# This is going to be the Worst Film Ever Made.



## mrsfran (Aug 22, 2012)




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## Ax^ (Aug 22, 2012)

for it to be the worst movie ever


Ben Stiller would have to be involved


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## DotCommunist (Aug 22, 2012)

Thats going to be amazing


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## mrsfran (Aug 22, 2012)

Danny Dyer's the lead. The LEAD, FOR CHRISTSAKES.


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## FridgeMagnet (Aug 22, 2012)

It could have James Corden in it.


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## revol68 (Aug 22, 2012)

Danny Dyer is a legend!


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## 8115 (Aug 22, 2012)

FridgeMagnet said:


> It could have James Corden in it.


 
No, because James Corden has screen presence and can deliver a line properly, and has comic timing.  Judging from that poster, those were definitely not attributes required for this film.


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## Ax^ (Aug 22, 2012)

8115 said:


> No, because James Corden has screen presence and can deliver a line properly, and has comic timing.  Judging from that poster, those were definitely not attributes required for this film.


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## revol68 (Aug 22, 2012)

8115 said:


> No, because James Corden has screen presence and can deliver a line properly, and has comic timing. Judging from that poster, those were definitely not attributes required for this film.


 
Danny Dyer has funnier delivery than Corden, haven't you seen the bit in The Football Factory where he slaps the girl he's pulled arse and proclaims "I can't wait to see your fucking fanny".


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## 8115 (Aug 22, 2012)

revol68 said:


> Danny Dyer has funnier delivery than Corden, haven't you seen the bit in The Football Factory where he slaps the girl he's pulled arse and proclaims "I can't wait to see your fucking fanny".


 
Oddly, I haven't made it a priority to see The Football Factory 

But that does sound fairly fucking hilarious.


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## TitanSound (Aug 22, 2012)

Danny Dire and Neil "Men Behaving badly was the best thing I've done and now I'm fucked" Morrissey! Cannot wait! Will be first in line to see it! YES!


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## 89 Til Infinity (Aug 22, 2012)

I like Danny Dyer. He's more diverse than people give him credit for. Granted he plays the cockney lad quite a bit.

He's hilarious in Borstal boy portraying a gay sailor


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## 89 Til Infinity (Aug 22, 2012)

TitanSound said:


> Danny Dire and Neil "Men Behaving badly was the best thing I've done and now I'm fucked" Morrissey! Cannot wait! Will be first in line to see it! YES!


 
Oi! I think you're forgetting Bob the Builder 

Also on a seperate note does anyone know where i can watch a movie from the 90s with Neil Morrisey called "The Vanishing Man"?


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## mattie (Aug 22, 2012)

Why are the 'F' and 'U' in the film name in orange?

Is it a poor joke I don't get?


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## stuff_it (Aug 22, 2012)

mattie said:


> Why are the 'F' and 'U' in the film name in orange?
> 
> Is it a poor joke I don't get?


It's a poor joke, but I suspect you get it.


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## mattie (Aug 22, 2012)

stuff_it said:


> It's a poor joke, but I suspect you get it.


 
It seems a bit out of place for what looks like some romcom from hell.


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## stuff_it (Aug 22, 2012)

mattie said:


> It seems a bit out of place for what looks like some romcom from hell.


I suspect it's intentional and not out of place in the slightest. It's probably a result of a bet, possibly one made down the pub - this could well apply to the entire film.


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## Ax^ (Aug 22, 2012)

is he going to be slashing his wives faces

when they find out he is a bigamist


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## Boppity (Aug 22, 2012)

Clearly you've never seen Boxing Helena.


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## mrsfran (Aug 22, 2012)

Wait! WAIT! I've COMPLETELY CHANGED MY MIND.

Lionel Fucking Blair's in it! And Christopher Biggins, Judi Dench, Cliff Richard, Richard Briars and Barry Cryer. What the FUCK?


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## Santino (Aug 22, 2012)

This merely confirms those stories you read about the whole British film industry being some sort of tax dodge.


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## mattie (Aug 22, 2012)

stuff_it said:


> I suspect it's intentional and not out of place in the slightest. It's probably a result of a bet, possibly one made down the pub - this could well apply to the entire film.


 
It does all seem like one big wind-up.


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## DotCommunist (Aug 22, 2012)

Judi Dench and Richard Briars?

surreal


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## N_igma (Aug 22, 2012)

Take it you've never seen The Room then?


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## ATOMIC SUPLEX (Aug 22, 2012)

That is one hell of a cast.


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## ATOMIC SUPLEX (Aug 22, 2012)

TitanSound said:


> Danny Dire and Neil "Men Behaving badly was the best thing I've done and now I'm fucked" Morrissey! Cannot wait! Will be first in line to see it! YES!


 
The first series of Boon wipes the floor with MBHB.


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## Pickman's model (Aug 22, 2012)

mrsfran said:


>


in what ways do you think this is going to be the worst film ever?


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## Pickman's model (Aug 22, 2012)

mattie said:


> Why are the 'F' and 'U' in the film name in orange?
> 
> Is it a poor joke I don't get?


FU


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## ATOMIC SUPLEX (Aug 22, 2012)

The first three names at the top do it for me. The fourth confirms my suspicions.


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## 8115 (Aug 22, 2012)

Pickman's model said:


> in what ways do you think this is going to be the worst film ever?


 
1. It's got Danny Dyer in.
2. It's called "Run for your wife"


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## Pickman's model (Aug 22, 2012)

8115 said:


> 1. It's got Danny Dyer in.
> 2. It's called "Run for your wife"


second point first, yes - it's clearly a film version of the famous farce.
first point second, so dyer's participation means the technical side of the film, the cinematography etc as opposed to the plot and acting, will be crap?


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## TitanSound (Aug 22, 2012)

> John Smith has been happily involved in bigamist marriages for five years. He lives with Michelle in Kennington and Stephanie in Finsbury. Fortunately, for John, he's a Taxi Driver which involves varying Shift work! Simple? Well, when the Kennington and Finsbury police forces discover something suspicious in their paperwork, Johns happy bubble is about to be burst.
> 
> The action of the movie takes place during the next hectic 24 hours as John with the assistance of his gullible neighbour, Danny, rush between Kennington and Finsbury attempting to thwart the police and prevent the two loving wives coming face to face!


 
Great.


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## 8115 (Aug 22, 2012)

Pickman's model said:


> second point first, yes - it's clearly a film version of the famous farce.
> first point second, so dyer's participation means the technical side of the film, the cinematography etc as opposed to the plot and acting, will be crap?


 
I bet you a pound it'll be crap.


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## colacubes (Aug 22, 2012)

Wow.  Just wow.


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## mrsfran (Aug 22, 2012)

Ok, I've figured it out. All those people, they've all got the same agent. He's getting on a bit, it's time to retire. He decides that fuck it, the film industry's been good to him, he's going to take a gamble and invest his savings in a British film. He wants to do something to revive an ailing industry. He just *knows* that if he can get his entire client list in one film it'll be a smash. And for the lead? Lovely little Danny Dyer. Lovely Danny and his lovely coke. Coke coke coke.

He strong-arms all his clients into accepting roles. "But it's Danny Dyer..." they say. "DARLING," he replies "dear, sweet Danny's time has come. This film's going to completely change the public's perception of him. The script's a proven hit. He's been working closely with Sir Ian McKellen. It's going to be MARVELLOUS".

His clients, they think, well, the old geezer's served me well. I've done alright. I'll do a cameo. He's getting on a bit after all. Can't hurt.

February 2013 comes, the film is released. It is, as predicted, THE WORST FILM EVER MADE. Critics pan it. Audiences walk out of the cinema shaking their heads sadly and weeping at the time lost, never to be regained. It doesn't just lose money, it ruins the entire British film industry. The agent, inconsolable, begs his clients to take him back because he needs to work, he has to work or he'll be penniless. They refuse. They can never forgive him for making them be in this terrible, terrible film.

The agent, alone in his Holland Park flat, drinks himself to death.


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## mrsfran (Aug 22, 2012)

Sorry, went a bit dark there at the end.


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## TitanSound (Aug 22, 2012)

mrsfran said:


> Ok, I've figured it out. All those people, they've all got the same agent. He's getting on a bit, it's time to retire. He decides that fuck it, the film industry's been good to him, he's going to take a gamble and invest his savings in a British film. He wants to do something to revive an ailing industry. He just *knows* that if he can get his entire client list in one film it'll be a smash. And for the lead? Lovely little Danny Dyer. Lovely Danny and his lovely coke. Coke coke coke.
> 
> He strong-arms all his clients into accepting roles. "But it's Danny Dyer..." they say. "DARLING," he replies "dear, sweet Danny's time has come. This film's going to completely change the public's perception of him. The script's amazing. He's been working closely with Sir Ian McKellen. It's going to be MARVELLOUS".
> 
> ...


 
Have you ever thought of becoming a script writer?


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## The Octagon (Aug 22, 2012)

FridgeMagnet said:


> It could have James Corden in it.


 
Tony Award winning James Corden?


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## krink (Aug 22, 2012)

> BASED ON THE $300 MILLION GROSSING STAGE HIT. For several years JOHN SMITH (Danny Dyer) has been blissfully married — to two wives. Luckily for John, his working shifts as a taxi driver allows him to keep MICHELLE (Denise Van Outen) happy in South London and
> STEPHANIE (Sarah Harding) happy in North London.
> 
> However, this delightfully satisfying arrangement is suddenly plunged into disarray one night when John comes to the rescue of an old BAG LADY (Judi Dench) being robbed by two young villains and the subsequent police and press interest threaten to expose John's blissful domestic arrangements.
> ...


 

sounds _delightful_


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## krink (Aug 22, 2012)

did anyone mention Rolf Harris is in it too?


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## QueenOfGoths (Aug 22, 2012)

Pickman's model said:


> second point first, yes - it's clearly a film version of the famous farce.
> first point second, so dyer's participation means the technical side of the film, the cinematography etc as opposed to the plot and acting, will be crap?


 
Yup - it is based on the Ray Cooney farce and made by an independent company which I imagine Ray Cooney, as writer and director of the film, is involved with. In fact it is possibly his vanity project .

http://www.runforyourwife.co.uk/Run_For_Your_Wife/News.html

Good luck to them but I've got no desire to see it as I don't really like farce


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## 8115 (Aug 22, 2012)

Ah, bigamy, that well known comic happening.


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## mrsfran (Aug 22, 2012)

Pickman's model said:


> in what ways do you think this is going to be the worst film ever?


 
Because it's a _farce_ starring _Danny Dyer_ supported by Denise Van Outen and Neil Morrisey, made by the British film industry. It's going to be _terrible_.


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## Pickman's model (Aug 22, 2012)

mrsfran said:


> Because it's a _farce_ starring _Danny Dyer_ supported by Denise Van Outen and Neil Morrisey, made by the British film industry. It's going to be _terrible_.


by 'terrible' i take it you really mean 'not to my taste'.


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## krink (Aug 22, 2012)

oh my, it's actually being released as a valentine movie



> _Run For Your Wife_ - In Cinemas 14th February 2013.


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## renegadechicken (Aug 22, 2012)

If I took the wife to see this I can foresee all sorts of questions beginning with "wtf are you trying to tell me" followed closely by " it's got Danny dire as the fucking lead you numpty.....you' ll be hearing from my solicitor"


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## imposs1904 (Aug 22, 2012)

I want his shirt.


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## Espresso (Aug 22, 2012)

TitanSound said:


> Danny Dire and Neil "Men Behaving badly was the best thing I've done and now I'm fucked" Morrissey! Cannot wait! Will be first in line to see it! YES!


 
Mr Dyer is muck, certainly.
But Mr Morrissey was pretty impressive in that "Line of Duty" with Lennie James not so long ago. Quite surprised me, to be fair.


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## SpookyFrank (Aug 22, 2012)

Danny Dire


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## Favelado (Aug 22, 2012)

Still, if it takes a few million quid to get a decent rant out of Kermode I'm okay with it.


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## DrRingDing (Aug 22, 2012)

When's this out on DVD?

I simply need to see this.


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## Firky (Aug 22, 2012)

Danny Dyer is great you slag.

He was the host of some porn awards last month and he was hilarious.


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## Favelado (Aug 22, 2012)

I like the way he totally shit himself in that series where he went to different cities and went to not very dangerous places and did quite safe things.

"I don't like the look this. I'm getting out of 'ere" every time the slightest hint of trouble came within a one-mile radius of him.


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## Firky (Aug 22, 2012)

How can not like the man?

"Can I stick my head in it?"


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## Voley (Aug 22, 2012)

His interview technique on 'Worlds Biggest Fackin Nutters' or whatever it was called was good. It consisted of going 'Orlight my old son? Propah nawty. I'm from Canning Town. FAAAAAAAAAAAACKIN ELL.' He could teach Parky a thing or two.


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## Boppity (Aug 22, 2012)

NVP said:


> His interview technique on 'Worlds Biggest Fackin Nutters' or whatever it was called was good. It consisted of going 'Orlight my old son? Propah nawty. I'm from Canning Town. FAAAAAAAAAAAACKIN ELL.' He could teach Parky a thing or two.


 
You liked my post! Have you seen Boxing Helena too? Everyone I've ever mentioned it to have never heard of it. Lucky them.


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## Favelado (Aug 22, 2012)

Boppity said:


> You liked my post! Have you seen Boxing Helena too? Everyone I've ever mentioned it to have never heard of it. Lucky them.


 
I've heard that it's very bad and is about a woman with no limbs who is in a box.

Have I remembered that right?


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## Voley (Aug 22, 2012)

Boppity said:


> You liked my post! Have you seen Boxing Helena too? Everyone I've ever mentioned it to have never heard of it. Lucky them.


Yeah it's the film that bankrupted Kim Basinger when she pulled out of it due to its hideousness. Fortunately Sherilynn Fenn had no such qualms. It's awesomely bad.


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## Voley (Aug 22, 2012)

Favelado said:


> I've heard that it's very bad and is about a woman with no limbs who is in a box.
> 
> Have I remembered that right?


Yep. That's pretty much it.


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## Boppity (Aug 22, 2012)

Favelado said:


> I've heard that it's very bad and is about a woman with no limbs who is in a box.
> 
> Have I remembered that right?


 
See you've captured the terribleness and yet, some how missed all of the terribleness. 

And although it was years ago that I watched it, I think the box was metaphorical.


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## ATOMIC SUPLEX (Aug 22, 2012)

Boppity said:


> You liked my post! Have you seen Boxing Helena too? Everyone I've ever mentioned it to have never heard of it. Lucky them.


 
It was probably only known by a rough age group. Twin Peeks was over, maybe his daughter could make a cool film with cool people?
All eyes on boxing helena.
Then everyone forgot it , because it was shit.

I think Daddy has made some decent films but I might put his inland empire up for the worst film title. It's longer than Boxing Helena.


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## Favelado (Aug 22, 2012)

Boppity said:


> See you've captured the terribleness and yet, some how missed all of the terribleness.
> 
> And although it was years ago that I watched it, I think the box was metaphorical.


 
Right.

Which is worse - Boxing Helena or Battlefield Earth? I will watch one of them and write a review on it.

Urbanites. You choose.


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## Boppity (Aug 22, 2012)

Favelado said:


> Right.
> 
> Which is worse - Boxing Helena or Battlefield Earth? I will watch one of them and write a review on it.
> 
> Urbanites. You choose.


 
BOXING HELENA.


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## Favelado (Aug 22, 2012)

Boppity said:


> BOXING HELENA.


 
Fine. I'll do anything to win your approval Boppity, so Boxing Helena it is.


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## discokermit (Aug 22, 2012)

sliding doors is the worst film ever made.

danny dyer is ace.


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## Voley (Aug 22, 2012)

I've been meaning to see Battlefield Earth for ages.


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## discokermit (Aug 22, 2012)

NVP said:


> I've been meaning to see Battlefield Earth for ages.


it's brilliantly shit.


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## Voley (Aug 22, 2012)

Yeah I might have to give it a go.


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## Favelado (Aug 22, 2012)

I now need a link to download Boxing Helena. I never download films anymore and need some basic advice. If anyone has got absolutely nothing better to do - you could PM me to tell me where the kids rob all their moviefilms from these days.

Your reward will be to know you've helped a great guy have a miserable evening watching a shit film.


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## Jon-of-arc (Aug 22, 2012)

Ill bet $5  that this film is 38% less awful than Freddy Got Fingered.


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## Jon-of-arc (Aug 22, 2012)

Battlefield Earth, when watched on some high grade skunk, is pretty amazing.

Straight, its unwatchable.


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## Firky (Aug 22, 2012)

Jon-of-arc said:


> Battlefield Earth, when watched on some high grade skunk, is pretty amazing.
> 
> Straight, its unwatchable.



I watched the avengers last night in such circumstances. It was shit.


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## Frances Lengel (Aug 22, 2012)

Danny Dyer's alright, all that wideboy bullshit's just his shtick. Neil Morrisey's a wanker though.


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## High Voltage (Aug 22, 2012)

But doesn't every one on London (and by extension Brixton) speak like Danny Dyer.

I mean your all faackin' Cockerkneez aincha Cor blimey Chaz 'n' Dave innit!!! Gercha


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## Jeff Robinson (Aug 22, 2012)

discokermit said:


> danny dyer is ace.


 
Yeah, I loved it when he told a zoo magazine reader to permanently disfigure his girlfriend's face. Ace.


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## Casually Red (Aug 22, 2012)

Russ Abbot for fucks sake


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## ATOMIC SUPLEX (Aug 22, 2012)

NVP said:


> I've been meaning to see Battlefield Earth for ages.


Me too actually.
Has anyone got a copy? I can't buy it and it will never be on the telly.


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## Reno (Aug 22, 2012)

ATOMIC SUPLEX said:


> Me too actually.
> Has anyone got a copy? I can't buy it and it will never be on the telly.


 
Battlefield Earth has been on the telly loads. Why wouldn't it be ? That's where I've seen it in bits and pieces a over several occasions. It's worth checking out in a WTF were they thinking sort of way.


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## discokermit (Aug 22, 2012)

Jeff Robinson said:


> Yeah, I loved it when he told a zoo magazine reader to permanently disfigure his girlfriend's face. Ace.


no way! he once made a joke in poor taste? i will throw my dvd's in the bin.

i also love 'the temptations', despite lead singer david ruffin hitting his girlfriend in the head with a hammer.


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## DJ Squelch (Aug 22, 2012)

I've not seen it nor do I ever intend to see it but this sounds like the worst film I've heard of in some time -
Kill Keith
cast includes Keith Chegwin, Vanessa Feltz, Joe Pasquale & Russell Grant. Yes it's a horror film starring Keith Chegwin.


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## Reno (Aug 22, 2012)

Favelado said:


> Right.
> 
> Which is worse - Boxing Helena or Battlefield Earth? I will watch one of them and write a review on it.
> 
> Urbanites. You choose.


 
I'd go for Battleship Earth

Battleship Earth is so batshit crazy that it's worth a look. It's a big Hollywood film where everybody must have been on crack when they green lit that and it's WTF from beginning to end. Almost every decision from the crackpot plot to the art direction and hairstyles is totally deranged and all the shit swirls around Travolta who gets to make a total tit of himself.

Boxing Helena was attempt to make a surrealist film in the vein of Bunuel, but unfortunately Jennifer Lynch has no discernible talents as a director. She does however have a famous dad who happens to be the other really famous surrealist film maker, who gave her a helping hand. There are loads of low budget art house film that fall short of their aspirations and Boxing Helena only got famous because it was embroiled in a famous law suit when first Madonna and then Kim Basinger pulled out of the lead when they smelled a rat (Basinger lost the case and a lot of money). It's nowhere near as outrageous as its premise promises and looks like a slightly dull and rather unsexy soft core film.


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## Wolveryeti (Aug 22, 2012)

This is basically going to be 'One man, Two Guv'nors' except with wives instead of guvnors isn't it?


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## agricola (Aug 22, 2012)

Favelado said:


> Right.
> 
> Which is worse - Boxing Helena or Battlefield Earth? I will watch one of them and write a review on it.
> 
> Urbanites. You choose.


 
Battlefield Earth is much worse than any film that has ever been made.


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## Idris2002 (Aug 22, 2012)

firky said:


> How can not like the man?
> 
> "Can I stick my head in it?"




You're basically revol68 without the politics, aren't you?


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## Reno (Aug 22, 2012)

agricola said:


> Battlefield Earth is much worse than any film that has ever been made.


 
I wouldn't go that far. Have you seen _Auschwitz_ by Uwe Boll ?


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## Sue (Aug 22, 2012)

QueenOfGoths said:


> Yup - it is based on the Ray Cooney farce and made by an independent company which I imagine Ray Cooney, as writer and director of the film, is involved with. [/quote]
> 
> Hang on, surely only Nick Love is stupid enough to have Danny Dyer star in his films?


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## Gingerman (Aug 22, 2012)

Looks like its got competition in the 'Worst Film Ever Made' stakes


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## 8115 (Aug 22, 2012)

Gingerman said:


> Looks like its got competition in the 'Worst Film Ever Made' stakes


 
Keith Lemon is amazing.  Everything he touches turns to hilarity.  How dare you?


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## Stigmata (Aug 22, 2012)

They spelled Cliff Richard's name wrong on the first poster


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## kittyP (Aug 23, 2012)

8115 said:
			
		

> No, because James Corden has screen presence and can deliver a line properly, and has comic timing.  Judging from that poster, those were definitely not attributes required for this film.



I hate James Cordon more than Danny Dyre. 

DD is shit but funny ish shit. 
JC is a fucking arsehole


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## kittyP (Aug 23, 2012)

mrsfran said:
			
		

> Sorry, went a bit dark there at the end.


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## Superdupastupor (Aug 23, 2012)

Off topic lonely post//

On part of a route that I've been jogging there is a bus shelter advert for a film- it shows Shia la Beouf holding a tommy gun-it puts me off my stride and depressess me for 5 minutes or so


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## Fez909 (Aug 23, 2012)

Anyone seen Dead Man Running? Stars Danny Dyer and 50 Cent, and was produced by Ashley Cole and Rio Ferdinand.

Sounds like it could be a contender...


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## Reno (Aug 23, 2012)

Superdupastupor said:


> Off topic lonely post//
> 
> On part of a route that I've been jogging there is a bus shelter advert for a film- it shows Shia la Beouf holding a tommy gun-it puts me off my stride and depressess me for 5 minutes or so


 
Fine be me when it's Lawless, the new film by John Hillcoat and Nick Cave.


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## mattie (Aug 23, 2012)

Fez909 said:


> Anyone seen Dead Man Running? Stars Danny Dyer and 50 Cent, and was produced by Ashley Cole and Rio Ferdinand.
> 
> Sounds like it could be a contender...


 
I just checked that on IMDB.

It said:  'The plot synopsis is empty'.


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## T & P (Aug 23, 2012)

I'm surprised that unpleasant, talentless cunt is still getting work tbh.


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## Captain Hurrah (Aug 23, 2012)

firky said:


> How can not like the man?
> 
> "Can I stick my head in it?"




LOL.

I remember that music vid with him that you posted on Facebook.


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## Clair De Lune (Aug 23, 2012)

Gingerman said:


> Looks like its got competition in the 'Worst Film Ever Made' stakes


 
saw a trailer for this the other night. Looks fucking apalling in the most hateful ways.

the one in the op looks fucking tragic  I love your rants  fran


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## Favelado (Aug 23, 2012)

Dyer's accent sounds like he made it up based on London sit-coms from the 60s and 70s he watched on telly. His East End patter is unrealistic. I never met anyone who talked like that in London.


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## Boppity (Aug 23, 2012)

Favelado said:


> I now need a link to download Boxing Helena. I never download films anymore and need some basic advice. If anyone has got absolutely nothing better to do - you could PM me to tell me where the kids rob all their moviefilms from these days.
> 
> Your reward will be to know you've helped a great guy have a miserable evening watching a shit film.


 
Might be easier to stream it? Did you find it?


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## Mumbles274 (Aug 23, 2012)

mrsfran said:


> Ok, I've figured it out. All those people, they've all got the same agent. He's getting on a bit, it's time to retire. He decides that fuck it, the film industry's been good to him, he's going to take a gamble and invest his savings in a British film. He wants to do something to revive an ailing industry. He just *knows* that if he can get his entire client list in one film it'll be a smash. And for the lead? Lovely little Danny Dyer. Lovely Danny and his lovely coke. Coke coke coke.
> 
> He strong-arms all his clients into accepting roles. "But it's Danny Dyer..." they say. "DARLING," he replies "dear, sweet Danny's time has come. This film's going to completely change the public's perception of him. The script's a proven hit. He's been working closely with Sir Ian McKellen. It's going to be MARVELLOUS".
> 
> ...


this is a film I want to see


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## Favelado (Aug 23, 2012)

Boppity said:


> Might be easier to stream it? Did you find it?


 
I didn't find it. I will though. I will write a full review after watching it.

I think I found the soundtrack though.


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## Boppity (Aug 23, 2012)

I am _dying_ for your review.


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## Favelado (Aug 23, 2012)

Boppity said:


> I am _dying_ for your review.


 
It's going to have to be good now. The pressure of trying to impress the girl you've got a crush on could be overwhelming though.


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## Firky (Aug 23, 2012)

Idris2002 said:


> You're basically revol68 without the politics, aren't you?


 
You say that like it is a bad thing.


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## Idris2002 (Aug 23, 2012)

firky said:


> You say that like it is a bad thing.


 
I am not saying it's a good thing or a bad thing.

I am merely noting the phenomenon.


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## not-bono-ever (Aug 23, 2012)

It looks terrible, then again so did the sex lives of the Potato men . never judge a film by its poster I say


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## youngian (Aug 23, 2012)

Here's a clip with Denise singing the catchy theme tune-



Is that George Roper?


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## Favelado (Aug 24, 2012)

Boppity said:


> I am _dying_ for your review.


 

It's easy to say "That's the worst thing I've ever seen" after you've watched a film isn't it? Maybe we've all come out with that at some point when it wasn't really true. Exaggeration is such a feature of modern language that true extremes are sometimes lost in a sea of hyperbole.
That's a shame really, because last night I watched "Boxing Helena". There isn't really negative vocabulary emphatic enough to describe the experience and I need you to believe me when I say it WAS THE WORST FILM I'VE EVER SEEN.

It is a turkey of such epic proportions that Bernard Matthews wouldn't have had enough farmland to accommodate it. The biggest flop since Dick Fosbury thought "I think I've got this high-jumping lark figured out". A piece of artwork so primitive and stupid that you'll be screaming for Cecilia Jiminez to come from Borja and paint over it, with acting performances so wooden that you'll be expecting Sting to turn up and campaign for their protection at any moment.

The build-up.

Dr. Nick is a surgeon who likes masturbating in trees and walking around looking a bit nervous. He is an odd cross between Dawson from Dawson's Creek, a dog who's just been caught eating out of the bin, Montgomery Burns and some bad drizzle on a trip to Morecambe Bay. He is obsessed with Helena. She's a bit nasty but does have great tits and puts out regularly. Sadly though, Nick once tried to shag Helena and finished all over his Y-fronts before he'd even got his sad little johnson anywhere near her _vagine_. Helena has a new boyfriend now, a real man. He looks like a shiny phallus wrapped in some very tight leather, but he is probably less smart. At one point he leaves a room in a bad mood and says "¡Hasta whatever!". At this very moment, Terminator 2 becomes King Lear and part of cinema dies forever.

To try and win back Helena's affections, Dawson holds a party at his massive house. It is not particularly raucous and he serves nibbles and there is violin music. The rest of the guests tell him how "awesome" it is, mistakenly under the impression that they are at the Haçienda sometime around 1988, but Helena is not impressed. She is so not impressed that she decides to re-enact the Fontana di Trevi scene from La Dolce Vita in a 20 quid water-feature before taking a random total prick home and blowing him until he is drier than August in Seville.

Devastated, Dawson decides he needs a more drastic plan. It would be cruel to explain it in detail to you really, as none of you can have done anything bad enough to deserve something that boring. Let's just say it involves a fairly sharp set of kitchen knives, a lot of pain and some improvised furniture. That almost sounds like a trip to Ikea, which incidentally is my second least favourite activity after watching this film.

The rest of the film then proceeds to dive to Marina Trench levels of stupidity. Dawson has removed all of Helena's limbs and keeps her in a box. Despite this he tries to win her affections (wheeling out the classic abuser's "I only did it because I love you!") and thinks that if he looks like a sad horse for long enough she will forgive him. Helena says she hates him and taunts him about his jizzing problems. There are dream sequences, metaphors of caged birds so obvious they might have well flashed subtitles on the screen saying "GEDDIT?", and an ending in which our hero is caught out not by the police, not hoist by his own petard, or by Helena. Oh no, he is caught out by pomegranates. Dr. Nick's best friend is Art Garfunkel. I'm not making that up. For no reason, Art is bumbling around giving him advice on affairs of the heart. The film is directed by the daughter of David Lynch, but it makes Twin Peaks look Crossroads in terms of ordinariness.In fact, it's so mental and so ridiculous that I can only begin to hint at it here. There is a potential 10,000 word post for someone else to write on this if they ever feel like it.

Jason Sands puts in the worst performance I've ever seen from in a lead role. If you ever need someone who knows how to walk with a slightly furtive look on their face in a film, he's definitely your man. If you need anything else at all, he's not. During one bar scene with Art-fucking-Garfunkel he fails to sip a drink convincingly. Most of his lines are delivered in the way the set-up to an old porn film are. You know, the unconvincing boring bit before the shagging starts. Some of the other actors do their TV movie best, but you can tell that they're in pain. The looks on their faces let you know (a) "I've got to pay the mortgage, I'm sorry" or (b) "I signed a contract to complete this film and I know it's going to kill my career". A good script leaps off the page when read. If this one could jump it would commit suicide. The sex-scene where Helena has a mindgasm as she watches Dawson clinically banging someone from her box, the woeful attempt at artiness, the way it's shot like an Australian soap opera. It's all AWFUL.


Best Lines

"I'll have 2 large pomegranates. Okay 3 medium-sized ones then."

"My mum died last week but I'm fine about it"

"¡Hasta whatever!"



Boppity. I have been in contact with my lawyers today. They will be contacting you for damages for the suffering caused to me as a result of watching "Boxing Helena". We're going for 50,000 pounds or 7 naked photos of you via PM - whichever you prefer.


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## krtek a houby (Aug 24, 2012)

I thought Neil Morrissey was quite good in "In the Line of Duty" recently


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## Boppity (Aug 24, 2012)

Perfect review. My lawyers will be in touch.


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## fogbat (Aug 25, 2012)

It can't be the worst film ever made. It doesn't have Nicolas Cage in it.


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## Firky (Aug 25, 2012)

Captain Hurrah said:


> LOL.
> 
> I remember that music vid with him that you posted on Facebook.


 
It's one of the best music videos I have ever seen.


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## GarfieldLeChat (Aug 25, 2012)

8115 said:


> No, because James Corden has screen presence and can deliver a line properly, and has comic timing.  Judging from that poster, those were definitely not attributes required for this film.


Can you point to something he's been in where this is actually true. 

And no Gavin and Stacey doesn't count.  It's shit. All of it. Without remorse.

Fucking pap. Shit. Humourless trash relentlessly awful without any redeeming features. Not one.

It has rob Brydon in it who's the welsh Danny Dyer.

In your heart you know this to be true.


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## Captain Hurrah (Aug 25, 2012)

firky said:


> It's one of the best music videos I have ever seen.




No no.  The 'our name' one.


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## Firky (Aug 25, 2012)

Captain Hurrah said:


> No no. The 'our name' one.


 
Oh! I know what you mean now, can't find it though. I can't keep a straight face whenever I see him, he's such a tool


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## 8115 (Aug 25, 2012)

GarfieldLeChat said:


> Can you point to something he's been in where this is actually true.
> 
> And no Gavin and Stacey doesn't count. It's shit. All of it. Without remorse.
> 
> ...


 
None of this is true.  It's all reverse true.  Gavin and Stacey is funny and it's got Alison Steadman in, who is amazing.  Also that couple who are hilarious, the ones who are always arguing.

James Corden has also been in Dr Who where he was good.

I'm not saying he's brilliant or anything, but he does have the basic attributes required of a comic actor.


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## Frances Lengel (Aug 25, 2012)

I've gotta say I don't see why Corden's so hated. He seems inoffensive enough to me. Remember that award ceremony during which there was some kind of spat between Corden and Patrick Stewart? Stewart came across as a proper wanker in that. Like being Jean Luc Picard's anything to be proud of, po faced twat - At least William Shatner played it for laughs (intentionally or not).


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## Fez909 (Aug 27, 2012)

I'm a bit worried now.

When I was a kid, I remember stealing my parents copy of Boxing Helena (yes, they bought it!) and sneaking off for a quick shuffle.  After reading that review, I'm wondering how I could get off on such weird stuff (obviously any tits when a teenager are good), and how that might have affected me.  I've not felt the need to find amputee porn, so I guess I wasn't too damaged.

I feel the need* to rewatch it now after that review.  Sounds mental.

* no, not _that_ need


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## quimcunx (Aug 27, 2012)

Favelado said:


> It's easy to say "That's the worst thing I've ever seen" after you've watched a film isn't it? Maybe we've all come out with that at some point when it wasn't really true. Exaggeration is such a feature of modern language that true extremes are sometimes lost in a sea of hyperbole.
> That's a shame really, because last night I watched "Boxing Helena". There isn't really negative vocabulary emphatic enough to describe the experience and I need you to believe me when I say it WAS THE WORST FILM I'VE EVER SEEN.
> 
> It is a turkey of such epic proportions that Bernard Matthews wouldn't have had enough farmland to accommodate it. The biggest flop since Dick Fosbury thought "I think I've got this high-jumping lark figured out". A piece of artwork so primitive and stupid that you'll be screaming for Cecilia Jiminez to come from Borja and paint over it, with acting performances so wooden that you'll be expecting Sting to turn up and campaign for their protection at any moment.
> ...


 
I enjoyed this very much. But I don't understand how you can have said it was awful then gone on to describe what seems to be the BEST film ever made. I'm considering watching it now.

Hasta Whatever!


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## Orang Utan (Aug 27, 2012)

Love Honour & Obey is the worst British film ever made. And it hasn't even got Danny Dire in it.


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## Reno (Aug 27, 2012)

Anyone ever seen the Danny Dyer masterpiece 'Straightheads' ? 

That rape revenge "thriller" is up there for me as the worst British films I've ever seen.


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## Jeff Robinson (Aug 27, 2012)

What about _PIMP! _


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## AverageJoe (Aug 27, 2012)

Always worth a repost.


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## ViolentPanda (Aug 27, 2012)

Ax^ said:


> for it to be the worst movie ever
> 
> 
> Ben Stiller would have to be involved


 
Or Adam Sandler, tbf.


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## likesfish (Aug 27, 2012)

Jeff Robinson said:


> What about _PIMP! _


Saw a bit of pimp how shit can a movie be.
 An odious idea done really really badly.
 Although pimp would never be a great movie


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## likesfish (Aug 27, 2012)

AverageJoe said:


> Always worth a repost.




That man is probably a berk but I want to buy him a pint


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## Favelado (Aug 27, 2012)

I think I might have a go at Battlefield Earth this week. I'll get stoned if the consensus is that I'll need to be to survive it.


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## Reno (Aug 27, 2012)

Looking forward to your review.


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## Favelado (Aug 27, 2012)

Reno said:


> Looking forward to your review.


 
I'll have a go at one maybe. It has to be shit in an interesting way to have a rant though. Boxing Helena is so weird and crap in a unique way. If Battlefield Earth is just one long laser-slog, there might not be anything to write about.


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