, or just point and laugh instead?


----------



## stupid kid (Feb 4, 2008)

> You have all failed to submit an essay for IRS last term: there is no copy on
> BB and no hard copy and so you are being awarded a mark of zero.
> 
> *Kind Regards*
> ...



That made me laugh.


----------



## Mr Retro (Feb 5, 2008)

Hi all,

As you are probably aware we keep having problems with the dishwasher breaking down. I think this is mainly due to the fact that the filter keeps getting blocked up with food debris, as there is always loads of rubbish in there when it is taken apart. 

In order to try and make sure this doesn’t happen in future, could you please all ensure that you scrape or rinse your plates/bowls of leftover food before putting them into the dishwasher?

I know it’s a chore, but your co-operation would be very much appreciated. 

Thanks in advance,
xxxxx


----------



## marty21 (Feb 7, 2008)

bluestreak said:


> These emails are proof that people simply do not learn:
> 
> MEMBERS OF STAFF WHO USE THE FRIDGE
> 
> ...


 that reminds me of student shared fridges -  luckily we get free  milk, although on monday there wasn't any, so i bought a big bottle and watched sadly as others used it


----------



## Kanda (Feb 7, 2008)

Mr Retro said:


> Hi all,
> 
> As you are probably aware we keep having problems with the dishwasher breaking down. I think this is mainly due to the fact that the filter keeps getting blocked up with food debris, as there is always loads of rubbish in there when it is taken apart.
> 
> ...


 
Wash your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher??? fuksake!!


----------



## Treacle Toes (Feb 7, 2008)

marty21 said:


> that reminds me of student shared fridges -  luckily we get free  milk, although on monday there wasn't any, so i bought a big bottle and watched sadly as others used it



Learn to share!


----------



## Treacle Toes (Feb 7, 2008)

Kanda said:


> Wash your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher??? fuksake!!



No mate, rinsing is not washing and scraping food off is  a must surely


----------



## marty21 (Feb 7, 2008)

Rutita1 said:


> Learn to share!



every drop was mine


----------



## May Kasahara (Feb 7, 2008)

You should have spat in it, marty


----------



## marty21 (Feb 7, 2008)

May Kasahara said:


> You should have spat in it, marty




i have marked the level with a marker pen, and check every hour -


----------



## bluestreak (Feb 7, 2008)

In places where thieving takes place, every so often leave a trap.  Simply purchase a bottle of whatever it is that gets regularly nicked and lace it with laxatives.  Or wee.  Depending on personal sense of humour.

Then after it has gone missing you can leave a note on the fridge door gloating.  

Repeat every so often for maximum lulz.


----------



## Structaural (Feb 7, 2008)

bluestreak said:


> In places where thieving takes place, every so often leave a trap.  Simply purchase a bottle of whatever it is that gets regularly nicked and lace it with laxatives.  Or wee.  Depending on personal sense of humour.
> 
> Then after it has gone missing you can leave a note on the fridge door gloating.
> 
> Repeat every so often for maximum lulz.



Evil!


----------



## Cloo (Feb 7, 2008)

Here’s a variation on the theme. One workmate who’s been having a lighthearted campaign against the grubbiness of some parts of the office, especially the loo, sent round this comment left on one of our education websites in a joking spirit:




> Just look at the base line of spreading noro in the school setting, you were talking about bugs.
> Poorly maintained toilets, with no soap or towels, ruled by the disaffected so lingering to wash hands is dangerous.
> Move forward to University, e-mails and posters advising students to wash their hands after toileting, a skill they never developed.
> Move on again to Doctors in hospitals, infection spreading vectors because they learned never to wash their hands at school.
> ...




A rather silly old biddy of a colleague then responded, dead seriously, with this epic:



> I totally agree with the idea that we should wash hands always below, but not the CCTV idea to police it – you need to educate people so they WANT to wash their hands.
> 
> And not only handwashing after the toilet but… the number of times people look at me like I am from another planet every time I go to wash my hands before I eat something always amazes me. I was always brought up to wash hands before eating. Think of it this way. If you go to the loo at work and do not wash your hands after you spread toilet germs through all the doors in the building
> (and therefore to other people, then when you sit down and work at your own pc you put germs on your keyboard. So, even if you wash your hands before you eat your lunch at your desk, if for any reason you touch the keyboard eg someone calls with a query you have to answer, you have toilet germs straight away all over your hands and then you start eating again after you answered the query! Ugh! It only takes one person not to wash their hands after leaving the loo!
> ...


----------



## boing! (Feb 7, 2008)

Cloo said:


> A rather silly old biddy of a colleague then responded, dead seriously, with this epic:



wtf!


----------



## Dhimmi (Feb 7, 2008)

beeboo said:


> :
> oooh, a "SMEG" fridge.  I love how unnecessary, but telling, that detail is.



Me too, reminds me of something you'd find in Peepshow.


----------



## bluestreak (Feb 7, 2008)

boing! said:


> wtf!


 
this.

clearly bonkers.


----------



## Cloo (Feb 10, 2008)

bluestreak said:


> this.
> 
> clearly bonkers.


Bit of background - this colleague does apparently have a 'neighbour from hell', who she spends her life, her money and her holiday allowance running after (including instillation of CCTV to catch him at a number of annoying harrassing things). I do feel like yelling at her that the best revenge would be to ignore his stupid antics and not devote so much effort to him and thus let herself be bullied, but what can you do?


----------



## ringo (Feb 12, 2008)

Weekly grizzle from this bore:

"Contrary to popular belief… teaspoons do NOT have the ability to grow legs and make their own way from the sink, to the dishwasher!!!!
M*** S******
Kitchen Nazi since 2003"


----------



## May Kasahara (Feb 12, 2008)

Not really a scold, but just got this as one of the workshops offered in our quarterly training programme:



> _"Systems Thinking"_ - two separate workshops aimed at different audiences; presented by [bloke], Finance team.
> 
> Workflow Thinking - 2.00pm - 4.00pm For Managers - learning to see your organisation as a system can yield large benefits in terms of
> capacity and service improvements, lower costs, and improved morale.  This session aims to introduce the concepts to leaders for change.
> ...



Yay


----------



## marty21 (Feb 12, 2008)

May Kasahara said:


> Not really a scold, but just got this as one of the workshops offered in our quarterly training programme:
> 
> 
> 
> Yay



 i feel your pain


----------



## beeboo (Feb 12, 2008)

May Kasahara said:


> Not really a scold, but just got this as one of the workshops offered in our quarterly training programme:
> 
> 
> 
> Yay




*shudder*


----------



## innit (Feb 12, 2008)

The one for support staff sounds quite good


----------



## marty21 (Feb 12, 2008)

make your work more rewarding - a pay rise would probably do that


----------



## moose (Feb 13, 2008)

'Whoever the wag is who deactivated the automatic doors to the first floor kitchen last Wednesday should be aware that several people sustained injuries from walking into the doors. We take this prank very seriously indeed. The switch is for the use of maintenance staff only.'


----------



## Gromit (Feb 13, 2008)

innit said:


> The one for support staff sounds quite good


 
Man you are a sucker.

Running that kind of course is a typical change programme strategy where they want you to do more work for no extra money.

I've sat through enough of them to know.

We used to get given bacon sandwiches at all our change meetings. This from an organisation that is tight as a ducks butt is a mega mega luxury. Tea and cheap biscuits would normally be your lot.

Whenever they cropped up we knew we about to be told something we wouldn't like.

They became to be known by staff as "The Bacon Rolls of Doom". My little contribution to change process.


----------



## innit (Feb 13, 2008)

I'm not a sucker, just keen for anything that encourages the front line staff to get with the program


----------



## Pieface (Feb 13, 2008)

moose said:


> 'Whoever the wag is who deactivated the automatic doors to the first floor kitchen last Wednesday should be aware that several people sustained injuries from walking into the doors. We take this prank very seriously indeed. The switch is for the use of maintenance staff only.'




Oh god bless people who do things like that


----------



## May Kasahara (Feb 13, 2008)

innit said:


> I'm not a sucker, just keen for anything that encourages the front line staff to get with the program



That's fine as long as management are also encouraged to get with the programme. It's hard to find your work rewarding when no one you report to has the first fucking clue how to manage staff.


----------



## marty21 (Feb 13, 2008)

Marius said:


> Man you are a sucker.
> 
> Running that kind of course is a typical change programme strategy where they want you to do more work for no extra money.
> 
> ...



i could do with a bacon roll of doom right now


----------



## oryx (Feb 13, 2008)

Marius said:


> They became to be known by staff as "The Bacon Rolls of Doom".


----------



## cliche guevara (Feb 13, 2008)

moose said:


> 'Whoever the wag is who deactivated the automatic doors to the first floor kitchen last Wednesday should be aware that several people sustained injuries from walking into the doors. We take this prank very seriously indeed. The switch is for the use of maintenance staff only.'



Everyone who walked into that door deserved their injuries, you'd notice that it wasn't opening, surely?


----------



## souljacker (Feb 14, 2008)

Sadly, not a scolding e-mail, but something equally as funny.

I'm preparing some training for Monday, so have sneaked off into one of the unused offices so I can concentrate (and surf the web without getting caught, obviously). Written on the white board in this office is the following:



> Some people dream of worthy accomplishments.
> People like us stay awake and do them.
> We are the best.
> We are <company name>


 
I don't know whether to laugh, cry or perhaps hand in my notice.


----------



## marty21 (Feb 14, 2008)

we are borg


----------



## bluestreak (Feb 18, 2008)

do incomprehensible emails count?




> HI
> NOT IN 2MRROW BUT BE BACK ON FRIDAY SO PLEASE CAN YOU EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT IT
> THANKS
> KIND REGARDS
> A.COWORKER


----------



## marty21 (Feb 18, 2008)

bluestreak said:


> do incomprehensible emails count?



do you want it sir?


----------



## gabi (Feb 18, 2008)

New sign at work..



> Please do NOT leave glasses, plates or teabags in the sink. Whenever possible please rinse them and put them STRAIGHT in the dishwasher. Except the teabags.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Feb 18, 2008)

bluestreak said:


> do incomprehensible emails count?


----------



## fractionMan (Feb 18, 2008)

Our email systems have been down for the last three days.  Guess what the faulty components called...?

'Neverfail'

lol.  the ironing.


----------



## bluestreak (Feb 18, 2008)

@ Fm!


----------



## ChrisFilter (Feb 18, 2008)

fractionMan said:


> Our email systems have been down for the last three days.  Guess what the faulty components called...?
> 
> 'Neverfail'
> 
> lol.  the ironing.



Neverfail costs a fucking fortune n' all... a standard installation will be in the £100k/£150k region.

Tell your IT dept that Double Take is better


----------



## cliche guevara (Feb 18, 2008)

Saw this and thought of this thread immediately. No idea where it came from.


----------



## Zorra (Feb 21, 2008)

My friend's boss said:
			
		

> During the week I am away, I would like you to spring clean the office and re-organise the filing system.  Please send me a detailed breakdown of tasks plus a timetable






			
				My friend being sarky said:
			
		

> 3. Clearing out cupboard – Monday-Tuesday
> 
> 
> Cataloguing contents of cupboard.
> ...


 



			
				My friend's boss said:
			
		

> Wow this is great! love the adjectives (tidy). Good luck on this.


----------



## chio (Feb 21, 2008)

> we will be holding two separate training sessions this week on how to put a lid back on a biscuit tin ! and how to switch off equipment when you have finished with it ! Hard tasks I know, but unfortunately some people are having great difficulty in carrying them out. If you would like to attend and find this simple task extremely difficult call the office on 5?????9.


----------



## Structaural (Feb 21, 2008)

Zorra said:


>





I think he/she should wash all the paper clips - sounds like that would impress the boss...


----------



## May Kasahara (Feb 21, 2008)

> Dear all,
> 
> It has been brought to my notice again by management that milk supplied by [organisation] for hot drinks is being used by a number of people for breakfast cereals. This is resulting regularly in sites being without milk before the end of the working day, thereby impacting on the majority of people at site. We are currently having 8 litres per day delivered to each site (almost 2 gallons) that is ample for drinks only.
> 
> ...



Those breakfast-eating bastards!


----------



## Zorra (Feb 21, 2008)

Structaural said:


> I think he/she should wash all the paper clips - sounds like that would impress the boss...





I emailed my friend with this splendid suggestion and she emailed her boss (I think she has worked out that she has nothing to lose at this stage)... then:




			
				Her boss said:
			
		

> Good idea and glad you are using your initiative - however, there may be a health and safety implication of this so please stick to those tasks I have approved


----------



## prunus (Feb 21, 2008)

Zorra said:


> I emailed my friend with this splendid suggestion and she emailed her boss (I think she has worked out that she has nothing to lose at this stage)... then:



*Surely* her boss is just taking the piss and is not serious?!???    Perhaps he/she is as aware as anyone of the asinine nature of this stuff, but has to deal with it because of directives from his/her boss?


----------



## Zorra (Feb 21, 2008)

prunus said:


> *Surely* her boss is just taking the piss and is not serious?!???    Perhaps he/she is as aware as anyone of the asinine nature of this stuff, but has to deal with it because of directives from his/her boss?




Nope! Her boss is self-employed... She is a mad academic type so maybe it's just that?


----------



## LJo (Feb 22, 2008)

As someone who has been self-employed for the last five years and worked from home, I would like to thank all the contributors on this thread for helping remind me, during slow periods, exactly why I will never work in an office again.


----------



## May Kasahara (Feb 22, 2008)

I bet you sometimes send yourself snotty emails reminding yourself that milk is supplied *for hot drinks* and *not* for breakfast cereals. Just to relive the old days


----------



## fractionMan (Feb 22, 2008)

ChrisFilter said:


> Neverfail costs a fucking fortune n' all... a standard installation will be in the £100k/£150k region.
> 
> Tell your IT dept that Double Take is better



  Didn't realise that's what it cost.

You know why it failed?  Cos the license is tied to the network adapter, and if that fails then er...  well you can't just stick in a new network adapter, you have to get a new licence as well!

Idiots.


----------



## LJo (Feb 22, 2008)

My favourite from the good old days of office work was the confidential email sent by the HR director to the CEO discussing exactly how to illegally force a section manager out of her job while she was on maternity leave.

The HR hit the 'Send to All' button. Oh, the joy. When I got in, IT were frantically running around shouting to everyone: "Don't turn on your computers! When you do, don't look at your email!"

I am proud to report that I was one of the several people who turned on their email, printed the offending email out and posted it to the section manager, enabling her to get a rather nice payout from the ensuing tribunal.

Not exactly a scolding email but warms the cockles nonetheless.


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 22, 2008)

Nice one LJo


----------



## cyberfairy (Feb 22, 2008)

After having a job where I was actually best mates with the manager who did stuff no-one else wanted to do, I moved to job from hell. I mentioned the fact it felt like a hierarchy sometimes (not used to that sort of thing in job I am in)  to be shown a letter sent to all stuff with Hierarchy at the top and a chain of all staff with me at the bottom.


----------



## Badgers (Feb 27, 2008)

Not been any 'scolding' for a while in my place... 

Guess that means one or more must be due soon!?!?!??


----------



## bouncer_the_dog (Mar 6, 2008)

> Hi Bouncer,
> 
> Underling #1 has just sent through the updated timesheets for Jan-Feb.
> 
> ...



Does this count as scolding? Certainly i feel scolded. I had no idea the stupid excel document im supposed to fill in everyday would result in this! Is this incredibley anal? or am I just a terrible employee trying to rip the company off?


----------



## marty21 (Mar 6, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Not been any 'scolding' for a while in my place...
> 
> Guess that means one or more must be due soon!?!?!??



i'm looking forward to my next one, been a bit quiet on the scolding front lately


----------



## bouncer_the_dog (Mar 6, 2008)

bouncer_the_dog said:


> Does this count as scolding? Certainly i feel scolded. I had no idea the stupid excel document im supposed to fill in everyday would result in this! Is this incredibley anal? or am I just a terrible employee trying to rip the company off?



FWIW I have subsequently discovered that I didn't register the bank holiday as a day off so am three 1/2 hours up.   and


----------



## May Kasahara (Mar 6, 2008)

Aw, I was going to suggest you email your boss with a time repayment plan of 5 minutes per week spread over 48 weeks.


----------



## bouncer_the_dog (Mar 6, 2008)

May Kasahara said:


> Aw, I was going to suggest you email your boss with a time repayment plan of 5 minutes per week spread over 48 weeks.


----------



## Final (Mar 6, 2008)

baldrick said:


> he expects you to sort out his personal internet accounts? and gets arsey when you don't do it?



I used to work for a PLC who's main shareholder treated the whole company like that.  One time the person sitting next to me had to stop doing her own job for 2 days to arrange for him to move carpets and stuff between two of his houses (while her own work was piling up).

I left pretty soon afterwards.  I heard they were de-listed and virtually bankrupt  about a year later.  There is some justice in this world after all.


----------



## Big Jim (Mar 6, 2008)

"Subject: MILK AGAIN

People of Soho!!

How ever is using my MILK F*****G DON'T!!!! There is milk there for you to use for your coffees and teas SO STOP using mine! It is not like I DON'T have my name writing all over it. How would you feel if I kept taking something of YOURS!!!

A very P****D OFF

xxxx"


----------



## DotCommunist (Mar 6, 2008)

God milk facists. Its just fucking milk ffs!


----------



## May Kasahara (Mar 6, 2008)

Since my work sent round the email forbidding us from using work milk for cereal, the delivery has had to be cut back because we're awash with the stuff  Idiots.


----------



## Radar (Mar 6, 2008)

DotCommunist said:


> God milk facists. Its just *someone elses* fucking milk ffs!


fixed 

Try it down the boozer with "Its just fucking beer" and see how you get on !


----------



## Chairman Meow (Mar 6, 2008)

DotCommunist said:


> God milk facists. Its just fucking milk ffs!



Its Mister 'Oh its only a sausage!'


----------



## bluestreak (Mar 6, 2008)

Chairman Meow said:


> Its Mister 'Oh its only a sausage!'


 

Hahaha... "god, it's only a sausage"


----------



## dodgepot (Mar 6, 2008)

DotCommunist said:


> God milk facists. Its just fucking milk ffs!



oooh i hate that. if it's "only milk" - why don't you get yer own!??!? dear oh dear.


----------



## DotCommunist (Mar 6, 2008)

dodgepot said:


> oooh i hate that. if it's "only milk" - why don't you get yer own!??!? dear oh dear.


 


I buy milk! and if its run out I buy more rather than crying about it


----------



## DotCommunist (Mar 6, 2008)

Radar said:


> fixed
> 
> Try it down the boozer with "Its just fucking beer" and see how you get on !


 

bad analogy. Beer is expensive. Milk is not


----------



## hiccup (Mar 6, 2008)

bluestreak said:


> Hahaha... "god, it's only a sausage"



Buut ittsss mmmyyyy fuuuckinng ssaauussage 




Good Lord, I believe I just quoted Ben Elton.


----------



## Chairman Meow (Mar 6, 2008)

hiccup said:


> Buut ittsss mmmyyyy fuuuckinng ssaauussage
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm sorry. I made you do it.


----------



## bouncer_the_dog (Mar 6, 2008)

you gotta drink milk before it goes off! waste not want not


----------



## marty21 (Mar 6, 2008)

*dirty bastards*




			
				 geezer at work said:
			
		

> Colleagues what happened to our agreement not to leave dirty dishes in the sink?  I took the notice down because it was ignored (and I hate having to have notices like that!).  Please can we keep to our agreement.  No dirty dishes or cutlery to be left in the sink.  I vote for that anyway!  Geezer



must admit i put a spoon in the sink today after making a coffee but tbh it wasn't my fault, it was one of those dirty cereal eaters someone had cereal at their desk this morning and left the dirty bowl in the sink, it was full of water and spoons


----------



## Radar (Mar 6, 2008)

DotCommunist said:


> bad analogy. Beer is expensive. Milk is not


OK, their packet of crisps then   Only 10p more than a pint of milk but I still bet you'd be wearing a pint glass if you tried it with the wrong person 

Fancy a field trip to investigate ?? I'll hold the camcorder and even ring the ambulance! You can't say fairer than that.

Mind you, I get to choose the pub


----------



## DotCommunist (Mar 6, 2008)

Radar said:


> OK, their packet of crisps then  Only 10p more than a pint of milk but I still bet you'd be wearing a pint glass if you tried it with the wrong person
> 
> Fancy a field trip to investigate ?? I'll hold the camcorder and even ring the ambulance! You can't say fairer than that.
> 
> Mind you, I get to choose the pub


 
pubs aren't the same as offices.


----------



## clandestino (Mar 10, 2008)

*subscribes*


----------



## hektik (Mar 12, 2008)

> *some guy at work*
> 
> Is there a particular reason why the person who had soup left the lid, foil and pot in the kitchen when the bin is approximately 1 meter away?
> 
> We all use the kitchen so it would be nice if everyone made that little bit of effort to just put stuff in the bin when they've finished



heh - cue lots of emails back: "maybe his arms fell off?" etc etc.


----------



## quimcunx (Mar 12, 2008)

DotCommunist said:


> bad analogy. Beer is expensive. Milk is not



It is when you're the one buying it and 20 other people are drinking it. 


The poor office monkeys who get lumbered with having to send the scolding emails (the ones about milk and kitchen tidiness) get my sympathy.  

It's like calling the person who lent you a tenner and would like it back now, 3 months later as they don't have any money for food, a cunt.  No.  You are the cunt.   

*hides vienetta from Dot*


----------



## Mr_Nice (Mar 12, 2008)

Just got this one - The thing is I agree with him ......

When you reply to this, could you please not use the "reply to all" option. I am not particularly interested in who has what laptop, and I am not sure if I should even have access to this information anyway.
Thanks,


----------



## Badgers (Mar 14, 2008)

It has been a while.....



> Dear All,
> 
> When I left for the show there was not a cup in sight in the Kitchen, since I have returned there seems to be 5 of them living in the sink, they have been there since Wednesday maybe even since Monday. Could who ever has put them there please wash them up before they grow legs and start walking.
> 
> Thanks




An old favourite and I have some replies to follow so subscribe to this thread now for examples of maturity in the modern workplace!!!!!


----------



## Badgers (Mar 14, 2008)

First reply is in....... 



> Hello all,
> 
> I have washed, dried and put all way all cups and cutlery that were selfishly left in the kitchen!!
> 
> ...


----------



## Badgers (Mar 14, 2008)

The floodgates are slowly opening..... 



> Did happen to find a white cup, white bowl on your washing expedition? I wonder if I can put them on expenses seeing as they have been stolen.


----------



## Badgers (Mar 14, 2008)

Getting creative now........



> The LFC Mug is always clean and Ready to use. If Carlsberg made cups, they'd make mine.


----------



## ovaltina (Mar 14, 2008)

Has anyone got my large yellow tape measure as I NEED IT!!!



 Thanks,

XXXXXXXXX
Facilities



Again, lovely use of caps.


----------



## Badgers (Mar 14, 2008)

17,064 views at time of posting.... 

Sticky time?


----------



## marty21 (Mar 14, 2008)

Badgers said:


> It has been a while.....
> 
> 
> 
> ...



i noticed a breakfast bowl in the sink this morning, a dirty breakfast eating whore had left it there, unwashed, it's a disgrace i tell ya


----------



## oryx (Mar 15, 2008)

It is perhaps a sign of the times that the office kitchen scolding A4 poster about keeping the kitchen as one keeps one's own  has been replaced by a poster with charts of customer satisfaction.

Another scolding poster regarding brown bits left in the sugar (a hot moaning topic ATM) would have been more interesting.


----------



## marty21 (Mar 25, 2008)

oryx said:


> It is perhaps a sign of the times that the office kitchen scolding A4 poster about keeping the kitchen as one keeps one's own  has been replaced by a poster with charts of customer satisfaction.
> 
> Another scolding poster regarding brown bits left in the sugar (a hot moaning topic ATM) would have been more interesting.




corporate wank is always annoying


----------



## marty21 (Mar 26, 2008)

work idiot said:
			
		

> blah blah blah - do not open attachment - warning from microsoft - blah blah blah -


   sent to a thousand odd people on the work email, which provoked this public response




			
				MR PISSED OFF said:
			
		

> In future please refrain from bombarding me with this pointless chain-letter spam.  I’m sure our IT department will alert us if there’s anything devastating doing the rounds that we need to know about.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



he must have got plenty of private responses, the bloke next to me sent him a link to a site debunking this virus nonsense - i limited myself to an email to IT to "have a word with the numptie"


----------



## oryx (Mar 26, 2008)

marty21 said:


> sent to a thousand odd people on the work email, which provoked this public response
> 
> 
> 
> he must have got plenty of private responses, the bloke next to me sent him a link to a site debunking this virus nonsense - i limited myself to an email to IT to "have a word with the numptie"


----------



## baffled (Mar 29, 2008)

marty21 said:


> sent to a thousand odd people on the work email, which provoked this public response



My workmate did something similar, he was running the marathon and looking for sponsors so thought it a good idea to use the national distribution list (I was working for Network Rail at the time), as he'd attached a word file containing the relevant information he didn't bother with actually writing anything within the email and put "help me" as the subject.

Within minutes of hitting send the phone started ringing and continuned ringing for days with irate people accusing him of sending out a virus, to this day I don't think I've ever seen someone get so nervous of a ringing phone.


----------



## marty21 (Mar 31, 2008)

some consultant said:
			
		

> Hello there
> 
> 
> 
> ...


we get a tip a month some consultancy who run writing courses

ain't nuffink rong wiv me writting


----------



## equationgirl (Mar 31, 2008)

Is that all they have to do? Does your compnay pay them to do this?? 

I am so in the wrong job.


----------



## marty21 (Mar 31, 2008)

equationgirl said:


> Is that all they have to do? Does your compnay pay them to do this??
> 
> I am so in the wrong job.



they paid them a small fortune to do the courses, no idea if they still get paid for sending stupid emails out


----------



## Augie March (Apr 1, 2008)

> Please note we have had to close off the Gent's Toilets on the middle floor, there is no polite way to say this WILL STAFF STOP PUTTING CHEWING GUM DOWN THE GENTS URINALS AND TOILETS, this has caused a blockage in the pipe and we now have soiled water coming through the reception area, and we have had to call out an engineer to sort this out.



Soiled water is never nice.


----------



## Badgers (Apr 2, 2008)

Good one today and addressing a SERIOUS issue: 



> As at 09.10 this morning uncertainty surrounded the whereabouts of approximately 25% of our staff.
> 
> So … for the umpteenth time …
> 
> ...


----------



## Pieface (Apr 2, 2008)

"uncertainty surrounding the whereabouts"

where do people learn to talk like that?


----------



## Badgers (Apr 2, 2008)

Seems our 'duplicated managers' were not able to communicate this morning so minutes later a second email arrived. 



> I know some of you are very good at this but for those who aren't……….
> 
> Could you all ring into ops and/or ***** if you are going to be more than 10 minutes late? Also if you are out on appointment turn you out of office on and again let ****** and *** know
> 
> Thanks


----------



## Pieface (Apr 2, 2008)

at least that reads like a normal email.


----------



## Badgers (Apr 2, 2008)

The laughable thing is that there are only about 12 people in this office.


----------



## Termite Man (Apr 2, 2008)

Badgers said:


> The laughable thing is that there are only about 12 people in this office.



3 people were late


----------



## Sweet FA (Apr 2, 2008)

Oh god, the posts above re: distribution lists remind me of the horrors I suffered when I worked at the British Council during the World Cup. I sent the following picture to about 10 friends in the international network and mistakenly hit the 'send all' button. I had privileges on the system so it went to _everyone_. From the chief exec down to the lowliest pleb in every country that had a BC centre. For 3 days, the entire system went tits up as abuse/congratulations flew around the world with everyone hitting the 'reply all' button. I got death threats from several people in the Argentine centres, a terrible bollocking from various managers/IT high ups and wasn't allowed near a pc for months


----------



## Badgers (Apr 2, 2008)

Termite Man said:


> 3 people were late



One was at a client meeting and had told manager 2 but he had forgotten 
One guy had a days holiday booked but manager 2 and 3 had forgotten 
One guy was 10 minutes late but nobody realised that he had to work two hours late the night before


----------



## Termite Man (Apr 2, 2008)

Badgers said:


> One was at a client meeting and had told manager 2 but he had forgotten
> One guy had a days holiday booked but manager 2 and 3 had forgotten
> One guy was 10 minutes late but nobody realised that he had to work two hours late the night before



how many managers have you got and how many more do you think you will need untill they have collectively amassed the skills of one good mananger ?


----------



## Badgers (Apr 2, 2008)

Termite Man said:


> how many managers have you got and how many more do you think you will need untill they have collectively amassed the skills of one good mananger ?



Too many directors and managers. 
None of which understand procedure, technology or management. 

I have decided to just laugh it off for the time being and not get any more wound up.


----------



## Final (Apr 2, 2008)

Not exactly a scolding, but gave me a giggle.



> I'm sure many of you have already seen the front page of the today's Times, which features an interview with Felix Dennis.
> 
> The piece makes certain claims, including the somewhat attention grabbing headline that he once "killed a man".
> 
> ...


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Apr 2, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Good one today and addressing a SERIOUS issue:



My old boss tried to get everyone to do that if they were going to arrive after 9.30, so I did for a while - every day, I sent him a text or gave him a ring saying "tube bad, probably 9.45" or "running late today". After a while I stopped, I thought the point had been made, he never mentioned it again.


----------



## oryx (Apr 2, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Too many directors and managers.
> None of which understand procedure, technology or management.
> 
> I have decided to just laugh it off for the time being and not get any more wound up.



If you hadn't said there's only 12 of you, I'd suspect you of working where I work!


----------



## Meltingpot (Apr 2, 2008)

equationgirl said:


> Is that all they have to do? Does your compnay pay them to do this??
> 
> I am so in the wrong job.



You'd be bored before long with such a good brain going to waste.


----------



## marty21 (Apr 2, 2008)

oryx said:


> If you hadn't said there's only 12 of you, I'd suspect you of working where I work!



they do sound pretty clueless


----------



## blues (Apr 14, 2008)

> Dear Colleague,
> We have reviewed our policy of running the ***** building on the most efficient basis possible and I wish to draw your attention to the following:
> 
> Cleanliness
> ...



I can't blame the guy who sent it, he's acting under orders from the very top, but the very top is also holding various metings about how each dept can save money, which, most of the time mean not saving very much at all ... to make some more budget for the mass increase in paper cup purchases maybe?


----------



## CharlieAddict (Apr 21, 2008)

_Afternoon all

Recently we have been having issues regarding "food/drinks missing from the Fridge" and it is getting ridiculous now that everyday someone's soup; salad; drinks; yoghurt, etc go "missing"

Food and drink that is kept in the fridge does have an owner, this includes food/drinks/yoghurts/etc. 

Please can this stop as we all share the fridge and should have respect for other people belongings( in this case their lunches or beverages)!!

Kind Regards_

watching fat people eat puts me off my lunch.
if their foods are missing, that's good cos they need to go on a diet anyway.


----------



## AnnT (Apr 22, 2008)

"Smoke Alarm - Main Kitchen
Importance: High
10. 45 a.m.
Triggered  - and not addressed by user in Main Kitchen.
Microwave used to heat through Croissant - and walk out of kitchen.
Leaving others to respond to now burning content in microwave.
This has apparently occurred on several occasions - including the use of the toaster: putting equipment on and leaving the kitchen.
From a Health & Safety point of view this is a definite no no and a risk to all fellow teamplayers.
A request to all who might use the equipment to show more responsibility and consideration to your colleagues.
You might like to visit me to 'show willing' in the future.
If anyone is unsure just how to use the equipment, then please ask".

Of course, if the firm had a fire drill *ever* the facilities manager might not be crapping herself at the slightest whiff of smoke .....  (not one in the three years I've been there).  Dunno how many times I've walked into the kitchen and found the battery taken out of the smoke alarm ....


----------



## Gromit (Apr 22, 2008)

Found today on a complement slip taped to a shelf in the stationery cabinet. 

Please keep this cupboard tidy. 

The temptation to add a smart alec reply is building inside me. Now what stationery based pun can I use?


----------



## Badgers (May 1, 2008)

> Afternoon Kids
> 
> I requested the move. One to keep me in line of sight of **** *****. Apparently £**K output cannot be possible on ** calls per day.
> 
> ...



The worker revolution has started since a 'general bollocking' meeting this morning ^ ^ ^ 

This poor chap (Che ****) has been moved outside the (headmasters) Mangaging Directors office as punishment.


----------



## quimcunx (May 1, 2008)

AnnT said:


> "Smoke Alarm - Main Kitchen
> Importance: High
> 10. 45 a.m.
> Triggered  - and not addressed by user in Main Kitchen.
> ...



I was with him til the bit in bold.  The croissant warming is obviously a tosser but anyone who describes their work colleagues as fellow teamplayers deserves to be shot.


----------



## gabi (May 1, 2008)

Marius said:


> Found today on a complement slip taped to a shelf in the stationery cabinet.
> 
> Please keep this cupboard tidy.
> 
> The temptation to add a smart alec reply is building inside me. Now what stationery based pun can I use?



My standard (and admittedly very juvenile) response to all these notices is to draw a cock and balls on them. They get taken down very quickly.


----------



## hektik (May 1, 2008)

i like this one: from an email entitled *Kitchen & Coffee weekly healthcheck*



> Coffee machine Off. 		CHECK
> Filter removed and old coffee/filter thrown in bin. CHECK
> 
> Replace filter. FAILED
> ...


----------



## Badgers (May 1, 2008)

Email from a colleague 



> cum guzzling fuck monkies. I no longer care!


----------



## marty21 (May 9, 2008)

myboss said:
			
		

> hi
> 
> i have heard and read so much on this case and I now feel ready to become involved. Can we place have a case confence with mr xxxxx (spelt wrongly) to see what we can to assit him with the probems he allege
> 
> marty21 can you please conatct mr xxxxx (spelt wrongly in a different way) and arrange for him to visit us inthis office



i know i shouldnt get annoyed at bad spelling, although i expect someone on 50,000 a year to know the difference between place and please, and surely it can't be too difficult to spell assist, or alleged


----------



## baldrick (May 9, 2008)

he's probably dyslexic.  my boss spells like that with no punctuation.


----------



## marty21 (May 9, 2008)

baldrick said:


> he's probably dyslexic.  my boss spells like that with no punctuation.




not sure if she is dyslexic tbh, she hasn't said


----------



## Aravis (May 12, 2008)

Here's one from this morning:


_Hi all,

I have just spent an entirely frustrating 30 minutes fixing the colour printer AQ82.

Having fixed it and then watched approximately 200 pages roll off (half of which was a home office UK Border Agency form) it is clear that the problem occurred on Friday and yet none of the several users saw fit to either fix or report the problem (unless somebody has reported it but not placed a notice on the printer).

I also noticed that many of the pages were black and white - generally colour printers should not be used for black and white printing since it costs significantly more to print black and white to a colour printer than it does to a black and white printer.

I know no-body likes these rants, least of all me, but the printers and photocopying machines are everyone's responsibility and if you do find any faults it is imperative that these are reported immediately.

Many thanks in anticipation of your co-operation._


----------



## bouncer_the_dog (May 12, 2008)

if you printed this thread would it come out in blue?


----------



## ATOMIC SUPLEX (May 12, 2008)

baldrick said:


> he's probably dyslexic.  my boss spells like that with no punctuation.



I'm dyslexic but I can use a spellcheck and proof read etc.


----------



## marty21 (May 12, 2008)

ATOMIC SUPLEX said:


> I'm dyslexic but I can use a spellcheck and proof read etc.




exactly


----------



## Gromit (May 12, 2008)

Avris, I hope they wrote that out in pen rather than wasting printer resources. ?


----------



## baldrick (May 12, 2008)

ATOMIC SUPLEX said:


> I'm dyslexic but I can use a spellcheck and proof read etc.


not saying you can't, it's just something that seems to be pretty common with dyslexic people.  didn't mean anyone to get offended


----------



## silver (May 14, 2008)

RE: Plastic Bags in Fridge


Dear All,

I have just removed 4 plastic bags from the fridge, could you please collect them from the top of the fridge and either label the items individually or remove them completely.  If these items are not removed from the top of the fridge by 11.00am I will be placing them in the bin.

Kind regards


----------



## marty21 (May 14, 2008)

silver said:


> RE: Plastic Bags in Fridge
> 
> 
> Dear All,
> ...



ah, office fridges - a war zone


----------



## Badgers (May 14, 2008)

I wonder if we should get this thread turned into a book?


----------



## silver (May 14, 2008)

marty21 said:


> ah, office fridges - a war zone



and plastic bags are the enemy


----------



## equationgirl (May 14, 2008)

No, the enemy would be the fucker who stole the half pint of milk I'd bought in from home for my cereal when I got in early, and then used it in their tea because the office milk had run out and they were too lazy to go and pick up the milk delivery.

But I digress...


----------



## teuchter (May 15, 2008)

I'm lucky enough to work with people who seem able to hold themselves back from writing these kinds of messages... but a friend has just forwarded me an email that was sent around his office:


(In comic sans)


> For the less intelligent among us the small unopened cartons of milk at the back of the fridge are not part of the office supply. I don't drink the office milk so please...
> 
> ...STOP DRINKING MY MINE!!!!!!
> 
> ...



Apparently there are now a lot of remarks going round the office about the sender's "mine".


----------



## sorearm (May 19, 2008)

equationgirl said:


> No, the enemy would be the fucker who stole the half pint of milk I'd bought in from home for my cereal when I got in early, and then used it in their tea because the office milk had run out and they were too lazy to go and pick up the milk delivery.
> 
> But I digress...


----------



## Andy the Don (May 20, 2008)

We order in pizza for staff who have to stay & work late meetings etc. Our usual pizza delivery could not supply so we went to another pizza delivery. Obviously not up to standard.

On the subject of pizza, am I alone in feeling that last week’s pizza was not up to it’s usual standards?  If we have changed supplier is there any chance of returning to our usual?

Just a thought.  Feel free to disagree if you enjoyed last weeks salty tuna.

I agree.

The Pizza actually made me quite ill. Not food poisoning, but I got very bad stomach cramps which lasted for days!!!!. 

I’ve had it in the past but never from pizza.


----------



## T/C (May 23, 2008)

My wife wrote this one - apparently she works with a bunch of morons....she said you can lead a horse to water but you can't make the idiot drink....





> Hi everyone,
> 
> There has been a *change of times* for Manakau Greyhounds this Sunday so *please read *through the call sheet, make sure you note the *new start time*, and *please be at the office or track on time*.  For example, if the '*leave the office time*' is 11.15am - that is the time *the vehicles will leave the office,* so make sure you are there a little bit *before* that time.  There has been some lateness recently - so for your own sake (and your work colleagues) *please read the call sheet* and make sure you are *at the office on time!!*  I have resent you all the call sheets again.  If there are any problems then please ring me.
> 
> ...


----------



## Firky (May 23, 2008)

This thread is one of the best on urban


----------



## ivebeenhigh (May 23, 2008)

Today I had the unforgivable experience of stepping in somebodies faeces in the female toilets downstairs. I suggest that the perpetrator practice their toilet training and compensate me for the Gucci trainers that are now ruined and the traumatic ordeal I am going through as a result of another person negligence. I just want to add that this very disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself.


----------



## Badgers (May 23, 2008)

Write an email


----------



## dolly's gal (May 23, 2008)

ivebeenhigh said:


> Today I had the unforgivable experience of stepping in somebodies faeces in the female toilets downstairs. I suggest that the perpetrator practice their toilet training and compensate me for the Gucci trainers that are now ruined and the traumatic ordeal I am going through as a result of another person negligence. I just want to add that this very disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself.



that was sent? or it happened to you? 

either way, how very gross


----------



## internetstalker (May 23, 2008)

Guys,

Under no circumstances should anybody leave early from the schedule.  Apart from the issue below I am aware of a couple of instances of this happening and I find it totally unnaceptable.  As such in the future any requests for early finishes must be made through me personally.  My mobile number is shown below.  Even if the circumstances are exceptional I expect to be notified if you have a sudden need to leave early.

If anyone would like to discuss this further please feel free to give me a call.

Cheers


----------



## laptop (May 23, 2008)

An improvement on the usual at this workplace:



> Good afternoon folks,
> 
> 
> Any food or Tupperware*/glassware/earthenware/ceramics/fine china/silverware not removed from the large kitchen ... by end of play today will be thrown away.
> ...


----------



## Cloo (May 23, 2008)

Badgers said:


> I wonder if we should get this thread turned into a book?


 Profits to the U75 server fund?


----------



## likesfish (May 23, 2008)

got an email once
 re health and safety
 included a picture of what happens if you use an instant barbecue inside a small office kitchen


----------



## Badgers (May 23, 2008)

Cloo said:


> Profits to the U75 server fund?



I might have considered this if the thread was pinned


----------



## Looby (May 23, 2008)

I haven't got a copy of the email but the issue of dress down days was raised in my mates office, a few days later they received a response from management along the lines of -

_'We are willing to allow one dress down day per month but we will not allow baggy jeans; trainers; for the men no tops without collars; no slogans; jeans must not have rips, holes, diamante, embroidery or any other embellishment.'

In return for this concession we feel you should give something in return so if you wish to participate we will arrange for staff to donate bone marrow._

  My mate is in complete shock and as she has only been there a few weeks is seriously worried about the company she is working for.

A quid to charity- fine. Suggest they organise a blood donation van to visit- ok. But fucking bone marrow in return for being able to wear smart jeans instead of trousers. 

Obviously bone marrow donation is a good thing but still.


----------



## fractionMan (May 23, 2008)

sparklefish said:


> I haven't got a copy of the email but the issue of dress down days was raised in my mates office, a few days later they received a response from management along the lines of -
> 
> _'We are willing to allow one dress down day per month but we will not allow baggy jeans; trainers; for the men no tops without collars; no slogans; jeans must not have rips, holes, diamante, embroidery or any other embellishment.'
> 
> ...



fuck me that's mental


----------



## sojourner (May 23, 2008)

sparklefish said:


> I haven't got a copy of the email but the issue of dress down days was raised in my mates office, a few days later they received a response from management along the lines of -
> 
> _'We are willing to allow one dress down day per month but we will not allow baggy jeans; trainers; for the men no tops without collars; no slogans; jeans must not have rips, holes, diamante, embroidery or any other embellishment.'
> 
> ...



christ

no diamante AND a bone marrow donation?  isn't there a law about this kind of shit?


----------



## Squatticus (May 23, 2008)

sparklefish said:


> I haven't got a copy of the email but the issue of dress down days was raised in my mates office, a few days later they received a response from management along the lines of -
> 
> _'We are willing to allow one dress down day per month but we will not allow baggy jeans; trainers; for the men no tops without collars; no slogans; jeans must not have rips, holes, diamante, embroidery or any other embellishment.'
> 
> ...



Jesus, what's the company!?


----------



## Looby (May 23, 2008)

sojourner said:


> christ
> 
> no diamante AND a bone marrow donation?  isn't there a law about this kind of shit?



She lives in Jersey. Nuff said.


----------



## ivebeenhigh (May 23, 2008)

dolly's gal said:


> that was sent? or it happened to you?
> 
> either way, how very gross



that was sent to the office.  would never wear gucci trainers.


----------



## internetstalker (May 23, 2008)

sparklefish said:


> I haven't got a copy of the email but the issue of dress down days was raised in my mates office, a few days later they received a response from management along the lines of -
> 
> _'We are willing to allow one dress down day per month but we will not allow baggy jeans; trainers; for the men no tops without collars; no slogans; jeans must not have rips, holes, diamante, embroidery or any other embellishment.'
> 
> ...



This is a jjoke surely??


----------



## Looby (May 23, 2008)

internetstalker said:


> This is a jjoke surely??



Nope, promise.


----------



## sojourner (May 23, 2008)

sparklefish said:


> She lives in Jersey. Nuff said.



Well, I know next to nowt about Jersey.  Is it inter-bred much?


----------



## moomoo (May 23, 2008)

God sparklefish, I've heard of companies wanting their pound of flesh but that's ridiculous!


----------



## bi0boy (May 23, 2008)

ivebeenhigh said:


> Today I had the unforgivable experience of stepping in somebodies faeces in the female toilets downstairs. I suggest that the perpetrator practice their toilet training and compensate me for the Gucci trainers that are now ruined and the traumatic ordeal I am going through as a result of another person negligence. I just want to add that this very disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself.



Someone put a sign in the gent's cubicles at work - "Please keep the toilet clean - use the brush !!!", and someone crossed out "use the brush!!!" and wrote "kindly defecate on the floor"


----------



## oryx (May 23, 2008)

sparklefish said:


> I haven't got a copy of the email but the issue of dress down days was raised in my mates office, a few days later they received a response from management along the lines of -
> 
> _'We are willing to allow one dress down day per month but we will not allow baggy jeans; trainers; for the men no tops without collars; no slogans; jeans must not have rips, holes, diamante, embroidery or any other embellishment.'
> 
> ...



I don't know whether to laugh or be very, very afraid if that is the way 'corporate social responsibility' is going.  indeed.

I have to laugh about not allowing diamante on dress down days though!


----------



## Looby (May 23, 2008)

oryx said:


> I don't know whether to laugh or be very, very afraid if that is the way 'corporate social responsibility' is going.  indeed.
> 
> I have to laugh about not allowing diamante on dress down days though!



Common innit?


----------



## oryx (May 23, 2008)

sparklefish said:


> Common innit?



It would be good to say 'Diamante? _Diamante_? These are real diamonds, I'll have you know!'


----------



## Looby (May 23, 2008)

sojourner said:


> Well, I know next to nowt about Jersey.  Is it inter-bred much?



It's a mad place, they've only just introduced employment law. Apparently there is a lot of interbreeding amongst the locals.

The wages are good though, she's on 26k and all she's doing at the moment is chaising signatures, filing and data input.


----------



## sojourner (May 23, 2008)

sparklefish said:


> It's a mad place, they've only just introduced employment law. Apparently there is a lot of interbreeding amongst the locals.
> 
> The wages are good though, she's on 26k and all she's doing at the moment is chaising signatures, filing and data input.



Sounds like the Isle of Man


----------



## Looby (May 23, 2008)

I turned down a really good job there because I couldn't stand to live there, even if I flew home every weekend. They slag off foreigners but will happily hire them as cleaners and kitchen staff and don't get me started on the Islands attitude to homosexuality.


----------



## Dovydaitis (Jun 4, 2008)

we had this one today, made me chuckle!



> Can you all please be mindful of your professional behaviour and language used across desks.  We have an external visitor amongst the team for the next couple of hours



now anyone would think we were swinging round the desks sceaming abuse at all and sundry!


----------



## marty21 (Jun 4, 2008)

not an email but a senuior manager mentioned this at a meeting today and it will probably end up on an email

they had conducted random spot checks at our offices to see if the customer was receiving a good service - they were unhappy at a couple of people, one stank of beer, the other had food all over their front when they came to see a client

we iz professionalizt


----------



## oryx (Jun 4, 2008)

marty21 said:


> one stank of beer, the other had food all over their front when they came to see a client


----------



## Zorra (Jun 6, 2008)

I have a favourite in my new office - by the coffee machine there's a (very cute) picture of a mouse in a tea cup, then it says "you wouldn't think a mouse in a cup was so cute if you knew he'd been shitting in it"


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jun 6, 2008)

Dovydaitis said:


> we had this one today, made me chuckle!
> 
> 
> 
> now anyone would think we were swinging round the desks sceaming abuse at all and sundry!



We generally have a memo like that just before the company big wigs from America come over to visit. Asking us to be polite and considerate.

Always makes me want to greet one of our visitors with "Who are you, you cunt!"


----------



## Badgers (Jun 6, 2008)

Our overlords are greedy scumbags but EVERYTHING has to be corporate when the chief arrives... 
We have to ignore the fact that he has four wives


----------



## rennie (Jun 6, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Our overlords are greedy scumbags but EVERYTHING has to be corporate when the chief arrives...
> We have to ignore the fact that he has four wives



who do you work for?


----------



## marty21 (Jun 6, 2008)

sadly, the man who used to email sold us about the state of the kitchen has now left

i miss his emails about dirty dishes and cups


----------



## teuchter (Jun 6, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Our overlords are greedy scumbags but EVERYTHING has to be corporate when the chief arrives...
> We have to ignore the fact that he has four wives



Do you work for this guy?


----------



## Badgers (Jun 6, 2008)

Worse


----------



## swampy (Jun 9, 2008)

> Subject:    Complex Toilet Facilities
> 
> Please circulate to all staff.
> 
> ...



To be fair the toilets do get in a state every now and then


----------



## Badgers (Jun 10, 2008)

Quite a gentle scold from the big brother department today: 




> Dear All
> 
> It seems that call volume and duration appears to be slipping back a little, I appreciate that it is more difficult to get hold of people and keep them on the phone but on a weekly basis you need to be achieving 150 call and 250 minutes talk time (each on outgoing calls).
> 
> ...




Last week I managed 354 minutes and 28 seconds so am not too worried


----------



## marty21 (Jun 10, 2008)

QueenOfGoths said:


> Always makes me want to greet one of our visitors with "Who are you, you cunt!"


----------



## rennie (Jun 10, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Worse



Go on then!


----------



## marty21 (Jun 10, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Quite a gentle scold from the big brother department today:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




when i worked in telesales for a national newspaper - we had to spend
 40% of our time chasing sales - their monitoring systems weren't that great (it was the late 80s) and we were able to find dead-lines to call, and just stay on line you were only found out if they tried to listen in to your calls (usually you could see the manager putting on their headphones, so you made a legitimate call


----------



## Cakes (Jun 10, 2008)

Yay!! I have just moved to a new office at it has cross notes in the kitchen!! Check out this beauty:


----------



## marty21 (Jun 10, 2008)

Cakes said:


> Yay!! I have just moved to a new office at it has cross notes in the kitchen!! Check out this beauty:



that is beautiful work - coloured pens and everything


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jun 10, 2008)

marty21 said:


> that is beautiful work - coloured pens and everything



Yep - I especially like the "AAARGH!!!" too. Pure class


----------



## marty21 (Jun 10, 2008)

QueenOfGoths said:


> Yep - I especially like the "AAARGH!!!" too. Pure class



i just hope the work was not in vain


----------



## Badgers (Jun 10, 2008)

marty21 said:


> that is beautiful work - coloured pens and everything



Agreed, I give it a 8 out of ten on the scolding scale


----------



## Looby (Jun 10, 2008)

marty21 said:


> when i worked in telesales for a national newspaper - we had to spend
> 40% of our time chasing sales - their monitoring systems weren't that great (it was the late 80s) and we were able to find dead-lines to call, and just stay on line you were only found out if they tried to listen in to your calls (usually you could see the manager putting on their headphones, so you made a legitimate call



We had special lines to log into that they would load special data on just for the top sales people or for targeted campaigns. We realised we could log into that when it was empty whenever we needed a break or a chat it would show us online but we'd get no calls. It worked for about 4 weeks until the team arselick who was going for team leader offered to do the stats one week and unlike our useless manager actually looked at them.


----------



## Final (Jun 10, 2008)

Cakes said:


> Yay!! I have just moved to a new office at it has cross notes in the kitchen!! Check out this beauty:




Whoa! 
Whoever wrote that shit needs to chill out a bit.

Or to be wound up just a touch more


----------



## Dovydaitis (Jun 10, 2008)

not so much a scolding email, but more of a grovelling lets see if i can worm my way out of it email. glad to say i didnt let them get away with it:



> I have spoken with Occ Health and Linda was not aware that she offended you.
> At the time and the information she was going off you had diagnosed yourself with a bad back and recent remedies are that if you have a bad back you should be off 2 days maximum because the best thing for a bad back is movement so it doesn't seize up.
> 
> Linda was unaware of the infection as we all were, in relation to the comments Linda said; she sees a lot of people with bad backs, Linda was just trying to be honest and open with you. I can understand why you may have been offended by Linda's comments but she did not mean to offend you and was almost taking the "tough love" approach.
> ...



my reply was quite interesting!


----------



## Badgers (Jun 10, 2008)

sparklefish said:


> We had special lines to log into that they would load special data on just for the top sales people or for targeted campaigns. We realised we could log into that when it was empty whenever we needed a break or a chat it would show us online but we'd get no calls. It worked for about 4 weeks until the team arselick who was going for team leader offered to do the stats one week and unlike our useless manager actually looked at them.



I have to send a lot of emails too and write up business proposals so the phone stuff is not that heavy really. Normally I manage just over an hour a day so pretty bearable. 

Oddly they tend to measure us with time on the phone rather than actual results


----------



## Cakes (Jun 10, 2008)

Final said:


> Whoa!
> Whoever wrote that shit needs to chill out a bit.
> 
> Or to be wound up just a touch more



That wouldn't be a veilled suggestion to go and flick my old mayonaisy tuna on the bag would it?


----------



## Badgers (Jun 10, 2008)

It is all your reasons


----------



## Final (Jun 10, 2008)

Cakes said:


> That wouldn't be a veilled suggestion to go and flick my old mayonaisy tuna on the bag would it?



Perish the thought.


----------



## Gromit (Jun 10, 2008)

You know you've read this thread too much when you stop in Grand Theft Auto to read the scolding notes on the wall whilst on the way up to the roof to shoot someone.

1st note was telling people off for not keeping the security doors locked to keep scum like me out.
2nd was moaning about people leaving rubbish in the corridors.

Just students of life or are Rockstar Games fans of this thread?


----------



## marty21 (Jun 18, 2008)

someone in HR said:
			
		

> CALLING ALL OF YOU MUSICALLY MINDED PEOPLE OUT THERE………………………
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It's a pity i can't reproduce the full different colour, upper and lower case majesty of this one sent to all staff -  slightly edited, she didn't actually say compulsory fun day - but we do have to attend, and have to have fun


----------



## marty21 (Jun 18, 2008)

sweetless said:
			
		

> this is going to sound extremely strange but during the fire drill we had soem sweets stolen from the xxxxxxxx office. Please could whoever took the sweets return them as they actually belong to a certain member of staff and not the team as a whole.
> 
> sorry for anyone reading this who could never do such a thing.





   we have an enemy in our midst, a sneaky confectionary burglar


there could be a daily mail headline about crime on the sweets i guess


----------



## Dovydaitis (Jun 30, 2008)

couldnt resist reviving an old thread, but we have just got this email:



> Well folks we have done it again!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



best of it is, it aint that messy!


----------



## Badgers (Jun 30, 2008)

I had a gentle one last week: 



> Dear All,
> 
> Just a informal note before it becomes an issue, could you all restrict non work related internet use to non work hours.
> 
> ...


----------



## dolly's gal (Jun 30, 2008)

^^^ i don't understand the reasons why. could you ask them to explain in full thanks


----------



## marty21 (Jun 30, 2008)

Dovydaitis said:


> couldnt resist reviving an old thread, but we have just got this email:
> 
> 
> 
> best of it is, it aint that messy!



a classic - the work kitchen is a battle ground


----------



## Badgers (Jun 30, 2008)

dolly's gal said:


> ^^^ i don't understand the reasons why. could you ask them to explain in full thanks



Because our MD strolled past the desks of two employees last week. 

One was on a gambling site
One was reading about ladybirds


----------



## dolly's gal (Jun 30, 2008)

and what's his problem? thought you lot had fuck all to do these days!


----------



## Badgers (Jun 30, 2008)

He just likes to see us grafting


----------



## marty21 (Jun 30, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Because our MD strolled past the desks of two employees last week.
> 
> One was on a gambling site
> One was reading about ladybirds



research


----------



## Cakes (Jul 3, 2008)

YAY!!! I love working in a proper office!


----------



## Cakes (Jul 3, 2008)

ho ho!


----------



## jigotai (Jul 3, 2008)

"Try pissing in the sink"


----------



## hektik (Jul 3, 2008)

another passive-aggressive gem from the same guy wrote this gem

email entitled: *Remedial Training Course Offers now available*



> Special discounts on the following training courses.
> 
> Remedial R101
> Putting dishes & cutlery into the dishwasher
> ...


----------



## rennie (Jul 3, 2008)

hektik said:


> another passive-aggressive gem from the same guy wrote this gem
> 
> email entitled: *Remedial Training Course Offers now available*



does he mean walk past the bin?


----------



## scifisam (Jul 4, 2008)

hektik said:


> another passive-aggressive gem from the same guy wrote this gem
> 
> email entitled: *Remedial Training Course Offers now available*



Somebody really wrote that?

Is he still allowed to be out in society without a minder?

And did anybody reply with *Remedial Training Course R101: Not trusting spellcheck to pick up every mistake in your scolding email.


At one workplace of mine, the cleaners got fed up with people leaving tons of dirty mugs in the sink, so put up signs saying that any dirty mug found in the sink would be thrown in the bin. They'd even gone to the trouble of adding pictures from MS Word.

So everyone used other people's mugs and got them trashed instead. Including my cherished leaving-present mug. *


----------



## baldrick (Jul 4, 2008)

scifisam said:


> So everyone used other people's mugs and got them trashed instead. Including my cherished leaving-present mug.


 that's a shame.


----------



## Badgers (Jul 4, 2008)

Not a scolding email but I was fairly proud of my work here: 



> Gentlemen,
> 
> Despite the low number of staff in our department today I feel it would be remiss of us to not attend the pub on such a clement Friday.
> 
> ...


----------



## Pieface (Jul 4, 2008)

That's a jolly nice email badgers, I wish I was in the pub with you.

One thing - employees 2 and 3 could be naughty and stay in the pub later than they should because they know the office is manned and thus don't HAVE to return on time....

Just saying like.....not something I'd actually DO or anything.....


----------



## Badgers (Jul 4, 2008)

PieEye said:


> One thing - employees 2 and 3 could be naughty and stay in the pub later than they should because they know the office is manned and thus don't HAVE to return on time....



I am actually happy with this outcome as it will allow me to complete all my personal phone calls and surf the web until they return. 

jobs a good'un!


----------



## Pieface (Jul 4, 2008)

It was YOU on the ladybird site!


----------



## Badgers (Jul 4, 2008)

I was on the ladyboy site


----------



## Badgers (Aug 1, 2008)

Good one today: 



> STOP ALL SLEDGING


----------



## bluestreak (Aug 1, 2008)

Wtf?


----------



## Badgers (Aug 1, 2008)

bluestreak said:


> Wtf?



Sledging

A competitor of ours phoned pretended to be a customer. 
My colleague took the call and they slagged off their own product. 
Basically lead him along so he also bad mouthed their product. 
They recorded the call and are threatening litigation.


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 1, 2008)

OOooooooh sneaky. Bad competitor.

Did they tell him the phonecall was being taped? Bet they didn't.

Isn't taping phonecalls without someone's permission illegal?


----------



## Badgers (Aug 1, 2008)

equationgirl said:


> OOooooooh sneaky. Bad competitor.
> 
> Did they tell him the phonecall was being taped? Bet they didn't.
> 
> Isn't taping phonecalls without someone's permission illegal?



Aye, nothing will come of it but caused a lot of stress. 

Kind of entrapment too I guess. 

Petty


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Aug 1, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Sledging
> 
> A competitor of ours phoned pretended to be a customer.
> My colleague took the call and they slagged off their own product.
> ...



That's disgraceful and unethical. It's is one thing to be competitive but that is just nasty, what kind of horrible mind would think to do that.

Hope it backfires on them in a big way


----------



## Badgers (Aug 1, 2008)

QueenOfGoths said:


> That's disgraceful and unethical. It's is one thing to be competitive but that is just nasty, what kind of horrible mind would think to do that.
> 
> Hope it backfires on them in a big way



It seems to have calmed down... 

Don't you just love working in the private sector


----------



## AnnO'Neemus (Aug 1, 2008)

This thread is ace.

I want to work where Badgers works.  Or maybe not.


----------



## bluestreak (Aug 4, 2008)

All Users said:
			
		

> boring work related stuff that no-one cares about


 



			
				Office idiot 1 said:
			
		

> Why is this being sent to me?


 



			
				office idiots 2-14 said:
			
		

> and me


 



			
				office idiot 15 said:
			
		

> can everyone stop replying-all please


 



			
				office idiot 16 said:
			
		

> i just want everyone to know that this isn't my area


 



			
				senior manager said:
			
		

> dear all, when receiving informational emails that aren't relevant to your work, please just delete them without clogging up everyone's inboxes with pointless replies.


 
*facepalm*


----------



## marty21 (Aug 4, 2008)

i'm with the senior manager on that one

i miss stupid work emails


----------



## Badgers (Aug 4, 2008)

Quality  

We have not had many of late but that last 'sledging' mail was class. 

Kitchen moaning seems to have really tailed off though


----------



## marty21 (Aug 4, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Quality
> 
> We have not had many of late but that last 'sledging' mail was class.
> 
> Kitchen moaning seems to have really tailed off though



you should mess up the kitchen, nick people's mugs, nick all the spoons, that sort of thing


----------



## red rose (Aug 4, 2008)

Its not an email but I found this written on the back of the staff rota at work in the new manager's handwriting.

Jxxxx
Helpful
Reliable

Pxxxx
Rude
Flaky work ethic

Gxxxx
Slow
Needs help

Kxxxx
Good with customers
Thug boyfriend


It was the last straw for me, I handed in my notice and made an official complaint.


----------



## Badgers (Aug 4, 2008)

red rose said:


> Jxxxx
> Helpful
> Reliable
> 
> ...






Which one are you?


----------



## marty21 (Aug 4, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Which one are you?



hopefully jxxxx


----------



## Termite Man (Aug 4, 2008)

marty21 said:


> hopefully jxxxx





Nah I'd say she is Pxxxx


----------



## Termite Man (Aug 4, 2008)

hektik said:


> another passive-aggressive gem from the same guy wrote this gem
> 
> email entitled: *Remedial Training Course Offers now available*
> 
> ...




so they want to train people to be antisocial by not putting things in bins .


----------



## red rose (Aug 4, 2008)

Termite Man said:


> Nah I'd say she is Pxxxx




I'm Gxxxx

Although I'm not bothered, I know I'm not the fastest person there but I'm the most experienced, I've been there longest and when the last manager was there I practically ran that place half the time.

Plus I've now seen the new managers behind the bar, they cant pull a pint of Guiness, they have no customer service skills, they're so slow they make me look like greased lightening and they've been service Pimms as a small measure and ringing everything into the till wrong rather than asking for help.

How they have the nerve to criticise us AND knock all the full time staff down to 12 hours a week and give their brother all the free shifts I don't know. Wankers.


----------



## red rose (Aug 4, 2008)

Bloody double posts


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 4, 2008)

Total wankers by the sounds of it, red rose. You're best of out of it, go somewhere where they appreciate you.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Aug 4, 2008)

Clearly write on the back of a random piece of photocopy cruft:

"ManagerXxxx:
judgemental
twat
leaves paper lying about"


----------



## Badgers (Aug 5, 2008)

FridgeMagnet said:


> Clearly write on the back of a random piece of photocopy cruft:
> 
> "ManagerXxxx:
> judgemental
> ...



WIN 

I love the petty office wars.


----------



## Mation (Aug 6, 2008)

*Polite notice*



> Dear  All
> 
> We who  work on the first floor welcome visitors, but if you are in the bigger office  and see C*** on the phone to an enquirer, could I ask you to keep your voice  down to enable her to concentrate on the call.  She has to talk to a wide mix of  people and it can be hard if someone has a strange accent, a soft voice, or if  they are in some distress about their symptoms.
> 
> ...


Oh dear. Despite the "Dear All" opener, this is clearly aimed at one person in particular who is lovely but has the loudest voice in the world and no ability to judge when he has ratched it up yet another level!


----------



## bluestreak (Aug 6, 2008)

FridgeMagnet said:


> Clearly write on the back of a random piece of photocopy cruft:
> 
> "ManagerXxxx:
> judgemental
> ...


 
an office scolding haiku:

Manager Xxxx:
judgemental twat; leaves pa-
per lying about"


----------



## Termite Man (Aug 6, 2008)

red rose said:


> I'm Gxxxx




I know that . I do know what your real name is you know


----------



## Artaxerxes (Aug 6, 2008)

Not a great one...



> DA
> 
> not sure if you've noticed, but we are being overrun by cereals, i could barely get to the microwave this morning...tomorrow we might not reach the tea urn.  in the words of Steps...TRAGEDY.
> 
> ...



A much better one, which was followed by nearly a dozen emails of managers discussing cocks and circumsion tips



> This morning the Helpdesk logged its most unusual request for service....
> 
> A call was put through to the helpdesk asking to book a male circumcision. The call logger was a little taken aback but having been exposed (oh...yes... I've used that word very carelessly, I know) to the vagaries and whimsical requests of our user base - microwaved mobile phones, modems refusing to plug in to light sockets etc - he bravely attempted to understand the nature and detail of the requirement. Having failed to locate either a call category or a relevant service line in our Group business portfolio he managed to persuade the caller that just because we were a recruitment company this did not mean we were anatomically qualified or familiar with the product set and very politely directed them to redial and research further. He then collapsed in fits of nervous laughter.
> 
> I do hope we haven't diversified even further given ****s bold business plan and ****s extraordinary talent for identifying a 'unique' proposition...



I was the call logger


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 6, 2008)

At least it made your day pass a bit quicker


----------



## MooChild (Aug 19, 2008)

All,

I was in the first aid room this morning and noticed the state of the sink area.

Someone has left a plastic tub filled with water with mould growing in it. 

And someone else left a cup full to the brim with some brown liquid in it.

Now I don't know who this is but I have to say you should be ashamed of yourselves. 
That area is for everyone to use and I am sure I speak for the majority who don't want to be faced with this kind of unhygienic mess first thing in the morning.

I don't care what kind of behaviour you get away with in your own home but in a shared kitchen it is not acceptable.
I cleaned it all up this time.

So please please can people swill out and put away there stuff when finished with.

I have to say if I see it again I will just throw your cup away.

Sorry for all you people that already have respect for there colleagues who didn't need to read this.

For you others sort it out.

</>handbag<>


----------



## Badgers (Aug 20, 2008)

Had to type this one from a printed memo put on every desk today: 



> Dear Sirs (no Madams?)
> 
> Could you please remind all your members of staff that that smoking is not permitted under the glass canopy outside the ground floor entrance of **** *****. This area is deemed to be substantially enclosed where smoking is not permissible.
> 
> All employers have a duty of care under the Smoke-free Regulations 2006 to ensure this legislation is adhered to.





Jobsworth twat ^ ^


----------



## Ceej (Aug 20, 2008)

When I worked in a bank, our Finance Manager sent an email after being driven nuts by the account managers.

'Please note that the deadline for submitting expenses is and always has been the 20th of the month. Please be aware that lack of foresight on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. I thank you'.

I still use that phrase!


----------



## silver (Aug 21, 2008)

Ceej said:


> When I worked in a bank, our Finance Manager sent an email after being driven nuts by the account managers.
> 
> 'Please note that the deadline for submitting expenses is and always has been the 20th of the month. Please be aware that lack of foresight on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. I thank you'.
> 
> I still use that phrase!



Thats brilliant, I'll remember that one


----------



## Badgers (Sep 11, 2008)

Sadly this mornings 'scolder' was too old skool for email but a nice touch measuring 7.2 on the pettiness scale


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 11, 2008)

Why is Fairy capitalised?


----------



## Badgers (Sep 11, 2008)

equationgirl said:


> Why is Fairy capitalised?



I missed that but will dig a little deeper and find out for you.


----------



## skyscraper101 (Sep 22, 2008)

Not exactly a scolding email but double lulz nonetheless:



> If anyone has removed or seen the Jon Bon-Jovi cut-out that was in promotions on the second floor can they please let me know or return it.


----------



## marty21 (Sep 22, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Sadly this mornings 'scolder' was too old skool for email but a nice touch measuring 7.2 on the pettiness scale



that is a classic, nice use of fairy, but no need for the capital letters imo


----------



## bi0boy (Sep 22, 2008)

marty21 said:


> that is a classic, nice use of fairy, but no need for the capital letters imo



Maybe it's some sneaky reference to Fairy washing-up liquid.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 22, 2008)

Don't over analyze this guys ^ ^


----------



## marty21 (Sep 22, 2008)

there clearly is a demand for some sort of cleaning fairy thought


----------



## jigotai (Sep 22, 2008)

Only added after I started working there...

J

edit - How do I make it smaller?


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 22, 2008)

Jig, darling, you do know we can all work out who you work for from that picture don't you?


----------



## marty21 (Sep 23, 2008)

equationgirl said:


> Jig, darling, you do know we can all work out who you work for from that picture don't you?


----------



## Badgers (Sep 23, 2008)

Toilets will always need cleaners


----------



## jigotai (Sep 23, 2008)

marty21 said:


>



God, if I worked for the council, I'd be smearing shit on the door handle, not just leaving a bad smell. That bristol.gov.uk sign you can see is a sticker with domestic abuse helpline numbers on it.

I was in a Bristol CC building toilet earlier today, I'll post up the scolding notice from that one later....


----------



## Badgers (Sep 23, 2008)

Not had an email for soooooo long.... 

It is just mean!


----------



## jigotai (Sep 23, 2008)




----------



## marty21 (Sep 23, 2008)

jigotai said:


>



can make out your reflection on there


----------



## jigotai (Sep 23, 2008)

God, is this the all new "stalk Jigotai" thread 

I'll just post my facebook up, and get it over with


----------



## marty21 (Sep 23, 2008)

jigotai said:


> God, is this the all new "stalk Jigotai" thread
> 
> I'll just post my facebook up, and get it over with



don't think i'd recognise you from it, unless you look like 1980s phil oakley


----------



## jigotai (Sep 23, 2008)

marty21 said:


> don't think i'd recognise you from it, unless you look like 1980s phil oakley




Darn, claim your £5.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 23, 2008)

PHIL??!!! Is that you??!!


----------



## Maltin (Sep 23, 2008)

jigotai said:


>


I like the way they have used clip art of newspapers on the sign. When I see signs like this I assume it means don't piss on the seat or leave shit stains in the pain or a floater, not don't leave newspapers in there.


----------



## marty21 (Sep 23, 2008)

Maltin said:


> I like the way they have used clip art of newspapers on the sign. When I see signs like this I assume it means don't piss on the seat or leave shit stains in the pain or a floater, not don't leave newspapers in there.



i like it when papers are left there


----------



## dodgepot (Sep 30, 2008)

i just stuck a big note up in the kitchen, written in big red marker-pen letters.

"next time you spill milk all over the kitchen floor make sur eyou clean it up after yourself FFS" - cos it was quite clearly not something that someone could have done without noticing. the fucking dirty lazy cunt.

i'm all annoyed now


----------



## Badgers (Sep 30, 2008)

Oddly I just used the milk, noticed there was only a few inches left and had an overwhelming desire to top it up halfway with tap water for the lulz and stuff


----------



## teuchter (Sep 30, 2008)

dodgepot said:


> i just stuck a big note up in the kitchen, written in big red marker-pen letters.
> 
> "next time you spill milk all over the kitchen floor make sur eyou clean it up after yourself FFS" - cos it was quite clearly not something that someone could have done without noticing. the fucking dirty lazy cunt.
> 
> i'm all annoyed now



No point crying over spilt milk.


Also: the culprit may not speak internet and will be wondering what FFS stands for.


----------



## dodgepot (Sep 30, 2008)

i know - i didn't think i could get away with blatant swearing


----------



## moose (Sep 30, 2008)

Our facilities dept has plumbed whole new depths of scolding with a little signature thing at the bottom of every email - it's in green and has a picture of a forest, and says 'Save a tree...please don't print this e-mail unless you absolutely must!'


----------



## Kanda (Oct 1, 2008)

Email exchange between me and my MD:



> Boss, after re-reading the 2 emails below, can I suggest you might need a new chair??
> 
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> ...


----------



## Badgers (Oct 1, 2008)

Win ^ ^ 

My MD has just undone a load of my work due to other stuff out of my control. 

Stopped caring


----------



## Badgers (Oct 2, 2008)

Office manager is asking everyone if they left the bowl and coffee cup in the sink and claiming to be 'losing her patience with this' 

I am unsure whether to raise the fact that it was the MD of the company or not


----------



## Badgers (Oct 2, 2008)

Good follow up email: 



> Dear All,
> 
> Once again there were dirty bowls cutlery cups etc left in the kitchen  and as nobody claims to have used them I will be taking all of them away and in future you will have to bring in your own.
> 
> ...


----------



## marty21 (Oct 2, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Good follow up email:



she's moving house, or has a kid going to university, collecting a load of free bowls/mugs/spoons/plates/forks/knifes, for her feckless student child

i know her game


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Oct 2, 2008)

Maltin said:


> I like the way they have used clip art of newspapers on the sign. When I see signs like this I assume it means don't piss on the seat or leave shit stains in the pain or a floater, not don't leave newspapers in there.



I also like the way that whoever it is has cunningly resized one newspaper so as to give it a bit of individuality, and not just have it being another piece of generic clip art. Clearly a rising star in the design world.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 3, 2008)

Been a good week so far: 



> HI Guys
> 
> Can you not all go out on fag breaks together - you are not women going to the toilet ! - you can go alone !
> 
> ...



Response from a colleague: 



> Bleeding pansy! Why not just say it rather than email a limp wristed instruction.
> 
> There are so many don’t do's in the place its getting f-ing unbelievable!


----------



## Badgers (Oct 7, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Office manager is asking everyone if they left the bowl and coffee cup in the sink and claiming to be 'losing her patience with this'



Currently the sink contains 3 dirty teaspoons and 1 dirty tablespoon 
The draining board has a dirty mug and 1 dirty teaspoon 

This could get nasty people


----------



## Artaxerxes (Oct 7, 2008)

FridgeMagnet said:


> I also like the way that whoever it is has cunningly resized one newspaper so as to give it a bit of individuality, and not just have it being another piece of generic clip art. Clearly a rising star in the design world.



Its clearly a subtle hint that soon puppy training will be involved, employees smacked on the nose with rolled up paper and heads shoved in the bog


----------



## bluestreak (Oct 13, 2008)

This is not so much a scolding email, as a damage limitation one.  The second of the day, actually.  



> MESSAGE FROM THE CHIEF EXECUTIVE: COUNCIL PAYROLL
> 
> Dear colleagues,
> 
> ...


 
Trans: don't panic, stop gossiping, and for the love of god get back to work.


----------



## Kanda (Oct 13, 2008)

Ours was much less formal:



> Pay day is early this month.  You have been paid today for October, as we didn’t want to leave the money in HBOS for longer than was strictly necessary.  Any complaints….well, see me if you really aren’t happy with this!


----------



## bluestreak (Oct 13, 2008)




----------



## Yetman (Oct 14, 2008)

Badgers said:


> Currently the sink contains 3 dirty teaspoons and 1 dirty tablespoon
> The draining board has a dirty mug and 1 dirty teaspoon
> 
> This could get nasty people



Dude.....nows the time to put that ninja training to use 

Go and buy a load of old cups and shit from a jumble sale over at the church hall or something, buy a tramp a bottle of white star on the promise that he drinks it all at once then pukes all over the cups, then sneak in when no-ones around and fill the sink, sideboard, put them on the taps, fucking anihillate the place. That. Would be funny


----------



## Kanda (Oct 14, 2008)

IT win again... 



> From: IT
> Sent: 14 October 2008 17:18
> To: Director
> Cc: Everyone
> ...



I especially love it when they Bcc the whole company, it means we can reply to all


----------



## Mr_Nice (Oct 16, 2008)

*Health Information*

This arrived in my inbox this morning  ....

All,

This morning, we have been advised that two staff on the first floor of xxxxx House have been in direct contact with people recently diagnosed with *shingles* and *hand, foot and mouth disease*.

If you are at all concerned, please take a look at the following links to the NHS Direct website and seek medical advice from your GP.
Shingles http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/articles/article.aspx?articleId=335
Hand, foot & mouth http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/articles/article.aspx?articleId=165 

If you don’t have access to the internet and need to access this information, please come and see me.

Kind regards


xxxxxx


----------



## teuchter (Oct 16, 2008)

Mr_Nice said:


> This arrived in my inbox this morning  ....
> 
> All,
> 
> ...



Has a witch-hunt started yet?

Knowing there was someone that paranoid in the building would very much tempt me to try and start further health scares ......


----------



## marty21 (Oct 16, 2008)

<steps away from Mr Nice>


----------



## Badgers (Oct 16, 2008)

Yetman said:


> Dude.....nows the time to put that ninja training to use
> 
> Go and buy a load of old cups and shit from a jumble sale over at the church hall or something, buy a tramp a bottle of white star on the promise that he drinks it all at once then pukes all over the cups, then sneak in when no-ones around and fill the sink, sideboard, put them on the taps, fucking anihillate the place. That. Would be funny



So much win that it is hurting me....


----------



## Mr_Nice (Oct 17, 2008)

Mr_Nice said:


> This arrived in my inbox this morning  ....
> 
> All,
> 
> ...


 
Todays update ..... If I wasn't Freelance then I would be on this little Gem straight away few days off sick, nice one 

*From:*
*Sent:* 17 October 2008 10:49
*To:* *Subject:* RE: Health Information 

Morning

Another one off today, his son is showing signs of hand foot & mouth


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Oct 17, 2008)

Everyone's going to think it's foot-and-mouth disease, reading that.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 17, 2008)

I did, to be honest


----------



## mysterygirl (Oct 17, 2008)

I thought it was foot & mouth being given a new, more important name.


----------



## 19sixtysix (Oct 17, 2008)

Caused by the coxsackie virus


----------



## becki1701 (Oct 21, 2008)

Not really a telling off email, but I laughed when I sent this around just now 



> Dear All,
> 
> There appears to be an igloo up in the Starling Room wrapped up in parcel tape.  There are a couple of stickers on it saying ‘Open Immediately – Special Storage Conditions Required’
> 
> ...


----------



## becki1701 (Oct 29, 2008)

Dear all,



WANTED​








If you see a tea cup, on your desk, looking like the above, it’s probably escaped from the Starling Room. 

Please make it come back (use force if necessary) as there are only a few cups left for common use.



With thanks,



S


----------



## teuchter (Oct 29, 2008)

What happened to the igloo in the end?


----------



## marty21 (Oct 29, 2008)

becki1701 said:


> Dear all,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



i've just left two mugs in another office


----------



## Badgers (Oct 29, 2008)

teuchter said:


> What happened to the igloo in the end?



My life is on hold until I get an update on this


----------



## teuchter (Oct 29, 2008)

Badgers said:


> My life is on hold until I get an update on this



Mine too.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 29, 2008)

teuchter said:


> Mine too.



becki1701 is partly to blame for the economic slowdown as office workers around the land down tools waiting for answers!!


----------



## Me76 (Oct 29, 2008)

I stuck a notice on the fridge today as some fucker keeps nicking my bottles of sparkling water that I bring in.  

I went for the notice option rather than and e-mail, but I feel all dirty now.  

Should I take it down?


PS - What happened with the Igloo, Becki1701?  You can't leave us like this.


----------



## becki1701 (Oct 29, 2008)

Ha ha!!  Ah well.....when I next went up there it was gone....so I'm assuming it was saved!

Good news all round guys, now get back to work!!


----------



## Badgers (Nov 14, 2008)

They are actually having a meeting about the kitchen sink today!!!! 

Fuck me, there are only about 10 of us in this office at any one time and this morning the sink contained 2 cups and 3 teaspoons. The lass who appears to be 'chairing' this debate is on a six figure salary and has invested around 20 mins of her time on this pressing issue...


----------



## Idris2002 (Nov 14, 2008)

becki1701 said:


> Ha ha!!  Ah well.....when I next went up there it was gone....so I'm assuming it was saved!
> 
> Good news all round guys, now get back to work!!




What sort of weirdo place do you work in, where you get igloos delivered?


----------



## Missez (Nov 14, 2008)

Badgers said:


> They are actually having a meeting about the kitchen sink today!!!!
> 
> Fuck me, there are only about 10 of us in this office at any one time and this morning the sink contained 2 cups and 3 teaspoons. The lass who appears to be 'chairing' this debate is on a six figure salary and has invested around 20 mins of her time on this pressing issue...



She's obviously a canny lass who knows where these things can lead if not tackled.

We had a similar problem recently and not enough scolding notices were put up. As a result the sink ended up filled with a bout 20 rotting cups (some of the broken after they'd been removed from the sink and left in a washing up bowl on the floor and been tripped over until returned to the sink). The stench eventually got so bad that the techs had to come in to do a clean up job. They found a mouse had committed suicide in the dirty water, obviously unable to cope with the filthy conditions.


----------



## sorearm (Nov 14, 2008)




----------



## laptop (Nov 14, 2008)

Badgers said:


> this morning the sink contained 2 cups and 3 teaspoons. The lass who appears to be 'chairing' this debate is on a six figure salary and has invested around 20 mins of her time on this pressing issue...




Let's see: salary >= £100k - total cost of employment >= £150k.

Assume Working Time Directive abided by: 48h week, 48 weeks / year (being a bit generous with the new Bank Holiday entitlement): 2304 h.

Cost of that employee *alone* attending this 20 minute meeting: *not less than* £20 - guesstimate £100 for the 10 of you?

It may well be cheaper to have 6 new mugs delivered daily for her use... and hire a skip.


----------



## marty21 (Nov 18, 2008)

Numpty said:
			
		

> Dear xxxxxx
> 
> 
> 
> ...






			
				Numpty said:
			
		

> And as well the complaint has not been received by the office 10th November 2008 but I dropped it Friday 7th November in the morning I PUT IT ON YOUR DESK AND I REMEMBER TO HAVE XXXXX IN THE OFFICE DOING SOME PHOTOCOPY WHEN I CAME IN
> 
> 
> 
> ...



all over the shop this morning, numpty is a little over dramatic tbf


----------



## teuchter (Nov 19, 2008)

Not really scolding, but it is office kitchen related.



> TUPPERWARE AMNESTY - everyone is in today so it is all laid out in the kitchen, take what is yours and in 24 hours it is a free for all


----------



## Badgers (Nov 19, 2008)

I am on my way over now


----------



## beeboo (Nov 20, 2008)

All-company email just received:



> FROM: Andrew James
> TO: ALL
> SUBJECT: A warning
> 
> ...



bit OTT no?


----------



## Badgers (Nov 20, 2008)




----------



## QueenOfGoths (Nov 20, 2008)

teuchter said:


> Not really scolding, but it is office kitchen related.



If there are any of those long spoons to use in Salad Cream and other jars   I'll have one please


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Nov 20, 2008)

beeboo said:


> All-company email just received:
> 
> 
> 
> bit OTT no?



'Tis a bit isn't it ?

Although maybe he just got an email intended for Andrew Jones saying

"That Andrew James, he's a real cunt isn't he!"


----------



## chegrimandi (Dec 9, 2008)

_Hi X, 

Unfortunately, since our second bin was taken away by Facilities in accordance the cost cutting measures then I can't really welcome any waste that myself and my immediate Colleagues haven't produced in a working day.

Perhaps using my bin for your breakfast container yesterday was a misunderstanding - but I gave it back to X presuming he'd take care of it in your absence. I've returned today to find it back in there.

To avoid any further problems then I think it'd make things easier if we all stuck to our own designated bins. 

Thanks in advance for your understanding. 

Regards, 

bin obsessed nutjob
_


----------



## dolly's gal (Dec 9, 2008)

this is genius!!!!!!!!!! love it love it love it


----------



## chegrimandi (Dec 9, 2008)

we should all stick to our own designated bins...

heh


----------



## quimcunx (Dec 9, 2008)

I like andrew James.


----------



## joustmaster (Dec 10, 2008)

the office i work in has plastic "frames" on in the toilets where adverts are placed by the building owners. This thread has inspired me to replace the adverts with scolding messages.

Suggestions?


----------



## prunus (Dec 10, 2008)

"Watch what you're doing!"


----------



## jigotai (Dec 10, 2008)

"One to wipe, one to polish!"


----------



## bluestreak (Dec 10, 2008)

"This may count towards your performance assessment."


----------



## jigotai (Dec 10, 2008)

"What's your score today?"


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Dec 11, 2008)

Not scolding, but a great example of why my MD is in such a lofty position:




			
				A hotel said:
			
		

> Dear *****,
> 
> We'll be having Christmas party, organised for our bookers on Wed 17th Dec @ the ***** **** Hotel with a 3 course dinner & dance, drinks will be included - 7pm onwards.
> Please let me know if you or someone of your team would like to come and I will send you an official invite.


 



			
				My MD said:
			
		

> oh how nice how many places ?






			
				A hotel said:
			
		

> Great *****,
> Up to 3 people is absolutely fine. Please let me know the names.
> 
> Will be good to see you there.






			
				My MD said:
			
		

> Hi *****
> the following members of staff would love to come - how many more can you squeeze in ?
> 
> Hannah *******
> ...


----------



## AnnO'Neemus (Dec 11, 2008)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Not scolding, but a great example of why my MD is in such a lofty position:


I bet your company's profit projections are a larf.

Bean counters:  Memo to MD:  We project that we're going to be raking in 3 million quids worth of orders next year.

MD:  Memo to investors and shareholders and everyone:  Ooh, lovely, our company bean counters reckon we're going to rake in 6 million quid's worth of business next year.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Dec 11, 2008)

chegrimandi said:


> _Hi X,
> 
> Unfortunately, since our second bin was taken away by Facilities in accordance the cost cutting measures then I can't really welcome any waste that myself and my immediate Colleagues haven't produced in a working day.
> 
> ...



I sneeze in his bin!


----------



## machine cat (Dec 12, 2008)

not scolding at all, but quite funny.

we have to fill in forms and inform everyone when we NEARLY have an accident. some twunt emailed everyone (thousands of staff members across the country) when he had a 'near miss' whilst driving to work.

naturally a lot of piss-taking has started, including this email today:



> Dear *****,
> 
> As you know I had to drive to Consett yesterday for a plea.
> 
> ...


----------



## AnnO'Neemus (Dec 13, 2008)

drcarnage said:


> not scolding at all, but quite funny.
> 
> we have to fill in forms and inform everyone when we NEARLY have an accident. some twunt emailed everyone (thousands of staff members across the country) when he had a 'near miss' whilst driving to work.
> 
> naturally a lot of piss-taking has started, including this email today:


win. Win.  big WIN!


----------



## electroplated (Dec 15, 2008)

in response to his PA emailing the office to say her blackberry charger had been nicked




			
				The MD said:
			
		

> Some fool's selfish behaviour means we cannot do what is vital this weekend. I am that annoyed - if who did this does not want to work for us, then say so and you can have your wish.


----------



## PursuedByBears (Dec 17, 2008)

An email was sent around yesterday about Christmas cards - we usually put some money in a jar instead of sending cards to everyone in the office and then use the collection to get something like goats or water purification equipment from Oxfam or World Vision etc.

Some kind soul sent the following response:



> In that case let’s make sure its goats or fruit trees. These are more useful and life changing than a lot of other things on the site. No chickens, Don’t wish to promote bird flu, no education as it pointless if you are starving, no delivering babies, people shouldn’t be shelling peas if they cannot sustain them, and as for the tap, you need a well or a water pipe first! Vaccines are good though and I’m all for helping save a life but if they haven’t food to survive then that’s pointless too!
> 
> That’s my rationale on this but sure happy to give some money as I’m not sending paper cards this year.





I can't work out whether he was trying to be funny or just borderline racist


----------



## Badgers (Dec 17, 2008)

New sign posted in the kitchen.... 

Picture to follow shortly!!!!


----------



## 5t3IIa (Dec 17, 2008)

Edge of seat!


----------



## Badgers (Dec 17, 2008)




----------



## teuchter (Dec 17, 2008)

Before I left work on Friday I sent out an email to several people which had some rather large attachments.

Returning this week I had this message, sent at about 11am.



> Dear *****,
> 
> In future can you please refrain from sending me emails with large attachments because my inbox closed down over the weekend as I had exceeded my mailbox limit. As you can imagine I was not impressed as I was not able to get on with any work!
> 
> ...



Then sent at 9pm the same day:



> Thanks for this, you did this to me again, this time I was away and could not do get into my office the delete as I did last time and I ended up blasting *****.
> 
> What are you guys on sending out 8mb files on a Friday evening that close down people mailboxes over a weekend and prevent them sending e-mails out.
> 
> ...



I like the image of the rage gradually building up between the morning and evening. Or maybe he'd started on the red wine by the time he wrote the second one.

I wanted to type a very sarcastic reply but managed to restrain myself.


----------



## LJo (Dec 17, 2008)

PursuedByBears said:


> An email was sent around yesterday about Christmas cards - we usually put some money in a jar instead of sending cards to everyone in the office and then use the collection to get something like goats or water purification equipment from Oxfam or World Vision etc.
> 
> Some kind soul sent the following response:
> 
> ...



I bet the labouring mother screaming in agony with no painkilling drugs will be over the moon to receive her pear tree.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 9, 2009)

More fuckwittery from my MD:



> Dear All
> As we start a new year it's time to rethink the distribution & circulation of the birthday cards - I believe we would still like to continue this exercise (do let me know if you'd like it to stop) so to this end I would like to introduce with immediate effect the following:-
> 
> Each team is responsible for the circulation of the relevant persons birthday card
> ...



It's tough at the top, dealing with the issues that will guide the company through the recession.


----------



## marty21 (Jan 9, 2009)

teuchter said:


> Before I left work on Friday I sent out an email to several people which had some rather large attachments.
> 
> Returning this week I had this message, sent at about 11am.
> 
> ...


 i think you still need a sarcastic reply


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jan 9, 2009)

Birthday card monitors  There is a certain _type_ of person who would vonuteer for that job


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 9, 2009)

She's had about 10 e-mails back pointing out the flaw in her grand plan, what happens when the card monitor is on holiday? She's taken the cream puff and retreated to her office, I guess to work out who's going to be Deputy Birthday Card Monitor. Hope it's me, would really enhance my CV that.


----------



## Fruitloop (Jan 9, 2009)

marty21 said:


> i think you still need a sarcastic reply



with a gigantic attachment


----------



## scott_forester (Jan 9, 2009)

Seen in a buildings shower room many moons ago:

"Could the selfish bastard who stole all the showerheads please return them."


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jan 9, 2009)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> She's had about 10 e-mails back pointing out the flaw in her grand plan, what happens when the card monitor is on holiday? She's taken the cream puff and retreated to her office, I guess to work out who's going to be Deputy Birthday Card Monitor. Hope it's me, would really enhance my CV that.



It's sort of sweet - with the enforced niceness but it's also deeply dreadful. Poor you really


----------



## Badgers (Jan 10, 2009)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> It's tough at the top



At what hour was it sent?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 10, 2009)

About 1/2 2.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 10, 2009)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> About 1/2 2.



Just wondered..... 

I have a 'looper' at work to deal with and he sends me midnight emails saying things he is to scared to say to my face. 

I thought that if the sender had been sending the email on his/her time then it would have highlighted the enormous dedication that he/she has for his/her employees/comrades


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 10, 2009)

Nah, I seriously think she spent the whole morning coming up with her grand plan. Her PA usually just handed a card round and people signed it, she had her PA in at 10 o'clock for about an hour, so this must have been the focus of their meeting. 

There is a worldwide slump on and this is the shite that's going through her mind.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 10, 2009)

Can you put a cost on this?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 10, 2009)

Oh, and she's just got herself a crackberry, so she does send e-mails at odd times, never ones she's written, just forwards on spam to everyone. She thinks this makes her look like an importat captain of industry. Why does the whole company need to know that some hotel in the South Pacific will give honeymooners a free bottle of champers if they stay 14 nights? We get about 30 e-mails a day of equally stunning drivel from her.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 10, 2009)

Badgers said:


> Can you put a cost on this?



What, the time she spends doing bollocks?


----------



## Badgers (Jan 10, 2009)

Girl dun well den and stuff, 
She is going places, opening doors, breaking glass ceilings and stuff


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 10, 2009)

Badgers said:


> Girl dun well den and stuff,
> She is going places, opening doors, breaking glass ceilings and stuff



Oh yes, she loves all that.

Her key word at the moment is 'synergy'. She has no idea what it means, but drops it in to almost every sentence that falls from her gob.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 10, 2009)

Is she the 'yoga, tea and stuff' or 'cocaine with a bottle of breeezer' type of manager?


----------



## rich! (Jan 10, 2009)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Oh yes, she loves all that.
> 
> Her key word at the moment is 'synergy'. She has no idea what it means, but drops it in to almost every sentence that falls from her gob.



Hand her some Synergy Center flyers, and book the entire company for a weekend of psytrance and drugs? Team-bonding exercise? Either she'll stop using it, or she'll cough up...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 10, 2009)

Herbal teas, gym, power woman is the image she tries to put across.

Who then gets roaringly drunk and acts sluttish with clients.

Despite the fact that she can't spell or use grammar, she came up with a book on how we should behave and sending any correspondence to a client with poor spelling or grammar is a disciplinary offence apparently.

She got copied in to someone's mail this week and spotted a typo. So she highlighted the typo in red and sent it back to the whole company with a short note meaning to say that she has *spotted* a typo. This was the result:

*ive stopped a typo*


----------



## oryx (Jan 10, 2009)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Herbal teas, gym, power woman is the image she tries to put across.
> 
> Who then gets roaringly drunk and acts sluttish with clients.
> 
> ...



You must find it really hard not to strangle her.

In fact, I feel like strangling her despite never having met her. 

Here's a bit of a corker from my ex-work:

'_Despite my entertaining and informative course content, one of my training delegates was distracted by the sight of someone using the kitchen area, opening up the fridge, taking a swig of milk from a carton then putting the carton back in the fridge. 

Can I suggest that if you are prone to doing this please STOP and that in future you use one of the mugs or glasses to drink the milk from. I, for one, don’t want your spit/wash back in my drink.'   _


----------



## Chillinmink (Feb 23, 2009)

> I am done being polite about people taking my coffee mugs every morning. I got my own because I didn't want to offend anyone by taking theirs. Now things have got to a point where I don't care who you are, what your reasons / excuses are. I just want you to stop using my mugs. Get your own. Return mine.
> 
> Details of my mugs:
> 
> ...



emailed to the entire company (24 branches world wide) by a presumably well educated, mature solicitor.


----------



## marty21 (Feb 23, 2009)

Chillinmink said:


> emailed to the entire company (24 branches world wide) by a presumably well educated, mature solicitor.



that really is a classic of the genre

hopefully there are legs on this story - a classic IT email should be sent from pissed off IT bods


----------



## Badgers (Feb 23, 2009)

> I am done being polite about people taking my coffee mugs every morning.





> Now things have got to a point where I don't care who you are, what your reasons / excuses are





> I hope I don't have to repeat myself




I can see a film in this ^ ^ ^ 




> I want Mugs 1 & 2 returned within the hour



Did anyone reply with the 'or what' question? ^ ^


----------



## DotCommunist (Feb 23, 2009)

Badgers said:


> I can see a film in this ^ ^ ^
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm seeing a Michael Douglas Falling Down type movie


----------



## Badgers (Feb 23, 2009)

DotCommunist said:


> I'm seeing a Michael Douglas Falling Down type movie



Set in Brixton, Los Angeles, Mumbai or Croydon?


----------



## DotCommunist (Feb 23, 2009)

Badgers said:


> Set in Brixton, Los Angeles, Mumbai or Croydon?



Brixton, so that there are plausible gangs for him to nick a bag of guns from. Croyden just doesn't cut it.


----------



## Badgers (Feb 23, 2009)

DotCommunist said:


> Brixton, so that there are plausible gangs for him to nick a bag of guns from.



I can see this working
Perhaps he goes into The Albert and asks for a beer, only for it to be served with a big head or something.... With crazy consequences? 



DotCommunist said:


> Croydon just doesn't cut it.



I thought there might be a tram angle?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 23, 2009)

Chillinmink said:


> emailed to the entire company (24 branches world wide) by a presumably well educated, mature solicitor.



Shit 

Send an e-mail pointing out that perhaps he could do with cutting down on his caffeine intake.


----------



## flash (Feb 23, 2009)

We did this to my second or third boss, can't remember which but we've had afters since through the nature of my industry. Someone realised he was attached to a mug that wasn't his as a sign of affection for the person who's mug it was who wasn't interest in him or the mug. 

They promptly got into work before him and hid the mug - the whole team (and others) was in on this as they had issues with him as well. A week went on and after several random threats he adopted a new mug. That then got hidden - he had no one to blame as no one was using the mug. This went on through 5 or 6 mugs for about 3 months with previously hidden mugs turning up on his desk randomly whilst he was out of the office. Fun and games......

Apologies for digressing......


----------



## Kanda (Feb 25, 2009)

This just came through:



> *This is an email about the current state of the loos here, please take note…
> 
> 
> Firstly and most importantly clients use the facilities, therefore the state of them is very important!*
> ...



Genius


----------



## Badgers (Feb 25, 2009)

Quite well worded that one!


----------



## marty21 (Feb 25, 2009)

it is impressive


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 25, 2009)

Class.


----------



## Mation (Feb 26, 2009)

Badgers said:


> Quite well worded that one!


Ours wasn't... This just arrived:



> I have been meaning to send this  email for some time. As you are aware the two toilets we have direct access to  are adjacent to the main thoroughfare to our offices. They are not isolated self  contained toilets with doors that do not shut properly when not in use and do  not have a ventilation system. Therefore odours persistently drift into the  hallway which is both unpleasant and very embarrassing.
> 
> I would like all staff to take this  matter seriously and consider the use of these toilets and without having to  spell it out please use the main toilets in the EI where appropriate to avoid  subjecting staff and more importantly visitors to unpleasant odours, this week  alone I have had to avoid allowing three visitors to have a meeting in my office  as I was too embarrassed to bring them through the hallway as the smell was  dreadful. The same thing happened today.
> 
> I’m sure you will all understand and  appreciate what I am talking about and the issue at hand and thank you all in  advance for your consideration and cooperation.


----------



## Badgers (Feb 26, 2009)

Do you know who Mr/Mrs 'Stiny' is Mation? 

Are there whispers and stares flying around the place?


----------



## Kanda (Feb 26, 2009)

Our MD responded with additions: (in _italics_)



> *This is an email about the current state of the loos here, please take note…
> 
> 
> Firstly and most importantly clients use the facilities, therefore the state of them is very important!*
> ...


----------



## BoatieBird (Feb 26, 2009)

From our departmental IT person:

DON’T JUST BIN THIS E-MAIL READ IT AND INWARDLY DIGEST!!

I have just come out of our seminar room having just had several worrying problems highlighted to me by a senior member of the Academic Staff.

On investigation I found the following problems:


1.                  Sophos Anti-Virus non-operational
2.                  A total of 70 plus security and other updates not carried out
3.                  A virus\Malware infection
4.                  A Major Service Pack Update to XP Professional not carried out.

I can only conclude that all these problems are being caused\have been caused by users not understanding their responsibilities or, and I hope I am wrong here, not giving a hoot what their responsibilities are regarding operation of IT equipment whether it be their personal Desktop PC or Communal PC’s in general use.


----------



## Crispy (Feb 26, 2009)

Toilets should have ventilation, it's in the building regs.




			
				Approved Document F said:
			
		

> *2.11* Extract to outside is required in all office sanitary accommodation, washrooms and in food and beverage preparation areas...
> ...The extract flow rates should be no less than those specified in Table 2.1a
> 
> ie
> ...



The smell-worrier should contact Building Control at the local council, as they can lay some smack down for contravening the regs.


----------



## marty21 (Feb 26, 2009)

Crispy said:


> Toilets should have ventilation, it's in the building regs.
> 
> 
> 
> The smell-worrier should contact Building Control at the local council, as they can lay some smack down for contravening the regs.



exactly, to get rid of the smell, they think the answer is to stop all bowel movements, when they should be sorting out the ventilation and allow natural bowel activity to take place


----------



## bluestreak (Feb 26, 2009)

Do it, do it, do it!


----------



## Mation (Feb 26, 2009)

Badgers said:


> Do you know who Mr/Mrs 'Stiny' is Mation?
> 
> Are there whispers and stares flying around the place?


Nope, not a clue. 

To be fair to the scolder, I can still taste the fug that I had to walk through to get to my office 

There is in fact a window in the loo. It's very easy to open. Most people open it. But when someone doesn't, well the hall is practically solid with stench.


----------



## Crispy (Feb 26, 2009)

Ah, if there's natural ventilation, then the regs are satisfied. For further details, read CIBSE Application Manual AM 10:Natural ventilation in non-domestic buildings.
I wouldn't bother though, it's crap and the ending is a bit of an anticlimax.


----------



## Mation (Feb 26, 2009)

Crispy said:


> Ah, if there's natural ventilation, then the regs are satisfied. For further details, read CIBSE Application Manual AM 10:Natural ventilation in non-domestic buildings.
> I wouldn't bother though, it's crap and the ending is a bit of an anticlimax.


----------



## AnnO'Neemus (Feb 26, 2009)

Crispy said:


> Toilets should have ventilation, it's in the building regs.
> 
> 
> 
> The smell-worrier should contact Building Control at the local council, as they can lay some smack down for contravening the regs.





Crispy said:


> Ah, if there's natural ventilation, then the regs are satisfied. For further details, read CIBSE Application Manual AM 10:Natural ventilation in non-domestic buildings.
> I wouldn't bother though, it's crap and the ending is a bit of an anticlimax.


I love it how urban has someone somewhere who is an expert on every random subject.


----------



## MikeMcc (Feb 26, 2009)

Kanda said:


> Our MD responded with additions: (in _italics_)
> 
> 
> > This is an email about the current state of the loos here, please take note…
> ...


class!


----------



## Dovydaitis (Mar 2, 2009)

not scolding per se, but an email i received friday evening, it did make me chuckle 



> Fuck off. I wanted to talk to a fucking English human being a week and a half ago. Now I have seen how fucking shit your service is, I won't be bothering with Less-than-ideal Standard ever again. You wankers.



lovely!


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Mar 2, 2009)

Dovydaitis said:


> not scolding per se, but an email i received friday evening, it did make me chuckle
> 
> 
> 
> lovely!



They're not happy are they


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 4, 2009)

So...less than a week after laying off 6 staff, "Not down to anything the company's done, it's just the recession." This e-mail appears from the MD



> *I'm on holiday!*
> 
> The following please
> My post to ******
> ...





Wfh is her code for working from home.

i.e. Packing for her girly weekend in Spain.


----------



## teuchter (Mar 12, 2009)

This is not scolding at all but it is office and fridge related.



> I've been meaning to ask....would anyone like to have the eggs in the fridge?
> We haven't got kitchen to cook at the moment and those eggs need to be eaten before 16th March.



The boss got his claim in first.


----------



## sorearm (Mar 13, 2009)

I love this thread, it's brilliant! 

((((((((thread))))))))


----------



## Badgers (Mar 13, 2009)

sorearm said:


> I love this thread, it's brilliant



Sad reflection on me that my only three long running threads are titled scolding/ranting/dragging. Gives you a cracking impression of the plane I exist on


----------



## marty21 (Mar 13, 2009)

Badgers said:


> Sad reflection on me that my only three long running threads are titled scolding/ranting/dragging. Gives you a cracking impression of the plane I exist on



i can't think of anyone else with *3 long running threads* tbf


----------



## Badgers (Mar 13, 2009)

marty21 said:


> i can't think of anyone else



No one else enjoys repetition as much as me?


----------



## Mr Retro (Mar 16, 2009)

Lifetime achievement award for best thread ever on Urban


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 16, 2009)

"You should go over and sneeze in his bin" still makes me lol


----------



## prunus (Mar 16, 2009)

Mr Retro said:


> Lifetime achievement award for best thread ever on Urban



Yup, Badgers, this is it: your lifetime's achievement.


----------



## Badgers (Mar 16, 2009)

One day I will get one pinned and my work will be done


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 16, 2009)

Title of MD's e-mail:



> Leaving now for my two in one night! Have a good evening & see ya tomorrow!



What is a two in one night?

*Shudders at thought of MD being spit roasted.


----------



## Kanda (Mar 30, 2009)

> >Hi,
> >
> >Someone mentioned the other day that it would be good to have
> >chopsticks in the cutlery drawer on the fifth floor. Consequently I've
> ...



^^ Oh .. just.. fuck.. off!! 

Followed by a group email discussing if they were Chinese or Japanese chopsticks. Fuck off... Geezus


----------



## Kanda (Mar 30, 2009)

Ha.. someone just followed with... 



> Also available in the draws on the 5th is a device they've invented that is essentially 3 or 4 chopsticks pre-configured in way that actually makes it easy to pick up food.... a fork.


----------



## beeboo (Mar 30, 2009)

A message from our postroom:



> To whom it may concern ?
> We have a bag in the mailroom that has been delivered by Royal Mail which is addressed to "Donkeymouth", if anyone wishes to claim it please call xxxxx on #xxxxx
> Many thanks


----------



## beeboo (Mar 30, 2009)

I didn't realise the world of stamps was so fast moving as to demand twice-monthly meetings 



> Anyone else share my passion for all things stamp related? I'm thinking of forming a club for fellow enthusiasts, meeting up say once a fortnight to compare collections, discuss the latest Royal Mail special editions and stuff like that. I'm especially interested in the Queen Victoria 1847-1900 period - fascinating stuff!
> 
> Please do drop me a line if you are interested!
> 
> ps - I have a spare Wmk Anchor 2½d Rosy Mauve on white paper if anyone fancies a swap?


----------



## xes (Mar 30, 2009)

we had one a few years ago that went something like this.

 "can whoever is leaving a large log in the gents toilet please make sure that it's flushed before you leave, the cleaners will leave it in future"


----------



## madzone (Mar 30, 2009)

Kanda said:


> Ha.. someone just followed with...


 Can you email them back and tell them it's DRAWERS!

FFS


----------



## Schmetterling (Mar 30, 2009)

5t3IIa said:


> "You should go over and sneeze in his bin" still makes me lol



... and I am honoured still.


----------



## Donna Ferentes (Mar 30, 2009)

Badgers said:


> No one else enjoys repetition as much as me?



Chairman Mao likes repetition.


----------



## Kanda (Mar 31, 2009)

Just got this: 



> Dear Gents (ladies, please look away),
> 
> I have a client coming in in a few minutes. Had they used the nearest gents’ toilet they would have been confronted with no fewer than six paper towels on the floor, some of them six feet from the bin plus several other random pieces pages of paper. The last user had managed to miss the bowl and, perhaps to demonstrate that this was not a 100% miss, had failed to flush. I didn’t enjoy picking up the bits of paper and cleaning the floor but it had to be done.
> 
> ...


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Mar 31, 2009)

"_Confronted with no fewer than six paper towels on the floor_"!!!!! OMG!!!!


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 31, 2009)

Kanda said:


> Just got this:



I like that one. Steven is clearly not a mad man.


----------



## tommers (Mar 31, 2009)

It's always coffee mugs.  Our sink is building up and the cleaners are apparently refusing to do them so it's only a matter of time now...


----------



## spacemonkey (Mar 31, 2009)

> *PLEASE put your own dirty cups and spoons in the dishwasher*, don't leave them on/in the sink for the same few colleagues (usually admin) to put in the dishwasher. We already run the Tea club, put the dishwasher on and unload it, get the milk and sugar, sort the smelly fridge out and occasionally wipe the draining board down.....
> 
> Thanks in anticipation.


 
My line manager broke the first rule of Tea Club.


----------



## miniGMgoit (Mar 31, 2009)

Go damn it.
I had been saving all the office rant's for just such a thread.
I left my job 5 weeks ago though.
I had some corkers


----------



## bluestreak (Apr 7, 2009)

I think this may qualify:




			
				bluey's manager said:
			
		

> I want to run you over uploading this information with you this afternoon.


 
You want to run me over? Was it something I said? I've already uploaded it, you may have to wait til I'm walking home and hit and run.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Apr 7, 2009)

bluestreak said:


> I think this may qualify:
> 
> 
> 
> You want to run me over? Was it something I said? I've already uploaded it, you may have to wait til I'm walking home and hit and run.



God, s/he thinks you are _thick_


----------



## Badgers (Apr 24, 2009)

wish it was real


----------



## marty21 (Apr 24, 2009)

just had someone ring me up about not replying to 2 of his emails, I said I have replied, then he said "oh, I haven't checked my email yet"


----------



## Fozzie Bear (Apr 24, 2009)

Subject:	Sugar supplies
We are currently using three times the amount of sugar within the building.
At this moment 1 box of sugar is only lasting any given floor 1 -2 days.  What can I say.  The sugar has to be going somewhere and I don't think it is into tea or coffee which is being consumed within xxxx xxxx.  For this reason we will no longer keep supplies in the ground floor kitchen.  We will also keep a log of what floor and date sugar is dispensed.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Apr 24, 2009)

Fozzie Bear said:


> Subject:	Sugar supplies
> We are currently using three times the amount of sugar within the building.
> At this moment 1 box of sugar is only lasting any given floor 1 -2 days.  What can I say.  The sugar has to be going somewhere and I don't think it is into tea or coffee which is being consumed within xxxx xxxx.  For this reason we will no longer keep supplies in the ground floor kitchen.  We will also keep a log of what floor and date sugar is dispensed.



What's happening to it then?


----------



## neonwilderness (Apr 24, 2009)

5t3IIa said:


> What's happening to it then?









?


----------



## Fozzie Bear (Apr 24, 2009)

Fucked if I know or care - I don't even have sugar in my tea.


----------



## internetstalker (May 1, 2009)

The quartlarly newsletter was just about to be sent out to everyone in the company with this in it:

" we have supplied 246 shits to ****"


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 1, 2009)

Shifts? 

lol


----------



## oicur0t (May 10, 2009)

I once sent an email to the whole head office about some essential IT work we were carrying out....

the choice line was..."we will be shitting down the server rack" Oops 

Suffice to say, everyone quickly got the information registered in their brain!


----------



## Kanda (May 20, 2009)

Following on from her excellent toilet email a few weeks ago, C has produced this bit of genius addressed to everyone:



> Dear water lovers,
> 
> <company name> has managed to employ children.
> 
> ...


----------



## Badgers (May 20, 2009)

Winner there Kanda ^ ^ 

This thread has really slowed down of late. 
Anyone would think that less Urbanites are working in offices or something


----------



## internetstalker (May 20, 2009)

Badgers said:


> Winner there Kanda ^ ^
> 
> This thread has really slowed down of late.
> Anyone would think that less Urbanites are working in offices or something



it's the crunch innit!


----------



## Badgers (May 20, 2009)

The crunch should be making people pettier and angrier though? 
Although less people are working those that are should be writing twice the number of scolding emails.


----------



## Kanda (May 20, 2009)

Her previous one was good too: http://www.urban75.net/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=8803381&postcount=883


----------



## teuchter (May 20, 2009)

> please inform one of the team of trained water tray technicians



She needs to explain the protocol for doing this.


----------



## A Dashing Blade (May 20, 2009)

"Due to the forthcoming Bank Holiday, I am cancelling Monday's regular meeting"

FFS! No Shit Sherlock!


----------



## Kanda (May 20, 2009)

A Dashing Blade said:


> "Due to the forthcoming Bank Holiday, I am cancelling Monday's regular meeting"
> 
> FFS! No Shit Sherlock!



Slack at your place.. our lot are working!


----------



## sned (May 21, 2009)

At the car hire company that sponsors a west country rugby club that i used to work for, we were regularly in receipt of e-mails asking us not to use deodorant in the office.. not sure why. maybe health and safety (fire hazard?? asthmatics?? (i'm asthmatic and deodorant has never set me off!))

can't think of any others...
boring!


----------



## ajdown (May 26, 2009)

Just had this gem round from our finance department.  Exact copy paste.



> Dear All on the first floor
> 
> WHERE HAVE ALL THE TEASPOONS GONE THERE IS ONLY FOUR LEFT IN THE KITCHEN LAST WEEK WE HAD AT LEAST A DOZEN ?????????????????????????????????????????
> 
> ...


----------



## QueenOfGoths (May 26, 2009)

ajdown said:


> Just had this gem round from our finance department.  Exact copy paste.



Nice use of capitals and the question mark though perhaps she could have matched the number of ? with the number of teaspoons missing for extra kudos


----------



## ajdown (May 26, 2009)

I'm tempted to buy a pack of spoons at the pound shop, and put one in a jiffy bag every day and post it to her with a picture from somewhere around the world, with a note on the back "enjoyed my holiday".


----------



## teuchter (May 26, 2009)

QueenOfGoths said:


> Nice use of capitals and the question mark though perhaps she could have matched the number of ? with the number of teaspoons missing for extra judos



Also, using "are" rather than "is" would have conveyed the multiple nature of the disappearances rather more emphatically.


----------



## pootle (May 26, 2009)

Re: the recent bird flu scare:



> Title: Swine Flu Precautions
> Body: A little-known symptom of swine flu which affects only people in Estates and Facilities is red faces...
> One of our more scientifically literate colleagues has correctly pointed out that swine flu is a virus and that antibacterial soap is no more effective than ordinary soap and water, and that over-use of antibacterial products will, in the long term, cause problems for the population as a whole.  Extensive Googling has found plenty of expert advice which supports that view, and none to the contrary, so do not be surprised to find a change back to ordinary soap.


 
  I'm gald that they will changing it back.  The stuff very much reminds me of man fat


----------



## catinthehat (May 29, 2009)

Badgers said:


> Because our MD strolled past the desks of two employees last week.
> 
> One was on a gambling site
> One was reading about ladybirds



Only the most miserable bastard could tell someone off for reading about ladybirds


----------



## sorearm (May 30, 2009)

catinthehat said:


> Only the most miserable bastard could tell someone off for reading about ladybirds



((((ladybirds))))

ladybirds are just the most coolest ever! 

kill the manager in the face, the miserable cunt!


----------



## Mation (Jun 3, 2009)

No 2 said:
			
		

> Dear All
> 
> When I arrived this morning I was  rather disturbed to find that not only was my door unlocked but someone had been  through my desk drawers, whilst access to all offices in the absence of the  member of staff is often necessary that should not extend to the drawers without  permission and the office should be re locked, it would also be common courtesy  to inform R*** or the office holder that access is required. I would like to  establish who this was and for what purpose.



Ha ha 

(Wasn't me!)


----------



## Mr Smin (Jun 3, 2009)

sned said:


> At the car hire company that sponsors a west country rugby club that i used to work for, we were regularly in receipt of e-mails asking us not to use deodorant in the office.. not sure why. maybe health and safety (fire hazard?? asthmatics?? (i'm asthmatic and deodorant has never set me off!))
> 
> can't think of any others...
> boring!



BO fetishist in your firm? If it's the firm i'm thinking of, then it's my mate on some animal-rights-inspired ploy.


----------



## miniGMgoit (Jun 4, 2009)

> Dear All
> 
> I was wondering if people could leave the cars not parked directly outside 165 as the homeless guys drinking out the back are using the cars as tables.
> For example the car I use had marks on it the bonnet and liquid on it.



I regularly use the car as a coffee table and ash tray too.


----------



## Ted Striker (Jun 4, 2009)

Just wanted to say a big thank you for all involved in this thread. It's always recieved embarassing guffaws at my desk and today is no exception


----------



## stupid dogbot (Jun 4, 2009)

This is a month old, but I can't not post it...



> From: ***** ************
> Sent: 14 May 2009 13:52
> To: allstaff
> Subject: Milk
> ...



*guffaw*


----------



## Kanda (Jun 4, 2009)

wtf ^^ 

lol

I make bacon sarnies and everything at work!!


----------



## stupid dogbot (Jun 4, 2009)

I know, innit?


----------



## internetstalker (Jun 8, 2009)

> All,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Doh!


----------



## genee_rave (Jun 22, 2009)

Not an office one but just saw this posted on the Drowned In Sound site, from a scolding housemate:

Hey, I'll get to the point.

There are two groups of people I’m willing to clean up after, kids in diapers and the elderly in diapers and it’s not that I’m a nice person; it’s just that they can’t and someone has to.

Now the last time I checked, barring any unforeseen accident’s whilst compiling this email that would cause any of my housemates to become dependent on diapers, none of the people in this house wear them.

As I’m not the type of person to point any fingers and would rather just get the issues sorted, I’d like to address the following:
Simply put: The kitchen and the bathroom. Allow me to elaborate:

The kitchen:

1. As we live in a shared house, and share dishes, pot and pans, but do not have meals together, it means that when one leaves the kitchen, it should be left spotless – all pots and pans ready to be used by the next person. Also not to be taken from the drying rack, but from the cupboard.

2. The drying rack in a normal household would be just that, a drying rack. But as this is a shared house, see it as more as a temporary storage place for the dishes you just washed, before you dry and put them away. If in future, dish drying towels become obsolete, I’m sure we can look at this issue again – but until then, they should be used for their purpose. I’m tired of putting away or even washing dishes I need cause someone else didn’t.

3. After doing dishes, the counter top should be wiped clean AND dry of any water that might have ran down the back of the counter whilst washing up. Be sure to pick up the kettle dock and wipe it dry too. Hazard of execution are low to none, so don’t worry about it.

4. When cooking, oil and water splatters and spills – not only onto the stove surface, but also on surrounding appliances (toaster), counter top, and tiles. These should all we wiped down to be clean AND dry after cooking a meal regardless to whether you think it necessary or not.

5. When making coffee, any spills (water, coffee, tea, milk or sugar) should be wiped clean. This also applies to the washing machine top that for some reason beyond my comprehension always has coffee stains on it.

6. Now this might come as a surprise, but handling bread in general for making toast or sandwiches, tends to make the bread crumble. Now these crumbs shouldn’t be left on the table or counter top and certainly not on the toaster top.

7. It may or may not have been noticed, but it took me the better part of a Sunday to clean the oven. I expect it to be kept clean. Thus, when making anything in the oven, requires the oven pan and its rack to be properly washed on each occasion– also covered in foil to make your cleaning experience of it less memorable.

8. Now assuming that the counter tops are going to be kept clean, bits of pasta and such shouldn’t be an issue, but for the sake of the argument, I don’t like pasta lying around, especially on the floor.

The bathroom:

1. Nobody likes a floater – so check before you leave.

2. Nobody likes streak marks, so check and clean before you leave.

3. Shaving wet or dry, beards or legs – if I wanted anyone’s hair between my fingers, I’d run my hands through that persons hair. As you’ve not been approached by me for this reason, you can take my word that I'm not going to in future either. Thus, when shaving, make sure you wash (with soap - not just rinse) the basin and or bath, and make sure there is no hair in, on or around it, and the same goes for the soap dispenser and floor.

As I eat in my room, I make sure I clean the kitchen before I take my food upstairs. If you're afraid that your food is going to get cold, well then you’ll just have to learn to clean while making food. It’s really not that difficult.

Apologies if anyone feels offended, but if you were offended, the offence you took begs investigation on your part.

I trust that we’ll get along just fine in future.

Thanks

PS - As I'm probably also in the wrong about something, should you have any issue to raise, please do.


----------



## May Kasahara (Jun 22, 2009)

Five minutes in my house and that person's head would explode.


----------



## UnderAnOpenSky (Jun 22, 2009)

genee_rave said:


> 2. The drying rack in a normal household would be just that, a drying rack. But as this is a shared house, see it as more as a temporary storage place for the dishes you just washed, before you dry and put them away. If in future, dish drying towels become obsolete, I’m sure we can look at this issue again – but until then, they should be used for their purpose. I’m tired of putting away or even washing dishes I need cause someone else didn’t.
> 
> 3. After doing dishes, the counter top should be wiped clean AND dry of any water that might have ran down the back of the counter whilst washing up. Be sure to pick up the kettle dock and wipe it dry too. Hazard of execution are low to none, so don’t worry about it.



I'd love have lived with their housemates when I shared accommodation, if I found everything clean and on the draining bored it would have been happy days!


----------



## sned (Jun 22, 2009)

genee_rave said:


> 3. After doing dishes, the counter top should be wiped clean AND dry of any water that might have ran down the back of the counter whilst washing up. Be sure to pick up the kettle dock and wipe it dry too. Hazard of *execution* are low to none, so don’t worry about it.



Lol, i would hope not.


----------



## genee_rave (Jun 23, 2009)

I wonder how much time went into composing that email? He's obviously put a lot of effort into trying to be witty!


----------



## strung out (Jun 23, 2009)

yet still managed to come out looking like a complete arse


----------



## electroplated (Jun 25, 2009)

my office manager said:
			
		

> We have sparkling water in the fridge again but please note this is for consumption during external meetings only.



The credit crunch would appear to have hit my workplace...


----------



## marty21 (Aug 4, 2009)

not an email, but a letter received, which made me lol



> I asked her what her name was as I couldn't remember, "fuck you, it's none of your business what my fucking name is . Mrs Fucking Bollocks is what you can call me , Mrs Bollocks"


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Aug 4, 2009)

marty21 said:


> not an email, but a letter received, which made me lol



That is class


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 4, 2009)

I'd uphold that tbh


----------



## sorearm (Aug 4, 2009)

marty21 said:


> not an email, but a letter received, which made me lol



THAT made me chuckle a hell of a lot, I like it


----------



## Voley (Aug 4, 2009)

That's ace, marty. 

I miss working in housing sometimes.


----------



## Badgers (Aug 6, 2009)

One I just spotted from 01/08/08: 



> STOP ALL SLEDGING


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 6, 2009)

> Go over and sneeze in his bin!



I used to re-read that cuz it always guranteed a lol


----------



## internetstalker (Aug 12, 2009)

> Stalker,
> 
> I noticed you were on on facebook posting messages on Tuesday just before 3pm in work hours.
> 
> ...



makes me glad I handed in my notice


----------



## sorearm (Aug 12, 2009)

internetstalker said:


> makes me glad I handed in my notice



tea break?

we always have tea break at 10am and 3pm (very civilised I know)...


----------



## internetstalker (Aug 13, 2009)

sorearm said:


> tea break?
> 
> we always have tea break at 10am and 3pm (very civilised I know)...



well the truth is, I was wating on the phone.

It's funny how I get no praise for answering the phone on my lunch break (not that I expect any) but when i write on facebook whilst on the phone i get shit for it


----------



## teuchter (Aug 13, 2009)

internetstalker said:


> well the truth is, I was wating on the phone.
> 
> It's funny how I get no praise for answering the phone on my lunch break (not that I expect any) but when i write on facebook whilst on the phone i get shit for it



Did they see you with facebook open on your computer or did they look on facebook itself and see that you had been on it at that time?


----------



## Badgers (Aug 13, 2009)

Great pettiness levels there internetstalker  

That sort of management twatness encourages a work to rule attitude!!


----------



## internetstalker (Aug 13, 2009)

teuchter said:


> Did they see you with facebook open on your computer or did they look on facebook itself and see that you had been on it at that time?



After a bit more digging what it was was this:

a colleague updated his status to 'what a shit day' at 14:50

I clicked 'Like'

course theres no way of knowing what time Like was clicked, so a bit of an own goal from my boss.

However, If he looked, he would see I sent people messages at 9 & 10 am

lol


----------



## teuchter (Aug 13, 2009)

internetstalker said:


> After a bit more digging what it was was this:
> 
> a colleague updated his status to 'what a shit day' at 14:50
> 
> ...



Surely the question is why _he_ was looking at Facebook, what with the current workload and the team being flat out busy and that.

Maybe you could send him a facebook message asking that. Expressing your concern on behalf of the team.


----------



## marty21 (Aug 13, 2009)

wouldn't want anyone at work checking my facebook tbf, or knowing user names on other stuff


----------



## Badgers (Aug 13, 2009)

teuchter said:


> Surely the question is why _he_ was looking at Facebook, what with the current workload and the team being flat out busy and that.
> 
> Maybe you could send him a facebook message asking that. Expressing your concern on behalf of the team.



Do it five minutes before your shift starts


----------



## teuchter (Aug 13, 2009)

marty21 said:


> wouldn't want anyone at work checking my facebook tbf, or knowing user names on other stuff



For this reason I clear the cookies etc on my browser each time I leave the office...


----------



## sorearm (Aug 14, 2009)

Badgers said:


> Great pettiness levels there internetstalker
> 
> That sort of management twatness encourages a work to rule attitude!!



same here

we have this shite and I've taken the attitude that management bollocks don't notice when you bust a gut but so quick to jump all over you. Utter failure of decent people management.

Now I don't answer the phone on my lunch break, I either have my earphones on pretending to listen to music on the computer or just ignore it. Fuck them.

You don't get any credit is the bottom line so why should you push yourself out???


----------



## drachir (Aug 14, 2009)

I got a verbal warning at a what used to be fun company (I've left there now) for this incident.
We had a new head of someshit, doing nothing for shitloads of money. After being there about 2 weeks, she sent around an incredibly long email about a new policy.
I replied to all with longcat.
The verbal warning was completely worth it for the mad props.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 14, 2009)

*Scolding Bog Message*


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 14, 2009)

5t3IIa said:


>


what are you going to do now then?


----------



## prunus (Aug 14, 2009)

Perhaps they could put this request in a different way?


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Aug 14, 2009)

5t3IIa said:


>



Ask them to please 'reframe' their message!


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 14, 2009)

Pickman's model said:


> what are you going to do now then?



Well, there doesn't seem to be any sanction against putting paper towels in the toilet so I'll just carry on I suppose.


----------



## prunus (Aug 14, 2009)

QueenOfGoths said:


> Ask them to please 'reframe' their message!



Oi!  Get in the queue for that joke!


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Aug 14, 2009)

prunus said:


> Oi!  Get in the queue for that joke!



 I'm always behind the times!


----------



## Badgers (Aug 14, 2009)

1000 posts draw near and suddenly the 'scolding' goes mad...


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 14, 2009)

Oh crap not another one


----------



## prunus (Aug 14, 2009)

There's always another one.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 14, 2009)

God nooooooooooooo


----------



## Badgers (Aug 15, 2009)

The loop never ends does it?


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 15, 2009)

If I post this I am gifting you the next one aren't I? 

bastard


----------



## Badgers (Aug 15, 2009)

Nah, it is not my turn


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 15, 2009)

Or maybe not.....


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 15, 2009)

Badgers said:


> Nah, it is not my turn



Fuck it!


----------



## Badgers (Aug 15, 2009)

Bugger


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 15, 2009)

Yeah yeah "Oops!"

Uh-huh


----------



## Badgers (Aug 15, 2009)

When I make the 20k I will have a couple of years off I think


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 15, 2009)

And again - uh-huh


----------



## Badgers (Aug 15, 2009)

You will then be the queen of the drag treacle


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 15, 2009)

Not positive I want that ta 

Though I has been plotting Monday morning coup of the drag thread. Was gonna get Teeps to make that pic up into a film poster style thing and ting.


----------



## Badgers (Aug 15, 2009)

5t3IIa said:


> Not positive I want that ta
> 
> Though I has been plotting Monday morning coup of the drag thread. Was gonna get Teeps to make that pic up into a film poster style thing and ting.



Ed and I have an understanding regarding my intellectual property rights of the word drag. 
I don't purport to own the actual word but spin off threads will be dealt with swiftly and remorselessly. 

When I plucked you from the ranks of the younglings my Padawan I knew you had the sort of moxy that might mean you challenge me and I salute this. But you can't win, 5t3IIa. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 15, 2009)

*makes face*


----------



## el-ahrairah (Aug 17, 2009)

drachir said:


> I got a verbal warning at a what used to be fun company (I've left there now) for this incident.
> We had a new head of someshit, doing nothing for shitloads of money. After being there about 2 weeks, she sent around an incredibly long email about a new policy.
> I replied to all with longcat.
> The verbal warning was completely worth it for the mad props.



Which longcat?

This one?







Or this one?


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 20, 2009)

This new place I'm in is gold


----------



## PacificOcean (Aug 24, 2009)

5t3IIa said:


> This new place I'm in is gold





I also like the way the person had to note that it was an M&S salad rather than just any old salad.


----------



## Schmetterling (Aug 24, 2009)

PacificOcean said:


> I also like the way the person had to note that it was an M&S salad rather than just any old salad.



Also, add a note on split infinitives...


----------



## marty21 (Aug 24, 2009)

5t3IIa said:


> This new place I'm in is gold



and the thief had no shame !


----------



## gabi (Aug 24, 2009)

5t3IIa said:


> This new place I'm in is gold



Did you send that into passiveaggressivenotes.com?


----------



## el-ahrairah (Aug 24, 2009)

marty21 said:


> and the thief had no shame !



Shame never got a thief a lunch.  Only brazen thieves eat well.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 24, 2009)

gabi said:


> Did you send that into passiveaggressivenotes.com?



Snet


----------



## mrs quoad (Aug 25, 2009)

> Dear all
> 
> I truly apologise for sending this email; please keep in mind that I did
> try to avoid it as much as I could ...
> ...


(p.s. I work from home, but felt privileged to've been included )


----------



## Treacle Toes (Aug 25, 2009)

That person was FAR too nice and apologetic...nothing will change..in fact it will get worse as people attempt to wind them up some more.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 25, 2009)

Correct it and send it back


----------



## Cloo (Aug 26, 2009)

In the fridge - two bottles of champagne with the labels 'Conferences' - touch and DIE'


----------



## rennie (Aug 26, 2009)

Cloo said:


> In the fridge - two bottles of champagne with the labels 'Conferences' - touch and DIE'


----------



## LJo (Aug 26, 2009)

I am confused as to why people expect kitchens to be cleaner in summer.

I am sitting next to my kitchen right now and can testify that it is just as filthy as it is in winter.


----------



## sufilala (Aug 27, 2009)

joy!!!


> ________________________________________
> From: IT Support [mailto:IT.Support@xxxxxx.org.uk]
> Sent: 27 August 2009 17:09
> To: sufi lala
> ...


    
make this thread a sticky go on


----------



## Treacle Toes (Aug 27, 2009)

Everyone that received that last one from IT should reply saying 'sorry, won't do it again'.... It's only polite afterall.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 1, 2009)

A clear & present danger...



> **** has a nut allergy.  If you're preparing nuts in the kitchen please clean up afterwards (somebody didn't today).  She touched the nuts today and came out in a rash - if she swallows them it's 999.



Top tip for nut allergy sufferers, don't touch nuts and whatever you do don't eat them


----------



## PacificOcean (Sep 1, 2009)

*schoolboy snigger*



She can't swallow nuts?  What does she do on a Saturday night then?


----------



## Beanburger (Sep 1, 2009)

"Can whoever used the toilet last show some more respect next time? It's considered courtesy to make sure the runway is clear before the next plane is due to land". 

Every office has it's Alan Partridge.


----------



## mrs quoad (Sep 3, 2009)

email entitled 'toilet habits' said:
			
		

> Dear All
> 
> Further to xxxxx's email, I am circulating a another email to remind you of the
> necessity of good toilet hygiene practices. Most of you already have these but
> ...


*weeps*


----------



## teuchter (Sep 3, 2009)

> so that's the Institute's responsibility sorted



This is my favourite bit.


----------



## temper_tantrum (Sep 3, 2009)

> all individuals have a responsibility to use the toilets appropriately



That's *my *favourite!


----------



## beeboo (Sep 3, 2009)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> A clear & present danger...
> 
> 
> 
> Top tip for nut allergy sufferers, don't touch nuts and whatever you do don't eat them



 

It must be tragic, being involuntarily compelled to touch nuts, despite the potentially lethal consequences


----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 3, 2009)

mrs quoad said:


> *weeps*



loving the sarky quote marks around bin. Lovely touch.


----------



## ovaltina (Sep 3, 2009)

> Confidential documents that have been printed but not collected are sometimes left on the photocopiers: I saw some again today that were absolutely confidential, and have shredded them.  We must never risk leaving anything confidential (that includes person identifiable data and commercially confidential papers) on the photocopiers, nor where people can easily see them.
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you.



Fair enough really...


----------



## Mr_Nice (Sep 7, 2009)

*It had to happen .....*

Dear all

I have received several comments about the condition of the gents toilets and the kitchen in xxxxxx House.

Can you please treat these areas, the whole building in fact, with respect as you would your own homes.

Thank you.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Sep 7, 2009)

Mr_Nice said:


> Can you please treat these areas, the whole building in fact, with respect as you would your own homes.
> 
> Thank you.



When I treat the office like I do my own home, I get arrested.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 8, 2009)

> There's been another outrage with the ladies toilets ........ The handle has broken off the toilet system in what the ladies call the poo toilet




Poo toilet


----------



## FabricLiveBaby! (Sep 8, 2009)

Complaining about the toilets is fine IMO.  No one likes to see a turd after having their lunch.


----------



## Ted Striker (Sep 8, 2009)

5t3IIa said:


> This new place I'm in is gold



Christ that's made me look like such a twat sat at my desk - I can grit my teeth but I can't stop my shoulders shaking incontrolably!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 8, 2009)

FabricLiveBaby! said:


> Complaining about the toilets is fine IMO.  No one likes to see a turd after having their lunch.



Nah, you read it wrong. It now turns out that the girls have one trap for shitting and another for pissing. The shit trap is known as the 'Poo toilet'. This is news to us non-girls in da office.


----------



## stupid dogbot (Sep 29, 2009)

> From: **** *********
> Sent: 29 September 2009 07:46
> To: *******
> Subject: Boxers in locker room
> ...


----------



## Kanda (Sep 29, 2009)

Our MD...



> *Subject: Bike*
> I am absolutely distraught. I locked my bike up outside the Sun and 13
> cantons while Steve went on at length. And on. And on...
> 
> ...



After pissing ourselves, we phoned a locksmith


----------



## The Boy (Sep 29, 2009)

Kanda said:


> Our MD...
> 
> 
> 
> After pissing ourselves, we phoned a locksmith



How in the name of anything does that count as an IT problem?


----------



## Kanda (Sep 29, 2009)

The Boy said:


> How in the name of anything does that count as an IT problem?



Everythings our problem.. 

Well, we're likely the only ones that are likely to be able to do it.


----------



## Me76 (Sep 29, 2009)

Today must be the day for it:



> As I have told you all before XXXX and I should not have to clear out the drain when it is blocked by coffee grounds – it is a very unpleasant job.  The consequence of a blocked drain is that the server room may flood and cause significant damage to the server and subsequent loss of IT systems.
> 
> The drain was blocked once again on Friday and but for Noel’s heroic action the above scenario would have occurred.
> 
> ...



The coffee drinkers are going mental.


----------



## teuchter (Sep 29, 2009)

Kanda said:


> Our MD...
> 
> 
> 
> After pissing ourselves, we phoned a locksmith



does the IT department have a reputation for lockbreaking skills?


----------



## Kanda (Sep 29, 2009)

teuchter said:


> does the IT department have a reputation for lockbreaking skills?



A hacksaw is hardly a skill 

Everyone else here either couldn't be arsed, wouldn't know what to do or are just generally jobsworths...


----------



## skyscraper101 (Sep 29, 2009)

Me76 said:


> > The drain was blocked once again on Friday and but for *Noel’s heroic action* the above scenario would have occurred.









Good old Noel


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 30, 2009)

An enigmatic e-mail, empty apart from this subject line:



> china will be shut from 1/10 - 7/10


----------



## Termite Man (Sep 30, 2009)

Kanda said:


> A hacksaw is hardly a skill
> 
> Everyone else here either couldn't be arsed, wouldn't know what to do or are just generally jobsworths...



Since it's a D lock you can pick the bike up and sort of turn it round , this will snap the lock ( although it will also damamge the bike . For no bike damage a car jack would also work to break the D lock . )


----------



## Kanda (Sep 30, 2009)

Or liquid nitrogen and smash it to smithereens 

I couldn't be arsed though. It's his £140 for the locksmith


----------



## Termite Man (Sep 30, 2009)

Kanda said:


> Or liquid nitrogen and smash it to smithereens
> 
> I couldn't be arsed though. It's his £140 for the locksmith



could you not have stolen most of his bike and then given him back the handle bars for a laugh !


----------



## tarannau (Oct 2, 2009)

Well they're not really scolding emails, but I've just received the latest in an all excitement series of 'Toilet Refurbishment Update' emails, fresh for Friday's festivities.

Apparently they're on track, replacing tiles and cracked units and they'll keep the whole company updated via the medium of email. Can't wait.


----------



## jontz01 (Oct 5, 2009)

Not really a scolder but made me laugh so much this morning..... I've been away on hol for a couple of days so when I first got this, I knew about as much the context as you guys 


Hi A***,

As far as I was aware Matt said on Friday that he does it for her every couple of weeks, though Barbera doesn't think she’s had any for ages. I’t would be really good if we could start having it regularly if that’s ok with you.

Thanks for this

Regards 
Jackie



Am I just being childish?


----------



## Mr Retro (Oct 6, 2009)

Termite Man said:


> could you not have stolen most of his bike and then given him back the handle bars for a laugh !


----------



## Kanda (Oct 14, 2009)

Charlotte is my fave office email person:



> Dear esteemed colleagues…
> 
> The time has come when our beloved dishwasher on the 6th floor has reached an age where we have to be gentle with it.  Whilst some of you may still be unaware of its location, others who religiously put their used cups etc in it may have become accustomed to the increased sensitivity of the top basket.
> 
> ...


----------



## Badgers (Oct 14, 2009)

Does she have a heavy workload?


----------



## Kanda (Oct 14, 2009)

Badgers said:


> Does she have a heavy workload?



She does 3 days a week. Not really.

she's completely taking the piss though, it's not serious at all.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Oct 15, 2009)

An email has just come in to maintenance from one of our projects requesting a workman to clear a dead mouse from a service user's flat.

They were politely told to jog on.


----------



## Me76 (Oct 20, 2009)

> Bowing to popular demand I have bought forks and desert spoons for the kitchen.  I notice that already 2 of the spoons are missing, so can I ask you all to return cutlery to the kitchen when you have finished with it.
> 
> A number of you have commented that many of the mugs are chipped and would like them replaced.  XXXXX provide various cutlery, plates etc as well as the tea and coffee so I don’t think it is unreasonable for each of you to bring in one mug – either for your own use (in which case you will need to wash it out and put it away in your drawer at the end of the day) or toward the general pool.  So can I ask you all to do this please? When you bring one in you can select a chipped one and throw it away.



Who would want to be a facilities manager?


----------



## fractionMan (Oct 20, 2009)

Someone really, really tightwad.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Oct 20, 2009)

fractionMan said:


> Someone really, really tightwad.



What happened about your sticky squares in the end?


----------



## fractionMan (Oct 20, 2009)

5t3IIa said:


> What happened about your sticky squares in the end?



They're in the dustbin of history 

Actually, there's one left and I'm gonna stick it back up later.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Oct 20, 2009)

fractionMan said:


> They're in the dustbin of history
> 
> Actually, there's one left and I'm gonna stick it back up later.



Aha! You'll never take me alive!!!!1!!!!

What colour is it?


----------



## fractionMan (Oct 20, 2009)

Blue and yellow


----------



## prunus (Oct 20, 2009)

Kill a fellow.


----------



## paolo (Oct 20, 2009)

"Bowing to popular demand I have bought forks and desert spoons for the kitchen. I notice that already 2 of the spoons are missing, so can I ask you all to return cutlery to the kitchen when you have finished with it.

A number of you have commented that many of the mugs are chipped and would like them replaced. XXXXX provide various cutlery, plates etc as well as the tea and coffee so I don’t think it is unreasonable for each of you to bring in one mug – either for your own use (in which case you will need to wash it out and put it away in your drawer at the end of the day) or toward the general pool. So can I ask you all to do this please? When you bring one in you can select a chipped one and throw it away."


That's awesome. Providing staff with mugs and replacing damaged ones must cost all of about a quid per employee per year. 

Mugs do seem to attract this kind of thing. The other one I've seen that crops up alot is "the cleaners do not have time to wash up mugs". Which is utter bollocks. Like all of us, cleaners have time to do what they are paid for. No more, no less.


----------



## fractionMan (Oct 20, 2009)

I get well pissed off at that too.

I've now come to realise that cleaners don't clean things.  How silly of me.


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 20, 2009)

fractionMan said:


> I get well pissed off at that too.
> 
> I've now come to realise that cleaners don't clean things.  How silly of me.



yeah well, when you have cleaners contracted for 2 hours an evening, there often simply isn't time after having emptied your skanky bins, wiped up your disgusting desk, hoovered etc. 

Want cups washing up as well? take it up with teh management. it's them being too tightwad to pay for an extra 1/2 hour. And yes it does take that long with a decent sized office.


----------



## grit (Oct 20, 2009)

I've never expected office cleaning staff to clean up cuttlery, any place I've worked thats always been on the individual.


----------



## teuchter (Oct 20, 2009)

DotCommunist said:


> Want cups washing up as well? take it up with teh management. it's them being too tightwad to pay for an extra 1/2 hour.



I think that's what paolo meant.


----------



## Belushi (Oct 20, 2009)

grit said:


> I've never expected office cleaning staff to clean up cuttlery, any place I've worked thats always been on the individual.



Me neither. we have a dishwasher and they can put mugs etc in that at the end of the day.


----------



## paolo (Oct 20, 2009)

The more pragmatic places I've worked at have had dishwashers.

e2a: Sort of snap with Belushi


----------



## paolo (Oct 20, 2009)

teuchter said:


> I think that's what paolo meant.



yep.


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 20, 2009)

OK wrath is withdrawn.


----------



## fractionMan (Oct 20, 2009)

teuchter said:


> I think that's what paolo meant.





paolo999 said:


> yep.



this ^^


----------



## marty21 (Oct 20, 2009)

haven't had one of these emails for ages, but from November when i start the new gig,  i expect them to flood into my inbox


----------



## BoatieBird (Oct 22, 2009)

> IT Support now has the use of a “Sack Trolley” and Whereas the priority in its use will remain with IT Support. It can be available for use by individuals in the department for any awkward or large moves.
> 
> With this goes the following proviso’s
> 
> ...



This really makes me want to use the trolley in an inappropriate way  
Suggestions welcome


----------



## teuchter (Oct 22, 2009)

BoatieBird said:


> This really makes me want to use the trolley in an inappropriate way
> Suggestions welcome



That memo really makes me want to send the author back to school to learn to write and punctuate properly.


----------



## marty21 (Oct 22, 2009)

teuchter said:


> That memo really makes me want to send the author back to school to learn to write and punctuate properly.



lock the author in the trolley


----------



## Mr_Nice (Oct 28, 2009)

MMMM another Fridge Issue ......

Dear all

I have received several comments regarding people taking food out of the fridge in xxxxxxxx House which does not belong to them.  Can you please out of courtesy and respect to your colleagues only use what food you have brought yourselves.

If you need any labels to mark which food is yours there are plenty in the stationery cupboards.

Thank you.

I have yet to see a pen talk about a stationery cupboard


----------



## marty21 (Nov 6, 2009)

> Dear colleagues
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This was forwarded to me, apparently someone stole half a sandwich, and half a pot of yoghurt  hanging isn't good enough for these food robbers


----------



## free spirit (Nov 6, 2009)

BoatieBird said:


> This really makes me want to use the trolley in an inappropriate way
> Suggestions welcome


I'd have had to twoc that trolley immediately that I got that email, just on general principle


----------



## paolo (Nov 6, 2009)

BoatieBird said:


> This really makes me want to use the trolley in an inappropriate way
> Suggestions welcome



Any overly prescriptive instructions should be broken, in a manner not explicitly excluded by those instructions.

Send email alluding to this.

_"{Colleague},

Hear hear. Not only should you not damage the trolley, but leave it better than you found it, I reckon!

Personally I thought it would be nice to have an attached CD player, so I've gas welded it to the MD's five series.

Am having difficulty getting the trolley back in from the car park though. Don't think your instructions covered this scenario. Might be worth updating, and sending around another all-staff email again?

Thanks,
{Office Pest}
"_


----------



## marty21 (Nov 22, 2009)

> As we settle in to our new environment just a few reminders!
> 
> Noise
> 
> ...



not at my office thank fuck


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Nov 22, 2009)

> · Put desk telephones to low to medium ring volumes and remember to divert them or ask a colleague to answer your phone when you are away from your desk.
> 
> · Put mobiles and blackberries to low or vibrate and do not leave them at your workstation when you are away from your desk.



These two should be absolute law though.


----------



## stethoscope (Nov 22, 2009)

> Staff are asked to not use plastic milk bottles or other such items to prop open the windows. This may constitute a health and safety hazard and also projects a less than professional image.



Thanks for that estates department, so how about repairing them like we've asked you to do for the last year?


----------



## mrs quoad (Dec 18, 2009)

> Dear whoever can't aim
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Please, for the love of god, can we have a separate toilet-users Institutional email list?


----------



## May Kasahara (Jan 21, 2010)

I haven't been able to contribute to this fine thread for ages but luckily our resident saddo struck again last week with another thin-lipped note attached to the dishwasher:



> BE NICE IF SOMEONE ELSE EMPTIED THIS ONCE IN A WHILE!!!



I took great pleasure in removing the note and throwing it in the bin


----------



## Badgers (Jan 21, 2010)

May Kasahara said:


> I took great pleasure in removing the note and throwing it in the bin



Heh... 

Been a while since anyone round these parts got a scolding


----------



## Elvis Parsley (Jan 26, 2010)

> Dear all
> 
> I am sorry to rant at you all, however i will.
> 
> ...



my reply:


----------



## Kanda (Jan 26, 2010)

From one of our Directors... 



> Subject: Gents of xxx: Important Japanese clients are for the next couple of hours ...
> 
> 
> ..I’ve already cleaned out the bogs once ..please try to hit the relevant bowls, first with your wee and second with your paper towel.



We got this one a bit earlier from him: 



> Subjects: Clients
> 
> Dear All,
> 
> There’s a string of clients coming in today from 10am until 6pm, some of which may be taken on an office tour … please note …


----------



## JDM (Jan 26, 2010)

Someone at my place of work managed to send a company-wide email with simply the name of one of the company directors as the Subject line and nothing in the body of the email. Replied to pretty quickly with a blunt "What is the purpose of this email?".


----------



## sim667 (Jan 26, 2010)

> ‘******** College now has a presence on Facebook.  If you are a member of Facebook you can join our group by searching for ‘******* College News’.  A link to Facebook is also available via the main college website.  We will be updating the page regularly with college news and it also gives you the chance to provide feedback to us on the future of ******** College.’



Facebook is censored at work


----------



## Badgers (Jan 26, 2010)

A good day of scolding


----------



## Mr_Nice (Feb 4, 2010)

All

Unfortunately we have just had an incident where the whiteboard in RL01 fell off of the wall during a meeting narrowly missing a lady sitting by it; she was not hurt but has had to log it in the accident book.

We are having all the whiteboard fittings checked as a matter of urgency but in the meantime please can you take extra care.

Kind regards
xxxx

Prolly best part of the meeting


----------



## skyscraper101 (Feb 4, 2010)

I wish I could remember the text of the original email sent worldwide to all employees of warner music group by the CEO in new york about the 'forthcoming Madonna album' and how she has been working with 'x producer' creating 'one of the most exciting releases ever' blah blah...

To which some genius London based colleague hit 'reply to all' with this one line: "what a load of arse-burgers"


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Feb 10, 2010)

not quite scolding perhaps, but sent to the whole organisation?!....

_I think the kettle on the second floor may have gone the way of the last one. It doesn't seem to be working anymore._


----------



## Upchuck (Feb 10, 2010)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> _I think the kettle on the second floor may have gone the way of the last one. It doesn't seem to be working anymore._



Brilliant


----------



## Badgers (Feb 10, 2010)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> not quite scolding perhaps, but sent to the whole organisation?!....
> 
> _I think the kettle on the second floor may have gone the way of the last one. It doesn't seem to be working anymore._



Just for context, how many people got this email?


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Feb 10, 2010)

Badgers said:


> Just for context, how many people got this email?


probably about 50!


----------



## May Kasahara (Feb 10, 2010)

That's like when someone in our place accidentally hits 'all' when emailing that there is leftover food in the first floor kitchen; not sure workers in the Cardiff or London offices would really trek to L-star for that.


----------



## Badgers (Feb 10, 2010)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> probably about 50!



No responses though, I find this disappointing. 
Could you organise a wake for the kettle?


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Feb 10, 2010)

Badgers said:


> No responses though, I find this disappointing.
> Could you organise a wake for the kettle?


what do you reckon, burial at sea or ceremonial cremation?


----------



## rapattaque (Feb 10, 2010)

Hi,



A few things have come to my attention that I want to put straight…

When you start first thing I don’t want to see anybody go straight onto ebay or any other non work related sites

I don’t want to see anybody listening to music unless they have specifically told myself or Charan they are on their break.

I don’t want to see anyone chatting on MSN.

I don’t want to see anyone on their mobiles or wondering off to talk on their mobiles unless they have specifically told myself or Charan it is important/an emergency

If myself or Charan do see any of the above, warnings will be given, and then the matter will be taken further.

If anyone has an issue with any of this, see me.



Regards





Lee


----------



## Badgers (Feb 10, 2010)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> what do you reckon, burial at sea or ceremonial cremation?



I think burial at sea might be overdoing it for a kettle? Maybe you could rip the lid off, fill it with earth and then plant a single rose in it so future generations can enjoy it?


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Feb 10, 2010)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> not quite scolding perhaps, but sent to the whole organisation?!....
> 
> _I think the kettle on the second floor may have gone the way of the last one. It doesn't seem to be working anymore._



Did anyone take it upon themselves to replace the kettle or is it just still languishing there


----------



## teuchter (Feb 10, 2010)

rapattaque said:


> Hi,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Wander off with your mobile and phone him to tell him you have an issue with this. But make sure to specifically tell him it is important first.


----------



## Scarlette (Feb 10, 2010)

I got a key to a different toilet at work yesterday, due to the previous encumbent (sp) walking out. Anyway, in this toilet there is a notice on every wall saying things like 'LADIES! Alway THINK: would you do that at home!' and 'Flush the toilet when you have used it!' and 'Don't put the toilet roll on the floor, it's DIRTY!'

It's a magical place. The women in that corridor must have very messy habits. I am looking at them all differently now.


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Feb 10, 2010)

Badgers;10302513]I think burial at sea might be overdoing it for a kettle? Maybe you could rip the lid off said:


> Did anyone take it upon themselves to replace the kettle or is it just still languishing there


we're all too afraid to ask down here


----------



## Kanda (Feb 10, 2010)

Not scolding but I just got this one:



> From: Office Manager
> Sent: 10 February 2010 13:53
> To:  Everyone
> Subject: Cake...
> ...


----------



## machine cat (Feb 10, 2010)

Kanda said:


> Not scolding but I just got this one:
> 
> _From: Office Manager
> Sent: 10 February 2010 13:53
> ...



That's awesome!


----------



## souljacker (Feb 11, 2010)

Good morning Everyone,
During the last few weeks, due to the holiday period, we have a lost a little bit the focus on the business and things that we were not doing in the past, we have come back and start doing them again.
Those things are:
-          Some staff are getting late in the morning, nearly every day, and we do not do any catch up of that time.
-          We do not call into the office to let know that we are coming late.
-          We test to let know about coming late, and as the hand book state, we have to call in.
-          Use of personal mobile phones in the office. I understand that you could receive an emergency calls, and we have never been against that, but at least lower the sound of it, as the other people are concentrate on their work.
-          Testing with personal mobile phone.
-          Eating at the desk. How are you going to answer a call having a sandwich at the same time? 
-          Smoking breaks: why are we not using the cones any more, and there is 4 people going for a cigarette at the same time?

If we do not change this straight away, some actions will need to be put in place, just to keep people focus on the business. Because as you know we are behind plan.

I hope to see an improvement on the above during the next few days.


----------



## marty21 (Feb 11, 2010)

*where's the fucking door*



> We have signed up a tenant for the above property, she has reported that the bathroom has no door , I’ve been around, it is an unusual bathroom, there are supposed to be two doors and one is missing, could you contact the tenant on , to arrange for a door to be fitted?





> There were definitely 2 doors on the bathroom at hand back, what has happened to the door?


 

first one was from me, I don't rant, I just need to know where the FUCKING DOOR IS


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Feb 11, 2010)

Kanda said:


> Not scolding but I just got this one:



hmmm,

I received 3 distribution list emails this morning about cake. Someones birthday, someone completing a project and someone becoming a grandfather.
That going out to 80 people.
30 seconds to read each email.
Almost 2 hours of mantime. 
Now imagine hiring a consultant whose task it was to read every email about cake @950 Krona an hour (normal going rate).
That's £223.40 on emails about fucking cake just today.


I should write an email


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 11, 2010)

souljacker said:


> Good morning Everyone,
> During the last few weeks, due to the holiday period, we have a lost a little bit the focus on the business and things that we were not doing in the past, we have come back and start doing them again.
> Those things are:
> -          Some staff are getting late in the morning, nearly every day, and we do not do any catch up of that time.
> ...



Add to the list:

"We seem to have lost the ability to speak English too."


----------



## Badgers (Feb 11, 2010)

National scolding day?


----------



## Idaho (Feb 17, 2010)

Not a scold - but made me chuckle. Sign in the stationery room:



> There is more copier paper in the cupboard by Maria Hubbard


----------



## crustychick (Feb 17, 2010)

Idaho said:


> Not a scold - but made me chuckle. Sign in the stationery room:



hahah


----------



## Kanda (Feb 17, 2010)

Another non-scolding, and my reply.. 



> Can I put some Peroni’s in the fridge for the luddites like me?
> 
> _____________________________________________
> From: CEO
> ...



Meh @ Peroni's though, that's all they keep in the cupboards here


----------



## DotCommunist (Feb 17, 2010)

rapattaque said:


> Hi,
> 
> 
> 
> ...





Tell Charan to up styx and leave


----------



## Idaho (Feb 17, 2010)

Kanda said:


> Another non-scolding, and my reply..
> 
> 
> 
> Meh @ Peroni's though, that's all they keep in the cupboards here



Why does drinking Peroni rather than champagne make you a Luddite?


----------



## Kanda (Feb 17, 2010)

Idaho said:


> Why does drinking Peroni rather than champagne make you a Luddite?



I was just pointing out that not everyone likes champagne and it was a dig at her really.


----------



## Mr_Nice (Feb 18, 2010)

souljacker said:


> - Smoking breaks: why are we not using the cones .


 
So the company encourage having a big fat bifta hey


----------



## Kanda (Feb 18, 2010)

Should I start an office non-scolding thread?



> From: Catherine
> Sent: 18 February 2010 10:47
> To:  Everyone
> Subject: Skiing
> ...


----------



## el-ahrairah (Feb 18, 2010)

i can't think of anything more nightmarish than that...


----------



## Kanda (Feb 18, 2010)

el-ahrairah said:


> i can't think of anything more nightmarish than that...



It's usually a really good laugh. I doubt I'm going though.


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Feb 18, 2010)

Kanda said:


> Should I start an office non-scolding thread?


yes please. just received this belter, again sent to the whole organisation....

_Monika has ordered a printer cartridge for printer 2300 PCL 6 _


----------



## Badgers (Feb 18, 2010)

Paulie Tandoori said:
			
		

> yes please. just received this belter, again sent to the whole organisation....
> 
> Monika has ordered a printer cartridge for printer 2300 PCL 6



Hahahaha.... 

Reply to all mate, do it, do it!!!!


----------



## BoatieBird (Feb 18, 2010)

Stroppy IT bloke strikes again



> Dear all
> 
> I have received an observation (and that is putting it mildly) from a member of staff this morning about the state of the Desktop PC being used in the above Facility. I fully concur and uphold the complaint from this member of staff.
> 
> ...



I'm thinking of adopting "I care not a jot" as my catchphrase


----------



## marty21 (Feb 18, 2010)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> yes please. just received this belter, again sent to the whole organisation....
> 
> _Monika has ordered a printer cartridge for printer 2300 PCL 6 _




three cheers for Monika


----------



## Ted Striker (Feb 18, 2010)

Kanda said:


> Should I start an office non-scolding thread?



Those poor sods labelled as 'skeleton staff' that had a millisecond of joy as their dead-end office menial job was about to afford them a glimmer of work-based happiness...But no.


----------



## Kanda (Feb 18, 2010)

Ted Striker said:


> Those poor sods labelled as 'skeleton staff' that had a millisecond of joy as their dead-end office menial job was about to afford them a glimmer of work-based happiness...But no.



They'll either split the week, so one goes for the 1st half the other goes for the 2nd half or the ones that stayed behind last year are gauranteed a place this year.


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Feb 18, 2010)

Badgers said:


> Hahahaha....
> 
> Reply to all mate, do it, do it!!!!


what should i say though?





marty21 said:


> three cheers for Monika


this?


----------



## strung out (Feb 18, 2010)

Kanda said:


> Should I start an office non-scolding thread?



first it was cake on the sixth floor, then champagne, now they're all inviting you out skiing? you're just showing off


----------



## Kanda (Feb 18, 2010)

strung_out said:


> first it was cake on the sixth floor, then champagne, now they're all inviting you out skiing? you're just showing off



Yeah, how anyone puts up with it I have no fucking clue!


----------



## oomfoofoo (Feb 18, 2010)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> yes please. just received this belter, again sent to the whole organisation....
> 
> _Monika has ordered a printer cartridge for printer 2300 PCL 6 _



That reminds me of major fail on my part. Some weeks prior to our company Christmas do, we were sent the menu and we had to mark what we wanted....yes, after replying to all, the whole of my company knew what I had ordered. I even had people telling me that they approved of my choices!!


----------



## Open Sauce (Feb 18, 2010)

rapattaque said:


> Hi,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Starting with "Hi", what a cunt


----------



## marty21 (Feb 18, 2010)

in the early days of work email (mid 90s) a work mate sent a flirty email to another work mate, she showed it to us, and we all replied to him (he wasn't email savvy) making him think he had sent it to all of us by mistake - we even managed to get a senior director to join in the fun

can't do that sort of thing these days


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 19, 2010)

Kanda said:


> Should I start an office non-scolding thread?



You're just showing off with that skiing e-mail 







Any jobs going at your place?


----------



## Huxter (Feb 19, 2010)

Out the corporate race but whilst in it had 3 instances of people sending emails out to a group berating the original poster when they only meant to send it to a person.

Reply to all a common error it seems

What a c*nt on one email

Who does this witch think she is on another

And the classic

No wonder her man is shagging about!

As Harry Hill would say.........................FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHT!


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Feb 19, 2010)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> yes please. just received this belter, again sent to the whole organisation....
> 
> _Monika has ordered a printer cartridge for printer 2300 PCL 6 _



In my last job we used to get daily emails saying "don't use the printer in X for the next hour as PR wankers are doing stuff at the last minute again" (I paraphrase) where of course room X was in an office on the other side of fucking London.

I'd have actively printed stuff out on the printer in X, if the IT infrastructure had actually _allowed_ that in the first place.


----------



## Me76 (Mar 2, 2010)

*From the Facilities Manager*

I have arranged for the carpet tiles on the ground floor corridor to be replaced this weekend. There will a barrier matting area in front of the door as you come in before the new carpet tiles.   The carpets in the meeting rooms will be cleaned at the same time.

Why am I telling this?  Because if anyone spills anything on the new or clean carpets I will be very cross; and a cross Facilities Manager isn’t a pretty sight. 

I have ordered some more trays for you to use when doing tea/coffee runs – so if you are coming down to make drinks have a check to see if there is a tray on your floor before coming down. 

Some other tips to keep me sweet:
·         Don’t over fill your mugs and soup bowls etc
·         take care when opening doors so that you don’t bash them into people when moving around – that is why they have vision panels
·         and wipe your feet on the barrier matting part of the flooring when you come into the office

If you remember to do this we can all enjoy our cleaner brighter entrance.
Thanks


----------



## Open Sauce (Mar 2, 2010)

Me76 said:


> ·         take care when opening doors so that you don’t bash them into people when moving around – that is why they have *vision panels*



AKA windows?


----------



## Mr_Nice (Mar 3, 2010)

Me76 said:


> I have arranged for the carpet tiles on the ground floor corridor to be replaced this weekend. There will a barrier matting area in front of the door as you come in before the new carpet tiles. The carpets in the meeting rooms will be cleaned at the same time.
> 
> Why am I telling this? Because if anyone spills anything on the new or clean carpets I will be very cross; and a cross Facilities Manager isn’t a pretty sight.
> 
> ...


----------



## Mr_Nice (Mar 3, 2010)

Fuckwit - I think that I would 'accidently' spill my coffee the condesending "cross facilities manager"


----------



## marty21 (Mar 4, 2010)

not an email, but I just found a letter in the street outside my flat



> Attention of Jodie
> 
> Dear Sir/Madam _(I'm assuming Jodie is a woman so no need for the sir/madam bit)_
> 
> ...




I'm sure the Depth company will get the £32 back, but given the fact that the writer lost the letter on the way to the mail box, don't think he's going to be successful


----------



## Mr_Nice (Mar 5, 2010)

Health & Safety Gone Overboard ........

*Parking in Staines*

We are introducing further safety improvements to the Staines car park. From Monday 15th March please park your car so that you can drive away forwards when leaving the space. (This will mean you need to reverse park in some spaces).


Many people find it takes a few minutes to get into driving mode at the end of a working day. It is safer to drive straight out of a parking space than to reverse out of it. Driving straight out means you have a clear view of other vehicles and pedestrians around you – this is of particular benefit in the winter months when the nights are dark and poor weather may reduce visibility. 

For everyone’s safety, please remember to keep to the on-site speed limits and do not use your handheld mobile phone while driving. 

Thank you for your continued support in keeping Staines a safe place to work. 


Else the parking police will be out for me


----------



## Sweet FA (Mar 5, 2010)

DotCommunist said:


> Tell Charan to up styx and leave


I hades kind of puns


----------



## boing! (Mar 11, 2010)

Posted above the sink next door in HR

"Please can we wash up as we go along. Thank you "

You've got to love the addition of a smiley.


----------



## Badgers (Mar 17, 2010)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> yes please. just received this belter, again sent to the whole organisation....
> 
> _Monika has ordered a printer cartridge for printer 2300 PCL 6 _



Did it arrive ok?


----------



## marty21 (Mar 17, 2010)

> Subject: *Obsence Gravity* outside Estate Office
> 
> 
> 
> ...



We have a major problem with Obscence Gravity around here, is anyone else suffering ?


----------



## el-ahrairah (Mar 17, 2010)

Badgers said:


> Did it arrive ok?



The cartridge delivery guy showed up at my office today with a load of cartridges (obv, otherwise he'd not be the cartridge delivery guy), and one of my co-workers said to him "is that the black and white one?" 

he gently explained that the white came from the paper....


----------



## el-ahrairah (Mar 17, 2010)

marty21 said:


> We have a major problem with Obscence Gravity around here, is anyone else suffering ?



And why doesn't your IT department pick up on the word fuck in an email and ban his arse?  Just for lulz if nothing else.


----------



## fractionMan (Mar 17, 2010)

> Tips for effective writing
> Here are some ideas that might be helpful when you are writing:
> ...
> 2. Remember who you are talking to – Consider what's important to them?



Not being lectured by the semi-literate about writing styles is pretty important to me.



It has to be put in the context of 13 drivel filled and poorly written pages to be fully appreciated.


----------



## marty21 (Mar 17, 2010)

el-ahrairah said:


> And why doesn't your IT department pick up on the word fuck in an email and ban his arse?  Just for lulz if nothing else.



they could replace it with 'fugg' that would be a lot of fun

fugg off


----------



## ajdown (Mar 31, 2010)

Not responsible, honest.



> Dear Colleagues,
> 
> The cause of the interesting smell in the fridge has been found... Aging prawn mayonnaise.
> 
> ...


----------



## idioteque (Mar 31, 2010)

Check out the sign that recently appeared in my staff room


----------



## DotCommunist (Mar 31, 2010)

marker pen 'Your's does mate, works real hard'


----------



## Pingu (Mar 31, 2010)

DotCommunist said:


> marker pen 'Your's does mate, works real hard'


 
*resists temptation*


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 31, 2010)

Not scolding, but a tad shocking...



> o i fort so i cant seem to find anything for that date for them do we no any more info on the charged pax name or anyfing



From my accounts manager


----------



## marty21 (Mar 31, 2010)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Not scolding, but a tad shocking...
> 
> 
> 
> From my accounts manager



is the accounts manager about 14?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 31, 2010)

She writes like that to clients too


----------



## sorearm (Apr 1, 2010)

Pingu said:


> *resists temptation*



do it

do it

do it

do it...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Apr 7, 2010)

Another odd one, this time from a Sales Director to the whole company...



> Car for Sale - ctc me if interested



One hell of a salesman.


----------



## Badgers (Apr 7, 2010)

Cryptic


----------



## Kanda (Apr 7, 2010)

Geezus...



> Been meaning to send this but keep forgetting.
> 
> Here are some useful things to know
> 
> ...




Who gives a fuck? Only 3 people. That's all, not deserving a companywide email 

as soon as I hear it, I'm putting Kerrang TV on as loud as possible.


----------



## Fingers (Apr 27, 2010)

Notice above the printer (which has died)



> The Lexmark printer is no longer able to provide the service required by users in a reliable way. We will endeavor to replace it as soon as humanly possible.



I have replaced it with:



> This printer is fooked. Another is on order.


----------



## Kanda (May 11, 2010)

> From: C
> Sent: 11 May 2010 11:41
> To:  Everyone
> Subject: numerous items of underwear found
> ...



I got my shorts back from the company ski trip...


----------



## Badgers (May 11, 2010)

Kanda said:


> I got my shorts back from the company ski trip...



Excellent email


----------



## Me76 (May 20, 2010)

Dear colleagues,

I have been informed that salad has been dropped on the stairs.

In the interest of health & safety as well as consideration for your fellow colleagues, I ask the person responsible for this hazard to clear it up immediately.

The cleaners working hours are between 6pm and 8pm.  

Please note: Individuals are responsible for maintaining all communal areas of the building in the interest of health and hygiene.  
This includes:
·       wiping up spills in the kitchen
·       picking up dropped food and putting in the bin 
·       putting used cups, dishes and cutlery in the dishwasher
·       leaving the Knowledge Hub clean and clear after the lunchtime period (12:00 – 14:00)

I would also like to remind you to return trays to the kitchen once you have safely transported refreshments to your floor.

Your co-operation is very much appreciated


----------



## the button (May 20, 2010)

Me76 said:


> Dear colleagues,
> 
> I have been informed that salad has been dropped on the stairs.
> 
> ...



You work somewhere that's got a knowledge hub.


----------



## May Kasahara (May 20, 2010)

Me76 said:


> we can all enjoy our cleaner brighter entrance.



*snigger*


----------



## Kanda (May 20, 2010)

Sent by me just now... 



> From: Kanda
> Sent: 20 May 2010 17:46
> To: Research
> Subject: Piano
> ...



I'm just pissed they got a £65k piano when I've been asking for a £800 Pool Table for years


----------



## teuchter (May 20, 2010)

What are they playing on the piano?


----------



## el-ahrairah (May 20, 2010)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> She writes like that to clients too



that would be a sacking offence if i ran the place.


----------



## el-ahrairah (May 20, 2010)

Kanda said:


> Geezus...
> 
> 
> 
> ...





Kanda said:


> Sent by me just now...


----------



## Kanda (May 20, 2010)

el-ahrairah said:


>



Couldn't turn over from Bloomberg to Kerrang, markets were a bit bonkers.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 24, 2010)

Dunno where to stick this, here's as good a place as any...

Got a client who wants a direct flight from London to the British Virgin Islands. I have repeatedly told them that there are no direct flights, you have to change in Antigua. This has been dragging on for over a week now, and suddenly his secretary sends this:



> Hi, I've found this on the British Virgin Islands website:
> 
> *There are no direct flights to the British Virgin Islands from Africa, Europe, North America or South America*
> 
> Could you check to see if this is right?


----------



## paolo (May 24, 2010)

That's awesome


----------



## krtek a houby (May 24, 2010)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Dunno where to stick this, here's as good a place as any...
> 
> Got a client who wants a direct flight from London to the British Virgin Islands. I have repeatedly told them that there are no direct flights, you have to change in Antigua. This has been dragging on for over a week now, and suddenly his secretary sends this:



Tell his secretary that there's a direct flight from Antigua


----------



## free spirit (May 24, 2010)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Dunno where to stick this, here's as good a place as any...
> 
> Got a client who wants a direct flight from London to the British Virgin Islands. I have repeatedly told them that there are no direct flights, you have to change in Antigua. This has been dragging on for over a week now, and suddenly his secretary sends this:


I fear you may also actually need to point out to the customer that despite their name, the British Virgin Islands are not actually islands entirely populated by British virgins...


----------



## el-ahrairah (May 24, 2010)

Kanda said:


> Couldn't turn over from Bloomberg to Kerrang, markets were a bit bonkers.



I hate it when the markets get in the way of rocking out


----------



## el-ahrairah (May 24, 2010)

free spirit said:


> I fear you may also actually need to point out to the customer that despite their name, the British Virgin Islands are not actually islands entirely populated by British virgins...



*cancels holiday plans*


----------



## Badgers (May 25, 2010)

We are due some air conditioning scolding by now.


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 25, 2010)

I had a Management Association newsletter for my estate in East London.

On one side it says 'Condensation is _man-made_, not a design fault. Don't dry clothes indoors!' and on the other it says 'PLEASE don't dry clothes on the balconies and verandas'


----------



## teuchter (May 25, 2010)

Condensation is a design fault.


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 25, 2010)

teuchter said:


> Condensation is a design fault.



Please write me a succinct rebuttal for Management Assoc, TIA


----------



## Crispy (May 25, 2010)

5t3IIa said:


> I had a Management Association newsletter for my estate in East London.
> 
> On one side it says 'Condensation is _man-made_, not a design fault. Don't dry clothes indoors!' and on the other it says 'PLEASE don't dry clothes on the balconies and verandas'



 That's a good one


----------



## Crispy (May 25, 2010)

5t3IIa said:


> Please write me a succinct rebuttal for Management Assoc, TIA


Cut and fold the newsletter so that one quote appears above the other, then mail it back to them.


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 25, 2010)

Crispy said:


> Cut and fold the newsletter so that one quote appears above the other, then mail it back to them.



Might clip an unidentifable pic of my linens billowing in the breeze to it too


----------



## fractionMan (May 25, 2010)

5t3IIa said:


> I had a Management Association newsletter for my estate in East London.
> 
> On one side it says 'Condensation is _man-made_, not a design fault. Don't dry clothes indoors!' and on the other it says 'PLEASE don't dry clothes on the balconies and verandas'


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 25, 2010)

I am basing my further actions around the word 'please'. If I get a snotty note through the door I can say 'What? I'm just _rude_'


----------



## el-ahrairah (May 25, 2010)

That's a poor letter.  Condensation can be avoided by drying clothes with a window open.  If you don't, you will end up getting damp.  Then you will complain about your housing association giving you a property with damp.  After going through a lot of time and money and arguments you will eventually be told by the ombudsman that you should have opened a window and that it is not considered reasonable for an HA or LA to rebuild every property they own because someone doesn't want to open a window.  This creates bad feeling between tenants and associations that can easily be avoided by the RSL actually explaining how severe condensation forms, and the difference between preventable and problem condensation, why it is not possible to rebuild properties, the costs involved in window replacement to include vents, and how best to dry your clothes (hint: with a window open)

That was not that letter.


[aside:  this is a major cause of complaints in my experience, and can be easily avoided if RSLs and tenants actually use their brains]


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 25, 2010)

RSL? 

I get condensation in the winter because it's too bastard cold to have a window open and I know how/why it happens. Then in the summer _*I dry laundry outside*_!


----------



## Badgers (May 25, 2010)

5t3IIa said:


> RSL?



*R*eturned and *S*ervices *L*eague of Australia as if you didn't already know


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 25, 2010)

Badgers said:


> *R*eturned and *S*ervices *L*eague of Australia as if you didn't already know



Oh! The tears of shame prick my eyes! I KNEW THAT! 

In ohter news: it's _feezing_ in here today. AC must be at same level as yesterday when it was boiling hot... *I* might complain


----------



## el-ahrairah (May 25, 2010)

5t3IIa said:


> RSL?
> 
> I get condensation in the winter because it's too bastard cold to have a window open and I know how/why it happens. Then in the summer _*I dry laundry outside*_!



Registered Social Landlord.

I don't understand why they're telling you not to dry on balconys, that makes no sense.


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 25, 2010)

el-ahrairah said:


> Registered Social Landlord.
> 
> I don't understand why they're telling you not to dry on balconys, that makes no sense.



The rationale is that it looks untidy, I think. I have a private landlady but I think a fair portion of the estate is still LA. It's the one halfway down Globe Road that goes all the way over to Cambridge Heath Rd 

In other news ****I**** just put a note on the printer!

It says *drumroll* *If you need 250 sets - use the photocopier *


----------



## teuchter (May 25, 2010)

5t3IIa said:


> Please write me a succinct rebuttal for Management Assoc, TIA



What means of ventilation are provided to the room in which you are expected to dry your laundry?


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 25, 2010)

teuchter said:


> What means of ventilation are provided to the room in which you are expected to dry your laundry?



A window. Or two.


----------



## ajdown (May 25, 2010)

Just had another one round from Elaine bemoaning the fact that there are only four teaspoons left in the kitchen.


----------



## Badgers (May 25, 2010)

ajdown said:


> Just had another one round from Elaine bemoaning the fact that there are only four teaspoons left in the kitchen.



We have four too


----------



## gamma globulins (May 25, 2010)

We used to have a range of collective cutlery that has been diminishing. Last night as I heated my dinner and prepared for a long night's work I noticed that the last fork had disappeared. I thought about leaving a note to say "to whomever took the last fork: let it be known that you are a penis", but chickened out.


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 25, 2010)

_Fork snatching dick_

sounds more manly


----------



## ivebeenhigh (May 25, 2010)




----------



## 5t3IIa (May 25, 2010)

Seemed quite sane from the first sentence but people always try to be _cute_


----------



## Open Sauce (May 25, 2010)

ivebeenhigh said:


>



Needs a few counter examples to "The worse thing..."


----------



## ajdown (May 25, 2010)

Badgers said:


> We have four too



Yeah but following the last rant I bought 36 from the pound shop and introduced them to the drawer quietly one day ... so where did they all go?

There aren't even that many people in the building so everyone must have some stashed away on their desk for something other than stirring tea.

The mind boggles.


----------



## JWH (May 26, 2010)

ajdown said:


> Yeah but following the last rant I bought 36 from the pound shop and introduced them to the drawer quietly one day ... so where did they all go?
> 
> There aren't even that many people in the building so everyone must have some stashed away on their desk for something other than stirring tea.
> 
> The mind boggles.



Junkies, mate. Teaspoon-stealing Zammos. It's the only explanation.


----------



## el-ahrairah (May 26, 2010)

curiously enough, we never normally have teaspoons but today there are about twenty in the drawer and no-one is admitting to having returned them.


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 26, 2010)

Time for a note saying *WHERE HAVE THESE TEASPOONS COME FROM?!*

For balance.


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 26, 2010)

Open Sauce said:


> Needs a few counter examples to "The worse thing..."



Omg omg omg my local has a Tourettes Sydrome collecting tin on the bar and the urge to right FUCK OFF in teeny tiny neat little letters is almost overwhelming.


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (May 26, 2010)

5t3IIa said:


> Omg omg omg my local has a Tourettes Sydrome collecting tin on the bar and the urge to right FUCK OFF in teeny tiny neat little letters is almost overwhelming.



you sure it's not just a swear box?


----------



## tarannau (Jun 1, 2010)

I'm quite liking this generous offer from our security team. Check the helpful advice too:



> Dear all,
> 
> We are pleased to announce that Security can now supply a service  whereby monies collected for charitable purposes, birthdays or leaving parties, can be taken to the Security Control Room on the mezzanine flooron a daily basis and secured safely in a tamper proof sealed pouch.
> 
> ...


----------



## teuchter (Jun 1, 2010)

I think you should test just how small a collection they will secure.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jun 2, 2010)

Can we collectively draft one of these for me to send please.  None of the staff I am supposed to be training have bothered to show up.


----------



## DotCommunist (Jun 2, 2010)

'monies' ffs. Pretentious wanker word


----------



## the button (Jun 2, 2010)

el-ahrairah said:


> Can we collectively draft one of these for me to send please.  None of the staff I am supposed to be training have bothered to show up.



Blimey. How many were you expecting?


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jun 2, 2010)

six.  i have just gone back over my sent mail folder checking that i gave the right time and date, and have also checked that it is in the shared calendar for the right place...


----------



## the button (Jun 2, 2010)

That's a bit off. Are they being trained in the same building where they normally work?

Edit: If so, you should track them down to their desks.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Jun 2, 2010)

Are you by any chance not in the right room?


----------



## Badgers (Jun 2, 2010)

Are you by any chance not in the right room?


----------



## machine cat (Jun 2, 2010)

ffs, some cunt has finished my margarine and left the empty tub in the fridge.

im tempted to send a global email.


----------



## Badgers (Jun 2, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> ffs, some cunt has finished my margarine and left the empty tub in the fridge.
> 
> im tempted to send a global email.



Then everyone will know that you eat margarine


----------



## marty21 (Jun 2, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> ffs, some cunt has finished my margarine and left the empty tub in the fridge.
> 
> im tempted to send a global email.



margarine  

I'd send a global email saying that you'd left some margarine in the fridge which was off, you were about to throw it out, and recommend that anyone who ate that margarine seek medical attention immediately

send it

then look for any worried faces

or people running off to the bog


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jun 2, 2010)

Nothing from el-ahrairah. Suppose everyone had a collective 'It's at 10.30am' instead of the right time


----------



## The Groke (Jun 2, 2010)

5t3IIa said:


> _Fork snatching dick_
> 
> sounds more manly




dick-forking snatch sounds more alarming.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jun 2, 2010)

So alarming, so manly = another winning combo


----------



## machine cat (Jun 2, 2010)

Badgers said:


> Then everyone will know that you eat margarine



Yeah, I know  but I like it on my toast in the morning.



marty21 said:


> margarine
> 
> I'd send a global email saying that you'd left some margarine in the fridge which was off, you were about to throw it out, and recommend that anyone who ate that margarine seek medical attention immediately
> 
> ...



Looked into the policy on sending global emails and apparently I need my line manager's approval, which isn't going to happen. Besides, I doubt the people who work in outside of Leeds will give a toss 

I think a note on the fridge will do for now.


----------



## marty21 (Jun 2, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> Yeah, I know  but I like it on my toast in the morning.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



picture of the note please - and later pictures detailing any 'amusing' additions to it


----------



## machine cat (Jun 2, 2010)

marty21 said:


> picture of the note please - and later pictures detailing any 'amusing' additions to it



I'll put some thought in to it.


----------



## marty21 (Jun 2, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> I'll put some thought in to it.



leave some space for the additions


----------



## Badgers (Jun 2, 2010)

A note on the fridge is a pretty tired format though. 
Perhaps expressing it in the medium of mime might drive home the message?


----------



## marty21 (Jun 2, 2010)

Badgers said:


> A note on the fridge is a pretty tired format though.
> Perhaps expressing it in the medium of mime might drive home the message?



writing it on the fridge using your own shit would really drive the message home 

imo


----------



## co-op (Jun 2, 2010)

5t3IIa said:


> Omg omg omg my local has a Tourettes Sydrome collecting tin on the bar and the urge to right FUCK OFF in teeny tiny neat little letters is almost overwhelming.




There used to be a swear box at an old workplace of mine which had been started by the secretaries who were getting a bit hacked off with our language and they printed off a nice sign for it saying "Bad - 50p, Very Bad - £1" to which someone had added "Fucking bad - £5" which still makes me smile.


----------



## machine cat (Jun 2, 2010)

Badgers said:


> A note on the fridge is a pretty tired format though.
> Perhaps expressing it in the medium of mime might drive home the message?





marty21 said:


> writing it on the fridge using your own shit would really drive the message home
> 
> imo



How about shitting in a tub of margarine?


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jun 2, 2010)

co-op said:


> There used to be a swear box at an old workplace of mine which had been started by the secretaries who were getting a bit hacked off with our language and they printed off a nice sign for it saying "Bad - 50p, Very Bad - £1" to which someone had added "Fucking bad - £5" which still makes me smile.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jun 2, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> I'll put some thought in to it.



Careful now! This is what will happen http://www.urban75.net/vbulletin/attachment.php?attachmentid=7196&d=1250769979


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jun 2, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> How about shitting in a tub of margarine?



Ehrm, it's your margarine dude.


----------



## machine cat (Jun 2, 2010)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Ehrm, it's your margarine dude.



Well I won't eat from it obviously. It'll just be there as a trap for the offending thief.


----------



## machine cat (Jun 2, 2010)

5t3IIa said:


> Careful now! This is what will happen http://www.urban75.net/vbulletin/attachment.php?attachmentid=7196&d=1250769979


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jun 2, 2010)

That was a fridge note! I had to whip it off superquick, scan it then put it back for everyone else's delectation 

One has to prepare oneself for someone else being funnier/more sarcastic in these wars. It's a dangerous business.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jun 2, 2010)

FridgeMagnet said:


> Are you by any chance not in the right room?



Definitely not my mistake.  I got 2 out of 6 in the end.  I swear they make the time up as they go along.  No response from any of them or the managers as to why they didn't show.  Bet the buggers just had a lie in.  Of those that did show up, one claimed to have phoned to say they would be late (who did you phone exactly?) and the other "thought it started at half ten"*.  

*showed up at 10.45.

You can tell I work in the public sector innit.


----------



## Mr_Nice (Jun 4, 2010)

I dont think that this doode has got the message about his meetings 

Hi, 

Please find minutes from meeting on the 2nd. 

*There were no attendees. *Please help me drive this forward by doing your best to attend the meetings in future. Thanks.


----------



## laptop (Jun 4, 2010)

Mr_Nice said:


> I dont think that this doode has got the message about his meetings
> 
> Hi,
> 
> ...


----------



## strung out (Jun 4, 2010)

he was automatically a twat for using the phrase 'drive this forward'


----------



## Badgers (Jun 4, 2010)

Heh heh


----------



## Me76 (Jun 4, 2010)

Mr_Nice said:


> I dont think that this doode has got the message about his meetings
> 
> Hi,
> 
> ...



How can he have minutes from a meeting with no attendees?  Did he just chunter away to himself and then write it all down?


----------



## Mr_Nice (Jun 4, 2010)

Me76 said:


> How can he have minutes from a meeting with no attendees? Did he just chunter away to himself and then write it all down?


 
To be fair he is not a bad bloke just a bit keen 

The minutes are from the previous meetings that occur every week, I have yet to go to one  this weeks meetings had lots of 'Apologises'

Class


----------



## oryx (Jun 4, 2010)

Mr_Nice said:


> I dont think that this doode has got the message about his meetings
> 
> Hi,
> 
> ...


----------



## silverfish (Jun 4, 2010)

SUMMARY OF INCIDENT

Rubber hammer hits operator on hard hat  

DETAILS OF INCIDENT

When in the process of removing a clamp, the operator was using a rubber hammer, instead of mallet. When hitting the clamp, the rubber hammer bounced back and hitting his hard hat. It could have been worse if the rubber hammer bounced and hit the face.  

not a scold email but an HSE incident report


----------



## where to (Jun 5, 2010)

el-ahrairah said:


> Can we collectively draft one of these for me to send please.  None of the staff I am supposed to be training have bothered to show up.



how about something along the lines of-

_Hi,

Please find minutes from training on the 2nd.

There were no attendees. Please help me drive this forward by doing your best to attend the trainings in future. Thanks. 
_


works??


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jun 7, 2010)

where to said:


> how about something along the lines of-
> 
> _Hi,
> 
> ...



heh, that's the trouble innit.  no matter how i put it, i still sound like a prick _despite_ the fact that actually it's other people being crap.


----------



## laptop (Jun 8, 2010)

> The purpose of this communication is to remind all employees of our standards of conduct regarding usage of Company systems and technical resources.
> 
> We are well aware of the intense interest in the World Cup and the fact that today’s technology allows individuals to view sporting events live via streaming audio and video. However, usage of these services to view the matches during working hours is likely to result in a substantial degradation of network services which can negatively impact critical Company business functions.
> 
> ...


----------



## ivebeenhigh (Jun 8, 2010)

laptop said:


>



Ha that could have been written by one of the guys in my IT dept, never use 3 words when 15 will do.


----------



## Schmetterling (Jun 9, 2010)

Am temping for the NHS at the mo.  We are being sent to 'I care' training.   To train us in customer services.  To enhance the patient's experience.  As opposed to the 'I don't give a flying fuck' training we went on last year?


----------



## PacificOcean (Jun 9, 2010)

Schmetterling said:


> Am temping for the NHS at the mo.  We are being sent to 'I care' training.   To train us in customer services. * To enhance the patient's experience*.  As opposed to the 'I don't give a flying fuck' training we went on last year?



Really?  They are in hospital because they are ill.

How are you supposed to "enhance" their experience?


----------



## Badgers (Jun 10, 2010)

PacificOcean said:


> Really?  They are in hospital because they are ill.
> 
> How are you supposed to "enhance" their experience?



Heal them?


----------



## PacificOcean (Jun 10, 2010)

Badgers said:


> Heal them?



That would work.

Though why temps rather than doctors need to do this course?


----------



## kabbes (Jun 10, 2010)

Classic.

Sent round by some cog in the finance team who basically has no authority whatsoever to make this kind of demand:



> TIME SHEET COMPLETION
> 
> As at 3.30 pm today, 89 members of staff had not started their time sheets for this week and  23 had not started their time sheets for the week before this.
> 
> ...



I do my timesheets monthly if they're lucky.  I certainly don't intend to change because this no-mark demands it!


----------



## teuchter (Jun 10, 2010)

kabbes said:


> Classic.
> 
> Sent round by some cog in the finance team who basically has no authority whatsoever to make this kind of demand:
> 
> ...



Can you remember what you've done each day for 20 days previous? Or do you just make it all up in the traditional timesheet custom?


----------



## kabbes (Jun 10, 2010)

teuchter said:


> Can you remember what you've done each day for 20 days previous? Or do you just make it all up in the traditional timesheet custom?



What do you think!

I do very little client work and I make sure I charge that properly.  Everything else is a crap shoot, frankly.  Who cares exactly what it was?


----------



## Ted Striker (Jun 10, 2010)

kabbes said:


> What do you think!
> 
> I do very little client work and I make sure I charge that properly.  Everything else is a crap shoot, frankly.  Who cares exactly what it was?



Assumingly someone somewhere, or else the demand wouldn't be there, no?

Or did this poor little minion just make it up or was it an exercise in someone's empire buiilding job creation?


----------



## stethoscope (Jun 10, 2010)




----------



## quimcunx (Jun 10, 2010)

latrine?  Are you in the army?


----------



## stethoscope (Jun 10, 2010)

It just had to be snapped when I saw it as I suspect it'll be ripped down at some point! It's only recently appeared on the door of one of the gents toilets in the building where I am based (Uni!) - one of our academics either trying to be 'funny' or a pompous twat. I just wonder how bad it might have been in there to prompt such a note!


----------



## stuff_it (Jun 10, 2010)

'If you 'owned' cake then you would know for sure. Don't take someone elses.'


----------



## Squatticus (Jun 10, 2010)

stephj said:


> I just wonder how bad it might have been in there to prompt such a note!



That's what you should have written on the note itself!


----------



## stuff_it (Jun 10, 2010)

kabbes said:


> What do you think!
> 
> I do very little client work and I make sure I charge that properly.  Everything else is a crap shoot, frankly.  Who cares exactly what it was?



(((((fill your own Excel timesheets)))))


----------



## Maltin (Jun 10, 2010)

kabbes said:


> I do my timesheets monthly if they're lucky. I certainly don't intend to change because this no-mark demands it!


Can't you spare 5 minutes to do it every week? You seem to spend plenty of time on here...


----------



## stethoscope (Jun 10, 2010)

Squatticus said:


> That's what you should have written on the note itself!



I'm tempted to sneak a parodying note in its place


----------



## miniGMgoit (Jun 11, 2010)

With the whole time sheet thing. I don't know why they get all upset about it. If there is no time sheet put in, they don't get paid, and will not get paid again until the next pay run. I can guarantee they wouldn't do it again.


----------



## kabbes (Jun 11, 2010)

Maltin said:


> Can't you spare 5 minutes to do it every week? You seem to spend plenty of time on here...


It's not an issue of time.    I have the time to do it, yes.



miniGMgoit said:


> With the whole time sheet thing. I don't know why they get all upset about it. If there is no time sheet put in, they don't get paid, and will not get paid again until the next pay run. I can guarantee they wouldn't do it again.



Yeah, good luck to them trying that one with me!


----------



## Me76 (Jun 11, 2010)

miniGMgoit said:


> With the whole time sheet thing. I don't know why they get all upset about it. If there is no time sheet put in, they don't get paid, and will not get paid again until the next pay run. I can guarantee they wouldn't do it again.




There is the difference between people filling the timesheets to say how many hours they have worked to get paid and people on a salary filling in the timesheets so the company knows how to bill its clients.


----------



## kabbes (Jun 11, 2010)

Ah yes, it didn't strike me that "timesheet" might have different interpretations.

I'm a salaryman -- I just get my monthly pay.  This is nothing to do with hours worked = time paid.

*This* timesheet is theoretically to charge clients, but I do very little client work.  If I *do* do some client work then I make sure that gets in the system straight away.  Nobody is challenging that, least of all the client managers, who actually do the billing and with whom I have an excellent relationship.

No, this is about control and office politics, as per usual.  I've never been fond of that particular game and I don't see any reason to start playing it now.


----------



## teuchter (Jun 11, 2010)

kabbes said:


> *This* timesheet is theoretically to charge clients, but I do very little client work.  If I *do* do some client work then I make sure that gets in the system straight away.  Nobody is challenging that, least of all the client managers, who actually do the billing and with whom I have an excellent relationship.



Maybe they have a moan at whoever it is that wrote the email, though, because it's easier to do that than to moan directly at the people who are submitting their timesheets late.


----------



## kabbes (Jun 11, 2010)

Ah, politics.


----------



## machine cat (Jun 16, 2010)

> heperson who ownes this car remove emiediatley as you are causing an obstruction
> nh0----



Now, I think this person could be dyslexic so I don't want to take the piss, but a bit of politeness would be nice.


----------



## Macabre (Jun 22, 2010)

I've got one!  

I was put incharge of our lab move day and everyone got stuck in apart from one woman who couldn't be arsed as she's leaving in a month.  She ducked out the morning as she had a meeting that lasteed 5 minutes at 1100. We were all well pissed of as she's the messiest person in the lab, so it fell to me to pry her from the office after lunch to put her to work.  I pointed out it was unfair that she was doing nothing and had left a big mess while everyone else grafted, she denied the mess was hers (100% defo was hers) and had a massive strop when noone believed her.  She went back to the office to sulk and sent out a email to everyone, even the bosses.  She's chinese so her english is, well, you'll see....



> Dear all,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## PacificOcean (Jun 22, 2010)

Blimey, it's like an email from 'The Thick of It'.


----------



## sleaterkinney (Jul 2, 2010)

> Subject: Summertime...and the leaving is early..
> 
> Dear All,
> 
> ...






(If I ever get to leave early that is)


----------



## kabbes (Jul 2, 2010)

Aw, we got a brilliant one about dirty toilets the other day.  I wish I hadn't deleted it.


----------



## AnnO'Neemus (Jul 2, 2010)

Macabre said:


> I've got one!
> 
> I was put incharge of our lab move day and everyone got stuck in apart from one woman who couldn't be arsed as she's leaving in a month.  She ducked out the morning as she had a meeting that lasteed 5 minutes at 1100. We were all well pissed of as she's the messiest person in the lab, so it fell to me to pry her from the office after lunch to put her to work.  I pointed out it was unfair that she was doing nothing and had left a big mess while everyone else grafted, she denied the mess was hers (100% defo was hers) and had a massive strop when noone believed her.  She went back to the office to sulk and sent out a email to everyone, even the bosses.  She's chinese so her english is, well, you'll see....



Paragraph 1 translation: 

I'm pretending I hadn't read any emails and didn't know about it and I doubt you can prove any different, so I'm making you look like you're picking on me for not doing something I wasn't aware of.

Paragraph 2 translation:  

I'm saying I was going here and there and I'm throwing lots of names and talking about going up and down to make it look like I'm busy, which will hopefully cover up the fact that I'm using a five minute meeting with HR as an excuse for not having done anything.

Paragraph 3 translation:

I'm denying all responsibility for the dirty lab equipment in my area and deflecting attention on to some random bloke and blaming him.  And adding a bit of superlative 'thou dost protest too much' I'm saying if you don't believe me, lets ask the police to investigate who's leaving this dirty lab equipment lying around, because it's definitely not me, yeah.

Paragraph 4 translation:  

I'm leaving soon, because I hate you all, but I never said anything before, not because I'm weak, but because I didn't want to make already horrible working conditions worse.

Paragraph 5 translation:

I'm not sorry I haven't been arsed helping out, that was my deliberate intention.  I'm just sorry that I've been caught out.  But in order to deflect attention I'm being very passive aggressive and demanding an apology for the imaginary wrongs that have been done to me.

Paragraph 6 translation:

You know what?  Yeah, I couldn't be arsed helping with the move.  But since you've complained about it, fuck you, I will be making even more mess and I'm telling you now that I won't be clearing up after myself because I'm 'too busy' completing my tasks before I leave and seeing HR and completing all the leaving procedures.  So, yeah, fuck you again, have fun clearing up the rest of my mess, bastard.

All the best.

HTH.


----------



## marty21 (Jul 7, 2010)

*toilet conversations*

I





> would have thought so – how tall was the pan at 21?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



 this is my world


----------



## Me76 (Jul 12, 2010)

*someone got out of bed ohn the wrong side today*

From our IT guy



> Can you do me a favour when you use my seat please do not change the seat height or backrest.
> 
> This is the height of rudeness as you will proberly only use it for five minutes were as it takes ages getting the correct setting back
> 
> Rant over have a nice day unless you’re the sod who mucked my chair setting up


----------



## The Boy (Jul 12, 2010)

Me76 said:


> From our IT guy



I;d be straight over there fucking with his 'chair settings'


----------



## mrs quoad (Jul 12, 2010)

Another regular addition to the Institutional faecal fetish



> Hi all
> 
> Could the owner of the "belongings" left in the third toilet on the 3rd floor
> either come and collect them or discard by flushing the toilet? This may be the
> ...


----------



## Badgers (Jul 12, 2010)

The Boy said:


> I;d be straight over there fucking with his 'chair settings'



Yup, I am already there


----------



## turing test (Jul 15, 2010)

You Pigs!

Dear All,

There have been innumerable emails around the need to keep the kitchen area clear and tidy which includes washing up and putting away all utensils used.  Whoever is responsible for the collection of crockery and cutlery on the draining board has until this afternoon to put them away or they go in the bin.  This will become the regular treatment of things left out if people are unable to follow simple housekeeping requests.


----------



## Badgers (Jul 15, 2010)

The kitchen is the cornerstone of office politics  

Although I would reply to all reminding people that sending crockery to landfill is really a bigger issue.


----------



## Geri (Jul 15, 2010)

Me76 said:


> From our IT guy



So they are supposed to compromise their own health & safety for his convenience?


----------



## chieftain (Jul 15, 2010)

From our building manager:

"For the sake of peace and harmony could you not use other peoples personnel mugs and cups. The white stacking cups are for communal use."

Bloody unreasonable if you ask me


----------



## teecee (Jul 15, 2010)

From our Mac support guy



> Subject: Out Of Office. Final Email.
> 
> For absolutely the last time, I am not a secretary.
> 
> ...


----------



## Macabre (Jul 15, 2010)

AnnO'Neemus said:


> Paragraph 1 translation:
> 
> [/snip]
> 
> ...



That's about the size of it.  She's trying to organise her leaving do now, they're not many takers


----------



## Mr Smin (Jul 20, 2010)

chieftain said:


> From our building manager:
> 
> "For the sake of peace and harmony could you not use other peoples *personnel* mugs and cups. The white stacking cups are for communal use."


 Eh?

More from kitchens:
____________________________________
I know this is a minor issue, but I feel it needs dealing with asap. The cleaner who cleans our office has started putting dirty cutlery and crockery in a cupboard above the sink. While I accept that we do not keep our kitchen area very clean I find this practice DISGUSTING. I am not usggesting that she should do this, but why is she putting them in the cupboard when it is just as easy to put them in the dishwasher!!

Thanks
_____________________________________


----------



## Open Sauce (Jul 25, 2010)

Maltin said:


> Can't you spare 5 minutes to do it every week? You seem to spend plenty of time on here...



Jesus, there are even registering on Urban to harass you about it. I got a similar request last week about mine, though I tend to do them on the second time of asking.


----------



## marty21 (Jul 30, 2010)

> Re call please find attached photo’s which I took today while I was doing a cleaning inspection
> 
> 
> 
> ...





> I think we need to know how much extra they’d want to charge for cleaning the fridge and microwave before we agreed anything. Besides, we should all be cleaning up after using the microwave and keeping the fridge clean/tidy, anyway.



I fear there may be more kitchen fridge controversy to come


----------



## Badgers (Jul 30, 2010)

marty21 said:


> I fear there may be more kitchen fridge controversy to come


 
That is like a scene from 1984


----------



## smmudge (Sep 21, 2010)

This is the sort of education my tuition fee goes on:



> Dear student,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm so glad I'm learning this sort of stuff. Just a shame it's apparently of no use in the real world.

Excited I got to post something in this thread at last, my work never sent nagging e-mails


----------



## Badgers (Sep 21, 2010)

Good stuff. Been a while since we had an email on here. Is the recession reducing email writing time or just too few staff to complain about? Whatever it is we need more scolding


----------



## May Kasahara (Sep 21, 2010)

My work are distressingly positive even though we are all facing yet more cuts.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 22, 2010)

I like the term 'distressingly positive'


----------



## Me76 (Sep 22, 2010)

I will probably have an e-mail to post later.  My cheese triangles have been going missing and when I mentioned it to our facilities manager in he pub last night she said she would send something today!  I am a little stirrer I am.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 22, 2010)

Hanging is too good for cheese thieves 

Dairylea or another brand?


----------



## Me76 (Sep 22, 2010)

The relatively cheerful cow (light).  I don't have a preference really but it was on offer.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 22, 2010)

smmudge said:


> This is the sort of education my tuition fee goes on:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



The correct response to that would be:

Reply to all.

"KTHXBAI"


----------



## Me76 (Sep 22, 2010)

> I have checked very carefully and nowhere on ****(the receptionist)’s or my own job description does it say cleaning up the kitchen after others is part of our roles.
> 
> Many of you are very good about tidying up after yourselves and putting your dirty dishes in the dishwasher – but there are some who seem to think that it is acceptable to dump dirty dishes and cafeterias on the counter and draining board, leave bits of food in the sink and generally leave the kitchen in a mess.  Can I put your straight – it isn’t.
> 
> ...



No mention of missing cheese though... Do I push this issue?


----------



## Badgers (Sep 22, 2010)

Me76 said:


> Do I push this issue?



Need you ask?


----------



## marty21 (Sep 22, 2010)

I love it when someone sends you an email about something you haven't done, or haven't done correctly, and they cc your manager in it, and a few other people you've never heard of, I really like that.


----------



## TopCat (Sep 22, 2010)

The work fridge has become a bloody battle field. People accusing each other of using "their" Asda marge and so on. I wrote "student " on all their little packets with a permanent marker today.


----------



## kabbes (Sep 22, 2010)

Me76 said:


> No mention of missing cheese though... Do I push this issue?


 
Do a reply to all that says,

"AND WHAT ABOUT MY FUCKING CHEESE AS WELL YOU BUNCH OF CUNTS???"

like that, all in capitals.


----------



## kabbes (Sep 22, 2010)

marty21 said:


> I love it when someone sends you an email about something you haven't done, or haven't done correctly, and they cc your manager in it, and a few other people you've never heard of, I really like that.


 There's only one answer to that -- escalation.  Respond with passive aggressive comments and copy their manager and a few other randoms in too.  

There will be no winner in this war, but the threat of MAD will put others off doing similar in the future.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 22, 2010)

marty21 said:


> I love it when someone sends you an email about something you haven't done, or haven't done correctly, and they cc your manager in it, and a few other people you've never heard of, I really like that.


 
Yeah, the classy worker would BCC them!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 22, 2010)

marty21 said:


> I love it when someone sends you an email about something you haven't done, or haven't done correctly, and they cc your manager in it, and a few other people you've never heard of, I really like that.


 
I sit on e-mails such as this. Let them escalate by themselves, dozy manager will send me one asking if I have time to meet with her and discuss it. This will be ignored too. Eventually grass & manager work themselves in to a frenzy, only to receive a mail copying in everyone on the whole planet, "Was fuck all to do with me, if the grass knew how to operate the systems better he/she would have realised that." 

Always goes down a storm, as a load of useless twats have now built this nothing in to a something, they all feel they have to resolve a problem which didn't exist to begin with.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 22, 2010)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> I sit on e-mails such as this. Let them escalate by themselves, dozy manager will send me one asking if I have time to meet with her and discuss it. This will be ignored too. Eventually grass & manager work themselves in to a frenzy, only to receive a mail copying in everyone on the whole planet, "Was fuck all to do with me, if the grass knew how to operate the systems better he/she would have realised that."
> 
> Always goes down a storm, as a load of useless twats have now built this nothing in to a something, they all feel they have to resolve a problem which didn't exist to begin with.



Excellent work there... 

Playing dumb and acting like you are hiding something works so well


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 28, 2010)

It's been a while and sadly no scolding, but a spelling sensation here:



> Hi All
> 
> Its that time of year where two charities we have sponsured in the past are here again for 2010
> 
> ...


----------



## marty21 (Sep 28, 2010)

had a email today *ALL WRITTEN IN CAPITALS * can't post it here as too much confidential stuff about a punter , but it was *ALL IN CAPITALS* WHAT FUCKWIT WRITES ALL AN EMAIL IN CAPITALS FFS?


----------



## marty21 (Sep 28, 2010)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> It's been a while and sadly no scolding, but a spelling sensation here:


 
That reminds me of that joke 

A charity collector came up to me recently and asked me if I could spare a few minutes to help find a cure for cancer, I said, well I'm not a scientist but I'll give it a go


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 28, 2010)

The bit that scares me most is



> Breast cancer will be taking place on the 29th October



Well I won't be in on 29th. And I'm a bloke!


----------



## PacificOcean (Sep 28, 2010)

Wear pink?

Even as a gayer myself, I wouldn't have the audacity to wear pink.

However, I have made a donation on their site.


----------



## AnnO'Neemus (Sep 28, 2010)

TopCat said:


> The work fridge has become a bloody battle field. People accusing each other of using "their" Asda marge and so on. I wrote "student " on all their little packets with a permanent marker today.


Excellent work TopCat!    Any response yet?


----------



## AnnO'Neemus (Sep 28, 2010)

smmudge said:


> This is the sort of education my tuition fee goes on:
> 
> I'm so glad I'm learning this sort of stuff. Just a shame it's apparently of no use in the real world.
> 
> Excited I got to post something in this thread at last, my work never sent nagging e-mails


It's really fucking depressing that, after 10-11 years of schooling, undergraduates are so ill-educated that they have to be taught how to properly address formal correspondence.


----------



## strung out (Sep 28, 2010)

i doubt it's that they have to be taught how to do it, i suspect it's more that most of them can't be bothered or don't see e-mail as formal correspondence.


----------



## alan2001 (Sep 28, 2010)

i work on an offshore oil platform in the North Sea. we don't get much in the way of scolding emails, but nearly everywhere we go is plastered with incorrectly spelled and bizarrely formatted signs telling us what we can and cannot do. i'm due out at the weekend, so i'll take photos of the best ones for you. sometimes it feels like you're living in a special school.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 29, 2010)

That will be good scolding. Never before seen on this thread!!


----------



## turing test (Sep 29, 2010)

alan2001 said:


> i work on an offshore oil platform in the North Sea. we don't get much in the way of scolding emails, but nearly everywhere we go is plastered with incorrectly spelled and bizarrely formatted signs telling us what we can and cannot do. i'm due out at the weekend, so i'll take photos of the best ones for you. sometimes it feels like you're living in a special school.


 
Oh please do, that will be fun!


----------



## marty21 (Sep 29, 2010)

we need oil platform scolding


----------



## Badgers (Sep 29, 2010)

I wonder if there is a shared fridge on the platform?


----------



## marty21 (Sep 29, 2010)

no smoking signs ?


----------



## PacificOcean (Sep 29, 2010)

marty21 said:


> had a email today *ALL WRITTEN IN CAPITALS * can't post it here as too much confidential stuff about a punter , but it was *ALL IN CAPITALS* WHAT FUCKWIT WRITES ALL AN EMAIL IN CAPITALS FFS?


 
Someone who leans on their shift button and turns sticky keys on and doesn't know how to turn it off?


----------



## Santino (Sep 29, 2010)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> It's been a while and sadly no scolding, but a spelling sensation here:


 
I like how the misspelling 'Jeans for Jeans' completely obscures the meaning of the name.


----------



## PacificOcean (Sep 29, 2010)

alan2001 said:


> i work on an offshore oil platform in the North Sea. we don't get much in the way of scolding emails, but nearly everywhere we go is plastered with incorrectly spelled and bizarrely formatted signs telling us what we can and cannot do. i'm due out at the weekend, so i'll take photos of the best ones for you. sometimes it feels like you're living in a special school.


 
"Please do not pollute the coastline - we seem to keep getting in trouble for that sort off thing"


----------



## Badgers (Sep 30, 2010)

Spare the child, spoil the rod


----------



## strung out (Oct 3, 2010)

from someone i know off another forum...



> Dear Ladies
> 
> I am a very big advocate of anything we can do to to reduce our Carbon Footprint etc, but can I please implore you to check that there is nobody left in the toilets when you turn the light off; as for the third time in two weeks, i have just been left in complete darkness in the loos.
> 
> ...


----------



## paolo (Oct 7, 2010)

> I have had many complaints about employees standing outsde the building and smoking.
> 
> Smoke is going back inside the building when the doors open and is causing offence to many people. Please email all your employees that smoke and inform them that if they do not stop smoking in front of the building, we will have no alternative but to ban it completely.
> 
> ...



The Council. FFS.


----------



## Teaboy (Oct 7, 2010)

paolo999 said:


> The Council. FFS.


 
Sounds fair to me.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 7, 2010)

Local Council Might Be Interested In Workplace Legislation Infringement Shock!


----------



## paolo (Oct 7, 2010)

kabbes said:


> Local Council Might Be Interested In Workplace Legislation Infringement Shock!


 
Workplace Legislation Infringement?


----------



## kabbes (Oct 7, 2010)

It's an infringement of the smoking legislation that they are worried about, no?


----------



## paolo (Oct 7, 2010)

kabbes said:


> It's an infringement of the smoking legislation that they are worried about, no?


 
I've absolutely no idea to be honest.

We're talking about people smoking in the street.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 7, 2010)

paolo999 said:


> I've absolutely no idea to be honest.
> 
> We're talking about people smoking in the street.


Probably best to have an idea before you berate others for it!

You aren't allowed to smoke within a certain distance of the building, IIRC.  Or under cover, so if the building has covers directly outside it, that would also be forbidden.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 7, 2010)

kabbes said:


> Probably best to have an idea before you berate others for it!
> 
> You aren't allowed to smoke within a certain distance of the building, IIRC.  Or under cover, so if the building has covers directly outside it, that would also be forbidden.


 
Not sure either of those are correct there kabbes.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 7, 2010)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Not sure either of those are correct there kabbes.


 
Shh.  I was doing well.

But I'm pretty sure there is a restriction on coverings.  The LUC, for example, has a big covered outside area that people used to smoke in.  When they enacted the legislation, they had to ban people from smoking any more.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 7, 2010)

kabbes said:


> Shh.  I was doing well.
> 
> But I'm pretty sure there is a restriction on coverings.  The LUC, for example, has a big covered outside area that people used to smoke in.  When they enacted the legislation, they had to ban people from smoking any more.



AFAIK a covered area is OK as long as it has 2 or less side walls. 3 walls bad, 2 walls good.

eta: nice looking building that LUC place.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 7, 2010)

Aha, here's the relevant bit:



> Substantially enclosed: Premises will be considered substantially enclosed if they have a ceiling or roof, but where there are openings in the wall which are less than half of the total area of the walls, including structures that serve the purpose of the walls and constitute the perimeter of the premises. When determining the area of an opening, no account can be taken of opening in which doors, windows or other fittings can be opened or shut.



The LUC area was walled on some of its sides -- although the front was totally open and its sides seemed to be largely so, the total opening was probably less than 50% of the walls that constitute the perimeter.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 7, 2010)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> eta: nice looking building that LUC place.


 
Yeah, it was a pretty cool place to work.  I only got about 8 months there, though, before the office moved to the Docklands


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 7, 2010)

I feel your pain.


----------



## paolo (Oct 7, 2010)

kabbes said:


> Shh.  I was doing well.
> 
> But I'm pretty sure there is a restriction on coverings.  The LUC, for example, has a big covered outside area that people used to smoke in.  When they enacted the legislation, they had to ban people from smoking any more.


 
No coverings. We are talking about people smoking outdoors. Either on a private frontage, or the public street.

The council's only jurisdiction would be people dropping fag butts, i.e. littering, on the public street.

Anyone who's got the time to be "Getting the council involved" for petty littering is a bit mental I reckon. Personally I hate discarded chewing gum, but fuck me I'm not going to go phoning up the council asking for enforcement teams outside my front door.

Anyway, it's all nonsense bluster. This is the same building management that claimed we couldn't eat hot food in our office because "it's against building regulations".


----------



## kabbes (Oct 7, 2010)

Well good luck to them trying to stop it then!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 7, 2010)

We're not supposed to smoke on the fire escape. In case it catches fire


----------



## teuchter (Oct 7, 2010)

Me76 said:


> > have checked very carefully and nowhere on ****(the receptionist)’s or my own job description does it say cleaning up the kitchen after others is part of our roles.
> >
> > Many of you are very good about tidying up after yourselves and putting your dirty dishes in the dishwasher – but there are some who seem to think that it is acceptable to dump dirty dishes and cafeterias on the counter and draining board, leave bits of food in the sink and generally leave the kitchen in a mess. Can I put your straight – it isn’t.
> >
> ...


 
If people are dumping dirty cafeterias in the kitchen I could see how that could get a bit problematic unless it is a very big kitchen indeed. I wonder how they get them through the door.


----------



## paolo (Oct 7, 2010)

Having consulted our own office manager, I've now worked out that the "designated smoking area" is, in reality, the public part of the street.

I'm glad they've designated that. Otherwise I wouldn't have known I could smoke there.


----------



## genee_rave (Oct 14, 2010)

Just spotted this in today's Popbitch:

   Email of the week:
   Sent yesterday to Sky News journalists
   from the financial controller's office:

   All

   It has been brought to my attention 
   that people have been using the words
   "bribe" or "fraud" when submitting their
   expense claims. Whilst in most cases
   this has arisen because people are
   covering fraud or bribery cases, please
   can everybody refrain from using these
   words in future. Sky doesn't tolerate
   the use of bribery or fraud in the
   workplace and has to investigate each case.
   We will be contacting the people concerned.

   Thanks


----------



## BoatieBird (Oct 18, 2010)

Not exactly scolding, but it made me 



> Have you lost your dentures ....
> ... if so, I have them in my office. They were found on the stairwell in between levels 5 and 7.


----------



## hendo (Oct 18, 2010)

This to the entire several hundred strong office:

3 dirty mugs have been left on my desk this morning. Whilst I'm not a Char woman, I've taken the liberty of removing them to the kitchen area and have put them in the dishwasher.

So if you're missing a mug that is either navy blue or says: "Mummy" or  "Marijuana", then thats where they are.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 19, 2010)

Busted  ^


----------



## marty21 (Oct 19, 2010)

hendo said:


> This to the entire several hundred strong office:
> 
> 3 dirty mugs have been left on my desk this morning. Whilst I'm not a Char woman, I've taken the liberty of removing them to the kitchen area and have put them in the dishwasher.
> 
> So if you're missing a mug that is either navy blue or says: "Mummy" or  "Marijuana", then thats where they are.


 
mug crime - it needs to be stamped out with fire


----------



## paolo (Oct 19, 2010)

hendo said:


> This to the entire several hundred strong office:
> 
> 3 dirty mugs have been left on my desk this morning. Whilst I'm not a Char woman, I've taken the liberty of removing them to the kitchen area and have put them in the dishwasher.
> 
> So if you're missing a mug that is either navy blue or says: "Mummy" or  "Marijuana", then thats where they are.


 
Awesome!


----------



## mrs quoad (Oct 19, 2010)

Not quite scolding, but.



> This is a programme about a gang of predatory paedophiles responsible for
> the brutal rape and murder of a number of young boys, including Jason Swift.
> 
> 
> The subject matter may be of academic interest to some of you.


----------



## Me76 (Oct 20, 2010)

Someone keeps eating my butter.  I just stuck a passive aggressive note to the lid.  I feel shamed


----------



## miniGMgoit (Oct 20, 2010)

Me76 said:


> Someone keeps eating my butter.  I just stuck a passive aggressive note to the lid.  I feel shamed


 
You should have stuck your knob in it instead.

Think of the email you could send when your butter is finished


----------



## BoatieBird (Oct 20, 2010)

Me76 said:


> Someone keeps eating my butter.  I just stuck a passive aggressive note to the lid.  I feel shamed


 
So what did the note say then?


----------



## Me76 (Oct 20, 2010)

miniGMgoit said:


> You should have stuck your knob in it instead.
> 
> Think of the email you could send when your butter is finished



Unfortunately, being female I lack the equipment for knob dipping.  If I had one, it would definitely be the way to go though.  



BoatieBird said:


> So what did the note say then?


 
It was bad, I am working from home this afternoon but if I wasn't I would probably go down and remove it.  

It was something like "Stop using this butter.  You did not buy it". 

All in capitals  and I think there may have been a double exclamation mark.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 20, 2010)

Me76 said:


> All in capitals  and I think there may have been a double exclamation mark.



What colour pen?


----------



## Me76 (Oct 20, 2010)

Not sure - the first one I picked up from the desk outside the kitchen - black or blue probably.  It was written in temper.


----------



## teuchter (Oct 20, 2010)

You could just buy some more butter.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 20, 2010)

Very true, teuchter.  Butter is, what, less than £1 for a packet?


----------



## teuchter (Oct 20, 2010)

I don't know; my butler usually deals with it.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 20, 2010)

A thread recently was discussing the increasing price of butter. This is not a topic to approach lightly people.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 20, 2010)

(((Fans of Last Tango in Paris)))


----------



## Me76 (Oct 20, 2010)

The price is not the point  It is the principle!

There is also the fact that my last tub was being stolen also and the fucker who was stealing it used the last of it - literally left me scrapings - and so on that morning I wasn't able to have my toast.  This tub is almost finished, so memories of the previous incident and the fact I am a grumpy cow in the morning led to today's outburst. 

Like I said, I am ashamed and should probably go out and stone myself or something.


----------



## PacificOcean (Oct 20, 2010)

Me76 said:


> The price is not the point  It is the principle!
> 
> There is also the fact that my last tub was being stolen also and the fucker who was stealing it used the last of it - literally left me scrapings - and so on that morning I wasn't able to have my toast.  This tub is almost finished, so memories of the previous incident and the fact I am a grumpy cow in the morning led to today's outburst.
> 
> Like I said, I am ashamed and should probably go out and stone myself or something.


 
It's theft.  If it's a BMW or your butter, it's stealing.

Put K in your next tub - that will teach them!


----------



## Badgers (Oct 22, 2010)

If you had laminated the note it could be used several times. Planning is clearly not your strong point is it?


----------



## teuchter (Oct 22, 2010)

If it's in a tub, it's not butter.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 22, 2010)

I can't believe it is not


----------



## kabbes (Oct 22, 2010)

I reckon that it actually does matter if it is a BMW or a scrape of butter.


----------



## teuchter (Oct 22, 2010)

With a BMW you have to take the whole thing really, whereas with butter if you're careful you can just take a bit without it being obvious that you've done so.


----------



## quimcunx (Oct 22, 2010)

teuchter said:


> You could just buy some more butter.



or perhaps one of the freeloaders could; after all.....



kabbes said:


> Butter is, what, less than £1 for a packet?



don't you feel ashamed Me76!    You are in the right.




teuchter said:


> You could just buy some more butter.


 


teuchter said:


> With a BMW you have to take the whole thing really, whereas with butter if you're careful you can just take a bit without it being obvious that you've done so.



This is of course acceptable.  Finishing does make one's theft rather noticeable.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 22, 2010)

Me76 - An offer for ya: next time you invest in some Lurpak I'll come round and leave a nob shaped impression in it to off-put any would-be thieves. I only ask for travelling expenses & an oral clean up of my equipment. Can't say fairer.


----------



## Santino (Oct 22, 2010)

I don't think I've ever seen a 'humorous' attempt by a man to suggest that a woman he doesn't know orally pleasure him that wasn't in some way fairly creepy.


----------



## quimcunx (Oct 22, 2010)

Santino said:


> I don't think I've ever seen a 'humorous' attempt by a man to suggest that a woman he doesn't know orally pleasure him that wasn't in some way fairly creepy.


 
really?  I much prefer it to someone stealing my butter.


----------



## AKA pseudonym (Oct 23, 2010)

certainly makes you think what a knob of butter really is?


----------



## Bajie (Oct 23, 2010)

The office services people where I work who used to send round all the amusing emails about milk and biscuit thefts have all been made redundent, which is pretty shit for them.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 23, 2010)

Santino said:


> I don't think I've ever seen a 'humorous' attempt by a man to suggest that a woman he doesn't know orally pleasure him that wasn't in some way fairly creepy.


 
Suck my cock.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 23, 2010)

Sick my duck


----------



## machine cat (Oct 28, 2010)

Just received a corker!



> To all XXX Staff
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## marty21 (Oct 28, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> Just received a corker!




classic!


----------



## Biddlybee (Oct 28, 2010)

Is anyone munching lots of chocolate?


----------



## machine cat (Oct 28, 2010)

Biddly said:


> Is anyone munching lots of chocolate?


 
no, but if I find out who it is they can sort me out


----------



## marty21 (Oct 28, 2010)

were they using smelly cocaine?


----------



## machine cat (Oct 28, 2010)

i dunno what it was. probably someone skinning up with hash.


----------



## machine cat (Oct 28, 2010)

smelly cocaine pmsl


----------



## *Miss Daisy* (Oct 28, 2010)

some service user was smoking heroin in the loo last week and left bloody foil and stinky smell - for some reason I was the investigator of the loo


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 28, 2010)

I was gonna say piss-stinking base amphetamine, but how would you notice that smell in the bogs?


----------



## marty21 (Oct 28, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> i dunno what it was. probably someone skinning up with hash.


 
aren't they aware of the smoking ban ? ffs - take drugs that don't need a lighter, that's what the email  should be saying


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 28, 2010)

Cheese weed? that shit smells so much it doesn't even need to be burned.


----------



## machine cat (Oct 28, 2010)

I'm off to investigate...


----------



## marty21 (Oct 28, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> I'm off to investigate...


 
I think you should tax these foul drug users - have some of their smelly cocaine


----------



## spacemonkey (Oct 28, 2010)

*APPLE BOBBING BANNED! *



> XXXXXX
> 
> It’s not a good idea as apple bobbing has a lot of excess water which I don’t think will go down well on either carpets or the electrics under the raised floor.  Also I would be rather worried about staff trying to bite the same apple, because of the potential for passing anything on.   Taking everything into account from a risk perspective I would so no, it’s not a health & safety issue but the potential of a member of staff becoming harmed in the office by this activity is quite high and thus should be avoided.
> 
> ...



The risk of germ spreading, electrical fires, drowning and choking make it almost impossible to understand why people did it the first place!


----------



## teuchter (Oct 28, 2010)

It's potential hazards rated high gone mad!


----------



## machine cat (Oct 28, 2010)

I've just had two people ask if it's me


----------



## Badgers (Oct 28, 2010)

A good day for the scold


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Oct 28, 2010)

spacemonkey said:


> *APPLE BOBBING BANNED! *
> 
> 
> 
> The risk of germ spreading, electrical fires, drowning and choking make it almost impossible to understand why people did it the first place!


 
Class!  And I always thought it was razor blades in the apples which was the problem!


----------



## marty21 (Oct 28, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> I've just had two people ask if it's me


 
is it you?


----------



## teuchter (Oct 28, 2010)

This is not office or email-based, but it is kind of scolding - it was in a hotel room - I mostly complied


----------



## Badgers (Oct 28, 2010)

Which were 'The Animals' then?


----------



## teuchter (Oct 28, 2010)

Which were which animals?


----------



## Badgers (Oct 28, 2010)

teuchter said:


> Which were which animals?


 
It said bring in 'the' animals on the notice. Was it a farm or zoo based hotel?


----------



## teuchter (Oct 28, 2010)

I suppose it meant the ones on the Ark.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 28, 2010)

Gotcha


----------



## teuchter (Oct 28, 2010)

I didn't bring them in, anyway.


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Oct 28, 2010)

spacemonkey said:


> *APPLE BOBBING BANNED! *
> 
> 
> 
> The risk of germ spreading, electrical fires, drowning and choking make it almost impossible to understand why people did it the first place!


 
I forwarded this to Mr. QofG's as he enjoys such class entries (especially ones that mention risk management!) - his reply was

_Please to advise where the data to support the level of risk suggested by the correspondent exists and then compare to the improvement in team spirit/motivation arising from a bit of fun like this! Maybe their idea of apple bobbing differs from mine (potential for a member of staff becoming harmed... ...is quite high - what the?) but I don't recall ever hearing any tales at all of injury arising from this activity. 
_


----------



## machine cat (Oct 28, 2010)

marty21 said:


> is it you?


----------



## stuff_it (Oct 28, 2010)

Badgers said:


> Which were 'The Animals' then?


----------



## spacemonkey (Oct 28, 2010)

QueenOfGoths said:


> I forwarded this to Mr. QofG's as he enjoys such class entries (especially ones that mention risk management!) - his reply was
> 
> _Please to advise where the data to support the level of risk suggested by the correspondent exists and then compare to the improvement in team spirit/motivation arising from a bit of fun like this! Maybe their idea of apple bobbing differs from mine (potential for a member of staff becoming harmed... ...is quite high - what the?) but I don't recall ever hearing any tales at all of injury arising from this activity.
> _


 


You can tell him he inspired me to write this reply. Helped pass 15mins before hometime! 



> I am a bit concerned by this e-mail, not because we have been prevented from ‘apple bobbing’, but that the level of risk in our office activities is being poorly judged.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## porno thieving gypsy (Oct 28, 2010)

Here's is a yucky one...

_"To: All staff

Subject: Security

Most of you will be aware that over the last few months someone has periodically been smearing the walls of the toilets with faeces and leaving substantial amounts of urine on the floor. 

In order to assist in the identification of the culprit we are installing Closed Circuit Television Cameras in the stairwell areas on each floor.

We ask that anyone reports the discovery of such an incident immediately. The report should be made to the most senior member of staff present in the building at the time.

Thankyou

XXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXX"_


----------



## oryx (Oct 28, 2010)

porno thieving gypsy said:


> Here's is a yucky one...
> 
> _"To: All staff
> 
> ...


 
keep us posted will ya?


----------



## machine cat (Oct 29, 2010)

Stop Thinking!!




> Dear Colleagues
> August and September have seen a marked increase in the number of accidents affecting our staff.  There are no new hazards emerging from our analysis of this trend, but we are conscious that there has been a lot of recent communication about the economic and financial pressures facing the country and speculation about the XX.  It is possible that this has created a general level of anxiety which is manifesting itself in staff not being as attentive to the hazards around them as they should be.  Could we emphasise that your safety and wellbeing is as important to us now as ever and encourage everyone to ensure that they concentrate fully on the job in hand, including ensuring that they remain alert to their surroundings.


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Oct 29, 2010)

spacemonkey said:


> You can tell him he inspired me to write this reply. Helped pass 15mins before hometime!


 
Excellent! I shall show him this later and I think he will like your style


----------



## Badgers (Oct 29, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> Stop Thinking!!


 
I want to work where you work. A building full of stoned, stressed, accident prone workers


----------



## machine cat (Oct 29, 2010)

Badgers said:


> I want to work where you work. A building full of stoned, stressed, accident prone workers


 
It's been a strange week.


----------



## paolo (Oct 29, 2010)

spacemonkey said:


> You can tell him he inspired me to write this reply. Helped pass 15mins before hometime!


 
A beautifully worded and well reasoned reply.

Mentally, I have added just two words at the bottom, as a sign off:

"You twats"


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Oct 29, 2010)

to all staff...

_Has anyone seen my mug?

It’s white with different coloured circles/large spots all over it…I’m quite fond of it so if you know where it is, please can I have it back? _


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 29, 2010)

spacemonkey said:


> *APPLE BOBBING BANNED! *
> 
> 
> 
> The risk of germ spreading, electrical fires, drowning and choking make it almost impossible to understand why people did it the first place!


 
How is the risk from all that shit not a health & safety issue? Do you work for an MP?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 29, 2010)

porno thieving gypsy said:


> Here's is a yucky one...
> 
> _"To: All staff
> 
> ...


 
I admire your stand against your company, but would advise you to invest in a hoodie.


----------



## Geri (Oct 29, 2010)

"I know I am not here very often, but whoever keeps turning the kettle off at the plug, can you please stop it.

The same with the kitchen light, it is a health and safety issue.

Also, there is milk all around the building in offices but none in the fridge. We are supposed to share the milk, can you please think about other people before taking the last pint."

My boss, being on one last week.


----------



## The Boy (Oct 29, 2010)

Not an email, nor is it really scolding.  I did however get a phonecall from one of the directors today.  I was having trouble with the printer in our shop so had a wee play about with settings and stuff.  Kept having a play about and printing my daily reports off but noting was coming out.  Eventually I got this phonecall on behalf of one of the other shops because my printouts were coming off on their printer


----------



## Schmetterling (Oct 31, 2010)

The Boy said:


> Not an email, nor is it really scolding.  I did however get a phonecall from one of the directors today.  I was having trouble with the printer in our shop so had a wee play about with settings and stuff.  Kept having a play about and printing my daily reports off but noting was coming out.  Eventually I got this phonecall on behalf of one of the other shops because my printouts were coming off on their printer


 

Any wires protruding from your printer?  Any powder?


----------



## machine cat (Nov 3, 2010)

An update on the drug "problem" at work - apparently the person who reported it is a fantasist and habitual liar and the whole thing is complete bollocks.

Now I'll never find someone at work to sort me out


----------



## Badgers (Nov 3, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> An update on the drug "problem" at work - apparently the person who reported it is a fantasist and habitual liar and the whole thing is complete bollocks.


 
Excellent news, your work delivers again!! 

Is he to be named, shamed and dragged around the building on some sort of cart?


----------



## machine cat (Nov 3, 2010)

Badgers said:


> Excellent news, your work delivers again!!
> 
> Is he to be named, shamed and dragged around the building on some sort of cart?


 
She's the MD's PA


----------



## Reno (Nov 3, 2010)

We got this last evening in regard to the tube strike:

_Obviously we should all take necessary precautions.

THERE ARE 3 OPTIONS:
1.	Cycle or walk  (or overground train?) Buses NOT a good idea unless you leave at 6 in the morning!
2.	Work from home – but you must let your line producer and supervisor know and check that you are working to schedule
3.	Take the day off

If you want to try getting in any other way feel free, but I would expect you to work normal hours. *Ringing from a bus stop and saying you’ve been waiting for 2 hours is not an option!*We know there’s a strike so of course it’s going to take forever on a bus! So take one of the options above, unless you are sure of being able to get in on a bus in time.
It’s annoying ringing up trying to take buses/tubes that don’t work and then not getting in till 11/12..._

2. is not an option for most of us because of the nature of the work and 3. would be unpaid leave.

Thanks


----------



## marty21 (Nov 3, 2010)

porno thieving gypsy said:


> Here's is a yucky one...
> 
> _"To: All staff
> 
> ...



Yuk!


----------



## marty21 (Nov 3, 2010)

Badgers said:


> Excellent news, your work delivers again!!
> 
> Is he to be named, shamed and dragged around the building on some sort of cart?


 
this would be a reasonable response


----------



## quimcunx (Nov 3, 2010)

Reno said:


> We got this last evening in regard to the tube strike:
> 
> _Obviously we should all take necessary precautions.
> 
> ...


 
Nice. 

so
1. phone up at 10.30am saying you're walking in and got lost; or,
2. phone up at 10.30am saying you got bikejacked at the traffic lights by a city broker in a hurry


----------



## Badgers (Nov 3, 2010)

drcarnage said:


> She's the MD's PA


 
Awesome, link to her facebook then?


----------



## turing test (Nov 4, 2010)

This one comes from one of the better managers in our unit.  She is right, the fridge contents needed to be nuked. 

Dear all,

Some very kind fridge fairies have taken the time to dispose of a number of hideous looking specimens. Thanks very much to the fairies but the rest of us should not allow the fridge to get in this state.
Please regularly check the fridge for any out of date items or forgotten lunches that you may have left behind.

Also, I’m not sure of the solution but the whole milk-container-breeding-program seems to be getting out of hand as well and this isn’t helping the fridge space issue. Perhaps we need to reconsider (I know there was previously little interest) a milk kitty that ensures we have enough full cream, skim, soy etc for all users each week.

Thanks


----------



## Badgers (Nov 4, 2010)

Quite well worded for a scold


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 5, 2010)

> Most of you will be aware that on occasions we need to meet the train on which *** is travelling to handover drawings etc.  Since Newcastle and Durham railway stations installed barriers we have been under the impression that we would not be able to access the platform to meet the train.
> 
> I recently wrote to both Newcastle and Durham stations and I have attached the response from Durham.  I would suggest that if there is a need to meet the train in the future, we use Durham station (providing the train stops there) and a copy of the attached letter is taken.
> 
> ...



Just received this from a person who claims to be working 18 hour days, yet still has time for this rubbish.  Pretty sure the same thing would apply to Newcastle and wouldn't require a 90 minute round trip


----------



## teuchter (Nov 5, 2010)

^ seems a reasonable enough thing to write a memo about to me


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 5, 2010)

It's a complete waste of someone's time.  The alternative suggestion of just going to Newcastle and buying a ticket to the next station for a couple of pounds if they insist has been ignored.

Alternatively *** could always just remember to get everything they need when they're in the office, but that's been ignored too


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 11, 2010)

Not a scold, but odd all the same:



> Hi everyone.
> 
> 
> I loath to say this but could you guys please refrain from eating Oranges anywhere near me?
> ...


----------



## Me76 (Nov 11, 2010)

Where I used to work there was someone who was 'allergic' to the smell of vinegar.  She would go mad if she saw anyone with chips - before she had even found out if they had any vinegar on them.


----------



## Kanda (Nov 11, 2010)

Can you not buy Platform Tickets these days????


----------



## gabi (Nov 11, 2010)

I got sacked for eating snickers at work once. on my first day. i honestly thought the signs about nut allergy were a joke.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 11, 2010)

Kanda said:


> Can you not buy Platform Tickets these days????


 
What?


----------



## fen_boy (Nov 11, 2010)

Badgers said:


> What?



Platform tickets. There used to be a little machine in Peterboro station where you could get a platform ticket for 10p or something.


----------



## Kanda (Nov 11, 2010)

Yup. It allowed people to get on the platform and see off or greet people.


----------



## Kanda (Nov 11, 2010)

..and for Train Spotters of course! 

http://www.exacteditions.com/exact/browse/545/744/4983/3/28/0/whatever happened to platform tickets


----------



## mrs quoad (Nov 24, 2010)

> For some weeks now students living on the College site have been the
> victims of food thefts from shared <kitchens> on a number of
> staircases.
> 
> ...



"to address with them the causes of this antisocial
behaviour"


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Nov 24, 2010)

what's a "_shared gyp room_" when its at home?


----------



## teuchter (Nov 24, 2010)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> what's a "_shared gyp room_" when its at home?


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Nov 24, 2010)

teuchter said:


>


Well that's what I thought, I must admit.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 24, 2010)

It's a kitchen.  Cambridge University has a language all of its own.


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Nov 24, 2010)

They let gypsies study at Cambridge?!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 24, 2010)

Hence kabbes' deagree


----------



## kabbes (Nov 24, 2010)

That's why all its mathematics is in hex.


----------



## mrs quoad (Nov 24, 2010)

Oop. I have partly debollocksed the email. I think the only other current piece of unusually wanky / parochial slang is a "bop." For parties.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 24, 2010)

I'll be honest -- I was hoping for a bigger reaction to my "hex" joke.  Not a nerdy enough audience, obviously.


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 24, 2010)

your anti-ziganism disgusted me.


----------



## teuchter (Nov 24, 2010)

Maybe if you explain it, it will make it funnier.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 24, 2010)

teuchter said:


> Maybe if you explain it, it will make it funnier.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 24, 2010)

Neither office nor scolding, but for the humour in the pathos that I found in it, I have to share this email from our village mailing list.



> Subject: Coffee Morning and Stamps for Christmas mail. And a new event in the village for Christmas!
> 
> This Friday is coffee morning in the JV Hall from 11.00.The reason for this reminder is that I have a large amount of stamps for sale for your Christmas mail, both for the UK (2nd and 1st Class) and for overseas mail. And these come at a discount or between 5% and 10%. I buy large quantities at a discount from the collections of deceased stamp collectors. There is a glut on the market. I get a large discount and sell at a discount but with 10% of sales going to the church and village hall.
> 
> ...


He seems quite delighted at the death of stamp collectors.  And how the fuck do you get into the market of buying up of unused stamps from stamp collectors' estates?

At least we have the Polish choir to cheer us up.  I expect that they are quite polished.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 24, 2010)

See your village pathos and raise you a CofE school madness one, (they're having a new hall & kitchens build, the builders have just gone bust):



> Some of you may know ******* and ****** ******** who do great work out in the community on behalf of St ****’s and St ****'s Church.  In the light of our build situation ******* and ****** have very kindly offered a Prayer Time at St ****’s next Tuesday and Wednesday lunchtime from 12-1pm.  We cannot underestimate the power of prayer, especially at such a difficult time for the school so if any of you would like to visit the Church next Tuesday or Wednesday for a time of prayer, ******* and ****** will be there.  We thank them most sincerely for their support.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 24, 2010)

You can't underestimate the power of prayer, Herr Strasse.  STOP UNDERESTIMATING THE POWER OF PRAYER.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 24, 2010)

Pray for baby bahn's new assembly hall you bastard, PRAY!!!


----------



## kabbes (Nov 24, 2010)

If you don't pray, it means you want the hall build to fail.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 24, 2010)

Baby Bahn is dreading the thought of giving up packed lunches and moving on to school dinners. I suspect her school's turning her over to the dark side.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 24, 2010)

Putting the two things together -- maybe your school could fund its hall buy buying cheap stamps from dead philatelists and selling them on at a profit?


----------



## teuchter (Nov 24, 2010)

kabbes said:


> Neither office nor scolding, but for the humour in the pathos that I found in it, I have to share this email from our village mailing list.
> 
> 
> He seems quite delighted at the death of stamp collectors.  And how the fuck do you get into the market of buying up of unused stamps from stamp collectors' estates?


 
And anyway, since when did stamp collectors buy up large quantities of currently valid stamps? Or is he expecting you to send your christmas cards with penny blacks?

NB as an act of kindness I have not included your "polish" pun in the quote above


----------



## kabbes (Nov 24, 2010)

teuchter said:


> And anyway, since when did stamp collectors buy up large quantities of currently valid stamps? Or is he expecting you to send your christmas cards with penny blacks?


I was wondering that.  But then I thought it might be those "special edition" sets that the Post Office sell -- like 6 stamps with a Hollywood theme or something.



> NB as an act of kindness I have not included your "polish" pun in the quote above


Thank you.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 24, 2010)

kabbes said:


> Putting the two things together -- maybe your school could fund its hall buy buying cheap stamps from dead philatelists and selling them on at a profit?


----------



## kabbes (Nov 24, 2010)

On the other hand, philately will get you nowhere.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 24, 2010)

Philately what I was thinking.


----------



## turing test (Nov 25, 2010)

Dear Staff,

I had some choc hedgehog slice (which I made) leftover from morning tea today and put them back into my red container in the fridge to take home however someone has eaten them.  While I don’t mind sharing my treats, only food left on the table is for everyone to share and generally an email will be circulated to that effect.  Food in the fridge belongs to the individual staff who placed it there.

Then later
Dear XXXX

This is probably my fault I said to a number of staff they were welcome to help themselves to the chocolate balls that I had made and left in the fridge so they wouldn’t melt. Maybe a little confusion. 

Sorry. 


Cheers,


----------



## Badgers (Nov 25, 2010)

Awesome ^

What I like best is the petty attention to detail. The colour of the container and detailed 'treat' descriptions!


----------



## teuchter (Nov 25, 2010)

How easy is it to distinguish between choc hedgehog slice and chocolate balls? - this is the central question when considering one's verdict in this case.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 25, 2010)

teuchter said:


> How easy is it to distinguish between choc hedgehog slice and chocolate balls? - this is the central question when considering one's verdict in this case.


 
If I was told there was chocolate 'something' in the fridge I would consider it all fair game.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 25, 2010)

It does beg the question how often are there treats in this office? The first email reads like this is a daily occurrence with a distribution policy in place.


----------



## teuchter (Nov 25, 2010)

We had treats in our office today, to celebrate the fact that the boss is too ill to come in. I had a piece of millionaire's shortbread. It is however not a daily occurence.


----------



## teuchter (Nov 25, 2010)

There is a distribution policy in place though.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 25, 2010)

teuchter said:


> There is a distribution policy in place though.


 
Communicated verbally or in writing? I suppose the employee handbook would be the best communication vehicle here?


----------



## teuchter (Nov 25, 2010)

Badgers said:


> Communicated verbally or in writing? I suppose the employee handbook would be the best communication vehicle here?


 
I must confess that I haven't consulted the employee handbook on this. Communications are generally made verbally and my impression is that the current procedures are both transparent and efficient. If I didn't feel this was the case I would of course raise it as an issue and possibly suggest that the relevant handbook section be reviewed, as well as consideration being given to the expectations of the various stakeholders affected by any policy change in this regard.


----------



## scifisam (Nov 25, 2010)

I'd forgotten how much I love this thread! 



kabbes said:


> That's why all its mathematics is in hex.



Excellent. 



kabbes said:


> At least we have the Polish choir to cheer us up.  I expect that they are quite polished.


 
Excrement. 



Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Pray for baby bahn's new assembly hall you bastard, PRAY!!!


 
If you pray for it, it will come. At least for the second coming. [insert paedopriest joke here]


----------



## turing test (Nov 25, 2010)

Badgers said:


> Awesome ^
> 
> What I like best is the petty attention to detail. The colour of the container and detailed 'treat' descriptions!


 
While the attention to detail in this example is impressive, you should see what this person can do with administartive policy.

About the hedgehog slices-they were damned good.

For the sake of clarity-I am NOT the offender who stole her treat after she returned it to the fridge


----------



## moonsi til (Nov 25, 2010)

care to enlighten me on what a 'chocolate hedghog slice' is please?


----------



## kabbes (Nov 25, 2010)

Like a normal hedgehog slice but with extra chocolate.


----------



## moonsi til (Nov 25, 2010)

I could google but what is a normal hedgehog slice?...I have never heard the like! (thinking you may not have either?)


----------



## kabbes (Nov 25, 2010)

Pfft.

It's like a guinea pig slice but spikier.


----------



## turing test (Nov 25, 2010)

They looked a lot like this

YUM


----------



## moonsi til (Nov 25, 2010)

^^^ that is not what you get when you google 'chocolate hedgehog slice'...


----------



## turing test (Nov 25, 2010)

moonsi til said:


> ^^^ that is not what you get when you google 'chocolate hedgehog slice'...


 
See that is your problem right there-they were "choc hedgehog slice."  Google that and I am sure you will find the right answer.


----------



## teuchter (Nov 26, 2010)

turing test said:


> They looked a lot like this
> 
> YUM


 
Last time I sliced a hedgehog it looked nothing like that.


----------



## turing test (Nov 26, 2010)

Geez-you guys take your hedgehogs pretty seriously.  I won't even try to find a Google image of chocolate balls


----------



## kabbes (Nov 26, 2010)

I thought they were like a chocolate starfish?


----------



## marty21 (Nov 29, 2010)

> Dear All,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



a classic office email


----------



## Badgers (Nov 29, 2010)

marty21 said:


> a classic office email


 
Where are the photos?


----------



## Badgers (Nov 29, 2010)

Badgers said:


> Where are the photos?


 
Well?


----------



## marty21 (Nov 29, 2010)

Badgers said:


> Well?


 
Well, I'm at work atm, difficultto do the picture thing at work, will try and do it later, in brief though, 2 pictures of mouldy food - one picture of unopened yoghurt pot - best before date 01/03/10


----------



## Badgers (Nov 29, 2010)

marty21 said:


> Well, I'm at work atm, difficultto do the picture thing at work, will try and do it later, in brief though, 2 pictures of mouldy food - one picture of unopened yoghurt pot - best before date 01/03/10


 
Cheers


----------



## turing test (Nov 30, 2010)

Subject: allergic reaction to flowers in bathrooms
Importance: High

Dear All
Even if is beautiful and aesthetically pleasant to have fresh flowers in toilets facilities this can cause and have caused allergic reactions.

Please refrain from bringing those in the future.

Thank you very much for your co-operation and understanding.

Kind regards,
XXXX
OH&S Manager


----------



## Mr_Nice (Nov 30, 2010)

turing test said:


> Subject: allergic reaction to flowers in bathrooms
> Importance: High
> 
> Dear All
> ...


 
FFS ya couldnt make it up, best you dont go outside either loads of flowers out there


----------



## alan2001 (Nov 30, 2010)

alan2001 said:


> i work on an offshore oil platform in the North Sea. we don't get much in the way of scolding emails, but nearly everywhere we go is plastered with incorrectly spelled and bizarrely formatted signs telling us what we can and cannot do. i'm due out at the weekend, so i'll take photos of the best ones for you. sometimes it feels like you're living in a special school.


 


turing test said:


> Oh please do, that will be fun!


 


marty21 said:


> we need oil platform scolding


ok then! sorry this has taken so long. i had to take these photos quite furtively or i would have looked like a weirdo. (no need to confirm people's suspicions, eh?)


----------



## alan2001 (Nov 30, 2010)

part 2:






passive aggressive or what:






my favourite - straight to the point:


----------



## Badgers (Nov 30, 2010)

North Sea oil platform scolding


----------



## BigTom (Nov 30, 2010)

Mr_Nice said:


> FFS ya couldnt make it up, best you dont go outside either loads of flowers out there



tbf fresh cut flowers are very different to flowers outside for people allergic to pollen for two key reasons:
1) flowers outside are insect pollinated and do not give off a lot of pollen into the air normally, but cut flowers will release pollen into the air
2) in a confined space the pollen has nowhere to go, so it builds up.

It's also possible that someone at that workplace has a strong allergy to flower pollen, eczema flare-ups are fairly common with someone who has a pollen allergy as well, and from what I'm told eczema is very uncomfortable.  I'm not sure that anyone has a serious pollen allergy in the style of nuts/wasps which might cause throat swellings or anything like that though, but I'd imagine it's not impossible (though quite how anyone would get through spring alive, I don't know)

I wouldn't complain about someone putting fresh cut flowers in my work but I would refuse a gift of them and won't have them in my house.  At the same time I plant flowers in my front garden quite happily.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 30, 2010)

As a bonus extra, I like the fact that in the "QUITE PLEASE!" poster, they have hyphenated "next-door".


----------



## alan2001 (Nov 30, 2010)

hehe, yeah i do wonder what goes through people's heads when they do something extra for no reason at all. probably not much.

two more:

lots of exclamation marks means that they must _really_ mean it.






this one is somewhat interesting, because it implies that it _used_ to be ok to smoke in the cabins; just not in bed! i can't even imagine that happening, ever, but then again this old rustbucket was born in 1977.


----------



## strung out (Nov 30, 2010)

alan2001 said:


>


 
this one's my favourite


----------



## teuchter (Dec 1, 2010)

alan2001 said:


>


 
It seems that this could be replaced with a sign that just says "drink some water".


----------



## teuchter (Dec 1, 2010)

Did I post this already? I know it's not actually an office scolding email. It was left by a temporary guest in our house.


----------



## fractionMan (Dec 1, 2010)

I want to get the bristol stool scale up in the bogs with accompanying spreadsheet on the intranet


----------



## neonwilderness (Dec 1, 2010)

teuchter said:


> Did I post this already? I know it's not actually an office scolding email. It was left by a temporary guest in our house.


Did you find the big spider/beetle/mouse?


----------



## Badgers (Dec 1, 2010)

There must be some good 'snow/travel' emails floating about at the moment?


----------



## Me76 (Dec 1, 2010)

teuchter said:


> Did I post this already? I know it's not actually an office scolding email. It was left by a temporary guest in our house.


 
Good use of brackets in that one.


----------



## teuchter (Dec 1, 2010)

neonwilderness said:


> Did you find the big spider/beetle/mouse?


 
As far as i recall no particular action was taken as a result of the message.


----------



## a_chap (Dec 1, 2010)

teuchter said:


> As far as i recall no particular action was taken as a result of the message.


 
Becasue it was too fast for anyone's eyes obviously.


----------



## Yu_Gi_Oh (Dec 2, 2010)

That note is so sweet, I love there way she amended the note to make one sentence present perfect instead of past.  Was she living with you while she studied English?


----------



## teuchter (Dec 2, 2010)

Yu_Gi_Oh said:


> That note is so sweet, I love there way she amended the note to make one sentence present perfect instead of past.  Was she living with you while she studied English?


 
It was a he actually. I can't remember exactly why he was staying. Friend of a friend. It was just for a week or two.


----------



## Mation (Dec 3, 2010)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Not a scold, but odd all the same:


I have the same problem with oranges. People I work with know (I didn't send and email, just told the people I sit with who are very sweet and tell other people 'noooooooooo!' if they're about to peel one.

Someone had a sneaky one while I'd left the room for a bit today though. I had to get someone to fish it out of the bin and put it in a bag for me and then sat at my desk breathing through wet kitchen towel for a while as I had to do stuff on the computer 

It's the limonene in the oil/peel.



kabbes said:


> That's why all its mathematics is in hex.


 


kabbes said:


> If you don't pray, it means you want the hall build to fail.


----------



## BigTom (Dec 11, 2010)

> Yes colleagues
> 
> One mug
> One mug was all there was in the US staffroom at 7.45 Tuesday morning.
> ...



finally get to contribute to this thread


----------



## Badgers (Dec 11, 2010)

BigTom said:


> finally get to contribute to this thread


 
I admire the creativity.


----------



## Crispy (Dec 11, 2010)

Creativity, or on the verge of going on a murder rampage. Hard to tell....


----------



## Badgers (Dec 11, 2010)

Crispy said:


> Creativity, or on the verge of going on a murder rampage. Hard to tell....


 
At least it is on the record though


----------



## mrs quoad (Dec 14, 2010)

Not scolding, but just received this sign-off to an email.



> Best of luck with the reasearch and hopefully I may pop into you one day in Cambridge.


----------



## RubyToogood (Dec 14, 2010)

Not a scold, but after the umpteenth person came downstairs asking if their parcel had turned up, I've just sent round the following email and hastily retired for lunch. Suffice it to say that Charlton is not our nearest sorting office:




			
				me said:
			
		

> We've just had a card through the door from Parcel Force saying that they have a number of parcels for us but are unable to deliver because of the backlog due to the weather. They can be collected from the depot in Charlton, or they can redeliver, but the estimated delivery date is 27/12/10.




I am so evil...


----------



## marty21 (Dec 14, 2010)

BigTom said:


> finally get to contribute to this thread


 
an excellent mug based rant


----------



## Ted Striker (Dec 15, 2010)

BigTom said:


> finally get to contribute to this thread


 
Anyone else lead off with "muuuug is a temple, muuuuuuuuuug the higher ground...."? No? ...As you were


----------



## Cloo (Dec 17, 2010)

Scolding note by the sink in our side of the office:

‘To whoever leaves their dirty cereal bowl in the sink

If you can’t be bothered to wash it up, please could you at least move it from underneath the tap?’

So the dirty cereal bowl was placed beside the sink for several days in a row and has now vanished. Whether this is because they’re washing it up or they’re gone until after Xmas I don’t know.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 12, 2011)

First one of 2011:



> This may seem petty but if someone took the clothes hanger from back here, please bring it back. We only had one ( which I brought in) and that has now disappeared.
> A box of tissues has also disappeared from ***’s desk…. Please people, you gotta be kidding!
> 
> There will be a clothes hanger and tissues amnesty all day.


----------



## kabbes (Jan 12, 2011)

Please people!

PLEASE!

Oh godohgodoh god... please.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 12, 2011)

> There will be a clothes hanger and tissues amnesty all day.



Fucking awesome. 
Is it today? 

I would have to have jokes!!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 12, 2011)

Badgers said:


> Fucking awesome.
> Is it today?
> 
> I would have to have jokes!!



I'm nipping out to Baby Gap at lunchtime and will return with loads of tiny hangers for her.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 12, 2011)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> I'm nipping out to Baby Gap at lunchtime and will return with loads of tiny hangers for her.


 
PM me her address and I will post her some too.


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jan 12, 2011)

kabbes said:


> Please people!
> 
> PLEASE!
> 
> Oh godohgodoh god... please.



Are you having a bit of a five shuffle there kabbes 

Is that why there are tissues missing


----------



## TopCat (Jan 12, 2011)

A note by our kitchen sink. "To whoever keep leaving dirty cups and dishes in the sink, please don't think someone else will do YOUR washing up. This applies to MANAGEMENT as well". I know who wrote it. I put her fav mug in the bin after this.


----------



## gabi (Jan 13, 2011)

> Dear all,
> 
> Apologies - this email is only aimed at one person, I’m just not sure who; next time you drop grapes on the floor why don’t you pick them up instead of leaving them there for someone else to slip on and then clear up?
> 
> Just a thought



^^^ just returned from a month on beach in brazil to find this snippet in my inbox


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jan 13, 2011)

From the popbitch mail-out:

>> Toilet humour <<
       The different sides to lavatorial etiquette

    Maybe the January detoxes are to blame, but
    things seem a bit gruesome in the bathrooms
   of the media world.

    The Guardian maintain a hand-wringing, softy
   sensibility in the face of people making a
   horrible, shitty mess of their loos - as a
   diplomatically worded email addressed to the
   male staff shows:

    "In the event that you are, ahem, inconvenienced
    when visiting the toilets, please use the brush
    handily situated at the side of the toilet to
    clean the bowl after yourself."

    In contrast, this is how you can be expected to
    be addressed if you miss the target at
   Big Brother makers Endemol:

    "Stop pissing all over the lavatory like a
    fucking animal. What is wrong with your penis?
    Is it a corkscrew? Does it flick around like
    a hosepipe?"

Full notice:
http://www.popbitch.com/home/2011/01/13/a-polite-notice/


----------



## dilute micro (Jan 14, 2011)

Donna Ferentes said:


> I wrote one once after somebody kept drinking my milk. It went something like:
> 
> _Before drinking the milk in the fridge from the carton marked Donna, please check that your name is, in fact, Donna. Somebody has been drinking from it under the apparent impression that their name is Donna, which surprises me as to my knowledge I am in fact the only Donna working here. If you are not sure what your name is, please check with a friend beforehand. Thank you. _


 
Don't eat or drink anything kept in a communal fridge.


----------



## Megaton (Jan 16, 2011)

I hate people who put their name on stuff. Not that I ever nick it, but the fact that its so petty and sad.


----------



## laptop (Jan 17, 2011)

Megaton said:


> I hate people who put their name on stuff. Not that I ever nick it, but the fact that its so petty and sad.


 
At one time, I'd just write "NOT YOURS" on stuff.

For some reason this irritated them even more


----------



## Yetman (Jan 17, 2011)

I fill my sandwiches with shit and yoghurts with the plague just in case anyone nicks them from the fridge at work. It is a pain having to eat them to keep up the pretence but one day some sucker is going to give into temptation and taste the wrong end of my digestive tract


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 24, 2011)

More madness from the brat's school:



> It has been brought to our attention that a family is arriving at school via Park Crescent and the child is then being lifted over the fence at the far end of the crescent and into school.  Please could whoever is doing this come into school by the main front entrance.


----------



## marty21 (Jan 24, 2011)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> More madness from the brat's school:


 
don't they know who the kid is? or is some random person, randomly lifting random kids over the fence, kids that don't speak, and aren't registered at the school, so thay have no idea who they are.

madness


----------



## BoatieBird (Jan 25, 2011)

Beautifully put!



> I have noticed more-and-more that we seem to feel that our salvation at ***** will come, not through better and more popular courses or more concern with student retention, but rather by for ever changing people’s locations, groupings, affiliations and titles.
> 
> This trend seems ubiquitous. For example, I have now got used to being a ‘customer’ in the library (which sounds to me like Tesco or Sainsbury’s) rather than a ‘user’, ‘reader’ or ‘patron’. In the library recently, I noticed on the screen over what used to be reception a message announcing the recent creation of so-called Small Customer Support Units (SCSUs).
> 
> ...


----------



## joustmaster (Jan 25, 2011)

Good Morning All,

I apologise for sending out so many emails this morning and also if any of
you are eating whilst reading this.

I need to address the state of both men's and women's toilets over the past
few weeks.

These facilities are being left in such a way that even we cannot clean up
this mess. There have been a number of incidents where excrement has been
smeared all over the floors, walls, doors etc.

We need to arrange for professional disinfectant services to clean this,
every time one of these incidents happens.

I appreciate whilst accidents happen, and in this case can be very
embarrassing, if anything like this ever happens to you please inform a
member of staff immediately, so we can arrange for this to be
temporarily made out of use so as to avoid any other people having to
witness such an unpleasant scene.

These facilities are used by everyone in the building, tenants, visitors,
contractors, staff etc. So please leave them in a clean and tidy manner. 

Thank you


----------



## Athos (Jan 25, 2011)

Accidents happen?  What the fuck kind of an accident results in "excrement ... smeared all over the floors, walls and doors etc"?


----------



## TruXta (Jan 25, 2011)

Clearly a bad one!


----------



## joustmaster (Jan 25, 2011)

just for clarity - I didn't shit everywhere.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 25, 2011)

That is pretty fierce. 



> There have been a number of incidents where excrement has been
> smeared all over the floors, walls, doors *etc*.



So floors, walls, doors confirmed but what is the '*etc*' they mention on the email?


----------



## marty21 (Jan 25, 2011)

joustmaster said:


> just for clarity - I didn't shit everywhere.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 25, 2011)

joustmaster said:


> just for clarity - I didn't shit everywhere.


 
Just on the floors, walls and doors?


----------



## marty21 (Jan 25, 2011)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Just on the floors, walls and doors?


 
I think he may have painted a picture of Jesus on the walls


----------



## a_chap (Jan 25, 2011)

Badgers said:


> So floors, walls, doors confirmed but what is the '*etc*' they mention on the email?


 
Ceiling? Roof? Car park?

The mind boggles.


----------



## laptop (Jan 25, 2011)

Badgers said:


> So floors, walls, doors confirmed but what is the '*etc*' they mention on the email?


 

Ceiling
Windows
Window-frames
Skirting-boards
Dado rails
Door handles
Interior partitions
Sinks
WC bowls
Cisterns
Piping
The little brass thingy near the stopcock where they keep the verbal tic that makes them type "etc" at the end of any list to save having to do some actual thought about its membership


----------



## joustmaster (Jan 25, 2011)

laptop said:


> Ceiling
> Windows
> Window-frames
> Skirting-boards
> ...


 so it was you,,,,


----------



## quimcunx (Jan 25, 2011)

In my very limited experience of the world of mislocated shit, ''smearing'' is rarely ''accidental''.


----------



## Crispy (Jan 25, 2011)

Maybe they only accidentally smeared a little bit. On a mis-aimed piece of toilet paper, say. Then in order to cover it up, smeared everything else in shit so the accident wouldn't stand out? Can't fault that sort of logic.


----------



## hiccup (Jan 27, 2011)

Not an email, but in keeping with the current theme of this thread. Saw this at an IT training centre yesterday:







Didn't drink from it tbh (it's a drinking fountain).


----------



## marty21 (Jan 27, 2011)

hiccup said:


> Not an email, but in keeping with the current theme of this thread. Saw this at an IT training centre yesterday:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'd probably ignore that sign tbh, or see if I could piss my initials into it


----------



## kabbes (Jan 27, 2011)

Hahaha

No WAY I'd risk drinking from that!


----------



## laptop (Jan 27, 2011)

?


----------



## hiccup (Jan 27, 2011)

It's like a Duchamp/Foucault mash up.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 28, 2011)

Dunno where to put this as it's an occurrence and not an e-mail or a scold...

We have various certificates on the wall near the kitchen, framed licenses etc. One is a valid copy of our liability insurance. The building manager came round about half an hour ago and the liability insurance fell off the wall and smashed on her head.


----------



## turing test (Feb 10, 2011)

Sent: Tue 8/02/2011 12:57 PM
To: XXXX Announce
Subject: UMBRELLAS BLOCKING ROUTES AND EXITS

Dear Colleagues,

This morning I have removed from the path they were blocking some wide opened umbrellas.

I won't suggest that you don't dry your umbrellas after coming to work but THEY CAN NOT BLOCK ROUTES OR EXITS INTO ANY AREA, this is against common sense and the current Fire Safety Legislation.

All offender umbrellas will be removed altogether in the future and the owners will have to pay me a visit. :0)

Thank you very much for your cooperation in this matter.

XXXX

OH&S Manager


----------



## a_chap (Feb 10, 2011)

Headline - Opened umbrella blocks fire exit. Hundreds die.

"The heat was intense, " said one survivor "but there was this open umbrella near the fire door and no-one thought to FUCKING MOVE IT so we could get out and save ourselves."


----------



## Badgers (Feb 10, 2011)

Not umbrella related but Mitch Hedberg came to mind when I read these. 



> I was at a casino. I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move -- you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run.





> If you're flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit


----------



## turing test (Feb 10, 2011)

a_chap said:


> Headline - Opened umbrella blocks fire exit. Hundreds die.
> 
> "The heat was intense, " said one survivor "but there was this open umbrella near the fire door and no-one thought to FUCKING MOVE IT so we could get out and save ourselves."


 
There were hundreds of umbrellas, big ones, little ones Hello kitty ones.  We never had a chance!!


----------



## machine cat (Feb 18, 2011)

I have just asked facilities to send round a scolding email about the lack of forks in the ground floor kitchen.

Watch this space!


----------



## hiccup (Feb 18, 2011)

Pro-activism


----------



## kittyP (Feb 18, 2011)

hiccup said:


> Pro-activism


 
Prong-activism?


----------



## hiccup (Feb 18, 2011)

Tinely prong-activism at that.


----------



## marty21 (Feb 18, 2011)

drcarnage said:


> I have just asked facilities to send round a scolding email about the lack of forks in the ground floor kitchen.
> 
> Watch this space!


 
forking hell!


----------



## kabbes (Feb 18, 2011)

Fancy a fork?


----------



## a_chap (Feb 18, 2011)

You little prick


----------



## Yetman (Feb 18, 2011)

_Can whoever it is that keeps spitting on the walls of the gents lavatories PLEASE STOP. Thank you._

That was ages ago


----------



## machine cat (Feb 18, 2011)

drcarnage said:


> I have just asked facilities to send round a scolding email about the lack of forks in the ground floor kitchen.
> 
> Watch this space!


 
looks like this isn't going to happen


----------



## marty21 (Feb 18, 2011)

drcarnage said:


> looks like this isn't going to happen



you forking tease monkey!


----------



## MysteryGuest (Feb 18, 2011)

tine gentlemen, please.


----------



## mrs quoad (Feb 25, 2011)

> Last week my staff reported disruptions at formal hall, with sugar
> lumps being melted on candlesticks to name one such example. Can I please
> remind you of the Colleges guidelines for behaviour at Formal Hall
> [link to guidelines for behaviour at formal hall] which if abused, could
> ...


Awww.


----------



## rubbershoes (Feb 25, 2011)

not scolding



> Did any-one call a Daniel Dyer. he had a missed call  can you phone him again.



daniel!


----------



## the button (Mar 11, 2011)

> Dear all staff,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Idaho (Mar 11, 2011)

Not scolding, and not in an office - but it wasn't worth a thread on it's own.

6:30am at Exeter train station on Wednesday, an annoucement on the tannoy asked for a "Mrs Don, Mrs Wai Don to come to the ticket barrier". 

Prank call or just the staff pissing about, I'm not sure.


----------



## turing test (Apr 6, 2011)

*Fridge again*

When you come into work on Friday morning, do something different.   
Don’t put your lunch in the fridge but instead place it on the table.  
At the same time, make sure you take anything you want to keep from the fridge and also place it on the table.

The fridge is also going to have a change and at 8.30am, anything left in there is also going to go on a one way trip !

If you find that you enjoy doing something differently, then may I suggest that you make another more permanent change:
Each morning when you go to put your lunch in the fridge – think about whether any part of yesterday’s is still there.  
If it is, then do something different, throw it out !


----------



## Pingu (Apr 6, 2011)

lol just got one from the admin personin our Polish office. its obviously aimed at one person in particular but it  has gone company wide so they cant be accused of picking on one person.

"Would all staff please refrain from leaving egg mayonaise in the fridge ovenight as it stinks the fridge out"

now 80% of us work from home but its something I intend to raise with Mrs Pingu tonight


----------



## Schmetterling (Apr 6, 2011)

Pingu said:


> lol just got one from the admin personin our Polish office. its obviously aimed at one person in particular but it  has gone company wide so they cant be accused of picking on one person.
> 
> "Would all staff please refrain from leaving egg mayonaise in the fridge ovenight as it stinks the fridge out"
> 
> now 80% of us work from home but its something I intend to raise with Mrs Pingu tonight


 
That was not written by a Pole; far too nice.

'Do not put egg mayo in refridge.  It stiiink.'


----------



## Pingu (Apr 6, 2011)

she is american


----------



## kittyP (Apr 6, 2011)

Idaho said:


> Not scolding, and not in an office - but it wasn't worth a thread on it's own.
> 
> 6:30am at Exeter train station on Wednesday, an annoucement on the tannoy asked for a "Mrs Don, Mrs Wai Don to come to the ticket barrier".
> 
> Prank call or just the staff pissing about, I'm not sure.



I don't get it


----------



## skyscraper101 (Apr 6, 2011)

neither do I


----------



## electroplated (Apr 6, 2011)

i'm guessing it sounds like 'wide on' which is apparently a rude term?


----------



## skyscraper101 (Apr 6, 2011)

lame


----------



## gabi (Apr 7, 2011)

> Subject: TOMORROW - SILENCE FOR CLIENT CONCALL PLEASE
> 
> Hi Guys
> 
> ...



Cunt off cunt.

*turns up the radio*


----------



## marty21 (Apr 7, 2011)

gabi said:


> Cunt off cunt.
> 
> *turns up the radio*


 

fart and belch at will


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Apr 7, 2011)

What you want to do is keep quiet until the last minute, and then shout "OI DAVE! ARE YOU STILL ON THE PHONE WITH THAT FUSSY CUNT?"


----------



## joustmaster (Apr 7, 2011)

FridgeMagnet said:


> What you want to do is keep quiet until the last minute, and then shout "OI DAVE! ARE YOU STILL ON THE PHONE WITH THAT FUSSY CUNT?"


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Apr 7, 2011)

gabi said:


> Cunt off cunt.
> 
> *turns up the radio*


 
The customer is always right, be quiet.



marty21 said:


> fart and belch at will


 
Public sector worker.



FridgeMagnet said:


> What you want to do is keep quiet until the last minute, and then shout "OI DAVE! ARE YOU STILL ON THE PHONE WITH THAT FUSSY CUNT?"


 
That's the fucking spirit.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Apr 12, 2011)

> From: 	Bill
> To:	Group IS (All Staff)
> Subject:	 A request from one of your workmates
> Importance:	Low
> ...



Which on its own is mildly amusing, more amusing is this email sent out the next day



> From: 	my boss
> To:	people
> Subject:	Re: A request from one of your workmates
> 
> ...


----------



## mrs quoad (May 16, 2011)

> Dear Readers,
> 
> A number of students are bringing food into the Library insisting that they are not going to eat it in the Library.* That is not the point. *Particularly at this time of year we are prone to ants and other insects.* I don’t want to cordon off desks in the Library while I call out pest control (as I have had to do many times).* Please be considerate to each other – in the warmth of the Library food smells and attracts insects and wasps.* I do not want to store food for you in the Library Office because when we have the window open for fresh air we have to fight off the wasps.
> 
> ...



Librarian stereotypes ftw


----------



## kabbes (May 17, 2011)

The librarian needs to institute a policy of strip-search on entry to the library.  Or possibly invest in one of those naked airport scanners.


----------



## Idris2002 (May 19, 2011)

gabi said:


> Cunt off cunt.
> 
> *turns up the radio*


 
When I had a telephone interview for a job at Wellington, someone started drilling holes in the next room. Must have been one of gabi's relatives.


----------



## rubbershoes (May 19, 2011)

> As you know the world will end in a couple of days
> 
> http://www.may-212011.com/
> 
> ...



even at this time we're under pressure to bill more


----------



## marty21 (May 19, 2011)

rubbershoes said:


> even at this time we're under pressure to bill more


 
that is shocking! 
















Finance department making a joke!


----------



## strung out (May 23, 2011)

this one's from my friend's work toilets (she works for BT)


----------



## Me76 (May 24, 2011)

strung out said:


> this one's from my friend's work toilets (she works for BT)


 
Bloody hell. That is seriously anal!


----------



## kabbes (May 24, 2011)

```
[u]| B     G [/u]|
Karen                         | x     x |
Name beginning with C         | x       |
```

To complete the matrix, they need somebody with initials CG.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 25, 2011)

strung out said:


> this one's from my friend's work toilets (she works for BT)


 
How does one get to join the nailbrush rota?


----------



## killer b (May 25, 2011)

that's fucking incredible. 

how can you write such a document with a straight face?


----------



## strung out (May 25, 2011)

there are more...

can't beat a good sign in comic sans...











and the handwash in question...


----------



## Corax (May 25, 2011)

You should kidnap the handwash and leave a ransom note.


----------



## Termite Man (May 28, 2011)

Corax said:


> You should kidnap the handwash and leave a ransom note.


 

unscrew the top and piss in it would be better.


----------



## stuff_it (May 28, 2011)

Corax said:


> You should kidnap the handwash and leave a ransom note.


 
This!!!


----------



## The Boy (May 28, 2011)

Corax said:


> You should kidnap the handwash and leave a ransom note.


 
Thirded.


----------



## Open Sauce (Jun 6, 2011)

New to the office, spotted this posted in one of the kitchens, I suspect all is not well 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...lped-colleagues-biscuits-sentenced-theft.html



> Working the night shift in a call centre, Michael Campbell thought no one would mind if he helped himself to a biscuit tin in the office.
> 
> However, the £7 Marks & Spencer selection box belonged to colleague Pamela Harrison, who on returning to work the following day realised her shortbreads had been swiped.
> 
> ...


----------



## TruXta (Jun 7, 2011)

Open Sauce said:


> New to the office, spotted this posted in one of the kitchens, I suspect all is not well
> 
> http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...lped-colleagues-biscuits-sentenced-theft.html


 
Run for the fucking hills. OR, bring your own damned biccies.


----------



## marty21 (Jun 7, 2011)

Open Sauce said:


> New to the office, spotted this posted in one of the kitchens, I suspect all is not well
> 
> http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...lped-colleagues-biscuits-sentenced-theft.html


 
cheesus! what a work mate to report that!


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jun 7, 2011)

marty21 said:


> cheesus! what a work mate to report that!


 
Absolutely! Don't you just laugh and say "Oh, don't worry about it". I mean it's just biscuits ffs.


----------



## Badgers (Jun 7, 2011)

Open Sauce said:


> New to the office, spotted this posted in one of the kitchens, I suspect all is not well
> 
> http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...lped-colleagues-biscuits-sentenced-theft.html


 
That is possibly the worst 'scolding' we have seen to date!! 

What I want to know is how many biscuits were in the £7 Marks & Spencer selection box? 
If there was only 20 biscuits then the theft was a shocking 35p per shortbread. 

I bet she is hated in her work now


----------



## Mumbles274 (Jun 7, 2011)

and daren't leave biscuits anywhere (soggy biscuits they will be)


----------



## stuff_it (Jun 7, 2011)

QueenOfGoths said:


> Absolutely! Don't you just laugh and say "Oh, don't worry about it". I mean it's just biscuits ffs.


 
They're not just biscuits, though....they were... etc


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jun 7, 2011)

stuff_it said:


> They're not just biscuits, though....they were... etc


 
Lol 

Someone once accidently ate a sandwich of mine that they took out of the fridge. She was mortified when she realised and offered me hers as a replacement (she'd picked the wrong one up). I felt more sorry for her as mine was a 99p Tescos egg and tomato sarnie and hers was a £2.99 Pret a manger Egg, Watercress and something


----------



## Open Sauce (Jun 7, 2011)

Badgers said:


> That is possibly the worst 'scolding' we have seen to date!!
> 
> What I want to know is how many biscuits were in the £7 Marks & Spencer selection box?
> If there was only 20 biscuits then the theft was a shocking 35p per shortbread.
> ...


 
Sounds like the sort that doesn't care



> However, the £7 Marks & Spencer selection box belonged to colleague *Pamela Harrison*, who on returning to work the following day realised her shortbreads had been swiped.
> 
> Campbell, who was sacked after the incident at *Convergys *call centre



http://uk.linkedin.com/pub/pamela-harrison/27/b99/880

Pamela Harrison, Manager at Convergys, Outsourcing/Offshoring


----------



## Geri (Jun 7, 2011)

I had to send a scolding e-mail to my colleague asking her to stop sellotaping food to her desk for the cleaner.


----------



## killer b (Jun 7, 2011)

i think you may need to expand a little.


----------



## stuff_it (Jun 7, 2011)

Geri said:


> I had to send a scolding e-mail to my colleague asking her to stop sellotaping food to her desk for the cleaner.


 
Superglue works far better....


----------



## janeb (Jun 7, 2011)

Open Sauce said:


> Sounds like the sort that doesn't care
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Shit, I just clicked on that link and I have 1 connection to her apparently.  Would need to actually pay something to find our what / who so it'll always be a mystery, but even so *weeps*


----------



## stuff_it (Jun 8, 2011)

Mine said that too, it' what they always say so that you have to pay to find out it's noone.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jun 8, 2011)

There's a sign in the kitchen here that uses 300+ words to say, in essese, "don't fill your water bottle from this tap". I'm not going to post a pic as it's _stultifying_ so you'll just have to trust me.


----------



## Pingu (Jun 8, 2011)

LOL

i did our helath and safety policy for homeworkers the otehr day and the polish office have decided that its some sort of competition now  - this was sent to employees of the Polish bit (cant fault their english mind you):-

"Homeworkers should refrain from eating at their desks and excess consumption of achohol during work hours is not permitted"


I am liking the use of the word excess tbh


----------



## Geri (Jun 8, 2011)

killer b said:


> i think you may need to expand a little.


 
Well, first it was a Kit-kat sellotaped to the middle of her desk with a note on it "To Marineusa". After two days I took it off and put it in her tray, didn't say anything to her as I thought it was a one-off. Then a few weeks later she sellotaped a manky banana to the desk, so I thought I had better nip it in the bud. I told her it was fine to leave her gifts, just not to sellotape them to the desk.


----------



## teuchter (Jun 8, 2011)

Geri said:


> Well, first it was a Kit-kat sellotaped to the middle of her desk with a note on it "To Marineusa". After two days I took it off and put it in her tray, didn't say anything to her as I thought it was a one-off. Then a few weeks later she sellotaped a manky banana to the desk, so I thought I had better nip it in the bud. I told her it was fine to leave her gifts, *just not to sellotape them to the desk*.


 
Why not?


----------



## Badgers (Jun 13, 2011)

Organic Scolding:


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jun 13, 2011)

I can't help feeling that should be in landscape.


----------



## Corax (Jun 13, 2011)

It should be in Comic Sans too.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jun 13, 2011)

With a babybel sellotaped to it.


----------



## strung out (Jun 13, 2011)

5t3IIa said:


> I can't help feeling that should be in landscape.


----------



## marty21 (Jun 13, 2011)

strung out said:


>


 
Lols


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jun 13, 2011)

Lols x2


----------



## Badgers (Jun 13, 2011)

Heh


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jun 13, 2011)

Schmetterling said:


> Can you go over and sneeze into his bin everytime?



Still enjoying this bit v much


----------



## Idris2002 (Jul 6, 2011)




----------



## DownwardDog (Jul 8, 2011)

Idris2002 said:


> View attachment 16192


 
Given that the poster is actually relevant - Ты Записался добровольцем? - Are you enrolled as a volunteer? - it's not quite as despicable as the rest of the petty bullshit on this thread.


----------



## hiccup (Jul 8, 2011)

From my girlfriend's place of work:



> Remember: the toilets are checked daily by the cleaners, but each toilet should have a toilet brush should it be needed.  If you are ill with diarrhoea and vomiting, you need to go home.


----------



## Idris2002 (Jul 8, 2011)

DownwardDog said:


> Given that the poster is actually relevant - Ты Записался добровольцем? - Are you enrolled as a volunteer? - it's not quite as despicable as the rest of the petty bullshit on this thread.


 
I think the people who put it up work on post-Soviet Central Asia. I think all of us who use the kitchen should consider ourselves volunteers.

Shall I post a pic of the sinkful of manky dishes?


----------



## Mr Blob (Jul 10, 2011)

The worst e-mails sent all staff are 'who has taken my mug from the staffroom sink'


----------



## colacubes (Jul 13, 2011)

Oh God.  I just had to send one of these *kills self*



> I've just done a bit of a mass tidy up of glasses, mugs and jugs from the empty desks and shelves in the area.  I wondered whether we could all be a bit more vigilant at washing up/taking out to the kitchen at the end of the day.  It wasn't very pleasant picking up 3 mugs at once and discovering I'd just popped my finger in a load of mould.  I thought I'd left that sort of thing behind when I moved out of my student flat 10 years ago!!
> 
> Not pointing the finger at anyone in particular.  Frankly, at least 50% of them were mine so it's more an aide memoire!



Note the use of the double exclamation mark!! I hate myself


----------



## Badgers (Jul 13, 2011)

nipsla said:


> Oh God.  I just had to send one of these *kills self*
> 
> 
> 
> Note the use of the double exclamation mark!! I hate myself



Somewhere on another forum you are being mocked. 




Here as well


----------



## colacubes (Jul 13, 2011)

Badgers said:


> Somewhere on another forum you are being mocked.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
I deserve to be ridiculed


----------



## Corax (Jul 13, 2011)

Some wanker at work sent this round today:



> I've just done a bit of a mass tidy up of glasses, mugs and jugs from the empty desks and shelves in the area. I wondered whether we could all be a bit more vigilant at washing up/taking out to the kitchen at the end of the day. It wasn't very pleasant picking up 3 mugs at once and discovering I'd just popped my finger in a load of mould. I thought I'd left that sort of thing behind when I moved out of my student flat 10 years ago!!
> 
> Not pointing the finger at anyone in particular. Frankly, at least 50% of them were mine so it's more an aide memoire!



We all hated them anyway, so this just adds to it.


----------



## quimcunx (Jul 13, 2011)




----------



## 8115 (Jul 13, 2011)

Needs more exclamation marks in my opinion.


----------



## colacubes (Jul 13, 2011)

Corax said:


> Some wanker at work sent this round today:
> 
> 
> 
> We all hated them anyway, so this just adds to it.


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Jul 13, 2011)

This thread always delivers!


----------



## Termite Man (Jul 19, 2011)

> Not pointing the finger at anyone in particular



do you mean the mouldy finger or just a finger in general?


----------



## laptop (Jul 20, 2011)

> Dear Colleagues,
> 
> Please be aware we are currently experiencing Internet  performance issues from within [corporation], this is due to the high number of people currently streaming the Murdock phone hacking enquiry live on line. Unless you have a business need to watch this content could you please close this media stream to alleviate the congestion on our main internet connection.
> 
> ...


----------



## marty21 (Jul 20, 2011)

nipsla said:


> Oh God.  I just had to send one of these *kills self*
> 
> 
> 
> Note the use of the double exclamation mark!! I hate myself



I think they will all end up dumping all their mugs and glasses on your desk


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 4, 2011)

I want to send one to everybody about the fucking twat who a) walks off and leaves the photocopier jammed without telling anybody, b) overfills the shredder so when the bag is removed paper bits go everywhere or c) does both. 

I did stick up a sign about leaving the plastic cables from the paper boxes on the floor. Damned near caught my foot in one and fell over. Ten feet to the bin is obviously too far.

No more errant plastic cables though


----------



## StoneRoad (Aug 4, 2011)

my pet 'copiers hates (after the t**t who leaves a jam) are the ones who changes trays - or uses the last peice of A4.....

also rated as high hates are paper jams left for the next user of the plan printer (and leaving the 'out of paper' when the new rolls are just behind you.....

There have been a few times when I've sent round a 'proper rant' on this. 

It was far worse at one place, many years ago, the rented main 'copier was only to be opened by 'key / trained operators' who were like hen's teeth at times ! (just as well as it had a heated section capable of inflicting a nasty burn on the unwary)


----------



## Corax (Aug 4, 2011)

equationgirl said:


> I did stick up a sign about leaving the plastic cables from the paper boxes on the floor. Damned near caught my foot in one and fell over. Ten feet to the bin is obviously too far.
> 
> No more errant plastic cables though


 
What a ridiculous way to react. 

The _correct_ response would have been to wail loudly, take 6 months off with sprained ankle and stress, and sue them for PTSD.


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 7, 2011)

Corax said:


> What a ridiculous way to react.
> 
> The _correct_ response would have been to wail loudly, take 6 months off with sprained ankle and stress, and sue them for PTSD.



I'll bear the appropriate course of action in mind for future transgressions.
In an office full of engineers, how many does it take the fix the photocopier?
Answer: 6 to stand around watching the woman engineer fix it. Muppets.


----------



## Corax (Aug 7, 2011)

Photocopiers are the new ironing.


----------



## ringo (Aug 10, 2011)

Email subject: "Information and Action: 1st Response to Riots"

Message:
"Findings of EMT (Emergency Management Team) meeting to discuss the business's first response to the riots.

The decision has been made not to post/send any pro-active communication to staff and externals for the time being.

EMT are going to monitor the outcome of the COBRA meeting and will make a decision about further communication later today/tomorrow."


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 10, 2011)

We send you this email to tell you we won't be sending you any emails


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 10, 2011)

5t3IIa said:


> We send you this email to tell you we won't be sending you any emails



Ace


----------



## mrs quoad (Aug 17, 2011)

> Dear all,
> 
> I am sorry for bothering you on this occasion but may I remind everyone that newspapers must not be taken out of the Middle Combination Room. It is quite annoying when for example The Economist disappears every week despite now even being labelled with reminders on its cover. If this trend continues, it would be sad but necessary to think about a more restrictive policy.



Chained magazine library


----------



## AverageJoe (Aug 17, 2011)

Middle. Combination. Room.


----------



## Badgers (Aug 17, 2011)

Armed guard or manned CCTV protecting the papers is the only way


----------



## mrs quoad (Aug 17, 2011)

AverageJoe said:


> Middle. Combination. Room.


People need it as a refuge from gyp bops, bedders and bulldogs


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 17, 2011)

Put the Economist back, qoad


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Aug 17, 2011)

Imagine the effect on the country if that sort of highbrow publication were suddenly inaccessible in the ivory towers!


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 18, 2011)

I dread to think of the result....


----------



## mrs quoad (Aug 18, 2011)

FridgeMagnet said:


> Imagine the effect on the country if that sort of highbrow publication were suddenly inaccessible in the ivory towers!


One of the colleges has an Ivory Tower Society, as it happens.


----------



## rubbershoes (Aug 21, 2011)

mrs quoad said:


> One of the colleges has an Ivory Tower Society, as it happens.


 
 is membership retricted to grade A twats


----------



## strung out (Aug 21, 2011)

we got an e-mail sent round the whole building on thursday (a few hundred people) asking if anyone had left their change in the chocolate machine and that they could pick it up from tracy's desk. given that the chocolate machine costs 60p and takes pound coins as the largest denomination, i struggle to see why anyone would fucking bother with an email over 40p. i'd just stick it back in for another bar.


----------



## Mumbles274 (Aug 22, 2011)

We got a 12 point 'Survival guide' for managing Emails today... included gems such as

'Most emails are generated by people replying to *your *email or from subscriptions'

no shit Sherlock


----------



## Part 2 (Aug 24, 2011)

strung out said:


> given that the chocolate machine costs 60p and takes pound coins as the largest denomination, i struggle to see why anyone would fucking bother with an email over 40p. i'd just stick it back in for another bar.



maths fail


----------



## strung out (Aug 24, 2011)

how is that a maths fail? i'd stick the 40p in for another bar, adding 20p of my own obviously. or just pocket the 40p of course.


----------



## Part 2 (Aug 24, 2011)

So now you say you've got another 20p!


----------



## mrs quoad (Aug 25, 2011)

rubbershoes said:


> is membership retricted to grade A twats


Grade A* twats, mostly.

(I've got a good friend involved in applications for one of the courses here. They had 1 (one) person accepted on Cambridge's Access Support Scheme (i.e., aimed at people who are not in top-end private schools, aimed at recognising raw potential rather than fully-trained boot camped private school kids). They failed to get a full row of A*s at A-level. They've been refused a place. So there's NO-ONE from the access support scheme on that particular course next year.)


----------



## Termite Man (Aug 29, 2011)

mrs quoad said:


> Grade A* twats, mostly.
> 
> (I've got a good friend involved in applications for one of the courses here. They had 1 (one) person accepted on Cambridge's Access Support Scheme (i.e., aimed at people who are not in top-end private schools, aimed at recognising raw potential rather than fully-trained boot camped private school kids). They failed to get a full row of A*s at A-level. They've been refused a place. So there's NO-ONE from the access support scheme on that particular course next year.)


 
The exam to be a twat is getting easier each year though


----------



## Badgers (Aug 30, 2011)

One from David Thorne

http://27bslash6.com/cups.html



> *From:* Shannon
> *Date:* Monday 17 August 2009 10.12am
> *To:* Staff
> *Subject:* Coffee cups
> ...


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Aug 31, 2011)

_Although all in favour of flavour, avoid the overly aromatic.... Please refrain from eating smelly food at your desk - think of your colleagues who may not find the aroma pleasant._

_Thank you._


----------



## Badgers (Aug 31, 2011)

I think you should reply asking how they are defining 'smelly' as it is not specific really.

Cheese and onion sandwich?
Big Mac?
Poached swordfish in a garlic and stilton sauce?


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Aug 31, 2011)

it is quite non-specific isn't it? i think i might seek clarity.


----------



## Badgers (Aug 31, 2011)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> it is quite non-specific isn't it? i think i might seek clarity.



Keep us in the loop and use the David Thorne method if possible


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Aug 31, 2011)

Badgers said:


> Keep us in the loop and use the David Thorne method if possible



*This domain is blocked.*

Site blocked. 27bslash6.com is not allowed on this network.


----------



## quimcunx (Aug 31, 2011)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> it is quite non-specific isn't it? i think i might seek clarity.


 
Offer to undertake some research for them by bringing in a variety of foods to check the complaint rate.


----------



## Me76 (Aug 31, 2011)

David Thorne deserves a medal.


----------



## Corax (Aug 31, 2011)

Point out that food smells help to mask the odour of colleagues with poor personal hygiene.


----------



## Badgers (Aug 31, 2011)

Where does the office stand regarding the Scampi Fry for example?


----------



## Part 2 (Aug 31, 2011)

That David Thorne site is brilliant. I expect to be wasting loads of time this evening.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Sep 1, 2011)

http://www.helpmesellmorebooksthanjustinbieber.com/head.html



> From: Simon Dempsey
> Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 12.37pm
> To: David Thorne
> Subject: No Subject
> ...









Obviously it isn't real before some killjoy points this out.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 1, 2011)

Today's delight:

_To: All staff_
_From: Person in charge of sending 'All staff' emails_

_Subject: Lost lighter_

_A lighter was found in the smoking area. To claim it contact XXXXX._

This was sent to everyone on site, around 850 people. All I can say is that it must be a really nice lighter. I feel sorry for the person who has to send these emails out, because (obviously) the 'all staff' email can't be used by everone.


----------



## Schmetterling (Sep 1, 2011)

equationgirl said:


> Today's delight:
> 
> _To: All staff_
> _From: Person in charge of sending 'All staff' emails_
> ...


You know it is an organge plastic scrapy noisy wheel crap of a lighter; don't you?


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Sep 1, 2011)

_Could we have some clarity of what constitutes smelly food please? Does this, for example, encompass all hot foodstuffs, which by their very nature are likely to give off some aroma? Are cheese and oinion sandwiches barred, they're certainly smelly?_

what reply do i get? nothing!!! _
_


----------



## Badgers (Sep 1, 2011)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> _Could we have some clarity of what constitutes smelly food please? Does this, for example, encompass all hot foodstuffs, which by their very nature are likely to give off some aroma? Are cheese and oinion sandwiches barred, they're certainly smelly?_
> 
> what reply do i get? nothing!!! _
> _



They probably have a focus group looking into it.


----------



## Corax (Sep 1, 2011)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> _Could we have some clarity of what constitutes smelly food please? Does this, for example, encompass all hot foodstuffs, which by their very nature are likely to give off some aroma? Are cheese and oinion sandwiches barred, they're certainly smelly?_
> 
> what reply do i get? nothing!!!


Put together a matrix with the two axes being smelliness and convenience. You can then place different foodstuffs on it to determine the optimum office food. Here you go, I've started it for you. Ask for their help in completing it.


----------



## stuff_it (Sep 1, 2011)

equationgirl said:


> Today's delight:
> 
> _To: All staff_
> _From: Person in charge of sending 'All staff' emails_
> ...


Why obviously? Last place I worked with a big office I could have emailed every member of staff in the country should I have wished to.

And WTF 'Dolphin Burger'? That wouldn't fit in the fridge.


----------



## Paulie Tandoori (Sep 1, 2011)

Badgers said:


> They probably have a focus group looking into it.


i'll give them something to focus on!!!


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 1, 2011)

stuff_it said:


> Why obviously? Last place I worked with a big office I could have emailed every member of staff in the country should I have wished to.



Most people in the office are forbidden/prohibited from using the 'All site users' at our site. I suspect there has been many Longcat transgressions in the past, resulting in IT taking a firm stance.

I do wish I wasn't on the 'All UK users' list (5000+ staff) though, it's always company propaganda about the cycle2work scheme or the salary-sacrifice scheme for cars, neither or which I have any interest in.


----------



## kabbes (Sep 2, 2011)

Tools --> rules --> automatically send messages to "all staff" to dustbin.


----------



## strung out (Sep 2, 2011)

> Dear All
> 
> It has been noticed that the milk has been disappearing at a rather faster rate than normal. Can we remind everyone that milk is provided by *company name* for the use of drinks ONLY, and not for bowls of cereal in the morning. Further abuse of this priviledge could see the removal of provision of milk for everyone.



i might go and fill up a pint glass with milk and drink it at my desk


----------



## Corax (Sep 2, 2011)

strung out said:


> i might go and fill up a pint glass with milk and drink it at my desk


That could potentially be regulated against - "only for use in tea and coffee" or something.

However, you could start having *very* milky coffee.


----------



## strung out (Sep 2, 2011)

i don't drink tea or coffee. i might claim i'm being discriminated against and claim for pay in lieu of milk not used.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 2, 2011)

kabbes said:


> Tools --> rules --> automatically send messages to "all staff" to dustbin.


I use the rules function to segregate the demanding emails from my boss  - I find my blood pressure is much lower that way. Will sort out a new rule on Monday for the all staff stuff. Thanks for reminder


----------



## Badgers (Sep 6, 2011)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-14788620


----------



## Badgers (Sep 16, 2011)

Paulie Tandoori said:


> _Could we have some clarity of what constitutes smelly food please? Does this, for example, encompass all hot foodstuffs, which by their very nature are likely to give off some aroma? Are cheese and oinion sandwiches barred, they're certainly smelly?_
> 
> *what reply do i get? nothing!!!*


----------



## kabbes (Nov 1, 2011)

OK, bit of a slow-burner this one, but it is absolutely fucking hilarious once you see what is happening and start to read between the lines. Stick with it, I promise it's worth it if you are a connoiseur of these things

Disciplinary tribunal panel determination

****
That the respondent:​1. Being at the material times a Student member of the Institute of Actuaries, he:​1.1. Prior to leaving the employment of Alexander Forbes in April 2010, following a restructuring and redundancy exercise, acted in a manner contrary to the principles and ethical standards expected of a member of the Institute of Actuaries, in that he:​1.1.1 tampered with one of Alexander Forbes‘ calculation models, the ‘Roll Forward Model’, by deliberately entering inappropriate formulae and irrelevant information;​1.1.2 deliberately made entries of an inappropriate and unprofessional nature on the Alexander Forbes time recording system;​1.1.3 created on his work computer and left at his place of work documentation and correspondence, the content of which was inappropriate and unprofessional;​1.1.4 such conduct in each and all of the above falling short of the standards required by Principle 1 of the Actuaries’ Code (version 1.0); and in any event, constituting Misconduct in terms of Rule 1.6 of the Disciplinary Scheme of the Institute of Actuaries (effective 1 July 2009), being conduct falling below the standards of behaviour, integrity, competence, or professional judgement which other members or the public might reasonably expect of a Member, having regard to any advice, guidance, memorandum or statement on professional conduct, practice or duties which may be given and published by the Institute and/or, for so long as there is a relevant Memorandum of Understanding in force, by the Board for Actuarial Standards and to all other relevant circumstances.​
*The hearing*​The Respondent was present and represented by Mr Peter Cadman of Russell-Cooke Solicitors. The Institute was represented by Ms Laura Ryan of Kingsley Napley LLP.​The facts of the case were not in dispute. The Respondent admitted the facts as alleged above and admitted that the facts alleged in paragraph 1.1.1 above amounted to Misconduct. With regards to the allegations in paragraphs 1.1.2 and 1.1.3 above the Respondent did not dispute the facts but disputed whether the facts amounted to Misconduct.​
*Determination*​The Panel found Misconduct in relation to paragraph 1.1.1 above, as admitted by the Respondent. With regards to paragraphs 1.1.2 and 1.1.3 above the Panel found that the charge of Misconduct had not been proven against the Respondent and dismissed the charges accordingly.​Having determined that paragraph 1.1.1 amounted to Misconduct the Panel imposed the following sanction:​>> a reprimand.​
*Reasons*​The Panel considered the evidence and submissions made by both parties.  The Panel also noted that all the facts were admitted by the Respondent and that it  was admitted that the charge under 1.1.1 did constitute Misconduct.​The Panel therefore considered only whether the charges under 1.1.2 and 1.1.3 constituted misconduct. The Panel concluded that charge 1.1.2 did not amount to misconduct.​Charge 1.1.3 covered the creation of four documents by the Respondent. The Panel concluded that in relation to three of those documents, being the template resignation letter, the email to three members of staff, and the ‘Problems with AC’ document, their creation and disposition did not constitute Misconduct.​The Panel concluded that the creation of the final document, being the ‘Streams of Consciousness’ document, did not constitute misconduct. The Panel was not satisfied that the Respondent intended, nor could have foreseen, that the document would be read by others and cause the distress that it did. The Panel therefore concluded that the creation of the document alone and its subsequent discovery by a search of the Respondent’s sent emails did not amount to misconduct and therefore, by majority, that the charge under 1.1.3 did not amount to misconduct in relation to any of the documents.​
*Costs*​An application for costs was made by the Institute. The Panel determined that it would not enforce a contribution towards costs upon the Respondent given all the circumstances of the case. ​
***


----------



## Badgers (Nov 3, 2011)

> The Panel concluded that the creation of the final document, being the ‘Streams of Consciousness’ document


 
Heh


----------



## kabbes (Nov 3, 2011)

Tells a story, doesn't it?


----------



## Badgers (Nov 3, 2011)

kabbes said:


> Tells a story, doesn't it?



Liking the careful legal 'tiptoeing' going on


----------



## teuchter (Nov 3, 2011)

This is challenging all preconceptions of life in an actuary's office.


----------



## strung out (Nov 4, 2011)

RE: 1st floor gents

To: Bristol office

______________

Dear Chaps

I have just been to the gents' lavatory on the 1st floor and had to discover a smudge of faeces (for those unfamiliar with the term: this means poo) on the toilet seat of one of the toilets (situated in the left hand cubicle). I find this sort of occurrence extremely unpleasant and I would guess most of my fellow XY-chromosome bearers would, too. I am aware that there appear to be colleagues who have no idea what the brush provided in the cubicles is for (FYI, it is for brushing away the brown marks left in the bowl after 'a squidgy one') - you guys must be lucky enough to be living at home still with mummy mopping up after you or you have extremely tolerant partners/spouses. While that is bad enough, and I would urge anyone to make use of the brushes as they are not just intended for the cleaners to use, I find faeces on the toilet seat utterly unacceptable.

So let's start November with a resolution - no poo on toilet seats, please!

Kind regards
XXXXX


----------



## strung out (Nov 4, 2011)

RE: 1st floor Gents - AGAIN! 

To: Bristol office 

Dear Chaps (yet again!)

I can scarcely believe I am writing this, as I would have imagined the below would be fairly obvious following my recent message.

What I said then about faeces equally applies to urine (again, if you are unfamiliar with the term: this means wee). In what way do you believe it is acceptable to leave puddles of wee on the toilet seat after you have done your business? How did it get there in the first place? If you were standing up (shame on you in any event), the toilet seat should have been up, too; if you were sitting down, then how on earth did you manage to drizzle your wee on the seat at all? Is there someone in the office who would perhaps benefit from a refresher course in potty training?! And if, having taken all reasonable precautions, you have had a little accident -WIPE THE SEAT CLEAN, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!! The person who left their wee on the toilet seat in the left hand cubicle might want to go in there and clean up after themselves.

In conclusion, please observe the customary rules of toilet etiquette as applied in civilised societies around the world, it really is very simple indeed! That, while I am on the subject, includes washing your hands (those who don not do this, you know who you are!) after a visit to the gents, no matter if you have done a number 1 or a number 2!

Kind regards
XXXXX


----------



## strung out (Nov 4, 2011)

Those were sent Tuesday and today


----------



## Badgers (Nov 4, 2011)

strung out said:


> I find this sort of occurrence extremely unpleasant and I would guess most of my fellow XY-chromosome bearers would, too. I am aware that there appear to be colleagues who have no idea what the brush provided in the cubicles is for (FYI, it is for brushing away the brown marks left in the bowl after 'a squidgy one') - you guys must be lucky enough to be living at home still with mummy mopping up after you or you have extremely tolerant partners/spouses. While that is bad enough, and I would urge anyone to make use of the brushes as they are not just intended for the cleaners to use, I find faeces on the toilet seat utterly unacceptable.





He sounds like a petty, petty man


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Nov 4, 2011)

"So let's start November with a resolution - no poo on toilet seats, please!"

I shall certainly be adopting that as my November mantra!


----------



## strung out (Nov 4, 2011)

Badgers said:


> He sounds like a petty, petty man


He's German


----------



## Badgers (Nov 4, 2011)

strung out said:


> Those were sent Tuesday and today



I shudder to think what Monday will bring


----------



## teuchter (Nov 4, 2011)

He seems to be suggesting that the toilet brush should be used to clean the seat, which he should perhaps clarify somewhat.


----------



## teuchter (Nov 4, 2011)

Badgers said:


> He sounds like a petty, petty man



Do _you_ have an extremely tolerant partner/spouse Badgers?


----------



## quimcunx (Nov 4, 2011)

Can we have a show of hands of who does find faeces on the toilet seat acceptable?

Just to get a rough idea what the split is.


----------



## Schmetterling (Nov 4, 2011)

strung out said:


> RE: 1st floor gents
> 
> To: Bristol office
> 
> ...





strung out said:


> RE: 1st floor Gents - AGAIN!
> 
> To: Bristol office
> 
> ...





strung out said:


> He's German


1. PMT or not: I would actively hover at 30 degrees to ensure I was leaving skid marks on the side after reading that.
2. The use of the fey 'wee' and 'poo' made me think it was written by a woman.
3. I am a woman so no bitching about Nr 2 (pun intended) please.
3. Of course, the writer being German explains a lot.
4. I am German so no bitching about Nr 3 either.


----------



## Corax (Nov 4, 2011)

Don't German toilets have a special little shelf so you can examine your waste after you've excreted it?  Or is that a myth?


----------



## Schmetterling (Nov 4, 2011)

Corax said:


> Don't German toilets have a special little shelf so you can examine your waste after you've excreted it? Or is that a myth?


No; it's not though some people now use the whachamacallit down-
the-hole-in-one style toilets.

I prefer the shelf type because a) no splashage up the arse, b) I like to proudly see what I have done (there is no greater bonding tool between your 11-year-old friend and you than showing and 'awing' over ones fuse!), and c) it's actually quite good to keep any eye on one's dump for any signs of blood/general state of it.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 4, 2011)

teuchter said:


> Do _you_ have an extremely tolerant partner/spouse Badgers?



It was more his choice of wording that lead me to believe he may be petty. Despite what you read me about me or saw in court I do not think that shit on a seat is a positive thing.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 4, 2011)

Badgers said:


> It was more his choice of wording that lead me to believe he may be petty. Despite what you read me about me or *saw in court* I do not think that shit on a seat is a positive thing.



Why were you in court? Hmmm?


----------



## Badgers (Nov 4, 2011)

equationgirl said:


> Why were you in court? Hmmm?



A minor faecal misunderstanding


----------



## Corax (Nov 4, 2011)

Next of Five: _When Scat Goes Wrong_


----------



## kabbes (Nov 4, 2011)

I approved of those toilet emails.  Good for him.


----------



## strung out (Nov 4, 2011)

I agree, the toilets were foul today. 

For a native German, the guy has an astounding grasp of the English language too. I thought he was some toff when I first met him.


----------



## strung out (Nov 4, 2011)

Also, I'll never forget the time he got incredibly angry at someone for using the word mutuality in an e-mail rather than reciprocity. I think he called them barbarians.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Nov 4, 2011)

strung out said:


> Also, I'll never forget the time he got incredibly angry when someone used the word mutuality in an e-mail rather than reciprocity. I think he called them barbarians.


I like him.


----------



## Corax (Nov 4, 2011)

FridgeMagnet said:


> I like him.


This is how they start. Next, he'll have Polish people in his annex.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 4, 2011)

Badgers said:


> A minor faecal misunderstanding


----------



## grit (Nov 6, 2011)

Badgers said:


> He sounds like a petty, petty man



Really? I think he is spot on.


----------



## strung out (Nov 6, 2011)

one of the ladies who works on the 2nd floor replied to him, asking him whether there was any need to be sending quite such a graphic email around the whole office. i think he replied asking her why she felt the need to open an email entitled '1st floor gents', and that if she really did have to, that she shouldn't be surprised by its contents.


----------



## grit (Nov 6, 2011)

strung out said:


> one of the ladies who works on the 2nd floor replied to him, asking him whether there was any need to be sending quite such a graphic email around the whole office. i think he replied asking her why she felt the need to open an email entitled '1st floor gents', and that if she really did have to, that she shouldn't be surprised by its contents.



I like him even more


----------



## Mumbles274 (Nov 8, 2011)

Invite him to urban


----------



## Mr_Nice (Nov 8, 2011)

*Drivers - parking and speeding on site*

Since the launch of the updated xxxx Site Safety Policy on 3 October 2011 we have been closely monitoring adherence. There continues to be a significant number of vehicles parked unsafely and the number of people still speeding is averaging *1,937 per day*! The site speed limit is 20 MPH and 10 MPH in the car parks.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 17, 2011)

Naughty speeding people!

I have to go across to our other building sometimes, and it quite annoying the number of drivers that don't even stop for the clearly marked pedestrian crossings. I've even had people toot their horns as I'm crossing!


----------



## strung out (Nov 17, 2011)

the toilets were blocked at work the other day, with some pretty unsavoury things floating in the very full bowls.

the german guy who sent round the e-mails about poo on toilet seats a while ago is getting very annoyed that he seems to now be the designated poo-ey toilet monitor and is getting informed by everyone who walks past his desk, that the toilets are blocked.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 18, 2011)

I predict a carefully worded email from him in the bexr, which expresses exactly why he is displeased with this.

ETA: I have no idea what I was trying to type when I typed 'bexr'. I think my brain rebooted whilst I was typing. It was late.


----------



## shaun balls (Nov 18, 2011)

> I hae lost a £500 worth Mont Blanc pen and a Rotring pen in a black leather pouch in the premises. Many thanks to whoever returns them to me. please contact me on Bleep number xxxxx


Complete fucking prong.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 18, 2011)

Definitely, shaun. I'm surprised he didn't go into details about the finish and colour myself.


----------



## Schmetterling (Nov 18, 2011)

strung out said:


> the toilets were blocked at work the other day, with some pretty unsavoury things floating in the very full bowls.
> 
> the german guy who sent round the e-mails about poo on toilet seats a while ago is getting very annoyed that he seems to now be the designated poo-ey toilet monitor and is getting informed by everyone who walks past his desk, that the toilets are blocked.



And he shall forever be known as German Poo Guy! Children speak for poo in German is A-a (short a, and a as in car - not made or cake).  You might want to spread that around ... 
And colloquial for loo/the pot is Lokus!


----------



## strung out (Nov 19, 2011)

i've been exchanging a few emails with him in german this week, so i'll try and slip those into conversation


----------



## moose (Nov 21, 2011)

Our caretaker was so appalled by the state of the toilets one morning (turd in the seat hinges! ) he took a photo and made A3 posters of it and stuck them in all the loos. Made for an interesting client visit that morning, till HR made him take them down.

It was followed up by a scolding email which also included the bins we recycle coffee cups in, implying the bloke went home covered in shit and coffee every day.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 21, 2011)

moose said:
			
		

> It was followed up by a scolding email which also included the bins we recycle coffee cups in, implying the bloke went home covered in shit and coffee every day.



Excellent


----------



## Roadkill (Nov 21, 2011)

For the first time ever, I've just sent one. At my place we have a common room with a fridge, tea and coffee-making facilities, and the like. In theory, everyone is supposed to wash up their own stuff. However, to quote my own email...



> I've washed up a tray-load of cups and spoons, some of which had clearly been there for a while and might delicately be described as 'crusty.' I've cleaned out the coffee machine filter, which had obviously been left for a good few days, as it was mouldy. Then I turned to the fridge. Whose that pot of cottage cheese in there was I don't know, but it was dated 24th October: it left of its own accord and I had to use a butterfly net and a shotgun to apprehend it and despatch it to its proper place in the dustbin.



As I pointed out, aside from being unhygienic, it doesn't really give a good impression to visitors or anyone else. I'm not normally one to go round bollocking colleagues, but really, how much effort does it take to wash up a bloody teacup?


----------



## Badgers (Nov 21, 2011)

How do you feel being immortalised among the scolders?


----------



## Corax (Nov 21, 2011)

You should have started it by saying "I don't want to be 'that guy' but..." and included an "O.M.G." in there somewhere.  Otherwise, a good effort.


----------



## TopCat (Nov 21, 2011)

I am so isolated at my work that I would have to send a scolding email to myself.

To self:

Do yourself a favour, get another job.


----------



## Corax (Nov 21, 2011)

TopCat said:


> I am so isolated at my work that I would have to send a scolding email to myself.
> 
> To self:
> 
> Do yourself a favour, get another job.


You could set a bit of future scolding up so that you can be more surprised about it.  http://www.futureme.org/


----------



## Roadkill (Nov 21, 2011)

Badgers said:


> How do you feel being immortalised among the scolders?



Well, I was quite proud of the 'butterfly net and shotgun' quip.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 24, 2011)

I felt the urge to send an email around today - and possibly make a sign.

Somebody decided to jam the shredder today, by putting too much paper through it. Instead of coming to get one of four people within 20 ft of the shredder who could have easily showed them which button to press to reverse the jam, they decided to try and fix it themselves by using a pen to try and force the paper into the shredding teeth. An admirable and groundbreaking idea apart from the fact that the top of the pen got stuck too. 

Their plan failing around them, they decided to cut their losses and run, leaving the mess for someone else (me) to clear up, not even emptying the full bin of shredded paper they'd kindly filled. I only had 5 sheets to shred.

It took two of us 20 minutes and an assortment of office objects (scissors, bent large paperclip, scredrivers) to retrieve the semi0mashed pen remnant.

And two people _really_ helped by asking me if I'd unplugged the shredder before I started surgery on it - I pointed out the trailing cable & plug connected to nothing as my answer. Although an electric shock would probably have improved my afternoon.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 24, 2011)

What type of pen?


----------



## teuchter (Nov 24, 2011)

Roadkill said:


> As I pointed out, aside from being unhygienic, it doesn't really give a good impression to visitors or anyone else. I'm not normally one to go round bollocking colleagues, but really, how much effort does it take to wash up a bloody teacup?



More effort than leaving it for someone else to wash up, and write an email about.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 25, 2011)




----------



## teuchter (Nov 25, 2011)

Is that the new Albert?


----------



## Badgers (Nov 25, 2011)

teuchter said:
			
		

> Is that the new Albert?



Shhhh. Trying to confuse threads


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 25, 2011)

Badgers said:


> What type of pen?



A cheap biro-type thing going by the post-removal forensic examination.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 30, 2011)

> Dear All,
> 
> I am extremely disappointed that I have to send this note to you all.
> 
> ...



To be honest, it's a perfectly reasonable email.  But I was excited to have something to share with the class.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 30, 2011)

I like the idea that board members (or "Board" members) are too important to have to cope with the dirty toilets the rest of us should be used to.


----------



## strung out (Nov 30, 2011)

Any speculation on culprits?


----------



## kabbes (Nov 30, 2011)

strung out said:


> Any speculation on culprits?


To be honest, I've not even noticed the toilets being a problem.  And I'm quite fussy about these things.  They always seem in a perfectly good state to me.

We have a cleaner that comes in at about 2pm, so it's not even like they have that much time to get dirty in.

A few years ago, we did have a mystery dirty protester.  But after one of our regular rounds of redundancies, that problem cleared up.  Since then, they've seemed fine.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 30, 2011)

kabbes said:


> A few years ago, we did have a mystery dirty protester. But after one of our regular rounds of redundancies, that problem cleared up. Since then, they've seemed fine.



The cuts work then?


----------



## kabbes (Nov 30, 2011)

Austerity shitting.


----------



## Corax (Nov 30, 2011)

I'm not clear on why the visiting board members would be embarrassed that other people had left skid marks.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 30, 2011)

Corax said:


> I'm not clear on why the visiting board members would be embarrassed that other people had left skid marks.


Because it would make it hard for them to distinguish their own skid marks.


----------



## Corax (Nov 30, 2011)

kabbes said:


> Because it would make it hard for them to distinguish their own skid marks.


If they're board members I'm sure their skid marks are already very distinguished.


----------



## gabi (Dec 7, 2011)

i just got serenaded by a homeless dude outside my office, bizarrely singing nirvana's heart-shaped box... at full pelt, was awesome, good choice of tune i thought. sadly this is the email in my inbox on my return from lunch...



> *Drug addicts opposite the building....*
> 
> Good afternoon
> 
> ...



 dicks


----------



## Badgers (Dec 7, 2011)

gabi said:


> i just got serenaded by a homeless dude outside my office, bizarrely singing nirvana's heart-shaped box... at full pelt, was awesome, good choice of tune i thought. sadly this is the email in my inbox on my return from lunch...
> 
> dicks



Mean


----------



## tim (Dec 7, 2011)

gabi said:


> i just got serenaded by a homeless dude outside my office, bizarrely singing nirvana's heart-shaped box... at full pelt, was awesome, good choice of tune i thought. sadly this is the email in my inbox on my return from lunch...
> 
> dicks



Try Sending an email suggesting that employees who are unable to use apostrophes correctly should be moved on.


----------



## Corax (Dec 7, 2011)

The shared unisex toilet is just round the corner from my desk in our small office. When someone leaves the door open I'm often assaulted by the overpowering floral smell of air freshener. I considered sending an email round, or perhaps just mentioning it to people, but decided a notice on the inside of the door would be more effective.


----------



## colacubes (Dec 7, 2011)

Corax said:


> The shared unisex toilet is just round the corner from my desk in our small office. When someone leaves the door open I'm often assaulted by the overpowering floral smell of air freshener. I considered sending an email round, or perhaps just mentioning it to people, but decided a notice on the inside of the door would be more effective.



Clip-art win


----------



## Crispy (Dec 7, 2011)

Why does the squirrel have a bum coming out of a bum for a face?


----------



## gabi (Dec 7, 2011)

theres also a widow/orphan failure there


----------



## Corax (Dec 7, 2011)

gabi said:


> theres also a widow/orphan failure there


A what now?


----------



## quimcunx (Dec 7, 2011)

kabbes said:


> To be honest, I've not even noticed the toilets being a problem. And I'm quite fussy about these things. They always seem in a perfectly good state to me.
> 
> We have a cleaner that comes in at about 2pm, so it's not even like they have that much time to get dirty in.
> 
> A few years ago, we did have a mystery dirty protester. But after one of our regular rounds of redundancies, that problem cleared up. Since then, they've seemed fine.



probably the women's loos causing the problem.    But then are there any female board members?


----------



## gabi (Dec 7, 2011)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Widows_and_orphans

sort it out


----------



## Corax (Dec 7, 2011)

gabi said:


> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Widows_and_orphans
> 
> sort it out


You're pulling me up for substandard _typesetting_?


----------



## marty21 (Dec 7, 2011)

Crispy said:


> Why does the squirrel have a bum coming out of a bum for a face?


he swallowed the last wrong un to leave the door open


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 7, 2011)

Corax said:


> You're pulling me up for substandard _typesetting_?


There's standards on these boards you know...we take typesetting very seriously.

Loving Algernon - can you make a series of signs featuring him? Plllllleeeeeeeaaaasssseeeeeeeeee?


----------



## strung out (Dec 7, 2011)

Algernon should be a mouse, not a squirrel


----------



## Corax (Dec 7, 2011)

strung out said:


> Algernon should be a mouse, not a squirrel


Why? And even if so, what on earth do you think Algernon is supposed to do to achieve that?

And - squirrelist.


----------



## Badgers (Dec 8, 2011)

Algernon has inspired me to post up some joke scolding posters in the shared office toilets.


----------



## stuff_it (Dec 8, 2011)

Crispy said:


> Why does the squirrel have a bum coming out of a bum for a face?


We heard you liked bums.....


----------



## gabi (Dec 8, 2011)

Corax said:


> You're pulling me up for substandard _typesetting_?



well, yes. i dont know how old you are, but when i was a young man i once almost got sacked over widows/orphans (and the resulting melee). take that as a warning.


----------



## kabbes (Dec 8, 2011)

strung out said:


> Algernon should be a mouse, not a squirrel


Just so long as he has some flowers.


----------



## strung out (Dec 8, 2011)

I luvd that littel fella


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 8, 2011)

Badgers said:


> Algernon has inspired me to post up some joke scolding posters in the shared office toilets.


Pictures or STFU.


----------



## Badgers (Dec 8, 2011)

equationgirl said:


> Pictures or STFU.



Patience now


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 8, 2011)

I got sent home from work, I don't have to be patient


----------



## Badgers (Dec 8, 2011)

equationgirl said:


> I got sent home from work, I don't have to be patient



The deed is done


----------



## Badgers (Dec 8, 2011)




----------



## Badgers (Dec 8, 2011)




----------



## Badgers (Dec 8, 2011)

Did the gents, women's and disabled then legged it


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 8, 2011)

Nice


----------



## Badgers (Dec 8, 2011)

It was a bit rushed


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 8, 2011)

Badgers said:


> It was a bit rushed


I loved the sanitisation seahorse 

I expect to see more of these...


----------



## kittyP (Dec 8, 2011)

kabbes said:


> Just so long as he has some flowers.



I initially thought that it was some odd ball reference to that book


----------



## Corax (Dec 8, 2011)

For Christmas, I would like to be the point of origin for a meme.


----------



## Badgers (Dec 8, 2011)

Twelve days of joke Christmas


----------



## strung out (Dec 8, 2011)

someone posted this on facebook today...


----------



## teuchter (Dec 9, 2011)

I would put one up questioning the capitalisation of "Lemonade Stand".


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 9, 2011)

teuchter said:


> I would put one up questioning the capitalisation of "Lemonade Stand".


and 'Company'.

Random capitalisation makes me 

But not as much as writing acronyms in lowercase (unless it's one that has become generally accepted like scuba or laser) - I've noticed the BBC has become quite bad for this recently.


----------



## teuchter (Dec 9, 2011)

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in the brains of the Random Capitalisers.

There are two levels though - those who randomly capitalise nouns only, and then those who will randomly capitalise any old word.


----------



## Yu_Gi_Oh (Dec 9, 2011)

I love it when people randomly capitalise, they must do it cos they think those words are extra important?  Entirely wrong, but quite sweet, and like a window into their heads.


----------



## stuff_it (Dec 9, 2011)

In their minds they are shouting that first letter.


----------



## kittyP (Dec 9, 2011)

equationgirl said:


> and 'Company'.
> 
> Random capitalisation makes me
> 
> But not as much as writing acronyms in lowercase (unless it's one that has become generally accepted like scuba or laser) - I've noticed the BBC has become quite bad for this recently.



Who the fuck writes BBC in lower case?


----------



## kittyP (Dec 9, 2011)

stuff_it said:


> In their minds they are shouting that first letter.



Totally!!!
That's why I do it, Subconsciously, maybe.....?!!!

I also love totally stupid and inappropriate exclamation marks too!!!!


----------



## Badgers (Dec 9, 2011)

Nobody has taken Sanitisation Seahorse down yet


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Dec 9, 2011)

What might give it away is the correctness of the punctuation. If you did another version, it could have "please" in quotes, say.


----------



## temper_tantrum (Dec 9, 2011)

Moar exclamation marks.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Dec 9, 2011)

An apostrophe on "user's"


----------



## Corax (Dec 9, 2011)

Anti-capitalists.


----------



## Superdupastupor (Dec 9, 2011)

teuchter said:


> Sometimes I wonder what goes on in the brains of the Random Capitalisers.
> 
> There are two levels though - those who randomly capitalise nouns only, and then those who will randomly capitalise any old word.



Doing lots of writing/reading in German- is my excuse


----------



## Badgers (Dec 12, 2011)

Squirrel is still there


----------



## Corax (Dec 12, 2011)

Someone has coloured Algernon's nut in purple and put spirals in his eyes.  He looks like a crack squirrel now.


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 12, 2011)

Corax said:


> Someone has coloured Algernon's nut in purple and put spirals in his eyes. He looks like a crack squirrel now.


Poor Algernon


----------



## Badgers (Dec 12, 2011)

Corax said:


> Someone has coloured Algernon's nut in purple and put spirals in his eyes. He looks like a crack squirrel now.



You may need a sign warning people not to graffiti on company signs?


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 13, 2011)

A sign about respecting signs?


----------



## gabi (Dec 16, 2011)

not an email, but ive just been politely asked if i could put on some more festive music instead of the depressing things i usually put on (i sit next to the stereo). the 'depressing' song which was playing at the time? david bowie, heroes.

we're now listening to Smooth Xmas FM. only 3 hours to go.


----------



## Corax (Dec 16, 2011)

Find Gentlemen by the Afghan Whigs.


----------



## laptop (Dec 16, 2011)

equationgirl said:


> A sign about respecting signs?


----------



## StoneRoad (Dec 16, 2011)

It has nothing about shooting at said sign (some of those dents look more like bullet holes to me)


----------



## 5t3IIa (Dec 19, 2011)

> *From:* The Under Boss
> *Sent:* 16 December 2011 14:41
> *To:* +London Admin Staff
> *Subject:* JUDGES DISABLED LAVATORY
> ...



From The Big Boss. The Under Boss had a lovely rant about being forced to send this to everyone "I look like a busybody! And like I _care_!!1"


----------



## temper_tantrum (Dec 19, 2011)

'You are insufficiently qualified to use these toilets, peasants!'


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Dec 19, 2011)

5t3IIa said:


> From The Big Boss. The Under Boss had a lovely rant about being forced to send this to everyone "I look like a busybody! And like I _care_!!1"


"designated use of a lavatory brush" is a great phrase


----------



## Me76 (Dec 19, 2011)

> unfamiliar with the designated use of a lavatory brush.


----------



## gabi (Dec 19, 2011)




----------



## moose (Dec 19, 2011)

'Our Security Contractors have informed me that several sets of Christmas lights were left on over the weekend, including the snowman on the second floor. I need not remind you that this is a fire hazard and contravenes our Green Office policy. Please ensure all decorations are turned off when you leave the office'


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 20, 2011)

temper_tantrum said:


> 'You are insufficiently qualified to use these toilets, peasants!'


You could stick that sign on it, they'd appreciate that 5t311a


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 20, 2011)

moose said:


> 'Our Security Contractors have informed me that several sets of Christmas lights were left on over the weekend, including the snowman on the second floor. I need not remind you that this is a fire hazard and contravenes our Green Office policy. Please ensure all decorations are turned off when you leave the office'



You have a snowman in the office? Nice


----------



## Termite Man (Dec 20, 2011)

gabi said:


> not an email, but ive just been politely asked if i could put on some more festive music instead of the depressing things i usually put on (i sit next to the stereo). the 'depressing' song which was playing at the time? david bowie, heroes.
> 
> we're now listening to Smooth Xmas FM. only 3 hours to go.


 
'we can be heros , just for one day'

I'd say thats a bleak outlook on things, maybe if it was

'we can be heros, for a fortnight'

it would be more acceptable.


----------



## Termite Man (Dec 20, 2011)

gabi said:


> not an email, but ive just been politely asked if i could put on some more festive music instead of the depressing things i usually put on (i sit next to the stereo). the 'depressing' song which was playing at the time? david bowie, heroes.
> 
> we're now listening to Smooth Xmas FM. only 3 hours to go.


 
also while we are on the subject of music , I normally have to put up with r'n'b crap or florence and the machine ,but on friday I took control of the cd player and stuck Bitches Brew by Miles Davies on and when the cd finished someone got up and just pressed play again , it was listened to 4 times in a row.


----------



## Badgers (Dec 21, 2011)

Termite Man said:


> 'we can be heros, for a fortnight'
> 
> it would be more acceptable.



Given that people are living longer these days is a fortnight enough?


----------



## gabi (Dec 21, 2011)

Termite Man said:


> also while we are on the subject of music , I normally have to put up with r'n'b crap or florence and the machine ,but on friday I took control of the cd player and stuck Bitches Brew by Miles Davies on and when the cd finished someone got up and just pressed play again , it was listened to 4 times in a row.



jesus. miles davis would probably earn me a red card.

theres now open warfare. ive stuck to my guns and am playing good stuff so the ladies behind me have brought in their own sound equipment resulting in a sound clash from hell. slade, george michael, the works.. baffling. how the fuck can anyone voluntarily listen to that?


----------



## marty21 (Dec 21, 2011)

> Dear All,
> As you're aware, the office is now cleaned twice per week, on Mondays and Thursdays. Consequently, we need to ensure even more than before that we keep the office, including the kitchen area, as tidy as possible. Please ensure that you are washing, drying and storing cutlery/plates/cups/etc that you have used during that day, disposing of refuse appropriately and and that you keep your desk tidy and free from clutter, including paper, files, keys, etc.
> Additionally, as the council moves towards becoming increasingly paperless, we each have a responsibility to ensure that we are not keeping and using paper documents any more than we need to. We need to make as much use of electronic storage and referral to documents as we can. This means that you need to ask yourself whether you need to print and keep a hard copy of a document every time you refer to something and also to make more use of the shared drive and your computer for storing and referring to folders and papers. This will also save on photocopying and printing costs for the EMB.
> If you have not already done so, you need to transfer any of the paper files on your desk to electronic copies and dispose of the paper files when you have done so.
> I will be carrying out an audit in the new year for everyone *(including myself!)* regarding this and hope to see that most of the paper files have been disposed of and have been transferred to the shared drive when I do so.


 
paper free office - lol

and the author - my boss - should have taken his own advice earlier - we just found a document that we weren't supposed to see - and have forwarded it to the union


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 22, 2011)

See, not keeping paper files goes against everything in my training when it was hammered into us that records need to be complete and include all correspondence to and from clients plus our own notes.

Gotta love that karma though, marty


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 22, 2011)

Oh yes, and I know this is sodding obvious but if they intend disposing of the paper files, I really hope that someone checks it's not unscanned originals that are being destroyed, only the copies.


----------



## Yu_Gi_Oh (Dec 30, 2011)

Not laughing at her English, as it's not her native language, but this is quite sweet for a scolding note.  (sent to my husband, not me)

Dear all,


     The poor fridge with stink asked me to tell you please eat your food in his body soon, keep the remnants  well sealed in the fridge. The cleaner will throw the spoilage food away sometimes.


     Thank you for your understanding.


----------



## extra dry (Dec 30, 2011)

the poor fridge...


Yu_Gi_Oh said:


> Not laughing at her English, as it's not her native language, but this is quite sweet for a scolding note. (sent to my husband, not me)
> 
> Dear all,
> 
> ...


----------



## Littlelostlamb (Jan 3, 2012)

On office noise policy: 'Do not feel obliged to acknowledge anyone walking past your desk, no matter who it is.'


----------



## Me76 (Jan 5, 2012)

Littlelostlamb said:


> On office noise policy: 'Do not feel obliged to acknowledge anyone walking past your desk, no matter who it is.'


This should be the policy in more work places


----------



## sojourner (Jan 5, 2012)

Littlelostlamb said:


> On office noise policy: 'Do not feel obliged to acknowledge anyone walking past your desk, no matter who it is.'


I want this on a big sign above my (reception) desk


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Jan 5, 2012)

Littlelostlamb said:


> On office noise policy: 'Do not feel obliged to acknowledge anyone walking past your desk, no matter who it is.'


One of my first jobs I got a disciplinary, amongst the heinous crimes I was accused of was not saying good morning to everyone when I came in in the morning. I replied that I didnt like everyone.


----------



## sojourner (Jan 5, 2012)

Boris Sprinkler said:


> One of my first jobs I got a disciplinary, amongst the heinous crimes I was accused of was not saying good morning to everyone when I came in in the morning. I replied that I didnt like everyone.


I used to get told off by my 2nd ever boss for saying 'hi' instead of 'good morning/afternoon'. I was 17, it was a fucking scheme, and I thought he was proper taking the piss


----------



## Me76 (Jan 5, 2012)

sojourner said:


> I used to get told off by my 2nd ever boss for saying 'hi' instead of 'good morning/afternoon'. I was 17, it was a fucking scheme, and I thought he was proper taking the piss


Did you stab him in the face?


----------



## sojourner (Jan 5, 2012)

Me76 said:


> Did you stab him in the face?


No, but I stole everything that wasn't nailed down, and didn't do a tap of work if he wasn't in


----------



## kabbes (Jan 5, 2012)

sojourner said:


> I used to get told off by my 2nd ever boss for saying 'hi' instead of 'good morning/afternoon'. I was 17, it was a fucking scheme, and I thought he was proper taking the piss


Yeah, but it _was_ in a funeral parlour.


----------



## Termite Man (Jan 5, 2012)

there is a sign in the gents at work which says



> do not place discarded chewing gum in the urinals etc. etc.



some smart arse has crossed out the ed on discraded so it says



> do not place discard chewing gum in the urinals



I'm really tempted to put up a sign pointing out their alteration has made the sign even more grammatically incorrect.


----------



## Corax (Jan 5, 2012)

Cross out the 'ing' of 'chewing'.


----------



## sojourner (Jan 6, 2012)

Corax said:


> Cross out the 'ing' of 'chewing'.


And replace it with a crudely drawn cock and balls, complete with 5 a side pubes and the hyphenated spurt of come


----------



## Schmetterling (Jan 9, 2012)

Improper use of toilet facilities shocker:

Dear All

It has come to my notice that staff (XXXX) are using the ground floor staff and patient toilets and often leaving them in a mess. Can we please be considerate and leave the toilets tidy after use. XXX only clean the toilets from Mon-Fri once a day at night.  If the toilet is left in a mess this means that it will stay out of use till the XXX come to clean it which causes a problem especially on busy clinic days and when the ground floor seminar room is in use. 

It is understandable that we do not have enough facilities in the building but improper use of the toilet facilities is unacceptable!


Kind regards

X

I suspect the patients, anway as most of them are old and diddly.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 9, 2012)

There has been a real shift from kitchens to toilets in the last 12 months scolding I feel?


----------



## Schmetterling (Jan 9, 2012)

Badgers said:


> There has been a real shift from kitchens to toilets in the last 12 months scolding I feel?



Calling all sociologists/psychiatrists for analysis!


----------



## quimcunx (Jan 9, 2012)

Badgers said:


> There has been a real shift from kitchens to toilets in the last 12 months scolding I feel?



No one can afford tea and coffee and even if they could they'd have no time to drink it because they are now doing two jobs for half the money. ==========> dirty protests.


----------



## Schmetterling (Jan 9, 2012)

quimcunx said:


> No one can afford tea and coffee and even if they could they'd have no time to drink it because they are now doing two jobs for half the money. ==========> dirty protests.


Shit-in instead of sit-in?


----------



## Badgers (Jan 9, 2012)




----------



## Johnny Canuck3 (Jan 9, 2012)

An email went around about forks. Apparently there weren't many forks. Someone went and bought some, and put them in the drawer. Three days later, only one of the new forks was left. There was a photo attached.

This generated a lot of email discussion. My contribution involved the words 'fork off'. How could I have resisted?


----------



## Badgers (Jan 9, 2012)

Forkgate


----------



## Corax (Jan 9, 2012)

Johnny Canuck3 said:


> An email went around about forks. Apparently there weren't many forks. Someone went and bought some, and put them in the drawer. Three days later, only one of the new forks was left. There was a photo attached.
> 
> This generated a lot of email discussion. My contribution involved the words 'fork off'. How could I have resisted?


24-piece cutlery set for £7.59: http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/70014999/

Buy two sets and put them all in the drawer.

Remove the forks first.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 10, 2012)

Cutlery can be a very contentious issue in offices.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 10, 2012)

Government should issue everyone a Spork I think.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 10, 2012)

Badgers said:


> Government should issue everyone a Spork I think.


But there's always some greedy pig who'll want all the sporks not just their own. The nation would see the birth of the UK spork industry to keep up with all the thievery.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 11, 2012)

Amazon emailed me a load of Spork deals today???


----------



## rubbershoes (Jan 12, 2012)

I've got an office etiquette dilemma and would appreciate some advice

I'm the one  in our office who goes through the fridge periodically throwing stuff away. I don't mind doing it. Someone buys yoghurts and eats maybe 50% of them . If they are a day out of date they won't be touched.

Except by me. I'll give them a fortnight and then eat the yoghurt.  The trouble is that they often buy blackcherry and I can't stand them. I could leave a note suggesting  they don't buy them. Maybe i could leave a list of my favourite flavours. Or suggesting they buy the really nice yogs

Yeah that seems like a good plan


----------



## Badgers (Jan 12, 2012)

rubbershoes said:


> I've got an office etiquette dilemma and would appreciate some advice
> 
> I'm the one in our office who goes through the fridge periodically throwing stuff away. I don't mind doing it. Someone buys yoghurts and eats maybe 50% of them . If they are a day out of date they won't be touched.
> 
> ...



Do it! Do it!!


----------



## gabi (Jan 12, 2012)

From this morning.



> Dear All,
> 
> This morning the Fire alarm was activated – it was unfortunately also noted that no one evacuated.
> 
> ...


----------



## teuchter (Jan 12, 2012)

gabi said:


> From this morning.



Did everyone survive the fire?


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 12, 2012)

Badgers said:


> Amazon emailed me a load of Spork deals today???


It's started already...


----------



## Badgers (Jan 12, 2012)

equationgirl said:
			
		

> It's started already...



I am getting the titanium one on payday


----------



## rollinder (Jan 14, 2012)

gabi said:


> "Unfortunately fires don’t send emails out to say they are on their way"



loving the mental image of a cartoon flame typing away "Hello I am a fire, if it isn't too much trouble could you all leave the building before I burn you to to death, please."  

*has visions of a Mr. Fire Safety Flame poster - Mr. fire Safety Flame says - I don't send emails to say I'm coming. Please leave the building when you hear the alarm and I'll promise not to kill you. Thank you.*


----------



## moose (Jan 15, 2012)

Not an email, but I spotted a poster in the toilets of a large pharma company in Switzerland and wish I'd had my phone to take a pic:
'Ladies!! Have a little look to be sure! Toilet brush not decoration!'


----------



## sojourner (Jan 17, 2012)

equationgirl said:


> Cutlery can be a very contentious issue in offices.


Fuckin right!  ALL  the forks went missing from this place.  I brought my own in and jealously guard it in my locked back office. Not a euphemism btw


----------



## gabi (Jan 20, 2012)

> *Today's Pizza & Trailer Session *
> 
> Thanks to everyone who attended this – the turnout was great.
> 
> Also there were a group of people who came down, took loads of food, walked past our reps and just left. It makes us look really bad (and so cheeky) and it meant that there wasn’t enough for everyone who actually attended...i know times are hard but really? it’s just rude.



this just in.

context - previews of this year's movies from wanky film people in our work cafe. slightly ashamed to say i was one of the accused


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jan 20, 2012)

gabi said:


> this just in.
> 
> context - previews of this year's movies from wanky film people in our work cafe. slightly ashamed to say i was one of the accused


 They should either have made sure there was enough for the casual passerby or demanded that people physically wrestle with a rep before allowing them a slice!


----------



## Badgers (Jan 20, 2012)

Did they eat the crusts?


----------



## gabi (Jan 20, 2012)

i chucked my crusts out, what the fuck do u think i am. an animal?? who eats pizza crusts.. christ.

im tempted to send an email requesting more pepperoni next time too, tight bastards. its just rude.


----------



## teuchter (Jan 25, 2012)




----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jan 25, 2012)

gabi said:


> i chucked my crusts out, what the fuck do u think i am. an animal?? who eats pizza crusts.. christ..


----------



## FunkyUK (Jan 25, 2012)

Problems at Manchester University...


----------



## quimcunx (Jan 25, 2012)

Not enough likes in the world.


----------



## gabi (Jan 25, 2012)

i think that one is sadly both a pearoast and a fake


----------



## ignatious (Jan 25, 2012)

FunkyUK said:


> Problems at Manchester University...



"Woodhall"


----------



## temper_tantrum (Jan 25, 2012)

gabi said:


> i think that one is sadly both a pearoast and a fake



Saw something very similar but not quite on Twitter in the last day or two. I think there's a meme going round.


----------



## killer b (Jan 25, 2012)

it's ancient, and clearly a joke.


----------



## teuchter (Jan 25, 2012)

And not a particularly good one.


----------



## mrs quoad (Jan 27, 2012)

Not scolding.

But I love it.



> Dear All
> 
> I'm afraid I'm still feeling very well, so won't be at the Institute today.


----------



## quimcunx (Jan 27, 2012)

the truth will out!  blates on a sly sickie.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 28, 2012)

mrs quoad said:


> Not scolding.
> 
> But I love it.



Slight slip of the fingers there I think, obvious sickie throwing 

There may be a scolding email about to be circulated at work - the ladies facilities have been left in a less-than-pristine condition on several occasions recently, and having seen one such scene for myself I can only endorse such an email. There's some manky besoms at my work.

I'm looking at every woman I work with thinking 'Are you really that manky?'


----------



## temper_tantrum (Feb 2, 2012)

The new firm of consultants which moved into our shared office-space last year seem to think they're too important to bother clearing up after themselves. This has been causing some considerable irritation among the rest of the office, who have had to pick up after them and their very large, very messy, very noisy meetings for the last few months. Finally someone has snapped ... this sign appeared in the kitchen this morning:


----------



## Corax (Feb 2, 2012)

Sounds familiar.  We had some from PW'F'C for a bit, and they drank our milk/tea/coffee, ate our biscuits, never cleaned anything and never put a penny into the kitty.  The thing that makes it fucking galling is that I know that they were earning at least three times what anyone else was.

They were also shit at the job.


----------



## Me76 (Feb 13, 2012)




----------



## BoatieBird (Feb 13, 2012)

I have never papered a toilet seat - am I abnormal


----------



## 5t3IIa (Feb 13, 2012)

BoatieBird said:


> I have never papered a toilet seat - am I abnormal


 
It's so odd, isn't it? 

I used to work on the same floor as ASOS.com and our shared facilities were a mess of piddle-sprinkles and the stench of vom. I am 100% sure it wasn't all the comfortably plump middle-aged NHS people I worked with.


----------



## BoatieBird (Feb 13, 2012)

Toilet seats are relatively clean compared to computer keyboards or washing up sponges.
I was watching Mythbusters with the boy yesterday and they tested loads of things for germs, and the kichen sponge was the most germ riddled.


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 13, 2012)

BoatieBird said:


> I have never papered a toilet seat - am I abnormal


 If you aren't then neither am I.


----------



## Me76 (Mar 13, 2012)

Got this.  What makes it worse is it's from one of our regional staff who is only ever here once a month!



> Amazing free offer...
> 
> …..as a one off, and having many years’ experience of living with teenage boys, I am willing to share my knowledge and offer colleagues free training in washing up skills……….
> 
> Let me know if you are interested?


----------



## gabi (Mar 13, 2012)

what a cunt! 

my new flatmate uses exactly the same passive aggressive shit with me. driving me nuts.


----------



## Schmetterling (Mar 14, 2012)

Me76 said:


> Got this. What makes it worse is it's from one of our regional staff who is only ever here once a month!


 I actually find that quite funny!  But of course, yes, only there once a month:  I am outraged for you!


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 14, 2012)

Me76 said:


> Got this. What makes it worse is it's from one of our regional staff who is only ever here once a month!


 
S/he's basically saying "YOU ARE ALL PIGS!"


----------



## gabi (Mar 22, 2012)

> Hi all,
> 
> We have problems with the water. Not just the fact that we are not on the beach. But on top of this, after 6pm, the taps of the water machine close and we cannot have water. Funny isn’t it? I talked to the facility and they promised they would have a look and make sure that we will have continuous water supply…
> Well, this has not happened yet. So we get bottled water in the meantime…
> ...


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 22, 2012)

gabi said:


> *in orange*


 
What is this madness? You've got timed taps?


----------



## ElizabethofYork (Mar 28, 2012)

Me76 said:


> Got this. What makes it worse is it's from one of our regional staff who is only ever here once a month!


 
I'd be tempted to reply "As you have many years' experience of living with teenage boys, I'm sure you'll be used to being told to Fuck Off".


----------



## Dr Jon (Mar 29, 2012)

Blast from the past:


----------



## Roadkill (Apr 3, 2012)

This morning someone sent an email round all staff asking if there's a spare kettle that can be donated to one of the offices. A couple of hours later some grumpy sod sent another one round telling them to get down to a charity shop and buy one, and that this is a 'total miss use' [sic] of the system. The originator of the exchange has just replied, in an email as illiterate as it is surreal:




> Dear Mr *****
> 
> I sincerely apologise for disturbing you, at what is obviously a very busy time in your schedule. I understand your pure frustration at receiving such a ‘trivial’ request, as you rightly point a what maybe a complete misuse of the system.
> However, In these days of make do and mend, and in light of the current economic crisis that not only ******** faces but in fact the entire world, I feel that we should all do our best to recycle what we can where we can for the good of our environment.
> ...


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm going to send an email round about the fuckwit who last used the shredder and a) didn't empty the overfull bag and b) jammed it so nobody could use it afterwards.


----------



## Mr Smin (Apr 4, 2012)

> _upgrade the very rooms that you use to *******************._


 
to what?


----------



## Roadkill (Apr 4, 2012)

Mr Smin said:


> to what?


 
Do his work.  Whatever that might be.


----------



## gabi (Apr 27, 2012)

> Can whoever took The Sun from the press team papers please return it.
> 
> 
> It would be really nice for us to be able to see if our client’s ads have run or not.
> ...


 
reply 


> Gents, third on the right


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Apr 27, 2012)

> Gents, third on the right


 
as reading matter, or emergency bog paper?


----------



## mrs quoad (Jun 22, 2012)

*cough!

It was sent with good intentions


----------



## Ax^ (Jun 22, 2012)

Puddy_Tat said:


> as reading matter, or emergency bog paper?


 
reading matter covers it


----------



## Me76 (Jul 26, 2012)

This has appeared in the kitchen today. I particularly like the rainbow effect on the writing.


----------



## colacubes (Jul 26, 2012)

Excellent use of clip art too


----------



## a_chap (Jul 26, 2012)

Random capitals always a bonus IMO


----------



## miniGMgoit (Jul 26, 2012)

Me76 said:


>



Clip art


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jul 26, 2012)

Rainbow clip art


----------



## Corax (Jul 26, 2012)

Me76 said:


> This has appeared in the kitchen today. I particularly like the rainbow effect on the writing.


 
I really fucking detest signs with "Polite Notice" at the top.

You can't just define it as polite by saying so you fucking cuntstand. _*I'll*_ decide whether it's polite or not on the basis of what it says and how it says it.

e.g.



> *Polite Notice*
> 
> You're a cunt and you smell of piss
> 
> Thank you


 
No, it's clearly not polite, no matter what fucking title it's been given.  Twat.  

[/RantAtHypotheticalPeople]


----------



## moose (Jul 28, 2012)

'The recent fire drill of 24th July was completely unsatisfactory. Not only did some people return to their desks to collect personal belongings such as sunglasses and cigarettes, but others stopped to get drinks from the machine. No one seemed to know where the assembly point for their team was, and some of the fire wardens failed to take pens to complete the register. May I remind you that prompt evacuation can save lives, and that if you had taken 7 minutes to leave the building in the case of a real incident, there could have been serious consequences. Contrast that with the speed at which staff were able to assemble in the car park when free ice creams were being distributed on Friday. We will be holding fire drills several times a week over the coming month, and anyone caught breaching the rules may be subject to disciplinary action.'


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Jul 28, 2012)

There's an obvious solution there.


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Jul 28, 2012)

FridgeMagnet said:


> There's an obvious solution there.


 
Hold regular fire drills?


----------



## Me76 (Jul 28, 2012)

Have ice cream in the car park when you are having a drill


----------



## wtfftw (Jul 29, 2012)

Saw this and thought of you guys.


----------



## tbtommyb (Jul 29, 2012)

There were union elections in the European Commission a while back and some of their (very numerous) campaign emails were amazing. Bearing in mind that, while there are some staffing issues, most EU staff do very well of it, one union sent out something along the lines of:

'The Commission management offer us the following menu de degustación:

A starter of indifference.

A soup of condemnation.

A main of scorn.

A sorbet of bitterness

A dessert of contempt.

Whereas we, union no. 37 [or something] demand nothing more than a simple plat du jour of solidarity.'

As if eurocrats were at one with the common man.


----------



## Mumbles274 (Jul 29, 2012)

wtfftw said:


> Saw this and thought of you guys.


that's ace


----------



## mrs quoad (Aug 16, 2012)

Not scolding, but...




			
				Institute Secretary said:
			
		

> Dr Blatherfield has just found some money on the cycle ramp – if you think you have lost some money, please do go and see him in Room Blah
> 
> Thanks
> 
> The Secretary


 
Swift response from Dr E:




			
				Dr E said:
			
		

> Is this an RCT?


----------



## quimcunx (Aug 16, 2012)

RCT?  

that doesn't stand for Psychology Dept Experiment.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 16, 2012)

Academic 'jokes'


----------



## laptop (Aug 16, 2012)

5t3IIa said:


> Academic 'jokes'


----------



## Me76 (Oct 2, 2012)

Big temper tantrum from a new Director this morning (we are having a bit of a mouse issue at the mo):



> I am saddened that the state of the basement kitchen is becoming alarming and likely to invite our rodent guests down there at great speed. I have a simple request:
> 
> *IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CLEAN AND PRESENTABLE ENVIRONMENT IN XXXXX?*
> 
> ...


----------



## marty21 (Oct 2, 2012)

Me76 said:


> Big temper tantrum from a new Director this morning (we are having a bit of a mouse issue at the mo):


  A Classic !


----------



## Me76 (Oct 2, 2012)

dp


----------



## Crispy (Oct 2, 2012)

Thing is, hiring a cleaner _does_ fix the problem


----------



## Yelkcub (Oct 2, 2012)

From me to client's rep:

'I’ve picked up your voicemail and investigated your suggestion that we ‘sent the wrong kit’ to site. 　
Reading the email chain below it appears we sent exactly what was agreed. 　I’m sure you understand the nature of our agreement means we are providing specific resources to xxxx, as opposed to being the incumbent contractor and having the ultimate responsibility to respond to whatever reactive needs you may have. As such, when we couldn’t provide what you ideally required, but offered a solution, it was within your gift to decide it was adequate or not before accepting.

You also expressed in your some frustration at not getting to speak to me personally – I’m afraid I won’t always be available to you, but I’ve given you our x's number, and our head office number is on the rota supplied.

The good news is that we should be fully set up at x next week, possibly even by the end of this week, meaning and I and the rest of xxxx team will be local to you. 　

I look forward to meeting you on Friday.'

i.e. get back in your fucking box


----------



## Yelkcub (Oct 2, 2012)

Just noticed a typo


----------



## savoloysam (Oct 3, 2012)

Crispy said:


> Thing is, hiring a cleaner _does_ fix the problem


 
We can't go giving cleaners jobs these days you know!


----------



## porp (Oct 4, 2012)

equationgirl said:


> and 'Company'.
> 
> Random capitalisation makes me
> 
> But not as much as writing acronyms in lowercase (unless it's one that has become generally accepted like scuba or laser) - I've noticed the BBC has become quite bad for this recently.


and what's the em-dash doing in there? Fortune arse hundred indeed.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 4, 2012)

porp said:


> and what's the em-dash doing in there? Fortune arse hundred indeed.


 
 I don't understand your post.


----------



## cesare (Oct 4, 2012)

equationgirl said:


> I don't understand your post.


You were complaining about increasing informality in writing (e.g. writing acronyms in lowercase) but in the same sentence used an em-dash which some people complain is a form of punctuation used lazily in place of a semi colon or colon. 

I have no idea about porp's second sentence


----------



## High Voltage (Oct 4, 2012)

porp said:


> and what's the em-dash doing in there? Fortune arse hundred indeed.



Now it maybe how it views on my 'putter but that doesn't look like am em dash to me. An en dash? Yes, but not an em.

Em dash = 2 x en dashes. One em = a square IN POINTS of the type size you're using which is the same as a lower case "m"


----------



## kabbes (Oct 4, 2012)

And an en-dash is completely wrong.  An en-dash is supposed to be used only for hyphens.

You are supposed to either use a double en-dash with a space either side or a triple en-dash with no spaces either side, unless you have access to an actual em-dash (the double) or long em-dash (the triple, but I can't remember its proper name).  And either can quite happily replace a comma or a semi-colon.  Nothing wrong with that at all.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 4, 2012)

None of your posts make any sense to me whatsoever.


----------



## Meltingpot (Oct 4, 2012)

I think I get it (though kabbes might correct me on this). The more en-dashes, the more of a break between the two parts of the sentence you get; but you need at least two en-dashes to make the same pause as a semi-colon would make, so you may just as well use that instead.

An "actual" double or triple en-dash is just a longer unbroken line than a single en-dash (but most keyboards don't have them).


----------



## laptop (Oct 4, 2012)

kabbes said:


> An en-dash is supposed to be used only for hyphens.


 
No it's not. _Hyphens_ are supposed to be used for hyphens 

Whether an en dash (as punctuation) gets a full space each side, or a thin space, or a hair space, is entirely a matter for house style; an en dash with no space is very unusual, but there is no rule that would prevent a house style specifying it.


----------



## wtfftw (Oct 4, 2012)

Is this a live email reenactment?


----------



## kabbes (Oct 4, 2012)

Punctuation pedantry ftw


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 4, 2012)

It's a forum. If I want to use a hyphen, I will sodding use a hyphen


----------



## Meltingpot (Oct 4, 2012)

kabbes said:


> Punctuation pedantry ftw


 
I think there's a law of diminishing returns where correct English is concerned. The amount of effort it takes to learn every fine rule about things such as which punctuation mark should be used where, increases in inverse proportion to the number of people who care about the rule being used correctly or even know what the rule is. It may even increase _exponentially_ in inverse proportion to it.

The same goes for rules such as those pertaining to the relative pronoun; when you should use "that" instead of "which" (or vice versa) which I still haven't mastered yet.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 4, 2012)

Meltingpot said:


> The same goes for rules such as those pertaining to the relative pronoun; when you should use "that" instead of "which" (or vice versa) which I still haven't mastered yet.


Do you understand where to place a comma?  Then you understand when to use "that" and when to use "which".


----------



## laptop (Oct 4, 2012)

equationgirl said:


> It's a forum. If I want to use a hyphen, I will sodding use a hyphen


 
I forgot to mention - this is good practice online, so long as you give one space each side. Not all browsers recognise *&endash;* (That's *&amp;endash;* in case the combination of the u75 software and your browser over-recognises it.)


----------



## Meltingpot (Oct 4, 2012)

kabbes said:


> Do you understand where to place a comma? Then you understand when to use "that" and when to use "which".


 
I was taught to use the "breath" rule; imagine yourself saying the sentence out loud, and put a comma in the places where you'd want to take a breath.

I'd be interested to know how that relates to "that" and "which" as the connection isn't obvious (to me at least) and it is something I've puzzled about in the past. Thanks in advance.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 4, 2012)

kabbes said:


> Do you understand where to place a comma? Then you understand when to use "that" and when to use "which".


Yes. Which is more than a lot of people I work with do.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 4, 2012)

Meltingpot said:


> I was taught to use the "breath" rule; imagine yourself saying the sentence out loud, and put a comma in the places where you'd want to take a breath.
> 
> I'd be interested to know how that relates to "that" and "which" as the connection isn't obvious (to me at least) itnd it is something I've puzzled about in the past. Thanks in advance.


The rules about commas are not to do with breathing.  At least, not directly.  They are fundamentally to do with things like clauses.  Saying that, I doubt you go far wrong in your usage.

I mention it because 99% of the time, if you have a comma then you should use "which" and if you don't then you should use "that".

This sentence, which previously was about something else, is now about this.

The sentence that was previously about something else is now about this.


----------



## Me76 (Oct 4, 2012)

kabbes said:


> The rules about commas are not to do with breathing. At least, not directly. They are fundamentally to do with things like clauses. Saying that, I doubt you go far wrong in your usage.
> 
> I mention it because 99% of the time, if you have a comma then you should use "which" and if you don't then you should use "that".
> 
> ...


I am copying that and e-mailing it to myself.


----------



## teuchter (Oct 4, 2012)

Me76 said:


> I am copying that and e-mailing it to myself.


I am copying, which and e-mailing it to myself.


----------



## ringo (Oct 8, 2012)

I had a 12_u_ flight case for my sound system amps etc delivered to Mrs R's work so she could bring it home in her car. She got this on Friday:

"A very large,heavy box has been delivered for you whilst on your annual leave today. The people who delivered it were not happy at how heavy the parcel was and the fact that you were not here to sign for it. Due to the weight of it the staff were not able to move it.
I'm presuming it is something for home rather then work or am I wrong? 
As you were not here it means that the parcel is now the responsibility of the unit and due the nature of how heavy and large it is we have not been able to move it anywhere then where it is (outside ****'s office). My concern is that if it is something valuable and if anything happens to it the ward will be responsible.

Can I please ask that you try and not arrange for parcels to be delivered here especially if you are not going to be here to sign and accept them as it puts ****, myself and the rest of the staff in a compromising position.

If it is something for the ward then obviously being delivered here is fine but can I please ask that you lmake **** aware that a delivery will be coming.

Many thanks"

Must confess I didn't think it would be that big and that they were exaggerating. Never heard of a courier company complaining that a parcel is heavy either. Went down to collect it and it was the size of a washing machine & weighed 39KG


----------



## Schmetterling (Oct 8, 2012)

ringo said:


> I had a 12_u_ flight case for my sound system amps etc delivered to Mrs R's work so she could bring it home in her car. She got this on Friday:
> 
> "moan disguised as politeness
> 
> ...


 
Tell them it's the weight of the world, which you intend to carry home on your shoulders!


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Oct 8, 2012)

That sounds like a reasonable scolding to me.


----------



## ringo (Oct 8, 2012)

FridgeMagnet said:


> That sounds like a reasonable scolding to me.


 
I was forced to agree when I saw it.


----------



## Manter (Oct 8, 2012)

Someone sent an email last year bitching about the fact someone had used their mug, (someone took my mug, it has sentimental value, I want to use my mug not whatever is left in the cupboard, you must have taken it off my desk, blah blah blah) to the whole organisation. 14,000 staff worldwide.....


----------



## ringo (Oct 9, 2012)

ringo said:


> I was forced to agree when I saw it.


 
Quite big 







ETA: And oddly sideways when loaded too


----------



## BoatieBird (Oct 9, 2012)

ringo said:


> And oddly sideways when loaded too


 
Aren't we all ringo?


----------



## plurker (Oct 9, 2012)

fairly sure you could, with a bit of quick thinking, have passed that off as medical equipment too...


----------



## ringo (Oct 10, 2012)

plurker said:


> fairly sure you could, with a bit of quick thinking, have passed that off as medical equipment too...


 
That might have sounded suspocious coming from a social worker


----------



## porp (Oct 10, 2012)

equationgirl said:


> I don't understand your post.


 Reading back, I'm not sure I understand it either.

Oh hang on, I was snarking about an em-dash in the Lemonade Stand  photo, and managed to drag your blameless self into it.

To recap (after everyone's gone home):

Equationgirl did not use an em-dash, and my sloppy quoting may have made it look like she did. And even if she had, so what? Sorry, Equationgirl.

Fortune bum-hundred anyroad


----------



## marty21 (Oct 11, 2012)

FridgeMagnet said:


> That sounds like a reasonable scolding to me.


Yep, I have never lived down getting that fridge delivered to work while I was on Holiday


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Oct 11, 2012)

marty21 said:


> Yep, I have never lived down getting that fridge delivered to work while I was on Holiday


Deliveries to work at my last place were finally scotched after someone had a 6-foot long radiator delivered.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 12, 2012)

I keep on the postie's good side therefore he lets me get deliveries to the office and I am pretty much the only person who gets their post hand delivered to their desk. Everyone else gets theirs put in the department in-tray. 

I am however considering putting up a notice asking whoever has started stealing the lids of the paper boxes to fucking stop it as when the next delivery comes in the new boxes can't be stacked on top safely.

Who the fuck nicks paper box lids anyway?


----------



## stuff_it (Oct 12, 2012)

ringo said:


> Quite big
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You got a full amp rack delivered to your wife's work (I assume) at a hospital. PMSL. 



Buddy Bradley said:


> Deliveries to work at my last place were finally scotched after someone had a 6-foot long radiator delivered.


A full amp rack is much heavier than a radiator...


----------



## ringo (Oct 12, 2012)

stuff_it said:


> You got a full amp rack delivered to your wife's work (I assume) at a hospital. PMSL.


 
It was delivered empty, I filled it myself


----------



## Athos (Oct 12, 2012)

I once had a rare, pink double pearl delivered to work. I was there to sign for it, but someone else did so, and it never made its way to me. Amazingly, work paid! I think they were embarrassed by the obvious implication that there was a thief in out midst. Mrs Athos never got her pearl necklace though.


----------



## Ranbay (Oct 12, 2012)




----------



## Me76 (Oct 12, 2012)




----------



## ringo (Oct 12, 2012)

Buddy Bradley said:


> Deliveries to work at my last place were finally scotched after someone had a 6-foot long radiator delivered.


 
The bloke I sit next to forgot to change the address on his Paypal account and had his new king size bed delivered here


----------



## Favelado (Oct 12, 2012)

Meltingpot said:


> I'd be interested to know how that relates to "that" and "which" as the connection isn't obvious (to me at least) and it is something I've puzzled about in the past. Thanks in advance.


 
I think "that" can always substitute "which" as a relative pronoun in a relative clause. Obviously not vice-versa as "that" can also be used to substitute other relative pronouns.

http://www.ego4u.com/en/cram-up/grammar/relative-clauses


----------



## BoatieBird (Oct 16, 2012)

> Dear all
> We’ve received feedback from the Fire Drill in xxxxxx on 10th October and we’ve been asked by the Health & Safety Co-ordinator to remind staff that they should not be carrying hot drinks from the building whilst it is under alarm.


----------



## mrs quoad (Oct 16, 2012)

> If you are at a printer when it develops a fault, or you cannot log into it in the first place don’t just walk off -  please let me know. [...]
> 
> These printers can do some pretty special things, but unfortunately increasing my psychic abilities isn’t one of them.


----------



## Manter (Oct 16, 2012)

Slightly off topic, our office fire alarm test starts with a talky bit, which says " if you can't hear this test, please call extension....."


----------



## bluestreak (Oct 16, 2012)

Athos said:


> Mrs Athos never got her pearl necklace though.


 
you're alright, i gave her one whilst you were at work etc.


----------



## Athos (Oct 17, 2012)

bluestreak said:
			
		

> you're alright, i gave her one whilst you were at work etc.



I guess I set myself up for that one!


----------



## ringo (Oct 18, 2012)

Just got this one.


Subject: [CAUTION TO THOSE WITH A WEAK STOMACH] Someone's lunch.......


.......from last week....*urm*.....perhaps last month.....was causing a terrible smell in the fridge..........
Enough said! *:-(*

The clean Tupperware is being raffled off to the person who correctly guesses what it was............ (!)


----------



## marty21 (Oct 18, 2012)

@BoatieBird 
They can take my hot drink out of my cold dead hands


----------



## BoatieBird (Oct 18, 2012)

marty21 said:


> @BoatieBird
> They can take my hot drink out of my cold dead hands


 
They didn't seem to be bothered by the fact that a good half of the staff had no idea where the assembly point was


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Oct 18, 2012)

When I was a smoker the first thing I did when the fire alarm went off was grab my cigarettes and lighter. Depending on how long it took you might get time for a couple to tabs 

I also have taken my mug of tea with me


----------



## BoatieBird (Oct 18, 2012)

QueenOfGoths said:


> When I was a smoker the first thing I did when the fire alarm went off was grab my cigarettes and lighter. Depending on how long it took you might get time for a couple to tabs
> 
> I also have taken my mug of tea with me


 
Our assembly point is next to the smoking area so it seems right that I should kill two birds with one stone


----------



## mrs quoad (Oct 19, 2012)

We got sent one this morning with the subject line:



> Shocking what I found this morning.


 
I'll leave you to guess.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 19, 2012)

mrs quoad said:


> I'll leave you to guess.


 
jism?


----------



## quimcunx (Oct 19, 2012)

a mug ring on a coffee table?


----------



## marty21 (Oct 19, 2012)

mrs quoad said:


> We got sent one this morning with the subject line:
> 
> 
> 
> I'll leave you to guess.


 
Lord Lucan?


----------



## colacubes (Oct 19, 2012)

A used hypodermic needle standing upright in a poo like a candle on a cake?


----------



## mrs quoad (Oct 19, 2012)

Marty is def closest.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 19, 2012)

mrs quoad said:


> We got sent one this morning with the subject line:
> 
> I'll leave you to guess.


Lord Lucan and Jimmy Hoffa?


----------



## el-ahrairah (Oct 19, 2012)

some sort of animal.


----------



## Corax (Oct 19, 2012)

Cthulu?


----------



## Badgers (Oct 19, 2012)

Post 2000


----------



## Corax (Oct 19, 2012)

Badgers said:


> Post 2000


Yes dear, it's 2012 now.  Do catch up.


----------



## quimcunx (Oct 19, 2012)

Miffy, my pet hamster who I thought had died?


----------



## Artaxerxes (Oct 21, 2012)

> From: Admin Lady
> 
> To: Male staff in dept
> 
> ...


 
Strangely the amount of poo has actually gone down (hur hur) since this was sent. Ever since we moved in its been a bit of a lottery as to whether the cubicles going to be filled with shit or not.


----------



## BigTom (Oct 21, 2012)

Artaxerxes said:


> Strangely the amount of poo has actually gone down (hur hur) since this was sent. Ever since we moved in its been a bit of a lottery as to whether the cubicles going to be filled with shit or not.


 
I think this:



> If it doesn't go down the first time, then stay inside the toilet and let the tank refill with water and flush again. And again, and again until it goes.


 
gives you licence to stay in the bog all day pretending to flush a shit down the u-bend


----------



## kabbes (Nov 2, 2012)

The sign says

NOTE:
This is the fridge
Please watch where
you are throwing
your rubbish.

on account of the fact the fridge has been newly placed where the bin used to be...


----------



## mrs quoad (Nov 2, 2012)

Corax said:


> Cthulu?





el-ahrairah said:


> some sort of animal.





equationgirl said:


> Lord Lucan and Jimmy Hoffa?





nipsla said:


> A used hypodermic needle standing upright in a poo like a candle on a cake?





marty21 said:


> Lord Lucan?





quimcunx said:


> a mug ring on a coffee table?


 
Forgot about this 

IIRC, it was a cup. A cup on the floor in a corridor near a fire exit, IIRC.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Nov 4, 2012)

Poogate continues!



> Guys
> I've been advised that one of the gents toilets is in a dreadful state.
> Please can I emphasize again the below points which were made clear to you on the 7th September see attached.
> Its your waste.
> ...


----------



## Corax (Nov 4, 2012)

Artaxerxes said:


> Poogate continues!


"Organisation values" urgh.  

We have those too now.  Apparently they support our "organisational objectives".  I think there were some workshops.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Nov 4, 2012)

Corax said:


> "Organisation values" urgh.
> 
> We have those too now. Apparently they support our "organisational objectives". I think there were some workshops.


 
We get assessed on "The Values" every year, it hurts me inside to make up bollocks about how I've shown Rapport and Energy over the year...


----------



## ringo (Nov 6, 2012)

"Dear All,

Please may you help.

We are down to only 2 cups and 4 saucers after having 8 of each.

Please let me know if you have seen any or know where any are and if you ever see any of them abandon please let me know and I will rescue them. These are very important as we use them for external visitors and at the moment we do not have enough to provide more than 2 hot drinks.

I have attached a picture of what they look like for you.

Many thanks"

Shocking English. She attached a jpg of a cup and saucer


----------



## Badgers (Nov 6, 2012)

Our office today: 







/not really scolding


----------



## jakethesnake (Nov 6, 2012)

ringo said:


> "Dear All,
> 
> Please may you help.
> 
> ...


The last place I worked seemed to have loads of plates, cups, cutlery. Masses of the stuff. We also used to get nagged about the washing up not being done. Anyway I used to enjoy just throwing the stuff away once I'd used it, not very environmentally sound but actually really satisfying for some reason.


----------



## teuchter (Nov 6, 2012)

Badgers said:


> Our office today:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Filed under 'C'


----------



## Badgers (Nov 6, 2012)

teuchter said:


> Filed under 'C'


 
I liked that too  

Crap? 
Crapper? 
Coiled?


----------



## wtfftw (Nov 6, 2012)

Cunts


----------



## golightly (Nov 8, 2012)

I've just received an e-mail that said that "there is apparently a policy of sacking staff who swear at customers." Really?


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Nov 8, 2012)

golightly said:


> I've just received an e-mail that said that "there is apparently a policy of sacking staff who swear at customers." Really?


PC gone mad, nobody has a right not to be offended, health and safety nanny state etc


----------



## golightly (Nov 8, 2012)

FridgeMagnet said:


> PC gone mad, nobody has a right not to be offended, health and safety nanny state etc


 
I can't through a working day without swearing at customer. 

It was the use of 'apparently' that amused me.


----------



## Schmetterling (Nov 9, 2012)

Artaxerxes said:


> Poogate continues!


 German Poo Guy?


----------



## mrs quoad (Nov 13, 2012)

Not scolding, but.



> INSPIRATIONAL SPEAKER: 21st NOVEMBER, 5:30-6:45 LAW FACULTY.
> 
> Kevin Laue of Redress will be speaking on the topic 'Extraordinary Rendition and Torture: Remarkable Stories'.


----------



## teuchter (Nov 13, 2012)

I think "Remarkable Rendition and Torture: Extraordinary Stories" would have read better.


----------



## extra dry (Nov 14, 2012)

use of possessive (s')


----------



## Garek (Nov 14, 2012)

extra dry said:


> use of possessive (s')


 
There's an apostrophe before the 'e'.


----------



## sim667 (Nov 15, 2012)

ringo said:


> I had a 12_u_ flight case for my sound system amps etc delivered to Mrs R's work so she could bring it home in her car. She got this on Friday:
> 
> "A very large,heavy box has been delivered for you whilst on your annual leave today. The people who delivered it were not happy at how heavy the parcel was and the fact that you were not here to sign for it. Due to the weight of it the staff were not able to move it.
> I'm presuming it is something for home rather then work or am I wrong?
> ...


 

The courier company can fuck off, they get paid to carry and deliver stuff


----------



## sim667 (Nov 16, 2012)

Just had this email from our principle, she's rewarding us for improving our achievements.



> Thank you all especially to the staff in Exams and MIS who have worked valiantly to get all the achievements on the system in record time.
> In recognition I have decided to close the College on Monday 24th December to give everyone an early start to the Christmas holiday.


 
I'm so tempted to email her back with 'Oh ambassador, you are spoiling us!'...... but i must resist


----------



## Superdupastupor (Nov 17, 2012)

Uni bod said:
			
		

> .... I've answered these questions before, but maybe now that people are working on their essays, they might actually read and pay attention to my message...


 
All right, all right nevermind the fact that these specific instructions are in the a large pdf document in an obscure part of the course website.


----------



## Corax (Nov 17, 2012)

ringo said:


> "Dear All,
> 
> Please may you help.
> 
> ...


Tell her that it's hard to recognise the cups and saucers because there's no way of telling what size they are in the picture.  Ask her to take another photo of them, but this time held up to her face for a sense of scale.


----------



## Mr Smin (Nov 17, 2012)

deleted - something went wrong with the image embed and ruined my post.


----------



## UnderAnOpenSky (Nov 18, 2012)

Posted in the staff room recently.


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Nov 18, 2012)

And not unreasonably so, surely?


----------



## UnderAnOpenSky (Nov 18, 2012)

I think he's been quite nice about it.


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Nov 18, 2012)

Global Stoner said:


> I think he's been quite nice about it.



Are you gonna stop doing it, though?


----------



## moose (Nov 20, 2012)

'As the Christmas period approaches, many of you will be having your internet shopping delivered to work. Whilst your receptionists don't mind the increased workload of taking in all the parcels and letting you know they have arrived, Lee cannot be expected to bring them all up to your desks, nor is it acceptable for them to clutter up the foyer. Please collect any parcels promptly or they will be put away in the Big Cupboard.'

The Big Cupboard?


----------



## mrs quoad (Nov 22, 2012)

> It has been brought to my attention that a minority of students are cluttering the PhD area to the point that it is impinging on other students and making the area look unprofessional. We have many visitors to the Department and we want them to see a working environment, not a domestic space!
> 
> We appreciate that there are some of you who would like to use this area on a regular basis and who need space to keep books relating to your research and some personal items to make this area comfortable. Please note that these personal items should be kept to a minimum and the Institute is not a storage facility. Your fellow students also wish to work in a fairly neat and tidy area.


 
So far, there've been two multiple-paragraph outraged replies


----------



## friedaweed (Nov 22, 2012)

I shouldn't put this up but it did make me laugh yesterday.
Over the tannoy ....

"Could the owner the fiat 500 registration number hfy98dr please come and remove it from in front of the BIG RED DOORS. You may not have noticed this but the BIG RED TRUCK on the other side of those BIG RED DOORS has it's BIG BLUE LIGHTS flashing and that noise you can here is a BIG RED FIRE ENGINE. We can move if for you if you like. Thank you"


----------



## UnderAnOpenSky (Nov 22, 2012)

Jon-of-arc said:


> Are you gonna stop doing it, though?


 
Yeah probably should, unless it's a mix that I want as can't see them getting flagged up. 

I'm out of here pretty soon anyway and more to the point have so much unwatched/unlistened to stuff it's a bit of a futile exercise.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Nov 23, 2012)

moose said:


> 'As the Christmas period approaches, many of you will be having your internet shopping delivered to work. Whilst your receptionists don't mind the increased workload of taking in all the parcels and letting you know they have arrived, Lee cannot be expected to bring them all up to your desks, nor is it acceptable for them to clutter up the foyer. Please collect any parcels promptly or they will be put away in the Big Cupboard.'
> 
> The Big Cupboard?


No, not the big cupboard, please god no... aieeee


----------



## ash (Nov 26, 2012)

This was posted by baby bear after Goldilocks viisted our office kitchen today!!


----------



## ash (Nov 26, 2012)

ash said:


> This was posted by baby bear after Goldilocks viisted our office kitchen today!!


 
The stainless steel porridge teaspoon has been returned; there is hope for the middle east yet!!


----------



## killer b (Nov 26, 2012)

Magnificent. STAINLESS STEEL, not just any old steel.


----------



## joustmaster (Nov 26, 2012)

quick, replace the spoon with a fork


----------



## Badgers (Nov 26, 2012)

joustmaster said:


> quick, replace the spoon with a fork


 
DO THIS ^


----------



## ringo (Nov 26, 2012)

Hi All,

Kitchen etiquette is still not being exercised and this is a problem to others using the kitchen.

Problem areas and gripes made over the past week alone are as follows:

·         Dirty dishes and crockery still being left in the sink
·         Food being put in the microwave uncovered
·         Counters not being wiped after food (crumbs incl.) and drinks spillages
·         Food in the fridges unpackaged/wrapped and left to go off and cause horrid odours

The message is simple:  please clean up after yourselves.  

Spray cleaner and blue roll is always provided.  Please prepare your food and drink at such time when you can spare the extra minute or two to clean up after yourself.


----------



## ringo (Nov 29, 2012)

Four days later, her rage remains unabated. A classic of failed recall moaning:

RECALL: TEASPOONS [have you any at your desk that belong in the kicthen??] [eom]

I love recalled emails - shining a light on your own ineptitude and a barely contained but brilliantly public hatred of your colleagues.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 29, 2012)

Does an attempted recall ever actually work?


----------



## colacubes (Nov 29, 2012)

I know the first thing I do when someone recalls a message is read it to see what they've fucked up


----------



## kabbes (Nov 29, 2012)

Damn right!


----------



## kabbes (Nov 29, 2012)

In fact, there is a _considerably_ higher chance that I will bother to read a recalled email than a normal email.


----------



## ringo (Nov 29, 2012)

kabbes said:


> Does an attempted recall ever actually work?


 
The email guru just told me that recall does not have the ability to prevent the sending of an email, the best it can do is (sometimes) cross it out and label it recalled. A truly pointless and self-defeating 'function'


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Nov 29, 2012)

kabbes said:


> In fact, there is a _considerably_ higher chance that I will bother to read a recalled email than a normal email.


Maybe this is a useful way to get people to actually read things.


----------



## Corax (Nov 29, 2012)

Ours recall automatically, as long as the person hasn't already read it.  I've used it quite a few times, but they've only been because I've forgotten to attach something or include some info, not because I was in a paddy.


----------



## ringo (Dec 10, 2012)

Not scolding, but this email did have everyone in the office cheering, then swearing as the penny dropped, and finally cursing the author.



*Subject:*Staff: Addtional Leave Day

Hi All,

Due to the way in which the bank holidays fall over the festive season, an additional day’s leave has been granted to staff members during the week before or after Christmas, in recent years.  This additional day’s leave is often referred to as a Christmas Shopping Day.

The way in which the bank holidays fall in the working week this year means that staff members are not eligible for an additional days leave for 2012.


----------



## quimcunx (Dec 10, 2012)

ringo said:


> Not scolding, but this email did have everyone in the office cheering, then swearing as the penny dropped, and finally cursing the author.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 

Christmas eve surely?


----------



## ringo (Dec 10, 2012)

I think I'll choose December 20th as my ineligible day's leave


----------



## Corax (Dec 10, 2012)

ringo said:


> Not scolding, but this email did have everyone in the office cheering, then swearing as the penny dropped, and finally cursing the author.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Not sure what they were expecting though tbh. All the BHs fall on weekdays, so there's no 'bank holiday in lieu'. Could have chosen the title in the subject line better though I guess... 

Can I suggest you reply back asking him if he got bored of apostophising "days" after the first two times? And why he felt in necessary to capitalise "Shopping Day" too. 

We don't get bank holidays themselves off necessarily, but we get the equivalent as part of our leave entitlement. Much simpler usually - except that this year both Good Fridays fall within the same financial year. There has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth over how to deal with this on HR's clever electronic staff-record system thingy.


----------



## moose (Dec 13, 2012)

I regret I have to ask you YET AGAIN to turn off all christmas lights and decorations before leaving the building. I remind you that lights left on in an unattended building are a fire risk for which we are not insured.


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 14, 2012)

moose said:


> I regret I have to ask you YET AGAIN to turn off all christmas lights and decorations before leaving the building. I remind you that lights left on in an unattended building are a fire risk for which we are not insured.


Now if the words '...and if there is a fire you will liable for all business recovery costs.' were added to the end, there would be no lights causing a fire risk.


----------



## Corax (Dec 14, 2012)

moose said:


> I regret I have to ask you YET AGAIN to turn off all christmas lights and decorations before leaving the building. I remind you that lights left on in an unattended building are a fire risk for which we are not insured.


I regret to have to remind you that this isn't the fucking 1970s and today's Christmas tree lights come standard with safety fuses in the plugs to ensure overzealous decorators don't overwhelm the electrical circuits in individual wall sockets.


----------



## moose (Dec 14, 2012)

Exackly. The zillion iPads we leave charging every night are probably almost as hazardous.


----------



## UnderAnOpenSky (Dec 16, 2012)

Corax said:


> I regret to have to remind you that this isn't the fucking 1970s and today's Christmas tree lights come standard with safety fuses in the plugs to ensure overzealous decorators don't overwhelm the electrical circuits in individual wall sockets.


 
I'm surprised they don't have them PAC tested!


----------



## ajdown (Dec 17, 2012)

Just had this round.

Dear all,

Today and tomorrow the new doors to the main hall downstairs will be painted so please stay out of the way.

Thanks, Jon

I love the "stay out of the way" phrase... it's not exactly that we'd be "in the way" but "passing through" surely... although perhaps some people might like to hover and watch paint dry.


----------



## extra dry (Dec 18, 2012)

It is a job, people don't want you to who is doing the paint job...maybe it is a huge fressco in the making...or not


----------



## ajdown (Dec 18, 2012)

It's two normal doors, that's all.  Nothing fantastic.  I'm sure it'll be another exciting shade of "battleship grey" like the last time it was painted.


----------



## mrs quoad (Dec 21, 2012)

> All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
> 
> Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
> 
> ...


Oh, god.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Dec 21, 2012)

i bet the daily mail readers in teh office think this is the most dangerous satire ever.


----------



## Corax (Dec 21, 2012)

I was looking for a good humorous Christmas poem earlier, and about half of the ones I found were "Health & Safety" versions of classics.


----------



## StoneRoad (Dec 21, 2012)

mrs quoad said:


> Oh, god.


 
nope, oh My god, .....shlurley....

people are getting far too risk averse, just try for the risk assessment for a flying snowman !


----------



## mrs quoad (Dec 21, 2012)

el-ahrairah said:


> i bet the daily mail readers in teh office think this is the most dangerous satire ever.


There's a couple of people i/c of H&S.

The author is one of them


----------



## colbhoy (Dec 31, 2012)

Dear All
It has once again been brought to my attention, and rightly so, that the canteen is unfit for use due to the selfish attitude of certain members of our staff.
If you are unable to clear your *own* rubbish from the canteen table once you have finished your lunch could I ask you cease using the facility with immediate effect?
Could I also ask people keep their feet off the seats? - I think the majority of people would agree they don't want whatever has recently been trod on in the street to appear on the back of their legs.
The minority are blatantly spoiling this facility for the majority and it's unacceptable.
Please start challenging the culprits - between us we can ensure we have an acceptable level of cleanliness in this area.
Thank you in anticipation for your support.


----------



## Badgers (Dec 31, 2012)

colbhoy said:
			
		

> Please start challenging the culprits - between us we can ensure we have an acceptable level of cleanliness in this area.
> Thank you in anticipation for your support.



Grassing  

I like the 'anticipation of support' though


----------



## colbhoy (Dec 31, 2012)

colbhoy said:


> Please start challenging the culprits - between us we can ensure we have an acceptable level of cleanliness in this area.


 
Almost amounts to supporting fighting in the canteen!


----------



## Corax (Dec 31, 2012)

colbhoy said:


> Dear All
> It has once again been brought to my attention, and rightly so, that the canteen is unfit for use due to the selfish attitude of certain members of our staff.
> If you are unable to clear your *own* rubbish from the canteen table once you have finished your lunch could I ask you cease using the facility with immediate effect?
> Could I also ask people keep their feet off the seats? - I think the majority of people would agree they don't want whatever has recently been trod on in the street to appear on the back of their legs.
> ...


That's not a bad effort tbh.  Not half as snotty as many on here have been.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 2, 2013)

This email was sent to the whole site after an incident now known as Lunchgate:



> Today there was a lunch order for outside customer delivered by XXX and put on tables outside Conference Rooms at XXXX Bulding.
> 
> UNFORTUNATELY this lunch was eaten by other persons. This therefore means that the people this was intended for were left without food which has caused considerable embarrassment all round for those involved.
> 
> ...


----------



## sorearm (Jan 3, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> This email was sent to the whole site after an incident now known as Lunchgate:


 
Lunchgate, love that phrase!


----------



## ElizabethofYork (Jan 3, 2013)

I love the phrase "unless instructed to do so" ....!

Can you be "instructed" to eat at work?


----------



## killer b (Jan 3, 2013)

hm, i'm in the position of having to send one of these emails after coming back from the hols to find there'd been a rat visit (encouraged no doubt by my colleagues careless attitude to disposal of leftovers and cleaning of dishes).

should i post it here for improvements before it goes?


----------



## Corax (Jan 3, 2013)

killer b said:


> hm, i'm in the position of having to send one of these emails after coming back from the hols to find there'd been a rat visit (encouraged no doubt by my colleagues careless attitude to disposal of leftovers and cleaning of dishes).
> 
> should i post it here for improvements before it goes?


Yes!

Is it possible to craft a non-wanky scolding email?  I doubt it tbh, but we can try...


----------



## killer b (Jan 3, 2013)

oh, i don't want it non-wanky...


----------



## 8115 (Jan 3, 2013)

killer b said:


> oh, i don't want it non-wanky...


 
Don't stint on the exclamation marks 

Have a "catchy" subject line.  Maybe a rat pun.


----------



## killer b (Jan 3, 2013)

here's the first draft:



> Colleagues –
> 
> We seem to have had a visit from some rats over the holidays - I have just spent the last two hours scrubbing rat faeces out of every corner of the kitchen, and thrown away any opened food packages which may have attracted them in the first place.
> 
> ...


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 3, 2013)

killer b said:


> I have just spent the last two hours scrubbing rat faeces out of every corner of the kitchen


 
I like that you got the passive-aggressive martyr bit in before the first fullstop - shows promise


----------



## killer b (Jan 3, 2013)

i thought it was a nice touch.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jan 3, 2013)

not enough

random capitalisation, use of quote marks as emphasis or exclamation marks


----------



## killer b (Jan 3, 2013)

do i need a reference to disciplinary procedures in there somewhere, or is that too strong?


----------



## 8115 (Jan 3, 2013)

killer b said:


> do i need a reference to disciplinary procedures in there somewhere, or is that too strong?


 
I would make the instructions about what to do stronger actually, sounds like you are a bit take it or leave it.  And a rat invasion is pretty serious.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 3, 2013)

Can we replace 'Colleagues' with a more cuddly-crackpot-on-the-precipice sort of salutation? More middle-management-on-the-verge-of-a-nervous-breakdown is required, I think.

Maybe:



> HEY GUYS!!!


 
...or perhaps:



> YO DIRTBAGS (LOL) no but seriously PEOPLE:


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jan 3, 2013)

can you embed this in the e-mail?


----------



## Corax (Jan 3, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> I like that you got the passive-aggressive martyr bit in before the first fullstop - shows promise


Not nearly enough martyrishness IMO.  Killer B should document his selfless efforts in _*far*_ more detail.


----------



## existentialist (Jan 3, 2013)

killer b said:


> _ (and the repeated pleasure of removing rat waste from your teacups)_


I liked this bit. It is a blatant appeal to the self-interest and disgust reaction in all parties.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 3, 2013)

Corax said:


> Not nearly enough martyrishness IMO. Killer B should document his selfless efforts in _*far*_ more detail.


He does go on to detail his further single-handed rodentocidal activities, and includes  three further uses of 'I'. Not a bad start


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 3, 2013)

existentialist said:


> I liked this bit. It is a blatant appeal to the self-interest and disgust reaction in all parties.


How about tying that together with an attention-grabbing subject line?



> SUBJECT: No that's not brown sugar in the bottom of your mug... *** RAT INFESTATION IN KITCHENETTE ***


----------



## Corax (Jan 3, 2013)

BTW - I assume it will be sent in Comic Sans?


----------



## killer b (Jan 3, 2013)

i think it need more brackets. can't believe i actually removed some for the sake of clarity. what was i thinking?!!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 3, 2013)

Corax said:


> BTW - I assume it will be sent in Comic Sans?


Some Rat Paws dingbats (in sewage-tinted taupe ink ?) at top and bottom might be a nice touch.


----------



## killer b (Jan 3, 2013)

i cycled to wickes in the rain to get the rat poison btw - should that go in?


----------



## Schmetterling (Jan 3, 2013)

killer b said:


> here's the first draft:


 
I am *very* disappointed in you - and the rest of the posters - there has been no reference to UB40 yet! Very disappointed! Bitterly!


----------



## Corax (Jan 3, 2013)

killer b said:


> i cycled to wickes in the rain to get the rat poison btw - should that go in?


Absobloodylutely.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 3, 2013)

killer b said:


> i think it need more brackets. can't believe i actually removed some for the sake of clarity. what was i thinking?!!


 
See if you can get a six-line first paragraph, with dashes, semi-colons and at least two flavours of parenthesis; and then repeat the same information in slightly different but angrier words in another two paragraphs either side of the bulleted list. And mind you get a suitably incongruous image for the bullet-points.


----------



## 8115 (Jan 3, 2013)

Puddy_Tat said:


> can you embed this in the e-mail?


 
Not enough likes.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 3, 2013)

killer b said:


> i cycled to wickes in the rain to get the rat poison btw - should that go in?


Don't forget to mention how you paid for it out of your own pocket!!!


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jan 3, 2013)

Corax said:


> BTW - I assume it will be sent in Comic Sans?


 
and in green text


----------



## killer b (Jan 3, 2013)

sadly i'll be sending it using the office internal messaging system, which has limited formatting options. 

I might print out a copy for the kitchen noticeboard though?


----------



## Glitter (Jan 3, 2013)

I like the phrases 'recent rat activity' and 'expired rodents'


----------



## killer b (Jan 3, 2013)

Glitter said:


> I like the phrases 'recent rat activity' and '*expired rodents*'


i was thinking i could go off on some pythonesque dead parrot riff around here, but couldn't work out how to shoehorn it in.


----------



## Schmetterling (Jan 3, 2013)

And it must contain a quip on you sending a sepa-RAT *wink wink* email later on....


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jan 3, 2013)

killer b said:


> I might print out a copy for the kitchen noticeboard though?


 
attach a real rat in that case?


----------



## tufty79 (Jan 10, 2013)

> The last time I look in the fridge I had some fruits and, now they have disappeared.  Whoever disposed of them needed to have asked who they belonged to and,  if they have been eaten, should not eat what does not belong to them.


um.. oops.


----------



## ringo (Jan 14, 2013)

Double whammy today - Office Manager didn't like someone else doing her moaning, so jumped straight in with some quality poor English. Love the cliff hanger.

Microwaves
Hi all,
*** and I have just cleaned the microwaves because they were revolting.
Please use a lid or plate when warming food.
rgds

RE: Microwaves
While we’re on this topic – the fridges are smelling pretty rotten as foods are being left in them uncovered/unpackaged. When those foods are then left to go off and not put in the bin....


----------



## Me76 (Jan 18, 2013)

My turn to have to send one. My caretaker spent all of last week sorting out the shit hole that was our stationery cupboard and on Monday it was immaculate. Already, some twats have trashed one of the shelves.



> Some of you will have noticed the transformation that has happened in the stationery cupboard. Thanks go to xxx for his hard work.
> 
> 
> I ask that you respect the effort that has taken place and put things back where you find them in order to keep the cupboard in a state which means everyone will easily be able to find what they are looking for.


----------



## mrs quoad (Jan 22, 2013)

I will admit this is not scolding. But I quite liked the recruitment angle:



> We’re looking for eager individuals to become trained Sexperts...
> 
> What do Sexperts do?
> 
> After an afternoon’s training on STI’s, HIV, consent and confidentiality, Sexperts will be able to coordinate a Chlamydia Screening Drive within their own college, faculty or society which should only involve securing a location, promoting the event, dispensing and then collecting, the self testing kits which will be given to them. Running this sort of event can be done in coordination with other events, charity fundraising, a general welfare event, or any other way you think of!


 
You could become the public face of chlamydia testing for your college 

*And* get to call yourself a Sexpert in the process


----------



## ringo (Jan 23, 2013)

Somebody, I'm guessing the office manager who usually sends scolding emails, removed this from the fridge over xmas and it has been sitting on the kitchen work top ever since. 
Mebbe they're hoping someone will claim it, but really I hope they're working themselves up to a monumental, poorly punctuated and self righteous scolding email


----------



## Mumbles274 (Jan 24, 2013)

Had this in my inbox this morning, oh how I laughed 

Dear colleagues,
I hope the title didn't excite anyone but I just wanted to let you know that I have made a decision to throw away the cake that was in the fridge in the ******* office.  In case you think it might be your cake, it was a deep sponge cake approximately 8 inches, by 8 inches by 6 inches deep.  It was covered in pink/orange icing and green, furry mould.

If it was your, cake I am willing to replace the mould and the fur, but not the cake.


----------



## 8115 (Jan 27, 2013)

We had scolding/ educational notices around the place at work.  One said "Blah blah blah" and the last line was "It's an easy job, don't make it difficult".  I think I will store this classic up for future use.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 27, 2013)

Every month there's a new poster up around the place reminding us to follow safety stuff in the work place. This month they've used an image from an old Western film and without exception everyone has said 'Are we supposed to be a bunch of cowboys?' .

Made of fail.


----------



## existentialist (Jan 27, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> Every month there's a new poster up around the place reminding us to follow safety stuff in the work place. This month they've used an image from an old Western film and without exception everyone has said 'Are we supposed to be a bunch of cowboys?' .
> 
> Made of fail.


Such posters are just begging for, ah, "informal updating" aka graffiti...

Not least, a picture of "pale rider" era Clint Eastwood, looking laconic.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Feb 6, 2013)

"
Dear Colleagues,

Until our Islington council bin bags arrive from Islington Council, please can you for the meantime simply tie up your rubbish bags and I will dispose of them on Thursday &/or Friday morning.

Finally, we are really disappointed that after all our hard work we are faced with this _(see attached*)_…..!   And it’s now broken!

If you don’t know where something goes, how something works or you break something, please ask &/or let us know.  We are still trying to iron out the last bits and bobs of the move, so please bear with us.

Regards,

Deanna & Helen _(hopefully Helen can fix the bin)"_



_*picture of broken bin._


----------



## lizzieloo (Feb 6, 2013)

http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/the-26-funniest-responses-to-passive-aggressive-notes


----------



## Corax (Feb 6, 2013)

lizzieloo said:


> http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/the-26-funniest-responses-to-passive-aggressive-notes


Vince?  I'm imagining a mafiosa hit man with a flick knife.  I wouldn't be messin'...


----------



## Corax (Feb 6, 2013)

lizzieloo said:


> http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/the-26-funniest-responses-to-passive-aggressive-notes








Perhaps the 'management' should also consider posting in something other than Comic Fucking Sans.


----------



## stuff_it (Feb 6, 2013)

lizzieloo said:


> http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/the-26-funniest-responses-to-passive-aggressive-notes


Surely that's just an invitation for people who weren't putting bread in the loo to bring a loaf in each day as well.


----------



## lazythursday (Feb 12, 2013)

Oh joy, I have something to submit:



> During my checks this week i randomly checked the cleanliness of the mini busses.
> 
> I found the new mini bus REG NUMBER had not been swept out after its last journey.  There were crisp packets and
> 
> ...


----------



## rubbershoes (Feb 13, 2013)

I'd be tempted to get my red pen out on the punctuation in that note.


----------



## lazythursday (Feb 13, 2013)

Alas it was an email rather than a pinned up note. Perhaps I should respond with an all-employee email with patient step-by-step instructions on how to turn on spell checking, but I fear this would not cope with Random Capitalisation and bizarre line breakage. To be fair this has come from a junior member of staff who may well have a poor educational background so I feel half-guilty for finding it reprehensible.


----------



## BoatieBird (Feb 13, 2013)

I particularly liked the random capitalisation of Unacceptable, in my mind this is a little bit worse than unacceptable, but not quite as bad as UNACCEPTABLE


----------



## Me76 (Feb 13, 2013)

BoatieBird said:


> I particularly liked the random capitalisation of Unacceptable, in my mind this is a little bit worse than unacceptable, but not quite as bad as UNACCEPTABLE


this was my thought exactly 

I sent one about cornflakes the other day. Being an office manager is horrible sometimes.


----------



## ash (Feb 13, 2013)

Email received today:
'A number of you have commented that it would be good to agree common standards of “office etiquette”. As a result we will be holding an open house meeting on Mon 25th February from 09.00-11.00, this will be an opportunity for the staff to give some feedback on what you think the top five office problems/issues are and how best to improve them.'

Tee hee


----------



## Corax (Feb 13, 2013)

Me76 said:


> this was my thought exactly
> 
> I sent one about cornflakes the other day. Being an office manager is horrible sometimes.


I'm not even an office manager, but I confess I stuck up an office kitchen notice the other day. I bought a dozen teaspoons recently as we were short, and they almost all instantly vanished. I put a notice up asking people not to hoard them in their offices so that we didn't have to stir our coffee with pens and twigs. I hindsight, I wish I'd done it in Comic Sans, with clipart.


----------



## existentialist (Feb 14, 2013)

I find one of the most rewarding ways of responding to passive aggressive bollocks like


> I have swept and mopped the vehicle and plugged the seatbelts in the correct position ready for its next Journey.


is to completely fail to take the hint, and play it back with a very straight bat.


> Excellent! I am sure you are doing a far better job of making sure the vehicle is prepped for the next user than leaving it to the last user would be, and from the attention to detail and care your email demonstrates, I can see you take great pride in your work. I think we can all use the minibus with that much more satisfaction knowing that it is being cared for quite so professionally. Thank you.


 
They may well stalk you with knives, but it'll be fun while it lasts. Nobody should *ever* get away with passive aggressiveness in office emails.


----------



## existentialist (Feb 14, 2013)

Corax said:


> I'm not even an office manager, but I confess I stuck up an office kitchen notice the other day. I bought a dozen teaspoons recently as we were short, and they almost all instantly vanished. I put a notice up asking people not to hoard them in their offices so that we didn't have to stir our coffee with pens* and twigs*. I hindsight, I wish I'd done it in Comic Sans, with clipart.


Nice touch on the twigs thing.

Also, I think all scolding emails should be sure to refer to the writer as "myself", too, and where referring to oneself and others, to reverse the usual rules of etiquette that puts the others first, thus: "Myself and my fellow passive aggressives..."


----------



## lazythursday (Feb 14, 2013)

The kitchen situation deteriorated to such a point at my current place of work that all plates, cutlery etc were actually thrown away by the main email scolder. There are now jealously hoarded forks and spoons, and occasionally someone who has bought in soup having a meltdown trying to use a spoon fashioned from cardboard.


----------



## ringo (Feb 14, 2013)

You'll have to imagine the images attached to this one.

Subject: The Final Straw

<IMAGE: text "We have a situation on our hands">


Hi All,

Crockery and cutlery are provided here on the first floor of Innovation, for communal use and ought to be washed after use in readiness for the next person who might want to use it/them. These items are repeatedly left in and beside the sink unwashed. If you do not have time to wash the item you use, it ought to remain at your desk until such time that you are able to do so.

*Going forward, any item of cutlery or crockery left in or beside the sink dirty will be thrown in the bin *(whether purchased by the University or not).

Crockery and cutlery will not be replaced once these supplies have depleted.

I would thank you all to make a conscious effort to clean up after yourselves.

Thank you,

**********

<IMAGE: A medal with a hand holding a straw and text "THE FINAL STRAW">
<IMAGE: A camel with a straw hovering above its back>


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 14, 2013)

ringo : a masterpiece indeed 

I wouldn't have used 'ought' though, makes it sound like washing things up is optional.


----------



## ringo (Feb 15, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> ringo : a masterpiece indeed
> 
> I wouldn't have used 'ought' though, makes it sound like washing things up is optional.


 
I'll tell her 
Obviously I won't, she has what is termed in the office as "the circle of hate". Once you enter it you can never escape, so I keep my distance


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 15, 2013)

Ah yes, I'm moving desk on Monday next to our office's very own hate-circler. Fortunately she's moving desk later in the week herself.


----------



## fucthest8 (Feb 15, 2013)

I'll be totally honest, I sent this one 


*Subject* *:* Guess who's back, back again?

Yes, it’s the Kitchen Nazi. Having just removed all the mouldy things from the fridge and the butter covered knives from the sink, thought it was time for a new order.

We’re a small company and during the day no-one but US is going to clear up. Which means if YOU aren’t clearing up your own stuff, you expect one of the rest of us to do it for you. That’s just rude.

1.       Teaspoons. Clean them off and put them in the plastic drainer with the bowl uppermost and the handle down (the bowl is the curved bit that isn’t the handle). If you’ve got time to make a hot beverage, you’ve got time to wash the spoon. You could even go mad and dry it, then put it back in the drawer.

2.       *ALL* other dirty cutlery goes in the dishwasher. If you aren’t sure where the dishwasher is/how to open it, please do let me know. *HINT* if you open the dishwasher and it’s full of clean things … take the clean things out before you start loading dirty things.

3.       *ALL* dirty dishes, plates, mugs, bowls, cups, glasses and jugs go in the dishwasher. If you aren’t sure where the dishwasher is/how to open it, please do let me know. *HINT* if you open the dishwasher and it’s full of clean things … take the clean things out before you start loading dirty things.

4.       Try to remove your own stuff from the fridge before it starts oozing over other peoples lunches. Things that are way past the use by date will be summarily removed regardless.

Show a little respect for your co-workers and clean up your own mess. Please feel free to forward this to any of the new starters who may not be on the distribution list.

Oh and bonus points if you can spot the music references ;-)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

It worked. Makes me grin every time I walk in the kitchen and ALL the spoons are bowl up in the drainer. Baaaaa.


----------



## Geri (Feb 15, 2013)

For now.


----------



## fucthest8 (Feb 15, 2013)

For 6 months


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 15, 2013)

Love it, fucthest8


----------



## ajdown (Feb 19, 2013)

Just had one round from our regular whinger.

"Whoever it is please stop over filling the kettles."

So I replied to all saying "and don't leave them empty either".

Might as well wind up in response...


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 19, 2013)

fucthest8 said:


> I'll be totally honest, I sent this one



1. I approve of the overall message 
2. I approve of the 'spoons go bowl up' sentiment (though I think you need to add that all cutlery EXCEPT SHARP KNIVES should go handle down)
3. I approve that two of your points are essentially the same thing


----------



## Drei (Feb 19, 2013)

Donna Ferentes said:


> I wrote one once after somebody kept drinking my milk. It went something like:
> 
> _Before drinking the milk in the fridge from the carton marked Donna, please check that your name is, in fact, Donna. Somebody has been drinking from it under the apparent impression that their name is Donna, which surprises me as to my knowledge I am in fact the only Donna working here. If you are not sure what your name is, please check with a friend beforehand. Thank you. _


I was once told the best way to tackle this, is to label the milk as Breast milk.


----------



## existentialist (Feb 19, 2013)

I got fed up with people pinching my mug. I got a rank tin one, but even that didn't work until I wrote "Property of AIDS department, St Marys Hospital, Paddington" on it, at which point it was always available for my use.


----------



## tufty79 (Feb 26, 2013)

"subject : to whoever ate my fruit loaf

message: watch your back"


----------



## Schmetterling (Feb 26, 2013)

tufty79 said:


> "subject : to whoever ate my fruit loaf
> 
> message: watch your back"


----------



## laptop (Feb 26, 2013)

existentialist said:


> I got fed up with people pinching my mug. I got a rank tin one, but even that didn't work until I wrote "Property of AIDS department, St Marys Hospital, Paddington" on it, at which point it was always available for my use.


 


I have in the past found that wandering down to Oxford Street at lunchtime and obtaining the tackiest of the many tacky tourist mugs on offer gives me unchallenged ownership of the result.


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Feb 26, 2013)

tufty79 said:


> "subject : to whoever ate my fruit loaf
> 
> message: watch your back"


Eating someone's fruit loaf is, frankly, unforgiveable and punishable by the loss of at least two fingers or an ear!


----------



## moose (Feb 27, 2013)

Two new informative notices have gone up today


----------



## Lixer (Feb 27, 2013)

Eat by date....


----------



## mrs quoad (Feb 27, 2013)

Corax said:


> I'm not even an office manager, but I confess I stuck up an office kitchen notice the other day. I bought a dozen teaspoons recently as we were short, and they almost all instantly vanished. I put a notice up asking people not to hoard them in their offices so that we didn't have to stir our coffee with pens and twigs. I hindsight, I wish I'd done it in Comic Sans, with clipart.


*http://www.bmj.com/content/331/7531/1498*




			
				British Medical Journal (BMJ) said:
			
		

> *The case of the disappearing teaspoons: longitudinal cohort study of the displacement of teaspoons in an Australian research institute*
> *Abstract*
> 
> *Objectives* To determine the overall rate of loss of workplace teaspoons and whether attrition and displacement are correlated with the relative value of the teaspoons or type of tearoom.
> ...


 
(The full article is well worth a read.)


----------



## ash (Feb 28, 2013)

I know the translation/language  has an effect on the message but I had to chuckle at the 'ongoing practice' .  It put me off entering the water closet !!


----------



## Me76 (Feb 28, 2013)

moose said:


> Two new informative notices have gone up today
> 
> View attachment 29493


 
Lots of people bring in mugs from home at my place, both to use themselves and to donate to the cupboard.   When I give a new starter the walk around, I tell them that any mug in the cupboard is fair game, and that if someone is precious enough about their mug then they will wash it and keep it on their desk. 

My CE was not too pleased when I told her this the other day when her mug went missing.


----------



## moose (Mar 1, 2013)

Something about that sign made me steal and hide 10 mugs today.


----------



## salem (Mar 1, 2013)

fucthest8 said:


> 1.       Teaspoons. Clean them off and put them in the plastic drainer with the bowl uppermost and the handle down (the bowl is the curved bit that isn’t the handle). If you’ve got time to make a hot beverage, you’ve got time to wash the spoon. You could even go mad and dry it, then put it back in the drawer.



I don't get the 'bowl' down bit. What's the practical reason for that? Wouldn't it be better if people didn't have to fondle the 'bowl' in order to get a spoon out.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 1, 2013)

salem said:


> I don't get the 'bowl' down bit. What's the practical reason for that? Wouldn't it be better if people didn't have to fondle the 'bowl' in order to get a spoon out.


Do you have sausage fingers or something?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 1, 2013)

moose said:


> Two new informative notices have gone up today
> 
> View attachment 29492



Do you work at a greengrocers?


----------



## moose (Mar 2, 2013)

I wish - they'd have a better grasp of punctuation.


----------



## Enviro (Mar 19, 2013)

I had to send this out because no-one would admit to it:



> Afternoon all,
> 
> 
> It’s come to my attention that someone has deposited unwrapped chewed gum in one of the small holders between the seats in the work van.
> ...


 
Have I become 'one of them' ?!


----------



## joustmaster (Mar 19, 2013)

Enviro said:


> I had to send this out because no-one would admit to it:
> 
> 
> 
> Have I become 'one of them' ?!


Needs more exclamation marks


----------



## equationgirl (Mar 22, 2013)

And clip art.


----------



## AKA pseudonym (Mar 22, 2013)

My first!


----------



## no-no (Mar 22, 2013)

Base?


----------



## el-ahrairah (Mar 22, 2013)

mid morning crack break.


----------



## AKA pseudonym (Mar 22, 2013)

no-no said:


> Base?


Its a 'depot' who allow access to make brews for a soup run... Cool space like a stoned United Nations!


----------



## Schmetterling (Mar 23, 2013)

Oh My God!  Not an 'Attentional'!


----------



## Radar (Mar 26, 2013)

I love that it's not the fact someone was having a toke, but that they were having one before 10am


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Mar 26, 2013)

ringo said:


> You'll have to imagine the images attached to this one.
> 
> Subject: The Final Straw
> 
> ...


 
To be honest, if your innovation department struggle with a lack of crockery and cutlery, they  may wish to question whether their department has the correct name.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 26, 2013)

el-ahrairah said:


> mid morning crack break.


Well, it is the drug you can smoke between meals


----------



## stuff_it (Apr 17, 2013)

Student halls, not office..but...


----------



## purenarcotic (Apr 17, 2013)

I am so glad I no longer live in halls.


----------



## Kidda (Apr 18, 2013)

stuff_it said:


> View attachment 31531View attachment 31530 Student halls, not office..but...
> 
> View attachment 31530


 
Your living with cockroaches. Ugh. I'd be just as pissed off. I'd be writing notes with a flame thrower.


----------



## skyscraper101 (Apr 18, 2013)

who vacums up vomit. Eugh.


----------



## UnderAnOpenSky (Apr 18, 2013)

skyscraper101 said:


> who vacums up vomit. Eugh.



Drunk people 

I did it once and the smell never left the vacuum


----------



## pinched_nerve (Apr 19, 2013)

After skimming a bit of this thread I'm not even completely sure there would be a consensus on whether or not shitting on the bog seats was okay


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 20, 2013)

pinched_nerve said:


> After skimming a bit of this thread I'm not even completely sure there would be a consensus on whether or not shitting on the bog seats was okay


It's never ok


----------



## pinched_nerve (Apr 23, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> It's never ok



I agree with you, for the record  I've found smears of crap on toilet seats in my last 2 jobs though, so there are obviously some filthy fuckers that don't think it's a big deal.


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 23, 2013)

pinched_nerve said:


> I agree with you, for the record  I've found smears of crap on toilet seats in my last 2 jobs though, so there are obviously some filthy fuckers that don't think it's a big deal.


Yuck.


----------



## pinched_nerve (Apr 23, 2013)

Yeah, I struggle with the mindset where just leaving it there is a valid option.


----------



## Sapphireblue (Apr 30, 2013)

proper-LOL-ing at my desk at this email about our useless documentation tool:


Hi,

I’ve been doing a lot of analysis into <tool> work flows recently and have found a new proactive way for IT to find WorkFlows that are in a state that isn’t flowing correctly.
From this IT will be proactively digging deep into common issues and we have been actively working with the vendor to improve robustness of the WorkFlows.

One of the things that will enable IT to work in a more proactive manner is if you can stop and archive any workflows that aren’t needed. This also helps with the performance of the system.

*Please can you open the attached file and filter on your name and stop and archive any workflows that you don’t need anymore.*

My team are going to proactively work through this list to resolve these, however please raise a ticket in the service tool if you want to track the issue with your workflow or have any other issues with <tool>

Thanks in advance


followed by:


Please ignore the email I sent about half an hour ago. It’s become apparent I made a mistake and the list is overstating the number of currently broken workflows by a huge amount.
A large proportion of those workflows are not currently active.

My apologies



from a Director. ffs. a bit too proactive i think!


----------



## sojourner (May 13, 2013)

I did one! Scolding email to the dirty bastards using the blokes bogs downstairs, and not only blocking it loads with bog paper, but filling the corridor with the most god-awful stench known to fucking man  :

Dear All 

There have been a number of occasions in the last couple of months whereby the ground floor gents WC has been blocked up, which has resulted in an over-flowing toilet and increasing plumbing bills. The WC is currently out of action yet again, and I am awaiting a plumber to call and resolve the problem.  This will now be tomorrow as he cannot call today - please refrain from using the ground floor WC, and use the first floor WC instead. 

This is a situation which I believe could be avoided if a little care and consideration were taken in toilet hygiene, together with an understanding and appreciation of the physical capacity of a U-bend. 

Many thanks


----------



## Me76 (May 13, 2013)

sojourner said:


> I did one! Scolding email to the dirty bastards using the blokes bogs downstairs, and not only blocking it loads with bog paper, but filling the corridor with the most god-awful stench known to fucking man  :
> 
> Dear All
> 
> ...


----------



## colacubes (May 13, 2013)

That is priceless Soj


----------



## sojourner (May 13, 2013)

Ta  I've been trying for ages to think of a way to articulate 'please stop using half a fucking bog roll every time you have a shit' - reckon that'll do the job, hurhur


----------



## May Kasahara (May 13, 2013)

I miss office scolding emails  Getting a ticking off from the kids just isn't the same.

Perhaps I'll post up some pictures of the insane proliferation of signs in the hall I use for toddler group. The church people who own it are rather mental and there are signs everywhere, for everything. Including a plea from Henry the Hoover not to store him with his hose attached - it kinks, apparently


----------



## Corax (May 13, 2013)

sojourner said:


> Ta  I've been trying for ages to think of a way to articulate 'please stop using half a fucking bog roll every time you have a shit' - reckon that'll do the job, hurhur


You didn't address the smell.  Follow it up with some dietary advice.


----------



## laptop (May 13, 2013)

sojourner said:


> I did one! Scolding email to the dirty bastards using the blokes bogs downstairs, and not only blocking it loads with bog paper, but filling the corridor with the most god-awful stench known to fucking man  :
> 
> Dear All
> 
> ...


 
That "whereby" shows a fine appreciation of the genre (as very, very distinct from literary English)


----------



## stuff_it (May 13, 2013)

Kidda said:


> Your living with cockroaches. Ugh. I'd be just as pissed off. I'd be writing notes with a flame thrower.


I don't live in those halls, it's some of the private ones up the way.


----------



## twentythreedom (May 13, 2013)

moose said:


> I wish - they'd have a better grasp of punctuation.


 

Eta oh a bit late


----------



## Ted Striker (May 15, 2013)




----------



## teuchter (May 15, 2013)

^ Cowardly final line.


----------



## Schmetterling (May 15, 2013)

teuchter said:


> ^ Cowardly final line.


Yep; caved in didn't she? Tidied up before she left the house.


----------



## teuchter (May 15, 2013)

It's no wonder the kids are out of control.


----------



## May Kasahara (May 15, 2013)

May Kasahara said:


> Perhaps I'll post up some pictures of the insane proliferation of signs in the hall I use for toddler group. The church people who own it are rather mental and there are signs everywhere, for everything. Including a plea from Henry the Hoover not to store him with his hose attached - it kinks, apparently


 
Here's one that made me snort today. Well, it is a church hall.


----------



## sojourner (May 15, 2013)

Oh my fucking GOD. I would have to leave a note back, with every.single.typo.corrected   (and a comedy pic of some big norks, obv)


----------



## equationgirl (May 15, 2013)

Lever a note? How do you lever a note?


----------



## Schmetterling (May 17, 2013)

I thought it was going to be breast double entendre.  Am disappointed.


----------



## ringo (May 17, 2013)




----------



## teuchter (May 30, 2013)

Not office, but scolding. From my local pharmacy.


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 30, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> Lever a note? How do you lever a note?


Gently, with a cardboard jemmy.


----------



## Artaxerxes (May 30, 2013)

ringo said:


> snip - Pic


 
Mummy will clean it up after me?


----------



## el-ahrairah (May 31, 2013)

"
Dear all,
Unfortunately the tea bag fairy has gone on strike due to bad working conditions – could the person/persons who keep leaving used bags in the sink please just move their body to the left approximately 50 cm’s and place them in the other silver item in the kitchen… The BIN!

Thanks


_Helen (The stand in tea bag fairy!)_
"

not a bad example.  sarcasm, imaginary cleaning sprites, odd fonts.  lacks a good punchline though.


----------



## Wilf (May 31, 2013)

el-ahrairah said:


> "
> – could the person/persons who keep leaving used bags in the sink please just move their body to the left approximately 50 cm’s and place them in the other silver item in the kitchen… The BIN!
> .


If I can ever summon the courage, I'll relay this good advice to my partner.


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 31, 2013)

ONe can lever note...


----------



## equationgirl (May 31, 2013)

el-ahrairah said:


> "
> Dear all,
> Unfortunately the tea bag fairy has gone on strike due to bad working conditions – could the person/persons who keep leaving used bags in the sink please just move their body to the left approximately 50 cm’s and place them in the other silver item in the kitchen… The BIN!
> 
> ...


 
Not forgetting the inappropriate apostrophe - '50 cm's'


----------



## Corax (May 31, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> Not forgetting the inappropriate apostrophe - '50 cm's'


 
That's a debatable one tbh.  Apostrophes to indicate the structure of abbreviations are generally accepted.


----------



## kabbes (Jun 1, 2013)

What's wrong with "50cm"?


----------



## Corax (Jun 1, 2013)

kabbes said:


> What's wrong with "50cm"?


 
Nothing! But if you're going to pluralise an abbreviation like "cm", then clarifying the structure with an apostrophe before the "s" is generally acceptable I think.  I've googled it extensively in the past because I wasn't sure myself.


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 1, 2013)

Corax said:


> Nothing! But if you're going to pluralise an abbreviation like "cm", then clarifying the structure with an apostrophe before the "s" is generally acceptable I think. I've googled it extensively in the past because I wasn't sure myself.


 
Surely it's 50cm or 50cms if an s must be used. There's no apostrophe because it's a plural not a possessive.


----------



## Corax (Jun 1, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> Surely it's 50cm or 50cms if an s must be used. There's no apostrophe *because it's a plural not a possessive*.


 
Like I said - "clarifying the structure with an apostrophe before the "s" is generally acceptable" - from what I've read... In addition to possessives and missing letters (not sure where your plurals come in to this...?), it's apparently an additional function.

Only from what I've googled though, so...


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jun 1, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> Not forgetting the inappropriate apostrophe - '50 cm's'


 
i love it when you're pedantic


----------



## Miss Caphat (Jun 1, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> Lever a note? How do you lever a note?


 

well obvs if you BRAKE one you really should (lever a note that is)


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Jun 1, 2013)

kabbes is right - you don't pluralise a unit. Otherwise every use of cm apart from 1cm would be cms. If the whole word were used, you would pluralise that.


----------



## Miss Caphat (Jun 1, 2013)

ringo said:


>


 

I did what? 


also, '_learnt'? _
_ _


----------



## joustmaster (Jun 1, 2013)

Miss Caphat said:


> I did what?
> 
> 
> also, '_learnt'? _
> _ _


 
what's wrong with learnt?


----------



## Miss Caphat (Jun 1, 2013)

joustmaster said:


> what's wrong with learnt?


 

oh, ok, had to google. It's considered incorrect grammar/ slang here in the US but seems like it's perfectly fine in the UK. sorry, as you were.


----------



## Corax (Jun 1, 2013)

FridgeMagnet said:


> kabbes is right - you don't pluralise a unit. Otherwise every use of cm apart from 1cm would be cms. If the whole word were used, you would pluralise that.


 
So the "s" is incorrect I'll give you - but the apostrophe isn't.


----------



## ringo (Jun 1, 2013)

Artaxerxes said:


> Mummy will clean it up after me?


 

Odd innit


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Jun 1, 2013)

Corax said:


> So the "s" is incorrect I'll give you - but the apostrophe isn't.



You wouldn't write 50cm' or 50c'm - so the apostrophe is utterly wrong. And the note is wanky. I want to put used tea bags all over Helen's desk and into her handbag.


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 1, 2013)

You don't need an apostrophe for an abbreviation, especially not for units


----------



## Corax (Jun 1, 2013)

> *3. Sometimes to indicate the structure of unusual words.*
> 
> A few words are sufficiently confusing that we want to indicate to the reader how the word is constructed. The apostrophe can be used for this if it is really necessary, but mostly it isn't.
> 
> ...


 
It's just a language website rather than some sort of major authority, but still.


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 1, 2013)

Corax said:


> It's just a language website rather than some sort of major authority, but still.


Is it a UK website or an American one?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jun 1, 2013)

CM is short for centimetre or centimetres. Helen has written centimetres's. Cos she's the sort of twat who gets her knickers in a twist over a couple of soggy old teabags.


----------



## kabbes (Jun 1, 2013)

FridgeMagnet said:


> kabbes is right.


 


FridgeMagnet said:


> kabbes is right.


 


FridgeMagnet said:


> kabbes is right.


 
Yeahman


----------



## teuchter (Jun 3, 2013)

People who use centimetres are either amateurs in the dimensional domain, or foreign. You may choose between 0.5m or 500mm.


----------



## kabbes (Jun 3, 2013)

Or in the domestic arena (including work kitchens), call it 18 inches.


----------



## Lemon Eddy (Jun 3, 2013)

My faith in human nature has been greatly restored by the discovery that office snarking happens even in global terror networks:



> Al-Qaeda's North African branch leaders handed marching orders to one of the most notorious terrorists, Moktar Belmoktar, aka Mr Marlboro. In a letter obtained by AP his bosses complained he never picked up the phone and failed to provide expense reports


----------



## Schmetterling (Jun 5, 2013)

Lemon Eddy said:


> My faith in human nature has been greatly restored by the discovery that office snarking happens even in global terror networks:



Very Three Lions, isn't it?


----------



## killer b (Jun 5, 2013)

Schmetterling said:


> Very Three Lions, isn't it?


 
_global terror network's coming home_?


----------



## Corax (Jun 5, 2013)

killer b said:


> _global terror network's coming home_?


 
It _was_ four, but then the guy above got sacked off.


----------



## Schmetterling (Jun 5, 2013)

Fuck Mini Babybells.

Of; course, four!


----------



## May Kasahara (Jun 5, 2013)

ringo said:


>


 
"DESTROYYYYYYYYY"


----------



## moonsi til (Jun 6, 2013)

Schmetterling said:


> Fuck Mini Babybells.
> 
> Of; course, four!





Hhhmm I put up a scolding notice on the fridge at work about my babybel being nicked....do you know anything about it?


----------



## Winot (Jun 7, 2013)




----------



## Winot (Jun 7, 2013)

Obligatory use of exclamation mark, underlining and bold; extra points for excellent passive-aggression.


----------



## killer b (Jun 7, 2013)

is scott the writer of the note, or it's target?


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jun 7, 2013)

poor scott, minding his own business and all of a sudden his inbox is full of dirty cutlery.


----------



## Winot (Jun 7, 2013)

killer b said:


> is scott the writer of the note, or it's target?



The writer.


----------



## killer b (Jun 7, 2013)

Winot said:


> The writer.


has anyone called his bluff yet?


----------



## kabbes (Jun 7, 2013)

> Dear all
> 
> On 26th April a letter enclosing a cheque for $100,000 from XXXX was received and signed for at XXXX, however, its whereabouts is unknown.
> 
> ...


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jun 13, 2013)




----------



## stuff_it (Jun 13, 2013)

el-ahrairah said:


>


 
I need this sign for the bogs on my floor of halls. In fact I may well print it out.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jun 14, 2013)

"
Dear All, 

It has come to my attention that some of you are using the paper forms to request annual leave. The paper forms were replaced by the annual leave cards over four years ago and should no longer be used. "

...


----------



## marty21 (Jun 14, 2013)

the old cheque is in the post line


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 15, 2013)

el-ahrairah said:


> "
> Dear All,
> 
> It has come to my attention that some of you are using the paper forms to request annual leave. The paper forms were replaced by the annual leave cards over four years ago and should no longer be used. "
> ...


 
And the difference between the two is what exactly?


----------



## Corax (Jun 15, 2013)

Some of these don't seem very 'scolding' tbh.


----------



## Littlelostlamb (Jun 16, 2013)

el-ahrairah said:


> "
> Dear All,
> 
> It has come to my attention that some of you are using the paper forms to request annual leave. The paper forms were replaced by the annual leave cards over four years ago and should no longer be used. "
> ...


 
What a sinister thing to have come to light


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jun 17, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> And the difference between the two is what exactly?


your guess is as good as mine.

but they were definitely scolding.


----------



## Schmetterling (Jun 22, 2013)

Not scolding but vomit inducing

*From:* Tosser
*Subject:* Re: Breaking the Ice!

Hi All,

Just a quick email to introduce myself to all of you! I have had the pleasure of meeting quite a few of you throughout the last couple of days and would like to thank you all in making me feel a valued member of the team already!

I will now be looking after the HR function on site here at X, and look forward to working with you all closely moving forward to ensure I manage expectations and deliver against any requirements or issues you may have.

Please feel free to speak to me about any concerns or queries you may have – I now have my own office which can be found opposite X’s on the top floor!

Once again thank you for the support I have received so far, and look forward to meeting anyone I have not already met over the next couple of weeks and months.

Kind Regards,

*Tosspot*
*HR Advisor*

________

followed by:

*From:* Tosspot
*Subject:* Re: Extension

Hi Guys,

I am now on Extension 3524 for all HR Related Queries.

Kind Regards,

*Tosspot*
*HR Advisor*


___________

Wanker!


----------



## purenarcotic (Jun 22, 2013)

'moving forward, managing expectations, deliver against requirements' - that bit is just class.  Who knew someone could be brazen enough to put all those cliches in one sentence.


----------



## Radar (Jun 22, 2013)

Schmetterling said:


> Not scolding but vomit inducing
> Wanker!


At least they've outed themselves nice and early. Or you could be being subject to a master class of trolling.


----------



## Schmetterling (Jun 22, 2013)

Radar said:


> *At least they've outed themselves nice and early*. Or you could be being subject to a master class of trolling.



Yep; with the subject line alone!


----------



## existentialist (Jun 22, 2013)

Schmetterling said:


> Yep; with the subject line alone!


I think a response is called for. A response which is laden-to-bursting with cliches, nonsense, spurious exclamation marks and errant commas that only a fool could fail to notice. I confidently predict that this fool will fail to notice


----------



## Corax (Jun 22, 2013)

Schmetterling said:


> look forward to working with you all closely moving forward to ensure I manage expectations and


 
I'm not convinced they understand what this means...


----------



## Schmetterling (Jun 22, 2013)

Blates c&pd from their JD, isn't it?


----------



## Kidda (Jun 22, 2013)

Any one who uses the phrase 'moving forward' should be smacked in the face hard, repeatedly.


----------



## laptop (Jun 23, 2013)

Kidda said:


> Any one who uses the phrase 'moving forward' should be smacked in the face hard, repeatedly.


 
Unless, perhaps, they immediately continue "in several directions at once"


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jun 23, 2013)




----------



## billy_bob (Jun 23, 2013)

purenarcotic said:


> 'moving forward, managing expectations, deliver against requirements' - that bit is just class. Who knew someone could be brazen enough to put all those cliches in one sentence.


 
It's the more subtly irritating 'any issues you _may_ have' that really makes me glad he's not my HR tosspot.  It could only be worse if s/he had added 'please feel free to discuss them with _myself_'.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jun 23, 2013)

The place I worked last Sunday evening had a notice in the karsey along the lines of "please do not STAND on the toilet"

I assume the site management had good reason to post such a notice up.

Am I missing something here?

I mean, do some people really reach adulthood without learning how to use a shithouse?


----------



## UnderAnOpenSky (Jun 23, 2013)

Puddy_Tat said:


> The place I worked last Sunday evening had a notice in the karsey along the lines of "please do not STAND on the toilet"
> 
> I assume the site management had good reason to post such a notice up.
> 
> ...



People from countries with squat toilets?


----------



## ajdown (Jun 28, 2013)

Just had this one round which, although he has a point, did make me smile.  I'm not guilty 


_At the risk of sounding like a nagging parent, could I ask you to either eat what you put in the fridge, take it home or throw it away? It’s not very hygienic to leave your food to slowly turn green amongst everyone else’s stuff. _

_If you have fond memories of eating:_
_·Cottage cheese in mid-May_
_·Baby sweet corn and unidentifiable dip in mid-March (looks like blue cheese now but I suspect it was hummus once)_
_·2 x tubs of butter from spring 2013_
_·Sweet potato, coconut & chilli soup in early March (unopened)_
_…then you’re one of the people I’m talking to now. There was a name written on one of the above, but I won’t shame you here._

_In the future I will ask the cleaner to throw away anything past it’s use by date on a weekly basis. _

_Thanks everyone, Happy Friday!_


----------



## billy_bob (Jun 28, 2013)

ajdown said:


> Just had this one round which, although he has a point, did make me smile. I'm not guilty
> 
> 
> _At the risk of sounding like a nagging parent, could I ask you to either eat what you put in the fridge, take it home or throw it away? It’s not very hygienic to leave your food to slowly turn green amongst everyone else’s stuff. _
> ...


 
OK, blue cheese-coloured humous is a step too far, but only a total twat throws food away as soon as its past its use-by date.


----------



## ajdown (Jun 28, 2013)

I think the aim is to discourage people from leaving stuff in the fridge rather than just leaving it there, then forgetting it when it gets shoved to the back by other people's stuff, for it to start developing its own ecosystem and possibly become an independent life form.


----------



## billy_bob (Jun 28, 2013)

ajdown said:


> I think the aim is to discourage people from leaving stuff in the fridge rather than just leaving it there, then forgetting it when it gets shoved to the back by other people's stuff, for it to start developing its own ecosystem and possibly become an independent life form.


 
A lot of insight into the aims of 'your colleague' there.

Come on, own up - it was you, wasn't it.


----------



## Me76 (Jun 28, 2013)

Fridge maintenance is a nightmare.  As office manager I tend to do a big clear out (with warning) every 3-4 months. Last time was May an some of the things I found weren't very nice at all. In my office people tend to keep things together in carrier bags. There were a few carrier bags that just had mulch in the bottom.


----------



## ajdown (Jun 28, 2013)

Nope definitely not guilty on that account - I never leave stuff in the fridge.


----------



## Meh O'Naise (Jun 28, 2013)

Puddy_Tat said:


> The place I worked last Sunday evening had a notice in the karsey along the lines of "please do not STAND on the toilet".I assume the site management had good reason to post such a notice up.Am I missing something here?


 
Did someone find shoe prints on the toilet ?

I don't think it was someone actually STANDING on the toilet. I think someone did up their shoe laces, surely?


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jun 28, 2013)

Meh O'Naise said:


> Did someone find shoe prints on the toilet ?
> 
> I don't think it was someone actually STANDING on the toilet. I think someone did up their shoe laces, surely?


 
I really don't know.  I'm not a regular there...


----------



## Corax (Jun 28, 2013)

Meh O'Naise said:


> Did someone find shoe prints on the toilet ?
> 
> I don't think it was someone actually STANDING on the toilet. I think someone did up their shoe laces, surely?


 
Depends which way round they were I guess.

If the room has one of those false ceilings, I'd be investigating above the tiles...


----------



## Meh O'Naise (Jun 28, 2013)

Corax said:


> If the room has one of those false ceilings, I'd be investigating above the tiles...


 
I would be too. I suspect there is something stashed up there possibly not entirely legal. Stranger things have been known to happen. One lace I used to work had communal, open to the public toilets ...which had *erm* quantities of drugs stashed above the ceiling tiles where the local junkies used it as a dead drop. Nice.


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Jul 1, 2013)

We got this nice passive-aggressive email round last week:


> Have you parked on site today?  If so, do you have authority to park today (belong to your department rota)?
> Have you parked in our visitors parking?  If so – move your car immediately as this parking is not for staff.
> 
> *If you are not on the parking rota and you are literally taking chances to park on site you are disrespecting our policy and this is totally unacceptable.*
> ...


I like how it transitions seamlessly from parking being "unauthorised" to "illegal".


----------



## Me76 (Jul 16, 2013)

I had to send one (the shame):  



> Dear all
> 
> 
> We seem to be running rather low on cutlery (especially forks).  Please could I ask you to check drawers, desks and other cubby holes and return any Booktrust cutlery to the upstairs kitchen.
> ...


----------



## BoatieBird (Jul 16, 2013)

Surely that last line is asking for trouble Me76


----------



## cesare (Jul 16, 2013)

Just change welcome, for superfluous Me76


----------



## smmudge (Jul 17, 2013)

ugh, ffs



> Hiya
> 
> As today and the next couple of days are expected to be HOT HOT HOT – can we please ask that you don’t fill up any water bottles from the water machine. This is just so that we can keep the temperature of the water nice and icy cold.
> 
> ...


 
 
 (a cup being about 150mls, and the water machine being very far away from most people's desks)


----------



## Me76 (Jul 18, 2013)

smmudge said:


> ugh, ffs
> 
> 
> (a cup being about 150mls, and the water machine being very far away from most people's desks)


 

I would just go and take 4 cups!!! Cheeky bastards!


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jul 18, 2013)

this is a good one....



> Dear all,
> *PLEASE, PLEASE* ensure that the last person who leaves at night closes and* LOCKS BOTH* doors.
> Even if the door is shut it doesn’t mean the door is ACTUALLY locked!


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jul 18, 2013)

el-ahrairah said:


> this is a good one....


 

Some of these address more pressing issues than others


----------



## Artaxerxes (Jul 19, 2013)

The further adventures of the office sink



> *From:* X
> *To:* Group IT
> *Subject:* Kitchen Etiquette.............
> 
> ...


----------



## ElizabethofYork (Jul 19, 2013)

I'm composing a scolding email at the moment. 

Dear all

Please stop putting used tea bags in the sink.  Who do you think will clear them up?  Why can't you put them in the bin?  Do you do this at home? 

Also please put your dirty mugs and plates in the dishwasher.  When you leave them in the sink or on the draining board, who are you expecting to clear up after you?

You lazy bastards.


----------



## tombowler (Jul 19, 2013)

ElizabethofYork said:


> I'm composing a scolding email at the moment.
> 
> Dear all
> 
> ...


 
I need to email this to my other half, drives me up the wall she does.


----------



## equationgirl (Jul 19, 2013)

I want to send an email pointing out to the person who thinks it's ok to leave empty paper boxes at the other end of the photocopier room from the bin that they are a knobend.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Aug 1, 2013)

> *From:* Rob
> *Sent:* 01 August 2013 13:21
> *To:* Department
> *Subject:* Chicken bones...
> ...


 
Clearly its a slow day in the world of software development, he's the manager...


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Aug 1, 2013)

I expect as part of various cuts, cleaners and bin people will be expected to make stock and soup out of chicken bones before too long, and their benefits reduced accordingly. We will also be encouraged to think of them as privileged scroungers who have access to all these free bones and yet they want housing benefit like somebody deserving.


----------



## joustmaster (Aug 1, 2013)

yey! i've got one..

As some of you are aware we have had a few instances recently where someone has fouled on the floor of the second floor toilets.  We cannot tolerate this kind of  behaviour and whilst we believe that it isn’t anyone from our floor we have to inform you that this matter is being taken very seriously.   

You will have noticed that the Facilities Team has recently displayed signs in all toilets asking people to ensure they are kept clean.  Therefore I would ask you to kindly please take note of this message and leave toilets as you would wish to find them.   The facilities team will now be making regular inspections of the toilets on all floors throughout the working day.   In the meantime if the toilets do not meet your expectations for whatever reason please inform me immediately so I can report it to the Facilities team.


----------



## ash (Sep 12, 2013)

Not quite scolding but an indignant Mrs Slocombe and her pussy.  Will the tug at the heart strings bring back the family heirloom mug  


Hi everyone


Last night I left my mug on my desk as I dashed off home for news of my poorly pussycat.  I didn’t have time to wash it up.  However this morning it was not there!


It is a white British Computer Society mug with their green logo on it. 


I assumed someone had borrowed it and it would return as if by magic but it has not as yet.  If you see it or know where it is, please return to one careful lady owner – no questions asked!


Many thanks


----------



## Corax (Sep 12, 2013)

joustmaster said:


> yey! i've got one..
> 
> As some of you are aware we have had a few instances recently where someone has fouled on the floor of the second floor toilets.  We cannot tolerate this kind of  behaviour and whilst we believe that it isn’t anyone from our floor we have to inform you that this matter is being taken very seriously.
> 
> You will have noticed that the Facilities Team has recently displayed signs in all toilets asking people to ensure they are kept clean.  Therefore I would ask you to kindly please take note of this message and leave toilets as you would wish to find them.   The facilities team will now be making regular inspections of the toilets on all floors throughout the working day.   In the meantime if the toilets do not meet your expectations for whatever reason please inform me immediately so I can report it to the Facilities team.


I know someone who's company had a problem with someone who kept having a messy sex-wee in the gents.

They installed a hidden camera, he got sacked.

That must have been an awkward meeting...


----------



## tombowler (Sep 12, 2013)

Corax said:


> I know someone who's company had a problem with someone who kept having a messy sex-wee in the gents.
> 
> They installed a hidden camera, he got sacked.
> 
> That must have been an awkward meeting...


pics or it did not happen?


----------



## billy_bob (Sep 12, 2013)

ash said:


> Will the tug at the heart strings bring back the family heirloom mug
> 
> 
> Hi everyone
> ...



Disgraceful attempt to garner the sympathy of her audience with this entirely irrelevant sentimentality.  I'd smash it over her computer monitor while she's not there and spam her loads of pictures of crying kittens.


----------



## billy_bob (Sep 12, 2013)

joustmaster said:


> ...whilst we believe that it isn’t anyone from our floor we have to inform you that this matter is being taken very seriously.



That's exactly the kind of "one bad apple" apologism for institutionalised pooing on the floor that allows the practice to go on unchallenged for generations.


----------



## ash (Sep 12, 2013)

billy_bob said:


> Disgraceful attempt to garner the sympathy of her audience with this entirely irrelevant sentimentality.  I'd smash it over her computer monitor while she's not there and spam her loads of pictures of crying kittens.


Yes she's done the 'no questions asked ' before as well. She obviously thinks there is a real thief around who is really  scared of questions.

And I can assure you she is no lady !,


----------



## dervish (Sep 13, 2013)

Corax said:


> I know someone who's company had a problem with someone who kept having a messy sex-wee in the gents.
> 
> They installed a hidden camera, he got sacked.
> 
> That must have been an awkward meeting...




Then presumably sued the pants (!) off them and reported them to police for massive invasion of privacy and voyeurism. 

What did every other male in the company say when they found out they had been videoed having a shit? I'd be utterly livid.


----------



## King Biscuit Time (Sep 13, 2013)

Corax said:


> I know someone who's company had a problem with someone who kept having a messy sex-wee in the gents.
> 
> They installed a hidden camera, he got sacked.
> 
> That must have been an awkward meeting...



Can you film an employee on the toilet without their consent?


----------



## JTG (Sep 13, 2013)

dervish said:


> Then presumably sued the pants (!) off them and reported them to police for massive invasion of privacy and voyeurism.
> 
> What did every other male in the company say when they found out they had been videoed having a shit? I'd be utterly livid.


I was about to post the same!

And anyway, sacked for having a bash in the bogs? Really? On what grounds?


----------



## dervish (Sep 13, 2013)

Making a mess by the sounds of it. 

Which I can kinda understand, it would be pretty grim to clean up. TBH I don't actually believe that any employer would put camera in the cubicle though. Especially if it is now common knowledge, by now I would expect to be reading about it in the papers. There is no way the other employees would have just accepted that they had been videoed on the job without consent.


----------



## JTG (Sep 13, 2013)

dervish said:


> Making a mess by the sounds of it.
> 
> Which I can kinda understand, it would be pretty grim to clean up. TBH I don't actually believe that any employer would put camera in the cubicle though. Especially if it is now common knowledge, by now I would expect to be reading about it in the papers. There is no way the other employees would have just accepted that they had been videoed on the job without consent.


Sure, it's not nice, but does it count as gross misconduct? Maybe he had warnings for other stuff. I dunno.

It's all very icky and that on all sides


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 13, 2013)

King Biscuit Time said:


> Can you film an employee on the toilet without their consent?


 

I do.

5t3IIa 

What's a sex-wee?


----------



## purenarcotic (Sep 13, 2013)

Cum.  Semen, vaginal discharge etc.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 13, 2013)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> I do.
> 
> 5t3IIa
> 
> What's a sex-wee?



http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Sex Wee

wait a sec!



Bahnhof Strasse said:


> I do.



http://www.justice.gov.uk/tribunals/employment


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 13, 2013)

http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/deep-inside-the-chain-pub-piss-dungeon


----------



## Corax (Sep 13, 2013)

dervish said:


> Then presumably sued the pants (!) off them and reported them to police for massive invasion of privacy and voyeurism.
> 
> What did every other male in the company say when they found out they had been videoed having a shit? I'd be utterly livid.





King Biscuit Time said:


> Can you film an employee on the toilet without their consent?


I asked the same thing.

And the answer was yes, they can.  As I understand it the camera was positioned so that it wouldn't catch any rudeness (ie upper body only) - but obviously it would still be pretty clear what they were doing.  Cum face on camera lulz...

It was the UK HQ of a major international company - they took advice.  Certainly legal advice, but I think they may have involved the filth as well.  It's a long time ago now, so I couldn't swear to that last bit though.

Also unlikely that he would have sued even if they'd not made sure they were within the law tbh.  This was a professional section of a multinational - so future employment opportunities would probably have been rather limited if his WankGate status was splashed over the tabloids...

I think (again, long time ago so not 100% sure) they agreed that he would quit, rather than sacking him - but that was for the sake of the bloke's career, rather than them not being able to iykwim.


JTG said:


> I was about to post the same!
> 
> And anyway, sacked for having a bash in the bogs? Really? On what grounds?


Reading between the lines, the bloke was leaving jizz sprayed all over the place on a daily basis.  Given that it's not hard (lol) to clean up after oneself if one wishes to, one can only assume that he was getting some sort of extra kick out of the idea that other people would have a close encounter with his man-yoghurt.


dervish said:


> Especially if it is now common knowledge, by now I would expect to be reading about it in the papers.


Not common knowledge by any means.  This was a close friend of mine, and he was involved in the 'investigation', not just someone who worked there.


----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 13, 2013)

I wonder if he was sitting for his onan-time or if it was a standing hitler wank


----------



## dervish (Sep 13, 2013)

Corax said:


> I asked the same thing.
> 
> And the answer was yes, they can.  As I understand it the camera was positioned so that it wouldn't catch any rudeness (ie upper body only) - but obviously it would still be pretty clear what they were doing.  Cum face on camera lulz...
> 
> ...



Still really not sure I buy this, they took legal advice, and the legal advice was it's ok? What if the bloke had decided to go to the papers anyway, or someone else did? Would they really risk all that bad press? A major multinational spying on it's staff in the toilets, papers would have a field day.

Plus to be sure they would have had to had a camera pointed front and back as they wouldn't know which way he was, er, pointing. 


I think you mate is pulling your leg.


----------



## Corax (Sep 13, 2013)

dervish said:


> Still really not sure I buy this, they took legal advice, and the legal advice was it's ok? What if the bloke had decided to go to the papers anyway, or someone else did? Would they really risk all that bad press? A major multinational spying on it's staff in the toilets, papers would have a field day.
> 
> Plus to be sure they would have had to had a camera pointed front and back as they wouldn't know which way he was, er, pointing.
> 
> ...


I can't really give any more details on why, but I'm certain it wasn't a leg-pull.  It wasn't even related as a lulz tale, he actually found it all quite uncomfortable/upsetting.

Re the papers - this was over a decade ago, and I think that kind of thing has maybe changed quite a lot in the intervening time.  Also - major multinational, but not 'high-profile'.  Industrial stuff.  Joe on the street would never have heard of them.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Sep 13, 2013)

You would have to be extremely careful about it. You might get away with having specific information on a specific person which led you to have cameras which were only turned on when they were there - and you'd have to have a really good audit trail to prove that. Cameras to record everyone on the bog, I can't see that standing up in court - not specifically for the culprit (they'd know he would settle) rather everyone else who was using the loo at the time.


----------



## Corax (Sep 13, 2013)

FridgeMagnet said:


> You would have to be extremely careful about it. You might get away with having specific information on a specific person which led you to have cameras which were only turned on when they were there - and you'd have to have a really good audit trail to prove that. Cameras to record everyone on the bog, I can't see that standing up in court - not specifically for the culprit (they'd know he would settle) rather everyone else who was using the loo at the time.


Is that secret filming in general?

Because far more recently, a cinema I worked at sacked one of the other workers because he'd been nicking colleagues' stuff in the locker room - and they did that by hidden camera too.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Sep 13, 2013)

Corax said:


> Is that secret filming in general?
> 
> Because far more recently, a cinema I worked at sacked one of the other workers because he'd been nicking colleagues' stuff in the locker room - and they did that by hidden camera too.


I am pretty sure that filming _everyone_ in an area where they have an expectation of privacy would always be a huge no-no. Locker rooms, I'm not sure whether that would count, depends on what they were used for (e.g. a gym locker room definitely). But I'm not sure cinema workers would generally be in the economic position to challenge that sort of thing in any case.


----------



## Corax (Sep 13, 2013)

FridgeMagnet said:


> I am pretty sure that filming _everyone_ in an area where they have an expectation of privacy would always be a huge no-no. Locker rooms, I'm not sure whether that would count, depends on what they were used for (e.g. a gym locker room definitely). But I'm not sure cinema workers would generally be in the economic position to challenge that sort of thing in any case.


Well, all I can say is that I know both happened.

The cinema one was done by an outsourced security bloke, and he showed me the footage.  Partly because I was fucked off that they were sacking him, as he seemed a really decent and hard working guy.  Kinda sickening when you then see the bloke you've been standing up for rifling through his mates' coats and bags.  

I was going to type that it was only a few years ago.  But now I actually count, it was about 10.  Shit, I'm getting old...

Which means the jizzman one must have been much further back than I thought.  Trying to remember how old I was at the time, I'd guess it was somewhere between 1993 and 98.

With that one I don't know who placed the camera etc, but I know they took legal advice (may have been in-house lawyers given the size of the company).  The chance of it being made up is literally as close to zero as scientifically possible.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Sep 13, 2013)

Corax said:


> Well, all I can say is that I know both happened.
> 
> The cinema one was done by an outsourced security bloke, and he showed me the footage.  Partly because I was fucked off that they were sacking him, as he seemed a really decent and hard working guy.  Kinda sickening when you then see the bloke you've been standing up for rifling through his mates' coats and bags.
> 
> ...


They would know that the culprit wouldn't make too much of a fuss - who wants to get a reputation as a toilet wanker? They would also have given him a settlement I'd guess. But if they were filming everyone who came in, and that got out, that would be bad. I'd certainly kick up a fuss if I found out that was going on. I would expect that they took the chance that nobody would know and that the target wouldn't, erm, spread it.

I doubt people who ran a cinema would give two shits about the rights of the proles using the locker room tbh.


----------



## Corax (Sep 13, 2013)

FridgeMagnet said:


> I doubt people who ran a cinema would give two shits about the rights of the proles using the locker room tbh.


Damn straight there.  There was one manager who fucking _revelled_ in sacking staff members.  He genuinely seemed to get off on it.  I suspect that these days he jacks off to compilations of Alan Sugar telling people they're fired.

That last sentence was meant to be a joke when I started typing.  But actually I'd not be at all surprised.

The others were always pretty decent people tbh.  But then, they had the attack dog above to do the dirty work for them...


----------



## kabbes (Sep 17, 2013)

Filming in toilets is illegal.  I recently read through my mate's crime book from when he took his sergeant's exams, and filming in toilets is in there as a specific example of something that is a kind of sexual assault or voyeurism or something similar (I forget the details, but I remember it being specifically mentioned as a crime).

(It was a revision book, actually, and mostly what I remember from that section was the page that said, "Remember VAMP -- Vagina, Anus, Mouth with a Penis."  Who would have thought that you needed an acronym for that?)


----------



## Lemon Eddy (Sep 17, 2013)

kabbes said:


> Remember VAMP -- Vagina, Anus, Mouth with a Penis."



Pretty much ruins the remnants of my teen fantasies of Wendy James


----------



## el-ahrairah (Sep 17, 2013)

Lemon Eddy said:


> Pretty much ruins the remnants of my teen fantasies of Wendy James



really?  it only improves mine.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 18, 2013)

kabbes said:


> Remember VAMP



Yes, pretty good film.


----------



## teuchter (Sep 18, 2013)

ash said:


> And I can assure you she is no lady !,


What does this mean exactly?


----------



## joustmaster (Sep 18, 2013)

teuchter said:


> What does this mean exactly?


massive knackers.


----------



## marty21 (Sep 18, 2013)

> i have concerns over Christmas leave 2013 should the offices be open.  As xxxx highlighted in the team meeting yesterday, those who worked over Christmas 2012 did not have an opportunity to book leave earlier in the year because they were absent from the office.  When the original email was distributed from management informing staff that xxxxxx was to open over Christmas, at least 4 staff members were not in a position to book leave.
> In our previous team meeting (prior to yesterday) this subject was raised and discussed.  The conclusion was that those staff working over Christmas in 2012 would be given first refusal in 2013, should they wish to take time off.
> I personally don’t think it’s a matter of wanting or needing to take leave, but what is fair for those staff members who did not have an option but to come into work.
> I can only envisage that majority of staff *want* time off over the festive period, so I am perplexed why you are asking if staff need time off.  Was this practice conducted last Christmas?  Also, can you let staff not what is the criteria for the ‘necessity’ in taking Christmas leave?
> ...


 
sent to another team here - a source forwarded it to me 

Happy Christmas Boss 

Christmas - srs bznss


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 18, 2013)

Many years ago a women in the place I worked got fed up with people nicking her milk that she brought in in a special bottle for some reason.  So she pissed in it and put it back in the fridge.  Predictably someone did use it, and she then admitted what she'd done.  She got a proper bollocking.

If you're going to do something like that, don't bloody admit it afterwards! 

I've seen the usual 'reply to all' fun and games too.  One I remember was a random office in Wales e-mailed what they thought was just their office, but of course was the entire organisation (there were around 80,000 staff at the time).  The question was something like 'does anyone know who that red hire car in the car park is for?'

Inevitably lots of numpties sent sarky replies, often just strings of question marks, and of course _always _hitting the reply all button.  The mail system was teetering on the brink under the traffic, until a very senior manager sent a stroppy reply ordering everyone to stop replying to the e-mail.  The idiots who sent the replies had their accounts suspended for the rest of the day and were 'spoken to'.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 18, 2013)

A bit off topic, but I've just remembered another incident where a lowly member of staff was sending some inappropriate jokes (under the organisations policy on e-mail use) to a friend.  His friend happened to have the same name as the CEO, with the inevitable result of him being sacked...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 19, 2013)

Another example, not scolding but an unfortunate typo. 

IT sent a 'customer service update' e-mail advising everyone on the network that some service or other that had been down for a few days had been restored.  Bog standard e-mail sent to tens of thousands of people, with the usual sign off line apologising for the inconvenience.  Somehow they managed to type 'we apologise for the incontinence.'

Unusually, I happened to open it seconds after it popped up in my inbox, and lots and lots of others did too.  Less than a minute later they tried to recall it, but too late!  It brightened up our day, and we pissed ourselves laughing.


----------



## white rabbit (Sep 19, 2013)

We've got thousands of employees, probably many tens of thousands, so even the small percentage who don't know any better is still a lot of people. Occasionally, someone accidentally sends a message to a huge distribution list and the echoing hundreds of replies to all saying "please remove me from your list" and "please don't reply to all" go on for hours. Better to set up a rule to send any message containing certain text in the subject line straight to the bin.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 19, 2013)

Or CTRL+A, Delete for the entire inbox. Most of it crap anyway.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Sep 19, 2013)

I used to work in a place with two offices, where some marketing cunt team would send at least one email a day to the whole company saying "please do not use printer X for the next hour we are printing a large job". Printer X was in the other building.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 19, 2013)

FridgeMagnet said:


> I used to work in a place with two offices, where some marketing cunt team would send at least one email a day to the whole company saying "please do not use printer X for the next hour we are printing a large job". Printer X was in the other building.


 
We get that all the time.  Pointless e-mails about printers are bad enough, but we also get bombarded with crap about lost property.  I don't give a shit if someone has left an earing in the loo, or whatever, as I'm hundreds of miles away from that building!


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 19, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> We get that all the time.  Pointless e-mails about printers are bad enough, but we also get bombarded with crap about lost property.  I don't give a shit if someone has left an earing in the loo, or whatever, as I'm hundreds of miles away from that building!


We normally get a) lost property (usually cryptic - if you have lost a sum of money please go to reception), b) stroppy emails about cars from facilities as the driver hasn't filled out their reg form so they don't know who to email direct, c) emails from IT about the new finance server needing essential maitenance (code for it's fallen over again so we have to reboot it) or d) emails about former employees who have died


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 19, 2013)

At least d) is interesting though - the other three are very dull.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 20, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> At least d) is interesting though - the other three are very dull.


Not really - 'Mr CCC XXXX who worked her until 1995 recently passed away after a long illness. His funeral will be on ....'

Which is all very sad but there's practically nobody left who remembers them now. Certainly not a high percentage of the several thousand UK employees on the All Staff email list.


----------



## BoatieBird (Sep 20, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> We get that all the time.  Pointless e-mails about printers are bad enough, but we also get bombarded with crap about lost property.  I don't give a shit if someone has left an earing in the loo, or whatever, as I'm hundreds of miles away from that building!


 
Or the really annoying ones that cheerfully inform you that 'there are cakes in the kitchen' when the kitchen in question is many miles away


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 21, 2013)

BoatieBird said:


> Or the really annoying ones that cheerfully inform you that 'there are cakes in the kitchen' when the kitchen in question is many miles away


There was one about a car with a puncture in the car park the other day. On leaving work this evening the colleague I was with pointed to the car in question and as we were remarking on how the rims would be fucked by now he suddenly said 'I wonder if that's the hire car we got for Mr X when he was over here for a few months two years ago?' 

Which would account for why I'd seen the car a few months back, with a puncture, in the same space. Looks like he gave the keys back to us and either we lost the keys or the car was never collected...


----------



## UnderAnOpenSky (Sep 21, 2013)

That sounds a very expensive mistake!


----------



## Corax (Sep 21, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> There was one about a car with a puncture in the car park the other day. On leaving work this evening the colleague I was with pointed to the car in question and as we were remarking on how the rims would be fucked by now he suddenly said 'I wonder if that's the hire car we got for Mr X when he was over here for a few months two years ago?'
> 
> Which would account for why I'd seen the car a few months back, with a puncture, in the same space. Looks like he gave the keys back to us and either we lost the keys or the car was never collected...


Deny everything.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 21, 2013)

Corax said:


> Deny everything.


It's nothing to do with me - I'm not in charge of car bookings. The obnoxious admin however...


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 21, 2013)

Global Stoner said:


> That sounds a very expensive mistake!


I heard £30 a day recently for our car hire, but give the length of time and the lateness of the the non-return it will be much, much more I suspect. 

Oops - if she's fucked up to that extent I hope she gets disciplined for it.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 21, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> I heard £30 a day recently for our car hire, but give the length of time and the lateness of the the non-return it will be much, much more I suspect.
> 
> Oops - if she's fucked up to that extent I hope she gets disciplined for it.


 
Two years of car hire charges is a major league fuckup!


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 21, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Two years of car hire charges is a major league fuckup!


Yes, yes it is.

I will keep the thread informed...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 21, 2013)

Even if you take a lower daily cost of £20 that works out at £14,600.  Ouch!


----------



## joustmaster (Sep 21, 2013)

like with most difficult things - just chuck it in the canal and pretend you know nothing of it.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 21, 2013)

joustmaster said:


> like with most difficult things - just chuck it in the canal and pretend you know nothing of it.


 
Or arrange for it to be stolen, and as it isn't a company asset, no need to report it as a crime.  Problem solved.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 21, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Or arrange for it to be stolen, and as it isn't a company asset, no need to report it as a crime.  Problem solved.


We get stuff nick off the site all the time, I'm surprised they've left it untouched to be honest.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 21, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> We get stuff nick off the site all the time, I'm surprised they've left it untouched to be honest.


 
Possibly because its got a flat tyre?


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 21, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Possibly because its got a flat tyre?


It's been there so long you can't actually see the tyre under the rim anymore.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 21, 2013)

I have no idea if they can even get the old tyre off to fit a spare...


----------



## marty21 (Sep 21, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> We get that all the time.  Pointless e-mails about printers are bad enough, but we also get bombarded with crap about lost property.  I don't give a shit if someone has left an earing in the loo, or whatever, as I'm hundreds of miles away from that building!


lost earing in loo - blatantly shagging in there


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 21, 2013)

marty21 said:


> lost earing in loo - blatantly shagging in there


 
I never thought about it that way - I'll never look my colleagues in that office in the same way again!  Given the frequency of items found in the loos in that office, they must be all at it like rabbits!


----------



## Badgers (Sep 26, 2013)




----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 26, 2013)

grievous misuse of the comma there.

but still. Looks like you will have to forgo your 11 o'clock crack break eh badge


----------



## fishfinger (Sep 26, 2013)

DotCommunist said:


> grievous misuse of the comma there.
> 
> but still. Looks like you will have to forgo your 11 o'clock crack break eh badge



At least they don't seem to have any issues about jacking up.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 26, 2013)

DotCommunist said:


> but still. Looks like you will have to forgo your 11 o'clock crack break eh badge



I am considering one of those e-pipes so I can freebase odour free at my desk


----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 26, 2013)

does substances include burnt tobacco inhaled through a bit of paper? Them substances. Instant dismissal.


----------



## High Voltage (Sep 26, 2013)

So what "substances" would these be then - golden opportunity to use quote marks missed


----------



## el-ahrairah (Sep 26, 2013)

Badgers said:


>



heh, is that where i think it is?


----------



## Badgers (Sep 26, 2013)

el-ahrairah said:


> heh, is that where i think it is?



North London not South


----------



## Schmetterling (Sep 26, 2013)

Not scolding but work e-mail that goes to everyone at our site (from the chappy who inappropriately calls me darling (am quitely annoyed but too polite to ask him not to call me that)). 

He has starting including quotes dirge

_“Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing, the last of human freedoms; to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances - to choose one’s own way.”_


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 26, 2013)

Schmetterling said:


> Not scolding but work e-mail that goes to everyone at our site (from the chappy who inappropriately calls me darling (am quitely annoyed but too polite to ask him not to call me that)).
> 
> He has starting including quotes dirge
> 
> _“Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing, the last of human freedoms; to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances - to choose one’s own way.”_


That is annoying. I thought shit like that was uncool when academics were doing it 15 years ago.


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Sep 26, 2013)

I take it that this precedes a whine of extraordinary pettiness, Schmetterling ?


----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 26, 2013)

Schmetterling said:


> Not scolding but work e-mail that goes to everyone at our site (from the chappy who inappropriately calls me darling (am quitely annoyed but too polite to ask him not to call me that)).
> 
> He has starting including quotes dirge
> 
> _“Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing, the last of human freedoms; to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances - to choose one’s own way.”_



is bollocks anyway, if you raise a child in and indoctrinate it well then its yours for life. Ask the jesuits.


----------



## Schmetterling (Sep 27, 2013)

Silas Loom said:


> I take it that this precedes a whine of extraordinary pettiness, Schmetterling ?



Oh, absolutely.  I shall let that annoyance fester and bubble away and spend some time thinking of the perfect passive aggressive retort.  Help me my friends; help me find one!


----------



## smmudge (Sep 27, 2013)

DotCommunist said:


> grievous misuse of the comma there.



I don't get it. It looks to me like the commas are around a non-restrictive relative clause, so in fact perfectly placed. Or am I missing something


----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 27, 2013)

Don't think it's technically wrong just inelegant. Using the comma where parentheses would do.


----------



## smmudge (Sep 27, 2013)

Oh ok fair enough. I personally prefer commas over parentheses.


----------



## teuchter (Sep 27, 2013)

Re. this, which I posted earlier in the thread ^

Today I went into the shop and the woman behind the counter was on the phone while serving me.

I did not say anything as I am a coward.


----------



## Corax (Sep 27, 2013)

teuchter said:


> Re. this, which I posted earlier in the thread ^
> 
> Today I went into the shop and the woman behind the counter was on the phone while serving me.
> 
> I did not say anything as I am a coward.


I won't repeat my rant about signs headed "polite notice" again - but essentially it's the sign of an utter fuckstand.


----------



## ringo (Sep 30, 2013)

We can't work out why this is considered such a heinous crime, but it's clearly very, very bad 

*Subject:*Message from Catering
Dear All,
Quite unbelievably a dirty glass and cup from Catering have now appeared in the sink. I will take them downstairs.
If anyone is aware of colleagues leaving dishes in the LRC kitchen area in this way please make me aware of who they are as this is not an acceptable use of these facilities.
Thanks, 
*******


----------



## el-ahrairah (Sep 30, 2013)

fucking hell, end of the world.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 30, 2013)

Dirty stuff in the sink?


----------



## marty21 (Oct 1, 2013)

> Dear All,
> A less than gentle reminder;
> The fridge is beginning to smell again because there are items that haven’t been used or binned as they should have been. The fridge will be defrosted over the weekend so if there’s anything you want saving, you’ll need to label it, as anything that isn’t labelled will be going in the bin on Friday.
> Just to remind you, it is each member of staff’s responsibility to ensure that the kitchen, including the fridge, is kept tidy. This includes washing and drying/putting away cutlery/plates/cups/etc after use and not leaving them unwashed in the sink for days on end.


 
a classic from my boss - I don't know where he finds the time to email us - he is very busy - reading his kindle and going to invented meetings


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 1, 2013)

marty21 said:


> a classic from my boss - I don't know where he finds the time to email us - he is very busy - reading his  kindle and goign to invented meetings


Have you pointed out the difference between a fridge and a freezer to him? Perhaps some handy links for him to read


----------



## kabbes (Oct 1, 2013)

marty21 said:


> he is very busy reading his kindle and goign to invented meetings


Ah, I see he has the same job as me.


----------



## marty21 (Oct 1, 2013)

kabbes said:


> Ah, I see he has the same job as me.


 it's good to be boss


----------



## marty21 (Oct 1, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> Have you pointed out the difference between a fridge and a freezer to him? Perhaps some handy links for him to read


 tbh I try to keep interaction to a minimum


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 1, 2013)

marty21 said:


> tbh I try to keep interaction to a minimum


I don't blame you - if he doesn't know the difference between two common household items it's wise to steer clear.


----------



## marty21 (Oct 1, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> I don't blame you - if he doesn't know the difference between two common household items it's wise to steer clear.


 that sort of ignorance has done no harm to his career


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 1, 2013)

marty21 said:


> that sort of ignorance has done no harm to his career


turds always float.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 1, 2013)

marty21 said:


> it's good to be boss


Depends on your perspective.

I have a two hour workshop to go to this afternoon.  It has a four page briefing document, which I have read as closely as I can.  However, I still have _no idea whatsoever_ what it is about.  The briefing document is full of phrases like "capture and sharing of and communication around best practices".  It may as well have said "I don't know what I am doing lol".  

A reminder: this will be me for two hours this afternoon.  

I will take my tablet.  You may see me posting on here.


----------



## marty21 (Oct 1, 2013)

kabbes said:


> Depends on your perspective.
> 
> I have a two hour workshop to go to this afternoon.  It has a four page briefing document, which I have read as closely as I can.  However, I still have _no idea whatsoever_ what it is about.  The briefing document is full of phrases like "capture and sharing of and communication around best practices".  It may as well have said "I don't know what I am doing lol".
> 
> ...


 I had a 2 hour meeting with him and his boss yesterday , much of it revolved around the definition of the word 'quality' I didn't have my tablet with me


----------



## kabbes (Oct 1, 2013)

This two hours will be all we need to turn this chaotic mess of disparate and demotivated individuals around the world into a company with "a continuous improvement culture".  You heard it hear first.


----------



## teuchter (Oct 1, 2013)

kabbes said:


> Depends on your perspective.
> 
> I have a two hour workshop to go to this afternoon.  It has a four page briefing document, which I have read as closely as I can.  However, I still have _no idea whatsoever_ what it is about.  The briefing document is full of phrases like "capture and sharing of and communication around best practices".  It may as well have said "I don't know what I am doing lol".
> 
> ...


I look forward to your live-feed capture and sharing of and communication with us.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 1, 2013)

teuchter said:


> I look forward to your live-feed capture and sharing of and communication with us.


That was a direct quote too, you know.  I didn't make a transcription error.  You couldn't make it up etc.


----------



## teuchter (Oct 1, 2013)

disappointing lack of updates from kabbes. I assume this means the workshop has successfully installed a best practice continuous improvement culture into his personal communication framework which leaves no room for non-stakeholder interactions which fall outwith the re-imagined and value engineered corporate information distribution protocol.


----------



## white rabbit (Oct 1, 2013)

I had several attempts at an e-mail commenting on someone's use of "verbage" (meaning wording). I just sounded like a pedantic arse, so I gave up.


----------



## quimcunx (Oct 1, 2013)

teuchter said:


> disappointing lack of updates from kabbes. I assume this means the workshop has successfully installed a best practice continuous improvement culture into his personal communication framework which leaves no room for non-stakeholder interactions which fall outwith the re-imagined and value engineered corporate information distribution protocol.



Or maybe he's  killed himself. 



after taking out several other continuously culturally improved  stakeholders in the communications framework distribution protocol with a value engineered machete.


----------



## Corax (Oct 1, 2013)

He's way behind the curve on continuous improvement methodologies if he's not been livetweeting his meetings.  It's all about social movements and grassroots involvement.

(I could genuinely send that as a plausible email at work...)


----------



## kabbes (Oct 1, 2013)

teuchter said:


> disappointing lack of updates from kabbes. I assume this means the workshop has successfully installed a best practice continuous improvement culture into his personal communication framework which leaves no room for non-stakeholder interactions which fall outwith the re-imagined and value engineered corporate information distribution protocol.


Packed room, I had people either side of me.  I was unable to discreetly manage any surfing


----------



## Corax (Oct 1, 2013)

kabbes said:


> Packed room, I had people either side of me.  I was unable to discreetly manage any surfing


Dude, you're sooooo behind the times!  You don't need to do it _"discreetly"_!  You're leveraging your social network to crowdsource our input!!!!

Fuckin n00b.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 1, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> There was one about a car with a puncture in the car park the other day. On leaving work this evening the colleague I was with pointed to the car in question and as we were remarking on how the rims would be fucked by now he suddenly said 'I wonder if that's the hire car we got for Mr X when he was over here for a few months two years ago?'
> 
> Which would account for why I'd seen the car a few months back, with a puncture, in the same space. Looks like he gave the keys back to us and either we lost the keys or the car was never collected...


Sadly, it's not a hire car. I had a look at it the other day.

It's an 04 reg, too old for most hire car firms, and it's a tip inside. Smart money is on it being a site worker's car, this being prime outage season still and we have a lot of staff on site for weeks at a time.

Shame, I was looking forward to the admin getting sacked


----------



## lazythursday (Oct 4, 2013)

A good Friday afternoon strop:



> To whom it may concern,
> As you know I have recently moved a lot of stuff from my base at XXXX and am currently awaiting a adequate space to put this stuff in, however it doesn't give anyone the right to route through my stuff without my permission as it seems that someone has taken it upon themselves to take stationary from one of the boxes failing to tell me in the process.
> There was an unopened box of flip chart markers, gel pens and black Biro's too which incidentally where stored under a lot of my stuff. If you wanted some pens you just needed to ask and not take. This stuff was paid for from XXXX which in turn saves the organisation money (which now will need to be replaced from another budget).
> In future please show me some level of respect and ask before taking stuff that doesn't belong to you.


----------



## Schmetterling (Oct 4, 2013)

lazythursday said:


> A good Friday afternoon strop:


 
See, this would just make we want to be so, what's the word, difficult? 

What are the options: get everyone to dump their used-up pens into said box? Sellotape all items together? Take all the tops off the flip-chart markers?

Oooh; and the spelling mistakes!!!


----------



## kabbes (Oct 4, 2013)

lazythursday said:


> A good Friday afternoon strop:


That is a classic of the genre.  Spelling mistakes and all.  Good work.


----------



## lazythursday (Oct 4, 2013)

He is actually a really nice guy, I had no idea of his attachment to pens. I now can't get Pauline from League of Gentlemen out of my head. 

However to be fair he has had to move from a nice little city centre office pretty much on his own to an open plan hotbed of simmering resentment in a particularly depressing northern town.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 4, 2013)

lazythursday said:


> However to be fair he has had to move from a nice little city centre office pretty much on his own to an open plan hotbed of simmering resentment in a particularly depressing northern town.


----------



## marty21 (Oct 4, 2013)

update on #fridgegate


> Just to remind you that you need to label anything you want to keep or throw out anything you don’t want to keep in the fridge before you finish today.


----------



## kittyP (Oct 4, 2013)

lazythursday said:


> He is actually a really nice guy, I had no idea of his attachment to pens. I now can't get Pauline from League of Gentlemen out of my head.
> 
> However to be fair he has had to move from a nice little city centre office pretty much on his own to an open plan hotbed of simmering resentment in a particularly depressing northern town.



I was going to ask if you work in a school because the level of pen theft and therefore pen hoarding and attachment was really high in my last place of work.

But I see not.


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 4, 2013)

lazythursday said:


> A good Friday afternoon strop:


Don't touch the pens


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Oct 4, 2013)

Anyone started rummaging through my stationery at work and taking the bits they fancy, I'd be at them with a Stanley knife.


----------



## tombowler (Oct 4, 2013)

FridgeMagnet said:


> Anyone started rummaging through my stationery at work and taking the bits they fancy, I'd be at them with a Stanley knife.


I'll be sure to nick your knife first then.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 4, 2013)

FridgeMagnet said:


> Anyone started rummaging through my stationery at work and taking the bits they fancy, I'd be at them with a Stanley knife.


Too right! 

They might not even live if they ever steal any of my pens or my Rhodia pads.


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Oct 4, 2013)

marty21 said:


> update on #fridgegate



What happens to stuff that is neither labelled nor thrown out?  U75 informal anarchist action time,  I reckon.


----------



## emanymton (Oct 4, 2013)

I once sent this email to all managers and team leaders (not all staff had email) in the office



> Could you please check if anyone one on your team is the owner of 'such and such car', as security have advised it is currently rolling across the car park.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 4, 2013)

emanymton said:


> I once sent this email to all managers and team leaders (not all staff had email) in the office


We've had one of those - just as well there were a few spaces directly behind it...


----------



## emanymton (Oct 4, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> Too right!
> 
> They might not even live if they ever steal any of my pens or my Rhodia pads.


As a union rep i have made it clear that the contents of my pedestal are covered by the data protection act, anyone rooting in my drawers is braking the law!


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 4, 2013)

emanymton said:


> As a union rep i have made it clear that the contents of my pedestal are covered by the data protection act, anyone rooting in my drawers is braking the law!


I've told my boss that if he sees a car battery and some leads near my desk, just don't touch the pedestal. 

Some fucker ate half a bag of sweets that was on my desk a few weeks ago, I feel it's time for direct action.


----------



## emanymton (Oct 4, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> We've had one of those - just as well there were a few spaces directly behind it...


Security had stuck a brick under one of the wheels to stop. I seem to remember I got a really funny email back from the team leader of the person responsible, but I can't remember what he said now.

I think this one person left their hand brake of 2 or 3 times over a period of about 2 years.


----------



## emanymton (Oct 4, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> I've told my boss that if he sees a car battery and some leads near my desk, just don't touch the pedestal.
> 
> Some fucker ate half a bag of sweets that was on my desk a few weeks ago, I feel it's time for direct action.


Act of WAR!!


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 4, 2013)

emanymton said:


> Act of WAR!!


I thought I had worked out who was hoovering up any food in sight, but number 1 suspect left a couple of months ago and number 2 suspect moved office to a different building.

There is currently no number 3 suspect.


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Oct 4, 2013)

not a scolding email. But i got bought a private dance last night at a strip club by potential supplier in a former soviet state. i disagreed but he insisted, one thing about nordic traditions, you should not turn a gift. No matter how shit. So when this girl turned up to girate her arse at me. I started talking about chomsky and zinn. got thrown out for bringing a downer on the evening. I didnt even get to the word subjection. happy to leave. and got trailed the whole night by kgb. fun fun


----------



## Corax (Oct 4, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> I thought I had worked out who was hoovering up any food in sight, but number 1 suspect left a couple of months ago and number 2 suspect moved office to a different building.


A lesson for us all there perhaps...


Boris Sprinkler said:


> not a scolding email. But i got bought a private dance last night at a strip club by potential supplier in a former soviet state. i disagreed but he insisted, one thing about nordic traditions, you should not turn a gift. No matter how shit. So when this girl turned up to girate her arse at me. I started talking about chomsky and zinn. got thrown out for bringing a downer on the evening. I didnt even get to the word subjection. happy to leave. and got trailed the whole night by kgb. fun fun


Your job sounds _*way*_ more fun than mine.


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Oct 4, 2013)

Corax said:


> A lesson for us all there perhaps...
> 
> Your job sounds _*way*_ more fun than mine.


pls  say you are postman

I will swap.

postman yes. my dream. all i want a bit of money, pay the bills. Maybe run a hobby trainset: No crack, no coke. no drink.

HOrnby 07 gauge


----------



## Corax (Oct 4, 2013)

Boris Sprinkler said:


> pls  say you are postman


Sorry, no.  

I try to fix stuff in the NHS.  With varying degrees of success...


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 4, 2013)

Corax said:


> Sorry, no.
> 
> I try to fix stuff in the NHS.  With varying degrees of success...


So do you know anything about this data stuff that's currently going on (think it's to do with SUS restructuring but not 100% sure). If so there's a thread in H&S that could do with your help


----------



## Corax (Oct 4, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> So do you know anything about this data stuff that's currently going on (think it's to do with SUS restructuring but not 100% sure). If so there's a thread in H&S that could do with your help


Not sure what you mean, but I'm borderline ninja-level with various bits to do with healthcare info [/big-headed wanker - sorry ] so I'll go take a look!


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 4, 2013)

Corax said:


> Not sure what you mean, but I'm borderline ninja-level with various bits to do with healthcare info [/big-headed wanker - sorry ] so I'll go take a look!


It's something to do with NHS England reforms and data being handled by third party companies, possibly not with patient consent.


----------



## Corax (Oct 4, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> It's something to do with NHS England reforms and data being handled by third party companies, possibly not with patient consent.


Ta.  Found it, and replied.  

ETA: Not sure many will like the reply though...


----------



## ringo (Oct 17, 2013)

Hi All,
Just a reminder to you that if you notice something is not working in the office or the air conditioning in your area is not to your satisfaction, you simply need to contact the PaF service desk on ext. 123 to log a job.
If you’re feeling like a team player, you could also send a note to the team using distribution list addresses on this email and put a little note in the subject box of an email to say that you’ve done this.
*Example
Job logged - leaking tap, disabled toilet.*
Simples! ;o)


----------



## ringo (Oct 21, 2013)

More from the same person. Two new posters on the wall in the kitchen telling us that this is the work place, we're not at home, and that any cutlery or crockery left unwashed will now be thrown away. That'll teach us.

And now an email too:

Many of you will have already noticed that a new area has been created by the atrium area.

*1.  Staff break-out / lunch area between the hours of 12pm – 2pm only *


·  A risk is being taken in granting staff a break out area and it should be noted that no other team has this 

·  The area is not limited to our dept use

·  Staff using the area during the lunch period must ensure that the area is left clear of rubbish, crumbs, spillages, cutlery, mugs, crockery etc

·  The break-out / lunch area privilege will be revoked after one instance of the area not being left in a clean and tidy state


----------



## Badgers (Oct 21, 2013)

> break out area


----------



## Me76 (Oct 21, 2013)

ringo said:


> ·  The break-out / lunch area *privilege* will be revoked after one instance of the area not being left in a clean and tidy state





> You *must* protect the safety and health of everyone in your workplace, including people with disabilities, and provide welfare facilities for your employees.
> 
> Basic things you need to consider are outlined below.
> <snip>
> somewhere to rest and eat meals.


http://www.hse.gov.uk/simple-health-safety/workplace.htm  My bold


----------



## ringo (Oct 21, 2013)

Me76 said:


> http://www.hse.gov.uk/simple-health-safety/workplace.htm  My bold



Yes, I believe the Uni is covered legally because if we could be bothered to walk 10 minutes to the main building there is a staff restaurant (crap food, over priced) and some seating.

Its the shouty, patronising, dictatorial attitude that we like best.


----------



## fucthest8 (Oct 21, 2013)

Argh, I've been asked to scold all the men in the building for (1) pissing on the floor in the toilets (2) not flushing and (3) spending too long in the loo whilst using a mobile. (?!)

(1) and (2) just shouldn't even be necessary given everyone in the building is over 18 and (3) is just fucking stupid, I'm not scolding anyone for that - you've got no proof for a start and ... and ... oh I'm just fucking not. 

Grr.


----------



## joustmaster (Oct 21, 2013)

fucthest8 said:


> Argh, I've been asked to scold all the men in the building for (1) pissing on the floor in the toilets (2) not flushing and (3) spending too long in the loo whilst using a mobile. (?!)
> 
> (1) and (2) just shouldn't even be necessary given everyone in the building is over 18 and (3) is just fucking stupid, I'm not scolding anyone for that - you've got no proof for a start and ... and ... oh I'm just fucking not.
> 
> Grr.


find out how long they're allowed to spend in the toilet, per visit 
preferably ask for it in the form of a graph


----------



## fucthest8 (Oct 21, 2013)

I was going to include this handy link 

http://howmuchdoyougetpaidwhilegoingtothebathroomatwork.com/


----------



## Bob_the_lost (Oct 21, 2013)

fucthest8 said:


> Argh, I've been asked to scold all the men in the building for (1) pissing on the floor in the toilets (2) not flushing and (3) spending too long in the loo whilst using a mobile. (?!)
> 
> (1) and (2) just shouldn't even be necessary given everyone in the building is over 18 and (3) is just fucking stupid, I'm not scolding anyone for that - you've got no proof for a start and ... and ... oh I'm just fucking not.
> 
> Grr.





> To improve worker efficiency and hygiene standards, microwave direction finding and intercept devices and cameras have been installed in the toilet cubicles to ensure staff do not make phone calls or play candy crush whilst defecating. Doing so is anti-social, even if you do send a token to a friend to help unlock a level.
> 
> Secondly your shit does sink, but not all the way down. Flush for gods' sake, the handles aren't purely decorative.
> 
> Finally if you can't piss in a bowl due to physiological inability you have our sympathy and understanding. If you're just too lazy to aim then sit down or ask a friend to help.


----------



## artyfarty (Oct 21, 2013)

This little gem pretty much sums it all up...
I work in a company that includes both a design and a typesetting department!!


----------



## 5t3IIa (Oct 29, 2013)

Chum of mine made this. Your taxes pay his wages.


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 29, 2013)

scansion on that last stanza is atrocious. c-


----------



## ash (Nov 1, 2013)

This one I do agree with but it made me giggle all the same : )


Yesterday I left my lunch (cheese and tomato) in the fridge.

I was hoping to eat it today but I was gobsmacked to find it was no longer  there?

I hope whoever did this enjoyed eating my lunch and I’d appreciate it if you could return my Tupperware. 


It is not nice to take food that does not belong to you.


Thanks


----------



## Mr Retro (Nov 5, 2013)

This is the best thread on any boards anywhere ever. I work from home and I'm half thinking of quitting and getting a job which requires me to go into an office.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 5, 2013)

Mr Retro said:


> This is the best thread on any boards anywhere ever. I work from home and I'm half thinking of quitting and getting a job which requires me to go into an office.



Ah thank you, I am still proud of this one. 

*off to the book publisher to get printed for Christmas 2015*


----------



## cesare (Nov 5, 2013)

Badgers said:


> Ah thank you, I am still proud of this one.
> 
> *off to the book publisher to get printed for Christmas 2015*


Copy and paste it all into nanowrimo


----------



## Mr Retro (Nov 6, 2013)

Working from home means heavy use of Skype chat and Microsoft Communicator. The violence of the passive aggression that can be conveyed via the medium of the smiley is a joy. Typical type example:

"Have you got x report ready to send ? Don't want to have to explain in my board meeting why we don't have the info again this week!! Might have to ask <insert somebody that's supposed to impress> to give you a call "

Translation: "if report x I didn't actually ask for due to my incompetence, isn't in my inbox in 2 mins, I'll fucking hang you out to dry to the rest of the vipers nest in a meeting you won't be at"


----------



## Favelado (Nov 6, 2013)

artyfarty said:


> View attachment 42215
> 
> This little gem pretty much sums it all up...
> I work in a company that includes both a design and a typesetting department!!



I can't believe everyone at their house has a personal toilet. Lah-de-dah!


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 13, 2013)

I got sent home from work today because I almost fainted in the library. The two first aiders called by the librarian said I went a very funny colour. Which doesn't help the invoices get paid.

I'd had a couple of days of sick earlier this week so the librarian thinks I went back to work too soon. I haven't fainted for years, thankfully.

We've had a few scolding emails recently, mainly about swiping in and out and letting people know if we're going to be late or leaving early. So I made sure to swipe out when I got sent home, for all the good it does.


----------



## moose (Nov 14, 2013)

To: all_staff

Teaspoon Amnesty

Apologies for the blanket email, but we had a very embarrassing incident yesterday when [our client] came to visit for a full day kick-off meeting. There were no teaspoons in either kitchen, so we had no option but to offer a fork to stir hot drinks in the meeting room. 

If you have any teaspoons in your possession, please return them to the kitchen by end of play today. From tomorrow, I have instructed the cleaners to search your desks to round up any remaining teaspoons. 

Thank you for your cooperation.


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 14, 2013)

a true classic of the genre there ^^^ its banality cloaked in the language of srs bssns makes it for me


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 14, 2013)

Very embarrassing is probably stretching it a bit! It's as if Brenda herself was visiting!  

You know you can make teaspoons out of a metal that melts when stirring a brew? Maybe get a supply of them and switch all the normal teaspoons when a visitor is due.


----------



## Me76 (Nov 14, 2013)

Desk search is a bit harsh.  Surely a trip to Poundland would do?


----------



## Remus Harbank (Nov 14, 2013)

Badgers said:


> break out area


'area' is _the_ unword of our age…


----------



## joustmaster (Nov 14, 2013)

Me76 said:


> Desk search is a bit harsh.  Surely a trip to Poundland would do?


I'd fill my desk drawers with thousands of teaspoons


----------



## 5t3IIa (Nov 14, 2013)

More teaspoon action!



> Morning
> 
> Just to advise I have put all of the cutlery back through the dishwasher on an intense wash. There have been some tea spoons left out.
> 
> ...



Things did need another go through tbh. Reading between the lines I think the cleaners probably got a bollocking


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 14, 2013)

joustmaster said:


> I'd fill my desk drawers with thousands of teaspoons




ten thousand spoons when all they need is a fork


----------



## King Biscuit Time (Nov 14, 2013)

10p each. Gotta be worth lashing £30 on for shits and giggles. You could probably get most of the money back on ebay afterwards too.

http://www.allianceonline.co.uk/cutlery/economy-cutlery/scand-18-0/scand-18-0-teaspoon-lctss008.html


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 14, 2013)

moose said:


> To: all_staff
> Teaspoon Amnesty
> 
> Apologies for the blanket email, but we had a very embarrassing incident yesterday when [our client] came to visit for a full day kick-off meeting. There were no teaspoons in either kitchen, so we had no option but to offer a fork to stir hot drinks in the meeting room.
> ...



this bit is gold as well. Cos you know, when one is cleaning an office you deffo just leave the spoons where they lie, no mere cleaner could be expected to have the initiative to grab them and dump them by the office kitchen sink.

Unless the email means the tosspot has granted the right for cleaners to rummage through desk drawers, grubbing around in private things like the Spoon-Finder General.


----------



## moose (Nov 14, 2013)

I had a quick look today to see if they'd got any back, and there was just 1 in the kitchen drawer. I fear there may be wider repercussions 

If I could afford it, I'd buy millions of teaspoons, and have them poured through the front door by a man with a digger.


----------



## Ted Striker (Nov 14, 2013)

Stick them in the drawer of the notes' author.


----------



## marty21 (Nov 14, 2013)

moose said:


> To: all_staff
> Teaspoon Amnesty
> 
> Apologies for the blanket email, but we had a very embarrassing incident yesterday when [our client] came to visit for a full day kick-off meeting. There were no teaspoons in either kitchen, so we had no option but to offer a fork to stir hot drinks in the meeting room.
> ...


 that is excellent - search parties being sent out for escapee tea spoons


----------



## marty21 (Nov 14, 2013)

joustmaster said:


> find out how long they're allowed to spend in the toilet, per visit
> preferably ask for it in the form of a graph


 they should have a poo pie chart


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 14, 2013)

marty21 said:


> that is excellent - search parties being sent out for escapee tea spoons


I'd leave them around the office in really random places - like peeking out from behind the fire extinguisher or a pot plant. I would definitely make a pattern of spoons leading up to the author's desk.


----------



## Corax (Nov 14, 2013)

moose said:


> To: all_staff
> Teaspoon Amnesty
> 
> Apologies for the blanket email, but we had a very embarrassing incident yesterday when [our client] came to visit for a full day kick-off meeting. There were no teaspoons in either kitchen, so we had no option but to offer a fork to stir hot drinks in the meeting room.
> ...


I feel their teaspoony pain.

I got annoyed with fishing my teabag out with a fork at work so spent a princely sum on 2 dozen teaspoons and deposited them in the kitchen drawer.  An act of unparalleled philanthropy I'm sure you'll agree.

Two weeks later there were none.  There are only about 20 people on the corridor FFS...!


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 14, 2013)

I may also be tempted to create an instagram account documenting the adventures of the spoons away from the office


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 14, 2013)

I carry my own teaspoon to work and always keep it in my bag - avoid teaspoon traumas.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 14, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I carry my own teaspoon to work and always keep it in my bag - avoid teaspoon traumas.


I keep a set of cutlery in my drawer at work - all that is in the kitchen is a blunt cheese knife, a blunt bread knife and some plastic spoons.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 14, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> I may also be tempted to create an instagram account documenting the adventures of the spoons away from the office



Do it!  That would wind the teaspoon Nazis up!


----------



## Geri (Nov 14, 2013)

moose said:


> To: all_staff
> 
> Teaspoon Amnesty
> 
> ...


 
That just shows them up for a total lack of planning. They should have checked teaspoon levels the day before.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 14, 2013)

Geri said:


> That just shows them up for a total lack of planning. They should have checked teaspoon levels the day before.



Good point!  E-mail back and demand an explanation as to what exactly the official teaspoon manager was doing, and how this is a gross dereliction of teaspoon duty! 

And make sure you hit 'reply to all'.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 14, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Good point!  E-mail back and demand an explanation as to what exactly the official teaspoon manager was doing, and how this is a gross dereliction of teaspoon duty!
> 
> And make sure you hit 'reply to all'.


I would make a stock check spreadsheet for them and demand it's sent back to me at the close of play every day so appropriate graphs can be made and critical levels of teaspoonness shown in red.


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 14, 2013)

alternatively you could email back saying 'NEXT TIME I'LL STIR IT WITH MY UNWASHED PENIS'


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 14, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> I would make a stock check spreadsheet for them and demand it's sent back to me at the close of play every day so appropriate graphs can be made and critical levels of teaspoonness shown in red.



It is clearly vital MI that needs to be captured, so I'd design a ridiculously complex spreadsheet to help them along.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Nov 14, 2013)

joustmaster said:


> I'd fill my desk drawers with thousands of teaspoons



stop stirring it...


----------



## Corax (Nov 14, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> It is clearly vital MI that needs to be captured, so I'd design a ridiculously complex spreadsheet to help them along.


Good plan. I insist on RAG rating as well.

ETA: And some sort of teaspoon-user stakeholder analysis too.


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 14, 2013)

Silas Loom

you are a fucking tyrant who has cost/benefit analysis in the place where normal people keep a soul. How would you deal with this teaspoon issue?


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Nov 14, 2013)

I'd send someone out to Pret to steal some.


----------



## moose (Nov 14, 2013)

DotCommunist said:


> alternatively you could email back saying 'NEXT TIME I'LL STIR IT WITH MY UNWASHED PENIS'


That might not work as they know I don't actually have a penis  Someone brought in a whole load of plastic spoons today


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 14, 2013)

Corax said:


> Good plan. I insist on RAG rating as well.
> 
> ETA: And some sort of teaspoon-user stakeholder analysis too.



Definitely - a proper analysis of the teaspoon crisis, input from the procurement team, a project plan to address it, RAG charts identifying key business risks all feeding into a Board papers to enable them to make the appropriate decisions.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 14, 2013)

moose said:


> That might not work as they know I don't actually have a penis  Someone brought in a whole load of plastic spoons today



That assumes you have actually shown them your genitals!  I guess you haven't so you might be able to get away with it if you printed it at home and plastered the wall at work with it. 

Beware the yellow microdots on work printers...


----------



## red rose (Nov 14, 2013)

Print out this BMJ study regarding teaspoons and display it in the kitchen?

http://www.bmj.com/content/331/7531/1498

Or buy new tea spoons, subtly mark them and conduct your own tea spoon study


----------



## ash (Nov 14, 2013)

DotCommunist said:


> alternatively you could email back saying 'NEXT TIME I'LL STIR IT WITH MY UNWASHED PENIS'


This has just given me a flashback to a friend who was so pissed off with his flatmate using his jam that he dipped his in it!!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 14, 2013)

red rose said:


> Print out this BMJ study regarding teaspoons and display it in the kitchen?
> 
> http://www.bmj.com/content/331/7531/1498
> 
> Or buy new tea spoons, subtly mark them and conduct your own tea spoon study



'teaspoon half life' and '100 teaspoon years'.


----------



## catinthehat (Nov 15, 2013)

This may have already been posted and I suspect it is made up - but it made me laugh


----------



## emanymton (Nov 15, 2013)

catinthehat said:


> This may have already been posted and I suspect it is made up - but it made me laughView attachment 43474


How on earth is that external?


----------



## Corax (Nov 15, 2013)

red rose said:


> Or buy new tea spoons, subtly mark them and conduct your own tea spoon study


I'd need to attach RFID to them or something though, which may be a bit obvious.


----------



## StoneRoad (Nov 18, 2013)

Major "panic" today - workshop had "vanished" virtually all the joiner's pencils and metal rules.......some important work got held up while we all had a look around, there is a wide range of places you can put stuff down on and then not be able to see it........eventually enough of them got herded back home.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 18, 2013)

StoneRoad said:


> Major "panic" today - workshop had "vanished" virtually all the joiner's pencils and metal rules.......some important work got held up while we all had a look around, there is a wide range of places you can put stuff down on and then not be able to see it........eventually enough of them got herded back home.


The pencils and rules were ganging up to form an escape committee, weren't they?


----------



## StoneRoad (Nov 19, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> The pencils and rules were ganging up to form an escape committee, weren't they?


 yep - along with a couple or three chisels, planes and a tennon saw. All found on top of other things, above eye level - apart from one of the planes, which was underneath two pieces of wood !

the question is - which one of us "lost" them this time? Not me, as I was painting........


----------



## heinous seamus (Nov 19, 2013)

Enough 'workshop' talk, this thread is about boring office jobs only. You're making the rest of us feel inferior


----------



## kabbes (Nov 19, 2013)

> Dear all,
> 
> 
> It has been brought to our attention meeting rooms, in particular the Boardroom, are not being cleared after use.  These rooms are constantly in use so we are asking you to clear any notes or materials you have used at the end of your meeting leaving it clear and tidy for the next person.  We had an example this morning where external people were coming in for an important meeting and the boardroom glass panels were full of post it notes.
> ...


----------



## teuchter (Nov 19, 2013)

Can you update us on Friday on what all the "options" are re. clearing confidential documents from desks?


----------



## kabbes (Nov 19, 2013)

teuchter said:


> Can you update us on Friday on what all the "options" are re. clearing confidential documents from desks?


Since I am currently on my notice period, I am rarely here on a Friday, being too busy "working from home".


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Nov 19, 2013)

teuchter said:


> Can you update us on Friday on what all the "options" are re. clearing confidential documents from desks?


----------



## StoneRoad (Nov 19, 2013)

heinous seamus said:


> Enough 'workshop' talk, this thread is about boring office jobs only. You're making the rest of us feel inferior



Sorry about that - normally the one doing the office-based tasks is me, usually with quite a bit of impolite muttering at the d****ed technology, but I also get roped into helping out the other side of the glass panels quite often.

Today's entertainment was a notice put up in the loos, as an expensive bit of kit was left there yesterday, and vanished within 5 minutes ..........


----------



## Corax (Nov 19, 2013)

StoneRoad said:


> Major "panic" today - workshop had "vanished" virtually all the joiner's pencils and metal rules.......some important work got held up while we all had a look around, there is a wide range of places you can put stuff down on and then not be able to see it........eventually enough of them got herded back home.


You clearly need to pay a consultancy firm £10k for a week's consultancy advising you on 'visual management' - how to construct a shadow-board and maybe put some bright tape on the floor to show where things go.

Tell you what though, seeing as you're an urb I'll do it for only £5k plus expenses.  I'm cutting my own throat at that price, but it's good to give a little back sometimes isn't it?


----------



## StoneRoad (Nov 19, 2013)

Corax said:


> You clearly need to pay a consultancy firm £10k for a week's consultancy advising you on 'visual management' - how to construct a shadow-board and maybe put some bright tape on the floor to show where things go.
> 
> Tell you what though, seeing as you're an urb I'll do it for only £5k plus expenses.  I'm cutting my own throat at that price, but it's good to give a little back sometimes isn't it?



Thanks for the offer - but really all we need to do is be a *bit* tidier.........lesson has been learnt, and some things got put away today.......not everything, but enough of a start!


----------



## Corax (Nov 19, 2013)

StoneRoad said:


> Thanks for the offer - but really all we need to do is be a *bit* tidier.........


No no no! Don't blame the people, it's your _*processes*_ that are at fault.  You're clearly in desperate need of me to come in and conduct some Ohno's Circle observations, before providing you with some recommendations which I'll then assist you in translating into a remedial action plan.

I'll call it £4.5k (plus expenses) StoneRoad, but I can't go any lower than that.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 20, 2013)

We've had an email round about the new segregated waste police that's coming in. Basically our bins at the desks are being taken off us and waste has to be separated in paper, plastics, food, tins etc. They've decided cardboard should be on a special uplift 'because there's not very much of it', except on our floor the photocopier goes through two or boxes a day of paper and there's nowhere to store the flattened cardboard.

I can see this will be entertaining.


----------



## Corax (Nov 20, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> We've had an email round about the new segregated waste police that's coming in. Basically our bins at the desks are being taken off us and waste has to be separated in paper, plastics, food, tins etc. They've decided cardboard should be on a special uplift 'because there's not very much of it', except on our floor the photocopier goes through two or boxes a day of paper and there's nowhere to store the flattened cardboard.
> 
> I can see this will be entertaining.


Send all the cardboard to the estates/waste manager in the internal post.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 20, 2013)

Corax said:


> Send all the cardboard to the estates/waste manager in the internal post.


Store it near an electrical device and then 'accidentally' set fire to it. That get the policy changed. 

They started that policy at ours years ago, and there was nowhere to store it - so we just got our friendly cleaner to chuck it in the general waste.


----------



## teuchter (Nov 20, 2013)

I've got a radical idea: tell the person implementing the policy that there's a problem and see if they can adjust the system to deal with it.


----------



## UnderAnOpenSky (Nov 20, 2013)

Isn't recycling a good thing?


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 20, 2013)

Global Stoner said:


> Isn't recycling a good thing?


Yes, it is.

But not managing recycling properly seems a bit silly when you've gone to all the trouble in the first place.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 20, 2013)

teuchter said:


> I've got a radical idea: tell the person implementing the policy that there's a problem and see if they can adjust the system to deal with it.


Gosh, I'd have never thought of that one my own.

Do you not think I've tried that? Currently waiting for them to get back to me. I won't hold my breath.


----------



## Corax (Nov 20, 2013)

Corax said:


> No no no! Don't blame the people, it's your _*processes*_ that are at fault.  You're clearly in desperate need of me to come in and conduct some Ohno's Circle observations, before providing you with some recommendations which I'll then assist you in translating into a remedial action plan.
> 
> I'll call it £4.5k (plus expenses) StoneRoad, but I can't go any lower than that.


I'm tempted to report StoneRoad for his appalling lack of gratitude in response to my unbelievably generous offer.  

FFS FridgeMagnet, if ever there was a banning offence this is it!!!


----------



## StoneRoad (Nov 20, 2013)

Corax said:


> I'm tempted to report StoneRoad for his appalling lack of gratitude in response to my unbelievably generous offer.
> 
> FFS FridgeMagnet, if ever there was a banning offence this is it!!!



sorry, Corax, I've been busy writing yet another report / tender for work ......... so doing "proper" office work, against a background of woodwork machinery noise (I need my ear defenders!) but the boss says we'll have to manage without your kind assistance.


----------



## Corax (Nov 20, 2013)

StoneRoad said:


> sorry, Corax, I've been busy writing yet another report / tender for work ......... so doing "proper" office work, against a background of woodwork machinery noise (I need my ear defenders!) but the boss says we'll have to manage without your kind assistance.


Aw, that sucks.  Not for *me*, but for your company.  Passing up an opportunity like this?  Your boss must be (and I'm sorry to be so frank) an utter idiot.

Look on the bright side though - there's obviously a golden chance for you there.  Your direct superior is incompetent, whilst you have the skillset and judgement to really bring the company up to the next level by utilising third-party acumen to maximise your productivity and leverage outsourced potentialities.  To be honest, you should be sitting in his/her chair right now.  We should talk about career coaching, and I can arrange some invaluable mentoring for you as well.  Don't tell my finance guys, but you'll get a hefty discount as you're urbanz of course.  

Crying shame that your boss has passed up the Visual Management gift I put on the table.  I'll still have to invoice you for the preparatory work and research time that I put in.  Sorry about that, but it's standard practice and the company lawyers tell me that in the context your lack of refusal constitutes a clear contract for pre-work.  Shouldn't amount to more than a grand though, and I'll try to do the "mates' rates" thing and knock off anything I can.  Pm me your invoicing address and I'll get the accounts guys to sort it out.


----------



## ash (Nov 21, 2013)

Here's a corker:	   

We are aware that without the screens that used to be up between bays sound travels much more and we are all probably more aware of each other’s personal conversations. The positives of not having the screens is that there is more light and we are able to see each other which is great. However, the noise level is having a stressful effect on some staff and effecting their ability to do their job. We all carry out different roles which require different levels of concentration but the noise sometimes makes it difficult for staff to concentrate and to make work related phones calls.


We would like to suggest that we have 2 quiet working times perhaps between 10-30 and 12.30 and 2.00 - 4.00?


We are not expecting that there should be complete silence during these times. Obviously if staff need to make or answer phone calls or talk to a colleagues about a work related matters that would be OK, but during this time if staff want to chat about matters that are not to do with work perhaps they could use the 6th floor staff room?  


We think a quieter work space would be appreciated by lots of us. Please let me know if you would be happy to try out having quiet times.


Best regards


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 21, 2013)

ash said:


> Here's a corker:
> 
> We are aware that without the screens that used to be up between bays sound travels much more and we are all probably more aware of each other’s personal conversations. The positives of not having the screens is that there is more light and we are able to see each other which is great. However, the noise level is having a stressful effect on some staff and effecting their ability to do their job. We all carry out different roles which require different levels of concentration but the noise sometimes makes it difficult for staff to concentrate and to make work related phones calls.
> 
> ...


Doomed to fail.


----------



## Corax (Nov 21, 2013)

ash said:


> Here's a corker:
> 
> We are aware that without the screens that used to be up between bays sound travels much more and we are all probably more aware of each other’s personal conversations. The positives of not having the screens is that there is more light and we are able to see each other which is great. However, the noise level is having a stressful effect on some staff and effecting their ability to do their job. We all carry out different roles which require different levels of concentration but the noise sometimes makes it difficult for staff to concentrate and to make work related phones calls.
> 
> ...



*Reply All"


> the noise level is having a stressful effect on some staff and effecting *a*ffecting their ability to do their job.



Regards,
ash


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Nov 21, 2013)

> The positives of not having the screens is *are* that there is more light and we are able to see each other which is great.





> a work related matters


 or 





> a work related matters



Love, Ash.


----------



## ash (Nov 21, 2013)

Corax said:


> *Reply All"
> 
> 
> Regards,
> ash





Silas Loom said:


> or
> 
> Love, Ash.



Even more amusing when you put this in the context of  the organisation being a provider of education


----------



## red rose (Nov 21, 2013)

I had to send an office scolding email last week (the whole time I was writing it I was thinking, "what would urban say if they knew?" )

The first line of the email was "please read and respond to confirm that you have received this message"

I got three responses, that's a return of about 6% 

Today my line manager asked me to send a follow up email to everyone who didn't reply.  So I copied the original email and doubled the font size of the "please read and respond" sentence.

I intend to keep doing this once a week until I get a response from everyone or until I discover the upper limit for font sizes


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Nov 21, 2013)

red rose said:


> I intend to keep doing this once a week until I get a response from everyone or until I discover the upper limit for font sizes



can you do emoticon art in your e-mail system?


----------



## teuchter (Nov 22, 2013)

red rose said:


> I had to send an office scolding email last week (the whole time I was writing it I was thinking, "what would urban say if they knew?" )
> 
> The first line of the email was "please read and respond to confirm that you have received this message"
> 
> ...



I'm sure they all responded in a way that confirmed they had recieved the message. You cannot prove that they did not comply with your instruction. So, I suggest that in your next email you include a clarification about the exact nature if response you require, and apologise for harassing them.


----------



## Maltin (Nov 22, 2013)

red rose said:


> The first line of the email was "please read and respond to confirm that you have received this message"


Can't you set up delivery and read receipts on the email to confirm?


----------



## Sapphireblue (Nov 22, 2013)

Maltin said:


> Can't you set up delivery and read receipts on the email to confirm?



yes but, if people aren't responding, that means they may have skim-read the email at best but they haven't actually fucking read it or they'd know they need to respond.

in my experience any long email or email sent to a large group of people does not get (fully) read _regardless of how absolutely crucial the information contained within is to the recipient._


----------



## teuchter (Nov 25, 2013)

Although this doesn't technically come within the scope of this thread's title, it's what came to mind as soon as I saw it.

A train company offering its passengers a bit of patronising, passive-aggressive scolding.

http://www.firstcapitalconnect.co.u...ct-launches-modern-day-guide-train-etiquette/


----------



## StoneRoad (Nov 25, 2013)

teuchter said:


> Although this doesn't technically come within the scope of this thread's title, it's what came to mind as soon as I saw it.
> 
> A train company offering its passengers a bit of patronising, passive-aggressive scolding.
> 
> http://www.firstcapitalconnect.co.u...ct-launches-modern-day-guide-train-etiquette/



Can't decide if I should laugh or cry at that.....................to me, at least, most of those are common sense!


----------



## eatmorecheese (Nov 26, 2013)

> Dear xxxxx Centre,
> I am writing with regards to the 3rd floor  communal toilet near the kitchen which are routinely left in an appalling state. And today is no exception.  However, I must direct this to the person who left the toilet in an absolutely disgusting state. ‘WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU’.  This is completely unacceptable, you’ve left the toilet bowl in such a mess, it doesn’t even look human.  For goodness sake!  We are all adults here and I assume bought up to some level of social standard. And most of us here are responsible for instilling an acceptable way of conducting oneself in the young people we see, so I really can’t believe what I’ve just seen.  It doesn’t take much to make sure you check that you leave the toilets clean and tidy ready for the next user.  PLEASE STAY IN THERE AN FLUSH AGAIN IF YOU HAVE TO.
> It obvious that there are some people here that need to be more considerate of others in this building.  So please let us all be a little more mindful of others, we all want nice clean facilities and a healthy environment to work in, so all lets work together on this and keep things clean and tidy.
> Many thanks for your corporation.
> Kind regards


 
The sender has a point, although I don't know why I'm being thanked in advance for my "corporation"...


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Nov 26, 2013)

Does the toilet bowl normally look human then? That sounds rather disturbing.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 26, 2013)

Maybe they were comparing the faeces with other animals - so perhaps the toilet bowl was full of what appeared to be rabbit droppings. Like a big bowl of chocolate m & ms.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Dec 5, 2013)

Orang Utan


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 5, 2013)

I have started another thread already


----------



## teuchter (Dec 5, 2013)

Somebody put this up at my workplace yesterday


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 5, 2013)

teuchter said:


> Somebody put this up at my workplace yesterday


Well stop nicking other people's tea bags, you bloody tea leaf.


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 5, 2013)

Oooh a cut above the usual scold - loving the use of bright colours and decent design.


----------



## Corax (Dec 5, 2013)

teuchter said:


> Somebody put this up at my workplace yesterday


Backing card and everything - the *work* that went into that!


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 5, 2013)

teuchter said:


> Somebody put this up at my workplace yesterday


Oy, don't fuck around. That's a cunt's trick!
http://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/passive-aggressive-notices-at-work.318081/


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 5, 2013)

Corax said:


> Backing card and everything - the *work* that went into that!


It only took five minutes


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Dec 5, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Well stop nicking other people's tea bags, you bloody tea leaf.



stop stirring it...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 5, 2013)

Puddy_Tat said:


> stop stirring it...



Stop milking this for poor jokes.


----------



## joustmaster (Dec 5, 2013)

Orang Utan said:


> Oy, don't fuck around. That's a cunt's trick!
> http://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/passive-aggressive-notices-at-work.318081/


its pretty funny though


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 5, 2013)

It's my photo though


----------



## joustmaster (Dec 5, 2013)

Orang Utan said:


> It's my photo though


and its beautiful.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Dec 7, 2013)




----------



## equationgirl (Dec 7, 2013)

Puddy_Tat said:


>


Could really do with that one in our ladies at present, it's disgusting.


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 7, 2013)

nothings worse than pub bogs the morning after NYE. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Shite up the walls, the works


----------



## teuchter (Dec 11, 2013)

http://gawker.com/this-coffeehouse-..._source=gawker_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 11, 2013)

That's great. Dunno why there is a


----------



## teuchter (Dec 12, 2013)

Orang Utan said:


> That's great. Dunno why there is a


It's patronising, sanctimonius, and is basically saying that their default assumption is that the customer has no manners, which alienates anyone who would say "s'il vous plait" anyway. On top of that they take their lecturing a further step too far by demanding that we say "bonjour" as well.

"Please" is common courtesy and I will say it because that's what I always do, rather than because their scolding sign tells me to. Whether I wish them a good day is my choice, and I don't feel like wishing them a good day if they are presenting me with a sign like this.

Therefore, I shall go to the cafe down the road, merci bien.


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 12, 2013)

teuchter said:


> It's patronising, sanctimonius, and is basically saying that their default assumption is that the customer has no manners


Course it is, it's French. It's still brilliant. I would always say hello and please and it did not alienate me.


----------



## Corax (Dec 12, 2013)

teuchter said:


> It's patronising, sanctimonius, and is basically saying that their default assumption is that the customer has no manners, which alienates anyone who would say "s'il vous plait" anyway. On top of that they take their lecturing a further step too far by demanding that we say "bonjour" as well.


They're demanding nothing of the sort.

Ask in a normal way, with a please, you get the standard price.
Be especially nice and say hello first, you get a bargain.  E1.40 probably does little more than cover cost.
Be rude, you get ripped off.

The default assumption is that the customer has perfectly good manners and will be charged a normal price.  They get rewarded for going to the next level of friendliness, and punished for being a twat.

And the guy has said that most of his customers are regulars and have responded in good humour.


----------



## teuchter (Dec 12, 2013)

It's a good scheme for identifying who would be pliant under a fascist regime, anyway.


----------



## Corax (Dec 12, 2013)

Good scheme for driving away customers with a stick up their arse too it seems!


----------



## Mation (Dec 13, 2013)

> Good morning beloved colleagues!
> 
> You may have noticed that the office door is sticking again and so doesn’t always shut automatically. I will go find a technical fixing type person, but in the meantime, please pull it shut behind you or all manner of strangers, beasties, or burglars might sneak in.
> 
> Happy Friday.


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Jan 3, 2014)

We had an excellent couple of emails from the Office Manager today. 

Email #1:


> Where:
> a selection of cup a soup and canned soups are available in the kitchen – look inside the cupboard
> 
> Consideration:
> ...



And then a couple of hours later, in 36pt bold:


> It has been brought to  attention that hot drinks are being taken to the upper floors.
> 
> For Healthy and Safety reasons please DO NOT take hot drinks and soups to the 1st and 2nd floors.
> 
> ...



I particularly like how there are so many errors in the second email, as if she was in such a hurry to send it because OMG ALL THE BURNINGS!!!111 *  *


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 3, 2014)

Buddy Bradley said:


> We had an excellent couple of emails from the Office Manager today.
> 
> Email #1:
> 
> ...



The Office Manager clearly hasn't got enough work to do if they are getting involved in things like this.


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Jan 3, 2014)

Soupgate is apparently not over yet... 



> Hi all – please take note of below in highlighted RED – Very Important Please.
> 
> *Caution:*
> 
> ...


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 3, 2014)

It looks like this person will be easy to wind up. Go on, Buddy!


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Jan 3, 2014)

Tempted to tip the microwave backwards and empty a few tins of soup into it, shut the door, then right it again...


----------



## smmudge (Jan 3, 2014)

fucking hell, this soup business seems like more trouble than it's worth.


----------



## Miss Caphat (Jan 3, 2014)

Buddy Bradley said:


> Soupgate is apparently not over yet...



OMG, who would be stupid enough to put a can of soup in the microwave though  I kind of sympathize w/ the note writer on that one!


----------



## Enviro (Jan 3, 2014)

Miss Caphat said:


> OMG, who would be stupid enough to put a can of soup in the microwave though  I kind of sympathize w/ the note writer on that one!



Suspect the office manager's superior found the first e-mail to be lacking clarity in that regard? or did someone actually try and heat soup still in a tin in the microwave


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 3, 2014)

Why is it ok to have a cup-a-soup at your desk, but not heated canned soup? They're both hot liquids and no different to tea or coffee?


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Jan 3, 2014)

They're both antisocially smelly in a way that tea and coffee aren't, but cup-a-soup is worse.


----------



## renegadechicken (Jan 3, 2014)

This was sent today..

If you are using the toilet for anything other than water waste please ensure you leave the toilet in an acceptable condition when you have finished so others can also use it.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 3, 2014)

Silas Loom said:


> They're both antisocially smelly in a way that tea and coffee aren't, but cup-a-soup is worse.


My lunchtime soup smells nowhere near as bad as the canned fish the man two desks across every day, without fail.


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Jan 3, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> My lunchtime soup smells nowhere near as bad as the canned fish the man two desks across every day, without fail.



Two wrongs do not make a right. 

I once worked with a woman who microwaved broccoli every couple of hours. The smell was extraordinary, eye-watering.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 3, 2014)

Silas Loom said:


> Two wrongs do not make a right.
> 
> I once worked with a woman who microwaved broccoli every couple of hours. The smell was extraordinary, eye-watering.


It's tomato soup most of the time. It does not smell.


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Jan 3, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> It's tomato soup most of the time. It does not smell.



I even googled "smell of tomato soup" and was about to wave the thousands upon thousands of results at you, but sanity prevailed. This is between you and your workmates. I have no dog in this fight. You can claim that tomato soup is odourless and I will not argue.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 3, 2014)

Silas Loom said:


> I even googled "smell of tomato soup" and was about to wave the thousands upon thousands of results at you, but sanity prevailed. This is between you and your workmates. I have no dog in this fight. You can claim that tomato soup is odourless and I will not argue.


Most of us have soup. There is no fight.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 3, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> It looks like this person will be easy to wind up. Go on, Buddy!



Yes, get everyone to ask for formal training in how to use a microwave, and go prepared with lists of really dumb questions.

'My shoes got wet on the way to work.  Can I use the microwave to dry them?'

'The toilet roll in the toilets is always too cold.  Can I warm it up in the microwave?'

'Does the microwave chill things as well as heat them?'

'Can I make toast in the microwave?'

'Will I get radiation poisoning from using the microwave?'


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 3, 2014)

And BB - she crucially has forgotten to mention other forms of metal like foil etc.  So hours of fun could be had by putting various things in there and waiting for it to go bang.  How about you just happened to fancy some boiled eggs in the morning, but weren't to know you had to pierce the egg first to stop it exploding?  They really should have given comprehensive instructions.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 3, 2014)

Egg in the microwave is fun


----------



## Geri (Jan 3, 2014)

God, some of your workplaces sound like prisons. I eat tinned salmon sandwiches and curried parsnip soup at my desk. I sometimes walk upstairs carrying a hot drink. 

I'm surprised I haven't been sacked or scalded to death by now.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 3, 2014)

And I have always wanted to carry out these experiments, but don't really want to break a microwave, so maybe you could try these at work and report back?

http://margo.student.utwente.nl/el/microwave/

http://amasci.com/weird/microwave/voltage1.html


----------



## StoneRoad (Jan 3, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Egg in the microwave is fun


 
but not if you have to clean it out because the person having fun ran away ........... when I catch up with them there will be trouble ......


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 3, 2014)

Well carrying an uncovered hot item up the stairs when there is a lift could be dangerous.


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Jan 3, 2014)

My current workplace doesn't have microwaves or kettles, so the opportunities for danger and disaster are limited. The hot drink machines are located on alternate floors, but they are too expensive for many people to consider ferrying drinks up and down stairs.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 3, 2014)

Silas Loom said:


> My current workplace doesn't have microwaves or kettles, so the opportunities for danger and disaster are limited. The hot drink machines are located on alternate floors, but they are too expensive for many people to consider ferrying drinks up and down stairs.



I hope you at least have one of those Zip boiler tap things so you can make your own brews.  I'd be severely pissed off if I wasn't able to maintain my frankly excessive tea making, as that would mean I'd have to spend 7 more hours a day actually working.


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Jan 3, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I hope you at least have one of those Zip boiler tap things so you can make your own brews.



Nope.

I used to run a business within a larger group and whined all the time about the excessive overhead I bore and the lavish cost base. So they sold the business and TUPEd the employees to a firm which takes parsimony to extraordinary levels. New starters are so astounded that they don't get paternity leave or direct lines that the coffee situation gets overlooked for a while.


----------



## Geri (Jan 3, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> Well carrying an uncovered hot item up the stairs when there is a lift could be dangerous.


 
Well, using a lift is dangerous. What if you failed to notice that it hadn't levelled properly and tripped over it, spilling your scalding hot drink all over a colleague? What if the lift broke down and you had a panic attack and fainted, scalding yourself in the process?

Better to just ban hot drinks or food entirely and make sure people can only drink water and sandwiches. It's not like we are adults who are perfectly capable of carrying a cup of coffee upstairs without injuring ourselves or anyone else.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 3, 2014)

Silas Loom said:


> Nope.
> 
> I used to run a business within a larger group and whined all the time about the excessive overhead I bore and the lavish cost base. So they sold the business and TUPEd the employees to a firm which takes parsimony to extraordinary levels. New starters are so astounded that they don't get paternity leave or direct lines that the coffee situation gets overlooked for a while.



The barbarians!  But essentially it is all your fault for moaning so much, so I've not got much sympathy.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 3, 2014)

Geri said:


> Well, using a lift is dangerous. What if you failed to notice that it hadn't levelled properly and tripped over it, spilling your scalding hot drink all over a colleague? What if the lift broke down and you had a panic attack and fainted, scalding yourself in the process?
> 
> Better to just ban hot drinks or food entirely and make sure people can only drink water and sandwiches. It's not like we are adults who are perfectly capable of carrying a cup of coffee upstairs without injuring ourselves or anyone else.


You'd wouldn't think I work in an adult workplace given the coffee stains on our stairs


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 3, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> You'd wouldn't think I work in an adult workplace given the coffee stains on our stairs



They're not coffee stains...


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 3, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> They're not coffee stains...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 3, 2014)

equationgirl said:


>



You've got scat fiends in your workplace!


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 3, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> You've got scat fiends in your workplace!


*shudders*


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 3, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> *shudders*



I was going to ask whether you've got any colleagues with shit-eating grins in the office, but thought better of it...


----------



## Corax (Jan 4, 2014)

Geri said:


> God, some of your workplaces sound like prisons. I eat tinned salmon sandwiches and curried parsnip soup at my desk. I sometimes walk upstairs carrying a hot drink.
> 
> I'm surprised I haven't been sacked or scalded to death by now.


Yep.  Some of it sounds like a dystopian nightmare.

I can do what the fuck I like at work tbh, as long as I deliver on what I've agreed to and don't piss anyone off too much in the process.  The idea of having people monitoring my every mouseclick and telling me where I could eat certain foods sends horrified shivers down my spine.  I suspect I would have utilised a fork from the communal kitchen in a distinctly unauthorised manner towards someone's neck a long time ago.  The resulting email could have been their epitaph.


----------



## emanymton (Jan 4, 2014)

Could all staff please bear in mind that the cooking utensils and cutlery in the kitchen have been provided for everyone's benefit and for the preparation and consumption of food only. Using them as weapons of murder is NOT permitted, and inconveniences us _all_ when the police remove them as evidence.

Thank you for your cooperation.


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Jan 4, 2014)

Corax said:


> Yep.  Some of it sounds like a dystopian nightmare.
> 
> I can do what the fuck I like at work tbh, as long as I deliver on what I've agreed to and don't piss anyone off too much in the process.  The idea of having people monitoring my every mouseclick and telling me where I could eat certain foods sends horrified shivers down my spine.  I suspect I would have utilised a fork from the communal kitchen in a distinctly unauthorised manner towards someone's neck a long time ago.  The resulting email could have been their epitaph.


To be fair, I'm exactly the same - I can do what I want, when I want, how I want, turn up and go home when I want (if I want) - but the office is also home to a Call Centre so there's a lot of underpaid dumb twenty-somethings who probably do need microwave instruction advice.


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Jan 4, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> How about you just happened to fancy some boiled eggs in the morning, but weren't to know you had to pierce the egg first to stop it exploding?  They really should have given comprehensive instructions.


I didn't actually know that.  Although it would never have occurred to me to try to boil an egg in a microwave anyway...


----------



## killer b (Jan 4, 2014)

despite the pervasiveness of microwave ovens, it is still possible to make it into one's 20s without having had any significant experience of them, and it only takes one tin to fuck them up: in which case, I'd say a warning (on the microwave at least) isn't exactly overkill.


----------



## Johnny Canuck3 (Jan 4, 2014)

Corax said:


> They're demanding nothing of the sort.
> 
> Ask in a normal way, with a please, you get the standard price.
> Be especially nice and say hello first, you get a bargain.  E1.40 probably does little more than cover cost.
> ...



I read somewhere that the actual cost of coffee in a 2.20 pound cappuccino is 8 pence. The paper cup costs more than the coffee.

So not only is the guy  getting rich off his customers, he's getting them to jump through behavioural hoops in the process.


----------



## killer b (Jan 4, 2014)

that 8p figure is made up you know johnny. or is from so far back in the supply chain to be totally meaningless (hey, if you picked the beans yourself, that cup of coffee would be FREE!)


----------



## Johnny Canuck3 (Jan 4, 2014)

killer b said:


> that 8p figure is made up you know johnny. or is from so far back in the supply chain to be totally meaningless (hey, if you picked the beans yourself, that cup of coffee would be FREE!)



What do you think the coffee cost is to the café owner?


----------



## killer b (Jan 4, 2014)

I'd imagine it depends on the amount of coffee they're ordering at a time. but the cost of a cup of coffee isn't just the beans anyway is it? it's rent, rates, utilities, staff, etc etc. Saying 'your cup of coffee costs 8p, you're being ripped off' is total bollocks.


----------



## Johnny Canuck3 (Jan 4, 2014)

Actually said, the cost of the coffee in the cup is 8 pence, and that the paper cup costs more.

The total cost to the café owner will include overhead etc; but generally, the markup on a cup of coffee is about 300% apparently.

Not a bad profit.

Other totally ridiculous markups:

http://www.nbcnews.com/id/39490829/...nance/t/items-ludicrous-markups/#.UsfbQJKA2po


----------



## killer b (Jan 4, 2014)

you know the difference between markup and profit don't you?


----------



## Johnny Canuck3 (Jan 4, 2014)

killer b said:


> you know the difference between markup and profit don't you?



You know the connection between markup and profit, don't you?


----------



## killer b (Jan 4, 2014)

fuck this.


----------



## Corax (Jan 4, 2014)

What killer b said.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 4, 2014)

Buddy Bradley said:


> I didn't actually know that.  Although it would never have occurred to me to try to boil an egg in a microwave anyway...



It wouldn't occur to me either, but there are obviously some people dumb enough to do it.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 4, 2014)

killer b said:


> despite the pervasiveness of microwave ovens, it is still possible to make it into one's 20s without having had any significant experience of them, and it only takes one tin to fuck them up: in which case, I'd say a warning (on the microwave at least) isn't exactly overkill.



The manuals apparently do contains the necessary warnings, so rather than festooning the thing with so many warnings it looks like a nuclear reactor, just insist that people in workplaces read the manual.  If you're in your twenties you should be capable of understanding the manual.


----------



## joustmaster (Jan 4, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> It wouldn't occur to me either, but there are obviously some people dumb enough to do it.


i exploded and egg in a microwave, once.
I had tried to hard boil it, but when i half peeled it found it only to be soft boiled.
I stuck it in the microwave for 10 seconds in full power.

it made an amazing JFK style mess


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 4, 2014)

joustmaster said:


> i exploded and egg in a microwave, once.
> I had tried to hard boil it, but when i half peeled it found it only to be soft boiled.
> I stuck it in the microwave for 10 seconds in full power.
> 
> it made an amazing JFK style mess



*applauds*


----------



## Corax (Jan 4, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> The manuals apparently do contains the necessary warnings, so rather than festooning the thing with so many warnings it looks like a nuclear reactor, just insist that people in workplaces read the manual.  If you're in your twenties you should be capable of understanding the manual.


You'd also need to put a staff list on the wall and get people to sign once they'd read the manual, and then keep a spreadsheet showing who'd read it, and also incorporate some time for reading the manual into the mandatory staff induction programme.  You'd probably also need to write an addendum to the health and safety policy, and include it on the risk register along with a statement that you'd chosen to 'Mitigate' the risk and a brief action plan outlining all of the above.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 4, 2014)

Corax said:


> You'd also need to put a staff list on the wall and get people to sign once they'd read the manual, and then keep a spreadsheet showing who'd read it, and also incorporate some time for reading the manual into the mandatory staff induction programme.  You'd probably also need to write an addendum to the health and safety policy, and include it on the risk register along with a statement that you'd chosen to 'Mitigate' the risk and a brief action plan outlining all of the above.



All sounds perfectly reasonable.


----------



## emanymton (Jan 4, 2014)

joustmaster said:


> i exploded and egg in a microwave, once.
> I had tried to hard boil it, but when i half peeled it found it only to be soft boiled.
> I stuck it in the microwave for 10 seconds in full power.
> 
> it made an amazing JFK style mess


What, it ballsed up an invasion of Cuba?


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 8, 2014)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 8, 2014)

I remember someone puking in the bin by their desk once. He'd unwittingly eaten something he wasn't allowed to (coeliac disease I think).

The poor bloke was mortified, but he couldn't help it. Imagine trying to run through an open plan office trying to stop the sick from coming out and projectile vomiting all over your colleagues.  

Actually, there are some colleagues I'd happily drench in vomit.


----------



## kabbes (Jan 8, 2014)

I'd get rid of the actual name, if I were you!  Although, I see from his LinkdIn that he will be overseeing innovative solutions for business and residential customers who have been let down by bigger ISPs in terms of service and product quality.


----------



## Bears (Jan 8, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


>


It really could've been much, much worse and I'm pretty sure it's out of order to tell everyone the details of poor Liam's sickness.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 8, 2014)

kabbes said:


> I'd get rid of the actual name, if I were you!  Although, I see from his LinkdIn that he will be overseeing innovative solutions for business and residential customers who have been let down by bigger ISPs in terms of service and product quality.


Good point. I'll edit my post to remove the image too.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 8, 2014)

Bears said:


> It really could've been much, much worse and I'm pretty sure it's out of order to tell everyone the details of poor Liam's sickness.


Maybe Pete should be a bit more selective about what he posts on their company Facebook page


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jan 8, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> . Imagine trying to run through an open plan office trying to stop the sick from coming out and projectile vomiting all over your colleagues.


 
i actually did that one day.  hungover in a call centre.  it was awesome.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 8, 2014)

el-ahrairah said:


> i actually did that one day.  hungover in a call centre.  it was awesome.


Did you get into trouble, or did they believe your sob story that it was medical?


----------



## 8den (Jan 8, 2014)

el-ahrairah said:


> i actually did that one day.  hungover in a call centre.  it was awesome.



I once did it in work. 

In a live tv studio.


----------



## Bears (Jan 8, 2014)

8den said:


> I once did it in work.
> 
> In a live tv studio.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 8, 2014)

8den said:


> I once did it in work.
> 
> In a live tv studio.


On camera? On the presenters? Please say yes! 

Bonus points if it was all over Ann Robinson.


----------



## 8den (Jan 8, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> On camera? On the presenters? Please say yes!
> 
> Bonus points if it was all over Ann Robinson.



Alas no sprinted through the office, made it off camera, and puked outside the green room. 

I was really really really sick. Kidney infection, landed me in Intensive Care three days later.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 8, 2014)

Hope you were ok after the spell in hospital. I have to admit I'm slightly disappointed that it wasn't on camera though.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jan 8, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Did you get into trouble, or did they believe your sob story that it was medical?


 
i just went home.  they didn't question me as to whether or not it was self-inflicted.  i walked out of the job after a few months because it was shit.  me and call centres did not get on at all.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 8, 2014)

I have also been sick in a bin at work. Due to alcohol.
My colleagues thought it was hilarious til I started waving it about over their desks.
Fucking tv people


----------



## The Boy (Jan 8, 2014)

8den said:


> I once did it in work.
> 
> In a live tv studio.


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Jan 8, 2014)

kabbes said:


> I'd get rid of the actual name, if I were you!  Although, I see from his LinkdIn that he will be overseeing innovative solutions for business and residential customers who have been let down by bigger ISPs in terms of service and product quality.



He has "limited working proficiency" in Italian, as well. 

Just for you, Peter: _Liam è andato a casa malato mentre gettava nel cestino. Se qualcun altro comincia a sentirsi male, prova e farlo in bagno_.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 22, 2014)

I wanted to get an email sent round our floor this afternoon, to remind people not to dump any old rubbish in the photocopier room because it's a fire hazard.

This could not be done because the text of the email has to be approved by two heads of department first.

It's five lines long


----------



## Me76 (Jan 23, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> I wanted to get an email sent round our floor this afternoon, to remind people not to dump any old rubbish in the photocopier room because it's a fire hazard.
> 
> This could not be done because the text of the email has to be approved by two heads of department first.
> 
> It's five lines long


That is awesomeness!!!


----------



## ringo (Jan 23, 2014)

Another turn of the screw:

I need to remind all my staff that the taking of breaks in the morning and/or afternoon for tea or coffee needs to be kept within reasonable time limits.  Our contracts of employment do not give us tea breaks or even lunch breaks, stating only that we are at the reasonable disposal of Council.  So, we normally operate a flexible approach to these matters and I am asking staff not to stretch that flexibility.
I would also ask that each team maintains a staff presence in the office throughout the day, excepting lunch and when meeting commitments must be met.
Thank you for your cooperation.


----------



## Sapphireblue (Jan 23, 2014)

ringo said:


> Another turn of the screw:
> 
> I need to remind all my staff that the taking of breaks in the morning and/or afternoon for tea or coffee needs to be kept within reasonable time limits.  Our contracts of employment do not give us tea breaks or even lunch breaks, stating only that we are at the reasonable disposal of Council.  So, we normally operate a flexible approach to these matters and I am asking staff not to stretch that flexibility.
> I would also ask that each team maintains a staff presence in the office throughout the day, excepting lunch and when meeting commitments must be met.
> Thank you for your cooperation.



the LAW gives you lunch breaks though!

nice bit of exaggeration there to emphasise the issue.


----------



## ringo (Jan 23, 2014)

Sapphireblue said:


> the LAW gives you lunch breaks though!
> 
> nice bit of exaggeration there to emphasise the issue.



Wouldn't believe he's the Union secretary would you?


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 23, 2014)

Me76 said:


> That is awesomeness!!!


That was not my first thought


----------



## Part 2 (Jan 31, 2014)

*Subject:* Important please read - Ham and Cheese

Hi


This morning I put some ham and cheese in the fridge to make a sandwich.

This afternoon I went to the fridge to make my lovely sandwich and my ham and cheese had gone.

Can anyone enlighten me on this? Has been thrown away, has someone ate it????

Obviously I’m not happy about this.

Regards


----------



## Pickman's model (Jan 31, 2014)

it's not the same without Badgers sharing his work emails


----------



## kittyP (Jan 31, 2014)

ringo said:


> Wouldn't believe he's the Union secretary would you?





Like when our Unison Rep at work wouldn't strike but advised everyone else to


----------



## May Kasahara (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm so looking forward to rejoining this thread once I start my new job


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 31, 2014)

May Kasahara said:


> I'm so looking forward to rejoining this thread once I start my new job


You'll love it 

We also have 'work frustrations' for ranting and tales of fuckmuppetry.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jan 31, 2014)

The Boy said:


>



Comic Sans! The scourge of this thread


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 31, 2014)

The Boy said:


>




I love the way the microphones faithfully picked up all the noises.


----------



## Mr Retro (Feb 11, 2014)

Chip Barm said:


> *Subject:* Important please read - Ham and Cheese
> 
> Hi
> 
> ...


How does she/he know the sandwich was lovely if the ingredients to make it disappeared? There was no sandwich, it was not made, it cannot be described as lovely. 

This makes me doubt this persons integrity and I'm inclined to believe there was no Ham and Cheese.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Feb 11, 2014)

Mr Retro said:


> How does she/he know the sandwich was lovely if the ingredients to make it disappeared? There was no sandwich, it was not made, it cannot be described as lovely.
> 
> This makes me doubt this persons integrity and I'm inclined to believe there was no Ham and Cheese.



Reply saying 'sorry, but we ran out of toilet roll.  Needs must!'


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 12, 2014)

Not a scold...



> Hi All,
> Just a quick note to let you know someone has left there jeans in Ladies toilets.
> Thanks


----------



## purenarcotic (Feb 12, 2014)

Brilliant e-mail today about pencil sharpenings:



> Dear all,
> 
> There have been reports by [cleaner] that there were pencil sharpenings on the floor this morning when she came in to clean.  Please could people ensure that they sharpen their pencils over a bin and dispose appropriately of any rubbish.


----------



## Mumbles274 (Feb 12, 2014)

purenarcotic said:


> Brilliant e-mail today about pencil sharpenings:


Oh the humanity!


----------



## purenarcotic (Feb 12, 2014)

Mumbles274 said:


> Oh the humanity!



Best bit was my manager having to sheepishly reply that it was her.


----------



## Part 2 (Feb 12, 2014)

A manager in my office once sent an email about leaving food to go off in the fridge after she stole someones mayonnaise and got food poisoning.


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 12, 2014)

Some fucker keeps stealing my apples out of the fridge at work. I hope they find half a worm in them.


----------



## Corax (Feb 12, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Not a scold...


You *must* correct their spelling


----------



## marty21 (Feb 12, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Not a scold...


are  there so many people wandering around with no jeans on that it is  difficult to  trace  the owner of those toilet jeans?


----------



## Thaw (Feb 19, 2014)

A few from our former HR guru. She really was obsessed with the damn kitchen:

"Whoever left an apple core on the dining room table should be ashamed of themselves."

"Would whoever has tipped diced vegetables into the kitchen sink please go and clear it up – now!
You know who you are.
Kind regards"

"A reminder that all dirty crockery should be put into the dishwasher. Yes, even yours!
If you had cereal for breakfast this morning and didn’t clear up, yes I do mean you. "

"The office kitchen is getting very messy again – this afternoon there was dirty cutlery, bits of food, food containers and even a plastic bag left on the work surface. This is really inconsiderate of others who might want to use it.
Clear up after yourselves please."

"I regret having to say this as most of us are considerate and use our common sense, but some are lazy and inconsiderate of others when using the kitchen. For the avoidance of doubt, the rules are:

·Put your used crockery into the dishwasher. While this is often not possible in the afternoons when the dishwasher is full, the sink is sometimes stacked with cups as early as 10.30 in the morning when the dishwasher is empty.
·Put used cutlery into the dishwasher basket next to the sink.
·Wipe up any spills or crumbs that you make.
·Put all rubbish into the bins.
·Do not leave/store foodstuffs on the surfaces."


----------



## el-ahrairah (Mar 4, 2014)

found this whilst doing an inbox clean.  a classic of the genre.

"
For his information, Dan’s last day will in fact be 12th September 2013, not 5th September 2013.  So you’ll all have to put up with him for a further week.
"


----------



## Corax (Mar 4, 2014)

I'm gutted. For weeks I've been meaning to take a snap of a sign put up on the door to our (open plan, and shared with other departments) office, and now it's gone 

It was a black and white print out of a 'hilarious' photograph of a 1980s style businessman shouting into a 'comically oversized' mobile phone. Think Dom Jolly, but replace him with the type of overly groomed man that does catalogue modelling. 

Below it was the text:

*Library rules please 

Keep noise and conversation to a minimum 

Let's work together at being able to work together* 



The person who put it up is actually a cracking bloke with a very dry sense of humour, the last I'd expect to be behind it. In fact, I only found out it was him when I started taking the piss out of it when chatting in the kitchen. Oops... 

It disappeared shortly afterwards


----------



## marty21 (Mar 4, 2014)

I work at a different office to the main one a few days a week and there are washing up fairies who collect my coffee mug or mugs and wash them

they do exist! 



I do try and remember to wash them myself - honest m'lud


----------



## ffsear (Mar 4, 2014)

I got the old....


_"Would you do that at home?"
"No"
"Then why do it here?"_


....chat today!



*"Because i'm not at fucking home"*


----------



## Schmetterling (Mar 4, 2014)

ffsear said:


> I got the old....
> 
> 
> _"Would you do that at home?"
> ...



Pray tell; what did you do???


----------



## el-ahrairah (Mar 4, 2014)

Schmetterling said:


> Pray tell; what did you do???


 
curled on out on the welcome met.


----------



## Enviro (Mar 4, 2014)

"For the avoidance of doubt" - an excellent phrase to use in a snotty tone (or for the person reading the phrase to read it in a snotty tone!)!


----------



## Corax (Mar 4, 2014)

Enviro said:


> "For the avoidance of doubt" - an excellent phrase to use in a snotty tone (or for the person reading the phrase to read it in a snotty tone!)!


Aye. It belongs in the same filing cabinet as starting a sentence with "I don't mean to be rude but..." or "with the greatest respect..."


----------



## DotCommunist (Mar 4, 2014)

'in no uncertain terms' is another good one,usually written by people who have no backup to the vague threat


----------



## Sapphireblue (Mar 5, 2014)

marty21 said:


> I work at a different office to the main one a few days a week and there are washing up fairies who collect my coffee mug or mugs and wash them
> 
> they do exist!
> 
> ...



the last couple of places i've worked there have actually been washing up fairies 

well, actually a (mechanical) dishwasher and (presumably) minimum wage cleaners to collect them, load and unload and that.


----------



## sorearm (Mar 5, 2014)

... damn we only get sensible emails atm ...


----------



## Me76 (Mar 7, 2014)

> We've noticed recently and increase in strong smelling foods being heated up in the microwaves in the breakout area.
> 
> Whilst the microwaves are for all to use throughout the day, we would ask everyone to remember that the area is not used only for a lunch room but also for clients to have informal meetings.
> 
> ...


----------



## quimcunx (Mar 7, 2014)

ffsear said:


> I got the old....
> 
> 
> _"Would you do that at home?"
> ...



Usually if I do 'that' at the office I do also do it at home, only more so, and worse.


----------



## ffsear (Mar 7, 2014)

Schmetterling said:


> Pray tell; what did you do???



We have paper cups for the coffee machine so getting them in the bin is like playing wii basketball.  When i miss the paper cup becomes someone else's problem.  Its ok as long as no one sees


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 7, 2014)

ffsear said:


> I got the old....
> 
> 
> _"Would you do that at home?"
> ...



We used to get that at school too.  I would not carve "i <3 The Wedding Present" into my parent's dining room table with a compass, no


----------



## quimcunx (Mar 7, 2014)

Would you leave your dirty dishes all over the place at home? 
Would you put your feet on the table at home? 
Would you throw something at a bin then leave it lying on the floor when it misses? 

Yes, yes I would. 

I just don't do it at the office.


----------



## Corax (Mar 7, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> We used to get that at school too.  I would not carve "i <3 The Wedding Present" into my parent's dining room table with a compass, no


That's not a compass.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 7, 2014)

Corax said:


> That's not a compass.



That's not the point.

/coat


----------



## Corax (Mar 7, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> That's not the point.
> 
> /coat


Go and sit on the stairs, and stay there until I say so.


----------



## equationgirl (Mar 7, 2014)

Corax said:


> Go and sit on the stairs, and stay there until I say so.


One minute for every year of his age? He might be there a looooooong time


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 7, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> One minute for every year of his age? He might be there a looooooong time





But at least it wouldn't be as long as Corax if he had to do the same.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 7, 2014)

Corax said:


> Go and sit on the stairs, and stay there until I say so.



I live in a flat, so your instructions are void.


----------



## equationgirl (Mar 7, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I live in a flat, so your instructions are void.



Pick some stairs, any stairs 

Stairs on the inside is proper posh anyways.


----------



## Corax (Mar 7, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I live in a flat, so your instructions are void.


Fuck me, show a bit of initiative boy - I'm sure one of your neighbours has stairs


----------



## emanymton (Mar 9, 2014)

Corax said:


> That's not a compass.


Are you auditioning to me the new Pickman's? 

One is more that enough.


----------



## Corax (Mar 9, 2014)

emanymton said:


> Are you auditioning to me the new Pickman's?
> 
> One is more that enough.


*be
*than


----------



## tim (Mar 9, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> Pick some stairs, any stairs
> 
> Stairs on the inside is proper posh anyways.



Possibly, but stairs on the outside would ,surely, be an oxymoron. Once outside one ascends, descends or loiters upon steps.


----------



## Corax (Mar 9, 2014)

tim said:


> Possibly, but stairs on the outside would ,surely, be an oxymoron. Once outside one ascends, descends or loiters upon steps.


Um... What? 

"Teacher"  I sincerely hope you're refreshed!


----------



## tim (Mar 9, 2014)

Corax said:


> Um... What?
> 
> "Teacher"  I sincerely hope you're refreshed!



I've never actually written a proper scolding office email, but I'm sure I possess the  ability and mentality to do so.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 10, 2014)

Not terribly _thrilling,_ this one. But quite demonstrative.



> I hope you had a good weekend and enjoyed our spring sunshine,
> 
> 
> I wanted to bring a housekeeping topic to everyone’s attention.
> ...



Nasty plastic bags!


----------



## Corax (Mar 10, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> Not terribly _thrilling,_ this one. But quite demonstrative.
> 
> 
> 
> Nasty plastic bags!


You work with a microbiologist then?


----------



## Callie (Mar 10, 2014)

> Dear All,
> "Someone" has saved a copy of the lab sendaway logs.
> It was last modified on the 15/2/2014 at 09:57
> If this was YOU please ensure that you update the original to include all the missing data, then delete the copy.
> Thank you, Blahblah


 


> Dear All,
> I've had read receipts from everyone but the copy is still there.
> So I will now delegate the task to whoever was in Serology doing the send-aways in February. I won't "out" anyone at this stage. Please fix it by the end of today.
> Thank you,
> Blahblah


 
You could have just deleted it in the first place yourself like. Or if you know who did it speak to them in person rather than emailing everyone and threatening to "out" them like its the blinking crime of the centuary 

work makes me rolleyes a hell of a lot lately


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 10, 2014)

Callie said:


> You could have just deleted it in the first place yourself like. Or if you know who did it speak to them in person rather than emailing everyone and threatening to "out" them like its the blinking crime of the centuary
> 
> work makes me rolleyes a hell of a lot lately








Roll "eyes"


----------



## ringo (Mar 10, 2014)

Not a scolding email but having received this email about a cake sale I just wanted to announce that Oxfam and most NGO's can now wind down.

Subject: BAKE OFF RESULTS!!
In total we raised a phenomenal £77 pounds which will go a long way to  improving the quality of agricultural workers in developing countries.


----------



## Enviro (Mar 10, 2014)

ringo said:


> Not a scolding email but having received this email about a cake sale I just wanted to announce that Oxfam and most NGO's can now wind down.
> 
> Subject: BAKE OFF RESULTS!!
> In total we raised a phenomenal £77 pounds which will go a long way to  improving the quality of agricultural workers in developing countries.



Did you c&p that? Is your colleague really that unimpressed with the quality of agricultural work in developing countries that they are celebrating the donation of £77 towards improving their working practices  shouldn't we be more concerned with their quality of life?!


----------



## ringo (Mar 10, 2014)

Enviro said:


> Did you c&p that? Is your colleague really that unimpressed with the quality of agricultural work in developing countries that they are celebrating the donation of £77 towards improving their working practices  shouldn't we be more concerned with their quality of life?!



Great isn't it?


----------



## sorearm (Mar 11, 2014)

Best sign ever posted on the window in the gents (part of the hospital I'm in is an older wing)

"Please do not leave the window open as the pigeons are getting in"


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 13, 2014)

ringo said:


> Not a scolding email but having received this email about a cake sale I just wanted to announce that Oxfam and most NGO's can now wind down.
> 
> Subject: BAKE OFF RESULTS!!
> In total we raised a phenomenal £77 pounds which will go a long way to  improving the quality of agricultural workers in developing countries.



We had similiar here and the 'thank you' email was gently bitchy about the penny someone put in. Made £100.01. The bitchyness was from the office manager, not the person who actually organised the cake sale and is the one actually running 3 marathons for Macmillan


----------



## Corax (Mar 13, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> We had similiar here and the 'thank you' email was gently bitchy about the penny someone put in. Made £100.01. The bitchyness was from the office manager, not the person who actually organised the cake sale and is the one actually running 3 marathons for Macmillan


Clearly didn't occur to them that someone may have emptied their wallet out and put eg 17.69 in...?


----------



## DotCommunist (Mar 13, 2014)

if the penny is worth bitching about, its worth putting your hand in your own pocket to add the 99p. Thats the charitable thing to do


----------



## dervish (Mar 13, 2014)

I finally have one!

It's not especially exciting though,



> Hi all
> 
> 
> I’ve just washed up all the mouldy cups and plates that were left in our kitchen area. Most of which seem to have been there since last week.
> ...



And to be fair the sink was in a shocking state, some of the cups were close to sentience.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 13, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> We had similiar here and the 'thank you' email was gently bitchy about the penny someone put in. Made £100.01. The bitchyness was from the office manager, not the person who actually organised the cake sale and is the one actually running 3 marathons for Macmillan



When I saw that email from her I thought, "Ungrateful cow, I'll have it back then!"


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 13, 2014)

dervish said:


> I finally have one!
> 
> It's not especially exciting though,
> 
> ...



Is Rose threatening to destroy personal property if it fails to come up to Rose's perceived standard of cleanliness? I fear you may need to invoke the ghost of Comrade Crow in to your office.


----------



## Schmetterling (Mar 15, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> Not terribly _thrilling,_ this one. But quite demonstrative.
> 
> 
> 
> Nasty plastic bags!



Oooohohohohhhhhh!  This one warms my heart and brain.  You know what my advice on that is going to be, don't you?????


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 15, 2014)

Schmetterling said:


> Oooohohohohhhhhh!  This one warms my heart and brain.  You know what my advice on that is going to be, don't you?????


That she can stick 'em?  

Same woman introduced a new starter to me "The is Annie. Eva. Eva? This is Eva" so I stuck my hand out and Eva said "Hi, I'm Anna"


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 15, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> Not terribly _thrilling,_ this one. But quite demonstrative.
> 
> 
> 
> Nasty plastic bags!



The approach that was always taken in an old office I worked in was that usually me and a colleague cleaned out the fridge and chucked all the mouldy and out of date stuff, and then just e-mailed the office to tell them we'd done it in case they moaned that their furry food was no more.  No one actually complained as I think they were just grateful that someone was willing to clean the fridge in the first place.


----------



## Schmetterling (Mar 15, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> That she can stick 'em?
> 
> Same woman introduced a new starter to me "The is Annie. Eva. Eva? This is Eva" so I stuck my hand out and Eva said "Hi, I'm Anna"



*starts collecting plastic bags with aim of passing onto 5t3lla for 5t3lla to stuff into fridge to brimming point ...


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 15, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> The approach that was always taken in an old office I worked in was that usually me and a colleague cleaned out the fridge and chucked all the mouldy and out of date stuff, and then just e-mailed the office to tell them we'd done it in case they moaned that their furry food was no more.  No one actually complained as I think they were just grateful that someone was willing to clean the fridge in the first place.


Some place I was at years ago had a Friday cut-off. *Everything* went in the bin. I thought it worked pretty well actually. Especially as I was temping and poor so I'd stay later on Fridays swarm through it liberating stuff


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 15, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> Some place I was at years ago had a Friday cut-off. *Everything* went in the bin. I thought it worked pretty well actually. Especially as I was temping and poor so I'd stay later on Fridays swarm through it liberating stuff



There is a similar approach where I work now, although its every few weeks rather than weekly.  The fridges always seem clean as a result so it does work.  You can tell the standard of cleanliness in an office by how stinky the fridges are.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 15, 2014)

Schmetterling said:


> *starts collecting plastic bags with aim of passing onto 5t3lla for 5t3lla to stuff into fridge to brimming point ...



Something like a couple of grapes in each one so there will be Unidentifiable Growths  And maybe stickers with names of people who don't work there. Who is Abercrombie  and what's he created here?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 15, 2014)

Schmetterling said:


> *starts collecting plastic bags with aim of passing onto 5t3lla for 5t3lla to stuff into fridge to brimming point ...



I've found that salad products in plastic bags have superb rotting potential.  Very quick transition period too.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 15, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> Something like a couple of grapes in each one so there will be Unidentifiable Growths  And maybe stickers with names of people who don't work there. Who is Abercrombie  and what's he created here?



Just put the name of the office whinger on every bag.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 15, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Just put the name of the office whinger on every bag.



Cold War  Chilled War


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 15, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> Cold War  Chilled War



And once every bag is nicely furry and stinky, send a scolding e-mail to the office whinger, copying everyone else in, berating them for their skankiness.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Mar 15, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> And once every bag is nicely furry and stinky, send a scolding e-mail to the office whinger, copying everyone else in, berating them for their skankiness.



Why are we making this so complicated? I just put _her_ name on all these 17 bags of grapes and rocket


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 15, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> Why are we making this so complicated? I just put _her_ name on all these 17 bags of grapes and rocket



Don't forget to put in a bit of raw fish and some stilton in every bag.  It would enhance the ambience of the fridge considerably.


----------



## May Kasahara (Apr 3, 2014)

I've been in my new job for a month now and disappointingly _everyone_ is really pleasant and reasonable  There hasn't been a single scolding email or PA note! Our kitchen is full of post-its that say 'We love you Polly!' with happy smily faces drawn next to the words.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 3, 2014)

May Kasahara said:


> I've been in my new job for a month now and disappointingly _everyone_ is really pleasant and reasonable  There hasn't been a single scolding email or PA note! Our kitchen is full of post-its that say 'We love you Polly!' with happy smily faces drawn next to the words.



And then you woke up.


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 3, 2014)

They _despise_ Polly.
She once forgot to wash her mug.


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 3, 2014)

In fact, where *IS *Polly?


----------



## May Kasahara (Apr 3, 2014)

Ha ha, Polly is actually the person who goes around the building collecting everyone's mugs and _putting them in the dishwasher_. Have you ever heard the like!

E2A and yes, she does ask first whether you've finished with them


----------



## Miss Caphat (Apr 4, 2014)

positive impact of this thread: I drafted a slightly scolding email to the agents today, reminding them to please remember to bring back supplies they use while staging houses, but thought of this thread, and didn't hit send   ...I can tell them in person


----------



## Mr Smin (Apr 4, 2014)

May Kasahara said:


> Ha ha, Polly is actually the person who goes around the building collecting everyone's mugs and _putting them in the dishwasher_. Have you ever heard the like!
> 
> E2A and yes, she does ask first whether you've finished with them



Why doesn't she peruse U75 when she's bored at work, like any normal person?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 4, 2014)

Does Polly also put the kettle on for you?


----------



## Corax (Apr 4, 2014)

Miss Caphat said:


> positive impact of this thread: I drafted a slightly scolding email to the agents today, reminding them to please remember to bring back supplies they use while staging houses, but thought of this thread, and didn't hit send   ...I can tell them in person


That's not a "positive impact"! We need MORE scolding emails, not fewer!


----------



## May Kasahara (Apr 4, 2014)

Mr Smin said:


> Why doesn't she peruse U75 when she's bored at work, like any normal person?



ALL social media is blocked. I can't even look at Etsy because it's classed as 'adult' 



farmerbarleymow said:


> Does Polly also put the kettle on for you?



Arf. No, but she does regularly bring in stacks of delicious home made cakes and supply us all with bacon/sausage/egg rolls for a princely pound.

My workplace is like some kind of weird cultish oasis. Everyone is just too happy!


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 4, 2014)

They eat people. You are their prey.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 4, 2014)

May Kasahara said:


> ALL social media is blocked. I can't even look at Etsy because it's classed as 'adult'
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Surely you realise that Polly despises you because of your filthy ways with crockery, and is putting poison in the bacon butties and cakes.  A slow lingering and painful death is what she is aiming for - DON'T TRUST HER!!!

And she probably pisses in the kettle before she turns it on.


----------



## Idris2002 (Apr 9, 2014)

We've had an epidemic of people leaving piles of dirty dishes in the kitchen sinks, when local best practice is that you should clean up your own mess. To encourage better behaviour, someone put up a fake, joke, video surveillance camera in the kitchen near to me. My boss has now declared that this is in poor taste (we are in the former East Germany, after all) and requested that it be pulled down.


----------



## Idris2002 (Apr 10, 2014)

You will now all be no doubt thrilled to hear that the errant video camera has now been removed from our shared kitchenette. Let joy be unconfined!


----------



## dervish (Apr 15, 2014)

It's not really a scolding email at all, but it is very bizarre, 

Sent to everyone in the company.



> Hi all
> 
> 
> We would like to make a personal gift for Daryl involving pictures and words.
> ...


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Apr 15, 2014)

"Going", "than" and "fingers" are usually relevant words, though I'd avoid "foetus" and "combobulation".


----------



## ddraig (Apr 15, 2014)

wrong thread!


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 15, 2014)

Lucky lucky Daryl is all I can think.


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 15, 2014)

ddraig said:


> i am currently on secondment and an event the organisation i am seconded to may have an element sponsored by someone/type of business i have a moral/ethical objection to
> 
> if it was you would you flat out refuse and make a point, say you are not working on that part of it and make it clear why, take AL/make an excuse or stay quiet and deal with it?


I'd probably take leave or refuse.


----------



## ddraig (Apr 15, 2014)

quick quoting! 
i posted it on wrong thread, now posted on 'work frustrations'

thanks for answer tho


----------



## Idris2002 (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm not going to go into the details, but suffice to say that I just got a scolding telephone call. It was a bad scene man.


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 15, 2014)

Idris2002 said:


> I'm not going to go into the details, but suffice to say that I just got a scolding telephone call. It was a bad scene man.


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 15, 2014)

Idris2002 said:


> I'm not going to go into the details, but suffice to say that I just got a scolding telephone call. It was a bad scene man.


be grateful it wasn't a scalding phone call


----------



## Corax (Apr 15, 2014)

Idris2002 said:


> *I'm not going to go into the details*, but suffice to say that I just got a scolding telephone call. It was a bad scene man.


Bollocks to that - 'fess up!


----------



## Idris2002 (Apr 16, 2014)

Let's just say that my attempt to show initiative resulted in my being told 'you should not have done that'.


----------



## emanymton (Apr 16, 2014)

They are bastards arn't they, keep telling you that you need to show more initiative but when you do, say by putting the toaster the in the dishwasher to clean it, are they happy do they thank you. Not a bit.


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 18, 2014)

emanymton said:


> They are bastards arn't they, keep telling you that you need to show more initiative but when you do, say by putting the toaster the in the dishwasher to clean it, are they happy do they thank you. Not a bit.


Ungrateful fuckers


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 18, 2014)

I'm disappointed that we've not had a scolding e-mail round in the past couple of weeks, as there were a few instances of people cremating foods in the microwaves on different floors, pretty much stinking out the building.


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 18, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I'm disappointed that we've not had a scolding e-mail round in the past couple of weeks, as there were a few instances of people cremating foods in the microwaves on different floors, pretty much stinking out the building.


I want to ask the chap two desks over from me to stop having fish and cup-a-soup for his lunch EVERY DAY, because he seems to choose the smelliest fish known to man and sometimes I almost puke at my desk. But he's retiring soon so I'm just waiting it out.


----------



## ddraig (Apr 18, 2014)

oh god my colleague used to do that too! proper stank
they did apologise and then warned in advance after a while but still bloody had it often!
every day would do me right in!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 18, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> I want to ask the chap two desks over from me to stop having fish and cup-a-soup for his lunch EVERY DAY, because he seems to choose the smelliest fish known to man and sometimes I almost puke at my desk. But he's retiring soon so I'm just waiting it out.



I'd rather someone have fish than cup-a-soup as the latter is just smelly filth.


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 18, 2014)

ddraig said:


> oh god my colleague used to do that too! proper stank
> they did apologise and then warned in advance after a while but still bloody had it often!
> every day would do me right in!


Some days I don't notice it, but other days, I'm heaving. Some days he had tinned stuff and other days he has fresh, but he has leftovers


----------



## Corax (Apr 18, 2014)

I stuck a sheet of A4 up in the gents the other day. 

It began:  "Gentlemen, this is a professional workplace..." 

Can I get my passive-aggressive badge now please?


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 18, 2014)

Corax said:


> I stuck a sheet of A4 up in the gents the other day.
> 
> It began:  "Gentlemen, this is a professional workplace..."
> 
> Can I get my passive-aggressive badge now please?


Dare I ask why the note was necessary?


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 18, 2014)

We got a scolding email round the office the other day. It went something like this:

'When the printer runs out of paper and you get more from the main stock, don't just get a single ream get a whole box because the printer is heavily used.'

From someone who has never gotten so much a sheet of paper for the communal printer in her entire life, and needs two desks because she has HER OWN black-and-white AND colour printers.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 18, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> Dare I ask why the note was necessary?



It was probably because the loos looked like there had been a dirty protest in there. Hope this helps.


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 18, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> It was probably because the loos looked like there had been a dirty protest in there. Hope this helps.


We don't seem to get those in the women's


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 18, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> We don't seem to get those in the women's



I always understood that women's loos are just as bad as men's. At least that what I've been told over the years.


----------



## Corax (Apr 18, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> We don't seem to get those in the women's


That's reaaaaaally not what I've heard from women over the years. Quite the opposite in fact.


----------



## Badgers (Apr 18, 2014)

Corax said:
			
		

> That's reaaaaaally not what I've heard from women over the years. Quite the opposite in fact.



Indeed.


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 18, 2014)

Corax said:


> I stuck a sheet of A4 up in the gents the other day.
> 
> It began:  "Gentlemen, this is a professional workplace..."
> 
> Can I get my passive-aggressive badge now please?


if you have to do that then it is not a professional workplace


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 18, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> We don't seem to get those in the women's


try the ladies'.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 18, 2014)

Corax said:


> That's reaaaaaally not what I've heard from women over the years. Quite the opposite in fact.



Quite!  I've heard plenty of horror stories - and there are some on here I think from people who've been cleaners.  Perhaps the women equationgirl works with are genteel and civilised?


----------



## ddraig (Apr 18, 2014)

worse in some cases! 
was a proper shock to me


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 18, 2014)

ddraig said:


> worse in some cases!
> was a proper shock to me



I think you need to recap on the horrors for equationgirl's benefit.


----------



## ddraig (Apr 18, 2014)

trashed like, totally trashed, broken toilet seats, toilet paper everywhere in and out of the cubicles, blocked sinks, wrecked mirrors


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 18, 2014)

ddraig said:


> trashed like, totally trashed, broken toilet seats, toilet paper everywhere in and out of the cubicles, blocked sinks, wrecked mirrors



Was it you who recounted menstrual blood being daubed on the cubicle walls?  I remember someone saying that.  Grim.


----------



## ddraig (Apr 18, 2014)

nah!


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 18, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Was it you who recounted menstrual blood being daubed on the cubicle walls?  I remember someone saying that.  Grim.


I found some of that in a few spots on the floor once, and was absolutely horrified that they hadn't wiped it up. There weren't many women on the floor I worked on at that point and four of us were discounted, leaving two. I couldn't look at either of them for ages without wondering if it was them.


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 18, 2014)

Pickman's model said:


> try the ladies'.




pickman's model, honestly.


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 18, 2014)

ddraig said:


> trashed like, totally trashed, broken toilet seats, toilet paper everywhere in and out of the cubicles, blocked sinks, wrecked mirrors


At work??!! How come nobody heard it being done?


----------



## ddraig (Apr 18, 2014)

it was where i worked but also a venue


----------



## Badgers (Apr 18, 2014)

Yeah. I have seen some 'ladies toilet scolding' even in very corporate offices.


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 18, 2014)

Our toilets could do with an upgrade to be fair. The ones in another building got redone and are super swanky.

Also, one of the men I work with doesn't wash his hands, I have been told. Bleurgh.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 18, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> Our toilets could do with an upgrade to be fair. The ones in another building got redone and are super swanky.
> 
> Also, one of the men I work with doesn't wash his hands, I have been told. Bleurgh.



The loos at my work are OK, if fairly functional.  But there must be something nasty lurking in the waste pipes from the sinks because the moment you start running the tap you're hit with the smell of something like hydrogen sulphide.  I keep meaning to report it, but not got round to it yet.  I suppose it's better than a smell of shit.


----------



## Thaw (Apr 23, 2014)

The only time I've been tempted to be the email scolder is when I recently found 2 of the 4 gents cubicles had shit streaked all over the back of the seat, like tyre tracks. I'm still not really sure how someone would've done it. 

Also, we don't have urinals and a couple of the blokes here think that if they are having a piss they don't need to lock the door. But I don't want to send that e-mail.


----------



## joustmaster (Apr 23, 2014)

Thaw said:


> Also, we don't have urinals and a couple of the blokes here think that if they are having a piss they don't need to lock the door. But I don't want to send that e-mail.



Cubicles in the gents bathroom?
Why would you need to close/lock the cubicle door for a piss?


----------



## Thaw (Apr 23, 2014)

joustmaster said:


> Cubicles in the gents bathroom?
> Why would you need to close/lock the cubicle door for a piss?



Mainly so that then I know its occupied and I don't push the door open, expecting to be able to have a dump and then finding the IT Support bloke with his cock out.


----------



## joustmaster (Apr 23, 2014)

Thaw said:


> Mainly so that then I know its occupied and I don't push the door open, expecting to be able to have a dump and then finding the IT Support bloke with his cock out.


thats fair.
door locked or door open.

anything else is just strange.

Just start opening the door really hard


----------



## el-ahrairah (Apr 23, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> Also, one of the men I work with doesn't wash his hands, I have been told. Bleurgh.



one of the men i work with urinates copiously on the floor.

we think we know who it is, there's not that many of us in the office.

but quite frankly he needs to be publicly scolded.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 23, 2014)

Thaw said:


> The only time I've been tempted to be the email scolder is when I recently found 2 of the 4 gents cubicles had shit streaked all over the back of the seat, like tyre tracks. I'm still not really sure how someone would've done it.
> 
> <snip>



Now that takes some skill! I could understand if it was shit splashes from diarrhoea, but not that as it sounds like solid turd skid marks.


----------



## DotCommunist (Apr 23, 2014)

Having cleaned more than my fair of shitters for money over the years I can categorically state that mens are just as bad as ladies. Poor toilet ettiqutte is genderless.

The only difference is you'll never find a mens bog wrecked by someone having thrown the contents of a sanni bin about the place.

mens toilets tend more towards pissy floors, for obvious reasons.


----------



## Thaw (Apr 23, 2014)

Its been suggested that maybe its someone who thinks its a squat toilet and so he is squatting astride the seat. Then I suppose he is shitting on the back of the seat and wiping it into the toilet?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 23, 2014)

DotCommunist said:


> Having cleaned more than my fair of shitters for money over the years I can categorically state that mens are just as bad as ladies. Poor toilet ettiqutte is genderless.
> 
> *The only difference is you'll never find a mens bog wrecked by someone having thrown the contents of a sanni bin about the place.*
> 
> mens toilets tend more towards pissy floors, for obvious reasons.



Eurgh!  I can only imagine someone would have to be pissed to even think that is reasonable.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 23, 2014)

Thaw said:


> Its been suggested that maybe its someone who thinks its a squat toilet and so he is squatting astride the seat. Then I suppose he is shitting on the back of the seat and wiping it into the toilet?



Possibly, or someone who is paranoid of sitting on the seat because they think it is unclean?


----------



## Badgers (Apr 23, 2014)

joustmaster said:


> Just start opening the door really hard



I did a small LOL at work there ^


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Apr 23, 2014)

Thaw said:


> Its been suggested that maybe its someone who thinks its a squat toilet and so he is squatting astride the seat. Then I suppose he is shitting on the back of the seat and wiping it into the toilet?



Are there feet marks on the seat too?

Once took an Air Canada flight from Montreal to London and some filthy cunt had squatted on the lav and shat on the seat, I was only the 2nd or 3rd in there after take off too. Have always kept a much closer eye on airplane bogs since.


----------



## Corax (Apr 25, 2014)

joustmaster said:


> Cubicles in the gents bathroom?
> Why would you need to close/lock the cubicle door for a piss?


Because not all of us were raised by gibbons


----------



## emanymton (Apr 26, 2014)

Thaw said:


> Also, we don't have urinals and a couple of the blokes here think that if they are having a piss they don't need to lock the door. But I don't want to send that e-mail.


I see you are a sensible fellow, not to many of those on here apparently. 
http://www.urban75.net/forums/threa...th-the-door-open-ok-or-a-bit-freakish.314128/


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 26, 2014)

emanymton said:


> I see you are a sensible fellow, not to many of those on here apparently.
> http://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/men-pissing-in-public-toilets-with-the-door-open-ok-or-a-bit-freakish.314128/



On the contrary, I think you'll find your post results show that a comfortable majority have no problem with having a slash with the door open.  So we're the normal and sensible ones.


----------



## emanymton (Apr 26, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> On the contrary, I think you'll find your post results show that a comfortable majority have no problem with having a slash with the door open.  So we're the normal and sensible ones.


 no this place is just full of weirdos.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 26, 2014)

emanymton said:


> no this place is just full of weirdos.



A weirdo here!  

*waves*


----------



## Corax (Apr 26, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> On the contrary, I think you'll find your post results show that a comfortable majority have no problem with having a slash with the door open.  So we're the normal and sensible ones.


You're not normal. You're just dreadfully uncouth


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 26, 2014)

Corax said:


> You're not normal. You're just dreadfully uncouth


Snob.


----------



## Corax (Apr 26, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Snob.


Typical working class envy.  

Bloody commoners.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 26, 2014)

Corax said:


> Typical working class envy.
> 
> Bloody commoners.


Yes Hyacinth. Whatever you say.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 28, 2014)

Two more toilet notices treating people like 5 year olds. There must be some right dirty sods in the building given the number if these sort of signs - there was a good nagging one but I couldn't get a picture as other people were in the toilets at the time. You look a bit odd taking photos in the toilets.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 1, 2014)

Another toilet one. Not a scolding one, but made me smile.

Just in case anyone doesn't realise - this toilet is out of order. 






I think whoever did this has watched too many crime dramas.


----------



## killer b (May 1, 2014)

or had the previous, less obvious 'out of order' sign repeatedly ignored and had to deal with a mountain of shit as a result...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 1, 2014)

killer b said:


> or had the previous, less obvious 'out of order' sign repeatedly ignored and had to deal with a mountain of shit as a result...



Don't think so.  The cubicle has largely been out of order for ages, but there was a repair bloke in there today and this is what he did.  I think he got a carried away...


----------



## bouncer_the_dog (May 1, 2014)

In defence of the insultingly obvious toilet signs they really do work.. the 'please don't piss on the seats' sign at my workplace has transformed  the loo situation -  'the worst toilets in Botley' are now vaguely usable..


----------



## sorearm (May 12, 2014)

Not exactly a scolding email but a new laminated sign that has appeared in the bogs ;

"PLEASE LEAVE THIS TOILET AS YOU WOULD WISH TO FIND IT. A TOILET BRUSH IS AVAILABLE FOR YOUR USE, TOGETHER WITH PAPER TOWELS FOR MOPPING UP."

...must be in response to the "phantom shitter" (as I've christened them) - every day there's some shit stain in the pan.

(mind you if the flush was a bit more powerful then it may shift the mentioned poo-stain)

... and I hate bog brushes, just the thought of them makes me *shudder*


----------



## Utopia (May 12, 2014)

joustmaster said:


> Cubicles in the gents bathroom?
> Why would you need to close/lock the cubicle door for a piss?


 
Men who take a piss in a cubicle instead of the urinal have teeny, tiny penises.......its a proven fact.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 12, 2014)

Utopia said:


> Men who take a piss in a cubicle instead of the urinal have teeny, tiny penises.......its a proven fact.


No - we just don't like splashback, and don't want to make our colleagues feel bad by seeing our huge genitals at the urinal.


----------



## Utopia (May 12, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> No - we just don't like splashback, and don't want to make our colleagues feel bad by seeing our huge genitals at the urinal.


 
Have you still not worked out the correct urinating technique that avoids splashback?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 12, 2014)

Utopia said:


> Have you still not worked out the correct urinating technique that avoids splashback?


With extra large genitals it's quite impossible to avoid it.


----------



## sorearm (May 12, 2014)

I piss with quite a large force that splashbacks are inevitable ... hence me using the cubicle


----------



## Corax (May 12, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> No - we just don't like splashback, and don't want to make our colleagues feel bad by seeing our huge genitals at the urinal.


Nah.  For me it's just an excuse to have a nice sit down and browse reddit whilst on the paycheck.


----------



## Orang Utan (May 12, 2014)

The sooner men learn to sit down to pee the better, public urinals notwithstanding. Stand up weeing is one of the last taboos of male chauvinism that needs to be destroyed once and for all.


----------



## joustmaster (May 12, 2014)

I just prefer to piss in a toilet, rather than a trough.


----------



## twentythreedom (May 12, 2014)

sorearm said:


> I piss with quite a large force that splashbacks are inevitable ... hence me using the cubicle


"my penis is so unfeasibly huge that I can't even use normal toilets"


----------



## Utopia (May 12, 2014)

joustmaster said:


> I just prefer to piss in a toilet, rather than a trough.




Piss in a toilet with…….your mini-penis right?


----------



## Orang Utan (May 12, 2014)

So it's all about male prowess is it? Rather than common sense, convenience and consideration for others.  don't make it about cock measuring ffs.


----------



## DotCommunist (May 12, 2014)

I don't mind individual urinals but I do object to the steel trough style things you get in some mens bogs. On a busy night they are in there shoulder to shoulder, like urinating sardines. Just no.


----------



## sorearm (May 12, 2014)

*mumbles about size isn't everything*


----------



## joustmaster (May 12, 2014)

Utopia said:


> Piss in a toilet with…….your mini-penis right?


curse my tiny willy.


----------



## sorearm (May 12, 2014)

joustmaster said:


> curse my tiny willy.



*cough* talks about football *cough*


----------



## Yelkcub (May 13, 2014)

This morning's exchange. Italics demonstrate changes for ID purposes. Read from bottom up.



Morning _John_,
I worked from home, because I couldn't move, and definitely couldn't drive, with my back.
My first email out to avoid a _high cost incident_ was at 6:36am, last email sent, of the same ilk, was at 8:20pm. Dave replied to both of those and we spoke thoughout the day.
The 36 mails I sent inbetween those 2, which included the ten week summary of the _area_ performance I produced that day, to be used as the agenda for that afternoon's meeting with them, which I had arranged to dial into, hopefully demonstrates good value. ( _Dave_ postponed the meeting as he had to go to site.)
I'll just charge a flat day though, as ever, the overtime is free. ;-)
Regards
Yelkcub
>>>J_ohn@myclient_.co.uk> 05/13/14 7:47 AM >>>
Morning.
Can you just check _Yelkcub_ that you were in on 14th April – I was on leave that week and wasn’t around, but _Dave_ mentioned that you phoned in sick with a bad back?
Regards,

_John_


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 13, 2014)

I don't think I like Dave much


----------



## neonwilderness (May 13, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> I don't think I like Dave much


There's always one with nothing better to do, isn't there?


----------



## Yelkcub (May 13, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> I don't think I like Dave much


 
Dave's the Operations Director, who is so shit at his job, they've having to pay me as well as the £100k a years he's on, to do his job.

What he has on John, is anyone's guess.


----------



## Yelkcub (May 13, 2014)

Meanwhile, yesterday said I was leaving to take up a directorship elsewhere, and today John has asked me to name my price to stay.


----------



## BoatieBird (May 14, 2014)

We had an actual fire yesterday!



> This lunchtime there was a fire in the xxxxx leading to the evacuation of the building and a call out to the Fire Brigade. The cause of the fire was overheating of food in a microwave oven.
> In order to prevent a re-occurrence of this incident, when using a  microwave oven you must remain with it for the duration of your cooking time. Check the settings before you switch it on, and check the food/drink regularly to prevent overheating. If you spill any of your food please wipe it up as microwaves are not cleaned by the cleaning staff.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 14, 2014)

BoatieBird said:


> We had an actual fire yesterday!


And they thought getting rid of toasters would stop this happening.  

We've had some instances of very well done food in the microwaves at work - it's amazing how they stink the building out.


----------



## BoatieBird (May 14, 2014)

We've still got toasters 
Sshhh, don't tell anyone.


----------



## Orang Utan (May 14, 2014)

We have toasters. Always tempted to burn my toast on a sunny day to get an extended outside break


----------



## DotCommunist (May 14, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> We have toasters. Always tempted to burn my toast on a sunny day to get an extended outside break



kidnap a dog and let it loose in the school. Everyone remembers how awesome it was the day a dog  got into school


----------



## ddraig (May 14, 2014)

or a ferret! we had that once
massive blobs of weird coloured shit! and loads of screaming


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 14, 2014)

BoatieBird said:


> We've still got toasters
> Sshhh, don't tell anyone.



I've not worked in an office with a toaster for years.  Very annoying as its great to be able to make toast when you get to work.


----------



## BoatieBird (May 14, 2014)

I will be most annoyed if we lose toaster and microwave privilages.


----------



## Badgers (May 14, 2014)

BoatieBird said:


> I will be most annoyed if we lose toaster and microwave privilages.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 14, 2014)

Badgers said:


>


Appealing if it weren't for the hideous colour.


----------



## Badgers (May 14, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Appealing if it weren't for the hideous colour.


----------



## Schmetterling (May 14, 2014)

Yelkcub said:


> Meanwhile, yesterday said I was leaving to take up a directorship elsewhere, and today John has asked me to name my price to stay.


 
Yep, John sounds nicer than Dave, doesn't he 5t3IIa?


----------



## kabbes (May 14, 2014)

Badgers said:


>


Does that come USB powered?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 14, 2014)

Badgers said:


>


Now that's better.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 14, 2014)

kabbes said:


> Does that come USB powered?


I think if you tried to run that lot from a USB port you'd melt the computer.


----------



## kabbes (May 14, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I think if you tried to run that lot from a USB port you'd melt the computer.


So win-win then.


----------



## Badgers (May 14, 2014)

USB Beans 






On USB Toast


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 14, 2014)

Badgers said:


> USB Beans
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Just where do you find these shit products?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 14, 2014)

kabbes said:


> So win-win then.


Sat at your desk eating a cooked breakfast while your computer is on fire.


----------



## kittyP (May 14, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> The sooner men learn to sit down to pee the better, public urinals notwithstanding. Stand up weeing is one of the last taboos of male chauvinism that needs to be destroyed once and for all.



I am sure I have said this on here before but when I used to live in a house full of blokes that quite liked their K, jeezus the bathroom floor 
It was like a swamp. 
I used to have to put my shoes on to go in there


----------



## kittyP (May 14, 2014)

BoatieBird said:


> We had an actual fire yesterday!



I once set of the alarm at work with pitta breads in the toaster. 
I was standing next to it and I swear blind there was no smoke! MEGA sensitive sensors! 
The whole school was evacuated including physically disabled kids out the pool and everything


----------



## kittyP (May 14, 2014)

DotCommunist said:


> kidnap a dog and let it loose in the school. Everyone remembers how awesome it was the day a dog  got into school


----------



## Throbbing Angel (May 14, 2014)

Badgers said:


>





Badgers said:


>




There is no way those sausages would be ready at the same time as that egg.

I'm calling bullshit on this product


----------



## Throbbing Angel (May 14, 2014)

kittyP said:


> I once set of the alarm at work with pitta breads in the toaster.
> I was standing next to it and I swear blind there was no smoke! MEGA sensitive sensors!
> The whole school was evacuated including physically disabled kids out the pool and everything



This happened on my first day at Uni - illegal office toaster usage led to hundreds of bewildered students stood on Oxford Rd - as it was day 1 - we hadn't been told where to go in the event of a fire, yet


----------



## twentythreedom (May 14, 2014)

Do the sausages in this


----------



## Throbbing Angel (May 14, 2014)

No!  Go to the cafe like a normal!


----------



## Geri (May 14, 2014)

kittyP said:


> I once set of the alarm at work with pitta breads in the toaster.


 
A colleague once set ours off by burning a haggis. The smell was horrific.


----------



## StoneRoad (May 14, 2014)

One of the places I used to work at had a mega sensitive smoke alarm - several times we were evacuated because some smart alec with a cigar was hiding in the toilets. (the fire brigade found the stub and ash!) and this was after the workplace smoking ban !


----------



## Corax (May 14, 2014)

Throbbing Angel said:


> There is no way those sausages would be ready at the same time as that egg.
> 
> I'm calling bullshit on this product


It should be bacon anyway. Coffee, and a few rashers between white buttered toast.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 14, 2014)

Badgers said:


> On USB Toast



Look at the small print on the box - it takes it 30 minutes to do four slices of toast.  It'd be almost dinnertime by the time your toast was ready.


----------



## prunus (May 14, 2014)

Badgers said:


> USB Beans



USBeans, surely??!!?


----------



## equationgirl (May 14, 2014)

Badgers said:


> USB Beans
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I really really want that toaster


----------



## emanymton (May 14, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Look at the small print on the box - it takes it 30 minutes to do four slices of toast.  It'd be almost dinnertime by the time your toast was ready.


I am curious about the software though.


----------



## el-ahrairah (May 14, 2014)

kittyP said:


> I am sure I have said this on here before but when I used to live in a house full of blokes that quite liked their K, jeezus the bathroom floor
> It was like a swamp.
> I used to have to put my shoes on to go in there



i have experienced similar.  though as one of the guilty parties!


----------



## equationgirl (May 14, 2014)

Noooooooo!!!!

The toaster isn't real!!!!!!!

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/11/26/usb_toaster/



> Still keen? Sadly, we’ve got to admit that the USB Toaster isn’t real. We’re sorry to have made your stomach rumble, but it’s actually a cunning ploy from US comedy site The Onion.
> 
> It's all about helping you trick tech-obsessed friends, because you can buy the empty box online for $8 (£5/€6) and watch with glee as they unwrap the USB toaster, only to discover that, actually, all they've received is the usual pair of socks.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 15, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> Noooooooo!!!!
> 
> The toaster isn't real!!!!!!!
> 
> http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/11/26/usb_toaster/


I wonder how much power a USB port can chuck out. Does any geeky person know? I know I could search for it but i can't be bothered.


----------



## joustmaster (May 15, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I wonder how much power a USB port can chuck out. Does any geeky person know? I know I could search for it but i can't be bothered.


5 V (DC)
and between 0.5 and 0.9 A
So between 2.5 and 4.5 W
not very much


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 16, 2014)

Oooh, we have a cracker. First some history...

Our office is on one floor, in our office there is a ladies bog, in the lobby a unisex one, which was used by blokes. Now another company has moved in to the other office on our floor, they have no bog, so all their staff must use the unisex khazi. Within days of them moving in this appeared...





Today it's been upgraded to this literary classic...






Odd thing is, before this new company moved in the bogs were pretty much spotless...


----------



## Corax (May 16, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Odd thing is, before this new company moved in the bogs were pretty much spotless...


You should add a notice to that effect...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 16, 2014)

Corax said:


> You should add a notice to that effect...



I fully intend to. Any suggestions are welcome, or else I'll just be blunt, "The shitter was fine till you scumbags showed up, love Bahnhof's company"


----------



## DotCommunist (May 16, 2014)

'before you lot showed up you could eat your dinner off these pans, so log/own arse


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 16, 2014)




----------



## billy_bob (May 16, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> I fully intend to. Any suggestions are welcome, or else I'll just be blunt, "The shitter was fine till you scumbags showed up, love Bahnhof's company"



Can I suggest the following addition: 'ps - don't hold the brush upside down like that. You're dripping shitey bog-water all over the place, you dirty get'


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 16, 2014)

billy_bob said:


> Can I suggest the following addition: 'ps - don't hold the brush upside down like that. You're dripping shitey bog-water all over the place, you dirty get'



Heh, looking at the pic of the bog brush it does appear that a winnit is falling from it...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 16, 2014)

Before leaving a witty riposte, I thought I'd go grammar Nazi...


----------



## Corax (May 16, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Before leaving a witty riposte, I thought I'd go grammar Nazi...


Full stops too. 

I'd not mention any companies, just the date they moved in. "since 5th of Marchtember this toilet has frequently been left in a horrific state, etc..." 

Far more passive aggressive 

Reminds me - I must remember to take a photo of the passive aggressive masterpiece I put up in the gents at work. It begins "Gentlemen..."


----------



## Mumbles274 (May 16, 2014)

The following News has just been posted to the Gateway Taktix:

Wasps

Please be aware if you are going to either use the bins or the gate in the service yard, there is a large swarm of wasps, paying particular attention to the middle bin.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 16, 2014)

Corax said:


> Full stops too.
> 
> I'd not mention any companies, just the date they moved in. "since 5th of Marchtember this toilet has frequently been left in a horrific state, etc..."
> 
> Far more passive aggressive



We've come up with a much better plan...


----------



## plurker (May 16, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Before leaving a witty riposte, I thought I'd go grammar Nazi...



'WHOEVER'' not WHO EVER'
A space needed after PLEASE STOP before the hyphen and also after BRUSH

(edit - i suspect you'll not actually want to edit it any more after that last post


----------



## Corax (May 16, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> We've come up with a much better plan...
> 
> 
> View attachment 53966


----------



## DotCommunist (May 16, 2014)

did you wipe the shitty bog brush on the sign? rank!


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 16, 2014)

Groooooooooooooooooooss


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 16, 2014)

_._


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 16, 2014)

DotCommunist said:


> did you wipe the shitty bog brush on the sign? rank!



Was actually smeared with the wrapper from a chocolate muffin. But no one's gonna test it, are they.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 16, 2014)

Ha, gone all comic sans now. Srs busns


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 16, 2014)

Oh my fucking GOD


----------



## FridgeMagnet (May 16, 2014)

"ammendments"


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 16, 2014)

FridgeMagnet said:


> "ammendments"



Just gone back with the red pen...


----------



## Badgers (May 16, 2014)

FridgeMagnet said:


> "ammendments"



This is going to run and run I think


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 16, 2014)

FridgeMagnet said:


> "ammendments"



I just fixed it.
And what do you think was down the pan? SKIDS


----------



## Badgers (May 16, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Just gone back with the red pen...


----------



## FridgeMagnet (May 16, 2014)

Should really have been P.S. as well.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 16, 2014)




----------



## 5t3IIa (May 16, 2014)

FFS


----------



## DotCommunist (May 16, 2014)

omg a passive agressive hashtag!


----------



## billy_bob (May 16, 2014)

I would write 'this isn't Twitter, it's the wall of the shitter' next to that hashtag.


----------



## Corax (May 16, 2014)

This is the time to start correcting their grammar _wrong_.


----------



## kittyP (May 16, 2014)

Oh my goodness Bahnhof Strasse      

Thread winner?


----------



## sorearm (May 18, 2014)

... just sheer brilliance


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 18, 2014)

I'm not sure I can't keep it up tbf. I had sweaty palms when it was my turn with the red pen


----------



## StoneRoad (May 18, 2014)

Just why is it so many people will leave the bogs at their place of work in such a disgusting condition ? 
I dread to think what their home WC looks like.

Not to mention the weirdo that has a slash - in the ladies - at my work place, trouble is, he hoses down the floor at the same time.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 18, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> I'm not sure I can't keep it up tbf. I had sweaty palms when it was my turn with the red pen



Are your sweaty palms a sign of guilt?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 18, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Are your sweaty palms a sign of guilt?



Skiddy-Stella she's known as down Mile End way...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 18, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Skiddy-Stella she's known as down Mile End way...



You're a braver man than me.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 18, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> You're a braver man than me.



I've a feeling I may live to regret that one.


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 18, 2014)

*cough*


----------



## nogojones (May 18, 2014)

In comic sans as well. They've been taught how to write a scolding letter properly.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 18, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> I've a feeling I may live to regret that one.


I think you may well be right.


----------



## JTG (May 18, 2014)

nogojones said:


> In comic sans as well. They've been taught how to write a scolding letter properly.


Good point - just who is being trolled here?


----------



## Badgers (May 18, 2014)

Replies: 2,861
Views: 124,76

Hell of a ratio this thread  

#proud


----------



## free spirit (May 18, 2014)

Since when was cleaning the bogs not in a cleaner's job remit?


----------



## Me76 (May 19, 2014)

> Dear all
> 
> Please can you not unplug anything under the desks unless you are 100% that you are unplugging something that will only affect you, both for net work / ethernet cable and power cables.
> 
> ...


----------



## marty21 (May 19, 2014)

nice - I'm sure you will have no further problems


----------



## Me76 (May 19, 2014)

marty21 said:


> nice - I'm sure you will have no further problems


You mean the person who sent the email will have no further problems!!


----------



## marty21 (May 19, 2014)

Me76 said:


> You mean the person who sent the email will have no further problems!!


 exactly


----------



## billy_bob (May 20, 2014)

Because continually plugging in more and more things won't increase your risk of electrical fires at all, or fuck the planet up in any way.


----------



## neonwilderness (May 20, 2014)

Me76's office:


----------



## marty21 (May 20, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


> Me76's office:


 or it could be the office of the person who wrote the email


----------



## billy_bob (May 20, 2014)

marty21 said:


> or it could be the office of the person who wrote the email



There does seem to be some confusion on this point, a mere 96 pages into the concept of the thread


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 22, 2014)

More shots fired in Skidgate. Photo to come...


----------



## Badgers (May 22, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> Photo to come...



HURRY UP


----------



## Pickman's model (May 22, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> Photo to come...


*taps watch*


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 22, 2014)

Badgers said:


> HURRY UP



Bahnhof Strasse


----------



## Badgers (May 22, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 22, 2014)




----------



## 5t3IIa (May 22, 2014)

> i APPLAUD



Classic


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 22, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> Classic



The author maybe Spanish


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 22, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> The author maybe Spanish



A clue!

Or cAPS LOCK in written form?


----------



## FridgeMagnet (May 22, 2014)

or the ghost of Steve Jobs?


----------



## DotCommunist (May 22, 2014)

loliteracy


----------



## sorearm (May 22, 2014)

I just love this thread so much


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 22, 2014)




----------



## Orang Utan (May 22, 2014)

Someone is attempting to start a That's A Moray verse off! Excellent work


----------



## billy_bob (May 22, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Someone is attempting to start a That's A Moray verse off! Excellent work



Eel be lucky if anyone takes that bait.


----------



## quiet guy (May 23, 2014)

Could lose his Sole?


----------



## a_chap (May 23, 2014)

Ah, sole. Very funny pun.


----------



## Badgers (May 27, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse
5t3IIa

Any updates?


----------



## Enviro (Aug 8, 2014)

Sort of the opposite of a scolding e-mail here 

I'm based in Brighton working for a multinational group and someone in Birmingham just sent out an e-mail to the whole UK division offering celebratory cake! They've had replies from colleagues in Bristol and Southampton along the lines of 'please e-mail me one' 'leaving now' and 'Taxi!'


----------



## Ax^ (Aug 8, 2014)

get a portal reference in


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 8, 2014)

Badgers said:


> Bahnhof Strasse
> 5t3IIa
> 
> Any updates?



Naw. We took the high road and left it because _we _are grown ups


----------



## 5t3IIa (Aug 12, 2014)

I'm starting to feel some sympathy with the original note writer. I've just nipped in for a slash and there was an unflushed toxic green pee just sat there stinking up the place  I had my drawers down before I noticed the smell and it was too late to run for it


----------



## colacubes (Aug 12, 2014)

Bad times   Maybe you should write a note?


----------



## KeeperofDragons (Aug 12, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> I'm starting to feel some sympathy with the original note writer. I've just nipped in for a slash and there was an unflushed toxic green pee just sat there stinking up the place  I had my drawers down before I noticed the smell and it was too late to run for it


That reminds me of the Red Dwarf scene where Rimmer tells Lister that pee should only be green if you're Mr Spock


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 12, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> I'm starting to feel some sympathy with the original note writer. I've just nipped in for a slash and there was an unflushed toxic green pee just sat there stinking up the place  I had my drawers down before I noticed the smell and it was too late to run for it



Perhaps just tell Bahnhof Strasse to stop pissing in the womens loos.


----------



## smmudge (Aug 12, 2014)

Enviro said:


> Sort of the opposite of a scolding e-mail here
> 
> I'm based in Brighton working for a multinational group and someone in Birmingham just sent out an e-mail to the whole UK division offering celebratory cake! They've had replies from colleagues in Bristol and Southampton along the lines of 'please e-mail me one' 'leaving now' and 'Taxi!'



Once someone in our office sent an email round saying "thanks for the birthday card, please help yourself to the cake next to the photocopier" or something along those lines, but managed somehow to send it worldwide! He got fired for it as well!


----------



## laptop (Aug 12, 2014)

smmudge said:


> He got fired for it as well!



Bloody hell. Did he have two years' service? Paging cesare  ...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 12, 2014)

laptop said:


> Bloody hell. Did he have two years' service? Paging cesare  ...



It does sound a bit harsh.  Understandable if the e-mail was inappropriate in some way, but that's pretty innocuous.


----------



## kittyP (Aug 12, 2014)

smmudge said:


> Once someone in our office sent an email round saying "thanks for the birthday card, please help yourself to the cake next to the photocopier" or something along those lines, but managed somehow to send it worldwide! He got fired for it as well!



Fired for offering cake?!


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 12, 2014)

kittyP said:


> Fired for offering cake?!


fired for offering cake


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 12, 2014)

kittyP said:


> Fired for offering cake?!



Perhaps the person who fired them was on a diet and pissed off that they couldn't eat cake?


----------



## cesare (Aug 12, 2014)

Sounds a bit harsh.


----------



## smmudge (Aug 12, 2014)

Fired for accidentally sending it worldwide no doubt. It happened before I started but our company likes to use temps from an agency who they can drop without any notice or reason so yeah, it's plausible, though I guess "fired" isn't technically correct.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 12, 2014)

kittyP said:


> Fired for offering cake?!



Offering drugs to all your colleagues worldwide is a serious offence.


----------



## The Octagon (Aug 12, 2014)

Every so often someone accidentally sends a group email around most of the company (40,000+ employees worldwide).

At which point you can guarantee an emailaggedon of replies copying everyone saying "please remove me from this distribution list".

This will happen around 20-50 times before people start hitting reply to all and saying "PLEASE STOP REPLYING TO ALL!" (zee irony, she eez delicious).

It will all die down until someone in the US or China wakes up and replies to all with "Please remove me from this distribution list", which kicks the whole thing off again 

People have been seriously reprimanded (no firings as far as I am aware yet), mainly because eventually they lose patience and start berating everyone else for being stupid (which I have some sympathy for).

This can go on for days


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 12, 2014)

The Octagon said:


> Every so often someone accidentally sends a group email around most of the company (40,000+ employees worldwide).
> 
> At which point you can guarantee an emailaggedon of replies copying everyone saying "please remove me from this distribution list".
> 
> ...



Our mailservers almost collapsed because of this issue, until someone _very_ senior got wind of what was happening and sent a very direct e-mail ordering everyone to stop responding to the message.


----------



## laptop (Aug 12, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Our mailservers almost collapsed because of this issue, until someone _very_ senior got wind of what was happening and sent a very direct e-mail ordering everyone to stop responding to the message.



And... how many responded to that...




and how long did they last?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 12, 2014)

laptop said:


> And... how many responded to that...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Amazingly a couple of idiots did, along the lines of 'who is she to tell us what to do?' - totally oblivious to the senior bod's e-mail signature making it very clear.  

The idiots' e-mail accounts were suspended immediately and they were given a proper bollocking.  Not disciplinary as far as I recall though.


----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 12, 2014)

Why do big companies allow people to send emails to the whole company? It seems rather risky and unwise.
Where I work only a few select people are allowed to send them.


----------



## emanymton (Aug 12, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Why do big companies allow people to send emails to the whole company? It seems rather risky and unwise.
> Where I work only a few select people are allowed to send them.


It seems bizarre to me, I work for a major company and the worst we can do is email everyone in our office and in other places you can't even do that much. How do you manage to email the whole company by accident anyway?


----------



## kittyP (Aug 12, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Why do big companies allow people to send emails to the whole company? It seems rather risky and unwise.
> Where I work only a few select people are allowed to send them.



The same at my old work too. 
Only people in a senior position could email all.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 12, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Why do big companies allow people to send emails to the whole company? It seems rather risky and unwise.
> Where I work only a few select people are allowed to send them.



It just depends on the configuration of the network they use, and the policies they put in place to control misuse.  I think anyone can send e-mails to the massive distribution lists where I work, but most people aren't stupid so don't mess around with it.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Aug 12, 2014)

even where i work there aren't any Reply All mistakes but i think that 50% of the staff wouldn't know what Reply All is.


----------



## laptop (Aug 12, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> It just depends on the configuration of the network they use, and the policies they put in place to control misuse.  I think anyone can send e-mails to the massive distribution lists where I work, but most people aren't stupid so don't mess around with it.



I presume that the option to prevent in MS Exchange it is deeply obscure even by the high standard that software sets.

I know it exists, because when I send a legitimate query to one distribution list, another distribution list that's subscribed to it bounces back "*you* are not allowed to send mail to me".

el-ahrairah - with a distribution list, a simple "reply" will send to everyone (unless it's set up to stop that...)


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Aug 12, 2014)

laptop said:


> I know it exists, because when I send a legitimate query to one distribution list, another distribution list that's subscribed to it bounces back "*you* are not allowed to send mail to me".



If the system is a bit slow, and you send such an e-mail just before you bugger off on holiday, and then the last thing you do before you log off is set up an "out of office" reply...



(i didn't quite do that, but i did - in the days when e-mail was still fairly new and we had a way of sending faxes via the e-mail network to people who didn't have this fancy modern e-mail stuff - attempt to send a fax late one afternoon before I had a few days off.  At about 0300, the system decided it couldn't send the fax, and sent me an e-mail saying it couldn't send it.  this would have been fine if the system had then responded to my "out of office" with something along the lines of "that e-mail wasn't a fax, sod off".  and repeat...    )


----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 12, 2014)

laptop said:


> I presume that the option to prevent in MS Exchange it is deeply obscure even by the high standard that software sets.
> 
> I know it exists, because when I send a legitimate query to one distribution list, another distribution list that's subscribed to it bounces back "*you* are not allowed to send mail to me".
> 
> el-ahrairah - with a distribution list, a simple "reply" will send to everyone (unless it's set up to stop that...)


Aye, it's like that in Yahoo Group email lists. I am in a professional one and recently replied to a personal message about a work situation and the whole group got it.
A friend once saw an accidental one on a literary mailing list in which the sender talked about their experiences of tantric sex in detail.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Aug 12, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> A friend once saw an accidental one on a literary mailing list in which the sender talked about their experiences of tantric sex in detail.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 12, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Aye, it's like that in Yahoo Group email lists. I am in a professional one and recently replied to a personal message about a work situation and the whole group got it.
> A friend once saw an accidental one on a literary mailing list in which the sender talked about their experiences of tantric sex in detail.


Email can be dangerous.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Aug 12, 2014)

laptop said:


> I presume that the option to prevent in MS Exchange it is deeply obscure even by the high standard that software sets.
> 
> I know it exists, because when I send a legitimate query to one distribution list, another distribution list that's subscribed to it bounces back "*you* are not allowed to send mail to me".
> 
> el-ahrairah - with a distribution list, a simple "reply" will send to everyone (unless it's set up to stop that...)


It's pretty basic really and there isn't any excuse for having an open global list.

Well, the excuses could be "I just walked off the street and blagged this IT job and have no idea what I'm doing" or "senior management are complete idiots who insist on keeping lists open despite this sort of shit happening".


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 12, 2014)

Puddy_Tat said:


> If the system is a bit slow, and you send such an e-mail just before you bugger off on holiday, and then the last thing you do before you log off is set up an "out of office" reply...
> 
> 
> 
> (i didn't quite do that, but i did - in the days when e-mail was still fairly new and we had a way of sending faxes via the e-mail network to people who didn't have this fancy modern e-mail stuff - attempt to send a fax late one afternoon before I had a few days off.  At about 0300, the system decided it couldn't send the fax, and sent me an e-mail saying it couldn't send it.  this would have been fine if the system had then responded to my "out of office" with something along the lines of "that e-mail wasn't a fax, sod off".  and repeat...    )


That's what nearly crippled our mail system - every 'reply to all' triggered god knows how many thousands of out of office and auto replies, causing the mail servers to have to queue shit loads of messages as they weren't designed to cope with quite that volume of traffic.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Aug 12, 2014)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 12, 2014)

FridgeMagnet said:


> It's pretty basic really and there isn't any excuse for having an open global list.
> 
> Well, the excuses could be "I just walked off the street and blagged this IT job and have no idea what I'm doing" or "senior management are complete idiots who insist on keeping lists open despite this sort of shit happening".


Sounds like where I work.


----------



## DotCommunist (Aug 13, 2014)

this is what happens when you ask me to take minutes at a business meeting


> Temporary business brainstorm 10/aug/14
> 
> 
> Present: David xxxxx, Mathew xxxx, Tina xxxxx.
> ...


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 21, 2014)

Not an email and possibly not real, but it made me chuckle 






See the rest here:
http://metro.co.uk/2014/08/21/battl...sive-aggressive-thing-weve-ever-seen-4841225/


----------



## quimcunx (Aug 21, 2014)

Scolding emailer: expert level.


----------



## friedaweed (Aug 24, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


> Not an email and possibly not real, but it made me chuckle
> 
> 
> 
> ...



That was quite an entertaining read


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 24, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


> Not an email and possibly not real, but it made me chuckle
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Probably not real, but a bit of fun.  But the first thing that you'd do would be to check the printer logs to find the culprit.  Some network printers also print microdots* on each page which can be used to identify the individual who ran a print job.  Risky business using office printers for unofficial purposes.  

*No, not those type of microdots.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Sep 3, 2014)

Not sure if this counts as scolding



> Hello
> Following an air-conditioning unit inspection this morning, it was reported that the unit was leaking water onto the office floor and on to X's shoulder and workspace.
> 
> After the inspection, it has been verified that this was because of three out of four vents being taped up and causing condensation to build up within the unit as the coils within the unit were getting frozen and iced up. We have been advised to refrain from using Duct Tape to cover the ventilation units, as the metallic element of this tape only aids the freezing of the coil when it blows back cold air on to itself.
> ...



So taping up an air conditioning unit causes it to break, who'd have thunk it? 

(AC in the office is apparently to cold for those people directly below it, so they've taped up the louvres for the last 2 years to not get a direct breeze on the shoulders)


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 25, 2014)

'ere we go again...


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 25, 2014)

Well, well, well....


----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 25, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> 'ere we go again...




that level of cockishness deserves a top-decking


----------



## colacubes (Sep 25, 2014)

Get your pen out 5t3IIa


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 25, 2014)

colacubes said:


> Get your pen out 5t3IIa



Bahnhof Strasse is just double-checking how to spell 'grammar' then he's off on his mission


----------



## colacubes (Sep 25, 2014)

Good lad


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 25, 2014)




----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 25, 2014)

Oh Bahnhoff


----------



## colacubes (Sep 25, 2014)




----------



## StoneRoad (Sep 25, 2014)

There is someone who uses the shared facilities at my place of work with similar lack of potty training.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 25, 2014)

StoneRoad said:


> There is someone who uses the shared facilities at my place of work with similar lack of potty training.



How's their grammar?


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 25, 2014)

teehee


----------



## StoneRoad (Sep 25, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> How's their grammar?



Not good, if the standard of their potty training is anything to go by. The only sign is the one I put up a couple of weeks ago after "one of the guys" used the gals area and made enough of a mess for me to get a complaint! The place stayed clean up to the day before yesterday.


----------



## marty21 (Sep 25, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Why do big companies allow people to send emails to the whole company? It seems rather risky and unwise.
> Where I work only a few select people are allowed to send them.


In the early days of email (mid 90s) we managed to convince a senior manager he had cc'd everyone a joky email he'd sent to a colleague  he wasn't very up on emails tbf


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 25, 2014)

One email we get regularly is asking people to move their cars cos they are parked in someone's 'space'. Makes me want to have a car just so I can park in their stupid parking spaces.


----------



## marty21 (Sep 25, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> One email we get regularly is asking people to move their cars cos they are parked in someone's 'space'. Makes me want to have a car just so I can park in their stupid parking spaces.


I'll lend you mine


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 25, 2014)

What are the point of them? So some people can feel special? Only people with disabilities need a dedicated space.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 25, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> What are the point of them? So some people can feel special? Only people with disabilities need a dedicated space.


People are peculiar, stinking creatures, OU.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 25, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> What are the point of them? So some people can feel special? Only people with disabilities need a dedicated space.


It can be a perk of the job, a dedicated space.


----------



## marty21 (Sep 25, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> What are the point of them? So some people can feel special? Only people with disabilities need a dedicated space.


I have never had a dedicated parking space


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 25, 2014)

equationgirl said:


> It can be a perk of the job, a dedicated space.


Fuck perks. No one should get one unless it's a necessity. There are nearly enough parking spaces for everyone. If you're late you park in the street. It's only fair.


----------



## StoneRoad (Sep 25, 2014)

We have an area outside the workshop, currently occupied by half a work project, that is our parking area. Sometimes we get others in there - last time the boss blocked them in and then went off-site for a couple of hours. The regular offender didn't do that again !!


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 25, 2014)

StoneRoad said:


> We have an area outside the workshop, currently occupied by half a work project, that is our parking area. Sometimes we get others in there - last time the boss blocked them in and then went off-site for a couple of hours. The regular offender didn't do that again !!


----------



## StoneRoad (Sep 25, 2014)

We pay rent for the specific area concerned and it has markings / notices, also the person concerned had been spoken to about this several (lots) of times already - and the concern he works for an area which has similar arrangements to us (and had plenty of spaces at the time, he was too idle to walk from his normal zone - not that there was more than a few metres difference).


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 25, 2014)

5t3IIa said:


> People are peculiar, stinking creatures, OU.



You deal with the scion of someone who had THREE dedicated spaces at his office.











Plus a helipad


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 25, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Fuck perks. No one should get one unless it's a necessity. There are nearly enough parking spaces for everyone. If you're late you park in the street. It's only fair.


We can't park on the street - it's a secure site and the roads need to be clear for the constant stream of lorries going in and out. I never said I agreed with it, there usually are enough spaces for everyone.


----------



## Sapphireblue (Sep 26, 2014)

where i work now is the first place where there are enough parking spaces. previously parking has only been for very senior bods and everyone else had to pay for parking elsewhere (in very busy car parks where there might not be a space unless you have a season ticket) or not drive. so parking when you're not allowed would mean those who are allowed cannot park.


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 26, 2014)

But everyone who works there should have an equal chance of getting a space. So if the boss arrives late, tough shit.


----------



## souljacker (Sep 26, 2014)

Orang Utan You seem to be suggesting everyone in the workplace is equal. This aint communist Russia pal.


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 26, 2014)

souljacker said:


> Orang Utan You seem to be suggesting everyone in the workplace is equal. This aint communist Russia pal.


Yes.


----------



## Bob_the_lost (Sep 28, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> But everyone who works there should have an equal chance of getting a space. So if the boss arrives late, tough shit.


That assumes that everyone has the same hours, need for a car and that there is the same impact if they don't get a space. Even ignoring the fact that some people may work different shifts because of childcare there may be good reasons that your model wouldn't be the most efficient nor make allowances for those that need a space. It is fair in the same sense that random chance is but one of Humanities saving graces is that sometimes we can do better than that.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Nov 18, 2014)

> Hi All
> 
> I've noticed there are a lot of personal packages being delivered to work which I understand is the only option for some of us but can we try and keep it to a minimum please
> 
> ...


 
FUCK. OFF.

I work 40 hours a week for you fucks, the least you can do is let me send my shit here because I'm never at home to get a parcel delivered.

So Feck off to Feck.


----------



## sim667 (Nov 20, 2014)

Artaxerxes said:


> FUCK. OFF.
> 
> I work 40 hours a week for you fucks, the least you can do is let me send my shit here because I'm never at home to get a parcel delivered.
> 
> So Feck off to Feck.



I know its annoying...... but this may help in future (it costs money though)

http://my.bybox.com/


----------



## ringo (Nov 27, 2014)

First department wide email in nearly a year from our Director, glad he's keeping himself busy.

Courtesy consideration and hygiene

Dear All,
Please see the attached image of one of the cubicles in the ground floor toilets of **** building. I find it almost incredible that a member of staff is responsible for this disgraceful behaviour. However, given that entry to the building is controlled, I have to admit of the possibility. This treatment of our facilities is unconscionable and the disrespect it demonstrates towards our colleagues in PAF who maintain our working environment shames us all. Needless to say that if ever there is a re-occurrence of this conduct and I am in a position to take action against the culprit, I will do so without hesitation.


----------



## Sapphireblue (Nov 27, 2014)

i was expecting shit on the walls at least! tut, people can't even ruin a toilet properly.


----------



## ringo (Nov 27, 2014)

I know, didn't even do a proper job


----------



## Roadkill (Nov 27, 2014)

It's not exactly a scolding, but I've had to send out a reminder to people working in my building to make sure that the back door is securely locked after the last person leaves, as a couple of times it's been left unlocked.  The lock is a bit temperamental, and it doesn't help that thanks to a leaking gutter above the door swells a bit in wet weather and becomes very stiff to open and close.  The joys of working in old buildings...  I've suggested to colleagues that the best way to close it securely is to imagine that the Prime Minister's fingers are in it.


----------



## Spod (Nov 28, 2014)

I must admit I am a fucker for the odd email and post-IT's attached to portable heaters requesting that users remember to turn them off. I have been at the same place for 15 years and have put a lot into building it up. Im bollocksed if I am going to risk coming to work to find a smoking ruin, probably putting us all out of work, just because some scrote couldnt remember to turn off their heater before leaving, even if I have to upset them to get them to listen. 




Roadkill said:


> It's not exactly a scolding, but I've had to send out a reminder to people working in my building to make sure that the back door is securely locked after the last person leaves, as a couple of times it's been left unlocked.  The lock is a bit temperamental, and it doesn't help that thanks to a leaking gutter above the door swells a bit in wet weather and becomes very stiff to open and close.  The joys of working in old buildings...  I've suggested to colleagues that the best way to close it securely is to imagine that the Prime Minister's fingers are in it.


----------



## KeeperofDragons (Nov 28, 2014)

Roadkill said:


> It's not exactly a scolding, but I've had to send out a reminder to people working in my building to make sure that the back door is securely locked after the last person leaves, as a couple of times it's been left unlocked.  The lock is a bit temperamental, and it doesn't help that thanks to a leaking gutter above the door swells a bit in wet weather and becomes very stiff to open and close.  The joys of working in old buildings...  I've suggested to colleagues that the best way to close it securely is to imagine that the Prime Minister's fingers are in it.


Sod that, imagine his head's in it


----------



## Roadkill (Nov 28, 2014)

KeeperofDragons said:


> Sod that, imagine his head's in it



Nah. You'd have to slam it so hard to dent Cameron's ivory skull that the frame would come out of the wall.


----------



## Part 2 (Nov 29, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> One email we get regularly is asking people to move their cars cos they are parked in someone's 'space'. Makes me want to have a car just so I can park in their stupid parking spaces.



We frequently have 'carparkgate' in my office. People can be quite inconsiderate in their car parking, blocking other in etc. Same people complaining everytime about it. They're also the same people who block others in and come in and say 'oh soandso, I've just blocked you in'.

Mind you one woman parked her car behind mine and went off to Asda shopping. I checked her boot and it opened. I was very tempted to climb through the hatchback and push her car out onto the road.


----------



## May Kasahara (Dec 1, 2014)

Sapphireblue said:


> i was expecting shit on the walls at least! tut, people can't even ruin a toilet properly.



Innit! Bangers and mash without the bangers. Pfft.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 4, 2014)

During the Christmas period the Corporate Business Support team tend to get inundated with Christmas cards that are sent via the internal postal system - if you must send cards to your colleagues via this method - please ensure that the envelope is addressed properly with the recipients *full name, directorate, team and office address / location*.
You must also place *3 large crosses* in the top right hand side of the envelope (where the stamp would normally go) to indicate that it is an internal piece of post.

This process is extremely important as it will significantly reduce the amount of time spent by the Corporate Business Support team when sorting the mail, as well as minimising delays in the items reaching its intended destination.

Post items which are untraceable due to non-compliance of the above cannot be delivered and will be discarded.

Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.

*Corporate Business Support team*


----------



## Schmetterling (Dec 4, 2014)

Bah Humbug to the Corporate Business Support Team -> posties


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 16, 2015)

100% not a scold, but really don't know where else to stick this...

We have a new-ish chap in accounts. I suspect that he may not be quite up to the job...



> Good Morning,
> 
> 
> We have received an amount of £3017.01 this morning into our account under the payment name of ‘BACS’ and no further information.
> ...


----------



## J Ed (Jan 16, 2015)

Looks a bit like an honesty test


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 16, 2015)

*BA*hnhof's *C*ocaine *S*tash


----------



## J Ed (Jan 16, 2015)

Surely a chaps payment would be better suited for that


----------



## The Octagon (Jan 16, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> 100% not a scold, but really don't know where else to stick this...
> 
> We have a new-ish chap in accounts. I suspect that he may not be quite up to the job...



Heh 

I once received a group email (to around 50 people) from a finance guy in the US who was asking about a large money transfer and if anyone knew who the recipient was.

Turned out to be the private salary details of our CEO, showing his 8 figure income, tax details and home address.

Never did hear from that finance person again....


----------



## kabbes (Jan 16, 2015)

The salary details of the CEO of a company listed in the stock exchange are public anyway.

Not so much tax details and home address, mind.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 18, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> 100% not a scold, but really don't know where else to stick this...
> 
> We have a new-ish chap in accounts. I suspect that he may not be quite up to the job...


We get those all the time too. Sometimes they even have the name of a paying company in the email


----------



## StoneRoad (Jan 20, 2015)

StoneRoad said:


> We have an area outside the workshop, currently occupied by half a work project, that is our parking area. Sometimes we get others in there - last time the boss blocked them in and then went off-site for a couple of hours. The regular offender didn't do that again !!



Update - this item of work had to be deep cleaned, with a pressure washer.
Despite the evidence of work in progress - as in large puddles - after the washer operator stopped for a tea break he came back to find a car parked just next to the next bit that was due to be cleaned. Cue a lot of shouting .........


----------



## teuchter (Jan 30, 2015)

Not scolding, but,



> Thank yiou for your value custom *****, your business is appreciated.



Thanks. I can see how much value you place on it by the care you have taken in typing this sentence.


----------



## marty21 (Feb 10, 2015)

#filtercoffeegate


----------



## colacubes (Feb 10, 2015)

marty21 said:


> View attachment 67504 #filtercoffeegate



Could have gone in heavier on the exclamation marks imho.


----------



## BoatieBird (Feb 10, 2015)

colacubes said:


> Could have gone in heavier on the exclamation marks imho.



But a good effort on the underlining imo


----------



## Mr Retro (Feb 10, 2015)

BoatieBird said:


> But a good effort on the underlining imo


Pretty good but it could also have been in italics to be fair.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 10, 2015)

Caps for replace it.


Plus the use of pathetic is wrong.


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 10, 2015)

No comic sans? What a disappointment.


----------



## BoatieBird (Feb 11, 2015)

Please keep us updated on #coffeegate marty21


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Feb 11, 2015)

equationgirl said:


> No comic sans? What a disappointment.



and no quote marks for emphasis...


----------



## Treacle Toes (Feb 16, 2015)

Came in this morning after the weekend and I am being bullied for being tidy! 

Sod them and their messy desks they are drowning in a sea of paper, mouldy coofee mugs and food stains. RANK!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 19, 2015)

Rutita1 said:


> View attachment 67780
> Came in this morning after the weekend and I am being bullied for being tidy!
> 
> Sod them and their messy desks they are drowning in a sea of paper, mouldy coofee mugs and food stains. RANK!




A messy desk is the sign of a messy mind. What does an empty desk represent? 


Swot


----------



## Cloo (Mar 5, 2015)

Someone has decided to police everyone's biscuit consumption:







Someone else dissents on the other side:


----------



## el-ahrairah (Mar 5, 2015)

that would really fuck me off and i never eat the office biscuits.  someone needs to deal with calories.  bring in a plate of biscuits that have been smeared in butter and topped with brown sugar, glace cherries, and hundreds and thousands.  eat three.  see who flinches.


----------



## Treacle Toes (Mar 5, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> A messy desk is the sign of a messy mind. What does an empty desk represent?
> 
> 
> Swot



It represents my work is over for that day! Follow-ups and appointments logged in my diary, notes from the day filed, mugs and plates washed up. Ready to start work again another day.  

Bahnhof Strasse


----------



## Treacle Toes (Mar 5, 2015)

Cloo said:


> Someone has decided to police everyone's biscuit consumption:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



WTAF?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 5, 2015)

Rutita1 said:


> It represents my work is over for that day! Follow-ups and appointments logged in my diary, notes from the day filed, mugs and plates washed up. Ready to start work again another day.
> 
> Bahnhof Strasse



Clearly not enough work for you to do...your boss should give you more


----------



## Cloo (Mar 5, 2015)

Rutita1 said:


> WTAF?


I _think_ it's taking the piss, but I couldn't guarantee that!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 5, 2015)

Of course biscuits fill you up, I ate a packet of chocolate digestives today and felt well stuffed.


----------



## Treacle Toes (Mar 5, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Clearly not enough work for you to do...your boss should give you more



I am just efficient mate, get over it!  My boss is very pleased!


----------



## poului (Mar 6, 2015)

The wording...



> Hi guys,
> 
> Apologies for the mass email - please ignore if you are not based in Exchange Plaza
> 
> ...


----------



## Zimri (Apr 14, 2015)

I don't know if this deserves a name, Lunchboxgate or something? It started off scalding but we've moved into sarcastic now, does that still count?

Anyway, this has been sent to everyone across the project... Every single email is replying to the first one in the list, i'm blaming the emergence of the sun



			
				FIRST MY ROLLS AND NOW MY GRAPES!!!!! said:
			
		

> TO WHOM EVER IS TAKING MY FOOD FROM THE FRIDGE ON ##### @ ######, EITHER STOP IT OR REPLACE IT!!!






			
				Reply #1 said:
			
		

> I’m sorry for your loss, but please don’t include me again in a useless round robin email.
> 
> Regards






			
				REPLY #2 said:
			
		

> You should be very sad…….






			
				REPLY #3 said:
			
		

> I understand your feelings …. Someone has stolen my strawberry jam from the fridge once … such a loss …






			
				REPLY #4 said:
			
		

> It’s you ##### ain’t it? Too tight for Budgens….






			
				REPLY #5 said:
			
		

> Someone drank my bottle of hot sauce last week






			
				REPLY #6 said:
			
		

> And don’t get me started on the folks that attack my butter (leaving dreaded crumbs in their wake)…






			
				REPLY #7 said:
			
		

> My soup has been pilfered too………..distressing!! I won’t leave any crumbs in the butter anymore






			
				REPLY #8 said:
			
		

> There must be some sort of mistake. I thought it was a communal fridge.






			
				REPLY #9 said:
			
		

> There my crumbs, I would like them back please






			
				REPLY #10 said:
			
		

> Just out of interest what type of grapes were they?






			
				REPLY #11 said:
			
		

> I think it best I don’t keep my dentures in the fridge anymore






			
				REPLY #12 said:
			
		

> Sour ones






			
				REPLY #13 (Including a picture) said:
			
		

> #### says “Nom-nom”






			
				REPLY #14 said:
			
		

> I will get your food back if you speak with BIG chief for me for big wage rise.
> 
> Ravenous #####






			
				REPLY #15 said:
			
		

> All this talk of food I am getting hungry now – must have a look around the fridges – there is always some spare food !!!!






			
				REPLY 16 said:
			
		

> ####, Just checked the fridge and there are some rolls and grapes going spare






			
				REPLY #17 said:
			
		

> What again – the last lot I heard were not too good






			
				REPLY #18 said:
			
		

> Can we all stop this global email please.






			
				REPLY #19 - PROJECT DIRECTOR said:
			
		

> All – fun time is now over – please stop the responses immediately…






			
				REPLY #20 said:
			
		

> I’m very sorry , I’ll make sure I replace the rolls and grapes and promise not to take them again
> 
> xx


----------



## Mumbles274 (Apr 14, 2015)

Awesome


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Apr 14, 2015)

I'm nicking this:

There must be some sort of mistake. I thought it was a communal fridge.


----------



## Zimri (Apr 14, 2015)

Fun time was nerfed by the project director in reply #19


----------



## Geri (May 7, 2015)

Got this e-mail from a colleague who has been ignoring me and my two other colleagues for three weeks.



> I heard you talking about me just now. I'm waiting to see how long it takes to come up here to say hello. I seem to be the only one who makes any effort (mornings, lunch times and post times, etc.) and have done for years and it all feels very one-sided - unless I come into your office, I'm ignored - so far its been about 3 weeks!
> Mary is the only one who's made the effort to open my door and speak to me so far (thanks Mary) - who'll be next I wonder?


----------



## extra dry (May 8, 2015)

Geri said:


> Got this e-mail from a colleague who has been ignoring me and my two other colleagues for three weeks.



Must have a lot of things to get off their chest


----------



## Barking_Mad (May 11, 2015)

Geri said:


> Got this e-mail from a colleague who has been ignoring me and my two other colleagues for three weeks.



Passive agrressive. Nice...


----------



## dervish (May 13, 2015)

> Hello all,
> 
> 
> It’s been five months since the Activation Team brought a tobacco display unit upstairs into the office and merchandised it with doors ready for the display ban. So far we’ve received fantastic feedback from you all on how useful it is to have a real unit in the office with current products available to see and touch.
> ...



In other words, please stop nicking the fags from the unlocked display.


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 24, 2015)




----------



## Jon-of-arc (Jun 26, 2015)

Had cause to send this out yesterday.  Not sure if I have clarified the issue or muddied it, but thought it worth adding to the archive.


----------



## rubbershoes (Jun 29, 2015)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 73137



Not really scolding , is it


----------



## twentythreedom (Jun 29, 2015)

Needs more passive aggression tbh


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 29, 2015)

twentythreedom said:


> Needs more passive aggression tbh


will try harder


----------



## twentythreedom (Jun 29, 2015)

That's the spirit


----------



## Orang Utan (Jul 2, 2015)

So close to writing a scolding email about putting the milk back in the fridge. Must resist.


----------



## Pickman's model (Jul 2, 2015)




----------



## electroplated (Jul 2, 2015)

love it!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 2, 2015)

I trust you have arranged for a course on "To, Too and Two" for this scumbag, Pickman's model


----------



## Mumbles274 (Jul 8, 2015)

Was forward this 

Dear colleagues, 

It is with great regret and a good deal of shock that I am having to write to you about the behaviour of one of our fellow members of staff. 

Yesterday the Facilities team had to inform us that one of the cubicles in the men's toilets on floor 3 had to be closed off. It was closed because someone had 'drawn' a smiley face on the wall in excrement. I'm sure that 99.9% of you are as shocked to read this as I am to have to write about it. Clearly this kind of behaviour is absolutely abhorrent and disgusting. 

Goodness only knows what the person was thinking when they did it but it is a shameful act and one that understandably has caused much distress. It is inconceivable to almost all of us that someone would do such a thing but the reality is that one of our colleagues was responsible. 

This kind of behaviour is clearly utterly unacceptable so we are appealing  to  anyone who knows who was responsible to step forward and let one of the management team know. You will be dealt with in absolute confidence and we would greatly appreciate your help in trying to identify the individual who committed this terrible and juvenile act.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 8, 2015)

It's all bluster, they'll never catch you Mumbles274


----------



## Fingers (Jul 8, 2015)

Mumbles274 said:


> Was forward this
> 
> Dear colleagues,
> 
> ...



Sounds like a legit dirty protest to me so fair play to the fella and shame on anyone who grasses on the shite artist.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 8, 2015)

Must be filthy season or something, this has just arrived:



> Just to reiterate the conversation I have had with the Ladies of the office and for those that are working from home but come in to the office.
> 
> 
> I had several complaints this morning about the disgusting state the toilets were left in yesterday. You must clean up after yourself – all the equipment is in each cubical to clean up, bleach and toilet brush. There is no valid reason for the toilet to be left in this state for someone else to find and clean.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 8, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Must be filthy season or something, this has just arrived:



Maybe Mumbles274 has visited your office too?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 8, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Maybe Mumbles274 has visited your office too?




Wasn't in yesterday, but will look for signs of schlong-damage...


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jul 8, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Must be filthy season or something, this has just arrived:



Abby confessed that she spewed in the bogs yesterday


----------



## equationgirl (Jul 8, 2015)

5t3IIa said:


> Abby confessed that she spewed in the bogs yesterday


Full on exorcist style?


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jul 8, 2015)

equationgirl said:


> Full on exorcist style?


She _swears_ not


----------



## Sea Star (Jul 8, 2015)

this is the most recent we've had.


> …… can you please be careful getting your lunch out of the microwave as today dinner has been spilt all over our lovely viewpoint poster and the wall.  We have tried to clean it off but alas the poster still has stains over it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It's true though, the viewpoint poster is lovely


----------



## DotCommunist (Jul 8, 2015)

Mumbles274 said:


> Was forward this
> 
> Dear colleagues,
> 
> ...


no one likes a shit artist but the person who wrote that is two paragraphs way from comparing it to the holocaust


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 8, 2015)

AuntiStella said:


> this is the most recent we've had.
> 
> 
> It's true though, the viewpoint poster is lovely



Now it probably tastes good too


----------



## Schmetterling (Jul 11, 2015)

DotCommunist said:


> no one likes a shit artist but the person who wrote that is two paragraphs way from comparing it to the holocaust



Worse than Hitler?


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jul 11, 2015)

Schmetterling said:


> Worse than Hitler?



shitler


----------



## kabbes (Jul 14, 2015)

Mumbles274 said:


> Was forward this
> 
> Dear colleagues,
> 
> ...


Not 99.9% unless there are more than 1000 employees, of course.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 14, 2015)

kabbes said:


> Not 99.9% unless there are more than 1000 employees, of course.


Don't worry, we all know it was Mumbles274.


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Jul 14, 2015)

"Drawn"

Is the suggestion that the miscreant had somehow cheated, perhaps using a stencil?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 14, 2015)

Maurice Picarda said:


> "Drawn"
> 
> Is the suggestion that the miscreant had somehow cheated, perhaps using a stencil?


Obviously a shit stencil if that was the case.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Jul 23, 2015)

Heh, pointed this out to her the other day, I've started something



> From: [reception person]
> *Sent:* 23 July 2015 10:15
> *To:* Ground Floor
> *Subject:* Fridges
> ...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 23, 2015)

Turning the temperature DOWN, surely?


----------



## Artaxerxes (Jul 23, 2015)

The dial goes 1-7 so easy mistake to make


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 23, 2015)

Artaxerxes said:


> The dial goes 1-7 so easy mistake to make



One to minus seven?


----------



## marty21 (Jul 23, 2015)

Mumbles274 said:


> Was forward this
> 
> Dear colleagues,
> 
> ...


cheesus, everyone's a critic - some might call it art, others a terrible and juvenile act 

Presumably someone did check it/smell it - could have been nutella for the lols


----------



## Artaxerxes (Jul 30, 2015)

> Good afternoon all,
> 
> 
> I understand that it is convenient for everyone to do your online shopping and get it delivered at work.
> ...



Diddums...


----------



## trabuquera (Jul 30, 2015)

the overall point is valid - generally better-paid employees shouldn't be using receptionists as personal valets.

HOWEVER I would be sorely tempted to write back saying "it doesn't look professional to external guests or anyone else when employees can't tell the difference between the words IS and ARE."


----------



## Artaxerxes (Jul 30, 2015)

Its a perennial issue, the receptionists just sign for the packages then put em at the desk, no valeting involved, at the same time if your working 9-5 theres rarely a good time to send a parcel to your house and so the cycle continues forever.

Though there are some complete muppets who keep getting stuff sent here without names on the parcels


----------



## Voley (Jul 31, 2015)

I forget who it was but someone on here got a fucking mixdesk or something sent to his wife's work.  With hilarious consequences.


----------



## Voley (Jul 31, 2015)

ringo possibly?


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 1, 2015)

Our postie told me about the time some idiot at work got a washing machine delivered to him. Didn't end well


----------



## StoneRoad (Aug 1, 2015)

It always "amuses" me when a place of work says staff can't have parcels delivered and then the boss(es) do exactly that. Personally, I can't see a problem - one of the places I worked at actually had a "desk cupboard" set aside for the purpose as part of reception, especially as the company and not just the staff had a lot of post/parcels almost everyday. We do accept them for our staff (and some of the neighbouring units as well) ... much more harmonious and useful as it is reciprocated.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 1, 2015)

StoneRoad said:


> It always "amuses" me when a place of work says staff can't have parcels delivered and then the boss(es) do exactly that. Personally, I can't see a problem - one of the places I worked at actually had a "desk cupboard" set aside for the purpose as part of reception, especially as the company and not just the staff had a lot of post/parcels almost everyday. We do accept them for our staff (and some of the neighbouring units as well) ... much more harmonious and useful as it is reciprocated.



I had a box of a dozen bottles of wine delivered to work once - no-one was bothered, although it was a bit stupid on my part of the box was really heavy to have to cart home.


----------



## ringo (Aug 2, 2015)

Voley said:


> ringo possibly?


Not me but a bloke at my place accidentally had his new king size bed delivered to work ☺


----------



## Roadkill (Aug 4, 2015)

I'm not about to send around a scolding email but I might make discreet enquiries about why, when I went in one of the stationery drawers this morning looking for a spare USB stick, I found an empty condom wrapper.


----------



## Mogden (Aug 4, 2015)

Roadkill said:


> I'm not about to send around a scolding email but I might make discreet enquiries about why, when I went in one of the stationery drawers this morning looking for a spare USB stick, I found an empty condom wrapper.


Someone clearly has the wrong idea about keeping viruses off memory sticks


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 4, 2015)

Mogden said:


> Someone clearly has the wrong idea about keeping viruses off memory sticks


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 4, 2015)

Roadkill said:


> I'm not about to send around a scolding email but I might make discreet enquiries about why, when I went in one of the stationery drawers this morning looking for a spare USB stick, I found an empty condom wrapper.




Jeepers, that's why email was invented ffs! A company wide mail needs to be sent as soon as possible. Don't be a slacker!


----------



## StoneRoad (Aug 4, 2015)

Roadkill said:


> I'm not about to send around a scolding email but I might make discreet enquiries about why, when I went in one of the stationery drawers this morning looking for a spare USB stick, I found an empty condom wrapper.



maybe worse would be finding the used contents ... hth


----------



## Roadkill (Aug 4, 2015)

StoneRoad said:


> maybe worse would be finding the used contents ... hth



Well, yes.  That's kind of what I was afraid of, especially as this isn't a large building and only about a dozen people have keys and alarm codes and can therefore get in here outside normal working hours.  Frankly I don't really want to think about any of them shagging in my office!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 4, 2015)

Roadkill said:


> Well, yes.  That's kind of what I was afraid of, especially as this isn't a large building and only about a dozen people have keys and alarm codes and can therefore get in here outside normal working hours.  Frankly I don't really want to think about any of them shagging in my office!




In your email add that you think you can see an arse print and you're thinking of getting it forensically dusted!


----------



## Roadkill (Aug 4, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> In your email add that you think you can see an arse print and you're thinking of getting it forensically dusted!



*loses lunch*


----------



## extra dry (Aug 4, 2015)

Or there are, on one of the chairs, 'sweaty stains'


----------



## Roadkill (Aug 4, 2015)

What I can't fathom out is why anyone would put an empty condom wrapper in the stationery cupboard.  I mean, you're all hot under the collar and about to get down to it in someone else's office, so you get naked, get a condom on, and ... open a drawer, put the wrapper in, close the drawer, and only then do you get on with the business in hand.  I could understand if the cleaner had found it in a bin or carelessly kicked under a radiator, but nestling in a drawer between the sticky tape and the paperclips doesn't make much sense, does it?


----------



## Santino (Aug 4, 2015)

Roadkill said:


> What I can't fathom out is why anyone would put an empty condom wrapper into a drawer and close it.  I mean, you're all hot under the collar and about to get down to it in someone else's office, so you get naked, get a condom on, and ... open a drawer, put the wrapper in, close the drawer, and only then do you get on with the business in hand.  I could understand if the cleaner had found it in a bin or carelessly kicked under a radiator, but nestling in a drawer between the sticky tape and the paperclips doesn't make much sense, does it?


It's a Sicilian message. It means 'this empty condom wrapper indicates that you will no longer need condoms, because you will be castrated' and the significance of the stationery drawer is that the offence for which you will be punished was documenting some activities which should have remained purely a matter of words spoken among Men of Honour.


----------



## trabuquera (Aug 4, 2015)

*coughs delicately*
the guilty parties may have attempted congress with one party's feet in a drawer. I understand this approach is popular with some young people.

(but I'd be checking the photocopier and the wastepaper bin for further evidence of this daredevil pair's exploits)


----------



## Roadkill (Aug 4, 2015)

Santino said:


> It's a Sicilian message. It means 'this empty condom wrapper indicates that you will no longer need condoms, because you will be castrated' and the significance of the stationery drawer is that the offence for which you will be punished was documenting some activities which should have remained purely a matter of words spoken among Men of Honour.



Either that or they were going to make use of the bulldog clips and gaffer tape.  



trabuquera said:


> *coughs delicately*
> the guilty parties may have attempted congress with one party's feet in a drawer. I understand this approach is popular with some young people.



Given that said drawer is four feet off the ground they'd need to be some kind of contortionist.  I don't know what the average age of people who work in this building is, but at 36 I'm one of the younger ones, and I doubt many of my colleagues would have the flexibility!


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 13, 2015)




----------



## kabbes (Aug 18, 2015)

I was _delighted_ with the phrasing of this email that arrived on our village mailing list this morning:



> Would anyone like a desk (4 x 2 x 2.5) to pick-up from [redacted] Cottage, ideal for studying children.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 21, 2015)

kabbes said:


> I was _delighted_ with the phrasing of this email that arrived on our village mailing list this morning:




Tells you everything you need to know about your weird little hill-top community


----------



## extra dry (Aug 21, 2015)

Hill top? I get a strong image of isolated valley with only one road in.


----------



## kabbes (Aug 22, 2015)

extra dry said:


> Hill top? I get a strong image of isolated valley with only one road in.


No he knows my village and it is a hilltop.  

But there is only one road in.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Aug 24, 2015)

I do love seeing what strange things people order.




> *Subject:* Unnamed Parcel
> 
> 
> Hi All
> ...


----------



## heinous seamus (Aug 26, 2015)

Not quite a scolding email, but I am enjoying this exchange today:



> Dear all,
> 
> Some of you may be aware of the photography being commissioned for the new Website homepage.
> 
> ...



Obviously realising he'd put his foot in it with the 'young-looking' comment, he attempted to backtrack:



> To clarify, the models are to stand-in-for and look-like students in photos.
> 
> We're aren't short of staff to act as staff!
> 
> ...



Someone then replied telling him to stop digging, and then someone else came back with this:


> Your clarification still stereotypes students as being young - the university accepts students of all ages. Having promotional material that only includes images of young students helps perpetuate the sense, that many people still have, that university is only for young adults.



Oh, as I type another one has just come in:



> Stop the ageism!



Nice work, Martin


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 26, 2015)

Martin's legend


----------



## heinous seamus (Aug 27, 2015)

Another reply this morning. I bet Martin thought he'd rode through the storm 



> Dear Martin
> 
> I frequently tut and scowl at e-mails I receive but rarely do I have to re-read them in open-mouthed astonishment.
> 
> ...



This entire sentence made me lol 



> I frequently tut and scowl at e-mails I receive but rarely do I have to re-read them in open-mouthed astonishment.


----------



## Teaboy (Aug 27, 2015)

I hope that conversation is being conducted by "reply all", which is the only way to conduct an office based passive aggressive argument.


----------



## heinous seamus (Aug 27, 2015)

Of course!



> Well said xxxxxx - I am sure that everyone will agree with your sentiments!
> 
> xxxx





> Hear Hear xxxxxx and thanks for writing what I was thinking.





> Actually, I'm sure a lot of the silent majority on this list don't really care one way or the other.
> 
> Now please can we stop this as I'm sick fed up of receiving emails about a simple request for photography models.





> Hi xxxxxx,
> 
> Hear, Hear!
> 
> ...


----------



## heinous seamus (Aug 27, 2015)

There's been a few more replies but now the head of hr is in on the act  :



> All,
> 
> I would ask now there are no more "all staff" emails sent on the subject.
> 
> ...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 27, 2015)

Boo!!! to Head of HR


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Aug 27, 2015)




----------



## Schmetterling (Aug 27, 2015)

heinous seamus said:


> There's been a few more replies but now the head of hr is in on the act  :



U-oh!  HR has just broken staff confidentiality by revealing that the original sender will be dealt with, no?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 27, 2015)

Schmetterling said:


> U-oh!  HR has just broken staff confidentiality by revealing that the original sender will be dealt with, no?


Looks like it - bad head of HR. 

Poor hapless Martin is clearly going to be placed in the stocks in the staff room while the oldies give him a good kicking.


----------



## Fingers (Aug 27, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Boo!!! to Head of HR



Martin is balls deep in shit here but he may get off one the aforementioned technicality.


----------



## nogojones (Aug 28, 2015)

heinous seamus said:


> There's been a few more replies but now the head of hr is in on the act  :


 training issue


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 2, 2015)

> Ladies,
> 
> I am so ashamed to have to send this email out to you all, but we have been informed by a supplier that they went to the toilets and found a pair of ladies underwear with a sanitary towel stuck in the sanitary bin….
> 
> ...


----------



## Voley (Sep 2, 2015)

_If this continues the toilets will have to be locked, and you will have to ask for the key to use them and they will be inspected when you finish._

__


----------



## colacubes (Sep 2, 2015)

You might want to give it 10 minutes before you inspect


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 2, 2015)

Two things; 

1: We have a unisex bog just outside the office (see page 95 of this thread for clarification).

2: informed by a supplier that they went to the toilets - WTAF? Who in their right mind would do that?


----------



## heinous seamus (Sep 3, 2015)

The CIO has this came out swinging in defence of the disgraced Martin!



> All, Following the recent spate of emails last week entitled "Website photography - models needed" it is important that I draw your attention to the following;
> 
> After talking to Martin it is clear that there was never any intention in Martin's email to cause any offence whatsoever and they have been taken out of context with regard to the aim of the request. The aim was to "cast for a specific role", in this case for models needed for a website, in which case the it is permissible in law to determine what age profile or other characteristics one is attempting to attract. To be clear, no one needs to be sent on any training courses.
> 
> However I was concerned about the way some members of staff chose to address their apparent dissatisfaction via email by using "reply to all".  As a reminder, there are a number of routes one should take if an individual feels aggrieved about an issue, email, policy or the actions/comments of another staff member. These routes include; reporting the incident to HR, speaking with your Line Manager, speaking directly to the individual who sent the communication to seek clarity or having a chat with your union representative. What should be made clear at this point is the use of "reply to all" emails is not acceptable in this case.



One bold hero is refusing to lie down though:



> As a lowly shelver who isn't as dependent on their income from their job as probably most of my colleagues, and who has no career ambition within the university, I'm perhaps in a better position to challenge your below email, and to disregard your instruction not to 'reply all'.
> 
> Your email is actually more disturbing than Martin's, given your position as Chief Information Officer to the University.
> 
> ...





> Dear colleagues,
> 
> In light of the recent email from xxxx and this additional comment, I want to let you know that I will be discussing this issue further within my own team.
> 
> Please do not send any further emails related to this issue to this public list. If anybody wishes to discuss this further with me, I am available to speak to them.



I like how they keep using the 'reply all' feature to ask us not to use the 'reply all' feature


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 3, 2015)

Awesome: 





> I hope that any member of staff who can't see this obvious ageism is required to attend an appropriate course.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 3, 2015)

5t3IIa said:


>



The appropriate response to the sender would be to tell her not to get her knickers in a twist.  Reply to all, obviously.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 3, 2015)

heinous seamus said:


> One bold hero is refusing to lie down though:



She is right though - and good on her for pushing back on this (helps that she's not as dependant on the job for income of course...).  I wonder what will be the next installment.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 3, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> The appropriate response to the sender would be to tell her not to get her knickers in a twist.  Reply to all, obviously.




Blokes weren't copied in on this gem of a mail. I thought sexism like this died out in the 70's etc...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 7, 2015)

Sent at 1030 this morning.



> Hi All,
> 
> 
> I have just been in the photocopier room to find the shredder full, which I have emptied. If it is full and you do not know how to empty it please let someone know, so we can help you.
> ...



How long will the box of paper stay dumped by the shredder?


----------



## youbeauty (Sep 7, 2015)

A masterpiece of passive-aggression:
IMG_20150907_132440491.jpg


----------



## killer b (Sep 7, 2015)

pure poetry. the clip-art additions are on point too.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 7, 2015)

youbeauty said:


> A masterpiece of passive-aggression:
> IMG_20150907_132440491.jpg


"Appreciate" you "taking the time"


----------



## BoatieBird (Sep 8, 2015)

I've got one!
Haven't had a scolding email for ages 



> The accessible toilet located on the ground floor  has recently been blocked once again.
> Despite being blocked someone continued to defecate in it.
> If anyone thinks they know who might have done this could they let me know and I will help the person understand how to use this sort of facility correctly.


----------



## purenarcotic (Sep 8, 2015)

Oh man these are just brilliant


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 8, 2015)

BoatieBird said:


> I've got one!
> Haven't had a scolding email for ages


Fantastic. Scolding Emails are much better with proper verbs in. Someone didn't just continue to _use_ it, they continued to do the thing that brooks no misunderstanding. 

Who was it, BoatieBird? You must have you suspicions?


----------



## BoatieBird (Sep 8, 2015)

I'm in a different building, but I do know some of the people over there.
I might have a wander through later to see if anyone looks suspicious


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 8, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Sent at 1030 this morning.
> 
> 
> 
> How long will the box of paper stay dumped by the shredder?



Box was still there in the late afternoon  I'm not back until tomorrow so will keep everyone updated


----------



## purenarcotic (Sep 8, 2015)

#boxgate


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 8, 2015)

purenarcotic said:


> #boxgate


#defecategate


----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 8, 2015)

big pile of loo roll with turds sticking out of it like bangers and mash?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 8, 2015)

BoatieBird said:


> I've got one!
> Haven't had a scolding email for ages






> If anyone thinks they know who might have done



Needs a reply to all, I think it _might_ have been X...


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 8, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Needs a reply to all, I think it _might_ have been X...


"I did see Y drinking strong black coffee yesterday morning..."


----------



## 8den (Sep 8, 2015)

BoatieBird said:


> I've got one!
> Haven't had a scolding email for ages



I'll show them how to use a toilet? 

Shippy has that manga


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 24, 2015)




----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 24, 2015)




----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 24, 2015)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 77116


Oh, these aren't from your office? I withdraw my 'like'.


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 24, 2015)

5t3IIa said:


> Oh, these aren't from your office?


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 24, 2015)

Pickman's model said:


>


Are they?


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 24, 2015)

5t3IIa said:


> Are they?


what we have at work is an email list to which all members of staff are subscribed so you don't have to fuss about including x or excluding y.


----------



## The Boy (Sep 24, 2015)

5t3IIa said:


> #defecategate


#defegate , Shirley?


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 24, 2015)

The Boy said:


> #defegate , Shirley?


I was available for an argument 21 days ago.


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 24, 2015)

5t3IIa said:


> I was available for an argument 21 days ago.


yeh your appointments go quickly


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 25, 2015)

5t3IIa said:


> Oh, these aren't from your office? I withdraw my 'like'.


they are from my work and i would be grateful if you could reinstate your like.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 25, 2015)

Pickman's model said:


> they are from my work and i would be grateful if you could reinstate your like.


----------



## Fingers (Sep 25, 2015)

Pickman's model said:


> they are from my work and i would be grateful if you could reinstate your like.



I have given you a like to make up for the one you lost mate


----------



## Schmetterling (Sep 25, 2015)

5t3IIa said:


> View attachment 77167



Moreover, where are you flying to?


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 25, 2015)

Schmetterling said:


> Moreover, where are you flying to?


As far away as possible


----------



## kabbes (Sep 25, 2015)

This is a doozy:
*****

Dear Colleagues, 

Further to the previous communications that have been issued on this topic, unfortunately I must write to you all again.  As part of the ongoing deep clean of individual floors of the building, it has been brought to my attention that employees are continuing to disregard the food storage guidelines.  These are just some examples:
 
By continuing to provide the mice with food sources, the individuals responsible are placing themselves and other colleagues at risk.  Having mice pop out of drawers and cupboards is not only disturbing, and a health hazard if anyone unknowingly eats something that has been touched by mice, but also a reputational risk.  It’s also disappointing, as it shows a lack of respect for our workplace with no desire to keep it as a hygienic place to work.

If employees continue to disregard our requests and follow our guidance we will have to take more serious measures.  *PLEASE*, follow the food storage guidelines that we have already issued:

*Food storage guidelines*

The fundamental starting point of ANY pest control regime is to cut off the pest’s food supply.  Please follow these guidance notes in respect of food eaten or stored at your desk:


Clear away food spillage & debris promptly - don't allow waste to accumulate


Put food waste in large tea point bins in the kitchens, NOT waste paper bins at desks


Keep food in sealed Tupperware-type containers even when in your drawer units


Store food in sealed containers above floor level and away from walls


Any food left on and around desks not in a sealed container (including cakes and biscuits in communal areas) will be confiscated each night by the cleaners.  Therefore we encourage you to follow the guidance above.


Regular inspections of desk and drawers will be carried out going forward to ensure we are all adhering to these guidelines and taking responsibility for fellow colleagues’ wellbeing .  (Please remember that if you simply lock unprotected food in your pedestal unit, mice can still get into them from the back to find food!)


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 25, 2015)

Top marks to whoever keeps their cornflakes loose in the drawer


----------



## 5t3IIa (Sep 25, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Top marks to whoever keeps their cornflakes loose in the drawer


Fully qualified murinae wrangler


----------



## kabbes (Sep 25, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Top marks to whoever keeps their cornflakes loose in the drawer


I reckon the mice have already been in there and done that.

Confession time: about 6 months ago, I brought in some Weetabix.  For a few weeks, I kept it (in the box!) in my drawer.  Then I noticed mice had been in there.  I got rid of the Weetabix, end of story I thought.

Last week I did a tidy out of that drawer.  I removed the top few layers of files.  Uh-oh, there was lots of shredded paper and plastic bag underneath.  Then the shredded stuff started moving.  I had a mouse nest in my drawer.

Building maintenance were called and we had a class-divide moment where the effete office clerks were wondering what would happen to the precious baby mice and then the hard-nosed building maintenance man picked up the nearest blunt object (an iPad box) and just started bludgeoning them there and then.

So, yes.  Mice.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 25, 2015)

Ahhh, bring your mouse to work day.


----------



## krtek a houby (Sep 25, 2015)




----------



## extra dry (Sep 27, 2015)

Well if you have mice now you will be guarenteed to have rats later.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 27, 2015)

I've worked in offices with insect problems but never rats or mice. What sort of filthy midden do some of you work in?


----------



## joustmaster (Sep 27, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I've worked in offices with insect problems but never rats or mice. What sort of filthy midden do some of you work in?


All the offices i've worked in have had poison traps in each room.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 27, 2015)

joustmaster said:


> All the offices i've worked in have had poison traps in each room.


Yeah, same here. kabbes' workplace must be a right shit tip. Although to be fair it sounds like the infestation is entirely his fault.


----------



## kabbes (Sep 27, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Yeah, same here. kabbes' workplace must be a right shit tip. Although to be fair it sounds like the infestation is entirely his fault.


It's honestly no worse than any other office I have worked in.  Once mice gain a footing though, they just multiply.  They're a nightmare to get rid of.


----------



## tim (Sep 27, 2015)

kabbes said:


> Last week I did a tidy out of that drawer.  I removed the top few layers of files.  Uh-oh, there was lots of shredded paper and plastic bag underneath.  Then the shredded stuff started moving.  I had a mouse nest in my drawer.
> 
> Building maintenance were called and we had a class-divide moment where the effete office clerks were wondering what would happen to the precious baby mice and then the hard-nosed building maintenance man picked up the nearest blunt object (an iPad box) and just started bludgeoning them there and then.
> 
> So, yes.  Mice.



All we ever get to pop at work is bubble wrap!


----------



## emanymton (Sep 28, 2015)

kabbes said:


> It's honestly no worse than any other office I have worked in.  Once mice gain a footing though, they just multiply.  They're a nightmare to get rid of.


I think the key point here, is other offices _you _have worked in.


----------



## StoneRoad (Sep 28, 2015)

From experience of working in a real ***thole more than *a few* years ago - the only thing mice/rats don't chew into is glass jars with proper tops (not plastic or thin metal) and thin "tin" boxes only deter for a while. "Tupperware" is no problem to rodent teeth. And the little *****ers can climb anything, if they want to (smooth glass excluded). I left after a few weeks !


----------



## Mumbles274 (Oct 5, 2015)

I have just made this sign for the work microwave. I feel this thread has helped me with it no end


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 5, 2015)

We need to see a picture of the state of the inside before we can properly judge your actions Mumbles274


----------



## marty21 (Oct 5, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Top marks to whoever keeps their cornflakes loose in the drawer


 and spoons - they just pour the milk into the drawer, saves a lot of time and washing up


----------



## Mumbles274 (Oct 5, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> We need to see a picture of the state of the inside before we can properly judge your actions Mumbles274


It is now taped up.. If I see someone attempt to get in I will take a photo. To describe the scene.. It Looks like  a cup of gravy has been poured in it :/


----------



## marty21 (Oct 5, 2015)

Mumbles274 said:


> I have just made this sign for the work microwave. I feel this thread has helped me with it no end


 is there no one in your office who can work out how to remove the notice?


----------



## Mumbles274 (Oct 5, 2015)

marty21 said:


> is there no one in your office who can work out how to remove the notice?


Doubtful.. And if they do they have the shame of cooking in a dirty microwave


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 5, 2015)

Mumbles274 said:


> It is now taped up.. If I see someone attempt to get in I will take a photo. To describe the scene.. It Looks like  a cup of gravy has been poured in it :/




_Looks_ like gravy 

Has someone shat in your microwave?


----------



## The Boy (Oct 5, 2015)

Mumbles274 said:


> It is now taped up.. If I see someone attempt to get in I will take a photo. To describe the scene.. It Looks like  a cup of gravy has been poured in it :/



Or shit.


----------



## marty21 (Oct 5, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> _Looks_ like gravy
> 
> Has someone shat in your microwave?


 quite possible if it is a firm of professional acrobats and contortionists


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 5, 2015)

marty21 said:


> quite possible if it is a firm of professional acrobats and contortionists




Just take the plate out of the microwave and in to the bog with you. No contortions needed.


----------



## marty21 (Oct 5, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Just take the plate out of the microwave and in to the bog with you. No contortions needed.


 have you done this before?


----------



## marty21 (Oct 5, 2015)

I haven't see any scolding emails since i started working in our brand new building -


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 5, 2015)

nice use of a smiley face that actually means 'fuck you buddeh' lol


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 5, 2015)

marty21 said:


> have you done this before?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 5, 2015)

marty21 said:


> I haven't see any scolding emails since i started working in our brand new building -




Try leaving a log in the microwave.


----------



## quimcunx (Oct 5, 2015)

marty21 said:


> I haven't see any scolding emails since i started working in our brand new building -



someone has to be the catalyst, marty.  Dirty protest in the men's blogs?  Steal all the teaspoons? fill a drawer with cornflakes?


----------



## marty21 (Oct 5, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Try leaving a log in the microwave.


That could work


----------



## marty21 (Oct 5, 2015)

quimcunx said:


> someone has to be the catalyst, marty.  Dirty protest in the men's blogs?  Steal all the teaspoons? fill a drawer with cornflakes?


I have a duty to do this , we have no drawers though


----------



## May Kasahara (Oct 6, 2015)

Campaign for drawers to be installed throughout. Then fill one with cornflakes.


----------



## marty21 (Oct 6, 2015)

May Kasahara said:


> Campaign for drawers to be installed throughout. Then fill one with cornflakes.


 Here's a campaign we can all get behind!


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 22, 2015)




----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 22, 2015)

I like the military approach to biscuits. NEVER run out of jaffa cakes and party rings


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Nov 22, 2015)

DotCommunist said:


> I like the military approach to biscuits. NEVER run out of jaffa cakes and party rings


 


would running out of jaffa cakes warrant a court martial?


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 22, 2015)

Puddy_Tat said:


> would running out of jaffa cakes warrant a court martial?


l think it would.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 24, 2015)

kabbes said:


> This is a doozy:
> *****
> 
> Dear Colleagues,
> ...


Update: they have now taken away all our desk-side bins.  Every time I have a bogey I need to flick, I have to go to one of the communal receptacles placed for our convenience in the kitchen and at the floor exits.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 25, 2015)

Update on the bin front: they have put in bins for paper, mixed recycling, food waste and general waste.  I approve of this -- the amount of waste that was previously just being chucked must have been vast.

But I am staggered how shit people are at actually managing to throw things into the right bin.  Yesterday, I opened the food waste bin at the end of the day and it was full of paper cups, pret a manger packaging, stirring sticks and other food-related but not-actually-food detritus.  Basically, the whole thing is contaminated from a composting perspective.  Useless.


----------



## paolo (Nov 25, 2015)

kabbes said:


> Update on the bin front: they have put in bins for paper, mixed recycling, food waste and general waste.  I approve of this -- the amount of waste that was previously just being chucked must have been vast.
> 
> But I am staggered how shit people are at actually managing to throw things into the right bin.  Yesterday, I opened the food waste bin at the end of the day and it was full of paper cups, pret a manger packaging, stirring sticks and other food-related but not-actually-food detritus.  Basically, the whole thing is contaminated from a composting perspective.  Useless.



Did the bin contain any of your "pets" mickey, minnie etc 

No?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THEM?


----------



## kabbes (Nov 25, 2015)

paolo said:


> Did the bin contain any of your "pets" mickey, minnie etc
> 
> No?
> 
> WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THEM?


Squished.  All squished 

Oh little fluffy mice, how little we knew thee.

I think the only answer is to reclaim the upper hand by treating my desk drawer as my new desk-side bin.


----------



## izz (Nov 25, 2015)

kabbes - your could have your own bogeybin. It could be green.


----------



## paolo (Nov 25, 2015)

When I started doing freelance years ago I worked in an office based in a converted factory in Bedford. There were a few different tenants - businesses needing office space on the cheap, local government outposts etc. Amongst the delights was a smoking area where I'd get to squeeze in with people who'd start conversations with the words "I'm not racist, but..."

The building was dire. Looked vaguely high tech from the outside - it used to house Texas Instruments - but inside was a shabby unloved 80s mess.

It was the toilets that really did it.

Inside the cubicles there were invitations for - shall we say - extra-curricular activities, complete with mobile phone numbers. These were all neatly written inbetween the smears of bogeys - the number of which forever grew, in the three months I worked there.

I'm not going back to Bedford. And really, nobody else should either.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 25, 2015)

izz said:


> kabbes - your could have your own bogeybin. It could be green.


Yes, I like that.  And until it get's installed, my neighbour's desk seems like a reasonable temporary receptacle.  For my convenience.


----------



## paolo (Nov 25, 2015)

kabbes said:


> Yes, I like that.  And until it get's installed, my neighbour's desk seems like a reasonable temporary receptacle.  For my convenience.



Have you ever worked in Bedford?


----------



## Artaxerxes (Nov 25, 2015)

> Good morning all,
> 
> 
> Some feedback from one of our senior partner regarding toilets.
> ...



Another day another issue with the shitter.

I'm 99% sure that the guys making our bogs an unsanitary hell hole are actually the guys coming in for training mid-week, who work in different offices around the place.


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 25, 2015)

.


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 25, 2015)

Artaxerxes said:


> Another day another issue with the shitter.
> 
> I'm 99% sure that the guys making our bogs an unsanitary hell hole are actually the guys coming in for training mid-week, who work in different offices around the place.


respect should be a universal human value, why's the scrote invoking Company values like some fucking drone


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 25, 2015)

DotCommunist said:


> respect should be a universal human value, why's the scrote invoking Company values like some fucking drone


you sound like you've escaped from hmp slade.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Nov 25, 2015)

DotCommunist said:


> respect should be a universal human value, why's the scrote invoking Company values like some fucking drone



You'd love our other 'Values'


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 26, 2015)

Good morning,


A portable heater dispatched to room 221 (my office) on Monday suddenly disappeared by Wednesday morning leaving my colleagues and yours truly in a very cold office and in a state of hypothermic stupor, currently there are around 17.5 degrees in my office.


It was suggested that I emailed around to ask the following:


Does anyone know the whereabouts of this heater?

and

if you have taken it,  could you please bring it back?


A portable heater at this time of year is precious commodity and I would be prepared to organise a ninja mission to get it back, but I’d rather not.


----------



## mauvais (Nov 26, 2015)

BBC NEWS | Health | Why more people die in the winter



			
				BBC said:
			
		

> *Less than 20C* - death risk begins


Nothing like an accusation of attempted murder to up the stakes a little.


----------



## emanymton (Nov 26, 2015)

17.5 degrees is the spot on temperature for me.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 26, 2015)

emanymton said:


> 17.5 degrees is the spot on temperature for me.




Fahrenheit?


----------



## 8den (Nov 26, 2015)

Pickman's model said:


>



Pink wafers in the armed forces. Must be the navy...


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 26, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Fahrenheit?


kelvin


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Nov 26, 2015)

8den said:


> Pink wafers in the armed forces. Must be the navy...



REME, apparently. It's from Clare. 

Capt CL xxxxxx | Adjt | 4 Armoured Close Support Battalion REME | Jellalabad Bks, Tidworth, SP9 7BN | Mil: 94342 2799 | Civ: 01980 xxxxxx | Mob: <redacted> | DII: 4REME-BHQ-Adjt | Email: clare.xxxxx827...


----------



## 8den (Nov 26, 2015)

Maurice Picarda said:


> REME, apparently. It's from Clare.
> 
> Capt CL xxxxxx | Adjt | 4 Armoured Close Support Battalion REME | Jellalabad Bks, Tidworth, SP9 7BN | Mil: 94342 2799 | Civ: 01980 xxxxxx | Mob: <redacted> | DII: 4REME-BHQ-Adjt | Email: clare.xxxxx827...



Ah well that explains it then. The Irish army is small and not well funded but we've always maintained a well stocked biccy tin. Garaballdis too none of your rich tea muck


----------



## emanymton (Nov 26, 2015)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Fahrenheit?


What can I say, I like it chilly.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Nov 26, 2015)

8den said:


> Ah well that explains it then. The Irish army is small and not well funded but we've always maintained a well stocked biccy tin. Garaballdis too none of your rich tea muck


garibaldi was a great man, he made the biscuits run on time...


----------



## extra dry (Nov 27, 2015)

We have had long running battle with flies the last few months, big ones similar to an adult horse fly. Yesterday another insect invasion cockroaches living in the water cooler and kitchen area.


----------



## ringo (Nov 30, 2015)

Building wide email from office manager:

Hello,
Please be aware that the toilets on the first floor (incl. disabled toilet) are not flushing. PaF have been informed, please use the toilets on the second floor until the problem has been resolved.
Regards, 

'Reply all' response from staff member:

While we’re on the topic of toilets… Toilet brushes are provided, as are bins…and toilet seats are in most civilised worlds are left clean for the next person wishing to use them.
:’(


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Nov 30, 2015)

Do you think it's a many-worlds hypothesis or merely a statement about loo etiquette elsewhere in the galaxy?


----------



## quimcunx (Nov 30, 2015)

kabbes said:


> Update on the bin front: they have put in bins for paper, mixed recycling, food waste and general waste.  I approve of this -- the amount of waste that was previously just being chucked must have been vast.
> 
> But I am staggered how shit people are at actually managing to throw things into the right bin.  Yesterday, I opened the food waste bin at the end of the day and it was full of paper cups, pret a manger packaging, stirring sticks and other food-related but not-actually-food detritus.  Basically, the whole thing is contaminated from a composting perspective.  Useless.



Not necessarily.  Maybe it depends on the waste recycling plant requirements but recycling instructions seem to vary a lot and I suspect there is a lot of misinformation.  I say, with no confidence whatsoever, that paper contaminated by food is not acceptable as paper waste. And apparently in composting if it gets smelly adding paper is offered as a solution.  So paper and wooden stirring sticks are probably ok.  Plastic stirring sticks not so much.

Other than that I agree that it is annoying.  Most times I take stuff out to our block of flat's recycling bin I am moved to tears* of frustration at what's been put in there.

Well, not so much tears, but I mutter 'ohh FFS', and roll my eyes.


----------



## StoneRoad (Nov 30, 2015)

The lack of ability for some people to pre-sort waste & recyclables is a major drawback of the system.
I begin to wonder how much of it is deliberate attempts to be awkward / disruptive rather than just the person(s) being thick.


----------



## joustmaster (Nov 30, 2015)

StoneRoad said:


> The lack of ability for some people to pre-sort waste & recyclables is a major drawback of the system.
> I begin to wonder how much of it is deliberate attempts to be awkward / disruptive rather than just the person(s) being thick.


At work, we have: 
a green bin with recycling sign and a normal lid.
a blue bin with no recycling sign, but with a lid with a slot for sheets of paper.
and a yellow bin with no lid or markings.

people just use them all for everything.


----------



## quimcunx (Nov 30, 2015)

,





StoneRoad said:


> The lack of ability for some people to pre-sort waste & recyclables is a major drawback of the system.
> I begin to wonder how much of it is deliberate attempts to be awkward / disruptive rather than just the person(s) being thick.



I think at least part of the problem is the many different rules.  We are allowed to put plastic bags in recycling at my work but not at my home.  Some take tin foil, some don't. I was putting shredded paper in the recycling until I noticed we are not allowed to in Lambeth etc etc.  You need to actively seek out the pages on your council website to get to the finer details of what you can and can't recycle and where, and even if you did memorise them all, the lists change without warning.  

There are always some people who just like to be little fuckers though.


----------



## StoneRoad (Nov 30, 2015)

There are quite a few differences as to what is allowed in the recycling in Gwynedd, NWales, compared to in Northumberland. Potentially very confusing ... especially when the rules get changed.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 30, 2015)

quimcunx said:


> ,
> 
> I think at least part of the problem is the many different rules.  We are allowed to put plastic bags in recycling at my work but not at my home.  Some take tin foil, some don't. I was putting shredded paper in the recycling until I noticed we are not allowed to in Lambeth etc etc.  You need to actively seek out the pages on your council website to get to the finer details of what you can and can't recycle and where, and even if you did memorise them all, the lists change without warning.
> 
> There are always some people who just like to be little fuckers though.




They've gone and stuck a big sticker on the lid of our recycling bin at home, with pictures to help those who can't read. But then with no pictures it says, "If in doubt, leave it out." So round here it is illiterate folk who are fucking shit up.


----------



## laptop (Dec 1, 2015)

8den said:


> ... The Irish army i



Based in SP9 7BN ?


----------



## Nikkormat (Dec 9, 2015)

"Dear Staff, 

As I walked in to the staffroom today, several things caught my attention on the staff whiteboard, all of which were inappropriate. This included a pupil with a Hitler mustache, an image recommending hallucinating drugs (again containing four children) and a number of other images. 

Can we please remember we work in a professional environment and that our staffroom is visible to other staff, parents and a variety of other visitors to school.

I understand that these documents were probably put up in jest, however a public room is not the place to do so. 

Thank you very much for your understanding."


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 9, 2015)

moustache has an O in it.


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Dec 9, 2015)

.. and that was just the teachers!


----------



## Nikkormat (Dec 9, 2015)

DotCommunist said:


> moustache has an O in it.



I was going to say that it's because the boss is Australian, but it seems that the Australian spelling is the same as the British.


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 9, 2015)

Nikkormat said:


> I was going to say that it's because the boss is Australian, but it seems that the Australian spelling is the same as the British.


cheeky correction in red pen and a 'see me' at the bottom


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Dec 9, 2015)

Grammar Nazi's ftw


----------



## maomao (Dec 9, 2015)

I really enjoyed this one from a colleague today:



> to whom it may apply…
> 
> 
> forgive my brief (ox)tail of woe - i do hate to cause a stir but i'm in a bit of a stew this morning over an act of seemingly petty nocturnal larceny - namely my sachet of tomato cuppa soup which (when i left last evening) was sitting in my little cup awaiting my consomme(tion) this a.m.
> ...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Dec 10, 2015)

That's soup(a), bet the author cream(ed) (of chicken) his pants at his wit.


----------



## trabuquera (Dec 10, 2015)

^ be fair, he crammed almost an entire u75 thread's worth of soup puns into a single scolding work email - and on an empty stomach too.


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Dec 10, 2015)

trabuquera said:


> ^ be fair, he crammed almost an entire u75 thread's worth of soup puns into a single scalding work email - and on an empty stomach too.



Fixed.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 11, 2015)




----------



## Schmetterling (Dec 16, 2015)

This is what I found in my Inbox this morning. Sweet Jesus!  The 'bright-eyed-bushy-tailed-brown-nosing-I-am-on-The-Apprentice' colleague thought it was 'Really sweet!'. 
I sicked up a little into my mouth when I read this:



Dear Colleagues,

It is a pleasure to have met you all, and to have spent some time with you already.

Firstly, I'm sorry I'm missing the Chrismas dinner, and wish you all a Merry Christmas and all the best for the New Year.

I'm proud to join such a dynamic team that has achieved so much to improve patients lives!

This is a key motivator for me, and I look forward to working closely with you moving forward with driving forward the innovative and successful treatments we have to offer in the XX.

My aim is to focus on patient safety, and to ensure we provide the highest standards of treatment in this challenging, and devastating disease area to those who can benefit from it.

If we are able to build on our current successes that have been spearheaded by X and X, we can move forward with the confidence that our patients will be better off, and this will simply lead to future successes.

I plan to be working closely with you in the coming months, and welcome suggestions from you on how to make the patients journey more successful, and how to improve on the already significant successes to date.

One key way we will achieve this is to collect better quality data, and make use this data to improve patient care.

My working ethos is to be open, transparent and collaborative, and like many multi-cultural environments, thrive on explicit communication.

Lastly, in my role as Clinical Director, I'd like to reinforce that the patients that attend our clinic are our responsibility, and if any of us have any concerns, it is our duty to ensure that these issues are dealt with appropriately, and that I am aware of any issues at all times that may affect patient safety.  Please don't feel there is any justifiable reason not to report any issues to me.

Even though I'm not in the clinic in the next few weeks, I am available on the phone, email and text.

I look forward to working closely with you in what looks like to be a very exciting New Year!

Best regards

[Dr Wanker-Tosspot}

ETA: Not quite scolding but we don't have a Wanker-Work-Email thread.


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Dec 16, 2015)

Seems a perfectly reasonable email. He's new, he's in charge, he's setting some aspects of the clinical management agenda. What's wrong with that?


----------



## existentialist (Dec 16, 2015)

Maurice Picarda said:


> Seems a perfectly reasonable email. He's new, he's in charge, he's setting some aspects of the clinical management agenda. What's wrong with that?


Likewise, I can't fault the general message, though he's a bit prone to clunky management-speak, which is never going to endear him to the peons. Points deducted for blatant buzzword-dropping - "multi-cultural", for example.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 16, 2015)

Schmetterling said:


> This is what I found in my Inbox this morning.  Sweet Jesus!  The 'bright-eyed-bushy-tailed-brown-nosing-I-am-on-The-Apprentice' colleague thought it was 'Really sweet!'.
> I sicked up a little into my mouth when I read this:
> 
> 
> ...


could you point out the scolding in that email?


----------



## The Boy (Dec 16, 2015)

Maurice Picarda said:


> Seems a perfectly reasonable email. He's new, he's in charge, he's setting some aspects of the clinical management agenda. What's wrong with that?



Terrible prose.  "...moving forward with driving forward..."?  No less then three incidences of 'working closely'?  Added to which, the liberal sprinklings of management gobshitery and painfully upbeat tone make me want to hurt things.

edit:  though doesn't really belong in this thread due to lack of scolding.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 16, 2015)

The Boy said:


> Terrible prose.  "...moving forward with driving forward..."?  No less then three incidences of 'working closely'?  Added to which, the liberal sprinklings of management gobshitery and painfully upbeat tone make me want to hurt things.


but WHERE IS THE SCOLDING?


----------



## The Boy (Dec 16, 2015)

Pickman's model said:


> but WHERE IS THE SCOLDING?



DON'T BE SO QUICK!!!  I WAS EDITING MY POST!!!


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Dec 16, 2015)

Regarding the prose, is English his first language? The demand for clear communication in a multi-cultural environment is quite pointed, for an introductory email.


----------



## Schmetterling (Dec 16, 2015)

Nope; but I can point out the scolding in your post! 

I forgot the 'Not quite scolding but work e-mail blah di blah' disclaimer.

ETA My finger is messing up the clicking this morning.  I was meant to reply to Pickman's Model.


----------



## Schmetterling (Dec 16, 2015)

Maurice Picarda said:


> Seems a perfectly reasonable email. He's new, he's in charge, he's setting some aspects of the clinical management agenda. What's wrong with that?




It is positively creaming itself with management speak and, in my experience, the more wanker-management speech used the less actual work is done by the speaker.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 16, 2015)

The Boy said:


> DON'T BE SO QUICK!!!  I WAS EDITING MY POST!!!


next time do the edit pre-posting


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 16, 2015)

Schmetterling said:


> It is positively creaming itself with management speak and, in my experience, the more wanker-management speech used the less actual work is done by the speaker.


of course: he is a MANAGER and therefore does not work.


----------



## The Boy (Dec 16, 2015)

Pickman's model said:


> next time do the edit pre-posting



Not an email, but the above is my first submission to this thread.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 16, 2015)

The Boy said:


> Not an email, but the above is my first submission to this thread.


better than your second one


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Dec 16, 2015)

BTW, I've assumed in two posts that the clinical director is a bloke. I think that's justified from the fondness for first-person pronouns, which is a fairly reliable gender indicator, but assumptions like that are still poor practice and I apologise.


----------



## ringo (Dec 16, 2015)

Schmetterling said:


> thrive on explicit communication.


----------



## emanymton (Dec 16, 2015)

Schmetterling said:


> This is what I found in my Inbox this morning. Sweet Jesus!  The 'bright-eyed-bushy-tailed-brown-nosing-I-am-on-The-Apprentice' colleague thought it was 'Really sweet!'.
> I sicked up a little into my mouth when I read this:
> 
> 
> ...


Think I just got house in management bollocks bingo.


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 16, 2015)

emanymton said:


> Think I just got house in management bollocks bingo.


No, there's no mention of synergy.


----------



## existentialist (Dec 16, 2015)

equationgirl said:


> No, there's no mention of synergy.


Ah, that one's only in the executive edition.


----------



## laptop (Dec 17, 2015)

emanymton said:


> Think I just got house in management bollocks bingo.


And an apostrophectomy 

"patients journey "


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 12, 2016)

This has appeared on the staff room fridge


----------



## existentialist (Jan 12, 2016)

neonwilderness said:


> This has appeared on the staff room fridge


To which the only proper scolding response would be to (ideally in red pen) score out "RAN" and write in "run".

ETA: ...and possibly add an Oxford comma after "Coffee"


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 12, 2016)

It's not really a true classic example. Where is the passive aggressive smiley for starters?


----------



## existentialist (Jan 13, 2016)

equationgirl said:


> It's not really a true classic example. Where is the passive aggressive smiley for starters?


I think that observation could reasonably be made on the sign, too.


----------



## StoneRoad (Jan 13, 2016)

or add.

so, divn't whinge when there's nowt left.


----------



## ringo (Jan 13, 2016)

Off topic I know, but this salesman has been sending me multiple passive aggressive emails for the last two weeks and is now getting desperate. I'm ignoring him, obviously. 

Hi ****,
I've sent a couple emails over the past week *re: detect insider threat and stop data loss*, but haven't heard from you.
Not sure if it's a priority at this time, but let me know either way.  At the very least, we'll both make a new friend in the security business 
Hope to talk soon!


----------



## existentialist (Jan 13, 2016)

ringo said:


> Off topic I know, but this salesman has been sending me multiple passive aggressive emails for the last two weeks and is now getting desperate. I'm ignoring him, obviously.
> 
> Hi ****,
> I've sent a couple emails over the past week *re: detect insider threat and stop data loss*, but haven't heard from you.
> ...


"Dear Mate,

"As ever, your prescience and insight are a credit to you: you're absolutely right in your suspicion that insider threats and data loss are not my highest priority which remains, as ever, my efforts to prevent the rising tide of non-data-loss and insider threat shit from reaching the level of my nostrils, while at the same time responding courteously to the many, many invitations I receive from people, like yourself, to develop my skills in all kinds of other directions.

"Just as soon as I'm only waist-deep in it, I shall be eagerly exploring the many and varied invitations to expand my skills and knowledge, such as yours, and will be more than happy to discuss the matter then. It won't be any time soon, though."


----------



## ringo (Jan 13, 2016)

Nah


----------



## emanymton (Jan 13, 2016)

equationgirl said:


> It's not really a true classic example. Where is the passive aggressive smiley for starters?


Double underlined though.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 13, 2016)

equationgirl said:


> It's not really a true classic example. Where is the passive aggressive smiley for starters?



The PA Smiley needs to be added to the correction, *RUN *


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

Ugh sometimes I really hate my job. Boss sent this round : (five minutes after email was sent he came round with the box with names in it)

Hi folks.

You may think I am already a little mad but we're in for a little experiment.

This year we will join the Love week global movement with 100 000 companies world wide from February 1st – February 6th

*Names are in the blue tupperware box on my desk - pick one up!*

*How Does Love Week Work?*

Everyone adds their names to a hat and then each person draws out a name (at random), regardless of gender or rank. The name you draw is your Human, which makes you their Secret Angel.

Your duty as a Secret Angel is to show love and appreciation for your Human throughout Love Week in creative, mysterious and secretive ways (check out our tips below). You do this anonymously!

*Show the world how much love you are spreading. Share photos of your Love Week experience on Instagram, Twitter andFacebook using the hashtag #SpreadLoveWeek.*

Remember that while you are a Secret Angel, someone else is also being a Secret Angel to you. So you too will be receiving love and appreciation from him or her all week long 

Your identity as a Secret Angel should only be revealed to your Human after Love Week ends. We will do this at our monthly all staff team meeting, the Awesomeness Report, the following Tuesday.

Love Week 2016 | Join The Global Movement | February 1st – February 5th | #SpreadLoveWeek -

*Suggestions and Tips For Your Love Week*

You don’t have to spend lavish amounts to show your Human love and appreciation! It’s always the thought and effort that count. Surprise them with their favourite coffee, decorate their desk, their bike, bake a cake.

While you can be generous and spend on gifts, Love Week doesn’t require cash! Create a Spotify playlist, send them empowering quotes, set up a temporary Tumblr account dedicated to them or create a customised Pinterest board of their goals and interests.

Collaborate with other Secret Angels! Send another person to serenade, give a quick massage, deliver a gift, or recite an embarrassing poem or on your behalf.

Turn Love Week into your own personal campaign! Perform random acts of kindness to a stranger, volunteer at a local community or even show the environment some love and plant a tree a day.

Be your own Secret Angel and make Love Week a week of self-love and appreciation for yourself – head to the spa, take an hour off to golf or treat yourself to that must-have that you’ve been eyeing for a while now.

Remember to share photos of your Love Week experience on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter all week long using the hashtag*#SpreadLoveWeek*.


----------



## Fingers (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Ugh sometimes I really hate my job. Boss sent this round : (five minutes after email was sent he came round with the box with names in it)
> 
> Hi folks.
> 
> ...



Fuck me. I know you only posted this two minutes ago but has anyone twatted him right in the face yet?


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> You don’t have to spend lavish amounts to show your Human love and appreciation! It’s always the thought and effort that count. Surprise them with their favourite coffee, decorate their desk, their bike, bake a cake.
> 
> While you can be generous and spend on gifts, Love Week doesn’t require cash! Create a Spotify playlist, send them empowering quotes, set up a temporary Tumblr account dedicated to them or create a customised Pinterest board of their goals and interests.


 
*restraining order*

What a load of shit!


----------



## Fingers (Feb 2, 2016)

> Hi folks.
> 
> You may think I am already a little mad



No mate, you are not a little mad, you are a grade 'a' bellend.


----------



## Libertad (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Ugh sometimes I really hate my job. Boss sent this round : (five minutes after email was sent he came round with the box with names in it)
> 
> Hi folks.
> 
> ...



Show him the love, in the face with a chair.


----------



## Fingers (Feb 2, 2016)

This could work in your favour mind


Be your own Secret Angel and make Love Week a week of self-love and appreciation for yourself – head to the spa, take an hour off to golf or treat yourself to that must-have that you’ve been eyeing for a while now. *Bunk off work for the week.*


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

Fingers said:


> Fuck me. I know you only posted this two minutes ago but has anyone twatted him right in the face yet?


Unfortunately no. It was sent round last week and started today. I got a breakfast on my desk with lots of fruit. Seems I have a paternalistic angel. I had forgotten about this so haven't done my bit yet. Too late to get out of this but it makes me feel real uncomfortable.


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

Fingers said:


> This could work in your favour mind
> 
> 
> Be your own Secret Angel and make Love Week a week of self-love and appreciation for yourself – head to the spa, take an hour off to golf or treat yourself to that must-have that you’ve been eyeing for a while now. *Bunk off work for the week.*



Ha ha!

I checked online to see evidence of the thousands of business's allegedly doing this. I found one or two couple of years old twitter posts.


----------



## Fingers (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Unfortunately no. It was sent round last week and started today. I got a breakfast on my desk with lots of fruit. Seems I have a paternalistic angel. I had forgotten about this so haven't done my bit yet. Too late to get out of this but it makes me feel real uncomfortable.



OK if no one has chinned him by close of play, I will happily come round and ram a golf club up his rectum.


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

Fingers said:


> OK if no one has chinned him by close of play, I will happily come round and ram a golf club up his rectum.



I'll definitely keep that in mind!


----------



## Santino (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Ugh sometimes I really hate my job. Boss sent this round : (five minutes after email was sent he came round with the box with names in it)
> 
> Hi folks.
> 
> ...


 cunts


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Be your own Secret Angel and make Love Week a week of self-love and appreciation for yourself – head to the spa, take an hour off to golf or treat yourself to that must-have that you’ve been eyeing for a while now.


----------



## Schmetterling (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Ugh sometimes I really hate my job. Boss sent this round : (five minutes after email was sent he came round with the box with names in it)
> 
> Hi folks.
> 
> ...



Constipated Christ! 

That is a beaut, though! 

Next week: Hug Week!


----------



## sorearm (Feb 2, 2016)

The horror of it all


----------



## kabbes (Feb 2, 2016)

Telling your staff that they should go and spend more money on themselves -- the lack of self-awareness is just staggering.


----------



## souljacker (Feb 2, 2016)

That is absolutey bonkers. I would just refuse point blank.


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

souljacker said:


> That is absolutey bonkers. I would just refuse point blank.



Spoke to a couple of workmates and they seemed excited about the whole thing. Then again my first ever team meeting people were suggesting us opening on days off and everybody seemed to think this was a great idea. Weirdest and most happily compliant workplace I've been in all my life. First social enterprise I've worked for. Maybe thats what it is. .


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

kabbes said:


> Telling your staff that they should go and spend more money on themselves -- the lack of self-awareness is just staggering.


I know!! 

Boss is like a hippie David brent


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

Schmetterling said:


> Constipated Christ!
> 
> That is a beaut, though!
> 
> Next week: Hug Week!



Don't give em ideas!!


----------



## Treacle Toes (Feb 2, 2016)

> Hi All
> 
> Had a bit of a tidy up in the kitchen and have come across some containers buried in the back of cupboards. At least one has a name on it, please can you check to see what might be yours, if still sitting on the kitchen top at end of day I will move to the graveyard of containers in cupboard behind door.
> 
> Please be warned that at some moment when I have a bit of time I will be going through the graveyard and perhaps throwing things away.


----------



## Fingers (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Don't give em ideas!!



I would quit and get yourself out of there if I were you, they sound like a dangerous cult.


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

Fingers said:


> I would quit and get yourself out of there if I were you, they sound like a dangerous cult.


I'm already onto exit strategy!


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

kabbes said:


> Telling your staff that they should go and spend more money on themselves -- the lack of self-awareness is just staggering.



Ha that reminds me of this email that got sent round a few weeks back. . .

Wednesday last week, staff team started to write ideas for our organisation for 2016 on the kitchen blackboard.  This is a great idea and I'm glad you are all keen to make xxx even better!
By the end of the day the board was full of brilliant ideas, but when I arrived at work on Thursday morning, there were even more.... including: better staff uniforms, higher wages etc.
I got really upset and I wiped out the blackboard...

Why?

Well, I am under enormous pressure at the moment as we currently have a shortfall of around £150k, which must be found before March next year. Our charity is 40% funded and we need funding income to keep us going every year.

At the moment, I cannot fulfil wishes such as pay increase and this upsets me.  I'm working really hard to ensure we are financially secure and have reserves to keep us afloat while funding is secured.

As you all know, I'm not shouldering this on my own and I know I have a great team helping out every day. Thank you everyone and my apologies for deleting your great ideas. I was not trying to be a 'kill-joy' or intentionally disregard your ideas.  If you want to send ideas by email or speak to me, my door is always open. Even if it is shut just push it! 

Thank you for your support and looking forward to a great 2016!!!


----------



## Fingers (Feb 2, 2016)

What a colossal twat.  Is he one of these types who got promoted because he fucked up everything he did beforehand? Kill with fire.


----------



## Libertad (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Ha that reminds me of this email that got sent round a few weeks back. . .
> 
> Wednesday last week, staff team started to write ideas for our organisation for 2016 on the kitchen blackboard.  This is a great idea and I'm glad you are all keen to make xxx even better!
> By the end of the day the board was full of brilliant ideas, but when I arrived at work on Thursday morning, there were even more.... including: better staff uniforms, higher wages etc.
> ...



He's a monster and must be stopped.


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

Libertad said:


> He's a monster and must be stopped.


----------



## Fingers (Feb 2, 2016)

A wickerman is all that is required to sort this mess out


----------



## 5t3IIa (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Ha that reminds me of this email that got sent round a few weeks back. . .
> 
> Wednesday last week, staff team started to write ideas for our organisation for 2016 on the kitchen blackboard.  This is a great idea and I'm glad you are all keen to make xxx even better!
> By the end of the day the board was full of brilliant ideas, but when I arrived at work on Thursday morning, there were even more.... including: better staff uniforms, higher wages etc.
> ...


This person is _mental. _Are you really looking for a new job?


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

5t3IIa said:


> This person is _mental. _Are you really looking for a new job?


Been in post for 6 months. Think I need another 6 months to make me employable in same field but for less mental organisation. 

This thread has cheered me up. Jobs been getting me down and was starting to get that way where I thought the attitudes here were normal cause I've been stuck in this world for a bit. 

Place has got a great reputation in the field as well winning all sorts of awards and shit. If only they knew!


----------



## teuchter (Feb 2, 2016)

I think xslavearcx just won this thread and no-one else should ever complain about their workplace again.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Been in post for 6 months. Think I need another 6 months to make me employable in same field but for less mental organisation.
> 
> This thread has cheered me up. Jobs been getting me down and was starting to get that way where I thought the attitudes here were normal cause I've been stuck in this world for a bit.
> 
> Place has got a great reputation in the field as well winning all sorts of awards and shit. If only they knew!



Paste on that happy face! The days are getting longer and the weather will perk up so we've all got that to look forward to too 

What are you bringing your Human for breakfast tomorrow?


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

5t3IIa said:


> Paste on that happy face! The days are getting longer and the weather will perk up so we've all got that to look forward to too
> 
> What are you bringing your Human for breakfast tomorrow?



I don't have a clue to be honest. Think I'm gonna just play it safe and buy her a croissant and fruit or something. Worried of coming across creepy - place brings out the awkwardness in me. 

The boss sent round an email saying we should tweet and Facebook all the shit that gets done. I just got an asd diagnosis there - kinda thinking of disclosing that to get out of having to do all this on social media too. (Not that I have a Facebook or Twitter)


----------



## StoneRoad (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx - JC on a bicycle ! that boss is quite mental. The whole idea of "Love Week" as explained in that email just sounds so creepy I could not, and would not, take part in something like that.


----------



## sheothebudworths (Feb 2, 2016)

Make her a bit of toast at home and whack it on her desk on a bit of bog roll when you get in


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

StoneRoad said:


> xslavearcx - JC on a bicycle ! that boss is quite mental. The whole idea of "Love Week" as explained in that email just sounds so creepy I could not, and would not, take part in something like that.


Normally I'm a lot more assertive. But I've felt so out of sorts there (weird workplace culture where they are all pal's and into it, my sleep apnea having massive impact on my cognitive abilities , being on probation etc)  and been on a downer that I didn't just make the refusal when it came up. . Seeing everybody liking it threw me as well. Meh


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 2, 2016)

> send them empowering quotes



Here's one to stick on your boss's screen:


----------



## oryx (Feb 2, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Well, I am under enormous pressure at the moment as we currently have a shortfall of around £150k, which must be found before March next year. Our charity is 40% funded and we need funding income to keep us going every year.



Maybe if he encouraged some proper, you know, *work*...like interacting with clients, emails, spreadsheets, etc. & things normal workplaces do instead of wank like Love Week  things might look up...


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 2, 2016)

oryx said:


> Maybe if he encouraged some proper, you know, *work*...like interacting with clients, emails, spreadsheets, etc. & things normal workplaces do instead of wank like Love Week  things might look up...



Well the first thing I found weird was in my first day in the office no-one was talking to each other at all. If I tried to say something people would look stressed so stopped talking. Everyone just doing there things on computers. Then after a few days one of my colleagues apologised to me about the weird atmosphere but that the boss would always go off on one if anybody spoke. We are here to work after all was the rationale.

Im on a part time post but definitely do about the same as someone else in my position in full time posts would cover in terms of outcomes I reckon. Or thereabouts at least. So I think that strategy works from point of view of boss in terms of maximising value from workforce. Dunno if the cost in morale maybe fucks with that productivity mind you. But I think the ideology of being involved in a social enterprise allegedly doing good shit mitigates with that for those in the workforce who think what we do is worthwhile.( Also very short term contracts with long probation works as well in that regard ) But for me nah hence exit strategy. 

The only reason why I haven't left already is that after being in this sector for nearly a decade doing sessional and or volunteer work (but often times the same level of responsibility as someone on full time post) it's the first proper post I've got. It was my last shot before going back to the call centres . So just need to last this year!!


Fucking third sector!


----------



## Me76 (Feb 3, 2016)

Was informed today that because my team get on and have conversations that are _not work related _(shock horror), people have been questioning whether they have enough work to do and do we need that many people in the team.


----------



## laptop (Feb 4, 2016)

Me76 said:


> Was informed today that because my team get on and have conversations that are _not work related _(shock horror), people have been questioning whether they have enough work to do and do we need that many people in the team.


Demand a productivity spreadsheet!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 4, 2016)

Me76 said:


> Was informed today that because my team get on and have conversations that are _not work related _(shock horror), people have been questioning whether they have enough work to do and do we need that many people in the team.



The people questioning your team, have they got nothing better to do all day?


----------



## Me76 (Feb 4, 2016)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> The people questioning your team, have they got nothing better to do all day?


Indeed!

I thought I had put this in work frustrations - sorry for a lack of comic sans and clip art in my post


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 4, 2016)

Me76 said:


> Indeed!
> 
> I thought I had put this in work frustrations - sorry for a lack of comic sans and clip art in my post




Don't worry, thread's fucked now xslavearcx's brought Love Week along.


----------



## Fingers (Feb 4, 2016)

Can we have a update on LoveWeek please xslavearcx 

Has anyone stoved his face in yet?


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 4, 2016)

Fingers said:


> Can we have a update on LoveWeek please xslavearcx
> 
> Has anyone stoved his face in yet?



Boss keeps asking people to post their examples of love week on line with nobody responding.  

Im on toilet rota this week and discovered that someone's been looking after the bathroom for me. Kinda lucky that I guess. .

No heads getting kicked in yet.


----------



## May Kasahara (Feb 5, 2016)

xslavearcx how did I miss this? Stalker Week sounds, um, awesome. Not creepy and disturbing AT ALL 

Hopefully next week can be Self Love Week.

And to think I only came on here to report that I have received a training day flyer that contains no less than nine consecutive exclamation marks.


----------



## The Boy (Feb 5, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Boss keeps asking people to post their examples of love week on line with nobody responding.
> 
> Im on toilet rota this week *and discovered that someone's been looking after the bathroom for me*. Kinda lucky that I guess. .
> 
> No heads getting kicked in yet.



It's your boss, isn't it?  All of it is.  Poor bastard has been working double shifts all week because nobody is on board with Stalker Week and he has to do it all himself.  

Poor man


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 5, 2016)

May Kasahara said:


> xslavearcx how did I miss this? Stalker Week sounds, um, awesome. Not creepy and disturbing AT ALL
> 
> Hopefully next week can be Self Love Week.
> 
> And to think I only came on here to report that I have received a training day flyer that contains no less than nine consecutive exclamation marks.


NINE???!!! There's excessive and then there's excessive...


----------



## TikkiB (Feb 5, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Ha that reminds me of this email that got sent round a few weeks back. . .
> 
> Wednesday last week, staff team started to write ideas for our organisation for 2016 on the kitchen blackboard.  This is a great idea and I'm glad you are all keen to make xxx even better!
> By the end of the day the board was full of brilliant ideas, but when I arrived at work on Thursday morning, there were even more.... including: better staff uniforms, higher wages etc.
> ...


That rather presents the picture of your manager going berserk in a staff kitchen with a whiteboard eraser, whilst sobbing, then biting his knuckles.
It sounds like it's only a matter of time before you find him in a dark stationery cupboard gently rocking backwards and forwards.  Love week is clearly a cry for help.


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 5, 2016)

TikkiB said:


> That rather presents the picture of your manager going berserk in a staff kitchen with a whiteboard eraser, whilst sobbing, then biting his knuckles.
> It sounds like it's only a matter of time before you find him in a dark stationery cupboard gently rocking backwards and forwards.  Love week is clearly a cry for help.



His cries shall be unheard!


----------



## laptop (Feb 10, 2016)

Not scolding, but...



> *Valentines message board*
> If you’re desperate behind your desktop, longing in the lifts or just craving quietly in the kitchen, tell your workmates your true feelings on our Valentine’s message board. In honour of Heart Month, we’re giving you the chance to express your heartfelt desires completely anonymously…



Ewww. Shouldn't they have checked the liability issues?


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 10, 2016)

laptop said:


> Not scolding, but...
> 
> 
> 
> Ewww. Shouldn't they have checked the liability issues?



Maybe some report has shown the creepiest staff are the most productive or something?


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 10, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Maybe some report has shown the creepiest staff are the most productive or something?


dunno, i can't imagine phildwyer, diamond or treelover would get much work done.


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 11, 2016)




----------



## StoneRoad (Feb 11, 2016)

Pickman's model - I had that sort of thing once, I took a stilson to the tap in question. Someone then complained that they couldn't turn the tap on !
But srly, suggest that they fit "percussion" taps or those with the IR sensors on them if there is a real wasting water problem.


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 11, 2016)

StoneRoad said:


> Pickman's model - I had that sort of thing once, I took a stilson to the tap in question. Someone then complained that they couldn't turn the tap on !
> But srly, suggest that they fit "percussion" taps or those with the IR sensors on them if there is a real wasting water problem.


when i saw your alert i had a moment of fear you were going to say "i wrote that email"


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 12, 2016)

boss sent this email round today. not quite sure what it means? 

*EASY ON - EASY OFF Masking Tape*

What a strange subject title...

I got Masking tape, in the stationery drawer, it is to use instead of blue tac and drawing pins in the meeting rooms to stick things on the wall.

Better than the love week hey?

Enjoy

***


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 12, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> boss sent this email round today. not quite sure what it means?
> 
> *EASY ON - EASY OFF Masking Tape*
> 
> ...



I mean it seems straight forward: a recommendation to use Masking tape instead of blue tack but the reference to love week at the end has thrown me. . .


----------



## Me76 (Feb 12, 2016)

Is your Boss on this thread


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 12, 2016)

Me76 said:


> Is your Boss on this thread


I hope not. we are on pretty flimsy employment contracts


----------



## emanymton (Feb 13, 2016)

Is it just me who keeps thinking of the Sampsons episode with 'love day'?


----------



## existentialist (Feb 13, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> I mean it seems straight forward: a recommendation to use Masking tape instead of blue tack but the reference to love week at the end has thrown me. . .


Perhaps he was unconsciously thinking of duct tape.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 13, 2016)

Me76 said:


> Is your Boss on this thread



On drugs, most likely.


----------



## Schmetterling (Feb 13, 2016)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> On drugs, most likely.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Feb 17, 2016)

Good ones today, we do have constant issues with people shitting and pissing all over the place





> *From:*
> *Sent:*
> *To:*
> *Subject:* RE: Toilets+++++
> ...


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 18, 2016)




----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 18, 2016)

your mother does not work here


----------



## kabbes (Feb 18, 2016)

"Ladie's"

Classic stuff.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Feb 18, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 83599


What appalling sexist rubbish. It's a mother's duty to clean up is it? They don't say "your father doesn't work here" do they? That's actually made me quite cross—I'd send a reply back cc-ing HR if I got that.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Feb 19, 2016)

Thanks guys



> *From:*X
> *Sent:
> To:* Office
> *Subject:* Friday Drinks
> ...


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Feb 19, 2016)

"Friday Drink".


----------



## Fingers (Feb 19, 2016)

Artaxerxes said:


> Thanks guys



This is wank.  Friday drinks at the Department of Health were as much wine and beer as you could handle from 4pm until the last person was standing (or the booze had ran out).  A certain professor who was my boss used to get totally wasted and then still appeared for an interview on BBC News at 8am the next day.


----------



## souljacker (Feb 19, 2016)

We used to have them at my company, before my time. They had to be stopped after one of the directors got smashed and drove his Porsche into a ditch on the way home.


----------



## Idris2002 (Feb 22, 2016)

Earlier today, I got an email from the boss asking why I hadn't cleaned out my office since my contract ended (I'm still an associate of the group, you see, they just don't pay me anymore). The current visitor needs to use the space.

Unfortunately, I am out of town for this month, so I will be unable to square my rubbish away until I get back to town next week. . .

Which is not the answer my boss was looking for. . .


----------



## ElizabethofYork (Feb 22, 2016)

Artaxerxes said:


> Good ones today, we do have constant issues with people shitting and pissing all over the place



Those dirty, dirty, ladie's.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Feb 22, 2016)

ElizabethofYork said:


> Those dirty, dirty, ladie's.



Actually this was unusual in that it was the ladies, mostly its the mens, I've seen some shit.

Seriously. Flush it.


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 22, 2016)

Artaxerxes said:


> Actually this was unusual in that it was the ladies, mostly its the mens, I've seen some shit.
> 
> Seriously. Flush it.


sometimes when I'm in the ladies I can hear some man in the men's next door pumping the flush handle as if it where drawing water from a well.i'm pretty sure this technique does not make the cistern fill any faster.


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 23, 2016)




----------



## izz (Feb 23, 2016)

I don't know what a qPCR machine is but I want to push the buttons on it now.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Feb 23, 2016)

izz said:


> I don't know what a qPCR machine is but I want to push the buttons on it now.


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 25, 2016)




----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 25, 2016)

> Afternoon All,
> 
> 
> Many of you may of heard the fire alarm go off in the building a few moments ago.
> ...


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 25, 2016)

FridgeMagnet said:


> "Friday Drink".


not a patch on dress down Friday


----------



## xslavearcx (Feb 25, 2016)

That's amazing. it's like some paradox you would learn in a logic course.

eta post about fire alarm.


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 3, 2016)




----------



## xslavearcx (Mar 8, 2016)

boss sent this one round all the employees today . . .



> International Women's Day isn't just about giving a flower to a woman you appreciate and telling her she's great. This day, March 8, is a symbol of the struggles that women around the world have undergone to gain equality and rights and a reminder of how far there is still to go.
> 
> Happy Women's day everyone!


----------



## kabbes (Mar 8, 2016)

Omfg


----------



## TikkiB (Mar 8, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> boss sent this one round all the employees today . . .


S/he's still encouraging corporate sanctioned stalker-lite behaviour then?


----------



## Winot (Mar 8, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> boss sent this one round all the employees today . . .



A *bunch* of flowers then?


----------



## xslavearcx (Mar 8, 2016)

TikkiB said:


> S/he's still encouraging corporate sanctioned stalker-lite behaviour then?


Aye he is it seems. seems fond of mansplaining too also!


----------



## xslavearcx (Mar 8, 2016)

oh aye on the love week front as you'll remember it was al supposed to explained who was who's love angel on the all staff meeting there. never came up though I think it's something that has been tacitly agreed upon to be forgotten about. . .


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 9, 2016)




----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 9, 2016)




----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 10, 2016)




----------



## Puddy_Tat (Mar 10, 2016)

time for a "bring your cat to work" day?


----------



## Schmetterling (Mar 10, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 84503



Wouldn't it be great if while he/she is away no mice would be seen, only for the mice to return when he/she returns to work?


----------



## Miss Caphat (Mar 10, 2016)

I have been looking at an older version of this sign for the past year and a half every time I use the ladies' room. Yesterday they replaced it with an even more grammatically awkward and obnoxiously designed sign. 

"they catch in and block the pipes"..."backup"


----------



## xslavearcx (Mar 11, 2016)

boss has just sent an email round us all urging us to boycott all supermarkets and reminding us that we are what we eat apparently.


----------



## Teaboy (Mar 11, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> boss has just sent an email round us all urging us to boycott all supermarkets and reminding us that we are what we eat apparently.



Nutter.


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 11, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> boss has just sent an email round us all urging us to boycott all supermarkets and reminding us that we are what we eat apparently.


does your boss have friends and relations who own delis or corner shops?


----------



## teuchter (Mar 11, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 84503


Do you store foodstuffs in your drawers Pickman's model?


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 11, 2016)

teuchter said:


> Do you store foodstuffs in your drawers Pickman's model?


i have no little chest of drawers


----------



## Libertad (Mar 11, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> i have no little chest of drawers



Good to see your mouse breeding enterprise is coming along nicely though.


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 12, 2016)

Libertad said:


> Good to see your mouse breeding enterprise is coming along nicely though.


i sell their shit for manure


----------



## xslavearcx (Mar 12, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> does your boss have friends and relations who own delis or corner shops?



Fuck knows. he just seems to get a bee in his bonnet about the most random things. or maybe as a social entrepreneur he sees nothing bad about capitalism per se just the forms of capital greater than sme


----------



## Libertad (Mar 12, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> Fuck knows. he just seems to get a bee in his bonnet about the most random things. or maybe as a social entrepreneur he sees nothing bad about capitalism per se just the forms of capital greater than sme



He sounds like a right wanker. Fuck him up.


----------



## boohoo (Mar 12, 2016)

Me76 said:


> Was informed today that because my team get on and have conversations that are _not work related _(shock horror), people have been questioning whether they have enough work to do and do we need that many people in the team.


 If I talk to my colleague, and my line manager decides it is too much, he loudly asks how I am getting on with my work.


----------



## equationgirl (Mar 12, 2016)

boohoo said:


> If I talk to my colleague, and my line manager decides it is too much, he loudly asks how I am getting on with my work.


What a wanker.


----------



## Libertad (Mar 12, 2016)

equationgirl said:


> What a wanker.



There's a lot of it about.


----------



## equationgirl (Mar 12, 2016)

Libertad said:


> There's a lot of it about.


There is, unfortunately.


----------



## kabbes (Mar 14, 2016)

xslavearcx said:


> boss has just sent an email round us all urging us to boycott all supermarkets and reminding us that we are what we eat apparently.


Given your contributions to this thread, I am beginning to realize you actually work in a sitcom.  A bad BBC1 sitcom.


----------



## xslavearcx (Mar 14, 2016)

kabbes said:


> Given your contributions to this thread, I am beginning to realize you actually work in a sitcom.  A bad BBC1 sitcom.



Ha ha! that does sound possible!


----------



## Idris2002 (Mar 26, 2016)

Puddy_Tat said:


> time for a "bring your cat to work" day?


It might never leave, is the problem.


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 30, 2016)




----------



## Maltin (Mar 30, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 85207


You should stick a piece of Sellotape on the door knob. Maybe with a ransom note attached.


----------



## Treacle Toes (Mar 30, 2016)

Maltin said:


> You should stick a piece of Sellotape on the door knob. Maybe with a ransom note attached.



The end of a roll and a post it note saying _'It was indeed busy. Thank you'_


----------



## Artaxerxes (Mar 31, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 85207



A picture just in case you weren't aware what sellotape looked like?


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 31, 2016)

Artaxerxes said:


> A picture just in case you weren't aware what sellotape looked like?


----------



## Artaxerxes (Mar 31, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 85233



You son of a bitch, you've cut bits off him


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 31, 2016)

Artaxerxes said:


> You son of a bitch, you've cut bits off him


it gave the name and department of the organization, not to mention the room number from whence it strayed.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Mar 31, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> it gave the name and department of the organization.



We'll see what the police say about that.


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 31, 2016)

Artaxerxes said:


> We'll see what the police say about that.


what the selloplod?


----------



## Libertad (Mar 31, 2016)

Thread should be a sticky.


----------



## teuchter (Apr 1, 2016)

These could be useful for some of the note-writers featured on this thread

THEFT DETERRENT MOLDY SANDWICH BAGS


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 1, 2016)

teuchter said:


> These could be useful for some of the note-writers featured on this thread
> 
> THEFT DETERRENT MOLDY SANDWICH BAGS


yeh have your lunch thrown away rather than stolen


----------



## kabbes (Apr 1, 2016)

teuchter said:


> These could be useful for some of the note-writers featured on this thread
> 
> THEFT DETERRENT MOLDY SANDWICH BAGS


It would just be thrown out of our work fridge as soon as somebody saw it.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Apr 1, 2016)

teuchter said:


> These could be useful for some of the note-writers featured on this thread
> 
> THEFT DETERRENT MOLDY SANDWICH BAGS


 
one place i worked, one team started dyeing their milk green and sticking a 'danger - toxic waste' label on it...


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 5, 2016)




----------



## existentialist (Apr 11, 2016)

Not strictly office, and only very carefully-veiled scolding, but here's one I wrote.



> Following high-level discussions with representatives of the band and soloists, here is the Plan for Dixit Saturday, as it shall henceforth be known:
> 
> *1.45pm* - Getting the choir together and standing in the right places
> *2.00pm* - Full choir rehearsal with orchestra
> ...


There are a few in jokes there, to add to the passive-aggressiveness.


----------



## kabbes (Apr 12, 2016)

I would have read the first bit of that up to the end of the timetable and then stopped reading.

Well, I say "would have".  It's also what I did.


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 12, 2016)




----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 12, 2016)




----------



## 8115 (Apr 12, 2016)

Is it like a mouse obstacle course in your office?


----------



## Libertad (Apr 12, 2016)

See that blue man on the springboard? That's you that is Pickman's model.


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 26, 2016)




----------



## teuchter (Apr 26, 2016)

Instead of employing a "pest control officer" they should just get Pickman's model to do something useful instead of posting on urban all day.

I'm sure he would be perfectly capable of tidying up some boxes, and filling in some holes.


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 26, 2016)

teuchter said:


> Instead of employing a "pest control officer" they should just get Pickman's model to do something useful instead of posting on urban all day.
> 
> I'm sure he would be perfectly capable of tidying up some boxes, and filling in some holes.


i'd be happy to, as long as you were at the bottom of one.


----------



## Schmetterling (Apr 26, 2016)

I clicked Like before I even read the post so joyed was I to see there were Mice-News!


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 27, 2016)




----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 29, 2016)




----------



## Maltin (Apr 29, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 86343


You're getting a longer bank holiday weekend? Does that mean you get 4 days off?


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 29, 2016)

Maltin said:


> You're getting a longer bank holiday weekend? Does that mean you get 4 days off?


i don't, i'm working monday.


----------



## teuchter (Apr 29, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> i'm working monday.



I look forward to your absence on urban75, then.


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 29, 2016)

teuchter said:


> I look forward to your absence on urban75, then.


and i to yours


----------



## Maltin (Apr 29, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> i don't, i'm working monday.


----------



## Teaboy (Apr 29, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 86343



I love the idea there is a hole in the skirting board where the mice are getting in.  I have this vision of this perfect little arch like in the cartoons.


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 29, 2016)

Teaboy said:


> I love the idea there is a hole in the skirting board where the mice are getting in.  I have this vision of this perfect little arch like in the cartoons.


believe me there's nothing perfect about this place


----------



## Schmetterling (Apr 29, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 86263



Please, somebody photoshop a mouse into that photograph!


----------



## fishfinger (Apr 29, 2016)

Schmetterling said:


> Please, somebody photoshop a mouse into that photograph!


----------



## Schmetterling (Apr 29, 2016)

fishfinger said:


> View attachment 86352



Excellent!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 5, 2016)

Not an office, but from BB1's school:



> Please note that the Annual Meeting of Parents and Governors scheduled for 6pm on Wednesday 4 May 2016 has been CANCELLED as no parents have signified their intention to attend.



Oops


----------



## kabbes (May 25, 2016)

Are we allowed the opposite of the 'scolding email', i.e. the genuinely funny office email?



> The time has come my good friends for us to bid adieu to the 5th floor.  I know some of you are hesitant to leave the 5th floor and I can appreciate where you are coming from, the old girl has been good a home to us, although she has often been too hot, too cold, smelly, leaky, no electricity, no water, water that’s brown…you know what I mean.  But it is time to leave the 5th floor and the many mice behind.
> 
> We will be moving to the 2nd floor of [XXX] the weekend of the 11th and 12th June.  This was supposed to be earlier but IT are over worked, over stretched and quite frankly I think we can all agree we need [IT GUY] alive and well.
> 
> ...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 26, 2016)

kabbes said:


> Are we allowed the opposite of the 'scolding email', i.e. the genuinely funny office email?




You bringing your mice with you to the new floor?


----------



## Corax (May 26, 2016)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> You bringing your mice with you to the new floor?








Go on - you know you want to...


----------



## kabbes (May 26, 2016)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> You bringing your mice with you to the new floor?


The email says no.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 26, 2016)

kabbes said:


> The email says no.




Surely that's more of an advisory thing? You're mostly all adults, no?


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 16, 2016)




----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jun 16, 2016)

A trip to New Covent Garden seems to be in order Pickman's model, so you can helpfully leave some of these about the place...


----------



## laptop (Jun 17, 2016)

So, rather than watch the match, people here are supposed to listen to a podcast on why they shouldn't watch the match 


HR is all, like, "me me me"... again.


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 17, 2016)

laptop said:


> View attachment 88544
> 
> So, rather than watch the match, people here are supposed to listen to a podcast on why they shouldn't watch the match
> 
> ...


i clicked and clicked but nothing happened


----------



## laptop (Jun 17, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> i clicked and clicked but nothing happened


I have spared you HRbollocks and you're complaining?


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 23, 2016)

not really scolding, i quite liked this one


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 23, 2016)




----------



## May Kasahara (Jun 30, 2016)

I feel cheated. The toilets on our floor are always disgusting - wee on the seats, unflushed shit, sanitary bins overflowing etc. But I don't work for the organisation that runs this floor, so I never get to see any scolding emails.


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Jun 30, 2016)

This came round today.  I'm temping for this investment bank, so I don't know the goss about what was said on these chats, but the tone of this email has me seriously considering doing my own prank one when I've left..



> Hi All
> 
> Can I please respectfully ask you not to start any web chats whilst you are
> on the *company name* website.
> ...


----------



## joustmaster (Jun 30, 2016)

Jon-of-arc said:


> This came round today.  I'm temping for this investment bank, so I don't know the goss about what was said on these chats, but the tone of this email has me seriously considering doing my own prank one when I've left..


Post the link here. Lets all have a go.


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Jun 30, 2016)

joustmaster said:


> Post the link here. Lets all have a go.



They might be sacking me soon. If they do, I will.

Along with a few suggestions of questions you can ask that will fuck with them...


----------



## Sea Star (Jul 15, 2016)

Here's a topical one that arrived in my inbox this week. 



> There have been some difficult discussions recently about Brexit - and some of the discussions in the office have not been particularly respectful. So, a request from me that we show our colleagues courtesy and avoid any ranting in an open plan office.


----------



## May Kasahara (Jul 18, 2016)

Not an email, more of a scolding note on the windscreen. My building is occupied by two colleges, mine on the ground floor and the other upstairs. Due to a lack of office space, my office is upstairs, in 'enemy territory'. There is a long history of Britishly repressed tension and resentment between the two organisations.

On inset days staff at my college are allowed to park onsite (tiny car park). I have parked on the 'enemy' side of the building as there was no room on 'my' side. The manager has requested a note be left on my windscreen asking me not to park there. The caretaker came round to apologise for leaving this note  No one has actually asked me to move my car - we're all pretending that no one knows it's mine and that I don't know it's a problem


----------



## Sapphireblue (Jul 18, 2016)

that reminds me, i've had a few passive aggressive notes on my car due to parking in the wrong space at work.

tbf, i'm absolutely not allowed to park where i've occasionally parked. BUT, they have too many spaces allocated (always, always some free) and we don't have enough. i don't believe my parking there has ever deprived someone of a space they're entitled to (because as i said, always some empty). but still, getting notes telling me i'm selfish for stealing 'their paid for space' (regardless of which space i'm in as well). nope. there are loads of spaces allocated to your company and i very much doubt you have a specific one allocated. also i'd be absolutely taken aback if you actually have to pay extra for a space, particularly given they're not all used and so who is paying for the extra ones?


----------



## Mumbles274 (Jul 18, 2016)

On the subject of notes on cars.. We put this one on a car that drove and parked along our one way street 












A 3 point turn was executed on their return to the car


----------



## Pickman's model (Jul 27, 2016)




----------



## Pickman's model (Jul 27, 2016)




----------



## purenarcotic (Jul 27, 2016)

These are okay but the lack of silly font and exclamation marks is disappointing


----------



## Pickman's model (Jul 27, 2016)

purenarcotic said:


> These are okay but the lack of silly font and exclamation marks is disappointing


yeh. but i have to make do with the material i receive and while i could put them in e.g. comic sans and add in additional punctuation i don't think that's wholly in keeping with Badgers' intentions from the op.


----------



## purenarcotic (Jul 27, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> yeh. but i have to make do with the material i receive and while i could put them in e.g. comic sans and add in additional punctuation i don't think that's wholly in keeping with Badgers' intentions from the op.



You should tell your managers that someone on the internet said they need to do better.


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 3, 2016)




----------



## equationgirl (Aug 3, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 90299


They would score higher if there was more drama 'aaaarrrrrgghhhh no coffee nooooo!!!!!!!!'.  woefully factual and sensible - not why this thread exists


----------



## mauvais (Aug 3, 2016)

Pickman's model do you work on the abandoned set of The Poseidon Adventure or something? Almost all of your problems appear to involve water where it should or shouldn't be.


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 3, 2016)

mauvais said:


> Pickman's model do you work on the abandoned set of The Poseidon Adventure or something? Almost all of your problems appear to involve water where it should or shouldn't be.


that's libraries for you.


----------



## mauvais (Aug 3, 2016)

Have you tried filling it with and then emptying it of rice?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 3, 2016)

mauvais said:


> Have you tried filling it with and then emptying it of rice?



Filling his entire workplace with rice?


----------



## mauvais (Aug 3, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Filling his entire workplace with rice?


If it's good enough for Sir Duncan...

The Sir Duncan Rice Library | Library, Special Collections and Museums | Library, Special Collections and Museums | The University of Aberdeen

Also, think of the emails it would generate.


----------



## Libertad (Aug 3, 2016)

mauvais said:


> Have you tried filling it with and then emptying it of rice?



Probably worth a try, the mice would appreciate it.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 10, 2016)

Been a while, but worth the wait...






Spoiler: worse than Hitler


----------



## Mumbles274 (Aug 10, 2016)

I would find it hard to resist printing a picture of a huge manatee to put up in the kitchen 

In fact, I think I'm going to do it at work tomorrow anyway


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 12, 2016)

Badgers


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 13, 2016)

The bit about an infestation in the kettle really makes that email a bit special.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 13, 2016)

equationgirl said:


> The bit about an infestation in the kettle really makes that email a bit special.



I wondered that too - infestation of what exactly?  Not much can survive an environment that it repeatedly raised to boiling point.  Although I did once find a dead insect in the little mesh filter in the spout of a kettle years ago - the poor thing had obviously visited the kettle for some water but then got steamed alive when one of us had switched the kettle on.  Didn't notice it for a long time so brews had added insect juice.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Aug 13, 2016)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 13, 2016)

Puddy_Tat said:


>



Nowt wrong with a bit of healthy steamed insect juice.  It's gut juices must have slowly dripped into the kettle.


----------



## Schmetterling (Aug 13, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 90707
> 
> Badgers



Not happy with that email; not happy at all: the writer should have inserted 'other brands are available' each time they mentioned Russel Hobbs and Igenix! *shakes fist


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 13, 2016)

Schmetterling said:


> Not happy with that email; not happy at all: the writer should have inserted 'other brands are available' each time they mentioned Russel Hobbs and Igenix! *shakes fist


Shameless brand plugging - no use of appropriate registered trademarks either.


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 19, 2016)

Badgers


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 23, 2016)




----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 25, 2016)




----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 25, 2016)

What sort of sentence is that?


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 25, 2016)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> View attachment 91513
> 
> 
> What sort of sentence is that?


yeh why would you keep tea bags in the fridge


----------



## Artaxerxes (Aug 25, 2016)

> *Subject:* IMPORTANT - Meeting Room 3
> 
> 
> 
> ...



We're all going to die.


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 26, 2016)




----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 30, 2016)

.


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 30, 2016)




----------



## existentialist (Aug 30, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 91726


They don't have much luck with plumbing in your place of work, do they?


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 30, 2016)

existentialist said:


> They don't have much luck with plumbing in your place of work, do they?


fortunately another site


----------



## emanymton (Aug 30, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 91583


My impression of you at work is that you sound about 25% of your time reading emails about broken coffee machines and 75% of your time posting on here.


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 1, 2016)




----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 9, 2016)




----------



## Artaxerxes (Sep 15, 2016)

> Hi All
> 
> 
> Thanks to all those who committed to either attend the Company family fun day or provided feedback.
> ...



Truly, a tragic loss for us all.


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 15, 2016)




----------



## ash (Sep 24, 2016)

Going through some old papers and found this classic oldie but goody


----------



## sorearm (Sep 26, 2016)

Don't jam the printer! 

(although it looks a bit like a paper thong ...  )


----------



## Schmetterling (Sep 30, 2016)

This is quite sweet; the bit in bold is the best!

*From:* XX
*Sent:* 30 September 2016 13:32
*To:* XX Users XX
*Subject:* XXAdministration - Laminator
Hi all,
The XX admin laminator was borrowed from our office by someone from XXXXX on Tuesday around 5pm to use to laminate some cards for the XXX. It hasn’t been returned and XXXXX couldn’t find it in their office when I called on Thursday 29th.
*If it’s gone somewhere else and someone spots a laminator that wasn’t there before*, please could you return it to the XXX admin office.
Many thanks!
Kind Regards,
*Nice Person*


----------



## UnderAnOpenSky (Oct 1, 2016)

Not annoying as such except the emails I receive in come from the sender "Mission Control"


----------



## Ted Striker (Oct 1, 2016)

Artaxerxes said:


> Truly, a tragic loss for us all.



*"The general feedback was around location, time and whether the proposed events had a broad enough appeal."*

Inclusivity amateurs.


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 2, 2016)

Badgers said:


> Had to type this one from a printed memo put on every desk today:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I hope you have a scanner now


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 21, 2016)




----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 28, 2016)

Notg a scold, but odd all the same...


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 28, 2016)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 28, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 94509


I'm sure you only send those e-mails round so you can steal your colleagues' food, as they'll assume the cleaners binned it.


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 28, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I'm sure you only send those e-mails round so you can steal your colleagues' food, as they'll assume the cleaners binned it.


these are emails to me and my colleagues, not from me to my colleagues.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 28, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> these are emails to me and my colleagues, not from me to my colleagues.


I believe you.


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 28, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I believe you.


can you honestly see me saying to my colleagues "i hope you are well" let alone "and are looking forward to the weekend"?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 28, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> can you honestly see me saying to my colleagues "i hope you are well" let alone "and are looking forward to the weekend"?


That's very true. You'd probably sign the message off with 'I hope you die'.


----------



## wtfftw (Oct 28, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> can you honestly see me saying to my colleagues "i hope you are well" let alone "and are looking forward to the weekend"?


I can see your scolding emails being much more scoldy.


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 2, 2016)




----------



## Libertad (Nov 2, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 94748



Your managers are doing a fine job of parenting your colleagues. Excepting your good self is your place of work staffed entirely by idiots?


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 2, 2016)

Libertad said:


> Your managers are doing a fine job of parenting your colleagues. Excepting your good self is your place of work staffed entirely by idiots?


much of the library's fine, it's the rest of the institution which has major issues.


----------



## Libertad (Nov 2, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> much of the library's fine, it's the rest of the institution which has major issues.



How are your mice doing?


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 2, 2016)

Libertad said:


> How are your mice doing?


oh, they're next door. we have cockroaches.


----------



## Libertad (Nov 2, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> oh, they're next door. we have cockroaches.



Nice, aspirational.


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 2, 2016)

Libertad said:


> Nice, aspirational.


yeh. but don't knock 'em, cockroach racing's grand


----------



## ElizabethofYork (Nov 2, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 94748



I like the way it starts so friendly and polite, then gets angry, then goes back to friendly and polite.


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 2, 2016)

ElizabethofYork said:


> I like the way it starts so friendly and polite, then gets angry, then goes back to friendly and polite.


yeh, it's one thing i'll miss when i leave the job


----------



## ffsear (Nov 2, 2016)

Always make friends with the IT guys so they have your back!!


*From:* Christian XXXXXX 
*Sent:* 07 October 2016 13:15
*To:* Charlie XXXXXX
*Subject:* Flagged websites


Charlie,


I try to clear down the restricted websites logs regularly but I think it’s only fair to warn you that your machine always flags up more times than all the others combined. Some of these are just side ad.’s and are beyond your control but some aren’t. Please be aware that this is recorded and any member of management can ask to see this at any time. There have been some recent concerns about IT security so we are tightening things up and it will only be a matter of time before someone asks me for access to these logs.

There is also a full record of all websites visited and that makes even worse reading, I’m surprised the system let you visit some of the sites as they look like they should be in the banned categories.


I know it’s been said before but it really would be a lot safer for both of us if you use your phone for the more questionable sites.


Chris


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 2, 2016)

watching porn at work :/ ^^^


----------



## dervish (Nov 2, 2016)

You owe IT a drink. 

I shudder to think about the sites that would show up on my machine, I often look at inappropriate sites at work (not porn!)


----------



## a_chap (Nov 2, 2016)

DotCommunist said:


> watching porn at work :/ ^^^



A long time ago I was the admin for a company's sole internet connection. One of the workers was accused of looking at porn on-line at work and I ended up with the job of checking the access logs to see whether he was in fact doing that. That meant I had to visit no end of sites to "verify" them.

It was hell.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Nov 2, 2016)

ffsear said:


> *To:* Charlie XXXXXX


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 2, 2016)

a_chap said:


> A long time ago I was the admin for a company's sole internet connection. One of the workers was accused of looking at porn on-line at work and I ended up with the job of checking the access logs to see whether he was in fact doing that. That meant I had to visit no end of sites to "verify" them.
> 
> It was hell.


rifling through another mans pornography choices, truly a grim task


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 10, 2016)

Badgers


----------



## extra dry (Nov 10, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 95280
> 
> Badgers


I see thick woolen clothes and longjohns in your future.


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 10, 2016)

extra dry said:


> I see thick woolen clothes and longjohns in your future.


i work in a different building


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 13, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> i work in a different building


Remember the law says minimum temperature for indoors work is 16C


----------



## TikkiB (Nov 13, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 95280
> 
> Badgers


I like the fact they explain why there is a problem.  

I'm currently working in the V&A, and the heating has only just been switched on, by the Natural History Museum, who apparently control the V&A's boilers.


----------



## Santino (Nov 14, 2016)

Could the title of this thread be changed to 'All the emails Pickman's model gets at work'?


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 14, 2016)

Santino said:


> Could the title of this thread be changed to 'All the emails Pickman's model gets at work'?


This


----------



## StoneRoad (Nov 14, 2016)

Our site has just been sold, the new landlords have yet to arrange for the little things like cleaning the site toilets.
They will shortly become hazardous to health - the one sink was already disgusting over a week ago ! (some people seem unable to rinse the sink after using "degreaser" to remove "oil").
The very polite request to keep the place clean and civilised was torn down the day after it was put up, and I'm not cleaning up after a bunch of supposedly adult males ...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 14, 2016)

Santino said:


> Could the title of this thread be changed to 'All the emails Pickman's model *sends* at work'?


That might be more accurate.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 18, 2016)

> Dear All,
> 
> 
> Please be advised that today’s Fire Alarm Test will need to be cancelled due to FAS contractors working with the Fire Alarm System. Please find my apologies for any inconvenience caused.





So inconvenient


----------



## Mr Retro (Nov 18, 2016)

Good morning


If you have removed the glass board erasers from the xxxx and xxxxx meeting rooms can you please arrange to return these to the rooms.


Thanks and Kind Regards


----------



## Mr Retro (Nov 18, 2016)

Good afternoon


Can you please let Central Admin know whenever you are expecting any visitors so that it can be entered into the diary.


This will save any confusion to both the receptionists and the visitor concerned.


----------



## a_chap (Nov 18, 2016)




----------



## Me76 (Nov 18, 2016)

(((Michelle)))

Great use of pictures there.  Love the scary robot, softened by the smiley white poo in the bottom corner.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Nov 18, 2016)

"Yeah sorry left a massive cable in there just now, blocked the whole thing, mind coming down with a plunger?"

Realistic email.


----------



## strung out (Nov 18, 2016)

On the fridge at work


----------



## a_chap (Nov 18, 2016)

Me76 said:


> (((Michelle)))
> 
> Great use of pictures there.  Love the scary robot, softened by the smiley white poo in the bottom corner.



Smiley white poo? I thought it was a weetabix???


----------



## Me76 (Nov 18, 2016)

a_chap said:


> Smiley white poo? I thought it was a weetabix???


I realised as I started the post I had no idea what it was, but the smile balanced the angry at the top. I am not sure it's a poo or a weetabix. Looking back I think it's maybe a ghost coming out of the ground, but I don't get what that has to do with dirty toilets?


----------



## quiet guy (Nov 19, 2016)

It's the headstone that Michelle will provide you with if you leave the loo in a grotty state


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 23, 2016)

i missed this one from the summer




Badgers


----------



## extra dry (Nov 23, 2016)

strung out said:


> On the fridge at work
> 
> View attachment 95756


I can not put my finger on it but someone needs to brush up on the grammar. please please.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Nov 25, 2016)

> Whoever put the coffee machine on last has done something wrong and it’s overflowed.
> 
> 
> Please go and clean it up.
> ...




I swear I read a Red Dwarf novel where this happens... and a Terry Pratchett novel...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Dec 6, 2016)

> Morning Everyone,
> 
> 
> The fire alarm went off this morning, I got everyone out of the building.
> ...


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 8, 2016)




----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Dec 16, 2016)

Midnight fire alarms now...




> Dear All,
> 
> 
> Please be advised that today’s 3pm Fire Alarm Test will be cancelled. Instead next Fire Alarm Test will be carried out on Wednesday 21st December at 12:00am.
> ...


----------



## a_chap (Dec 16, 2016)

Bowls,mugs, cutlery.

In. The. Toilets.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 16, 2016)

a_chap said:


> View attachment 97263
> 
> Bowls,mugs, cuttlery.
> 
> In. The. Toilets.


Probably in the basins not the urinals or cubicles. I often see people brushing their teeth and occasionally shaving in the toilet basins


----------



## a_chap (Dec 16, 2016)

Pickman's model said:


> Probably in the basins not the urinals or cubicles.



You clearly have a more optimistic view of our employees than I do.


----------



## sorearm (Dec 23, 2016)




----------



## Sasaferrato (Dec 23, 2016)

fractionMan said:


> I got one in all capitals the other day


who was the tosser that doesn't know 'there' from 'their'


----------



## Sasaferrato (Dec 23, 2016)

strung out said:


> On the fridge at work
> 
> View attachment 95756


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 6, 2017)

> Hi All,
> 
> 
> There is currently no water in the Ladies & Gents toilets, Jar*** is aware and looking into it.


----------



## marty21 (Jan 6, 2017)

a_chap said:


> View attachment 97263
> 
> Bowls,mugs, cutlery.
> 
> In. The. Toilets.


dirty fuckers


----------



## kabbes (Jan 7, 2017)

Jar Jar?


----------



## Pickman's model (Jan 18, 2017)




----------



## a_chap (Jan 18, 2017)

Hardly "scolding". You're getting thin skinned Pickers, old chap.

And do stop smoking in the toilets, ok?


----------



## Pickman's model (Jan 18, 2017)

a_chap said:


> Hardly "scolding". You're getting thin skinned Pickers, old chap.
> 
> And do stop smoking in the toilets, ok?


Don't need to, there's a perfectly good fire escape


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 2, 2017)




----------



## two sheds (Feb 2, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 95280
> 
> Badgers



"We will confirm when the heating is working again."

You'd hope that people would notice when the heating is working again.


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 2, 2017)

two sheds said:


> "We will confirm when the heating is working again."
> 
> You'd hope that people would notice when the heating is working again.


you would, yes


----------



## tedsplitter (Feb 3, 2017)

From: Person 3
Subject: RE: X
Date: 30 November 2016 at 14:56:04 GMT
To: Person 1
Cc: Person 1’s Manager and Person 4

Hi Person 1

Without wanting to sound too harsh, can you not refer to people in the team as minions. If it is a data request this would ideally go to myself or Person 4 in the first instance ideally with some understanding of why you want it, the deadline for providing it and exactly what other details you require

Please send this to me and Person 4 when you have confirmed!

Ta

Person 3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Person 2 
Sent: 30 November 2016 14:46
To: Person 3
Subject: FW: X



From: Person 1 
Sent: 30 November 2016 14:41
To: Person 2
Subject: X

Hi Person 2,

Could you, or an appropriate minion, set up spreadsheet of [X]? We don’t need more information than that but if it makes it easier to include other details then feel free to include them. 

If you need any further details please let me know.

Kind regards,
Person 1


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 3, 2017)

Underling works just as well as minion.


----------



## Schmetterling (Feb 3, 2017)

Or resend to say: 'Could you, or an equally important person, do a spread sheet, etc etc?'


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Feb 4, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Underling works just as well as minion.


"Could you, or one of your gnomes..."


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 4, 2017)

FridgeMagnet said:


> "Could you, or one of your gnomes..."



Gimps goes down well too.


----------



## existentialist (Feb 5, 2017)

"factota". They'd at least have to use a dictionary to be offended.


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 7, 2017)

not a scolding email but i thought you might like it



those of us who didn't know where the key to the poison cupboard was, or even that there was a poison cupboard, now do

Badgers


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 7, 2017)

not scolding either but there you go


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 7, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 100083
> 
> not scolding either but there you go



What sort of musical instrument?


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 7, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> What sort of musical instrument?


a tuba


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 7, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 100083
> 
> not scolding either but there you go


What's in the suitcase?


----------



## Mumbles274 (Feb 7, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> What's in the suitcase?


The Tuba owner?


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 7, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> What's in the suitcase?


that i do not know but i didn't like the smell of it


----------



## Schmetterling (Feb 7, 2017)

Mumbles274 said:


> The Tuba owner?



Poisoned by the poison from the poison   cabinet on the 2nd floor!


----------



## Mumbles274 (Feb 7, 2017)

Schmetterling said:


> Poisoned by the poison from the poison   cabinet on the 2nd floor!


In the atrium no less!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 7, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> What's in the suitcase?



A potato


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 8, 2017)

I enjoyed all the answers, thank you 

It does sound like the tuba owner has come to an unfortunate end - this is what happens when the location of the key to the poisons cupboard is advertised...


----------



## tim (Feb 8, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> I enjoyed all the answers, thank you
> 
> It does sound like the tuba owner has come to an unfortunate end - this is what happens when the location of the key to the poisons cupboard is advertised...



He or she probably blew their brains out.


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 10, 2017)

tim said:


> He or she probably blew their brains out.


For a minute I was a bit wtf then I got the joke


----------



## A380 (Feb 12, 2017)

Mumbles274 said:


> In the atrium no less!


Toby the Tuba-ist in the Atrium with the poison?


----------



## Badgers (Feb 13, 2017)

> Hi All,
> 
> Just wanted to email you all as the kitchen is looking a complete mess and the notice to keep the kitchen clean are being ignored.
> 
> ...


----------



## sorearm (Feb 15, 2017)

Minions is awesome. I like being referred to as a minion. Minions are cool. Have you seen the fart gun???


----------



## billy_bob (Feb 16, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> not a scolding email but i thought you might like it
> 
> View attachment 100082
> 
> ...



But _why _is there a poison cupboard? It seems like some kind of test. Like installing a Forbidden Filing Cabinet of Beguiling Mystery and then threatening anyone who looks in it with the sack.


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 16, 2017)

billy_bob said:


> But _why _is there a poison cupboard? It seems like some kind of test. Like installing a Forbidden Filing Cabinet of Beguiling Mystery and then threatening anyone who looks in it with the sack.


i don't know why there is a poison cupboard but i know why, for me, it is there, as it should ease my way as i climb the ladder of library management.


----------



## billy_bob (Feb 16, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> i don't know why there is a poison cupboard but i know why, for me, it is there, as it should ease my way as i climb the ladder of library management.



I _knew_ I knew ye from somewhere....


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 18, 2017)

There's a chemical lab at my work where hypothetically poisons could be purveyed...

I don't want to be a manager though.


----------



## youbeauty (Feb 27, 2017)

More information required:


----------



## a_chap (Feb 27, 2017)

Arbitrarily using a door.

What would they prefer you use? The window?


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Feb 27, 2017)

You could also just burst through the wall like the Kool Aid man. Wilfully choosing to use the door every time you want to move between two rooms is simply unreasonable.


----------



## kabbes (Feb 27, 2017)

youbeauty said:


> More information required:


I'm nicking that for my own office.


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 1, 2017)




----------



## skyscraper101 (Mar 1, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 101324



That's a pretty standard notice? Perhaps 'safe to use' is a bit OTT but am I missing a LOL here? The blank space maybe??


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 1, 2017)

skyscraper101 said:


> That's a pretty standard notice? Perhaps 'safe to use' is a bit OTT but am I missing a LOL here?


pretty standard? working there for years and it's never happened before.


----------



## skyscraper101 (Mar 1, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> pretty standard? working there for years and it's never happened before.



what's never happened before? The fridge not working? Or getting a notice about it not working?


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 1, 2017)

skyscraper101 said:


> what's never happened before? The fridge not working? Or getting a notice about it not working?


both


----------



## skyscraper101 (Mar 1, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> both



Ah. That is so LOL man.


----------



## a_chap (Mar 1, 2017)

They work in a library and wrote "Buildings team"


----------



## Wilf (Mar 1, 2017)

Schmetterling said:


> This is quite sweet; the bit in bold is the best!
> 
> *From:* XX
> *Sent:* 30 September 2016 13:32
> ...


In the Book of Revelations, _Laminators Appearing in Places Where they Weren't Previously_ indicates the Seventh Seal. I'd be a bit careful.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Mar 1, 2017)

Lamination is a Big Fucking Deal. It turns a bit of paper that anyone could print out into a proper dictat, which is more important the more bureaucratic the environment. I temped in the prison service once and had a key for the laminator - I was constantly approached by people trying to persuade me that their bit of paper should be laminated, because basically once that had happened whatever was on the paper might as well be holy writ.


----------



## Wilf (Mar 2, 2017)

FridgeMagnet said:


> Lamination is a Big Fucking Deal. It turns a bit of paper that anyone could print out into a proper dictat, which is more important the more bureaucratic the environment. I temped in the prison service once and had a key for the laminator - I was constantly approached by people trying to persuade me that their bit of paper should be laminated, because basically once that had happened whatever was on the paper might as well be holy writ.


_He Who Controls the Spice Laminator Controls the Universe_.


----------



## souljacker (Mar 2, 2017)

skyscraper101 said:


> Ah. That is so LOL man.



Pickers posts on this thread are never LOL. They are usually just statements of fact. I'm not sure why he bothers.


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 7, 2017)

Badgers, this definitely is a scolding email


----------



## dervish (Mar 7, 2017)

I thought that had been signed by Badgers then.


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 7, 2017)

dervish said:


> I thought that had been signed by Badgers then.


edited to remove confusion


----------



## Sapphireblue (Mar 9, 2017)

i have just had the most ridiculous note-based exchange with some bitch who works in the same building (not same company).

someone has been stealing my milk from the shared kitchen. not a couple of cups of tea worth, a couple of bowls of cereal worth. so i put a note on saying stop stealing this.

the bitch then put a note on saying 'only if you stop cutting your nails into the sink in the toilets' *

i didn't think it was that likely it was her stealing the milk, but i pretended to believe that and responded with 'and that concerns you HOW, thief?'

she then left practically an essay about my unhygenic ways.

i removed all the notes except for the first and look forward to encountering her in the communal areas! 

my extreme rage has diminished enough that i am now planning to patronise her about how she should have spoken to me directly like a grown-up.


* this is indeed something i've done a few times due to the good lighting. i'm aware that some people might consider this unhygenic but my hands are clean and the sinks get cleaned every single day. also, i wash them down the sink, i'm not an animal.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 9, 2017)

Sapphireblue said:


> i have just had the most ridiculous note-based exchange with some bitch who works in the same building (not same company).
> 
> someone has been stealing my milk from the shared kitchen. not a couple of cups of tea worth, a couple of bowls of cereal worth. so i put a note on saying stop stealing this.
> 
> ...



That's incredible


----------



## joustmaster (Mar 9, 2017)

Its still a bit grim


----------



## Sapphireblue (Mar 9, 2017)

joustmaster said:


> Its still a bit grim



The nail cutting? I don't get it, why? There's no trace left for the next user.


----------



## maomao (Mar 9, 2017)

I cut my fingernails in the office and probably only get 70-80% in the bin. And my hands probably aren't as cleans as Sapphireblue 's. Doing it in the bogs seems borderline OCD to me.


----------



## Sapphireblue (Mar 9, 2017)

maomao said:


> I cut my fingernails in the office and probably only get 70-80% in the bin. And my hands probably aren't as cleans as Sapphireblue 's. Doing it in the bogs seems borderline OCD to me.



Yeah that was my thinking. It's either in the office where strays go onto the carpet which is cleaned once a week, or in the loos which get cleaned every single day.


----------



## a_chap (Mar 9, 2017)

I kid you not. This appeared on a cupboard door this week.




Even if you ignore my outrage at the missing apostrophe (  ) that's proper threatening, no?


----------



## Schmetterling (Mar 9, 2017)

Sapphireblue said:


> i have just had the most ridiculous note-based exchange with some bitch who works in the same building (not same company).
> 
> someone has been stealing my milk from the shared kitchen. not a couple of cups of tea worth, a couple of bowls of cereal worth. so i put a note on saying stop stealing this.
> 
> ...



Was her note hand written? I think you have a written confession there!


----------



## Schmetterling (Mar 9, 2017)

Dp


----------



## equationgirl (Mar 11, 2017)

Sapphireblue said:


> Yeah that was my thinking. It's either in the office where strays go onto the carpet which is cleaned once a week, or in the loos which get cleaned every single day.


I wish some of my colleagues had done this. One of them left nail clippings in his desk drawers.


----------



## Sapphireblue (Mar 11, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> I wish some of my colleagues had done this. One of them left nail clippings in his desk drawers.



i suppose at least he kept them to himself? um. oddness.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 11, 2017)

Sapphireblue said:


> i suppose at least he kept them to himself? um. oddness.



We all need a hobby.


----------



## equationgirl (Mar 11, 2017)

Sapphireblue said:


> i suppose at least he kept them to himself? um. oddness.


If only he'd emptied them out of the drawer unit when he left...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 14, 2017)

a_chap said:


> I kid you not. This appeared on a cupboard door this week.
> 
> 
> View attachment 101914
> ...




What is that? A place where smokers can be executed?


----------



## tim (Mar 14, 2017)

a_chap said:


> I kid you not. This appeared on a cupboard door this week.
> 
> 
> [ATTACH01914[/ATTACH]
> ...




Put a tray of smouldering aromatic wood  chips on the floor and suspend a couple of salmon and some bland Barbarian cheese


----------



## existentialist (Mar 15, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> What is that? A place where smokers can be executed?


Do they get a last cigarette?


----------



## dervish (Mar 15, 2017)

Sapphireblue said:


> i have just had the most ridiculous note-based exchange with some bitch who works in the same building (not same company).
> 
> someone has been stealing my milk from the shared kitchen. not a couple of cups of tea worth, a couple of bowls of cereal worth. so i put a note on saying stop stealing this.
> 
> ...




I don't understand, why would you cut your nails at work anyway? Can't you wait till you get home?

I don't think it's particularly unhygienic but I think it's really weird to do it at work, unless there's something I'm missing.


----------



## Sapphireblue (Mar 15, 2017)

dervish said:


> I don't understand, why would you cut your nails at work anyway? Can't you wait till you get home?
> 
> I don't think it's particularly unhygienic but I think it's really weird to do it at work, unless there's something I'm missing.



i have netball straight from work on a monday and my nails have to be short. sometimes i don't get a chance at the weekend to do them. 

and did i mention the great lighting?


----------



## sojourner (Mar 15, 2017)

I've never cut my nails in work in nearly 30 years of working. I also think it's weird. Surely you have lights at home? Get underneath them. I have to wear my reading glasses to cut my nails these days, and under a good light.


----------



## tim (Mar 15, 2017)

Bite them chew them up and spit them on her back


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 15, 2017)

Sapphireblue said:


> i have netball straight from work on a monday and my nails have to be short. sometimes i don't get a chance at the weekend to do them.
> 
> and did i mention the great lighting?


Do your nails grow abnormally quickly?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 15, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Do your nails grow abnormally quickly?



(((Bamboo-nails)))


----------



## Sapphireblue (Mar 15, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Do your nails grow abnormally quickly?


Not to my knowledge! They have to be proper short though so have to be done within the last day or so.


----------



## Sapphireblue (Mar 16, 2017)

i love how the focus is on the nail cutting and not on the fact that some random bitch thought the most appropriate way to compain about said cutting was to attach an anonymous scolding note to my milk in the communal kitchen. 

i really don't see the nail thing as any different to any other personal grooming in the office. Loads of people do their makeup in the loos if they're going out straight from work. i do my nails sometimes if i'm netballing straight from work. should the make up people have worn a full face of slap all day just because it should be done at home? nope.


----------



## sojourner (Mar 16, 2017)

Don't you think it's interesting/illuminating how many other people, other than 'random bitch', think it's weird though?

Make up people will be wearing it all day anyway. Plus, they're not casting waste product from themselves into a communal area.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 16, 2017)

Where do people stand on scrapping nob-cheese on to the chopping board in the kitchen?


----------



## sojourner (Mar 16, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Where do people standing on scrapping nob-cheese on to the chopping board in the kitchen?


----------



## Sapphireblue (Mar 16, 2017)

sojourner said:


> Don't you think it's interesting/illuminating how many other people, other than 'random bitch', think it's weird though?
> 
> Make up people will be wearing it all day anyway. Plus, they're not casting waste product from themselves into a communal area.



washing waste product down a sink would be more accurate. as i've said at least once, there's no trace for anyone else.

also, a couple of people have said it's fine and people are more likely to comment if they disagree with a thing.

tbh, i had never considered it before because i don't see a problem with it, but if someone had said something to me directly my reaction would have been to apologise and stop doing it, i'm not unreasonable.

my rage/bewilderment was not to the objection but to the method.


----------



## ElizabethofYork (Mar 16, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Where do people standing on scrapping nob-cheese on to the chopping board in the kitchen?



As far away as possible.


----------



## Teaboy (Mar 30, 2017)

As nice as this email sounds the use of the word amnesty is an interesting choice.

_Ladies and Gentleman,
There is going to be a Hi-Vis Vest Amnesty next week Monday 3rd April – 7th April 2017.

Please have a look in your cars and at home behind the sofa (you never know!).

If you find that you have accumulated a few, please bring them back to reception so I can replenish the vest wardrobe, as it is feeling lonely without them.


Please help to make a wardrobe happy again.


Many thanks for everyone’s co-operation._


----------



## Fuzzy (Mar 30, 2017)

Sapphireblue said:


> i love how the focus is on the nail cutting and not on the fact that some random bitch thought the most appropriate way to compain about said cutting was to attach an anonymous scolding note to my milk in the communal kitchen.
> 
> i really don't see the nail thing as any different to any other personal grooming in the office. Loads of people do their makeup in the loos if they're going out straight from work. i do my nails sometimes if i'm netballing straight from work. should the make up people have worn a full face of slap all day just because it should be done at home? nope.


 
i'm intrigued how she managed to make the connection between your nails and milk.  she must have been stalking you to see who the nail culprit was and then she came up with a devious scheme to get you back.


----------



## Sapphireblue (Mar 30, 2017)

Fuzzy said:


> i'm intrigued how she managed to make the connection between your nails and milk.  she must have been stalking you to see who the nail culprit was and then she came up with a devious scheme to get you back.



yeah it's very odd. she obviously knows who i am but i don't know for sure who she is. and she wasn't actually the milk thief, she just thought that was an appropriate way to raise a completely unrelated thing!

i'm fairly certain i know who it was, just because everyone apart from one person has always been friendly or at least polite in the communal areas.


----------



## Fuzzy (Mar 31, 2017)

cant you just stick something unpleasant in the milk and wait for her to use it again?


----------



## Schmetterling (Mar 31, 2017)

Fuzzy said:


> cant you just stick something unpleasant in the milk and wait for her to use it again?



Like nailclippings?


----------



## Wilf (Mar 31, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Where do people stand on scrapping nob-cheese on to the chopping board in the kitchen?


To be honest, any employer seeking _Investors in People_ status needs to take the needs of the nob cheese community very seriously.


----------



## nogojones (Mar 31, 2017)

dervish said:


> I don't understand, why would you cut your nails at work anyway? Can't you wait till you get home?
> 
> I don't think it's particularly unhygienic but I think it's really weird to do it at work, unless there's something I'm missing.


They grow in works time - cut them in works time. Save your home time for more enjoyable activities


----------



## nogojones (Mar 31, 2017)

Sapphireblue said:


> i have just had the most ridiculous note-based exchange with some bitch who works in the same building (not same company).
> 
> someone has been stealing my milk from the shared kitchen. not a couple of cups of tea worth, a couple of bowls of cereal worth. so i put a note on saying stop stealing this.
> 
> ...



Does she use your milk on cereal? If so dump a load of tonail clippings in her museli. She'll get the hint


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 31, 2017)

Fuzzy said:


> cant you just stick something unpleasant in the milk and wait for her to use it again?



A bottle full of spunk should do the trick.  It would look approximately like milk - although collecting that amount might be a problem.


----------



## Wilf (Mar 31, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> A bottle full of spunk should do the trick.  It would look approximately like milk - *although collecting that amount might be a problem. *


Have a few friends over.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 31, 2017)

Wilf said:


> Have a few friends over.



I would, err, donate.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Apr 5, 2017)

My inbox:


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 25, 2017)




----------



## mrs quoad (Apr 25, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Where do people stand on scrapping nob-cheese on to the chopping board in the kitchen?


Not sure about the chopping board, but I try to make sure that all our white goods are smeg


----------



## dervish (Apr 25, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 105227




Think you win the thread!


----------



## Wilf (Apr 25, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 105227


Tobyjug knew how to deal with these lifthappy cunts.


----------



## billy_bob (Apr 25, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 105227



I thought you worked in a library or something. What the fuck...?


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 25, 2017)

billy_bob said:


> I thought you worked in a library or something. What the fuck...?


i do work in the library. but there are other things in the building as this post and the one about the poison cupboard key demonstrate.


----------



## DotCommunist (Apr 25, 2017)

nob cheese is not on the same level as nail clippings. Thats like comparing sarin gas attacks to a fart


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 25, 2017)

DotCommunist said:


> nob cheese is not on the same level as nail clippings. Thats like comparing sarin gas attacks to a fart



Yes, nail clippings are worse.


----------



## Wilf (Apr 25, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Yes, nail clippings are worse.


Nail clippings on a bed of nob cheese: The Great British Menu gone bad.


----------



## DotCommunist (Apr 25, 2017)

with a drizzle of man jus


----------



## billy_bob (Apr 25, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> i do work in the library. but there are other things in the building as this post and the one about the poison cupboard key demonstrate.



I was beginning to think it was some kind of crazy Umberto Eco-type library full of weird sects of fanatics undertaking arcane, unnatural experiments...


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 25, 2017)

billy_bob said:


> I was beginning to think it was some kind of crazy Umberto Eco-type library full of weird sects of fanatics undertaking arcane, unnatural experiments...


yeh it is. but there are other people doing weird and occasionally wonderful things elsewhere in the building.


----------



## strung out (Apr 25, 2017)

Spotted in library I work in earlier today


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Apr 25, 2017)

You work in an illiterate library?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 25, 2017)

You have to correct that awful sign with a red pen.


----------



## billy_bob (Apr 25, 2017)

The use of 'machina' suggests a non-native English speaker with L1 interference rather than just a moron, so maybe we shouldn't be too harsh.

On the other hand, you should still write 'No, fuck off' at the bottom and sign it 'Samuel Johnson'.


----------



## mrs quoad (Apr 26, 2017)

> Dear Colleagues
> 
> I am writing to confirm that with immediate effect the Department of [feline studies] 'Help and Care' function will now be known as the '*SOMETHING ELSE*' team.
> 
> ...



Someone has clearly been sent something - or a set of things - that they shouldn't have seen!


----------



## mrs quoad (Apr 27, 2017)

student said:
			
		

> Hey Quoad
> When could I come see you?
> Thanks
> Student






			
				quoad said:
			
		

> Hi Student,
> Tomorrow morning or pretty much any time on Friday is fine.
> Quoad.






			
				student said:
			
		

> Hey
> I'm free tomorrow morning as well, what time should I meet you?
> Thanks
> Student






			
				quoad said:
			
		

> 9 o’clock, sharp?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


[Long delay before next email]



			
				student said:
			
		

> See you at 9.
> Thanks
> Student






			
				Quoad said:
			
		

> Hi Student,
> 
> My wife feels that I should confirm that you read my preceding message in its entirety before choosing 9.
> 
> ...






			
				student said:
			
		

> Hi Quoad
> Oh
> 9:30 so you can have a cuppa and settle down before I arrive
> Thanks
> Student


 

I enjoyed that.


----------



## kabbes (Apr 28, 2017)

mrs quoad said:


> [Long delay before next email]
> 
> I enjoyed that.


The student is an early riser (for a student, anyway -- for me, that's mid-morning) and has chosen to see you ASAP?  It's obviously something they find urgent.


----------



## redsquirrel (Apr 28, 2017)

dervish said:


> Think you win the thread!


Why? That's really sensible advice, that should be followed.

At the universities I've worked at someone traveling in the lift with liquid nitrogen would get a serious bollocking rather than an email.


----------



## mrs quoad (Apr 28, 2017)

kabbes said:


> The student is an early riser (for a student, anyway -- for me, that's mid-morning) and has chosen to see you ASAP?  It's obviously something they find urgent.


It was general advice on an assignment that they hadn't even begun doing the reading for 

I later clarified with him that he had not read anything other than the first line of the relevant email, but was happy to be up "earlier than usual" 

I see this as solid workforce preparation.


----------



## mrs quoad (Apr 28, 2017)

By coincidence, he's also the student who submitted this.



My handwriting was clearly giving up at that point.


----------



## mrs quoad (Apr 28, 2017)

That actually ^^^^ led to the first ten minutes of a seminar being given over to discussing various moderately sized wildcat species, and ocelots (and Engine the Ocelot) in particular.

I was surprised by my students' ignorance.


----------



## dervish (Apr 28, 2017)

redsquirrel said:


> Why? That's really sensible advice, that should be followed.
> 
> At the universities I've worked at someone traveling in the lift with liquid nitrogen would get a serious bollocking rather than an email.



I don't disagree, but it's a great scold. The email has a point.


----------



## May Kasahara (May 3, 2017)

DotCommunist said:


> nob cheese is not on the same level as nail clippings. Thats like comparing sarin gas attacks to a fart



Precious little difference where my son's farts are concerned


----------



## Corax (May 3, 2017)

mrs quoad said:


> That actually ^^^^ led to the first ten minutes of a seminar being given over to discussing various moderately sized wildcat species, and ocelots (and Engine the Ocelot) in particular.
> 
> I was surprised by my students' ignorance.


What about Otterocelots?


----------



## Pickman's model (May 4, 2017)




----------



## Badgers (May 4, 2017)




----------



## Badgers (May 4, 2017)




----------



## Corax (May 4, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 105910


Can you raise twenty quid a month between you with a whip round?

Just to leave one of these on the draining board every day, even if they get binned.

Bulk Buy Pack of 36 Athena Hotelware Oatmeal Bowls 153mm - S562 - Buy Online at Nisbets


----------



## Orang Utan (May 4, 2017)

Who left food in the fridge? The rise of the 'Dark Knight' workplace vigilante


----------



## Badgers (May 4, 2017)

It has been a rich full day of scolding


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 4, 2017)

Badgers said:


> It has been a rich full day of scolding



Heh, this is becoming an annual event from BB1's school:



> Dear Parents/Carers
> 
> The Governors' Annual Meeting with Parents, scheduled for 6.00pm on Thursday 4 May, has been *cancelled* as there have been no expressions of interest from parents. Should any parent wish to raise a query with a Governor, please contact the Clerk...


----------



## noodles (May 4, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 105910



Two notes have been left on the draining board, who do I report this to?


----------



## Badgers (May 4, 2017)

Tomorrow (allegedly) all crockery and cutlery will be gone from the work kitchen. I am planning to bring in random cutlery/utensils (whisk, melon baller, etc) and leave one on the draining board each day or so...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 5, 2017)

The flaw in their plan is that they are forcing you to bring in your own plates, bowls and cutlery. Which you will need to leave to dry on the draining board before taking them home at the end of each day...


----------



## Puddy_Tat (May 5, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> The flaw in their plan is that they are forcing you to bring in your own plates, bowls and cutlery. Which you will need to leave to dry on the draining board before taking them home at the end of each day...


or before someone else takes them home


----------



## 5t3IIa (May 5, 2017)

Badgers said:


> Tomorrow (allegedly) all crockery and cutlery will be gone from the work kitchen. I am planning to bring in random cutlery/utensils (whisk, melon baller, etc) and leave one on the draining board each day or so...


You can leave one gravy boat per day


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 5, 2017)

Puddy_Tat said:


> or before someone else takes them home



Which gives the opportunity to leave multiple notices moaning about the bowl thief...


----------



## Corax (May 5, 2017)

Badgers said:


> Tomorrow (allegedly) all crockery and cutlery will be gone from the work kitchen. I am planning to bring in random cutlery/utensils (whisk, melon baller, etc) and leave one on the draining board each day or so...


Random utensils is a great idea, the more obscure the better.  You could even up it after a while - do you have any hand-tools you don't want/need?  Start leaving a small hacksaw or a chisel out to drain.

How are they with fridge nazism?  I'm thinking you could photoshop a few labels to stick on produce with use-by dates of 1832.


----------



## extra dry (May 9, 2017)

strung out said:


> View attachment 105240
> Spotted in library I work in earlier today



In which country is this library?


----------



## strung out (May 9, 2017)

extra dry said:


> In which country is this library?


Bristol


----------



## Orang Utan (May 9, 2017)

Corax said:


> Random utensils is a great idea, the more obscure the better.  You could even up it after a while - do you have any hand-tools you don't want/need?  Start leaving a small hacksaw or a chisel out to drain.


Or a potty. Or even several potties. And a toilet brush.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 9, 2017)

Orang Utan said:


> Or a potty. Or even several potties. And a toilet brush.



A fleshlight left to dry on the draining board would hit the sweetest of sweet-spots.


----------



## Treacle Toes (May 22, 2017)




----------



## extra dry (May 23, 2017)

Rutita1 said:


> View attachment 107397


Just  need to add: Follow these instructions or you will taken for re-education.


----------



## Teaboy (May 25, 2017)

extra dry said:


> Just  need to add: Follow these instructions or you will taken for re-education.



Yes but remember to add a smiley face as well.......


----------



## A380 (May 25, 2017)

Rutita1 said:


> View attachment 107397


Nice rules for a primary school class...


----------



## moonsi til (May 28, 2017)

I loathe the term delegates. I co-facilitate (argh to that too) and the course content strongly encourages us to call the attendees delegates.


----------



## extra dry (May 28, 2017)

Not an email but a public facebook update feom a member of front desk staff who is the biggest lier I ever met.  

"Working with selfish people makes me very very tired!!! How do u call Fair & Honest?  U never know these words!!! You want people to be fair and honest toward you? How could it be? Because all you did, we call SELFISH!!!! 
Better accept the truth and not try to accuse that the others are lying or not honest to you. And you will see this world is beautiful to live."  

Any advice on a reply or how to smooth things over?


----------



## Puddy_Tat (May 29, 2017)

extra dry said:


> Any advice on a reply or how to smooth things over?



i'd say tread carefully, and read your organisation's social media policy (if they have one) before going anywhere near it.  if your colleague wants to risk a 'bringing company into disrepute' situation, that's their problem.  not sure that getting involved would help...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 29, 2017)

Puddy_Tat said:


> i'd say tread carefully, and read your organisation's social media policy (if they have one) before going anywhere near it.  if your colleague wants to risk a 'bringing company into disrepute' situation, that's their problem.  not sure that getting involved would help...


This. It's just not worth the risk of getting dragged into a potential investigation because an idiot you work with starts slagging off work.


----------



## mx wcfc (May 29, 2017)

Work and social media do not mix. And stay out of it as advised above.


----------



## billy_bob (May 29, 2017)

Corax said:


> Random utensils is a great idea, the more obscure the better.  You could even up it after a while - do you have any hand-tools you don't want/need?  Start leaving a small hacksaw or a chisel out to drain.



Great opportunity for future scolding notes there: "Can whoever took the melon baller and nutmeg grater left here on Tuesday last week please return them immediately. Regards."


----------



## Celyn (May 29, 2017)

extra dry said:


> Not an email but a public facebook update feom a member of front desk staff who is the biggest lier I ever met.
> 
> "Working with selfish people makes me very very tired!!! How do u call Fair & Honest?  U never know these words!!! You want people to be fair and honest toward you? How could it be? Because all you did, we call SELFISH!!!!
> Better accept the truth and not try to accuse that the others are lying or not honest to you. And you will see this world is beautiful to live."
> ...


Don't reply, and find some other entrance/exit to use for when this weirdo goes postal.

It's scarcely possible to reply anyway, as it's mostly gibberish.


----------



## extra dry (May 29, 2017)

Celyn said:


> Don't reply, and find some other entrance/exit to use for when this weirdo goes postal.
> 
> It's scarcely possible to reply anyway, as it's mostly gibberish.


 The person is Thai so English is a second language. It is so strange as the person has form for lying and being an insufferable pain in the neck.


----------



## Celyn (May 29, 2017)

Ah, if the person is Thai, then the odd English is fine. As for the rest of it, perhaps it's not all that strange for someone to be fiercely accusing others of exactly the same misbehaviour that they do.


----------



## A380 (May 29, 2017)

extra dry said:


> Not an email but a public facebook update feom a member of front desk staff who is the biggest lier I ever met.
> 
> "Working with selfish people makes me very very tired!!! How do u call Fair & Honest?  U never know these words!!! You want people to be fair and honest toward you? How could it be? Because all you did, we call SELFISH!!!!
> Better accept the truth and not try to accuse that the others are lying or not honest to you. And you will see this world is beautiful to live."
> ...


Ignore the advice so far. Post a picture of your genitalia with your company logo drawn in with body paint. The directors will love your no nonsense approach and promote you immediately.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 29, 2017)

A380 said:


> Ignore the advice so far. Post a picture of your genitalia with your company logo drawn in with body paint. The directors will love your no nonsense approach and promote you immediately.


I pity the poor person who has to carry out the disciplinary investigation, having to look at that evidence.


----------



## extra dry (May 30, 2017)

A380 said:


> Ignore the advice so far. Post a picture of your genitalia with your company logo drawn in with body paint. The directors will love your no nonsense approach and promote you immediately.


Sterling idea, I m just a tad body shy so I pass on this advice


----------



## Treacle Toes (May 30, 2017)

extra dry said:


> Not an email but a public facebook update feom a member of front desk staff who is the biggest lier I ever met.
> 
> "Working with selfish people makes me very very tired!!! How do u call Fair & Honest?  U never know these words!!! You want people to be fair and honest toward you? How could it be? Because all you did, we call SELFISH!!!!
> Better accept the truth and not try to accuse that the others are lying or not honest to you. And you will see this world is beautiful to live."
> ...


What makes you think they are talking about you or that you need to respond?

Also if this colleague is a nightmare why not delete them or put them on a limited profile at the very least?


----------



## extra dry (May 30, 2017)

Rutita1 said:


> What makes you think they are talking about you or that you need to respond?
> 
> Also if this colleague is a nightmare why not delete them or put them on a limited profile at the very least?



I work in a small private language school, 1 branch manager, 4 front desk staff, 20 teachers and I the headteacher.

 This message is from one of the the front desk staff, who I and everyone else has to interact with everyday. 
 The message is refering to one teacher, who has worked in our school for about 7 years, all because he questioned why a student was moved off his schdule and given to one of the new teachers. 

  I go back to work on wednesday so I will see how things are going. I will block the employee on facebook in a few weeks, I will have to wait a little while till this is resolved.


----------



## extra dry (May 31, 2017)

All nicey nicey today. Got donuts for staff and have one teacher getting his nonB visa/work permit happy days for the moment.


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 2, 2017)

not a scolding email, but an amusing one nonetheless


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 8, 2017)




----------



## extra dry (Jun 8, 2017)

Move up to another self? Wow enlightenment all in one lunchtime.


----------



## trashpony (Jun 12, 2017)

I am doing a temp job and this note came round:



> Hi everyone,
> 
> I know that there was quite a lot of disappointment yesterday with the news of the drinks trolley’s demise. I’ve spoke to Tim about it yesterday and I thought it might be helpful for everyone to understand why this decision was made;
> 
> ...



People abusing free booze? Never!


----------



## moonsi til (Jun 12, 2017)

Lol I thought drinks trolley was a person bringing hot drinks! Ffs £100,000 per year!


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jun 12, 2017)




----------



## equationgirl (Jun 13, 2017)

That's a lot of booze - they should have put a cap on the number of drinks if they were that fussed, or only done it for a couple of hours.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jun 13, 2017)

The bog at my work:

 

Advice more than scolding but still.


----------



## Badgers (Jun 13, 2017)

Not my office but amusing.


----------



## Corax (Jun 13, 2017)

Badgers said:


> Not my office but amusing.
> 
> View attachment 109220


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 15, 2017)

not really scolding but i liked it


----------



## Idris2002 (Jun 16, 2017)

Our coffee wars have heated up again.

In a magical land far away - the kitchenette at the end of the corridor - there stands a coffee maker, the sort that grinds the beans after you've placed them in a big hopper. Most of us chip in a fiver a month to have a big bag of beans, but some people prefer to use their own. 

This is rendered difficult if the communal coffee consumers throw a big bag of beans into the whole hopper. One particularly irate gourmet coffee drinker has put up a notice pleading with people not to do this, for reasons of hygiene and waste that will occur if she has to fish the normal beans out to put in her own. The odd thing is that she is normally a very chill, relaxed, friendly person. Coffee - serious business.


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 16, 2017)

Idris2002 said:


> Our coffee wars have heated up again.
> 
> In a magical land far away - the kitchenette at the end of the corridor - there stands a coffee maker, the sort that grinds the beans after you've placed them in a big hopper. Most of us chip in a fiver a month to have a big bag of beans, but some people prefer to use their own.
> 
> This is rendered difficult if the communal coffee consumers throw a big bag of beans into the whole hopper. One particularly irate gourmet coffee drinker has put up a notice pleading with people not to do this, for reasons of hygiene and waste that will occur if she has to fish the normal beans out to put in her own. The odd thing is that she is normally a very chill, relaxed, friendly person. Coffee - serious business.


We have all different machines and presses in our kitchen - engineers are very serious about coffee too.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jun 16, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> not really scolding but i liked it
> 
> View attachment 109417



have they asked the local pub if it's still behind the bar?


----------



## UnderAnOpenSky (Jun 18, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> not really scolding but i liked it
> 
> View attachment 109417



When we got a new boss a few years ago, she "empowered" us by leaving the company credit card in the petty cash box. It was maxed out within a few months. They don't do that anymore.


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 18, 2017)

UnderAnOpenSky said:


> When we got a new boss a few years ago, she "empowered" us by leaving the company credit card in the petty cash box. It was maxed out within a few months. They don't do that anymore.


She weakened you by taking it from you


----------



## Artaxerxes (Jun 20, 2017)

Not scolding but this has still made me cross.



> From: Reception
> To: All office
> Subject: Sedentary Behaviour
> 
> ...


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Jun 20, 2017)

Artaxerxes said:


> Not scolding but this has still made me cross.


That's the sort of thing that got me cross on the "work frustrations" thread. "We have you doing a job where we tell you to sit at a desk for eight hours a day. This is not good for you. Here are some things you can do to make it better. Thanks, that's all we're going to do about this."

Much better ways of avoiding sedentary office health outcomes


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jun 20, 2017)

Artaxerxes said:


> Not scolding but this has still made me cross.





> - take regular breaks from sitting by standing up every 30 minutes
> 
> - walk over to speak to colleagues, instead of emailing them
> 
> ...






and how long before staff start getting told off for wandering around / talking to colleagues too much / going to the bog too often?


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 21, 2017)

FridgeMagnet said:


> That's the sort of thing that got me cross on the "work frustrations" thread. "We have you doing a job where we tell you to sit at a desk for eight hours a day. This is not good for you. Here are some things you can do to make it better. Thanks, that's all we're going to do about this."
> 
> Much better ways of avoiding sedentary office health outcomes
> 
> ...


That is how I see things going sometimes...


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 21, 2017)

Puddy_Tat said:


> and how long before staff start getting told off for wandering around / talking to colleagues too much / going to the bog too often?


WE have someone with a history of DVT who takes a lap around the building a few times over the day, and people still moan about that.


----------



## BigTom (Jun 21, 2017)

FridgeMagnet said:


> That's the sort of thing that got me cross on the "work frustrations" thread. "We have you doing a job where we tell you to sit at a desk for eight hours a day. This is not good for you. Here are some things you can do to make it better. Thanks, that's all we're going to do about this."
> 
> Much better ways of avoiding sedentary office health outcomes
> 
> ...



Yes. This email should read "sedentary jobs are bad so we're adding 2 30min activity breaks  where you are required to stop working and do something physical (plus installing showers and changing rooms so people can actually exercise in this time of they want)"
Lol


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 21, 2017)

BigTom said:


> Yes. This email should read "sedentary jobs are bad so we're adding 2 30min activity breaks  where you are required to stop working and do something physical (plus installing showers and changing rooms so people can actually exercise in this time of they want)"
> Lol


Heaven forbid productivity is affected by such largesse...


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 21, 2017)

These things seem to be like a sticking plaster on a gaping wound.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jun 21, 2017)

Come on capitalists; exercise bikes / running machines to power the computers.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jun 21, 2017)

BigTom said:


> so we're adding 2 30min activity breaks where you are required to stop working and do something physical


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jun 22, 2017)




----------



## FridgeMagnet (Jun 22, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Come on capitalists; exercise bikes / running machines to power the computers.


There is such a thing as the treadmill desk.


----------



## May Kasahara (Jun 26, 2017)

I don't know who did this but I heartily approve.

￼


----------



## kabbes (Jun 27, 2017)

Well, I suppose technically the apostrophe is correct as it is replacing a missing letter.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jun 27, 2017)

or if it's a family firm, this could be mr smith (senior)'s office


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 28, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> not really scolding but i liked it


oh dear:


----------



## ice-is-forming (Jun 28, 2017)

We've had emails about cars all week 



> HI all,
> 
> I have noticed that cars are again being double parked on a evening and during the day.
> 
> ...



but tomorrow there's gonna be one saying..

"who thought it would be a good idea to buy a full size outdoor setting for the smokers area at the front of the building"

And really it'd be right. i mean for starters who the fucks gonna bring it in every night, it will for sure be pinched other wise... plus it's blocking the disability ramp and we share our office with a disability employment service  End of financial year spending all the money shopping frenzy or what!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jun 29, 2017)

Love the way that in a country the size of Jupiter that's inhabited by 8 people, 3 crocs and a handful of vicious spiders, parking is still an issue


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 30, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> oh dear:


----------



## ash (Jul 5, 2017)

It took me ages to work out what the soup in our 'college' cafe was today. Not a good advert for adult education !!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 10, 2017)

OK, who farted?


----------



## mrs quoad (Jul 14, 2017)

TBF, the CD only arrived yesterday. I should probably get some non-open headphones.


----------



## 5t3IIa (Jul 14, 2017)

There's a "If you sprinkle when you tinkle..." thing laminated to the bogs on the 3rd floor here


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 18, 2017)

Mike, the senior executive in IT has emailed the whole company with this:



> Good morning everyone,
> 
> There was a brief email outage this morning that has been resolved.  If you find that you are still disconnected from Outlook or not receiving new mail please close all open Outlook windows and restart the application.
> 
> ...


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jul 18, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Mike, the senior executive in IT has emailed the whole company with this:



"if you don't get this e-mail please let me know"


----------



## Corax (Jul 18, 2017)

5t3IIa said:


> There's a "If you sprinkle when you tinkle..." thing laminated to the bogs on the 3rd floor here


Add another one running


> If you make signs,
> With twee urinary rhymes...
> Then fuck off and die you insufferable cunt. Really.


----------



## Pickman's model (Jul 19, 2017)




----------



## equationgirl (Jul 20, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 111659


That should really have been titled 'broken kettle in kitchen,' I momentarily thought 'well where else would it be??'


----------



## cybershot (Jul 20, 2017)

thought everywhere had those plumbed wall mounted water heaters in communal kitchens these days.


----------



## equationgirl (Jul 20, 2017)

cybershot said:


> thought everywhere had those plumbed wall mounted water heaters in communal kitchens these days.


WE have both.


----------



## strung out (Jul 20, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> WE have both.


We have a kettle in our office, no kitchen though - or even a tap!


----------



## Pickman's model (Jul 20, 2017)




----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 20, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> WE have both.



We have both plus a Nespresso machine that people continually fuck around with until they give up and go downstairs to Starbucks.


----------



## equationgirl (Jul 20, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> We have both plus a Nespresso machine that people continually fuck around with until they give up and go downstairs to Starbucks.


The espresso machine now redeployed in a different office because the owner moved. The kettle sits next to the matching toaster.


----------



## Nanker Phelge (Jul 20, 2017)

Warning - This is Horrid (Email Title)

_I'm sorry guys,  

Whilst I'm sympathetic to anyone who has bowel issues in the office, what I can't stomach is the thought that one of the people I know and like is happy to leave this disaster for Jaunita or one of our other cleaners, who, by the way we brought from the other office because we LIKE them to deal with. 
If this was you, then you SHOULD have made the effort to clear this up, either with the toilet brush, or by flushing many many times. 
Our cleaners are people, and I personally don't find it acceptable for them to be left with this kind of disaster to deal with.  It's demeaning and insulting. 
This is something we as a company should be above, seriously take some fucking responsibility for your actions. 

I'm sorry everyone who had to see this who wasn't involved, but I don't see any other way of expressing this.
_


----------



## kabbes (Jul 20, 2017)

I doubt that using the word "fucking" on the company email system is in line with corporate policy.


----------



## marty21 (Jul 20, 2017)

cybershot said:


> thought everywhere had those plumbed wall mounted water heaters in communal kitchens these days.


we have one of those but it is a super modern office (we moved here a couple of years ago)


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 20, 2017)

Nanker Phelge said:


> _what I can't stomach is the thought that one of the people I know and like is happy to leave this disaster for Jaunita or one of our other cleaners, _



Jaunita the janitor


----------



## Nanker Phelge (Jul 20, 2017)

kabbes said:


> I doubt that using the word "fucking" on the company email system is in line with corporate policy.



While it was picked up, he wasn't chastised too harshly for it...


----------



## Nanker Phelge (Jul 20, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Jaunita the janitor



She's been with us a long time...


----------



## equationgirl (Jul 20, 2017)

It is amazing how many supposedly grown up women seem incapable of flushing a toilet at work. I have lost count of similar things I have seen at work. Seriously, how hard is it to wait for the cistern to refill and flush it again?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 20, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> It is amazing how many supposedly grown up women seem incapable of flushing a toilet at work. I have lost count of similar things I have seen at work. Seriously, how hard is it to wait for the cistern to refill and flush it again?



Bloke's bogs stink of piss as we spray it all over the place, but women's bogs are often on another level of grim, was dragged in to one in Hong Kong to look at the shit and menstrual blood all over the pan and floor around it by a truly disgusted girlfriend once, must be up there with one of the worst sights I've ever seen


----------



## Nanker Phelge (Jul 20, 2017)

I've been a Facilities Manager for 25 years.

Women's loos have always been worst.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jul 25, 2017)




----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jul 25, 2017)

To add authenticity I am posting this from the very toilets in question. However I all not the culprit. I just hover and make the seat wet


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 25, 2017)

That person has serious fucking issues going on.

I mean, do they not know that you end a question with a question mark?


----------



## cybershot (Jul 25, 2017)

Nice to see The Sun ignoring people's wishes:


At least he got them back


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 1, 2017)




----------



## Corax (Aug 1, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 112575


I don't get it


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 1, 2017)

Corax said:


> I don't get it


people have been having a laugh with the work credit card and now the card's keeper is tracking people down


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 1, 2017)

Not much of a laugh though. This is my work Amex:

 




Giggles all day long...


----------



## Corax (Aug 1, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> people have been having a laugh with the work credit card and now the card's keeper is tracking people down


Ah, right.  Not knowing what your company is/does, I didn't realise that was necessarily piss-taking expenditure.


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 1, 2017)

Corax said:


> Ah, right.  Not knowing what your company is/does, I didn't realise that was necessarily piss-taking expenditure.


----------



## kabbes (Aug 2, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Not much of a laugh though. This is my work Amex:
> 
> View attachment 112580
> 
> ...


Transcorp Hilton Abuja Abuja have charged you twice for the same stay there.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 2, 2017)

kabbes said:


> Transcorp Hilton Abuja Abuja have charged you twice for the same stay there.



Two nights, plus a third as meetings over ran. But thanks for spotting, you can be hired to do my reconciliation once you give up your life in the city...


----------



## little_legs (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 2, 2017)

little_legs said:


>




If you can't steal other people's drinks, whose drinks are you going to steal, can't steal your own drinks? They haven't thought this through at all.


----------



## Corax (Aug 2, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> If you can't steal other people's drinks, whose drinks are you going to steal, can't steal your own drinks? They haven't thought this through at all.


Perhaps the fridge is also used to store drinks that chimpanzees have foraged from the land.  In which case, legally speaking animals cannot own property, so it could be argued that those drinks do not belong to any person, and so are fair game.

But in which case, it wouldn't really be theft, so we're back where we came in.

I think this deserves a lengthy thread from @BarristerSecret


----------



## Corax (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## Badgers (Aug 7, 2017)




----------



## killer b (Aug 30, 2017)

I guess someone ended up with shitty fingers.


----------



## mrs quoad (Aug 31, 2017)

Just 8 Days to Go!!! (Alumnus spam) said:
			
		

> Our Year Dinner is a week tomorrow, which means that there are only 8 days left for us to raise enough money for The 2007 Bursary!
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 31, 2017)

.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 3, 2017)

I ignore alumni spam too mrs quoad


----------



## strung out (Sep 5, 2017)

I'm copying below a chain of messages that was sent out in error to a mailing list for all 1,000+ lecturers/tutors at the university:



> Please could you change the staff lists for these 3 modules as follows:
> 
> 
> 1) UPNQ4J-30-1_17sep_1: UPNQ4J-30-1
> ...





> Hi,
> 
> I am not entirely sure why I received this email. Could someone offer an explanation and remove me from a mailing list.
> 
> ...





> Yes Aida
> 
> It would appear that Jonathan accidentally used the wrong email address when writing to Blackboard and emailed every tutor attached to blackboard (+1000). Easy thing to do I guess.
> 
> Ben W





> Hello,
> 
> Can I also be removed from the mailing list and the modules.
> 
> ...





> Please remove me as well
> 
> Thanks





> And me.
> 
> Ben





> this is not an anomaly, it is a feature…





> Please can you not reply all!





> Hi,
> 
> Can anyone in the list please avoid to reply all or we will be inundated with 1,000 emails. Thank you





> I'm bucking the trend here, but I think this list is fascinating - please don't delete me from it!





> With appologies to the 1000+ other colleagues receiving this.
> 
> If anyone has any questions about blackboard emails please try emailing, Blackboard Support blackboard@XXXXXX.ac.uk, rather than the group “Blackboard_Tutors” (don’t “Reply All”).
> 
> ...





> All these replies are filling my inbox up and ive only got a little one.  Please reply ndirect to the sender.  Thankyou, Dan





> Dan,
> 
> I like your style!
> 
> ...





> Dear all,
> 
> Just to be clear for the benefit of all those requesting to be removed from the BB-tutors list, it is not an email list but a necessary feature of Blackboard. Jonathan should simply have emailed his staff list query to his faculty SAT team and not this address as this is the procedure for changing staff on Blackboard modules.
> 
> ...





> Hahaha I never reply but it is getting interesting. I wonder why I’m in the blackboard tutors list





> Can people *please stop replying to all*
> 
> Steve





> Round of applause for Steve! (hopefully this will be the last of it)





> Hi All
> 
> Apologies for replying to all but... could you please direct any further correspondence to philip.XXXXX@XXXXX.ac.uk not phil.XXXXX@XXXXX.ac.uk.  There are 2 Phil XXXXX's at XXXXX and we often get confused for each other via email - unfortunately I can be of no help to you at this particular moment.
> 
> ...





> So let me get this right, we are NOT supposed to reply to all.
> 
> Ok, got it.





> With regard to the Phil dilemma, how do we distinguished the helpful one from the other one?





> Can people please stop replying to this message chain!!!





> Hi
> 
> I am nothing to do with this course list please remove me
> 
> Roz





> Hi there,
> I am currently a PhD student at XXXXX and not tutoring anymore. Could I please be removed from this list?
> Thanks and have a nice day,
> Angeliki





> Hi,
> 
> Please remove my name from this mailing list.
> 
> ...





> STOP REPLYING!!!!!!





> Hi, I hear there’s an exciting new Social Networking Experiment known as “RE: Course Lists – Staff” does anyone know how I can get involved?





> Sorry, you're not invited.





> Whatever you do, please do NOT remove me from this mailing list.
> 
> It's too much fun.
> 
> ...


----------



## dervish (Sep 5, 2017)

I'm getting looks from colleagues for giggling at my desk now. 

That's excellent.


----------



## kabbes (Sep 5, 2017)

Have people never heard of the "ignore conversation" feature?  Good grief.


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 5, 2017)




----------



## strung out (Sep 5, 2017)

Someone's just made the same mistake and it's started again:



> hello!
> 
> i don't know if you are the right people to ask but...
> 
> ...





> I doubt I am Luis.  E-mail blackboard support, they will help you out
> 
> Best
> 
> Tim





> Can we try and keep this reply-all thread running a bit longer than the last one? I was disappointed when it faded out.





> But then everyone needs to do their part.






			
				original e-mailer said:
			
		

> what a genius!
> 
> please all ignore my previous e mail.
> 
> ...





> I shan't be accused of shirking my responsibilities!
> 
> How is everyone's day going?





> It’s good to be back!
> 
> I was getting lonely.
> 
> ...





> Luis,
> 
> I’m leaving XXXX on Friday, so my opportunities for mocking you will be limited I’m afraid.
> 
> ...





> Everyone does it at least once...some are slower learners so may do it for a second time!! Not naming names of course.
> 
> Welcome to XXXXX





> PLEASE UNSUBSCRIBE ME FROM THIS LIFE!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 5, 2017)

> PLEASE UNSUBSCRIBE ME FROM THIS LIFE!


----------



## Schmetterling (Sep 5, 2017)

strung out said:


> Someone's just made the same mistake and it's started again:



That 'someone' was you, wasn't it?


----------



## eatmorecheese (Sep 6, 2017)

Not so passive-aggressive frowny smiley action


----------



## Badgers (Sep 6, 2017)

I think I might print that out and put it on the fridge at work just to cause problems here


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 8, 2017)




----------



## Libertad (Sep 8, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 115317



Fuck 'em, take your own toaster.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Sep 8, 2017)

Libertad said:


> Fuck 'em, take your own toaster.


or get a toasting fork and build a modest bonfire


----------



## Me76 (Sep 9, 2017)

I worked in a uni and we weren't allowed a toaster because of the amount of times it had set the alarm off.  

Before that I used to have toast all the time at work. Since then I never have, even when the 'facility' has been available.


----------



## BoatieBird (Sep 14, 2017)

Received this morning.
In red type for added emphasis



> Please be aware that chemicals should not be taken offsite without good reason.
> 
> If you do have chemicals at home please return them immediately and inform your Laboratory Manager who will arrange correct storage or disposal.


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 17, 2017)

Libertad said:


> Fuck 'em, take your own toaster.





Puddy_Tat said:


> or get a toasting fork and build a modest bonfire





Me76 said:


> I worked in a uni and we weren't allowed a toaster because of the amount of times it had set the alarm off.
> 
> Before that I used to have toast all the time at work. Since then I never have, even when the 'facility' has been available.


----------



## existentialist (Sep 17, 2017)

eatmorecheese said:


> Not so passive-aggressive frowny smiley actionView attachment 115183


I was with them, all the way up to "just saying". At that point, I'd be spooning yogurt culture into their milk cartons.

ETA: also, if you want to proactively stop people drinking your milk, produce a reasonably professional looking label that says something like "LIZARD MILK". Nobody will touch it. In fact, thinking about it, "HUMAN BREAST MILK" would probably work quite well.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 17, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 115793


The toaster's what have been removed? 

Surely the sign writer meant 'the toasters (plural)'...


----------



## cybershot (Sep 17, 2017)




----------



## dervish (Sep 18, 2017)

This was posted on one of the urinals in my work on Friday



I love that even the most simple instructions are ignored.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 9, 2017)

Afternoon All,


Is anyone waiting a parcel from ebay? It’s The Ultimate U2 Collection.

Please contact me.


Many thanks,


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 9, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Afternoon All,
> 
> Is anyone waiting a parcel from ebay? It’s The Ultimate U2 Collection.
> 
> ...



Waiting for a parcel?

That'll be the Bungle department.


----------



## strung out (Oct 9, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Afternoon All,
> 
> 
> Is anyone waiting a parcel from ebay? It’s The Ultimate U2 Collection.
> ...


I like the implied scold in the 'please contact me'


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 9, 2017)

strung out said:


> I like the implied scold in the 'please contact me'



The woman who sent it is leaving on Wednesday, an email has gone around asking for money for a pressie and they thoughtfully included bank details for who work from home to chip in. Yeah, right...


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 10, 2017)




----------



## equationgirl (Oct 10, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 117489


For starters, it's 'past students', technically they may be 'past students who passed' but they are probably not 'passed students' unless, sadly, they are dead.

Also, if a load of crap on some shelves from ten years ago bothers the writer that much, go and fucking deal with it, don't send a whiny email.


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 10, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> For starters, it's 'past students', technically they may be 'past students who passed' but they are probably not 'passed students' unless, sadly, they are dead.
> 
> Also, if a load of crap on some shelves from ten years ago bothers the writer that much, go and fucking deal with it, don't send a whiny email.


I don't think we're likely to see a classic like the loss of the poison cupboard key agaim this year, I only get dross like that now


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Oct 10, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> For starters, it's 'past students', technically they may be 'past students who passed' but they are probably not 'passed students' unless, sadly, they are dead.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 10, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> I don't think we're likely to see a classic like the loss of the poison cupboard key agaim this year, I only get dross like that now


Ah, a true classic of the genre. 

I expect you to pass on my comments about their crap grammar though, sent to all, naturally.


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 10, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> Ah, a true classic of the genre.
> 
> I expect you to pass on my comments about their crap grammar though, sent to all, naturally.


Yeh yer man doesn't know I exist so it would announce my presence with a bang


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 10, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> Yeh yer man doesn't know I exist so it would announce my presence with a bang


He brought it on himself. I have zero sympathies


----------



## Whagwan (Oct 11, 2017)

BoatieBird said:


> Received this morning.
> In red type for added emphasis



Used to work in a lab where I knew for a fact my manager was ordering in pH buffer etc for his grow room.  So I responded by ordering in ether and top level digi-scales.


----------



## BoatieBird (Oct 13, 2017)

> *Common Room care:*
> 
> Please do not leave dirty crockery, cutlery or packaging in the common room sink or on the tables.
> 
> If anyone is unsure of what to do with their dirty crockery, cutlery or packaging, please contact me and I will show you.


----------



## Schmetterling (Oct 13, 2017)

Shove them up their arse?


----------



## BoatieBird (Oct 13, 2017)

Schmetterling said:


> Shove them up their arse?



Knowing the person who wrote the email I strongly suspect that's what he had in mind


----------



## May Kasahara (Oct 13, 2017)

I never have any contributions to this thread  Our receptionist did try and put up a classic 'wash your cups up rather than leave them in the sink' notice recently, but the CEO made her take it down because...it didn't say please. Given that the CEO is frequently the rudest person at work by some considerable margin, there was a lot of bitter laughing up sleeves. But no photos.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 13, 2017)




----------



## equationgirl (Oct 14, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 117758


A refreshingly clear sign, both in font and message. 

A smiley face would have been nice though.


----------



## existentialist (Oct 15, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> A refreshingly clear sign, both in font and message.
> 
> A smiley face would have been nice though.


You don't think that might have made it come over as a bit passive aggressive?


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 15, 2017)

existentialist said:


> You don't think that might have made it come over as a bit passive aggressive?


OH no, I think it's expected in this genre


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Oct 17, 2017)

This made me chuckle thinking about how it would be a good Secret Santa gift for some of the note writers on this thread  Plus who the fuck thought that calling this "Secret Santa" (not to mention the whole idea of making your shit not smell) was a good idea!


----------



## BoatieBird (Oct 17, 2017)




----------



## Lazy Llama (Oct 17, 2017)

This was on the toilet door at a hostel I stayed at in Brisbane in 2005.


----------



## BoatieBird (Oct 19, 2017)

> Please wash and return cutlery taken from the common room kitchen asap, there have been NO forks or teaspoons available all week.


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 20, 2017)

.


----------



## mx wcfc (Oct 23, 2017)

Not an email, but an actual direct verbal telling off, in front of colleagues.

"Mx, you have to put your coat in the cupboard. You're not allowed to leave it on the back of your chair like that."

Me. Stunned silence,  followed by desperately repressing urge to use inappropriate language in a professional setting. 

"Yes Miss, sorry Miss"

New Office, New Bullshit


----------



## a_chap (Oct 23, 2017)

We have the same rule on the grounds, naturally, of "health and safety".

So I insist on draping my cycling jacket over the back of my chair. My argument is that it's hi-viz and therefore reduces the chance of someone, er, falling over my chair.


----------



## mx wcfc (Oct 23, 2017)

a_chap said:


> We have the same rule on the grounds, naturally, of "health and safety".
> 
> So I insist on draping my cycling jacket over the back of my chair. My argument is that it's hi-viz and therefore reduces the chance of someone, er, falling over my chair.



I think it's just the office manager who has a thing about tidiness.  She works hard and does a very good job, but she is a bit hung up on everything being "just so" - the office looking like it does in the brochure - all clear desks, shiny smiley people, who do what she tells them. God help her when she has kids.  She was really upset when one of the coffee machines didn't work and there was a queue for caffeine.  Moving office is a major ballache for the organiser, and I told her that if one coffee machine not working was the worse thing that had gone wrong, that was a pretty good result.  She seemed to like that.  But that was before I got told off over my coat.


----------



## emanymton (Oct 25, 2017)

existentialist said:


> I was with them, all the way up to "just saying". At that point, I'd be spooning yogurt culture into their milk cartons.
> 
> ETA: also, if you want to proactively stop people drinking your milk, produce a reasonably professional looking label that says something like "LIZARD MILK". Nobody will touch it. In fact, thinking about it, "HUMAN BREAST MILK" would probably work quite well.



Well there are some people who urm, well you know. Yeah enough about that.


----------



## existentialist (Oct 25, 2017)

emanymton said:


> Well there are some people who urm, well you know. Yeah enough about that.


Not many. And I suspect even they're likely to want milk from specific lizards/breasts, not something random from a communal fridge.


----------



## emanymton (Oct 25, 2017)

existentialist said:


> Not many. And I suspect even they're likely to want milk from specific lizards/breasts, not something random from a communal fridge.


Yes it probably has to be fresh for them.


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 26, 2017)




----------



## dervish (Oct 26, 2017)

Is the wandering person not on the floor they wanted then?


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 26, 2017)

dervish said:


> Is the wandering person not on the floor they wanted then?


not the floor they wanted, nor indeed in a building where they were permitted to be. if you look upthread you'll see my post about the key to the poison cupboard going missing, and they might easily have found that. if they'd read this thread and knew where i work.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Oct 31, 2017)

> *Subject:* Outcome of the UK support services review
> 
> 
> Dear all
> ...




1) That is not how an invitation works you fucking bellend. 

2) This sounds like basically telling us we are all fired and our jobs are going to India. 

3) I'm not going to be arsed doing much work today I guess. Oh well.


----------



## cybershot (Oct 31, 2017)

Love the amount of notice given for staff outside of London, taking into account that in my personal opinion, email is not an urgent form of communication. Some people may not read that until much later in the day and then suddenly have to arrange travel arrangements, and possible alternative arrangements to get children to school and what not.

Proper shitty behaviour.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Oct 31, 2017)

cybershot said:


> Love the amount of notice given for staff outside of London, taking into account that in my personal opinion, email is not an urgent form of communication. Some people may not read that until much later in the day and then suddenly have to arrange travel arrangements, and possible alternative arrangements to get children to school and what not.
> 
> Proper shitty behaviour.



Yeah I only hope they've given the non-London guys a weeks notice or more on the quiet. Just lucky theres only a small handful of them. 

This entire last few months have been awful from a communication point of view, as in there has been none apart from telling us the entire service was under review 3 months ago.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 31, 2017)

Artaxerxes said:


> Yeah I only hope they've given the non-London guys a weeks notice or more on the quiet. Just lucky theres only a small handful of them.
> 
> This entire last few months have been awful from a communication point of view, as in there has been none apart from telling us the entire service was under review 3 months ago.



That's shit, I hope things are OK for you, good luck.


----------



## ChrisFilter (Nov 1, 2017)

Just popped back in to share this beaut:

Take the Diet Pepsi challenge....

Try leaving it in the 8th floor fridge next time (top shelf, where I left it) and try buying your own. This is not a student house (“All property is theft”, “It’s only a can of Pepsi”, “I was thirsty, OK?”, “I thought you only drank Horlicks”) and have some respect, you light fingered scumbag.  

If you want to nick them off the company (which is also out of order), they buy Diet Coke, for the record


----------



## Badgers (Nov 2, 2017)

Some good news 


> Hi All
> 
> Due to lack of interest, the Christmas Party which was due to take place at the Holiday Inn in Rotherham on 5th January has now been cancelled.


----------



## souljacker (Nov 2, 2017)

Tight bastards having the christmas party in January.


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 14, 2017)

.


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 14, 2017)




----------



## a_chap (Nov 14, 2017)

No wonder there's not much of a response if they keep leaving out all the important words in the email.


----------



## Schmetterling (Nov 14, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 120506



That is not from the same person who is normally our source of mirth, is it? Their use of English is very different.


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 14, 2017)

Schmetterling said:


> That is not from the same person who is normally our source of mirth, is it? Their use of English is very different.


Someone rather more senior


----------



## quiet guy (Nov 14, 2017)

Used to have the same shit when I worked for PO and the response rates were always added as a KPI for each division which affected our end of year bonus.


----------



## Treacle Toes (Nov 14, 2017)

Did I ever post about an email I received from a senior manager entitled 'Nicknames'.

It detailed his concern about the use of nicknames in our organisation and said that  he didn't believe 'Tory-John' was acceptable. 

I couldn't argue with the points he made tbf but he completely missed the point. The person called Tory-John was the opposite of that, hence the nickname.


----------



## mx wcfc (Nov 14, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 120506



They do this at my place too.  The results are confidential and anonymous.  Only we get reports back that read "100% of males at grade x who have been employed for more than 15 years in y dept are thoroughly fucked off with the whole thing" .  And then the bosses wonder why we don't take part anymore.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 15, 2017)




----------



## Winot (Nov 24, 2017)




----------



## Silas Loom (Nov 24, 2017)

Winot said:


> View attachment 121192



Poor Lesley. Does she have a photo of her cat on her desk?


----------



## Winot (Nov 24, 2017)

Silas Loom said:


> Poor Lesley. Does she have a photo of her cat on her desk?



There isn't room - she just has a big pot of exclamation marks in case she runs out when sending emails.


----------



## teuchter (Nov 24, 2017)

Have you bought your festive jumper yet Winot ?


----------



## Winot (Nov 24, 2017)

teuchter said:


> Have you bought your festive jumper yet Winot ?



No but I have had to unexpectedly change my annual leave from 15 to 14 December.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 24, 2017)

Lesley's legend


----------



## Artaxerxes (Nov 28, 2017)

> *From:* Reception
> *Sent:* 28 November 2017 11:30
> *To:* All office
> *Subject:* FW: Personal packages
> ...



The festive spirit is strong here.


----------



## cybershot (Nov 28, 2017)

I'm sure they won't mind their workers therefore taking longer than their usual lunch break to nip off to the local Amazon locker/other locker/doddle/shop/post office to collect their parcels.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Nov 28, 2017)

They sent an email out 30 minutes later asking if anyone was going to a nearby office today, presumably as they have post to pass to that office.


I nearly copy/pasted the email back at them.


----------



## mx wcfc (Nov 28, 2017)

There was a breakfast meeting today.  After it finished, an email came round

_"There are some leftover bacon rolls in the kitchen".  _

This was followed a minute or so later by:-

_"Please remember you are not allowed to eat hot food at your desks"_

I don't know what the problem was.  The rolls were lukewarm at best by the time we were allowed at them.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 30, 2017)

Tis the season...


----------



## Badgers (Nov 30, 2017)

(((Dean)))


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 30, 2017)

Badgers said:


> (((Dean)))
> 
> View attachment 121725


harsh to imprison people in the warehouse


----------



## cybershot (Nov 30, 2017)

Maybe the Christmas party could be moved to the warehouse!


----------



## Badgers (Nov 30, 2017)

cybershot said:


> Maybe the Christmas party could be moved to the warehouse!


That is where the summer one was


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 30, 2017)




----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 30, 2017)

cybershot said:


> Maybe the Christmas party could be moved to the warehouse!


could be quite the spot for an xmas rave


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 30, 2017)

I can put my flimsy excuses for not participating back in the box for another year, a custom made solution has arrived...


----------



## Teaboy (Nov 30, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> I can put my flimsy excuses for not participating back in the box for another year, a custom made solution has arrived...
> 
> View attachment 121757



I thought you ran your own business.  Do you do secret santa with yourself?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 30, 2017)

Teaboy said:


> I thought you ran your own business.  Do you do secret santa with yourself?



Affiliated with another, much larger thing in London and New York, so can join in with the fun that the UK social committee* generates on an almost hourly basis.



*never laid eyes on any of 'em.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 1, 2017)




----------



## Schmetterling (Dec 1, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 121864



I reckon the mice have taken the toaster.


----------



## cybershot (Dec 1, 2017)

A) Would you not ask the fire officer before sending the email...
B) If the toaster is banned, why the fuck is it still there anyway.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 1, 2017)

cybershot said:


> A) Would you not ask the fire officer before sending the email...
> B) If the toaster is banned, why the fuck is it still there anyway.


fuck knows. it's been something of a long-running saga


----------



## Poi E (Dec 1, 2017)

Slow burning.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 1, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> fuck knows. it's been something of a long-running saga



Sounds like it time to start photoshopping the missing toaster into various famous locations around the world, to document its travels.


----------



## Poi E (Dec 1, 2017)

How it pops up everywhere?


----------



## a_chap (Dec 1, 2017)

No matter how you slice it the toaster's gone forever. Unless you could butter-up whoever sent the email. Either way it's pretty crummy. 

etc, etc...


----------



## Poi E (Dec 1, 2017)

You're in your element.


----------



## existentialist (Dec 2, 2017)

cybershot said:


> A) Would you not ask the fire officer before sending the email...
> B) If the toaster is banned, why the fuck is it still there anyway.


More importantly, why is someone sending out emails containing the phrase "from myself" without their being killed as an example to others?


----------



## A380 (Dec 6, 2017)

Poi E said:


> You're in your element.


I salute you!


----------



## youbeauty (Dec 15, 2017)

Dirty bastards  . . .


----------



## Winot (Dec 15, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Lesley's legend



Update - she wore a full length Christmas jumper dress that made her look like a full-sized Christmas tree. I wore normal work clothes. She didn't make any comment on my clothes and I made no comment on hers.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Dec 15, 2017)

Winot said:


> Update - she wore a full length Christmas jumper dress that made her look like a full-sized Christmas tree. I wore normal work clothes. She didn't make any comment on my clothes and I made no comment on hers.



Hope you got her a Secret Santa:



Spoiler: Lesley's ideal gift


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 20, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse the following has been suggested for various people by a colleague


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Dec 22, 2017)

Hi Everyone,


Unfortunately the company we ordered our office Brunch through has cancelled our booking this afternoon due to them closing a day earlier than planned until the New Year ☹


Due to this, they have offered to make it up to us in the New Year so we’ll reschedule and have a ‘Welcome Back Brunch’!


Sorry for this, but it was out of our control.


Thanks,


UK Social Committee


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 22, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> Bahnhof Strasse the following has been suggested for various people by a colleague
> 
> View attachment 123457




how many of them have you bought?


----------



## Yu_Gi_Oh (Dec 22, 2017)

> Dear faculty and staff,
> 
> I do want to mention that as the semester is winding down to an end, with the hectic schedule of the intensive teaching curriculum and increasing work load demand, the anxiety lever is running high among some of our colleagues here. I don't blame you if you are anxious, frustrated and stressed. It is a common phenomenon at this time of the year in our line of business. I myself sometimes feel that I had woke up on the wrong side of the bed and had a chip on my shoulder throughout the day. If you feel the same at times, there is nothing wrong with your attitude or mentality. It is the crazy time of the semester when so many things have accumulated. I urge all of you stay calm and always have your composure even when you are agitated.  I am always available if you need to talk or seek advice. At the end of the day, we all need to work together to accomplish our goals.


----------



## a_chap (Dec 22, 2017)

Yu_Gi_Oh said:


> ... "the anxiety lever" ...



Sure. Pull the other one.


----------



## spanglechick (Dec 22, 2017)

Yu_Gi_Oh said:


>


I hope this person doesn't teach English.


----------



## Yu_Gi_Oh (Dec 22, 2017)

spanglechick said:


> I hope this person doesn't teach English.



No he doesn't. But he's not a native English speaker, so I think, at least in that respect, he's doing a pretty great job.


----------



## spanglechick (Dec 22, 2017)

Yu_Gi_Oh said:


> No he doesn't. But he's not a native English speaker, so I think, at least in that respect, he's doing a pretty great job.


Ahh, fair enough.


----------



## ash (Dec 22, 2017)

House rules and a new concept of well paid health care professionals !! Has Teresa been at work ??


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 22, 2017)

and small rodents.


----------



## ash (Dec 22, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> and small rodents.


Cheeky sense of humour to lighten the message


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 22, 2017)

ash said:


> Cheeky sense of humour to lighten the message


I'd like it better if they knew the difference between a plural and a possessive.


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 22, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> how many of them have you bought?


None, sadly. But don't think it wasn't considered for a number of special people.


----------



## ash (Dec 22, 2017)

Ed


equationgirl said:


> I'd like it better if they knew the difference between a plural and a possessive.


especially when representing the training dept !!


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 22, 2017)

ash said:


> Ed
> 
> especially when representing the training dept !!


----------



## Winot (Dec 22, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> I'd like it better if they knew the difference between a plural and a possessive.



No, you misunderstand - Mr Panini is the head nurse, known for his love of crumpets, buns and small rodents.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Dec 22, 2017)

equationgirl said:


> I'd like it better if they knew the difference between a plural and a possessive.



Panini is plural in itself, no need for an s at the end, even more no need for ‘s. At the cafe at my health club the menu has panini’s on offer, the club is part of Charterhouse School.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Dec 22, 2017)

e-mail and ask what constitutes a 'small rodent'   and whether doing rat on a stick is acceptable...


----------



## paolo (Dec 22, 2017)

ash said:


> View attachment 123644 View attachment 123643 House rules and a new concept of well paid health care professionals !! Has Teresa been at work ??



Oh I quite like that. A bit of self-knowing in it.


----------



## Favelado (Dec 23, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Panini is plural in itself, no need for an s at the end, even more no need for ‘s. At the cafe at my health club the menu has panini’s on offer, the club is part of Charterhouse School.



Panini is singular in English, unless you're going to start asking for cappuccino using the plural form if you order more than one. Better just to accept we change words when they come into English. 

You've either got to use the correct singular and plurals of all import words, or none of them. You can't pick and choose.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Dec 23, 2017)

It’s just a fucking sandwich.


----------



## A380 (Dec 23, 2017)

youbeauty said:


> Dirty bastards  . . . View attachment 123075


TBF I think I’d probably agree with this.


----------



## A380 (Dec 23, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> It’s just a fucking sandwich.


This is my post of the week.


----------



## kabbes (Dec 26, 2017)

Favelado said:


> Panini is singular in English, unless you're going to start asking for cappuccino using the plural form if you order more than one. Better just to accept we change words when they come into English.
> 
> You've either got to use the correct singular and plurals of all import words, or none of them. You can't pick and choose.


I can choose whatever pointless, uphill battles ultimately doomed to failure I like, thankyouverymuch.  Rage against the dying of the panino!


----------



## heinous seamus (Jan 30, 2018)

> Please note that someone has broken a chair in the meeting room in Level D – It was not reported and was only found when Facilities went into this room as the chair had been left upside down.
> 
> It is only courteous and fair on others that if you brake something please report it to Facilities or our Reception team to enable us to remove or fix the item for the next person using the area.
> 
> Thanks


----------



## Pickman's model (Jan 30, 2018)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> the club is part of Charterhouse School.


how much does it set you back?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 30, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> how much does it set you back?



£48.95 a month, which is for all the facilities. It's the same price as the council gym/pool, but not quite as nice as the council one which Frau Bahn signed up to which is brand new, plus with the council membership she can also use Haslemere & Farnham's gyms/pools. I would go with that too, but the only evening swimming available in the council pools is Tuesday unless I want to go after 9pm, which I don't. Charterhouse I can swim daily if I wish to.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 30, 2018)

I think there's details missing - it's important we all know how the chair was broken. Did someone lose it in a particularly vexing meeting and smash it on the table?


----------



## a_chap (Jan 30, 2018)

I suspect that the recent popularity of "standing meetings" is to reduce the frequency of chairs being smashed.


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 6, 2018)

I prefer my communiqués to be more direct than a mere scolding email:


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 6, 2018)

john nott delivering orang utan's communique


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 6, 2018)

Badgers existentialist neonwilderness


----------



## Libertad (Feb 6, 2018)




----------



## equationgirl (Feb 6, 2018)

*quietly puts the osmium tetroxide somewhere else*


----------



## redsquirrel (Feb 6, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> Badgers existentialist neonwilderness


Jesus HF! Fucking hell, the person responsible for that deserves a bit more than a scolding.


----------



## existentialist (Feb 7, 2018)

Blimey.


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 13, 2018)




----------



## nuffsaid (Feb 13, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 127341



Sounds like Remainer code for anti Brexit activity.


----------



## Celyn (Feb 13, 2018)

I once worked in a library that had French windows leading out to the gardens, little pond and all that sort of thing, BUT in the event of a fire, I and anyone in the library apparently were supposed to go out of the door and go something like 200 metres along a corridor and exit by the "proper" door, probably as part of a crowd of people all trying to exit.  The useful French windows about 6 metres from my desk were not an official exit, you see.     Sod that for a game of soldiers.


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 23, 2018)

the kitchen sink is out of bounds for reasons best left to the imagination


----------



## existentialist (Feb 23, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 128146
> 
> the kitchen sink is out of bounds for reasons best left to the imagination


I really detest the phrase "out of bounds". It always feels to me like a challenge that requires to be met


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 23, 2018)

existentialist said:


> I really detest the phrase "out of bounds". It always feels to me like a challenge that requires to be met


you wouldn't want to meet this challenge. there are good practical and indeed olfactory reasons not to go near it until it's been cleaned up.


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 23, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 128146
> 
> the kitchen sink is out of bounds for reasons best left to the imagination


Some fucker keeps leaving their used teabag in the kitchen sink. First up against the wall come the revolution.


----------



## billy_bob (Feb 24, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 127341



So-called exiters are so much worse than actual ones. Non-committal wankers.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Feb 24, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> the kitchen sink is out of bounds for reasons best left to the imagination



is this in any way related to the poor storage of potentially toxic chemicals in your earlier post?


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 24, 2018)

Puddy_Tat said:


> is this in any way related to the poor storage of potentially toxic chemicals in your earlier post?


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 24, 2018)

Puddy_Tat said:


> is this in any way related to the poor storage of potentially toxic chemicals in your earlier post?


Damn, I knew I'd put the osmium tetroxide down somewhere...


----------



## Badgers (Mar 4, 2018)

Not sure if genuine but amusing.


----------



## Badgers (Mar 4, 2018)




----------



## existentialist (Mar 4, 2018)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 129266


That was inevitable 

(and exactly what I would have done)


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 7, 2018)




----------



## billy_bob (Mar 7, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 129490



'p.s. I have included comma splices in almost every sentence to cause you maximum irritation, it helps you to remember this message.'

'Working as a team' to foster a culture of informing on your colleagues, eh?


----------



## StoneRoad (Mar 7, 2018)

Hmmm, it may be a fire exit, but it would also need to be protected during fire drills etc.

I was fire warden on the top occupied floor of an office block. Which meant I was almost always "last out" - during one fire drill, myself and two other fire wardens intercepted some local yokels taking advantage that these open doors were not supervised. We reclaimed several wallets, purses and handbags. The local coppers were "amused" to be handed the miscreants. What was worse was that missing items had happened previously during fire drills ...
The local fire evacuation instructions and assembly points were suitably revised !


----------



## billy_bob (Mar 7, 2018)

StoneRoad said:


> Hmmm, it may be a fire exit, but it would also need to be protected during fire drills etc.
> 
> I was fire warden on the top occupied floor of an office block. Which meant I was almost always "last out" - during one fire drill, myself and two other fire wardens intercepted some local yokels taking advantage that these open doors were not supervised. We reclaimed several wallets, purses and handbags. The local coppers were "amused" to be handed the miscreants. What was worse was that missing items had happened previously during fire drills ...
> The local fire evacuation instructions and assembly points were suitably revised !



Not a bad scam, that. I'm off to see what I can find out about fire drill schedules in nearby office blocks...


----------



## Wilf (Mar 7, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 127341


 Sounds like your boss is Patrick Bateman.


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 7, 2018)

Wilf said:


> Sounds like your boss is Patrick Bateman.







there is a curious resemblance


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 14, 2018)




----------



## cybershot (Mar 14, 2018)

I love the cop out of if you're already doing this well done.

Be nice to get a email for doing a good job without it having to be put on the end of a bitching one.

Oh well, there's Christmas I suppose for the standard 'thanks for all your hard work this year'


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 14, 2018)

cybershot said:


> I love the cop out of if you're already doing this well done.
> 
> Be nice to get a email for doing a good job without it having to be put on the end of a bitching one.
> 
> Oh well, there's Christmas I suppose for the standard 'thanks for all your hard work this year'


if we get that email it's our bonus


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Mar 14, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 130019


the immediate question is why your colleagues are trying to rrad while they are at an angle on the bottom shelf...


----------



## equationgirl (Mar 15, 2018)

Double points for use of 'heaven forfend' in an email. 

I thought I worked in a pedantic library, clearly that's the pinnacle of pedantry to which all libraries should aspire.


----------



## teuchter (Mar 15, 2018)

It's not pedantry. All perfectly reasonable requests.


----------



## Badgers (Apr 2, 2018)




----------



## Badgers (Apr 9, 2018)




----------



## kabbes (Apr 10, 2018)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 132358


Wow, that's a hell of a requirement.  Have you set up a 24 hour rota?


----------



## killer b (Apr 10, 2018)

There's only 7 people in the office, fuck knows why whoever keeps writing these notes can't just say something...


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 10, 2018)

^^^ Love the use of all caps, should have done it in green ink with comic sans for maximum impact.


----------



## Schmetterling (Apr 10, 2018)

killer b said:


> There's only 7 people in the office, fuck knows why whoever keeps writing these notes can't just say something...View attachment 132417



Print your post, in capitals, and stick the print on top of that note. Then report back.


----------



## 8115 (Apr 10, 2018)

killer b said:


> There's only 7 people in the office, fuck knows why whoever keeps writing these notes can't just say something...View attachment 132417


If it was me, I would have laminated it


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Apr 10, 2018)

Good Afternoon All,

This is an email from the building team please remember to keep the access card all the time with you.

*Starting today we shall be enforcing a new policy with regards to forgotten access cards as this is becoming an increasingly common issue. *

*If you forget your access cards you will have to contact your colleagues to collect you from reception and take you to the correct floor. Ground floor reception will no longer allow you access. *

*Access control is in place in the building for your safety and security. * 


*Starting today we shall be enforcing	 a new policy with regards to forgotten access cards as this is becoming an	 increasingly common issue. *


*If you forget your access cards you	 will have to contact your colleagues to collect you from reception and take	 you to the correct floor. Ground floor reception will no longer allow you	 access. *


*Access control is in place in the	 building for your safety and security. *




*Best Regards,*



They don't charge for lost cards, so if you forget your card you can just say you lost it and they give you a new one


----------



## ruffneck23 (Apr 10, 2018)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Good Afternoon All,
> 
> This is an email from the building team please remember to keep the access card all the time with you.
> 
> ...



I think everyone in the office should ' forget their cards on the same day to see how the business will cope.... '


----------



## killer b (Apr 10, 2018)

... I might also mention that the above note refers to the tea and coffee jars, which of the 7 people in the office, _only three of us ever use_.


----------



## joustmaster (Apr 10, 2018)

killer b said:


> ... I might also mention that the above note refers to the tea and coffee jars, which of the 7 people in the office, _only three of us ever use_.


Then its either you or the other person who doesn't put the tops back on...
I knew you were a bad 'un


----------



## killer b (Apr 10, 2018)

Well, I don't. I find the idea that the freshness of the contents of three jars which are emptied and replenished at least once a week could be compromised by leaving the lids open laughable tbh.


----------



## trabuquera (Apr 10, 2018)

Needs a passive-aggressive spelling correction too, it's 'receptacles' ffs. I recommend a big felty red pen.


----------



## billy_bob (Apr 11, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 130019



Admit it: you wrote that one yourself, didn't you?


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 11, 2018)

billy_bob said:


> Admit it: you wrote that one yourself, didn't you?


no, i didn't.


----------



## billy_bob (Apr 11, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> no, i didn't.



I was only pretending to think you did. That's not exactly the scintillating repartee I thought might ensue if I did so.


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 11, 2018)

billy_bob said:


> I was only pretending to think you did. That's not exactly the scintillating repartee I thought might ensue if I did so.


never mind, eh. Consider yourself lucky to get ersatz repartee.


----------



## Edie (Apr 11, 2018)

killer b said:


> Well, I don't. I find the idea that the freshness of the contents of three jars which are emptied and replenished at least once a week could be compromised by leaving the lids open laughable tbh.


So basically that note is aimed directly at you


----------



## killer b (Apr 11, 2018)

Edie said:


> So basically that note is aimed directly at you


Oh, definitely. The passive-aggressive office note is always aimed at an individual.

I guess that chilled out approachable office persona I imagine I project must be some distance from the truth.


----------



## Poot (Apr 16, 2018)

I heard a sad thing today. My male colleague told me that there is a sign in the gents' loos at work that says 'If you do a number 2, please clean up after yourself'. It was clearly put there by the cleaner who has made it clear that she is exasperated at having to deal with the liberally applied smears of shit in the gents. 

Someone has written _just do your fucking job.

_


----------



## purenarcotic (Apr 16, 2018)

Poot said:


> I heard a sad thing today. My male colleague told me that there is a sign in the gents' loos at work that says 'If you do a number 2, please clean up after yourself'. It was clearly put there by the cleaner who has made it clear that she is exasperated at having to deal with the liberally applied smears of shit in the gents.
> 
> Someone has written _just do your fucking job.
> 
> _



That’s disgusting. What a rancid individual.


----------



## Wookey (Apr 17, 2018)

Snip


----------



## cybershot (Apr 17, 2018)

WTF, who does that!

Looks like it's been pat tested thou!


----------



## Wookey (Apr 17, 2018)

Snip


----------



## Spymaster (Apr 17, 2018)

killer b said:


> There's only 7 people in the office, fuck knows why whoever keeps writing these notes can't just say something...View attachment 132417





Schmetterling said:


> Print your post, in capitals, and stick the print on top of that note. Then report back.



Or at least correct the spelling of receptacles.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 17, 2018)

Wookey said:


> If you could also avoid managing to spill tea up the newly decorated walls that would be helpful – *the Commonwealth Games have finished now so no need to train!*



BIB -


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 17, 2018)

Not an e-mail, but a sign.

One of the pirate radio stations I worked in Ireland during the 80s was a fast moving 'cluster-free', no waffle, hot hits format (modelled on the 80s offshore station - Laser 558 - & using their catch-line, 'you're never more than a minute from the music').

So, above the microphone was a simple sign - 'Got fuck all to say? Say fuck all!'.


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 17, 2018)

there's been a dearth of scolding here recently


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Apr 18, 2018)

Elon Musk: Just walk out of bad meetings

I wonder if Elon Musk sent this email in all caps, with a passive aggressive smiley or two chucked in for good measure...? Probably.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Apr 18, 2018)

Jon-of-arc said:


> Elon Musk: Just walk out of bad meetings
> 
> I wonder if Elon Musk sent this email in all caps, with a passive aggressive smiley or two chucked in for good measure...? Probably.


The voice of somebody who has never actually worked _within_ a company.


----------



## MickiQ (Apr 18, 2018)

FridgeMagnet said:


> The voice of somebody who has never actually worked _within_ a company.


bad meetings are great if you're not the one presenting them, the trick is to let your brain freewheel and go off to your happy place, the important thing to remember is that you're still getting paid.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Apr 18, 2018)

MickiQ said:


> bad meetings are great if you're not the one presenting them, the trick is to let your brain freewheel and go off to your happy place, the important thing to remember is that you're still getting paid.


This works as long as you're not really involved in whatever this stupid meeting is about anyway. However, when you know that the meeting is going to involve people failing to understand what's going on and assigning the wrong tasks to the wrong people, including you, if you don't pay attention, you have to be on alert.

When it's the fifth fucking meeting about the same thing and people are still coming out with the same misapprehensions that they did in the first one, then the urge to murder is really going to come out.


----------



## a_chap (Apr 19, 2018)

Reminds me of meetings I had to attend after a particular reorganisation many years ago. It resulted in someone who had been promoted *waaay* above their competence level being put in charge of a number of teams, mine included.

She then insisted that each Friday morning all the team leaders would attend a meeting - that was, as I recall, about thirteen team leaders. As my team had little-or-no involvement with any of the other teams' functions it seemed to me to be a complete waste of my time so I suggested it would be sensible for me not to attend:

*Me*: There's no real benefit in me spending three hours in these meeting; I can brief you my update in five minutes.

*Her*: you have to attend.

*Me*: But what value do I add? My team doesn't impact any of the other teams' activities.

*Her*: you have to attend.

*Me*: You know we have a major project milestone coming up in a few weeks; losing that much of my time each week will jeopardise the overall delivery.

*Her*: you have to attend

etc, etc...

So I decided that I'd get out of the meetings by annoying her.

Each week I'd question her decisions, point out her inconsistencies, disagree with her reasoning and challenge her assumptions. Which turned out to be thoroughly entertaining for all-bar-one in the meeting. And this was not difficult as she was the quite possibly the most clueless and incompetent "decision maker" I'd encountered. The very definition of knee-jerk reactions, in fact.

The best thing was that the angrier she got (and, oh, how she did get angry!) there'd be a red flush which would appear on her neck and the angrier she got the redder it became _*and the higher up her neck it went*_. I used to see how far up her neck it went before she threw me out of the meeting. Which she did. Every week.

After a month she decided I no longer had to attend the weekly meeting


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 19, 2018)

a_chap said:


> Reminds me of meetings I had to attend after a particular reorganisation many years ago. It resulted in someone who had been promoted *waaay* above their competence level being put in charge of a number of teams, mine included.
> 
> She then insisted that each Friday morning all the team leaders would attend a meeting - that was, as I recall, about thirteen team leaders. As my team had little-or-no involvement with any of the other teams' functions it seemed to me to be a complete waste of my time so I suggested it would be sensible for me not to attend:
> 
> ...


at that point you should have insisted on attending.


----------



## heinous seamus (Apr 19, 2018)

> Good morning,
> 
> 
> I have another complaint about a member of staff throwing liquids from the windows. This time it landed on staff which is utterly unacceptable.
> ...



Tempted to reply all and say "Sorry, the toilets were closed for cleaning and I really was desperate. It won't happen again."


----------



## a_chap (Apr 19, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> at that point you should have insisted on attending.



If my motivation had been to go to the local asylum and prod the inmates for fun then, yes, you'd be right.

But I had people who relied on me doing my job properly. So I felt it was important not to take part in that particular circus.


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 19, 2018)

a_chap said:


> If my motivation had been to go to the local asylum and prod the inmates for fun then, yes, you'd be right.
> 
> But I had people who relied on me doing my job properly. So I felt it was important not to take part in that particular circus.


you were nearly at the point at which your manager would have departed in high dudgeon


----------



## a_chap (Apr 19, 2018)

No. You don't know her. She'd have staggered on through the meeting regardless. Even if everyone had upped and walked out.

I should say that despite her being a *truly terrible *people and business manager she was good fun otherwise. Many a time she and I were the last two standing after an "away day" meeting. Usually around 3am if my addled brains recall correctly.


----------



## Enviro (Apr 25, 2018)

> Good Morning Folks
> 
> 
> I don’t want to complain, but whoever it is can you please stop putting carrier bags in the sharp knife draw.
> ...


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 26, 2018)

I really do not like it when emails start with 'folks'. I also do not like it when people 'don't want to complain' then go on to complain.


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 26, 2018)

I may have to post a passive aggressive scolding office notice cos all of the forks have gone missing, and the plastic cops at my work keep nicking my butter. Coffee and tea is being stolen by people who don't put in for it too. There is discord in the air at dinnertimes


----------



## hegley (May 1, 2018)

_Dear all 
I hate to put a damper on the excellent spirit in [the] office but I was wondering if we could restrict the chat in the office to work-related issues if possible, and keep the social stuff for the kitchen maybe? _​
So now it's like a fucking tomb in here this morning.


----------



## cybershot (May 1, 2018)

hegley said:


> _Dear all
> I hate to put a damper on the excellent spirit in [the] office but I was wondering if we could restrict the chat in the office to work-related issues if possible, and keep the social stuff for the kitchen maybe? _​
> So now it's like a fucking tomb in here this morning.



Whose getting married?


----------



## Schmetterling (May 1, 2018)

hegley said:


> _Dear all
> I hate to put a damper on the excellent spirit in [the] office but I was wondering if we could restrict the chat in the office to work-related issues if possible, and keep the social stuff for the kitchen maybe? _​
> So now it's like a fucking tomb in here this morning.



That actually beggars belief.

ETA Who is this email from?


----------



## hegley (May 1, 2018)

Schmetterling said:


> That actually beggars belief.
> 
> ETA Who is this email from?


An academic, in an open plan office that's a mix of academic and prof services staff.


----------



## Thimble Queen (May 1, 2018)

hegley said:


> _Dear all
> I hate to put a damper on the excellent spirit in [the] office but I was wondering if we could restrict the chat in the office to work-related issues if possible, and keep the social stuff for the kitchen maybe? _​
> So now it's like a fucking tomb in here this morning.



A woman I work with reprimanded me for having a non-work based chat in the lunch area because 'even when shes on a break she's talking about work'. Who the fuck are these people


----------



## Thimble Queen (May 1, 2018)

equationgirl said:


> I really do not like it when emails start with 'folks'. I also do not like it when people 'don't want to complain' then go on to complain.



Folks is at least better than emails thar start with 'guys' ugh.


----------



## Schmetterling (May 1, 2018)

hegley said:


> An academic, in an open plan office that's a mix of academic and prof services staff.



So not even the Office or Floor or Line Manager? In which case the correct response will be Get To Fuck!


----------



## cybershot (May 1, 2018)

Schmetterling said:


> So not even the Office or Floor or Line Manager? In which case the correct response will be Get To Fuck!



Must be a shite Academic anyway, what decent one doesn't have their own massive office?


----------



## joustmaster (May 1, 2018)

Thimble Queen said:


> Folks is at least better than emails thar start with 'guys' ugh.


----------



## ash (May 2, 2018)

Last chance saloon from the toast police !!


----------



## Chemical needs (May 2, 2018)

Ha, my old office are on their last toaster chance too


----------



## cybershot (May 2, 2018)

Fuck sake, just get rid of the fucking toasters already.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 2, 2018)

OK, so new regulations come in on 25th May regarding storing credit card info. We got a mail from HQ stating that if asked by a client we were to direct them to X for an answer. I got a query, forwarded to X who hadn't a Scooby, so he punted on to HQ who came back with this epic bit of bollocks:

[Company Name] has established a cross-functional team to assess and address the application of GDPR to our European and global operations.  We are focused on the development and implementation of company-wide policies, procedures, contracts, and solutions to address GDPR requirements. We anticipate that our effort will involve updates to contractual terms governing client arrangements impacted by GDPR, and therefore expect to reach out to affected clients in due course with such terms. 


We will be ready to answer more specific questions once we assess all applicable items for [co name] and we plan to provide further updates by end of May. 

Thank you for your patience.  Please let us know if you have any questions.


Compliance Office,


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 2, 2018)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> OK, so new regulations come in on 25th May regarding storing credit card info. We got a mail from HQ stating that if asked by a client we were to direct them to X for an answer. I got a query, forwarded to X who hadn't a Scooby, so he punted on to HQ who came back with this epic bit of bollocks:
> 
> [Company Name] has established a cross-functional team to assess and address the application of GDPR to our European and global operations.  We are focused on the development and implementation of company-wide policies, procedures, contracts, and solutions to address GDPR requirements. We anticipate that our effort will involve updates to contractual terms governing client arrangements impacted by GDPR, and therefore expect to reach out to affected clients in due course with such terms.
> 
> ...



The short, and more honest, reply would have been;

This GDPR lark is a right pain in the arse, ATM we haven't a clue how the fuck we are going to deal with it, but we'll let you know when we do.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 2, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> The short, and more honest, reply would have been;
> 
> This GDPR lark is a right pain in the arse, ATM we haven't a clue how the fuck we are going to deal with it, but we'll let you know when we do.



That is, almost word for word what I told my punter, whilst giving them a copy of the flim-flam for their lolz.


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 2, 2018)

I attended this 2 hour talk about GDPR recently, almost drifted off, only to discover the very limited data I hold on clients is exempt from requirements, apart from it being secured, which it is in Xero, in the cloud & password protected. 

That was £50 & 2 hours of my life I'll never get back.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 2, 2018)

I keep all their credit card numbers on a bit of paper in my drawer. That seems to comply with the regulations, whereas as password protected, encrypted puter files fail. 

So.Much.Bullshit.


----------



## kabbes (May 2, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> I attended this 2 hour talk about GDPR recently, almost drifted off, only to discover the very limited data I hold on clients is exempt from requirements, apart from it being secured, which it is in Xero, in the cloud & password protected.
> 
> That was £50 & 2 hours of my life I'll never get back.


If you hold data on fellow members of staff in a structured filing system, though, for example if you have been given an address via email, that is covered by the regulation.  Ever been emailed a CV, for example?


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 2, 2018)

kabbes said:


> If you hold data on fellow members of staff in a structured filing system, though, for example if you have been given an address via email, that is covered by the regulation.  Ever been emailed a CV, for example?



All been deleted long ago*, I've a cracking team, haven't needed to recruit for almost 3 years now.

* All applications have been via e-mail, never printed-out & filed.


----------



## kabbes (May 2, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> All been deleted long ago*, I've a cracking team, haven't needed to recruit for almost 3 years now.
> 
> * All applications have been via e-mail, never printed-out & filed.


It’s not impossible it could happen in the future though, is it?  GDPR isn’t something that happens once then goes away again.

And if applications were by email, are you sure those emails aren’t lurking somewhere on the server?


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 2, 2018)

kabbes said:


> It’s not impossible it could happen in the future though, is it?  GDPR isn’t something that happens once then goes away again.
> 
> And if applications were by email, are you sure those emails aren’t lurking somewhere on the server?



Sure in future it's a consideration.

My hosting is by a local company, I know the owner well, and he was at the same talk as me, and assures me that back-ups from that long ago were deleted long ago, and has sent a long e-mail out to the 15,000+ sites he hosts going into great detail, I am happy I am covered in that respect.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (May 2, 2018)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> OK, so new regulations come in on 25th May regarding storing credit card info. We got a mail from HQ stating that if asked by a client we were to direct them to X for an answer. I got a query, forwarded to X who hadn't a Scooby, so he punted on to HQ who came back with this epic bit of bollocks:
> 
> [Company Name] has established a cross-functional team to assess and address the application of GDPR to our European and global operations.  We are focused on the development and implementation of company-wide policies, procedures, contracts, and solutions to address GDPR requirements. We anticipate that our effort will involve updates to contractual terms governing client arrangements impacted by GDPR, and therefore expect to reach out to affected clients in due course with such terms.
> 
> ...


Literally no company in the entire world seems to have a clue what to do with GDPR, apart from ones like Facebook and Verizon who are basically saying "fuck you sue us". It's actually not that hard but for some reason everyone is having a complete sanity failure. At least some people are _doing_ something I suppose.

I don't want to be too specific but this shit is the absolute bane of my fucking life right now. It's both urgent and important so we must have daily meetings involving dozens of people who know zero about any of it but have to be involved and put their oar in, so even the simplest "let's do this as a baseline" proposals never get agreed until it's too late. Decision-making power is inversely proportional to knowledge. Over the last few weeks it has broken the strongest people I know, who've managed to deal with every sort of internal nonsense in the past.


----------



## kabbes (May 3, 2018)

The irony is that most of the things people are going crazy about were already law under the data protection act anyway.  It’s just that they were ignored because the consequences of failure were so paltry.


----------



## equationgirl (May 4, 2018)

kabbes said:


> It’s not impossible it could happen in the future though, is it?  GDPR isn’t something that happens once then goes away again.
> 
> And if applications were by email, are you sure those emails aren’t lurking somewhere on the server?


I have been part of our GDPR task force team and my company has discovered it holds way more personal info than it thought. Our IT system takes various backups, including tape for long term storage, and there is tons of stuff in there. Even if I delete things like CVs, references, stuff for people who have left etc it's still on the backup.


----------



## equationgirl (May 4, 2018)

FridgeMagnet said:


> Literally no company in the entire world seems to have a clue what to do with GDPR, apart from ones like Facebook and Verizon who are basically saying "fuck you sue us". It's actually not that hard but for some reason everyone is having a complete sanity failure. At least some people are _doing_ something I suppose.
> 
> I don't want to be too specific but this shit is the absolute bane of my fucking life right now. It's both urgent and important so we must have daily meetings involving dozens of people who know zero about any of it but have to be involved and put their oar in, so even the simplest "let's do this as a baseline" proposals never get agreed until it's too late. Decision-making power is inversely proportional to knowledge. Over the last few weeks it has broken the strongest people I know, who've managed to deal with every sort of internal nonsense in the past.


My company has been working on GDPR compliance for over a year, it almost seems like an impossible task.


----------



## kabbes (May 4, 2018)

equationgirl said:


> I have been part of our GDPR task force team and my company has discovered it holds way more personal info than it thought. Our IT system takes various backups, including tape for long term storage, and there is tons of stuff in there. Even if I delete things like CVs, references, stuff for people who have left etc it's still on the backup.


Yeah, it's a reet nightmare.  

Imagine you're an insurance company and you have 25 years of customer databases and you employ teams of actuaries that over the years have thought nothing of taking cuts of those databases and using them to calculate all kinds of things for the business, storing their calculations on their local hard drives as they go.  Oh, and under GDPR, you aren't allowed to carry on using the results of those calculations because they were performed using data that you don't have permission to use for that specific purpose, but you aren't sure which results fall into that category.


----------



## cybershot (May 4, 2018)

I can't wait for May 25th. I'm going to emailing loads of places asking for what they have on me and who they sell it to.


----------



## cybershot (May 11, 2018)




----------



## 19sixtysix (May 11, 2018)

equationgirl said:


> My company has been working on GDPR compliance for over a year, it almost seems like an impossible task.



GDPR will be badly implemented by so many companies who will end up with corporate dementia from having disposed of all their information in a panic.


----------



## Pickman's model (May 11, 2018)

a very polite scolding email


----------



## equationgirl (May 11, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> a very polite scolding email
> View attachment 135028


A refrigeration Committee?????


----------



## hippogriff (May 11, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> a very polite scolding email
> View attachment 135028



Cool


----------



## Mumbles274 (May 14, 2018)

lamb1979 had this gem the other day. Someone accidentally left said offending sanitary product on the floor of the loo. Rather than the finder simply grabbing a glove (it's a nursery) and chucking it in the bin there was hours of debate and drama about how disgusting it was etc etc. Never mind the poor person that did it probably felt awful about the mistake and felt shamed all afternoon.. No, it's an 'Incident'

Cunts


----------



## equationgirl (May 14, 2018)

Mumbles274 said:


> lamb1979 had this gem the other day. Someone accidentally left said offending sanitary product on the floor of the loo. Rather than the finder simply grabbing a glove (it's a nursery) and chucking it in the bin there was hours of debate and drama about how disgusting it was etc etc. Never mind the poor person that did it probably felt awful about the mistake and felt shamed all afternoon.. No, it's an 'Incident'
> 
> Cunts
> 
> View attachment 135364


Work loos for women seem to have two main issues, in my experience - 1) not every cubicle has a sanitary items bin in it and 2) no shelf or ledges to put items while you're sorting yourself out. The floor is usually the nearest flattest surface, especially as most loo roll holders seem to be in round cases, so no flat top. 

So can totally see how this happened.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 14, 2018)

Might be nsfw...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 14, 2018)

Mumbles274 said:


> lamb1979 had this gem the other day. Someone accidentally left said offending sanitary product on the floor of the loo. Rather than the finder simply grabbing a glove (it's a nursery) and chucking it in the bin there was hours of debate and drama about how disgusting it was etc etc. Never mind the poor person that did it probably felt awful about the mistake and felt shamed all afternoon.. No, it's an 'Incident'
> 
> Cunts
> 
> View attachment 135364




Massive health and safety risk? The jam-rag’s gonna explode or something?


----------



## Orang Utan (May 16, 2018)

Cops keep stealing my butter


----------



## fishfinger (May 16, 2018)

That's not butter, they won't steal that muck


----------



## Enviro (May 21, 2018)




----------



## Pickman's model (May 23, 2018)

more fun with the departmental credit card


----------



## equationgirl (May 23, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> more fun with the departmental credit card
> 
> View attachment 136143


I reckon amazon marketplace could be secondhand or hard to source books so could be legit. The purchase for £129.99 could be a PlayStation though...


----------



## Pickman's model (May 23, 2018)

equationgirl said:


> I reckon amazon marketplace could be secondhand or hard to source books so could be legit. The purchase for £129.99 could be a PlayStation though...


i believe some people have copied down the card numbers and are using them for their own nefarious purposes.


----------



## equationgirl (May 23, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> i believe some people have copied down the card numbers and are using them for their own nefarious purposes.


And in a library too, I am shocked I tell you, shocked. To my very core. Naughty library staff. 

Hopefully it's just one person and not a whole bunch.


----------



## equationgirl (May 23, 2018)

I am relying on you for Amazongate updates, Pickman's model.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 23, 2018)




----------



## a_chap (May 23, 2018)

I assume plenty of answers like "A condom full of drugs"


----------



## Orang Utan (May 23, 2018)




----------



## equationgirl (May 23, 2018)

a_chap said:


> I assume plenty of answers like "A condom full of drugs"


More likely 'a kilo of crack and a machete'


----------



## teuchter (May 23, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> View attachment 136176


"Foreign style of writing"?


----------



## Orang Utan (May 23, 2018)

teuchter said:


> "Foreign style of writing"?


Yes, people do handwriting different in different places, especially numbers


----------



## Pickman's model (May 24, 2018)

equationgirl said:


> I am relying on you for Amazongate updates, Pickman's model.


the game's nearly up


----------



## marty21 (May 24, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> View attachment 136176


I've had stuff from ebay wrapped like that


----------



## teuchter (May 25, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> Yes, people do handwriting different in different places, especially numbers


I know. But the handwriting in the image does not look foreign in any way to me.


----------



## Cloo (May 25, 2018)

Email's just been round saying that 'hygiene products' have been left in someone's drawers ono this floor and someone had better own up. Took me a moment to realise they presumably mean something like deodorant and soap, ie someone dropping a massively passive aggressive hint this person is on the smelly side.


----------



## existentialist (May 26, 2018)

Cloo said:


> Email's just been round saying that 'hygiene products' have been left in someone's drawers ono this floor and someone had better own up. Took me a moment to realise they presumably mean something like deodorant and soap, ie someone dropping a massively passive aggressive hint this person is on the smelly side.


Streisand effect, anyone?


----------



## Cloo (May 26, 2018)

existentialist said:


> Streisand effect, anyone?


I did think that now everyone is wondering who the victim and 'assailant' are!


----------



## existentialist (May 26, 2018)

Cloo said:


> I did think that now everyone is wondering who the victim and 'assailant' are!


Quite


----------



## Pickman's model (May 30, 2018)




----------



## Pickman's model (May 30, 2018)




----------



## Celyn (May 30, 2018)

It's unfortunate that the cockroach was seen on the stairs rather than the mouse, really, as it ruins the potential for some evil colleague to sing about a little mouse with clogs on.


----------



## Jon-of-arc (May 31, 2018)

Not sure if this is the right place, but Poundland showing how it's done...

Rail firm in Poundland chocolate row


----------



## kabbes (May 31, 2018)

Jon-of-arc said:


> Not sure if this is the right place, but Poundland showing how it's done...
> 
> Rail firm in Poundland chocolate row


Oof.  Poundland really put the boot in about Thameslink’s shitty service record.  A list of evidenced failures.  It’s all a bit Streisand Effect.


----------



## DotCommunist (May 31, 2018)

amusing though. Presumably theres someone somewhere who is paid to care about Poundland's brand identity. He's been near in tears to see the 'xxx is like a pounland yyyy' meme take off. But getting mugged off by Thameslink has pushed them to action. This far, and no further.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 31, 2018)

tbf Poundland's brand is quite strong, they sell cheap products cheaply. They do not strive to offer shit service a la Ryanair, nor sell crap products, Ratner. So when someone publicly states that Poundland is shit that is quite a slur. Especially coming from a company with as many shortcomings as fucking Thameslink!


----------



## Jon-of-arc (May 31, 2018)

This is from my current flatmate (she is more than a bit sketchy).  I have no idea who it's aimed at.  

 

I have given her no indication that I'm likely to trash her flowers, and we get on pretty damned well.


----------



## teuchter (Jun 1, 2018)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> tbf Poundland's brand is quite strong, they sell cheap products cheaply. They do not strive to offer shit service a la Ryanair, nor sell crap products, Ratner. So when someone publicly states that Poundland is shit that is quite a slur. Especially coming from a company with as many shortcomings as fucking Thameslink!


No-one stated that they are "shit". They simply compared a Poundland product with another one. The implication was simply that cooking chocolate from Poundland would be less desirable than Fererro Rocher. Are Poundland disputing this? I think Thameslink should have stood firm on the matter.


----------



## Edie (Jun 1, 2018)

Jon-of-arc said:


> This is from my current flatmate (she is more than a bit sketchy).  I have no idea who it's aimed at.
> 
> View attachment 136832
> 
> I have given her no indication that I'm likely to trash her flowers, and we get on pretty damned well.


That’s fucking awesome and disturbing 

_I will get probation for poppys or roses etc_


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Jun 1, 2018)

Edie said:


> That’s fucking awesome and disturbing
> 
> _I will get probation for poppys or roses etc_



Not chrysanthemums, though.


----------



## hegley (Jun 1, 2018)




----------



## FridgeMagnet (Jun 1, 2018)

hegley said:


>


that's been going around for decades and has never been true


----------



## kabbes (Jun 3, 2018)

Jon-of-arc said:


> This is from my current flatmate (she is more than a bit sketchy).  I have no idea who it's aimed at.
> 
> View attachment 136832
> 
> I have given her no indication that I'm likely to trash her flowers, and we get on pretty damned well.


“Peeed”


----------



## dolly's gal (Jun 4, 2018)

Jon-of-arc said:


> This is from my current flatmate (she is more than a bit sketchy).  I have no idea who it's aimed at.



Presumably aimed at you, seeing as though you’re the only other person there 

Did you piss on her poppies Jon? C’mon you can tell us


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 8, 2018)




----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jun 8, 2018)

Now I sympathise with this as I need one of these handset to do my job and I really like the woman who put this up but she is overly zealous about missing handsets! I do admire the way she took photos and laminated them 

The general consensus (out of her earshot) is that nothing will change and indeed I found 'my' handset (Yes they are numbered. No. 6 or 7 are ostensibly to be used by my department!) balancing on a crate of wine in the warehouse this morning


----------



## sorearm (Jun 10, 2018)

Someone left a can of coke in the fridge and somehow it managed to explode ... said contents of the can of coke where still all over the inside of the fridge for 2 days ... it was like some interesting contest to keep on opening the fridge, see if it had been cleaned up and then close the door


----------



## cybershot (Jun 11, 2018)

Can of Love?


----------



## sorearm (Jun 11, 2018)

We have an addition... shouty upper caps


----------



## sorearm (Jun 11, 2018)

... seems to be the same 'coke can' notemaker

... knocked off marks for attempts at mixing lowercase and uppercase (dotted 'i') ... maybe someone should correct it with red pen?


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 11, 2018)

sorearm said:


> We have an addition... shouty upper caps
> 
> View attachment 137880


Why don't they recycle?


----------



## sorearm (Jun 11, 2018)

equationgirl said:


> Why don't they recycle?



It's seriously annoying.  This floor is in NHS hospital, but is a mixture of university and NHS.  Now, we do have recycling bins on the ground floors ... but there's none here, despite repeated requests to Estates. Not very 'green' is it?  One of the secretaries used to bag up loads of recycling and take it down but she left - I tend to recycle what I can, keeping my cans / bottles underneath my desk, we share the floor with other groups and they don't seem to give AF.  So annoying.


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 11, 2018)

sorearm said:


> It's seriously annoying.  This floor is in NHS hospital, but is a mixture of university and NHS.  Now, we do have recycling bins on the ground floors ... but there's none here, despite repeated requests to Estates. Not very 'green' is it?  One of the secretaries used to bag up loads of recycling and take it down but she left - I tend to recycle what I can, keeping my cans / bottles underneath my desk, we share the floor with other groups and they don't seem to give AF.  So annoying.


I suspect the estates people say it's the university's responsibility and vice versa. It's a shame though, because many employers have site wide recycling these days. My own soon to be former employer actually banned waste bins and replaced them with recycling bins. There were a few people who kept their bins but that was because they are special.


----------



## sorearm (Jun 11, 2018)

equationgirl said:


> I suspect the estates people say it's the university's responsibility and vice versa. It's a shame though, because many employers have site wide recycling these days. My own soon to be former employer actually banned waste bins and replaced them with recycling bins. There were a few people who kept their bins but that was because they are special.



That's precisely the conundrum.  It's stupid as the university has really, really good recycling policies and bins ... but that would mean a uni staff member has to do it ,... and it's technically a NHS building ... and so it goes back and forth ... stupid. Utterly fucking stupid.


----------



## strung out (Jun 13, 2018)




----------



## equationgirl (Jun 14, 2018)

strung out said:


> View attachment 138081


Intriguing...


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jun 20, 2018)

This is by the same woman who made the ones about the handsets.

Once again I am sympathetic as there always seems to be at least one loo out of action due to blockages but "WHAT NATURE PROVIDES" amused me greatly!


----------



## marty21 (Jun 22, 2018)

> Does anyone know if the basement showers at XXX are supposed to be cleaned regularly? They are as dirty as Donald Trump's finances (though probably not as mucky as his activities in Russian hotels bedrooms to be fair)
> Should this be raised with the XXX Services helpdesk?



On the internal message board, available to all staff


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 28, 2018)

cardgate continues equationgirl


----------



## dervish (Jun 28, 2018)

Surely as the card holder it wouldn't be too difficult to phone up and query the charges? Especially the easyjet one.


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 28, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> cardgate continues equationgirl
> 
> View attachment 139254


Interesting. I see someone has doubled down with a flight. 

I would be tempted to cancel the card and ask for one with a new number.


----------



## Badgers (Jul 12, 2018)




----------



## Pickman's model (Jul 12, 2018)

equationgirl said:


> Interesting. I see someone has doubled down with a flight.
> 
> I would be tempted to cancel the card and ask for one with a new number.


poor Badgers has had someone double down with a shite


----------



## Pickman's model (Jul 12, 2018)

Badgers said:


>



who sends work stuff from a twitter a/c 'itty bitty titty committee'?


----------



## Pickman's model (Jul 12, 2018)




----------



## equationgirl (Jul 12, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 140993


A bit tame for my liking - needs more 'slip hazards', 'someone is going to break their neck' and random unnecessary exclamation points. 

5/10 could do better


----------



## Pickman's model (Jul 12, 2018)

equationgirl said:


> A bit tame for my liking - needs more 'slip hazards', 'someone is going to break their neck' and random unnecessary exclamation points.
> 
> 5/10 could do better


Can't have a 'the key to the poison cupboard has gone from the drawer beneath it' all the time sadly


----------



## equationgirl (Jul 12, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> Can't have a 'the key to the poison cupboard has gone from the drawer beneath it' all the time sadly


One of my favourites, that one. 

Did it have any novichok in it?


----------



## Pickman's model (Jul 13, 2018)

equationgirl said:


> One of my favourites, that one.
> 
> Did it have any novichok in it?


Not afterwards


----------



## mrs quoad (Jul 20, 2018)




----------



## a_chap (Jul 20, 2018)

For goodness sake, how's anyone supposed to get approval if the IT Team keep scribbling out the name of the person to contact


----------



## cybershot (Jul 20, 2018)

To be fair that used to drive us fucking nuts when I worked as 2nd line IT support.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 21, 2018)

^^^ Love the use of coloured text, but it should have been in comic sans, they missed a trick there.


----------



## A380 (Jul 21, 2018)

mrs quoad said:


> View attachment 141702


Another IT department manager who thinks the organisation exists to support the IT department...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 26, 2018)




----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jul 28, 2018)

doing the rounds on the interwebs







more here


----------



## DotCommunist (Jul 28, 2018)

anyone else unsuprised its the head of a recruitment business?


----------



## Enviro (Aug 10, 2018)

This one is not so much scolding, but seeking to prevent a situation where a  scolding may be necessary ....


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Aug 10, 2018)

Enviro said:


> This one is not so much scolding, but seeking to prevent a situation where a  scolding may be necessary ....
> 
> View attachment 143642


...why is the milk in the server room

or why is the server room on the way to the milk room

I see no situation in which this is good


----------



## 8115 (Aug 10, 2018)

FridgeMagnet said:


> ...why is the milk in the server room
> 
> or why is the server room on the way to the milk room
> 
> I see no situation in which this is good


Everybody likes warm server room milk. Mmm mmmm.


----------



## nadia (Aug 10, 2018)

the server room at my place is one of the only places with air con


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Aug 10, 2018)

nadia said:


> the server room at my place is one of the only places with air con


They generally do, servers generate a lot of heat and need cooling. In a sense they are good places to also keep milk. In another sense, the milk/server interaction sense, they are really bad places to keep milk.


----------



## kalmatthew (Aug 10, 2018)

FridgeMagnet said:


> ...why is the milk in the server room
> 
> or why is the server room on the way to the milk room
> 
> I see no situation in which this is good



Why does the server room have carpet?


----------



## nadia (Aug 10, 2018)

in recent weeks we have welcomed the trickle of cold air seeping from the bottom of the locked server room


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Aug 10, 2018)

kalmatthew said:


> Why does the server room have carpet?


Servers get anxious if footsteps around them are too loud.


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 10, 2018)

(((((servers)))))


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Aug 10, 2018)

The reason I quit my last job was because of a manager who emailed me about a very minor mistake I had made - the type that everyone on the team had made at some point. Fair enough, it was her job to give feedback, but I didn't like the fact that she felt it necessary to copy in the whole team (peppered with a whole load of red bolded text and "We should ALWAYS follow X procedure. NEVER Y procedure. EVER. I won't tell you again." (I hadn't been told in the first place.) I emailed her back (just her, I wasn't horrible enough to embarrass her back) to explain that I was happy for her to let me know about errors so I could correct them but I would appreciate it if she didn't CC other people unless they were also managers who oversaw my work.

I was dragged into a meeting with her and the manager she reported to, they said they were "very disappointed" at my reaction and that they would "never have thought it of me". They wanted me to apologise to her for "challenging her authority". I refused and was told I'd be disciplined if I didn't. I told them I'd save them the bother and walked straight out! That's when I began busking. I was sorry to leave my teammates behind, particularly one bloke, but we're still friends today.

TLDR: Fuck managers who humiliate staff and treat them like children.


----------



## Enviro (Aug 13, 2018)

kalmatthew said:


> Why does the server room have carpet?



The fridge was being replaced. Whilst running down the old fridge it made the carpet tiles in the kitchen wet. They were put in the server room to dry out. There was problems with the new fridge so milk was being kept cool in the server/ carpet tile drying room. Of course.


----------



## kabbes (Aug 15, 2018)

Doesn’t putting something in the server room to dry out mean that the server room’s humidity will increase, which is bad for the servers?  Is t the whole point to keep the servers in a humid free environment?


----------



## MickiQ (Aug 15, 2018)

kabbes said:


> Doesn’t putting something in the server room to dry out mean that the server room’s humidity will increase, which is bad for the servers?  Is t the whole point to keep the servers in a humid free environment?


Only a trivial amount and since the amount of moisture that the air can hold is directly related to its temperature, the air-condititioning would remove it anyway. Servers need to be kept cool, for devices that are so vulnerable to heat they produce a lot of it.   If the air conditioning goes off  in any decent sized server room there is often a mad rush to shut everything down  before it cooks itself.


----------



## dervish (Aug 17, 2018)

Just next to our desks we have a small server (comms really) room. It's always a decent amount cooler in there than in the office, we call it the fridge and store any dinner we have bought at lunch in there. I'm not sure that was why only we have the keys to the room, but it works for us.


----------



## isvicthere? (Aug 17, 2018)

Genuine question: what's a "server room"?


----------



## Artaxerxes (Aug 17, 2018)

The little penis elevates this to greatness.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Aug 17, 2018)

isvicthere? said:


> Genuine question: what's a "server room"?


i think it's a modern term for a butler's pantry


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 17, 2018)

isvicthere? said:


> Genuine question: what's a "server room"?



A room full of computer servers.


----------



## nuffsaid (Aug 17, 2018)




----------



## Mumbles274 (Aug 23, 2018)

> When I arrived this morning the front pathway was full of rubbish where the seagulls have raided our weekly rubbish bags.
> 
> 
> I note that 4 members of staff were in before me and it would appear that no attempt had been made to assist with the clearing up.
> ...


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 23, 2018)

^^^ Fucking seagulls. 

But, TBF, the problem is easily solved by buying some dustbins.


----------



## cybershot (Aug 23, 2018)

Bins with lids probably cost less than the amount of work time they are spending cleaning it up, if they need a 'business case' to buy some bins!


----------



## Mumbles274 (Aug 23, 2018)

cybershot said:


> Bins with lids probably cost less than the amount of work time they are spending cleaning it up, if they need a 'business case' to buy some bins!


They can't even stretch to pens!


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 31, 2018)

Badgers equationgirl


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 2, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 145606
> 
> 
> 
> Badgers equationgirl


An excellent example of the genre. One can imagine the author furiously typing through gritted teeth. 

I was looking for that bottle of chloroform though...


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 5, 2018)

cardgate carries on


----------



## Idris2002 (Sep 5, 2018)

nuffsaid said:


>


Australia, right?


----------



## cybershot (Sep 5, 2018)

Cancel the card already.


----------



## nuffsaid (Sep 5, 2018)

Idris2002 said:


> Australia, right?



dunno, sorry, just saw it online.


----------



## smmudge (Sep 5, 2018)

Idris2002 said:


> Australia, right?



I don't think it would be. I've heard they've got a saying in Australia, "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." 

So their signs would tell you not to flush if it's just piss.


----------



## Idris2002 (Sep 5, 2018)

smmudge said:


> I don't think it would be. I've heard they've got a saying in Australia, "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down."
> 
> So their signs would tell you not to flush if it's just piss.


The spice must flow.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 5, 2018)

smmudge said:


> I don't think it would be. I've heard they've got a saying in Australia, "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down."
> 
> So their signs would tell you not to flush if it's just piss.



Heard Ken Livingstone say the same thing was in place in his house years ago.

The dirty bastard.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 5, 2018)

Pickman's model pret?! Tesco?! More amazon purchases?! Time to make card misuse a disciplinary offence.


----------



## Enviro (Sep 6, 2018)

A picture has gone up in our office kitchen/ eating area showing bacteria counts on various parts of a work station, with the hand written note above saying "desks have 400X more bacteria than toilet seats".

I suspect this is due to people eating at their desks which is strictly verboten since we move to a flashy new office.

I'm just trying to figure out how best to subvert this. Thinking of either adding "all food to be eaten off toilet seats" or "depending on how clean your bum is" ... just considering my options whilst snacking at my desk


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 6, 2018)

Have a shit on the kitchen counter.


----------



## BristolEcho (Sep 6, 2018)

LeytonCatLady said:


> The reason I quit my last job was because of a manager who emailed me about a very minor mistake I had made - the type that everyone on the team had made at some point. Fair enough, it was her job to give feedback, but I didn't like the fact that she felt it necessary to copy in the whole team (peppered with a whole load of red bolded text and "We should ALWAYS follow X procedure. NEVER Y procedure. EVER. I won't tell you again." (I hadn't been told in the first place.) I emailed her back (just her, I wasn't horrible enough to embarrass her back) to explain that I was happy for her to let me know about errors so I could correct them but I would appreciate it if she didn't CC other people unless they were also managers who oversaw my work.
> 
> I was dragged into a meeting with her and the manager she reported to, they said they were "very disappointed" at my reaction and that they would "never have thought it of me". They wanted me to apologise to her for "challenging her authority". I refused and was told I'd be disciplined if I didn't. I told them I'd save them the bother and walked straight out! That's when I began busking. I was sorry to leave my teammates behind, particularly one bloke, but we're still friends today.
> 
> TLDR: Fuck managers who humiliate staff and treat them like children.



Sorry to drag up an old post but that's awful. Glad you told them to stick it. I think you could have challenged any further action they tried to take anyway.


----------



## nuffsaid (Sep 6, 2018)

A notice went up on our fridge at work telling people not to adjust the temperature settings as it could lead to food spoilage and possible cause failure of the fridge if constantly tampered with.

Who on earth fiddles with fridge settings at a work location? It's a fridge, put your milk in it and it will keep cool - leave...it...alone..


----------



## Sapphireblue (Sep 6, 2018)

nuffsaid said:


> A notice went up on our fridge at work telling people not to adjust the temperature settings as it could lead to food spoilage and possible cause failure of the fridge if constantly tampered with.
> 
> Who on earth fiddles with fridge settings at a work location? It's a fridge, put your milk in it and it will keep cool - leave...it...alone..



if the fridge is jammed full of stuff someone can end up accidentally knocking the setting dial down so it's not cold enough. i've known that happen so that's probably what happened rather than a deliberate turn down.


----------



## nuffsaid (Sep 6, 2018)

Sapphireblue said:


> if the fridge is jammed full of stuff someone can end up accidentally knocking the setting dial down so it's not cold enough. i've known that happen so that's probably what happened rather than a deliberate turn down.



Well it was a new fridge and the sign turned up within the first few hours and the woman looking after it was really hacked off after waiting for a new fridge to turn up people seemed to be messing with it...but I suppose it could have been over exuberance at a new fridge, that is significantly larger than the old one, but still gets full, much like the example of the student house rubbish bin, add another to cope with the load, that fills up to.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 6, 2018)




----------



## MickiQ (Sep 6, 2018)

If you're not supposed to lock them how does it work where you're doing a number2? do you have to sit there with one foot holding the door shut?


----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 6, 2018)

whistling


----------



## cybershot (Sep 6, 2018)

Enviro said:


> A picture has gone up in our office kitchen/ eating area showing bacteria counts on various parts of a work station, with the hand written note above saying "desks have 400X more bacteria than toilet seats".
> 
> I suspect this is due to people eating at their desks which is strictly verboten since we move to a flashy new office.
> 
> I'm just trying to figure out how best to subvert this. Thinking of either adding "all food to be eaten off toilet seats" or "depending on how clean your bum is" ... just considering my options whilst snacking at my desk



Supply us with desk wipes and keyboard wipes then!


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Sep 6, 2018)

cybershot said:


> Supply us with desk wipes and keyboard wipes then!


There's a plan to move everyone to hotdesking at work and I can see that this is going to be an issue. People have different hygiene standards and even if you're tolerant of a bit of filth, _your_ filth is different from _someone else's_ filth.


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 6, 2018)

FridgeMagnet said:


> There's a plan to move everyone to hotdesking at work and I can see that this is going to be an issue. People have different hygiene standards and even if you're tolerant of a bit of filth, _your_ filth is different from _someone else's_ filth.


It's such a shit idea I can't believe people are still implementing hotdesking


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 6, 2018)

MickiQ said:


> If you're not supposed to lock them how does it work where you're doing a number2? do you have to sit there with one foot holding the door shut?


teuchter's the man to ask, he's given the matter much thought


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Sep 6, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> It's such a shit idea I can't believe people are still implementing hotdesking


It’s the one thing that has literally never worked anywhere and everyone across every office hates. In a way it’s a unifying class consciousness thing.

They probably won’t get the budget for it anyway.


----------



## quiet guy (Sep 6, 2018)

MickiQ said:


> If you're not supposed to lock them how does it work where you're doing a number2? do you have to sit there with one foot holding the door shut?


Variation on a football chant - You only sing when you're sh**ing


----------



## Badgers (Sep 7, 2018)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 146250


Bit of insight into this unusual door scolding sign. This is from my old place of work and is one of the women's toilet cubicles in the warehouse. Seems that some of the departments had been claiming 'their own' cubicle and using it to store stuff in. Locking it from the outside so that nobody else can use it or use 'their towel'


----------



## kabbes (Sep 7, 2018)

Enviro said:


> A picture has gone up in our office kitchen/ eating area showing bacteria counts on various parts of a work station, with the hand written note above saying "desks have 400X more bacteria than toilet seats".
> 
> I suspect this is due to people eating at their desks which is strictly verboten since we move to a flashy new office.
> 
> I'm just trying to figure out how best to subvert this. Thinking of either adding "all food to be eaten off toilet seats" or "depending on how clean your bum is" ... just considering my options whilst snacking at my desk


Bacteria count is irrelevant.  It’s the type of bacteria that matters.  Yoghurt has billions of bacteria but you’d rather eat that than one-four hundredth the quantity of e-coli


----------



## existentialist (Sep 7, 2018)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 146250


Fucking hell. Someone's got some control issues.

ETA: OK, in the light of Badgers' explanation, it's not so much about control as being pretty bloody useless at expressing themselves.


----------



## existentialist (Sep 7, 2018)

kabbes said:


> Bacteria count is irrelevant.  It’s the type of bacteria that matters.  Yoghurt has billions of bacteria but you’d rather eat that than one-four hundredth the quantity of e-coli


Yeah. "Kills 99.9% of all known germs". Of which 99%* (of the 99.9%, mister number person ) are completely benign. I have arguments with family members about this.

*all numbers may be pulled out of thin air, and are used for illustrative purposes only.


----------



## existentialist (Sep 7, 2018)

I haven't actually got an example of the scolding email/poster, because it hasn't been written yet.

But Mrs E came back from her little office job yesterday, all cross because people aren't putting their dirty cups and glasses in the dishwasher, and suggesting all kinds of passive-aggressive parental-style notices they might post in the kitchen area.

Mindful of this thread, I suggested that maybe there was a reason for this. 2 minutes' discussion confirmed that the offences were most likely committed when the dishwasher was in use, and the cups therefore couldn't be put in it until it had finished.

So I've suggested that maybe a notice, treating the people like adults, and offering a suggestion as to how to resolve the issue (eg, wash them up by hand, or rinse them out and stack them in a specific place) might serve better than a rant about "you wouldn't do this at home".

I honestly believe that most of these notices get written by people in high dudgeon, and serve only to immortalise and advertise a flash of pique, rather than being a useful effort at making stuff work better.

My apologies for my part in reducing the number of scolding emails in the world.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 7, 2018)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 7, 2018)

existentialist said:


> *all numbers may be pulled out of thin air my arse, and are used for illustrative purposes only.



CFY


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Sep 7, 2018)

BristolEcho said:


> Sorry to drag up an old post but that's awful. Glad you told them to stick it. I think you could have challenged any further action they tried to take anyway.



Thanks. Managers like that dig their own grave soon enough anyway, though. I know I'm not the only one who left because of her. She had done a similar thing to my friend who also worked on the team (not by email, it was a verbal dressing down in front of others. I wasn't in the room at the time), and I later found out that by a weird coincidence, he had put in his resignation (2 months' notice) on the same day for that reason. (I admired him for being so professional!) 

I gave him consent to explain to our teammates why I had walked out, and he often told me everyone missed me, and were shocked that one minute I was there and then I wasn't, but were also envious that I had escaped. When I got home that afternoon, I emailed Big Boss to explain what had happened, and that I was sorry not to be able to provide a notice period, but under the circumstances I really didn't feel I could stay any longer. She sent me a fucking ESSAY back that I didn't even bother to read through, because the general gist of it was basically "Well, we're right and you're wrong." That didn't stop her approaching my friend shortly before his departure to ask "Would Leyton Cat Lady come back?" because she hadn't been able to find a replacement for him. I told him she should approach me herself and not use him as a go-between, and that the answer was definitely no. 

It wasn't only because of that anyway - this company had started making all call centre staff wear a uniform, despite the fact we were on the phones and no one could see us, and also all the other teams could still wear what they liked, as long as it was office appropriate. It felt really stigmatising, like some sort of corporate jumpsuit, especially when certain people from other teams started talking to us like shit because they thought we were lower status. The management also banned us from having tea breaks because we couldn't be trusted to leave our desk to get our own - instead they introduced a tea rota whereby we would each take it in turns to make drinks for the whole team. When the email announcing this was sent round, I don't think I was very popular with management after I replied all to ask if the designated teamaker was also going to take toilet breaks on everyone else's behalf. 

But yeah, the scolding email thing was basically a last straw. As I said, managers do themselves no favours with that crap. They behave like arseholes and then wonder why they can't get the staff.


----------



## BristolEcho (Sep 7, 2018)

I think some managers can get caught up in their own self importance. All the decent managers I've had actually listen to staff and don't just assume they know everything. Sounds like you're well shot of the place anyway and it's good your next move has worked out. 

I've sent a scalding email before. When our managers were giving staff a hard time over medication errors I emailed them back calling them out for lack of training etc from an anonymous account copying in everyone. Looking back from an organising point of view it was stupid and I luckily got away with it. They did quickly put training in place and laid off of us a bit so it was a result in some ways. 

I do understand that medication errors are serious, but they were blaming it all on the support staff without looking at their own areas. 

I also emailed one of my ex bosses telling him to fuck off by accident which I somehow got away with. I should stay away from emails really.


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Sep 7, 2018)

BristolEcho said:


> I also emailed one of my ex bosses telling him to fuck off by accident which I somehow got away with. I should stay away from emails really.



Ha ha, that's funny! Before or after you stopped working for him?


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Sep 7, 2018)

LeytonCatLady said:


> I replied all to ask if the designated teamaker was also going to take toilet breaks on everyone else's behalf.


----------



## BristolEcho (Sep 7, 2018)

LeytonCatLady said:


> Ha ha, that's funny! Before or after you stopped working for him?



While I was working for him, and I kept my job after. I did eventually leave though after he was rude to me one morning and I asked him not to be. Similar to you he called me and I walked out that day. 

He was the owner of the company and used to flaunt his wealth everywhere. I think I was protected by my line manager on the first occasion as we have a good relationship. 

The thing is despite all his wealth I didn't really envy him. He used to be on his phone all day shouting at people, and generally wasn't a very nice person. I'd rather not be like that to be honest.


----------



## Whagwan (Sep 11, 2018)

So it's not a scolding e-mail but I think this is probably the best thread for this:

This travesty has appeared in my office.  A montage of Christmas and summer party photos with an inspirational quote from Queenie.  

Every time I look at it I want to abuse the colleagues I do get on with just to remove this illusion of 'family' they are attempting to instill.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 11, 2018)

Resign  Now


----------



## Whagwan (Sep 11, 2018)

They've actually been pretty decent to me in my 6 years here but fuck that shit.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Sep 11, 2018)

Whagwan said:


> So it's not a scolding e-mail but I think this is probably the best thread for this:
> 
> This travesty has appeared in my office.  A montage of Christmas and summer party photos with an inspirational quote from Queenie.
> 
> Every time I look at it I want to abuse the colleagues I do get on with just to remove this illusion of 'family' they are attempting to instill.





how about seeing how long it is before anyone notices if you discreetly replace the photos with edited versions.

add a serial killer or two , or something like that...


----------



## MickiQ (Sep 11, 2018)

Whagwan said:


> So it's not a scolding e-mail but I think this is probably the best thread for this:
> 
> This travesty has appeared in my office.  A montage of Christmas and summer party photos with an inspirational quote from Queenie.
> 
> Every time I look at it I want to abuse the colleagues I do get on with just to remove this illusion of 'family' they are attempting to instill.


At first glance I thought the group shot immiediately over the blurb was a promo photo from Wrath of Khan


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 11, 2018)

Whagwan said:


> So it's not a scolding e-mail but I think this is probably the best thread for this:
> 
> This travesty has appeared in my office.  A montage of Christmas and summer party photos with an inspirational quote from Queenie.
> 
> Every time I look at it I want to abuse the colleagues I do get on with just to remove this illusion of 'family' they are attempting to instill.


who took all those photos? did they consent to them being copied and displayed in a commercial environment?


----------



## Looby (Sep 11, 2018)

I’d go fucking postal if my photos ended up on the wall at work but even more so if they were posted on message board!


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 12, 2018)

Puddy_Tat said:


> how about seeing how long it is before anyone notices if you discreetly replace the photos with edited versions.
> 
> add a serial killer or two , or something like that...


Add bundy, no-one will notice.


----------



## A380 (Sep 15, 2018)

Manson ‘Family’ spring to mind. Or the Adams Family for something a bit lighter.


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Sep 17, 2018)

A real sign at my new place of work.


----------



## mx wcfc (Sep 17, 2018)

"Power has been restored to the building, so the office will be open as normal tomorrow"

Bastards.


----------



## teuchter (Sep 18, 2018)

Jon-of-arc said:


> A real sign at my new place of work.
> View attachment 147237


I like how he's not even managing to get it to go in the washbasin.

The only reasonable interpretaion of the meaning is 'aim for the floor next to the toilets, not next to the washbasins'.


----------



## nuffsaid (Sep 18, 2018)




----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 19, 2018)

^^^take it that is from the USofA? 

if so a little pedantry would be welcome underneath: Bison, not buffalo.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 19, 2018)

Whagwan said:


> So it's not a scolding e-mail but I think this is probably the best thread for this:
> 
> This travesty has appeared in my office.  A montage of Christmas and summer party photos with an inspirational quote from Queenie.
> 
> Every time I look at it I want to abuse the colleagues I do get on with just to remove this illusion of 'family' they are attempting to instill.







And just who are these wacky-wankers?


----------



## Badgers (Sep 26, 2018)

'Floor related matter'


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Sep 26, 2018)

Not scolding as such but I did get an email that began "You are invited to attend this mandatory training...". An offer you can't refuse.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Sep 26, 2018)

Badgers said:


> 'Floor related matter'



input / output error?


----------



## Badgers (Oct 1, 2018)

> Hi All
> 
> Yet again I having to email about the state of the kitchen.
> 
> ...


----------



## mrs quoad (Oct 2, 2018)




----------



## mrs quoad (Oct 2, 2018)

Damn your eyes, University Regulation 11!


----------



## Supine (Oct 3, 2018)

Is this as bad as I think it is?


----------



## quiet guy (Oct 3, 2018)

Supine said:


> View attachment 148741 Is this as bad as I think it is?


Depends on whether you're expecting Deliveroo to drop off your order.


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 4, 2018)




----------



## equationgirl (Oct 5, 2018)

I like the little tip at the end. Can't make up my mind if it's helpful or condescending.


----------



## spanglechick (Oct 5, 2018)

Our faculty office has, at most, seven people in it.  Usually only a couple at a time, because we are teachers. The sender of this email spend an average of forty minutes a week in the office (she has her own set up downstairs).


----------



## kabbes (Oct 6, 2018)

Superb meaningless threat aggressive sign off.  Plus embarrassing spelling error.  A classic.


----------



## cybershot (Oct 6, 2018)

spanglechick said:


> Our faculty office has, at most, seven people in it.  Usually only a couple at a time, because we are teachers. The sender of this email spend an average of forty minutes a week in the office (she has her own set up downstairs).
> 
> View attachment 148937



She should be advised to do a health and safety desk assessment type thing if she gets backache so an appropriate chair can be sourced. 

She’s clearly not done this or she would be quoting as such.


----------



## spanglechick (Oct 6, 2018)

cybershot said:


> She should be advised to do a health and safety desk assessment type thing if she gets backache so an appropriate chair can be sourced.
> 
> She’s clearly not done this or she would be quoting as such.


Yes.  There’s a comment among those who do use the office, that it’s kinda my fault because I put my initials on the back of my chair, because it’s reliably non-shit and therefore it’s a “reasonable adjustment” for my arthritis (the chairs do otherwise get moved around over the course of a day). I have a lift key, too.  Which isn’t relevant but I’m still pretty excited by that.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 6, 2018)

Does that person work in a school?


----------



## spanglechick (Oct 6, 2018)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Does that person work in a school?


Yes.  Dance teacher.


----------



## ash (Oct 8, 2018)

Unfortunately the entire and large stock of mugs in Xx has disappeared between Friday evening and this morning with no note of explanation. As this room is used by several colleagues each day we urgently need our mugs to be returned.

If you have our mugs please could you bring them back to Xx first thing – we would be very grateful.

Kind Regards 

I’m loving this individuals sense of ‘urgency’ - they are also working in education (FE) !!!


----------



## Enviro (Oct 8, 2018)

kabbes said:


> Superb meaningless threat aggressive sign off.  Plus embarrassing spelling error.  A classic.



And starting with the timeless 'Hi folks'


----------



## trabuquera (Oct 8, 2018)

Whagwan said:


>



Whagwan : first you need to find your nearest craft shop or other source of subversive supplies. Cough up for a jumbo deluxe box set of about 100 sets of googly eyes. Volunteer to work late on a few nights and have at it.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 8, 2018)

trabuquera said:


> Whagwan : first you need to find your nearest craft shop or other source of subversive supplies. Cough up for a jumbo deluxe box set of about 100 sets of googly eyes. Volunteer to work late on a few nights and have at it.


Love it. Googly eyes are epic.


----------



## strung out (Oct 11, 2018)




----------



## Sapphireblue (Oct 11, 2018)

i feel exhausted just reading that.


----------



## StoneRoad (Oct 11, 2018)

Who ever wrote that needs to be made to walk the plank ...


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Oct 11, 2018)

strung out said:


> View attachment 149399





that is aimed at primary school age kids, isn't it?


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 13, 2018)

Christ on a pogo stick... Nothing worse than when work is made to be FUN.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Oct 13, 2018)

StoneRoad said:


> Who ever wrote that needs to be made to walk the plank ...


Don't encourage them by collaborating.

Whoever wrote that needs to fuck off.


----------



## MickiQ (Oct 13, 2018)

Poor, they ommitted  such key phrases as "Aaargh Jim Lad", "Pieces of 8" or "Walk the Plank".


----------



## Badgers (Oct 15, 2018)




----------



## trabuquera (Oct 15, 2018)

Are they really, really sure it's snot?


----------



## existentialist (Oct 15, 2018)

trabuquera said:


> Are they really, really sure it's snot?


There was a little bunny
With a runny, runny nose:
Don't think it's funny,
'Cos it's snot.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 22, 2018)




----------



## Puddy_Tat (Oct 22, 2018)




----------



## Badgers (Oct 23, 2018)




----------



## Badgers (Oct 25, 2018)

A gem sent round the office today: 


> I thought it would be useful to remind you of the below as this shall be discussed as part of your Performance Reviews.
> 
> *Timekeeping:*
> 
> ...


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Oct 25, 2018)

Are you allowed to speak in the corridors?


----------



## Badgers (Oct 25, 2018)

FridgeMagnet said:


> Are you allowed to speak in the corridors?


In hushed tones


----------



## strung out (Oct 25, 2018)

Badgers said:


> A gem sent round the office today:


"1. All colleagues are entitled to a 5 minute break in the morning and in the afternoon

2. Please do not take advantage of this"

Great


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 25, 2018)

What a bunch of wankers Badgers not listening to music?? For fucks sake, sometimes listening to that or a film was the only thing that stopped me going full on postal in the office when things were shit.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 25, 2018)

There is a new office manager / PA to CEO who is trying to stamp her authority. She won't last 

I call her PAA (PAin in the Arse)


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Oct 25, 2018)

strung out said:


> "1. All colleagues are entitled to a 5 minute break in the morning and in the afternoon
> 
> 2. Please do not take advantage of this"
> 
> Great


Imagine if someone were to do something like take the full five minutes but not include the time to walk to and from their desk to the smoking area. _Twice in a day_. That’s basically anarchy.


----------



## smmudge (Oct 25, 2018)

Fucking hell, suddenly my workplace seems quite nice!

What's wrong with leggings under a dress? Is tights under a dress ok? Basically the same thing but leggings are thicker.


----------



## existentialist (Oct 25, 2018)

Badgers said:


> A gem sent round the office today:


Only one response suffices...

FUCK. OFF.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Oct 26, 2018)

Badgers said:


> There is a new office manager / PA to CEO who is trying to stamp her authority. She won't last
> 
> I call her PAA (PAin in the Arse)



ah.

is this a case of "i am the PA to someone very important therefore i am very important" syndrome?

and i think that the rule about "continual bad language" should be tested to see what interval between swear words is acceptable


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 26, 2018)

Badgers rope in some of your colleagues and when you have your performance review act all earnest and ask for bad language targets, which should of course be specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and have a time limit.and i'd also talk to people about the breaks, you should get something like 15 mins morning and afternoon paid (ie 2 breaks) plus an unpaid lunch break. i note that the music relates to mobile phone use. so dial up the spotify on your computer and listen with a clear conscience - as long as it's not for social purposes. bunch of cunts tho.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 26, 2018)

> We are all required to be at our desk, logged on and ready to work at 8:30am unless otherwise agreed with management


Got in at 9am


----------



## strung out (Oct 26, 2018)

Badgers said:


> Got in at 9am


I'm assuming this was agreed with management?


----------



## cybershot (Oct 26, 2018)

Badgers said:


> A gem sent round the office today:



So you all have lunch at the same time too?

There's so much in that, that is wrong, I take it she's an old battle axe who has no idea how people use things such as technology to help them work in an ooen office.

Sounds like she wants you to all sit in dead silence all day.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 26, 2018)

It pleases me that she spelt 'language' and 'communication' wrong too


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 26, 2018)

my manager is yet to put in an apprearance


----------



## A380 (Oct 27, 2018)

Badgers said:


> Got in at 9am



Just stick a few of these around the office.


----------



## Throbbing Angel (Oct 30, 2018)

earlier this month - sent to *all

Hi all

Some of you may have noticed a particular bad smell in the kitchen recently reminiscent of sour milk.

XXXXXX and I have just done a search for the origin of the smell and discovered a polystyrene cup at the back of the cupboard above the worktop to the right of the sink with what appeared to be solidified milk in it that had clearly been there a while.

I don’t know who the cup belonged to or why they are hiding milk in the back of cupboards but it is has been disposed of so hopefully the smell will dissipate shortly. 

If it belonged to you and was a science experiment please conduct future experiments in your own kitchen!

Message also passed on to benefits and Ctax/NNDR.

Cheers

Redacted McRedactFace
Benefits Team Leader*


----------



## skyscraper101 (Oct 30, 2018)

Throbbing Angel said:


> *I don’t know who the cup belonged to or why they are hiding milk in the back of cupboards*



'Aliens'


----------



## purenarcotic (Oct 31, 2018)

Badgers said:


> A gem sent round the office today:



This is incredible. What a miserable bastard. 

Also how do they know if someone is wearing leggings vs tights for example? And what’s wrong with leggings anyway?!


----------



## Badgers (Nov 1, 2018)

purenarcotic said:


> This is incredible. What a miserable bastard.
> 
> Also how do they know if someone is wearing leggings vs tights for example? And what’s wrong with leggings anyway?!


I have no idea at all


----------



## Badgers (Nov 6, 2018)

Monday motivation:


> Good Afternoon All,
> 
> I am sure you are all well aware of the current business circumstances that we are in. This current period of time is very crucial to us as a business.
> 
> ...



From the previous email: 


> We are all required to be at our desk, logged on and ready to work at 8:30am unless otherwise agreed with management


My CEO requested I get in for 8am for a meeting with her this morning. I got in at 07:30 and she is still not here


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 7, 2018)

Badgers said:


> Monday motivation:
> 
> 
> From the previous email:
> ...


I used to really like it when my former employer would arrange a meeting for a 6am start with the overseas office. Usually because I'd get into work and it would be either cancelled after everyone had arrived, or was running late. Either way, it was an excellent way to piss everybody off at the start of the day. You have my sympathies, what time did she finally arrive?


----------



## Badgers (Nov 7, 2018)

equationgirl said:


> I used to really like it when my former employer would arrange a meeting for a 6am start with the overseas office. Usually because I'd get into work and it would be either cancelled after everyone had arrived, or was running late. Either way, it was an excellent way to piss everybody off at the start of the day. You have my sympathies, what time did she finally arrive?


Nearly half hour late  

Much like this morning 08:15 morning meeting which she arrived for at 08:40


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 7, 2018)

Badgers said:


> Nearly half hour late
> 
> Much like this morning 08:15 morning meeting which she arrived for at 08:40


I think someone is getting an alarm clock in the secret santa this year...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 8, 2018)

So, this went round to everyone in the company...



> Good afternoon all,
> 
> 
> ****** and I will be running another training season on the 21st & 22nd November for those who missed the August training and also for anyone that would like a recap – everyone is welcome!.....blah, blah....



Queue a round of acceptances, replied to all, as per.

So I have gone passive-aggressive...




			
				Bahnhof Strasse said:
			
		

> Hi *****
> 
> Not for me thanks.
> 
> ...


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 8, 2018)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> So, this went round to everyone in the company...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


yeh every so often there's administrators in other departments who send emails to everyone in ours, generally containing someone's personal information. so i always make a point of emailing them back pointing out the data protection policy, as well as the gdpr and mentioning everyone from the big library boss to the spottiest shelver will have received their email and they should be more careful in future. seems to put people's hackles up


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 8, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> yeh every so often there's administrators in other departments who send emails to everyone in ours, generally containing someone's personal information. so i always make a point of emailing them back pointing out the data protection policy, as well as the gdpr and mentioning everyone from the big library boss to the spottiest shelver will have received their email and they should be more careful in future. seems to put people's hackles up



Do you copy everyone in?


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 8, 2018)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Do you copy everyone in?


no. sometimes i think i should tho.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 8, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> no. sometimes i think i should tho.



Should do. I did today, have had numerous, genuine messages of support


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 8, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> no. sometimes i think i should tho.



Should do. I did today, have had numerous, genuine messages of support 



> LOL! Love it – I was about to say the same thing but was worried it will cause more people to CC in everyone lol





> Bravo sir!!!





> LOL LOL, that has made my day ******. I hope all’s well with you.





> Ha ha love it fucking fuck wits !!!
> 
> Hope you're well
> 
> Are you venturing up for the Christmas party?



And of course, replied to all:



> Me too please !


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 8, 2018)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Should do. I did today, have had numerous, genuine messages of support
> 
> 
> 
> ...


when i used to work for a local authority every so often some numpty would spam everyone working for the council with some shit like 'can't make this meeting day, can we rearrange' and then there'd be 15 or 20 frothing emails following


----------



## cybershot (Nov 8, 2018)

Thing is, all they needed to do was send a calendar invite, and let the calendar do it's thing and auto populate the accepts/denied and no responses!

Talk about making life more difficult for yourself.


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Nov 16, 2018)

Whoever did this, blu tracked to the door of the gents at work. deserves much respect


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Nov 16, 2018)

QueenOfGoths said:


> Whoever did this, blu tracked to the door of the gents at work. deserves much respect
> 
> View attachment 152652


Probably best to learn beforehand tbh, otherwise you’re stuck with your pants round your ankles googling “how to flush toilet” on your phone.


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Nov 16, 2018)

QueenOfGoths said:


> Whoever did this, blu tracked to the door of the gents at work. deserves much respect
> 
> View attachment 152652



This is why signs should read "Please leave the toilet as you would LIKE/WISH to find it", not "EXPECT" to find it.


----------



## nogojones (Nov 16, 2018)

Badgers said:


> A gem sent round the office today:


Refrain from the giggling what?


----------



## nogojones (Nov 16, 2018)

Badgers said:


> A gem sent round the office today:


I'd be causing fucking chaos in that office if I got a e-mail like that


----------



## ElizabethofYork (Nov 16, 2018)

Badgers said:


> A gem sent round the office today:


Blimey, what a cunt.  And then saying "we are in a relaxed environment" !


----------



## Teaboy (Nov 22, 2018)

Great news, I have an absolute doozy.


----------



## cybershot (Nov 22, 2018)

Teaboy said:


> Great news, I have an absolute doozy.



My reply would simply be. IT'S FUCKING COLD. People's consumption of hot drinks goes UP, and then comes down again in Summer. Perhaps instead you should budget accordingly, and purchase more milk and suager in winter and less in summer when less drinks and people on holiday are not in the building.


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Nov 22, 2018)

cybershot said:


> My reply would simply be. IT'S FUCKING COLD. People's consumption of hot drinks goes UP, and then comes down again in Summer. Perhaps instead you should budget accordingly, and purchase more milk and suager in winter and less in summer when less drinks and people on holiday are not in the building.



Yeah, but senior management aren't renowned for their logic.


----------



## Teaboy (Nov 23, 2018)

I just like the idea that providing tea and coffee is somehow enviable.  Its not exactly uncommon in the private sector for free hot drinks be provided, every company I have certainly has.  Most companies my g/f works for provide at least free fruit as well as pastries and some even supply breakfast.


----------



## smmudge (Nov 23, 2018)

Nowadays free tea and coffee is often included in the lease for office space.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 23, 2018)

smmudge said:


> Nowadays free tea and coffee is often included in the lease for office space.


We get a box of tea bags, sugar and milk but they stopped the free coffee a few weeks back.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 23, 2018)

equationgirl said:


> We get a box of tea bags, sugar and milk but they stopped the free coffee a few weeks back.


One day they will turn off the water


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 23, 2018)

Badgers said:


> One day they will turn off the water


If they could they would, this lot. 

But we are moving to a nicer office on monday which is nice. Kitchen is huge, has three fridges and two dishwashers and we're the only ones using it at present.


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 23, 2018)

Teaboy said:


> I just like the idea that providing tea and coffee is somehow enviable.



The bar is this low now, free work coffee is a luxury. Did my people die in vain?


----------



## mx wcfc (Nov 23, 2018)

We have free coffee.  When we moved into our big shiny new office we got two big shiny new coffee machines - the type that grinds the beans and can make cappuccinos and so on.

The coffee was really, really good.  The bosses were horrified by the sheer volume of coffee beans they were having to buy.  Anyway, after a while we noticed that the coffee wasn't quite so good anymore.  Bastards had swapped out the decent stuff for a cheap brand.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 23, 2018)

I have free coffee. There is a barista that does it 8am till 4am which is nice. Outside those hours I have to get it from the machine or a choice of instants. Also loads of herbal teas and such. They have about eight different milks which is good, it is nice to have choice. 

We do get free breakfast but only on a Monday which is infuriating. There is fruit, biscuits and sweets the rest of the week which helps a bit.

There is a free self service bar from 3pm with larger, ale, cider and 'draught prosecco' and occasional free cocktail nights from 5pm.


----------



## quiet guy (Nov 24, 2018)




----------



## quiet guy (Nov 24, 2018)




----------



## Supine (Nov 24, 2018)

Badgers said:


> I have free coffee. There is a barista that does it 8am till 4am which is nice. Outside those hours I have to get it from the machine or a choice of instants. Also loads of herbal teas and such. They have about eight different milks which is good, it is nice to have choice.
> 
> We do get free breakfast but only on a Monday which is infuriating. There is fruit, biscuits and sweets the rest of the week which helps a bit.
> 
> There is a free self service bar from 3pm with larger, ale, cider and 'draught prosecco' and occasional free cocktail nights from 5pm.



Fuck me! Your office environment is a bit different to mine


----------



## AnnO'Neemus (Nov 25, 2018)

Badgers said:


> Got in at 9am


Re the bit about you must be at your desk, logged on and ready to work at 8.30am. 

Are you paid from 8.30, is that your official start time? Because legally speaking, if they require you to come in earlier because it takes 10 minutes or whatever to log in, then they should pay you for starting earlier. They cannot require you to come in and log in in your own time. If they need you to be logged in and ready for work at 8.30am then maybe they need to pay you and ask you to come in for 8.15am.

I found this out when I was reprimanded for getting to my desk at two minutes past nine. I'd actually arrived in the building at twenty to, but had been chatting with the receptionist who'd asked about my trip as it was my first day back in the office. 

My boss said she was going to extend my probationary period (which had already finished while I was away, so she couldn't), and that she expected me to be at my desk for 10 to in order to log in and be ready for work at 9am, but I looked it up and legally she couldn't require that.


----------



## Badgers (Dec 5, 2018)

New office Monday


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Dec 6, 2018)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 154605
> 
> New office Monday



Not allowed to bring in "electrical Kitchen"?   Did they ever support Ruddy Yurts by any chance?


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 6, 2018)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Not allowed to bring in "electrical Kitchen"?   Did they ever support Ruddy Yurts by any chance?


they did, at yurts' infamous gig at the pied bull in the angel in may 1983


----------



## existentialist (Dec 6, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> they did, at yurts' infamous gig at the pied bull in the angel in may 1983


I'd never seen a distribution unit actually *explode* until that gig...


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 6, 2018)

existentialist said:


> I'd never seen a distribution unit actually *explode* until that gig...


what was stranger was that it was part of the show


----------



## existentialist (Dec 6, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> what was stranger was that it was part of the show


Ah, that was just the stage one. The explosion of the one that wasn't supposed to explode was far more spectacular.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 6, 2018)

existentialist said:


> Ah, that was just the stage one. The explosion of the one that wasn't supposed to explode was far more spectacular.


Oh, you're thinking of his gig at the Torrington in North finchley where all the windows were blown out


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 18, 2018)

The war with the office kitchen bandits continues:


----------



## tim (Dec 18, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> The war with the office kitchen bandits continues:
> View attachment 156005


You're back, which is good.


----------



## trabuquera (Dec 20, 2018)




----------



## moose (Dec 21, 2018)

trabuquera said:


>



Are you allowed to leave intoxicated?


----------



## extra dry (Dec 23, 2018)

Bosses or management proberly got a good deal on venue so don't want to risk it. Asked what happened at the last xmas party?


----------



## tim (Dec 23, 2018)

extra dry said:


> Bosses or management proberly got a good deal on venue so don't want to risk it. Asked what happened at the last xmas party?



They could just be miserable bullying shits


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 2, 2019)

extra dry said:


> Bosses or management proberly got a good deal on venue so don't want to risk it. Asked what happened at the last xmas party?



It seems that the party is for airport workers, held inside the airport.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 9, 2019)

Continuing on a theme...



> *The use of mobile phones in the office during working hours:* It is clear that on many occasions the calls are of a personal nature. As a company, we do not have any objections to personal calls if the matter is delicate or urgent. Common courtesy would be to advise your CEO that you are awaiting an urgent call and therefore you require your phone to be close by. If you do not have any urgency, we kindly request not to have any personal use of your mobile phones during working hours. You can refer to this in the company handbook.
> In the event that you are taking these calls or having cigarette breaks you* must* take this time of your lunch break. It is not fair to colleagues who are not smokers. We note breaks are beginning to become too frequent recently.
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Pickman's model (Jan 9, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Continuing on a theme...


get people to advise their ceo of every personal call they receive and this will soon be stopped. ask if the ceo is logging their own received calls and if not why not.


----------



## cybershot (Jan 9, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Continuing on a theme...



New Year, same twat.

How many people have left since this person arrived? Has morale nose dived?


----------



## a_chap (Jan 9, 2019)

I like the idea that you should somehow be aware of a forthcoming emergency so that you can request phone is near you.

And great time management by the CEO - definitely s/he has nothing more important to do than  act as phone monitor.

Also the tone of the laughter is wrong(?!?) - maybe they should run a course for that.

Would love to know which company sent that e-mail.


----------



## Enviro (Jan 9, 2019)

mx wcfc said:


> We have free coffee.  When we moved into our big shiny new office we got two big shiny new coffee machines - the type that grinds the beans and can make cappuccinos and so on.
> 
> The coffee was really, really good.  The bosses were horrified by the sheer volume of coffee beans they were having to buy.  Anyway, after a while we noticed that the coffee wasn't quite so good anymore.  Bastards had swapped out the decent stuff for a cheap brand.



We recently got a couple of new coffee machines. They're Cookworks jobbies that cost about £15 each. But then I suppose the multinational, industry leading co I work for didn't get where it is today by buying fancy coffee machines...

The office I'm in also has an appallingly high staff turnover... I wonder why...


----------



## Enviro (Jan 9, 2019)

And we're not allowed to have a proper kettle for making tea


----------



## Badgers (Jan 9, 2019)

cybershot said:


> New Year, same twat.
> 
> How many people have left since this person arrived? Has morale nose dived?


Almost 100% turnover of staff


----------



## cybershot (Jan 9, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Almost 100% turnover of staff



Just you sticking it out?


----------



## Badgers (Jan 9, 2019)

cybershot said:


> Just you sticking it out?


For now


----------



## cybershot (Jan 9, 2019)

How long until they realise they are spending more time and money on recruitment since said person arrived than they are their wage? Or are they a don't give a shit about employees type organization?


----------



## Badgers (Jan 9, 2019)

cybershot said:


> How long until they realise they are spending more time and money on recruitment since said person arrived than they are their wage? Or are they a don't give a shit about employees type organization?


I have given up caring or offering advice


----------



## Pickman's model (Jan 9, 2019)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> It seems that the party is for airport workers, held inside the airport.


bet they have access to duty free


----------



## purenarcotic (Jan 9, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Continuing on a theme...



The bit about not laughing too much is absolutely spectacular. Bet whoever wrote that is a hoot at parties.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jan 9, 2019)

> Recently it has been noted the laughter in the office is getting a little too high


----------



## oryx (Jan 9, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Continuing on a theme...



This reminds me of somewhere both my OH and I worked, at different times.

When I worked there it was bad enough, but when OH worked there a few years later they were not allowed to talk in groups about non-work things and (I really kid you not) had to log toilet breaks!

He soon left and yes, surprisingly enough, staff turnover there was very high.


----------



## Schmetterling (Jan 9, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Continuing on a theme...


‘of your lunch break’


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Jan 9, 2019)

purenarcotic said:


> The bit about not laughing too much is absolutely spectacular. Bet whoever wrote that is a hoot at parties.


The tone of the laughter being too high just implies that everyone should now use a deep, booming, Brian Blessed laugh.


----------



## A380 (Jan 9, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Continuing on a theme...


Fuck me, any decent supervisors / managers* would love it if there is laughter in the work place as it’s a good indicator of morale.

* Ok, maybe not the head of a group of pall bearers..


----------



## existentialist (Jan 9, 2019)

cybershot said:


> New Year, same twat.
> 
> How many people have left since this person arrived? Has morale nose dived?


"The floggings will continue until morale improves"


----------



## BoatieBird (Jan 10, 2019)

FridgeMagnet said:


> The tone of the laughter being too high just implies that everyone should now use a deep, booming, Brian Blessed laugh.



Please try this and report back Badgers


----------



## Badgers (Jan 10, 2019)




----------



## nogojones (Jan 10, 2019)

cybershot said:


> Just you sticking it out?


Staying so he can farm likes on this thread


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 11, 2019)

If Brian Blessed is unacceptable to them you need to go full Frank Bruno on them.


----------



## Enviro (Jan 18, 2019)

I feel a scolding afoot...

Someone just sent out a mass email to nearly 1000 colleagues across the globe asking them to subscribe to their youtube channel . They said if they get 500 subscribers they will donate £100 to charity...

I think they may soon find themselves with more time on their hands to promote their youtube channel ...


----------



## Combustible (Jan 19, 2019)

Not mine obviously but seems appropriate for here


----------



## dervish (Jan 28, 2019)

I have just had to write this..



> I have just tidied up the stock cupboard AGAIN.
> 
> 
> This is not my job, it is ALL our job to keep the room tidy but unfortunately it seems to be beyond the wit of some people to pick up after themselves. To make it very clear…
> ...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 28, 2019)

Pink boxes or pick boxes


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 28, 2019)

dervish bravo sir, security footage bit puts the icing on the cake. A quality example of the genre.


----------



## 8115 (Jan 28, 2019)

It shouldn't be that difficult!

A classic of the genre.


----------



## dervish (Jan 28, 2019)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Pink boxes or pick boxes



Pink, I was cross and typing fast. They are the DPD swap it boxes, we get one to three a day usually, not exactly taxing.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 28, 2019)

Cross is the best state to be in when writing a scolding note


----------



## dervish (Jan 28, 2019)

Yeah, the ten minutes beforehand I was proper raging. Not such a good state to be in, would have added to many CUNTS to the email. I did take imbeciles out, which I thought was rather restrained.


----------



## 19sixtysix (Jan 29, 2019)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Cross is the best state to be in when writing a scolding note



Just don't email/post it up  till the next day when you've calmed down and removed the "you bunch of cunts".

I sent one a few years ago about a piss take about our holidays which they thought they'd introduce to those of us who volunteered to essential and urgent testing work. They got a reply saying how good were for actually bother to volunteer and if we wanted a day off you will say yes thank you. It was the cleaned up damningly polite version that exploded in a senior management meeting. £100 bonuses turned up with a reversal of the policy the next day.


----------



## kabbes (Jan 29, 2019)

dervish said:


> I have just had to write this..


If it’s not your job to tidy the stock room, why are you tidying the stock room?  The only way people will learn to take responsibility for themselves is if you stop doing it for them.  You fixing their problem is teaching them it doesn’t matter if they make a problem.


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Jan 29, 2019)

dervish said:


> Pink, I was cross and typing fast. They are the DPD swap it boxes, we get one to three a day usually, not exactly taxing.


Every good scolding email needs a typo.


----------



## StoneRoad (Jan 29, 2019)

First job for me in the morning (when I worked as the samples librarian) would be to have a quick tidy of the shelves and collect up the sample books from the design studio to put them away, and have a hunt around for the stuff that had been "put down for a minute" - the conference room usually had a few things left in it - rather than put into the return to library "bin" ie box on wheels. What I didn't want was the stuff stashed under desks, nor put away randomly - logic being that other people couldn't find it.

This was the official / standard procedure - I liked the stuff signed out and returned via the box - but had to issue several scolding missives reminding the designers. And to stop them nicking stuff off my desk before it had got into the system.


----------



## dervish (Jan 29, 2019)

kabbes said:


> If it’s not your job to tidy the stock room, why are you tidying the stock room?  The only way people will learn to take responsibility for themselves is if you stop doing it for them.  You fixing their problem is teaching them it doesn’t matter if they make a problem.



There are three of us that use the stock room regularly, one of us has been asked to do a different project so hasn't moved from his desk for weeks, this entire email was aimed at one person, he's been told, I've moaned to management and he's still not got the message. This is the last time I'm polite, next time I'm taking the key and telling him he needs to ask permission to use the cupboard.

ETA: And I've tried that, I didn't keep it tidy and in two weeks it was a state. 

I'm going to speak to the department head (above my line manager) when he gets back on Thursday about this and the useless member of staff doing no work in general and my manager doing nothing about it.


----------



## kabbes (Jan 29, 2019)

dervish said:


> There are three of us that use the stock room regularly, one of us has been asked to do a different project so hasn't moved from his desk for weeks, this entire email was aimed at one person, he's been told, I've moaned to management and he's still not got the message. This is the last time I'm polite, next time I'm taking the key and telling him he needs to ask permission to use the cupboard.


So it’s a message to one person you’ve sent to everybody?


----------



## dervish (Jan 29, 2019)

kabbes said:


> So it’s a message to one person you’ve sent to everybody?


Yep, cos otherwise it might upset him, and we can't have that, cos he's trying really hard apparently.


----------



## kabbes (Jan 29, 2019)

dervish said:


> Yep, cos otherwise it might upset him, and we can't have that, cos he's trying really hard apparently.


This is poor person management.


----------



## dervish (Jan 29, 2019)

Tell me about it. This is the best job I've ever had, with by far the most pay for least amount of work and I'm thinking about getting another job I'm so pissed off. My manager's management style is to not do any management. This is not sustainable, but it's been like this for years.


----------



## equationgirl (Jan 29, 2019)

kabbes said:


> This is poor person management.


Lot of it about. In my experience the one person makes things difficult for management by throwing a tantrum, so management get scared of setting them off again. Which means the person generally does as they please. 

Far better to speak to the person and if they start kicking off, explain their behaviour is unacceptable leave them to calm down and then explain that they need to start doing XYZ which is part of their job. And if they don't there may be consequences. 

You know, be a manager.


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 2, 2019)

Night shift left pizza boxes out overnight a while back, prompting an angry note asking people to clear up after themselves and put them in the bin. 
They've done it again but left a 'not sorry' note, prompting another angry note below


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 2, 2019)

People who don't clear up after themselves are the worst. 

There's two dishwashers in the work kitchen. At least one of the directors dumps his mugs in the sink instead of the dishwasher, WHICH IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE SINK. The cutlery caddy sits on the draining board and people put teaspoons next to it. 

Dicks.


----------



## A380 (Feb 2, 2019)

Combustible said:


> Not mine obviously but seems appropriate for here



You should make a pencil alteration. It is impossible for electricity to be the subject of theft. The offence he is talking about is abstraction of electricity. I'm sure they re the sort of person who would be happy to be so corrected.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 2, 2019)

equationgirl said:


> Lot of it about. In my experience the one person makes things difficult for management by throwing a tantrum, so management get scared of setting them off again. Which means the person generally does as they please.
> 
> Far better to speak to the person and if they start kicking off, explain their behaviour is unacceptable leave them to calm down and then explain that they need to start doing XYZ which is part of their job. And if they don't there may be consequences.
> 
> You know, be a manager.



And annoying when notes are left accusing people generally of doing something that only one person has done. Someone at work one time said his milk (or equivalent) had been used and everybody denied doing it. I said no only one person denied doing it, the rest of us didn't do it.


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 2, 2019)

two sheds said:


> And annoying when notes are left accusing people generally of doing something that only one person has done. Someone at work one time said his milk (or equivalent) had been used and everybody denied doing it. I said no only one person denied doing it, the rest of us didn't do it.


I think it's more than one person doing it at my work, otherwise he's drinking around 20 cups of coffee a day.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 2, 2019)

equationgirl said:


> I think it's more than one person doing it at my work, otherwise he's drinking around 20 cups of coffee a day.



what a bastard  Easy to spot him though


----------



## quiet guy (Feb 3, 2019)

or one mug of milk or a couple of bowls of cereal


----------



## Enviro (Feb 8, 2019)

.... The cleaner complained to their area manager that they had cleaning to do?! lol.


----------



## purenarcotic (Feb 8, 2019)

Enviro said:


> View attachment 161318
> 
> .... The cleaner complained to their area manager that they had cleaning to do?! lol.



They’re there to clean the office so it’s tidy and hygienic, they aren’t there to tidy up other people’s spills or dirty cups or whatever. It’s about having respect for those who have to tidy up after you.


----------



## Enviro (Feb 8, 2019)

Oh I agree that the person who spilled the soup should have cleaned it up.

And with regard to cups, if isn't their duty to clean them up, then they shouldn't clean them up.


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 8, 2019)

Enviro said:


> Oh I agree that the person who spilled the soup should have cleaned it up.
> 
> And with regard to cups, if isn't their duty to clean them up, then they shouldn't clean them up.


Then what's the issue?


----------



## Enviro (Feb 10, 2019)

It's an office scolding e-mail. I thought that this thread was for office scolding e-mails?


----------



## tim (Feb 10, 2019)

A380 said:


> Fuck me, any decent supervisors / managers* would love it if there is laughter in the work place as it’s a good indicator of morale.
> 
> * Ok, maybe not the head of a group of pall bearers..




Even that depends on the style of funeral


----------



## tim (Feb 10, 2019)

kabbes said:


> This is poor person management.


But excellent Sunday afternoon entertainment.


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 11, 2019)

My latest scheme to stop milk shrinkage at work:


----------



## tim (Feb 11, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> My latest scheme to stop milk shrinkage at work:
> View attachment 161576


Some appropriation going on there! Get your bastard bosses to provide milk for the masses


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 11, 2019)

tim said:


> Some appropriation going on there! Get your bastard bosses to provide milk for the masses


No chance. I work for a local council.


----------



## Treacle Toes (Feb 11, 2019)

Enviro said:


> .... The cleaner complained to their area manager that they had cleaning to do?! lol.



There is a difference between cleaning and tidying. Cleaners can't clean if a place is untidy.


----------



## Enviro (Feb 11, 2019)

I agree there are some real issues at play here, for sure. But... where do you draw the line? Do you make everyone have to tidy their desks up at the end of every day so they are completely clear? Some people work better with having stacks of papers around them and why should they be told to work differently? 

I think that having a positive and relaxed atmosphere is more important than worrying about a few untidy desks. I think that people working in and visiting the office are more likely to notice, and respond more positively to, a relaxed and positive atmosphere, than they would react negatively to a few untidy desks. 

I agree that respect for all is important but I don't think that the office manager gives us the respect we deserve. They treat the office like an extension of their house. In certain aspects that can be commendable but it can be a bit much when lots of people have to work here.

I think that treating staff more like children can become a self fulfilling prophecy and that seems to be what has happened here.


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 11, 2019)

Enviro said:


> I agree there are some real issues at play here, for sure. But... where do you draw the line? Do you make everyone have to tidy their desks up at the end of every day so they are completely clear? Some people work better with having stacks of papers around them and why should they be told to work differently?
> 
> I think that having a positive and relaxed atmosphere is more important than worrying about a few untidy desks. I think that people working in and visiting the office are more likely to notice, and respond more positively to, a relaxed and positive atmosphere, than they would react negatively to a few untidy desks.
> 
> ...


Corporate espionage is a real risk, now more so than ever. Asking people to make sure their desks are tidy and clear of confidential and proprietary information at the end of the day isn't treating people like children, unless  they are deliberately flouting policy.

Yes, people work differently, some tidier than others, but generally most companies expect desks to be clear overnight, not during the working day. If there is not enough storage space for everyone a clear desk policy won't work from day 1.

You can still have a friendly and relaxed environment whilst safeguarding corporate information.


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 11, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> My latest scheme to stop milk shrinkage at work:
> View attachment 161576


It's all gone. Thieving perverts.


----------



## Treacle Toes (Feb 11, 2019)

Enviro said:


> I agree there are some real issues at play here, for sure. But... where do you draw the line? Do you make everyone have to tidy their desks up at the end of every day so they are completely clear? Some people work better with having stacks of papers around them and why should they be told to work differently?
> 
> I think that having a positive and relaxed atmosphere is more important than worrying about a few untidy desks. I think that people working in and visiting the office are more likely to notice, and respond more positively to, a relaxed and positive atmosphere, than they would react negatively to a few untidy desks.
> 
> ...




Expecting staff to leave the office in a reasonable state so that it can be adequately cleaned for the benefit of all isn't treating staff like children, quite the opposite.

I wouldn't want some of my colleagues to treat the office like they do their own homes tbh. Some people are untidy and whatless when it comes to hygiene and hoarding at home. I personally can't relax,  think or work in such environments, I don't think the majority of people can.


----------



## Lazy Llama (Feb 11, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> It's all gone. Thieving perverts.


For the next bottle 
Owfeel Pack of 30pcs Halloween April Fool's Day Simulat cockroach Toy Tricky Tools https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B014EU5F6A/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_36CyCbVER974Q


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 11, 2019)

Lazy Llama said:


> For the next bottle
> Owfeel Pack of 30pcs Halloween April Fool's Day Simulat cockroach Toy Tricky Tools https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B014EU5F6A/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_36CyCbVER974Q


Or i could label it cockroach milk. It's a thing


----------



## Lazy Llama (Feb 11, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> Or i could label it cockroach milk. It's a thing


It is, yeah. Only available in small bottles though. 

Or label it “Casu Marzu” and let them Google the “maggot cheese” themselves.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 11, 2019)

Lazy Llama said:


> It is, yeah. Only available in small bottles though.
> 
> Or label it “Casu Marzu” and let them Google the “maggot cheese” themselves.


----------



## A380 (Feb 11, 2019)




----------



## Puddy_Tat (Feb 11, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> Or i could label it cockroach milk. It's a thing



or green food dye and 'toxic waste' label (one place i worked, one team did resort to this)

i just do a lightish tea that i can drink without milk at work now, it's easier...


----------



## two sheds (Feb 11, 2019)

Puddy_Tat said:


> or green food dye and 'toxic waste' label (one place i worked, one team did resort to this)



"So what should I do with this toxic waste the process has generated? Ooooh I'll just add it to this other one here nobody will notice".


----------



## tim (Feb 11, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> It's all gone. Thieving perverts.



Maybe someone came across a thirsty foundling during their fag break


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 13, 2019)

Label it Soy. Will stay merrily untouched.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 13, 2019)

As to untidy desks, the last place that had a boss, she wanted us to go paper free. 20 odd staff, three of us ignored her and carried on with paper. She labelled us three 'dinosaurs', without thinking that dinosaurs lived far longer than humans have done. Seems that us three dinosaurs were responsible for 90% of the sales. We all left, company went bust. Extinct you may say, just like...


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 13, 2019)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> As to untidy desks, the last place that had a boss, she wanted us to go paper free. 20 odd staff, three of us ignored her and carried on with paper. She labelled us three 'dinosaurs', without thinking that dinosaurs lived far longer than humans have done. Seems that us three dinosaurs were responsible for 90% of the sales. We all left, company went bust. Extinct you may say, just like...


Paper free is pointless in my line of work. I can review a hardcopy agreement draft a lot quicker than on a screen, plus I always need reference copies.


----------



## mx wcfc (Feb 13, 2019)

We are "paperless" but I still print stuff to review.  It's no big deal.  it all goes in the confidential waste afterwards.  It just doesn't go into a file, it is saved in the system.  Which one day will be hacked by the Russians,  so clearly keeping everything in the "Cloud " is better.


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 21, 2019)

I ended up having to buy some hippymilk to deter magpies. No one's touched it yet but then neither have I.


----------



## dervish (Mar 13, 2019)

Cupboardgate strikes again. 

------
IT IS NOT MY JOB TO CLEAN UP THE STOCK CUPBOARD.


We all use the cupboard, we ALL should be cleaning it up regularly. Any cardboard needs to be taken outside and put into recycling, if you take a box of something from the shelf PUT IT BACK AFTERWARDS.


This is not difficult, I can’t believe that I’m having to moan about it again.


Pick up after yourselves, your mother does not work here!


FFS.

------


----------



## StoneRoad (Mar 13, 2019)

dervish - that could very easily apply to our tool cupboards !

I so want to put up a notice - it seems nobody is capable of washing up cups after tea break.
They get the tea / coffee / milk / sugar and proper mugs provided and one or two of the lads take it in turns to do the brew ...
( And one or two seem unable to take their mugs back into the kitchenette )


----------



## equationgirl (Mar 13, 2019)

StoneRoad said:


> dervish - that could very easily apply to our tool cupboards !
> 
> I so want to put up a notice - it seems nobody is capable of washing up cups after tea break.
> They get the tea / coffee / milk / sugar and proper mugs provided and one or two of the lads take it in turns to do the brew ...
> ( And one or two seem unable to take their mugs back into the kitchenette )


I am this close to putting up a notice at work that says 'PUT YOUR FUCKING CUPS AND GLASSES IN THE DISHWASHER NOT THE SINK NEXT TO IT, YOU LAZY TOADS'.


----------



## existentialist (Mar 13, 2019)

I'm a big fan of understated and minimalist scolding messages: especially if the office is likely to get visitors, those ferocious messages can offer a "back story" that isn't always what you want the punters to see.

I got good results the other week with "Cups not left in the dishwasher or sink will be put in the bin"


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 15, 2019)

perhaps not quite a scolding email


----------



## Schmetterling (Mar 15, 2019)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 164574
> perhaps not quite a scolding email



Nope, but worth it for the horse blood alone.


----------



## two sheds (Mar 15, 2019)

existentialist said:


> I'm a big fan of understated and minimalist scolding messages: especially if the office is likely to get visitors, those ferocious messages can offer a "back story" that isn't always what you want the punters to see.
> 
> I got good results the other week with "Cups not left in the dishwasher or sink will be put in the bin"



Reminds me somewhat of a sticker an ex put on my socket set case "Open this way up or we all fall out"  

She was right, too.


----------



## Me76 (Mar 15, 2019)

We have a box where leftover tupperware goes in.  It's had a post it on it saying it will all be reappropriated by next Friday if not claimed. 

There was a guest that came into the kitchen the other day saying they have exactly the same box in their kitchen.


----------



## mx wcfc (Mar 15, 2019)

Me76 said:


> We have a box where leftover tupperware goes in.  It's had a post it on it saying it will all be reappropriated by next Friday if not claimed.
> 
> There was a guest that came into the kitchen the other day saying they have exactly the same box in their kitchen.


Anything still in the fridge at 5.00pm on Friday gets binned at my workplace.  

Seems to work.


----------



## equationgirl (Mar 16, 2019)

mx wcfc said:


> Anything still in the fridge at 5.00pm on Friday gets binned at my workplace.
> 
> Seems to work.


I once worked somewhere where all the out of date food was binned at 1om on a Friday (office was on a half day so cleaners came round then). Went to get my lunch at 1.30 and they had binned my in date lunch


----------



## Badgers (Mar 16, 2019)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 164574
> perhaps not quite a scolding email


----------



## kabbes (Mar 17, 2019)

This is how you do it to make people laugh rather than roll their eyes.



> So it has been a while since I have sent you one of my emails….but don’t think this means the expectations I have of all of you has slipped, been pushed to the side or through my start into a new decade, I have simply given up and turned a blind eye.
> 
> So let’s go through my expectations…or rules some may say…
> 
> ...


----------



## teuchter (Mar 18, 2019)

I would definitely question the definition of the snack category as I don't see it as a clear cut thing at all.


----------



## teuchter (Mar 19, 2019)

Seems relevant to this thread


----------



## Spymaster (Mar 19, 2019)

equationgirl said:


> I am this close to putting up a notice at work that says 'PUT YOUR FUCKING CUPS AND GLASSES IN THE DISHWASHER NOT THE SINK NEXT TO IT, YOU LAZY TOADS'.





existentialist said:


> I got good results the other week with "Cups not left in the dishwasher or sink will be put in the bin"



Dishwashers _at work_?

Urban75, middle class, etc ...


----------



## kabbes (Mar 19, 2019)

teuchter said:


> I would definitely question the definition of the snack category as I don't see it as a clear cut thing at all.


We’ve had the emails about that before. And very amusing they were too but nobody wants to go back there again.


----------



## kabbes (Mar 21, 2019)

Ooh we've had an update



> I don’t know really where to start….other than I am disappointed and bored ….I thought my email last week would have still been ingrained in your heads.  But oh no today I have received five reports from my underground network of spies of several people eating lunch at their desks…..o…m…g
> 
> Look the whole point of using the kitchen to eat your food is for your benefit, the other floors have a severe mice problem and mummified mice have been found in the cupboards and peoples draws.  Live mice are running around the other floors going about their daily business without a care in the world they have even been seen using the printers for scanning.  If you want to carry on regardless then any mice found in your desk you will be made to take them home and raise them as your own children.
> 
> If you carry on repeat offending then it will be escalated to the Senior Management, which let’s face it is embarrassing for everyone.  So keep it real people and just use the kitchen.


----------



## Orang Utan (Mar 21, 2019)

what kind of sick fuck is going round mummifying mice and leaving in them in people's cupboards and draws?


----------



## kabbes (Mar 21, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> what kind of sick fuck is going round mummifying mice and leaving in them in people's cupboards and draws?


I had a whole family of mice living in a drawer that I discovered when I moved some papers.  Building operations were called and the nice office clerks all had images of the baby mice being relocated to a farm or something but instead they got clubbed to death with an old iPhone box.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 21, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> what kind of sick fuck is going round mummifying mice and leaving in them in people's cupboards and draws?



Do they use strips of bog roll to mummify them like the Egyptians did?


----------



## Orang Utan (Mar 21, 2019)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Do they use strips of bog roll to mummify them like the Egyptians did?


is there any other way?


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Mar 21, 2019)

at mice who can manage scanning.

that's more than some of my colleagues can ..


----------



## two sheds (Mar 21, 2019)

kabbes said:


> I had a whole family of mice living in a drawer that I discovered when I moved some papers.  Building operations were called and the nice office clerks all had images of the baby mice being relocated to a farm or something but instead they got clubbed to death with an old iPhone box.



I had a rat


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Mar 21, 2019)

kabbes said:


> Ooh we've had an update


That is a good combination of well written email and really arsey demands. Unfortunately it’s the arsey demands that always dominate. Writing a good email only tips the balance when it’s something that isn’t too much bother - otherwise you might as well do comic sans and word clipart for all the difference it’s going to make. I would foresee increasingly testy and sarcastic (but well written) emails on the subject.


----------



## extra dry (Apr 3, 2019)

Talking of mice and rats, they are everywhere here. Get used to them after a while, I still jump just if I get surprized by any rat, fully grown adult, at night, while i am weating flip flops


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 4, 2019)

It's neither an email nor is it scolding, but it is a stupid sign seen in a workplace:


----------



## Ranbay (Apr 10, 2019)

Someone just sent this photo to the whole company,

Email title = They are still here Martin !


----------



## Badgers (Apr 25, 2019)

This one is quite special...


> Hello Badgers
> 
> Hope you are having a lovely day. It has come to our attention that you have not been participating in our communal breakfast at 9:30am the past couple of days. We notice your lovely colleagues are collecting breakfast on your behalf. Unfortunately the meaning behind the communal breakfast is to have a brief moment away from your desk to interact with your fellow office neighbors! We have made your colleagues aware that the rule for breakfast is 2 items per person so this shouldn’t be a problem anymore
> 
> ...


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 25, 2019)

Badgers said:


> This one is quite special...


a pity it's not someone pretty with far too much time on their hands


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 25, 2019)

Badgers said:


> This one is quite special...


how can you have a proper feb with only two items per person?


----------



## Sapphireblue (Apr 25, 2019)

that is fucking hilarious, just the thought of working at a place with that kind of atmosphere is making me want to weep. you must socialise with your office neighbours


----------



## neonwilderness (Apr 25, 2019)

Badgers said:


> This one is quite special...


Come on Badgers, make an effort!


----------



## FridgeMagnet (Apr 25, 2019)

Badgers said:


> This one is quite special...


FRIENDLY COMMUNAL BREAKFAST IS MANDATORY

YOU WILL NOT DEFY FRIENDLY COMMUNAL BREAKFAST


----------



## kabbes (Apr 25, 2019)

I’m sure you can attend breakfast in a way that will ensure they never invite you for breakfast again.


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 25, 2019)

FridgeMagnet said:


> FRIENDLY COMMUNAL BREAKFAST IS MANDATORY
> 
> YOU WILL NOT DEFY FRIENDLY COMMUNAL BREAKFAST


YOU WILL ENJOY FRIENDLY MANDATORY COMMUNAL BREAKFAST OR FEEL THE WRATH OF MIDDLE MANAGEMENT.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Apr 25, 2019)




----------



## Badgers (Apr 25, 2019)

Another colleague went down and the emailer asked if I had got the email. He told her that I have heart problems so was avoiding the stairs and had been very upset by the email


----------



## neonwilderness (Apr 25, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Another colleague went down and the emailer asked if I had got the email. He told her that I have heart problems so was avoiding the stairs and had been very upset by the email


I hope you realise they’re going to start making special allowances for you now, so you’re going to have to pretend to have a heart condition for as long as you work there


----------



## cybershot (Apr 25, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Another colleague went down and the emailer asked if I had got the email. He told her that I have heart problems so was avoiding the stairs and had been very upset by the email



Communal breakfast is around your desk for the foreseeable then?


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Apr 25, 2019)

cybershot said:


> Communal breakfast is around your desk for the foreseeable then?


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 26, 2019)

Communal breakfast will now only consist of heart healthy items to accommodate Badgers - goodbye bacon rolls, hello plain porridge, fruit and dry toast. NO BUTTER.


----------



## spitfire (Apr 26, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Another colleague went down and the emailer asked if I had got the email. He told her that I have heart problems so was avoiding the stairs and had been very upset by the email



HAhahahahahahaha


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 26, 2019)

Did you have fun at mandatory communal breakfast today Badgers?


----------



## Badgers (Apr 26, 2019)

equationgirl said:


> Did you have fun at mandatory communal breakfast today Badgers?


I boycotted it due to my poor heart today in protest


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Apr 26, 2019)

Hi All


We are currently experiencing some issue with the phone system


We are investigating this with our suppliers


Please remember to log all ticket with******


Update to follow in 15 minute


Apologies for the incontinence caused


Thanks


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 26, 2019)

Badgers said:


> I boycotted it due to my poor heart today in protest


Your achy-breaky heart


----------



## May Kasahara (Apr 30, 2019)

FridgeMagnet said:


> FRIENDLY COMMUNAL BREAKFAST IS MANDATORY
> 
> YOU WILL NOT DEFY FRIENDLY COMMUNAL BREAKFAST



BREAKFAST MACHT FREI


----------



## ruffneck23 (May 16, 2019)

this just in :

I am receiving increased reports about the state of the toilets.  It is not acceptable behaviour to use the walls or the floors  to wipe your human waste.	 Please use the toilet roll provided and dispose of this in the correct manner down the toilet


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 16, 2019)

ruffneck23 said:


> this just in :
> 
> I am receiving increased reports about the state of the toilets.  It is not acceptable behaviour to use the walls or the floors  to wipe your human waste.	 Please use the toilet roll provided and dispose of this in the correct manner down the toilet



Do you work in the Ecuadorian embassy these days?


----------



## ruffneck23 (May 16, 2019)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Do you work in the Ecuadorian embassy these days?



no, but it maybe an improvement if I did


----------



## quiet guy (May 19, 2019)

Must be some of the f**kers who use the loos at festivals


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 24, 2019)

stupid_cupid


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 24, 2019)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> stupid_cupid



Oi, motherfucker.


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 4, 2019)

i'm sorry i can't show you the gem my manager showed me just now about our divisional hr, who had arranged interviews at an outlying site and omitted to invite any of the actual candidates. this came as a surprise to the panel when they arrived this morning.


----------



## Badgers (Jun 6, 2019)




----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 14, 2019)




----------



## cybershot (Jun 14, 2019)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 174192



Can I use it next?


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 14, 2019)

cybershot said:


> Can I use it next?


It's got to come round to me first but I'll send it to you after


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 18, 2019)

i feel like sending a scolding email myself in response to this


----------



## equationgirl (Jun 19, 2019)

I would send something suitably withering, Pickman's model.


----------



## 8ball (Jun 19, 2019)

I should have taken a photo, but in our work fridge we had 3 post-it notes on one food item:

i) DO NOT EAT
ii) I wouldn't want to!
iii) I tried some - it was ok


----------



## cybershot (Jun 19, 2019)

Pickman's model said:


> i feel like sending a scolding email myself in response to this
> View attachment 174545



Was this sent to Badgers so he's aware of what's been going on in the daily breakfasts?


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 9, 2019)




----------



## extra dry (Aug 9, 2019)

Rather suspect stain on the right glove, proves you where one who discovered someones coffee mug in the dark.


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 14, 2019)




----------



## equationgirl (Aug 14, 2019)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 180806


Lots of credit catd problems at your place, think the tone of the email is far too gentle, considering.


----------



## 8ball (Aug 14, 2019)

FridgeMagnet said:


> FRIENDLY COMMUNAL BREAKFAST IS MANDATORY
> 
> YOU WILL NOT DEFY FRIENDLY COMMUNAL BREAKFAST



Aside from that, what are the other notable aspects of working in North Korea?


----------



## trashpony (Aug 14, 2019)

I don’t know if you have to know the people concerned to find this amusing but this exchange is each of them to a T. And I know umbrella holder will be raging but won’t be able to say anything because the person that gave it away is the boss


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 14, 2019)

OH no, that's quite funny trashpony


----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 14, 2019)

there's ALWAYS someone who actually buys an umbrella, instead of finding one somewhere. I've got three!


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 16, 2019)




----------



## StoneRoad (Aug 16, 2019)

Need some withering wording to put up in the kitchen at work, I've left it to see just how dirty the guys will allow it to get before one of them does any cleaning, other than rinse cups ...

Currently, everything is disgusting.

Suggestions ?


----------



## Lazy Llama (Aug 16, 2019)

StoneRoad said:


> Suggestions ?


*
BIOHAZARD RESEARCH PROJECT
   -= Do Not Enter =-*


----------



## a_chap (Aug 16, 2019)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 181063



Poor effort. This isn't a scolding email at all 

Leaking coffee machine? It's not even a scalding email...


----------



## existentialist (Aug 16, 2019)

StoneRoad said:


> Need some withering wording to put up in the kitchen at work, I've left it to see just how dirty the guys will allow it to get before one of them does any cleaning, other than rinse cups ...
> 
> Currently, everything is disgusting.
> 
> Suggestions ?


I suggest you put something just like that.

*EXPERIMENT*

We are conducting an experiment to discover just how disgusting it is possible for this kitchen to get before spontaneous action occurs.

Your co-operation in this experiment will be most appreciated.​


----------



## existentialist (Aug 16, 2019)

a_chap said:


> Poor effort. This isn't a scolding email at all
> 
> Leaking coffee machine? It's not even a scalding email...


Here all week?


----------



## StoneRoad (Aug 16, 2019)

I might combine the ideas from both Lazy Llama and existentialist ...

I'm sure I can find either a radiation or a biohazard sign ...


----------



## sorearm (Aug 16, 2019)

The recycling war continues 
 

... marks for red all capitals  ... deducted marks for lack of emoticons or exclamation marks


----------



## Johnny Doe (Aug 16, 2019)

FridgeMagnet said:


> FRIENDLY COMMUNAL BREAKFAST IS MANDATORY
> 
> YOU WILL NOT DEFY FRIENDLY COMMUNAL BREAKFAST



WHY DON'T PEOPLE IN THEIR 30s JOIN FRIENDLY COMMUNAL BREAKFAST GROUPS!!!!


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 27, 2019)

a pre-scolding email

there is much wailing at the new spending regime


----------



## smmudge (Aug 27, 2019)

Pickman's model said:


> a pre-scolding email
> View attachment 182228
> there is much wailing at the new spending regime



Because they can't buy their travel insurance or 1am drunken Amazon purchases on it anymore?


----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 27, 2019)

smmudge said:


> Because they can't buy their travel insurance or 1am drunken Amazon purchases on it anymore?


yeh it's a great disappointment for so many colleagues and the key for the poison cupboard has never been in such demand


----------



## equationgirl (Aug 27, 2019)

Well it's not like they weren't warned this would happen. Suspect it's the same person using it for illicit purchases.


----------



## 8115 (Sep 11, 2019)

Nearly sent an email today with a picture of the washing up saying:

I feel like I am doing a lot of washing up. Do your own washing up.

Only the thought of this thread stopped me.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Sep 11, 2019)

8115 said:


> Nearly sent an email today with a picture of the washing up saying:
> 
> I feel like I am doing a lot of washing up. Do your own washing up.
> 
> Only the thought of this thread stopped me.



passive aggressive notice on the kitchen wall / cupboard / fridge instead.

bonus points for green ink and / or comic fucking sans


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 2, 2019)

.


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 2, 2019)

further to my email about the poison cupboard, a reminder of safety information. emphasis added


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 3, 2019)

Pickman's model please point out to the author that out of hours has not been properly defined. It should be from 7pm to 7 am, and all weekend.


----------



## tim (Oct 3, 2019)

equationgirl said:


> Pickman's model please point out to the author that out of hours has not been properly defined. It should be from 7pm to 7 am, and all weekend.



Pickman's model The arcane mysteries of the Poison Cupboard really deserves their own dedicated thread.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 4, 2019)

tim said:


> Pickman's model The arcane mysteries of the Poison Cupboard really deserves their own dedicated thread.


Better than Harry Potter.


----------



## ash (Oct 11, 2019)

When CAN I open the bloody door :


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 25, 2019)

Someone at work has caused an atmosphere of resentment and bitter recriminations by putting the spoons in the drainer the other way round to everyone else.


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Oct 25, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> Someone at work has caused an atmosphere of resentment and bitter recriminations by putting the spoons in the drainer the other way round to everyone else.


Oh no! We're all doomed!


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 25, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> Someone at work has caused an atmosphere of resentment and bitter recriminations by putting the spoons in the drainer the other way round to everyone else.


do you agree with the majority of your colleagues or have you boldly struck out on your own?


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 25, 2019)

Pickman's model said:


> do you agree with the majority of your colleagues or have you boldly struck out on your own?


I agree with them, but the person does have a point. I can't see it being settled amicably though.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 31, 2019)

Have we had this one?


----------



## existentialist (Oct 31, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Have we had this one?
> 
> View attachment 188630


Heartfelt.


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 1, 2019)

I give points for clarity of rage.


----------



## iona (Nov 3, 2019)




----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 8, 2019)




----------



## marty21 (Nov 8, 2019)

Meanwhile at HQ, the staff can't make up their mind whether it is too hot, or too cold in the building , and also how we can save the planet. All via our internal Yammer system.



> 5th floor is boiling hot and stuffy this morning. As well as removing plastic items from the kitchen we should not be overheating the building, to save the planet. Please can this be resolved.





> Come down to the 3rd floor -here is colder than North Pole. My chair has already turned into an arctic ice.



and others are outraged about 'WFH'


> Don't even get me started on homeworking!! Some staff are not allowed to WFH more than 1 day a week but in other departments they are allowed to WFH 4-5 days a week! Even in teams where people do the same jobs they are not allowed the same WFH rights. How on earth does that work? There is absoultely no equity in the scheme and it very miuch depends on your manager or the department you work in.



It's all kicking off at HQ -


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 8, 2019)

Unequal working from home privileges was a contentious issue at my last employer. Company policy was that no-one was supposed to do it without prior authorisation. I once was authorised to work from home for four Fridays as part of a return to work plan after serious illness, and to obtain authorisation HR and Health and Safety people came to my flat to check my computer set up.

Other people would just randomly email in saying they were working from home, some wouldn't even do that.

One person has worked from home for two years as they are unable to travel.

At my current company, everyone apart from the the junior admin can work from home, as someone is required to be in the offices for external visitors.

It doesn't need to be contentious if handled fairly and the job allows remote working. Some jobs don't.


----------



## friedaweed (Dec 5, 2019)

Not a scolding email but this made me laugh at a place I've just visited.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 11, 2019)

cardgate rumbles on equationgirl


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 11, 2019)

Openly anti-semitic/islamophobic sentiments were expressed today by a colleague. I said 'stop that right now' and walked away, which is a bit lame I suppose. But I didn't want to have an enervating conversation with someone so ignorant.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 11, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> Openly anti-semitic/islamophobic sentiments were expressed today by a colleague. I said 'stop that right now' and walked away, which is a bit lame I suppose. But I didn't want to have an enervating conversation with someone so ignorant.


you need to make sure people have stopped it, which sadly entails remaining in their vicinity for a few minutes.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 11, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> Openly anti-semitic/islamophobic sentiments were expressed today by a colleague. I said 'stop that right now' and walked away, which is a bit lame I suppose. But I didn't want to have an enervating conversation with someone so ignorant.


in addition, i don't see what that's got to do with scolding emails. work frustrations or what's vexed you today threads may be a better outlet for this sort of thing


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 11, 2019)

Oops, meant to post that in the work frustrations thread, soz


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 11, 2019)

Pickman's model said:


> you need to make sure people have stopped it, which sadly entails remaining in their vicinity for a few minutes.


They were only talking to me, so walking away did stop it


----------



## smmudge (Dec 11, 2019)

Pickman's model said:


> cardgate rumbles on equationgirl
> View attachment 192608



I thought they locked down the card use authorisations to stop this?!


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 12, 2019)

This is looking like deliberate fraud Pickman's model , unless someone is leaving their card somewhere easily accessible. Or maybe a cunning bluff...

Thanks for the update, almost as good as an Agatha Christie


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 12, 2019)

smmudge said:


> I thought they locked down the card use authorisations to stop this?!


So did we all


----------



## tim (Dec 12, 2019)

Pickman's model said:


> in addition, i don't see what that's got to do with scolding emails. work frustrations or what's vexed you today threads may be a better outlet for this sort of thing




Excellent! A scolding post on the scolding email thread.


----------



## friedaweed (Jan 10, 2020)

Have to share this little gem from Macclesfield Town Hall today.


----------



## existentialist (Jan 10, 2020)

tim said:


> Excellent! A scolding post on the scolding email thread.


Shit just got meta.


----------



## existentialist (Jan 10, 2020)

friedaweed said:


> View attachment 195462
> 
> Have to share this little gem from Macclesfield Town Hall today.


What a fucking awful shred of doggerel that was, to be sure.


----------



## Pickman's model (Jan 10, 2020)

friedaweed said:


> View attachment 195462
> 
> Have to share this little gem from Macclesfield Town Hall today.


There should be an anti-poet laureate whose work would consist of composing such wretched verse


----------



## existentialist (Jan 10, 2020)

Pickman's model said:


> There should be an anti-poet laureate whose work would consist of composing such wretched verse


It looks like one already exists


----------



## friedaweed (Jan 10, 2020)

Pickman's model said:


> There should be an anti-poet laureate whose work would consist of composing such wretched verse





existentialist said:


> It looks like one already exists



Macclesfield is a very special place and it's Town Hall, which is a lovely building, clearly has some odd folk working in it


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 31, 2020)

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to send out a quick note and say a huge thank you for the lovely send off, and amazing leaving gift.

You _really_ did not have to do that! I am super grateful and appreciate you all a hell of a lot ❤

Going to miss each and every single one of you so much! You can’t get rid of me that easy though, I’ll be back to see you all soon!

I can’t thank you all enough for making me feel so welcome and letting me become part of the ******* family!

As I said earlier, it’s been short but sweet – even though it feels like I’m now a part of the furniture!!

After some peer pressure, I’ve booked a table over at *All Bar One in Leicester Square* (next to McDonalds)!

If you’re not busy and would like to join for a drink after work, the area is booked from 6pm 😊

Wishing you all a fab 2020! I’ll be sure to keep in touch x

P.S. I’ll be here smiling in spirit 😝





Had no idea we had a reception, let alone a receptionist. Every day's a school day


----------



## Winot (Jan 31, 2020)

lol


----------



## dervish (Jan 31, 2020)

Not sure if I've posted this before, but these were up in all the toilets in my company for ages, then they disappeared. I happened to go to the third floor where all the execs live and they still have one up. 

This is a FTSE 25 company.


----------



## Idris2002 (Feb 11, 2020)




----------



## teuchter (Feb 11, 2020)

I am not going to contribute to a tea and coffee fund which provides me with instant coffee. I'll be adding a third jar, with an appropriate label.


----------



## nogojones (Feb 11, 2020)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> Just wanted to send out a quick note and say a huge thank you for the lovely send off, and amazing leaving gift.
> 
> ...


No need to worry yourself with the little people. You'll find that elves clean the office at night too


----------



## nogojones (Feb 11, 2020)

Idris2002 said:


> View attachment 198221


Empty the shit jar and top it up with the "good" gear.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 11, 2020)

nogojones said:


> No need to worry yourself with the little people. You'll find that elves clean the office at night too




tbf it's been nearly 4 years since I set foot in the place...


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 12, 2020)




----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 12, 2020)

teuchter said:


> I am not going to contribute to a tea and coffee fund which provides me with instant coffee. I'll be adding a third jar, with an appropriate label.


"put excrement in here for teuchter, the contrary cunt"


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 12, 2020)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 198301


There's too many loopholes in that for people to use, nobody will get rid of anything.


----------



## mx wcfc (Feb 12, 2020)

The "no hot food at desks" email came around again today, this time with a quite specific "This includes porridge as well as soup at lunchtime".

The peasants are rebelling. 

I'm still waiting for the "polite reminder" that we aren't allowed to put our coats over the backs of our chairs.


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 13, 2020)

mx wcfc said:


> The "no hot food at desks" email came around again today, this time with a quite specific "This includes porridge as well as soup at lunchtime".
> 
> The peasants are rebelling.
> 
> I'm still waiting for the "polite reminder" that we aren't allowed to put our coats over the backs of our chairs.


Presumably soup at other times quite acceptable. Order in a pizza and eat it nonchalantly at your desk


----------



## porp (Feb 13, 2020)

equationgirl said:


> Pickman's model please point out to the author that out of hours has not been properly defined. It should be from 7pm to 7 am, and all weekend.


Helpful clarification, but I'm still confused. If it's Monday at 2am, I'm not covered by the "all weekend" rule, and I'm not sure the 7pm to 7am rule has kicked in at this point. Maybe it's fine for me to work alone


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 18, 2020)




----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 18, 2020)




----------



## quiet guy (Feb 18, 2020)

Oh dear, that's you been told then.👍


----------



## strung out (Feb 18, 2020)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 198935


If the sender thinks it's unfair that the e-mail is being sent out to everyone, then why did they send it out to everyone?


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 18, 2020)

I used to do research work for my PhD at the desk when I was evening staff many moons ago. I used to serve customers too. I even on occasion gave tutorial support when students were stuck on their homework. I think someone is being a little too exacting with professional standards Pickman's model although I do think they have a tiny point about the live streaming of sporting events


----------



## marty21 (Feb 18, 2020)

Idris2002 said:


> View attachment 198221


I would definitely go for the stuff I haven't paid for .


----------



## Pickman's model (Feb 18, 2020)

strung out said:


> If the sender thinks it's unfair that the e-mail is being sent out to everyone, then why did they send it out to everyone?


They didn't, it went solely to the evening and weekend team. As I have worked the occasional evening and weekend (tho not since May) I'm on the email list


----------



## equationgirl (Feb 18, 2020)

Pickman's model said:


> They didn't, it went solely to the evening and weekend team. As I have worked the occasional evening and weekend (tho not since May) I'm on the email list


Every library worker knows there's quiet times and busy times in a library. You can't take the book trolley for reshelving all the time. You need something to do at the desk...


----------



## Pickman's model (Mar 10, 2020)

more of a please don't scold email


----------



## lizzieloo (Jul 31, 2020)

We all had one of our "BEST" safety bulletin things today

*"What needs to be done *
_*
BEST Observers Back to Risk, 
*_
*Lifting and Not Looking at risk behaviours are normally avoidable and should be when possible. BEST Observers need to ensure ......"*

Does that make no sense at all, or is it just me missing something?


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Jul 31, 2020)

lizzieloo said:


> We all had one of our "BEST" safety bulletin things today
> 
> *"What needs to be done *
> 
> ...


No, it's not just you!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 31, 2020)

That makes no sense lizzieloo


----------



## equationgirl (Jul 31, 2020)

lizzieloo said:


> We all had one of our "BEST" safety bulletin things today
> 
> *"What needs to be done *
> 
> ...


That make no sense. I think maybe the 'at' should be capitalised which would help, but there's definitely a word missing after 'be'.


----------



## extra dry (Aug 2, 2020)

LeytonCatLady said:


> No, it's not just you!


Context?


----------



## LeytonCatLady (Aug 2, 2020)

extra dry said:


> Context?


lizzieloo asked "Is it just me missing something?" Hence my reply.


----------



## extra dry (Aug 2, 2020)

Not exactly scolding but I want imput on making it sound dynamic or as if were we are going somewhere, other than down the pan.

  ______________
Thank you ### 

I will contact @%# on Monday, Hope all going ok with your self. 

We had visit from $$$ this afternoon seemed to understand the teacher issues. As in employing teachers.

Since we reopened  the branch has grown 50%.  

 So far I ve met a core of the new branch teachers, I had some success with getting everyone to dress smartly, only one japanesse male teacher hasn't followed along, I left him alone for the moment. 

 I said to $$$ something like some teachers had 'gone home' meaning everything from getting work online, quitting to being locked out of the country.

 I did not have a free slot in the late afternoon to have a long chat with him, $$$, he did talk to S/J/B.


Ex Dri


Any pointers? Post on monday


----------



## Maltin (Aug 2, 2020)

extra dry said:


> Not exactly scolding but I want imput on making it sound dynamic or as if were we are going somewhere, other than down the pan.
> 
> ______________
> Thank you ###
> ...


Given it seems to be about teachers, some more punctuation and better grammar wouldn’t go amiss.


----------



## extra dry (Aug 4, 2020)

Maltin said:


> Given it seems to be about teachers, some more punctuation and better grammar wouldn’t go amiss.


you are right, ha ha, in the end, I did not bother sending it.


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 28, 2020)

cardgate rumbles on


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 28, 2020)

Pickman's model said:


> cardgate rumbles on
> View attachment 232143


I don't think you have a card problem, I think it's a security problem...


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 28, 2020)

equationgirl said:


> I don't think you have a card problem, I think it's a security problem...


i don't have a problem at all, it's the people next door who have the problem


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 28, 2020)

Pickman's model said:


> i don't have a problem at all, it's the people next door who have the problem


Well not 'you' personally, you as in your employer.

You would have thought they would have realised the way they are managing the credit card has loopholes by now...


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 28, 2020)

equationgirl said:


> Well not 'you' personally, you as in your employer.
> 
> You would have thought they would have realised the way they are managing the credit card has loopholes by now...


yeh it's ludicrous, it's been going on years.


----------



## strung out (Sep 28, 2020)

Pickman's model said:


> cardgate rumbles on
> View attachment 232143


The library acquisitions team I manage had an Amazon Prime subscription for next day delivery too, but we got forced to cancel it shortly after I started using the login for watching TV shows and movies, though those two things were completely unrelated I believe


----------



## donkyboy (Oct 14, 2020)

I got tomorrow booked off for surgery. My manager asked what it is for and I just brushed it off as nothing major (which is is true) I will be given couple of weeks off, but I dont want the surgeon to state on the sick note what the surgery is for as its non of my employers business. If the surgeon insists on stating it, anyone know if it will be a HR issue if I cover it with a marker pen?


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 15, 2020)

donkyboy said:


> I got tomorrow booked off for surgery. My manager asked what it is for and I just brushed it off as nothing major (which is is true) I will be given couple of weeks off, but I dont want the surgeon to state on the sick note what the surgery is for as its non of my employers business. If the surgeon insists on stating it, anyone know if it will be a HR issue if I cover it with a marker pen?


If you ask the surgeon not to state the exact cause I'm sure they will be vague. I wouldn't cover the cause with marker pen in case HR reject it.

Get them to write minor surgery. Your employer should be following the new GDPR regs and treating your information accordingly.


----------



## equationgirl (Oct 15, 2020)

And hope all goes well donkyboy


----------



## donkyboy (Oct 15, 2020)

equationgirl said:


> If you ask the surgeon not to state the exact cause I'm sure they will be vague. I wouldn't cover the cause with marker pen in case HR reject it.
> 
> Get them to write minor surgery. Your employer should be following the new GDPR regs and treating your information accordingly.



all good. got 2 weeks off and they just mentioned "surgery" on the sick note.


----------



## moomoo (Oct 15, 2020)

donkyboy said:


> I got tomorrow booked off for surgery. My manager asked what it is for and I just brushed it off as nothing major (which is is true) I will be given couple of weeks off, but I dont want the surgeon to state on the sick note what the surgery is for as its non of my employers business. If the surgeon insists on stating it, anyone know if it will be a HR issue if I cover it with a marker pen?



I had to send a sick note in last week because I’ve had surgery and it actually mentioned ‘anal’ something or other. Brilliant. Still, at least my boss won’t ask any questions!!


----------



## StoneRoad (Oct 15, 2020)

Seconded donkyboy - hope all goes well, and your recovery is easy, quick and complete.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 28, 2020)

donkyboy, hope you are all recovered now?

What piece of office stationary was it they removed from your orifice anyway?


----------



## donkyboy (Oct 28, 2020)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> donkyboy, hope you are all recovered now?
> 
> What piece of office stationary was it they removed from your orifice anyway?



Ha. I was given two weeks off, but still not recovered so called the local GP who authorised an additional 2 weeks without me even needing to go in and be seen. they asked how much longer I needed. Told them another 2 weeks should do it.  So don't go back till the 18th Nov. I'm getting better and confident will have fully recovered by that time.    Plus, it gets us closer to Christmas by the time I go back.


----------



## emanymton (Oct 28, 2020)

No not my work. Not really scalding either.


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 4, 2020)

equationgirl Badgers muscovyduckthey think it's all over


----------



## BoatieBird (Dec 4, 2020)

End of an era Pickman's model


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 4, 2020)

BoatieBird said:


> End of an era Pickman's model


----------



## quiet guy (Dec 4, 2020)

No more Amazon Prime orders, what will some of the staff do for presents now


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 10, 2020)

I fully expect that the fraud will continue unless the culprit has left or greater security measures around the card are implemented.

Pickman's model


----------



## cybershot (Dec 12, 2020)

I’ve missed this thread this year.
Constantly telling people they are on mute just isn’t the same.


----------



## Lazy Llama (Dec 12, 2020)

cybershot said:


> I’ve missed this thread this year.
> Constantly telling people they are on mute just isn’t the same.


I presume people have been blocking their own toilets with an entire roll of loo roll, pissing on their own seats, microwaving stinky fish and using up all the milk by 9am in their own kitchens each day.


----------



## smmudge (Dec 12, 2020)

We've had a couple of moany ones from IT recently, basically telling people to stop watching Netflix and YouTube while on the company's VPN.


----------



## cybershot (Dec 12, 2020)

smmudge said:


> We've had a couple of moany ones from IT recently, basically telling people to stop watching Netflix and YouTube while on the company's VPN.



why on earth isn’t the default setting of the VPN split tunnel is what I’d be replying to IT with.


----------



## Badgers (Dec 14, 2020)

Just had a company wide email warning people who 'talk to the press about the company/work' will be dismissed  

Wish I could share it


----------



## existentialist (Dec 14, 2020)

Badgers said:


> Just had a company wide email warning people who 'talk to the press about the company/work' will be dismissed
> 
> Wish I could share it


Nothing like a threat of that nature to tell you that they're feeling very, very uncomfortable about _something_


----------



## cybershot (Dec 14, 2020)

Badgers said:


> Just had a company wide email warning people who 'talk to the press about the company/work' will be dismissed
> 
> Wish I could share it



You work for the Royal Family?


----------



## Badgers (Dec 14, 2020)

cybershot said:


> You work for the Royal Family?


No, but an equally greedy and incompetent bunch of cunts


----------



## izz (Dec 14, 2020)

Badgers said:


> No, but an equally greedy and incompetent bunch of cunts


oh the _government_


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 14, 2020)

Badgers said:


> Just had a company wide email warning people who 'talk to the press about the company/work' will be dismissed
> 
> Wish I could share it


even if (on the off-chance) they say nice things?


----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 14, 2020)

for some reason i've got an email from 'MyAnalytics':

the scolding is more implicit in this email.


----------



## smmudge (Dec 14, 2020)

Pickman's model said:


> for some reason i've got an email from 'MyAnalytics':
> View attachment 243472
> the scolding is more implicit in this email.
> 
> View attachment 243473



That looks like productive time working with others to me. Spending more time doing that wouldn't necessarily be more productive, in fact wouldn't it indicate the opposite. 

I got a myanalytics email this morning too, I have a feeling it had something to do with Microsoft falling over for the whole of Europe until about 9.30am.


----------



## Badgers (Dec 14, 2020)

I get that shit too Pickman's model  

Have just deleted them all


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Dec 14, 2020)

Pickman's model said:


> for some reason i've got an email from 'MyAnalytics':



I get these daily and just delete them.

It's something that Outlook does automatically.

It's bollocks - is time in meetings etc supposed to be good or bad?  and how does it know if time in Teams chats is productive work or talking about last night's telly?


----------



## hitmouse (Dec 14, 2020)

Not scolding as such, but I recently got a work email from someone who couldn't decide between starting with "Dear Hitmouse" or "To Whom It May Concern", and so decided to go with the novel approach of "Dear Concern..."


----------



## steeplejack (Dec 14, 2020)

Disappointing lack of "_Dear colleague, whilst we have no wish to dampen the festive spirits..._." passive /aggressive don't event _think of going on holiday until the work I need is done_ type e-mails this year


----------



## steeplejack (Dec 14, 2020)

...anyway, such e-mails normally get a mental invitation to cram their workload sideways up their arse with a mailed fist, before the computer is simply turned off until 5 January.


----------



## a_chap (Dec 14, 2020)

Puddy_Tat said:


> ... and how does it know if time in Teams chats is productive work or talking about last night's telly?



Because it's listening to all your Teams calls, reading all your emails and feeding them into the "Graph" from which its AI determines how productive you are, citizen.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Dec 14, 2020)

a_chap said:


> Because it's listening to all your Teams calls, reading all your emails and feeding them into the "Graph" from which its AI determines how productive you are, citizen.





one of my colleagues did manage to say something - shall we say - faintly unprofessional in a teams chat when we were quite new to it.

unfortunately, most of us were still working in the office at that stage, and someone in the chat was using his laptop to give a presentation at the time...


----------



## smmudge (Dec 22, 2020)

Today my MyAnalytics email told me to check my emails less!!

"You read over three quarters of your emails within 30 minutes. To maximize focus, try checking your inbox once an hour. If that works well, try upping your time to once every two hours."!!!

What it doesn't say is how long it will actually take me to reply to an email after I've read it, if I bother replying at all.

It's funny it thinks I'm "focused" just because I'm not in a meeting or reading emails, how naive!


----------



## donkyboy (Dec 22, 2020)

We had a MS Team meeting with our manager yesterday for our team. 5 minutes was spent on department updates and the rest of the hour and 5 minutes was spent talking about christmas movies, irish accents, covid mutations and marriage/relationships etc.  

If the upper management found out we spend all these "every other day" meetings as excuse to take a long break from working, I dont think they will be best pleased.


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 25, 2020)

Pickman's model said:


> for some reason i've got an email from 'MyAnalytics':
> View attachment 243472
> the scolding is more implicit in this email.
> 
> View attachment 243473


It's spam from Microsoft. The few are mildly interesting but they get old quickly. I just ignore them.or delete them. I'm collaborative enough, thanks.


----------



## quiet guy (Dec 26, 2020)

smmudge said:


> Today my MyAnalytics email told me to check my emails less!!
> 
> "You read over three quarters of your emails within 30 minutes. To maximize focus, try checking your inbox once an hour. If that works well, try upping your time to once every two hours."!!!
> 
> ...


I remember a former manager telling me off for not responding immediately to an email she had sent. I'd been dealing with collating some facts for a report that she had requested earlier in the day. Sometimes you can't win.


----------



## two sheds (Dec 26, 2020)

donkyboy said:


> We had a MS Team meeting with our manager yesterday for our team. 5 minutes was spent on department updates and the rest of the hour and 5 minutes was spent talking about christmas movies, irish accents, covid mutations and marriage/relationships etc.
> 
> If the upper management found out we spend all these "every other day" meetings as excuse to take a long break from working, I dont think they will be best pleased.



Don't they recognize teambuilding and strengthening personal relationships?


----------



## strung out (Jun 17, 2021)

This thread's been quiet 

Not really a scolding e-mail, but I enjoyed this item which came through in our organisation's weekly newsletter


----------



## billy_bob (Jun 17, 2021)

I think it's fair to say the people who said North Macedonia or Scotland couldn't care less either.


----------



## Favelado (Jun 17, 2021)

billy_bob said:


> I think it's fair to say the people who said North Macedonia or Scotland couldn't care less either.



Macedonia means 'fruit salad' in Spanish and I think 'North Fruit Salad' is my favourite country name in a football tournament since 'Doctor Congo'.


----------



## billy_bob (Jun 19, 2021)

billy_bob said:


> I think it's fair to say the people who said North Macedonia or Scotland couldn't care less either.



This morning I'm feeling a bit like those mugs they interview pre-match confidently predicting Engerland are going to win thirteen or fourteen nil and then show on the news afterwards when we've failed to beat a team that hasn't won an international game since you could still smoke while in goal.


----------



## dervish (Jul 15, 2021)

Not exactly office, but this came from our local council.


----------



## 8ball (Jul 15, 2021)

Green fingers are not accurate fingers


----------



## extra dry (Jul 25, 2021)

dervish said:


> Not exactly office, but this came from our local council.
> 
> View attachment 278624


Its some coded message for a certain plant? Post your numbers?


----------



## kabbes (Sep 13, 2021)

I don’t get scolding emails anymore but I do get “well-being” emails that begin like this one from today:



> Dear colleague,
> 
> As part of our continued events and webinars, this month we wanted to shed some light on difficult, taboo topics of suicide prevention and Gynaecological cancers…


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 13, 2021)

kabbes said:


> I don’t get scolding emails anymore but I do get “well-being” emails that begin like this one from today:


A somewhat misguided opening, I feel.


----------



## spanglechick (Sep 13, 2021)

kabbes said:


> I don’t get scolding emails anymore but I do get “well-being” emails that begin like this one from today:


How are those two topics related?


----------



## kabbes (Sep 13, 2021)

spanglechick said:


> How are those two topics related?


In the minds of HR drones that want to tick their quota of making all employees feel like there is something wrong with them if they can’t feel happy at all times.


----------



## smmudge (Sep 13, 2021)

kabbes said:


> In the minds of HR drones that want to tick their quota of making all employees feel like there is something wrong with them if they can’t feel happy at all times.



And also it's on the employee if they have a problem, nothing to do with work/working conditions.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Sep 13, 2021)

smmudge said:


> And also it's on the employee if they have a problem, nothing to do with work/working conditions.



so they can be sacked for being ill


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 13, 2021)

My glorious former employer is big on mentioning suicide rates amongst men on world mental health day. It's a box ticking exercise, they've made it abundantly clear on numerous occasions that the working conditions that likely contribute towards poor employee mental health are something employees just have to suck up.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Sep 13, 2021)

equationgirl said:


> they've made it abundantly clear on numerous occasions that the working conditions that likely contribute towards poor employee mental health are something employees just have to suck up.



but have some buzzword laden 'wellbeing' bullshit to take your mind off it...


----------



## existentialist (Sep 13, 2021)

Puddy_Tat said:


> but have some buzzword laden 'wellbeing' bullshit to take your mind off it...


TBF, I've taught a few wellbeing sessions in businesses, and I hardly use any buzzwords at all 

I find a generous larding of swearing generally gets the point across much better


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 13, 2021)

Puddy_Tat said:


> but have some buzzword laden 'wellbeing' bullshit to take your mind off it...


Exactly. They like to post the bullshit on LinkedIn. 

The last time they did I may have posted a pithy response saying they need to do more to stop things getting so bad, like running redundancy processes better and not sending random employee assistance programme leaflets without explanation then congratulating themselves on how great they are on mental health.

Someone from the workforce committed suicide a couple of years back so their faux concern just makes me angry.


----------



## equationgirl (Sep 13, 2021)

existentialist said:


> TBF, I've taught a few wellbeing sessions in businesses, and I hardly use any buzzwords at all
> 
> I find a generous larding of swearing generally gets the point across much better


But you actually give a shit about this stuff.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Sep 13, 2021)

equationgirl said:


> The last time they did I may have posted a pithy response



I think they are taking the pith



equationgirl said:


> Someone from the workforce committed suicide a couple of years back so their faux concern just makes me angry.


----------



## UnderAnOpenSky (Sep 15, 2021)

Edit. Wrong thread


----------



## Ax^ (Sep 29, 2021)

So we have a marketing department who regulary updates our email signature with whatever ballocks they want to fill it with

sometimes its opening new offices or some award they entered, which you have to pay to enter and then ask us all to vote for
i don't


so we won another one strangely enough and they changed everyones email signature
no this is done overnight whilst none of us are present in the building just appears after you sent an email

one lass in the CS department was sent an email from the Customer service relationship manager for not having kind regards in her email signature
as she is customer facing, it was removed in the update


and people wonder why morale at the job is low


----------



## 8ball (Sep 29, 2021)

Ax^ said:


> So we have a marketing department who regulary updates our email signature with whatever ballocks they want to fill it with
> 
> sometimes its opening new offices or some award they entered, which you have to pay to enter and then ask us all to vote for
> i don't
> ...



Beatings will continue until morale improves.


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 5, 2021)




----------



## Schmetterling (Nov 5, 2021)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 295528


... contact myself ....   nnnnnngngngngngn


----------



## Elpenor (Nov 5, 2021)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 295528


Appreciate the update on current events!


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 5, 2021)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 295528


No prizes for guessing what some of your colleagues have been doing recently.

Makes a nice change from the credit card stuff though. How's that going?


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 5, 2021)

equationgirl said:


> No prizes for guessing what some of your colleagues have been doing recently.
> 
> Makes a nice change from the credit card stuff though. How's that going?


all quiet on that front


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 9, 2021)




----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 9, 2021)

the halcyon days when we got emails about the poison cabinet's missing key to misuse of the credit card are it seems long gone


----------



## equationgirl (Nov 9, 2021)

Pickman's model said:


> the halcyon days when we got emails about the poison cabinet's missing key to misuse of the credit card are it seems long gone



I miss those credit card emails


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 22, 2021)

Just put this up at work over the thermostat:


----------



## tim (Nov 22, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> Just put this up at work over the thermostat:
> View attachment 297820


There's plenty of ice at the antarctic so we should send all the polar bears there; as a bonus, if they feel a little p-peckish, they can p-p-pick up a penguin.


----------



## 8ball (Nov 22, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> Just put this up at work over the thermostat:
> View attachment 297820



Bet they leave the lights on when they’re not in the room too.  I’d put up some pics of Greta Thunberg glaring near all the light switches.  Nights are drawing in…


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Nov 23, 2021)

To be fair if those dickhead bears weren’t having winter with no light and no warm, we wouldn’t need central heating and leccy. Fix that one scientists


----------



## petee (Nov 23, 2021)

billy_bob said:


> since you could still smoke while in goal.



i found the picture - you're not kidding!


----------



## Pickman's model (Nov 30, 2021)

e2a: this is a liquid nitrogen device - hence 'LN'

oh: and attached photo


----------



## equationgirl (Dec 2, 2021)

Pickman's model for fucks sake some clever people are really not very smart. What a twat whoever did this - how did they manage to snap it off??

My money is on someone who shouldn't have been using it in the first place.


----------



## Spymaster (Dec 2, 2021)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 298768
> 
> e2a: this is a liquid nitrogen device - hence 'LN'
> 
> ...



I've just learnt what a dewar is.


----------



## existentialist (Dec 2, 2021)

Spymaster said:


> I've just learnt what a dewar is.


I was confused by the lowercase 'd'. I knew what a Dewar flask is, but it appears that, just like my favourite operating system, I'm case-sensitive


----------



## Spymaster (Dec 2, 2021)

existentialist said:


> I was confused by the lowercase 'd'. I knew what a Dewar flask is, but it appears that, just like my favourite operating system, I'm case-sensitive



If he'd used a capital 'D' I'd have thought it was something to do with whisky.


----------



## quiet guy (Dec 6, 2021)

Shouldn't be difficult to track the last user of the broken dewar because they must have had to log a request for liquid nitrogen for whatever task they were undertaking or am I being naive in thinking they keep records of usage


----------



## A380 (Dec 6, 2021)

Will they call the police in, and if so when the officer finds out who dunnit will  they say: "dewar under arrest" ?


----------



## Part 2 (Jan 17, 2022)




----------



## billy_bob (Jan 17, 2022)

Part 2 said:


> View attachment 306363



Someone's just begging to have their 'milk' tampered with...


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 8, 2022)

Hi all,

In the unlikely event any of you were planning to, please *do not enter* the SEM room in the basement (B20). The microscope is currently disassembled, but still live, and there is an electric shock hazard for anyone touching parts of the microscope. The door will be locked until the microscope is back together again. Also, please excuse the things in the corridor, we had to clear the room for the engineers.

Best,


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 8, 2022)

Hi all,

*Use of kettle in kitchen *

[XXXXX] has purchased us a new kettle which is now in the kitchen*.

A reminder that this kettle should *only be used to boil water,* not to cook anything or heat anything else in it, e.g. milk, food, etc.

On two separate occasions now, non-water items have been found in the kettle and others have had to clean it out first. If you need to heat anything, please use the microwave.

All the best

_to which the head of department has replied:_

Hi all

Have to say that I am still quite astounded at this. This is a significant health and safety risk on a number of levels – fire, allergies etc.

Please let’s make sure this does not happen again. We do not want to get to a point where we cannot have a kettle available for use.

All the very best,


----------



## Spymaster (Apr 8, 2022)

Pickman's model said:


> A reminder that this kettle should *only be used to boil water,* not to cook anything or heat anything else in it, e.g. milk, food, etc.
> 
> On two separate occasions now, non-water items have been found in the kettle and others have had to clean it out first. If you need to heat anything, please use the microwave.



I reckon the same fuckwit did it twice.

Surely you can't have 2 people that fucking stupid in the same company.


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 8, 2022)

Spymaster said:


> I reckon the same fuckwit did it twice.
> 
> Surely you can't have 2 people that fucking stupid in the same company.


it's not a particularly large department, whoever's done this must have done some other peculiar things


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 8, 2022)

Spymaster said:


> I reckon the same fuckwit did it twice.
> 
> Surely you can't have 2 people that fucking stupid in the same company.


Yes, yes you can, in my experience.


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 8, 2022)

Pickman's model said:


> it's not a particularly large department, whoever's done this must have done some other peculiar things


I love reading these emails. I am eagerly awaiting an update to the credit card saga...


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 8, 2022)

equationgirl said:


> I love reading these emails. I am eagerly awaiting an update to the credit card saga...


my favourite was the poison cupboard key one


----------



## StoneRoad (Apr 8, 2022)

Spymaster said:


> I reckon the same fuckwit did it twice.
> 
> Surely you can't have 2 people that fucking stupid in the same company.


Like equationgirl said,

Yes, you certainly can.
Not necessarily expressed as doing daft things with kettles ...

However, for several years before covid stopped my business stays in hotels, more than once I had to take kettles straight to reception because they had been used for purposes other than boiling water ...

Hard boiled eggs was the usual problem, but once it had been kippers boiled in the bag ...


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 8, 2022)

StoneRoad said:


> Like equationgirl said,
> 
> Yes, you certainly can.
> Not necessarily expressed as doing daft things with kettles ...
> ...


that sort of thing boils my piss


----------



## bluescreen (Apr 8, 2022)

StoneRoad said:


> Like equationgirl said,
> 
> Yes, you certainly can.
> Not necessarily expressed as doing daft things with kettles ...
> ...


My son's hall of residence had someone use a kettle for boiling soup. He doesn't know if was the same person who didn't realise you had to use water when cooking spaghetti.


----------



## Mumbles274 (Apr 8, 2022)

Pickman's model said:


> that sort of thing boils my piss


Thats why you shouldn't use kettles in hotel rooms. You'll be boiling someone's piss


----------



## Spymaster (Apr 8, 2022)

StoneRoad said:


> Hard boiled eggs was the usual problem, but once it had been kippers boiled in the bag ...



To do this, the fuckwit would have to override the automatic cut-off by taping the switch down, or similar.

That's spectacularly dangerous


----------



## 8ball (Apr 8, 2022)

Spymaster said:


> To do this, the fuckwit would have to override the automatic cut-off by taping the switch down, or similar.
> 
> That's spectacularly dangerous



Poached eggs are much safer.


----------



## isvicthere? (Apr 9, 2022)

StoneRoad said:


> Like equationgirl said,
> 
> Yes, you certainly can.
> Not necessarily expressed as doing daft things with kettles ...
> ...



Just a thought, but... in other European countries, Spain and France for example, the kettle is virtually unknown. Water is boiled in a saucepan. Maybe the guests in these hotels were continentals thinking of the kettle as some kind of supercharged cooking pot?


----------



## equationgirl (Apr 9, 2022)

isvicthere? said:


> Just a thought, but... in other European countries, Spain and France for example, the kettle is virtually unknown. Water is boiled in a saucepan. Maybe the guests in these hotels were continentals thinking of the kettle as some kind of supercharged cooking pot?


I was thinking the same thing. We in the UK take kettles for granted but other countries don't use them. Seeing a kettle for the first time might be confusing for someone if they have no experience of using one.


----------



## StoneRoad (Apr 9, 2022)

equationgirl said:


> I was thinking the same thing. We in the UK take kettles for granted but other countries don't use them. Seeing a kettle for the first time might be confusing for someone if they have no experience of using one.


I've stayed in "a few hotels" in France, Netherlands & Poland, as well as many in the UK.
Kettle & coffee/tea kits were present in all but the cheaper pensions [chain businesses of el-cheapo rooms] - but, even from those you could get one from "reception" [ditto irons, hair dryer and extra bedding / towels] if you asked nicely & paid the deposit.


----------



## tim (Apr 9, 2022)

isvicthere? said:


> Just a thought, but... in other European countries, Spain and France for example, the kettle is virtually unknown. Water is boiled in a saucepan. Maybe the guests in these hotels were continentals thinking of the kettle as some kind of supercharged cooking pot?


The Charge of the Benefit of the Doubt Brigade


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## ouirdeaux (Apr 9, 2022)

I was under the impression the original miscreants were people working in an office in the UK. Maybe, just maybe, they're from abroad and haven't been in the country long enough to learn about kettles. But the odds are against it.


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## billy_bob (Apr 11, 2022)

Just one of the many things we were falsely promised we wouldn't have to worry about any more after Brexit, then


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## Elpenor (Apr 29, 2022)

An intriguing one today 

“A see through ‘zippy bag’ of medication / drugs has been found in the cafe and handed into reception

If this belongs to you please collect from reception today before 1800 hrs”


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## Pickman's model (Apr 29, 2022)

Elpenor said:


> An intriguing one today
> 
> “A see through ‘zippy bag’ of medication / drugs has been found in the cafe and handed into reception
> 
> If this belongs to you please collect from reception today before 1800 hrs”


there's a conundrum for you, are you going to get your stuff back?


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## Elpenor (Apr 29, 2022)

Not falling for that again


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## Pickman's model (Jun 9, 2022)




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## UnderAnOpenSky (Jun 9, 2022)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 326353



It would annoy me tbf. My partner does this.


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## A380 (Jun 9, 2022)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 326353


You'd have thought they would have been able to predict that...


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## ouirdeaux (Jun 9, 2022)

People make tea in a teapot with tea leaves? In offices?


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## Pickman's model (Jun 9, 2022)

ouirdeaux said:


> People make tea in a teapot with tea leaves? In offices?


in an office with a poison cupboard


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## ouirdeaux (Jun 9, 2022)

Pickman's model said:


> in an office with a poison cupboard



Fuck me, you're spoilt. We're lucky if they give us milk and sugar.


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## Boris Sprinkler (Jun 9, 2022)

thank you for your coorporation. From one robot to another.


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## UnderAnOpenSky (Jun 9, 2022)

ouirdeaux said:


> People make tea in a teapot with tea leaves? In offices?



I've brought a cafetiere in which lives behind my desk next to the kettle. I recently started putting the coffee on expenses and they get paid.


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## Pickman's model (Jun 9, 2022)

UnderAnOpenSky said:


> I've brought a cafetiere in which lives behind my desk next to the kettle. I recently started putting the coffee on expenses and they get paid.


the coffee from Perky Blenders Specialty Coffee is very good, see if they'll stump up for that


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## equationgirl (Jun 9, 2022)

Pickman's model said:


> in an office with a poison cupboard


In an office with a poison cupboard WITH A MISSING KEY


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## LeytonCatLady (Jun 9, 2022)

UnderAnOpenSky said:


> I've brought a cafetiere in which lives behind my desk next to the kettle. I recently started putting the coffee on expenses and they get paid.


I just had a vision of you spilling coffee on an expense slip and the powers that be responding "Oh OK then!"


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## Rebelda (Jun 24, 2022)

Not scolding, but this made me laugh. I think it's a combo of how formal it is plus the repeated use of ring.


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## Voley (Jun 25, 2022)

Rebelda said:


> Not scolding, but this made me laugh. I think it's a combo of how formal it is plus the repeated use of ring.
> 
> View attachment 328758


Suggested improvements: 

Good morn*ring* all,

A *ring* has been found in one of the female toilets, the admin team have the *ring* locked away for safe keep*ring*.

Please *ring* the admin team if you believe it is your *ring*.

*Ring*ards,


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## billy_bob (Jun 27, 2022)

Voley said:


> Suggested improvements:
> 
> Good morn*ring* all,
> 
> ...



Suggested further improvement:

Good mornring all,

A ring has been found in one of the female toilets, the admin team have the ring locked away for safe keepring*, because it looks preciousss*.

Please ring the admin team if you believe it is your ring.

Ringards,


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## A380 (Jun 27, 2022)

billy_bob said:


> Suggested further improvement:
> 
> Good mornring all,
> 
> ...


"If no owner comes forward could it be offered to staff? I'll throw  my hat in the ring."


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## Pickman's model (Jun 29, 2022)

Subject: roof garden cushions

Can anybody shed light on the missing two large black foam cushions ?     They should have been returned back to their box at the top of the stairs, not left out as there is a possibility they could go airborne which we hope hasn’t happened.      Somebody hidden them ?


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## Pickman's model (Jul 5, 2022)

not scolding but reminiscent of the cardgate scandal of a couple of years ago


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## equationgirl (Jul 7, 2022)

I miss cardgate Pickman's model aside from the potential theft and fraud it was quite amusing.

The boxes of aprons just sounds like a mixed up order. Sadface.


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## equationgirl (Jul 7, 2022)

Exactly Pickman's model exactly.

Anyway I have changed employer so am back in the university sector and am becoming exposed to all the batshittery one could dream of, sans le clef to the poisons cupboard.


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## Artaxerxes (Jul 8, 2022)

ouirdeaux said:


> People make tea in a teapot with tea leaves? In offices?



I use paper tea bags and loose leaf


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## nogojones (Jul 8, 2022)

ouirdeaux said:


> People make tea in a teapot with tea leaves? In offices?


Why not. Lets make the process that little bit longer.

Boss makes a dollar
I make a dime 
That's why I brew tea on company time


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## existentialist (Jul 8, 2022)

ouirdeaux said:


> People make tea in a teapot with tea leaves? In offices?


I do. And not only for the looks of frank incomprehension I get as I bash the used leaves out, barista style, in the sink.


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## smmudge (Aug 1, 2022)

> Dear smmudge
> 
> You're receiving this email because our records show that you are due to complete the e-learning module, _Harassment & Bullying at Work_ as part of our mandatory requirement.



Yeah guess I could be better at that


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## tim (Aug 2, 2022)

smmudge said:


> Yeah guess I could be better at that


Our worst was being obliged to do a module on modern slavery for which we weren't paid.


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## Pickman's model (Aug 16, 2022)




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## billy_bob (Aug 16, 2022)

Pickman's model said:


> 'Many thanks for your co-operation in this matter.'



Bit presumptuous...


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## Elpenor (Aug 16, 2022)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 337922



Not surprised it’s blocked with grout in it!


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## stdP (Aug 22, 2022)

Someone mentioned a spiraliser today, and it reminded me that I had this one, taken a good few years ago now, sitting in the archives somewhere.


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## tim (Sep 1, 2022)

Naughtiness going on downstairs, but vigilant management are keeping 'em Peeled.


"Hi all,

We continue to have multiple instances of IT equipment being removed or unplugged from staff hot desk locations in our ...  and ... locations. Equipment on our hot desks is there for all employees to make use of,  so removing them reduces the usability of that workstation.

Going forward we’ll be keeping a much closer watch on individuals who are purposefully removing equipment as there is a cost that we are incurring when equipment is removed.

Thanking you in advance for your co-operation."


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## smmudge (Sep 9, 2022)

Work queen dead email?



> Dear colleagues
> 
> Like many across our nation, I am deeply saddened to learn of the passing of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.
> 
> ...




Is this a roundabout way of saying we're waiting for the bank holiday announcement?


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## marty21 (Sep 9, 2022)

smmudge said:


> Work queen dead email?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We had something similar going around today


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## Chz (Sep 9, 2022)

The Queen was our patron, so a bit more wordy than the above but amounting to much the same thing: "Nothing to see here, get back to work"


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## Me76 (Sep 9, 2022)

Our was more neutral



> Good morning,
> 
> Following the news of the death of Queen Elizabeth II, the Government has announced a 10-day period of national mourning, beginning today.
> 
> ...


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## Puddy_Tat (Sep 10, 2022)

Me76 said:


> Our was more neutral



did you mean to leave a building name in?  as in 'external meetings schedule for ....' 

not sure quite how public this bit of urban is


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## Me76 (Sep 10, 2022)

Puddy_Tat said:


> did you mean to leave a building name in?  as in 'external meetings schedule for ....'
> 
> not sure quite how public this bit of urban is


Thank you.  Edited


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## donkyboy (Sep 25, 2022)

Not really an email, but we have decided to increase the fees we charge customers. Looking at our twitter page, seeing a lot of posts against the price increases-especially mentioning how we are increasing charges, but spending money on staff Christmas parties-despite the fact that the last 4 years, our Christmas "party" has been just gathering in one of the meeting rooms in our building and eating croissants and mince pies. Unfortunately, prices have to go up.


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## Orang Utan (Oct 7, 2022)

This has been put in the communal kitchen at work.

(They have to keep the Skip Of Negativity outside cos they can’t fit it through the doors and up the stairs)


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## billy_bob (Oct 7, 2022)

Is it terrible that my first thought was 'take a dump in it'? Maybe it's just that the wayward roll of kitchen towel put me in mind of toilets...


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## Pickman's model (Oct 7, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> This has been put in the communal kitchen at work.
> View attachment 346129
> (They have to keep the Skip Of Negativity outside cos they can’t fit it through the doors and up the stairs)


take it home with you and throw it in the canal


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## prunus (Oct 7, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> This has been put in the communal kitchen at work.
> View attachment 346129
> (They have to keep the Skip Of Negativity outside cos they can’t fit it through the doors and up the stairs)



Drop your positive covid tests in there. Handy.


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## Orang Utan (Oct 7, 2022)

prunus said:


> Drop your positive covid tests in there. Handy.


pregnancy tests too!


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## Sapphireblue (Oct 7, 2022)

please red-pen the grocer's apostrophe....


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## nottsgirl (Oct 7, 2022)

What do you put in it? Money?


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## Schmetterling (Oct 7, 2022)

billy_bob said:


> Is it terrible that my first thought was 'take a dump in it'? Maybe it's just that the wayward roll of kitchen towel put me in mind of toilets...


Not at all; it was the first thing I thought too. 😊


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## Orang Utan (Oct 7, 2022)

Sapphireblue said:


> please red-pen the grocer's apostrophe....


I will do this tomorrow - good suggestion, thanks!


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## danski (Oct 7, 2022)

Their handwriting is practically comic sans.


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## ouirdeaux (Oct 7, 2022)

But seriously, what are they for? If you want to thank someone, wouldn't going up to them and telling them be more effective than stashing a note in the box? Has everyone gone stark staring mad?


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## danski (Oct 7, 2022)

“I’m positive the government are cunts” etc. would be suitable contributions.


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## Orang Utan (Oct 7, 2022)

it doesn't help that I despise the people responsible (upstairs housing office) and nearly had a full on meltdown at work today trying to deal with the fallout they have caused by not answering their tenants' phonecalls and refusing to come down and see any of them, some of who have been sent letters informing them their block is being demolished and they have six months to find somewhere else to live. These same tenants are also coming in to my workplace in tears because their roof is leaking/window is broken and no one has come to fix it in MONTHS. 
Soz, not the thread for this


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## Orang Utan (Oct 7, 2022)

ouirdeaux said:


> But seriously, what are they for? If you want to thank someone, wouldn't going up to them and telling them be more effective than stashing a note in the box? Has everyone gone stark staring mad?


I have no idea!
But seriously tempted to use it as an opportunity to make some kind of point.
WIll probs get in hot water for that. I've already sent two emails today that will probably get me a carpeting.


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## Orang Utan (Oct 8, 2022)

Sapphireblue said:


> please red-pen the grocer's apostrophe....


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## Orang Utan (Oct 27, 2022)

Had to leave this note recently

What is it with compulsive unpluggers? You don’t unplug a microwave! It’s got a clock on it!


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## kabbes (Oct 27, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> What is it with compulsive unpluggers? You don’t unplug a microwave! It’s got a clock on it!


Do you actually rely on  your work kitchen’s microwave clock for anything?


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## Pickman's model (Oct 27, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> Had to leave this note recently
> View attachment 349055
> What is it with compulsive unpluggers? You don’t unplug a microwave! It’s got a clock on it!


microwaves ime are not like photocopiers, they turn back on really quickly. and as kabbes says, do you really rely on the microwave clock?


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## billy_bob (Oct 27, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> Had to leave this note recently
> View attachment 349055
> What is it with compulsive unpluggers? You don’t unplug a microwave! It’s got a clock on it!



OMG it's _you _everyone's been posting about on this thread all this time, isn't it


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## Orang Utan (Oct 27, 2022)

kabbes said:


> Do you actually rely on  your work kitchen’s microwave clock for anything?


Yes. It tells me what time it is is so I know how long of my meagre break is remaining


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## tim (Oct 27, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> Had to leave this note recently
> View attachment 349055
> What is it with compulsive unpluggers? You don’t unplug a microwave! It’s got a clock on it!



Any device that isn't also plugged into a patient in an ICU unit is probably fair game.


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## Orang Utan (Oct 27, 2022)

The issue is the unplugging, not the plugging


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## kabbes (Oct 27, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> Yes. It tells me what time it is is so I know how long of my meagre break is remaining


Then you are doomed. I could offer alternatives but I’m guessing you don’t want solutions, you just want to shout into the void. A blinking 04:13 it shall remain for you.


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## Orang Utan (Oct 27, 2022)

kabbes said:


> Then you are doomed. I could offer alternatives but I’m guessing you don’t want solutions, you just want to shout into the void. A blinking 04:13 it shall remain for you.


I don’t think it’s doomed at all. The notice will be taken down next week and the microwave won’t be unplugged again. Win.


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## StoneRoad (Oct 27, 2022)

Just a couple of weeks ago, I had to leave a "scolding notice" in very plain view at work.

I had told a specific member of staff to clean up a particular area that he had turned into a tip.
The floor had been made very slippery with large amounts of fine bits of rust almost everywhere.
I marked a couple of the less visible accumulations to see if they were disturbed.
My first and second instructions to clean the place up were largely ignored, although some of the mess was sort of swept to one side.
So, I wrote a very visible message to him, on the door. Which really put his nose out of joint when he saw it the following day !

Guess what, the door was cleaned and the area behind swept and tidied up somewhat. Not perfect, but a lot better, but done with very bad grace and a lot of loud muttering about a bossy boss [which I carefully didn't hear].
I thanked him for the effort and suggested that he clean up the lathe and put a cover on it. Which he did.


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## kabbes (Oct 27, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> I don’t think it’s doomed at all. The notice will be taken down next week and the microwave won’t be unplugged again. Win.


Your coworkers are _definitely_ going to unplug the microwave at some point. I certainly would.


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## Puddy_Tat (Oct 27, 2022)

StoneRoad said:


> thanked him for the effort and suggested that he clean up the lathe and put a cover on it. Which he did.



are components getting in the way of production of swarf?


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## StoneRoad (Oct 27, 2022)

Puddy_Tat said:


> are components getting in the way of production of swarf?


no, the xxxxing twat was covering it in grinding dust, flakes of rust and weld splatter.
luckily, it has cleaned up well [the splatter was too cold on impact to do much other than lightly adhere]


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## tim (Oct 30, 2022)

kabbes said:


> Your coworkers are _definitely_ going to unplug the microwave at some point. I certainly would.




I'd cut the plug off.


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## teuchter (Oct 30, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> I don’t think it’s doomed at all. The notice will be taken down next week and the microwave won’t be unplugged again. Win.


They can just use the switch instead, which is less effort, and I wonder why they have been wasting everyone's time by using the unplugging approach up to this point.


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## Spymaster (Oct 30, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> Had to leave this note recently
> View attachment 349055
> What is it with compulsive unpluggers? You don’t unplug a microwave! It’s got a clock on it!



You put a piece of paper into an electrical outlet?


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## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 31, 2022)

There was a campaign by the LFB in the 70's telling folk to unplug everything before going to bed. Some people still follow that advice, in spite of electricals becoming safer and many needing to be left on, such as your router.

And yes, I am looking at you Frau Bahn's mother


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## Orang Utan (Oct 31, 2022)

Spymaster said:


> You put a piece of paper into an electrical outlet?


Yes, why?


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## Orang Utan (Oct 31, 2022)

teuchter said:


> They can just use the switch instead, which is less effort, and I wonder why they have been wasting everyone's time by using the unplugging approach up to this point.


  No, it has a clock and therefore needs to be kept plugged in and switched on


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## AverageJoe (Oct 31, 2022)

How are going to cope with the hour change!!!! 

(((((microwave))))


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## Orang Utan (Oct 31, 2022)

AverageJoe said:


> How are going to cope with the hour change!!!!
> 
> (((((microwave))))


Very easily


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## teuchter (Oct 31, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> No, it has a clock and therefore needs to be kept plugged in and switched on


I'm simply recommending that the clock saboteurs can save themselves some effort (and also comply with the text of your instruction) by switching rather than unplugging.


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## Orang Utan (Oct 31, 2022)

teuchter said:


> I'm simply recommending that the clock saboteurs can save themselves some effort (and also comply with the text of your instruction) by switching rather than unplugging.


I don’t think they’re motivated by logic, just habit. So that kind of bullshit needs to be disrupted


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## Puddy_Tat (Oct 31, 2022)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> There was a campaign by the LFB in the 70's telling folk to unplug everything before going to bed



yes, i remember that.  we got it at primary school - we had a school visit to lee green fire station as part of a fire safety project or something.



Bahnhof Strasse said:


> and many needing to be left on, such as your router.



why does the router need to be left on?  i switch the whole damn lot off at night - must save a few pence from stuff not being on standby.


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## donkyboy (Oct 31, 2022)

..


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## Pickman's model (Nov 11, 2022)

sent at 1317


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## billy_bob (Nov 11, 2022)

I would have preferred the heading 'There's a fridge in our kitchen, what are we gonna do?'


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## souljacker (Nov 11, 2022)

Puddy_Tat said:


> why does the router need to be left on?  i switch the whole damn lot off at night - must save a few pence from stuff not being on standby.


The BT/Virgin/Sky boxes do updates overnight.


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## Elpenor (Nov 14, 2022)

Someone’s been naughty, but perhaps if there was any form of recycling bin we might not use the sink


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## isvicthere? (Nov 26, 2022)




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## Part 2 (Nov 28, 2022)

Excuse the poor quality screenshot...stolen from my mate's Instagram story


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## Pickman's model (Nov 28, 2022)

Part 2 said:


> Excuse the poor quality screenshot...stolen from my mate's Instagram story
> 
> View attachment 353224


Can't be many people with that person's name. In fact very few.


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## equationgirl (Dec 28, 2022)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> There was a campaign by the LFB in the 70's telling folk to unplug everything before going to bed. Some people still follow that advice, in spite of electricals becoming safer and many needing to be left on, such as your router.
> 
> And yes, I am looking at you Frau Bahn's mother


I see you've met my parents. It's the last thing my dad does before coming up to bed...


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## two sheds (Dec 28, 2022)

Have noted before but when I briefly worked as an electrician's mate in the 60s we visited a lady who used to leave everything plugged in at night to stop the electricity from leaking out all over the floor 

Where were the government warnings about that?


----------

