# the fuck are these jobs?



## smmudge (May 25, 2012)

So I've never had to actually properly 'job search' before. My first and only full-time job I got out of luck and word of mouth. So I was thinking well how hard can it be? But actually it's very hard, but only because I haven't got a fucking clue what half these jobs adverts are going on about. Like, I just don't understand what sort of job they're for. I've been through pages and pages of them, on different sites, through different agencies, and there's about half a dozen words used to describe each one of them, in all the different possible permutations of those words.

Media executive
Executive Assistant Co-ordinator
Sales consultant executive
Assistant media sales consultant
Executive consultant
Co-ordinator of media sales
etc. etc.

I came across one. The job title was simply: team member. Oh, a team member? Like a member of a team? Well, I can be a fucking member of a team!


----------



## 8115 (May 25, 2012)

I've been a team member before.  Aka, waitress.


----------



## bi0boy (May 25, 2012)

They could all be minimum wage jobs involving flogging advertising via cold calling.


----------



## Voley (May 25, 2012)

smmudge said:


> I came across one. The job title was simply: team member. Oh, a team member? Like a member of a team? Well, I can be a fucking member of a team!


Can you smmudge? Can you really? Are you cut out for the blue-sky out-of-box thinking that being a team member requires? Are you synergistic enough to be tasked with this role? Will you bring a holistic, cradle-to-grave approach to this project? And above all, can you make the tea?


----------



## smmudge (May 25, 2012)

bi0boy said:


> They could all be minimum wage jobs involving flogging advertising via cold calling.


 
Well I do look at the lower end of the salary range, because I don't have that much experience except in a rather niche industry. But some of them do go up to ~£30k a year, and they don't all look like cold calling (though a lot do too).


----------



## smmudge (May 25, 2012)

NVP said:


> Can you smmudge? Can you really? Are you cut out for the blue-sky out-of-box thinking that being a team member requires? Are you synergistic enough to be tasked with this role? Will you bring a holistic, cradle-to-grave approach to this project? And above all, can you make the tea?


 
Innit. I had to look up B2B, basically jobs for businesses for business. Meta-business. I'm going to set up my own meta-meta-business. A business for businesses for businesses. B2B2B. B^3.


----------



## Voley (May 25, 2012)

smmudge said:


> B^3.


 There are wankers out there who think of themselves as 'creatives' that will think that is awesome. Tell them you know how to use Twitter and you'll earn fucking shitloads.


----------



## Citizen66 (May 25, 2012)

When I was desperate to find work in the north back in the recession of the mid nineties I responded to an advert for an Electrical Sales and Technical Support Operative. Or words to that effect. Turned out to be basically going round people's homes trying to sell them very expensive (although good) hoovers.


----------



## bi0boy (May 25, 2012)

Citizen66 said:


> When I was desperate to find work in the north back in the recession of the mid nineties I responded to an advert for an Electrical Sales and Technical Support Operative. Or words to that effect. Turned out to be basically going round people's homes trying to sell them very expensive (although good) hoovers.


 
Was that Kirby? I booked sales appointments for them on the pretence that the unsuspecting person had won a free carpet cleaning in a prize draw.


----------



## temper_tantrum (May 25, 2012)

You need to add 'strategic' in there too. Strategic media executive.


----------



## smmudge (May 25, 2012)

temper_tantrum said:


> You need to add 'strategic' in there too. Strategic media executive.


 
Strategic sales consultant
Strategic media executive co-ordinator
Executive sales strategist
Strategic assistant sales co-ordinator strategist executive


----------



## smmudge (May 25, 2012)

The thing is my niche was in media, like the actual media industry. But searching for 'media jobs' brings up jobs that use media, but just about everyone uses media at some point


----------



## Citizen66 (May 25, 2012)

bi0boy said:


> Was that Kirby? I booked sales appointments for them on the pretence that the unsuspecting person had won a free carpet cleaning in a prize draw.



Yeah it was kirby.  admittedly their vacuum cleaners were a very good product. But most people don't want to shell out the best part of two grand on one. And i don't think I would be suitable for sales work. i need to know what i'm going to be paid each month. 'targets' that have to be met that involves fleecing working class people out of their savings in order to put food on the table could never be my forte. I'm a sell my labour kind of person.


----------



## smmudge (May 26, 2012)

Guess what subway call the people who make the sandwiches.


----------



## Voley (May 26, 2012)

Cheese-then-beans management consultants?


----------



## smmudge (May 26, 2012)

No it's worse than that NVP. Much worse.


----------



## mincepie (May 26, 2012)

smmudge said:


> The thing is my niche was in media, like the actual media industry. But searching for 'media jobs' brings up jobs that use media, but just about everyone uses media at some point


 
Here are some media jobs. They are all sites that do tv/film tho  -I don't know about print media.

http://www.grapevinejobs.com/
http://www.productionbase.co.uk/film-tv-jobs
http://www.mandy.com/
http://shootingpeople.org/home
http://www.broadcastjobs.co.uk/?WT.mc_id=Broadcast


----------



## Voley (May 26, 2012)

Something _technician_? _Consultant_? _Enabler_?


----------



## smmudge (May 26, 2012)

NVP said:


> Something _technician_? _Consultant_? _Enabler_?


 
'artist'!


----------



## Voley (May 26, 2012)




----------



## smmudge (May 26, 2012)

mincepie said:


> Here are some media jobs. They are all sites that do tv/film tho -I don't know about print media.
> 
> http://www.grapevinejobs.com/
> http://www.productionbase.co.uk/film-tv-jobs
> ...


 
cool thanks. 'mandy' lol. There should be a site for TV jobs called 'charlie'.


----------



## stuff_it (May 26, 2012)

smmudge said:


> So I've never had to actually properly 'job search' before. My first and only full-time job I got out of luck and word of mouth. So I was thinking well how hard can it be? But actually it's very hard, but only because I haven't got a fucking clue what half these jobs adverts are going on about. Like, I just don't understand what sort of job they're for. I've been through pages and pages of them, on different sites, through different agencies, and there's about half a dozen words used to describe each one of them, in all the different possible permutations of those words.
> 
> Media executive
> Executive Assistant Co-ordinator
> ...


Most of those are sales, apart from Executive Assistant Co-ordinator which is probably a line manager for secretaries of middle management in a large organisation. Executive consultant is probably recruitment, and yeah Team Member probably means waitress, or Maccy D's.


----------



## Voley (May 26, 2012)

Well, a decent sarnie is a work of art, I reckon. Art isn't a word I'd normally apply to a meatball sub, mind.


----------



## smmudge (May 26, 2012)

NVP said:


> Well, a decent sarnie is a work of art, I reckon. Art isn't a word I'd normally apply to a meatball sub, mind.


 

It's funny because I bet the 'sandwich artists' who work in subway are actually given very strict guidelines and no freedom of expression about how to fill a sandwich.


----------



## smmudge (May 26, 2012)

stuff_it said:


> Most of those are sales, apart from Executive Assistant Co-ordinator which is probably a line manager for secretaries of middle management in a large organisation. Executive consultant is probably recruitment, and yeah Team Member probably means waitress, or Maccy D's.


 
I'm going to be honest with you: I just made them all up.


----------



## Voley (May 26, 2012)

Cleaners that do bogs should be called 'piss artists' from now on.


----------



## stuff_it (May 26, 2012)

smmudge said:


> I'm going to be honest with you: I just made them all up.


I've been jobsearching, and trust me there is no new thing under the sun. Have you thought about becoming a diversity co-ordinator?


----------



## smmudge (May 26, 2012)

stuff_it said:


> Have you thought about becoming a diversity co-ordinator?


 
 Yes actually, it's my life's ambition to be an oxymoron!


----------



## SpookyFrank (May 26, 2012)

If you can't tell me what your job is in one word, maybe two in special cases like 'Field Marshal', you don't have a real job.


----------



## SpookyFrank (May 26, 2012)

smmudge said:


> It's funny because I bet the 'sandwich artists' who work in subway are actually given very strict guidelines and no freedom of expression about how to fill a sandwich.


 
Even the pattern they make with the sauce seems to be the same in every branch.


----------



## sim667 (May 27, 2012)

Teenage pregnancy implementation manager.


----------



## 8115 (May 27, 2012)

sim667 said:


> Teenage pregnancy implementation manager.


 
Paedo, natch 

I'll get my coat.


----------



## grit (May 27, 2012)

smmudge said:


> Media executive - "Selling advertising space"
> Executive Assistant Co-ordinator "General dogs body to mid level management"
> Sales consultant executive - "Salesman/woman"
> Assistant media sales consultant - "Selling advertising space"


 
HTH


----------



## mrs quoad (May 27, 2012)

smmudge said:


> It's funny because I bet the 'sandwich artists' who work in subway are actually given very strict guidelines and no freedom of expression about how to fill a sandwich.


I wonder how much freedom of expression Tracy Emin / Damien Hirst's workshop crew have


----------



## smmudge (May 27, 2012)

sim667 said:


> Teenage pregnancy implementation manager.


 
err where did you read that??


----------



## sim667 (May 28, 2012)

http://www.eirjobs.com/news/teenage-pregnancy-implementation-manager/

I remember seeing it when I was job hunting.....


----------



## fractionMan (May 28, 2012)




----------



## smmudge (May 28, 2012)

hahaha jesus


----------



## sim667 (May 28, 2012)

You couldnt make it up!


----------



## gabi (May 28, 2012)

> Media executive


 
this is my colleague's title. in fact she's *senior* media executive. what does she actually do? formatting stuff in powerpoint.

im supposed to have a *senior* in front of my job title. which i dont use as its fucking stupid. senior to who exactly? im the only person doing my role.


----------



## EastEnder (May 28, 2012)

The more over the top the job title, the further from the top the job actually is.

Manager == manages stuff.
Office Manager == looks after the stationary cupboard.

Consultant == paid loads to tell others what to do.
Customer Relations Consultant == paid minimum wage in a call centre.


----------



## likesfish (Jun 3, 2012)

i always like the drugs,alcohol and violence coordinator.
 Have the first two and the third won't be far behind


----------



## smmudge (Jun 26, 2012)

FFS "competency based interview" what is this shit? It's a basic admin role for goodness' sake, if it's that difficult the salary isn't high enough.


----------



## extra dry (Jun 27, 2012)

could be typing test, your speed on a keyboard.  I over estimated on an agency application form with a 40 words a minute turned out in the competency test I got under 20...they did not employ me.


----------



## smmudge (Jun 27, 2012)

extra dry said:


> could be typing test, your speed on a keyboard. I over estimated on an agency application form with a 40 words a minute turned out in the competency test I got under 20...they did not employ me.


 
Nah, they didn't do that. I still don't know what it means really because they just asked me some bog standard interview questions!


----------



## UrbaneFox (Jun 28, 2012)

Once they advertised for "Rodent Operatives" it was downhill all the way.

I am rather fond of Nail Technicians, however, which is what they call manicurists, these days.


----------



## Raminta (Jun 28, 2012)

Oh yes wait when you have to present your CV, and attachment letter, write your personality why do you want to work for our company blah, blah.  Buy new suit just to impress bourgeois make sure you don't fart. Upper class wants to know everything about you.  Blah Blah I hate them.


----------

