# Local Newspaper Headlines!



## Onslow (Aug 10, 2006)

Sometimes news days in local areas can be slow. With the nationals getting the big news stories, war, celebrities, political scandels, its up the little guys to mop up the rest of the days, ahem, "news". 

More often than not along the lines of "MAN LOSES HAT".

Whats the big news in your town today?

Mine, quite frankly, is rather amusing.

" FIREMAN FACES DRYER STUNT QUIZ"

"AN Oswaldtwistle firefighter is to be questioned about a stunt which involved an on-duty fireman being filmed whilst spinning in a tumble dryer"

You can watch it happen here :

http://www.youtube.com/p.swf?video_id=8V-sFTRjErc&eurl=http%3A//www.lancashiretelegraph.co.uk/display.var.871388.0.oswaldtwistle_fireman_faces_dryer_stunt_quiz.php&iurl=http%3A//sjl-static14.sjl.youtube.com/vi/8V-sFTRjErc/2.jpg&t=OEgsToPDskLqn-aRVPPUVBsPbP_-s_vd


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## Mr_Nice (Aug 10, 2006)

Onslow said:
			
		

> Sometimes news days in local areas can be slow. With the nationals getting the big news stories, war, celebrities, political scandels, its up the little guys to mop up the rest of the days, ahem, "news".
> 
> More often than not along the lines of "MAN LOOSES HAT".
> 
> ...



Thats been all over the press, it was big news


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## Hocus Eye. (Aug 10, 2006)

I am rather horrified to see that your local newspaper cannot spell 'LOSES' properly.

H


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## DarthSydodyas (Aug 10, 2006)

Ours is usually about a granny getting mugged.


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## Crispy (Aug 10, 2006)

It could have been a wild hat beeing loosed back to its natural habitat after years of captivity...


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## spoone (Aug 10, 2006)

our one is about the newbury bypass saving 9 minutes on journey time.



the cunts.


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## Onslow (Aug 10, 2006)

Mr_Nice said:
			
		

> Thats been all over the press, it was big news




  I cant get my head round the fact that it made my local rag, nevermind it being big news  



> I am rather horrified to see that your local newspaper cannot spell 'LOSES' properly



It probably can, but i cant.
I got the english prize at college aswell.


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## Ground Elder (Aug 10, 2006)

*Resident's Anger Over Large Puddle* screamed the front page of a local Bristol paper of a dozen years ago. The headline was not misleading - the resident was very angry about a large puddle that "has been there for several weeks now." No one else had reported a problem, but if if it didn't dry up before Autumn  "someone could slip on fallen leaves and get wet".


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## Reno (Aug 10, 2006)

DarthSydodyas said:
			
		

> Ours is usually about a granny getting mugged.



Living in Camden it's usually some granny getting killed for a couple of quid.


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## Onslow (Aug 10, 2006)

Reno said:
			
		

> Living in Camden it's usually some granny getting killed for a couple of quid.




Is it really?


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## Onket (Aug 10, 2006)

I really want one of those blue fireman jackets.


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## Reno (Aug 10, 2006)

Onslow said:
			
		

> Is it really?



This weeks headline is about a grandmother of 90 getting killed for £30 and generally it's someone getting stabbed or beaten to death. There really is no more depressing read than the local paper in Camden.

No headlines about kittens getting stuck on top of trees here. The only story involving cute animals in this weeks Camden New Journal was the one about several bunnies, ducks and guinea pigs in a childrens zoo getting decapitated by yobs.


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## Onslow (Aug 10, 2006)

sounds like absoloute hell.


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## Wookey (Aug 10, 2006)

My mate gets his local paper sent down from his little Scottish village every week, and we have a good laugh at 'Clothes stolen from Main Street washing line' and 'Milk robbed from doorstep' headlines.

His sister is regularly in there, last time for ripping a loo off a cell wall down at the Sheriff's office.


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## Nine Bob Note (Aug 10, 2006)

"Jeans stolen from washing line"

I jest ye not 

"Married man's sex shame with boy"

Local rag attempts at tabloid sensalionalism never go well.


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## madzone (Aug 10, 2006)

Ground Elder said:
			
		

> *Resident's Anger Over Large Puddle* screamed the front page of a local Bristol paper of a dozen years ago. The headline was not misleading - the resident was very angry about a large puddle that "has been there for several weeks now." No one else had reported a problem, but if if it didn't dry up before Autumn  "someone could slip on fallen leaves and get wet".



I haven't read todays local rag. Am I in it? 


*you'll be pleased and hugely relieved to know that I've sent Mr Rhurmund an ethereal apology as his *full* review was published in the WMN


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## Kenny Vermouth (Aug 10, 2006)

The Thanet Times, a paper which covers Margate and Ramsgate, used to come out with very funny ones. 

I used to buy the paper and read it on the train up to London and regularly cry with laughter.

"Bachelor of charts" about a story that a college was teaching a popular music course.

"Piddler on the roof" man weeing off multi-storey.

"Peeing, drug-taking drunk was out celebrating birth of third child" says it all really.

"Elephant ate my pigeon"


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## Kenny Vermouth (Aug 10, 2006)

I forgot there was that one in some village in Yorkshire:

"Bus route stays the same" - front page, that was.


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## Onslow (Aug 10, 2006)

Kenny Vermouth said:
			
		

> "Elephant ate my pigeon"



 Bollox!!


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## Onket (Aug 10, 2006)

Kenny Vermouth said:
			
		

> I forgot there was that one in some village in Yorkshire:
> 
> "Bus route stays the same" - front page, that was.



Fantastic!!


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## Ground Elder (Aug 10, 2006)

> I haven't read today's local rag


_Crucifixion to be Held in Causewayhead_ will always be my favourite Chipwrapper headline


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## Ground Elder (Aug 10, 2006)

> "Bus route stays the same"


That reminds me of a top local story _No Problem with Bus Shelter_


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## H.Dot (Aug 10, 2006)

from Tuesday's SLP:

"*VICTORY FOR ASBO GRANDAD*"

makes a change from the usual stories about stabbings & shootings.


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## T & P (Aug 10, 2006)

The only part of FHM that I ever enjoyed was the 'Little Eye on the Provinces' page in which that kind of headlines were reproduced and the newspaper in question laughed at.

Often there were furious letters from the editors of such newspapers and eventually the section was dropped from the magazine- damned shame.

"PENSIONER FIGHTS OFF BEES" was one of my favourites.


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## Mungy (Aug 10, 2006)

i saw one in Peterborough in 1999/2000 that said something like "Fridge Stolen From Outside House" or something like that.


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## Ground Elder (Aug 10, 2006)

> "Fridge Stolen From Outside House"


 I read a story recently about a man who put his old washing machine in the box his new one came in and left it in the garden for someone to steal, thus saving a trip to the tip.


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## Matt S (Aug 10, 2006)

Today's Oxford Mail is "Woman Fears £933 Parking Ticket"

Matt


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## DJ Squelch (Aug 10, 2006)

My favourite front page for the local newspaper was "FAT SLAGS GIVEN A GOOD SEEING TO!"













Proof






Usually its "Window pane in local phonebox cracked"


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## Onket (Aug 10, 2006)

'Sorry, you can't take photos here' from the Swindon Advertiser today- http://www.swindonadvertiser.co.uk/news/swindonnewsheadlines/display.var.871751.0.sorry_you_cant_take_photos_here.php


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## floof (Aug 10, 2006)

I love the pictures of inbred freaks in 'may queen' costumes or something equally trite.  Only in local papers will they ever make front page.


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## mikeinworthing (Aug 10, 2006)

The worst I ever spotted was:

MILK STOLEN - from doorsteps, would you believe it


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## chio (Aug 10, 2006)

The Manchester Evening News today has "Rescuers' two-hour fight to save horse trapped in bog". This is on the front of a big city daily - a story that'd struggle to make my small town weekly!


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## PacificOcean (Aug 10, 2006)

Ours isn't so nice this week.  Though a cat making the front page shows crime is a bit lacking round these parts.  From the Cheshunt Mercury:

http://www.herts-essex-news.co.uk/n...bs stab cat then hang it up with shoelace.lpf

Poor cat.


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## scifisam (Aug 10, 2006)




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## Fez909 (Aug 10, 2006)

Kenny Vermouth said:
			
		

> I forgot there was that one in some village in Yorkshire:
> 
> "Bus route stays the same" - front page, that was.



That was from Hebden Bridge. They also had:

"Milltown man creosotes shed"

Quality


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## gnoriac (Aug 10, 2006)

For a few years back:
MAN BREAKS BOTTLES IN STREET


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## maya (Aug 10, 2006)

rather boring/silly stuff, really:

- Ten year old meat found in shop freezer!

I killed a computer!

Luck is a horse 

Warming up for “orgasm day”- local couple discovered in action

Pet lizard missing

Cloudspotter gets fatal injury


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## vince noir (Aug 10, 2006)

This is one of the greatest local newspaper stories of all time, includes the classic line, "Mark loves his crisps, like all men"

A recent splash in the Neath Guardian read, "A DRUNKEN man took a goat on a joyride in a crime described by a district judge as one of 'immense stupidity'."


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## Kenny Vermouth (Aug 11, 2006)

vince noir said:
			
		

> This is one of the greatest local newspaper stories of all time, includes the classic line, "Mark loves his crisps, like all men"
> 
> A recent splash in the Neath Guardian read, "A DRUNKEN man took a goat on a joyride in a crime described by a district judge as one of 'immense stupidity'."


That one about the crisps has to be a wind up. It's very funny though.


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## vince noir (Aug 11, 2006)

100% genuine...


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## Kenny Vermouth (Aug 11, 2006)

vince noir said:
			
		

> 100% genuine...


I'll take your word for it, the only thing that made me doubt it was that it was written by someone called James Crisp.

There's a also this comment on the story:

What a lovely heart warming story! I was so touched I went out and bought some crisps, but there wasn't a SINGLE HEART SHAPED ONE! I'm sad and lonely now. 
Gerald Winterbottom, Tytherington 
15/02/2006 at 14:42


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## cyberfairy (Aug 11, 2006)

The Bath Chronicle once had 'Lost Apple Found' with a picture of a beaming bearded old guy holding an apple aloft for the camera


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## bigbry (Aug 11, 2006)

From a few years ago after a few local residents had reported that their dogs had gone missing

MISSING DOGS: POLICE SEEK NEW LEADS

absolutely genuine headline


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## tangerinedream (Aug 11, 2006)

My favourite story ever in a local paper came from the Chorley Guardian. The headline was RAT SEEN IN SUBWAY?

On closer inspection, the story was about a man who'd got off the late train and seen something move in the subway, but was more than happy to concede it could well have been litter or something, rather than a rat. 

This was the front page story.


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## Kenny Vermouth (Aug 11, 2006)

tangerinedream said:
			
		

> My favourite story ever in a local paper came from the Chorley Guardian. The headline was RAT SEEN IN SUBWAY?
> 
> On closer inspection, the story was about a man who'd got off the late train and seen something move in the subway, but was more than happy to concede it could well have been litter or something, rather than a rat.
> 
> This was the front page story.


Fuck me.


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## PacificOcean (Aug 11, 2006)

Is Chorley to posh to have rats?

And is the same Chorley as Chorley FM "where the listener comes first" fame?


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## tangerinedream (Aug 11, 2006)

PacificOcean said:
			
		

> Is Chorley to posh to have rats?
> 
> And is the same Chorley as Chorley FM "where the listener comes first" fame?



No, by no means is Chorley posh

yes it is the same, and chorley fm is actually real.


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## Onslow (Aug 11, 2006)

@ thread.

especially, "MAN SMASHES BOTTLE IN STREET" 

Who gives a shit!


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## Klaus Armenia (Aug 11, 2006)

I just saw "youth activities reaching climax" in a magazine on someones desk


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## mikeinworthing (Aug 12, 2006)

This mistake appeared in a local rag in Kent some years ago.

After the local elections, 2nd headline on page, should have read 'Count at the town hall', but appeared as 'Cunt at the town hall' - never a truer statement 

And down in Somerset when the 'Shift workers wanted' ad appeared as 'Shit workers wanted'.


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## Bob (Aug 12, 2006)

H.Dot said:
			
		

> from Tuesday's SLP:
> 
> "*VICTORY FOR ASBO GRANDAD*"
> 
> makes a change from the usual stories about stabbings & shootings.



In fact this week's SLP is full of brilliant stories. My favorite is about the bus route which has the most emergency buttons pushed in London. The first line of the story was 'Is this the route of all evil?'


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## Winkybag (Aug 12, 2006)

I've been working in Hull this week, the highlight of which has been taking photos of the local news billboards outside newsagents.

One of the highlights:


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## Mrs Magpie (Oct 9, 2011)

While searching for a film with a misleading synopsis for Shirl I came across this (don't ask how I got there, I just did) and it made me glad that local news still thrives. Got any others?

*Policeman injured by flying coffee jar in Poundland, Twickenham*


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## Mrs Magpie (Oct 9, 2011)

Just seen this
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2010/mar/14/local-newspaper-billboard-headlines
Glad to see the SLP got an honourable mention.


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## Mrs Magpie (Oct 9, 2011)

*Dog walker tells of shock at 67 screws discovery*


http://www.burtonmail.co.uk/News/Dog-walker-tells-of-shock-at-67-screws-discovery-06102011.htm


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## mrs quoad (Oct 9, 2011)

I'm guessing you've encountered 'angry people in local newspapers,' Mrs M?

http://apiln.blogspot.com/


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## jakethesnake (Oct 9, 2011)

I'm not sure local news is still thriving - our local daily has now gone to once a week... the long-term prospects for news papers are not good i.m.o.

Anyway, my favourite headline comes from the very late '80s when the Dangerous Dogs Act was being discussed:
"Vets Hopeful After Dog Talks"


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## Mrs Magpie (Oct 9, 2011)




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## Mrs Magpie (Oct 9, 2011)

mrs quoad said:


> I'm guessing you've encountered 'angry people in local newspapers,' Mrs M?
> 
> http://apiln.blogspot.com/


Yes, I've always liked that except I think angry isn't quite the right description. They look disgruntled to me.


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## Mrs Magpie (Oct 9, 2011)

*Couple almost eaten alive by their dinner*


http://www.acadvertiser.co.uk/2011/07/07/couple-almost-eaten-alive-by-their-dinner-51525-29013996/


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## Ponyutd (Oct 9, 2011)

Man found dead in graveyard. Harrow Observer.


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## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 9, 2011)

Not a funny headline as such, but a cracking story dominates my local right now...



> McLaren sports car ends first test run in bushes
> 
> A BRAND new McLaren sports car crashed outside the Formula One firm's Woking headquarters, just minutes after it had left the production line.
> The MP4-12C road car was involved in a collision with a blue VW Passat at around 3pm on Tuesday (October 4) in Chertsey Road, not far from the McLaren Technology Centre.



Fucker made it about 100 yards from the factory before stacking it


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## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 9, 2011)

Further rummaging reveals this gem:

*Former PCSO wrote threatening notes to herself*


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## Hocus Eye. (Oct 9, 2011)

There was a billboard in Torquay in the summer that started with the words PRINCESS GARDENS blah blah. To a local that would be a story about the continuing saga of a possible development on a well known sea front location. To a stranger it might have seemed to be about a member of Royalty doing a bit of weeding.


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## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 9, 2011)

And this:

Couple given six months to pay back brothels money


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## danny la rouge (Oct 9, 2011)

Beans contract worth £2.5m


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## Mrs Magpie (Oct 9, 2011)

*Pumpkins suffer in 'strange' year*


http://www.mk-news.co.uk/News/Leigh...ffer-in-strange-year-340180.xnf?BodyFormat=0&


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## danny la rouge (Oct 9, 2011)

HOGMANAY WAGNER CONCERT AT STIRLING CASTLE

I read that last year, and thought "Wow.  That's far more high brow than the usual fare".

You guessed it.  It wasn't the German composer of Ring fame...


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## friedaweed (Oct 9, 2011)

*Fire destroys mobile horse box in Tarporley*

http://www.chesterchronicle.co.uk/c...mobile-horse-box-in-tarporley-59067-29556818/


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## friedaweed (Oct 9, 2011)

Burning to post this one
*City centre fire caused by eggs left on the cooker*

http://www.chesterchronicle.co.uk/c...ed-by-eggs-left-on-the-cooker-59067-29545811/


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## Mrs Magpie (Oct 9, 2011)

*Rihanna not coming to Morecambe*


http://www.lakelandecho.co.uk/news/rihanna_not_coming_to_morecambe_1_3818125


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## ska invita (Oct 9, 2011)




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## danny la rouge (Oct 9, 2011)

Mrs Magpie said:


> *Rihanna not coming to Morecambe*
> 
> http://www.lakelandecho.co.uk/news/rihanna_not_coming_to_morecambe_1_3818125


  Excellent headline!


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## friedaweed (Oct 9, 2011)

*Actress Jennifer Ellison in city for slimming campaign*

http://www.chesterfirst.co.uk/news/...er-ellison-in-city-for-slimming-campaign.aspx


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## killer b (Oct 9, 2011)




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## friedaweed (Oct 9, 2011)

*Cow waste power plan is resubmitted*

http://www.chesterfirst.co.uk/news/105776/cow-waste-power-plan-is-resubmitted.aspx


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## killer b (Oct 9, 2011)

a friend set up a fb group for chorley billboards... bit of a mixed bag, but there's some total gems.


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## Mrs Magpie (Oct 9, 2011)

http://www.lynnnews.co.uk/

*Coming soon...*


*A NEW tenant could soon be setting up shop in an empty store.*


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## Mrs Magpie (Oct 9, 2011)

...and an intriguing one also from the King's Lynn News

*Take that AA Gill as pub hailed*


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## toblerone3 (Oct 9, 2011)

*This from the Islington Gazette.​*

*Holloway teen jailed after police discover crack in his bum​*

http://www.islingtongazette.co.uk/n...ter_police_discover_crack_in_his_bum_1_821799


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## claphamboy (Oct 10, 2011)

Ponyutd said:


> Man found dead in graveyard. Harrow Observer.



I assume the Welwyn Times is a sister paper?






The 'Hold The Front Page' website regularly features cock-ups & funny headlines from the press & their websites under the theme of 'Friday Funnies', IIRC when this one from the Gloucestershire Echo first appeared I posted it on the wasting bandwidth thread.....


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## claphamboy (Oct 10, 2011)

Just been looking at their Top 12 for 2010, these two made me lol...

We couldn’t believe our eyes when someone sent us a copy of this Chesney Hawkes interview from the Stratford Herald. Neither, I suspect, could poor old Chesney.




The paper’s apology a week later was almost as funny as the original gaffe, with the editor blaming the episode on a ‘particularly vindictive gremlin.’






.






.
.
More here: http://www.holdthefrontpage.co.uk/category/funnies/


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## purves grundy (Oct 10, 2011)

claphamboy said:


> The 'Hold The Front Page' website regularly features cock-ups & funny headlines from the press & their websites under the theme of 'Friday Funnies', IIRC when this one from the Gloucestershire Echo first appeared I posted it on the wasting bandwidth thread.....


ahhh, i was gonna post that!


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## T & P (Oct 10, 2011)




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## wayward bob (Oct 10, 2011)

can't seem to post pics from weird uni pcs but if i could i'd post pretty much all of cardiff terrifies me.


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## Minnie_the_Minx (Oct 10, 2011)

> *William McArdle jailed for chocolate bar murder*



RIP chocolate bar 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-15241697


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## QueenOfGoths (Oct 10, 2011)

killer b said:


> a friend set up a fb group for chorley billboards... bit of a mixed bag, but there's some total gems.



That made me laugh so much


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## neonwilderness (Oct 10, 2011)

*Gateshead council attacks Pickles on bin plan*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/nort...l-attacks-pickles-on-bin-plan-72703-29549921/

The headline made me laugh, but the article doesn't really deliver


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## QueenOfGoths (Oct 10, 2011)

Maidenhead Advertiser tend not to have too may funny headlines but this amused me

*Chicken causes house fire*

http://www.maidenhead-advertiser.co.uk/news/article-23276-chicken-causes-house-fire/


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## claphamboy (Oct 10, 2011)

*These hooligans should not come up her and cause this damage! *

This was the front-page headline that didn't make it to print, but only just.

In the days before newspaper pages were made-up on screen, they were made-up on big 'make-up' boards, where text, photos & ads were pasted onto these boards with hot wax, before being driven to the printers for plates to be made, BTW this was only the mid-80s.

I was in the production studio, just before the pages were due to be boxed-up and on their way, when at the very last moment the error was spotted.

This particular headline was concerning an illegal rave up in the hills, and ironically the only letter missing was a 'e'.


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## billy_bob (Oct 10, 2011)

T & P said:


>


It's hard to conceive of any additional useful information about that story that could be gained by actually reading the article.

e2a: This one is slightly less informative:

*No title*

By BRIAN TILLEY


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## Ponyutd (Oct 10, 2011)

http://www.harrowobserver.co.uk/wes...sport/2008/11/06/no-headline-116451-22198965/


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## twentythreedom (Oct 11, 2011)

I'm looking forward to my forthcoming appearance in the local rags


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## claphamboy (Oct 11, 2011)

twentythreedom said:


> I'm looking forward to my forthcoming appearance in the local rags



What are you in court for?


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## Dan U (Oct 11, 2011)

The pic is on an old phone, but 'reigate invaded by giant spiders' is a favourite of mine


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## miniGMgoit (Oct 11, 2011)

The NT News must win this thread.
Here's some choice ones from our only state paper:












More to follow


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## miniGMgoit (Oct 11, 2011)




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## miniGMgoit (Oct 11, 2011)




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## miniGMgoit (Oct 11, 2011)

I can't find my personal favorite of, "Horny Roo Stalks Women"


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## Dan U (Oct 11, 2011)

Thread won!


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## claphamboy (Oct 11, 2011)

Indeed, a clear winner. 

I can't even work out which is my favourite one, I can only get it down to four!

EDIT: OK, I'll go with the flying dildo one, but ONLY because it's such a tease with "....and wait until you hear where it came from".  

The 3 runner-ups: horny emu, complete tosser & Kevin the ghost.


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## Mrs Magpie (Oct 11, 2011)

My favourite is still
*Rihanna not coming to Morecambe*​
because it just encapsulates a local paper's everyday concerns. Also it got the biggest laughs around the Magpie Mews kitchen table which is a reliable barometer of local everyday concerns if there ever was one.


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## miniGMgoit (Oct 11, 2011)

Dan U said:


> Thread won!





claphamboy said:


> Indeed, a clear winner.
> 
> I can't even work out which is my favourite one, I can only get it down to four!
> 
> ...



The thing is, it's every day. These are just chosen at random. Everyday they have something like that on the front. The paper is legendary and totally bizarre. I started a scrap book when I first moved here but it was pointless as I found myself wanting to keep nearly everything.


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## miniGMgoit (Oct 11, 2011)




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## vivid2012 (Oct 11, 2011)

Dan U said:


> Thread won!


Nice thread for sure.


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## claphamboy (Oct 11, 2011)

miniGMgoit said:


> The thing is, it's every day. These are just chosen at random. Everyday they have something like that on the front. The paper is legendary and totally bizarre. I started a scrap book when I first moved here but it was pointless as I found myself wanting to keep nearly everything.



 Sham it's owned by Murdoch. 

The answer to "....and wait until you hear where it came from" doesn't actually surprise me, but it's nice to know!



> Entertainment for Peter Rolih’s pre-wedding buck’s party was inspired by that famous scene of the woman expelling the ping pong balls in the comedy film The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. But this time the projectiles were not little celluloid objects but something rather more solid. And when the scantily clad exotic dancer performed her party trick – shooting dildos at the guests from her private parts, best man Darwin architect Jure Skumavc, 31, found himself in the firing line. As the Rupert Murdoch owned Northern Territory News reports this morning, Mr Skumavc was injured by the bullet-shaped, pink, sex toy – measuring about 12cm in length.
> 
> Mr Skumavc was still sporting a scar on his forehead at Mr Rolih’s wedding nearly three weeks *after being dinged by the artificial dong*. The darting dildo drama unfolded on December 28 in a rented two-bedroom unit in Brisbane..
> 
> More...Crikey blog


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## killer b (Oct 14, 2011)




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## zoooo (Oct 14, 2011)

Nooo. That one made me cry when I read it.


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## billy_bob (Oct 14, 2011)

zoooo said:


> Nooo. That one made me cry when I read it.



It's ok, they were all addressed to Gracie Fields and extremely sexually aggressive.


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## bi0boy (Oct 31, 2011)

No clowns in Durham


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## claphamboy (Oct 31, 2011)

Ghost thread raises on Halloween night! 

The 2011 version is here - Local paper headlines


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## Sasaferrato (Oct 31, 2011)

spoone said:


> our one is about the newbury bypass saving 9 minutes on journey time.
> 
> the cunts.



Is that all? I can remember the tail back to the top of the hill coming from the South.


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## idumea (Oct 31, 2011)

KEIGHLEY STILL SAFE PLACE TO LIVE; DESPITE KILLINGS.

No joke.


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## jakethesnake (Oct 31, 2011)

I did a massive mushroom and acid bender with a mate of mine one time... a totally epic session. Any how, the next day the billboard outside the local newsagents said BRAVE EXETER BOY'S TRIP. We were well chuffed (the actual story was about some worthy expedition to Africa).


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## killer b (Nov 15, 2011)




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## soonplus (Nov 15, 2011)

this one amused recetly:


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## claphamboy (Nov 15, 2011)

killer b said:


>



Who the fuck is this Terry chap?


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## Espresso (Nov 15, 2011)

I want to go and live in wherever The Northern Territory News is from.


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## claphamboy (Nov 15, 2011)

Espresso said:


> I want to go and live in wherever The Northern Territory News is from.



It's a Murdoch rag.


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## Spanky Longhorn (Nov 15, 2011)

Espresso said:


> I want to go and live in wherever The Northern Territory News is from.



er, the Northern Territory?


----------



## claphamboy (Nov 15, 2011)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> er, the Northern Territory?



see from this post.

EDIT. Oh. I see what you were getting at.


----------



## Espresso (Nov 15, 2011)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> er, the Northern Territory?



er yes. It seems so.

Can't say I knew what country Northern Territory was in, mind. But thanks to your er comment, I have looked it up and now I er do.


----------



## Culdee (Nov 15, 2011)




----------



## Addy (Nov 15, 2011)

A-Level 6th form student gets 10 months for stealing 2 left trainers during riots... 






Link


----------



## Greebo (Nov 15, 2011)

Front page of the South London Press today:  My heart's in the wrong place


----------



## cyberfairy (Nov 15, 2011)

I was hoping for more when I paid 80p to read about a pie war
http://www.lancasterguardian.co.uk/news/lancaster-and-district-news/pie_wars_in_lancaster_1_3892347


----------



## cyberfairy (Nov 15, 2011)

Although this comment exchange has made my day...


5

*sandblast*

Friday, October 28, 2011 at 07:18 PM 

That "Lard Arse" in the picture happens to be my wife..!!!


4

*village idiot downunder*

Wednesday, October 26, 2011 at 02:43 AM 

Look at the lard arse in the picture, that's what happens when you eat too many pies !


----------



## Citizen69 (Nov 15, 2011)

claphamboy said:


> see from this post.
> 
> EDIT. Oh. I see what you were getting at.


*YOU THICK FUCKING WANKER*


----------



## Citizen66 (Nov 16, 2011)

If you'd have thought a little harder you might have come up with Shitizen. Or Clitizen. Both been done a loooooong time ago mind. Cuntizen too but also bindun. As you were unable to think of these you managed to tweak the number at the end of my moniker to 69. But wait... aren't 69ers something that people find _enjoyable?_

So all in all a very poor effort. And that's before I get started on your non-existent photo-shop skills.


----------



## claphamboy (Nov 16, 2011)

i don't know, their version of your avatar did make me lol, for all the wrong reasons, as did their previous username of craphamboy.


----------



## tufty79 (Nov 22, 2011)

Not a headline, but a caption that made me spit my tea: 'david king seeking to unearth the next jade goody'


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 25, 2011)

*Man charged over theft of rhino head*

http://www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/s/2103504_man_charged_over_theft_of_rhino_head


----------



## spliff (Mar 31, 2012)

This excruciating punning comes from Tuesday's Lynn News (Norfolk) courtesy of some hack named *Victoria Fear*. Love it.
*Butcher's rind Robin to bring home the bacon.*
_Bacon lovers will now be waiting for the postman instead _
_of trotting down to the shops after a butcher in East Rudham _
_started a new online ordering service._

Not as good as Rhino heads I'll grant you, but in Norfolk this is hot news.


----------



## Brainaddict (Mar 31, 2012)

I like Rihanna Not Coming To Morecombe as well. I imagine that sums up Morecombe for a lot of people 

The Hertfordshire Mercury sometimes has some gems, though they are currently running with the fascinating but rather anodyne "Easter egg hunt raises cash for Wareside school":

http://www.hertfordshiremercury.co.uk


----------



## mrs quoad (Mar 31, 2012)

http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/Home/Pasty-shops-opening-times-are-hot-potato-30032012.htm

*Pasty shop's opening times are hot potato*

Chris Havergal


West Cornwall Pasty Company​It could be pasties at dawn in Cambridge’s market square – but not if police have their way.


----------



## isvicthere? (Mar 31, 2012)

One that was in Private Eye yonks ago:-

*"MOUNTING PROBLEMS FOR YOUNG COUPLES".*


----------



## marty21 (Mar 31, 2012)

Saw this in a Suffolk paper last week, couldn't find an image



> 10,000 fight for broadband


 
there was blood the streets as suffolkians battled for faster download speeds


----------



## isvicthere? (Mar 31, 2012)

*STUDENTS SLASHED IN EAST LONDON*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 31, 2012)

*"The paper all Bristol asked for and helped to create"*


----------



## Maggot (Mar 31, 2012)

Thanks to Stephen Fry for this one:


----------



## _angel_ (Mar 31, 2012)

This was BBC news 24, not local news, but they were running the "story" that 'sheep had shrunk 25% since the eighties' a few months ago. Clearly no news that day.


----------



## Miss Caphat (Mar 31, 2012)

I'm going to consider all of the US local, ok?


----------



## DJ Squelch (Mar 31, 2012)

Still my favourite from my old local paper.


----------



## miniGMgoit (Apr 26, 2012)

Dead bush pig found in posh suburb


----------



## extra dry (Apr 26, 2012)

http://www.oddee.com/item_96156.aspx

some classic headlines


----------



## danny la rouge (May 2, 2012)

Here's my local paper today. It's cheered me up immensely. It's a story of two spelling mistakes in one sign. _And_ it's the sign for the local college! Stirling is the pits. 

BORN UNDER A BAD SIGN!


----------



## T & P (May 2, 2012)

x1000 at the exclamation mark at the end of the first paragraph.


----------



## danny la rouge (May 2, 2012)

T & P said:


> x1000 at the exclamation mark at the end of the first paragraph.


Oh, you should read the rest of the paper.  The real irony is that the Stirling Observer is sniggering about spelling and grammar.


----------



## barney_pig (May 2, 2012)

when I was a kid the local paper ran the headline- "Turkish Earthquake- Dorchester couple not involved"


----------



## Stash (May 25, 2012)

FFS...
http://www.hackneygazette.co.uk/new...a_shaker_drummer_solved_the_mystery_1_1389110


----------



## el-ahrairah (May 25, 2012)

Was it Bill Bryson who wrote at length about the glorious incomprehensability of local newspaper headlines, quoteing his favourite "Letter Box Rapist Strikes Again"...


----------



## killer b (Jul 15, 2012)

http://www.sthelensreporter.co.uk/n...tuck-in-teapot-1-4739006#.UALbWy7eeSc.twitter


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 15, 2012)

It wasn't stuck, he was just steeping it for five minutes like a true tea lover.


----------



## DJ Squelch (Jul 31, 2012)

Poo found in Brighton council microwave


----------



## claphamboy (Jul 31, 2012)

DJ Squelch said:


> Poo found in Brighton council microwave


 
Makes a change from it being found in most council's chambers.


----------



## T & P (Jul 31, 2012)

DJ Squelch said:


> Poo found in Brighton council microwave


----------



## killer b (Sep 16, 2012)

woman burns pie


----------



## Mrs Magpie (Sep 16, 2012)

Most alarming local paper headline I've seen in a long long time...Postcode wars mediaeval style....
*Basingstoke put Gosport and Fareham to the sword*

**

except on closer inspection no-one was run through or even seriously hurt....
http://www.basingstokegazette.co.uk..._put_Gosport_and_Fareham_to_the_sword/?ref=ec


----------



## Citizen66 (Sep 18, 2012)

Not a headline as such but a title over a letter in the Whitby Gazette -'tips for catching crabs!' 

Would upload a scan but can't do images with my tablet.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 27, 2012)

In tribute to the _Prestwich Advertisier_, which has been shut down:


----------



## eatmorecheese (Sep 28, 2012)

http://www.thisiscroydontoday.co.uk...utting-cat-s/story-17002759-detail/story.html


----------



## killer b (Oct 3, 2012)




----------



## T & P (Oct 3, 2012)

^ Fucking brilliant


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 7, 2012)

http://dniln.blogspot.co.uk/


----------



## Onket (Oct 7, 2012)

DaveCinzano said:


> http://dniln.blogspot.co.uk/


----------



## Voley (Oct 7, 2012)

DaveCinzano said:


> http://dniln.blogspot.co.uk/





> *Animal carcass found*
> 
> AN animal carcass was discovered on a beach after police investigated reports that a body had been found.
> Peterlee Police received reports of a grim discovery on the beach in Blackhall at around 8pm yesterday.
> They attended the scene and examined the find, concluding it was an animal’s carcass.


----------



## MooChild (Oct 7, 2012)

Sandwell Chronicle 4th Oct 2012

*Hazards of Wheelie Bins.*
Accident and emergency staff treated three people for accidents involving wheelie bins in a year, including a 68 year old woman who fell into one. Sandwell and West Birmingham Hospitals NHS Trust, which runs Sandwell, City and Rowley Regis hospitals, said the woman lost her footing and fell into the bin. A 39 year old man went to A&E after a bin ran over his foot, and a 42 year old man was hit by a bin weighing four and a half stones at work, leaving him with chest pain.


----------



## paddockloyal (Oct 7, 2012)

If you like this sort of thing you may enjoy the regular viz tweets which usually begin "_It's all kicking off in..._"

https://twitter.com/vizcomic


----------



## Badgers (Oct 7, 2012)

paddockloyal said:
			
		

> If you like this sort of thing you may enjoy the regular viz tweets which usually begin "It's all kicking off in..."
> 
> https://twitter.com/vizcomic



Yep 

Also 'crap beer gardens' is a joy


----------



## killer b (Nov 16, 2012)




----------



## Citizen66 (Nov 16, 2012)




----------



## killer b (Nov 16, 2012)

whoever does the posters at the LEP is a genius. most days there's one to lol at...


----------



## bi0boy (Mar 4, 2013)

I'm currently enjoying the comments section of my local rag:

"The clowncil is being stupidly one-sided as usual, for the benefit of cyclofascists. Perhaps the reason that the taxi drivers are overranking and blocking the main carriageway is because the cyclists have provoked them into doing this. One-sided journalism and politics AS USUAL."


----------



## Firky (Mar 4, 2013)

I had to laugh at this, coley will probably have spotted it too 




> *Jeff Reid: Northumberland council boss apologises for calling home town Blyth a "dump"*
> 
> 4 Mar 2013 00:00
> A council boss last night apologised to 35,000 people in his home town after branding them dump dwellers.
> ...


 

Cramlington is shit as well. Decent butchers and markets in Blyth though... but it is a fuckign dump, parts of it look like the projects in The Wire.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 4, 2013)

bi0boy said:


> The clowncil


 
I'm having that.


----------



## neonwilderness (Mar 4, 2013)

firky said:


> Cramlington is shit as well. Decent butchers and markets in Blyth though... but it is a fuckign dump, parts of it look like the projects in The Wire.


A couple of colleagues are from Blyth, I'm looking forward to a bit of office trolling about this when they are in tomorrow 

It's even worse over the river, Cambois is like something from The Hills Have Eyes


----------



## coley (Mar 4, 2013)

firky said:


> I had to laugh at this, coley will probably have spotted it too
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## coley (Mar 4, 2013)

neonwilderness said:


> A couple of colleagues are from Blyth, I'm looking forward to a bit of office trolling about this when they are in tomorrow
> 
> It's even worse over the river, Cambois is like something from The Hills Have Eyes



SE Northumberland, desolation city, you expect to see Kurt Russell lurking in the doorways


----------



## _angel_ (Mar 4, 2013)

"Baildon New Park Sign Vandalised"  was on the news boards on Saturday that made me laugh.

Read the whole shocking story: http://www.thetelegraphandargus.co....formation_board_at_Ferniehurst_Dell__Baildon/


----------



## coley (Mar 4, 2013)

miniGMgoit said:


>


 Seems the NT are well worth a visit


----------



## Firky (Mar 4, 2013)

neonwilderness said:


> A couple of colleagues are from Blyth, I'm looking forward to a bit of
> 
> office trolling about this when they are in tomorrow
> 
> It's even worse over the river, Cambois is like something from The Hills Have Eyes


 


coley said:


> SE Northumberland, desolation city, you expect to see Kurt Russell lurking in the doorways


 
He's just being honest about Blyth, he should have phrased it better - saying it is need of rejuvenation or something but it is an absolute hole of a place. It's slightly better than it used to be regarding substance misuse. 

Cambois:







The heart literally ripped out


----------



## T & P (Mar 4, 2013)

_angel_ said:


> "Baildon New Park Sign Vandalised" was on the news boards on Saturday that made me laugh.
> 
> Read the whole shocking story: http://www.thetelegraphandargus.co....formation_board_at_Ferniehurst_Dell__Baildon/


 
The picture accompanying the article is perplexing. Why is the man running the preservation body posing next to the vandalised sign with a big smile on his face and a hammer in his hand?


----------



## killer b (Mar 4, 2013)

bi0boy said:


> I'm currently enjoying the comments section of my local rag:
> 
> "The clowncil is being stupidly one-sided as usual, for the benefit of cyclofascists. Perhaps the reason that the taxi drivers are overranking and blocking the main carriageway is because the cyclists have provoked them into doing this. One-sided journalism and politics AS USUAL."


Where is this? Boringly, I actually have a professional interest in this topic.


----------



## _angel_ (Mar 4, 2013)

T & P said:


> The picture accompanying the article is perplexing. Why is the man running the preservation body posing next to the vandalised sign with a big smile on his face and a hammer in his hand?


lol the comments ask just that!

i've no idea.


----------



## bi0boy (Mar 4, 2013)

killer b said:


> Where is this? Boringly, I actually have a professional interest in this topic.


 
Cambridge, which currently has a surfeit of taxi drivers:

http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/News/Have-your-say-on-taxi-rank-changes-04032013.htm


----------



## miniGMgoit (Mar 5, 2013)

More NT News zingers


----------



## miniGMgoit (Mar 5, 2013)




----------



## miniGMgoit (Mar 5, 2013)

The statistics are out and I live in the most violent and dangerous place in Australia. Just waiting for the hipsters to move in and make it fab now.


----------



## hipipol (Mar 5, 2013)

Addy said:


> A-Level 6th form student gets 10 months for stealing 2 left trainers during riots...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Oh Dear, no wonder she's called corns if she wears two left footed trainers..........


----------



## Mrs Magpie (Mar 5, 2013)

miniGMgoit said:


> The statistics are out and I live in the most violent and dangerous place in Australia. Just waiting for the hipsters to move in and make it fab now.


You can have all of ours.


----------



## miniGMgoit (Mar 6, 2013)

Mrs Magpie said:


> You can have all of ours.


Hmm, hasn't that been done before??


----------



## isvicthere? (Mar 9, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> I'm having that.





bi0boy said:


> I'm currently enjoying the comments section of my local rag:
> 
> "The clowncil is being stupidly one-sided as usual, for the benefit of cyclofascists. Perhaps the reason that the taxi drivers are overranking and blocking the main carriageway is because the cyclists have provoked them into doing this. One-sided journalism and politics AS USUAL."



"Clowncil" and "cyclofascists"? Sounds like Richard Littlejohn moonlighting.


----------



## dessiato (Mar 9, 2013)

A friend of mine in Florida lives in a town where the crime is so low that the local paper resorts to listing parking violations in the crime reports. Anyway, here's yesterday's headline: 
*Equipment featured at Golfest shows how clubs have evolved*


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Mar 9, 2013)

Not sure this is quite what the thread is designed for, but the local hacks have made up the following story.  Clearly Betteridge's law needs to be invoked regarding the headline.  They've done 3 follow up pieces about this nonsense... 



> *Is there a crocodile in the River Thames? *
> 
> http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/s/2129273_is_there_a_crocodile_in_the_river_thames
> 
> Complete with "artists impression" of what it might look like...


----------



## bi0boy (Mar 15, 2013)

*Did coffee dregs predict election of Pope Francis I?*

This mysterious ‘face’ appeared in a coffee pod – leading the finder to believe it could be the new pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio.

But then again, Hugh Kellett, who was stunned to see the image in his coffee grounds, also speculated that the “miraculous” appearance could be TV broadcaster and Cambridge resident Rory McGrath.


http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/News/Is-that-the-pope-I-see-in-my-coffee-15032013.htm


----------



## _angel_ (Mar 15, 2013)

Once again, the Telegraph and Argus does not disappoint. In the whole of the city of Bradford apparently a noisy cattle grid is front page news.
http://www.thetelegraphandargus.co....ea_for_relief_from_Baildon_cattle_grid_noise/


----------



## miniGMgoit (Mar 18, 2013)

From NT News today


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 18, 2013)

miniGMgoit said:


> From NT News today...


 
How is the Northern Territory perceived within Australia?


----------



## dessiato (Mar 18, 2013)

This one caught my eye. It seems very ambitious of him, but I wish him, and the team good luck. (Grimsby Telegraph)
Man who lost an arm battles depression to play as goalkeeper for Navigo five-a-side team


----------



## dessiato (Mar 18, 2013)

And just found this in the Grimsby Telegraph: (an opinion column, about something that is nothing at all to do with Grimsby, but is used to illustrate how evil the internet is)
Simon Faulkner: Mum's bid to sell her kids on Facebook


----------



## dessiato (Mar 18, 2013)

And another apparently they now have two flavours of crisp:
Grimsby-based Scrubby's Crisps launch new flavour and get brand into Harrods


----------



## miniGMgoit (Mar 18, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> How is the Northern Territory perceived within Australia?


The NT is a mythical place few Australians have seen yet the entire country feeds off how they perceive the place to be. Red sand, big sky, wilderness, the definitive Australians projection of Australia. 
They also think of it as a place people have historically run away to, when fleeing trouble, debt or the law. They think its pretty wild and scary up here. 

When we decided to move up here people were horrified that we'd be leaving the conservative and boringly safe confines of Victoria let alone to some scary place on the other side of the country that no one they know has ever seen and that might not actually exist. People were genuinely worried for our safety. The thing you got to remember with Australians is few permanently leave the place they grew up in. Most are still rooted in their social circles from school and the thought of moving away seem ludicrous to them. They also have a fear of the unknown and a fear of what they think they know. All in all a can't see past the end of their own zinc covered nose type of vibe. 

But back to the original question the NT is seen as both an area of natural beauty and archetypal "Australia", as well as a lawless non-state populated by serial killers, rednecks and dangerous wildlife. Personally I'd like it if they continued to think like that. Every dry season a new influx of southerns arrive to save the aboriginals, while also avoiding the southern winter, getting a tan and making their résumé look good. 99% have left within a couple of months. Anyone who has stayed more than 2 years usually gets a "wow" or "good work" for others when it comes up in discussion.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 18, 2013)

Cheers dude 



> ...a lawless non-state populated by serial killers...


 
Hang on:

_Wolf Creek_ & _Roadgames_ - WESTERN AUSTRALIA
_Snowtown_ - SOUTH AUSTRALIA
_Van Diemen's Land_ & _The Last Confession Of Alexander Pearce_ - TASMANIA
_Night Of Fear_ - NEW SOUTH WALES

Those flaming Victorian pricks done given the Territory a bum rap!


----------



## dessiato (Mar 18, 2013)

Complete article from the online Grimsby Telegraph today.


> PART of Stallingborough has flooded.
> Firefighters were called to Riby Road, at 9.40am to 'localised flooding'.
> However, it did not require any action by emergency services.


----------



## miniGMgoit (Mar 18, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> Cheers dude
> 
> 
> 
> ...



You highlight a very good point there Dave. However per capita it is leagues ahead of anywhere else for violent crime, domestic violence, robbery and all manner of other nasties. This is because there's only about 1/4 million people in an area bigger than the UK.


----------



## miniGMgoit (Mar 18, 2013)

Oh. And Victoria have had their fair share of lunatics. Hoddle St shootings spring to mind. All the gangster stuff as well.


----------



## coley (Mar 18, 2013)

miniGMgoit said:


> The NT is a mythical place few Australians have seen yet the entire country feeds off how they perceive the place to be. Red sand, big sky, wilderness, the definitive Australians projection of Australia.
> They also think of it as a place people have historically run away to, when fleeing trouble, debt or the law. They think its pretty wild and scary up here.
> 
> When we decided to move up here people were horrified that we'd be leaving the conservative and boringly safe confines of Victoria let alone to some scary place on the other side of the country that no one they know has ever seen and that might not actually exist. People were genuinely worried for our safety. The thing you got to remember with Australians is few permanently leave the place they grew up in. Most are still rooted in their social circles from school and the thought of moving away seem ludicrous to them. They also have a fear of the unknown and a fear of what they think they know. All in all a can't see past the end of their own zinc covered nose type of vibe.
> ...



Know how you feel


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 19, 2013)

miniGMgoit said:


> However per capita it is leagues ahead of anywhere else for violent crime, domestic violence, robbery and all manner of other nasties. This is because there's only about 1/4 million people in an area bigger than the UK.


 
Fair point - so we're saying the NT punches above its weight 

I have to confess I have a soft spot for grisly Aussie true crime documentaries: _Australian Families Of Crime_,_ Beyond The Darklands__, Crime Investigation Australia__, Australian Druglords_ etc...

Some great bent cop/career crims based-on-true-story dramas too, like _Blue Murder_, _Scales Of Justice__, The Clean Machine_ etc, and _The Great Bookie Robbery_ which I rewatched recently. Loved seeing a pre-_Neighbours_ Benito Alessi (George Spartels) as a flaky gang member, as well as Joe Scully's non-goey-addicted brother Mick (Andy Anderson) as an always-reliably-permed heavy!


----------



## Firky (Mar 19, 2013)

miniGMgoit said:


> The NT is a mythical place few Australians have seen yet the entire country feeds off how they perceive the place to be. Red sand, big sky, wilderness, the definitive Australians projection of Australia.
> They also think of it as a place people have historically run away to, when fleeing trouble, debt or the law. They think its pretty wild and scary up here.
> 
> When we decided to move up here people were horrified that we'd be leaving the conservative and boringly safe confines of Victoria let alone to some scary place on the other side of the country that no one they know has ever seen and that might not actually exist. People were genuinely worried for our safety. The thing you got to remember with Australians is few permanently leave the place they grew up in. Most are still rooted in their social circles from school and the thought of moving away seem ludicrous to them. They also have a fear of the unknown and a fear of what they think they know. All in all a can't see past the end of their own zinc covered nose type of vibe.
> ...


 
Have you seen this? If not I recommend it:

*Australia's Red Heart, BBC Four*


DURATION: 1 HOUR

Australia's stark and beautiful red centre is now seen as part of the country's national identity, with Uluru, or Ayres Rock, a national symbol. But this vast desert centre was originally seen as a place of death and silence by the first white explorers. It has taken 200 years for a new perception to emerge, one that recognises it as a place of life and creation - the way it has always been seen by the continent's original inhabitants, the Aborigines.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00dzyz5


----------



## miniGMgoit (Mar 19, 2013)

Firky said:


> Have you seen this? If not I recommend it:
> 
> *Australia's Red Heart, BBC Four*
> 
> ...


I live it baby!!!


----------



## bi0boy (Apr 6, 2013)

Ok this is from the BBC:

*Mystery after Shoreham-by-Sea sheep's scarves removed*


Mystery surrounds the removal of scarves that were placed around the necks of fake green sheep....A businessman put scarves on them, which were taken off 24 hours later....He said the garments could not have blown off since they had been tied on.


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-22050711


----------



## UhOhSeven (Apr 21, 2013)

One from Hertfordshire on Sunday (RIP).

"CHOO CHOO POO-POO TO-DO"

.. about the controversial closure of railway platform toilets, since you ask.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 21, 2013)

UhOhSeven said:


> One from Hertfordshire on Sunday (RIP).
> 
> "CHOO CHOO POO-POO TO-DO"
> 
> .. about the controversial closure of railway platform toilets, since you ask.


I'm sure that article went over many sticky points.


----------



## miniGMgoit (Apr 22, 2013)

Oh no's!!!

Pussy Shaver Strikes Again!!!!!


----------



## miniGMgoit (Apr 22, 2013)

The woman who was in the caravan cat-astrophe was my preceptor at the hospital when I first graduated , just noticed.


----------



## chandlerp (Apr 30, 2013)

http://www.the-gazette.co.uk/news/johnstone/articles/2013/04/30/455369-budgie-found-in-johnstone/


----------



## pogofish (Apr 30, 2013)

miniGMgoit said:


> Oh no's!!!
> 
> Pussy Shaver Strikes Again!!!!!


 
That woman is the spitting image of one of my cousins and even shares the same first name! 

My cousin hates cats though.


----------



## bi0boy (May 25, 2013)

Woe betide anyone who erects a gate and a fence in the wrong order:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-wiltshire-22655640


----------



## neonwilderness (May 25, 2013)

Seagull finds new home in Newcastle Central Station car park


----------



## UhOhSeven (May 25, 2013)

*You can’t have your Eccles cake and heat it*
_Merseyside fire and rescue service warn public after spate of fires caused by Eccles cakes and microwaves_

http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/merseyside-fire-rescue-service-warn-3875747


----------



## danny la rouge (May 26, 2013)

Poll: "Have you started your Christmas shopping early?"

http://www.stirlingobserver.co.uk/stirling-news/ 

In _May_?


----------



## equationgirl (May 26, 2013)

Man throws spanner at own car in rage
http://www.the-gazette.co.uk/news/renfrew/articles/2013/05/25/458681-threw-spanner-in-fit-of-rage/


----------



## DJ Squelch (May 28, 2013)

*300 Kate Bush lookalikes break record in Brighton park*

*http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/10445440.300_Kate_Bush_lookalikes_break_record_in_Brighton_park/?ref=ms*


----------



## marty21 (May 28, 2013)

I was reading the East Anglian Times over the weekend - I was staying up there - I don't make a habit of reading it when I am not there - there was a short story about a car being damaged -

It said something like 'Police are investigating damage to a car between 8am and 5pm one day - the roof was scratched with a pebble, Police believe that a pebble left on the roof may have been used'  good to see that Suffolk Police are on the ball 

can't imagine too many stories like that in a Hackney paper - they'd have to have a daily issue filled with car vandalism


----------



## neonwilderness (Jun 18, 2013)

*Whitby councillor claims to have fathered alien child*

Married father-of-three Simon Parkes, who represents Stakesby on Whitby Town Council, said his wife had rowed with him after revealing he had a child called Zarka with an alien he refers to as the Cat Queen.

http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/ne...uncillor_claims_to_have_fathered_alien_child/


----------



## Brixton Hatter (Jun 18, 2013)

i posted this on the bandwidthz thread but it deserves to go here too:


----------



## _angel_ (Jun 18, 2013)

This isn't actually the local press but it's the area of the infamously noisy cattle grid and vandalized park where my inlaws live hitting the national press!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...ch-car-park-ticket-machine-accepts-euros.html


----------



## Corax (Jul 17, 2013)

Quality bit of local journalism from Southampton's local rag today.

The Daily Echo tried to get shops to stick up a Daily Echo poster welcoming troops home.  A handful politely declined to advertise their tawdry rag.

*"Shops snub homecoming troops"*

http://www.dailyecho.co.uk/news/10553341.Shops_snub_homecoming_troops/?action=success

Encouragingly, the majority of the comments have called them out on their cynical tactics.


----------



## killer b (Jul 21, 2013)

*Is this the biggest chip in Gloucestershire?*


http://www.gloucestercitizen.co.uk/biggest-chip-Gloucestershire/story-19547377-detail/story.html


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 21, 2013)

killer b said:


> *Is this the biggest chip in Gloucestershire?*
> 
> 
> http://www.gloucestercitizen.co.uk/biggest-chip-Gloucestershire/story-19547377-detail/story.html


I love the outraged comments


----------



## killer b (Jul 21, 2013)

yes, they are great.


----------



## DotCommunist (Jul 21, 2013)

> She added: "I now plan to research the history of huge chips


 
the legend begins...


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 21, 2013)

I just read that story out to someone and showed them the picture.

Response: "I've eaten bigger chips than that. I've _shit_ bigger chips than that."

The big chip debate - no small potatoes.


----------



## killer b (Jul 21, 2013)

it isn't a particularly big chip, true. that's part of what makes the story so glorious.


----------



## Lorca (Jul 21, 2013)

peeping tom found hiding in womans septic tank, covered in excrement

http://www.tulsaworld.com/article.a...ould_face_felony/20130709_11_A12_CUTLIN314935

''A woman told sheriff's deputies that she looked into the toilet and "saw the water move," according to Enlow's arrest report. "As she looked closer, she noticed that there was a man looking up at her"


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 21, 2013)

Lawnmowing bungle destroys 2,000 saplings in Nidd Gorge, Knaresborough
http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/10560775.Lawnmowing_bungle_destroys_2_000_tree_native_wood/


----------



## Tom A (Jul 22, 2013)

UhOhSeven said:


> *You can’t have your Eccles cake and heat it*
> _Merseyside fire and rescue service warn public after spate of fires caused by Eccles cakes and microwaves_
> 
> http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/merseyside-fire-rescue-service-warn-3875747


 



> Ovens, kitchen areas and* Eccles  cakes themselves *were damaged in  the fires.



Will this carnage ever end?


----------



## Tom A (Jul 22, 2013)

equationgirl said:


> Man throws spanner at own car in rage
> http://www.the-gazette.co.uk/news/renfrew/articles/2013/05/25/458681-threw-spanner-in-fit-of-rage/


 
For when thrashing at it with a sturdy branch is just not relieving enough...


----------



## tufty79 (Jul 22, 2013)

a few of my favourite YEP gems from over the last two years..


----------



## tufty79 (Jul 22, 2013)




----------



## tufty79 (Jul 22, 2013)




----------



## tufty79 (Jul 22, 2013)

there was once a bread bridge in leeds. i will see if i can find any further information.


----------



## tufty79 (Jul 22, 2013)




----------



## tufty79 (Jul 22, 2013)




----------



## tufty79 (Jul 22, 2013)

last one. not a headline, but a horoscope basically saying 'suck it up. then spend a fortune calling my psychic line'


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 22, 2013)

http://www.yorkshireeveningpost.co....ng-miniature-village-in-her-bedroom-1-5840002


----------



## tufty79 (Jul 22, 2013)

omg. cheers seeformiles - you've just found me my spiritual mother


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 22, 2013)

Not a local paper, but still worthy of a mention I reckon 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk-news/2013/jul/22/horse-mcdonalds-manchester-woman-fined

*Woman fined for taking horse into McDonald's*
Police called after woman takes animal into Manchester restaurant after being refused service in drive-through lane


----------



## Tom A (Jul 22, 2013)

neonwilderness said:


> Not a local paper, but still worthy of a mention I reckon
> 
> http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk-news/2013/jul/22/horse-mcdonalds-manchester-woman-fined
> 
> ...


 
Neigh way!


----------



## DotCommunist (Jul 22, 2013)

I like that the horse done a shit in there as well, it must have really wanted that happy meal toy


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Jul 22, 2013)

http://www.peterboroughtoday.co.uk/sport/cricket/butt-explosion-lifts-peterborough-town-closer-to-northants-league-summit-1-5306766


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 22, 2013)

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/can-you-help-police-identify-5169853

The headline is fine on this one, it's some of the photos that are making me laugh (this one in particular)


----------



## little_legs (Jul 22, 2013)

Original post deleted for being out of touch with the nature of this thread.


----------



## killer b (Jul 22, 2013)

this thread is for the lolz tbh legs. paedo-dogs are probably for another thread.


----------



## little_legs (Jul 22, 2013)

sorry, i'll look out for the lolz headlines next time.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 7, 2013)




----------



## maya (Aug 7, 2013)

(edit)


----------



## T & P (Aug 15, 2013)

Pizza Poop Shock!


----------



## fredfelt (Aug 15, 2013)

This is a really old one - hope it has not been done before on this thread


----------



## Citizen66 (Aug 15, 2013)

killer b said:
			
		

> Is this the biggest chip in Gloucestershire?
> 
> http://www.gloucestercitizen.co.uk/biggest-chip-Gloucestershire/story-19547377-detail/story.html



PR in action.


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 19, 2013)

*A-peel for help after jet skiers slip up with inflatable banana*

http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/ne...er_jet_skiers_slip_up_with_inflatable_banana/


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 30, 2013)

*Suspected smoke over Colsterworth turns out to be a cloud*

http://www.rutland-times.co.uk/news...olsterworth-turns-out-to-be-a-cloud-1-5434228


----------



## ska invita (Sep 5, 2013)




----------



## King Biscuit Time (Sep 5, 2013)

*'Semi-erect' OAP caught shampooing his genitals on a bus claims he's 'no hardened criminal'*
Written by RUPERT MARQUAND

From the Bedfordshire on Sunday


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 6, 2013)

neonwilderness said:


> *Suspected smoke over Colsterworth turns out to be a cloud*
> 
> http://www.rutland-times.co.uk/news...olsterworth-turns-out-to-be-a-cloud-1-5434228


 
This reminds me of the reports of a 999 call a few years ago in Wales where someone rang reporting a bright object in the sky, which turned out to be the Moon.  I can't find a local paper report (it must have been reported locally at the time), but this is the BBC one.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/7489457.stm


----------



## gabi (Sep 6, 2013)

King Biscuit Time said:


> *'Semi-erect' OAP caught shampooing his genitals on a bus claims he's 'no hardened criminal'*
> Written by RUPERT MARQUAND
> 
> From the Bedfordshire on Sunday



thats fucking brilliant. you win the thread.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 6, 2013)

King Biscuit Time said:


> *'Semi-erect' OAP caught shampooing his genitals on a bus claims he's 'no hardened criminal'*
> Written by RUPERT MARQUAND
> 
> From the Bedfordshire on Sunday


 
But was he using anti-dandruff shampoo?


----------



## gabi (Sep 6, 2013)

Our local paper here in hk is usually good for this sort of thing. Spotted this one the other day.. Sorry for the shit quality.


----------



## billy_bob (Sep 6, 2013)

http://www.newsandstar.co.uk/news/new-gay-friendly-nightclub-to-open-in-carlisle-1.1081661

Nothing remarkable about the headline here, but I can't stop laughing at this quote:




			
				Mr Anderson said:
			
		

> “Putting someone on like Limahl will bring back a lot of nice memories to people,”


----------



## killer b (Sep 6, 2013)

a friend who works at HMV tells me someone took a shit on the stairs there yesterday. refreshing the local paper website regularly, but nothing yet.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 6, 2013)

killer b said:


> a friend who works at HMV tells me someone took a shit on the stairs there yesterday. refreshing the local paper website regularly, but nothing yet.


*STAIRWAY TO HEAVING*


----------



## billy_bob (Sep 6, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> *STAIRWAY TO HEAVING*



Download Damages Record Shop's Popularity


----------



## killer b (Sep 6, 2013)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 6, 2013)

billy_bob said:


> Download Damages Record Shop's Popularity


*NIPPER SLIPS ON STEP SHIT*


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 6, 2013)

*Nine and a half stone dog who ate full-sized chicken dinners loses three stone*
http://www.nottinghampost.com/half-...inners-loses/story-19763438-detail/story.html


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 13, 2013)

The story is quite a serious one, but the picture they've used


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 14, 2013)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> View attachment 40471 The story is quite a serious one, but the picture they've used










Steady on, you'll snap a banjo string


----------



## cyberfairy (Sep 20, 2013)

Police confirmed that they received a report about the theft of a large, man sized ornamental gorilla at 9.15am on Monday morning. Anyone with information should call police on 101.


----------



## quimcunx (Sep 26, 2013)

I think the dundee courier must have a sun journalist working there on secondment. 

*Perthshire scientist's premature ejaculation treatment can't come quickly enough*


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 26, 2013)

cyberfairy said:


> Police confirmed that they received a report about the theft of a large, man sized ornamental gorilla at 9.15am on Monday morning. Anyone with information should call police on 101.


 
It could have been drunken teenagers - I remember a group of us nicking a garden gnome type thing while we were trollied.  Can't remember what we did with it, but vaguely recall it was returned unharmed at some point.

But who the hell has a ornamental gorilla in the first place!


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Sep 26, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> But who the hell has a ornamental gorilla in the first place!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 26, 2013)

Who is that supposed to be?  Or is just a random person cast in a taste-free bust?


----------



## Maurice Picarda (Sep 26, 2013)

Che Guevara, the go-to ornamental guerilla.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 26, 2013)

Silas Loom said:


> Che Guevara, the go-to ornamental guerilla.


 
Whoever it is, its hideous.


----------



## Ponyutd (Sep 26, 2013)

*Investigation after man found dead at Cemetery*

http://www.bristolpost.co.uk/Invest...ale-Cemetery/story-19409205-detail/story.html


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 26, 2013)

Ponyutd said:


> *Investigation after man found dead at Cemetery*
> 
> http://www.bristolpost.co.uk/Invest...ale-Cemetery/story-19409205-detail/story.html


 
They clearly write headlines like deliberately!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 27, 2013)

BREAKING NEWS from the "South West Website of the Year":


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 27, 2013)

Marvellous!  How irrelevant can you possibly get! 

I've been keeping an eye out for examples from my local rag, but sadly there haven't been any of late.  Shame on them!


----------



## cyberfairy (Sep 27, 2013)

http://www.lancasterguardian.co.uk/news/crime/appeal-after-car-damage-on-street-1-6080184

Anyone recognise this person?


----------



## pinkmonkey (Sep 27, 2013)

http://www.hertfordshiremercury.co....g-Cheshunt-fisherman-fined-20130924120858.htm


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 27, 2013)

cyberfairy said:


> http://www.lancasterguardian.co.uk/news/crime/appeal-after-car-damage-on-street-1-6080184
> 
> Anyone recognise this person?


Is it your postie?


----------



## Hocus Eye. (Sep 27, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> It could have been drunken teenagers - I remember a group of us nicking a garden gnome type thing while we were trollied.  Can't remember what we did with it, but vaguely recall it was returned unharmed at some point.
> 
> But who the hell has a ornamental gorilla in the first place!


It is probably a story from the West Country. In the summer there was some sort of campaign about gorillas using life sized plastic models of gorillas painted in silly patterns. This campaign or exhibition travelled around from Torbay to Exeter and I think it was going to Bristol. I was only aware of it but not sure what its purpose was unless it was something to do with the environment and threat to the survival of wild animals.

Edited to add: do a search on "Wow! Gorillas" for more information


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 27, 2013)

cyberfairy said:


> http://www.lancasterguardian.co.uk/news/crime/appeal-after-car-damage-on-street-1-6080184
> 
> Anyone recognise this person?


 


At least the comments get to the point about how bloody stupid the paper is being.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 28, 2013)

Hocus Eye. said:


> It is probably a story from the West Country. In the summer there was some sort of campaign about gorillas using life sized plastic models of gorillas painted in silly patterns. This campaign or exhibition travelled around from Torbay to Exeter and I think it was going to Bristol. I was only aware of it but not sure what its purpose was unless it was something to do with the environment and threat to the survival of wild animals.
> 
> Edited to add: do a search on "Wow! Gorillas" for more information


Wow!Gorillas was a Bristol Zoo campaign. Celebrities painted plastic gorillas to highlight, you know, _stuff_ about monkeys and shit.

Timmy Mallett did one, which was rubbish, so someone set it on fire, so Timmy Mallet (who shares showbiz agents with millionaire mayor George Ferguson) repainted it.

Then a couple of years later the cops' gun shack gets torched. A coincidence? Think again...


----------



## Hocus Eye. (Sep 28, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> Wow!Gorillas was a Bristol Zoo campaign. Celebrities painted plastic gorillas to highlight, you know, _stuff_ about monkeys and shit.
> 
> Timmy Mallett did one, which was rubbish, so someone set it on fire, so Timmy Mallet (who shares showbiz agents with millionaire mayor George Ferguson) repainted it. Then a few months later the cops' gun shack gets torched. A coincidence? Think again...
> 
> View attachment 41228


Yes I know because I read about it on the internet. Strangely the original Wow! Gorilla thing was launched in 2011 in Bristol, but I saw plastic gorillas - some unpainted and white in a shop window in Torquay earlier this year and later a poster in Exeter on the same topic. They must have revived the campaign or something. There were some in London at the Barbican according to reports but no date given.

Yeah "monkeys and shit" seems to be the sum of it.


----------



## jakethesnake (Sep 28, 2013)

The gorrillas are in Exeter at the moment (some of them are pretty cool). They are big though, it would take a pretty determined group of people to nick one!


----------



## Hocus Eye. (Sep 28, 2013)

jakethesnake said:


> The gorrillas are in Exeter at the moment (some of them are pretty cool). They are big though, it would take a pretty determined group of people to nick one!


They are by definition Urban Gorillas.


----------



## Sprocket. (Sep 30, 2013)

I thought the Weekender was getting political when I saw the headline from a distance, sadly it is for a local lad who needs help.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 30, 2013)

I initially read that as 'Let's get Cameron Wanking'.

What a truly hideous mental image - brain bleach please.


----------



## bi0boy (Sep 30, 2013)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> View attachment 40471 The story is quite a serious one, but the picture they've used



Our one had a slightly better headline: "Goat sex man baa'd from every farm in UK jailed"


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 3, 2013)

*Councillor refuses to apologise to grandmother for calling her a "stupid old cow"*

http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/ne...andmother_for_calling_her_a__stupid_old_cow_/


----------



## krink (Oct 3, 2013)

this is where i got my avatar from:


* Naked neighbour ‘put me off men’ *

http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/local-news/naked-neighbour-put-men-4234612


----------



## Ponyutd (Oct 3, 2013)

*Bees to appeal Hive decision.*
Harrow Times today*.*


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 3, 2013)

krink said:


> this is where i got my avatar from:
> 
> 
> * Naked neighbour ‘put me off men’ *
> ...


 
If only I had a well-endowed neighbour who wandered around naked.  As long as they gave me notice so I could get my camera out.


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 4, 2013)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 13, 2013)

I don't know if this is genuine, but I hope that it is:


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 13, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> I don't know if this is genuine, but I hope that it is:
> 
> View attachment 41845


 
God they must be desperate for copy to report such a total non-issue like that!  Its like reporting on what type of paperclips the council buys. 

I was looking in Oxfam the other day and saw a book all about these daft local paper headlines - might have to pop back and buy it if it still there.


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 13, 2013)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 13, 2013)

Ground Elder said:


>


 
A rare bit of honesty!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 13, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> I don't know if this is genuine, but I hope that it is:
> 
> View attachment 41845



IT IS GENUINE.



> *Tables to be stacked differently by Llwchwr council*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


http://www.thisissouthwales.co.uk/T...chwr-council/story-18365075-detail/story.html


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 13, 2013)

It is things like that that make me feel sorry for people working on local rags.  Having to write up such pointless nonsense must be so dispiriting.

One of my favourites of recent years was when I went to Exeter for a work thing, and bought a copy of the local paper to see what was going on.  The front page headline was about a wheelie bin that had been set on fire. Oh my god, hold the front page!  Whereas at the time it was fairly common in to see front page headlines about shootings and stabbings in the Manchester Evening News.  A different world down there it seems.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 13, 2013)

WE'VE GOT OURSELVES A GUSHER!



> *Cutlery row after pensioners refused stainless steel teaspoons and told to use plastic*
> 
> A CUTLERY dispute has broken out in Loughor after town councillors refused to buy pensioners stainless steel spoons.
> 
> Mystery surrounds the disappearance of Loughor Old Age Pensioners Association's teaspoons, which members use while enjoying a cuppa at their Wednesday afternoon meetings.



http://www.thisissouthwales.co.uk/C...-use-plastic/story-12459521-detail/story.html


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 13, 2013)

HAPPY FINISH!



> *Businessman's donation ends row over pensioner's plastic spoons*
> A KIND-HEARTED businessman has dished out a set of stainless steel spoons for Loughor OAP Association after the town council said it would only give them plastic teaspoons.
> 
> The issue caused a stir for the pensioners after Llwchwr Council turned down the group's request to pay for stainless steel spoons.



http://www.thisissouthwales.co.uk/B...astic-spoons/story-12435944-detail/story.html


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 13, 2013)

COUNCIL U-TURN SHOCK:



> *Refund for hire of hall*
> A SWANSEA town council has voted to refund the hire cost of a public hall after determining that it was rented for a charity event.
> 
> Llwchwr Council has decided to return the cost of hiring its Welfare Hall to Chris Hughes and Ceiros Evans.



http://www.thisissouthwales.co.uk/Refund-hire-hall/story-15430478-detail/story.html


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 13, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> One of my favourites of recent years was when I went to Exeter for a work thing, and bought a copy of the local paper to see what was going on.  The front page headline was about a wheelie bin that had been set on fire. Oh my god, hold the front page!  Whereas at the time it was fairly common in to see front page headlines about shootings and stabbings in the Manchester Evening News.  A different world down there it seems.



But that just makes it feel like a proper break


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 13, 2013)

Some nice wording in those two. 

_"Mrs Evans accused the council of being tight with its finances and said they should not have to fork out for their own spoons."_

_"The storm in a teacup scenario arose after teaspoons started going missing from the hall."_


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 13, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> But that just makes it feel like a proper break


 
True - a much more peaceful place to Manchester.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 13, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> COUNCIL U-TURN SHOCK:
> 
> 
> 
> http://www.thisissouthwales.co.uk/Refund-hire-hall/story-15430478-detail/story.html


 
That is a very short article - three sentences.  It seems they must have got bored and didn't bother padding it out.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 13, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> That is a very short article - three sentences.  It seems they must have got bored and didn't bother padding it out.


You can't pad out perfection.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 13, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> You can't pad out perfection.


 
Brevity is key.

And the fact that there really isn't any more you could say about that one!


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Oct 14, 2013)

should have distilled it down to a haiku


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 14, 2013)

One of my favourite tweeters is Jason Evans, the Crime Correspondent of the _South Wales Evening Post_.

He knows that there are essentially three types of local newspaper story, two of which are covered by his patch. 

So, lots of these:



> *Jason Evans* ‏@*EvansTheCrime*
> If you are offered a safe (full of cash) by a bloke down the pub, police would like a call after one was nicked from Grosmont Post Office.
> 
> 11:24 AM - 10 Oct 13





> *Jason Evans* ‏@*EvansTheCrime*
> If you are offered a black Marin mountain bike by a bloke down the pub, police would like a call after one was stolen from a Brecon car park
> 
> 3:32 PM - 9 Oct 13





> *Jason Evans* ‏@*EvansTheCrime*
> If you are offered a red #*Honda* Formula K gokart by a bloke down the pub, police in Prestatyn would appreciate a call after one was stolen
> 
> 3:04 PM - 8 Oct 13





> *Jason Evans* ‏@*EvansTheCrime*
> If you are offered a red "Rascal" mobility scooter by a bloke down the pub, police in Prestatyn would appreciate a call after one was nicked
> 
> 1:19 PM - 7 Oct 13



...But also plenty of these:



> *Jason Evans* ‏@*EvansTheCrime*
> Watch out folks, the B4524 is closed between Ogmore-by-Sea and Southerndown after a two-vehicle accident. Police are on the scene.
> 
> 6:21 PM - 9 Oct 13





> *Jason Evans* ‏@*EvansTheCrime*
> Watch out folks, the A40 is closed between Llanwrda and Llangadog because of a lorry on fire. #*Carmarthenshire*
> 
> 10:51 AM - 9 Oct 13





> *Jason Evans* ‏@*EvansTheCrime*
> Watch out folks, we've got horses on the loose on Waunarlwydd Road in, well, Waunarlwydd actually. #*WildWestWaunarlwydd*
> 
> 9:08 AM - 9 Oct 13





> *Jason Evans* ‏@*EvansTheCrime*
> Watch out folks, the A482 closed between Lampeter and Temple Bar following a serious accident. Police on the scene. #*Ceredigion*
> 
> 9:39 AM - 6 Oct 13


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 14, 2013)




----------



## ddraig (Oct 16, 2013)

more from South Wales

Swansea City pooer sought! great photo to work from
http://www.southwales-eveningpost.c...on-regarding/story-19941128-detail/story.html


> “This kind of behaviour will not be accepted and I urge anyone with information to come forward.”
> 
> Readers of the Evening Post’s Facebook page have been quick to condemn the woman’s alleged actions.
> 
> ...


----------



## cyberfairy (Oct 16, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> It is things like that that make me feel sorry for people working on local rags.  Having to write up such pointless nonsense must be so dispiriting.
> 
> One of my favourites of recent years was when I went to Exeter for a work thing, and bought a copy of the local paper to see what was going on.  The front page headline was about a wheelie bin that had been set on fire. Oh my god, hold the front page!  Whereas at the time it was fairly common in to see front page headlines about shootings and stabbings in the Manchester Evening News.  A different world down there it seems.


As a lifelong fan of local newspapers it was an utter delight to move to London from Devon and have a local paper with murders in the national news. I felt somehow, I had made it.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 16, 2013)

ddraig said:


> more from South Wales
> 
> Swansea City pooer sought! great photo to work from
> http://www.southwales-eveningpost.c...on-regarding/story-19941128-detail/story.html


 
You missed the opportunity to post a picture of the headline!  How many times do you see the word 'pooing' in a paper?


----------



## ddraig (Oct 16, 2013)

true


----------



## ddraig (Oct 17, 2013)

more shit trouble!
South Wales Police call a community education programme about dog mess “Operation Irish”. 
http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/police-force-accused-racism-after-6196374

ace stock answer too


> The spokeswoman said: “This is an educational operation aimed as encouraging dog owners to be responsible. Operational names are randomly assigned to policing operations for administrative purposes. They do not in any way reflect the nature of the police activity or subject matter.
> 
> “It would never be our intention to offend and it is regrettable if that is the case.”


if that is the case!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 17, 2013)

Didn't they think using Irish as name for an operation about dog shit just might have been a problem!


----------



## ddraig (Oct 17, 2013)

they're not paid to think godnamit!!
"randomly assigned initiative names" are assigned randomly and can not be changed let alone challenged!


----------



## May Kasahara (Oct 25, 2013)

Not so much the headline with this one, but I laughed long and hard (sorry, caravan man) at the unfortunate series of circumstances that made it such a piece of piss to steal his caravan.

http://www.suttonguardian.co.uk/new...tated_after_caravan_stolen_in_broad_daylight/



> A neighbour saw the caravan being towed away from their home in Wendling Road, Carshalton, at 10.30am by a white Ford Transit van towards Westminster Road and towards Wrythe Lane. The caravan was not insured....The thieves rang his doorbell to check if the house was empty but it was not working and Mr Ray’s wife, who is partially deaf, was in the back garden at the time of the theft. Their dog Jake, a six-year-old springer spaniel, does not bark.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 25, 2013)

May Kasahara said:


> Not so much the headline with this one, but I laughed long and hard (sorry, caravan man) at the unfortunate series of circumstances that made it such a piece of piss to steal his caravan.
> 
> http://www.suttonguardian.co.uk/new...tated_after_caravan_stolen_in_broad_daylight/


 
Aside from the dodgy comments about travellers, this one sums it up!



> Why oh why wasn't it insured???? You insure your house, car etc.... wouldn't you have the sense to insure the caravan too? Ridiculous! Next time insure it and get a dog that barks!!! A very expensive lesson me thinks!


----------



## slightlytouched (Oct 25, 2013)

*World record bid for Solent crossing in pumpkin*


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 25, 2013)

May Kasahara said:


> Not so much the headline with this one, but I laughed long and hard (sorry, caravan man) at the unfortunate series of circumstances that made it such a piece of piss to steal his caravan.
> 
> http://www.suttonguardian.co.uk/new...tated_after_caravan_stolen_in_broad_daylight/


Not a newspaper headline, but this made me laugh when I read it the other day 
http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Caravan-f...D&orig_cvip=true&rt=nc&_trksid=p2047675.l2557


----------



## el-ahrairah (Oct 25, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> HAPPY FINISH!
> 
> 
> 
> http://www.thisissouthwales.co.uk/B...astic-spoons/story-12435944-detail/story.html



i didn;t know that there were any philanthropic capitalists left.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 25, 2013)

el-ahrairah said:


> i didn;t know that there were any philanthropic capitalists left.


 
Good job there are, otherwise those pensioners would have been despoondent. 

/ coat


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 26, 2013)

Tomorrow's _Sport_ headline currently doing the rounds is a bit


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Oct 26, 2013)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Good job there are, otherwise those pensioners would have been despoondent.
> 
> / coat


Fork off


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 26, 2013)

UH OH


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 26, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> Tomorrow's _Sport_ headline currently doing the rounds is a bit


 
I dread to think what that is...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 1, 2013)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 1, 2013)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> View attachment 42819


Shame thre's no photos of him gesticulating wildly though.


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Nov 2, 2013)

http://www.thecourier.co.uk/news/lo...h-dance-buffoonery-outside-pie-bob-s-1.147146



> *Man fined after penis flash dance ‘buffoonery’ outside Pie Bob’s*


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Nov 2, 2013)

Buddy Bradley said:


> http://www.thecourier.co.uk/news/lo...h-dance-buffoonery-outside-pie-bob-s-1.147146



The  best thing is that pie shops in Scotland have bouncers


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 2, 2013)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> The  best thing is that pie shops in Scotland have bouncers


 
To be fair I suppose it was a late night bakery, and the incident happened at 2.30am.  But I'm jealous that they have late night pie shops in Scotland.  I'd love to have that down here!


----------



## Ponyutd (Nov 12, 2013)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 13, 2013)

The latest from EvansTheCrime had to be split into two tweets:




*Jason Evans* ‏@*EvansTheCrime* 
If you are offered a pair of large wooden garden gates by a bloke down the pub... (1/2)

9:39 AM - 13 Nov 13 




*Jason Evans* ‏@*EvansTheCrime* 
...police in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch would appreciate a call following a theft. (2/2)

9:40 AM - 13 Nov 13


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 13, 2013)

I caught someone stealing my gate. I didn't say anything in case he took a fence


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 13, 2013)

If someone stole my gate, the first stop on my search for it would be the nearest fence.


----------



## CRI (Nov 13, 2013)

DaveCinzano said:


> If someone stole my gate, the first stop on my search for it would be the nearest fence.


Ho Ho!


----------



## CRI (Nov 13, 2013)

Not a headline, but a recent story from  the local radio station website where I used to live.

_The 35th annual White Squirrel census in Olney has been completed, with the results indicating 100 white squirrels and over 100 cats, along with over 1000 grey squirrels.  The census is conducted over a three-week period each fall in the same areas.  Last year’s census showed only 80 white squirrels.  Olney municipal records showed there were around 800 white squirrels in town in the early 1940s._

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olney,_Illinois


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 20, 2013)

*McDonald's apologises for playing prison rape rap song*

Proper local newspaper bizniz:



> ...Mr Davidson said: "I've never heard anything so obscene and vile. The bottom line is that it’s bordering on pornography.
> 
> "It certainly shouldn’t be playing in a restaurant where they sell Happy Meals to children.
> 
> ...



http://www.southwales-eveningpost.c...son-rape-rap/story-20105072-detail/story.html


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 21, 2013)

*Sue Marshall escapes serious injury when two cows crash through roof in Penzance*




> A woman escaped serious injury when two cows crashed through the roof of her workshop at her Penzance home while she was hoovering.


----------



## bi0boy (Nov 22, 2013)

*'Sad' fish slammed against window and stuffed through letterbox by youths after 'near-scuffle' with river staff in Cambridge*

http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/New...h-river-staff-in-Cambridge-20131121115834.htm


----------



## cyberfairy (Nov 22, 2013)

Strange letters in local newspapers are worthy of their own thread...

On wrong tracks

Can it perhaps be agreed that we are not (yet) Americans, and that the complex alongside the Friends Meeting House between Westbourne Road and West Road is Lancaster Railway Station; and running through this complex (occasionally) are trains on railway lines.

To follow the vernacular of our American cousins one might imagine this complex is some sort of gymnasium.

Anon

Torrisholme

Morecambe


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 22, 2013)




----------



## toggle (Nov 22, 2013)

Considering all the other news reports from Penryn in recent months, i'm supprised to see she didn't try to have sex with them.


----------



## bi0boy (Nov 27, 2013)

*Bath traffic: No reported incidents so far this evening*

Traffic is running reasonably freely around Bath this evening, with no major incidents to report.

There are some queues in the usual areas, including London Road, but this is down to volume of traffic.


http://www.bathchronicle.co.uk/Bath...-far-evening/story-20118574-detail/story.html


----------



## miniGMgoit (Dec 4, 2013)

Today's front page


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 4, 2013)

at least they didn't steal the bog while he was in the dog


----------



## jakejb79 (Dec 5, 2013)

Not so much the headline, but an innuendo if your dirty minded:

http://www.croydonguardian.co.uk/ne...ter_McDonalds_gives_him_cup_of_salt_to_drink/

He said: "I sucked hard on the straw in my milkshake because they're usually quite thick and - wallop! - I've got a about four teaspoons of salt in my mouth


----------



## grubby local (Dec 5, 2013)

genius thread ... the twatting heron headline made me laugh loudest for some reason, and special mention to the buxton advertiser 'chip pan fire/noodle' correction because I had my first job there and had to write that kind of shit. happy memories!
gx


----------



## isvicthere? (Dec 5, 2013)

My favourite one was made up by Viz. It was the story of a failed assassination attempt on Paul McCartney: TOP MOPTOP IN POT-SHOT PLOT FLOP.


----------



## N_igma (Dec 6, 2013)

BUS SHELTER STRANGLED BY RED TAPE!


----------



## Dan U (Dec 13, 2013)

http://www.dorkingandleatherheadadv...tmas-costume/story-20310068-detail/story.html


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 13, 2013)

What are the chances indeed.

http://www.exeterexpressandecho.co....rthday-cards/story-20319981-detail/story.html


----------



## rekil (Dec 14, 2013)

One for all you field fanciers out there.

Reprint of 'Field Names of Meath' book



> The book, printed in full colour, has a range of stunning photos of rural Meath showing many fields and interesting features within those fields.



Amazing what turns up in fields around here.


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 14, 2013)

tbh Mad Frankie Field has ruined fields for me


----------



## bi0boy (Dec 18, 2013)

*'Dancing' snowman stolen by man with boy wearing pink onesie near St Ives in late-night theft*


----------



## neonwilderness (Dec 18, 2013)

*Stolen plant pot holder was 'for aunt', thief told police*
http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/ne...der_was__for_aunt___thief_told_police/?ref=mr


----------



## neonwilderness (Dec 23, 2013)

Not quite a local newspaper headline, but still worth posting 

*Chuckle Brothers to guest edit Northern Echo*
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-25492678


----------



## Ponyutd (Dec 24, 2013)

We may have a winner.


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Dec 24, 2013)

neonwilderness said:


> Not quite a local newspaper headline, but still worth posting
> 
> *Chuckle Brothers to guest edit Northern Echo*
> http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-25492678


Genius!  I hope you are going to buy a copy! In fact buy two, one to read and one as a keepsake


----------



## Ponyutd (Dec 24, 2013)

Overheard in Waterstones in Kingston yesterday: "if it's not thin, he won't read it".


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 24, 2013)

neonwilderness said:


> Not quite a local newspaper headline, but still worth posting
> 
> *Chuckle Brothers to guest edit Northern Echo*
> http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-25492678


Expect a back page exclusive on rumours that Hebburn's star player is to transfer to Dunston:



> *TOOMEY TO U.T.S.?*


----------



## Ground Elder (Jan 8, 2014)

*Statistics reveal Bodmin is the pornography capital of Cornwall *
Which is good to know. There's even a map.


----------



## Chemical needs (Jan 15, 2014)

Hove couple shell-shocked by double-yolked eggs!!


----------



## DotCommunist (Jan 15, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


> Not quite a local newspaper headline, but still worth posting
> 
> *Chuckle Brothers to guest edit Northern Echo*
> http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-25492678



chucklist entryism


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 15, 2014)

DotCommunist said:


> chucklist entryism


They have a very hectic schedule, one minute editing papers, the next thwarting sex offenders


----------



## Ground Elder (Jan 23, 2014)

*Ghost ship full of diseased cannibal rats could crash into coast of Devon or Cornwall*

*Which should liven things up in time for Easter *

*http://www.westernmorningnews.co.uk...rash-Cornish/story-20487598-detail/story.html*


----------



## Ponyutd (Jan 23, 2014)

*Burglary victim from Hounslow tweets boxer Mike Tyson for help in catching suspect.*


----------



## Ponyutd (Jan 23, 2014)

Jon-of-arc said:


> Not sure this is quite what the thread is designed for, but the local hacks have made up the following story.  Clearly Betteridge's law needs to be invoked regarding the headline.  They've done 3 follow up pieces about this nonsense...


They should have a Dial-a-Croc line.


----------



## ska invita (Jan 24, 2014)

Fall in number of unemployed in York and North Yorkshire!
http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/10957673.Fall_in_number_of_unemployed_in_York_and_North_Yorkshire/

New figures by the Office of National Statistics, released yesterday, showed the number of people claiming JSA in York dropped in December to 2,127 – *a reduction of six from last month*, and only 1.6 per cent of those eligible for the benefit.


----------



## longdog (Jan 27, 2014)

It's not a headline as such but this story made me laugh like fuck.

The latest monthly instalment in the dismal tale of a total waste of human DNA but the last line is worth the ride 

http://www.hulldailymail.co.uk/Demo...laney-pleads/story-20502570-detail/story.html


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Feb 5, 2014)

"Lincolnshire builder drew a penis on a police officer's face using Snapchat and posted it on Facebook"

here


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 5, 2014)

Puddy_Tat said:


> "Lincolnshire builder drew a penis on a police officer's face using Snapchat and posted it on Facebook"
> 
> here








Love the URL of the _Mirror_'s story:

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/jordan-barrack-snapchat-penis-fine-3114485


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 6, 2014)

Fair play, it really is a _lovely_ cardy:


----------



## Me76 (Feb 8, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Fair play, it really is a _lovely_ cardy:


That is NEWS!!


----------



## miniGMgoit (Feb 9, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> View attachment 44939
> 
> What are the chances indeed.
> 
> http://www.exeterexpressandecho.co....rthday-cards/story-20319981-detail/story.html


God bless the Express and Echo.


----------



## billy_bob (Feb 9, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Fair play, it really is a _lovely_ cardy:



"Mr Roberts! Gareth bach, come back! You don't have to sniff it if you really don't want to!"


----------



## Ground Elder (Feb 16, 2014)

*Firefighters rescue woman from baked bean tin*


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Feb 17, 2014)

Old lady spotted walking on water. http://www.getwestlondon.co.uk/news/local-news/old-lady-spotted-walking-water-6702247

Except she isn't, shes walking through it.


----------



## Ponyutd (Feb 19, 2014)

*Drunk from Hampton Wick floods Kingston police cell with rage against the latrine*

*Surrey Comet.*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 19, 2014)

Ponyutd said:


> *rage against the latrine*



DOUBLEPLUSGOOD


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Feb 19, 2014)

Ponyutd said:


> *Drunk from Hampton Wick floods Kingston police cell with rage against the latrine*
> 
> *Surrey Comet.*


That is brilliant. Link?


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Feb 19, 2014)

Got it

http://www.surreycomet.co.uk/news/1...cell_with_rage_against_the_latrine/?ref=var_0


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 19, 2014)




----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Feb 19, 2014)

I like the fact it will be destroyed


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 19, 2014)

Boris Sprinkler said:


> I like the fact it will be destroyed


You can't be too careful with this sort of thing


----------



## Hocus Eye. (Feb 19, 2014)

Boris Sprinkler said:


> I like the fact it will be destroyed


I wonder what is the significance is of April 10th. Perhaps the fence whose post the hat is now on, is due to be demolished soon after that.


----------



## Ponyutd (Feb 19, 2014)

They were finding too many hats up trees, so they decided to put a cap on it.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 19, 2014)

Ponyutd said:


> They were finding too many hats up trees, so they decided to put a cap on it.


They've instituted an emberetgo.


----------



## ddraig (Feb 19, 2014)

beret good


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 20, 2014)




----------



## Bob_the_lost (Feb 20, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> View attachment 48869


Pants


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Feb 20, 2014)

don't get your knickers in a twist


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 20, 2014)

That's from the news-in-briefs.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Feb 21, 2014)

*Hopes, dreams or goldfish down the toilet - not on East Midlands Trains you don't*

from the Lincs Echo.

Here


----------



## red rose (Feb 21, 2014)

*Fisherman to undergo emergency surgery this weekend*






http://www.whtimes.co.uk/news/welwy...ergo_emergency_surgery_this_weekend_1_3346338


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 22, 2014)

*In Uzhgorod, a kiosk suffers from vandals (PHOTOS)*
21 February 2014 17:19 uzhgorod.in 779 2





The kiosk on S.Petofi Square is new but already broken by life, or rather, by vandals.

The glass is broken, everything around is covered with posters, and the kiosk itself, which clearly does not decorate the area, is empty.

It is not yet clear whether it is resistance against such structures in the city or plain vandalism.

But, what is important: damaging property is not a good thing, but it would be good if the appearance of the city remained aesthetically appealing (without such structures), especially if they do not perform their functions, but only take up space.

http://uzhgorod.in/en/news/2014/fevral/in_uzhgorod_a_kiosk_suffers_from_vandals_photos


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Feb 22, 2014)

This came through my door the other day... Marry Christmas? Bit late for that on the 10th of Feb...






still some of their news is bang up to date!!!






naughty popstrel?

This bloke looks proper naughty


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 22, 2014)

Do you have contact details for them, Spanky Longhorn? I think I need to get my CV to hotshots like that


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Feb 22, 2014)

even better they have no website and the editorial email address is a gmail account


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 22, 2014)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> even better they have no website and the editorial email address is a gmail account


Their social media strategy is that they _have no strategy_ - smart


----------



## Ponyutd (Feb 23, 2014)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 23, 2014)

Ponyutd said:


>


Oregon ducks - hard as fuck.


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 26, 2014)

*Woman fish slapped with large bream in Accrington Asda*

A SUPERMARKET worker was left ‘shaken up and embarrassed’ when she was slapped in the face with a fish by a customer.

http://www.thisislancashire.co.uk/n...ith_large_bream_in_Accrington_Asda/?ref=var_0


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Feb 26, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


> *Woman fish slapped with large bream in Accrington Asda*
> 
> A SUPERMARKET worker was left ‘shaken up and embarrassed’ when she was slapped in the face with a fish by a customer.
> 
> http://www.thisislancashire.co.uk/n...ith_large_bream_in_Accrington_Asda/?ref=var_0


Did the scales fall from her eyes at the realisation of the violence of today's youth?


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 26, 2014)

http://www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/local-news/no-suspicious-circumstances-over-man-6743438

'No suspicious circumstances' over man found on fire in graveyard


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Feb 26, 2014)

> Two armed men got more than they bargained for when they entered the Kwik Shop at 40th and A streets with handguns drawn early Saturday morning.
> 
> Inside, two Lincoln police officers were buying coffee at 3:30 a.m. while their cars were parked outside, police Capt. Jim Davidsaver said.
> 
> "I can't speak for their power of observation," he said of the would-be robbers.



http://journalstar.com/news/local/9...cle_d551201c-9bd5-11e3-b592-0019bb2963f4.html

Doh!


----------



## Ground Elder (Mar 4, 2014)

Rod's spirit lives on  
*Emu puppet attack in Truro - police investigating *


----------



## May Kasahara (Mar 4, 2014)

A headline writer's dream


----------



## neonwilderness (Mar 5, 2014)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 5, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


>


Poor reporting - we need to know what flavour they were! These details are important.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Mar 6, 2014)

"I'll never get over him cheating on me...with my dog"

here


----------



## MrSki (Mar 6, 2014)

Not off the paper but heard it on the radio about four O'clock this morning.



> An Australian man has been rescued by police after getting lost in his own garden, while investigating what he thought was a wild dog, it's been reported.
> 
> The man, identified as "self-confessed idiot Jason", by Darwin's NT News, was eventually located 300m (330 yards) from his house. Jason says he had been watching TV and having a few beers when his dog became agitated. He thought he saw a dingo and went outside into his 8ha (20 acre) property to look for it.
> 
> ...


----------



## iona (Mar 6, 2014)

Brighton man freed from behind wardrobe was scared by spider 

There is also a short article on my local paper's website about the Bizarre theft of a postbox in Etchingham, complete with a picture of a postbox with the caption "A postbox, like the one stolen in Etchingham"


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 7, 2014)

iona said:


> Brighton man freed from behind wardrobe was scared by spider
> 
> <snip>



The firemen should have came to rescue him dressed up as spiders.  That would have taught him a lesson in not wasting their time.


----------



## Ponyutd (Mar 13, 2014)

*Missing woman joins search party looking for herself.*


*Toronto Sun.(Not local I know)*


----------



## Hocus Eye. (Mar 13, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> The firemen should have came to rescue him dressed up as spiders.  That would have taught him a lesson in not wasting their time.


He should be made to pay the costs of the call out. They have a standard charge for being called out for things like people being locked out and who want them to use their "big key" to release them.


----------



## chandlerp (Mar 13, 2014)

Ponyutd said:


> *Missing woman joins search party looking for herself.*
> 
> *Toronto Sun.(Not local I know)*



Depends where you are


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 16, 2014)

A total non-story in the Manchester Evening News - they must be scrabbling around for copy to fill the paper. 






The bloke in the main picture is actually the reporter as well.


----------



## Ponyutd (Mar 20, 2014)




----------



## Puddy_Tat (Mar 24, 2014)

"Eating roadkill could be poisonous" - again from the Lincs Echo.  

(((Roadkill )))


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Mar 24, 2014)

Bromley woman who is 'god of alien race' was 'engaged to Arsene Wenger in the 15th century'

here

from the SE London 'News Shopper'

(I think I've seen stories involving her before - I think they give her a call when they need to fill space...)


----------



## Orang Utan (Mar 24, 2014)




----------



## iona (Mar 25, 2014)

Puddy_Tat said:


> Bromley woman who is 'god of alien race' was 'engaged to Arsene Wenger in the 15th century'
> 
> here
> 
> ...


 
I love this line 


> She added aliens believe UKIP members are "misguided".


----------



## butchersapron (Apr 4, 2014)




----------



## Voley (Apr 5, 2014)

Plus: Free Sausage Roll.


----------



## barney_pig (Apr 5, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> View attachment 42819


Would've fitted right in in waitrose.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 5, 2014)

barney_pig said:


> Would've fitted right in in waitrose.


Never Knowingly Untermensch?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 5, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


>



Successfully putting me off eating Quavers ever again.


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 5, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Successfully putting me off eating Quavers ever again.


But not noshing dogs off


----------



## TodayIsCaturday (Apr 10, 2014)

http://www.torquayheraldexpress.co....eat-Paignton/story-16603995-detail/story.html


----------



## Roadkill (Apr 12, 2014)

A cracking story in the Hull Daily Mail today: a dominatrix is 'distraught' at having had to be rescued by the fire brigade from what was evidently an illegal massage parlour, after the landlord had the place boarded up without realising. 

I'm surprised by this for three reasons.  Firstly, I live just off Princes Avenue and drink in the bars there - including one right opposite - and yet have never heard anything about it.  Secondly, 'Prinny Ave' is trendy, gentrified and busy, and not an obvious place for a knocking shop: there are plenty of them in Hull, but mainly in the slightly dodgy area around Hessle Road.  Thirdly, it's right above a 24-hour shop, where you'd think someone would hear it!


----------



## Ground Elder (Apr 12, 2014)

On my phone so can't find the link,  but disturbed by yesterday's  West Briton headline "man had wood in trousers and intended to use it"


----------



## toggle (Apr 12, 2014)

Ground Elder said:


> On my phone so can't find the link,  but disturbed by yesterday's  West Briton headline "man had wood in trousers and intended to use it"


http://www.falmouthpacket.co.uk/new...od_in_his_trousers____and_would_have_used_it/


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 12, 2014)

Does DotCommunist 's mum live in Northampton?
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-new...ctured-urinating-3403904#.U0mjTGK6lqo.twitter


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 12, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Does DotCommunist 's mum live in Northampton?
> http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/police-hunt-woman-pictured-urinating-3403904#.U0mjTGK6lqo.twitter



Now that's what you call classy!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 12, 2014)

toggle said:


> http://www.falmouthpacket.co.uk/new...od_in_his_trousers____and_would_have_used_it/



They MUST have realised what that really meant when they wrote that headline!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 13, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Does DotCommunist 's mum live in Northampton?
> http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-new...ctured-urinating-3403904#.U0mjTGK6lqo.twitter


I like the Peter Dinklage story flagged just below:



> Epic fantasy series actor also revealed he loves hummus


----------



## DotCommunist (Apr 13, 2014)

you laugh but this is what happens when one county is dumped upon from a great height. Possibly poor choice of words there. But I mean that they've slashed all social provision as normal but we have also since the kosovo crises been the go-to county to ship shell shocked fugees to. Dunno this womans story but the towns a mess, and thats despite many 'community in exile' type unofficial orgs looking after themselves. I think I know why it happens, the central planning bods go 'oh  man thats a huge county and no one lives there' THATS COS ITS MASSIVELY RURAL outside of certain industries.

Personally I';d have crapped on the stairs of the fucking crown court, but power to her arm.


----------



## barney_pig (Apr 13, 2014)

http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/local-news/ten-year-old-girl-released-swing-second-6981197
*Ten-year-old girl released from swing for second time in Harmans Water*


----------



## ddraig (Apr 15, 2014)

proper likely story!! 
http://www.southwales-eveningpost.c...tory-20958773-detail/story.html#ixzz2yxXl1d6N


> Jones handed himself in to police four days later, telling officers: "It was a stupid thing I did, he's selling drugs to kids."
> 
> In his interview the 18-year-old said he wanted to take the man's cannabis supply from him because he had been told he was selling drugs to 13-year-olds. During the burglary, which he pleaded guilty to, his accomplice stole a hammer, a bottle of whisky and an Xbox console.
> 
> ...


----------



## pinkmonkey (Apr 15, 2014)

Cheese thieves in Haringey. 

http://www.haringeyindependent.co.uk/news/11143915.Lavish_thieves_steal_expensive_cheeses/?ref=mr


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Apr 15, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> I like the Peter Dinklage story flagged just below:



also this bit in the story just made wine come out of my nose all over the cat (which I realise could be a headline in itself)



> Witness Kevin Mabbutt took the picture before posting it on Facebook.
> 
> He said: "I just couldn't believe it. I can't understand how anyone could do something so horrible.
> 
> ...


http://ec.tynt.com/b/rf?id=dndq0sFGyr34avadbi-bnq&u=DailyMirror


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Apr 15, 2014)

Lost kid is found stuck in toy claw machine:



> Kael, 3, slipped out of his 24-year-old mother’s apartment through an unlocked door about 5:30 Monday evening while she was in the bathroom, Lincoln Police Officer Katie Flood said in an email.
> 
> He walked across the street to Madsen’s Bowling & Billiards, slipped into the building unnoticed, crawled up the chute of a claw machine game and started, well, playing.









http://journalstar.com/news/local/9...cle_e26b3158-1bd6-5319-89de-4752baadc97c.html

LOL


----------



## T & P (Apr 15, 2014)

Good for him. Those machines are not just rigged, but legally so. They are programmed so the claw is underpowered and fails to grab onto anything 9 out of every 10 times. And the prizes are shit anyway.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Apr 15, 2014)

T & P said:


> Good for him. Those machines are not just rigged, but legally so. They are programmed so the claw is underpowered and fails to grab onto anything 9 out of every 10 times. And the prizes are shit anyway.



We have a place called a "fun club" that has nothing but gambling machines like that for children.  There's this machine where you bounce a token on a spinning platter and into a slot on moving train.  I got so good at it that they told me not to come back.  

(Who said that university doesn't pay off?  I learned how to bounce quarters accurately in a college drinking game, with a neat little "roll it off your nose" technique.)


----------



## skyscraper101 (Apr 15, 2014)

Little Rooney, 3, told he can't have his name on an Easter egg because it would breach copyright


----------



## barney_pig (Apr 16, 2014)

http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/fire-crews-rescue-cat-kitchen-6988609
*Fire crews rescue cat from kitchen fire in Tilehurst*


----------



## barney_pig (Apr 16, 2014)

Reading post just keeps on giving
http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/local-news/one-dinosaurs-missing-oracle-shopping-6994708
*One of our dinosaurs is missing from The Oracle Shopping Centre*


----------



## cyberfairy (Apr 18, 2014)

Technically a column headline but it came on on Lancaster Guardian's front page on the website...
*Allan Blackburn column*
It was 11 years ago this week that we decided to change the centre’s name slightly from GB Antiques Centre to GB Antiques and Furniture Centre.


----------



## skyscraper101 (Apr 18, 2014)

barney_pig said:


> Reading post just keeps on giving
> http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/local-news/one-dinosaurs-missing-oracle-shopping-6994708
> *One of our dinosaurs is missing from The Oracle Shopping Centre*




getreading.co.uk - I see what they did there.


----------



## neonwilderness (Apr 27, 2014)




----------



## T & P (Apr 28, 2014)

The headline itself isn't that bad, but the Evening Standard today decided that viewers no longer being able to look up Susanna Reid's skirt on TV is front page news. And expanded on the subject for a further full page, actually suggesting the new ITV breakfast show is a flop because Susanna sits behind a desk and no one can't see her legs, which at the end of the day "are her best assets". I kid you fucking not


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 1, 2014)

Full story: 

http://www.bathchronicle.co.uk/250-...ming-obscene/story-21043110-detail/story.html


----------



## red rose (May 1, 2014)

> During an interview for the BBC, Bell regular Gary is seen walking behind Mr Farage making an obscene gesture with his hand - *nicknamed the Farage Wave *- before walking into the pub.


----------



## red rose (May 1, 2014)




----------



## DaveCinzano (May 2, 2014)

> *Resource Limit Is Reached*
> The website is temporarily unable to service your request as it exceeded resource limit. Please try again later.  Apache Server at www.thebellinnbath.co.uk Port 80





http://www.thebellinnbath.co.uk/component/content/article/2-uncategorised/46-buy-gary-a-pint


----------



## eatmorecheese (May 2, 2014)

*Man arrested for masturbating on Croydon bus from Thornton Heath to New Addington*

http://www.croydonguardian.co.uk/news/11180429.Man_arrested_for_masturbating_on_Croydon_bus/

He should have stopped at Whitehorse Road


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 2, 2014)

eatmorecheese said:


> *Man arrested for masturbating on Croydon bus from Thornton Heath to New Addington*
> 
> http://www.croydonguardian.co.uk/news/11180429.Man_arrested_for_masturbating_on_Croydon_bus/
> 
> He should have stopped at Whitehorse Road


It was you wasn't it?


----------



## eatmorecheese (May 2, 2014)

farmerbarleymow said:


> It was you wasn't it?


----------



## skyscraper101 (May 2, 2014)




----------



## neonwilderness (May 5, 2014)

*Rubbish fire in Chapel-en-le-Frith*

http://www.buxtonadvertiser.co.uk/news/local/rubbish-fire-in-chapel-en-le-frith-1-6597874


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 5, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


> *Rubbish fire in Chapel-en-le-Frith*
> 
> http://www.buxtonadvertiser.co.uk/news/local/rubbish-fire-in-chapel-en-le-frith-1-6597874


Erm, that's what you call in in depth article.


----------



## May Kasahara (May 7, 2014)

http://www.suttonguardian.co.uk/news/11197276.Dog_with_big_nipples_feared_stolen/?ref=var_0


----------



## cyberfairy (May 7, 2014)

May Kasahara said:


> http://www.suttonguardian.co.uk/news/11197276.Dog_with_big_nipples_feared_stolen/?ref=var_0


I feel bad for sniggering over the big nippled dog. Bought this today from charity shop...http://www.amazon.co.uk/Whitstable-...1399493894&sr=8-2&keywords=custard+whitstable


----------



## MrSki (May 7, 2014)

eatmorecheese said:


> *Man arrested for masturbating on Croydon bus from Thornton Heath to New Addington*
> 
> http://www.croydonguardian.co.uk/news/11180429.Man_arrested_for_masturbating_on_Croydon_bus/
> 
> He should have stopped at Whitehorse Road


Seems there are wankers all over the bus network!

*Harringay man jailed for masturbating next to girl, 13, on London bus*
http://www.tottenhamjournal.co.uk/n...ating_next_to_girl_13_on_london_bus_1_3589432


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 9, 2014)

A handy collection of top headlines from the _Ham & High_ here:


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 9, 2014)

tbf public masturbaters are pretty much one step away from rapists.



And this one...



MrSki said:


> Seems there are wankers all over the bus network!
> *Harringay man jailed for masturbating next to girl, 13, on London bus*
> http://www.tottenhamjournal.co.uk/news/crime-court/harringay_man_jailed_for_masturbating_next_to_girl_13_on_london_bus_1_3589432



Is a trainee paedo-rapist.

Nice.


----------



## Maggot (May 10, 2014)




----------



## Maggot (May 10, 2014)

Mmmm, sausage rolls.


----------



## gabi (May 14, 2014)

Local paper advert fuckup from downunder. Top work.


----------



## skyscraper101 (May 14, 2014)

gabi said:


> Local paper advert fuckup from downunder. Top work.



What happens when you click it?


----------



## skyscraper101 (May 14, 2014)

This, from one of my local rags


----------



## gabi (May 14, 2014)

What she doing with her arms? Bein searched?

Looks amazing though, like her style.


----------



## cyberfairy (May 16, 2014)

.


----------



## cyberfairy (May 16, 2014)

*Pair stole sweets in drunken argument, court told*

*http://www.thewestmorlandgazette.co...weets_in_drunken_argument__court_told/?ref=ar*


----------



## quiet guy (May 16, 2014)

gabi said:


> What she doing with her arms? Bein searched?
> 
> Looks amazing though, like her style.



No she's taking the selfie photo for her own advert


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 17, 2014)

skyscraper101 said:


> This, from one of my local rags



I initially read that as 'dopiest'.


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 17, 2014)

skyscraper101 said:


> This, from one of my local rags



http://lasdopestattorney.com/


----------



## cyberfairy (May 18, 2014)

*Drunk female in flowery dress accused of alleged shoplifting after thefts from off-licences, say police*

*http://www.thewestmorlandgazette.co..._thefts_from_off_licences__say_police/?ref=mr*


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 20, 2014)

Another day, another _NT News_ classic:



> *Drunk driver’s ‘f***ing leave me alone you cop c***s’ receives poor reception from police after he is pulled over in mum’s car*



http://www.ntnews.com.au/news/north...over-in-mums-car/story-fnk0b1zt-1226923683904

Any chance of a pic of any posters with this on, miniGMgoit?


----------



## miniGMgoit (May 20, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> Another day, another _NT News_ classic:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Sadly I left the NT back in January. There's not a day that passes where I don't regret it. I have never been happier in a place than up there.


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 20, 2014)

miniGMgoit said:


> Sadly I left the NT back in January.








NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!


----------



## miniGMgoit (May 20, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!


Sadly yes, with my partner no longer being able to work we were forced to leave due to the extraordinarily high cost of living up there. He also needed better health care as it's not great either. We went up for a friends wedding over the weekend. Had so much fun, caught up with so many wonderful people. I may go back one day.


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 20, 2014)

miniGMgoit said:


> Sadly yes, with my partner no longer being able to work we were forced to leave due to the extraordinarily high cost of living up there. He also needed better health care as it's not great either. We went up for a friends wedding over the weekend. Had so much fun, caught up with so many wonderful people. I may go back one day.


That's a bit pants, sorry, I didn't realise - still, who knows what the future may hold 

ETA

Probably the _NT News_ horoscope writer:



> It's going to be fucken hot so wear shorts ya fucken hoons!


----------



## dessiato (May 20, 2014)

From the website rather than from the print edition: http://www.ntnews.com.au/news/only-...er-up-my-clacker/story-fnk2tg5d-1226744991457

It reminded me of when my cousin set fire to himself trying to light his own farts, in his father's garage. No lasting harm was done.


----------



## dessiato (May 20, 2014)

*Drunk driver’s ‘f***ing leave me alone you cop c***s’ receives poor reception from police after he is pulled over in mum’s car*

http://www.ntnews.com.au/news/north...over-in-mums-car/story-fnk0b1zt-1226923683904


----------



## miniGMgoit (May 20, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> That's a bit pants, sorry, I didn't realise - still, who knows what the future may hold
> 
> ETA
> 
> Probably the _NT News_ horoscope writer:


hahaha, it's such a funny place and is only enriched by the presence of the NT News


----------



## miniGMgoit (May 20, 2014)

dessiato said:


> *Drunk driver’s ‘f***ing leave me alone you cop c***s’ receives poor reception from police after he is pulled over in mum’s car*
> 
> http://www.ntnews.com.au/news/north...over-in-mums-car/story-fnk0b1zt-1226923683904


See a few posts above


----------



## Citizen66 (May 20, 2014)

Police shocked after parents give sandwiches to children at illegal rave

http://www.centralsomersetgazette.c...hes-children/story-21105026-detail/story.html


----------



## ddraig (May 20, 2014)

fuckin ace  !!


----------



## T & P (May 20, 2014)

Maggot said:


> Mmmm, sausage rolls.


Who wouldn't kill their mum for a free sausage roll?


----------



## Ground Elder (May 20, 2014)

Dog loses testicles after being attacked by woman in Bodmin


----------



## ddraig (May 20, 2014)

poor doggy!


----------



## trabuquera (May 21, 2014)




----------



## DaveCinzano (May 21, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> I like the Peter Dinklage story flagged just below:
> 
> 
> 
> > Epic fantasy series actor also revealed he loves hummus



Missed the potential of this first time round...

How about:

*“IT'S ALL ABOUT ELF FOOD” SAYS TAHINI TINY *


----------



## DotCommunist (May 21, 2014)

theres no elves in GoT


----------



## neonwilderness (May 23, 2014)

*Polling station sign held in place - by an old pair of boots and a brick*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/south-moor-polling-station-sign-7162278


----------



## neonwilderness (May 26, 2014)

*Thousands of bees move into Darlington street*

http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/ne..._of_bees_move_into_Darlington_street/?ref=mry



> We did not notice the swarm at first, I finished work and came home as normal.
> 
> Next thing you know, we were getting a knock at the door from a beekeeper.


----------



## T & P (May 27, 2014)




----------



## neonwilderness (May 27, 2014)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 27, 2014)

T & P said:


>


To be fair, that would piss me right off if I had loads of frozen food.


----------



## trabuquera (May 27, 2014)

Cold fury, then...


----------



## tufty79 (May 27, 2014)

this stuck with me from last year..


----------



## MrSki (May 31, 2014)




----------



## Puddy_Tat (May 31, 2014)

Petts Wood Labrador spends weekend reading News Shopper with a pint - full story here






Man misses bus, so stands in road and then argues with Bexleyheath police - more here

(and then he realised the bus he was stood in front of wasn't his bus anyway...


----------



## MrSki (Jun 2, 2014)




----------



## May Kasahara (Jun 5, 2014)

This thread is my favourite ever part of the internet


----------



## Ground Elder (Jun 5, 2014)

Penzance teenager prised free from granite posts by firefighters


----------



## Zapp Brannigan (Jun 5, 2014)

Not convinced she's a teenager tbh.


----------



## CRI (Jun 6, 2014)

Not a headline, but story from the website of the local radio station where I come from. 

*Headlines for Thursday, May 29, 2014*




A Cisne man was arrested Wednesday afternoon for DUI after police found him passed out behind the wheel of his Ford Explorer with a can of industrial strength aerosol dust off up to his face. Scott D. Land, 42 faces a charge of DUI-drugs for allegedly inhaling the substance.  When a Wayne County Sheriff’s deputy responded to a driveway on N.W. 7th Street in Fairfield around 4:45 Wednesday afternoon, Land was said to be “unresponsive”.  Police snapped a couple of photos of Land with the can of aerosol up to his face before trying to wake him.  Once awake, police stated that Land sprayed the substance into his mouth and shouted “Yaaaaaaa Hooooooo!”  The deputy then grabbed the can out of Land’s hand and threw it to the ground. Land refused to submit to a blood or urine analysis at Fairfield Memorial Hospital and was booked at the county jail for DUI Drugs.


----------



## rekil (Jun 6, 2014)

Jeremy Vine incurs the disdain of the Meath Chronicle.



Spoiler: BBC2's "Egghead" Pronunciation of Navan








(It's Nyaavan Jeremy, and Meath rhymes with seethe)

Not so much the headline but the valiant attempt to tart up the story with a human sacrifice angle.

Athboy discovery could be 3,000 year old baby


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 6, 2014)

copliker said:


> Jeremy Vine incurs the disdain of the Meath Chronicle.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm slightly perturbed that 10 out of 17 front page stories are obituaries 

http://www.meathchronicle.ie/news/


----------



## butchersapron (Jun 6, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> I'm slightly perturbed that 10 out of 17 front page stories are obituaries



Did i just pass you sitting outside the bookshop?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 6, 2014)

butchersapron said:


> Did i just pass you sitting outside the bookshop?


For reasons of national security I can neither confirm nor deny that


----------



## rekil (Jun 6, 2014)

*Man held up bookies ‘with a plastic bag’*



> A DUBLIN man tried to hold up a betting shop while pointing a plastic bag at staff and shouting: “You know the drill - hand over the money.”


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 6, 2014)

copliker said:


> *Man held up bookies ‘with a plastic bag’*


Blates


----------



## mr steev (Jun 10, 2014)

*Anyone who fears the people of the Black Country don’t care about their heritage should think again*
http://www.expressandstar.com/edito...care-about-their-heritage-should-think-again/

WTF?  The headline doesn't even make sense, let alone have any relevance to the article (about archiving the papers photographs). I think someone has had a liquid breakfast!


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Jun 10, 2014)

mr steev said:


> *Anyone who fears the people of the Black Country don’t care about their heritage should think again*
> http://www.expressandstar.com/edito...care-about-their-heritage-should-think-again/
> 
> WTF?  The headline doesn't even make sense, let alone have any relevance to the article (about archiving the papers photographs). I think someone has had a liquid breakfast!


 
??? what's wrong with it???


----------



## mr steev (Jun 10, 2014)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> ??? what's wrong with it???



No one fears that people of the black country don't care about their heritage (quite the opposite in fact. It's pretty common knowledge that there is a lot of pride) - and the archiving is being done by a newspaper digitising their photos, hardly a community action

Tbh, I did read it wrong a couple of times. Surely though the headline should've just said 'newspaper archives photos' or similar


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 11, 2014)

http://www.westerndailypress.co.uk/...uthbert-8217/story-21218416-detail/story.html


----------



## trabuquera (Jun 12, 2014)

Not actually a newspaper, but this may possibly be the most hipster newyorkese URL OF ALL TIME...

http://gawker.com/zombie-bees-terrorize-bushwick-1589822718


----------



## Pickman's model (Jun 12, 2014)

there's been some great ones in the hackney gazette. i'll have to dig out some of them for you.


----------



## MrSki (Jun 13, 2014)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 13, 2014)

Not local, and not particularly funny, but still:


----------



## neonwilderness (Jun 13, 2014)

*Peppa Pig detained at Customs - leaving St Neots playgroup without the star of their summer fundraiser*

http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/Hun...r-fundraiser-20140613070057.htm#ixzz34We60rIx


----------



## Ground Elder (Jun 23, 2014)

Kinderling


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 24, 2014)

_A Bristol couple are furious after their local Aldi store sold out of a posh steak promotion within minutes.


The budget chain made headlines last week with an upmarket promotion to woo middle class shoppers with wagyu beef steaks.


But many shoppers who flocked to stores throughout the country on the opening day found supplies had run out within minutes of the doors opening.


Former librarian Marion Webb, of Bristol, who woke up early specifically to buy the steaks from her local branch in Bedminster with her husband Derek, 83.


They arrived at the store at 8.25am only to find the steaks sold out - despite the store being open for just 25 minutes.


Mrs Webb said: "We set the alarm for 7:30am. We postponed our usual shower and headed straight out after having our breakfast.


"I was very disappointed to find they didn't have any when we arrived at 9 o'clock. We were told the wagyu had sold out a 8.25am but they only opened at 8am.


"I asked them how many steaks they had and they said they only got given three boxes.


"We were put on to customer services but they weren't having it because the small print says there was no guarantee of it being available.


"The print was so small we had to read the disclaimer with a microscope.


"When we see a bargain we go for it. I said I would claim my steak or stake my claim. We did our shopping elsewhere."_

http://www.bristolpost.co.uk/Bristo...t-sells-posh/story-21278038-detail/story.html


----------



## Onket (Jun 24, 2014)




----------



## trabuquera (Jun 25, 2014)

http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20140624/BLOG41/140629579:
(Washington state, NW USA I believe): 

*Screaming man found with dead raccoon in Mukilteo*
Herald Staff
MUKILTEO — A dead raccoon was taken into police custody last week after officers found a man dragging the animal along the Mukilteo Speedway. Someone called 911 on Thursday to report the man screaming, according to the Mukilteo police blotter. Officers found the man walking, dragging the dead raccoon on a leash. When they approached the man, he placed marshmallows around the animal and declared it a “haz mat” or hazardous materials zone. The raccoon was taken to a local shelter for disposal. The man was last seen getting on the bus.


----------



## miniGMgoit (Jun 26, 2014)

Latest from NT News (God damn I wish I was still there so much)


*Crocodile has teddy bear as afternoon snack*







Full story here


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 5, 2014)

*Police called to row at Metrocentre buffet restaurant over the mussels*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/police-called-row-metrocentre-buffet-7366246


----------



## Orang Utan (Jul 6, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


> *Police called to row at Metrocentre buffet restaurant over the mussels*
> 
> http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/police-called-row-metrocentre-buffet-7366246


the last bit is priceless:
"They are not harmful but do not taste good and are often removed in what is said to be a tug-of-war between the chef and the mussel." BY WHO?


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 6, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> the last bit is priceless:
> "They are not harmful but do not taste good and are often removed in what is said to be a tug-of-war between the chef and the mussel." BY WHO?


No one ever apart from the reporter


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Jul 6, 2014)

Parishe lol


----------



## Fez909 (Jul 7, 2014)




----------



## CRI (Jul 7, 2014)

Slow news day clearly.


----------



## Enviro (Jul 8, 2014)

Mutant rats take over Ashdown Forset


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Jul 9, 2014)

Maybe we need a national newspaper headlines thread as well

*Drunken mum in violent wedding rampage after pensioner pops balloons near sleeping daughter *

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/drunken-mum-violent-wedding-rampage-3834239#ixzz36zxhl4yc


----------



## iona (Jul 9, 2014)

Enviro said:


> Mutant rats take over Ashdown Forset



Brilliant, that's just down the road from me and I've been given the job of dealing with the rats behind where I work


----------



## trabuquera (Jul 14, 2014)

*Whaley Historic House Museum to show exhibit about nineteenth-century undergarments*

FLINT, Michigan -- The Whaley Historic House Museum gives its visitors a glimpse into how Flint residents lived in the Gilded Age, and a new exhibit will showcase an even more intimate side of their day-to-day lives. Starting next weekend, the museum will showcase "Shh! Let's Talk About Those Unmentionables," an exhibit that tracks the evolution of undergarments. Visitors to the exhibit will learn about the undergarments that children put on their dolls, the controversy over corsets during the latter half of the nineteenth century, and how different the process of getting dressed was for Gilded Age Americans.

http://www.mlive.com/entertainment/flint/index.ssf/2014/07/whaley_historic_house_museum_t_2.html

(Something tells me the museum is soon likely to be surprised by an unexpected number of, um, 'niche' visitors who want to touch the corsets.)


----------



## jakethesnake (Jul 14, 2014)

Dead chicken makes Exeter communal gardens no go zone for children

http://www.exeterexpressandecho.co....tory-21461223-detail/story.html#ixzz37SHip4Y8


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 14, 2014)

Bike stolen outside chip shop

http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/11337715.Bike_stolen_outside_chip_shop/?ref=mry


----------



## chandlerp (Jul 14, 2014)

That dead chicken one has reminded me of an absolutely awesome story from my local paper

http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/anfield-tribute-to-dead-chicken-3526780


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jul 15, 2014)

Warren Buffett and Paul McCartney go for a walk in Omaha:





http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs...photo-with-warren-buffett-and-paul-mccartney/

You know you live in the most boring place in the world when this is the headline in the news.


----------



## DotCommunist (Jul 15, 2014)

buffet by name buffet lover by nature by the looks of him

Pauls looking old these days.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jul 15, 2014)

DotCommunist said:


> buffet by name buffet lover by nature by the looks of him
> 
> Pauls looking old these days.



When you're worth $60 billion I'd image you can afford as many buffets are you want.

(I hope you look as good at 83 and 72, respectively.)


----------



## ddraig (Jul 15, 2014)




----------



## trabuquera (Jul 15, 2014)

*Connecticut man arrested after stabbing watermelon*

BANTAM, Connecticut >> A Thomaston man is accused of stabbing a watermelon with a butcher knife and leaving it in the kitchen for a woman to see, in what police describe as a “passive aggressive” swipe that landed him in custody. She was unnerved by what she perceived to be a menacing gesture directed at her and reported it to police.

FULL STORY: http://www.registercitizen.com/gene...ed-with-threatening-after-stabbing-watermelon


----------



## Roadkill (Jul 15, 2014)

It's raining maggots on Chanterlands Avenue!






PEOPLE walking under an overhead railway bridge have been forced to dodge hundreds of inch-long maggots.

The maggots appeared on the footpath and a wall under the bridge across Chanterlands Avenue, west Hull, over the weekend.

They are believed to have come from the rotting bodies of pigeons caught in netting under the bridge.

One passer-by, who did not wish to be named,

said: “It was just like something out of a horror film, it was disgusting.”

The netting was installed last year in an attempt to prevent pigeons roosting on the bridge’s supporting structure above the footpaths on either side of the road.

Councillor John Abbott, who represents the Bricknell ward, said: “I have asked officers to look into it.

"The netting was meant to protect people underneath from pigeon mess but this sounds even worse.”


----------



## jakethesnake (Jul 15, 2014)

Next takes baby grow covered in 'penis drawings' off shelves

http://www.leicestermercury.co.uk/t...tory-21464611-detail/story.html#ixzz37Z4Ai4N7


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 21, 2014)

*Mystery safe found buried in a Gateshead garden is ... empty*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/mystery-safe-found-buried-gateshead-7424650


----------



## T & P (Jul 21, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


> *Mystery safe found buried in a Gateshead garden is ... empty*
> 
> http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/mystery-safe-found-buried-gateshead-7424650



Good idea. If I had a safe I would bury it in the garden, with a print-out of the image below left inside


----------



## tufty79 (Jul 21, 2014)




----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 22, 2014)

*Anger after OAP injured in fall over ‘faulty’ pavement*

http://www.shieldsgazette.com/news/...njured-in-fall-over-faulty-pavement-1-6742371


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 22, 2014)

*Flock of seagulls brings court to a standstill*

http://www.shieldsgazette.com/news/crime/flock-of-seagulls-brings-court-to-a-standstill-1-6738330


----------



## trabuquera (Jul 22, 2014)

O RLY?


----------



## Santino (Jul 23, 2014)

Rescuers cut through Marcus Trescothick's garden gate to save hedgehog

http://www.bristolpost.co.uk/Rescuers-cut-Marcus-Trescothick-s-garden-gate/story-21741205-detail/story.html#ixzz38IwcERSs

butchersapron


----------



## pogofish (Jul 24, 2014)

*Aberdeen doctors find sex toy in woman ... that had been there for 10 YEARS*

*http://www.eveningexpress.co.uk/new...man-that-had-been-there-for-10-years-1.489434*


----------



## cyberfairy (Jul 24, 2014)

http://www.lancasterguardian.co.uk/news/local/stolen-frank-sidebottom-head-returned-1-6747218

*'It’s one of the most recognisable heads in showbusiness. And now Frank Sidebottom’s giant bonce is back where it belongs after 48 hours on the run.'*


----------



## MrSki (Jul 27, 2014)




----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 28, 2014)

*Whose trainer is this? "Cinderella" thief leaves shoe clue*

http://www.itv.com/news/tyne-tees/u...er-is-this-cinderella-thief-leaves-shoe-clue/


----------



## trabuquera (Jul 30, 2014)

*'Human poo pong' from fields grips Tring residents*



http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-28541690

...." residents told BBC Three Counties Radio that they had not been able to put their washing out ...."


----------



## trabuquera (Jul 30, 2014)

And:

*Crustacean sensation: Calico lobster a hit in Hampton*
_*Rare find hauled aboard in Hampton Harbor

*_
http://www.seacoastonline.com/articles/20140730-NEWS-407300329

"True calico lobsters are said to be the second most rare, at one in every 30 million to 50 million lobsters. The rarest is the albino, a genetic mutation that occurs once among every 100 million lobsters."


----------



## ddraig (Aug 1, 2014)




----------



## Roadkill (Aug 1, 2014)

Slow news day round here today, evidently, since Hull Daily Mail is getting worked up about someone having done this on a wall by a bus stop:


----------



## purenarcotic (Aug 1, 2014)

Excellent work people, these are brilliant


----------



## moodygirl86 (Aug 1, 2014)

MooChild said:


> Sandwell Chronicle 4th Oct 2012
> 
> *Hazards of Wheelie Bins.*
> Accident and emergency staff treated three people for accidents involving wheelie bins in a year, including a 68 year old woman who fell into one. Sandwell and West Birmingham Hospitals NHS Trust, which runs Sandwell, City and Rowley Regis hospitals, said the woman lost her footing and fell into the bin. A 39 year old man went to A&E after a bin ran over his foot, and a 42 year old man was hit by a bin weighing four and a half stones at work, leaving him with chest pain.



How do you fall in a bin???


----------



## Ponyutd (Aug 3, 2014)

*Muswell Hill family shell shocked as tortoise who defied Hitler comes back from the dead.*

http://www.hamhighbroadway.co.uk/ne...ied_hitler_comes_back_from_the_dead_1_2024206


----------



## MrSki (Aug 3, 2014)

Ponyutd said:


> *Muswell Hill family shell shocked as tortoise who defied Hitler comes back from the dead.*
> 
> http://www.hamhighbroadway.co.uk/ne...ied_hitler_comes_back_from_the_dead_1_2024206




Good to hear that adolph lives to fight another day.


----------



## isvicthere? (Aug 3, 2014)

*DATA STICK FULL OF CHILD PORN FALLS OUT OF PERVERT'S BUM IN ISLINGTON*
http://www.islingtongazette.co.uk/n...s_out_of_pervert_s_bum_in_islington_1_3699110
http://www.islingtongazette.co.uk/n...s_out_of_pervert_s_bum_in_islington_1_3699110


----------



## Me76 (Aug 3, 2014)

Ponyutd said:


> *Muswell Hill family shell shocked as tortoise who defied Hitler comes back from the dead.*
> 
> http://www.hamhighbroadway.co.uk/ne...ied_hitler_comes_back_from_the_dead_1_2024206


They thought he was dead but took him in the garden to try and revive him.


----------



## T & P (Aug 4, 2014)

Zippy from Rainbow spotted in Cheam bush

http://www.suttonguardian.co.uk/news/11375495.Zippy_from_Rainbow_spotted_in_Cheam_bush/?ref=var_0


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 4, 2014)

T & P said:


> Zippy from Rainbow spotted in Cheam bush
> 
> http://www.suttonguardian.co.uk/news/11375495.Zippy_from_Rainbow_spotted_in_Cheam_bush/?ref=var_0


It's not ‘Chief Reporter’ Mike Murphy-Pyle's only big story from the mean streets of Sutton:


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 4, 2014)

moodygirl86 said:


> How do you fall in a bin???


I would recommend feet-first over swallow dive


----------



## moodygirl86 (Aug 4, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> I would recommend feet-first over swallow dive


----------



## rekil (Aug 5, 2014)

Drunk pastor: I'll get IRA to blow you up, said vicar who attacked paramedics and spat at police after crashing car in drunken stupor


----------



## dessiato (Aug 5, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> View attachment 56412
> 
> <snip>
> 
> ...


I don't think that's entirely true, maybe there's a bit of exaggeration there.


----------



## dessiato (Aug 5, 2014)

moodygirl86 said:


> How do you fall in a bin???


For some this is not difficult. (I once fell into a container of approx 1 tonne of frozen peas)


----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 5, 2014)

This should really be merged with this:
http://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/local-paper-headlines.282278/
Shouldn't it? FridgeMagnet ta!


----------



## Ground Elder (Aug 5, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> This should really be merged with this:
> http://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/local-paper-headlines.282278/


 I've been posting on both without realising they were two threads. I was about to pm a mod to enquire why my posts kept vanishing


----------



## moodygirl86 (Aug 5, 2014)

dessiato said:


> I don't think that's entirely true, maybe there's a bit of exaggeration there.


Pictures or it didn't happen...


----------



## Roadkill (Aug 5, 2014)

Ground Elder said:


> I've been posting on both without realising they were two threads. I was about to pm a mod to enquire why my posts kept vanishing



Same here.


----------



## Roadkill (Aug 5, 2014)

trabuquera said:


> *'Human poo pong' from fields grips Tring residents*
> 
> 
> 
> ...



In a deeply tenuous link, that reminds me somehow of this, from that august publication the _Daily Sport_:


----------



## Ponyutd (Aug 6, 2014)

*Springsteen fever grips Dublin Horse Show*
http://www.irishtimes.com


----------



## 8115 (Aug 6, 2014)

Candle lit for Lights Out commemoration of First World War anniversary blamed for Cambridge flat fire that forced resident to leap from first floor

http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/New...-resident-into-12ft-plunge-20140806060418.htm


----------



## iona (Aug 10, 2014)

It's all happening in Tonbridge this week..

Tonbridge man more than a Lidl annoyed at noisy late-night delivery vans 

Tonbridge woman in court for stealing peanut butter and black olives

Also, someone parked their car at Bluewater and came back to find it wrapped in clingfilm  and the recycling system in Edenbridge is "set to get complicated."


----------



## spliff (Aug 10, 2014)

I saw a clingfilmed smartcar up the road from me a few weekends ago. It stayed there a couple of days then vanished.
Is this some sort of Farcebook challenge?


----------



## chandlerp (Aug 12, 2014)




----------



## Jon-of-arc (Aug 13, 2014)

http://www.westerndailypress.co.uk/Robbie-Williams-dead/story-22596790-detail/story.html

*Robbie Williams is not dead*
By Western Daily Press | Posted: August 12, 2014





Robbie Williams is not dead

 Comments (0)
Confusion reigned for a number of people this morning as sad news that Robin Williams the actor died at his California home - when a number of people thought that the former Take That band member and English singer/songwriter Robbie Williams died last night of apparent suicide.

Twitter users tweeted tributes to the singer including these:

“Rest in Peace @robbiewilliams you beautiful soul.” 

“To a great actor and an amazing person who died today * R.I.P robbie williams.” 

*RELATED CONTENT*

*RIP Robin Williams - celebrity colleagues pay tribute to "lightning storm of comic genius"*
*Robin Williams: 10 videos that show why actor was one of the greatest comedians ever*

“RIP Robbie Williams. Your rock will be missed.”

“Just came to know about Robbie Williams’ death. If you have a problem or if you are sad, please talk to someone. Don’t end your own life,” added another.

Robbie Williams is alive and well.



Read more: http://www.westerndailypress.co.uk/...tory-22596790-detail/story.html#ixzz3AFrgCoP8
Read more at http://www.westerndailypress.co.uk/...2596790-detail/story.html#GgWqp5Fll0pVtTZv.99


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Aug 13, 2014)

someone needs to start a "is robbie williams dead yet?" website.


----------



## WWWeed (Aug 13, 2014)

*Famous Watford shoe shop chimp set to retire*

http://www.watfordobserver.co.uk/ne...ford_shoe_shop_chimp_set_to_retire/?ref=var_0


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 13, 2014)

Jon-of-arc said:


> Robbie Williams is alive and well.



*OR IS HE?*


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Aug 13, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> *OR IS HE?*



Who knows.  I checked his twitter.  He seemed alright.  from there I ended up on the Sun+ website somehow, who wanted to send me to alton towers or thorpe park, if I subscribed (which I did briefly a few months back, but thats a whole other story....) Anyway, Kim Wilde, Stanley Edwards , Robbbie Williams and me are all going to thorpe park courtesy of sun+ perks, so its all good.  Check out this link. http://www.thesun.co.uk/join?CMP=KN...ix-Sun+_Perks_Exact_PPC-sun+_perks&pc=DigAcq1


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Aug 14, 2014)

*Wasp sting walker helped off the fells by Patterdale Mountain Rescue Team*


----------



## iona (Aug 14, 2014)

spliff said:


> I saw a clingfilmed smartcar up the road from me a few weekends ago. It stayed there a couple of days then vanished.
> Is this some sort of Farcebook challenge?



No idea, the paper reckoned it was bored kids on summer holidays.

There are THREE reports in the Argus about a dog who got on a bus. Including this one with loads of awful dog-related puns.


----------



## T & P (Aug 14, 2014)

pseudonarcissus said:


> *Wasp sting walker helped off the fells by Patterdale Mountain Rescue Team*


I like it how a man who gets stung by a wasp and is clearly fine takes precedence in the report over a girl who gets a severe asthma attack and has to be airlifted to a hospital. The Westmorland Gazette sure knows how to get their priorities right


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Aug 14, 2014)

T & P said:


> The Westmorland Gazette sure knows how to get their priorities right


it's been going down the pan since Thomas de Quincey was fired as editor


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 14, 2014)

*Independent coffee shop accuses Greggs staff of 'bullying' after sign broken*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/independent-coffee-shop-accuses-greggs-7613476


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Aug 14, 2014)

I'm with Gregg's on this one


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 14, 2014)

That branch of Gregss is open on an evening with a bouncer on the door 

I've been know to pop in for a sausage roll after a a few pints


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Aug 14, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


> *Independent coffee shop accuses Greggs staff of 'bullying' after sign broken*
> 
> http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/independent-coffee-shop-accuses-greggs-7613476


I cannot believe anyone, _anyone _in Newcastle uses the phrase "poor show" unless they have moved their from Eton


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 14, 2014)

QueenOfGoths said:


> I cannot believe anyone, _anyone _in Newcastle uses the phrase "poor show" unless they have moved their from Eton


That part of town has started being gentrified a bit


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Aug 14, 2014)

QueenOfGoths said:


> I cannot believe anyone, _anyone _in Newcastle uses the phrase "poor show" unless they have moved their from Eton


Independent coffee shop owners and web designers in Newcastle are generally from Hexham or even further afield


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 14, 2014)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> Independent coffee shop owners and web designers in Newcastle are generally from Hexham or even further afield


or Jesmond


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Aug 14, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


> or Jesmond


I know a web developer in Jesmond


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Aug 14, 2014)

The photo in that story would be mightily improved if there was someone in the window of Greggs giving them the finger


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 14, 2014)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> I know a web developer in Jesmond


I may have once applied for a web developer job west of of Hexham


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Aug 14, 2014)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> I know a web developer in Jesmond


Does he say "poor show"


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Aug 14, 2014)

QueenOfGoths said:


> Does he say "poor show"


He probably wouldn't to be honest


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 15, 2014)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> He probably wouldn't to be honest


How about “Ooooh me eyes, me eyes, I canna see man”?


----------



## pogofish (Aug 15, 2014)

Not exactly a headline but whoever composited the front page of the council tenants magazine must have been having a dozy day:


----------



## butchersapron (Aug 15, 2014)

This was already posted on the internet two days ago.


----------



## pogofish (Aug 15, 2014)

butchersapron said:


> This was already posted on the internet two days ago.



And that has exactly what bearing on Urban?


----------



## butchersapron (Aug 15, 2014)

pogofish said:


> And that has exactly what bearing on Urban?


And that has exactly what bearing on Urban?


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 15, 2014)

QueenOfGoths said:


> The photo in that story would be mightily improved if there was someone in the window of Greggs giving them the finger


They have backed down now 

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/greggs-hopes-move-good-neighbour-7621022


----------



## pogofish (Aug 15, 2014)

butchersapron said:


> And that has exactly what bearing on Urban?



I see - So absolutely fuck-all!


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Aug 15, 2014)

pogofish said:


> I see - So absolutely fuck-all!



Somebody posted this comment on Urban once before 

(And then someone else made this comment underneath)


----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 15, 2014)

Pogo got pogoed


----------



## ddraig (Aug 15, 2014)

*Colostomy bag leak sees grandmother asked to step off a bus*






not embarrassing enough, got to get mug in paper too!  
http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/local-news/colostomy-bag-leak-sees-grandmother-7607490


----------



## JTG (Aug 15, 2014)

T & P said:


>


Fame at last for Awesome Wells


----------



## spliff (Aug 16, 2014)

This shouldn't really be on this thread but I'm unsure where else to put it.
*Subtitles tour of the Cotton Club Road aka Tottenham Court Road*




http://www.camdennewjournal.com/new...our-cotton-club-road-aka-tottenham-court-road

Click the captions icon at the bottom of screen for full wacko  ^^^^   transcription.


----------



## Fez909 (Aug 21, 2014)

*Darth Vader driver feels the force of the police*






http://www.wakefieldexpress.co.uk/n...river-feels-the-force-of-the-police-1-6766628

Better pic from roving reporter OU, here.


----------



## chandlerp (Aug 22, 2014)

http://www.louthleader.co.uk/news/local/woman-searches-for-missing-raincoat-in-alford-1-6237041


----------



## T & P (Aug 22, 2014)

chandlerp said:


> http://www.louthleader.co.uk/news/local/woman-searches-for-missing-raincoat-in-alford-1-6237041


That has got to be a pisstake


----------



## iona (Aug 23, 2014)

A cow got onto the railway line at Uckfield today. There are 3 pictures AND a video of the cow (someone fucked up the link for the video though).

Plus, escaped parrot surprises staff at Tunbridge Wells care home. I especially like how at the bottom of the story it has a link to something about GCSE results under "related content" 

Meanwhile in Brighton - bushes to be kept high to hide gay cruising, someone set a world record for running a half-marathon dressed as a bottle, and a blind WW2 veteran is planning on riding the world's longest zipwire. Teenager gets her head stuck in bench is pretty funny too.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Aug 26, 2014)

Pete, the Beloved Chicken Missing:



> Only the feet remain of Pioneer Pete, the beloved chicken of Lee's Restaurant.
> 
> The 5-foot, 200-pound fiberglass display piece that has been the mascot of Lee’s for 50 years disappeared sometime between 3 a.m. and 6 a.m. Saturday, Lincoln police say. Owner Jan Wilcoxen locked up at 3 a.m., and when she returned to her restaurant, Pioneer Pete was gone. ....
> 
> ...



It's not likely to be a coincidence that its pledge week at the University.


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Aug 26, 2014)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> Pete, the Beloved Chicken Missing:
> 
> 
> 
> It's not likely to be a coincidence that its pledge week at the University.



Police are searching for an overweight yellow skinned man with three fingers on each hand


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 26, 2014)

http://chiswickherald.co.uk/chiswick-woman-removes-vacuum-cleaner-head-with-ease-p2474-95.htm


----------



## weltweit (Aug 26, 2014)

In my local paper last week I had the front page headline:

*Man hid suicide drugs in buttocks!*


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Aug 28, 2014)

The Return of Pete the Chicken:



> Police suspect foul play after finding the chicken with its head knocked off.
> 
> Thieves returned Lee’s Restaurant’s beloved statue Wednesday morning, four days after they cut him off at the legs and stole the 5-foot, 200-pound fiberglass mascot that has stood watch at the chicken joint for 50 years.
> 
> ...



http://journalstar.com/news/local/9...cle_538f05a0-1df9-53ce-88f3-4c84447f54ed.html

At least they didn't wake up with a chicken head in their bed.


----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 31, 2014)

*Mystery as Newcastle man finds his stock of Foster's lager cans empty*
http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/mystery-newcastle-man-finds-stock-7693005


----------



## NoXion (Aug 31, 2014)

pogofish said:


> Not exactly a headline but whoever composited the front page of the council tenants magazine must have been having a dozy day:
> 
> <snip image>



I don't get it?


----------



## Limejuice (Aug 31, 2014)

NoXion said:


> I don't get it?


I think it's supposed to read Newsbite.

But the head in the way makes it look like New shite.


----------



## NoXion (Aug 31, 2014)

Ah, I see it now.


----------



## dessiato (Aug 31, 2014)

"Man attacked neighbour with machete after year-long dispute over barking dog," the man looks quite happy in the photo

Read more: http://www.grimsbytelegraph.co.uk/M...tory-22847012-detail/story.html#ixzz3BzYLkzcU


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Sep 3, 2014)

*Man in white negligee and black tights exposes himself to traffic on M6 in Cumbria*

*Westmoreland Gazette again! no pictures alas...*


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 3, 2014)

*Spennymoor pensioner recovering after being stabbed in the arm with a pen*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news...moor-pensioner-recovering-after-being-7709355


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Sep 3, 2014)

I would stab some one with a pen if I lived in Spennymoor


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Sep 3, 2014)

dessiato said:


> "Man attacked neighbour with machete after year-long dispute over barking dog," the man looks quite happy in the photo
> 
> Read more: http://www.grimsbytelegraph.co.uk/M...tory-22847012-detail/story.html#ixzz3BzYLkzcU


I'd attack someone with a machete if I lived in Grimsby


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 4, 2014)




----------



## sim667 (Sep 4, 2014)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 4, 2014)

It is all happening in Surrey.


----------



## savoloysam (Sep 4, 2014)

Surrey = The new cornwall


----------



## trabuquera (Sep 4, 2014)

*A dog who ate nearly 44 socks helps a Portland vet gain national honors*
http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/...tery_solved_--_a_dog_ate_ne.html#incart_river

US journalists are so formal sometimes. They are very punctilious about recording that this Great Dane only ate 43 and a HALF socks.


----------



## longdog (Sep 8, 2014)

*Anlaby doctors to help 'Elephant Man' with massive leg.*

http://www.hulldailymail.co.uk/Anla...-massive-leg/story-22893298-detail/story.html


----------



## ddraig (Sep 8, 2014)

http://www.southwales-eveningpost.c...ut-driver-47/story-22891769-detail/story.html

my home town 


> Hernandez had been out with a friend in Llanelli town centre, celebrating news that she would be moving home.
> 
> She could not explain why she decided to get behind the wheel of her car or why at her age she wanted to perform doughnuts in an Asda car park, the court heard.
> 
> ...


----------



## Voley (Sep 8, 2014)

ddraig said:


> http://www.southwales-eveningpost.c...ut-driver-47/story-22891769-detail/story.html
> 
> my home town





> She was fined £110 and ordered to pay £85 in court costs and *a £20 victim surcharge*.



I hope the victim in this tragic case, the recklessly-doughnutted ASDA carpark, can use this twenty quid to restore normality and bring closure to its life after this ordeal.


----------



## ddraig (Sep 8, 2014)

i can understand the joy at moving from there mind!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 9, 2014)

Voley said:


> I hope the victim in this tragic case, the recklessly-doughnutted ASDA carpark, can use this twenty quid to restore normality and bring closure to its life after this ordeal.


Probably spend it on glue and heroin


----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 9, 2014)

*Man punched in the face in attack outside Kettering KFC*

to the mattresses


----------



## 8115 (Sep 9, 2014)

City's joy over new royal baby.

If this is joy I'd be interested to see what apathy looks like.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 12, 2014)

*Warm glow of local pride*

Should have just been ‘BRISTOL METH’, mind.


----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 12, 2014)

someone think of a breaking bad/brizzle gag


----------



## Roadkill (Sep 12, 2014)

*Bus lanes cameras set for Hull including Beverley Road, Anlaby Road and Holderness Road*

Good. 

(Aside from the HDM's proofreading, of course)


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 13, 2014)

Not so much local, but...

 

_...The ‘face’ of Salmond is, in fact, created by a coincidental pattern of darker-coloured salmon and skin.

The phenomenon is known to scientists as a simulcrum._​


----------



## JTG (Sep 14, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> View attachment 60959
> 
> *Warm glow of local pride*
> 
> Should have just been ‘BRISTOL METH’, mind.


I thought Bristol Meth jut referred to Scrumpy tbh


----------



## T & P (Sep 20, 2014)

This is Sky News website rather than a paper, but as it is as bad as the worst we've seen on this thread it feels appropriate to stick it here

*"Man drops new iPhone seconds after buying it"

 *


----------



## MrSki (Sep 21, 2014)




----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Sep 21, 2014)

An oldie but a goodie

https://web.archive.org/web/2008121...-craig-s-welsh-links-revealed-91466-22203244/


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 21, 2014)

Chorley it can't be that bad up there..?





















From: http://www.buzzfeed.com/tomphillips...-chorley?utm_term=3jw7d6n&sub=3451894_3854764


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 23, 2014)

*Victory for Newbiggin-by-the-Sea residents in public toilet battle - for now*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news...in-by-the-sea-residents-public-toilet-7816092


----------



## MrSki (Sep 26, 2014)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 26, 2014)

MrSki said:


>



Harsh


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Oct 2, 2014)

*Police find drugs hidden in man’s underpants after stopping his car in Pratts Bottom*

here


----------



## billy_bob (Oct 2, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> Chorley it can't be that bad up there..?
> 
> From: http://www.buzzfeed.com/tomphillips...-chorley?utm_term=3jw7d6n&sub=3451894_3854764



I'm trying to imagine they're all actually about the same story but taking wildly different angles on it.  That would be some news report.


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Oct 3, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> Harsh


The world must go on


----------



## MrSki (Oct 3, 2014)




----------



## longdog (Oct 4, 2014)

*"Man poos on floor of Hull council office after claiming he is picked on for being a dwarf"*

I thought dwarfs were supposed to be magical 

http://www.hulldailymail.co.uk/Man-...ice-claiming/story-23043404-detail/story.html


----------



## longdog (Oct 4, 2014)

.


----------



## longdog (Oct 4, 2014)

.


----------



## JTG (Oct 4, 2014)

Yes, you said


----------



## longdog (Oct 4, 2014)

Fucking mobile interwebs


----------



## billy_bob (Oct 4, 2014)

longdog said:


> *"Man poos on floor of Hull council office after claiming he is picked on for being a dwarf"*
> 
> I thought dwarfs were supposed to be magical
> 
> http://www.hulldailymail.co.uk/Man-...ice-claiming/story-23043404-detail/story.html



How do you know it wasn't a magical poo?


----------



## CRI (Oct 4, 2014)

By what, I wonder!


----------



## longdog (Oct 4, 2014)

billy_bob said:


> How do you know it wasn't a magical poo?



Good point.


----------



## Belushi (Oct 4, 2014)

http://www.tottenhamjournal.co.uk/n...ugh_bound_for_tottenham_restaurants_1_3782460


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 5, 2014)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 9, 2014)

_South Wales Evening Post_ strikes again:

 

http://www.southwales-eveningpost.c...es-bit-stink/story-23070917-detail/story.html


----------



## Maggot (Oct 9, 2014)

http://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/11513845.Lost_leg_of_Spanish_ham_puzzles_many_at_Crystal_Palace/


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 9, 2014)

longdog said:


> *"Man poos on floor of Hull council office after claiming he is picked on for being a dwarf"*
> 
> I thought dwarfs were supposed to be magical
> 
> http://www.hulldailymail.co.uk/Man-...ice-claiming/story-23043404-detail/story.html





> and telling an Asian man: "You should go back to your own country."



racist little shitter too.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 9, 2014)

GLOBAL WARMING? WHAT GLOBAL WARMING?!



http://www.yourlocalguardian.co.uk/...ed_in_Sutton_during_afternoon_showers/?ref=mr


----------



## T & P (Oct 9, 2014)

Maggot said:


> http://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/11513845.Lost_leg_of_Spanish_ham_puzzles_many_at_Crystal_Palace/


That's worth a three-figure amount, in the UK at least.


----------



## dessiato (Oct 9, 2014)

Maggot said:


> http://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/11513845.Lost_leg_of_Spanish_ham_puzzles_many_at_Crystal_Palace/


Did anyone claim it?


----------



## dessiato (Oct 9, 2014)

Just seen this as a link from the one about the jamon. http://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/1...r_vibrator_became_stuck_in_his_bottom/?ref=ar


----------



## Onket (Oct 10, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> This should really be merged with this:
> http://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/local-paper-headlines.282278/
> Shouldn't it? FridgeMagnet ta!


Can't we have a third?


----------



## Ponyutd (Oct 12, 2014)

Sounds like a Super Hero.


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Oct 12, 2014)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> racist little shitter too.



He should go back to Narnia


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 16, 2014)

Actually quite a decent local news story from the invariably dire _Bristol Post_: homeless man lives in tent, locals rally round him.

It's the URL which is groansome:

...co.uk/*Intentsive-care*-offered-homeless-camper/story-23195588-detail/story.html


----------



## MrSki (Oct 20, 2014)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 20, 2014)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 22, 2014)

Just when the _Ham & High_ throws out yet another exemplary quinoabelt classic, _NT New_s returns with a smash:



And there's a happy ending!

_“It (the bill) must have snapped off in its skull, it missed the brain and missed the blood vessels and healed over.

“We extracted the thing, it didn’t bleed much, then we released it.”_​
Okay, not so happy ending:

_“It swam off but we saw four sharks eat it.”_​
http://www.ntnews.com.au/lifestyle/...ng-from-its-head/story-fnkchy3h-1227098979747


----------



## fucthest8 (Oct 22, 2014)

Tunicorn


----------



## Onket (Oct 22, 2014)

"fisho"


----------



## eatmorecheese (Oct 23, 2014)

*Hurricane Gonzalo not expected to devastate south London and Surrey*

http://www.croydonguardian.co.uk/ne...xpected_to_devastate_south_London_and_Surrey/


----------



## Chemical needs (Oct 25, 2014)

*Katie Price says 'There are just too many roadworks in Brighton'*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 25, 2014)

Chemical needs said:


> *Katie Price says 'There are just too many roadworks in Brighton'*


Truly a Steine on the city's reputation


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Oct 25, 2014)

Don't tell me Jordan a shit pun there?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 25, 2014)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> Don't tell me Jordan a shit pun there?


Hove you ever known me pass up on an opportunity?


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 25, 2014)

your pun skills leave me green with envy


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 25, 2014)

DotCommunist said:


> your pun skills leave me green with envy


Have a break. Have a Kitcat.


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 25, 2014)

washed down with lucasade?


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Oct 25, 2014)

There's going to be a price to pay


----------



## May Kasahara (Oct 25, 2014)

Teenager punched after two families row in Asda gravy aisle



> Shoppers proved not to be 'Bisto' friends after two families got into a spot of beef in Asda's gravy aisle.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 27, 2014)

Not a local paper, but it's a local story and bears all the hallmarks of the best locals:



> *Croydon pub landlord fights off would-be burglars with a baseball bat*



Not the best local headline, but then you read through and get this ersatz local gem:



> ...But they were unprepared for the arrival of landlord Danny Foley, who chased them away wearing just his leggings with his *commemorative Celtic FC baseball bat*.



http://www.itv.com/news/london/2014...ts-off-would-be-burglars-with-a-baseball-bat/


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 27, 2014)

May Kasahara said:


> Shoppers proved not to be 'Bisto' friends after two families got into a spot of beef in Asda's gravy aisle.



*DOFFS HAT*


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Oct 27, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> Not a local paper, but it's a local story and bears all the hallmarks of the best locals:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
Bet there's people on here who know him


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 27, 2014)

*Paul Daniels' magic shock*



> MAGICIAN Paul Daniels has had a finger bitten by one of his stage rabbits, nearly two years after he accidentally sliced off the tip of a finger with a circular saw.
> 
> It is not known if the same digit was involved in the recent nibbling incident which happened before the start of a recent performance in Crewe.



http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/11560088.Paul_Daniels__magic_shock/?ref=mry


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 27, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


> *Paul Daniels' magic shock*
> 
> 
> 
> http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news/11560088.Paul_Daniels__magic_shock/?ref=mry



I liked that.


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 27, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> I liked that.


Not a lot


----------



## Maggot (Oct 27, 2014)

http://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/1...ants_after_stopping_his_car_in_Pratts_Bottom/

*Police find drugs hidden in man’s underpants after stopping his car in Pratts Bottom*


----------



## Roadkill (Oct 28, 2014)

Oh my good god.  aqua longdog 

*Silhouette Club to return - for one night only.*


----------



## aqua (Oct 28, 2014)

Roadkill said:


> Oh my good god.  aqua longdog
> 
> *Silhouette Club to return - for one night only.*


Jesus Christ. We wouldn't survive!


----------



## Roadkill (Oct 28, 2014)

aqua said:


> Jesus Christ. We wouldn't survive!



I'm tempted to find out.    It won't be the same, though: a lot of the old Sils crowd will probably turn out for old times' sake, but we'll all be older and more sensible, with mortgages to pay and jobs where you can't get away with going in one a comedown; the carpet won't be sticky, there'll be no pills, and that rocket-fuel energy drink they used to serve will be nowhere in sight.  And neither will the bank manager in his tutu and fairy wings.


----------



## aqua (Oct 28, 2014)

Roadkill said:


> I'm tempted to find out.    It won't be the same, though: a lot of the old Sils crowd will probably turn out for old times' sake, but we'll all be older and more sensible, with mortgages to pay and jobs where you can't get away with going in one a comedown; the carpet won't be sticky, there'll be no pills, and that rocket-fuel energy drink they used to serve will be nowhere in sight.  And neither will the bank manager in his tutu and fairy wings.


My first thought tbh was I wonder how many of the old crowd would still be with us 

I think it's better off as a wicked memory tbh


----------



## Roadkill (Oct 28, 2014)

aqua said:


> My first thought tbh was I wonder how many of the old crowd would still be with us
> 
> I think it's better off as a wicked memory tbh



Probably, though I'm still tempted to go.  longdog and I have been meaning to drop into the arts centre ever since it opened, just to see what the place looks like nowadays.  Perhaps not too different, since Jon Parker, who runs it, is very much of the old Sils crowd.


----------



## Roadkill (Oct 28, 2014)

In other world-shaking news from the Hull Daily Mail...

Mortimer the Mammoth proving a Twitter hit for Hull Museums


----------



## aqua (Oct 28, 2014)

He's a very gorgeous mammoth but, wtf?


----------



## Voley (Oct 28, 2014)

It's never dull in Hull.


----------



## Roadkill (Oct 28, 2014)

aqua said:


> He's a very gorgeous mammoth but, wtf?



That was roughly my reaction when Malcolm - who's an old mate of mine - introduced me to him at the folk festival last month.


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Oct 28, 2014)

Roadkill said:


> Oh my good god.  aqua longdog
> 
> *Silhouette Club to return - for one night only.*


Was that the place near some sort of docks? I think I went there once - they served a weird cocktail made with Vimto or something.


----------



## aqua (Oct 28, 2014)

Weird cocktails tend to be the domain of spiders  which I believe is still going. The home of the pangalactic gargle blaster.


----------



## Roadkill (Oct 28, 2014)

Buddy Bradley said:


> Was that the place near some sort of docks? I think I went there once - they served a weird cocktail made with Vimto or something.



I reckon aqua is right and you're thinking of Spider's, which is renowned for its lethal cocktails.  They're both well away from the docks, although Spider's is on the edge of an industrial area by the river.


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Oct 28, 2014)

Roadkill said:


> I reckon aqua is right and you're thinking of Spider's, which is renowned for its lethal cocktails.


Ah right, yes that rings a bell. Not been in Hull for over 15 years, so my recall of the geography is a little sketchy...


----------



## Roadkill (Oct 28, 2014)

Buddy Bradley said:


> Ah right, yes that rings a bell. Not been in Hull for over 15 years, so my recall of the geography is a little sketchy...



That's not surprising, if you'd been to Spiders.


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Oct 28, 2014)

Roadkill said:


> That's not surprising, if you'd been to Spiders.


 I used to live just off Beverly Road and worked in the pub across the road from the university. All I really remember is the place that did the open mic nights, and the strip joint that did a nice Sunday roast...


----------



## Roadkill (Oct 28, 2014)

Buddy Bradley said:


> I used to live just off Beverly Road and worked in the pub across the road from the university.



What, the Old Grey Mare?  Still going strong, and probably still full of tipsy lecturers at 6 on a Friday evening. 



> All I really remember is the place that did the open mic nights, and the strip joint that did a nice Sunday roast...



Where on earth was that?!  There are untold strip joints tucked away in the city, but I've not heard of any that do a good lunch as well!


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Oct 28, 2014)

Roadkill said:


> What, the Old Grey Mare?  Still going strong, and probably still full of tipsy lecturers at 6 on a Friday evening.


That's the one.



> Where on earth was that?!  There are untold strip joints tucked away in the city, but I've not heard of any that do a good lunch as well!


It was on either Bev Road or the parallel other north-south road - I think it was one of those with the garish yellow-and-black branding, whatever they were called.


----------



## Roadkill (Oct 28, 2014)

Buddy Bradley said:


> It was on either Bev Road or the parallel other north-south road - I think it was one of those with the garish yellow-and-black branding, whatever they were called.



The Piper, on Newland Avenue?  If so, I never knew that had been a strip joint: it's just been a grotty students' drinking den in my time...


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Oct 28, 2014)

Roadkill said:


> The Piper, on Newland Avenue?  If so, I never knew that had been a strip joint: it's just been a grotty students' drinking den in my time...


Quite possibly, Google Maps looks vaguely familiar - I never actually went in there, only heard that they put on a strip show on Sunday lunchtimes.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 28, 2014)

Local newspaper in ‘believing police PR guff and swallowing urban myths wholesale’ shocker!!!




			
				Bristol Post said:
			
		

> *Hanging trainers removed from wires in Bristol as police crack down on drug dealing*
> 
> [...]To some, they are simply an eyesore. But for police there is a more sinister explanation for their presence – they believe they reveal the locations where illegal drugs can be bought.
> 
> Officers have now hired a cherry picker to remove shoes hanging from wires in St Paul's and St Werburgh's [...]



http://www.bristolpost.co.uk/Hangin...istol-police/story-23595985-detail/story.html


----------



## rekil (Oct 31, 2014)




----------



## Cloo (Oct 31, 2014)

It's all going downhill at the Ham&High:

'Porn star hits back at "sex lorry" ban'


----------



## izz (Nov 1, 2014)

Not strictly headlines, but on our local news website on the 19th October there was a story, complete with cctv picture, of a chap wanted for nicking videogames from Tesco.

On the same website a few days earlier there was a story, complete with cctv picture of the same chap, also in Tesco, wanted for nicking an xbox


----------



## pesh (Nov 1, 2014)

Every little hurts


----------



## T & P (Nov 1, 2014)

copliker said:


> View attachment 63160


That exactly what the vicar woman on Gogglebox said in this week's episode


----------



## rekil (Nov 1, 2014)

T & P said:


> That exactly what the vicar woman on Gogglebox said in this week's episode


I saw that yeah  They probably get wound up every year but this is the first time I've noticed it.


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 1, 2014)

Same twats who get wound up about Harry Potter


----------



## ddraig (Nov 3, 2014)

*'Police charged me with possessing extreme porn for a 6 second clip of man dressed up in a tiger suit'*

http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/police-charged-wrexham-bus-driver-8032696#rlabs=2


> He was on bail for six months before prosecutors finally admitted it was not a video of a real tiger having intercourse with a woman - but a crude computer-enhanced video of a man in a tiger suit.
> 
> Throughout the inquiry, police had ignored the fact the tiger was talking throughout the video as they had not turned on the sound.
> 
> ...


----------



## Chemical needs (Nov 3, 2014)

Couple shock as they find baby rat cooking in their toaster!



> ... It really put me off using the toaster again...


----------



## chandlerp (Nov 3, 2014)

What was it cooking?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 3, 2014)

chandlerp said:


> What was it cooking?


Ratatouille


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Nov 3, 2014)

A drunk teenager tried to jump bleachers on a football field, Dukes of Hazard style.  He landed it (sort of):



> Police said the teen’s 2002 Nissan was headed south on 22nd Street when it failed to stop at the T intersection with L Street. The vehicle cleared the bleachers at Collins Stadium, which is below street level, and landed on the field.









He must have been sailing to having not only cleared the bleachers, but managed to land on the playing field.  He didn't quite walk away, but he's going to be ok, at least until his parents get ahold of him.


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 3, 2014)

Bleachers?


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 3, 2014)

the seats


----------



## The Boy (Nov 3, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Bleachers?


Stands of benched seating, I think.


----------



## fishfinger (Nov 3, 2014)

Orang Utan said:


> Bleachers?



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bleacher


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Nov 3, 2014)

I think it's the seats


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 3, 2014)

I think you might be right Spanky. No flies on you.


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Nov 3, 2014)

Did you know Ben Kingsley is actually half Indian?


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 3, 2014)

He is actually half English and born in Scarborough.


----------



## JTG (Nov 3, 2014)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> Did you know Ben Kingsley is actually half Indian?


He is nicknamed 'Kashmir' as a result


----------



## andysays (Nov 4, 2014)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> Did you know Ben Kingsley is actually half Indian?



Did you read that in the Mumbai Evening Chronicle?


----------



## wayward bob (Nov 4, 2014)

ddraig said:


> “The police said the tiger looked real”


----------



## ddraig (Nov 4, 2014)

all levels of wrong init!


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Nov 4, 2014)

The Boy said:


> Stands of benched seating, I think.



Yes, what do you call them there?


----------



## MrSki (Nov 4, 2014)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> Yes, what do you call them there?


seats.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Nov 4, 2014)

MrSki said:


> seats.



  Inventive.


----------



## MrSki (Nov 4, 2014)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> Inventive.


I have seen "Bleachers" in a couple of books I've read. Does it just apply to American football or is the term used for all sports?


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Nov 4, 2014)

MrSki said:


> I have seen "Bleachers" in a couple of books I've read. Does it just apply to American football or is the term used for all sports?



All sports and often for seating for public political events.  Most of them have the ability to fold up and roll away to be stored.  They close up a bit like accordians.


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 4, 2014)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> Yes, what do you call them there?




'its not as good as terraces' usually, from the older gen.


----------



## MrSki (Nov 4, 2014)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> All sports and often for seating for public political events.  Most of them have the ability to fold up and roll away to be stored.  The close up a bit like accordians.


Do they bleach them after each use? Or where does the name come from? Funny name for seating.


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 4, 2014)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> All sports and often for seating for public political events.  Most of them have the ability to fold up and roll away to be stored.  The close up a bit like accordians.




in 'the faculty' the evil alien queen thing gets pwnt by one of them fold back ones. I've had nightmares about being stuck in one of them while it closes


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Nov 4, 2014)

MrSki said:


> Do they bleach them after each use? Or where does the name come from? Funny name for seating.



I wouldn't blame them if they did.  In school under the bleachers was a common place for teenagers to meet up with their girlfriend/boyfriend.


----------



## Chz (Nov 4, 2014)

MrSki said:


> Do they bleach them after each use? Or where does the name come from? Funny name for seating.


The good seats have a roof. The cheap seats bleach out in the sun. If England had more sunlight, they might have called them that.


----------



## Onket (Nov 4, 2014)

The terraces were easier to hose down.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Nov 4, 2014)

Chz said:


> The good seats have a roof. The cheap seats bleach out in the sun. If England had more sunlight, they might have called them that.



It's a good thing I didn't bring up "berm seating" (the grassy hill without seats that are the really, really cheap tickets.)


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 4, 2014)

Can you have bleachers inside then? My school hall had seating like that, which concertinad (is that a word? It is now) away for sports and gigs.


----------



## twentythreedom (Nov 4, 2014)

The famous Grand National fence at Aintree known as 'Bleachers Brook' is so named because it resembles a bank of cheap seats


----------



## MrSki (Nov 4, 2014)

twentythreedom said:


> The famous Grand National fence at Aintree known as 'Bleachers Brook' is so named because it resembles a bank of cheap seats


It is not Beachers Brook that seemed to do them in at the Melbourne Cup which is a flat race. Two of the poor fuckers pecked it.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Nov 6, 2014)

People think I'm joking when I say I'm afraid to even go into the parking lot at Walmart:



> An angry shopper drove her car into a couple after she spotted them 'stealing' a parking spot that she had been waiting for in Walmart.
> 
> Kimberly Pankratius, 36, flew into a rage when she spotted Julie and Christopher Weakly pulling into the spot at a Walmart on Saturday evening.
> 
> ...



http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...ves-car-couple-claims-stole-parking-spot.html


----------



## friedaweed (Nov 6, 2014)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> People think I'm joking when I say I'm afraid to even go into the parking lot at Walmart:
> 
> 
> 
> http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...ves-car-couple-claims-stole-parking-spot.html


Is she getting her hair cut in Lancaster County Jail?


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Nov 6, 2014)

friedaweed said:


> Is she getting her hair cut in Lancaster County Jail?



She could use a trim and maybe some highlights.


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Nov 9, 2014)




----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Nov 10, 2014)

That is an amazing story, full of win on every count.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 10, 2014)

I want to see evidence of the judges' deliberations on this


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 11, 2014)

*Men sentenced for Prince of Wales Road fight over dead rat*

http://www.edp24.co.uk/news/men_sentenced_for_prince_of_wales_road_fight_over_dead_rat_1_3842505


----------



## trabuquera (Nov 12, 2014)

^ worth reading in full for a masterly chronicle of a brawl foretold.
Normal for Norwich?


----------



## T & P (Nov 12, 2014)

TBF I'd be pretty pissed off too if some cunt threw a dead rat at me.


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 12, 2014)

*Watch: Kylie Minogue signing a Geordie fan's leg tattoo of her at Metro Radio Arena gig*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/what...s/watch-kylie-minogue-signing-geordie-8094746


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 18, 2014)

*Johnny Depp buys bath from Norwich shop*

http://www.eveningnews24.co.uk/news/video_johnny_depp_buys_bath_from_norwich_shop_1_3851741


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 18, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


> *Johnny Depp buys bath from Norwich shop*
> 
> http://www.eveningnews24.co.uk/news/video_johnny_depp_buys_bath_from_norwich_shop_1_3851741


Could've been worse - he might have tried to purchase Norwich from Bath shop


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Nov 18, 2014)

tbf Norwich is the Bath of the East


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 18, 2014)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> tbf Norwich is the Bath of the East


And here's its Austen


----------



## Geri (Nov 18, 2014)

*Give me more breast, mum demands KFC*

http://www.folkestoneherald.co.uk/breast-mum-demands-KFC/story-24552123-detail/story.html


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 19, 2014)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> tbf Norwich is the Bath of the East


And I think we've just found its Mary Wollstonecraft:

http://www.southwales-eveningpost.c...rs-BBC-Radio/story-24560739-detail/story.html


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 19, 2014)

I just went to Kettering Evening Telegraph website to dig up something appropriately banal and yokelish but its all ram raids, murder, knives and GBH

wtf is happening to my shangri-la?


----------



## Chemical needs (Nov 19, 2014)

*Man accused of smashing glass panel as he left court after criminal damage hearing*


----------



## rekil (Nov 20, 2014)

Bishop's new crozier crafted from local timbers

"Bishop Gets Wood" more like.


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 24, 2014)




----------



## rekil (Nov 27, 2014)

Man had 'e' at rave



> Defence solicitor, Dermot Hickey, told the court that he was given the tablet on the beach and never intended to use it.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 28, 2014)

Book of _NT News_ front pages now out:






http://www.ntnews.com.au/news/north...aving-catnappers/story-fnk0b1zt-1227071124302


----------



## billy_bob (Nov 28, 2014)

Geri said:


> *Give me more breast, mum demands KFC*
> 
> http://www.folkestoneherald.co.uk/breast-mum-demands-KFC/story-24552123-detail/story.html



That story is disappointing on several different levels.

I hope the spoonerism in words two and three of the article is intentional though ('fucking curious'...?)


----------



## fractionMan (Nov 28, 2014)

> *Traffic flowing steadily this rush hour in Bath
> *
> Traffic is flowing quite steadily in Bath this rush hour, with just minor hold ups in the usual places including  Windsor Bridge and on the A4 Lond Road at the junction of Margaret's Hill on the way out of Bath.



STOP THE PRESS!

That's the whole article.  http://www.bathchronicle.co.uk/Traf...sh-hour-Bath/story-24684507-detail/story.html


----------



## Idris2002 (Nov 28, 2014)




----------



## el-ahrairah (Dec 1, 2014)

http://www.thisislocallondon.co.uk/...mself_in_couple_s_living_room_on_CCTV/?ref=mr

i'll just leave this here.

also, merge these damn threads


----------



## ddraig (Dec 2, 2014)

Santa taken away in back of police van in Aberdare (after parade in front of kids) 

http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/only-wales-children-stunned-santa-8204791


> This is absolutely classic.
> 
> A woman can be heard laughing hysterically in this video... and you may well do the same as you watch Santa led into a police riot van at the end of a parade.
> 
> ...


----------



## toggle (Dec 2, 2014)

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/joel-golby-falmouth-pool-shitter-ruined-disco-503

its falmouth again.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 3, 2014)

el-ahrairah said:


> also, merge these damn threads



Conformist


----------



## el-ahrairah (Dec 3, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> Conformist



i like to think i have a tidy mind.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 3, 2014)

Always throw your Vimto cans in the bin, at least


----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 3, 2014)

*Fowey Harbourmaster appeals for people to stop buying boats when drunk*

http://www.cornishguardian.co.uk/Aiming-avoid-sinking-feeling/story-25031951-detail/story.html


----------



## CRI (Dec 5, 2014)

Say Cheese!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 5, 2014)

CRI said:


> Say Cheese!
> 
> View attachment 64596


She certainly has a positive outlook in her mugshot!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 5, 2014)

neonwilderness said:


>



Stoatally disgusting


----------



## billy_bob (Dec 5, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> Stoatally disgusting



Looks like he's managed to weasel his way out of jail time though.


----------



## billy_bob (Dec 5, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> Stoatally disgusting



If you ask me, he should have got at least five years ferret.


----------



## billy_bob (Dec 5, 2014)

DaveCinzano said:


> Stoatally disgusting



Still, at least it's a badger shame, isn't it....


----------



## billy_bob (Dec 5, 2014)

Anyhoo.....


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Dec 8, 2014)

A bit of wild video from a police car:


----------



## Enviro (Dec 15, 2014)

*Police still waiting to see if man accused of theft swallowed 18-carat diamond ring*


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Dec 15, 2014)

Sheep in Christmas Sweater Found Wandering the Streets of Omaha






http://time.com/3626397/sheep-in-christmas-sweater/


----------



## sim667 (Dec 16, 2014)

*Man rings police after neighbour posts "creepy" picture of Cliff Richard in his window*

http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/1166...eepy__picture_of_Cliff_Richard_in_his_window/


----------



## sim667 (Dec 16, 2014)




----------



## Onket (Dec 16, 2014)

sim667 said:


> *Man rings police after neighbour posts "creepy" picture of Cliff Richard in his window*
> 
> http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/1166...eepy__picture_of_Cliff_Richard_in_his_window/


Superb!


----------



## Pseudopsycho (Dec 17, 2014)

I want to know why poor zombies are more offensive than Cliff?!


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Dec 17, 2014)

sim667 said:


> *Man rings police after neighbour posts "creepy" picture of Cliff Richard in his window*
> 
> http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/11669029.Man_rings_police_after_neighbour_posts__creepy__picture_of_Cliff_Richard_in_his_window/




There's another kind?


----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 21, 2014)

http://www.dover-express.co.uk/Warden-fuming-Smartie-car-theft/story-24570469-detail/story.html


----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 21, 2014)

*Police release e-fit of man who is verbally and physically targeting Tewkesbury School pupil, 11, along the Old Railway Line*
 
http://www.gloucestershireecho.co.u...y-physically/story-24561893-detail/story.html


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 21, 2014)

at e-fit


----------



## neonwilderness (Dec 21, 2014)

*Superman arrested in Durham City following night out with Bananaman*

http://m.thenorthernecho.co.uk/news...ty_following_night_out_with_Bananaman/?ref=mr


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Dec 22, 2014)

Omaha police officer accidentally uses Taser on fellow officer Saturday



> Investigators said that two officers were on a call near 64th and Lake streets. While trying to stop a man from resisting arrest, one officer pulled out his Taser, but hit the other officer instead.



http://www.ketv.com/news/omaha-poli...ses-taser-on-fellow-officer-saturday/30334838

He's never going to live that one down.


----------



## chandlerp (Dec 22, 2014)

If the other officer was black he could have used the "force of habit" defence.


----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 23, 2014)




----------



## CRI (Dec 23, 2014)

From my old home town local radio website:

_The man who was arrested as he prepared to rob the Fifth-Third Bank in Mount Vernon earlier this year has entered a guilty plea. In return for the guilty plea, 72-year-old Clark W. Kirkman of Mesa, AZ drew a seven year prison sentence._

A 72 year old bank robber?


----------



## CRI (Dec 23, 2014)

Okay, not a local paper news headline, but looking round the radio station website mentioned above, it has a section for engagement and wedding announcements.  Okay, that's pretty normal, but why the fashion for photos that look like they were taken outside prisons, or derelict buildings?


----------



## jakethesnake (Dec 23, 2014)

http://www.exeterexpressandecho.co....-coincidence/story-25755027-detail/story.html
“That’s got to be some kind of message, that’s no coincidence” Devon man sees face of Jesus in bruise




It looks fucking nothing like Jesus, or indeed, anything. Twat.


----------



## coley (Dec 23, 2014)

jakethesnake said:


> http://www.exeterexpressandecho.co....-coincidence/story-25755027-detail/story.html
> “That’s got to be some kind of message, that’s no coincidence” Devon man sees face of Jesus in bruise
> 
> 
> ...


No, it looks like bruise.


----------



## savoloysam (Jan 2, 2015)

"Woman stabbed with pen in carpark"


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 2, 2015)

savoloysam said:


> "Woman stabbed with pen in carpark"


----------



## Ponyutd (Jan 2, 2015)




----------



## Ponyutd (Jan 3, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> *Police release e-fit of man who is verbally and physically targeting Tewkesbury School pupil, 11, along the Old Railway Line*
> View attachment 65350
> http://www.gloucestershireecho.co.u...y-physically/story-24561893-detail/story.html


----------



## Ponyutd (Jan 5, 2015)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 7, 2015)

Not a local paper, but this was clearly an important crime that warranted coverage by the BBC.


----------



## Onket (Jan 7, 2015)

Going by the description given, it sounds like you might have to provide an alibi,  barleymow!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 7, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Not a local paper, but this was clearly an important crime that warranted coverage by the BBC.
> 
> View attachment 66028


You have to admire their bottle


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 7, 2015)

editor said:


> What a shame that a bunch of opportunistic teenagers chose to smash up the shop fronts of local traders right before Christmas: it does nothing for the cause whatsoever.


I'm not that old you cheeky bugger! 

Anyway, I'm not stocky, have all my hair and I can't drive - so it can't be me.


----------



## editor (Jan 7, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I'm not that old you cheeky bugger!
> 
> Anyway, I'm not stocky, have all my hair and I can't drive - so it can't be me.


Errr - what's my quote from 2001 got to do with this?


----------



## Onket (Jan 7, 2015)

Ban him.


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Jan 7, 2015)

DaveCinzano said:


> You have to admire their bottle


We're not going to leche you milk this for too long


----------



## Maggot (Jan 7, 2015)

It's all happening in Oswestry.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 7, 2015)

editor said:


> Errr - what's my quote from 2001 got to do with this?


The curse of the tapatalk random quote generator I'm afraid. For some reason it sometimes finds a post from years ago when you reply to a current thread - often from a politics type thread. Sorry! 

My post was aimed at Onket by the way.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 7, 2015)

Maggot said:


> It's all happening in Oswestry.


He must have very large fingers.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jan 7, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> He must have very large fingers.



or a teeny tiny little bucket.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 7, 2015)

el-ahrairah said:


> or a teeny tiny little bucket.


Possibly - a toy one perhaps.


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Jan 7, 2015)

*Reading Buses award Mr Pinky his own bus smartcard*





http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/local-news/reading-buses-award-mr-pinky-8398493 

An article about a vallied up cat getting a bus pass.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 7, 2015)

How is he vallied up?


----------



## Onket (Jan 7, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> The curse of the tapatalk random quote generator I'm afraid. For some reason it sometimes finds a post from years ago when you reply to a current thread - often from a politics type thread. Sorry!
> 
> My post was aimed at Onket by the way.


A likely story.


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Jan 7, 2015)

Orang Utan said:


> How is he vallied up?



If you've ever met a cat that will calmly sit in a busy city centre on a Friday night, allowing drunk strangers to stroke and pet him, then you've met a vallied up cat.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 7, 2015)

Cats have personalities. Some are really like that. 
Some are scratchy buggers.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 7, 2015)

Jon-of-arc said:


> If you've ever met a cat that will calmly sit in a busy city centre on a Friday night, allowing drunk strangers to stroke and pet him, then you've met a vallied up cat.


Don't think this cat is on vallies:
http://www.iizcat.com/post/1211/Cat-interrupts-German-weather-broadcast-and-demands-cuddles


----------



## scifisam (Jan 7, 2015)

Orang Utan said:


> Don't think this cat is on vallies:
> http://www.iizcat.com/post/1211/Cat-interrupts-German-weather-broadcast-and-demands-cuddles


That looks and acts exactly like my cat. Maybe he went off travelling while I was away.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 8, 2015)

That's one tissue I am definitely not touching without marigolds, true or no

 

http://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/lewisham/11711101.New_Cross_sex_cinema_rumour__a_tissue_of_lies_/


----------



## Ground Elder (Jan 9, 2015)

From the Isles of Scilly Police Facebook page



> Somebody has forced open the door to the Football Club shed at the playing field next to the school. It is fairly evident that this was done sometime over Tuesday evening and most probably to get a football out for a kick around. Regrettably however the door was damaged in the process as can be seen in the picture with the bottom of the door split. There are few clues as to how this came to happen other than a fried egg was left at the scene.
> 
> I will be attending school tomorrow to ask at assembly if anyone knows anything about this. We are just looking for the person responsible to own up and this can all be dealt with quite amicably which is the request of the shed owners.
> 
> ...


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jan 9, 2015)

a fried egg?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 9, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> From the Isles of Scilly Police Facebook page
> 
> 
> View attachment 66101


Excellent local newspaper pointing skills there


----------



## JTG (Jan 9, 2015)

el-ahrairah said:


> a fried egg?


A fried egg


----------



## Ground Elder (Jan 9, 2015)

At least it wasn't poachers


----------



## Onket (Jan 9, 2015)

Whoever did it is in for a grilling.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jan 9, 2015)

could have been some local thug or oeuf?


----------



## Onket (Jan 9, 2015)

A soldier, perhaps?


----------



## DotCommunist (Jan 9, 2015)

pointy copper should have a word in someones shell


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 12, 2015)

*Do you recognise this man?*

*




*

http://www.sunderlandecho.com/news/crime/do-you-recognise-this-man-1-7044418#.VLLxw3KoWdw.facebook

No.


----------



## Cloo (Jan 12, 2015)

el-ahrairah said:


> could have been some local thug or oeuf?


This is what happens when you coddle vandals.


----------



## Yelkcub (Jan 12, 2015)

DaveCinzano said:


> Excellent local newspaper pointing skills there



Eggscellent?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 12, 2015)

Yelkcub said:


> Eggscellent?


I bet she's got a copy of that pic to stick in the family photo albumen


----------



## Jon-of-arc (Jan 12, 2015)

Vice are on to the fried egg bandits.

http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/help-find-the-fried-egg-thief-of-scilly-909?utm_source=vicefbuk


----------



## Onket (Jan 13, 2015)

neonwilderness said:


> *Do you recognise this man?*
> 
> *
> 
> ...


Looks a bit like an egg, tbf.


----------



## JTG (Jan 13, 2015)

Onket said:


> Looks a bit like an egg, tbf.


----------



## T & P (Jan 14, 2015)

It's grim up Blackheath...

*Hunt on for 'disgusting' man caught on camera 'having a poo' at bus stop*

http://www.yourlocalguardian.co.uk/..._on_camera__having_a_poo__at_bus_stop/?ref=mr


----------



## Voley (Jan 14, 2015)

*Falmouth police issue description of stolen Christmas tree as '6ft tall, with lots of green branches and prickly bits'*

Read more: http://www.westbriton.co.uk/Falmout...tory-25740340-detail/story.html#ixzz3OorQ4acF


----------



## little_legs (Jan 14, 2015)




----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 15, 2015)

*Anger as developer blocks off hamlet bus shelter in Northumberland*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/anger-developer-blocks-hamlet-bus-8452579

Some good photos of someone standing at the stop looking outraged


----------



## JTG (Jan 15, 2015)

neonwilderness said:


> *Anger as developer blocks off hamlet bus shelter in Northumberland*
> 
> http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/anger-developer-blocks-hamlet-bus-8452579
> 
> Some good photos of someone standing at the stop looking outraged


It's very hard to envisage what somebody being forced to wait for a bus in the rain looks like without this kind of visual aid tbf


----------



## cyberfairy (Jan 15, 2015)

http://www.thewestmorlandgazette.co...er_helping_scruffy_stranger_on_train_/?ref=mr

Scruffy Banksy in Kendal?


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jan 15, 2015)

neonwilderness said:


> *Anger as developer blocks off hamlet bus shelter in Northumberland*
> 
> http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/anger-developer-blocks-hamlet-bus-8452579
> 
> Some good photos of someone standing at the stop looking outraged


The bus timetable also seems a little...sparse!


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 15, 2015)

QueenOfGoths said:


> The bus timetable also seems a little...sparse!


That's quite regular for a village up there


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 17, 2015)

With friends like these, etc:




http://www.romfordrecorder.co.uk/ne...d_after_jackass_pranks_with_accused_1_3920309


----------



## el-ahrairah (Jan 17, 2015)

romford


----------



## rekil (Jan 17, 2015)

Where's the #JeSuisJackassPrankster unity march?


----------



## Onket (Jan 17, 2015)

That's just horrible.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 17, 2015)

Haemorrhage of the pancreas - that does not sound a whole bundle of fun (not that the 25 broken ribs do either)


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 19, 2015)

*Five year old Alex is billed £15.95 for failing to attend friend's birthday party*

http://www.cornishguardian.co.uk/ye...tory-25887657-detail/story.html#ixzz3PGDq3VZ6


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 19, 2015)

http://www.cornishguardian.co.uk/Fa...d-son-chased/story-25755677-detail/story.html


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 19, 2015)

*Drink-driver blames steak and ale pie for taking him over the limit*

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.../drink-driver-blames-steak-and-ale-pie-687319


----------



## DotCommunist (Jan 19, 2015)

all the alcohol is boiled off in the cooking though


----------



## chandlerp (Jan 19, 2015)

That Cornish Guardian site is a fucking goldmine:

http://www.cornishguardian.co.uk/Po...assing-woman/story-25777509-detail/story.html


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 19, 2015)

DotCommunist said:


> all the alcohol is boiled off in the cooking though


Even if it wasn't, I doubt there would be enough to put you twice over the limit


----------



## laptop (Jan 19, 2015)

DotCommunist said:


> all the alcohol is boiled off in the cooking though





> ...
> here's an oldie that is well past its sell-by date: if you cook with wine, all the alcohol is "burned off" by the heat.
> 
> When I started telling people about my plan to see if I could eat myself drunk, I heard this piece of kitchen folklore again and again. And no wonder: it seems so plausible. The boiling point of ethanol is about 78.5 °C, significantly lower than the boiling point of, say, a casserole. So if you add wine to a hot pan, the alcohol evaporates.
> ...


----------



## ddraig (Jan 21, 2015)

*Bizarre! Warden issues £30 fine to wheelie bin for parking on double yellow lines*
*http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/bizarre-warden-issues-30-fine-8487623*
*




*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 21, 2015)

ddraig said:


> *Bizarre! Warden issues £30 fine to wheelie bin for parking on double yellow lines*
> *http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/bizarre-warden-issues-30-fine-8487623*
> *
> 
> ...


Another busy day in Carmarthen, then


----------



## ddraig (Jan 21, 2015)

oh ai!


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jan 22, 2015)

I just don't know how my nice, moral, Christian, town keeps ending up in the Daily Mail:



> A 35-year-old Nebraska man who is a registered sex offender allegedly forced a female victim to sign a 'slave contract' before torturing her, burning her with cigarettes and lighters and forcing her to drink urine every day.
> 
> Nicholas Allen Talbot, of Lincoln, wrote 'PROPERTY OF NICK' on the woman's arm in black marker and told her she 'only had rights the master gave her' after forcing her to sign the contract, which he said was legal.
> 
> Police arrested Talbot after the victim - a 32-year-old woman described as 'sweet' and vulnerable' - told her pastor and his wife.



http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...rink-urine-day-writing-Property-Nick-arm.html


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Jan 22, 2015)

ddraig said:


> *Bizarre! Warden issues £30 fine to wheelie bin for parking on double yellow lines*
> *http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/bizarre-warden-issues-30-fine-8487623*
> *
> 
> ...


Given that you need to enter the registration document and I believe the number below the tax disc when you issue a parking ticket I'm not sure how they would have done that


----------



## Ground Elder (Jan 27, 2015)

Not a paper headline (yet), but I'll post it here anyway. I'll be disappointed if this isn't true.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 27, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> I'll be dissapointed if this isn't true.
> View attachment 66924View attachment 66923


I think they're just kidding around


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Jan 27, 2015)

obvious puns get on my goat


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 27, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> Not a paper headline (yet), but I'll post it here anyway. I'll be dissapointed if this isn't true.
> View attachment 66924View attachment 66923


I hope this Alex Lyon gets some gruff justice


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Jan 27, 2015)

DaveCinzano said:


> I hope this Alex Lyon gets some gruff justice


he's still feeling like the butt of a joke, probably a bit roar


----------



## trabuquera (Jan 28, 2015)

it's a bleatantly obvious prank.


----------



## coley (Jan 28, 2015)

This dangerous dog act is really getting me goat!


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Jan 28, 2015)

trabuquera said:


> it's a bleatantly obvious prank.


baah!


----------



## T & P (Jan 28, 2015)




----------



## Pingu (Jan 28, 2015)

QueenOfGoths said:


> The bus timetable also seems a little...sparse!



its similar to ours. one bus in the morning and another mid afternoon

where my mum used to live on Anglesey if she wanted to go to Bangor to the shops then there was one bus that went there and gave her 35 minutes to do her shopping before returning to Mon. this is why i sometimes laugh at city folk and in particular London based urbanites whose stock response to a certain type of thread is "cant you just get the bus or tube?"


----------



## Dogsauce (Jan 29, 2015)




----------



## T & P (Jan 29, 2015)

The dog seems pretty okay with them though.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Jan 30, 2015)

yet again, the Westmorland Gazette...

*Ladies' loo door blew off in Silverdale*

http://www.thewestmorlandgazette.co.uk/news/11762170.Ladies__loo_door_blew_off_in_Silverdale/?ref=mr


----------



## Ground Elder (Jan 30, 2015)

http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/11759896.Drunk_woman_got_stuck_in_cattle_grid/


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 30, 2015)

pseudonarcissus said:


> yet again, the Westmorland Gazette...
> 
> *Ladies' loo door blew off in Silverdale*
> 
> http://www.thewestmorlandgazette.co.uk/news/11762170.Ladies__loo_door_blew_off_in_Silverdale/?ref=mr



Well, that _was_ the intention


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 30, 2015)

*Wheelie-bin blown over by the wind on Plymouth street*






http://www.plymouthherald.co.uk/Whe...mouth-street/story-25948084-detail/story.html


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 31, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> View attachment 67049
> http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/11759896.Drunk_woman_got_stuck_in_cattle_grid/


Sounds like bullocks to me


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Jan 31, 2015)

I knew it was a small airport but this is ridiculous

LEGO PLANE LANDS AT SOUTHAMPTON AIRPORT


----------



## lambro (Jan 31, 2015)

neonwilderness said:


> *Wheelie-bin blown over by the wind on Plymouth street*
> 
> 
> 
> ...



My wheelie bin blew over the other day and it hit my car.

My local press could have had a field day with my story.

Knew I should have rang em 






Possible culprit (lulz)


----------



## T & P (Jan 31, 2015)

neonwilderness said:


> *Wheelie-bin blown over by the wind on Plymouth street*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Seriously, how can they get away with printing shit like that? Are they so desperate for stories? Or is this the work of bored and mischievous journos who know they have a dead-end job and nothing to lose?


----------



## ska invita (Jan 31, 2015)

T & P said:


> Seriously, how can they get away with printing shit like that? Are they so desperate for stories? Or is this the work of bored and mischievous journos who know they have a dead-end job and nothing to lose?


click bait


----------



## lambro (Feb 2, 2015)

Not local but still


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 3, 2015)

lambro said:


> Not local but still


"Last night we approached Gregg's store in Northwich's trendy Leicester Street shopping area to get the company's response, but the shop had already closed for the evening."


----------



## pesh (Feb 3, 2015)




----------



## tufty79 (Feb 5, 2015)




----------



## Brixton Hatter (Feb 12, 2015)




----------



## T & P (Feb 12, 2015)

I thought all the paper headline threads had been merged?


----------



## el-ahrairah (Feb 12, 2015)

T & P said:


> I thought all the paper headline threads had been merged?



apparently not. 

i might strike.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 13, 2015)

No idea what paper, and it's not the headline, but still


----------



## Ground Elder (Feb 13, 2015)

My kind of caterer


----------



## JimW (Feb 16, 2015)

Not local, saw it on twitter, a correction in the Lexington Dispatch:


----------



## ddraig (Feb 17, 2015)

http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/zig-zagging-lane-wales-cycle-path-8661327


----------



## ddraig (Feb 18, 2015)

http://southwales-eveningpost.co.uk/having-whipround-funeral-Neath-business-owner/story-26041074-detail/story.html



> "*They're having a whip-round for my funeral!" Neath business owner says she's not dead despite Facebook rumours*


----------



## ddraig (Feb 18, 2015)

.


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 19, 2015)

*Greggs shop closure in Newcastle's Grainger Market disappoints customers*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/greggs-shop-closure-newcastles-grainger-8672739

There's only another 11 branches in the city centre


----------



## ddraig (Feb 25, 2015)

American tourists try to drive 
a beach to an island as they set sat nav there!
It's a fair way off the coast 
http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/oops-american-tourists-left-stuck-8716283






> "They won't be the first to have their vehicle rescued from the beach, but possibly the first to have set a Sat Nav for Caldey."
> 
> The red-faced pair received "divine intervention" in the form of passers-by who took three hours to get them off the beach.
> 
> ...


also made Telegraph





http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/new...fter-satnav-doesnt-say-they-need-a-ferry.html


----------



## rekil (Feb 27, 2015)




----------



## laptop (Feb 27, 2015)

copliker said:


> View attachment 68180





> Your search for 'sheep' in 'Carmarthen Journal' found *959 matches
> *
> Read more: http://www.carmarthenjournal.co.uk/search/search.html?searchType=&searchPhrase=sheep






 
* Sheep could create digital rural hotspots *
A PIONEERING project to turn West Wales farmers' fields into digital smart zones with the help of livestock has been launched.The plan is to connect the...




* Driver shocked by sighting of 'UFO' in Carmarthenshire *
A LLANDEILO woman believes she may have seen a UFO flying in the skies around the town.Lisa Woodward was driving back home on Thursday night when she spotted a...


----------



## CRI (Mar 1, 2015)

Happy Arsonist (from my home town radio station website)


----------



## ddraig (Mar 5, 2015)

http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/watch-moment-heartless-thief-walks-8779260
*Watch moment man appears to steal two fish from a pet shop and put them in his POCKET*


> *'It was horrifying to see'*
> “You can see him over five minutes trying to catch the fish with his hand, he then catches one and drops it on the floor before picking it up and putting it in his pocket.
> 
> “Then he just casually walks out the store, stopping to chat to someone on the way.
> ...


----------



## MrSki (Mar 5, 2015)




----------



## tufty79 (Mar 9, 2015)

Hard-hitting news from the YEP:


----------



## MrSki (Mar 14, 2015)




----------



## starfish (Mar 14, 2015)

The Argus has some good ones.


----------



## oryx (Mar 23, 2015)

*Fraudster pulled out rat in top Sunderland bistro in free meal bid*

http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/ne...ter_produces_rat_in_bid_for_free_meal/?ref=mr

'By then the restaurant owner had spotted the black and white rat looked suspiciously clean and quickly identified it as a pet. Using a towel, he scooped up the tame rodent and put it in a box with airholes.

"It looked like it had just had its hair done," Mr Smith said.'


----------



## CRI (Mar 25, 2015)

Her photo is enough to freak me out.


----------



## trabuquera (Mar 26, 2015)

clearly the pre-election campaign pressure is really getting to Sam Cameron. it's uncanny...


----------



## Indeliblelink (Mar 27, 2015)

*Lost Prophets Tribute Band Seeks Lead Vocalist*
http://www.gumtree.com/p/community/lostprophets-tribute-band-seeks-lead-vocalist/1105129755

Ok yes its not local news


----------



## Fez909 (Mar 27, 2015)

oryx said:


> *Fraudster pulled out rat in top Sunderland bistro in free meal bid*
> 
> http://www.thenorthernecho.co.uk/ne...ter_produces_rat_in_bid_for_free_meal/?ref=mr
> 
> ...


Wow. I read the Metro's version of this story and was confused (and amused) by how they described the cleanliness of the rat. It wasn't that it LOOKED like it had just had its hair done, it had!


> But when pest control was brought in, they smelled a domesticated rat that had recently had its hair cut and Baker’s ruse was uncovered.


This was my favourite detail:


> Kevin Smith, owner of the bistro said: ‘People like him deserve the death penalty.’


http://metro.co.uk/2015/03/23/diner-released-rat-to-get-out-of-paying-bill-5116818/


----------



## el-ahrairah (Mar 27, 2015)

its the rat i feel sorry for in all this.


----------



## rekil (Mar 27, 2015)

Ok it's been in the nationals but... "Baker ‘knew in her heart’ she could not make pro-gay cake"



> Ashers, which is run by the McArthur family, declined the request for a cake with an image of Sesame Street puppets Bert and Ernie below the motto Support Gay Marriage. It had been ordered for a private function marking International Day Against Homophobia last May.


----------



## oryx (Mar 27, 2015)

el-ahrairah said:


> its the rat i feel sorry for in all this.



I do - on a more serious note, it sounded like it was a pet and was released 'back into the wild'.

Although I am struggling to imagine a rat looking like it had just had its hair done. I wish I could do Photoshop.


----------



## rekil (Mar 28, 2015)




----------



## Voley (Mar 28, 2015)




----------



## Favelado (Mar 28, 2015)

lol


----------



## rekil (Mar 28, 2015)




----------



## scifisam (Mar 28, 2015)

el-ahrairah said:


> its the rat i feel sorry for in all this.



Yeah, it's basically been sent off to a horrible death.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Mar 28, 2015)

http://www.newsshopper.co.uk/news/11878962._Granny_racer__spotted_in_Orpington/?ref=ar


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 29, 2015)

Both from the Manchester Evening News.


----------



## bi0boy (Mar 29, 2015)

Solar eclipse killed my sheep, says Gloucestershire farmer


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 29, 2015)

bi0boy said:


> Solar eclipse killed my sheep, says Gloucestershire farmer



I suspect the sheep just died of natural causes really.  I've had a look at his website (handy plug he had in the local rag on the back of his dead sheep) and if you are that way inclined, you can buy an 'earthing sheet' that plugs into the mains from only £69.  

http://earthingtherapy.co.uk/ 

The site even quotes Prince Charles, so it is obviously rigorously scientific.


----------



## bi0boy (Mar 29, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> The site even quotes Prince Charles, so it is obviously rigorously scientific.



I like how the "Scientific Info" page includes quotes from Lewis Carol and Jonathan Swift


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Mar 29, 2015)

bi0boy said:


> I like how the "Scientific Info" page includes quotes from Lewis Carol and Jonathan Swift



and a pic of ying and yang


----------



## iona (Mar 29, 2015)

My local news is mostly proper news this week but on page one of the news, in between serious stuff about traffic and the election and an attempted murder, is an article about how to improve your casserole (add mushrooms), promoted by the Mushroom Bureau.

Oh no, actually on further reading a someone has appeared in court charged with stealing four packets of fruit pastilles.



> He was ordered to pay a victim surcharge of £15, but no order for compensation was made.
> 
> The £15 charge would amount to roughly 26 packets of Fruit Pastilles.


----------



## Enviro (Mar 30, 2015)

Not very local but there's a headline on the BBC front page that states:

"*Watchmakers embrace wearable tech"

Thank goodness for the beeb!*


----------



## DotCommunist (Mar 30, 2015)

Vandals climbed onto roofs of cars in Rothwell



Kettering and surrounding areas continue to descend into lawlessness


----------



## trabuquera (Mar 31, 2015)

Not a newspaper so much as a viral-video and social-media phenomenon:

*Rampant rhino runs riot through Nepali bazaar*



It killed an old lady, injured 6 other people, and poked its nose into the local a&e apparently...
https://globalvoicesonline.org/2015/03/31/a-runway-rhinoceros-rampages-through-a-bazaar-in-nepal/

Very, very, very rare (even by rhino standards) Asian one-horned species. And I'd heard for years about how dangerous these beasts can be when they charge but - yikes - the video shows why - it's absolutely belting along and doesn't even seem to be in that much of a hurry.


----------



## el-ahrairah (Mar 31, 2015)

that's pretty amazing and is real news and therefore not deserving of this thread at all!


----------



## Indeliblelink (Mar 31, 2015)

found this while clearing out some rubbish the other day.


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Mar 31, 2015)

pretty Katherine Pollard? I hope this isn;t a recent piece


----------



## el-ahrairah (Apr 1, 2015)

one time on acid i freaked out because of the existence of sandi toksviq, so i can entirely sympathise.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Apr 6, 2015)

http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/l...After-Carbon-Monoxide-Incident-298813331.html


----------



## trabuquera (Apr 14, 2015)

*Man Blames Armadillo After Accidentally Shooting Mother-In-Law*

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mbvd/man-ac...her-in-law-after-bullet-ricochets#.hvJ6KdxgKj

Georgia, USA, what a surprise. It's worth clicking through for the local sheriff's commentary on this urgently relevant story.

One online comment: "Ah, the old 'blame the armadillo' alibi..."


----------



## oryx (Apr 21, 2015)

*Womble destroyed in fire

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/12899584.Womble_destroyed_in_fire/




			Firefighters found a downlight had set fire to a toy Orinoco Womble and used a dry powder extinguisher to put out the blaze. "The Womble was 100 per cent damaged by fire and there was 5 per cent damage to the wiring," said a spokesman.
		
Click to expand...

*


----------



## MysteryGuest (Apr 23, 2015)

Yeah if 'womb' is pronounced 'woom', shouldn't the Wombles be pronounced the Woomles?  Or am I missing something here?

Anyway, I know the St*ndard isn't really 'local', but I'm posting this here anyway and there's nothing you can do about it.

http://www.standard.co.uk/news/lond...d-on-south-london-street-corner-10188658.html


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 26, 2015)

Not a newspaper headline, but a tweet from the local police helicopter people.


----------



## neonwilderness (Apr 28, 2015)

*Anger as vandals smash plant pots outside the Badger pub in Ponteland*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/anger-vandals-smash-plant-pots-9124625

((Badgers))


----------



## Opera Buffa (Apr 29, 2015)

The Bristol Evening Post is Only 64p to subscribers.


----------



## neonwilderness (Apr 29, 2015)

*Mysterious buttons appear on West Jesmond doors*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/mysterious-buttons-appear-west-jesmond-9140120


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 30, 2015)

"Woman finds a potato shaped like a chicken." 

No, it just looks like a potato. 



http://m.lancashiretelegraph.co.uk/..._woman_finds_potato_shaped_like_a_chicken___/


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (May 1, 2015)

neonwilderness said:


> *Mysterious buttons appear on West Jesmond doors*
> 
> http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/mysterious-buttons-appear-west-jesmond-9140120



it's OK everyone

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/west-jesmond-button-mystery-solved-9142639


----------



## Combustible (May 2, 2015)

*Royal baby: Could new princess share Coventry's most popular name?
*
http://www.coventrytelegraph.net/news/coventry-news/royal-baby-could-new-princess-9169102



> Coventry’s most popular girl’s name, Amelia, is a 100/1 outside bet while the city’s second most popular name, Olivia, is at 50/1.


----------



## laptop (May 2, 2015)

Combustible said:


> *Royal baby: Could new princess share Coventry's most popular name?*
> 
> http://www.coventrytelegraph.net/news/coventry-news/royal-baby-could-new-princess-9169102



They've not heard of HINCHLIFFE'S RULE:



> Whenever the title... is a question with a yes/no answer, the answer is always no.


----------



## Ponyutd (May 5, 2015)

Bald man acting like a nob.


----------



## Maggot (May 6, 2015)

Ponyutd said:


> Bald man acting like a nob.


That is not a local paper.


----------



## Ponyutd (May 6, 2015)

Quite right.
I feel humiliated.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 6, 2015)

Maggot said:


> That is not a local paper.



It is!  There is a Waitrose near me and they give that away, therefore it is a local paper.


----------



## neonwilderness (May 7, 2015)

*Gosforth mystery dog poo sprayer shames irresponsible pet owners*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/gosforth-mystery-dog-poo-sprayer-9191873



> Are you the mystery poo sprayer in Gosforth? If so, give us a ring


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 7, 2015)

neonwilderness said:


> *Gosforth mystery dog poo sprayer shames irresponsible pet owners*
> 
> http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/gosforth-mystery-dog-poo-sprayer-9191873


Not read the article, but is someone spray painting dog shit they find lurking on the pavement - say, an attractive shade of dayglo yellow? Or are they spraying liquid dog shit like farmers do on their fields from those shit wagons?


----------



## danny la rouge (May 7, 2015)

neonwilderness said:


> *Gosforth mystery dog poo sprayer shames irresponsible pet owners*
> 
> http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/gosforth-mystery-dog-poo-sprayer-9191873


Someone here used to draw chalk circles round dog poo. They stopped some years ago, presumed deceased.


----------



## neonwilderness (May 7, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Not read the article, but is someone spray painting dog shit they find lurking on the pavement - say, an attractive shade of dayglo yellow? Or are they spraying liquid dog shit like farmers do on their fields from those shit wagons?





> Piles of poo left behind by irresponsible dog owners in Gosforth Central Park, Newcastle, have been found sprayed in a bright purple colour.
> 
> And flags have been erected next to the mess with a picture of a skull and crossbones and the words: “Beware, selfish dog owner.”


----------



## Maggot (May 7, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Not read the article, but is someone spray painting dog shit they find lurking on the pavement - say, an attractive shade of dayglo yellow? Or are they spraying liquid dog shit like farmers do on their fields from those shit wagons?


You could have read the first line of the article in much less time than it took to type that post out!


----------



## jakethesnake (May 7, 2015)

danny la rouge said:


> Someone here used to draw chalk circles round dog poo. They stopped some years ago, presumed deceased.


Someone has been doing just that round here recently so perhaps they moved to Exeter rather than dying.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 7, 2015)

Surely it would be easier just to bag it up and lob it in a bin?


----------



## Pseudopsycho (May 7, 2015)

Someone down our way spraypaints rings around dog mess. It's not enough though as the bastard owners seem to enjoy bagging it up and throwing their shit into the trees outside the primary school


----------



## neonwilderness (May 13, 2015)

*Kingston Park pensioner Jean Crilly forgives thief for stealing her bird bath after apology*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/kingston-park-pensioner-jean-crilly-9248332


----------



## Casual Observer (May 13, 2015)

*Couple engaged in 'full-on' sex on George Green, Wanstead*

http://www.guardian-series.co.uk/ne...ll_on_porn_movie__on_public_green/?ref=twtrec


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 25, 2015)

Scary evil bus clowns in Greater Manchester. A mother is FURIOUS!  

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co...tergeist-clown-advert-buses-complaint-9311961



And this is the terror clown that traumatised poor innocent children.  The Advertising Standards Authority are looking into complaints apparently.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 25, 2015)

And a cow loose on the motorway. 

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co...news/cow-m62-rochdale-closed-motorway-9317759


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jun 2, 2015)

*Woman wakes up to find 12 mystery cows outside her home*

from the Lincolnshire Echo


----------



## little_legs (Jun 3, 2015)




----------



## jakethesnake (Jun 4, 2015)

*Exeter warned of sausage stealing seagull*

http://www.exeterexpressandecho.co....ling-seagull/story-26625910-detail/story.html


----------



## T & P (Jun 4, 2015)

jakethesnake said:


> http://www.exeterexpressandecho.co....ling-seagull/story-26625910-detail/story.html



It's a great headline but for maximum effect and in the spirit of the thread, you ought to copy the headline on your post, and on large, bold font


----------



## jakethesnake (Jun 4, 2015)

T & P said:


> It's a great headline but for maximum effect and in the spirit of the thread, you ought to copy the headline on your post, and on large, bold font


Done.


----------



## Ponyutd (Jun 4, 2015)




----------



## Pseudopsycho (Jun 5, 2015)

Ponyutd said:


> snip



SO that's how the cuntservitives are going to solve the problem of the elderly in the NHS? Euthanise your old dears and get free pastry?


----------



## MooChild (Jun 5, 2015)

'Incredible' father from Sutton Coldfield fights cow to save unconscious son from deadly kicking

'His grandma_* pleaded with the cow to let him go*_ and on hearing the commotion, Josh’s dad Peter rushed to the rescue and lifted the cow off his son.'

Great journalism there.


----------



## SaskiaJayne (Jun 5, 2015)

> Police had to intervene when a cyclist became over excited as participants in a naked protest bike ride gathered for a cheeky demonstration around Canterbury on Saturday afternoon.



Erection at World naked bike ride.


----------



## Voley (Jun 5, 2015)

SaskiaJayne said:


> Erection at World naked bike ride.





> They claim they are protesting about safety but hardly any are wearing helmets.


----------



## MrSki (Jun 6, 2015)

Ponyutd said:


>


Posted by Maggot over a year ago.


Maggot said:


> Mmmm, sausage rolls.


----------



## Ponyutd (Jun 6, 2015)

Reincarnation


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jun 6, 2015)

An odd story from the local rag:

 

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co...hester-news/police-called-new-age-man-9396783 - the story explains that he didn't actually get into the river, so the headline is incorrect.


----------



## bi0boy (Jun 6, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> An odd story from the local rag:
> 
> View attachment 72352
> 
> http://www.manchestereveningnews.co...hester-news/police-called-new-age-man-9396783 - the story explains that he didn't actually get into the river, so the headline is incorrect.



It should more accurately be entitled "Man stands near river, police ask council to secure the area"


----------



## trabuquera (Jun 10, 2015)

*Raining lampreys: Eel-like fish drop from the air in Fairbanks*
http://www.newsminer.com/news/local...cle_d2708230-0a6e-11e5-92de-0f49b9858fcd.html


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jun 12, 2015)

A man caught wanking onto t-shirts in TK Maxx, allegedly.  

I like the euphemism 'damaged' when we know they mean 'covered in spunk'.


----------



## oryx (Jun 12, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I like the euphemism 'damaged' when we know they mean 'covered in spunk'.


----------



## T & P (Jun 12, 2015)

Surely that is the highest kind of compliment/ feedback the company could hope to get about its products?


----------



## T & P (Jun 17, 2015)

Here's a man who's watched Little Shop of Horrors too many times...


*Councillor Mike Blackwell fears mystery Poundland plant could be deadly*

http://www.bucksfreepress.co.uk/new...s_mystery_Poundland_plant_could_be_dangerous/



> A man who thought he was growing a Venus flytrap after buying seeds from Poundland has been left with a mystery plant he fears could be dangerous.
> 
> Mike Blackwell, who lives in Saunderton, bought what he thought were the carnivorous plant seeds in Poundland High Wycombe, but the Parish Councillor has been left with the unknown plant instead.
> 
> Mr Blackwell says the anonymous plant, which he says has been growing at an alarming rate since he bought them in April, has left him confused.


----------



## chandlerp (Jun 17, 2015)




----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jun 17, 2015)

SaskiaJayne said:


> Erection at World naked bike ride.






> It is the third time the daring demonstration has taken part in Canterbury but last year there were some complaints, including about one man who turned up naked without a bike.


----------



## Ground Elder (Jun 17, 2015)

*Woman bites dog but fails to save pet Yorkie from killer Alsatian*

"I fell to the ground and I tried to bite the dog but all I had was a mouth full of hair." 

http://www.westernmorningnews.co.uk...orkie-killer/story-26715880-detail/story.html


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jun 18, 2015)

*Hot tub adrift in English Channel*
http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/13339683.Hot_tub_adrift_in_English_Channel/?ref=mr&lp=2


----------



## Maggot (Jun 19, 2015)

MooChild said:


> 'Incredible' father from Sutton Coldfield fights cow to save unconscious son from deadly kicking
> 
> 'His grandma_* pleaded with the cow to let him go*_ and on hearing the commotion, Josh’s dad Peter rushed to the rescue and lifted the cow off his son.'
> 
> Great journalism there.


Your username is very apt.


----------



## sim667 (Jun 19, 2015)

I feel a bit bad for posting this as Fanny was a total local legend, but the paper could have been a bit more tasteful in selecting the wording of their headline. 

Edit: no I've actually been trying to think of better wording and however you put it it doesn't read great


----------



## bi0boy (Jun 22, 2015)

*'Tired bee' rescued by police in Cambridge*


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Jun 22, 2015)

T & P said:


> Here's a man who's watched Little Shop of Horrors too many times...
> 
> 
> *Councillor Mike Blackwell fears mystery Poundland plant could be deadly*
> ...


This is just...hilarious!

I mean I buy things from Poundland but you get to know there are certain things that are fine bought from Poundland and certain things that just aren't and I think this is in the aren't catagory


----------



## Rebelda (Jun 22, 2015)

I know the editor and she will have been laughing like a drain as she gave this front page headline the OK


----------



## bi0boy (Jun 23, 2015)

*Police helicopter called out to search for men 'knocking on doors asking for directions'*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 24, 2015)

sim667 said:


> I feel a bit bad for posting this as Fanny was a total local legend, but the paper could have been a bit more tasteful in selecting the wording of their headline.
> 
> Edit: no I've actually been trying to think of better wording and however you put it it doesn't read great
> 
> View attachment 72897


GUSHING TRIBUTES


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jun 24, 2015)

http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/1334...nd_Dungeoness_crab_into_the_sea_off_Brighton/


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 24, 2015)

Indeliblelink said:


> View attachment 73134
> 
> http://www.theargus.co.uk/news/1334...nd_Dungeoness_crab_into_the_sea_off_Brighton/


I bet they are bisquing in the glory now


----------



## Ground Elder (Jun 26, 2015)

*Cornwall's fields echo with 'cauliflower creak'*

Something to look forward to 

...an eerie sound which drifts across the fields of the _[sic]_ Cornwall  – could be at its loudest for a quarter of a century, farmers have predicted...

http://www.cornishman.co.uk/Cornwal...flower-creak/story-26772184-detail/story.html


----------



## May Kasahara (Jun 26, 2015)

I believe I heard that same creak echoing forth from my bathroom this morning.


----------



## ddraig (Jun 26, 2015)

check here for your entries folks!  
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/06/26/funny-local-news-headlines_n_7672110.html


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jun 28, 2015)

Obviously a major news story that merits coverage.  



http://www.manchestereveningnews.co...news/woman-lost-teddy-bear-manchester-9537450


----------



## butchersapron (Jun 30, 2015)




----------



## JimW (Jun 30, 2015)

Surely some revelation is at hand.


----------



## Roadkill (Jul 1, 2015)




----------



## T & P (Jul 1, 2015)

T & P said:


> I thought all the paper headline threads had been merged?


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Jul 1, 2015)

the Westmoreland Gazette again....it's nt the headline that caught my attention, it was the last paragraph...

A MURDER investigation has been launched after a man’s body was found in Windermere today (Wednesday).

Officers were called at 2.04am this morning to reports of concern for the welfare of a male in Brookside, Lake Road. The man was pronounced dead at the scene.

His body was found in the street outside a guest house.

Police are currently working on identifying the body and tracing the next of kin.

Four people – two local males aged 26 and 31, and two females, aged 48 and 15, who were visiting the Lake District - have been arrested on suspicion of murder and are currently being questioned by Police.

....

South Lakeland District Council have said that there will be some disruption to bin collections as a result of the police investigation.


----------



## JimW (Jul 1, 2015)

Not afraid to tackle the issues that really matter in Westmorland.


----------



## Chemical needs (Jul 2, 2015)

*Pussycat’s astronomic moon shot photobomb*

**


----------



## Steel Icarus (Jul 3, 2015)

It's all kicking off in Louth, Lincs

http://www.grimsbytelegraph.co.uk/L...ge-scarecrow/story-26828376-detail/story.html



> a bucket of water


----------



## Favelado (Jul 3, 2015)

South London Press once went with CYBER SANTA PERVA ALERT in about 2000.

Obviously squirrels and that too..


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 3, 2015)

pseudonarcissus said:


> the Westmoreland Gazette again....it's nt the headline that caught my attention, it was the last paragraph...
> 
> A MURDER investigation has been launched after a man’s body was found in Windermere today (Wednesday).
> 
> ...





JimW said:


> Not afraid to tackle the issues that really matter in Westmorland.



They take the whole 'sort dismembered limbs into correct bin' thing pretty seriously there


----------



## rekil (Jul 3, 2015)

Court hears ‘very attractive’ bachelor struggled to clear bar

I can't see the local paper report on this alas but this'll do.



> “They weren’t all consuming alcohol. There is a strong social aspect to the premises – there is a social attraction there in that my client is a bachelor and young women find him very attractive,” his solicitor Pádraig O’Connell said.
> 
> His client was “a slight rogue,” the solicitor said.
> 
> To which Judge James O’Connor replied: “Most of your clients are rogues!”


----------



## butchersapron (Jul 3, 2015)

Fantastic instructions:


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 7, 2015)

And kebabking shut it!


----------



## kebabking (Jul 7, 2015)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 7, 2015)

kebabking said:


>



I know you'd fucking laugh.   

Twat!


----------



## kebabking (Jul 7, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I know you'd fucking laugh.
> 
> Twat!



its 'kn_e_w'. see, told you Manchester wasn't good for you.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 7, 2015)

kebabking said:


> its 'kn_e_w'. see, told you Manchester wasn't good for you.



Enjoy your water shortage having to drink your own piss, midlander boy.


----------



## machine cat (Jul 7, 2015)

Meanwhile, in Yorkshire...

*Fascinating history of the oldest lamppost in Netherton village*

http://www.examiner.co.uk/news/west...ing-history-oldest-lamppost-netherton-9604519


----------



## MrSki (Jul 9, 2015)




----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 9, 2015)

Tbf that's quite a big event for Dorking, normally the news there is kabbes considers buying a new pair of driving gloves, or something.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jul 9, 2015)

http://www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/surrey-news/swan-wandering-road-holds-up-9624475

*Swan wandering in the road holds up traffic in Guildford town centre*

*



*


----------



## JimW (Jul 13, 2015)

*Drunk Stonehouse dad offered to fight two police officers and then tried to eat the mattress in his police cell*
West Country, la la la la.


----------



## machine cat (Jul 13, 2015)

*Lost something? West Yorkshire Police post tongue-in-cheek bid to find owner of black bag full of cannabis*


----------



## Chemical needs (Jul 13, 2015)

Massive?!? Pffft they're obviously too used to 10 bags and 20 bags


----------



## existentialist (Jul 13, 2015)

*Mini driver smashes in to fish van while pleasuring herself with sex toy*

http://www.bristolpost.co.uk/Mini-d...ring-sex-toy/story-26891651-detail/story.html

Not quite sure about all the "well fit" bollocks - I think that's a bit uncalled-for. But that's a headline to beat...


----------



## rekil (Jul 16, 2015)

*Girl kicked off bus for paying with a tenner*



> Fortunately her grandma was able to pick her up and drop her off at St Edmund Arrowsmith in time for the exam but Tony, of Foundry Lane, says he is disgusted at the driver’s attitude.


----------



## chandlerp (Jul 16, 2015)

I could understand the driver being pissed off if fares were still 9p


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 16, 2015)

The BBC rather than a local rag but this cheered me up today.


----------



## existentialist (Jul 16, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> The BBC rather than a local rag but this cheered me up today.
> 
> View attachment 74126


In this case, I presume "model" means "stuffed dead squirrel"?


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Jul 16, 2015)

existentialist said:


> Not quite sure about all the "well fit" bollocks



I didn't realise 'rabbits' were that anatomically correct...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 17, 2015)

*SUNBURN FURY*



A school took some kids on holiday to Spain, and oddly enough it was sunny. They were told repeatedly about using suncream but four kids ignored the teachers and got badly burnt. Now a parent of one lad is whinging about it - well boo fucking hoo. 

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.../barcelona-sunburn-buile-hill-college-9672874


----------



## Ground Elder (Jul 26, 2015)

*Council slammed over 'penis' road marks*

http://www.westernmorningnews.co.uk...s-road-marks/story-27487150-detail/story.html


----------



## machine cat (Jul 26, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> *Council slammed over 'penis' road marks*
> 
> http://www.westernmorningnews.co.uk...s-road-marks/story-27487150-detail/story.html





> The authority removed road markings but replaced over them with the wrong paint, which led to the smudging on the tarmac.
> 
> It has now left the roads covered with strange markings, resembling penises and other offensive gestures, outside homes.



Gold. Pure gold


----------



## T & P (Jul 26, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> *SUNBURN FURY*
> 
> View attachment 74147
> 
> ...


Clearly one of the teachers should have taken action and applied the sun cream on the bodies of the kids in question. Nobody could have possibly had a problem with that.

Oh wait...


----------



## machine cat (Jul 27, 2015)

*Taking offence over a fence! Gary Flowers spends £1,500 on bizarre planning protest*

*http://www.examiner.co.uk/news/west-yorkshire-news/watch-taking-offence-over-fence-9735365*


----------



## machine cat (Jul 27, 2015)

Gary Flowers has a lot of time on his hands it seems.


----------



## bi0boy (Jul 29, 2015)

Silly Season is here:

Cambridgeshire man, 37, wants to party with a female in Magaluf

A newly single man from Cambridgeshire has made a public plea for a woman to join him on a trip to Magaluf.

The Linton villager took to Gumtree this week to find a female aged 18-40 to travel with him to the notorious Balearic city.

The 37-year-old said he wants to "let me hair down" for at least a week of "partying, beach, alcohol and more partying".


That's it. That's the entire article.


----------



## sim667 (Jul 29, 2015)

I can hardly contain my excitement.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 2, 2015)

A shit story in the local rag, full of every shit pun they could think of.

 

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co...ster-news/thief-makes-run-it-stealing-9762163


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 2, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> A shit story in the local rag, full of every shit pun they could think of.
> 
> View attachment 74811
> 
> http://www.manchestereveningnews.co...ster-news/thief-makes-run-it-stealing-9762163


Could only be bettered if it involved a gang of former jailbirds specialising in this kind of robbery - EX-LAGS etc


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 2, 2015)

DaveCinzano said:


> Could only be bettered if it involved a gang of former jailbirds specialising in this kind of robbery - EX-LAGS etc



The police were quite witty with their comment about following through.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Aug 3, 2015)

*Teenagers get lost in dark after being chased by sheep in Lakes*


----------



## JimW (Aug 3, 2015)

pseudonarcissus said:


> *Teenagers get lost in dark after being chased by sheep in Lakes*


Beware the feral Herdwick, young man


----------



## DotCommunist (Aug 3, 2015)

from the Northamptonshire Telegraph



> *Thrapston chip shop in the running for national award again*



might have to check it out, my local one is mediocre


----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Aug 3, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> The police were quite witty with their comment about following through.


I heard that he's got money problems, someone said he's in dire arrears


----------



## bi0boy (Aug 4, 2015)

OK not exactly a local paper but I didn't know where to put this:

*Mom Throws Dream Party for Personal Injury Lawyer-Obsessed Toddler*


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 5, 2015)

OK not local news but ...
Surgeons warned playing drum and bass during operations puts patients at greater risk

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-s...drum-and-bass-during-procedures-10439163.html


----------



## laptop (Aug 5, 2015)

Indeliblelink said:


> OK not local news but ...
> Surgeons warned playing drum and bass during operations puts patients at greater risk
> 
> http://www.independent.co.uk/life-s...drum-and-bass-during-procedures-10439163.html



Really, really crap headline. Yes, I was amused to hear that it might be D&B I was not hearing.

But Wagner would put me at more risk. Not least from a reactionary old surgeon.


----------



## DotCommunist (Aug 5, 2015)

especially if he's doing an operation on your ringpiece


----------



## laptop (Aug 5, 2015)

DotCommunist said:


> especially if he's doing an operation on your ringpiece



Boom. Tish. Boom.


----------



## May Kasahara (Aug 5, 2015)

pseudonarcissus said:


> *Teenagers get lost in dark after being chased by sheep in Lakes*



"Stay off the moors!"


----------



## Opera Buffa (Aug 6, 2015)

*Swarms of flying ants are a "massive orgy in the sky"*

From the Bath Cronicle. 
_
What might be an annoyance for gardeners and cricketers and anyone caught up as the ants swarm is actually the highlight of the year for male ants. And they don't get very long to enjoy it._

http://www.bathchronicle.co.uk/Swar...tory-27541148-detail/story.html#ixzz3i4GdCSmS


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 8, 2015)

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.../piccadilly-gardens-drug-dealers-flee-9778678 

The dog was reunited with it's owner - http://www.manchestereveningnews.co...ews/homeless-man-devoted-dog-reunited-9812732


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 12, 2015)

*County Durham BT customer claims he spent 14 hours on hold to the company*

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/county-durham-bt-customer-claims-9841330

I also like the photo caption - "Generic photo of a man on a mobile phone"


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 13, 2015)

More from the _Chronicle_ - check the photo caption 

 

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/raids-across-newcastle-help-seize-9844318


----------



## T & P (Aug 13, 2015)




----------



## felixthecat (Aug 14, 2015)

*Woman driver smashes into van while pleasuring herself with a sex toy in Cirencester *

Western Daily Press, how we love you


----------



## JimW (Aug 14, 2015)

felixthecat said:


> *Woman driver smashes into van while pleasuring herself with a sex toy in Cirencester *
> 
> Western Daily Press, how we love you


Loads of that since they imposed the new erogenous zone by the Fairford roundabout.


----------



## Crispy (Aug 14, 2015)

Saw this one on holiday last month

 

Steady on, officers.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 14, 2015)

*Morris dancers and blind footballers in mass brawl*
http://www.suffolkgazette.com/news/morris-dancers-blind-footballers-brawl/


----------



## trabuquera (Aug 14, 2015)

^ my soul cries out for a shaky phone video of this event.
Loving everything about the Suffolk Gazette's reporting of the facts, including the subtitle to a general stock pic of some unrelated tits in bells: "_Morris dancers in happier times". _


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 14, 2015)

yes, I'd love to see some footage, sounds like something out of a slapstick film. I love the fact by the time the police got there they were all buying each other drinks.

I just noticed the name of the reporter =


----------



## Crispy (Aug 14, 2015)

That can't be real 

EDIT: Of course it's not

http://www.suffolkgazette.com/news/our-crime-editor-rob-banks-arrested/


----------



## Idris2002 (Aug 14, 2015)

JimW said:


> Beware the feral Herdwick, young man


For slithy are the borogroves.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 14, 2015)

On closer inspection I think the Suffolk Gazette might not be an entirely serious paper


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 14, 2015)

Indeliblelink said:


> On closer inspection I think the Suffolk Gazette might not be an entirely serious paper


Thus spake our Investigations Editor, Ivor Ninkling.


----------



## ddraig (Aug 14, 2015)

silly man torches own car
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-33931931


> Perry was jailed for three years at Cardiff Crown Court on Friday.
> 
> Judge David Aubrey QC said Perry smashed the windows of his untaxed car and tried to remove items from it on 21 February after the DVLA clamped it on School Street.
> 
> ...


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 14, 2015)

felixthecat said:


> *Woman driver smashes into van while pleasuring herself with a sex toy in Cirencester *
> 
> Western Daily Press, how we love you


You're a month late to that particular Ann Summers party

http://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/local-paper-headlines.282278/page-32#post-14005703


----------



## machine cat (Aug 14, 2015)

*Aneel Akhtar hid heroin and crack in wife's bra ahead of selling it on family holiday to Scarborough, court told*

http://www.examiner.co.uk/news/west-yorkshire-news/aneel-akhtar-hid-heroin-crack-9859840 

The story isn't that interesting tbf, but it's worth scrolling at least half way down the page.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 14, 2015)

machine cat said:


> *Aneel Akhtar hid heroin and crack in wife's bra ahead of selling it on family holiday to Scarborough, court told*
> 
> http://www.examiner.co.uk/news/west-yorkshire-news/aneel-akhtar-hid-heroin-crack-9859840
> 
> The story isn't that interesting tbf, but it's worth scrolling at least half way down the page.



Just in case the reader hadn't heard of a bra.


----------



## scifisam (Aug 14, 2015)

Let's include a picture of something to do with boobs!  Our circulation will increase and our advertisers will be happy! 

I think it probably has. Good on them.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 15, 2015)

Not local, but a nice minor example of rubbish/hackneyed promo prose from _The Times_:


----------



## Voley (Aug 15, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Just in case the reader hadn't heard of a bra.


Should've had the tagline "A bra, yesterday."


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 15, 2015)

Voley said:


> Should've had the tagline "A bra, yesterday."


PHOTOGRAPH POSED BY MODEL


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 16, 2015)

http://www.haverhillecho.co.uk/news/latest-news/shop-not-yet-a-done-deal-say-councillors-1-6904398


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 18, 2015)

BBC Bristol's latest bid for Pullitzer success:







http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-33956570


----------



## JimW (Aug 18, 2015)

Is about five fat chips a pub meal now?


----------



## rekil (Aug 18, 2015)

JimW said:


> Is about five fat chips a pub meal now?


Pitch this to CiF. Easy money.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 18, 2015)

JimW said:


> Is about five fat chips a pub meal now?


One per semi-liquid pre-chicklet should be enough for any reasonable person, gutso


----------



## JimW (Aug 18, 2015)

DaveCinzano said:


> One per semi-liquid pre-chicklet should be enough for any reasonable person, gutso


They've got to you


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 19, 2015)

JimW said:


> They've got to you


I have no idea what you mean


----------



## AysaCloudsinger (Aug 19, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 75421
> 
> http://www.haverhillecho.co.uk/news/latest-news/shop-not-yet-a-done-deal-say-councillors-1-6904398


The quotes in there....

"A spokesman for St Edmundsbury Borough Council said...
the council has a strong interest in what happens there because of any potential impact as a result of the town centre masterplan development"....

Yet

"We are pleased that the building is being used. It’s not the big name we had wanted, but it’s a start"

A start to the master plan!!!!! Lmfao.


----------



## MrSki (Aug 19, 2015)




----------



## Spanky Longhorn (Aug 21, 2015)

http://www.northdevonjournal.co.uk/...ti-road-near/story-27646896-detail/story.html


----------



## laptop (Aug 21, 2015)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> http://www.northdevonjournal.co.uk/...ti-road-near/story-27646896-detail/story.html



Good detective work tracking it down to the B666?


----------



## chandlerp (Aug 21, 2015)

The road to hell


----------



## T & P (Aug 21, 2015)

Posted the image in that article because I think it deserves a wider audience


----------



## JimW (Aug 21, 2015)

Perhaps they're parsing it wrong and it's "Ginger's Smell of Piss" like Miss Smilla's Feeling for Snow? ETA Or Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 21, 2015)

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co...ws/police-manchester-airport-bag-meat-9903924


----------



## Maggot (Aug 23, 2015)

Spanky Longhorn said:


> http://www.northdevonjournal.co.uk/...ti-road-near/story-27646896-detail/story.html


There's been an update on that story:  http://www.northdevonjournal.co.uk/...-sympathises/story-27652294-detail/story.html

UPDATE: Man who found offensive graffiti sympathises with redheads


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 23, 2015)

Maggot said:


> There's been an update on that story:  http://www.northdevonjournal.co.uk/...-sympathises/story-27652294-detail/story.html
> 
> UPDATE: Man who found offensive graffiti sympathises with redheads


BREAKING:

M.I.A. to perform at special fundraising concert on Chittlehampton Common to improve awareness of gingery issues


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 31, 2015)

Not an amusing headline, but good to see nonetheless - someone parked their top of the range car in a loading bay and it has been impounded.  Probably a footballer or the like who seem to think they can park where they like.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co...er-news/top-range-mercedes-towed-king-9958753


----------



## Chz (Aug 31, 2015)

A-Class is hardly a luxoboat, though. If it were some footballer's Lambo, I might enjoy the schadenfreude. But not for some tourist's car.


----------



## Enviro (Sep 1, 2015)

Two guinea pigs rescued from burning flat by fire crew (in Worthing)!

(They are uninjured btw )


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 1, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Probably a footballer or the like who seem to think they can park where they like.


Here's another


----------



## Voley (Sep 1, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> Here's another


I'm thinking of the route they must have taken to get on the beach.  Should've left the tide to sort em out.


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 1, 2015)

Pirate FM has the full story


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 1, 2015)

Chz said:


> A-Class is hardly a luxoboat, though. If it were some footballer's Lambo, I might enjoy the schadenfreude. But not for some tourist's car.



Perhaps, but the location is somewhere that you commonly see parking rules ignored by those who think they're above the law - like footballers and the Cheshire set, so I don't have a great deal of sympathy for them.  Especially if the car gets crushed and sold for recycling in shredded bits.


----------



## existentialist (Sep 3, 2015)

*Hakin family left gutted by despicable theft of 3ft Minion*


----------



## MrSki (Sep 4, 2015)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 6, 2015)

Fury at mouse droppings or baby spiders (she didn't know which) in a frozen pizza.  


Turns out it was just carbon build up from the pans used in the factory.  

Denton support worker claims Chicago Town pizza has 'mouse droppings or little spiders' baked in

But how did she come up with the baby spiders theory?


----------



## MrSki (Sep 7, 2015)




----------



## fractionMan (Sep 7, 2015)

Man pleads guilty to having fish porn on his mobile phone


----------



## MrSki (Sep 7, 2015)

*VIDEO: Police called to man in underpants juggling knives on a ladder in King’s Lynn*


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 7, 2015)

MrSki said:


> *VIDEO: Police called to man in underpants juggling knives on a ladder in King’s Lynn*


Skillz.


----------



## Poot (Sep 7, 2015)

MrSki said:


> *VIDEO: Police called to man in underpants juggling knives on a ladder in King’s Lynn*


He was in Plymouth yesterday! And I can confirm that he was doing all of the above and he was very funny! But even the Plymouth Harold didn't run with it as front page news... (Normal for Plymouth?)


----------



## skategob (Sep 7, 2015)

Slow news day t'other week in Northampton ...

Cow gets head stuck in chair in Northamptonshire - BBC News


----------



## ddraig (Sep 7, 2015)

manager of hotel leaves in the night, locking up with guests still there!
B&B owner disappears in the night leaving guests stranded 






> A stay at a country hotel left guests "distressed" after they woke to find the owners had disappeared during the night.
> 
> Guests staying at the Fairy Falls Hotel, Conwy, discovered the doors of the hotel had been locked up with a sign saying it had been closed due to “unforeseen circumstances” on Saturday morning
> 
> Many of the unhappy patrons tried to find alternative accommodation in the village of Trefriw but most of them were booked.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 9, 2015)

Supermarket shag anyone?  

 

Woman in court after romping naked with lover on grassland outside Asda in Hulme 

An outraged resident said:



> A resident of one of the apartment blocks which overlooked the amorous couple saw a man with his top off on top of a naked woman, the court heard.
> 
> “He was so disgusted by this behaviour he contacted police officers and used his mobile phone to take two pictures,” said Mr Siddall.



Yeah, you took some pictures purely to assist the police.


----------



## jakejb79 (Sep 9, 2015)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 10, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> An outraged resident said:
> 
> Yeah, you took some pictures purely to assist the police.



I think _furious_ rather than _outraged _might be more appropriate


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 10, 2015)

DaveCinzano said:


> I think _furious_ rather than _outraged _might be more appropriate



_Furious_ wank, perhaps...


----------



## MrSki (Sep 12, 2015)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 12, 2015)

MrSki said:


>


He probably did himself more harm by holding the mercury in his mouth beforehand.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 13, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> He probably did himself more harm by holding the mercury in his mouth beforehand.


Dude has to be as mad as a hatter


----------



## laptop (Sep 14, 2015)

farmerbarleymow said:


> He probably did himself more harm by holding the mercury in his mouth beforehand.



Toxicologists' joke: What's the lethal dose of metallic mercury? About 2 kilos, if you drink it...


----------



## ddraig (Sep 25, 2015)

Couple's oral sex shame in McDonald's drive-thru
*McDonald's drive-thru oral sex couple 'turned their car into human zoo*


----------



## Indeliblelink (Sep 26, 2015)

*Half-naked 'world's grumpiest woman' glues her bum to Debenhams in Croydon*
Half-naked 'world's grumpiest woman' glues her bum to Debenhams in Croydon


----------



## Johnny Vodka (Sep 26, 2015)

We had one recently -

"Farmer used woman's sink as a toilet"


----------



## sim667 (Sep 26, 2015)




----------



## laptop (Sep 27, 2015)

Indeliblelink said:


> *Half-naked 'world's grumpiest woman' glues her bum to Debenhams in Croydon*
> Half-naked 'world's grumpiest woman' glues her bum to Debenhams in Croydon







> The extraordinary spectable will surely have livened up the French rugby team's stay in Croydon, which a Parisian journalist branded *"dull and monotonous" e*arlier this month.


----------



## Fez909 (Oct 4, 2015)




----------



## T & P (Oct 4, 2015)

^ Double win!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 5, 2015)

Spotted on the _Belfast Telegraph_ website:




Crackpot Prince Harry death plot man is freed - BelfastTelegraph.co.uk


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 5, 2015)

Which one is Townley?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 5, 2015)

There's also this titbit from the article:



> He dabbled in porn and told Sunday Life in 2012 of his plans to release an obscene film on Christmas Day called Jesus Christ Pornstar, with himself in the title role.


----------



## MrSki (Oct 6, 2015)




----------



## extra dry (Oct 6, 2015)

Must get pretty boring every Friday in South London.


----------



## quiet guy (Oct 6, 2015)

Each to there own


----------



## NoXion (Oct 6, 2015)

Fire in the hole!


----------



## Roadkill (Oct 7, 2015)

'Parts of Hull look like the backstreets of Mumbai.'

Actually not a racist rant - although the comments have attracted the usual knuckle-draggers - but a comment on the litter and fly-tipping problem.  It's not the way I'd have made the point, but he is right: it's getting worse, in large part because the council's had to cut back on street cleaning and litter-bin emptying.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 7, 2015)

MrSki said:


>


Cocked?


----------



## danny la rouge (Oct 7, 2015)




----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 7, 2015)

if I have to travel 400 miles to get a suck off a sandhurst graduate then by god I will sir.


----------



## danny la rouge (Oct 7, 2015)

National Rail Enquiries - Official source for UK train times and timetables


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 7, 2015)

danny la rouge said:


>


That's got to suck


----------



## Maggot (Oct 7, 2015)

I suspect the _blow _and the _jobs _have been swapped.


----------



## killer b (Oct 8, 2015)




----------



## ice-is-forming (Oct 8, 2015)

*Dingo pup drowns in crab pot on Fraser Island*

Its a funny old world


----------



## sim667 (Oct 23, 2015)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 24, 2015)

sim667 said:


> View attachment 78455


----------



## May Kasahara (Oct 25, 2015)

Sutton office workers least likely in London to get stuck in a lift (From Sutton Guardian)


----------



## Enviro (Oct 27, 2015)

Dog Named Trigger Shoots Owner In Foot


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Nov 2, 2015)

Woman breaks into zoo to pet the tiger:



> A woman who broke into an Omaha zoo was bitten by a tiger when she tried to pet it in its cage, police said.
> 
> The woman, Jacqueline Eide, 33, was hospitalized at Creighton University Medical Center after being bitten on the left hand, police said in a statement on Sunday.
> 
> ...



Woman tries to pet Omaha zoo tiger, gets bitten

Gee, ya think?


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 2, 2015)

It's usually MH issues that lead people into doing such a thing


----------



## skyscraper101 (Nov 2, 2015)




----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 2, 2015)

Did she evict a keyboard salesman from her premises?


----------



## fishfinger (Nov 2, 2015)

Orang Utan said:


> Did she evict a keyboard salesman from her premises?


No. She won the booby prize in the NHS Lottery.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 2, 2015)

skyscraper101 said:


>


Surely her upcoming arson trial makes this a breach under sub judice law?


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Nov 2, 2015)

Orang Utan said:


> It's usually MH issues that lead people into doing such a thing



It's certainly possible, but I saw some pretty stupid things at Yellowstone the last time I was there.  (Like a guy trying to ride an elk doe.)


----------



## butcher (Nov 3, 2015)

Decapitated blood-covered rubber ducks left in Cambridge University student's room by stalker


----------



## danny la rouge (Nov 3, 2015)




----------



## danny la rouge (Nov 3, 2015)




----------



## danny la rouge (Nov 3, 2015)

In case it eventually gets taken down:


----------



## existentialist (Nov 5, 2015)

danny la rouge said:


> In case it eventually gets taken down:
> 
> 
> View attachment 79048


That is terrible: there really should be a comma before "it".

Raze them to the ground and salt the earth they stood on.


----------



## WWWeed (Nov 10, 2015)

Plymouth couple face eviction over 'psychic' guinea pigs


----------



## danny la rouge (Nov 11, 2015)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 11, 2015)

danny la rouge said:


> View attachment 79473


I never realised that the Rapture would have such a burgery aroma to it


----------



## danny la rouge (Nov 11, 2015)

DaveCinzano said:


> I never realised that the Rapture would have such a burgery aroma to it


The cow started it. The baptists were just defending themselves.


----------



## laptop (Nov 11, 2015)

danny la rouge said:


> View attachment 79473


Shurely "Dundonian cow"?


----------



## danny la rouge (Nov 11, 2015)

laptop said:


> Shurely "Dundonian cow"?


Too long for a newspaper headline.

In fact don't even write "Dundee" if you can get away with "city". "City cow".


----------



## laptop (Nov 11, 2015)

danny la rouge said:


> Too long for a newspaper headline.
> 
> In fact don't even write "Dundee" if you can get away with "city". "City cow".



It's a billboard, not a hed. And they have 288-point Grotesque Extra Condensed, I'm sure.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 11, 2015)

Sorry it's not a local paper headline but 

* Eating garlic makes men smell more 'attractive to women'*

*Really?*

*Eating garlic makes men smell 'attractive to women'*


----------



## danny la rouge (Nov 11, 2015)

laptop said:


> It's a billboard, not a hed. And they have 288-point Grotesque Extra Condensed, I'm sure.


They should have gone with "city".


----------



## laptop (Nov 11, 2015)

danny la rouge said:


> They should have gone with "city".



"City cow"?


----------



## MrSki (Nov 17, 2015)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 19, 2015)

This paper appears to be all kinds of awesome:


----------



## hash tag (Nov 19, 2015)

Please can we see the story on page 28! kidding.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Nov 20, 2015)

Punches thrown as rival yoga gurus clash in midnight brawl


----------



## Enviro (Nov 20, 2015)

Damn, beat me to it Indeliblelink !


----------



## fredfelt (Nov 20, 2015)

hash tag said:


> Please can we see the story on page 28! kidding.



I'd stop by page 8 (sex and beer), page 10 for two stories (mpango wa kando, 3 million goat testicles), on my way to page 28 (your wife's secret sex life) - and then onto page 34 (I am not a devil worshiper).  It's worlds apart from what passes for local news around here.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 20, 2015)

Indeliblelink said:


> Punches thrown as rival yoga gurus clash in midnight brawl


 Disappointingly, it didn't happen at midnight, one of them doesn't appear to be a 'yoga guru', and there's no mention of punches being thrown (only 'restraint' and the possibility of hammers or iron bars) 

Twitter is blocked here, anything interesting on this?

aftab miah (@AftabMiah) on Twitter


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 20, 2015)

*Cat rescued from Haverfordwest roof stuck in crisp bag*



> A cat has been rescued after getting stuck on the roof of a Pembrokeshire house - with a crisp packet on his head.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 20, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> *Cat rescued from Haverfordwest roof stuck in crisp bag*


What's its name - Russell?


----------



## Dogsauce (Nov 21, 2015)

The poll included with that article


----------



## bi0boy (Nov 21, 2015)




----------



## JimW (Nov 21, 2015)

bi0boy said:


>


With a mandate like that she can set about some really radical policy initiatives.


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 21, 2015)

Shoppers evacuated from Primark in Newcastle as sign becomes loose


----------



## existentialist (Nov 23, 2015)

Shoppers amused by missing S


----------



## hash tag (Nov 23, 2015)

Amused? hopping mad!


----------



## trabuquera (Nov 25, 2015)

Possibly  a hoax but too delicious (ha!) to miss:

*Seasons Gratings - Dairy create nativity scene out of 40kg of Cheddar cheese...*
Seasons Gratings - Dairy create nativity scene out of 40kg of Cheddar cheese complete with little baby cheesus


----------



## Plumdaff (Dec 1, 2015)

Firefighters called after man gets legs stuck on lamppost


> Do you know who was stuck to the lamppost? Let us know at newsdesk@southwalesargus.co.uk or call 01633 777219.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Dec 1, 2015)

Turkey revenge:



> NPPD is currently investigating the cause of the outages and presently do not have a time frame for when electricity will return.
> 
> Dawson Public Power District released a statement on their Facebook page: "North Platte area customers: We have a large scale outage that involves some NPPD substation equipment. Both Dawson PPD and NPPD have personnel on their way to the site
> 
> . We will restore power as quickly as possible. UPDATE: *Outage was caused by a turkey. Yes, a turkey in the substation*...."




UPDATE: Dawson PPD: North Platte Power Outage Caused By Turkey


----------



## hash tag (Dec 1, 2015)

Plumdaff said:


> Firefighters called after man gets legs stuck on lamppost


How?


----------



## Plumdaff (Dec 1, 2015)

hash tag said:


> How?



I think this is why the South Wales Argus wants to speak to the man. It's an improbable, impressive feat.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 1, 2015)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> UPDATE: Dawson PPD: North Platte Power Outage Caused By Turkey



Typical Russia Today propaganda


----------



## hash tag (Dec 2, 2015)

Not my local paper and donkeys are cute so:
*"Oklahoma police finally nab donkey on the run"*
*"Oklahoma Police Officer Convinces Gullible Donkey to Hop in Squad Car"*
*Then theres the pictures*

*



*


----------



## JimW (Dec 2, 2015)

hash tag said:


> Not my local paper and donkeys are cute so:
> *"Oklahoma police finally nab donkey on the run"*
> *"Oklahoma Police Officer Convinces Gullible Donkey to Hop in Squad Car"*
> *Then theres the pictures*
> ...


Donkey in the back and an ass up front.


----------



## Libertad (Dec 2, 2015)

Fucking Normans coming over here and stealing our asses.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 2, 2015)

hash tag said:


> Not my local paper and donkeys are cute so:
> *"Oklahoma police finally nab donkey on the run"*
> *"Oklahoma Police Officer Convinces Gullible Donkey to Hop in Squad Car"*
> *Then theres the pictures*
> ...


Could only have been improved if the donkey had been apprehended whilst trying to hump a sheep:

*FUGITIVE DONKEY CAUGHT AFTER BEING CAUGHT ON THE LAMB*


----------



## trabuquera (Dec 2, 2015)

I don't think the OKLA police need to bray so much about their success tbh...


----------



## Libertad (Dec 2, 2015)

trabuquera said:


> I don't think the OKLA police need to bray so much about their success tbh...



Ouch.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 3, 2015)

hash tag said:


> Not my local paper and donkeys are cute so:
> *"Oklahoma police finally nab donkey on the run"*
> *"Oklahoma Police Officer Convinces Gullible Donkey to Hop in Squad Car"*
> *Then theres the pictures*
> ...


Apparently he tested positive for both frankincense and myrrh


----------



## dessiato (Dec 3, 2015)

Poor donkey probably needed the lift after plodding on a dusty road with its precious load. Hopefully journey's end is in sight and wise men will be there.


----------



## bi0boy (Dec 3, 2015)

*Brussels sprout 'smuggler' mystifies staff at Cambourne primary school*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 4, 2015)

bi0boy said:


> *Brussels sprout 'smuggler' mystifies staff at Cambourne primary school*


I'm impressed with the journalistic effort that went into that article


----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 5, 2015)

*Newquay gran 'disgusted' after seeing man perform sex act using campervan towbar*




> "...It's not normal behaviour at all. I don't know what's up with the bloke."


 but you didn't think to report it for nine months* *

Newquay gran 'disgusted' after seeing man perform sex act using campervan towbar


----------



## existentialist (Dec 5, 2015)

'Every little helps' for rebranded Surbiton Tesos Express taking on supermarket giant


> The familiar branding of Tesco adorns the front of a small newsagent in Surbiton with one difference - this is a Tesos Express.
> 
> Previously known as Union Convenient in Villiers Avenue, the store has caught many a passerby's eye with the almost identical banner to the supermarket giant.


----------



## cyberfairy (Dec 9, 2015)

Fan-Dabi-Dozi! Heysham man rescues The Krankies - Lancaster Guardian


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 9, 2015)

cyberfairy said:


> Fan-Dabi-Dozi! Heysham man rescues The Krankies - Lancaster Guardian


Blatantly swingers party wet play got out of hand


----------



## hash tag (Dec 9, 2015)

Thank you for rescuing me from the floods.


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 9, 2015)

hash tag said:


> Thank you for rescuing me from the floods.


That's Nicola Sturgeon


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 9, 2015)

existentialist said:


> 'Every little helps' for rebranded Surbiton Tesos Express taking on supermarket giant


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Dec 9, 2015)




----------



## JimW (Dec 9, 2015)




----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 11, 2015)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 11, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> View attachment 80707


*VOWS
VENGEANCE*​  ...would surely have worked better, mind


----------



## kabbes (Dec 11, 2015)

DaveCinzano said:


> *VOWS
> VENGEANCE*​  ...would surely have worked better, mind


Not enough room for a 9 letter word from the looks of it


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Dec 11, 2015)

cyberfairy said:


> Fan-Dabi-Dozi! Heysham man rescues The Krankies - Lancaster Guardian


I wish I could like that again just for having the Krankies in it


----------



## rekil (Dec 11, 2015)

“Ian rang me the next day. He said if we’re ever in Torquay, where they live, we should look them up..." 

Welcome to your _sexy_ new life.


----------



## Maggot (Dec 11, 2015)

hash tag said:


> Thank you for rescuing me from the floods.


----------



## Ponyutd (Dec 14, 2015)




----------



## Pickman's model (Dec 16, 2015)

Two arrested after armed robbery in panda disguises


----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 16, 2015)




----------



## hash tag (Dec 16, 2015)

No doubt they will be bogged down with visitors


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 16, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> View attachment 80913


 Paging Casually Red


----------



## billy_bob (Dec 16, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> Newquay gran 'disgusted' after seeing man perform sex act using campervan towbar
> 
> but you didn't think to report it for nine months* *



That story's rather reminiscent of the 'over 200 incidents of forced transvestism involving Mr Sweeney last year' in Father Ted. She's not quite caught up with Mr Sweeney, but you have to wonder why these disgusting sex acts keep being performed right outside _her _house.


----------



## Casually Red (Dec 16, 2015)

DaveCinzano said:


> Paging Casually Red



What type of visitors are they hoping to attract ? I'm just glad they're being lured anywhere away from me


----------



## Casually Red (Dec 16, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> *Newquay gran 'disgusted' after seeing man perform sex act using campervan towbar*
> 
> but you didn't think to report it for nine months* *
> 
> Newquay gran 'disgusted' after seeing man perform sex act using campervan towbar



I think she reported the degenerate maniac immediately, the cops caught him further down the road...hopefully not while personally towing the camper van . It took the paper 9 months to talk to her .


----------



## Casually Red (Dec 16, 2015)




----------



## Casually Red (Dec 16, 2015)

From one of my local papers


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Dec 17, 2015)

*Two arrests in panda onesie shop raid investigation*

Two men have been arrested in connection with a robbery where offenders raided a newsagents dressed as giant pandas.

Lincolnshire Echo - full story


----------



## scifisam (Dec 18, 2015)

Puddy_Tat said:


> *Two arrests in panda onesie shop raid investigation*
> 
> Two men have been arrested in connection with a robbery where offenders raided a newsagents dressed as giant pandas.
> 
> Lincolnshire Echo - full story



Did they misunderstand the right to bear arms?


----------



## Voley (Dec 28, 2015)




----------



## Voley (Dec 28, 2015)

More here. 

I liked this one, too:


----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 28, 2015)

Passed by a few minutes ago and there is now just the wing left in the hedge, so time is running out


----------



## CRI (Dec 30, 2015)

*Pensioner locked in loo for four days, knits scarf*


----------



## jakethesnake (Dec 30, 2015)

Wendy house blown over as Storm Frank rips through Plymouth





Wendy house blown over as Storm Frank rips through Plymouth


----------



## hash tag (Dec 30, 2015)

Was there anyone in it at the time?


----------



## jakethesnake (Dec 30, 2015)

hash tag said:


> Was there anyone in it at the time?


From the article: "No one is believed to have been injured in the incident, although those reports remain unconfirmed."


----------



## hash tag (Dec 30, 2015)

Anyone available for interview?


----------



## existentialist (Dec 30, 2015)

jakethesnake said:


> Wendy house blown over as Storm Frank rips through Plymouth
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Quite a few of their stories seem to be storm-in-a-ahahahaha-teacup type stories. Are they trolling us?


----------



## existentialist (Dec 30, 2015)

Blue bin down - how a rubbish story took off


----------



## May Kasahara (Dec 31, 2015)

Ground Elder said:


> View attachment 80707



Genuine lol at this


----------



## jannerboyuk (Dec 31, 2015)

existentialist said:


> Quite a few of their stories seem to be storm-in-a-ahahahaha-teacup type stories. Are they trolling us?


They keep trying to create crappy little stories in a lame attempt to go viral based on how crappy the story is. Embarrassment of a paper from my home town sad to say, barely literate at times.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 31, 2015)

Puddy_Tat said:


> *Two arrests in panda onesie shop raid investigation*



You have to admire the Chi-Cheek


----------



## existentialist (Jan 1, 2016)

jannerboyuk said:


> They keep trying to create crappy little stories in a lame attempt to go viral based on how crappy the story is. Embarrassment of a paper from my home town sad to say, barely literate at times.


Most of the local papers seem to operate at a parlous state of literacy. I did an interview with a local rag which resulted in an article which I swear I could have written infinitely better myself, and that's not to say all that much for my ability to write, IYSWIM


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 1, 2016)

This is an odd headline.

 

Man in Lycra 'with an erection' hunted by Manchester city centre police


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jan 1, 2016)

The follow up article is quite a good one too -
*'Is it a crime to have an erection in public?' Police defend hunt for excited man in Lyrca*
'Is it a crime to have an erection in public?' Police defend hunt for excited man in Lyrca


----------



## existentialist (Jan 1, 2016)

Indeliblelink said:


> The follow up article is quite a good one too -
> *'Is it a crime to have an erection in public?' Police defend hunt for excited man in Lyrca*
> 'Is it a crime to have an erection in public?' Police defend hunt for excited man in Lyrca


Where on earth is Lyrca?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 1, 2016)

AIRQUOTES ERECTION *suspicious face*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 1, 2016)

existentialist said:


> Where on earth is Lyrca?


It's one of the little islands Odysseus made a stop-off on his way back to Ithaka from Troy.


----------



## coley (Jan 1, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> This is an odd headline.
> 
> View attachment 81529
> 
> Man in Lycra 'with an erection' hunted by Manchester city centre police


Not back two minutes and it's all about you , innit!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 4, 2016)

Well, it's local to peoples in Louisiana...


*
Woman Arrested For Masturbating With Jimmy Dean Sausage In Walmart Bathroom
*


----------



## Combustible (Jan 7, 2016)

In case you were wondering

*This is what would happen if North Korea dropped a hydrogen bomb on Penzance*


----------



## Voley (Jan 7, 2016)

Combustible said:


> In case you were wondering
> 
> *This is what would happen if North Korea dropped a hydrogen bomb on Penzance*





> In the remote chance that Kim Jong-Un decided to target West Penwith


----------



## laptop (Jan 7, 2016)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Well, it's local to peoples in Louisiana...
> 
> 
> *
> ...


Advert in story: "Get a new bathroom"


----------



## billy_bob (Jan 7, 2016)

Combustible said:


> In case you were wondering
> 
> *This is what would happen if North Korea dropped a hydrogen bomb on Penzance*



If that article doesn't contain the phrase "...causing up to £15m of improvements" I don't want to know.


----------



## hash tag (Jan 7, 2016)

Not the greatest headlines I know, but has put a big smile on my face as it reminds me of some past practical jokes I have played Devon man displays his mother-in-laws knickers for festive joke


----------



## Opera Buffa (Jan 9, 2016)

*Police make arrest after footage emerges of naked man 'fighting cars' in Essex*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 9, 2016)

hash tag said:


> Not the greatest headlines I know, but has put a big smile on my face as it reminds me of some past practical jokes I have played Devon man displays his mother-in-laws knickers for festive joke



"My mother in law had a pack of brand new applecatchers left over from last year."


----------



## dessiato (Jan 9, 2016)

Man gets teeth kicked out after attempting sex with a horse.
Man Gets Teeth Kicked Out After Attempting Sex With Horse - Now8News

There's some odd ones on that site.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 9, 2016)

dessiato said:


> Man gets teeth kicked out after attempting sex with a horse.
> Man Gets Teeth Kicked Out After Attempting Sex With Horse - Now8News


He'll be wanting to go to the GUM clinic to get checked out now


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 10, 2016)

Spotted whilst looking for further inspiration for the Poop Film thread:


----------



## T & P (Jan 10, 2016)

Combustible said:


> In case you were wondering
> 
> *This is what would happen if North Korea dropped a hydrogen bomb on Penzance*


"The thermal radiation radius, would stretch around 6.22kms, meaning the Tesco supermarket on the edge of town would be affected but would fall just short of Newlyn to the west."

(((Tesco)))


----------



## Voley (Jan 10, 2016)

dessiato said:


> Man gets teeth kicked out after attempting sex with a horse.
> Man Gets Teeth Kicked Out After Attempting Sex With Horse - Now8News
> 
> There's some odd ones on that site.


Does anyone really talk like this?



> But little did I know he was coming to ‘drop off a tool’ straight into my horse’s badunkadonk.


----------



## Voley (Jan 10, 2016)

Now call me cynical but I'm beginning to have slight doubts about the journalistic integrity of Now8News:


----------



## Ground Elder (Jan 10, 2016)

To be fair I think Tesco might find the obliteration of that particular store a relief. It has been under-performing since Sainsbury's opened a few hundred yards up the road in the safety zone. Good news for Newlyn, which is bound to see an increase in foot fall since shoppers can no longer go to Penzance.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 10, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Spotted whilst looking for further inspiration for the Poop Film thread:
> 
> View attachment 81876


*ON THE RUNS*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 10, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> Good news for Newlyn, which is bound to see an increase in foot fall



In no small way attributable to post-apocalyptic mutations leading to rising numbers of three-legged Kernowyon


----------



## not-bono-ever (Jan 12, 2016)

Erith man George Bush sentenced for listing monkey heads on eBay - BBC News

not local paper but worth a post


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 20, 2016)

Article of interest to thread enthusiasts

Have I not got news for you – the art of reporting on a slow news day


----------



## toggle (Jan 20, 2016)

jannerboyuk said:


> They keep trying to create crappy little stories in a lame attempt to go viral based on how crappy the story is. Embarrassment of a paper from my home town sad to say, barely literate at times.



that's cause no one reads any of their stuff. mostly cause  you can't actually get through the adds to any of the content. 



billy_bob said:


> If that article doesn't contain the phrase "...causing up to £15m of improvements" I don't want to know.



that is however, a fairly good summary of the fb comments on the article. well, the ones that weren't calling them a bunch of fucking idiots



overall, i am starting to believe that the plymouth-cornwall rivalry has now mutated into a new form where we are vying for who has the shittest newspapers.


----------



## toggle (Jan 20, 2016)

Voley said:


>




you should demand they reopen the ROC bunker down your way.


----------



## billy_bob (Jan 21, 2016)

toggle said:


> overall, i am starting to believe that the plymouth-cornwall rivalry has now mutated into a new form where we are vying for who has the shittest newspapers.



It's lucky they're both so far from Sunderland or they'd have that competition put cruelly into perspective.


----------



## cyberfairy (Jan 21, 2016)

Sun shines on dogs at Kirkby Lonsdale restaurant - Lancaster Guardian


----------



## Roadkill (Jan 21, 2016)

This is the sign on the front of The Boathouse, a bar on Newland Avenue in Hull:






How unfortunate that some of the letters have stopped working:






*Oops: Broken 'cocktail' light at Boathouse on Newland Avenue causes a stir*

**


----------



## kabbes (Jan 21, 2016)

cyberfairy said:


> Sun shines on dogs at Kirkby Lonsdale restaurant - Lancaster Guardian


That stoy boils down to "restaurant accepts dogs".  Like 1000 other restaurants, then.


----------



## cyberfairy (Jan 22, 2016)

kabbes said:


> That stoy boils down to "restaurant accepts dogs".  Like 1000 other restaurants, then.


I hope I was not the only one who thought they were on the menu.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 23, 2016)

JAILED: Lewisham woman who snapped saucy selfie with AK-47


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 24, 2016)

Drive-by yoghurt attack on crochet teacher's haberdashery leaves her shaken


----------



## kabbes (Jan 24, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Drive-by yoghurt attack on crochet teacher's haberdashery leaves her shaken


Love the caption under the picture.


----------



## kabbes (Jan 24, 2016)

That Central Somerset Gazette is a gold mine:

George Osborne's 'penis finger' photo at Hecks Cider makes internet laugh


----------



## 8den (Jan 24, 2016)

Dungiven pub damaged in tumble dryer attack


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 24, 2016)

kabbes said:


> That Central Somerset Gazette is a gold mine:



Bridgwater man accused of stealing DVD

No news on what DVD, though


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 24, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Drive-by yoghurt attack on crochet teacher's haberdashery leaves her shaken


it would have never happened if everybody had been allowed to carry yoghurt


----------



## fishfinger (Jan 24, 2016)

Orang Utan said:


> it would have never happened if everybody had been allowed to carry yoghurt


You're just one of those NYA yoghurt nuts


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 24, 2016)

fishfinger said:


> You're just one of those NYA yoghurt nuts


NTA - National Triflemen's Association - campaigning for the constitutional right to bear dairy products.
'I'll give you my milkshake when you pry it from my cold, dead hands'


----------



## fishfinger (Jan 24, 2016)

Orang Utan said:


> NTA - National Triflemen's Association - campaigning for the constitutional right to bear dairy products.
> 'I'll give you my milkshake when you pry it from my cold, dead hands'


----------



## Favelado (Jan 24, 2016)

Orang Utan said:


> NTA - National Triflemen's Association - campaigning for the constitutional right to bear dairy products.
> 'I'll give you my milkshake when you pry it from my cold, dead hands'



You should be taken into custardy for this post.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 24, 2016)

It's just a clash of cultures


----------



## Favelado (Jan 24, 2016)

I can't believe the poor woman got Mullered like that.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 25, 2016)

If it had almost hit an infant strolling by or in a pram, it could have been ‘nobody puts Corner on the baby’. But it didn't. So it's not.


----------



## Roadkill (Jan 25, 2016)

Roadkill said:


> This is the sign on the front of The Boathouse, a bar on Newland Avenue in Hull:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Given the amount of free publicity this has got the Boathouse, and the fact they still hadn't fixed it when I went by this morning, I'm starting to wonder how _unfortunate _this really is.


----------



## Sirena (Jan 25, 2016)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 25, 2016)

Sirena said:


>


Oh Alf


----------



## coley (Jan 25, 2016)

dessiato said:


> Man gets teeth kicked out after attempting sex with a horse.
> Man Gets Teeth Kicked Out After Attempting Sex With Horse - Now8News
> 
> There's some odd ones on that site.


Sure is, WtF is a badunkadonk?


----------



## Opera Buffa (Jan 25, 2016)

It's a shebang, silly


----------



## coley (Jan 25, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> JAILED: Lewisham woman who snapped saucy selfie with AK-47


Mebbes I was wrong to write off FB? as an avenue to send some demented half wits to some well deserved jail time, it has  it's merits


----------



## coley (Jan 25, 2016)

Opera Buffa said:


> It's a shebang, silly



What's shebang? Be very careful with your answer


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 26, 2016)

coley said:


> What's shebang? Be very careful with your answer


It's the singular of Ricky Martins


----------



## Opera Buffa (Jan 26, 2016)

coley said:


> What's shebang? Be very careful with your answer



As in, 'the whole shebang'.

I don't think you can have just a bit of one...


----------



## Opera Buffa (Jan 26, 2016)

Actually Google is telling me I am wrong on this.


----------



## Casually Red (Jan 27, 2016)

Wtf is it with Irish people ?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 27, 2016)

CRI said:


> *Pensioner locked in loo for four days, knits scarf*


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 4, 2016)

The headline is nearly as long as the article


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 4, 2016)

neonwilderness said:


> View attachment 83030
> 
> The headline is nearly as long as the article


That story doesn't even mentioned that the guy was imprisoned in 2014


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 4, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> That story doesn't even mentioned that the guy was imprisoned in 2014


A minor detail


----------



## MrSki (Feb 7, 2016)




----------



## Combustible (Feb 8, 2016)

Not so much for the headline but for the shocking photograph of the aftermath 

Police CLOSE town centres as Storm Imogen leads to 'concern for safety of public'


----------



## existentialist (Feb 8, 2016)

MrSki said:


>


 I'm impressed that they managed to spell both job descriptions correctly


----------



## laptop (Feb 8, 2016)

existentialist said:


> I'm impressed that they managed to spell both job descriptions correctly


I think they accidentally printed part of their test for new sub-editors...


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 8, 2016)

MrSki said:


>



CONSULTANT IDENTIFIED:


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 10, 2016)

Not local, but:

Ben Carson primary party is so quiet bartender knits blanket


----------



## Ground Elder (Feb 10, 2016)

Not a headline as such, but here's an article urging people not to put rough sleepers at risk by putting their photos online, illustrated with a photo of a rough sleeper 

*Cornwall Urged Not to Photograph Homeless*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 11, 2016)

Not per se a headline (yet), but Jason Evans often manages to work magic with such things:


----------



## Opera Buffa (Feb 12, 2016)

[/url]



The Bristol Evening Post is still only 64p to subscribers


----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2016)




----------



## skategob (Feb 18, 2016)

Costa Coffee Cup mystery in the Hull Daily Mail ...

Mystery of giant Costa Coffee cup on Cottingham roundabout


----------



## kabbes (Feb 18, 2016)

skategob said:


> Costa Coffee Cup mystery in the Hull Daily Mail ...
> 
> Mystery of giant Costa Coffee cup on Cottingham roundabout


Wonderfully badly written, although I did enjoy this bit:

"Mystery surrounds the bizarre appearance although the site is just yards away from the University of Hull's Thwaite Halls of residence for students."


----------



## bi0boy (Feb 19, 2016)

*Offender runs away after hat taken*

An offender who grabbed a man's wrist and demanded money ran away after the man took his hat.

The attempted theft took place in Hardwick Road, Haverhill around 6pm on Friday, February 12.

A man was approached by an offender who grabbed his wrist and demanded money - but the man resisted the request. Instead, he took the offender's hat - described as blue and woollen, with "Millwall" written on it - from his head.

The offender then ran off empty-handed, leaving the victim uninjured.

Offender runs away after hat taken


----------



## Sirena (Feb 23, 2016)




----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 24, 2016)

London Zoo meerkat, monkey and llama keepers saga has ended


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Feb 24, 2016)

"Interest aroused as semi at 69 Cock Lane in Fetcham hits the market"

from the epsom guardian


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 25, 2016)




----------



## hash tag (Feb 28, 2016)

Not a newspaper headline and suitably predictable

*Mum Finds 'Cat Toy' In Son's Room, Tries To Sell It, Learns It's Actually A Fluffy Wolf Tail Buttplug	Mum Finds 'Cat Toy' In Son's Room, Tries To Sell It, Learns It's Not A Cat Toy*


----------



## Ponyutd (Mar 1, 2016)




----------



## gosub (Mar 1, 2016)

Police warning after men seen acting suspiciously outside Basingstoke supermarket


down with this sort of thing!


----------



## killer b (Mar 5, 2016)

.


----------



## gosub (Mar 5, 2016)

killer b said:


> *Manchester Rapper Frisko found with 10,000 indecent images of himself as a child on home PC.*
> 
> *"What can I say, I'm fit, init."*


my pc protection really doesn't like that link


----------



## JimW (Mar 5, 2016)

killer b said:


> *Manchester Rapper Frisko found with 10,000 indecent images of himself as a child on home PC.*
> 
> *"What can I say, I'm fit, init."*


I thought this was going to be a spoof.


----------



## killer b (Mar 5, 2016)

gosub said:


> my pc protection really doesn't like that link


Its just the Manchester evening news.


----------



## hegley (Mar 5, 2016)




----------



## gosub (Mar 5, 2016)

killer b said:


> Its just the Manchester evening news.


.gxt.clonezone.link  aint part of the papers web address


----------



## killer b (Mar 5, 2016)

Ah.

Maybe it is a spoof.


----------



## gosub (Mar 5, 2016)

killer b said:


> Ah.
> 
> Maybe it is a spoof.


i'd do a virus scan if I were you


----------



## NoXion (Mar 5, 2016)

hegley said:


>



My word, how unprecedented!


----------



## Sirena (Mar 10, 2016)

From Barrow in Furness...


----------



## hash tag (Mar 10, 2016)

What if I don't want the stool?


----------



## May Kasahara (Mar 10, 2016)

Oh god. Should not read this thread straight after applying mascara


----------



## dessiato (Mar 10, 2016)

hash tag said:


> What if I don't want the stool?


Don't be pissy,  sit on it. It's probably shit anyway. But don't poo, poo the idea.


----------



## hash tag (Mar 13, 2016)

Dirty Secrets
The Hollywood of hardcore porn? Hundreds of raunchy films shot in Sutton town centre
Shock over adult film shot in daytime in Sutton - BBC News


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 14, 2016)

hash tag said:


> Dirty Secrets
> The Hollywood of hardcore porn? Hundreds of raunchy films shot in Sutton town centre
> Shock over adult film shot in daytime in Sutton - BBC News


 There was a similar expose in the local paper in Bristol after an_ investigative journalist_ noticed that a pr0n flick (or at least the non-pr0n beginning of such a film) was filmed at the University of the West of England.

The male 'star' of it ended up being a local UKIP bigwig


----------



## toggle (Mar 15, 2016)

local rags are reporting, but the best headline is from the bbc.

*Badger stops plane from landing at Newquay Airport*

Badger stops plane from landing at Newquay Airport - BBC News


9000 foot of runway versus 2 foot of badger. badger wins.


----------



## dessiato (Mar 15, 2016)

toggle said:


> local rags are reporting, but the best headline is from the bbc.
> 
> *Badger stops plane from landing at Newquay Airport*
> 
> ...


Badgers you'll get yourself in trouble.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 15, 2016)

Watch: Drug driver in high speed chase after stealing BBQ and MARSHMALLOWS


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 15, 2016)

Not local but...


Rugby player nearly has penis torn off in game (straps it up for next fixture)

Another polite English version:


Rugby league player Haydn Peacock's penis 'almost torn off in tackle'

And the more to-the-point antipodean take on it:




http://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=11605492


----------



## JimW (Mar 15, 2016)

Takes going in hard to the tackle to a new level.


----------



## hash tag (Mar 15, 2016)

Someone was after his penis and would stop at nothing to get it!

Ouch.


----------



## kabbes (Mar 15, 2016)

He's called Peacock.

Pea.  Cock.


----------



## hash tag (Mar 15, 2016)

Is that because he has a little one


----------



## dessiato (Mar 15, 2016)

kabbes said:


> He's called Peacock.
> 
> Pea.  Cock.


Not for long if he gets it ripped off. He'll be Pea No cock


----------



## Brixton Hatter (Mar 17, 2016)

*Irate Frenchman hurled Camembert at manager of Chelsea Waitrose*

_Shoppers had to *duck for cover* in a Chelsea supermarket when an irate Frenchman hurled cheese at the manager._


----------



## Ground Elder (Mar 22, 2016)

*Boy, 5, wets himself after being refused entry to Plymouth community centre toilets*

_Staff at the centre, who are investigating the matter, are confident a positive outcome can be reached._


----------



## DotCommunist (Mar 22, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Not local but...
> 
> View attachment 84691
> Rugby player nearly has penis torn off in game (straps it up for next fixture)
> ...





> The 23-year-old was pulled to the ground by his manhood



excellent use of the word manhood


----------



## Ground Elder (Mar 24, 2016)

*Giant poster of Hitler with bunny ears on Plymouth pub taken down after complaints*

"come and twitch your money maker to the finest feel-good house"


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Mar 24, 2016)

People are freaking out about our new license plate.  It's been described as "a well-hung guy, prancing around on a cup cake."   Or,  “[He] looks like he’s doing something he shouldn’t be doing in public.”




Naughty? Boring? Nebraska's new license plate draws sharp opinions

It is crap.  All our plates are crap.  I don't know why they worry about it with this one.


----------



## laptop (Mar 27, 2016)

London mayoral candidate Sadiq Khan lobbying for TfL monotony on commuter trains

Read more: London mayoral candidate Sadiq Khan lobbying for TfL monotony on commuter trains


----------



## Indeliblelink (Mar 28, 2016)

Happy Easter


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 28, 2016)

Indeliblelink said:


> Happy Easter
> View attachment 85142


How Do You Ease Yours?


----------



## dessiato (Mar 28, 2016)

Indeliblelink said:


> Happy Easter
> View attachment 85142


Assuming that they were unwrapped, I don't suppose that it would be so difficult. They'd soften first with the body heat, then they'd melt. At least it would make getting them out again wouldn't be a problem.


----------



## SpookyFrank (Mar 28, 2016)

Police vs Morris dancers is one of those 'whoever loses, I'm happy' kind of situations tbh.


----------



## kabbes (Mar 28, 2016)

laptop said:


> London mayoral candidate Sadiq Khan lobbying for TfL monotony on commuter trains
> 
> Read more: London mayoral candidate Sadiq Khan lobbying for TfL monotony on commuter trains



sounds good but he is only promising vaguely to ask for it, no to to do it.  I'll believe it when I see it.

ETA: whoops, thought i was on the commuter thread!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 28, 2016)

Not Local But...

 

Man loses his leg after shooting lawnmower full of explosives


----------



## bi0boy (Mar 29, 2016)

People cross roads


----------



## pesh (Apr 4, 2016)




----------



## Hocus Eye. (Apr 4, 2016)

laptop said:


> London mayoral candidate Sadiq Khan lobbying for TfL monotony on commuter trains
> 
> Read more: London mayoral candidate Sadiq Khan lobbying for TfL monotony on commuter trains


I would hate that London commuters had more monotonous journeys as a result of this move.


----------



## T & P (Apr 5, 2016)

It must be a slow day at The Daily Telegraph... and indeed the Metropolitan Police

*Frenchman who hurled Camembert at Waitrose staff hunted by police after failing to appear at court *


----------



## Santino (Apr 5, 2016)

T & P said:


> It must be a slow day at The Daily Telegraph... and indeed the Metropolitan Police
> 
> *Frenchman who hurled Camembert at Waitrose staff hunted by police after failing to appear at court *


 He knew there was no point turning up to court because the verdict was a feta compli.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 8, 2016)

THREAD WON

Entire KFC feast of fried chicken breasts and fries strewn across Cheltenham pavement this morning


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 8, 2016)

Man behind THAT abandoned KFC comes forward: A Cheltenham student dressed as a pirate


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 8, 2016)

On a less cheerful note, it comes to something when a report mentions bestiality as an afterthought 

Jail for Wiltshire dad who put super-hot chilli sauce on his baby's bottom


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Apr 8, 2016)

You've heard of crack squirrels?   We have pyromaniac squirrels:



> single car fire quickly escalated to a four car fire at State Farm Thursday afternoon.
> 
> It happened around 1 p.m. at the State Farm on 84th and O St. Fire officials say it started in the engine of a pickup truck, and spread because of the wind.
> 
> ...



video here:

Four vehicles catch fire at State Farm


----------



## BCBlues (Apr 15, 2016)

Rude Bloxwich road markings raise a smile « Express & Star
Rude Bloxwich road markings raise a smile « Express & Star

Bollox and Piss all


----------



## hash tag (Apr 16, 2016)

Half way down that story was the headline "Walsall urine watch" 
Don't know what's wrong with walsall but my spell check could not cope with it


----------



## Ground Elder (Apr 19, 2016)




----------



## quiet guy (Apr 19, 2016)

How this Scottish newspaper covered Kanye West's visit to Skye is just hilarious


----------



## jakejb79 (Apr 19, 2016)




----------



## UrbaneFox (Apr 19, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> THREAD WON
> 
> Entire KFC feast of fried chicken breasts and fries strewn across Cheltenham pavement this morning
> 
> View attachment 85570 View attachment 85571 View attachment 85572 View attachment 85573 View attachment 85574



I like TripAdvisor's review of KFC, positioned halfway into the Gloucestershire Echo horror story.

A review named "I felt like I was in the way" explains how one customer, who was told he couldn't have seasoning on his fries before being made to pay 80p extra for the luxury, while another gave a lengthy description of how he received poor service not
once but twice.

Another user claimed that "the chips are usually cold and taste like cardboard" and adds: "My friend found a hair in his tango a few months ago."

Read more: 'Chips like cardboard': Real reviews of Cheltenham KFC on TripAdvisor


----------



## Maggot (Apr 22, 2016)

http://www.worcesternews.co.uk/news..._to_celebrate_90th_birthday_year/?ref=mr&lp=8


----------



## Tom A (Apr 22, 2016)

I take it people here are familiar with Angry People in Local Newspapers?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 22, 2016)

PICS:New Harare Deputy Mayor Stuck Between Two Tractor Wheels


----------



## MrSki (Apr 22, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> View attachment 86103
> 
> PICS:New Harare Deputy Mayor Stuck Between Two Tractor Wheels


Is that a local or national paper?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 22, 2016)

MrSki said:


> Is that a local or national paper?


Depends whether you live in Harare, Zimbabwe or somewhere else, really


----------



## MrSki (Apr 22, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Depends whether you live in Harare, Zimbabwe or somewhere else, really


Well being called 'The Zimbabwe News' makes me think it is a national but not being there I could be wrong.


----------



## 8115 (Apr 22, 2016)

Tom A said:


> I take it people here are familiar with Angry People in Local Newspapers?


I know someone who had something untoward happen and were in our local paper with their kids, all looking sad and shocked. The next time I saw them I asked if the photographer said "look sad", apparently they did 

Details have been removed to protect the innocent.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 22, 2016)

Tom A said:


> I take it people here are familiar with Angry People in Local Newspapers?


Today's was pretty impressive



> *Friday, April 22, 2016*
> * Snake down the toilet anger *
> 
> 
> ...



Angry people in local newspapers

I think there might have been more to come except he was stuck in traffic in Reading today


----------



## skategob (Apr 28, 2016)

From today's Hull Daily Mail:

Hull anglers turn ashes of dead friend into fishing bait and catch 180lb whopper


----------



## dessiato (Apr 28, 2016)

skategob said:


> From today's Hull Daily Mail:
> 
> Hull anglers turn ashes of dead friend into fishing bait and catch 180lb whopper


That's great! When I go I want feeding to sharks. They're a fantastic,  beautiful animal and I'd like to be eaten by them. But only after I'm dead.


----------



## jakethesnake (Apr 28, 2016)

Shock for East Devon woman as her dog's face appears in stable-wall stain


----------



## Libertad (Apr 28, 2016)

jakethesnake said:


> Shock for East Devon woman as her dog's face appears in stable-wall stain



Uncanny if your dog was Scoobydoo.


----------



## laptop (Apr 28, 2016)

skategob said:


> From today's Hull Daily Mail:
> 
> Hull anglers turn ashes of dead friend into fishing bait and catch 180lb whopper


I'm liking the ad at the top of that: "Funeral directors wish you didn't know this"


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 29, 2016)

Probably happens all the time in that there fancy-pants London, mind


----------



## hash tag (Apr 29, 2016)

I have just been knocked of my feet by one of those low flying aircraft and I claim £50,000!
The story behind the headline MoD payout £9k in compensation after horse left concussed by low-flying aircraft


----------



## dessiato (Apr 30, 2016)

Not a headline per se, but this seems an appropriate place


----------



## T & P (Apr 30, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> View attachment 86350
> 
> Probably happens all the time in that there fancy-pants London, mind


Funnily enough there are horses to be found on some of the fields surrounding Heathrow. It is a bizarre sight when you drive past it, given that most of the land enclosing the airport is heavily developed and full of warehouses, hotels and the like.

The horses seem unfazed by the low flying jets, but then they should be well used to them.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 30, 2016)

T & P said:


> Funnily enough there are horses to be found on some of the fields surrounding Heathrow.



Those wings won't glue themselves onto the fuselage


----------



## bi0boy (May 1, 2016)

*Cambridgeshire police patrol diverted over double yellow alert at dental practice*

Police said a "patrol was diverted but on arrival the car was no longer present".


----------



## petee (May 2, 2016)

dessiato said:


> Not a headline per se, but this seems an appropriate place
> 
> View attachment 86380



The dude abided


----------



## Nine Bob Note (May 2, 2016)

This was the fourth highest placed 'story' on the NWE Mail website y'day... "Peaky Blinders actor 'I'm genuinely proud to be in this'"

As far as I can tell, the show in question has no links with South Cumbria, nor do the actress being interviewed and the journo who wrote it


----------



## dessiato (May 6, 2016)

Sydney tradesman gets testicles tangled in an electrical grinder

19 year old tradesman gets testicle tangled in an electrical grinder.


----------



## hash tag (May 6, 2016)

Shit. That's sickening.


----------



## 8den (May 8, 2016)




----------



## laptop (May 11, 2016)

*Giant slugs will invade Nottinghamshire this summer*
*

 *


----------



## Ground Elder (May 13, 2016)

*Ducks spotted in Tesco car park in Wolverton, Milton Keynes*



> The ducks are likely to have come up from the canal nearby



Investigative journalism at its best


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 13, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> *Ducks spotted in Tesco car park in Wolverton, Milton Keynes*
> 
> 
> 
> Investigative journalism at its best


TBF they're lucky they still have a specialist anatine correspondent, what with all the lay-offs across the industry


----------



## Ground Elder (May 15, 2016)

*Man with 'testicles the size of an avocado' banned from all Matalan stores*



> Kelly told a jury at Swansea Crown Court that he suffered from a condition called hydrocele, which causes oversized or swollen testicles, and that on the day in quest he had to re-adjust his testicles owing to discomfort as a result of their size.


----------



## hash tag (May 16, 2016)

*"Man goes to jail after shooting himself in the foot"*

twice apparently  Man goes to jail after shooting himself in the foot | Kansas City News


----------



## existentialist (May 16, 2016)

hash tag said:


> *"Man goes to jail after shooting himself in the foot"*
> 
> twice apparently  Man goes to jail after shooting himself in the foot | Kansas City News


"No weapon was located, though evidence was submitted."

Which was, presumably, a pair of perforated insteps?


----------



## Artaxerxes (May 20, 2016)

Good effort from the BBC 

M1: Cows cause traffic to mooo-ve slowly - BBC News


----------



## neonwilderness (May 23, 2016)

*South Shields shopkeeper fought off masked raider using a coffee cup*


----------



## neonwilderness (May 24, 2016)

*Newcastle Alchemist awarded alcohol licence despite neighbour fear of 'glassfights and ambulances'*


----------



## Ground Elder (May 24, 2016)

I'm very disappointed that the story isn't about a man turning beer into gold


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 24, 2016)

The Glassfight & Ambulance would be an excellent name for a local


----------



## Ground Elder (May 25, 2016)




----------



## Indeliblelink (May 25, 2016)

Warning sheep high on cannabis could cause havoc in Swansea Valley village


----------



## little_legs (May 25, 2016)




----------



## laptop (May 25, 2016)

Excellent Wimborne!



little_legs said:


>


----------



## dessiato (May 26, 2016)

That’s not my penis, it’s a python!

I shouldn't laugh, I really shouldn't.


----------



## petee (May 28, 2016)

*Report of truck ‘driving erotically’ in Southwest Harbor*

*Maine news, sports, politics and obituaries — Bangor Daily News — BDN Maine*


----------



## Lorca (May 30, 2016)




----------



## laptop (May 30, 2016)

Lorca said:


>


They missed the chance to interview an arborist. What species of tree ffs? And the Ramblers' Association... 

Could easily have got it up to 64 lines!


----------



## bi0boy (May 30, 2016)

laptop said:


> They missed the chance to interview an arborist. What species of tree ffs? And the Ramblers' Association...
> 
> Could easily have got it up to 64 lines!



They probably don't have either of those in wherever that is


----------



## NoXion (May 30, 2016)

Damn trees. There oughta be a law.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jun 3, 2016)

Balaclava man with life-size Queen cut-out causes delays on Metro - Shields Gazette


----------



## flypanam (Jun 3, 2016)

Not quite a local paper but...

One-legged man jailed for kicking Garda with artificial limb


----------



## existentialist (Jun 6, 2016)

Brexit campaigner has Vote Leave sign defaced


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Jun 6, 2016)

> *Animal star of Game of Thrones visits South Cumbria festival*
> 
> A HORSE and stuntman who have featured in the filming of the international hit series  Game of Thrones  are among the stars at a South Cumbria festival.



It's a fucking horse


----------



## Maggot (Jun 6, 2016)

existentialist said:


> Brexit campaigner has Vote Leave sign defaced



Now a Twitter account

Vote Beaver (@VoteBeaver) on Twitter


----------



## two sheds (Jun 6, 2016)

Lorca said:


>



I missed an opportunity during The Great Storm of 1987 because of lack of camera. There were trees all over the place in Sussex but one huge one in particular came down across the road just after a "Heavy Plant Crossing" sign.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 8, 2016)

There's a story on the _Post_ site (WITH VIDEO) about Pete Doherty doing his best to buy a pasty in Bristol 

Pete Doherty had an awkward time buying a pasty in Bristol


----------



## SpookyFrank (Jun 9, 2016)

*This seagull was turned bright orange after falling into a vat of chicken tikka masala*
*Vets said they felt sorry for him but he made them feel hungry at the same time






*
Seagull turned orange after falling into vat of chicken tikka masala


----------



## trabuquera (Jun 9, 2016)

^ he was very quickly nicknamed Gullfrezi


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 10, 2016)

Classic _Post - _doesn't even mention the sexual assault in the headline 



Six months to change for serial flasher guilty of sexual assault


----------



## Sirena (Jun 10, 2016)




----------



## laptop (Jun 10, 2016)

Sirena said:


>


Odds on that being deliberate... Nah.


----------



## hash tag (Jun 11, 2016)

Nobbs out for England 
Sorry can't get screen print ( it's too big ), but, see link  Nobbs ruled out for England women


----------



## Ground Elder (Jun 12, 2016)

*Scarecrow tribute to Muhammad Ali raises eyebrows *



> "People of Devon. This is not an okay"


----------



## bi0boy (Jun 14, 2016)

*'Rogue' Cambridge cow reported to police for chasing women and 'mooing loudly'*


----------



## two sheds (Jun 14, 2016)

> One Cambridge resident, who asked not to be named, said she witnessed the “aggressive" cow run quickly towards three women and “attack" them in an unprovoked manner.



scared to be named in case of revenge attack next time she sees the cow


----------



## petee (Jun 15, 2016)

*Drink driver to seek 'nice woman' in Lisdoonvarna*

Drink driver  to seek ‘nice woman’ in Lisdoonvarna


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 15, 2016)

petee said:


> *Drink driver to seek 'nice woman' in Lisdoonvarna*
> 
> Drink driver  to seek ‘nice woman’ in Lisdoonvarna


That whole report goes up to eleven on the Tedometer.



> Mr O’Shea’s  solicitor John O’Dwyer, son of the famous Mick O’Dwyer...
> 
> “Are you going to stay single or are will you to take the plunge?”, Judge James O’Connor asked Mr O’Shea...
> 
> ...“You’d never know now with Star Wars!” Judge O’Connor suggested...



Also, “when asked how many cows he had Mr O’Shea said he had ‘13 or 14’.” Whut? Not a thousand and thirteen or fourteen, or even a hundred and thirteen or fourteen. Just, thirteen or fourteen. He's a farmer, and he doesn't know how many cows he's got?


----------



## 8den (Jun 17, 2016)

Subeditor fail not Headline fail.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jun 21, 2016)




----------



## petee (Jun 23, 2016)

*hunter charged with illegal kill of Bullwinkle*

*



*
*Trophy hunter charged with illegal kill of Bullwinkle, popular Ellensburg elk*


----------



## bi0boy (Jun 23, 2016)

*Trashy act of love-struck man who threw rubbish to impress girl  - at unmarked Cambridge police car*


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jun 27, 2016)

Surgeon Struck Off After Accidentally Removing Patient's Testicle And Chucking It In Bin


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jul 1, 2016)

*Woman does a poo in Chelmsford car park*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 1, 2016)

Indeliblelink said:


> *Woman does a poo in Chelmsford car park*



*No one in Chelmsford notices anything out of the ordinary *


----------



## JimW (Jul 1, 2016)

> People stuck in traffic going up to the Army & Navy roundabout would have been able to see her cheeks


Does it get more English?


----------



## bi0boy (Jul 2, 2016)

Can't get much more local than this:

*Claims punt tout ban consultation 'like EU referendum', on eve of big decision for Cambridge punting*


----------



## petee (Jul 4, 2016)

*Forest Grove police log: Woman drops her pork chops, starts yelling at cars*


----------



## 8den (Jul 6, 2016)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 6, 2016)

petee said:


> *Forest Grove police log: Woman drops her pork chops, starts yelling at cars*


Is 'pork chop' Oregonian slang for something?


----------



## Maggot (Jul 12, 2016)




----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jul 15, 2016)

"Befuddled badger wrong foots Caversham Cobbler"

in the Reading local rag.  Online version here.


----------



## MrSki (Jul 15, 2016)

Puddy_Tat said:


> "Befuddled badger wrong foots Caversham Cobbler"
> 
> in the Reading local rag.  Online version here.


I saw that earlier but didn't click the link. Are you local to Reading Puddy_Tat ?


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jul 15, 2016)

MrSki said:


> Are you local to Reading Puddy_Tat ?


 
yes - in the general direction of wokingham


----------



## doddles (Jul 17, 2016)

That's my local cobbler. He's fixed my shoes and bicycle panier bag


----------



## Voley (Jul 17, 2016)

petee said:


> *Forest Grove police log: Woman drops her pork chops, starts yelling at cars*


Oregon sounds interesting:



> • Officers responded to an argument heard between a man and a woman. Police found one woman arguing with herself.


----------



## Opera Buffa (Jul 17, 2016)

https://postimage.org/


----------



## 1927 (Jul 17, 2016)

And Echo and the  Bunnymen are in charge of policing litter droppers!


----------



## petee (Jul 21, 2016)

*Psycho swan sinks boats and beats up ducks and geese on town’s lake*

Read more: Terror swan sinks £15,000 model boats and beats up ducks and geese


----------



## Ground Elder (Jul 21, 2016)

*Beware of seagulls tripping on acid from flying ants*



> However Tony disagrees. He said: "It was said at one point that they made them drunk, but actually I think they just make them very happy.


It's true - I witnessed ant-happy gulls last Sunday. Standing in large groups in the middle of the road and not moving when driven at. Very odd behaviour


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 21, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> Standing in large groups in the middle of the road and not moving when driven at.



There's your flashing-lights-and-klaxon warning of _shit about to go down_ right there


----------



## Ground Elder (Jul 22, 2016)

Well exactly. I saw a gull take someone's entire lunch box today and the other week one had a full packet of fags out of a mate's hand. Fuck knows what they'll be like if they ever get their beaks on some crack


----------



## isvicthere? (Jul 23, 2016)




----------



## petee (Jul 25, 2016)

*Drunken trombone-playing clown fires gun from garage*

Drunken trombone-playing clown fires gun from garage, police say


----------



## Ground Elder (Jul 25, 2016)




----------



## danny la rouge (Jul 25, 2016)

isvicthere? said:


>


http://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/local-paper-headlines.282278/page-36#post-14150833


----------



## isvicthere? (Jul 26, 2016)

danny la rouge said:


> http://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/local-paper-headlines.282278/page-36#post-14150833



Thanks, Danny! I'll make sure I read all 46 pages before I ever post again.


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 3, 2016)

Man charged with mobility scooter drink driving at Skegness McDonald's drive-thru


----------



## Maggot (Aug 6, 2016)




----------



## T & P (Aug 6, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> ant-happy


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 6, 2016)

Maggot said:


> View attachment 90388


MUST.KNOW.MORE.


----------



## Maggot (Aug 6, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> MUST.KNOW.MORE.


I can't even see which paper it's from.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 6, 2016)

Maggot said:


> I can't even see which paper it's from.



Oxford Mail apparently, but I couldn't find the story through a quick search, just references to the headline on other sites.


----------



## quiet guy (Aug 7, 2016)

Wonder what odds he got?


----------



## oryx (Aug 8, 2016)

Breastfeeding mum 'squirted boobs' at woman in Dartford park after she asked her to move


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Aug 8, 2016)

From the Standard:
Brit comes fifth in search for Van Gogh lookalike

Brit comes fifth in worldwide search for Van Gogh lookalike


----------



## pesh (Aug 8, 2016)




----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Aug 10, 2016)

Train derails, damages bar called .... Derailed.



> Police Chief Hugh Anderson says the accident occurred around 4 a.m. Tuesday as crews moved rail cars and changed connections in Charles City.
> 
> He says it appears that the track separated and the grain car tipped about 45 degrees into the back of the bar.
> 
> ...




Derailed train car hits bar named 'DeRailed' in Iowa

$10,000 is apt to total a dive bar like that.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 11, 2016)

*Pensioner’s huge cock in front garden is tourist attraction - Fife Today*

That certainly is a massive cock.


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Aug 11, 2016)

Red-heads can visit Twycross Zoo for free as part of World Orangutan Day


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 11, 2016)

JuanTwoThree said:


> Red-heads can visit Twycross Zoo for free as part of World Orangutan Day


IT'S A TARP


----------



## mrs quoad (Aug 11, 2016)

Artist's 'gimp' horseplay at east London library sparks barrage of


----------



## Ground Elder (Aug 12, 2016)

Barrage of what? I don't want to click on the link in case I'm disappointed 

Edited to add: I've looked now and I have to say Story Time has changed since my kids were little.


----------



## not-bono-ever (Aug 13, 2016)

Stunning performance from Millwall this week. Courtesy of the Southwark news


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 13, 2016)

not-bono-ever said:


> View attachment 90786
> 
> Stunning performance from Millwall this week.



Millwall, on the other hand, played like arseholes.


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Aug 13, 2016)

They don't care


----------



## DotCommunist (Aug 13, 2016)

pesh said:


>


I prefer to think of farts as dhalsims 'yoga flame'


----------



## petee (Aug 13, 2016)

*Police seek hardened criminal after penis pump is stolen*

Police seek hardened criminal after penis pump is stolen from Mildura sex shop


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 15, 2016)

Teacher shows up drunk, pantsless to 1st day of school


----------



## DotCommunist (Aug 15, 2016)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Teacher shows up drunk, pantsless to 1st day of school


like that dream where you are naked in the classroom only this time its real


----------



## DotCommunist (Aug 15, 2016)

and you are the teacher


----------



## petee (Aug 15, 2016)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Teacher shows up drunk, pantsless to 1st day of school


i sympathize


----------



## petee (Aug 17, 2016)

*Sex pigs halt traffic after laser attack on Pokémon teens*

*Sex pigs halt traffic after laser attack on Pokémon teens*


----------



## JimW (Aug 17, 2016)

not-bono-ever said:


> View attachment 90786
> 
> Stunning performance from Millwall this week. Courtesy of the Southwark news


Apparently it's not only the team put in front of you you can beat.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 18, 2016)

*'Poltergeist' baffles hardened police officers in Lanarkshire*


----------



## DotCommunist (Aug 18, 2016)

Smash hit or small fry? Northants entrepreneur hoping for success with new ‘potato by post’ business


----------



## trabuquera (Aug 18, 2016)

*Omaha dad finds pot brownies, eats 4 of them, says mean things to cat*

Omaha dad finds pot brownies, eats 4 of them, says mean things to cat


----------



## ruffneck23 (Aug 18, 2016)

Cannabis haul so small police had trouble weighing it - Isle of Man Today

the local paper actually had this as the headline last week, cant find my photo of the paper yet but will try and in a bit


----------



## DotCommunist (Aug 18, 2016)

school science labs have scales that can weigh very low amounts indeed. As do most labs. Once again plod manages to not think at all. Are we talking a blim here?



> The street value was said to be between £1.06 and £4.


given plods habit of exaggeration in these matters that was clearly a blim. Less than a one skinner. Not even a prison roll. You'd chuck it in a rollie for the flavour but not feel anything. What a good use of everyones time


----------



## ruffneck23 (Aug 18, 2016)

apparently the lady admitted having it in the house on the doorstep , so I'm not too sure I have that much sympathy for her 

yes a waste of time, but there isn't too much crime over here , so it must seem like the bust of the year


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 18, 2016)

ruffneck23 said:


> Cannabis haul so small police had trouble weighing it - Isle of Man Today
> 
> the local paper actually had this as the headline last week, cant find my photo of the paper yet but will try and in a bit





> The street value was said to be between £1.06 and £4



Damn that Brexit-related currency fluctuation


----------



## petee (Aug 18, 2016)

*Baby the Cat Attacks 7 Pit Bulls in Canada, Sending One to Vet and Dog’s Owner to ER*
the pictures are not cute  
Baby the Cat Attacks 7 Pit Bulls in Canada, Sending One to Vet and Dog’s Owner to ER


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 19, 2016)

petee said:


> *Baby the Cat Attacks 7 Pit Bulls in Canada, Sending One to Vet and Dog’s Owner to ER*


NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 19, 2016)

This is what local newspapers have come to 

Bristol goes mad as Zoella goes shopping in Primark


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 19, 2016)

Man arrested having sex with parked van, police say


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 19, 2016)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Man arrested having sex with parked van, police say


From the comments:



> Guess he better get tested for a van-aerial disease


----------



## pesh (Aug 19, 2016)




----------



## trabuquera (Aug 23, 2016)

It's an international newspaper, but maybe the most smalltown news story Of All Time:

*With Crocodiles in Custody, Police in Humpty Doo, Australia, Seek Human Accomplices*

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/23/i...humpty-doo-crocodiles.html?smid=tw-share&_r=0

(worth a click, as there's video of the miscreants lobbing the reptiles - into a _school building, _because what the hell else is there to do in Humpty Doo,  and some classic deadpan one-liners.)


----------



## petee (Aug 23, 2016)

*Nutt says Dick to Replace Johnson Against Cocks*

Nutt says Dick to Replace Johnson Against Cocks - StateFans Nation

*


trabuquera said:



 Humpty Doo, Australia

Click to expand...

*
hahahahaha
*

*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 23, 2016)

Welcome to Bristol

Father and son to sell rare whale vomit for £65,000


----------



## Sirena (Aug 26, 2016)




----------



## danny la rouge (Aug 26, 2016)

Sirena said:


>


They _knew_.


----------



## Sirena (Aug 26, 2016)

danny la rouge said:


> They _knew_.



You mean they're being cheeky?


----------



## Enviro (Aug 30, 2016)

Argus fail  - notice how the guy in the picture seems to have somewhat not died.


----------



## bi0boy (Sep 1, 2016)

Chips thrown on car in Frome near Bed and Breakfast


----------



## sim667 (Sep 2, 2016)

*Woman breaking wind cuts through sombre silence of Grimsby courtroom*

Woman breaking wind cuts through sombre silence of Grimsby courtroom


----------



## sim667 (Sep 2, 2016)

*Man caught on camera having poo in bag in Skegness*

Man caught on camera having poo in bag in Skegness - Skegness Standard


----------



## bi0boy (Sep 2, 2016)

Police called to "human foetus" - which turned out to be alien toy


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 2, 2016)

sim667 said:


> *Man caught on camera having poo in bag in Skegness*
> 
> Man caught on camera having poo in bag in Skegness - Skegness Standard


What the headline doesn't tell you is that it was a man on a stoma ward


----------



## Mrs Miggins (Sep 2, 2016)

More from Humpty Doo....


----------



## sim667 (Sep 2, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> What the headline doesn't tell you is that it was a man on a stoma ward


What's a stoma ward?


----------



## May Kasahara (Sep 2, 2016)

sim667 said:


> *Woman breaking wind cuts through sombre silence of Grimsby courtroom*
> 
> Woman breaking wind cuts through sombre silence of Grimsby courtroom



An impressively long story spun out from a basic fart gag  and in my maternal home town too, so proud.



Mrs Miggins said:


> More from Humpty Doo....
> View attachment 91926 View attachment 91927



Brilliant pull quote there


----------



## trabuquera (Sep 2, 2016)

at two things: that the misuse of the word "iconic" has reached even Humpty Doo, and also, that the pull quote wasn't "They're taking away that larrikinism", which would have been the best text box ever.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 2, 2016)

sim667 said:


> What's a stoma ward?


For this sort of thing


----------



## dessiato (Sep 2, 2016)

May Kasahara said:


> An impressively long story spun out from a basic fart gag  and in my maternal home town too, so proud.
> 
> 
> 
> Brilliant pull quote there


I'm a Meggy. I think there's a few of us refugees on here.


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 3, 2016)

bi0boy said:


> Police called to "human foetus" - which turned out to be alien toy


 I remember reading a very similar story in the Fortean Times about ten years ago.


----------



## Mrs Miggins (Sep 3, 2016)

dessiato said:


> I'm a Meggy. I think there's a few of us refugees on here.


*puts up hand*


----------



## two sheds (Sep 3, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> I remember reading a very similar story in the Fortean Times about ten years ago.



I bet that was the toy of an actual alien though


----------



## existentialist (Sep 3, 2016)

(it may be a pearost, squinting at that masthead, it's from 2011)


----------



## Opera Buffa (Sep 4, 2016)

IT WILL BE DESTROYED


----------



## gosub (Sep 4, 2016)

Ramblers planned walk over doomed bridge 24 hours after collapse


----------



## gosub (Sep 4, 2016)

Drunk, unemployed and angry German wasps set to invade Plymouth


----------



## kabbes (Sep 4, 2016)

"Sharon Bromance"


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Sep 4, 2016)

kabbes said:


> "Sharon Bromance"


That is what I was thinking! "Bromance" is just, just...well just!


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Sep 4, 2016)

existentialist said:


> (it may be a pearost, squinting at that masthead, it's from 2011)
> View attachment 91976


WON'T THEY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!


----------



## sim667 (Sep 5, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> For this sort of thing


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 5, 2016)

kabbes said:


> "Sharon Bromance"



It's a very odd surname - sounds made up.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 5, 2016)

gosub said:


> Drunk, unemployed and angry German wasps set to invade Plymouth



Let us hope fizzerbird isn't planning to visit Plymouth anytime soon.


----------



## existentialist (Sep 5, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> It's a very odd surname - sounds made up.


How our April Fool swept the globe


----------



## Opera Buffa (Sep 5, 2016)

I always get caught out by those things.


----------



## ruffneck23 (Sep 5, 2016)

The Isle of Man Courier isn’t just a paper product - Isle of Man Today

This weeks headline out does the other weeks...


----------



## fizzerbird (Sep 5, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Let us hope fizzerbird isn't planning to visit Plymouth anytime soon.



OH FFS!!!!!! 

The German wasp invasion In Plymouth is close enough but I've just read this also...

Killer Asian hornet which can melt human flesh found in Devon
Read more at Killer Asian hornet which can melt human flesh found in Devon


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 5, 2016)

fizzerbird said:


> OH FFS!!!!!!
> 
> The German wasp invasion In Plymouth is close enough but I've just read this also...
> 
> ...



'Melt' is a bold claim - is it hugely acidic so you would melt like the Wicked Witch of the West?


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 5, 2016)

Talking of things melting in Plymouth

*People have gone into meltdown because Sainsbury's changed its £3 meal deal*



> Dan Clark, who was left with no better option than the tuna pasta, absolutely slated the changes...Matt Lindley was a little more restrained but no more annoyed.


----------



## jakethesnake (Sep 11, 2016)

5-mile trip takes mum and daughter AN HOUR due to Exeter traffic


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 11, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> Talking of things melting in Plymouth
> 
> *People have gone into meltdown because Sainsbury's changed its £3 meal deal*


“No less annoyed” would have made more sense


----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2016)




----------



## Voley (Sep 11, 2016)

Excellent work MrSki


----------



## gosub (Sep 11, 2016)

MrSki said:


>


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 11, 2016)

MrSki said:


>


I _think_ you'll find it was a _dog_, actually


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 12, 2016)

Police issue 'penis shaped map' in stabbing appeal - BBC News


----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 12, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Police issue 'penis shaped map' in stabbing appeal - BBC News


Hitler's ballsack on it there


----------



## existentialist (Sep 12, 2016)

fizzerbird said:


> OH FFS!!!!!!
> 
> The German wasp invasion In Plymouth is close enough but I've just read this also...
> 
> ...


That's not a remotely irresponsible bit of reporting! *cough*


----------



## existentialist (Sep 12, 2016)

MrSki said:


>


Haha, I saw that one outside a newsagent in Narberth and thought "that'd be a good one for Urban". Then forgot about it


----------



## Santino (Sep 12, 2016)

MrSki said:


>


It's the _Every Friday_ that really makes this one.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 12, 2016)

It's not local, but still 

*Jailed Agadoo singer 'led a conga in prison'*

http://tgr.ph/l0VIni


----------



## sim667 (Sep 14, 2016)

Row breaks out in village near Exeter over frilly knickers hung up on line next to primary school



> Row breaks out in village near Exeter over frilly knickers hung up on line next to primary school


----------



## 8den (Sep 14, 2016)

Carlow Nationalist —   Sale of multipack coke leaves Carlow customer unhappy

Angry people in local newspapers


----------



## hash tag (Sep 14, 2016)

Alternatively .....
*Knicker Nicker! Gran Gets Angry Note After Hanging ‘Inappropriate’ Underwear On Line Opposite School*


----------



## Opera Buffa (Sep 14, 2016)




----------



## petee (Sep 17, 2016)

*Sheep on the loose in South Jersey suburb*

Sheep on the loose in South Jersey suburb


----------



## petee (Sep 20, 2016)

*Woman Drives Into Oncoming Traffic, Hits Officer To Avoid Going To NJ*

Woman Drives Into Oncoming Traffic, Hits Officer To Avoid Going To NJ


----------



## gosub (Sep 20, 2016)

Opera Buffa said:


>


My wife was for ever having a go at me for things I did in dreams


----------



## 8den (Sep 21, 2016)




----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 22, 2016)




----------



## JimW (Sep 22, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> View attachment 92847


That's my local paper and I thought of posting it - had "brutal attack by 600 kilo cow" in one edition.

ETA They roam free on the common land here and bad drivers kill several every year, this was clearly an attempt to reduce sympathy.


----------



## gosub (Sep 23, 2016)

Southend man asks tattooist for ‘that guy from The Jam’ and it all goes horribly wrong


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 23, 2016)

Have you looked at the other stories on Southend News Network gosub ?


----------



## SpookyFrank (Sep 23, 2016)

Motorists left furious at 'too wide' cycle lane



> Mr Gough added: "Cyclists don't need that much space to go into unless they are very overweight.


----------



## gosub (Sep 23, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> Have you looked at the other stories on Southend News Network gosub ?


Ahh.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 23, 2016)

8den said:


> View attachment 92799


By George


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 23, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> Have you looked at the other stories on Southend News Network gosub ?


I blame SaskiaJayne


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Sep 23, 2016)

Great, I'm reminded SNN is a thing. There goes the rest of the evening



> *An inside source within Labour’s National Executive Committee has revealed to Southend News Network that there are plans in place to sensationally SUSPEND Jeremy Corbyn from the Labour Party just a few days ahead of the leadership election. *
> 
> According to our contact, an allegation has been made that Corbyn made an anti-semitic comment to a member of London’s Orthodox Jewish community at a bus stop in Camden on Monday morning.
> 
> He said: ‘An email was received from a member of the public who identified himself as Moishe Ifdakapfitz, a long-time resident of Stamford Hill. He reported that he was waiting for a bus at 10am on Monday morning, when Mr Corbyn approached the bus stop and apologised for not having his reading glasses on – he then allegedly said ‘What time is the next bus Jew?’


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Sep 24, 2016)

Latest from SE London's News Shopper

"Billions of fleas with massive penises will be invading bedrooms in south London homes"

(here)


----------



## Opera Buffa (Sep 24, 2016)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 24, 2016)

KERNOW PRIDE

Ninety-year record for world's heaviest red cabbage beaten - BBC News


----------



## Voley (Sep 24, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> KERNOW PRIDE


CHAMPIONS! CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 24, 2016)

Voley said:


> CHAMPIONS! CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD!


Ninety years of hurt


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 24, 2016)

Puddy_Tat said:


> Latest from SE London's News Shopper
> 
> "Billions of fleas with massive penises will be invading bedrooms in south London homes"
> 
> (here)


Could be worse; could be giant cockroaches


----------



## Maggot (Sep 27, 2016)

Opera Buffa said:


>


Gef the Mongoose was definitely real. Gef - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------



## jakethesnake (Sep 28, 2016)

Woman pictured performing sex act with dinosaur an 'all time low' for Exmouth
Woman pictured performing sex act with dinosaur an 'all time low' for Exmouth


----------



## DotCommunist (Sep 29, 2016)

not local but from the star:

*JURAS-SEX PARK: Outrage as bonk-mad knickerless nympho romps with baby DINOSAUR*
AN IMAGE of a woman going commando and performing a sex act on a model DINOSAUR at a popular trail has been damned as "disgusting".


----------



## two sheds (Sep 29, 2016)

quote]Organiser of the Exmouth Dino Trail, John Thorogood, said: "I saw the image on social media and was completely disgusted by it.
Read more at Woman pictured performing sex act with dinosaur an 'all time low' for Exmouth [/quote]

Anyone else misread that as the Exmouth Dildo Trail? 

Apart from her, obv.


----------



## Maggot (Oct 2, 2016)

Not the headline, but I like the name of this paper I picked up in Cambridgeshire:


----------



## Enviro (Oct 3, 2016)

*Schoolboy doesn't miss a day of school for five years but misses out on prize*


----------



## T & P (Oct 3, 2016)

DotCommunist said:


> not local but from the star:
> 
> *JURAS-SEX PARK: Outrage as bonk-mad knickerless nympho romps with baby DINOSAUR*
> AN IMAGE of a woman going commando and performing a sex act on a model DINOSAUR at a popular trail has been damned as "disgusting".



Where is the image?


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 3, 2016)

I have not had the pleasure of seeing it either. But I'm suprised they didn't use the phrase 'megasorearse' because you'd have one after courting a plastic dino I would have assumed


----------



## billy_bob (Oct 3, 2016)

two sheds said:


> quote]Organiser of the Exmouth Dino Trail, John Thorogood, said: "I saw the image on social media and was completely disgusted by it.
> Read more at Woman pictured performing sex act with dinosaur an 'all time low' for Exmouth
> 
> Anyone else misread that as the Exmouth Dildo Trail?
> ...



She appears to be wearing Fred Flintstone's smock, so at least she dressed appropriately.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 3, 2016)

DotCommunist said:


> *JURAS-SEX PARK*



And its sequel

*THE LUST WORLD*


----------



## hash tag (Oct 4, 2016)

*Florida Woman Marries Her Own Grandfather After Hooking Up On Dating Site*

https://lockerdome.com/theinquisitr/9145369594480916

In case you are concerned, he has had several failed marriages and they plan to make it work!


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 4, 2016)

Just goes to show there's someone for everyone, even family!


----------



## hash tag (Oct 4, 2016)

But only if there is enough money involved


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 4, 2016)

Oh, how cynical!
Good ol' grandpappy could have been a right catch, even before the win 

He told Florida Sun Post: “It was like a sense of deja vu, but at the time I couldn’t figure out why she seemed so familiar.”
No shit Sherlock!


----------



## existentialist (Oct 6, 2016)

hash tag said:


> *Florida Woman Marries Her Own Grandfather After Hooking Up On Dating Site*
> 
> https://lockerdome.com/theinquisitr/9145369594480916
> 
> In case you are concerned, he has had several failed marriages and they plan to make it work!


I wonder what it was she found so attractive about a 68 year old lottery winner?


----------



## hash tag (Oct 6, 2016)

It's even worse when it becomes national? 

*Woman who got sex toy stuck warns kinky couples after world's most embarrassing hospital trip*

"sex aid pack with fork hadle and bbq prongs" 

Woman hospitalised after getting sex toy stuck amid steamy session with partner


----------



## billy_bob (Oct 6, 2016)

hash tag said:


> It's even worse when it becomes national?
> 
> *Woman who got sex toy stuck warns kinky couples after world's most embarrassing hospital trip*
> 
> ...






			
				The Mirror said:
			
		

> A student teacher has warned kinky couples...



I can't help thinking her public-spiritedness in issuing this warning may come back to haunt her when she begins to apply for jobs in schools....


----------



## Maggot (Oct 6, 2016)

hash tag said:


> It's even worse when it becomes national?
> 
> *Woman who got sex toy stuck warns kinky couples after world's most embarrassing hospital trip*
> 
> ...



Fork Handles? They could do a new version of that 2 Ronnnies sketch at A&E.


----------



## petee (Oct 8, 2016)

*Police appeal for information about chicken crossing road*

Police appeal for information about chicken crossing road - BBC News


----------



## hash tag (Oct 8, 2016)

It's great that public spirited people cared for a chicken and it wasn't just a way of publicising the hairy bikers.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 9, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> KERNOW PRIDE
> 
> Ninety-year record for world's heaviest red cabbage beaten - BBC News


On a roll:

Gardener smashes UK pumpkin record - BBC News


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 11, 2016)

Not a local headline, but I'll put it here anyway



> *Police Land Rover spray-painted silver by vandals*


*



*



> ...the Land Rover had been parked in the location at other times without incident.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 11, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> Not a local headline, but I'll put it here anyway
> 
> 
> *
> ...


Everyone's laughing until the moment the doors open and out step a pair of pepperspray-toting cybermen


----------



## dessiato (Oct 12, 2016)

hash tag said:


> It's even worse when it becomes national?
> 
> *Woman who got sex toy stuck warns kinky couples after world's most embarrassing hospital trip*
> 
> ...


There's a tv show here in which doctors/patients talk about sex accidents which ended in emergency hospital treatment. One which resonated with me was the story of the woman who accidentally set fire to the man's genitals causing second degree burns. Another was the woman who was bitten by a poisonous snake. A third was a man who in the throws of passion put his foot into a fire but was too embarrassed to tell the woman.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 12, 2016)

dessiato said:


> There's a tv show here in which doctors/patients talk about sex accidents which ended in emergency hospital treatment. One which resonated with me was the story of the woman who accidentally set fire to the man's genitals causing second degree burns. Another was the woman who was bitten by a poisonous snake. A third was a man who in the throws of passion put his foot into a fire but was too embarrassed to tell the woman.


WHY HAS THIS NOT MADE IT TO THE UK?


----------



## dessiato (Oct 12, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> WHY HAS THIS NOT MADE IT TO THE UK?


It's dreadful and fascinating at the same time. 

I'm waiting for Naked Attraction to get here. Awful tv at its glorious worst.


----------



## billy_bob (Oct 12, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> Not a local headline, but I'll put it here anyway
> 
> 
> *
> ...



Baby-girl pink would have been funnier.


----------



## hash tag (Oct 12, 2016)

Pink would give out totally the wrong impression!


----------



## two sheds (Oct 12, 2016)

flowers would have been nice


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 12, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> WHY HAS THIS NOT MADE IT TO THE UK?



It's on one of the Sky channels
Sex Sent Me to the ER


----------



## ice-is-forming (Oct 12, 2016)

Our local headline today was 

THREE METRE CROCODILE SPOTTED. 

There shouldn't be crocs here! It was spotted on the beach literally five minutes walk away and where my son swims every day


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Oct 13, 2016)

Maggot said:


> Fork Handles? They could do a new version of that 2 Ronnnies sketch at A&E.


----------



## hash tag (Oct 13, 2016)

Proper local news like ( just be careful ):
*Poundland stores selling bargain sex toys with £1 vibrator for anyone seeking cheap thrills*

Cheap thrills: Poundland causes a buzz with £1 sex toys on sale in stores


----------



## OzT (Oct 14, 2016)

And with using the batteries they sell by the counter shoudl last all of ten seconds.....


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 14, 2016)

OzT said:


> And with using the batteries they sell by the counter shoudl last all of ten seconds.....


Well that's me sorted, twice


----------



## petee (Oct 15, 2016)

*Man on LSD saves dog from imaginary fire*
*
Troopers: Man on LSD saves dog from imaginary fire*


----------



## two sheds (Oct 15, 2016)

petee said:


> *Man on LSD saves dog from imaginary fire*
> *
> Troopers: Man on LSD saves dog from imaginary fire*



Yeh it was a *real dog* though wasn't it, they don't give that enough stress in the article trying to make him feel silly


----------



## Hurin85 (Oct 16, 2016)

The clowns are coming to get you .....


----------



## Hurin85 (Oct 16, 2016)

Stop clowning around .


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 16, 2016)

*Why a cup of coffee with a friend at McDonald's ended up costing a woman £50
*
This line in particular 



> Karen, who is only 5ft 5in in height, said she went back to check the location and realised she had not seen a sign.


----------



## existentialist (Oct 16, 2016)

neonwilderness said:


> *Why a cup of coffee with a friend at McDonald's ended up costing a woman £50
> *
> This line in particular


And, of course, she failed to take the appropriate steps, namely to completely ignore the invidiously worded demands for money. (my lot have given up, now, after Letter 8. Muahahaha)


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 16, 2016)

> *Amazing scenes as farmer ploughs beach instead of field*



And they say nothing exciting ever happens down here


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 16, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> And they say nothing exciting ever happens down here


The beach looks aesthetically pleasing after being ploughed.


----------



## two sheds (Oct 16, 2016)

> Social media users joked that sea cucumbers could be planted after spotting the neat furrows at Marazion Beach in Cornwall.



wish i'd thought of that one


----------



## Treacle Toes (Oct 16, 2016)

I make him creative and RIGHT! 



> “Apparently he [the tractor driver] was doing two things – using the sand to get the rust off his plough blades and practising for an upcoming ploughing competition.


----------



## two sheds (Oct 16, 2016)

you're ignoring the sea cucumbers


----------



## MrSki (Oct 16, 2016)

petee said:


> *Man on LSD saves dog from imaginary fire*
> *
> Troopers: Man on LSD saves dog from imaginary fire*


Not local (to me ) & certainly not a paper.


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 16, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> The beach looks aesthetically pleasing after being ploughed.


I've seen better


----------



## JimW (Oct 17, 2016)

They can follow up on the amazing scenes with some harrowing details.


----------



## two sheds (Oct 17, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> I've seen better



Aliens


----------



## kabbes (Oct 22, 2016)

Driver smashes car through garage wall in Brownhills - BBC News


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 26, 2016)

'Better safe than sorry' say police as 'bomb' turns out to be ROCK

*Hinchley Wood 'unexploded ordnance' which closed A309 was actually just a ROCK*


----------



## Opera Buffa (Oct 26, 2016)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 26, 2016)

Opera Buffa said:


>


I don't believe that for a minute - it's transparently a plantain


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 26, 2016)

*'Bins are blocking the pavement outside my Plymouth house, so I'm moving to Cornwall'*



> A man from Lipson is so fed up with bins blocking the pavement in his street that he is considering moving to Saltash.


  No one should have to move to Saltash


----------



## bi0boy (Oct 28, 2016)

Alien ladybirds infected with a sex disease are heading for homes in Cambridgeshire


----------



## petee (Oct 29, 2016)

*Local Store Plagued By Thieving Cat*

*



(e2a *hmm can't see pic of miscreant cat on my mobile)

Local Store Plagued By Thieving Cat - The Reykjavik Grapevine


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 29, 2016)




----------



## existentialist (Oct 29, 2016)

Psychic Sally Morgan cancels Stamford show due to “Due to circumstances beyond control”


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 29, 2016)

existentialist said:


> Psychic Sally Morgan cancels Stamford show due to “Due to circumstances beyond control”


Her 'skills' are clearly not what they once were.


----------



## andysays (Oct 29, 2016)

Psychics aren't able to control things, surely, rather they claim they can predict the future

"Due to unforeseen circumstances" would be better, but maybe too much to hope for


----------



## existentialist (Oct 29, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Her 'skills' are clearly not what they once were.


No, I think her 'skills' are exactly as they have always been.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 30, 2016)

andysays said:


> Psychics aren't able to control things, surely, rather they claim they can predict the future
> 
> "Due to unforeseen circumstances" would be better, but maybe too much to hope for


Not necessarily too much to hope for...

Psychic cancels live show due to 'unforeseen circumstances'


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Nov 2, 2016)

*Carnforth Civic Hall gets new vacuum cleaner*

The Westmorland Gazette: Keeping tabs on those fucking local government spendthrifts


----------



## Enviro (Nov 3, 2016)

What about sub-headers?:

ANGRY PASSENGERS CRAMMED AT THE GATES OF HELL


----------



## MrSki (Nov 3, 2016)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 4, 2016)

MrSki said:


>


NOT. ENOUGH. THUMBS. IN. THE. WORLD.


----------



## Siouxsie (Nov 4, 2016)

They only had to look for someone wearing a beret.


----------



## petee (Nov 5, 2016)

*USAF’s Big Penetrator Needs to Be Harder*

USAF's Big Penetrator Needs to Be Harder - Defensetech

(not local, exactly)


----------



## Indeliblelink (Nov 8, 2016)

*Hitler's wife's knickers sold at Malvern auction*

Hitler's wife's knickers sold at Malvern auction


----------



## krtek a houby (Nov 8, 2016)

MrSki said:


>



Christ; is that still a thing? Frank Spencer impressions?


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 8, 2016)

krtek a houby said:


> Christ; is that still a thing? Frank Spencer impressions?


It will be as long as Gary Wilmot lives


----------



## Libertad (Nov 8, 2016)

(((Wilmot)))


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 8, 2016)

*Devon and Cornwall police admit they were wrong to sell 'hippy crack' device on eBay*



> Devon and Cornwall police has a responsibility to dispose of seized and excess items in the most cost-efficient way possible


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 8, 2016)

Indeliblelink said:


> *Hitler's wife's knickers sold at Malvern auction*
> View attachment 95191
> Hitler's wife's knickers sold at Malvern auction


Hopefully the Braun stains have been removed


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 9, 2016)

Mayhem in Brixton:
Confusion reigns as central Brixton bus stops are shifted around


----------



## pogofish (Nov 10, 2016)

The "*Mountain of Fire*" gospel church has burnt down:



> Fire crews were sent to a blaze involving propane gas cylinders at a gospel ministry in Aberdeen.
> 
> Two appliances attended the incident at the Mountain Of Fire Ministry on Palmerston Road this evening.



Fire crews called to gas cylinder blaze at Aberdeen gospel ministry - Evening Express


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 10, 2016)

pogofish said:


> The "*Mountain of Fire*" gospel church has burnt down:
> 
> 
> 
> Fire crews called to gas cylinder blaze at Aberdeen gospel ministry - Evening Express


Wonder if their insurance claim will be refused as an act of god?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 10, 2016)

pogofish said:


> The "*Mountain of Fire*" gospel church has burnt down:
> 
> 
> 
> Fire crews called to gas cylinder blaze at Aberdeen gospel ministry - Evening Express


Wonder if their insurance claim will be refused as an act of god?


----------



## 8den (Nov 10, 2016)




----------



## alan_ (Nov 10, 2016)

*Alert sends several police vehicles rushing to Gourock*




Picture by George Munro.

15 Sep 2016


*Don't be the last to know! Get the latest local news straight to your inbox.*
A MAJOR police response was sparked yesterday after reports of a disturbance in Gourock.

Four police vehicles, including a van and three cars, rushed to Binnie Street after they received a report that three males were arguing.

Officers parked on Shore Street while inquiries took place.

Inspector Julie MacDonald from Greenock police said: “A report was received about an alleged disturbance.

"The police attended and toured the area but nobody was traced and no arrests were made.”


----------



## chandlerp (Nov 15, 2016)

"while injuries took place"


----------



## hash tag (Nov 16, 2016)

Sorry if this has already been done but must be worth doing again!

*‘Semi-erect’ OAP caught shampooing his genitals on a bus claims he’s ‘no hardened criminal’*

Read more at ‘Semi-erect’ OAP caught shampooing his genitals on a bus claims he’s ‘no hardened criminal’


----------



## Siouxsie (Nov 16, 2016)

_Philip Milne, 74, was travelling from Bletchley to Bedford when he began to have some issues with his briefs and unzipped his trousers to 'use some shampoo to soothe his groin area' because he did not have his ointment to hand
_
Hope he didn't get it in his eye!..... shampoo smarts like hell, look >>>_ _


----------



## two sheds (Nov 16, 2016)

Who can honestly say they've not at some time soothed their genitals on a bus with shampoo? There but for the grace of ...


----------



## Libertad (Nov 16, 2016)

Head and shoulders no doubt.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 16, 2016)

Was this the bloke on the bus?

*Pensioner’s Giant Cock Has Become A Tourist Attraction In Fife*

Pensioner's Giant Cock Has Become A Tourist Attraction In Fife | The Huffington Post


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 16, 2016)

hash tag said:


> Was this the bloke on the bus?



Bus? He needs a fucking articulated lorry to fit it onboard


----------



## dessiato (Nov 20, 2016)

Man in court for LICKING three women in Lincoln city centre


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 24, 2016)

XTC frontman recovering after varnish accident


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 5, 2016)

What a balls-up: Santa has some inappropriate gifts in his sack







Shades of...


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 5, 2016)

Oh, and

Bristol's BIGGEST ever Greggs set to open


----------



## Siouxsie (Dec 5, 2016)

It's all happening in Bristol!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 5, 2016)

Siouxsie said:


> It's all happening in Bristol!


LIVE THE DREAM - DREAM THE LIFE


----------



## Siouxsie (Dec 5, 2016)

I'm sure they do, whilst grasping a 'freshly baked in store' Greggs sausage roll!


----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 6, 2016)

*Angry mum complains to Tesco after alphabet shapes fail to spell out son's name*



> It was just lots of repeated letters, a lot of Y's and a lot of J's. I had to improvise, which wasn't really nice



There wasn't even enough to spell disaster


----------



## JimW (Dec 6, 2016)

Ground Elder said:


> *Angry mum complains to Tesco after alphabet shapes fail to spell out son's name*
> 
> 
> 
> There wasn't even enough to spell disaster


If she'd called him Colin we wouldn't have a problem.


----------



## Siouxsie (Dec 6, 2016)

JimW said:


> If she'd called him Colin we wouldn't have a problem.



Errrm ...there were no 'O's or 'L's ....so poor 'CcIin' would have been in the same boat as 'Icgan'


----------



## JimW (Dec 6, 2016)

Siouxsie said:


> Errrm ...there were no 'O's or 'L's ....so poor 'CcIin' would have been in the same boat as 'Icgan'


 Spelling champion, me.


----------



## Siouxsie (Dec 6, 2016)

Don't apply for Countdown just yet


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 6, 2016)

JimW said:


> Spelling champion, me.





Siouxsie said:


> Don't apply for Countdown just yet



TITCHWAKT


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 6, 2016)

Excellent work in Southport:



> *Weeks worth of human excrement dumped behind Ormskirk houses*



Buckets of human poo dumped behind Ormskirk houses


----------



## petee (Dec 7, 2016)

*pedophile beaten to death with his own trumpet*

Convicted pedophile beaten to death with his own trumpet | News | Toronto Sun

bonus: it happened in the city of Moron


----------



## Mrs Miggins (Dec 7, 2016)

neonwilderness said:


> *Why a cup of coffee with a friend at McDonald's ended up costing a woman £50
> *
> This line in particular


I want to know where she's seen a "top of the range" coffee maker for £50


----------



## kabbes (Dec 7, 2016)

petee said:


> *pedophile beaten to death with his own trumpet*
> 
> Convicted pedophile beaten to death with his own trumpet | News | Toronto Sun
> 
> bonus: it happened in the city of Moron


That's not funny, it's horrible.


----------



## bi0boy (Dec 7, 2016)

Water bunch of thieves - police hunt criminals in white van who stole water


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 7, 2016)

bi0boy said:


> Water bunch of thieves - police hunt criminals in white van who stole water


Back in the 1980s it was all about steamers


----------



## Maggot (Dec 7, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Excellent work in Southport:
> 
> 
> 
> Buckets of human poo dumped behind Ormskirk houses


Doesn't look like shit.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 7, 2016)

Maggot said:


> Doesn't look like shit.


That's because (per the photo caption):



> Residents have put sand and bleach on the excrement to cover it


----------



## rekil (Dec 8, 2016)

Not a great headline, I would've gone with Cyclepath To Hell or something, but a quality story about fears of a mad max style terror descending on the nice estates.



> Residents of Athlumney Abbey and adjoining estates in Johnstown, Navan are furious at plans for a network of cycle and pedestrian paths linking their area to the centre of Navan.
> 
> Local residents were particularly annoyed at plans to limit traffic on the Convent Road, and have expressed fears that anti-social behaviour will result from the opening of linkways between the estates.
> 
> “There is nothing to stop motorbikes using these links between estates and these openings very often attract anti- social behaviour,” he said.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 8, 2016)

copliker said:


> Not a great headline, I would've gone with Cyclepath To Hell or something



*LOCALS FEAR RAMPAGING CYCLEPATH*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 8, 2016)

copliker said:


> a quality story about fears of a mad max style terror descending on the nice estates.



You may scoff, but already Athlumney Abbey is filling up with weirdoes from outside Johnstown - from afar afield as Bailis Downs, Leighsbrook, Beaufort Place - even Donaghmore and Newgate


----------



## Siouxsie (Dec 8, 2016)

“There was a leaflet drop and anyone who had ‘no junk mail’ signs on their doors didn’t get the leaflet,”

I know I shouldn't, but


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 9, 2016)

YouTube star reviews London chicken shops in search of 'pengest munch'
pengaleng


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 10, 2016)

copliker said:


> Not a great headline, I would've gone with Cyclepath To Hell or something, but a quality story about fears of a mad max style terror descending on the nice estates.


Also some excellently listless local newspaper pointing going on in the photo


----------



## Mumbles274 (Dec 10, 2016)

Not funny but totally fucking idiotic and insulting story about a wanker 

"Broadband roadworks compared to war torn Syria"

Ashford Broadband roadworks compared to war-torn Syria


----------



## JimW (Dec 10, 2016)




----------



## rekil (Dec 10, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Also some excellently listless local newspaper pointing going on in the photo


"give me your _particularly annoyed_ face"


----------



## Siouxsie (Dec 10, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Also some excellently listless local newspaper pointing going on in the photo


I've been looking for one of those jumpers for my uncles Christmas pressie!....I think it looks nice and warm, plus the practical side of being easy to get over his head


----------



## Libertad (Dec 10, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Also some excellently listless local newspaper pointing going on in the photo



Gregg Wallace has let himself go a bit.


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 13, 2016)

Epic disaster as Limpopo brothers are killed while raping a crocodile - Zimbabwe News | ZW NEWS Zim


----------



## Siouxsie (Dec 13, 2016)

The magic medicine, given by the local witch doctor, to weaken the croc, didn't work.

Isn't that terrible, you can't trust anyone these days 
I thought the croc looked quite happy in the pic.....must have been the wrong 'medicine'


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 13, 2016)

There's certainly a moral to that story


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 13, 2016)

Orang Utan said:


> There's certainly a moral to that story


Stop raping crocodiles?


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 13, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Stop raping crocodiles?


A* to you! Though, I would modify that to 'don't even start'


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 13, 2016)

Orang Utan said:


> A* to you! Though, I would modify that to 'don't even start'


We don't all have your unimpeachable moral probity and innate intelligence though.


----------



## Pseudopsycho (Dec 13, 2016)

I read that and it seems this is quite a common thing as they blamed the deaths on the crocodiles for becoming muthi resistant!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 13, 2016)

Pseudopsycho said:


> I read that and it seems this is quite a common thing as they blamed the deaths on the crocodiles for becoming muthi resistant!



Enough with the muthifucking crocodiles!


----------



## Pseudopsycho (Dec 14, 2016)

The other thing is they must have a _really _niche kink if they can't perform in the bedroom but can in a river with a carnivorous reptile surrounded by family...


----------



## rekil (Dec 14, 2016)

Carrickfergus man can’t remember rioting after consuming Buckfast, cocaine and crystal meth


----------



## gosub (Dec 15, 2016)

Furious mum complains to Tesco after alphabet potato shapes did not spell out son's name


----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 15, 2016)

gosub said:


> Furious mum complains to Tesco after alphabet potato shapes did not spell out son's name


 See post  #1593 for further details


----------



## neonwilderness (Dec 16, 2016)

Stand off with police in was 'like something out of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 16, 2016)

neonwilderness said:


> Stand off with police in was 'like something out of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'


LITERALLY



> ...the 26-year-old has walked free from court on a suspended prison sentence...



Oh.


----------



## neonwilderness (Dec 16, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> LITERALLY
> 
> 
> 
> Oh.


I think that bit is in the director's cut.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 16, 2016)

_Leatherface: The Probation Years_


----------



## Ponyutd (Dec 18, 2016)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 18, 2016)

Mumbles274 said:


> Not funny but totally fucking idiotic and insulting story about a wanker
> 
> "Broadband roadworks compared to war torn Syria"
> 
> Ashford Broadband roadworks compared to war-torn Syria



A comment beneath the article claims that the bloke moaning is "the bully of the estate".  Either way he's an idiot.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 18, 2016)

Thief snatches mobile phone, turns out it's chocolate


----------



## Santino (Dec 18, 2016)

Some light internet research suggests that the crocodile story is a complete fiction designed to appeal to people's prejudices about African culture.


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 20, 2016)

*Warwick fish and chip shop offering battered sprouts*


----------



## Sasaferrato (Dec 20, 2016)

mikeinworthing said:


> This mistake appeared in a local rag in Kent some years ago.
> 
> After the local elections, 2nd headline on page, should have read 'Count at the town hall', but appeared as 'Cunt at the town hall' - never a truer statement
> 
> And down in Somerset when the 'Shift workers wanted' ad appeared as 'Shit workers wanted'.



There was, IIRC, a correction in the Manchester Evening News.

It went:

Correction. The comment printed in yesterday's paper re politicians should have read 'The Commons is largely populated by lawyers and academics, not 'Liars and arseholes' as printed.'.


----------



## Siouxsie (Dec 21, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


>


Awww, hasn't Bod's aunt Flo aged well


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 21, 2016)

Sensitive headline from the_ Bristol Post_ in light of recent events:

Christmas carnage expected tonight as festive celebrations begin


----------



## skyscraper101 (Dec 21, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Sensitive headline from the_ Bristol Post_ in light of recent events:
> 
> Christmas carnage expected tonight as festive celebrations begin



Featuring the most overused binge drinking stock image EVERRR...


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 21, 2016)

skyscraper101 said:


> Featuring the most overused binge drinking stock image EVERRR...


ALL DAY DRINKING JIHAD


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 21, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> ALL DAY DRINKING JIHAD


10 pound all you can drink at the Alahu ack Bar


----------



## rekil (Dec 21, 2016)

Dundalk Spirit

Masked robbers didn't stop bingo


> The operators of the Dundalk bingo club targeted in a robbery last week were open for business within hours of the incident, in which four masked men stole a small sum of money in a crime that lasted just two minutes.
> 
> But operations manager, David Bell and his staff were determined not to allow the raiders, at least one of whom was wearing a Hallowe'en mask, 'to disrupt our pleasures in life' following Wednesday night's heist and had the popular Racecourse Road destination open once more to punters by 2pm on Thursday.




Related.


> Dundalk people are more optimistic than the national average, in spite of the economy, according to new research carried out on behalf of Dundalk Credit Union.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 21, 2016)

DotCommunist said:


> 10 pound all you can drink at the Alahu ack Bar


----------



## Siouxsie (Dec 21, 2016)

skyscraper101 said:


> Featuring the most overused binge drinking stock image EVERRR...


They can use it as much as they like, the royalties bought me my new car!......I never did get the sick off those boots


----------



## killer b (Dec 21, 2016)

This is gold. Make sure to watch the video.

‘I’M SORRY’: Joker’s apology after obscene Christmas lights spark outrage


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 21, 2016)

killer b said:


> This is gold. Make sure to watch the video.
> 
> ‘I’M SORRY’: Joker’s apology after obscene Christmas lights spark outrage


 'your penis is still offensive'


----------



## rekil (Dec 21, 2016)

> A female police officer can then be heard saying: “Why don’t you put some clothes on?”, to which he replied: “What for?”


.


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 21, 2016)

I applaud the male coppers attempts to reason with him on semiotic grounds vis-a-vis the festive bell next to the word end.


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 21, 2016)

The end bit where he said he's dyslexic made me guffaw loudly


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 21, 2016)

Orang Utan said:


> The end bit where he said he's dyslexic made me guffaw loudly


FREE THE LABCOKPOL ENO


----------



## Voley (Dec 21, 2016)

''It's not a mushroom, it's a penis.''
''Well I'm dyslexic so I can't really tell.''


----------



## Sasaferrato (Dec 21, 2016)

killer b said:


> This is gold. Make sure to watch the video.
> 
> ‘I’M SORRY’: Joker’s apology after obscene Christmas lights spark outrage



That female copper needs a sense of humour transplant.


----------



## two sheds (Dec 21, 2016)

Sasaferrato said:


> That female copper needs a sense of humour transplant.



I dunno, "Why can't you just put Merry Christmas up like everybody else?" was a top line.


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 21, 2016)

also: your penis is offensive. How many times do you get to say that in a days work eh


----------



## killer b (Dec 21, 2016)

Sasaferrato said:


> That female copper needs a sense of humour transplant.


I disagree. The humour of the piece is almost entirely dependent on the coppers attempting to play it straight.


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 21, 2016)

Sasaferrato said:


> That female copper needs a sense of humour transplant.


No she doesn't. She's clearly wetting herself internally, just as the other cop clearly is. This is a bit of fun for them, in between the domestic violence, drunken misbehaviour and other grim cruelties they'll be getting calls about


----------



## pesh (Dec 22, 2016)

‘I’M SORRY’: Joker’s apology after obscene Christmas lights spark outrage

"its not a mushroom, it's a penis"


----------



## ItWillNeverWork (Dec 22, 2016)

pesh said:


> ‘I’M SORRY’: Joker’s apology after obscene Christmas lights spark outrage
> 
> "its not a mushroom, it's a penis"






			
				Policewoman said:
			
		

> Your penis is still offensive


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 22, 2016)

I'm just disappointed that our northern free speech warrior didn't pick up on the copper's misuse of ‘inferring’


----------



## existentialist (Dec 22, 2016)

Western Telegraph - the gift that just keeps on giving.

Chip shop boss accused of inciting teen boys to have sex with jumbo sausage

(srs story, but that headline... )


----------



## Casual Observer (Dec 23, 2016)




----------



## Siouxsie (Dec 23, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 97355
> Thief snatches mobile phone, turns out it's chocolate


It wasn't Oscar Lomax was it!

Oscar Lomax (Steve Pemberton) is a blind millionaire from Ilkley, West Yorkshire. He lives in a vast mansion with support coming only from Michael Fry (Daniel Kaluuya), who helps Lomax as community service. Lomax calls Michael "Tea leaf" because of his criminal background, "tea leaf" being cockney rhyming slang for "thief." Lomax spends his time collecting plush toys which he calls "commodities" and his "Holy of Holies", keeping them in a locked room. He carries a Club biscuit with him, mistaking it for a mobile phone


----------



## Siouxsie (Dec 23, 2016)

existentialist said:


> Western Telegraph - the gift that just keeps on giving.
> 
> Chip shop boss accused of inciting teen boys to have sex with jumbo sausage
> 
> (srs story, but that headline... )



"It is also alleged that he offered to supply the boys with cocaine, ecstasy and cannabis"

Blimey, the most exotic stuff our chippy does are chop suey rolls and Spam fritters!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 23, 2016)

Gardaí to crack down on cars with tinted windows and loud exhausts


----------



## neonwilderness (Dec 23, 2016)

What is the purpose of this mystery yellow box in Slaithwaite?


----------



## Voley (Dec 24, 2016)

neonwilderness said:


> What is the purpose of this mystery yellow box in Slaithwaite?


When I worked for the council I would sometimes have to deal with enquiries like this. Sadly, ''Look, why don't you just fuck off?'' wasn't considered an appropriate response. 

I no longer work for the council funnily enough.


----------



## Voley (Dec 24, 2016)

The Examiner missed a trick with their journalistic investigation of this important issue, though. I would've thought it justified a Freedom of Information request myself.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 25, 2016)

It might be Christmas, but by Jove those sneaky bureaucrats are not going to outmanoeuvre the fourth estate in downtown Surrey:

Is your street on the list of worst roads in Woking?


----------



## petee (Dec 25, 2016)

DaveCinzano said:


> Gardaí to crack down on cars with tinted windows and loud exhausts



good


----------



## MrSki (Dec 30, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 30, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 30, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 30, 2016)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 30, 2016)




----------



## two sheds (Dec 30, 2016)

In the West Briton's best-of-the-year: _This is what would happen if North Korea dropped a hydrogen bomb on Penzance.
_
Did Penzance say something


----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 31, 2016)

Penzance Town Council has been testing they warheads up Madron Carn - very provocative


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 31, 2016)

two sheds said:


> Did Penzance say something



*KIM JONG-UN IF
YOU THINK YOU'RE
HARD ENOUGH*


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 31, 2016)

Siouxsie said:


> "It is also alleged that he offered to supply the boys with cocaine, ecstasy and cannabis"
> 
> Blimey, the most exotic stuff our chippy does are chop suey rolls and Spam fritters!



We used to have a chippy van that sold bags of glue on the side when I was at the comp.  Well known among us pupils, less so amongst the adults who freaked out when they found out and got it closed down.  It resulted in a sticky situation in the 'glue sniffers corner' at the school.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 31, 2016)

Voley said:


> When I worked for the council I would sometimes have to deal with enquiries like this. Sadly, ''Look, why don't you just fuck off?'' wasn't considered an appropriate response.
> 
> I no longer work for the council funnily enough.



Yes, but what is the purpose of the yellow box?  

You know the truth - why aren't you telling us?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 31, 2016)

MrSki said:


>



Another tale of sexton, drugs & rock'n'roll


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 31, 2016)

MrSki said:


>


Don't blame it on the sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't blame it on the good times
Blame it on the buggy


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 31, 2016)

All part of a normal night out in Manchester.  

 
Topless man seen running around asking about lemon meringue pie


----------



## quiet guy (Dec 31, 2016)

farmerbarleymow said:


> All part of a normal night out in Manchester.
> 
> View attachment 98064
> Topless man seen running around asking about lemon meringue pie



Liked the other comment in the report;
"Earlier on, at about 10pm, officers were called to reports a man with no pants on was being massaged by a female in Piccadilly.

Insp Phil Spurgeon said: “Officers attended and found the man fully clothed with a pair of chinos on, which we think were light or skin coloured, making the caller think he had no pants on. There was no sexual activity taking place.”


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 2, 2017)

Not funny ha-ha

Police appeal for Croydon man 'who must not be approached'


----------



## dessiato (Jan 3, 2017)

Diners' horror as Aylesbury Nando's runs out of chicken


----------



## petee (Jan 4, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Not funny ha-ha
> 
> Police appeal for Croydon man 'who must not be approached'


"It is not yet known why Mr Witczak should not be approached"


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 4, 2017)

petee said:


> "It is not yet known why Mr Witczak should not be approached"


Perhaps he has Ebola


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 4, 2017)

dessiato said:


> Diners' horror as Aylesbury Nando's runs out of chicken


Fowl play is not suspected


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 4, 2017)

Picture: A girl tried to bring her dog with her into an Irish nightclub on New Year's Eve - Independent.ie


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 4, 2017)

Plan to make Hartlepool the Hollywood of the North with biggest UK film studio outside London


----------



## Siouxsie (Jan 4, 2017)

I wonder if the emblem will be a hanging monkey!


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 6, 2017)

Man with poodle throws bike at horse rider


----------



## Maggot (Jan 6, 2017)

Pop star Rhianna visits Cradley Heath school to spread online safety message

I can imagine the disappointment on the kids faces when they found out it was this Rhianna:


----------



## Siouxsie (Jan 6, 2017)

neonwilderness said:


> Man with poodle throws bike at horse rider



 @ comments .....
_HonestBob
3:41 AM on 06/01/2017 I know the culprit. It's all down to an old beef they had in the 1980's. It's Bob Carolgees. That jack Russell is always being mistaken for a poodle. He saw Dobbin from Rent a Ghost a fulfilled 30 year pledge to 'do him in' after he stole their prized 4.30pm CBBC time slot right before Grange Hill. Chorlton and The Wheelies were on their way to rumble also but got stuck in city centre congestion after the Fraggles were involved in a nasty accident crossing Princes Street opposite Jenners on a red man. A local nosey beak calling himself Apollo 21Pilot told the EEN that the whole sorry affair was the fault of the cyclists. He then rambled on about a cyclist nearly hitting him on the footpath last week which came very close to knocking the big chip off his shoulder. The Royal Edinburgh confirmed this to be untrue and are currently reviewing his medicine dosage._


----------



## oryx (Jan 6, 2017)

Police rushing to help collapsed person make unexpected discovery


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 7, 2017)

oryx said:


> Police rushing to help collapsed person make unexpected discovery


Just lucky it wasn't another _planned operation_


----------



## chandlerp (Jan 7, 2017)

Reminds me of this

BBC NEWS | England | Merseyside | Tributes left for a dead chicken


----------



## Voley (Jan 7, 2017)

chandlerp said:


> Reminds me of this
> 
> BBC NEWS | England | Merseyside | Tributes left for a dead chicken



One of the cards read: "RIP Little Baby. Safe in the arms of Jesus. From someone who is a loving mother xxxx."

Merseyside Police told the community on Monday to "stop grieving, it's only a chicken".


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jan 7, 2017)

Bizarre moment horse spotted 'getting on a bus' in London


----------



## dessiato (Jan 7, 2017)

chandlerp said:


> Reminds me of this
> 
> BBC NEWS | England | Merseyside | Tributes left for a dead chicken


I like the last paragraph.


----------



## Chemical needs (Jan 7, 2017)

*Helmsley is gripped by the mystery of the unclaimed false teeth*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 7, 2017)

Chemical needs said:


> *Helmsley is gripped by the mystery of the unclaimed false teeth*


Incisive reporting


----------



## oryx (Jan 7, 2017)

chandlerp said:


> Reminds me of this
> 
> BBC NEWS | England | Merseyside | Tributes left for a dead chicken



I've been laughing about that all day! Especially the bits Voley quoted.


----------



## Ground Elder (Jan 8, 2017)

*Great-grandma accidentally prays to Lord of the Rings figurine for years*



> ...don’t worry, the Gabriela’s daughter’s great-grandmother is no longer praying to a member of LOTR collective


----------



## Siouxsie (Jan 9, 2017)

Whatever gives you comfort!


----------



## hash tag (Jan 10, 2017)

Sorry, not a headline, but amusing all the same. Ease congestion. Ease congestion? Anything but as broken-down lorry branded with flu medicine blocks major Sutton road


----------



## rekil (Jan 11, 2017)

'Let Donald Trump build a wall around Meath - and make Louth pay for it!'



> The issue of the boundary extension with Drogheda was brought up with Brian Hanratty remarking that the rates on the big industrial units in the area were huge for the council - But, he remarked 'we don't even have a public park.'
> 
> Laytown man Jimmy Gilna, a long time campaigner, said he pays rates on his premises, but the council won't even cut the grass on the green across the road.
> 
> He then came up with the line of the night 'get Donald Trump to build a wall around County Meath - and get Louth to pay for it!'


----------



## hash tag (Jan 12, 2017)

(not a headline, but amusing all the same)


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 14, 2017)

We didn’t want our drive dug up! Wolverhampton nurse comes home to muddy patch of land and £2.5k bill - with VIDEO « Express & Star


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 14, 2017)

neonwilderness said:


> We didn’t want our drive dug up! Wolverhampton nurse comes home to muddy patch of land and £2.5k bill - with VIDEO « Express & Star


*LIES, TARMACADAM LIES &
HIGH PRESSURE SALES TRICKS*


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 14, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> *LIES, TARMACADAM LIES &
> HIGH PRESSURE SALES TRICKS*





> It was just a misunderstanding. I thought I had permission to carry out the work, that’s why we did it.


----------



## Siouxsie (Jan 15, 2017)

_It came days after she had turned down work on the drive from a man with a broad Irish accent who had knocked on the door._


----------



## petee (Jan 16, 2017)

St. Louis Post-Dispatch, Missouri, December 5, 1908


----------



## Ground Elder (Jan 16, 2017)

Stolen from Angry People In Local Newspapers -


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 17, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> View attachment 98884


Presumably he would like to see the eastward expansion of the car park


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 17, 2017)

From the breaking news page in the Manchester Evening News:


----------



## Reiabuzz (Jan 17, 2017)

This one's from a national. But still not bad.

*Boozed-up mum stormed into wrong house and battered innocent young woman - then peed herself after falling downstairs*

Boozed-up mum stormed into wrong house at 2am and battered teenage girl


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jan 25, 2017)

'Mystery dildo bandit:' St. John's sex shop searches for alleged robber


----------



## petee (Jan 25, 2017)

*Man with mop on head seeks egg*

Man with mop on head seeks egg in Port St. Lucie


----------



## hash tag (Jan 28, 2017)

*Jilted lady bobbitises lover for planning to marry another*		"bobbitises" 

Jilted lady bobbitises lover for planning to marry another	  OUCH


----------



## petee (Jan 30, 2017)

*A huge mouth and no anus*

A huge mouth and no anus – this could be our earliest known ancestor


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 31, 2017)

Not local, but...

Long neck of wanted man mercilessly mocked after police share his mugshot

...anyone seen Firky lately?


----------



## trabuquera (Jan 31, 2017)

petee said:


> *A huge mouth and no anus*
> 
> A huge mouth and no anus – this could be our earliest known ancestor



Typical media sensationalism and lies  - it DID have an anus, it was just the SAME ORIFICE as the "huge mouth". without any mechanism for excretion this little critter would never have survived, thus no humans and urban75 would never have been invented.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 31, 2017)

trabuquera said:


> Typical media sensationalism and lies  - it DID have an anus, it was just the SAME ORIFICE as the "huge mouth".



Just another way of saying it talked out of its arse


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 31, 2017)

If it was steroid rage there wouldn't be much to wave around I guess.  

Police called to reports of angry naked man 'waving his bits around' at hotel gym


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 1, 2017)

Good old reliable _NT News_ 






Check out the picture caption as well:



> Peter Rogers has been using double pluggers as mud flaps and he bloody loves them


----------



## JimW (Feb 2, 2017)

Apparently this 2001 classic is well known but it was new to me, well played subbie:
Four kestrels manoeuvre in the dark...


----------



## oryx (Feb 5, 2017)

Teen made fake baby out of bra in a bid to steal from shop



'Solihull Police Chief Inspector Jack Hadley, said: "She won't be winning any awards for her artwork, that's for sure. I guess her baby portrait could be politely described as abstract.'


----------



## oryx (Feb 6, 2017)

Man calls police to report badger at car boot sale

'The job came in from a member of the public who was concerned that a badger had been rendered into captivity, was being dragged around Rufforth car boot sale and didn't look happy.'


----------



## hash tag (Feb 7, 2017)

It takes all sorts 
*Romford man 'tried to have sex with drain cover in the street'*

Man 'tried to have sex with drain cover'


----------



## Siouxsie (Feb 7, 2017)

The poor man is obviously a victim here.
He fell over in the street and unfortunately ripped all his clothes off on one of those nasty spiked hedges, before getting his appendage wedged in the slots of the grid. When they found him he was merely trying to jiggle himself free, it just took more force than he anticipated....and now he's branded a sexual deviant, poor man, what's the world coming to


----------



## JimW (Feb 7, 2017)

Someone suggested he try it up the shit pipe but without clear instructions.


----------



## bendeus (Feb 7, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> The poor man is obviously a victim here.
> He fell over in the street and unfortunately ripped all his clothes off on one of those nasty spiked hedges, before getting his appendage wedged in the slots of the grid, when they found him he was merely trying to jiggle himself free, it just took more force than he anticipated....and now he's branded a sexual deviant, poor man, what's the world coming to


I wish I could dig out the actual article but I remember reading a newspaper story about a bloke who'd been caught butt naked in some bushes near some houses wanking himself off. At trial, rather than fessing up and preserving what remained of his dignity he confected this magnificent story that involved him going for a drive fully clothed, innocently stopping at the beach for a spontaneous skinny dip, having his clothes and car keys stolen by persons unknown, walking a mile to find help and then being attacked in the nether regions by some stinging insect, which he was busily (and innocently) trying to swat away when observed.

It was a wonderful  but fruitless attempt to evade justice, according to the article, and he was convicted of indecent exposure


----------



## Chz (Feb 8, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> The poor man is obviously a victim here.
> He fell over in the street and unfortunately ripped all his clothes off on one of those nasty spiked hedges, before getting his appendage wedged in the slots of the grid. When they found him he was merely trying to jiggle himself free, it just took more force than he anticipated....and now he's branded a sexual deviant, poor man, what's the world coming to


Fishing for his keys with a magnetic ampallang, surely?


----------



## Siouxsie (Feb 8, 2017)

Chz said:


> Fishing for his keys with a magnetic ampallang, surely?



Of course!


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 8, 2017)

'I've just seen a badger on a lead at a car boot sale and it doesn't look happy' - member of public tells police

Badgers


----------



## kabbes (Feb 10, 2017)

neonwilderness said:


> 'I've just seen a badger on a lead at a car boot sale and it doesn't look happy' - member of public tells police
> 
> Badgers


Meanwhile, 8 posts previously...


oryx said:


> Man calls police to report badger at car boot sale
> 
> 'The job came in from a member of the public who was concerned that a badger had been rendered into captivity, was being dragged around Rufforth car boot sale and didn't look happy.'


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 10, 2017)

kabbes said:


> Meanwhile, 8 posts previously...


The Northern Echo had a better headline


----------



## jakethesnake (Feb 13, 2017)

*Man angry with squatting prostitute statue plan for Plymouth bids to erect penis*


----------



## hash tag (Feb 13, 2017)

I wonder if he will need help with that


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 13, 2017)

hash tag said:


> I wonder if he will need help with that


You mean like a sort of stone-based fluffer?


----------



## bi0boy (Feb 13, 2017)

*Police: 'Dead pig on road was a badger and we persuaded it to move on'*

Police received a report of a "dead pig" blocking a Cambridgeshire road – but found the animal was in fact a “very much alive" badger and “persuaded the animal to move on”.

There have been several reports of pigs on the run and taking to the roads in an effort to flee...


----------



## Siouxsie (Feb 13, 2017)

Makes you worry when drivers mistake pigs for badgers and vice versa...they are hardly 'separated at birth' material!


----------



## Reiabuzz (Feb 13, 2017)

Fill ya boots.

The 27 most hilarious "publishing layout" failures of all time

My personal favourite


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 13, 2017)

Reiabuzz said:


> Fill ya boots.
> 
> The 27 most hilarious "publishing layout" failures of all time
> 
> My personal favourite



this was my favourite:


----------



## T & P (Feb 13, 2017)

That website has some real gems


----------



## petee (Feb 13, 2017)

T & P said:


> That website has some real gems



that's terrible


----------



## Reiabuzz (Feb 14, 2017)

petee said:


> that's terrible



I agree. Headlines should never be centred.


----------



## JimW (Feb 16, 2017)

Driving ban for Jesus after he admits being twice the legal limit in Stroud


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 16, 2017)

JimW said:


> Driving ban for Jesus after he admits being twice the legal limit in Stroud


Clearly overdid the water at lunch


----------



## Siouxsie (Feb 17, 2017)

I read that as ' Jesus admits being twice the legal limit
In his shroud'


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 18, 2017)

Mum's race against time to get son's passport ahead of skiing trip TONIGHT


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 18, 2017)

Man banned from Dixy Chicken after threatening to throw his snake at staff


----------



## existentialist (Feb 19, 2017)

neonwilderness said:


> Mum's race against time to get son's passport ahead of skiing trip TONIGHT


That is just...special.


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 19, 2017)

existentialist said:


> That is just...special.


Some of the comments are even worse


----------



## petee (Feb 20, 2017)

*Cops warn of cows trying to sell dairy products after escape*
News from The Associated Press


----------



## T & P (Feb 20, 2017)

petee said:


> *Cops warn of cows trying to sell dairy products after escape*
> News from The Associated Press


Sponsored by Cravendale?


----------



## kabbes (Feb 21, 2017)

petee said:


> *Cops warn of cows trying to sell dairy products after escape*
> News from The Associated Press


Link doesn't work.


----------



## petee (Feb 21, 2017)

kabbes said:


> Link doesn't work.


huh. did yesterday.
this did a moment ago.
Cops warn of cows trying to sell dairy products after escape


----------



## ice-is-forming (Feb 21, 2017)

No link, sorry. But "local council vote to pray for rain'

Omfg!


----------



## DotCommunist (Feb 21, 2017)

ice-is-forming said:


> No link, sorry. But "local council vote to pray for rain'
> 
> Omfg!


well it works. A bit like rain dances. Sooner or later rain will come then you can say 'look! our prayers/dance have been answered' lol


----------



## Artaxerxes (Feb 21, 2017)

> *Body of man found in Kent field may be 'disorientated Londoner' from Walthamstow*
> 
> 
> Detectives in Kent believe the body of a man found in a field may have been a "disorientated Londoner" from Walthamstow.
> ...


----------



## petee (Feb 21, 2017)

DotCommunist said:


> well it works. A bit like rain dances. Sooner or later rain will come then you can say 'look! our prayers/dance have been answered' lol


it worked a little too well in california
Pray for Rain in California | Facebook
Storm brings record rainfall, gusts up to 199 mph and flooding to Northern California


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 21, 2017)

Artaxerxes said:


> *Body of man found in Kent field may be 'disorientated Londoner' from Walthamstow*
> 
> 
> Detectives in Kent believe the body of a man found in a field may have been a "disorientated Londoner" from Walthamstow.


(((Brian Harvey)))


----------



## Siouxsie (Feb 21, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> (((Brian Harvey)))


----------



## Opera Buffa (Feb 23, 2017)




----------



## Ground Elder (Feb 23, 2017)

*Slimming food shop manager sacked for calling customer a 'fat ***t'*




> “I admit I called the guy a ***t. I admit I shouldn’t have done it.
> I shouldn’t have been sacked by text - it is unprofessional.”


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 24, 2017)

NLB...

Red squirrels: 5,000 volunteers sought to save species – and help kill invasive greys

It's more the story itself, really:



> An army of 5,000 volunteers is being sought to save the red squirrel from extinction by monitoring populations, educating children – and bludgeoning grey squirrels to death...
> 
> ...volunteers can also undertake training to trap and kill grey squirrels, which are caught in a cage-trap, put in a bag and knocked over the head. “It’s not everyone’s cup of tea...”
> 
> ...Pulling the trigger on grey squirrels was difficult if I’m honest because I’d never actually killed anything like that before,” said Bailey. “But because we’ve been culling the greys we’ve managed to get the reds back and they are still hanging on.” Despite three outbreaks of squirrelpox, Bailey now has six to eight red squirrels in her neighbourhood. “It is a winnable war but not without boots on the ground,” she added.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Feb 24, 2017)

*Bird caused Manchester Victoria station roof collapse*

Slightly exaggerated headline - apparently a bird damaged one of the plastic panels and then the panel failed sending water and possibly bird shit down onto a platform. Not exactly the wholesale collapse of the station roof. 

Bird caused Manchester Victoria station roof collapse - BBC News


----------



## Siouxsie (Feb 24, 2017)

"I shouldn’t have been sacked by text - it is unprofessional.”

What and calling a customer a fat ***t, is?


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Feb 24, 2017)

*I love the Westmorland Gazette:*

*Firefighters rescue male who got finger caught in door*

*A story about firemen with small tools. I hope that's not a stock photo.*


----------



## T & P (Feb 24, 2017)

*Man's ex-girlfriend shows up to deliver his KFC – then tells him 'f*** off' and flees with chicken*

Read more at Man's ex shows up to deliver his KFC – then tells him 'f*** off'


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 25, 2017)

T & P said:


> *Man's ex-girlfriend shows up to deliver his KFC – then tells him 'f*** off' and flees with chicken*
> 
> Read more at Man's ex shows up to deliver his KFC – then tells him 'f*** off'


It's always heartbreaking when someone NOT EVEN FROM YOUR TOWN pips you to a LPH from your own damn local rag


----------



## MrSki (Feb 25, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 25, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 25, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 25, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 25, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 25, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 25, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 25, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 25, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 25, 2017)




----------



## Voley (Feb 25, 2017)

Excellent work MrSki. ''Mayor Is Too Fat To Skydive'' is my fave, I think.


----------



## Siouxsie (Feb 25, 2017)

I'm intrigued by Dickfest


----------



## MrSki (Feb 25, 2017)

Voley said:


> Excellent work MrSki. ''Mayor Is Too Fat To Skydive'' is my fave, I think.


I think there is a weight limit of about 15 stone. The ex landlord of my old local was going to do one for charity until he found out he was too heavy.


----------



## petee (Feb 25, 2017)

MrSki said:


> I think there is a weight limit of about 15 stone.



well then.
"american urban poster too fat to skydive."


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Feb 25, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> I'm intrigued by Dickfest



It sounds like a fun day out.  

eta - boringly, it is about Charles Dickens.


----------



## Voley (Feb 25, 2017)

MrSki said:


> I think there is a weight limit of about 15 stone. The ex landlord of my old local was going to do one for charity until he found out he was too heavy.


That'd be me knackered then, too. I was going to do one last year - they didn't say anything about weight but they did want a letter from my doctor because I was over 40.


----------



## petee (Feb 25, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> It sounds like a fun day out.



firesign theater:
"it's  nice out."
"yes i think you should  leave it out.'


----------



## T & P (Feb 25, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Amusing as it is, I'm going to have to call pixels on this one. Font looks a bit shopped.


----------



## Opera Buffa (Feb 25, 2017)

Local 'Fake News' Shocker Hits Urban, more like


----------



## T & P (Feb 25, 2017)

Opera Buffa said:


> Local 'Fake News' Shocker Hits Urban, more like


Bloody Trump


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 26, 2017)

None more Bath

Waitrose recalls breaded haddock fillets because they contain BATTERED fish


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Feb 27, 2017)

Lusty burglar breaks into a sex shop, watches porn and steals a life size inflatable love doll


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 27, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 101193
> Lusty burglar breaks into a sex shop, watches porn and steals a life size inflatable love doll


Certainly sounds like the sort of thing he would do


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Feb 27, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Certainly sounds like the sort of thing he would do



It is odd to break in through the roof of a shop just to steal that.  Presumably he is now a happy burglar.  

Wonder if he had time to break into Halfords to stock up on puncture repair kits.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 27, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> It is odd to break in through the roof of a shop just to steal that.


Well, he _is _rather an odd man


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Feb 27, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Well, he _is _rather an odd man



It was you, wasn't it!


----------



## Siouxsie (Feb 27, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 101193
> Lusty burglar breaks into a sex shop, watches porn and steals a life size inflatable love doll


Why is the 'open' blurred out on the sign 
And what's wrong with her shoulders, it looks like someone has got to grips with her already


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 27, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Why is the 'open' blurred out on the sign



I imagine they took the picture from StreetView


----------



## Ponyutd (Mar 1, 2017)




----------



## moose (Mar 1, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 1, 2017)

moose said:


> View attachment 101321


Shagging in a pizza shop doesn't sound very romantic.


----------



## chandlerp (Mar 1, 2017)

fingers and toppings


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 1, 2017)

chandlerp said:


> fingers and toppings


Molten cheese as lube.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 1, 2017)

Ponyutd said:


>



Typical whining Islington ponce


----------



## Maggot (Mar 1, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Shagging in a pizza shop doesn't sound very romantic.


Gives stuffed crust a new meaning.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 1, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Shagging in a pizza shop doesn't sound very romantic.


HOLD THE PEPPERONI


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 1, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> HOLD THE PEPPERONI


Extra serving of hot sauce.


----------



## Ground Elder (Mar 1, 2017)

Hmm dough balls


----------



## Santino (Mar 1, 2017)

Of course, they all have sourdough crusts once I've finished with them.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 1, 2017)

All that tossing helps strengthen a pizza cook's wrists


----------



## Opera Buffa (Mar 1, 2017)

'Meat Feast'


----------



## hash tag (Mar 2, 2017)

This could have read pensioner stops architect from using her back door  but

Row erupts over pensioner's plan for barricade around £3.6m home


----------



## 8den (Mar 2, 2017)

Not a local newspaper but the NYT misspelt "Cork" as "Quark" the other day. 

There's a joke here about "Schrodinger's Craic" but I can't make it work.

The New York Times issue apology after spelling Cork completely wrong | Her.ie


----------



## JimW (Mar 6, 2017)




----------



## 1927 (Mar 6, 2017)

'I’ve just witnessed a cyclist f**king someone in the trees': Cyclist spotted fornicating at Putney Commondale

Quite what the relevance was of it being a cyclist I don't know, but makes for more lolz!


----------



## existentialist (Mar 6, 2017)

Bloody sodding hell.

Pembroke Dock makes top five most desirable places to live in Wales

Doesn't say a lot for the rest of Wales...


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 6, 2017)

1927 said:


> 'I’ve just witnessed a cyclist f**king someone in the trees': Cyclist spotted fornicating at Putney Commondale
> Quite what the relevance was of it being a cyclist I don't know, but makes for more lolz!


In the following tweet Sian said it was “so funny” because she and the male cyclist made *eye* contact as the bus went by!

Which eye


----------



## 1927 (Mar 6, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> In the following tweet Sian said it was “so funny” because she and the male cyclist made *eye* contact as the bus went by!
> 
> Which eye


That was wrong, the journey clearly didn't understand the tweet, it was guy on bus she made contact with!


----------



## 1927 (Mar 6, 2017)

existentialist said:


> Bloody sodding hell.
> 
> Pembroke Dock makes top five most desirable places to live in Wales
> 
> Doesn't say a lot for the rest of Wales...


Pembroke dock is a shit hole of immeasurable proportions!


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 6, 2017)

1927 said:


> That was wrong, the journey clearly didn't understand the tweet, it was guy on bus she made contact with!


I did wonder how close he must have been to the road....or if the woman on the bus was using binoculars!


----------



## hash tag (Mar 6, 2017)

Fucking cyclists 

'I’ve just witnessed a cyclist f**king someone in the trees': Cyclist spotted fornicating at Putney Commondale


----------



## dessiato (Mar 6, 2017)

1927 said:


> 'I’ve just witnessed a cyclist f**king someone in the trees': Cyclist spotted fornicating at Putney Commondale
> 
> Quite what the relevance was of it being a cyclist I don't know, but makes for more lolz!


It proves what others have always said. Cyclists are a law unto themselves. They refuse to obey the rules of appropriate behaviour, and not just with red traffic lights. Although I suspect that they might have been obeying a different red light.


----------



## dessiato (Mar 6, 2017)

hash tag said:


> Fucking cyclists
> 
> 'I’ve just witnessed a cyclist f**king someone in the trees': Cyclist spotted fornicating at Putney Commondale



Snap! (previous page)


----------



## existentialist (Mar 6, 2017)

1927 said:


> Pembroke dock is a shit hole of immeasurable proportions!


Yep. It doesn't have the ground-in shitness of, say, Llanelli, or bits of Merthyr Tydfil, but it's a forsaken place. Half the shops are closed, many of the remainder are charity shops or some other kind of short let bit of temporariness, and the rest are the Shops The 70s Forgot. It's so deserted, even the tumbleweed's given up and gone home. It's a shame, because architecturally, it's got some rather interesting bits, but it's run-down, discouraged, and going nowhere fast.

Although I'm in Pembroke, 2 miles up the road, and not quite as desolate, I must admit that I'd quite like to live somewhere without the sense of hopeless futility that "the Dock" sends out in waves.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 7, 2017)

1927 said:


> That was wrong, the journey clearly didn't understand the tweet, it was guy on bus she made contact with!


Perhaps Grainne Cuffe* reads this thread, because it's now been updated to 



> In the following tweet Sian said it was “so funny” because she made eye contact with another person on the bus who also witnessed it as the bus went by.



*Clearly a _BrassEye_ alumna


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 7, 2017)

You never know who's watching


----------



## petee (Mar 8, 2017)

St. Louis Post-Dispatch, February 22, 1904


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 8, 2017)

Naked man takes a dip in city centre canal

Mainly for stupidity:



> The man was described as white, about 6ft tall and soaking wet.



Not entirely surprising given he'd just been swimming.


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 8, 2017)

*Witnesses said the man appeared to be “very drunk”.*

That'll be the chemicals and sewage from swallowing the canal water 

Is there any close up cctv footage of the said gentleman....just out of curiosity, you understand


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 8, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> *Witnesses said the man appeared to be “very drunk”.*
> 
> That'll be the chemicals and sewage from swallowing the canal water
> 
> Is there any close up cctv footage of the said gentleman....just out of curiosity, you understand



I wouldn't want to risk a dip in a city centre canal anywhere - the local rag always run stories when they drain them for maintenance, as is happening now.

These pictures of the Rochdale Canal run between Minshull Street Crown Court and down through the Gay Village.  Bound to be filled with more shit given the pubs in the area, so Castlefield might, just, be cleaner.

This is what was left behind as another city centre canal is drained

I'm not aware of any close-up images of the swimming gent, but I'm sure you can find similar on google if you so wish...


----------



## Chz (Mar 8, 2017)

Those pictures really aren't that bad. I'd have expected much worse.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 8, 2017)

Chz said:


> Those pictures really aren't that bad. I'd have expected much worse.



There have been bodies and all sorts in the canals over the years.  There is the story of The Pusher, an alleged serial killer prowling the streets of the city. 

Fact or fiction? Ten things we learned about 'The Pusher'

There does seem to have been an unusually large number of deaths in waterways in Gtr Manchester so who knows.

Manchester does have an unfortunate track record when it comes to serial killers, mind...


----------



## Orang Utan (Mar 8, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> There have been bodies and all sorts in the canals over the years.  There is the story of The Pusher, an alleged serial killer prowling the streets of the city.
> 
> Fact or fiction? Ten things we learned about 'The Pusher'
> 
> ...


Oh aye, didn't Harold Shipman do most of his work in Greater Manchester? And he's Britain's worst serial killer (though surely he's actually the best?)


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 9, 2017)

Orang Utan said:


> Oh aye, didn't Harold Shipman do most of his work in Greater Manchester? And he's Britain's worst serial killer (though surely he's actually the best?)



Yes, over in Denton/Hyde area.  East Manchester seems to be the risky area - Moor Murders round that side too.


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 9, 2017)

Our old dog used to love running wild in open places, she'd literally run for miles, fields, beaches, farmland, up mountains....we took her onto Saddleworth moor a couple of times...nothing, she sat shaking on the spot and refused to move....second time she wouldn't even get out of the car.
It was so bizarre. How do animals sense these things.
Shame, it's such a beautiful place with a heinous history.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 9, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Our old dog used to love running wild in open places, she'd literally run for miles, fields, beaches, farmland, up mountains....we took her onto Saddleworth moor a couple of times...nothing, she sat shaking on the spot and refused to move....second time she wouldn't even get out of the car.
> It was so bizarre. How do animals sense these things.
> Shame, it's such a beautiful place with a heinous history.


She might have detected a buried body in the vicinity. There are probably a number buried up there beyond Keith Bennett that we know about.


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 9, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> She might have detected a buried body in the vicinity. There are probably a number buried up there beyond Keith Bennett that we know about.


It was distressing to watch her 

There is an eeriness about the place, so quiet, yet so beautiful.


----------



## skyscraper101 (Mar 9, 2017)

That's freaky stuff. Dogs seem to be able to sense death more acutely than humans. e.g. those cancer sniffing dogs.


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 9, 2017)

skyscraper101 said:


> That's freaky stuff. Dogs seem to be able to sense death more acutely than humans. e.g. those cancer sniffing dogs.



"Dr Claire Guest, co-founder of Medical Detection Dogs, realised she had breast cancer after her dog, Daisy, began nudging an area of her chest which felt bruised.
Tests later revealed she had two tumours.
Other owners have reported behaviour changes in pets prior to being diagnosed with cancer"

That's amazing!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 9, 2017)

skyscraper101 said:


> That's freaky stuff. Dogs seem to be able to sense death more acutely than humans. e.g. those cancer sniffing dogs.


They're not sensing death as such, more metabolites from disease due their excellent sense of smell.


----------



## T & P (Mar 9, 2017)

Then there is the famous Oscar the Cat, who has sucessfully predicted around 100 deaths in the nursing home where he lives- often more accurately than the doctors themselves.

Can Oscar the cat predict people's deaths?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 9, 2017)

T & P said:


> Then there is the famous Oscar the Cat, who has sucessfully predicted around 100 deaths in the nursing home where he lives- often more accurately than the doctors themselves.
> 
> Can Oscar the cat predict people's deaths?



The cat probably poisoned the poor old dears, or clawed them to death in their sleep.  It's suspiciously coincidental that the cat 'predicted' so many deaths.


----------



## Voley (Mar 9, 2017)

T & P said:


> Then there is the famous Oscar the Cat, who has sucessfully predicted around 100 deaths in the nursing home where he lives- often more accurately than the doctors themselves.
> 
> Can Oscar the cat predict people's deaths?


Stephen King had a cat called Azzie that did that in 'Doctor Sleep,' the sequel to The Shining. I didn't know it was a real thing but Azzie was based on Oscar according to Google.


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 10, 2017)

_"Oscar also offers much-needed comfort to the terminally ill residents who would have otherwise died alone"
_
There's nothing wrong with poor old people. They are sitting in bed feeling all chipper, they see him with his ' kiss of death'  reputation  wandering in, think "bloody Hell my times up" and are literally frightened to death!
The cat is a Jonah.

Or, the staff send him into the 'bolshie' patients rooms so the bed is covered in cat hair, then they inject them with ' the stuff' ....... patients dead, Oscar gets the blame for doing his 'Septic Peg' ......Jobs a good 'un


----------



## bi0boy (Mar 11, 2017)

I like this for it's very tenuous localness.

*£3.5bn ‘UK Disneyland’ set to open less than 90 minutes from Cambridge*

"The £3.5 billion Paramount theme park, branded the UK's version of Disneyland, will be built less than a 90 minute drive away from Cambridge down the M11 and M25 in Dartford, Kent"


----------



## kabbes (Mar 11, 2017)

90 minutes at 3am


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 11, 2017)

90 minutes flying time


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 11, 2017)

bi0boy said:


> I like this for it's very tenuous localness.
> 
> *£3.5bn ‘UK Disneyland’ set to open less than 90 minutes from Cambridge*
> 
> "The £3.5 billion Paramount theme park, branded the UK's version of Disneyland, will be built less than a 90 minute drive away from Cambridge down the M11 and M25 in Dartford, Kent"



At first glance, the price tag made me think they'd flogged Parliament to Disney, rather than spend shit loads of taxpayers money propping it up.


----------



## chandlerp (Mar 13, 2017)

When they build these things and tell you it's only 90-minute drive from some random location do they think only people from there are interested in how far away it is?  Just say where the fucking thing is and people can work out for themselves how fucking long it will take them to get there.


----------



## Santino (Mar 13, 2017)

Starfleet Command, you say?


----------



## Ground Elder (Mar 14, 2017)

*Police hunt 6ft naked man with "prominent cheeks" seen near underpass*



> thick wavy hair and prominent cheeks


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 15, 2017)

Was he bending over


----------



## hash tag (Mar 15, 2017)

Thick wavy hair and prominent cheeks


----------



## hash tag (Mar 15, 2017)

There are a few headlines along these lines Couples Beware - Could Your Sex Toys Be Spying On You?

*Couples Beware – Could Your Sex Toys Be Spying On You?*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 15, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> *Police hunt 6ft naked man with "prominent cheeks" seen near underpass*



I would have said...







...but he's only about 5'10"


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 16, 2017)

A titanium ring stuck around a Dublin man's penis was removed using an angle grinder


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 16, 2017)

Thief steals 2,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs from petrol station

Bet he feels extremely sick now.


----------



## hash tag (Mar 16, 2017)

Whereas Kraft stole cadburys of the brand and the staff, their jobs, the bastards.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 16, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> A titanium ring stuck around a Dublin man's penis was removed using an angle grinder



I see they've thoughtfully provided a link to the medical journal complete with photo of purple genitals.  



> The IMJ paper on the incident reports that after the man was sedated with a mix of a 100mg of Ketamine, 50 mcg of Fentanyl and 150mg of Propofol, Fire Brigade personnel cut the device in two with the handheld angle grinder.



I bet he needed all that when faced with an angle grinder...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 16, 2017)

hash tag said:


> Whereas Kraft stole cadburys of the brand and the staff, their jobs, the bastards.



But cream eggs are a crime against humanity.


----------



## hash tag (Mar 16, 2017)

Making creme eggs a good fit for Kraft.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 16, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Thief steals 2,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs from petrol station
> 
> Bet he feels extremely sick now.


No man can eat fifty eggs


----------



## MrSki (Mar 17, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Mar 17, 2017)




----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 17, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


 what or who on earth are the wiggles!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 17, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> what or who on earth are the wiggles!


They're a band aimed at toddlers - like Butlins Red Coats spliced with _Home & Away_ bit part actors.


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 17, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> They're a band aimed at toddlers - like Butlins Red Coats spliced with _Home & Away_ bit part actors.


Thank you for that 
I was concerned it was something to do with the dildo


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 17, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Thank you for that
> I was concerned it was something to do with the dildo


I'm sure that lawyers for those multi-millionaire popular children's entertainers The Wiggles would very much like it if we emphasised just how much their clients have absolutely nothing to do with dildos, flying or otherwise


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 17, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> I'm sure that lawyers for those multi-millionaire popular children's entertainers The Wiggles would very much like it if we emphasised just how much their clients have absolutely nothing to do with dildos, flying or otherwise


I don't know why, but it reminds me of Brain Potter and his 'love length'


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 17, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> A titanium ring stuck around a Dublin man's penis was removed using an angle grinder


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 21, 2017)

An unusually strongly-worded headline...



Where are the pervert capitals of Greater Manchester?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 22, 2017)

Go Walsall!

Shoplifters looted £1,000 in a single day from Walsall Wilko « Express & Star


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 22, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> An unusually strongly-worded headline...
> 
> View attachment 102654
> 
> Where are the pervert capitals of Greater Manchester?



_"Exposure is when someone exposes their genitals with the intention that someone will see them, in order to cause alarm or distress, while voyeurism involves someone observing or recording a person doing a private act without their consent"
_
Always good to clarify these things


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 22, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Go Walsall!
> 
> Shoplifters looted £1,000 in a single day from Walsall Wilko « Express & Star



_“We met with the town centre partnership who are suffering tremendously with people who have decided they are not going to work for what they get and instead they are going to go around and rob stores."
_
Shocking!


----------



## NoXion (Mar 22, 2017)

Fuck Wilko, they sell utter shite anyway.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 22, 2017)

WRONG THREAD


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Mar 22, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Latest from Beeb is that one woman confirmed dead:




Wrong thread?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 22, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Wrong thread?


Yes! I wondered where it had gone


----------



## dessiato (Mar 28, 2017)

I have no comment

*Man arrested in Madrid for ejaculating onto a police officer*

Man arrested in Madrid for ejaculating onto a police officer


----------



## dessiato (Mar 28, 2017)

dessiato said:


> I have no comment
> 
> *Man arrested in Madrid for ejaculating onto a police officer*
> 
> Man arrested in Madrid for ejaculating onto a police officer


I wonder if he was asked to come quietly as he was handcuffed.


----------



## Hocus Eye. (Mar 28, 2017)

Ouch!


----------



## moody (Mar 28, 2017)

there I was thinking nothing exciting ever goes on here and then............... pow!

*"Man who grabbed horse's penis and swung it round in front of teenagers on Jesus Green avoids jail"*

How a man's horsing around landed him with a court conviction


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 28, 2017)

dessiato said:


> I have no comment
> 
> *Man arrested in Madrid for ejaculating onto a police officer*
> 
> Man arrested in Madrid for ejaculating onto a police officer


Without bothering to read any of the actual (no doubt grim and unpleasant) details, I like to think that this would be a perfect made-up story attempted by Noddy Holder's PR in a desperate attempt to induce some non-Christmas headlines for their client:

*CUM ON FILTH,
THEN ANNOYS
SLADE FRONT MAN*
_*COPS CUSTODY OVER*_
*CUSTARDY COP*


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 28, 2017)

_"The incident occurred in the early hours of Monday (March 27) on Calle de La Cruz, when a 31-year-old man was *spotted pleasuring himself* outside a bar!_

Always sounds nicer than 'knocking one out'


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 28, 2017)

moody said:


> *"Man who grabbed horse's penis and swung it round in front of teenagers on Jesus Green avoids jail"*



I thought he'd swung the horse round by it's penis...bloody hell, you wouldn't want to pick a fight with him...obviously steroided up...then the penny dropped  

When interviewed by police about the incident, Cuff said "his son had noticed his horse’s penis was in need of a clean and had put some baby oil on it and rubbed it to get the dirt off."


----------



## T & P (Mar 28, 2017)

Calle de la Cruz used to be a prostitution hotspot. I don't know if it still is. Perhaps the man was admiring the sex workers, or had gone there hoping to buy himself some sexy time but realised he didn't have enough money and had to take care of matters himself.


----------



## moody (Mar 28, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> I thought he'd swung the horse round by it's penis...bloody hell, you wouldn't want to pick a fight with him...obviously steroided up...then the penny dropped
> 
> When interviewed by police about the incident, Cuff said "his son had noticed his horse’s penis was in need of a clean and had put some baby oil on it and rubbed it to get the dirt off."




that old chestnut eh?


----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 28, 2017)

Horse chestnut


----------



## moody (Mar 28, 2017)

lolz


----------



## hash tag (Mar 29, 2017)

It could only be from the North (London)

Florist ridiculed for selling STICKS for £18 next to a public park full of trees


----------



## chandlerp (Mar 29, 2017)

The accompanying picture with that ejaculating on the police story is brilliant


----------



## Captain Christy (Mar 29, 2017)

dessiato said:


> I have no comment
> 
> *Man arrested in Madrid for ejaculating onto a police officer*
> 
> Man arrested in Madrid for ejaculating onto a police officer


A lot of questions.
Did he put out his hands to break his fall or use another part of his body?

Why did he fall? Was the ground wet?
Reminds me of the one about a man and woman in the nightclub.
"Do you come here often" said the woman
" Oh every Saturday night" said the man
" That explains why the floor is so sticky" says she


----------



## hash tag (Mar 29, 2017)

Frankly, this stinks 



*Police investigating after 'human waste' found in empty Coke cans*

The cans were empty; someone dranks the contents first 
Searching this story there was another which mentioned coke and stools
some which mentioned coke having an Irish twist
some which mentioned coke laying off staff a few days earlier...............
People complain about these drinks having too much sugar

Ah well, shit happens as I often say


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Mar 29, 2017)

Fucking hell sometime I think I live in an alternate reality  

Did Lady Penelope and Parker break Marlow Bridge restrictions in TV advert?


----------



## hash tag (Mar 29, 2017)

Thats F A B. The original was much better than this cheap imitation


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Mar 30, 2017)

*Their American dream – an Indian restaurant inside a Nebraska truck stop – attracts diners from all over*



> OVERTON, Neb. — There’s a burly, red-bearded man parked in one of the two-person booths at this central Nebraska hole in the wall.
> 
> He quietly orders a plate of chicken tikka korma, a Budweiser — and a pen, please, for the newspaper crossword puzzle folded on the petite table in front of him, its edge pressed against his plaid-covered barrel chest.
> 
> ...



Their American dream – an Indian restaurant inside a Nebraska truck stop – attracts diners from all over


----------



## hash tag (Mar 30, 2017)

"Big hunks of ginger"  I think they mean the spice, but ginger! 

The house specialty is chole bhature: a bowl of chana masala — a saucy chickpea dish with big hunks of fresh-chopped ginger —


----------



## Johnny Canuck3 (Mar 30, 2017)

/


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Mar 30, 2017)

hash tag said:


> "Big hunks of ginger"  I think they mean the spice, but ginger!
> 
> The house specialty is chole bhature: a bowl of chana masala — a saucy chickpea dish with big hunks of fresh-chopped ginger —



Don't worry, they're organic and free range.


----------



## petee (Mar 30, 2017)

*Trucker drives non-stop across US coast to coast with the help of crystal meth, LSD and cocaine*
*Driver arrested after throwing credit cards in fuel tank and climbing on truck at end of the 47-hour drive.*

Trucker drives non-stop across US coast to coast with the help of crystal meth, LSD and cocaine


----------



## 8den (Mar 31, 2017)




----------



## Siouxsie (Mar 31, 2017)

He may have been on drugs, whilst drumming


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 4, 2017)

Pool ball bum man is back

New offence by man who tried to shove pool balls up his bottom


----------



## Libertad (Apr 4, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Pool ball bum man is back
> 
> New offence by man who tried to shove pool balls up his bottom



Not a patch on Sticky Vicky though.


----------



## spliff (Apr 4, 2017)

This is not local news, this is national news.
*Boy, 9, found hiding under bed after three-hour search*
For fucks sake, where does 'NEWS' begin _?? _


----------



## dessiato (Apr 5, 2017)

*Emotional Gibraltarians involved in row with Spaniards on Easyjet flight*


Emotional Gibraltarians involved in row with Spaniards on Easyjet flight

I love this part of the report "According to the Sussex Police “Officers boarded when the plane landed at Gatwick at 1.30pm. Two people were taken from the flight and given words of advice about their behaviour.”"


----------



## BassJunkie (Apr 5, 2017)

hash tag said:


> It could only be from the North (London)
> 
> Florist ridiculed for selling STICKS for £18 next to a public park full of trees



"so they can be attacked to a wall"


----------



## hash tag (Apr 5, 2017)

Stuck in a vase?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 6, 2017)

_Not local _caveats apply, etc:

Eating Competitions Killed Two People This Past Weekend


----------



## bi0boy (Apr 7, 2017)

Man pisses in pub toilet


----------



## Opera Buffa (Apr 8, 2017)

Shin-kicking contest cancelled due to health and safety concerns


----------



## hegley (Apr 9, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 9, 2017)

hegley said:


>




OI!

https://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/local-paper-headlines.282278/page-40#post-14335892


----------



## hegley (Apr 9, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> OI!
> 
> https://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/local-paper-headlines.282278/page-40#post-14335892


 I did go back a few pages, but not that far! ... and mine has a pretty illustration.


----------



## 1927 (Apr 9, 2017)

hegley said:


> I did go back a few pages, but not that far! ... and mine has a pretty illustration.


In the basis that the story was dated January 2016 might it not have been a good idea?


----------



## 1927 (Apr 9, 2017)

Internet friends meet after 7 years! wtf.

Best online friends meet for first time - BBC News


----------



## Ground Elder (Apr 10, 2017)

*Driver finds massive sex toy dumped in middle of Doncaster road on way to Sunday lunch*



> We reversed back over it for the photo - but we had to tell the kids it was a bike handle


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 10, 2017)

Long-standing business unveils exciting plans for new leisure facility

(...it's a brush museum  )


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 10, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> *Driver finds massive sex toy dumped in middle of Doncaster road on way to Sunday lunch*


I hope they gave their car tyres a good wash afterwards - god knows where the sex toy has been.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 12, 2017)

Oh dear, how stupid can people be...  

 

What is this strange corkscrew-shaped 'cloud' hovering above Ikea?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 12, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Oh dear, how stupid can people be...
> 
> View attachment 104235
> 
> What is this strange corkscrew-shaped 'cloud' hovering above Ikea?


*HEADLINE IN
'ANSWERS OWN
QUESTION' SCANDAL
FURY SHOCKER*


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 12, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> *HEADLINE IN
> 'ANSWERS OWN
> QUESTION' SCANDAL
> FURY SHOCKER*



*MANCHESTER DENIZENS TOO STUPID TO RECOGNISE CONTRAILS SHOCKER!*


----------



## Artaxerxes (Apr 12, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Oh dear, how stupid can people be...
> 
> View attachment 104235
> 
> What is this strange corkscrew-shaped 'cloud' hovering above Ikea?




It's a spliff Jim.


----------



## pesh (Apr 15, 2017)

> *EASTER EGG HUNT TURNS TO CHAOS WHEN MAN MISTAKES DOG POO BAG FOR CHOCOLATE.*


Easter Egg hunt turns to chaos when man mistakes dog poo bag for chocolate.


----------



## hash tag (Apr 16, 2017)

What is it about Mississippi?

Jackson husband & wife shocked after DNA test reveals they are biological twins

Florida man caught having sex with horse at Mississippi ranch claims 'it seduced him'


----------



## hash tag (Apr 16, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> *Driver finds massive sex toy dumped in middle of Doncaster road on way to Sunday lunch*



It wasn't dumped, it just fell out


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 16, 2017)

hash tag said:


> What is it about Mississippi?
> 
> Jackson husband & wife shocked after DNA test reveals they are biological twins
> 
> Florida man caught having sex with horse at Mississippi ranch claims 'it seduced him'



Fake news, the Mississippi Herald doesn't exist.

Viral story about 'couple who found out they were twins' appears to be fake


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 16, 2017)

Nassau County man, high on meth, 'cuts off genitals and feeds them to alligator' 

There is a lot of oddness going on in that part of the world.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 16, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Nassau County man, high on meth, 'cuts off genitals and feeds them to alligator'
> 
> There is a lot of oddness going on in that part of the world.



I call fake again, floridasunpost.com doesn't list who they are owned by, and the 'report' is dated 14/4/17, yet it appeared on Man High On Meth Cuts Off Penis And Feeds It To Alligator on 27/9/16.


----------



## kabbes (Apr 16, 2017)

pesh said:


> Easter Egg hunt turns to chaos when man mistakes dog poo bag for chocolate.


Joke website. Look at its other stories.

Perfunctory checks, people.  It's all I ask here.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 17, 2017)

kabbes said:


> Joke website. Look at its other stories.
> 
> Perfunctory checks, people.  It's all I ask here.


Yes, dad.


----------



## bubblesmcgrath (Apr 17, 2017)

pesh said:


> Easter Egg hunt turns to chaos when man mistakes dog poo bag for chocolate.



That......is hilarious


----------



## OzT (Apr 18, 2017)

hash tag said:


> It wasn't dumped, it just fell out


 
slack . . . . .


----------



## 1927 (Apr 18, 2017)

pesh said:


> Easter Egg hunt turns to chaos when man mistakes dog poo bag for chocolate.


In a not so similar vein, I turned up at my local pub on Friday and it was crawling with police carrying out a search of pub and grounds looking for a weapon that had been used in a crime the previous evening by one of the regulars. Every so often there was a buzz of excitement from the searchers, they all gathered round to see what their colleague had discovered only to find it was one of 100 Easter eggs that had been hidden that morning for the egg hunt in afternoon!


----------



## bimble (Apr 20, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 20, 2017)

bimble said:


> View attachment 104770



Makes me wonder how big the rocket would need to be to launch a herd of elephants to Mars.


----------



## hash tag (Apr 20, 2017)

Does that mean I can't go to Mars


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Apr 20, 2017)

hash tag said:


> Does that mean I can't go to Mars



No reason why not, although if you're an elephant who has somehow mastered the art of using a computer, you might want to speak to NASA about whether they have a suitable rocket for you.


----------



## iona (Apr 20, 2017)

Alastair Reynolds' _Poseidon's Children_ trilogy features elephants in space, in case anyone feels the need to do further reading on this subject 

This was big news round my mum's way last week - A herd of cows is causing severe train delays in Kent


----------



## chandlerp (Apr 20, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Makes me wonder how big the rocket would need to be to launch a herd of elephants to Mars.



Just pack them in the trunk


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 20, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> No reason why not, although if you're an elephant who has somehow mastered the art of using a computer, you might want to speak to NASA about whether they have a suitable rocket for you.



With skin that leathery he wants to see his pachydermatologist


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 20, 2017)

chandlerp said:


> Just pack them in the trunk


TSK


----------



## Pickman's model (Apr 20, 2017)

hackney gazette


----------



## hash tag (Apr 20, 2017)

A gold Volvo in Hackney; was that to "melt in" to all the other cars in the area to help evade detection?


----------



## MrSki (Apr 26, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Apr 26, 2017)




----------



## Casual Observer (Apr 26, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Apr 26, 2017)




----------



## Siouxsie (Apr 26, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Adam Farrah 33 of JACKsdale....am I the only one who finds that funny!


----------



## MrSki (Apr 26, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Apr 26, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Adam Farrah 33 of JACKsdale....am I the only one who finds that funny!



No.


----------



## MrSki (Apr 26, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 26, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Anyone checked out Onket's alibi?


----------



## JimW (Apr 26, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Heard the bloke really layered into him.


----------



## rekil (Apr 26, 2017)

Oldcastle auction to see rare eight-and-a-half inch carved ivory penis go under the hammer

Hollywood actor John Cusack's link to Nobber revealed


----------



## phillm (Apr 26, 2017)

*The Daily Zilch 

NOTHING
HAPPENENED.....
AGAIN*

*(in other pages - nothing)

Page Zero*


----------



## Ground Elder (Apr 26, 2017)




----------



## Voley (Apr 26, 2017)

Now that is some quality journalistic research right there.


----------



## JimW (Apr 26, 2017)

copliker said:


> Oldcastle auction to see rare eight-and-a-half inch carved ivory penis go under the hammer...


"Interest is rising"


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 26, 2017)

copliker said:


> Hollywood actor John Cusack's link to Nobber revealed



Genuine local paper banter too:



> During the interview, they got to the topic of Cusack’s family history. “He was told his whole life by his mother that her family was from Galway and his father’s family was from Meath. Our report showed it was the other way round”.
> 
> “I have always been told the reverse, the Cusacks were from Meath and the Carolans were from Galway,” Cusack replied.


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Apr 26, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



And from this evening's edition of Barrow's finest...

*Dead rat shocks shoppers in Barrow town centre*
VISITORS to Barrow town centre are having to walk past a dead rat in Dalton Road.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 26, 2017)

Nine Bob Note said:


> And from this evening's edition of Barrow's finest...
> 
> *Dead rat shocks shoppers in Barrow town centre*
> VISITORS to Barrow town centre are having to walk past a dead rat in Dalton Road.


I call bullshit - no way shoppers in Barrow town centre so much as blinked at a dead rat.


----------



## hash tag (Apr 27, 2017)

*Lembit Opik to be dad at 52 with much younger girlfriend - despite impaling accident

I didn't mean it, it was an accident 
*
Lembit Opik to become a dad despite fears impaling accident left him sterile


----------



## Opera Buffa (Apr 29, 2017)




----------



## Libertad (Apr 30, 2017)

Opera Buffa said:


>



Mister Loverman.


----------



## 1927 (Apr 30, 2017)

hash tag said:


> *Lembit Opik to be dad at 52 with much younger girlfriend - despite impaling accident
> 
> I didn't mean it, it was an accident
> *
> Lembit Opik to become a dad despite fears impaling accident left him sterile


On the basis he has got 2 previous women pregnant how could he think he might be sterile?


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 4, 2017)

Good bit of local rolling news:

Bristol Live: Reports of armed robbery at Greggs

(That Greggs is next door to the Wetherspoons made moderately famous in 2013 by an EDL punch up)


----------



## rekil (May 4, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Good bit of local rolling news:
> 
> Bristol Live: Reports of armed robbery at Greggs
> 
> (That Greggs is next door to the Wetherspoons made moderately famous in 2013 by an EDL punch up)


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 4, 2017)

copliker said:


> View attachment 105901


I've heard that the police are fitting up a blameless bystander for this - yet another innocent pasty taking the fall.


----------



## Santino (May 4, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> I've heard that the police are fitting up a blameless bystander for this - yet another innocent pasty taking the blame.


Apparently had some previous beef with the police.


----------



## Opera Buffa (May 4, 2017)

Lattice not make light of this serious situation


----------



## DotCommunist (May 4, 2017)

I bet they were drawing lots to see who gets to attend that one. All the steak slices you can eat officer.


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 4, 2017)

DotCommunist said:


> I bet they were drawing lots to see who gets to attend that one. All the steak slices you can eat officer.


Manager: Thanks for responding so quickly officer, but do you really need to take all 148 yum-yums back to the station?
Copper: I'm sorry sir, those two yum-yums are evidence and need to be dusted for prints.


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 4, 2017)

JimW said:


> Heard the bloke really layered into him.


Made proper mincemeat of him


----------



## MrSki (May 5, 2017)

*Hot cross bun with explicit message found at Sheerness Tesco in Bridge Road*


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 5, 2017)

MrSki said:


> *Hot cross bun with explicit message found at Sheerness Tesco in Bridge Road*





> One of our colleagues was a little too creative in the bakery on their last day in store.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 5, 2017)

A proper knee-trembler.   

Man told police he thought illegal stun gun was a 'sex toy'


----------



## Maggot (May 5, 2017)




----------



## rekil (May 6, 2017)

'Grass is so long we can't open our car doors', say angry Hull residents



Me in 20 years time, struggling to find new ways to fill the void until the sweet release of nuclear apocalypse.


----------



## dessiato (May 6, 2017)

copliker said:


> 'Grass is so long we can't open our car doors', say angry Hull residents
> 
> View attachment 106090
> 
> Me in 20 years time, struggling to find new ways to fill the void until the sweet release of nuclear apocalypse.


I liked this ""We have got a situation where it is warm and it has been moist, and the grass will grow for fun."


----------



## MrSki (May 7, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 7, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 7, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 7, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (May 7, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 7, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Makes a change - normally it's the Vandals that get all the bad press


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 7, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Hopefully they wrapped it all up with a party


----------



## Enviro (May 8, 2017)

*Brexit fears unfounded as 1,000 richest get richer*


----------



## kabbes (May 8, 2017)

Enviro said:


> *Brexit fears unfounded as 1,000 richest get richer*


Certainly, my fear about Brexit was that the 1000 richest might not get richer.  Such a relief to find it isn't the case.


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 8, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 106005
> A proper knee-trembler.
> 
> Man told police he thought illegal stun gun was a 'sex toy'


AssPounder 4000?


----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## kabbes (May 8, 2017)

Mr Ski, you're really taking this thread *ahem* _downhill._


----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## kabbes (May 8, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


I've seen that hat one before.  It's not real -- it's an April Fool joke.

How our April Fool swept the globe


----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (May 8, 2017)




----------



## peterkro (May 8, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


George Bernard Shaw in exploding shed drama


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 8, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



Replace shed with head, and I would buy the rag.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (May 9, 2017)

Mum shares horror footage of maggot infested toy doll

Good to give children pets to teach them about biology.


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 10, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


In similar not-really-news...

Recruitment consultant from Nailsea sold cocaine to mates to fund his own drug habit


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 10, 2017)

peterkro said:


> George Bernard Shaw in exploding shed drama



If it had been Oscar Wilde's shed it would have been so much better...

*A HAND GRENADE?!?!*


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 10, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> If it had been Oscar Wilde's shed it would have been so much better...
> 
> *A HAND GRENADE?!?!*


Caveat:

I am not suggesting anyone lob an explosive device into an historic garden shack for the sake of a cheap headline


----------



## May Kasahara (May 10, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



I've felt that panic tbf.


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 10, 2017)

MrSki said:


>





May Kasahara said:


> I've felt that panic tbf.



I had similar last night. Making dinner, breaded chicken in brioche roll. Did everyone else's fine. Forgot my own brioche, left it in the toaster till it ended up incinerated.


----------



## Santino (May 10, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Shit pixels.


----------



## Siouxsie (May 10, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


I think this is him!


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 10, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


He beat them so bad that by the end there nothing but a ground-up hog


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 10, 2017)

Aldi now selling gin & tonic and prosecco ice lollies in Croydon


----------



## Nine Bob Note (May 11, 2017)

'Sex' toilets at layby on one of busiest roads in Cumbria closed by Highways England
A PUBLIC toilet block has been permanently closed to the public - after highways bosses were unable to stop its unsavoury goings on.


----------



## Orang Utan (May 12, 2017)

Does DotCommunist know something about this? 
People are sticking up fake newspaper headlines in Kettering and it's bloody great


----------



## Siouxsie (May 12, 2017)

Nine Bob Note said:


> 'Sex' toilets at layby on one of busiest roads in Cumbria closed by Highways England
> A PUBLIC toilet block has been permanently closed to the public - after highways bosses were unable to stop its unsavoury goings on.


Unsavoury goings on along the A69....how apt....I've passed there many a time, never seen anything dodgy going on...saying that though, I'm usually dying for a wee. Elvis could be getting a knee trembler from the local tramp and I'd be totally oblivious!

The word unsavoury makes me laugh, it brings out the juvenile in me


----------



## DotCommunist (May 12, 2017)

Orang Utan said:


> Does DotCommunist know something about this?
> People are sticking up fake newspaper headlines in Kettering and it's bloody great


I wish I did


----------



## hash tag (May 12, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



It wouldn't have surprised me if that had referred to somewhere on the A3, possibly Wisley or the Hogs Back, near Godalming, but people in Audi's don't hang around long enough to get up to that sort of thing


----------



## hash tag (May 17, 2017)

Not a funny story, but I see the Leeds police are hunting for a giant penis. Well, each to their own.

Police seek man dressed as 'giant penis' after Leeds attack


----------



## scifisam (May 18, 2017)




----------



## pesh (May 19, 2017)




----------



## hash tag (May 19, 2017)

Those are the dogs of a gay man. The Catholic Church does not like gay men, hence the masks.


----------



## Orang Utan (May 19, 2017)

hash tag said:


> Those are the dogs of a gay man. The Catholic Church does not like gay men, hence the masks.


it's the unfunny comedy duo, the Rubberbandits
 and wtf? dogs of a gay man? are you a time traveller from the 80s?


----------



## scifisam (May 19, 2017)

I think they're the dogs from the headline I posted and the flouty sex attacker has found a friend.


----------



## Orang Utan (May 19, 2017)

It's just a photo from a different story, like a lot of these incongruous/funny headline/photo juxtapositions - the photo is from a story about the Rubberbandits having a new tv show.


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 21, 2017)

Cheers, _Bristol Post_ - “The Paper All Bristol Asked For and Helped to Create”

Bristol's most notorious dogging hotspots revealed


----------



## Ground Elder (May 21, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Bristol's most notorious dogging hotspots revealed



Nice enough, but not as picturesque as Cornwall's


----------



## Indeliblelink (May 22, 2017)

Mum and daughter licked Poundworld staff's feet after phone call


----------



## Ground Elder (May 22, 2017)

My favourite part of that Pound World story 





> "We are both too scared to go into pound world now. I had to go in again to get these special straws for the holiday because it was the only place where I could get them...



In other news


----------



## scifisam (May 23, 2017)

Indeliblelink said:


> Mum and daughter licked Poundworld staff's feet after phone call



That is one of the weirdest things I've ever read, and it's got strong competition.


----------



## Ground Elder (May 25, 2017)

*Iceland staff 'had to pretend to be a vacuum cleaner' for mum and teen in SECOND hoax caller case*



> ...at one point Michelle was asked to find a "tall and beautiful" person in the shop to pass the phone to
> "I couldn't find anyone who matched the description, but I found a small elderly lady.


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 26, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> *Iceland staff 'had to pretend to be a vacuum cleaner' for mum and teen in SECOND hoax caller case*


Sounds like one of those horrific Hidden Online Entrapment Control System computer games that The Kids are all into these days


----------



## Voley (May 26, 2017)

Have we had this yet?


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 27, 2017)

Okay, so not a headline, but deserves to be:

*



JESUS CHRIST, MAN'S
INJECTING BROWNS
IN HIS COCKY!

Click to expand...

*
Cabot 'bomb' and addict injecting in penis in week's top videos


----------



## Siouxsie (May 29, 2017)

I'm deeply offended by that video....cocky..._*cocky, *_who calls it a cocky_* *_


----------



## Lord Camomile (May 30, 2017)

Mysterious bag of darts trophies dumped on Belvedere woman’s drive


Spoiler: Massive photos
















Yup, for some reason they they had her pose for the same picture in two different locations, then used both shots


----------



## petee (Jun 4, 2017)

Man Allegedly Bench-Presses Goose for 10 Minutes at L.A. Park; Goose Allegedly Loves It


----------



## mx wcfc (Jun 6, 2017)

Headline

CAR NEARLY UNDERWATER IN READING


----------



## Siouxsie (Jun 7, 2017)

petee said:


> Man Allegedly Bench-Presses Goose for 10 Minutes at L.A. Park; Goose Allegedly Loves It


Bench presses....is that what you call it!
I find the goose feet ridiculously cute. Do you think  there is a law against goose foot kissing ....there doesn't seem to be one against goose firkling


----------



## hash tag (Jun 8, 2017)

I know there is an unpleasant story behind this, only local man fined 666 for burning a Bible

Devon man who burned Bible in row over Christmas is fined £666


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 9, 2017)

hash tag said:


> I know there is an unpleasant story behind this, only local man fined 666 for burning a Bible
> 
> Devon man who burned Bible in row over Christmas is fined £666


Story could only have been improved by taking place in Hull


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jun 12, 2017)

Don't know whether this is a local paper or not, but good headline.  



From the Arizona Republic.


----------



## petee (Jun 13, 2017)

*Three people charged for getting busy on a roof in Lancaster County*


----------



## hash tag (Jun 13, 2017)

"getting busy"; I've not heard that one before


----------



## Opera Buffa (Jun 15, 2017)

Bristol Bee Peril
_
Thousands of bees swarm covering tree '6 inches thick'

“The air was thick with angry bees” according to one witness..._


----------



## Yossarian (Jun 15, 2017)

Not a headline, but I thought this intro from the Bangor Daily News was too good not to share:


> While jogging on a familiar, overgrown, wooded trail near her home on a recent warm afternoon, Rachel Borch thought to herself. “What a beautiful day.”
> 
> Little did she know she was about to be attacked by a rabid raccoon that she would end up killing with her bare hands.



Maine woman attacked by raccoon drowns rabid animal in puddle


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jun 15, 2017)

Yossarian said:


> Not a headline, but I thought this intro from the Bangor Daily News was too good not to share:
> 
> 
> Maine woman attacked by raccoon drowns rabid animal in puddle


Hope the raccoon wasn't experiencing hydrophobia, as being drowned would be an unfortunate experience.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 18, 2017)

Another NT classic:

Faeces tosser on the loose at Darwin residential building The Kube | NT News


----------



## dessiato (Jun 18, 2017)

Homeless man arrested for having a 'sharp pencil' in Grimsby

Homeless man arrested near Grimsby mosque for carrying a sharp pencil.

He's already been inside for 75 days and is waiting sentencing.


----------



## petee (Jun 21, 2017)

*Canada police investigate theft of mummified human toe served in drinks*

just read the whole thing.

Canada police investigate theft of mummified human toe served in drinks


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 21, 2017)

petee said:


> *Canada police investigate theft of mummified human toe served in drinks*
> 
> just read the whole thing.
> 
> Canada police investigate theft of mummified human toe served in drinks



A toe, served in a drink, in Canada? One wonders about the particular vessel such a beverage might be poured into. Like, what's it, a boot?


----------



## The39thStep (Jun 21, 2017)




----------



## The39thStep (Jun 22, 2017)

'We don't want the Irish'

Man armed himself with knives and body armour for 'war' with Muslims


----------



## Casual Observer (Jun 25, 2017)




----------



## 1927 (Jun 25, 2017)

hash tag said:


> I know there is an unpleasant story behind this, only local man fined 666 for burning a Bible
> 
> Devon man who burned Bible in row over Christmas is fined £666


How is that racially aggravated assault?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jun 27, 2017)

Not a local paper, but wtf?


----------



## dessiato (Jun 27, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Not a local paper, but wtf?
> 
> View attachment 110310


That's going to be expensive.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 28, 2017)

> *Uranus Opens And Closes Every Day To Let Out Planet’s Solar Wind*



_International Business Times_

  

 

PS The bit about “two new rings, with particles the size of a fist” was a nice additional touch


----------



## MrSki (Jun 28, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Jun 28, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Jun 28, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Jun 28, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Jun 28, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Jun 28, 2017)




----------



## OzT (Jun 28, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


 
Who wants to smoke that shit anyway . . . . lol!!


----------



## chandlerp (Jun 28, 2017)

They're not fake cigarettes, they are real cigarettes purporting to be another brand.  therefore, they are counterfeit, not fake.


----------



## MrSki (Jun 28, 2017)

chandlerp said:


> They're not fake cigarettes, they are real cigarettes purporting to be another brand.  therefore, they are counterfeit, not fake.


A cigarette is supposed to contain tobacco so the human shit bit is certainly fake.


----------



## fishfinger (Jun 28, 2017)

MrSki said:


> A cigarette is supposed to contain tobacco so the human shit bit is certainly fake.


The shit is fake! 
The mould had better be real, or I'm asking for a refund


----------



## Artaxerxes (Jun 28, 2017)

'It's absolutely disgraceful' - Residents hit out at grass verge mess left by Sheffield Council contractors



> *Sheffield residents have hit out at the mess left by council contractors cutting grass verges.*
> 
> Harry Marshall, his partner Ann Hartley and neighbour Gaynor Elliot said waste grass cut from verges along their Basegreen homes is spewed out across the pavement and road each year.


----------



## editor (Jun 28, 2017)

Artaxerxes said:


> 'It's absolutely disgraceful' - Residents hit out at grass verge mess left by Sheffield Council contractors


Here's the all important pic


----------



## alan_ (Jun 28, 2017)

Artaxerxes said:


> 'It's absolutely disgraceful' - Residents hit out at grass verge mess left by Sheffield Council contractors


After I pissed myself laughing at these three pointing twats, I found it terribly depressing. That they should find a few grass clippings worthy of all this time effort and hoo ha, never mind picking it up yourself. God forbid they ever have an actual real crisis to deal with. Also I hope some minimum wage seasonal zero hour worker didn't get a bollocking because of these three dull unimaginative insipid cunts.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 28, 2017)

Some days Bristol does not let you down

Three-year-old attacked by seagull eating rat in Castle Park


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 28, 2017)

editor said:


> Here's the all important pic
> 
> View attachment 110346


----------



## alan_ (Jun 28, 2017)

alan_ said:


> After I pissed myself laughing at these three pointing twats, I found it terribly depressing. That they should find a few grass clippings worthy of all this time effort and hoo ha, never mind picking it up yourself. God forbid they ever have an actual real crisis to deal with. Also I hope some minimum wage seasonal zero hour worker didn't get a bollocking because of these three dull unimaginative insipid cunts.


After studying the picture a bit more its come to me that if you look closely you can see that slim sue shady in the middle is pure pulling his shoulder back so that it is grinding onto her crotch. You can further tell this by the way he is awkwardly kneeling. He has an erection forming under his slacks but daren't adjust himself while the camera is present. Those two are so at it. Not sure about Miss Blue ATM


----------



## petee (Jun 28, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



nice to see the NYT being sold there in the provinces.


----------



## BCBlues (Jun 28, 2017)

alan_ said:


> After studying the picture a bit more its come to me that if you look closely you can see that slim sue shady in the middle is pure pulling his shoulder back so that it is grinding onto her crotch. You can further tell this by the way he is awkwardly kneeling. He has an erection forming under his slacks but daren't adjust himself while the camera is present. Those two are so at it. Not sure about Miss Blue ATM



He's gonna have a green patch on the knees of his chinos now. How's he gonna explain that to his missus...
"I've been playing football"


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 29, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Some days Bristol does not let you down
> 
> Three-year-old attacked by seagull eating rat in Castle Park


A couple of hours after posting this I watched a gull casually rip apart a still twitching pigeon just outside the main entrance to work


----------



## alan_ (Jun 29, 2017)

More Grass Pointers this time north of the border. Attention you three pointing twats several posts above, these two pointing twats would LOVE grass clippings all over their manor


----------



## petee (Jun 29, 2017)

a people pointing at or through grass thread is indicated.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 29, 2017)

alan_ said:


>


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jun 29, 2017)

Usual ‘not local’ caveats apply


----------



## Ground Elder (Jul 1, 2017)




----------



## andysays (Jul 1, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Usual ‘not local’ caveats apply




It *is* local to me, and when I saw it on the front page of someone's paper on my way to work on Friday, I thought at first it referred to our own recently-departed-but-not-at-all-missed SBT


----------



## petee (Jul 1, 2017)

*most canadian headline ever

N.L. driver hits moose while looking at other driver who hit moose — and three other moose crashes
*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 3, 2017)

petee said:


> *most canadian headline ever
> 
> N.L. driver hits moose while looking at other driver who hit moose — and three other moose crashes*



WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE POOR MOOSES?!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 3, 2017)

Mooses? Meese? Moosi?


----------



## DotCommunist (Jul 3, 2017)

moose loose aboot this hoos


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 3, 2017)

Not a headline, but funny, if it hasn't already been posted.

Meet Cunty Councillor...


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 3, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> Not a headline, but funny, if it hasn't already been posted.
> 
> Meet Cunty Councillor...
> View attachment 110660


Looks like a Bavarian chicken farmer


----------



## BoxRoom (Jul 3, 2017)

petee said:


> *most canadian headline ever
> 
> N.L. driver hits moose while looking at other driver who hit moose — and three other moose crashes*


They really moosed up!


----------



## petee (Jul 3, 2017)

*'It is strange to see the British struggling with the beaver'

'It is strange to see the British struggling with the beaver': why is rewilding so controversial?

not local etc.*


----------



## Santino (Jul 3, 2017)

petee said:


> *'It is strange to see the British struggling with the beaver'*


Probably my favourite Noël Coward song.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Jul 3, 2017)

petee said:


> a people pointing at or through grass thread is indicated.




U rated Reservoir Dogs lacks a certain something I feel.


----------



## eoin_k (Jul 3, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> Not a headline, but funny, if it hasn't already been posted.
> 
> Meet Cunty Councillor...
> View attachment 110660


We could all read between the lines, but the original deserves to be appreciated in full:


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jul 5, 2017)

Every year the small town of Seward NE, hosts a fairly large Forth of July celebration.  Part of their tradition is to have the Sheriff go out on Interstate 80 and stop a car, take them into town, and make them the honorary parade kings or queens.  Oh, lets be honest, they practically kidnap them.  This year it was a hapless family from Ireland who looked a bit disconcerted by the whole thing:



> One of the most unique things about the event is the selection of a Tour Family. Every year, the local sheriff selects a family to pullover or take, and invites them to be put on a float, along with being provided a hotel for the night. This year's family came all the way from Ireland, and it gave them a bit of a scare.
> 
> Jim Sheehan said, "I was frightened to death! It took me over an hour to get over it!."
> 
> ...



Seward rockets away with Fourth of July celebration

So they take them to town, feed them, put them on a parade float, give them a few goodies, a hotel room for the night, and a hearty American breakfast before releasing them back into the wild the next day.


----------



## Ground Elder (Jul 5, 2017)

*Turning on taps, tipping over logs and hammering windows – is this Cornwall’s most notorious gang?*



> We have been getting reports of youths causing issues in St Columb Major over the past week, including youths climbing on the tractor shed roof in the St Columb Major recreation ground at around 3pm. We will be monitoring the area over the next week.



I'm posting this in memory of Tobyjug, who had the answer to this sort of thing.


----------



## Libertad (Jul 5, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> *Turning on taps, tipping over logs and hammering windows – is this Cornwall’s most notorious gang?*
> 
> 
> 
> I'm posting this in memory of Tobyjug, who had the answer to this sort of thing.



Dangerous place St Columb.


----------



## petee (Jul 6, 2017)

Scottish Man Loses An Aye In Disturbing Attack


----------



## JimW (Jul 7, 2017)

Not a headline, but this letter to my local paper cracked me up:


> AFTER your inspiring articles about how special Stroud is, I feel I want to blow one of the best kept secrets of the Western world: Tito’s Yugoslavia.
> 
> When Tito started his system of Workers Self-Management in 1950, Yugoslavia as it was then, had a largely peasant population.
> 
> ...


Reader's Letter: Tito’s way
Is Dave suggesting this is the next step for the town council? Certainly Stroud can be seen as the cockpit of the struggle for workers' self-management.


----------



## petee (Jul 13, 2017)

*Police: Man shot while dragging raccoon to crab pot; suspect arrested*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 14, 2017)

petee said:


> *suspect arrested*


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 14, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> View attachment 111305


An oddly long neck.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 14, 2017)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> Every year the small town of Seward NE, hosts a fairly large Forth of July celebration.  Part of their tradition is to have the Sheriff go out on Interstate 80 and stop a car, take them into town, and make them the honorary parade kings or queens.  Oh, lets be honest, they practically kidnap them.  This year it was a hapless family from Ireland who looked a bit disconcerted by the whole thing:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It's obvious that in the olden days they used to sacrifice them on an alternative in the town square to appease their god - they've just sanitised it to make it acceptable.

Does the town have a history of making wicker products?


----------



## Libertad (Jul 14, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> An oddly long neck.



Firky's Northwestern cousin.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jul 14, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> It's obvious that in the olden days they used to sacrifice them on an alternative in the town square to appease their god - they've just sanitised it to make it acceptable.
> 
> Does the town have a history of making wicker products?





Interestingly enough:



> Preparation for the ceremony, which ended in a ritual feast and dance by the entire village, involved several stages and sacred songs. After being dressed by the Morning Star priest in sacred raiments from the Morning Star bundle and anointed with red ointment, the captive stayed with the Wolf man, who brought her daily to the warrior leader for meals eaten with utensils from the Morning Star bundle.
> 
> On the appropriate predawn morning, the Wolf man led the captive to the scaffold, constructed of different symbolic species of wood. The killing was carried out with a ceremonial bow and arrow. Immediately a stone knife incision was made near the heart, and specially prepared buffalo meat held to receive drops of the victim's blood before being prepared for feasting. Before the body was removed and placed in the prairie facing east, the entire village, including children, lodged dozens of arrows in the victim's back. The Skiris believed that this ceremony allowed the victim's spirit to ascend to the sky to become a star, while her body returned to the earth.



Encyclopedia of the Great Plains | MORNING STAR CEREMONY

What's a parade float, but a modern scaffold?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 14, 2017)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> Interestingly enough:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Run for the hills.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jul 14, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Run for the hills.



Those folks from Ireland don't know how narrowly they escaped.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 14, 2017)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> Those folks from Ireland don't know how narrowly they escaped.


Let's hope they don't go on holiday to Summerisle next year, as their luck will run out eventually.


----------



## 8den (Jul 17, 2017)

Lucky June.


----------



## Ground Elder (Jul 17, 2017)

8den said:


> Lucky June.



See also Post 1372, from 51 weeks ago.


----------



## T & P (Jul 17, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> See also Post 1372, from 51 weeks ago.


To be fair 51 weeks ago it's almost exactly a year, so the earlier article might have referred to June 2016


----------



## 8den (Jul 17, 2017)

Taken from Opticans Monthly.


----------



## Casual Observer (Jul 18, 2017)




----------



## Casual Observer (Jul 18, 2017)




----------



## Wilf (Jul 18, 2017)

I haven't kept up with this thread, but recent contributions would struggle to beat post 3:



> *Dog walker tells of shock at 67 screws discovery*
> 
> 
> http://www.burtonmail.co.uk/News/Dog-walker-tells-of-shock-at-67-screws-discovery-06102011.htm


----------



## Wilf (Jul 18, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


>


I found out I've got some scarring to my cornea a couple of weeks ago. I don't _think_ it's the same cause.


----------



## Siouxsie (Jul 18, 2017)

8den said:


> View attachment 111521
> 
> 
> Taken from Opticans Monthly.


That's got me giggling like a school girl


----------



## Maggot (Jul 18, 2017)

Wilf said:


> I found out I've got some scarring to my cornea a couple of weeks ago. I don't _think_ it's the same cause.


But it's affected your eyesight enough to cause you to quote the wrong article.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 18, 2017)

Not local, but this can be read a number of ways. 



I know that budget cuts have forced police to seek other funding, but helicopter porn subscription channels might be going too far.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 18, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Not local, but this can be read a number of ways.
> 
> View attachment 111586
> 
> I know that budget cuts have forced police to seek other funding, but helicopter porn subscription channels might be going too far.





> A police helicopter was used to film two people "brazenly" having sex in their garden, a court heard.
> 
> The trial of two South Yorkshire Police officers and two pilots has begun at Sheffield Crown Court.
> 
> ...



Twats.


----------



## Siouxsie (Jul 18, 2017)

You're not safe anywhere!


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Jul 18, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> Twats.



How could you tell from that distance?


----------



## kabbes (Jul 18, 2017)

People will be at it brazenly in their bedrooms next.


----------



## hash tag (Jul 18, 2017)

Robot Security Guard Commits ‘Suicide’ By Driving Into a Pond and Drowning



Overworked, underpaid; how many know that one?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 18, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> You're not safe anywhere!


Moral of the tale is not to have a shag in an open space. 

You're more likely to be filmed by a weirdo operating a drone that by a nosy plods in a copper chopper though.


----------



## Siouxsie (Jul 18, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Moral of the tale is not to have a shag in an open space..


What about a knee trembler up against a tree


----------



## 8den (Jul 18, 2017)

hash tag said:


> Robot Security Guard Commits ‘Suicide’ By Driving Into a Pond and Drowning
> 
> View attachment 111589
> 
> Overworked, underpaid; how many know that one?



Literally thirty years to the day since the release of Robocop. Man the future is rubbish.


----------



## 8den (Jul 18, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> That's got me giggling like a school girl



The thing is he went to doctor the next day so he had _at least_ 8 hours to come up with a better story than "a prostitute unexpectedly wee'd in my eye".


----------



## 8den (Jul 18, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Moral of the tale is not to have a shag in an open space.
> 
> You're more likely to be filmed by a weirdo operating a drone that by a nosy plods in a copper chopper though.



Delving deeper into the story apparently the couple were mates of one of the helicopter piplots and it was all consenting.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jul 18, 2017)

Wistaston man told to remove bottom-baring gnome - BBC News


----------



## phillm (Jul 18, 2017)

hash tag said:


> Robot Security Guard Commits ‘Suicide’ By Driving Into a Pond and Drowning
> 
> View attachment 111589
> 
> Overworked, underpaid; how many know that one?



Fuck em , did he jump or was he pushed ? The genii or whatever they are called seem to think they will supplant us in the end (Hawkins , Musk , Speilberg et al) so it is concomitant for sentient life to resist however and wherever. I saw a robot shopping thing in East Dulwich recently and rebel that I am hope one of the local 'scallies' would have given it a good seeing to.


----------



## phillm (Jul 18, 2017)

Indeliblelink said:


> Wistaston man told to remove bottom-baring gnome - BBC News



No doubt post Brexit much more of this 'stuff' will happen. It's to do with sovereignty and it's a bunch of arse.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 18, 2017)

8den said:


> Delving deeper into the story apparently the couple were mates of one of the helicopter piplots and it was all consenting.


Taking the concept of dogging voyeurism a bit far though - why couldn't they do all that sordidness in a car park?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 18, 2017)

8den said:


> The thing is he went to doctor the next day so he had _at least_ 8 hours to come up with a better story than "a prostitute unexpectedly wee'd in my eye".


His story was “a _stripper_ unexpectedly wee'd in my eye”.


----------



## hash tag (Jul 18, 2017)

She couldn'y hold it any longer!


----------



## Wilf (Jul 19, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> His story was “a _stripper_ unexpectedly wee'd in my eye”.


"In a mixed bathroom, I tripped over a bust of Napoleon, which left me sprawled on the floor underneath a young lady who seemed to have neglected her underwear. The shock of my arrival at her feet led to .... the _unexpected_"


----------



## Siouxsie (Jul 20, 2017)

Wilf said:


> "In a mixed bathroom, I tripped over a bust of Napoleon, which left me sprawled on the floor underneath a young lady who seemed to have neglected her underwear. The shock of my arrival at her feet led to .... the _unexpected_"



This thread is about headlines, Wilf...not your fantasies!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 20, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> This thread is about headlines, Wilf...not your fantasies!


I don't think anyone fantasises about getting chlamydia in their eyes.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 20, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I don't think anyone fantasises about getting chlamydia in their eyes.


Such a sheltered life


----------



## Siouxsie (Jul 20, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I don't think anyone fantasises about getting chlamydia in their eyes.


Never underestimate the sickness of the human psyche!


----------



## Idaho (Jul 20, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I don't think anyone fantasises about getting chlamydia in their eyes.


You're so vanilla.


----------



## Wilf (Jul 20, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> This thread is about headlines, Wilf...not your fantasies!


If someone offered to pee in my face, I'd be thinking 'ewwwww... dirty bastard, fuck off'. But then I'm very _polite_.  Lack of assertiveness could lead to me ending up at the docs and having to make up a story resting my eyeballs on a toilet seat.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 20, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Such a sheltered life





Idaho said:


> You're so vanilla.


Happy to be vanilla rather than a depraved pervert like Wilf seems to be


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 20, 2017)

Actually, it would make for an interesting conversation at the clap clinic - asking them to swabs eyes instead of the usual places...


----------



## Wilf (Jul 20, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Happy to be vanilla rather than a depraved pervert like Wilf seems to be


I'm beginning to wonder whether I've revealed too much of my private life on this thread!  Mucky-ocular fetishist and proud!


----------



## Wilf (Jul 20, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Actually, it would make for an interesting conversation at the clap clinic - asking them to swabs eyes instead of the usual places...


'erm, shall I drop my kecks?'
- no, just remove your specs


----------



## BoxRoom (Jul 20, 2017)

hash tag said:


> Robot Security Guard Commits ‘Suicide’ By Driving Into a Pond and Drowning
> 
> View attachment 111589
> 
> Overworked, underpaid; how many know that one?


----------



## hash tag (Jul 20, 2017)

Poor Steve.


----------



## hash tag (Jul 20, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Never underestimate the sickness of the human psyche!



"You can't argue with a sick mind".



Wilf said:


> If someone offered to pee in my face, I'd be thinking 'ewwwww... dirty bastard, fuck off'. But then I'm very _polite_.  Lack of assertiveness could lead to me ending up at the docs and having to make up a story resting my eyeballs on a toilet seat.



If you are so "polite" just how on earth would you end up in a postion where someone would pee on your face


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 20, 2017)

hash tag said:


> If you are so "polite" just how on earth would you end up in a postion where someone would pee on your face


False modesty. He's really a raging pervert.


----------



## hash tag (Jul 20, 2017)

Often the way, especially with ex public school types or so I believe.


----------



## Wilf (Jul 20, 2017)

hash tag said:


> "You can't argue with a sick mind".
> 
> 
> 
> If you are so "polite" just how on earth would you end up in a postion where someone would pee on your face


Look, good manners cost nothing. Though sometimes, I admit, I'm too polite. It allows people to walk all over me...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jul 20, 2017)

Wilf said:


> Look, good manners cost nothing. Though sometimes, I admit, I'm too polite. It allows people to walk all over me...


(((poor Wilf's eyeballs, oozing chlamydia pus)))


----------



## Wilf (Jul 20, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> oozing chlamydia pus


Apparently, one of the bandnames rejected by The Bee Gees.


----------



## petee (Jul 20, 2017)

A Parrot Really Helped Convict a Woman of Murdering Her Husband



> A Michigan jury has convicted a woman of first-degree murder in the shooting death of her husband. Sounds like your average episode of _Snapped_, right? Not quite. The crime was apparently witnessed by the man's pet parrot, which has been heard repeating the phrase, "Don't fucking shoot."


----------



## Casual Observer (Jul 20, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 20, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> (((poor Wilf's eyeballs, oozing chlamydia pus)))


I bet you made a mint working those 0898 lines


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 20, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


>


----------



## alan_ (Jul 20, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


>


























The tank spotted yesterday


----------



## Wilf (Jul 20, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> I bet you made a mint working those 0898 lines


The sister of somebody at work got a job working on the sex lines/sexting with gentlemen. Apparently she got sacked for pointing out the grammatical flaws in the company's online profiles.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 20, 2017)

Wilf said:


> The sister of somebody at work got a job working on the sex lines/sexting with gentlemen. Apparently she got sacked for pointing out the grammatical flaws in the other company's online profiles.


I would have thought innate strictness would have been rewarded handsomely


----------



## Wilf (Jul 20, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> I would have thought innate strictness would have been rewarded handsomely


Sarcastic pedantry is a more specialised field.  Mind, there's a few urbanites who she might...


----------



## T & P (Jul 21, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I don't think anyone fantasises about getting chlamydia in their eyes.


Rule 34 has taught me to assume otherwise, no matter how implausible.


----------



## 8den (Jul 21, 2017)

Carnage?


----------



## T & P (Jul 21, 2017)

That headline is so grammatically incorrect it is hurting my brain.


----------



## Wilf (Jul 21, 2017)

T & P said:


> That headline is so grammatically incorrect it is hurting my brain.


Grammar tends to slip after the third bottle of Bucky.


----------



## Wilf (Jul 21, 2017)

T & P said:


> That headline is so grammatically incorrect it is hurting my brain.


... actually, the rest of the story ain't that hot either. They seem to have declared war on the apostrophe.


----------



## Siouxsie (Jul 21, 2017)

((( , )))


----------



## Wilf (Jul 21, 2017)

The poor old ' - rejected by headline writers, kidnapped by grocers ... sorry, grocer's.


----------



## Siouxsie (Jul 21, 2017)

We need to march!


----------



## Benjamin F (Jul 22, 2017)

*Naan bread shortage at Scunthorpe pub*


Naan bread shortage at Scunthorpe pub

The horror! The horror.


Or Maybe Scunthorpe's intrepid newshound Nick Cole just wants to be listed here.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 22, 2017)

Benjamin F said:


> Or Maybe Scunthorpe's intrepid newshound Nick Cole just wants to be listed here.



It seems that Nick Cole is not some wet-behind-the-ears new intern, but actually a local reporter of some vintage - when the _Telegraph_ went from daily to weekly in 2011 he was Father of the NUJ Chapel, which indicates some seniority. He's currently reaching out to former _Telegraph_  employees in preparation for the title's 80th anniversary.

Scunthorpe Telegraph to hold 80th anniversary reunion - Journalism News from HoldtheFrontPage


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 23, 2017)

Gardai hunting Dublin Bus w**ker after vile incident

(Actual incident significantly less amusing than headline)


----------



## Orang Utan (Jul 23, 2017)

Canadian fisherman survives sexual assault by dozens of seals


----------



## Wilf (Jul 24, 2017)

Dark turn for the thread.  Much preferred it in the innocent days of




> *Dog walker tells of shock at 67 screws discovery*
> 
> 
> http://www.burtonmail.co.uk/News/Dog-walker-tells-of-shock-at-67-screws-discovery-06102011.htm


----------



## Siouxsie (Jul 24, 2017)

I find the seals are far more attractive than the fisherman.


----------



## Wilf (Jul 24, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> I find the seals are far more attractive than the fisherman.


Look, I hadn't brushed my hair when they took that picture!


----------



## Siouxsie (Jul 24, 2017)

Wilf said:


> Look, I hadn't brushed my hair when they took that picture!


I thought I spotted crusty eyes....poor seals, used for perverted sex acts 

_I didn't like to say but I thought it was Stanley _


----------



## Siouxsie (Jul 24, 2017)

hash tag said:


> If you are so "polite" *just how on earth would you end up in a postion where someone would pee on your face*



Lying face up on the bathroom floor


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 26, 2017)

Trout with cigarette in its mouth posted through shop's letterbox (yes, you read that correctly)


----------



## hash tag (Jul 26, 2017)

Can you smoke trout?


----------



## Casual Observer (Jul 26, 2017)




----------



## Wilf (Jul 27, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


>


So, if you shout out 'Roald' and you get the reply 'Dahl', the person is innocent - but if they holler back 'Amundson', you've got a wrong 'un?


----------



## T & P (Jul 27, 2017)

neonwilderness said:


> Trout with cigarette in its mouth posted through shop's letterbox (yes, you read that correctly)


Is that some kind of British variation on the horse's-head-in-your-bed mafia warning?


----------



## petee (Jul 27, 2017)

T & P said:


> Is that some kind of British variation on the horse's-head-in-your-bed mafia warning?



the postie's gonna sleep with the fishes


----------



## Wilf (Jul 27, 2017)

T & P said:


> Is that some kind of British variation on the horse's-head-in-your-bed mafia warning?


More a case of when we are freed from the tyranny of Brussels, all animals will be allowed to smoke.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 27, 2017)

petee said:


> the postie's gonna smoke with the fishes


FTFY


----------



## Casual Observer (Jul 27, 2017)

Wilf said:


> So, if you shout out 'Roald' and you get the reply 'Dahl', the person is innocent - but if they holler back 'Amundson', you've got a wrong 'un?


'Marco Polo' is/was a game people used to play when they were of primary school age. One player closes their eyes while the other players hide. The closed eye player then locates one of the other players by shouting 'Marco' to which they have to reply 'Polo'.  The closed eye player then locates one of the other players by tracing where the sound came from. 

In this instance, had the policeman shouted 'Roald', the perpetrator would have kept quiet and increased his chances of a successful escape.


----------



## Opera Buffa (Aug 1, 2017)




----------



## Corax (Aug 1, 2017)

Opera Buffa said:


>


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 1, 2017)




----------



## JuanTwoThree (Aug 1, 2017)

So the knicker nicking was rash. But stealing the bacon was rasher.

In my day any hack worth their salt could have done something with this.


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 1, 2017)

Priests asked to leave Cardiff pub because staff thought they were a stag do


----------



## Badgers (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## Wilf (Aug 2, 2017)

I'm assuming this was someone in the public gallery as Mark Naylor would have otherwise said _'lawyer/witness/judge_ breaking wind cuts through sombre silence in Grimsby courtroom'. If so, how did he _know_ it was a woman? Was it an all female public gallery?  Even if the intrepid reporter was sat next to the lady who let rip, surely the strictures of court reporting meant it should have been phrased as 'woman _allegedly_ breaking wind cuts through sombre silence...'   ((((Broken Britain)))


----------



## Wilf (Aug 2, 2017)

Anyway, if it had been someone in the court itself, I'd have gone with 'GRIMSBY COURT FARTER: do the billowing robes of the usher tell a tale?'


----------



## Siouxsie (Aug 2, 2017)

They may have been trying the Phantom raspberry blower!


----------



## Wilf (Aug 2, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> They may have been trying the Phantom raspberry blower!


... or an anal ventriloquist.


----------



## Siouxsie (Aug 2, 2017)

Wilf said:


> ... or an anal ventriloquist.


Is that another fantasy of yours


----------



## Wilf (Aug 2, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Is that another fantasy of yours


... they just keep seeping out.


----------



## Siouxsie (Aug 2, 2017)

TMI


----------



## Artaxerxes (Aug 2, 2017)

These people look so happy.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 2, 2017)

Wilf said:


> ... they just keep seeping out.



*throws up*


----------



## MrSki (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 2, 2017)

MrSki said:


>




Sub-headline should be...

... comes out smelling of roses.


----------



## MrSki (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 2, 2017)




----------



## Corax (Aug 2, 2017)

Artaxerxes said:


> These people look so happy.
> 
> View attachment 112661


Dunno about Southwick, but I fucking hate these NIMBY group nerks.

A nearby village to me has just successfully 'seen off' a patch of development.  Despite the fact that it's a pretty nondescript and charmless place, not some picturesque country idyll, and there's a massive shortage of housing - social and otherwise.

At the same time, the same people bemoan the fact that 'all the young people move away' and there's a lack of services and public transport.  Things that might, in fact, be provided if a few more people lived there.

Fuckwits.

/rant


----------



## Corax (Aug 2, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



"Exclusive to all newspapers"?

That's a Private Eye gagline 

As is "cont P94"...

And, erm... the phone numbers.


----------



## Siouxsie (Aug 3, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Aye, he looks like a sexual deviant...I bet he's called Wilf!


----------



## Wilf (Aug 4, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Aye, he looks like a sexual deviant...I bet he's called Wilf!


Look, there's an implicit trust, anonymity if you like, when it comes to... dogging. 

I'll get me coat grubby mac.


----------



## Badgers (Aug 7, 2017)




----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 8, 2017)

Local to somewhere: Chinese man stopped at bus station with two human arms in bag 

*Chinese man stopped at bus station with two human arms in bag*


----------



## JimW (Aug 8, 2017)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Local to somewhere: Chinese man stopped at bus station with two human arms in bag
> 
> *Chinese man stopped at bus station with two human arms in bag*


Denies wrongdoing but police say he hasn't got a leg to stand on


----------



## Ground Elder (Aug 8, 2017)




----------



## petee (Aug 9, 2017)

'Self-driving car' actually controlled by man dressed up as a car seat


----------



## Ponyutd (Aug 9, 2017)




----------



## Badgers (Aug 10, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 10, 2017)

Ponyutd said:


>


Should have followed the path of yeast resistance


----------



## Badgers (Aug 11, 2017)

Update from Granby, Quebec


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 11, 2017)

Badgers said:


> Update from Granby, Quebec



I'm surprised it's still alive, cops almost misheard the original 911 call as “Al's packing”


----------



## Ground Elder (Aug 11, 2017)

*Former PM David Cameron could have been bodyboarding in raw sewage at Polzeath beach*

This cheered me up no end 



> There's a huge risk David Cameron would have been exposed to anything from a small health risk such as skin, eye, ear, or throat infections to much more serious conditions such as E coli or hepatitis which can be present within raw sewage.



edited to add: There really hasn't been planning granted for a giant seagull over St Ives Badgers


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 11, 2017)

If true, this is a bit unfortunate. From Twitter so I don't have a link.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 11, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> This cheered me up no end



A shit, wallowing in shit.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 11, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> If true, this is a bit unfortunate. From Twitter so I don't have a link.
> 
> View attachment 113306



Google search suggests it's true, but from 2012:
woman accidentally joins search party looking for herself snopes - Google Search


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 11, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> Google search suggests it's true, but from 2012:
> woman accidentally joins search party looking for herself snopes - Google Search



The question is whether the poor sods are still on that mountain, forlornly going round in circles trying to find the woman.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 12, 2017)

Well, I wasn't expecting _that_ when I clicked on my local newspaper's website this evening...

 
Man sent to prison after having sex with a Labrador


----------



## hash tag (Aug 13, 2017)

This was from BOGnor, where they have little all else to talk about. I guess it was about toilets as opposed to over them


----------



## Casual Observer (Aug 13, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> If true, this is a bit unfortunate. From Twitter so I don't have a link.
> 
> View attachment 113306


Reminds me of a John Peel Story. He was on a coach trip as a schoolboy and shat his pants. His classmates could smell the shit but couldn't work out where it came from. The boys then searched the coach looking for the source. Peel, not wanting to give the game away, keenly took part in the search.


----------



## Chemical needs (Aug 13, 2017)

*'Super' fleas with giant penises set to invade Bristol homes as soggy August creates ideal conditions*


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 14, 2017)

Chemical needs said:


> *'Super' fleas with giant penises set to invade Bristol homes as soggy August creates ideal conditions*


They are also 'sex-crazed' according to my local rag.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 14, 2017)

The one at the bottom's pretty good:


----------



## Siouxsie (Aug 14, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> They are also 'sex-crazed' according to my local rag.


Wilf better get the flea powder ready!


----------



## Wilf (Aug 14, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Wilf better get the flea powder ready!


 Look, when it comes to the sex people, I am but John the Baptist to Casually Red's _very_ naughty boy.


----------



## Wilf (Aug 14, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Well, I wasn't expecting _that_ when I clicked on my local newspaper's website this evening...
> 
> View attachment 113339
> Man sent to prison after having sex with a Labrador





> Hook lived at his parent’s house following the collapses of a long term relationship. He rarely socialised, instead preferring to spend his time alone in his room where he snorted the drug Mephedrone, drank and shared vile images with an online community of paedophiles.... Hook had a friend film him being penetrated by the Labrador on a farm in Somerset.



THINGS SAID IN COURT THAT DON'T _QUITE_ RING TRUE:



> Robert Duval, defending, said Hook was of previous good character


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 14, 2017)

Wilf said:


> THINGS SAID IN COURT THAT DON'T _QUITE_ RING TRUE:


I totally believe everything Tom Hagen tells me


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Aug 15, 2017)

Radio caller suggests Carhenge too 'pagan' for Ricketts' eclipse viewing


----------



## rekil (Aug 16, 2017)

Too big for the locals. Solidarity with this hero.

Engineer sacked after waking from nap and giving boss ‘the finger’


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 16, 2017)

Sweet-toothed porn thief sought by police


----------



## Siouxsie (Aug 16, 2017)

neonwilderness said:


> Sweet-toothed porn thief sought by police


This comment made me laugh! 
_"He stands more chance of a conviction by the fashion police. Quite a catch if you have zero taste, no teeth and a penchant for Razzle"_


----------



## Casual Observer (Aug 16, 2017)




----------



## JuanTwoThree (Aug 16, 2017)

"Hook had a friend film him being penetrated by the Labrador on a farm in Somerset"

I don't know much about bestiality (Sam Cook?) but for some reason in my mind's eye I'd imagine it the other way.

Please nobody explain the practicalities of this. First and foremost because I simply don't want to know. But also because it would raise questions about the proclivities of the poster who _could _explain how it's done, or at least about their fertile imagination.


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Aug 16, 2017)

I've  just seen my custom title!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 16, 2017)

JuanTwoThree said:


> "Hook had a friend film him being penetrated by the Labrador on a farm in Somerset"
> 
> I don't know much about bestiality (Sam Cook?) but for some reason in my mind's eye I'd imagine it the other way.
> 
> Please nobody explain the practicalities of this. First and foremost because I simply don't want to know. But also because it would raise questions about the proclivities of the poster who _could _explain how it's done, or at least about their fertile imagination.





Spoiler: Well, it's like this...



 

You had to click, didn't you?


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Aug 16, 2017)

Oh, I clicked!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Aug 16, 2017)

JuanTwoThree said:


> Please nobody explain the practicalities of this. First and foremost because I simply don't want to know. But also because it would raise questions about the proclivities of the poster who _could _explain how it's done, or at least about their fertile imagination.



You could always google it as clearly you want to know.


----------



## hash tag (Aug 16, 2017)

neonwilderness said:


> Sweet-toothed porn thief sought by police



Clearly wants to get his teeth into something


----------



## Wilf (Aug 16, 2017)

JuanTwoThree said:


> "Hook had a friend film him being penetrated by the Labrador on a farm in Somerset"
> 
> I don't know much about bestiality (Sam Cook?) but for some reason in my mind's eye I'd imagine it the other way.
> 
> Please nobody explain the practicalities of this. First and foremost because I simply don't want to know. But also because it would raise questions about the proclivities of the poster who _could _explain how it's done, or at least about their fertile imagination.


"Well, in my experience..."


----------



## Wilf (Aug 16, 2017)

JuanTwoThree said:


> "Hook had a friend film him being penetrated by the Labrador on a farm in Somerset"
> 
> I don't know much about bestiality (Sam Cook?) but for some reason in my mind's eye I'd imagine it the other way.
> 
> Please nobody explain the practicalities of this. First and foremost because I simply don't want to know. But also because it would raise questions about the proclivities of the poster who _could _explain how it's done, or at least about their fertile imagination.


Always love how they trot out the 'of previously good character' line in court. He was a dog shagging nonce, so I for one am not _entirely_ convinced he led a blameless life up until that point.


----------



## hash tag (Aug 19, 2017)

Got a problem? Need help? Your local off licence is here to help you. From the Sutton Guardian.


----------



## Badgers (Aug 19, 2017)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 19, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 113846



That is classic, in Royal Fucking Tunbridge Wells. 



> Residents of Tunbridge Wells – known for writing outraged letters to the editor – really do have something to be upset about this weekend: a sex festival.
> 
> Hundreds of people are expected to attend Flamefest, billed as a “kinky rave festival” that promises an outdoor S&M dungeon and “adult play area” staffed by dominatrices.
> 
> ...



Outrage in Tunbridge Wells over sex festival in the woods


----------



## hash tag (Aug 21, 2017)

The story that the nation is concerned about more than any other

*Silencing Big Ben's bongs 'may threaten John Bercow's love life'*


----------



## DotCommunist (Aug 21, 2017)

hash tag said:


> The story that the nation is concerned about more than any other
> 
> *Silencing Big Ben's bongs 'may threaten John Bercow's love life'*


does he time his thrusts with the bongs or something, is that the only way the supercilious smug prick can get over the line these days?


----------



## hash tag (Aug 21, 2017)

I doubt it, have you not seen Sally b?

It could be a Pavlov's dog type thing.


----------



## Wilf (Aug 21, 2017)

hash tag said:


> The story that the nation is concerned about more than any other
> 
> *Silencing Big Ben's bongs 'may threaten John Bercow's love life'*


In my pursuit of this important story I have discovered that:


> Big Ben will fall silent on Monday, with some "traditionalist" MPs vowing to stand in solemn vigil with their heads bowed as it chimes for the last time at noon.
> 
> 
> Many have been critical of the decision and demanded a rethink after the decision was taken that the bongs would be too loud for construction workers renovating the historic building.
> ...


 Fucking wankers, don't seem to give a fuck for the people actually doing the work.  'Traditionalists', FFS!


----------



## Siouxsie (Aug 21, 2017)

It didn't do Quasimodo any harm!

What was that? speak up I can't hear you!


----------



## Casual Observer (Aug 22, 2017)

From a few years back but...


----------



## hash tag (Aug 22, 2017)

potentially very impressive


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 22, 2017)

I got a big one, but I don't tend to use it as weapon.


----------



## Casual Observer (Aug 22, 2017)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 22, 2017)

The penis didn't make eye contact?


----------



## scifisam (Aug 22, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> From a few years back but...


They missed a trick by not saying he beat them off


----------



## petee (Aug 22, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


>



*GET.
OUT.*


----------



## T & P (Aug 22, 2017)

hash tag said:


> potentially very impressive


----------



## Siouxsie (Aug 23, 2017)

Sorry to be a kill joy......
it's been shopped 




A woman in Scottsdale, Arizona, has been arrested after she cut off her partner’s penis in a fit of fury. Shania Jones, 34, told detectives that she was sick of the man – who has been named locally as Bruce Fox – refusing to make eye contact with her during sex. Fox is currently in intensive care at Scottsdale Liberty Hospital, where he is expected to make a recovery.

The attack took place in Fox’s home last Thursday. According to the man, the pair were having sex, when all of a sudden, Jones got up, grabbed a kitchen knife, and sliced the tip of his penis off. Jones fled the scene as the man lay on the bed, bleeding profusely. Emergency services were called to the scene, and luckily for Fox they were able to stem the flow of blood before he lost consciousness.


----------



## Badgers (Aug 24, 2017)




----------



## Pickman's model (Aug 24, 2017)

Cromer Carnival apologise for Rolf Harris stunt


----------



## Wilf (Aug 24, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 114230
> Cromer Carnival apologise for Rolf Harris stunt


Cromer, so much to answer for.


----------



## Siouxsie (Aug 24, 2017)

I blame the crabs.


----------



## petee (Aug 25, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Sorry to be a kill joy......
> it's been shopped
> 
> 
> ...



not even that, says snopes:
FALSE: Crazed Woman Cuts Off Man’s Penis for Not Making Eye Contact During Sex


----------



## Mumbles274 (Aug 25, 2017)

This lovely one from a year ago... Do i get bonus points for it being my mother!!!


----------



## Corax (Aug 25, 2017)

*Shock as nails protrude from crumbling bench in children's play area*

*



*



Shocked I tell you - SHOCKED!!!


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 25, 2017)

It shouldn't do that! Margate grandma demands Tesco repaint her home after prune juice explosion


----------



## Badgers (Aug 30, 2017)




----------



## Libertad (Aug 30, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 114613



Peel lives!


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Aug 30, 2017)

Not the local paper, but seen in a local shop:


----------



## Casual Observer (Aug 31, 2017)




----------



## Artaxerxes (Aug 31, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


>




I knew it would end badly.


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 1, 2017)




----------



## petee (Sep 2, 2017)

First Amendment Protects Cinema's Right to Show Unicorn Masturbation Scene While Serving Alcohol, Says Judge

not local etc.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 2, 2017)

petee said:


> First Amendment Protects Cinema's Right to Show Unicorn Masturbation Scene While Serving Alcohol, Says Judge
> 
> not local etc.



Is it still the 1950s in that part of the US?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 2, 2017)

Not local, but bloody funny story, pissed-up pensioners:

Pensioner runs naked through hotel in 'out-of-control' rampage with wife



> here are certain things one does not expect to come across in a smart lochside hotel in the Scottish Highlands, and a couple of pensioners running amok with a pair of scissors is one of them.
> 
> After his wife complained that staff had been hostile to her 72-year-old Robert Fergus ran entirely naked through the MacDonald Loch Rannoch Hotel, in Perthshire, on a drunken "out-of-control" rampage.
> 
> ...


----------



## dessiato (Sep 5, 2017)

I saw this, and was utterly bemused.

Blackpool couple shot children as punishment for not doing chores - Blackpool couple shot children as punishment for not doing chores - BBC News

Sadly, very sadly, it seems it's true.

Eta for clarity, they shot the kids with a BB gun


----------



## mx wcfc (Sep 5, 2017)

R


dessiato said:


> I saw this, and was utterly bemused.
> 
> Blackpool couple shot children as punishment for not doing chores - Blackpool couple shot children as punishment for not doing chores - BBC News
> 
> ...


I am very rarely shocked by anything these days but wtf??!!!


----------



## Artaxerxes (Sep 5, 2017)




----------



## JimW (Sep 5, 2017)

Artaxerxes said:


> View attachment 115111


I for one welcome our new junior school High Queen.


----------



## mx wcfc (Sep 5, 2017)

Arthur - the once and future king.


----------



## dessiato (Sep 5, 2017)

mx wcfc said:


> R
> I am very rarely shocked by anything these days but wtf??!!!


Boggles the mind doesn't it?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 5, 2017)




----------



## Indeliblelink (Sep 5, 2017)

Fire brigade called after girl throws a poo out of a window on Tinder date


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 6, 2017)




----------



## cybershot (Sep 6, 2017)

Local news section of the BBC site, had to miss off the headline in order to put the untasteful link description they decided to post.


----------



## Siouxsie (Sep 7, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Bristol's most notorious dogging hotspots revealed



_Makes notes _


----------



## ddraig (Sep 7, 2017)

this is a national paper ffs!! embarrassing
A family shop was selling bongs behind the counter


> “She told me that depends what you use it for. I said it’s probably not illegal but is it morally right?”
> 
> Mr Sharpe said he was concerned as he knew from his experience of working with people affected by drugs that “drugs can ruin people’s lives”.
> 
> ...


Family Shopper selling bongs


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 9, 2017)

*Peppa Pig 'spiders can't hurt you' episode pulled off air in Australia – again*




> Not all Australian spiders are “very, very small” and some can hurt you.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 9, 2017)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 10, 2017)

How on earth did this make the front page of a 'national' daily newspaper?

 

Oh, it's Wales, silly me.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 10, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 10, 2017)




----------



## JimW (Sep 10, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 115426


You'd never know to look at her she's only 17. Just say no, kids.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 10, 2017)

JimW said:


> You'd never know to look at her she's only 17. Just say no, kids.





Too old for a certain travelling urbanite.


----------



## petee (Sep 10, 2017)

Creepy hermit crab uses discarded doll's head as shell



Spoiler


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 10, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 115425


“Why yes I did”


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 10, 2017)

petee said:


> Creepy hermit crab uses discarded doll's head as shell
> 
> 
> 
> Spoiler


----------



## existentialist (Sep 11, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> How on earth did this make the front page of a 'national' daily newspaper?
> 
> View attachment 115404
> 
> Oh, it's Wales, silly me.


Harsh


----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 11, 2017)




----------



## Siouxsie (Sep 12, 2017)

You'd never be able to get hold of Paul!


----------



## Siouxsie (Sep 12, 2017)

"Naturists accused of 'naked aggression' at beach made famous by Richard Curtis film"
Naturists accused of 'naked aggression' at beach made famous by Richard Curtis film


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 13, 2017)

Good ol' _Post_:


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 14, 2017)

Lizard rescue turns out to be dirty sock


----------



## Badgers (Sep 16, 2017)




----------



## Libertad (Sep 16, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 115688



To be fair that would fuck me off as well.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 16, 2017)




----------



## Badgers (Sep 16, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 16, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 115688



Looks like the reason why it is on permanently is because his bushes are interfering with the light sensor thing on the top - so it is his fault entirely.


----------



## MrSki (Sep 16, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 16, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 16, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 16, 2017)




----------



## Libertad (Sep 16, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



Fair enough.


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 16, 2017)

Just a fine seems lenient


----------



## MrSki (Sep 16, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 16, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 16, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 16, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 16, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 115701


Sure it wasn't a dog?


----------



## MrSki (Sep 16, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 16, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



I hear that investigators followed the perpetrator's trail all the way along the M62, then the A494, A55 and finally A525 all the way into Wales


----------



## quiet guy (Sep 16, 2017)

DP


----------



## quiet guy (Sep 16, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Impressive skilzz


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 16, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



Fez909's old neighbour, no doubt.  



MrSki said:


>



teuchter


----------



## hash tag (Sep 18, 2017)

Firefighters forced to use power tools to free a man's penis after getting it stuck in 2.5kg weight plate

3hours to free it


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 19, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 20, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 20, 2017)




----------



## Maggot (Sep 21, 2017)

From the LA Times

*Topless carwash raises cash for deputies wounded in gun battle at Rastafarian pot farm*

Topless carwash raises cash for deputies wounded in gun battle at Rastafarian pot farm


----------



## T & P (Sep 21, 2017)




----------



## Siouxsie (Sep 21, 2017)

Waiting for your crumpets to brown is a very anxious time....I feel for the poor man


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 21, 2017)




----------



## Siouxsie (Sep 21, 2017)

Did you make a complaint


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 21, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Did you make a complaint



Fuck off.


----------



## Siouxsie (Sep 21, 2017)

Touchy!


----------



## JimW (Sep 21, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Touchy!


It's when he gets touchy-feely you really need to watch out


----------



## Siouxsie (Sep 21, 2017)

JimW said:


> It's when he gets touchy-feely you really need to watch out


Is that the time to get scared!


----------



## 8den (Sep 21, 2017)

It's the times, but good sub-editing is good sub-editing.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 21, 2017)

Love ^^^ it.


----------



## petee (Sep 22, 2017)

Please Do Not Pet the Radioactive Puppies of Chernobyl


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 23, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 26, 2017)

Has this been posted yet?


----------



## MrSki (Sep 26, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 26, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 26, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



Karma.  

eta - I initially misread that as a 'hoverflight' and wondered whether it would be possible to cross the Atlantic in a hovercraft.


----------



## MrSki (Sep 26, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Karma.
> 
> eta - I initially misread that as a 'hoverflight' and wondered whether it would be possible to cross the Atlantic in a hovercraft.


I doubt it. it would run out of hover after a couple of hours.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 26, 2017)

MrSki said:


> I doubt it. it would run out of hover after a couple of hours.



Need a mid-Atlantic refuelling tanker.


----------



## Ponyutd (Sep 27, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 27, 2017)




----------



## Siouxsie (Sep 27, 2017)

Poor George 
I wonder if he saw his own demise!


----------



## OzT (Sep 28, 2017)

Wotza psychic pheasant?????


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 28, 2017)

OzT said:


> Wotza psychic pheasant?????



Made up bullshit by a local weirdo probably.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 29, 2017)

Why the man who queued outside Sheffield IKEA from 4am was left 'very disappointed'



> I got here about 4am. I was out looking for a lost dog and whilst I was driving back I thought, why not get in the queue for IKEA?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 29, 2017)

neonwilderness said:


> Why the man who queued outside Sheffield IKEA from 4am was left 'very disappointed'





> He said: "What a disappointment. I queued from 4am and didn't even get a thank-you from the store manager or a certificate saying I was first.



Oh, bless, the dickhead.


----------



## Siouxsie (Sep 29, 2017)

OzT said:


> Wotza psychic pheasant?????


All you have to worry about is did George get a visit from any goats...thinking about it that's what might have killed him, the stress of his 'visions' 



farmerbarleymow said:


> Made up bullshit by a local weirdo probably.


There's nothing wrong with local weirdos


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 29, 2017)

This might have been posted before.


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 29, 2017)

*"They were out for trouble": Man injured in the New Forest after being bitten and attacked by "gang" of pigs*




> “At this stage we are looking into the situation to ascertain exactly what took place and trying to identify the pigs in question.”


----------



## Libertad (Sep 29, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> *"They were out for trouble": Man injured in the New Forest after being bitten and attacked by "gang" of pigs*



You can bet they weren't wearing their numbers.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Sep 30, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 1, 2017)




----------



## dessiato (Oct 1, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


>



WTF!!

She tattooed her eyeball? Or, equally stupid IMO, someone did it to her?

How can people be so utterly stupid?


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 1, 2017)

but eyeball tattoos are a thing, you can have your eyeballs coloured in. Must have been a botch job


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 1, 2017)

dessiato said:


> WTF!!
> 
> She tattooed her eyeball? Or, equally stupid IMO, someone did it to her?
> 
> How can people be so utterly stupid?



I was about to post exactly the same.

How fucking stupid can people be?


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 1, 2017)

This is how eyeball tattoos are supposed to work


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 1, 2017)

DotCommunist said:


> but eyeball tattoos are a thing...


... for seriously stupid people.


----------



## dessiato (Oct 1, 2017)

Just read this

A model decided to tattoo her eyeball. She's now partially blind and in 'excruciating' pain.

WTF!


----------



## hash tag (Oct 1, 2017)

Why would you do that?
has she not heard of contact lenses...the colouring, patterns etc. Could be changed daily


----------



## MrSki (Oct 3, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 3, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 3, 2017)




----------



## dessiato (Oct 3, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


There's lots of similar headlines. Apparently some people have severe allergies to bananas which can lead to anaphylaxis. Which I only found out as a result of your post. You taught me something!


----------



## MrSki (Oct 3, 2017)




----------



## dessiato (Oct 3, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


He's in my class every week.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 3, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



Not a beer drinker mind - he's more of a spirit man, though he rarely says no to a bit of wine


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 3, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



This one smells a bit funny


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Oct 4, 2017)

Not exactly local, but :



> Police say a Wyoming man they arrested for public intoxication claimed he had traveled back in time to warn people of aliens coming.
> 
> Casper police say the man they encountered about 10:30 p.m. Monday claimed he was from the year 2048.
> 
> ...



Man arrested in Casper for public intoxication claims time travel


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 5, 2017)

dessiato said:


> He's in my class every week.


Jesus or the dog?


----------



## dessiato (Oct 5, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Jesus or the dog?


Jesus.


----------



## hiccup (Oct 5, 2017)

Exiting times in Southport.


----------



## danny la rouge (Oct 5, 2017)

"Great news for music fans" controversially redefined.


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 5, 2017)

40 notes for a buble tribute act? fuck me


----------



## danny la rouge (Oct 5, 2017)

DotCommunist said:


> 40 notes for a buble tribute act? fuck me


At the King Robert Hotel? That's for a dinner/dance/cabaret Christmas party. Dreadful place. It's been cheesy since the 70s.

Trust Urban to notice the advert and not the story I was referring to. Ffs.


----------



## danny la rouge (Oct 5, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> This might have been posted before.
> 
> View attachment 116686




That's remarkable. Is it the Stoke Sentinal?


----------



## kabbes (Oct 5, 2017)

danny la rouge said:


> At the King Robert Hotel? That's for a dinner/dance/cabaret Christmas party. Dreadful place. It's been cheesy since the 70s.
> 
> Trust Urban to notice the advert and not the story I was referring to. Ffs.


Personally, my focus was on the revision to the marathon route.  How do I find out more?


----------



## danny la rouge (Oct 5, 2017)

kabbes said:


> Personally, my focus was on the revision to the marathon route.  How do I find out more?


Page 8.


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 5, 2017)

the photo doesn't show how much the lionel ritchie and motown tribute is. I'd go to that for 15 pounds


----------



## hot air baboon (Oct 5, 2017)

nice bunch down Twickenham way


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 6, 2017)

(((gerbil)))


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 6, 2017)

Ten organs?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 6, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 6, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 6, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 6, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 6, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 6, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 117181


Think that's the one outside Pizza Express


----------



## quimcunx (Oct 6, 2017)

Everybody was flung poo fighting — Carnoustie kids make mess of residential street - The Courier


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 6, 2017)

quimcunx said:


> Everybody was flung poo fighting — Carnoustie kids make mess of residential street - The Courier



Excellent headline.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 6, 2017)

Another fine effort from the _Post_:

'Penis and testicles-shaped blob' washed up on beach is NOT human








> “It was badly decomposed and it could literally be anything,” said a police source. “A penis and testicles isn’t the first thing I would have thought of when I saw the picture of it, but who knows.”


----------



## petee (Oct 7, 2017)

Cat Alan Leader Confirms Independence


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 7, 2017)

Squashing day: how going to the garden with washing basket is a narrow squeak

It’s worth watching the video too for some exaggerated walking up some stairs with difficulty 

Someone should mention to her that she could just turn the basket through 90 degrees


----------



## Voley (Oct 7, 2017)

neonwilderness said:


> Squashing day: how going to the garden with washing basket is a narrow squeak
> 
> It’s worth watching the video too for some exaggerated walking up some stairs with difficulty
> 
> Someone should mention to her that she could just turn the basket through 90 degrees


Sadly, that video won't play on my phone. I think I'll complain. Using the words 'misery' and 'trauma.'


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 7, 2017)

Voley said:


> Sadly, that video won't play on my phone. I think I'll complain. Using the words 'misery' and 'trauma.'


Can you get a photo of you pointing at the video not playing on the phone and looking a bit sad?


----------



## Voley (Oct 7, 2017)

neonwilderness said:


> Can you get a photo of you pointing at the video not playing on the phone and looking a bit sad?


Perhaps a rival newspaper could film this and put it up on their site? If it doesn't work when you try to play it they could claim that their readers could share the trauma. Interactive abject misery. There's money in this, I reckon.


----------



## Wilf (Oct 8, 2017)

neonwilderness said:


> Someone should mention to her that she could just turn the basket through 90 degrees


SSSSShhhh!  I'm on Dragon's Den next week and want £5m for a 10% share in my Rotatable Washing Basket Company.


----------



## hash tag (Oct 8, 2017)

quimcunx said:


> Everybody was flung poo fighting — Carnoustie kids make mess of residential street - The Courier



Of course carnoustie is a hive of activity and civil unrest. I knew someone from there who was reported to the bill for driving through a puddle and splashing someone. He was made to pay for cleaning, I think.


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Oct 8, 2017)

I can only assume it's because no one has entered 

Theresa May Christmas Card competition deadline extended by two weeks


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 8, 2017)

Typo, innit, should read... Theresa May Christmas Cull competition deadline extended by two weeks.


----------



## hash tag (Oct 8, 2017)

QueenOfGoths said:


> I can only assume it's because no one has entered
> 
> Theresa May Christmas Card competition deadline extended by two weeks


----------



## cyberfairy (Oct 8, 2017)

Could you be the next


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 9, 2017)

How the fuck did they manage to do that?
Six men get away on one moped after robbery at high-end jewellers in London


----------



## chandlerp (Oct 10, 2017)

Obvious really.  Two of them went first, then the driver came back for another one a few times


----------



## Libertad (Oct 10, 2017)

chandlerp said:


> Obvious really.  Two of them went first, then the driver came back for another one a few times



And then the goat and finally the cabbage.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 10, 2017)

http://nypost.com/2016/11/23/suicide-bomber-squirrel-sends-anti-squirrel-politician-to-hospital/


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 10, 2017)

That's wonderful....Poetic justice at it's finest


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 10, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> That's wonderful....Poetic justice at it's finest



But what about the poor squirrel?  

Hope it got took to squirrel hospital. 

(((squirrel)))


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 10, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> But what about the poor squirrel?
> 
> Hope it got took to squirrel hospital.
> 
> (((squirrel)))


You know my thoughts on squirrels!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 10, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> You know my thoughts on squirrels!



Yes, you run a squirrel hospital and rehabilitation centre in the leafy Cheshire countryside. Because you love squirrels like a normal human being.


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 10, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Yes, you run a squirrel hospital and rehabilitation centre in the leafy Cheshire countryside. Because you love squirrels like a normal human being.


I do worry about you!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 10, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> I do worry about you!



In hell you'll be tormented by giant evil squirrels for eternity.


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 10, 2017)

If the image of me in torment makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside..carry on


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 10, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> If the image of me in torment makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside..carry on



No, it makes me feel sorry for the poor giant evil squirrels.


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 10, 2017)

It's a good job I've got a soft spot for you*

*the bottom of the manky pond


----------



## OzT (Oct 11, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


 
Angry vegans on the rampage again?????


----------



## Badgers (Oct 11, 2017)




----------



## twentythreedom (Oct 11, 2017)

Am at a pub just down the road from my house, proudly displaying a local newspaper article in the bogs.

First I read this and was quite impressed:



But on reading the criteria for the award, I'm not so sure 



You'd think it might be down to a good range of drinks, lovely staff, friendly atmosphere etc. But no, it comes down to how lesser an amount of damage and injury is inflicted on the patrons and their children 

(((where I live)))


----------



## dessiato (Oct 11, 2017)

twentythreedom said:


> Am at a pub just down the road from my house, proudly displaying a local newspaper article in the bogs.
> 
> First I read this and was quite impressed:
> 
> ...


Why are children being protected from training? Is this a new way the govt has found to force people into lifelong servitude?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 11, 2017)

dessiato said:


> Why are children being protected from training? Is this a new way the govt has found to force people into lifelong servitude?



The dreaded NIMBYism I'm afraid.  Anything foreign and new they are automatically against.


----------



## twentythreedom (Oct 11, 2017)

dessiato said:


> Why are children being protected from training? Is this a new way the govt has found to force people into lifelong servitude?


Universal Credit


----------



## extra dry (Oct 12, 2017)




----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 12, 2017)

extra dry said:


> View attachment 117651


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Oct 12, 2017)

How the University of New Hampshire spun blowing a frugal librarian's donation on a stupid football scoreboard


Pickman's model


----------



## hash tag (Oct 12, 2017)

No doubt it will improve their useless football teams performance no end and in turn will provide great publicity for the university.
reminds me a bit of mean machine...a film where a prison governor will stop at nothing to have the best prison football team.


----------



## hash tag (Oct 12, 2017)

This is as good a thread as any for this

Angry doctor tells sick patient to 'get the f*** out of my office' when she complains about surgery wait

Doctor tells patient 'get the f*** out' of clinic when she complains about wait

Thank goodness for the NHS.


----------



## hash tag (Oct 13, 2017)

Gatwick Express cancelled, IN CASE of leaves on the line 

Trains cancelled in case of leaves


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Oct 13, 2017)

in other railway news, trains in the Northwest will be a little more punctual perhaps..

*Carnforth railway station clock on time again after 11-month standstill*


----------



## chainsawjob (Oct 13, 2017)

I wondered what the fish did, jumped out at him in a scary manner?  Shouldn't laugh, but it turns out I wasn't far wrong Paramedics save man after he swallows whole live dover sole

Glad he was ok, what a terrifying ordeal that must have been!


----------



## dessiato (Oct 13, 2017)

chainsawjob said:


> View attachment 117726
> 
> I wondered what the fish did, jumped out at him in a scary manner?  Shouldn't laugh, but it turns out I wasn't far wrong Paramedics save man after he swallows whole live dover sole
> 
> Glad he was ok, what a terrifying ordeal that must have been!


I've never understood the kissing a fish thing. Now I'll definitely not do it. I've had enough issues around fish.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 13, 2017)

dessiato said:


> I've never understood the kissing a fish thing. Now I'll definitely not do it. I've had enough issues around fish.


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 13, 2017)




----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 14, 2017)

chainsawjob said:


> Glad he was ok, what a terrifying ordeal that must have been!


Sod him, what about the fish...poor (Dover) sole!


----------



## Poi E (Oct 14, 2017)

la fin for the fish, I'm afraid


----------



## twentythreedom (Oct 14, 2017)

Obviously stolen due to goatse likeness. 4ft across


----------



## danny la rouge (Oct 14, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> View attachment 117759


I wonder how many search parties were lost too?


----------



## kabbes (Oct 14, 2017)

When they get caught and sent to jail. I hope they doughnut pass go.


----------



## DJWrongspeed (Oct 14, 2017)

It's all happening in Wellington, Devon. Saw this one in September this year.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 14, 2017)

DJWrongspeed said:


> It's all happening in Wellington, Devon. Saw this one in September this year.
> 
> View attachment 117788


Without knowing the parties involved, my default instinct is to back the crow.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 14, 2017)

DJWrongspeed said:


> It's all happening in Wellington, Devon. Saw this one in September this year.
> 
> View attachment 117788



This upsets me, I am going to start a campaign to move Wellington back into Somerset.


----------



## petee (Oct 14, 2017)

Opposition mounts to proposed Dairy Queen-turned-slaughterhouse on Walden


----------



## DJWrongspeed (Oct 14, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> This upsets me, I am going to start a campaign to move Wellington back into Somerset.


You're quite right, i was in Hemyock, Devon at the time.


----------



## Wilf (Oct 14, 2017)

The sad thing is, I'd read every single story on this thread.


----------



## MrSki (Oct 15, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 15, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 15, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


*DESSERT WARRIORS
WAGE PUDDING JIHAD*


----------



## MrSki (Oct 16, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 16, 2017)

The real ingredients in fried chicken takeaways revealed shocker.


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 16, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 16, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> View attachment 117943


Well spotted


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 17, 2017)

Quirky Edwardian toilet which housed 7ft tall penis and vagina for sale


----------



## BoxRoom (Oct 17, 2017)

chainsawjob said:


> View attachment 117726
> 
> I wondered what the fish did, jumped out at him in a scary manner?  Shouldn't laugh, but it turns out I wasn't far wrong Paramedics save man after he swallows whole live dover sole
> 
> Glad he was ok, what a terrifying ordeal that must have been!


He's the sole survivor.


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 17, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Quirky Edwardian toilet which housed 7ft tall penis and vagina for sale


That tiled floor is beautiful....wouldn't fancy sniffing it though after all those splashes and drips!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 17, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> That tiled floor is beautiful....wouldn't fancy sniffing it though after all those splashes and drips!


I can actually attest that when it still functioned as a public toilet it was actually rather pleasant for a gents'.


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 18, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> I can actually attest that when it still functioned as a public toilet it was actually rather pleasant for a gents'.


That's nice to know, it's such a shame when people disrespect old buildings. Even if they are toilets.


----------



## Calamity1971 (Oct 18, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> That's nice to know, it's such a shame when people disrespect old buildings. Even if they are toilets.


You would love these Siouxsie. I've been in them for a gander. The ladies by comparison are awful. Originally a gentleman's club so ladies toilets added after we were allowed out of the scullery.

Gent's toilets!  - Picture of The Philharmonic Dining Rooms, Liverpool - TripAdvisor


----------



## Badgers (Oct 18, 2017)




----------



## Badgers (Oct 18, 2017)




----------



## Wilf (Oct 18, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 118082


"If someone is doing this in a bag, they may not be the most suitable person to have a gun"

That's right up there with "there's no place for political correctness in first aid".


----------



## Wilf (Oct 18, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 118082


That ticks all the boxes of local press photography composition.


----------



## BoatieBird (Oct 18, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 118083



That would have made my day!


----------



## Wilf (Oct 18, 2017)

BoatieBird said:


> That would have made my day!


Thing that would have worried me was if it was a _labelling system_ for the contents: "right, I'll put a 'C' in the boxes for chickenburgers and a...."


----------



## Wilf (Oct 18, 2017)

God, it must be great being a local press photographer:

"Look downcast"
- How do you mean?
"Imagine you've waited in all day for an amazon delivery"
- I don't go on amazon
"Ok, try thinking about England's match against Slovenia"
- I don't follow football
"*OH FUCK IT, JUST POINT AT SOMETHING*!!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 18, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 118082





Wilf said:


> That ticks all the boxes of local press photography composition.





Wilf said:


> God, it must be great being a local press photographer:
> 
> "Look downcast"
> - How do you mean?
> ...



That's some peak local rag pointing 

Angry Councillors Pointing At Things
Glum Councillors
https://apiln.co.uk


----------



## Wilf (Oct 18, 2017)

"And if elected, I promise to stand quite close to things".


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 18, 2017)

steamy? whats wrong with rude?

steamy suggests its something arousing, as if anyones ever rubbed one out to a biro drawing of a cock


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 18, 2017)

The balls look a little weird, also there is no....errr spurting ....very poor drawing and should have had more effort in, obviously done by someone with no pride in their work


----------



## Wilf (Oct 18, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> The balls look a little weird, also there is no....errr spurting ....very poor drawing and should have had more effort in, obviously done by someone with no pride in their work


Yes, I wouldn't even use that drawing on a ballot paper.


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 18, 2017)

Calamity1971 said:


> You would love these Siouxsie. I've been in them for a gander. The ladies by comparison are awful. Originally a gentleman's club so ladies toilets added after we were allowed out of the scullery.
> 
> Gent's toilets!  - Picture of The Philharmonic Dining Rooms, Liverpool - TripAdvisor


They really are beautiful....not sure about Bill Oddie having a wee! 
The tile work is stunning... and the ceilings.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Oct 18, 2017)

FUCKING TREES.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 18, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> The balls look a little weird, also there is no....errr spurting ....very poor drawing and should have had more effort in, obviously done by someone with no pride in their work



That's what the sachet of mayonnaise is for - artistic licence in completing the picture.


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 18, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> That's what the sachet of mayonnaise is for - artistic licence in completing the picture.


You always lower the tone


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 18, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> You always lower the tone



You've just got no imagination.


----------



## Siouxsie (Oct 18, 2017)

Call me strange but I don't imagine a deformed penis when I open a sachet of mayonnaise!
What with this_ and_ threatening to push a cute little carol singer onto the railway lines....you need reporting.


----------



## Wilf (Oct 18, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Call me strange but I don't imagine a deformed penis when I open a sachet of mayonnaise!


 _Really_?


----------



## krtek a houby (Oct 18, 2017)

DotCommunist said:


> as if anyones ever rubbed one out to a biro drawing of a cock



The pen is mightier than the sword


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 18, 2017)




----------



## ringo (Oct 18, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Most towns just make do with a Bonfire Night Procession


----------



## gosub (Oct 19, 2017)

‘Drug’ dealer complained to police about threats


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 19, 2017)

Another headline malfunction.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 19, 2017)

Not just the headline, but still

Reggae legend Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry turns up in Mario’s Cafe
_Musician nails coin to a tree in Kelly Street - nobody knows why_


----------



## Badgers (Oct 21, 2017)




----------



## UrbaneFox (Oct 21, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 118377


That is pathetic. You are having us on, and posting fake news.


----------



## Opera Buffa (Oct 21, 2017)




----------



## alan_ (Oct 21, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 118377


did he also steal a lighter?


----------



## Badgers (Oct 21, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 21, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 118391


*MYXOMATISIS   *


----------



## Voley (Oct 21, 2017)

Artaxerxes said:


> FUCKING TREES.



''The MENACE of trees.''


----------



## Poi E (Oct 21, 2017)

UrbaneFox said:


> That is pathetic. You are having us on, and posting fake news.



Total policing. Today's pound shop thief is tomorrow's armed robber.


----------



## UrbaneFox (Oct 21, 2017)

Badgers stands in danger of bringing the thread into disrepute.


----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 21, 2017)

From the Grimsby Evening Telegraph:


----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 21, 2017)

Pickman's model dessiato John Petit's butchers has closed suddenly after 125 years!


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 21, 2017)

S☼I said:


> Pickman's model dessiato John Petit's butchers has closed suddenly after 125 years!


----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 21, 2017)

Was quite spenny but have always got chipolatas, haslet and a big pork pie from there every Christmas


----------



## dessiato (Oct 21, 2017)

S☼I said:


> Pickman's model dessiato John Petit's butchers has closed suddenly after 125 years!


Do you have a link about that?


----------



## dessiato (Oct 21, 2017)

Pickman's model etc.

Links here re Petitts 

News - Latest news from Grimsby and the UK - Grimsby Telegraph


----------



## Maggot (Oct 21, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 118391


----------



## MrSki (Oct 23, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 23, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 23, 2017)




----------



## hash tag (Oct 23, 2017)

*Police: Man duck hunting accidentally shoots, kills self in Sherwood*

Quackers! Police: Man duck hunting accidentally shoots, kills self in Sherwood


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 23, 2017)




----------



## Wilf (Oct 23, 2017)

*'RIP Folkestone lorry park' says retired truck driver who has written a poem on its closure*

Truck driver bids RIP to the Folkestone lorry park every single day


----------



## MrSki (Oct 25, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 25, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 25, 2017)




----------



## hash tag (Oct 25, 2017)

They were sitting on that one for far to long.


----------



## Yossarian (Oct 25, 2017)

The council is going to be looking for the stool pigeon who gave that story to the Echo.


----------



## Santino (Oct 25, 2017)

I wouldn't couch it in quite those terms.


----------



## Wilf (Oct 25, 2017)

Santino said:


> I wouldn't couch it in quite those terms.


But it'*s of a* piece with some of the other posts in this thread.


----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 25, 2017)

"A council spokesperson reclined to comment"


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 25, 2017)

divan knows I'm miserable now


----------



## Wilf (Oct 25, 2017)

S☼I said:


> "A council spokesperson reclined to comment"


Not what you'd expect from the seat of government.


----------



## JimW (Oct 25, 2017)

It might have set a benchmark but really it falls between two stools.


----------



## Wilf (Oct 25, 2017)

JimW said:


> It might have set a benchmark but really it falls between two stools.


If you think that you are off your rocker. 

[coat]


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 25, 2017)

They don't have a leg to stand on with this


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 25, 2017)

Yossarian said:


> The council is going to be looking for the stool pigeon who gave that story to the Echo.


As politically partisan planted stories go, this is definitely a case of sofa so good.


----------



## Wilf (Oct 25, 2017)

DotCommunist said:


> divan knows I'm miserable now


A divan? That's a purchase longed for in our house.


----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 25, 2017)

Wilf said:


> A divan? That's a purchase longed for in our house.


I wish I'd held back with my 'reclined' joke now tbh.


----------



## Silas Loom (Oct 25, 2017)

Settle down, all of you.


----------



## Wilf (Oct 25, 2017)

S☼I said:


> I wish I'd held back with my 'reclined' joke now tbh.


Oh, just try and wing it.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 25, 2017)

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that - pouf - he's gone.


----------



## Pickman's model (Oct 25, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 25, 2017)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 118738


Sexton drags on rock'n'roll.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 25, 2017)

Vaseline-Covered Oklahoma Man in Thong Pulled Over for Speeding


----------



## Badgers (Oct 25, 2017)




----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 26, 2017)

No doubt it will be the fault of a swarthy foreigner.


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 27, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> No doubt it will be the fault of a swarthy foreigner. View attachment 118879


I don't think I've read that one


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 27, 2017)

Orang Utan said:


> I don't think I've read that one


Blyton's late period definitely took a turn for the dark


----------



## Badgers (Oct 28, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 30, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 30, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 30, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 30, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 30, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 30, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 30, 2017)




----------



## krtek a houby (Oct 30, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 30, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Oct 30, 2017)




----------



## OzT (Oct 30, 2017)

^^^^^  shouldn't that also come under First World Problems?


----------



## Wilf (Oct 30, 2017)

OzT said:


> ^^^^^  shouldn't that also come under First World Problems?


No, it happened in Sheffield.


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 30, 2017)

*Bus driver egged by unruly fare-dodging teen then helped by Devil woman*



> The scenes, which were improbable enough to be affixed with a #scenes, were captured on camera and communicated on Snapchat, by a young woman



This story has everything and nothing.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 31, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> *Bus driver egged by unruly fare-dodging teen then helped by Devil woman*
> 
> 
> 
> This story has everything and nothing.


Told in great detail over a blisteringly large number of words, n’all


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 1, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



I think they meant to say

*HEHUWH 
HOWE HY
HENHURRS*


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 1, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 119134


I'm sad for Ms Wilson's change-related woes, but why did the paper feel the need to illustrate the article with a picture of Alvin Stardust? Are they out of their tiny minds or something?


----------



## Wilf (Nov 1, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> I'm sad for Ms Wilson's change-related woes, but why did the paper feel the need to illustrate the article with a picture of Alvin Stardust? Are they out of their tiny minds or something?


I had intended to illustrate my article about purchasing a bag chips and a box of pins via the new contactless technology with a picture of Shakin Stevens. Now you've spoiled that. 

((((The Green Door))))


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 1, 2017)

Wilf said:


> I had intended to illustrate my article about purchasing a bag chips and a box of pins via the new contactless technology with a picture of Shakin Stevens. Now you've spoiled that.
> 
> ((((The Green Door))))


Dave Cinzano - ruining small pleasures since 1977


----------



## Wilf (Nov 1, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Dave Cinzano - ruining small pleasures since 1977


Don't undermine my seminal Showaddywaddy related account of the banking bailout, I beg you.


----------



## OzT (Nov 1, 2017)

Showaddywaddy vs Shaky sing off, be a good gig!!


----------



## hash tag (Nov 1, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 119134



shopper left fuming - no change there then.


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 1, 2017)




----------



## hash tag (Nov 2, 2017)

I hope not, I don't want to be hit by a train of any size, or type!


----------



## Indeliblelink (Nov 3, 2017)

*German police find 'WW2 bomb' was big courgette*


----------



## petee (Nov 3, 2017)

Giant wooden penis appears on top of a mountain | Metro News



> The Oetscher penis is not the only phallus controversy to excite Austrians this year.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 4, 2017)

"With us, not only winter is coming." 
Mrs Tag also often asks where has that thing come from or how did that get there?


----------



## hash tag (Nov 4, 2017)

*Pharmacy defends putting 'testicles' in its window display after 'upsetting' complaint*

Pharmacy defends displaying 'testicles' in window after complaint


----------



## Steel Icarus (Nov 4, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Alvin Stardust


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 4, 2017)

hash tag said:


> *Pharmacy defends putting 'testicles' in its window display after 'upsetting' complaint*
> 
> Pharmacy defends displaying 'testicles' in window after complaint





> Manager Lynda Kelley came up with the idea to *place a pair of testicles on a pillow with the phrase “how well are you looking after your Crown Jewels?”* as a way of getting people to be more vigilant about testicular cancer.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 4, 2017)

I've checked, they are not mine, besides mine look nothing like that


----------



## kabbes (Nov 6, 2017)

Never has it been more plain just how far we are beyond peak "keep calm and..." than is the case by seeing a pharmacy put up 18 A4 posters saying "keep calm and check your balls".


----------



## T & P (Nov 6, 2017)

Whoever made the complaint should be tarred and feathered in the town square.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 6, 2017)

*Better suited to a cricketer's jockstrap': Dismay in Woking over name of controversial sports centre*

New sports centre name 'better suited to a cricketer's jockstrap'


----------



## kabbes (Nov 7, 2017)

hash tag said:


> *Better suited to a cricketer's jockstrap': Dismay in Woking over name of controversial sports centre*
> 
> New sports centre name 'better suited to a cricketer's jockstrap'


It’s “sportsbox”, for those who can’t be bothered to click the link.  Which doesn’t seem so bad, really.


----------



## Wilf (Nov 7, 2017)

hash tag said:


> *Better suited to a cricketer's jockstrap': Dismay in Woking over name of controversial sports centre*
> 
> New sports centre name 'better suited to a cricketer's jockstrap'


'A feeling of dismay in Mayford'
Panic on the streets of london
panic on the streets of birmingham
i wonder to myself
could life ever be sane again?
the leeds side-streets that you slip down
i wonder to myself
hopes may rise on the grasmere
but honey pie, you're not safe here
so you run down
to the safety of the town
but there's panic on the streets of carlisle
dublin, dundee, humberside
i wonder to myself
Burn down the disco
hang the blessed dj
because the music that they constantly play
it says nothing to me about my life


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 8, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Nov 9, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 9, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> View attachment 119980


I imagine it was caerphilly planned


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 9, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Brian May's Goose Fury sounds like a band I want to hear


----------



## hash tag (Nov 10, 2017)

I'm sorry, I musn't laugh. People should take guns more seriously...

*Egypt bridegroom shot in genitals during celebrations*

Celebrating bridegroom shot in genitals


----------



## hash tag (Nov 10, 2017)

What a dick. Horror photos show fitness fanatic's manhood stuck in a weight


----------



## MrSki (Nov 10, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Nov 10, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Nov 10, 2017)




----------



## Wilf (Nov 10, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


When I'm driving, my fervent hope is that people throw chips _into_ the car.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 10, 2017)




----------



## Voley (Nov 10, 2017)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 120249


Disappointing that they didn't tell us how much the 0.01 grammes of coke was worth. When my mate got popped in Penzance 'The Cornishman' reported that he was ''in possession of cannabis with a street value of three pounds fifty.'


----------



## MrSki (Nov 10, 2017)

Voley said:


> Disappointing that they didn't tell us how much the 0.01 grammes of coke was worth. When my mate got popped in Penzance 'The Cornishman' reported that he was ''in possession of cannabis with a street value of three pounds fifty.'


Yeah would be more embarrassing to be caught in possession of fifty pence worth of snorbitz.


----------



## UrbaneFox (Nov 10, 2017)

MrSki said:


>



The offence? Greasy Bodily Harm?


----------



## T & P (Nov 10, 2017)

I reckon a good scraping with a razor blade could produce 0.01 gr of cocaine from the banknotes in anyone’s wallet. Talk about being framed.


----------



## kabbes (Nov 11, 2017)

hash tag said:


> What a dick. Horror photos show fitness fanatic's manhood stuck in a weight


Under the line comment: he went from a dumbbell to a numb bell


----------



## krtek a houby (Nov 11, 2017)

It's not local but made me laugh all the same

Suspect's farts end police interview


----------



## Enviro (Nov 13, 2017)

*Bristol man caught in sex toy prank thought Royal Mail mistook parcel for bomb*


> “I’m not going to beat around the bush,” the 28-year-old tradesman said. “I was talking to my girlfriend and she said she wanted to spice things up. I was shocked to find a letter on the package my partner ordered in the mail.”...





> ...“I don’t know why they chose to investigate – it could have been because she ordered it to ‘Mike Rotch’. Maybe they thought it was a bomb.”


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 14, 2017)




----------



## Siouxsie (Nov 14, 2017)

They could've at least shown us a nice shot of the beer garden.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 14, 2017)




----------



## pesh (Nov 14, 2017)

Greggs says 'sorry' after Advent calendar launch replaces baby Jesus with sausage roll


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 14, 2017)

pesh said:


> Greggs says 'sorry' after Advent calendar launch replaces baby Jesus with sausage roll



Fucking brilliant, that cracked me up! 

Look at the photo.


----------



## Siouxsie (Nov 15, 2017)

It's not a foot long one is it!


----------



## alan_ (Nov 15, 2017)

I think it should be baby jesus sitiing in his pram eating a sausage roll/greggs dummy


----------



## Steel Icarus (Nov 15, 2017)

alan_ said:


> I think it should be baby jesus sitiing in his pram eating a sausage roll/greggs dummy


What's a Greggs Dummy?


----------



## chandlerp (Nov 15, 2017)

It's a shop that sells baked goods, no need to be rude.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 15, 2017)

Aldi recalls nuts - due to presence of nuts

Read more at: Aldi recalls nuts - due to presence of nuts


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 15, 2017)

hash tag said:


> Aldi recalls nuts - due to presence of nuts
> 
> Read more at: Aldi recalls nuts - due to presence of nuts



This reminds me of the The Logical Hairs' silly song about a salesman for 'Flanagan's Nut Free Nuts' - nuts designed for people with allergies!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 16, 2017)

You don't see the word haberdashery often these days.


----------



## iona (Nov 16, 2017)

Story here


----------



## hash tag (Nov 16, 2017)

The train you can see departing platform 2 

'Sincere apology' after Japanese train departs 20 seconds early


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 17, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> Fucking brilliant, that cracked me up!
> 
> Look at the photo.


----------



## Wilf (Nov 17, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 120609
> 
> You don't see the word haberdashery often these days.


I'm sure there's been a thread about it. 

okay, okay, I'm going..


----------



## trabuquera (Nov 17, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 120609
> 
> You don't see the word haberdashery often these days.



Not too many occurrences of "drive-by yoghurt attacks" either IME


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 17, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 120609
> 
> You don't see the word haberdashery often these days.


Been posted twice, IIRC, including when the act of biotic terrorism was actually committed


----------



## hash tag (Nov 17, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> It's not a foot long one is it!




Probably, but they wouldn't use it as a rule.


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 18, 2017)




----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 18, 2017)




----------



## hash tag (Nov 19, 2017)

Butcher has the last laugh with 'bulls***' sign during vegan protest


----------



## SpookyFrank (Nov 19, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 19, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> Been posted twice, IIRC, including when the act of biotic terrorism was actually committed



Maybe it was, pogo wannabe.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 19, 2017)

SpookyFrank said:


>


----------



## Stanley Edwards (Nov 19, 2017)

No idea why I just read this, but...

Arrest after over 50 phones stolen at Royal Blood's Arena Birmingham gig

It says 'arrest', as in just one person, and 53 phones. Seems the person/thief was targeting a specific band? Seriously? 53 phones in a single night. That has to be around €2,000 a night. Did they work in the locker room?


----------



## Wilf (Nov 19, 2017)

hash tag said:


> Butcher has the last laugh with 'bulls***' sign during vegan protest


Whilst the protest is uber naff, I was taken by this line in the story, from an enraged passer by:


> I was enraged that someone picked such an _inappropriate_ place to do their protest


 What's next, _Faslane_ _Anti-Nuclear Protesters condemned for their inappropriate venue?_


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 19, 2017)

From the Hereford Times in 2001

Four kestrels manoeuvre in the dark


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 19, 2017)

Wilf said:


> Whilst the protest is uber naff, I was taken by this line in the story, from an enraged passer by:
> What's next, _Faslane Anti-Nuclear Protesters condemned for their inappropriate venue?_


It is difficult to imagine a less inappropriate place for vegans to protest against meat than outside a butcher's shop


----------



## Siouxsie (Nov 20, 2017)

Ground Elder said:


> View attachment 120770


They need to pull themselves together!


----------



## chandlerp (Nov 20, 2017)

Orchestral man hoovers in the dark...unplugged


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 20, 2017)




----------



## BigTom (Nov 20, 2017)

Stanley Edwards said:


> No idea why I just read this, but...
> 
> Arrest after over 50 phones stolen at Royal Blood's Arena Birmingham gig
> 
> It says 'arrest', as in just one person, and 53 phones. Seems the person/thief was targeting a specific band? Seriously? 53 phones in a single night. That has to be around €2,000 a night. Did they work in the locker room?



No, pickpocketing in a crowded venue with many thousands of people, i don't think it'd be hard to steal a phone every couple of minutes over a couple of hours. It is a common tactic, usually in small group rather than an individual. Never go to a gig without zipped pockets.


----------



## Libertad (Nov 21, 2017)

BigTom said:


> No, pickpocketing in a crowded venue with many thousands of people, i don't think it'd be hard to steal a phone every couple of minutes over a couple of hours. It is a common tactic, usually in small group rather than an individual. Never go to a gig without zipped pockets.



Safety pins, just sayin.


----------



## Poi E (Nov 21, 2017)

Wilf said:


> Whilst the protest is uber naff, I was taken by this line in the story, from an enraged passer by:
> What's next, _Faslane Anti-Nuclear Protesters condemned for their inappropriate venue?_



Try pulling up there and see how quickly the fuzz come. The state clearly thinks it's the wrong venue.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 22, 2017)




----------



## fishfinger (Nov 23, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 121120


Fake news! It was probably just some marrows


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 23, 2017)

*Mick Hucknall, Ed Sheeran, and Chris Evans castrated in Wolverhampton*



> Features include calming pet music, ultra-soft bedding, a specialist cat ward and separate sound proofed wards for dogs, and exotic pets.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 23, 2017)

chandlerp said:


> Orchestral man hoovers in the dark...unplugged



OMD!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 24, 2017)

Not a headline as such, but I'll stick it here, as it's not worth a standalone thread.








> A regional publisher says it is working urgently with Google to understand how a “distasteful” survey asking readers to choose their favourite image from a set of children’s photos appeared on a story about child sex abuse.
> 
> The Google survey asked readers of Gazette Live – the online channel for the Teesside Gazette – to pick the the image they liked “best” in order to access a story headlined: “Cleveland Police investigating 20 to 30 historic child sexual abuse cases.”
> 
> ...


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 24, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> Not a headline as such, but I'll stick it here, as it's not worth a standalone thread.



They obviously didn't give any thought to what sort of stories a local paper is likely to run, and try and exclude the survey from running on those pages.  Surely that must be possible through keywords, or whatever.


----------



## Siouxsie (Nov 24, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 121120


"Giant courgette found in Barry Garden's undies"

cupid_stunt I'd sue if I was you...fancy stating your full name on the front page ' Barry Garden'.... shocking


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 24, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> "Giant courgette found in Barry Garden's undies"
> 
> cupid_stunt I'd sue if I was you...fancy stating your full name on the front page ' Barry Garden'.... shocking



It took me a moment, very good.


----------



## Magnus McGinty (Nov 24, 2017)

They have capes and everything!


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 24, 2017)

Posted this on the bandwidth thread but it also has a place here:
Aggressive Thanet man captured shouting “I’m a f***ing legend” before being tasered by police in front of a...


----------



## Siouxsie (Nov 24, 2017)

What a legend!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 25, 2017)

Orang Utan said:


> Posted this on the bandwidth thread but it also has a place here:
> Aggressive Thanet man captured shouting “I’m a f***ing legend” before being tasered by police in front of a...


How long before Aggressive Thanet Man is adopted as a psephological archetype by polling companies?


----------



## Mumbles274 (Nov 25, 2017)

DaveCinzano said:


> How long before Aggressive Thanet Man is adopted as a psephological archetype by polling companies?


i think he just ran for the seat, oh no, that was farrage


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 25, 2017)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 25, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 121314



My local rag, well the Worthing edition is, it's not surprising hardly anyone buys the rag nowadays.


----------



## Wilf (Nov 25, 2017)

Mumbles274 said:


> i think he just ran for the seat, oh no, that was farrage


Come friendly bombs and fall on... wherever Farage things he's got a chance.


----------



## Yossarian (Nov 25, 2017)

.


----------



## a_chap (Nov 25, 2017)

The headline's funny but the story's not.

RIP Jethro


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 25, 2017)

The headline is fucking stupid considering the circumstances IMO.


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 25, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 26, 2017)




----------



## Yossarian (Nov 26, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> The headline is fucking stupid considering the circumstances IMO.



Yeah, you're quite right, I've taken the post down - "Man Found Dead in Cemetery" is a funny headline but not funny at all when there's a human tragedy attached.


----------



## rekil (Nov 26, 2017)

Meath Chronicle - Road sign bent shortly after roundabout opens



> "It could have been a parent with a child walking there," he said.


----------



## Steel Icarus (Nov 26, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 121374


I know this very crossing


----------



## MrSki (Nov 27, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 27, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Nov 27, 2017)




----------



## Streathamite (Nov 27, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 121522


That doesn't count! It's either a trade mag or a hobbyists one. either way, not a local paper


----------



## T & P (Nov 27, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 121374


I'm a bit disappointed the swan didn't jump over the barrier, headbutted the oncoming train and continued on its way, tbh.


----------



## Siouxsie (Nov 28, 2017)

T & P said:


> I'm a bit disappointed the swan didn't jump over the barrier, headbutted the oncoming train and continued on its way, tbh.


Those onlookers were lucky as well,  they could have all ended up with broken arms!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 28, 2017)

Local rag, The Wokingham Paper, down plays a certain engagement.


----------



## cybershot (Nov 28, 2017)

'Totally inappropriate': Politician in shock at Christmas lights



> The moment I saw the Christmas lights I felt as though Keynsham had done a great job on erecting this year's lights.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 28, 2017)

cybershot said:


> 'Totally inappropriate': Politician in shock at Christmas lights



That's a classic.


----------



## Poi E (Nov 28, 2017)

Christmas isn't coming


----------



## Siouxsie (Nov 28, 2017)

It would have looked more white Christmassy(!) with a shooting star coming out of the top


----------



## DotCommunist (Nov 28, 2017)

Another town councillor, David Brassington, also pleased ignorance and said: “I hadn't noticed that, I was on the procession with Chuffy the train.”


local journalism can't afford sub eds


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 28, 2017)

DotCommunist said:


> Another town councillor, David Brassington, also pleased ignorance and said: “I hadn't noticed that, I was on the procession with Chuffy the train.”
> 
> 
> local journalism can't afford sub eds



Sub-editors have almost totally disappeared from local rags, 'reporters' or 'content providers' just write straight to template shapes nowadays. 

I am so glad to have escaped that world, before the serious cost saving shit started happening.  

RIP local press.


----------



## ddraig (Nov 28, 2017)

The man who decorated his home in tin foil got a very tidy present from Bacofoil
Festive too


----------



## OzT (Nov 29, 2017)

Poi E said:


> Christmas isn't coming


 
you sure? have you seem the picture above your post???????


----------



## Badgers (Nov 30, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 1, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 1, 2017)

'hateful octogenarian'


----------



## Wilf (Dec 1, 2017)

Siouxsie said:


> Those onlookers were lucky as well,  they could have all ended up with broken arms!


----------



## Wilf (Dec 1, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> 'hateful octogenarian'
> 
> View attachment 121801


Harry Brenton in action:


----------



## hash tag (Dec 1, 2017)

*Report: Dog Shoots Hunter In Northern Iowa*

He actually shot the man in the back!

Report: Dog Shoots Hunter In Northern Iowa


----------



## sealion (Dec 1, 2017)

Council trim bushes at beauty spot to try and stop dogging


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 1, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 121800


Somebody should have foiled the pooch


----------



## Poi E (Dec 1, 2017)

well done.


----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 1, 2017)

Fortean Times used to publish a regular round-up of 'animals shooting hunters' stories. It's more common than you'd think


----------



## Poi E (Dec 1, 2017)

hash tag said:


> He actually shot the man in the back!



Dirty dog.


----------



## hash tag (Dec 1, 2017)

Good dog, surely? He was protecting fellow "animals".


----------



## Poi E (Dec 1, 2017)

Well, give a few other hunters paws for thought.


----------



## T & P (Dec 2, 2017)

On a completely unrelated note, I can’t believe this thread and the equally popular ‘Local Paper Headlines’ haven’t been merged yet.


----------



## Corax (Dec 2, 2017)

For any twitterati who enjoy this thread, I can attest to the wisdom of following @CrapLocalNews.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 4, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 5, 2017)




----------



## JimW (Dec 5, 2017)

Next week he's opening a new branch of the Co-op in Blackburn


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 5, 2017)




----------



## Poi E (Dec 5, 2017)

She clearly crossed the line.


----------



## hash tag (Dec 5, 2017)

Was that instead of soliciting or whilst soliciting?


----------



## Poi E (Dec 5, 2017)

Probably from the wrong side of the tracks.


----------



## iona (Dec 5, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 6, 2017)

iona said:


>



Killed whilst he was by the laptop, someone killed with him the laptop or did his laptop gain malevolent sentience and kill him?


----------



## iona (Dec 6, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> Killed whilst he was by the laptop, someone killed with him the laptop or did his laptop gain malevolent sentience and kill him?



Pair went for cigarette before calling ambulance after watching father electrocuted | The Argus


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 6, 2017)

iona said:


> Pair went for cigarette before calling ambulance after watching father electrocuted | The Argus



That's a bit fucked up. Poor bloke.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Dec 6, 2017)

"However, the power was turned on while Mr Duplock was working on the computer and a shock of around 400 volts went through his body and killed him."

400V, that's a hell of a laptop...unless one of the smokers had plugged it into a 3-phase supply


----------



## TheHoodedClaw (Dec 6, 2017)

How? How?


----------



## Yossarian (Dec 6, 2017)

TheHoodedClaw said:


> How? How?




"100PT Splash? Is that some kind of waterpark? And it's heading here? Whatever, layout looks good to me..."


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 6, 2017)

TheHoodedClaw said:


> How? How?




I am amazed that actually reached any newsagents, I know local rags are under resourced, so a sub-editor could easily overlook adding a headline & strap-line under it, before the pages were sent to the press.

This sort of thing often happens on inside pages, but, I would have expected someone in the press hall to spot a cock-up that big on the front page, as the first few copies came off, resulting in a cry of 'stop the press', for a quick re-plating. 



> A regional daily front page has gone viral on social media after going to print without its splash headline.
> 
> Today’s Cambridge News, which is printed overnight, hit the news stands with the stock headline ‘100pt splash heading here.’
> 
> ...



Cambridge News front page blunder goes viral - Journalism News from HoldtheFrontPage


----------



## fen_boy (Dec 6, 2017)

Cambridge News laid a load of people off recently.


----------



## Poi E (Dec 6, 2017)

Someone was watching porn.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 6, 2017)

fen_boy said:


> Cambridge News laid a load of people off recently.



That's because it was part of the 'Local World' group, and there's been shed-loads of cut-backs across the country since Trinity Mirror took-over. Trinity Mirror is just as bad as the other two big regional press groups, Johnston Press & Newquest. 

I see Newsquest are doing their usual annual announcement of job losses, why they always seem to bloody do it on the run up to Christmas is beyond me. Cunts.


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 6, 2017)

local journalism now basically seems to be the preserve of the p/b with the right connections, theres no living wage in it, its newswire/internet/council press release re-writes and their websites are virtually unusable as they are all laden with adverts, autoplaying videos and reams of shite. Everything modern is rubbish


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 6, 2017)

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE has up-dated their article (see link I posted above):



> A regional daily editor has apologised to readers after today’s edition went to print without its splash headline.
> 
> Today’s Cambridge News, which is printed overnight, hit the news stands with the stock headline ‘100pt splash heading here.’
> 
> ...











> Said David: “I want to apologise sincerely to our readers for this mistake, which happened due to a technical problem.
> 
> “We are still looking into how this happened and want our readers to know we take this seriously.”



Technical problem, my arse, it happened due to being under-staffed & having a demoralised work force.


----------



## dessiato (Dec 6, 2017)

iona said:


>


Having dropped a laptop, and on another occasion a desktop, on my face I can imagine it isn't difficult to get very badly hurt by a computer.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 6, 2017)

DotCommunist said:


> local journalism now basically seems to be the preserve of the p/b with the right connections, theres no living wage in it, its newswire/internet/council press release re-writes and their websites are virtually unusable as they are all laden with adverts, autoplaying videos and reams of shite. Everything modern is rubbish



Totally agree with that, its been going down hill for years, sure the drift of advertising revenue to the internet hasn't helped, but plenty of blame rest with the big groups taking over most regional/local papers, and cutting resources to the bone. Funny how there's still a handful of decent independent papers out there, and managing to do their job well. 

I saw the way it was going years ago, and was glad to get out the industry.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 6, 2017)

dessiato said:


> Having dropped a laptop, and on another occasion a desktop, on my face I can imagine it isn't difficult to get very badly hurt by a computer.



How the fuck do you drop a desktop on your face. 

Only you could do that.


----------



## dessiato (Dec 6, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> How the fuck do you drop a desktop on your face.
> 
> Only you could do that.


I was under the desk, tried to pick up the tower and dropped it. With the laptop I was holding it above my head, while looking up at it trying to read the info on it. These things happen.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 6, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> I am amazed that actually reached any newsagents, I know local rags are under resourced, so a sub-editor could easily overlook adding a headline & strap-line under it, before the pages were sent to the press.
> 
> This sort of thing often happens on inside pages, but, *I would have expected someone in the press hall to spot a cock-up that big on the front page*, as the first few copies came off, resulting in a cry of 'stop the press', for a quick re-plating.
> 
> Cambridge News front page blunder goes viral - Journalism News from HoldtheFrontPage



BIB: One comment on the HTFP article suggests that the front page template may have crashed and reverted back to a saved version, which is certainly possible, but it should have been checked before going down the line. Most current comments agree with me that it should have been picked-up on in the press hall, when it started coming off the press.


----------



## killer b (Dec 6, 2017)

the original headline is a classic: the BBC's report of it is perfect.


----------



## Poi E (Dec 6, 2017)

Class.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 6, 2017)

killer b said:


> the original headline is a classic: the BBC's report of it is perfect.





See the discussion above.


----------



## UrbaneFox (Dec 7, 2017)

This should be in the Wolverhampton Evening Post but again the BBC is trying to destroy local newspapers by stealing their best stories.

Man 'cements microwave to his head'


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 8, 2017)

Not a headline, but another front page cock-up on the same day as the Cambridge News one, although in this case it's a crappy freebie, that's so unloved they struggle to sell the front page ad space, so they run a filler ad across the bottom, then partly cover it with a paid ad., what a mess. This is a Johnston Press rag.

 

Again, at the very latest, it should have been picked-up as the first copies came off the press.


----------



## existentialist (Dec 8, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> I am amazed that actually reached any newsagents, I know local rags are under resourced, so a sub-editor could easily overlook adding a headline & strap-line under it, before the pages were sent to the press.
> 
> This sort of thing often happens on inside pages, but, I would have expected someone in the press hall to spot a cock-up that big on the front page, as the first few copies came off, resulting in a cry of 'stop the press', for a quick re-plating.
> 
> ...


I do a kind of fake newspaper thing for the family at Christmas. I am SO going to make one of the headlines this


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 8, 2017)

UrbaneFox said:


> This should be in the Wolverhampton Evening Post but again the BBC is trying to destroy local newspapers by stealing their best stories.
> 
> Man 'cements microwave to his head'



The BBC News website will not finish off the newspaper industry, the big newspaper groups are doing that themselves, with a little help from google, facebook & other online sites taking ad revenue that newspapers always expected to land in their laps. 

The BBC has not only agreed to share content free of charge with the regional press, but is actually handing over cash to regional newspaper groups to fund them to employ more reporters, most of that is going to the three biggest regional publishers - Newsquest (American owned), Johnston Press & Trinity Mirror - the very profitable groups that have been cutting staff to the bone to sure up their bottom lines. 

Yes, you have read that right, the TV licence fee is being top-sliced to fund the big groups that having been slowly killing off local newspapers over the last 20 years, it beggars belief.

Take a look at this article: Big groups win lion's share of BBC local reporting contracts - Journalism News from HoldtheFrontPage
- the comments tend to support how I feel about this outrage. 

/rant over.


----------



## Dogsauce (Dec 8, 2017)

Local newspapers (Johnston Press titles in particular) are killing themselves with terrible websites. Most of them won't load for me on the iPad or phone. Then they go and stick some survey in front of the article and I just think fuck it and go back to read something else. Maybe they think this is a way of encouraging people to buy the print version.


----------



## existentialist (Dec 8, 2017)

Dogsauce said:


> Local newspapers (Johnston Press titles in particular) are killing themselves with terrible websites. Most of them won't load for me on the iPad or phone. Then they go and stick some survey in front of the article and I just think fuck it and go back to read something else. Maybe they think this is a way of encouraging people to buy the print version.


Our local rag does the same. The content seems to be so fluffed up with hover-to-play videos and overlay advertisements that, half the time when you click on something, it's been shunted out of the way milliseconds before for a stupid advertisement video.

Then, if you use an ad-blocker to make it usable, they have the fucking cheek to slap a big banner over the bottom third of the window saying "We notice you're using an ad blocker". If I were ever seriously going to subscribe for an ad-free experience, I think I'd want to have a more positive experience of the site first. As it is, it looks cheap, shonky, and not worth any money whatsoever. 

And Wales Online is worse. They cover their site in clickbait links, too.


----------



## Libertad (Dec 8, 2017)

existentialist said:


> I do a kind of fake newspaper thing for the family at Christmas. I am SO going to make one of the headlines this



Urban needs to read this, in the appropriate sub-forum of course.


----------



## Yossarian (Dec 9, 2017)

(Turned out the Rover was a member of a youth group for 18 to 26-year-old would-be cops, not a pet.)


----------



## T & P (Dec 9, 2017)

Re shocking newspaper copy fuck-ups: it's not restricted to the locals. Nationals can get it spectacularly wrong too, as the Express spread below shows (see link for explanation of how it came to be  )






Accidental headline of the year | Media Monkey


----------



## MrSki (Dec 9, 2017)

Sorry wrong thread.


----------



## MrSki (Dec 9, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 9, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 9, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 9, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 9, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 9, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 9, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 9, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 9, 2017)




----------



## petee (Dec 10, 2017)




----------



## hash tag (Dec 10, 2017)

The worst of thing....it was in October!

Man charged over 'provocative' rocket launcher snowman


----------



## petee (Dec 10, 2017)

USAF's Big Penetrator Needs to Be Harder - Defensetech

(maybe a pearoast of my own )


----------



## Poi E (Dec 10, 2017)




----------



## hash tag (Dec 11, 2017)

I'm going half way around to world, to a totally different culture and become a kept man. I am that confident, I only have a one way ticket and no cash to get back home if it doesn't work. 

Balding Brit flies to Caribbean only to be turned down by internet girlfriend​


----------



## Wilf (Dec 11, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Chris Eubank Senior, surely?


----------



## Siouxsie (Dec 11, 2017)

Wilf said:


> Chris Eubank Senior, surely?



He looks the type to have one of those dodgy unicorn tattoos.
Does he still drive round in that ridiculous truck....div!


----------



## Ground Elder (Dec 11, 2017)




----------



## Poi E (Dec 11, 2017)

Bit of a low blow, no?


----------



## a_chap (Dec 11, 2017)




----------



## Ponyutd (Dec 14, 2017)




----------



## JimW (Dec 15, 2017)

Not local but hmmm Happiness minister sought over murder


----------



## Indeliblelink (Dec 17, 2017)

not local but still 
*'I will eat mum on Christmas day': Grieving daughter to sprinkle mother's ashes on turkey and pudding dinner*


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 17, 2017)

Not an article, but an accurate review of the Wizard of Oz.


----------



## MrSki (Dec 18, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 18, 2017)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 18, 2017)




----------



## Poi E (Dec 18, 2017)

Love to see councillors showing grit.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 18, 2017)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 18, 2017)




----------



## Indeliblelink (Dec 18, 2017)

There was a fire at a school near me today, the photo caption on The  Daily Mail website at the moment.
Smoke billows as huge fire erupts at former school | Daily Mail Online


----------



## mx wcfc (Dec 18, 2017)

,


----------



## mx wcfc (Dec 18, 2017)

mx wcfc said:


> Wasn't sure where to put this......Winchester's "local satirical magazine" SMUG.  It is sold in pubs etc with an honesty box. Believe me, it is so fecking smug that I may have been dishonest once or twice.


----------



## Ponyutd (Dec 19, 2017)




----------



## Ponyutd (Dec 19, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 20, 2017)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 20, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 123511



I can't find the story behind this. 

But, google gave me these from The Argus...

'It was a spur of the moment thing' says man who threw paint over traffic warden in West Street | The Argus 

Drivers find no entry signs at both ends of residential road - RESIDENTS were left flummoxed when no entry signs were installed at both ends of their road.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 20, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> I can't find the story behind this.
> 
> But, google gave me these from The Argus...
> 
> ...



I'm not reading links - give me the synopsis.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 20, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> I'm not reading links - give me the synopsis.





1 - A man threw paint over a traffic warden.

2 - Fuckwit council workers put up no entry signs at both ends of a road.

Happy now?


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 20, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> 1 - A man threw paint over a traffic warden.
> 
> 2 - Fuckwit council workers put up no entry signs at both ends of a road.
> 
> Happy now?



Yes.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 20, 2017)

So easily pleased, oh, err, misses.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 21, 2017)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 21, 2017)




----------



## hash tag (Dec 21, 2017)

New Zealand. Sheep. Sex. Make up your own headlines.

Brazen couple caught having sex on sheep statue in middle of city centre


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Dec 21, 2017)

*Elderly couple says 60 pounds of pot was for Christmas presents*

*




*



> YORK — An elderly couple who was arrested in Nebraska with 60 pounds of marijuana in their truck told officers that the drugs were meant to be Christmas presents.
> 
> The couple were arrested Tuesday by the York County Sheriff's Department after they were stopped for a traffic violation on Interstate 80.
> 
> Officers found the bags of marijuana in the Toyota Tacoma driven by the 80-year-old man and 83-year-old woman. They said they were driving from California to Vermont.




Elderly couple says 60 pounds of pot was for Christmas presents

And a very happy Christmas to all!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 21, 2017)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> *Elderly couple says 60 pounds of pot was for Christmas presents*
> 
> *
> 
> ...


Better than fucking myrrh, _again_


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 21, 2017)

we two kings of mary jane are
drugs in the back of the Tocama
being 80 on Interstate 80
looking for yonder bar


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Dec 21, 2017)

Ding dong merrily on high,
In heav'n the bells are ringing:
Ding dong! verily the sky
Is riv'n with angel singing
Gloria Hosanna in excelsis!
Gloria Hosanna in excelsis!

Don't even have to change the words.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Dec 22, 2017)

Anyone want to watch two buildings get imploded?  They're tearing down some U of Nebraska dorms this morning.  I lived in the building on the left side for a year:

Cather-Pound imploded Friday morning


----------



## Libertad (Dec 22, 2017)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> Anyone want to watch two buildings get imploded?  They're tearing down some U of Nebraska dorms this morning.  I lived in the building on the left side for a year:
> 
> Cather-Pound imploded Friday morning



Very tidy.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Dec 22, 2017)

In The Argus yesterday - 'I should never have been here in the first place' - BGT stripper cleared of assault


----------



## a_chap (Dec 22, 2017)

I know it's not a newspaper headline; it's the BBC "news" web site, but...
 
What next? "Breathing? Ten things to know about air"


----------



## T & P (Dec 22, 2017)

a_chap said:


> I know it's not a newspaper headline; it's the BBC "news" web site, but...
> View attachment 123671
> What next? "Breathing? Ten things to know about air"


Sadly the ever increasing budget cuts and apparent need to make the BBC news website get as much traffic as possible seems to have tipped the content to the populist end of the spectrum. I remember seeing an article from the 'Magazine' part of the website titled 'How is Keith Richards Still Alive?' at near the very top of the BBC News website home page.

It's bad enough that the BBC would even contemplate publishing such tripe in the first place, but to put it near the top of the home page...


----------



## Poi E (Dec 23, 2017)

hash tag said:


> New Zealand. Sheep. Sex. Make up your own headlines.
> 
> Brazen couple caught having sex on sheep statue in middle of city centre



Looks like the woman got in the way.


----------



## hash tag (Dec 23, 2017)




----------



## scifisam (Dec 23, 2017)

cupid_stunt said:


> View attachment 123547



The best thing about that is the postie's name


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 23, 2017)

scifisam said:


> The best thing about that is the postie's name



I hadn't noticed that, that's fucking funny.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 23, 2017)

Badgers


----------



## hash tag (Dec 23, 2017)

You don't have to spend anything to enjoy Christmas. Women arrested and charged after 'stealing Christmas feast' from Southend Waitrose | Echo


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 23, 2017)

hash tag said:


> You don't have to spend anything to enjoy Christmas. Women arrested and charged after 'stealing Christmas feast' from Southend Waitrose | Echo


heh, fair play. shame they got caught. i would have looked the other way.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 24, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 24, 2017)




----------



## hash tag (Dec 24, 2017)

http://www.ladbible.com/news/fail-d...er-mistaking-a-police-car-for-a-taxi-20171223


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 25, 2017)




----------



## Wilf (Dec 25, 2017)

MrSki said:


>


Reminds me of the time I was in hospital just before Christmas, early 90s, and there was a visit from some carol singers. The exceedingly grumpy - and quite thick - bloke in the next bed came out with the immortal line: 'fer fucks sake, you don't want that at _Christmas'_.


----------



## petee (Dec 26, 2017)

Wilf said:


> Reminds me of the time I was in hospital just before Christmas, early 90s, and there was a visit from some carol singers. The exceedingly grumpy - and quite thick - bloke in the next bed came out with the immortal line: 'fer fucks sake, you don't want that at _Christmas'_.



around those same years i had a friend who was a militant atheist type and when the carolers came around on xmas eve he would lean out his apartment window and bellow "SHUT UP, YOU CHRISTIANS"


----------



## MrSki (Dec 26, 2017)

hash tag said:


> You don't have to spend anything to enjoy Christmas. Women arrested and charged after 'stealing Christmas feast' from Southend Waitrose | Echo


SaskiaJayne


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 26, 2017)

MrSki said:


> SaskiaJayne



I thought that too.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 26, 2017)

Not local but odd.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 26, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 26, 2017)




----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 26, 2017)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 27, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 124009


Demonstrating that the pen is dynamitier than the sword


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 27, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 124032


DANNY BAKER DRAGNET CONTINUES


----------



## Ponyutd (Dec 27, 2017)

Not sure about the Baker link there DaveCinzano.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Dec 27, 2017)

Ponyutd said:


> Not sure about the Baker link there DaveCinzano.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 28, 2017)




----------



## petee (Dec 29, 2017)

Drugs, gun, teeth found on man stopped at S. Carolina store


----------



## extra dry (Dec 29, 2017)

farmerbarleymow said:


> View attachment 123773



very lazy reporting 'words ghghgh ghg ghghg'


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Dec 29, 2017)

extra dry said:


> very lazy reporting 'words ghghgh ghg ghghg'



Maybe the reported was kidnapped and gagged, just as they were dictating the headline to the sub-editor.


----------



## a_chap (Jan 1, 2018)




----------



## Badgers (Jan 2, 2018)

Not a local paper but good local news


----------



## Pickman's model (Jan 2, 2018)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 124424
> 
> Not a local paper but good local news


local news for local people


----------



## DotCommunist (Jan 2, 2018)

'Labour Councillor Chris Tranter, however, who also represents the Rowley ward, opposes the name change. He told the tabloid:_ “I was born here and lived here for 40 years and it doesn’t bother me. You get the odd giggle on the phone, it is quite amusing really.”  '
_
lol


----------



## Pickman's model (Jan 2, 2018)

The thin brown line: Poo from police horses on Quietway 2 in Islington ‘puts cyclists at risk’


----------



## petee (Jan 2, 2018)

Wilkes-Barre Times Leader, Pennsylvania, November 13, 1914


----------



## extra dry (Jan 3, 2018)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 124425
> The thin brown line: Poo from police horses on Quietway 2 in Islington ‘puts cyclists at risk’



Dangerous road conditions, no mention of pot holes?


----------



## dessiato (Jan 3, 2018)

It's a shit story.


----------



## Yossarian (Jan 3, 2018)

petee said:


> Wilkes-Barre Times Leader, Pennsylvania, November 13, 1914



Sounds like a Mr. Men book that got dropped from the back catalogue.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 3, 2018)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 124424
> 
> Not a local paper but good local news



There's a part of Bolton called Nob End which has always amused me in a puerile way. It is near Little Lever.

Not as good as the other bit of Greater Manchester called Dangerous Corner.


----------



## Wilf (Jan 3, 2018)

DotCommunist said:


> 'Labour Councillor Chris Tranter, however, who also represents the Rowley ward, opposes the name change. He told the tabloid:_ “I was born here and lived here for 40 years and it doesn’t bother me. You get the odd giggle on the phone, it is quite amusing really.”  '
> _
> lol


Wonder how they say their address on the phone?
'Number 13, Bell. End. Street' - or just go for it with 'Number 13, _Bell End Street'_?  Either way only delays the inevitable splutters and gagging noises.


----------



## OzT (Jan 3, 2018)

though bell ends were the end of the touser legs in the 70s? Never thought it was considered rude


----------



## Wilf (Jan 3, 2018)

OzT said:


> though bell ends were the end of the touser legs in the 70s? Never thought it was considered rude


Bell bottoms?


----------



## DotCommunist (Jan 3, 2018)

OzT said:


> though bell ends were the end of the touser legs in the 70s? Never thought it was considered rude


bell end has meant the purple mitre for years now, maybe it didn't make it to aus playgrounds but its schooldays old here


----------



## OzT (Jan 3, 2018)

yeah, bell bottoms/end is what it meant to me. No idea what purple mitre means, I guess penis?


----------



## Santino (Jan 3, 2018)

'Hi, this is Chris Tranter speaking.'

'Bell end?'

'Yes, how did you know?'

'Know what?'


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 3, 2018)

OzT said:


> yeah, bell bottoms/end is what it meant to me. No idea what purple mitre means, I guess penis?


The glans (Latin for acorn)


----------



## little_legs (Jan 5, 2018)




----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jan 10, 2018)

Oops!  They did it again...



> LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) — A California couple arrested in Nebraska last month for carrying 60 pounds of marijuana they described as family Christmas gifts have again been arrested in Nebraska, this time on suspicion of carrying drug money.
> 
> Patrick Jiron, 80, and his 70-year-old wife, Barbara, both of Clear Lake Oaks, California, were arrested Tuesday along Interstate 80 in southeastern Nebraska, the Lincoln Journal Star reported. They were arrested last month along the same roadway — in the same vehicle — just two counties west....
> 
> Authorities have said that when the Jirons were arrested in York County on Dec. 19, they said they didn’t know it was illegal to transport marijuana through Nebraska and that they were planning to give the drug as Christmas presents to relatives in Vermont and Massachusetts.



Here's the real kicker:



> The Jirons are the parents of a Vermont prosecutor in Chittenden County, Justin Jiron....



California couple with marijuana gifts arrested again in Nebraska

In their defense, Social Security doesn't go very far these days.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 11, 2018)




----------



## dessiato (Jan 11, 2018)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 125028


Some good meals for the fire crews coming up.


----------



## existentialist (Jan 11, 2018)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 125028


I suspect the lorry crashed/caught fire as a result of being driven in reverse along a major road, if that photo is anything to go by...


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 11, 2018)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 125028



That photo doesn't appear to match the actual scene in anyway whatsoever. 



A30 closed because of 17 tonnes of gammon roasted in lorry fire


----------



## Mumbles274 (Jan 11, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> That photo doesn't appear to match the actual scene in anyway whatsoever.
> 
> View attachment 125041
> 
> A30 closed because of 17 tonnes of gammon roasted in lorry fire


Jack Frost nipping at your nose


----------



## a_chap (Jan 11, 2018)




----------



## wiskey (Jan 14, 2018)

Liverpool fan's birthday spoilt by "offensive" sticker on Asda cake box


----------



## a_chap (Jan 15, 2018)

Dad horrified to find swear word printed on daughter's KFC gravy tub

Worth it even if only for all the very supportive comments


----------



## cybershot (Jan 15, 2018)

This one from the day before is even better

Liverpool fan's birthday spoilt by "offensive" sticker on Asda cake box






Sticker was probably put there by a relative!


----------



## kabbes (Jan 15, 2018)

cybershot said:


> This one from the day before is even better
> 
> Liverpool fan's birthday spoilt by "offensive" sticker on Asda cake box
> 
> ...


Two posts above your one...


----------



## cybershot (Jan 15, 2018)

kabbes said:


> Two posts above your one...



Do'h


----------



## petee (Jan 15, 2018)

Car Flies About 60 Feet Into Upper Floor of a Building in California


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jan 15, 2018)

petee said:


> Car Flies About 60 Feet Into Upper Floor of a Building in California



It takes talent to get that much air.


----------



## wiskey (Jan 15, 2018)

Wow!


----------



## kabbes (Jan 16, 2018)

petee said:


> Car Flies About 60 Feet Into Upper Floor of a Building in California






			
				NY Times said:
			
		

> ...the woman, who declined to provide her name, said. “It’s a big hole.”


----------



## OzT (Jan 16, 2018)

^^^^^^  In the Metro said they were 'high' on drugs when they got airboure after hitting a barrier . . . .

ok, I added the 'high' bit


----------



## dessiato (Jan 16, 2018)

OzT said:


> ^^^^^^  In the Metro said they were 'high' on drugs when they got airboure after hitting a barrier . . . .
> 
> ok, I added the 'high' bit


Apparently one of the two people in the car admitted to being on drugs. Lucky they didn't kill someone.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 19, 2018)

What's a Skyscrapper?


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jan 22, 2018)

Seriously!  Our drug mules really need to get their shit together:



> *Two arrested after big bag of pot falls from trailer*
> Troopers say a driver called about a package falling from a trailer on I-80 in Nebraska.
> 
> Nebraska State Troopers say a driver called them after seeing a package fall from a flatbed trailer along Interstate 80 Friday afternoon.
> ...




Two arrested after big bag of pot falls from trailer


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Jan 24, 2018)

BMW driver's shock as flying CABBAGE smashes into his car

(Lincolnshire Echo)

Sadly, not a mutant flying vegetable sort of thing.  One fell off a lorry...


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 28, 2018)

Early contender for thread POTY:

Woman asks for waffle maker, is reportedly told to f*** off


----------



## Opera Buffa (Jan 28, 2018)

*RSPCA volunteers to dress as bunnies and sleep in hutches to pay for new rabbit accommodation*

Volunteers to dress as bunnies and sleep in hutches


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 28, 2018)

DaveCinzano said:


> Early contender for thread POTY:
> 
> Woman asks for waffle maker, is reportedly told to f*** off






			
				Comments said:
			
		

> *bread lover*
> 2 days ago
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 28, 2018)

I put this on the bandwidth thread, but thinking about it, it should be on this thread...

*My God, they are throwing the stuff at each other! 
 *


----------



## dessiato (Jan 29, 2018)

DP


----------



## dessiato (Jan 29, 2018)

JUICY ARRESTS: Police detain five for 4,000 kilo orange theft


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 29, 2018)

dessiato said:


> JUICY ARRESTS: Police detain five for 4,000 kilo orange theft





> LOCAL POLICE officers in Sevilla had a fruitful day


----------



## dessiato (Jan 31, 2018)

One from today

WATCH: Pallet van man faces TALL fine for dangerous load


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Jan 31, 2018)

Stranger danger in the Westmoreland Gazette

An 11 year old boy approached by a "woman was described as being in her 30s, a size 16, with black wavy hair and had black leather gloves."

Did the potential victim assess the lady's dress size? I guess it's funny what you notice about someone.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jan 31, 2018)

*'Emotional support peacock' barred from United Airlines plane*


----------



## Wilf (Feb 1, 2018)

DaveCinzano said:


> Early contender for thread POTY:
> 
> Woman asks for waffle maker, is reportedly told to f*** off


Weston Super Mare, so  much to answer for.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 1, 2018)

Has this been posted before? I bet it has, oh, well...


----------



## a_chap (Feb 1, 2018)




----------



## Nine Bob Note (Feb 1, 2018)

New Ware wine bar 'would lead to more graveyard sex', residents warn

A resident also told how women 'roll in their wee' after drinking at existing bars


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 2, 2018)

Yeah!


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Feb 2, 2018)

Not a local paper, but anyway.


----------



## petee (Feb 6, 2018)

Woman ordered to trim her bush which grew so big it left neighbours in the dark | Metro News



> Susan Rogers was issued with the notice after her bush grew to 40ft high and 100ft long.



christ.


----------



## rekil (Feb 8, 2018)

Teenager who threw Jelly Baby at Shrewsbury Town keeper Dean Henderson escapes football ban



> “The only thing he had was a Jelly Baby and he thought throwing that would wind him up. He said he had no intention of hurting the goalkeeper.”
> 
> The incident at Bury had involved the teenager running onto the pitch and celebrating with players after Rovers had scored.
> 
> “On that occasion he said he had drunk 10 pints of lager before the match,” said Mr Hollanby.


----------



## dessiato (Feb 8, 2018)

Snappy reaction to crocodile sale by police in Spain


----------



## krtek a houby (Feb 9, 2018)

Indeliblelink said:


> *'Emotional support peacock' barred from United Airlines plane*



Not local but horrible

Student says she flushed 'emotional support hamster' after airline denied passage


----------



## Siouxsie (Feb 9, 2018)

Nine Bob Note said:


> New Ware wine bar 'would lead to more graveyard sex', residents warn
> 
> A resident also told how women 'roll in their wee' after drinking at existing bars



Such debauchery!
Anywhere in Cheshire by any chance


----------



## Badgers (Feb 9, 2018)

Landlady's fury after Welsh rugby fan poos on pub table


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 10, 2018)

Not-local caveats apply:

Dog caught riding neighbour's one-eyed pony in the middle of the night


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 10, 2018)

Woman kept dog poo in freezer for seven months to beat Kingdom


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 10, 2018)

DaveCinzano said:


> Not-local caveats apply:
> 
> Dog caught riding neighbour's one-eyed pony in the middle of the night



The video on that link is fucking funny.


----------



## Casual Observer (Feb 10, 2018)




----------



## T & P (Feb 11, 2018)

*Bunch of balloons in Billericay halts trains in their tracks*

*Bunch of balloons halts trains in tracks*


----------



## Steel Icarus (Feb 11, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


>


----------



## Steel Icarus (Feb 11, 2018)

Seriously though. It fell OUT? I thought it might be more secure than that.


----------



## Wilf (Feb 11, 2018)

S☼I said:


> Seriously though. It fell OUT? I thought it might be more secure than that.


It can be screwed in.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 12, 2018)

The perennial riddle of the sphinctors.


----------



## Siouxsie (Feb 12, 2018)

DO NOT Google 'anal prolapse'  images 


It's not my fault you didn't listen......I DID warn you!


----------



## Combustible (Feb 12, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


>


Rectum? Damn nearly killed him


----------



## Wilf (Feb 12, 2018)

DaveCinzano said:


> The perennial riddle of the sphinctors.


Maybe one of Napoleon's soldiers caused the damage?


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Feb 13, 2018)

> A 19-year-old man who wanted to test out a flak jacket Saturday suffered a non-life-threatening gunshot wound when his friend missed his target in a cabin in northwest Lancaster County, Sheriff Terry Wagner said.
> 
> Deputies were alerted to the shooting by staff at a Lincoln hospital that afternoon.
> 
> ...



They're lucky it stopped the rounds.  Flak jackets aren't really designed to stop full rounds.

Here's the important bit hidden at the end:



> The victim was struck in the buttocks, Wagner said.
> 
> Investigators believe those involved had been drinking alcohol before the shooting. It remains under investigation to determine whether there were any criminal violations, Wagner said.



Alcohol involved?  You don't say.

Sheriff: Teen shot in buttocks while friends were testing out flak jacket near Lincoln

If I find video, I'll post it.  You have to bet there's video of this somewhere.  No one does something that fucking stupid unless they're committing it to video.


----------



## Chz (Feb 13, 2018)

"Alcohol may have been a factor" is my favourite line in any report.


----------



## MrSki (Feb 15, 2018)




----------



## dessiato (Feb 15, 2018)

MrSki said:


>


In light of what happened in Florida yesterday more sad than funny.


----------



## MrSki (Feb 15, 2018)

dessiato said:


> In light of what happened in Florida yesterday more sad than funny.


I expect god told him to do it. 
What size St. Valentine's cards do you get in Florida? Could you get a semi automatic in one?


----------



## kabbes (Feb 15, 2018)

MrSki said:


>


Nothing says romance more than a free valentines card from the Hackney Gazette.


----------



## Voley (Feb 19, 2018)

Top marks for the original headline with this one:


----------



## Siouxsie (Feb 19, 2018)

Was he on a bike!


----------



## petee (Feb 20, 2018)

7-Eleven tries classical music to discourage loiterering, panhandling


----------



## Opera Buffa (Feb 21, 2018)




----------



## Opera Buffa (Feb 21, 2018)

It's alright he survived


----------



## dessiato (Feb 23, 2018)

This one just boggles the mind. There's some strange fuckers in Grimsby.

Dog sex man jailed because he can't keep his nose clean


----------



## petee (Feb 23, 2018)

*Police thwarted by goat stuck on roof who ‘only respects one man'*

Police thwarted by goat stuck on roof in Gresham , Oregon | Metro News


----------



## a_chap (Feb 23, 2018)




----------



## petee (Feb 23, 2018)

Albuquerque NM Journal, 12/27/1929


----------



## Wilf (Feb 25, 2018)

a_chap said:


> View attachment 128168


Ukip are on the lookout for a new leader.


----------



## petee (Feb 27, 2018)

Durham Springs LA News, 1916


----------



## Mumbles274 (Feb 28, 2018)

*The Chatham Ski and Snowboard Centre in Capstone Road close because of snow for a second day*

'Oh the irony'


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 28, 2018)

Mumbles274 said:


> *The Chatham Ski and Snowboard Centre in Capstone Road close because of snow for a second day*
> 
> 'Oh the irony'



Every time I see the KM logo it brings back happy memories of working for that company, back in the good old days, when it was a great family run independent newspaper group.


----------



## Mumbles274 (Feb 28, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Every time I see the KM logo it brings back happy memories of working for that company, back in the good old days, when it was a great family run independent newspaper group.


Isn't it a shame how all those places are soulless arseholes now. Much like my industry


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 3, 2018)

Not local, but clever headline:

*Hash in the attic: Police find £80k cannabis farm after spotting snow-free roof*

*Hash in the attic: Police find £80k cannabis farm after spotting snow-free roof*


----------



## Ground Elder (Mar 3, 2018)




----------



## JimW (Mar 3, 2018)

The hipsters really have gone too far now.


----------



## stethoscope (Mar 3, 2018)

JimW said:


> The hipsters really have gone too far now.


----------



## Dr. Furface (Mar 3, 2018)

petee said:


> Durham Springs LA News, 1916


'Been assinated'


----------



## petee (Mar 3, 2018)

Dr. Furface said:


> 'Been assinated'



_if you know what i mean_


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Mar 8, 2018)

Not local, but too good to pass up:



> Heavily armed drug cops raid retiree’s garden, seize okra plants
> 
> Georgia police raided a retired Atlanta man's garden last Wednesday after a helicopter crew with the Governor's Task Force for Drug Suppression spotted suspicious-looking plants on the man's property. A heavily-armed K9 unit arrived and discovered that the plants were, in fact, okra bushes.
> 
> The officers eventually apologized and left, but they took some of the suspicious okra leaves with them for analysis. Georgia state patrol told WSB-TV in Atlanta that "we've not been able to identify it as of yet. But it did have quite a number of characteristics that were similar to a cannabis plant."



https://www.washingtonpost.com/news...den-seize-okra-plants/?utm_term=.ef9e238ac129

Marijuana:






Okra:






City folks.


----------



## Ground Elder (Mar 9, 2018)

At last! A year or two ago I took a picture of a plant on an allotment, that no one was able to identify for me. Now I know it's okra  Thanks Yuwipi Woman


----------



## petee (Mar 19, 2018)

Canadian Man Sorry for Chugging Eight Beers and Swimming to Detroit


*



*


----------



## existentialist (Mar 19, 2018)

Flower pots damaged in Pembroke | Western Telegraph


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 19, 2018)

existentialist said:


> Flower pots damaged in Pembroke | Western Telegraph



A classic example of a Newsquest rag's website page - that headline, a stock photo & a full in-depth report...



> FLOWER pots were damaged at Croft Court, Pembroke on March 4.
> 
> If you have any information please contact PC 749 at Pembroke Dock police station on 101.





I am glad I don't work for those wankers any longer!


----------



## Poi E (Mar 20, 2018)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> City folks.



To be fair, it is Georgia.


----------



## Wilf (Mar 20, 2018)

petee said:


> Canadian Man Sorry for Chugging Eight Beers and Swimming to Detroit
> 
> 
> *
> ...


He does look quite wistful.


----------



## Badgers (Mar 21, 2018)

Contactless Jesus 

Kirk to introduce 'contactless' collection plates


----------



## Poi E (Mar 21, 2018)

I wondered how long that would take. Guess God takes credit cards now.


----------



## Badgers (Mar 21, 2018)

Poi E said:


> I wondered how long that would take. Guess God takes credit cards now.


Thrown out the temple


----------



## Poi E (Mar 21, 2018)

Seriously, I hope they set it up so only debit cards can be accepted. Surely?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 21, 2018)

Badgers said:


> Contactless Jesus
> 
> Kirk to introduce 'contactless' collection plates


Surely PIN God we trust?


----------



## dessiato (Mar 21, 2018)

Tight squeeze: Firefighters called to free man's testicle from a chair

I've had to be freed from both a table and a chair on occasion having got a finger stuck, but never anything more intimate.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 25, 2018)

_NT News _delivers once more:


----------



## petee (Mar 26, 2018)

9 Out Of 10 Irish Babies Born With Bono Intolerance


----------



## petee (Mar 27, 2018)

French waiter says firing for rudeness is 'discrimination against my culture'

" “Mr Rey will have to explain what it is about his French heritage that would result in behaviour that people misinterpret as a violation of workplace standards of acceptable conduct,” she wrote in her decision."


----------



## Badgers (Mar 28, 2018)




----------



## Mordi (Mar 28, 2018)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 131245



For some reason I always view bird on bird predation as some kind of cannibalism. 

I blame nature documentaries overly dramatic renderings of Skuas catching baby penguins.


----------



## Corax (Mar 29, 2018)

Not a *crap* headline exactly but...

*Cambridgeshire police investigate threats to drive cars into school pupils*

It is thought those behind the hoax were rivals quarreling about popular game Minecraft*.*

*Wait  wut? *


----------



## SpookyFrank (Mar 29, 2018)

petee said:


> Canadian Man Sorry for Chugging Eight Beers and Swimming to Detroit
> 
> 
> *
> ...



From this story I learned that Detroit is right next to Canada, which is actually pretty obvious if you look at a map.


----------



## OzT (Mar 29, 2018)

Mordi said:


> For some reason I always view bird on bird predation as some kind of cannibalism.
> 
> I blame nature documentaries overly dramatic renderings of Skuas catching baby penguins.


 
I think there's some sort of crab that kills more of the baby penguins, saw that on the South Pacific docco


----------



## Santino (Mar 29, 2018)

SpookyFrank said:


> From this story I learned that Detroit is right next to Canada, which is actually pretty obvious if you look at a map.


Because of a wiggly border you can travel south from Detroit and arrive in Canada.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Mar 29, 2018)

Hastings (NE), State Patrol "disposes" of 20,000 lbs of illegal fireworks:

WATCH: State Patrol disposes of fireworks

Further proof that boys are all firebugs at heart.  They only had 8 cameras on it.


----------



## petee (Apr 3, 2018)

Police in Warwickshire, England would like you to be on the lookout for this man


----------



## JimW (Apr 3, 2018)

You can see how he achieved the distraction.


----------



## Ground Elder (Apr 4, 2018)

*Chihuahua world record bid organisers banned from beach after sausage dog mess*



> We had a massive donation from the man who runs the car park



Bloody sausage dogs ruining it for everyone else


----------



## petee (Apr 12, 2018)

Argentinian officers fired after claiming mice ate half a ton of missing marijuana

"Called before Judge Adrián González Charvay, Specia and three of his subordinates all offered the same explanation: the missing narcotics had had been “eaten by mice”, they said.

But forensic experts told the court they doubted even a large number of rodents could have eaten so much marijuana."


----------



## fishfinger (Apr 12, 2018)

petee said:


> Argentinian officers fired after claiming mice ate half a ton of missing marijuana
> 
> "Called before Judge Adrián González Charvay, Specia and three of his subordinates all offered the same explanation: the missing narcotics had had been “eaten by mice”, they said.
> 
> But forensic experts told the court they doubted even a large number of rodents could have eaten so much marijuana."


Those mice must have had a serious attack of the munchies.


----------



## petee (Apr 12, 2018)

fishfinger said:


> Those mice must have had a serious attack of the munchies.


circular - eat weed, get munchies, eat more weed ...


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 14, 2018)

Carl Frampton: Why I can’t wait to deliver Harp ‘garden pub’ prize

Given that Harp is total pisswater I wouldn’t have that monstrosity in my garden but fear that Mr Frampton would threaten me with violence until I did. The “year’s supply of haircuts” prize is even more sinister - esp. if “The Jackal” was the barber.


----------



## a_chap (Apr 16, 2018)

Fury after Morrisons wouldn't sell couple meat pies before 9am


----------



## a_chap (Apr 16, 2018)

But, wait. There's good news.

Success!!!





Morrisons announce U-turn after couple's pie saga goes national


----------



## Yossarian (Apr 16, 2018)

Some excellent "aggrieved pie-eater in local newspaper" faces there.


> Morrisons told The Gazette there is no “hard and fast policy” and meat pies are simply baked for 9am to match customer demand.
> 
> But Tony suggested a more sinister explanation.
> 
> “There’s more to this,” he said. “Morrisons have got their own agenda."


----------



## Yossarian (Apr 16, 2018)

a_chap said:


> But, wait. There's good news.
> 
> Success!!!
> 
> ...





> Tony said: “We went over for the bread. We couldn’t get pies. There were no pies on this morning.
> 
> “As we went to the till, this manager came over with a bunch of flowers in his hand.
> 
> “I politely declined and gave them to the wife. He said we’re sorry and gave me a bag of pies.”



Wait, there were no pies - and then suddenly the manager produces a bag of pies? Maybe Tony was on to something...


----------



## andysays (Apr 16, 2018)

Yossarian said:


> Some excellent "aggrieved pie-eater in local newspaper" faces there.



I'm not surprised they look aggrieved - those are clearly not pies but pasties


----------



## Wilf (Apr 16, 2018)

The Great Morrison's Pie Conspiracy - not your usual southern 9/11 namby pamby style conspiracy, but a proper _northern conspiracy_.


----------



## Ground Elder (Apr 19, 2018)

*Man declares he is now attracted to men after taking painkillers*



> “I’m not angry, because it’s made me who I am."


----------



## petee (Apr 19, 2018)

'U SUCK' appears on I-5 traffic sign


----------



## a_chap (Apr 20, 2018)




----------



## alan_ (Apr 20, 2018)

petee said:


> Canadian Man Sorry for Chugging Eight Beers and Swimming to Detroit
> 
> 
> *
> ...


I think this guy should be hailed as a hero for having a go. Nanny state gone mad


----------



## a_chap (Apr 20, 2018)

NOT EVEN GOT LASERS!


----------



## Wilf (Apr 20, 2018)

Ground Elder said:


> *Man declares he is now attracted to men after taking painkillers*


That's funny, I'm on those - not had any interesting sexual side effects, just a slight loss of motor control and involuntary flatulence.


----------



## a_chap (Apr 23, 2018)

"The balloons weren’t terribly effective"...


----------



## alan_ (Apr 23, 2018)

a_chap said:


> View attachment 133492
> 
> 
> "The balloons weren’t terribly effective"...


What, in the respect of holding a pocket of air within an enclosure....... as balloons are supposed to...or something else, animals perhaps


----------



## Voley (Apr 23, 2018)

PENGUINS LOOSE IN PENZANCE !!!! * 



* Except it's a razorbill and was reported by a woman who had to deny that she was pissed.


----------



## Calamity1971 (Apr 27, 2018)

'Dead gran's face' in baby scan shocks mum-to-be


----------



## felixthecat (Apr 27, 2018)

*Large rabbit found dead in Trowbridge*





It's all go around here!


----------



## Yossarian (Apr 27, 2018)

felixthecat said:


> *Large rabbit found dead in Trowbridge*
> 
> 
> 
> ...



"I need a stock photo for this rabbit story."

"Can't you find a picture of a bunny?"

"It was decapitated."

"Go with the police tape."


----------



## Casual Observer (May 1, 2018)




----------



## dessiato (May 10, 2018)

Today's Guardian 
Canadian zoo faces charges after taking bear out for ice cream at Dairy Queen

Canadian zoo faces charges after taking bear out for ice cream at Dairy Queen


----------



## dessiato (May 10, 2018)

How do you move mountains of unwanted weed?

How do you move mountains of unwanted weed?


----------



## bellaozzydog (May 10, 2018)

dessiato said:


> This one just boggles the mind. There's some strange fuckers in Grimsby.
> 
> Dog sex man jailed because he can't keep his nose clean



Jeez the article content is much more crackers than the headline. The girlfriend quotes are amazing


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 10, 2018)

dessiato said:


> How do you move mountains of unwanted weed?
> 
> How do you move mountains of unwanted weed?



Send it to me, and I'll share it out amongst urbanites.


----------



## Yossarian (May 10, 2018)

San Antonio rescuers bitten after mistaking bobcats for unwanted kittens

"They fed the bobcats milk from pet-feeding bottles, but realized something was amiss when the aggressive animals tore the bottles apart and bit them."


----------



## extra dry (May 11, 2018)

Yossarian said:


> San Antonio rescuers bitten after mistaking bobcats for unwanted kittens
> 
> "They fed the bobcats milk from pet-feeding bottles, but realized something was amiss when the aggressive animals tore the bottles apart and bit them."




Beat me to it.


----------



## existentialist (May 12, 2018)

Shed to make speed record attempt


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 12, 2018)

existentialist said:


> Shed to make speed record attempt



I was once overtaken on the motorway by a giant beer barrel, that took me by surprise, a real double take moment! 

It was a promotional vehicle for some brewery, who's name escapes me now.


----------



## petee (May 12, 2018)

existentialist said:


> Shed to make speed record attempt



that's just epic.


----------



## existentialist (May 12, 2018)

petee said:


> that's just epic.


Even more epic:

Shed hits 100mph to break speed record

A ton-up shed!

ETA: Oh. It's a fucking Audi shed


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 12, 2018)

existentialist said:


> Even more epic:
> 
> Shed hits 100mph to break speed record
> 
> ...



From that link...



> Mr Nicks said it was a "magical moment" breaking the record at Pendine, a beach which has become synonymous with land speed attempts since Sir Malcolm Campbell broke the record in the legendary Blue Bird in the 1920s.



When I had a free 'flight' on the Brighton i360, together with free champagne, just after it opened, we had a talk from one of the Campbell family, what a family of insane nutters. 

* The 'flight' was sponsored by the firm of accountants I happen to use, the guests were basically corporate types, I have no idea how I got the invite, apart from the fact my accountant seems to like me & so she invited me, I initially turned the invite down, but she extended it to 'plus one', so I took Frances, we were like fish out water in that company, but still, the free champagne was good, hic.


----------



## petee (May 14, 2018)

top work, just superb

Alexandria Man Arrested In Sterling Double Homicide


----------



## Poot (May 16, 2018)

Middle-class women devour drug-laced cheese in new craze called 'brieing'

*Middle-class women devour drug-laced cheese in new craze called 'brieing'*

**


----------



## petee (May 20, 2018)

_Holloway says the woman wasn't happy about a new phone.

"She said, 'No, I'm going to. This is BS. And I wanna be on the news.' And I said, 'Ma'am, don't do this.' And she said, 'No, I have to.' Then she closed her car door, gassed it and ran through the building."
_
East Ridge store says upset customer crashed car into their building


----------



## Ground Elder (May 22, 2018)

*Former UKIP deputy mayor of Basildon challenges Tory councillor to public fight in Facebook row over photo of pig's testicles*



> I very much doubt I’ll ever be in Essex again


----------



## Mogden (May 23, 2018)

Fears of 'alcohol-fuelled' chaos if Moo Moo opens late for Phil Mitchell visit

Is there something you need to tell us moomoo ? I mean if you're planning to be in Derby, do pop round for a post opening brew


----------



## Yossarian (May 23, 2018)

Man reports being followed by pig in North Ridgeville


----------



## petee (May 23, 2018)

Yossarian said:


> Man reports being followed by pig in North Ridgeville



_Writing on Facebook, police mentioned "the irony of the pig in a police car now so that anyone that thinks they're funny is actually unoriginal and trying too hard."

_


----------



## Voley (May 27, 2018)




----------



## a_chap (May 27, 2018)

Sounds about right for Gloucestershire. I tell you, they're just animals them folk.


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 29, 2018)

Frustrated resident plants flowers in pothole



> Geri Blake planted flowers in the pothole in Portland Road, Worthing, to make a point to West Sussex County Council, which is responsible for filling them in.
> 
> She said to the paper: “This pothole in Portland Road was deep enough for me to plant a couple of marigolds in it.


----------



## JimW (May 29, 2018)

> deep enough for me to plant a couple of marigolds


The gloves are off.


----------



## T & P (May 30, 2018)

*'Don't toast marshmallows on Hawaii volcano' says US government*

'Don't toast marshmallows on Hawaii volcano'


----------



## Orang Utan (May 30, 2018)

Not local, and reminiscent of Spinal Tap, but:
http://www.nme.com/news/music/josh-martin-anal-cunt-escalator-accident-2328320


----------



## Orang Utan (May 30, 2018)

"In addition to his work with Anal Cunt, Martin also lent his talents to Adolf Satan, Impaled Northern Moonforest, and Failure Clinic."


----------



## petee (May 31, 2018)

host of problems for the local PD


----------



## Poi E (May 31, 2018)

Gary Larson was right.


----------



## Poi E (May 31, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> "In addition to his work with Anal Cunt, Martin also lent his talents to Adolf Satan, Impaled Northern Moonforest, and Failure Clinic."



Strange, the main channels are not carrying this story. Tough choice fave track between Hitler was a Sensitive Man and I Lit Your Baby on Fire.


----------



## petee (May 31, 2018)

Poi E said:


> Gary Larson was right.



i also hope that poor utility has gotten better.


----------



## dessiato (May 31, 2018)

8:33 Suspicious human, what's that?


----------



## Chz (Jun 1, 2018)

I think friend should be in quotes


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 1, 2018)

Drink driver who blamed imaginary friend gets banned 


> A drink-driver who tried to blame his actions on an imaginary friend has been disqualified for four years.


Imaginary friend.


----------



## Poi E (Jun 1, 2018)

Pity he wasn't tried before an imaginary judge.


----------



## Voley (Jun 2, 2018)

Plympton dog poo bin ''most disgusting in country.'' 

Is this dog poo bin the most disgusting in the country?


----------



## T & P (Jun 2, 2018)

Voley said:


> Plympton dog poo bin ''most disgusting in country.''
> 
> Is this dog poo bin the most disgusting in the country?


"The flies were ridiculous".


----------



## Yossarian (Jun 2, 2018)

petee said:


> host of problems for the local PD



They seem to have a lot of trouble with their livestock in Young County.






Emergency Dispatch Call Sheet


----------



## petee (Jun 2, 2018)

Yossarian said:


> Emergency Dispatch Call Sheet




yet more!

4:43 p.m. – It took them awhile, but some livestock on Hwy. 114 and Rodgers Road got in on the complaint-worthy behavior.
5:43 p.m. – Hey! You kids know better than to play on the roof! Old Jacksboro Road, Graham.


----------



## Calamity1971 (Jun 2, 2018)

10:01 p.m. – Burglar alarm hollering, L.C. Young Road, Young County.
9:13 a.m. – Burglar alarm got lonely, Pecan St., Graham.
3:43 a.m. – Burglar alarm calling attention to itself, E. Main, Olney.


----------



## hash tag (Jun 3, 2018)

Sex club where members must not wear clothes is closed down Surrey sex dungeon couple must pay £45,000 after court hears they ignored order to shut down

The local council said all structures erected must be removed


----------



## Poi E (Jun 3, 2018)

No sex clubs allowed in the green belt according to the judge. So English.


----------



## Yossarian (Jun 4, 2018)

Not a good day to have kept the sunroof open...

'I'm covered in poo': Transport Canada investigating feces falling from sky


----------



## JimW (Jun 4, 2018)

Yossarian said:


> Not a good day to have kept the sunroof open...
> 
> 'I'm covered in poo': Transport Canada investigating feces falling from sky


Shit happens.


----------



## hash tag (Jun 5, 2018)

Insert your own headlines to this, from a newspaper story


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 8, 2018)

COUNTY NEWS: ‘Kangaroo’ encounter catches astonished motorist on the hop



> The sighting was made in Gallipot Street as the man was driving towards the village of Hartfield. It seems the ‘kangaroo’ is more likely to have been a wallaby - and it has been causing quite a stir locally.
> 
> Imogen Vartan, landlady at The Gallipot Inn, said several customers had reported seeing it in the past week, both in the open countryside and on local roads. She said the mysterious marsupial must be living wild somewhere on Ashdown Forest.


----------



## Badgers (Jun 9, 2018)




----------



## a_chap (Jun 9, 2018)

WTF would someone need a biology GCSE for that job?


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 9, 2018)

a_chap said:


> WTF would someone need a biology GCSE for that job?


So you understand how dog shit works, of course!


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 9, 2018)

It's fake by the way. No such job advertised. 
And Leeds doesn't have boroughs, just wards


----------



## a_chap (Jun 9, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> It's fake by the way. No such job advertised.
> And Leeds doesn't have boroughs, just wards



Not a very funny fake. In fact quite disappointing really. Should ask for a refund.

ETA: the piss-poor grammatical errors did make me wonder. But then I assumed the advert appeared in the Yorkshire Post so it didn't overly surprise me.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 9, 2018)

a_chap said:


> Not a very funny fake. In fact quite disappointing really. Should ask for a refund.
> 
> ETA: the piss-poor grammatical errors did make me wonder. But then I assumed the advert appeared in the Yorkshire Post so it didn't overly surprise me.


Why? Don't tell me you're a bigot


----------



## a_chap (Jun 9, 2018)




----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 9, 2018)

a_chap said:


>


Don't you roll your eyes at me inferring bigotry from comments like that. I should be rolling my eyes at you


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 9, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> Why? Don't tell me you're a bigot



How is he a bigot?


----------



## a_chap (Jun 9, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> Don't you roll your eyes at me inferring bigotry from comments like that. I should be rolling my eyes at you



I think you're a bit of a nutjob inferring bigotry from my comments. However, CS has asked you to explain yourself and I tend to think that you should.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 9, 2018)

a_chap said:


> I think you're a bit of a nutjob inferring bigotry from my comments. However, CS has asked you to explain yourself and I tend to think that you should.


You know. Don't play all innocent.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 9, 2018)

a_chap said:


> the piss-poor grammatical errors did make me wonder. But then I assumed the advert appeared in the Yorkshire Post so it didn't overly surprise me.


Not much inference needs to be done here.


----------



## a_chap (Jun 9, 2018)

An unsurprising lack of any explanation.

You happily chuck an accusation of bigotry at me and haven't the common decency to back it up with any sort of rationale.

Poor form, OU.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 9, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> Not much inference needs to be done here.



What because he had a poke at the Yorkshire Post?


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 9, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> What because he had a poke at the Yorkshire Post?


Yes, the YP doesn't have a rep for typos like the Guardian, so there is only one thing to infer from a comment like that. 
It's no big deal, we all make bigoted comments from time to time, but playing all innocent when called out for it is not very clever.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 9, 2018)

a_chap said:


> An unsurprising lack of any explanation.
> 
> You happily chuck an accusation of bigotry at me and haven't the common decency to back it up with any sort of rationale.
> 
> Poor form, OU.


It's poorer form to pretend you didn't know what you meant when you did


----------



## andysays (Jun 9, 2018)

Every reasonable person knows that people from Leeds are an oppressed minority who are constantly persecuted by anti-Leeds bigots, surely, however little mention it gets in the London-centric metropolitan media.

I think it's very brave of OU to finally say enough is enough and that this bigotry should no longer go unchallenged. If only more posters on Urban had his courage and belief in justice, what a better place the world would be.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 9, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> Yes, the YP doesn't have a rep for typos like the Guardian, so there is only one thing to infer from a comment like that.
> It's no big deal, we all make bigoted comments from time to time, but playing all innocent when called out for it is not very clever.



FFS, the Yorkshire Post is owned by Johnston Press, a company that's on on it's knees (currently valued at under half of what they paid to buy the 'i' newspaper a couple of years ago), known in the industry as the worst for cutting staff, in their race to the bottom when it comes to standards, their rags are known for being full of crap & errors.

Perhaps the YP is an exception to the rule, but there's no bigotry from a_chap, you're just trolling.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 9, 2018)

andysays said:


> Every reasonable person knows that people from Leeds are an oppressed minority who are constantly persecuted by anti-Leeds bigots, surely, however little mention it gets in the London-centric metropolitan media.
> 
> I think it's very brave of OU to finally say enough is enough and that this bigotry should no longer go unchallenged. If only more posters on Urban had his courage and belief in justice, what a better place the world would be.



PMSL.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 9, 2018)

FFS it's no big deal. Just noting that he made a crass joke about Yorkshire people and pretended he didn't know what I meant when I said so. The joke was a minor offence, the dishonesty was the real kicker


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 9, 2018)

andysays said:


> Every reasonable person knows that people from Leeds are an oppressed minority who are constantly persecuted by anti-Leeds bigots, surely, however little mention it gets in the London-centric metropolitan media.
> 
> I think it's very brave of OU to finally say enough is enough and that this bigotry should no longer go unchallenged. If only more posters on Urban had his courage and belief in justice, what a better place the world would be.


You only ever shitpost about other people. Get your own life Penfold.


----------



## a_chap (Jun 9, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> Yes, the YP doesn't have a rep for typos like the Guardian, so there is only one thing to infer from a comment like that.
> It's no big deal, we all make bigoted comments from time to time, but playing all innocent when called out for it is not very clever.



"so there is only one thing to infer from a comment like that" is there? Only *one thing*??? Good grief. Sometimes I cannot work out whether you're paranoid, deluded or simply trying to be a troll.

Not that I give a shit what you think, OU, but I'll explain my comment mostly for the benefit of others as I suspect nothing will get through your cloth ears.

Earlier I'd said "_the piss-poor grammatical errors did make me wonder. But then I assumed the advert appeared in the Yorkshire Post so it didn't overly surprise me_."

I said this based on the time that I spent working for the Yorkshire Post and also the Yorkshire Evening Post; I've seen first hand their error-strewn copy. Also I once featured in an article in the Yorkshire Post which was so filled with factual errors that it was more fiction than fact. So, yes, I'm quite happy to refer to piss-poor grammar in the Yorkshire Post.

Me? A bigot? Do me a favour...

...and fuck off.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 9, 2018)

Fair enough. I apologise. People often make comments like that, implying that Yorkshire people are thick and ignorant. I used to work with some arseholes who would do it all the time, and that's what I took from your comment.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 9, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> FFS it's no big deal. Just noting that he made a crass joke about Yorkshire people and pretended he didn't know what I meant when I said so. The joke was a minor offence, the dishonesty was the real kicker



He didn't make a crass joke about Yorkshire people. 

It was about a rag, owned by JP, which I once had the misfortune to work for*, as it would appear a_chap did also.

* ETA: JP group, not the YP in my case.


----------



## andysays (Jun 9, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> You only ever shitpost about other people. Get your own life Penfold.



Take that chip off your shoulder, you whiny Leeds wanker.

If you don't want people to take the piss, don't throw groundless accusations of bigotry around.


----------



## T & P (Jun 9, 2018)

Well, that escalated quickly...


----------



## a_chap (Jun 9, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> Fair enough. I apologise.



Thank you


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 9, 2018)

andysays said:


> Take that chip off your shoulder, you whiny Leeds wanker.
> 
> If you don't want people to take the piss, don't throw groundless accusations of bigotry around.


I don't mind people taking the piss. But you're just a poochucker


----------



## Enviro (Jun 11, 2018)

*Security baffled as they catch man reading book in middle of rave*


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 11, 2018)

Enviro said:


> *Security baffled as they catch man reading book in middle of rave*


Heh, I've done that


----------



## Opera Buffa (Jun 12, 2018)

*throws poo*


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 12, 2018)

Bloke dumped by girlfriend after 'being haunted by 7ft ghost'


----------



## MrSki (Jun 12, 2018)

Sorry fucked up the reporting but can a lovely kind mod merge this thead with the one MrsM started? https://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/local-paper-headlines.282278/


----------



## sealion (Jun 12, 2018)

Orang Utan said:


> Heh, I've done that


I'm intrigued to know what book it was.


----------



## MrSki (Jun 12, 2018)

MrSki said:


> Sorry fucked up the reporting but can a lovely kind mod merge this thead with the one MrsM started? https://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/local-paper-headlines.282278/


I mean merge the other thread with the same title. Sorry I am a bit pissed.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 13, 2018)

sealion said:


> I'm intrigued to know what book it was.


Done it quite a few times


----------



## Voley (Jun 18, 2018)




----------



## Badgers (Jun 19, 2018)




----------



## Poi E (Jun 19, 2018)

Tito, Amanda, I love you. And your baby alligator.


----------



## bendeus (Jun 20, 2018)

Voley said:


> View attachment 138420


Any headline involving the word 'rumpus' is already nine tenths of the way to glory, imo.


----------



## petee (Jun 20, 2018)

well ... yes

*Beer pleads guilty to operating while intoxicated*

http://www.nonpareilonline.com/news...cle_ebd18430-3869-5cbb-802c-bd6ff8ea324b.html


----------



## a_chap (Jun 21, 2018)




----------



## Badgers (Jun 24, 2018)




----------



## Ground Elder (Jun 24, 2018)

*Bear statue to be banned from Welsh town after motorist thought it was real and crashed*



> Apparently she had been on holiday in Canada, or was from Canada, where bears are a common sight.


----------



## T & P (Jun 25, 2018)

Ground Elder said:


> *Bear statue to be banned from Welsh town after motorist thought it was real and crashed*


The Angel of the North won't be far behind


----------



## Badgers (Jun 27, 2018)




----------



## Voley (Jun 28, 2018)

Norwich donkeys have space-hoppers stolen:

Donkeys in Norwich have their space hoppers stolen


----------



## a_chap (Jul 3, 2018)

Not the headline.


----------



## petee (Jul 4, 2018)

Crow with Yorkshire accent caught on film


----------



## hash tag (Jul 11, 2018)

*Woman gets Kinder Egg stuck in her vagina after 'romantic' proposal goes horribly wrong*

Woman gets Kinder Egg stuck in her vagina after 'romantic' proposal goes wrong


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 11, 2018)

hash tag said:


> *Woman gets Kinder Egg stuck in her vagina after 'romantic' proposal goes horribly wrong*
> 
> Woman gets Kinder Egg stuck in her vagina after 'romantic' proposal goes wrong



Well worth reading that!


----------



## a_chap (Jul 13, 2018)

Proofreading at the BBC gets betterer...


----------



## colacubes (Jul 13, 2018)

a_chap said:


> Proofreading at the BBC gets betterer...
> 
> View attachment 141054



The second one is a link to an earlier separate story about a woman being awarded damages for the same reason. So it's not a proofreading error.


----------



## a_chap (Jul 13, 2018)

How utterly tedious of you to point that out.

-sigh-

Ok, how about this one for most useless headline?



[hopes colacubes s won't spoil this one too]

[[one too, geddit?]]


----------



## colacubes (Jul 13, 2018)

a_chap said:


> How utterly tedious of you to point that out.
> 
> -sigh-
> 
> ...



I think it's fair to bash the BBC for many reasons but that ain't one. 

Anyway that is indeed a very tedious headline


----------



## mwgdrwg (Jul 13, 2018)

Shocking!


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 13, 2018)

Just when you thought seaside violence had reached its peak...

https://www.yorkshireeveningpost.co...bay-after-altercation-with-stranger-1-9250268


----------



## OzT (Jul 16, 2018)

ETA. Posted in wrong threse, sorry!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 16, 2018)

OzT said:


> Went Saturday to see Barry Humphries at the Barbacan.
> 
> Whilst it was a good show at the end, I was sorely disappointed. My fault 100%. I didn't read the show's poster, just saw the name. And know he's near the end of his show performing road, I saw Dame Edna's farewell show, I rushed to get a ticket. Got to the Barbacan a bit early to soak in the atmosphere, my first time there, and to ensure I know where the actual theatre entrance is, I settled down with a drink to chil before the performance. Watching the other audience members starting to wander in I amazed myself at how old most of them are, and sensibly dressed too I thought for the Foreign Attache!!
> 
> ...



That's a long headline! 

Or did you post on the wrong thread?


----------



## OzT (Jul 16, 2018)

Ooops so sorry!!! I wil move that to the proper thread, cheers cupid_stunt!!!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 16, 2018)

OzT said:


> Ooops so sorry!!! I wil move that to the proper thread, cheers cupid_stunt!!!



Getting old, mate, getting old.


----------



## OzT (Jul 16, 2018)

Mouse drooped to next thread, honest!!!


----------



## JimW (Jul 16, 2018)

OzT said:


> Mouse drooped to next thread, honest!!!


Never a lonely post when you double it


----------



## DotCommunist (Jul 16, 2018)

I bought Chipping Norton News ovcer the weekend. 50p from chipping norton tescos, a tragic desk top publishing affair that feels like a school newsletter for the whole town.
The best news item is about a handwritten all caps postcard affixed to a prominent local noticeboard. I read thus:

'Chipping Norton should win Worst High Street of the Year and it would if the criteria were nothing but coffee and pizza outlets,charity shops, empty shops and a ready supply of cocaine. Its got no banks, ATM's that never work and absolutely no diversity, just a smug grubby little town trying to be something it is not'

where to start


----------



## Yossarian (Jul 17, 2018)

"When we arrived he had already fallen off the roof, he was sitting shaking his head and he then tried to fly and he nearly hit me in the face, I caught him and he threw-up all over me and he reeked of beer."

Seagulls are getting drunk and throwing up on firefighters


----------



## petee (Jul 17, 2018)

this isn't funny, really


----------



## Pickman's model (Jul 19, 2018)




----------



## Voley (Jul 23, 2018)




----------



## Ground Elder (Jul 24, 2018)

Can't find the story to go with this, but hopefully it's not Photoshop


----------



## Badgers (Jul 25, 2018)

Seems reasonable


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 26, 2018)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 26, 2018)

Underwear and sock found dumped on Chesterfield footpath


----------



## T & P (Jul 26, 2018)

*Sheffield topiarist 'disgusted by drunk hedge sex'*

Topiarist 'disgusted by drunk hedge sex' 

Worth a read


----------



## JimW (Jul 26, 2018)

Bush-based misunderstanding, I'm sure.


----------



## Badgers (Jul 26, 2018)




----------



## Badgers (Jul 26, 2018)




----------



## Mordi (Jul 26, 2018)

Badgers said:


>




This is superb. Could be improved with a picture of Sharon Bromance, 43, pointing though.

And now I've typed that name out I'm doubting the veracity of this report.


----------



## kabbes (Jul 27, 2018)

Badgers said:


>


We’ve had this a bunch of times now.  It’s a spoof.


----------



## Badgers (Jul 27, 2018)

kabbes said:


> We’ve had this a bunch of times now.  It’s a spoof.


Fuck you


----------



## JimW (Jul 27, 2018)

Badgers said:


> Fuck you


And your hat.


----------



## existentialist (Jul 28, 2018)

JimW said:


> And your hat.


And the horse you rode in on


----------



## Badgers (Jul 28, 2018)




----------



## Voley (Jul 28, 2018)

Almost everyone.


----------



## Wilf (Jul 31, 2018)

Not local, but this would have been an impressive Viz headline 20 years ago:

*Jarvis Cocker to take on Bez in Bargain Hunt special edition*

Strange how reality eventually catches up.
Jarvis Cocker to take on Bez in Bargain Hunt special edition


----------



## hash tag (Jul 31, 2018)

Anyone any good with a video camera and could do with some dosh?

Couple offer £2,000 for help with 'weird' wedding request - as no one will do it


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jul 31, 2018)

*Man puts out Southend Pier fire by peeing on it*


----------



## Badgers (Aug 1, 2018)

Listen: Woman rings 999 after she is 'mugged off' by being delivered mushroom pizza instead of meat feast


----------



## hash tag (Aug 1, 2018)

People like that deserve a night in the cells.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 2, 2018)

*Man repeatedly whacks penis on car before pooing in street while owner and daughter eat chips inside*


----------



## Opera Buffa (Aug 2, 2018)

Indeliblelink said:


> *Man repeatedly whacks penis on car before pooing in street while owner and daughter eat chips inside*




Surprising fact fta:



> _John Henson, 44, had been on a marathon drinking session_




The thing is, for non-UK Urbanites, _this _is what Britain is actually like...


----------



## Wilf (Aug 3, 2018)

Indeliblelink said:


> *Man repeatedly whacks penis on car before pooing in street while owner and daughter eat chips inside*





> The driver called the man a “dirty b*****d” and threw some chips towards him, shut her window and then screamed for her mum, a passenger in the car, to do the same.


 In my experience, flasher-knob whacking-shit in the street people are unlikely to be repelled by a volley of chips.  Same time, Redcar chips are nowhere near as good as those in Saltburn, so I can understand her desire to get rid of them.

(((Teesside)))


----------



## Artaxerxes (Aug 4, 2018)

He had a difficult upbringing, bless.


----------



## Voley (Aug 6, 2018)

"Deranged hooligans" and "Harrowing scenes" in this fine piece of Metro journalism:


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 6, 2018)

Voley said:


> "Deranged hooligans" and "Harrowing scenes" in this fine piece of Metro journalism:
> 
> View attachment 143266





> Today we launch an impassioned appeal to find the reprobates who were responsible for dumping a portion of perfectly edible chips on a car roof.
> The tasty snack was left without reason on the top of a car outside The Merchant’s House Bed and Breakfast in Frome, Somerset, and was discovered on Sunday morning.



Someone has to be taking the piss? 



> Pretty harmless, or a small act that’s symptomatic of an increasingly lawless society? This is the question that needs to be asked.
> 
> Earlier this year, similarly harrowing scenes were witnessed when a KFC meal was abandoned in broad daylight on the streets of Cheltenham.



OK, I get it, someone at the Metro is taking the piss of the local newspaper websites, their source for these articles.


----------



## existentialist (Aug 6, 2018)

Voley said:


> "Deranged hooligans" and "Harrowing scenes" in this fine piece of Metro journalism:
> 
> View attachment 143266


Clearly some kind of seagull-related activity.


----------



## Voley (Aug 6, 2018)

I personally welcome the Metro's stance on these CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY and I'm frankly APPALLED at your cynicism cupid_stunt.

I hope I never end up like you.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 6, 2018)

Here's the original source:

Chips thrown on car in Frome near bed and breakfast



> And now #Chipgate, as it has been dubbed on Twitter, has got out of hand, one resident has expressed fears over an "epidemic" of food attacks in Frome, revealing chips were shoved up his exhaust and macaroni cheese put on his car windscreen.
> 
> She said: "It just seemed a bit senseless and stupid. I'm very short so if it were my car it'd be really hard to clean off. Perhaps they'll wait for seagulls.


----------



## existentialist (Aug 6, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Here's the original source:
> 
> Chips thrown on car in Frome near bed and breakfast


That is _appallingly _shit journalism!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 6, 2018)

existentialist said:


> That is _appallingly _shit journalism!



That's average for the local press nowadays, following all the cut backs, they are on a downward spiral, a once great industry, now on it's knees, glad I got out when I did.

On the 'Hold the Front Page' industry website, the decline of standards is an ongoing topic, and there's lots of piss-taking about 'reports' like these, clearly someone at the Metro has a similar sense of humour.


----------



## ash (Aug 6, 2018)

Ashley to get new home

http://gisborneherald.co.nz/localnews/3529083-135/ashley-peacock-to-get-own-home


----------



## Poi E (Aug 6, 2018)

Jesus, the poor guy.


----------



## Voley (Aug 7, 2018)




----------



## quiet guy (Aug 7, 2018)

/\/\
He was only administering the short sharp shock


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 7, 2018)

Voley said:


> View attachment 143422


Tobyjug, is it thee?


----------



## Voley (Aug 9, 2018)

Norfolk: fucking epic.

Man in custody after having his pig untethered on Norwich’s Prince of Wales Road


----------



## existentialist (Aug 9, 2018)

The local paper has some gems today...

Peppa Pig picnic led to Folly Farm assault

Christmas assault followed sprout fight


----------



## Voley (Aug 9, 2018)

existentialist said:


> Christmas assault followed sprout fight





"The court heard that Mr Tucker woke up on a bean-bag in the early hours of Christmas Day to find an egg super-glued to his hands, and Fraser then launched an attack on him with a radiator, breaking his toe, and punched him."

"It was a good Christmas up until then."


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 9, 2018)

WATCH: Video proves man was right about otters eating his carp | Swindon Advertiser


----------



## cybershot (Aug 9, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> WATCH: Video proves man was right about otters eating his carp | Swindon Advertiser





> The footage has proved popular, with the videos appearing on the BBC News website, making Pete a rather unexpected local celebrity. He joked: “They doff their cap down at the allotments when they see me now.”


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Aug 9, 2018)

Man holds frog hostage:



> The man then reached down and picked up a frog. He wanted to hand it to the deputy, but then changed his mind and began shouting that he was holding the innocent frog hostage, as well as yelling threats at the Deputy.
> 
> A North Platte police officer arrived to assist the deputy and the subject began to throw paper and trash at the officer, while holding the frog hostage. The deputy gave the subject numerous commands to comply and calm down. Eventually the deputy deployed his Taser, releasing the frog and controlling the man.
> 
> He was taken to Great Plains Health and placed in Emergency Protective Custody. Drugs and maybe alcohol is suspected. The frog appeared to be uninjured.



Frog dropped as hostage as deputy uses taser

Once again, the last line includes the phrase "Drugs and maybe alcohol is suspected."  Nice to know that the frog was released unharmed.


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Aug 9, 2018)

Voley said:


> Norfolk: fucking epic.
> 
> Man in custody after having his pig untethered on Norwich’s Prince of Wales Road


Mr. QofG's, who has, some familiarity with the highways act, didn't believe that there was such a law regarding untethered pigs but having looked up section 155 via the power of the internet there is!! Brilliant.


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 9, 2018)

Residents stare at giant gorilla bum after complaints ape was looking into homes


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 10, 2018)

Catford fox horror for man on toilet

The story is made even better by some terrible Photoshopping


----------



## Poi E (Aug 10, 2018)

"I just had to chase after it. It was so quick." Then it got the cat!

Guess the quick brown fox jumped at the lazy mog.


----------



## Voley (Aug 10, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Catford fox horror for man on toilet
> 
> The story is made even better by some terrible Photoshopping
> 
> View attachment 143632



Hard to disagree with this tbf:

''It was like a wild animal.''


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 10, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Catford fox horror for man on toilet
> 
> The story is made even better by some terrible Photoshopping
> 
> View attachment 143632





> The startled 49-year-old leapt up from the bog with his trousers around his ankles before pursuing the creature around the living room in a farcical fox chase.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Voley (Aug 10, 2018)

I really hope they mean this literally.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 11, 2018)

Voley said:


> View attachment 143715
> 
> I really hope they mean this literally.



Sadly not. 



> The pavilion can hold more than 600 people but tickets did not sell out and only 300 turned up.
> TV comic Jim Davidson plays to lowest-ever crowd of fans



Although, he was still pissed off, so that's alright.


----------



## Badgers (Aug 11, 2018)

**


----------



## Voley (Aug 11, 2018)

Badgers said:


> **



Story I've seen about this one says they stopped considering it a possible terrorist attack when he started doing loop-the-loops. 

Eta: Actually, no. Possibly suicide. Told the air traffic control he'd let everyone down.


----------



## Poi E (Aug 11, 2018)

At least he didn't take a plane load of people with him.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 11, 2018)

Naked tombstoner fined £340 for jumping off Devon pier


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 11, 2018)

Gran is a 'prisoner in her own home' after rats made way into kitchen cupboard


----------



## petee (Aug 12, 2018)

Tourist complains on Trip Advisor the sand on beach was too wet | Metro News

_One person wrote: ‘Also went to Perranporth once and the sea was wet. ‘If you could sort that out to it would be very much appreciated.’_


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 13, 2018)

Firefighters called to 'foul-mouthed' parrot on roof of London home



> In an effort to bond with the parrot, the fire crew manager coaxed her with the words "I love you", as instructed by animal experts.
> 
> But the parrot told the firefighters to 'f*** off', according to a witness.


----------



## petee (Aug 13, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Firefighters called to 'foul-mouthed' parrot on roof of London home



hahahahahaha
foul-mouthed parrots, you say?


----------



## bendeus (Aug 14, 2018)

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 'poo jogger', 

Busted ‘poo jogger’ quits top executive job


----------



## Voley (Aug 14, 2018)

Poorly parked car in St Ives gets covered in dog shit, a gutted fish and, worse, a note saying 'I bet you listen to Nickelback.'

Poorly-parked car adorned with a dead fish, dog poo and abusive notes


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 14, 2018)

Voley said:


> Poorly parked car in St Ives gets covered in dog shit, a gutted fish and, worse, a note saying 'I bet you listen to Nickelback.'
> 
> Poorly-parked car adorned with a dead fish, dog poo and abusive notes


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 14, 2018)

Six for £3.99 on e-bay, bargain, and ordered!


----------



## bendeus (Aug 14, 2018)

Driver holds ‘innocent frog’ hostage after rolling car, yelling at police, Nebraska cops say


----------



## Opera Buffa (Aug 14, 2018)

bendeus said:


> Driver holds ‘innocent frog’ hostage after rolling car, yelling at police, Nebraska cops say



We've had that one bendeus. 

_Authorities suspect the man was under the influence of drugs and possibly alcohol. _


----------



## bendeus (Aug 14, 2018)

Opera Buffa said:


> We've had that one bendeus.
> 
> _Authorities suspect the man was under the influence of drugs and possibly alcohol. _


Damn you!


----------



## Opera Buffa (Aug 14, 2018)

Stop toadying to my comments, frogspawn. Hop it.


----------



## cybershot (Aug 16, 2018)

An escaped parrot stuck on a roof told its rescuers to 'f*** off' - Portsmouth


----------



## Opera Buffa (Aug 17, 2018)

Potato theft sparks police probe







_Anyone with information that could help the probe is asked ... to ring Crimestoppers, anonymously, on 0800 555 111._


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 17, 2018)

Opera Buffa said:


> Potato theft sparks police probe_._





> Police investigating the theft of potatoes from a farmer's field are appealing for information.



Foraging off the land 100%.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 17, 2018)

petee said:


> hahahahahaha
> foul-mouthed parrots, you say?



Throws up more questions than answers, TBF


----------



## scifisam (Aug 17, 2018)

Poi E said:


> At least he didn't take a plane load of people with him.



He did try to kill his wife and son though, by crashing the plane into their home (they got out). He was separated from them due to domestic abuse charges against him. Not sure it fits on this thread.


----------



## Voley (Aug 19, 2018)

''We're Newspaper Of The Year''


----------



## petee (Aug 19, 2018)

DaveCinzano said:


> Throws up more questions than answers, TBF





Birds for Adoption
pebble not among them


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 19, 2018)

Nick Knowles just tweeted 40 times about cafe in sandwich row


----------



## kabbes (Aug 20, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Nick Knowles just tweeted 40 times about cafe in sandwich row


“*Was Nick Knowles right to criticise the cafe? Let us know your views in the comments below.*”

Crucial stuff.


----------



## T & P (Aug 20, 2018)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 20, 2018)

Blimey, The Argus, and a few posts above the Kent & Sussex Courier - both rags I've worked for. 

I am fucking glad a got out of local papers before they turned seriously shit.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 20, 2018)

Worthing woman hospitalised after running herself over

How the fuck can anyone run themselves over? 

And, yes, I've worked for the fucking Worthing Herald too.


----------



## DotCommunist (Aug 20, 2018)

have enough baked spuds with tuna mayo on...brian harvey


----------



## Chz (Aug 21, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Blimey, The Argus, and a few posts above the Kent & Sussex Courier - both rags I've worked for.
> 
> I am fucking glad a got out of local papers before they turned seriously shit.


I thought the Argus had been purposely a bit silly for quite a long time? Not Sun/DM silly, but light-hearted.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 21, 2018)

Chz said:


> I thought the Argus had been purposely a bit silly for quite a long time? Not Sun/DM silly, but light-hearted.



It's a long time since I've worked for Newsquest, and I only ever see it on the news shelves, so no idea TBH.


----------



## Opera Buffa (Aug 21, 2018)




----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 21, 2018)

Man poos in front of house and then punches owner


----------



## dessiato (Aug 21, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> ...
> How the fuck can anyone run themselves over?  ...


It's much easier than you'd think.

A few years ago I was on Daytona Beach. The car got a bit bogged down. I got out and dug away at the wheels. The car was an automatic, it was in gear. I came very, very close to running myself over.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 21, 2018)

dessiato said:


> It's much easier than you'd think.
> 
> A few years ago I was on Daytona Beach. The car got a bit bogged down. I got out and dug away at the wheels. The car was an automatic, it was in gear. I came very, very close to running myself over.



Yeah, but that's you, the most accident prone man in the world.


----------



## Wilf (Aug 21, 2018)

kabbes said:


> “*Was Nick Knowles right to criticise the cafe? Let us know your views in the comments below.*”
> 
> Crucial stuff.





> He revealed he did not wait for the meal because he had an event to attend.


 Must admit, I've lost a lot of respect for him know. If I ever want a feel good, bring the community together type solution to someone's DIY disasters, I may have to look elsewhere. Never thought I'd ever have to type those words.


----------



## Opera Buffa (Aug 23, 2018)




----------



## cybershot (Aug 23, 2018)

Surely she's the dickhead for thinking Unicorns are real?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 23, 2018)

‘Large bin’ on A27 in Brighton causes traffic

I assumed the headline should have read 'causes traffic chaos', but no, it appears it wasn't actually causing any real problem. 

The full 'report'...



> *There are reports of a ‘large bin’ on the A27 in Brighton which is causing traffic.*
> 
> At around 7am, traffic reports suggested the bin could be found in the westbound lane of the A27 between Devil’s Dyke Road to the Portslade turnoff.
> 
> *Traffic has been coping well with the obstruction, according to traffic reports.*


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 23, 2018)

Three Peaks charity walkers 'making lives hell'


----------



## kabbes (Aug 23, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Three Peaks charity walkers 'making lives hell'


I sympathise with them, actually.  It’s a mess of a situation.  These are people’s homes, not a theme park.


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 23, 2018)

kabbes said:


> I sympathise with them, actually.  It’s a mess of a situation.  These are people’s homes, not a theme park.


The hills were there first tbf


----------



## kabbes (Aug 23, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> The hills were there first tbf


But the charity events were not.  They’re what are causing the problems — the article makes that plain.  Thousand of drunken people causing chaos at 5:30am on a regular basis is not on.


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 23, 2018)

kabbes said:


> the article makes that plain


This thread is about headlines, not articles 

I'm sure it's a pain in the arse for locals, but "living hell" might be overstating things slightly


----------



## kabbes (Aug 23, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> This thread is about headlines, not articles
> 
> I'm sure it's a pain in the arse for locals, but "living hell" might be overstating things slightly


I’m not sure it is, from the sounds of it.


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 23, 2018)

kabbes said:


> I’m not sure it is, from the sounds of it.


It's probably an annoyance, but I'm sure there's plenty of people with worse problems who'd gladly swap with them.

Anyway, back to the spirit of the thread - Highway planners likened to “Monty Python sketchwriters”

Worst Monty Python sketch ever


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 23, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> It's probably an annoyance, but I'm sure there's plenty of people with worse problems who'd gladly swap with them.
> 
> Anyway, back to the spirit of the thread - Highway planners likened to “Monty Python sketchwriters”
> 
> Worst Monty Python sketch ever



He thinks this is a pothole?






What's that, maximum an inch? That's a blip in the road, he needs to come here to see proper potholes.


----------



## Voley (Aug 23, 2018)




----------



## Mordi (Aug 24, 2018)

Voley said:


> View attachment 144837



Is this a ticketed event?


----------



## Voley (Aug 24, 2018)




----------



## Steel Icarus (Aug 24, 2018)

Voley said:


> View attachment 144845


Although that headline makes for a good album track title, the sub should have made it "Owl is not as it seems". Because if you say owl wrongly it sounds a bit like "all".


----------



## OzT (Aug 24, 2018)

Over explanation . . . .


----------



## cybershot (Aug 24, 2018)

S☼I said:


> Although that headline makes for a good album track title, the sub should have made it "Owl is not as it seems". Because if you say owl wrongly it sounds a bit like "all".



It's from Twin Peaks





https://www.quora.com/Twin-Peaks-TV...the-statement-the-owls-are-not-what-they-seem


----------



## Steel Icarus (Aug 24, 2018)

Ah. Never saw it. Well, one episode while as baked as I've ever been. And yes, it was the backwards dwarf one.


----------



## Wilf (Aug 24, 2018)

DotCommunist said:


> have enough baked spuds with tuna mayo on...brian harvey


To be honest, this should be a lesson to anybody who gets the cheese/beans thing wrong.


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 24, 2018)




----------



## Artaxerxes (Aug 24, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> View attachment 144878



Announcing the royal baby?


----------



## SpookyFrank (Aug 24, 2018)

Plane passenger screamed 'we are all going to die' while circling airport


----------



## petee (Aug 24, 2018)

Gaming addict lost Welsh accent after only communicating with internationals online


----------



## Badgers (Aug 24, 2018)

‘Hot Dog in a Bum’? Restaurant apologises for typo on children’s menu


----------



## JimW (Aug 24, 2018)

Badgers said:


> ‘Hot Dog in a Bum’? Restaurant apologises for typo on children’s menu


Brown sauce with that, sir?


----------



## hash tag (Aug 24, 2018)

Cheeky.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 25, 2018)




----------



## felixthecat (Aug 26, 2018)

Haystack on fire

What passed for headline news here in the sticks. Talk about all or nothing - it's either Novichok or burning haystacks


----------



## Opera Buffa (Aug 26, 2018)

'ISIS militants' turned out to be beard club meeting | Metro News


----------



## Opera Buffa (Aug 26, 2018)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 27, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> View attachment 144878


Insular Celtic Daesh duo in herbicidal Sharia rampage shocker


----------



## Steel Icarus (Aug 27, 2018)

Badgers said:


> ‘Hot Dog in a Bum’? Restaurant apologises for typo on children’s menu


Can't express how much I love the fact that the Lowestoft Journal explains how the menu _should_ have read.


----------



## kabbes (Aug 27, 2018)

SpookyFrank said:


> Plane passenger screamed 'we are all going to die' while circling airport


It was a jolly and amusing story until all of a sudden it wasn’t.

First, there were the victims of her behaviour



> ...and caused another passenger to have a seizure with her behaviour on board the Jet2 flight.
> 
> Jagdev, who had drunk up to eight beers and six wines, had been continually kicking the seat the woman's 15-year-old autistic daughter was seated in



And then came the tragic backstory.


> Ahmed Khan, defending, said his client had an alcohol problem.
> 
> He added that she had turned to alcohol when she lost an unborn child and split from her husband in 2015.



I do wish papers wouldn’t use such trivialised headlines.


----------



## MrSki (Aug 28, 2018)




----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 28, 2018)

WATCH the moment fishing family pull sawn-off shotgun out of Black Country canal


----------



## DotCommunist (Aug 28, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> WATCH the moment fishing family pull sawn-off shotgun out of Black Country canal


we've all seen Peaky Blinders


----------



## hash tag (Aug 28, 2018)

"Mr Lars declared enough was enough when Zafar tossed a young woman into the air with his nose"

Read more at: https://inews.co.uk/news/world/bay-of-brest-bans-beach-swimming-due-to-frisky-dolphin-called-zafar/


----------



## Voley (Aug 31, 2018)

Truly incredible scenes in Penzance recently.

*"Strange 'figure' appears on Penzance wall and no one can decide what it is"*

Strange figure appears on wall and no one can decide what it is


----------



## fishfinger (Aug 31, 2018)

Voley said:


> Truly incredible scenes in Penzance recently.
> 
> *"Strange 'figure' appears on Penzance wall and no one can decide what it is"*
> 
> Strange figure appears on wall and no one can decide what it is


I've just restored the image:


----------



## Voley (Sep 1, 2018)




----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 3, 2018)

Police make arrest after giraffe used as battering ram in Crowngate burglary


----------



## existentialist (Sep 3, 2018)

A complete non-story 

Snake found in Johnston garden was believed to be world's most venomous

Note well the "was believed to"


----------



## cybershot (Sep 3, 2018)

Giant rats caught on camera terrorising city playground

Due to the website being a fucking disgrace for ads, here's the 'giant' aka 'perfectly normal sized rats in a park'


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 3, 2018)

cybershot said:


> Due to the website being a fucking disgrace for ads...



Most local newspaper site are, that's why I use an adblocker, so I don't see any of them.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Sep 3, 2018)

*'Odd' bench faces the wrong way at Hangleton Co-op*

link fixed for Badgers now


----------



## Badgers (Sep 3, 2018)

Indeliblelink said:


> 'Odd' bench faces the wrong way at Hangleton Co-op


Worst link ever


----------



## existentialist (Sep 3, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Most local newspaper site are, that's why I use an adblocker, so I don't see any of them.


My local news website bitches like a mutha about me having an adblocker switched on. I ignore it - the bit of the page complaining about the adblocker is still smaller than the screeds of ads and popups that appear if I don't.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 3, 2018)

existentialist said:


> My local news website bitches like a mutha about me having an adblocker switched on. I ignore it - the bit of the page complaining about the adblocker is still smaller than the screeds of ads and popups that appear if I don't.



Which local rag website?


----------



## existentialist (Sep 3, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Which local rag website?


Western Telegraph


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 3, 2018)

existentialist said:


> Western Telegraph



I thought it would be a Newsquest site, used to get about 1/3rd of the screen blocked with an anti-adblocker message on their Brighton Argus site, but that disappeared for me some weeks ago, and looking at the Western Telegraph's site, I am not seeing it on there either.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 3, 2018)

Cat caught breaking into bookmakers on Shields Road in Byker


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 3, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Cat caught breaking into bookmakers on Shields Road in Byker



The first line of the article is better than the headline IMO...



> *A sneaky cat burglar* was caught in the act when it set off the alarm at a bookies.





> Officers were prepared to come face-to-face with a “fur-midable” foe when they arrived at the bookmakers.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 3, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> The first line of the article is better than the headline IMO...


The last line is gold too.

“After a stern talking to the cat went on its way empty handed and hopefully it will think twice about breaking in to anywhere else again!”

I'm sure the cat didn't give a fuck


----------



## Wilf (Sep 3, 2018)

Indeliblelink said:


> *'Odd' bench faces the wrong way at Hangleton Co-op*





> They put a new one in facing the wrong way, a few customers have said they found it very interesting


 The curse of interesting times.


----------



## petee (Sep 4, 2018)

109-Year-Old Woman Uses Loophole To Make Restaurant Pay Her To Eat There On Her Birthday

_Western Montana resident Helen Self just celebrated her 109th birthday, and she knew exactly where she wanted to celebrate with her friends and family.

The Montana Club in Missoula offers a special discount for patrons based on their age; the older you are, the bigger the discount.

For example, a person celebrating their 21st birthday would be entitled to a 21% discount.
_
bonus: george takei's website


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 4, 2018)

I fucking love that ^^^


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 4, 2018)

*Capstone Hill Tour of Britain bike turned into penis*



> It's created quite a bit of a buzz


----------



## Yossarian (Sep 5, 2018)

petee said:


> 109-Year-Old Woman Uses Loophole To Make Restaurant Pay Her To Eat There On Her Birthday
> 
> _Western Montana resident Helen Self just celebrated her 109th birthday, and she knew exactly where she wanted to celebrate with her friends and family.
> 
> ...





> The centenarian was *surrounded by two dozen friends and relatives* on Friday. When the check arrived, it indicated that her meal was free, but she also gained 9% back in cash...
> 
> Self didn't go overboard with her order. For her celebratory dinner, Self ordered some shrimp. Her bill wound up earning her around $1.30.



That restaurant owner seems to have things figured out pretty well.


----------



## existentialist (Sep 5, 2018)

Yossarian said:


> That restaurant owner seems to have things figured out pretty well.


I don't suppose all the publicity has hurt him, either.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 6, 2018)

*City of Edinburgh Council announced plans to fight the problem of speeding by introducing life-sized cardboard imitations of traffic police officers at roadsides.*
*
Edinburgh Evening News took the piss...

 
*


----------



## petee (Sep 6, 2018)

Woman allegedly rips out victim's colostomy bag, hits him with iron over exorcism money

"Bertha Ocejo, 56, showed up at the victim's home on Avenue 304 around 5 p.m. Thursday. She asked the man for $5,000 to go to Mexico and have an exorcism but became angry when the victim wouldn't hand over the money."


----------



## T & P (Sep 7, 2018)

*Security confused to find man reading a book in the middle of a rave*

Security confused to find man reading a book in the middle of a rave | Metro News


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 8, 2018)

Shocked couple find badger in wheelie bin

Checking the bins again Badgers?


----------



## petee (Sep 11, 2018)

Grocery store worker admits to eating $9K worth of deli meat

"The store's loss prevention manager received a tip that an employee had been eating three to five slices of ham nearly every day over eight years. Authorities say she also sometimes ate salami."


----------



## Wilf (Sep 11, 2018)

petee said:


> Grocery store worker admits to eating $9K worth of deli meat
> 
> "The store's loss prevention manager received a tip that an employee had been eating three to five slices of ham nearly every day over eight years. Authorities say she also sometimes ate salami."


Which might be about $3 per working day (?). FFS, why couldn't they just sack her rather than get the cops.


----------



## Epona (Sep 11, 2018)

petee said:


> Grocery store worker admits to eating $9K worth of deli meat
> 
> "The store's loss prevention manager received a tip that an employee had been eating three to five slices of ham nearly every day over eight years. Authorities say she also sometimes ate salami."



OMG, Salami is clearly out of order


----------



## Yossarian (Sep 11, 2018)

So her colleague watched her eat five slices of ham every day for eight years before deciding to rat her out?


----------



## dessiato (Sep 11, 2018)

The tourists paying €25 to be grape harvesters for a day in Spain


----------



## rekil (Sep 11, 2018)

> The ghost of the 7ft ringmaster



Oh yes.


----------



## kabbes (Sep 11, 2018)

Yossarian said:


> So her colleague watched her eat five slices of ham every day for eight years before deciding to rat her out?


Revenge is a dish best served cold meats


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Sep 12, 2018)

- The Washington Post



> Novelist who wrote about ‘How to Murder Your Husband’ charged with murdering her husband


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 12, 2018)

FUMING: War veteran, 90s, told he can't put apples in garden waste bin | Swindon Advertiser



> He added: “I wonder what Monty Don does with his falling apples?”



FUMING


----------



## Poi E (Sep 12, 2018)

In South Africa local papers have strong journos that regularly attack the local and central governments. But then I'm starting to think civil society there is healthier than here.


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 12, 2018)

From a few years ago, but worth a post


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 13, 2018)

*Poo-throwing pensioner tells reporter: ‘I want to shoot your editor in the head’*



> A pensioner who threw dog poo at her neighbours as part of a violent campaign of harrassment said she wanted to shoot a weekly editor in the head after being told her exploits would be covered  in the newspaper.
> 
> Barbera Minns, left, launched the verbal attack at West Briton journalist Chris Matthews when he attempted to reach her for a comment following her conviction for a string of offences.
> 
> Minns, 72, subjected her neighbours in Falmouth to a prolonged period of violent harassment which included threatening them with knives, attempting to poison their pets and throwing dog poo at them.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 13, 2018)

Twitter anger after Toby Foster says Worcester sauce is ‘perfect alternative’ to Henderson’s Relish


----------



## cybershot (Sep 13, 2018)

Watch the terrifying moment a speeding van flies over a busy roundabout - Portsmouth


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 13, 2018)

cybershot said:


> Watch the terrifying moment a speeding van flies over a busy roundabout - Portsmouth





> “It is quite a bad roundabout, he just didn’t see what was coming because he was going so fast,” added Mr Daynes.



Bad roundabout? It's a very naughty roundabout. 

With a fucking great big sign & yellow road markings warning about it being there.


----------



## Voley (Sep 13, 2018)

TripAdvisor reviews of plastic tunnel in Bude suspended after it becomes town's top attraction:



Sample review: "It was the same sense of awe as I have felt visiting the Sistine Chapel, ruins in Pompei and the amphitheatre at Verona. Highly recommended."

Reviews suspended on tunnel after it becomes town's top attraction


----------



## Badgers (Sep 13, 2018)

Voley said:


> TripAdvisor reviews of plastic tunnel in Bude suspended after it becomes town's top attraction:
> 
> View attachment 146860
> 
> ...



A classic 
Has it's own thread 

Bude Tunnel


----------



## Yossarian (Sep 13, 2018)

Voley said:


> TripAdvisor reviews of plastic tunnel in Bude suspended after it becomes town's top attraction:
> 
> View attachment 146860
> 
> ...







> Whilst visiting an inferior tunnel in the picturesque cultural hub of Croydon I was reminded of these words:
> 
> 'Into my heart an air that kills
> From yon far country blows:
> ...


----------



## Voley (Sep 14, 2018)

Who Legend Pete Townsend not to play gig in Redruth:

The Who legend Pete Townshend to play at Cornish venue


----------



## Voley (Sep 14, 2018)

Sex Pistols also not to play Redruth:

Why the mysterious Sex Pistols gig in Cornwall gets more mysterious


----------



## Voley (Sep 14, 2018)

Boy George and The B-52's also not to play Redruth:

Boy George may be singing with classic new wave band The B-52s in a Cornish pub

Theme developing here I think. I predict U2 won't be playing Redruth any time soon too. You heard it here first etc.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 14, 2018)

And, in other news, I am not going to play in Cornwall.


----------



## Voley (Sep 14, 2018)

The Sex Pistols one is worth reading tbf. The guy that runs the Rose Cottage pub has form for advertising gigs that never stand a hope in hell of happening (ie The B52's with Boy George singing.  ) so the journo rang him up to check it out. When he's told it's a journalist he accuses him of being 'a little man' and later left a comment at the bottom of the article saying that he was jealous of him because he's got hair.



> I shrank under my baldness instantly jealous of this man's hair and presence


----------



## a_chap (Sep 14, 2018)

Penis-shaped weather warning issued for Devon and Cornwall


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 15, 2018)

Woman recalls how visit from late mother as a stag convinced her to fight Norfolk substation plans


----------



## JimW (Sep 15, 2018)

She was so very deer to me.


----------



## dessiato (Sep 15, 2018)

If only the headline was real maybe readers would understand how gullible they often are.


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 16, 2018)

Edited, as there's another headline thread I favour more than this. I suggest you all go there.


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 16, 2018)

*Lidl car park blocked by out-of-control trolleys, drivers stuck*



> One mum said: "People's stupidity amazes me on a daily basis


----------



## Calamity1971 (Sep 17, 2018)

Cat brings home bag of drugs worth hundreds of pounds


----------



## Poi E (Sep 17, 2018)

Yeah but cats always remove the tastiest bits first.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 17, 2018)

Calamity1971 said:


> Cat brings home bag of drugs worth hundreds of pounds



I want both that cat, and its drugs.


----------



## T & P (Sep 17, 2018)

Calamity1971 said:


> Cat brings home bag of drugs worth hundreds of pounds


The thing is, I wouldn’t bet against the possibility of the wrong copper being sent out and me ending up being arrested and charged with drug offences for trying to be a law-upholding citizen.

Best not to risk it imo.


----------



## petee (Sep 17, 2018)

Spiders blamed after broken siren played creepy nursery rhymes randomly at night to UK townsfolk


----------



## Opera Buffa (Sep 17, 2018)

Road rage driver yells 'Go boil your head in a pan of piss you specky c***' | Metro News


----------



## Voley (Sep 18, 2018)

*Spiders blamed after broken siren played creepy nursery rhymes randomly at night to UK townsfolk*

There's a video. It sounds like something from Nightmare On Elm Street. 

Spiders blamed after broken siren played creepy nursery rhymes randomly at night to UK townsfolk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 18, 2018)

Voley. just two posts above yours.


----------



## Poi E (Sep 18, 2018)

You're showing your age when...


----------



## Whagwan (Sep 18, 2018)

*'Look what the cat dragged in' - pet brings home bagful of drugs worth hundreds in St Pauls*

Cat brings home bag of drugs worth hundreds of pounds

Snitches get scratches.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 18, 2018)

It must be the day for cat stories 

Cat walks into Rugby supermarket, knocks over a box of cat food and takes a nap in the aisle


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 18, 2018)

Meet the Fleet woman who can devour 3kg kebabs in 5 minutes flat


----------



## twentythreedom (Sep 18, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> It must be the day for cat stories
> 
> Cat walks into Rugby supermarket, knocks over a box of cat food and takes a nap in the aisle





> “I asked the cashier if she knew there was a cat over in the pet aisle. “She said yes she knew it was there and that it was a regular. “I’m not sure who owned it – but it was completely chilled out. The cat looked like it didn’t even care".


----------



## a_chap (Sep 18, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Meet the Fleet woman who can devour 3kg kebabs in 5 minutes flat



Eating challenges. The First World is wonderful...


----------



## T & P (Sep 18, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Voley. just two posts above yours.


And a mere week after I bumped a thread about nursery rhymes in this forum to share the very same story. But i’m not petty like that and will not hold it against either poster though 

Without doubt my favourite news story of the year. Brilliant in every sense.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 19, 2018)

Watch yobs burst into Newcastle pub and pelt punters with EGGS


----------



## Calamity1971 (Sep 19, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Watch yobs burst into Newcastle pub and pelt punters with EGGS


Can you have ' A quiet pint' in a yate's


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 19, 2018)

Calamity1971 said:


> Can you have ' A quiet pint' in a yate's


I think the story has been over egged a bit. It also has this line which is overstating things a bit if you watch the video 


> One man flees from his seat to avoid the attack


----------



## hash tag (Sep 19, 2018)

There was a yolk in there somewhere, but I reckon you've cracked it.


----------



## petee (Sep 19, 2018)

Texas grandma kills 12-foot gator, says she's finally avenged her miniature horse | Animals | Dallas News

_The pond where she killed the beast is the same one where her grandson, then 5, felled a gator nine years ago._


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 20, 2018)

Sid Owen couldn't be happier to star in Lowestoft panto







He looks thrilled


----------



## trabuquera (Sep 20, 2018)

. (sorry - didn't check page before posting)


----------



## Indeliblelink (Sep 20, 2018)

Pensioner who eats TEN sausage rolls a day furious to find pack contained only 9


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 20, 2018)

Indeliblelink said:


> Pensioner who eats TEN sausage rolls a day furious to find pack contained only 9





> Now he says he has given up eating sausage rolls altogether, because he believes Aldi should have done more to make him aware that a previous batch was recalled.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 20, 2018)

King Arthur vs Wilshire Council 

King Arthur Pendragon suing Wiltshire Council over Experimental Traffic Order | Salisbury Journal



> King Arthur says the Order "gives an unfair monopoly on parking in the environs of the World Heritage Site to English Heritage


----------



## MrSki (Sep 20, 2018)




----------



## MrSki (Sep 20, 2018)




----------



## petee (Sep 21, 2018)

follow up

No Charges For Worker In Cold Cut Theft Case

she looks less than shamed


----------



## dessiato (Sep 21, 2018)

Florida Police Report Arrest Of Captain Dickhead


----------



## dessiato (Sep 21, 2018)

I've put this on the worst tattoo thread because it seems to fit both here and there.
Man With World's Worst Forehead Tattoo Is Arrested For Assaulting, Groping Woman


----------



## MrSki (Sep 21, 2018)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 21, 2018)

Much-loved Worthing Crematorium cat to be remembered at memorial service


----------



## Yossarian (Sep 22, 2018)




----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 22, 2018)

Retired nurse barred from Worcester tip due to double-axle trailer ban


----------



## danny la rouge (Sep 22, 2018)

Yossarian said:


> View attachment 147694


You laugh, but that’s newsworthy.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 24, 2018)

Slow news day at The Chronicle? 

Which Newcastle Wetherspoon pub has the cheapest drinks?


----------



## Badgers (Sep 24, 2018)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 24, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Slow news day at The Chronicle?
> 
> Which Newcastle Wetherspoon pub has the cheapest drinks?





> A pint of Foster's in the High Main, Byker, costs just £2.15, although customers pay £3.25 for the same drink in Gosforth's branch.



Blimey, that's a hell of a difference.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 24, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Blimey, that's a hell of a difference.


Is the one in Byker the kind of shitfest that you imagine it is?


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 24, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Blimey, that's a hell of a difference.


There is a hell of a difference between Byker and Gosforth in general tbf


----------



## Calamity1971 (Sep 24, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> There is a hell of a difference between Byker and Gosforth in general tbf


I remember the first time I went to byker (didn't live up here then, I was doing the hadrians wall C2C) and commented to a friend that the prison was a bit posh as nearly all the windows had nets up. It was that housing estate surrounded by a big fuck off wall.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 24, 2018)

Calamity1971 said:


> It was that housing estate surrounded by a big fuck off wall.


Interesting article about it here - Byker Wall: Newcastle's noble failure of an estate – a history of cities in 50 buildings, day 41


----------



## Calamity1971 (Sep 24, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Interesting article about it here - Byker Wall: Newcastle's noble failure of an estate – a history of cities in 50 buildings, day 41


Never knew it was grade 2 listed!


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 24, 2018)

I’m not entirely convinced that this isn’t a parody site 

Tree crushes Jake Mangle-Wurzel's infamous car which has a sink on top


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 24, 2018)




----------



## petee (Sep 24, 2018)

SF _Chronicle_


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 25, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> I’m not entirely convinced that this isn’t a parody site
> 
> Tree crushes Jake Mangle-Wurzel's infamous car which has a sink on top
> 
> View attachment 147865



As with so many of these local 'news stories', they give the impression of being a parody, but that site is legit, it's the Huddersfield Examiner, part of Reach PLC, the new name for the Trinity Mirror group.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 25, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Much-loved Worthing Crematorium cat to be remembered at memorial service



Updated - ‘Unique and moving’ service in memory of much-loved Worthing crematorium cat


----------



## petee (Sep 25, 2018)

Mom hits beer bong at college tailgate while husband watches in adoration

headline is better than the video, tbh


----------



## existentialist (Sep 25, 2018)

Pub hit by 'terrible smell' hopes to re-open this week


----------



## Wilf (Sep 26, 2018)

petee said:


> Mom hits beer bong at college tailgate while husband watches in adoration
> 
> headline is better than the video, tbh


A more accurate headline would have been 'Woman Drinks Just Over Half a Pint'.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 28, 2018)

Is a dealer in heroines some sort of upmarket pimp?


----------



## hash tag (Sep 28, 2018)

*Crazy, plane crazy *

*Man arrested for chasing after plane at Dublin Airport*


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 28, 2018)

hash tag said:


> *Crazy, plane crazy *
> 
> *Man arrested for chasing after plane at Dublin Airport*



They should have shot the plane happy bastard.


----------



## Ground Elder (Sep 28, 2018)

Ground Elder said:


> Edited, as there's another headline thread I favour more than this. I suggest you all go there.





cupid_stunt said:


> View attachment 148256



It's where I posted this one, a few days ago


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 28, 2018)

Ground Elder said:


> It's where I posted this one, a few days ago



Oh, FFS, there's 2 threads with very similar titles, I thought this one seemed short on pages, but it's what came up in a search.

Lazy Llama - any chance of merging this thread with the main one:
https://www.urban75.net/forums/threads/local-paper-headlines.282278/page-105
- but keeping 'newspaper' in the title, which is a more logical search term than just 'paper' considering both are about NEWSpapers.


----------



## Lazy Llama (Sep 28, 2018)

Done


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 28, 2018)

Lazy Llama said:


> Done



Good man, first class service.


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Sep 29, 2018)

La Guardia Civil identifica a “La banda de la bicicleta”, un grupo de adolescentes que actuaba en urbanizaciones de Haro

Our local e-paper. Obligatory reading about the row that the town band is having with the council and who won the football.


Basically a group of 6 lads(4 of them minors) spent some of the summer nicking bikes from holiday homes like these: 

They got caught. One them owned up, one used his right to remain silent and 4 more said it was definitely the other boys who did it, but not them! Classic.

Of itself it's quite serious. I'm glad that the Guardias "set up an operation" to catch them, especially if there were far more bikes than these four, which is what everybody is saying. Breaking into the gardens of homes at night with boltcutters is not funny. And it's a small town where something like this does not happen much. People got quite scared.

What qualifies it as a bit OTT is the incredible writing of the piece, in a breathless present tense and totally overblown:

"Los dispositivos de seguridad que se establecen en la zona de actuación de los delincuentes y las informaciones que aportan los vecinos, sirven para centrar la investigación sobre una banda juvenil, en su mayoría menores de edad y residentes en la ciudad" 

" The security units established in the area of operations of the delinquents and the information supplied by neighbours focus the investigation on a juvenile gang, mostly youngsters and resident in the town"

Spanish journalese is always a bit florid but this boils down to:

"A police car went round to the estate, took a look, spoke to the neighbours and had a fair idea who dunnit"


----------



## Voley (Sep 29, 2018)

You'd like Indian journalism I think JuanTwoThree. They go for the sensational but also dress it up in very archaic Raj-era language. There's a Times Of India one I can't remember word-for-word but was along the lines of 'The miscreants absconded with the loot, repaired to their mountain hideaway and then vanished into thin air!'


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Sep 29, 2018)

Voley said:


> You'd like Indian journalism



I've come across it from my interest in language in general. I like the way words like 'footpads' are still used, and I love 'prepone'. Some of it is a bit euphemistic: calling sexual harassment or assault of women 'Eve-teasing' for example. 

I'm trying to remember the IndE for plimsolls or runners, it might be 'fleetfoots' but Google isn't helping.


----------



## Voley (Sep 29, 2018)

JuanTwoThree said:


> I've come across it from my interest in language in general. I like the way words like 'footpads' are still used, and I love 'prepone'. Some of it is a bit euphemistic: calling sexual harassment or assault of women 'Eve-teasing' for example.
> 
> I'm trying to remember the IndE for plimsolls or runners, it might be 'fleetfoots' but Google isn't helping.


Yes, 'footpad' is a regular one. A recidivist criminal is a 'history-sheeter.' Yes, that eve-teasing one is grim as is referring to an entire Indian state as 'known for their nefarious ways' (as I once saw in the local Goan paper). 

'Chappals' for sandals I know but not sure about plimsolls.


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Sep 29, 2018)

Voley Found it: P26 of this along with lots of other good stuff

http://shodhganga.inflibnet.ac.in/bitstream/10603/138271/8/08_chapter 3.pdf


----------



## Voley (Sep 29, 2018)

JuanTwoThree said:


> Voley Found it: P26 of this along with lots of other good stuff
> 
> http://shodhganga.inflibnet.ac.in/bitstream/10603/138271/8/08_chapter 3.pdf


Ooh, I shall have a good look at that later, thanks. 

I like this one:

"followers of the roped square" - boxing fans

Also, the inversion thing I came across a fair bit. 'Timepass' is one I heard a bit for pastime etc.


----------



## petee (Sep 30, 2018)

Republican Candidate: My Alien Abduction Doesn’t Define Me As A Person - The Intellectualist


----------



## pesh (Oct 1, 2018)




----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 1, 2018)

Serial killer Rose West 'wins first prize in prison Bake Off'


----------



## Calamity1971 (Oct 1, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Serial killer Rose West 'wins first prize in prison Bake Off'


I call bullshit.


----------



## dessiato (Oct 2, 2018)

Woman wins Nobel Prize in physics for the third time in 117 years | Metro News

That's impressive, she must be quite old. But three Nobel...

(The article corrects the impression given by the headline.)


----------



## editor (Oct 3, 2018)




----------



## Voley (Oct 3, 2018)

This is amazing.


----------



## petee (Oct 3, 2018)

This Boerum Hill luxury one bedroom has a rooftop studio that once housed Ex Lax test monkeys

lovely apartment.
but, y'know, laxative test monkeys.


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 4, 2018)

Merton's new bin collection has finally begun


----------



## Voley (Oct 4, 2018)

That photo: a classic of the genre. Also, I like that someone was 'horrified' by the bins; 'a blight on the community.'


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 4, 2018)

Voley said:


> That photo: a classic of the genre. Also, I like that someone was 'horrified' by the bins; 'a blight on the community.'



True, but in the interest of balance, we must have a 'delighted' resident giving the thumbs up...






Colliers Wood woman DELIGHTED by arrival of her new bins | Wimbledon Guardian


----------



## existentialist (Oct 4, 2018)

Voley said:


> You'd like Indian journalism I think JuanTwoThree. They go for the sensational but also dress it up in very archaic Raj-era language. There's a Times Of India one I can't remember word-for-word but was along the lines of 'The miscreants absconded with the loot, repaired to their mountain hideaway and then vanished into thin air!'


Gulf journalism is just like that, too, with extra undertones of moral outrage.


----------



## Yossarian (Oct 4, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Merton's new bin collection has finally begun
> 
> View attachment 148753



I think these three know more than they're letting on.


----------



## Mordi (Oct 4, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Merton's new bin collection has finally begun
> 
> View attachment 148753



Looks like they got the entire neighbourhood watch out for this one. Best not mess, the chap on the left is probably packing.


----------



## Chz (Oct 4, 2018)

And now Veolia have half the London boroughs in their grasp. They really are quite shit, so I can understand the frustrated residents. I'll wager it's better than it was for us. There's a big Croydon-Merton-Richmond-Sutton contract for waste and Sutton (where I am) was first in line to switch over. I think it took 6 weeks for them to get my recycling when they started.


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 4, 2018)

Vintage porn found stashed in bed during house clearance


----------



## Calamity1971 (Oct 4, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Vintage porn found stashed in bed during house clearance


He has seen all manner of things but this takes some *beating! . *


----------



## Yossarian (Oct 5, 2018)




----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 6, 2018)

Mr Motivator comes to Mecca Bingo Leeds for madcap game of Bingo Lingo


----------



## T & P (Oct 6, 2018)

Voley said:


> That photo: a classic of the genre. Also, I like that someone was 'horrified' by the bins; 'a blight on the community.'


I'm sure it'll be featuring in the Angry People in Local Newspapers blog in no time...


----------



## a_chap (Oct 6, 2018)

Florida store owner: Don't warm urine in my microwave


----------



## MrSki (Oct 7, 2018)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 7, 2018)




----------



## MrSki (Oct 7, 2018)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 7, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Merton's new bin collection has finally begun
> 
> View attachment 148753


Beautiful framing from the photographer - particularly like the ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’-style set-up: “Three angry gammons, two enraged sisters, and a creepy guy who kept himself to himself”


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 8, 2018)

Motorist crashed into a wall while looking at ducks


----------



## two sheds (Oct 8, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Motorist crashed into a wall while looking at ducks



"admitted driving without due care and attention" 

looking at ducks shows due care and attention


----------



## petee (Oct 8, 2018)

two sheds said:


> looking at ducks shows due care and attention



not gulls tho'


----------



## two sheds (Oct 8, 2018)

was ducks not gulls


----------



## two sheds (Oct 8, 2018)

i had a duck live at the back of me one time used to lead her ducklets down to the stream through the long grass, just saw a head and loads of little ducklet wiggles following behind her 

don't get that with gulls.


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 9, 2018)

Ducks are bastards. Forever causing crashes and traffic hold ups. Last Easter Sunday we were speeding down the M5, when mother duck and her brood came into view on the hard shoulder, poised to waddle straight into the traffic.  We didn't look back


----------



## JimW (Oct 9, 2018)

"Don't slow down, this is duck country."


----------



## two sheds (Oct 9, 2018)

Ground Elder said:


> Ducks are bastards. Forever causing crashes and traffic hold ups. Last Easter Sunday we were speeding down the M5, when mother duck and her brood came into view on the hard shoulder, poised to waddle straight into the traffic.  We didn't look back




Yep, some mothers have absolutely no road sense. Can't watch to the end


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 9, 2018)

Don't worry - it's got a happy ending


----------



## two sheds (Oct 9, 2018)

Aww ta - still really needed a "Contains distressing scenes" warning though.


----------



## petee (Oct 9, 2018)

Did the commissioner accused of sphincter bleaching just compare the mayor to Hitler?


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 10, 2018)

Ryanair hell: 'All they offered me was a £3.50 voucher'

Not quite worthy of a thread of it's own


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 10, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Ryanair hell: 'All they offered me was a £3.50 voucher'
> 
> Not quite worthy of a thread of it's own





> A holidaymaker has slammed Ryanair after she was delayed for over 14 hours - and offered just £3.50 for food.
> 
> Livid Sheridan Bywater claims the offer was so meagre, she didn't even bother spending it.



I love the classic pissed-off photo.


----------



## dessiato (Oct 10, 2018)

Old English Bulldog bites off man's penis and testicles in Scottish flat


----------



## a_chap (Oct 10, 2018)

Virginia city says trick-or-treaters older than 12 could face jail time


----------



## a_chap (Oct 13, 2018)

After they've found and glued back together the millions of pieces, I assume.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 14, 2018)

Ground Elder said:


>




“Hang on a minute... Wait... Yes, I've definitely left my keys back there...”


----------



## hash tag (Oct 14, 2018)

Please don't drive if you have been drinking, go find something else to do instead. On second thoughts He was found naked under a car. He was trying to have sex with it, Kansas police say


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 15, 2018)

ON THIS DAY - we just couldn't stop laughing...


----------



## cybershot (Oct 15, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> ON THIS DAY - we just couldn't stop laughing...
> 
> View attachment 149674



Written by Beavis & Butt-head?


----------



## mx wcfc (Oct 15, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> ON THIS DAY - we just couldn't stop laughing...
> 
> View attachment 149674


I hate this fecking board,  I can't post anything like "haha - feck the swindon sheep shaggers." cos I'll get told off for being prejudiced against the wiltshire scum.


----------



## petee (Oct 15, 2018)

NZ crowns tipsy pigeon bird of the year


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 16, 2018)




----------



## existentialist (Oct 16, 2018)

mx wcfc said:


> I hate this fecking board,  I can't post anything like "haha - feck the swindon sheep shaggers." cos I'll get told off for being prejudiced against the wiltshire scum.


It's PC gorn maaaaad, I tell you!


----------



## Poi E (Oct 16, 2018)

Voley said:


> You'd like Indian journalism I think JuanTwoThree. They go for the sensational but also dress it up in very archaic Raj-era language. There's a Times Of India one I can't remember word-for-word but was along the lines of 'The miscreants absconded with the loot, repaired to their mountain hideaway and then vanished into thin air!'



That'd be a report on colonialism.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Oct 19, 2018)

My state has a new tourism board slogan:



> Nebraska has an image problem. For four consecutive years, it’s come in dead last on a list of states that tourists are interested in visiting, according to the travel marketing research firm MMGY Global. Even though travel writers routinely praise Omaha’s music and art scenes and the state’s spectacular wildlife, people on the coasts tend to think of Nebraska as a really long cornfield they have to drive through to reach the Rockies.
> 
> So tourism officials are trying out a new approach. On Wednesday, the Nebraska Tourism Commission revealed its new slogan: “Honestly, it’s not for everyone.”
> 
> Yes, it’s real.



- The Washington Post

TBH, one of the reasons I stay here is that its boring.  There's something to be said for a lack of drama.


----------



## a_chap (Oct 19, 2018)

It's just luck innit.

The first time I went to the USA was because I'd just won the latest "Consultant of the year" award (that's ok, no need to congratulate me) which came with a one grand travel voucher -- this was in the days when a grand actually meant something. The wife and I were staying in a hotel (posh hotel for a weekend + meals was my "Consultant of the month" prize -- makes me realise just how far I've fallen) and there was a group of Americans at an adjacent table in the restaurant. So I asked them where in the US they'd recommend someone to visit. Luckily for us they lived in California so we booked a fucking fantastic two week break.

They could have all come from Nebraska...


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Oct 19, 2018)

a_chap said:


> They could have all come from Nebraska...



Oh, the horror!


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Oct 19, 2018)

The actual campaign isn't that bad:












That slogan though!


----------



## eatmorecheese (Oct 19, 2018)

Tree gives middle finger to Croydon | Your Local Guardian 

A slow news day today...


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 19, 2018)

eatmorecheese said:


> Tree gives middle finger to Croydon | Your Local Guardian
> 
> A slow news day today...



I am loving the photo & caption.

*A rude tree has been spotted giving the middle finger to Croydon.

 *


----------



## eatmorecheese (Oct 19, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> I am loving the photo & caption.
> 
> *A rude tree has been spotted giving the middle finger to Croydon.
> 
> View attachment 150046 *


The article could only be the product of someone out of their mind with boredom


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 19, 2018)

In tree related news...

Angry grandma uses Vauxhall Zafira to stop 'beautiful' trees being chopped down

 



> "It is a beautiful view, stunning- we don't even close our blinds so we have the full view of the trees.
> 
> "Especially now in the autumn - people go to America just to see a view we have on our back doorstep.


----------



## two sheds (Oct 19, 2018)

That should be national not local news 

I read they're cutting down thousands of trees without proper cause.


----------



## a_chap (Oct 20, 2018)

Use any means possible to stop the bastards cutting trees down. Even a Vauxhall Zafira will do.


----------



## two sheds (Oct 20, 2018)

well obviously you'd push a bmw in the way if you could find one.


----------



## petee (Oct 20, 2018)

Man who jumped out of freezer and died was cold-case suspect


----------



## catinthehat (Oct 20, 2018)

72 Year Old Farmer Visits Reykjavík For The 1st Time - The Reykjavik Grapevine

In which a farmer is forced to visit the city for the first time in his life due to a cow related injury.  He finds it unsatisfactory.  His wife finds him changed on his return - he is all Hollywood and cocky now after the big city.


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Oct 20, 2018)

The headline is much as you would expect from a local paper in the arse end of nowhere, but what a photo!


----------



## Voley (Oct 22, 2018)

'Face Of Jesus' appears in split tea-bag.

Woman claims split tea bag makes the face of Jesus

'I believe it's a sign.'


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 22, 2018)

catinthehat said:


> 72 Year Old Farmer Visits Reykjavík For The 1st Time - The Reykjavik Grapevine
> 
> In which a farmer is forced to visit the city for the first time in his life due to a cow related injury.  He finds it unsatisfactory.  His wife finds him changed on his return - he is all Hollywood and cocky now after the big city.


This is the quote of lol:

“It’s of course somewhat of a tragedy having to break the principle of never going to Reykjavík, but the decision wasn’t taken lightly,” Guðmundur told RÚV. “A cow hit its tail into my eye and caused heavy bleeding, it got better, but a couple of days ago I got dark circles under my eyes and my vision went blurry. So I had two options–neither good–to lose my sight or go to Reykjavík.”



Farmers, the same worldwide


----------



## Ground Elder (Oct 22, 2018)

> New 'Face Of Jesus' appears in split tea-bag.



I'm not convinced that is Jesus


----------



## kabbes (Oct 23, 2018)

Ground Elder said:


> I'm not convinced that is Jesus
> View attachment 150379


Jesus is in the eye of the bag-holder.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Oct 23, 2018)

Nine Bob Note said:


> The headline is much as you would expect from a local paper in the arse end of nowhere, but what a photo!



Barrow Eveing Mail....arse end of nowhere.....how very dare you!


----------



## hash tag (Oct 23, 2018)

Robbers told to come back later; so they did 
Are these the most incompetent robbers?


----------



## dessiato (Oct 24, 2018)

Not a newspaper, but a headline (and funny story) nonetheless 

Belgian robbers asked to come back - and arrested on their return - Are these the most incompetent robbers?


----------



## petee (Oct 24, 2018)

dessiato said:


> Not a newspaper, but a headline (and funny story) nonetheless
> 
> Belgian robbers asked to come back - and arrested on their return - Are these the most incompetent robbers?



don't look up ...


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 24, 2018)

hash tag said:


> Robbers told to come back later; so they did
> Are these the most incompetent robbers?



They didn't just come back once, but twice at 17.30 & again at 18.30.


----------



## hash tag (Oct 24, 2018)




----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 26, 2018)

Watch bus driver's odd decision to stop on roundabout in rush hour



> This is the moment a bus driver made the bizarre decision to stop while travelling around a Gatesheadroundabout - causing a rush-hour traffic jam.
> 
> Exiting from High Street West, *Jason Bourne *captured the dash cam footage while driving at about 4.30pm on Tuesday.



Watch the video to see the "rush-hour traffic jam". It's a pretty shit addition to the Bourne film series


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 26, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Watch bus driver's odd decision to stop on roundabout in rush hour
> 
> Watch the video to see the "rush-hour traffic jam". It's a pretty shit addition to the Bourne film series



That's not a traffic jam, this is a traffic jam...

Comedian David Baddiel says Worthing traffic 'is like no other I've ever seen'



> *Thousands of drivers have been affected by the gas main repairs along Worthing seafront - and it turns out a comedy legend was among them.*
> Three Lions hitmaker David Baddiel was driving from Brighton towards Worthing yesterday when he hit the traffic caused by emergency gas repairs along Brighton Road.





> He said: "Pulled over from a traffic jam between Brighton and Worthing which is like no other I’ve ever seen. We may be unwittingly part of an art installation entitled Driving Is A Really ******* Stupid Idea."





> His tweet said: "Lancing Beach, looking worth the hour and a half it took to get here from Brighton yesterday afternoon."





OK, an hour and a half to travel 12 miles is bad, but has he never been in a jam on the M25? 

Besides, it was caused by *emergency gas repairs*, FFS, the whinging twat.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 26, 2018)

Another non-story from the Worthing Herald...

Adur and Worthing police clamp down on rogue traders and cold-callers



> Prevention teams for Adur and Worthing went out with two trading standards officers and spoke with 12 to 15 tradespeople.
> 
> *Police said the team did not identify any rogue workers and everybody spoken to was happy with the work being completed.*


----------



## hash tag (Oct 26, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Watch bus driver's odd decision to stop on roundabout in rush hour
> 
> 
> 
> Watch the video to see the "rush-hour traffic jam". It's a pretty shit addition to the Bourne film series



I like that, the bus driver was obviously a great team player and was helping out their fellow bus drivers 
Traffic jams - you aint seen nuffin until you been to London in the rush hour on a Friday night - starts around 15:00 and goes on until about 20:00, though by comparison,
its a rush hour most of the day here


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 26, 2018)

hash tag said:


> I like that, the bus driver was obviously a great team player and was helping out their fellow bus drivers
> Traffic jams - you aint seen nuffin until you been to London in the rush hour on a Friday night - starts around 15:00 and goes on until about 20:00, though by comparison,
> its a rush hour most of the day here


I know that bit of town and it clearly wasn't filmed anywhere near rush hour. The 10 seconds or so obviously made a massive difference to the guy's day


----------



## hash tag (Oct 26, 2018)

Dont forget a bus conveys many people. Outside home, we have a choice of two buses to get us to the centre of town. At worst they are every 12 minutes.
If they run ahead of schedule, they will often take an enforced pause at a stop, complete with an announcement to the effect that they are regulating
the service, correcting the flow or some such like.


----------



## editor (Oct 27, 2018)

> Black bra found on the ground in Chesterfield
> 
> On Friday afternoon, reader Adam Ward discovered a black bra on the way into Tesco Extra on Lockorford Lane. Cestrefeldians are growing used to such an occurance. In the summer, a black pair of underwear and a pink sock were found on a Chesterfield footpath. READ MORE: Underwear and sock found dumped on Chesterfield footpath And last year, a pink bra was discovered draped over a tree branch - with the Crooked Spire in the background - on the town's cycle path
> 
> Black bra found on the ground in Chesterfield


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 29, 2018)

Gordan Ramsay 'gutted' his son is at Exeter University - and is now wearing his pants



> "All mine were in the bloody wash so I thought Jack has nicked my bloody pants again. Low and behold upstairs in his drawer.
> 
> "So I put them on and just sat on the bed thinking, “damn bud I miss you”. Seriously."


----------



## petee (Oct 29, 2018)

Anyone Want to Adopt a 28-Pound Cat? Doughnut Needs a Home

he's big-boned


----------



## Indeliblelink (Oct 31, 2018)

*Antarctic scientist 'stabs colleague who kept telling him endings of books he was reading'*
yeah yeah, not very "local"


----------



## Enviro (Oct 31, 2018)

*Builders stunned as thief high on crack straps toilet to his bike and pedals off*


> Police flushed him out after identifying him on CCTV.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 31, 2018)

Enviro said:


> *Builders stunned as thief high on crack straps toilet to his bike and pedals off*





> Charran told police: "I remember having a drink. I was smoking crack and I was high. I needed more drugs and I went and took it. I'm sorry.


Fair play to him fessing up


----------



## danny la rouge (Oct 31, 2018)

Indeliblelink said:


> *Antarctic scientist 'stabs colleague who kept telling him endings of books he was reading'*
> yeah yeah, not very "local"


----------



## DotCommunist (Oct 31, 2018)

I'd urge leniency in this case


----------



## petee (Nov 1, 2018)




----------



## mx wcfc (Nov 1, 2018)

petee said:


>


Reminds me of this,


----------



## hot air baboon (Nov 2, 2018)




----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 2, 2018)

The most famous curtains in Exeter and other ways the city celebrates history


----------



## editor (Nov 4, 2018)

Rubbish graffiti artists keep painting penises in Plymouth subway


----------



## editor (Nov 4, 2018)

Follow up pic:


----------



## Voley (Nov 4, 2018)




----------



## cybershot (Nov 5, 2018)

editor said:


> Rubbish graffiti artists keep painting penises in Plymouth subway



Wanksy


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Nov 5, 2018)

A Republican Congressman Is Actually Furious About This Sign









> According to the _Lincoln Journal Star_, a campaign staffer for the Republican House rep first noticed that Ari Kohen, a professor of political science at the University of Nebraska, had liked the photo posted by Seeing Red Nebraska, a local progressive blog. For whatever reason, he felt compelled to screenshot evidence of said like and send it straight to Fortenberry's office in Washington, D.C., where a man who appears to have zero goddamn chill—William “Reyn” Archer III, the Congressman's chief of staff—got hold of it, and proceeded to raise a Very Big Stink.
> 
> He called Kohen at his office and, when he didn't pick up, emailed the chair of Kohen's department, the dean of his college, and the chancellor of the university to complain about "the support one of your faculty has shown for political vandalism," the _Journal Star _reports. Eventually, he managed to get Kohen on the horn, subjecting him to a bizarre, nearly hour-long conversation about the evils of liking politically-bent fart content on Facebook.
> 
> "What you’re liking is vandalism," Archer told Kohen during the call, which you can listen to in part here.




I know what I'm wearing to his next townhall meeting:


----------



## a_chap (Nov 5, 2018)

I'd be furious too. 

They couldn't even spell "odour" properly.


----------



## petee (Nov 5, 2018)

a_chap said:


> I'd be furious too.
> 
> They couldn't even spell "odour" properly.


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 7, 2018)

Police called as mystery flock of SHEEP break into Exeter primary school

The actual story is a bit of a let down tbf


----------



## hash tag (Nov 7, 2018)

Ewe would not believe it


----------



## Magnus McGinty (Nov 8, 2018)




----------



## T & P (Nov 8, 2018)

Magnus McGinty said:


> View attachment 152004


“Eager students...” I bet


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 8, 2018)

You can't help but admire this as a headline



> Idiot who nearly derailed paedophile trial is in trouble again


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 10, 2018)

The Worthing Herald gets worst week by week, with their non-stories.

Sussex Police investigate man ‘acting suspiciously’ in Broadwater



> *Adur and Worthing Police have tweeted that a man has been reported acting suspiciously in Broadwater.*
> The tweet, at around 4.20pm today (November 9) said: “We are taking reports of a man acting suspiciously in the Broadwater area seriously.
> “Please be assured, all lines of enquiry will be investigated.
> “We urge everyone to report incidents of this type to us without delay. Call 101 or visit socsi.in/E8j9B quoting 745 of 09/11.”
> It is unclear what led to the man being reported for suspicious behaviour but police have been approached for further details.



And, that's it folks.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 11, 2018)

Not local, but very unusual:

Woman sues ex after his 'abnormally long' penis 'stretched her vagina'


----------



## Poi E (Nov 11, 2018)

Ground Elder said:


> You can't help but admire this as a headline



The facade of the Plymouth court house is wonderful!


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 11, 2018)

Poi E said:


> The facade of the Plymouth court house is wonderful!


As it happens I've e often admired it


----------



## Calamity1971 (Nov 11, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Not local, but very unusual:
> 
> Woman sues ex after his 'abnormally long' penis 'stretched her vagina'


*It is currently unclear how large Silindile alleges her ex's penis is.
 *This needs answering ffs.


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 12, 2018)

KFC calls police on man - but all he wanted was some chicken


----------



## dessiato (Nov 13, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> KFC calls police on man - but all he wanted was some chicken


I like that he says he has a 5 series BMW and a personal plate as indicators of his good character.


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 13, 2018)

dessiato said:


> I like that he says he has a 5 series BMW and a personal plate as indicators of his good character.


“I'm the store general manager of Iceland in Newton Abbot so of course I wouldn't have been drinking.”


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 13, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> KFC calls police on man - but all he wanted was some chicken





> "*Suddenly, three police cars surrounded my car, to the left, to the right, in front of me*, so I couldn't get away, which wasn't what we were going to do as I was waiting for our food," he said.



Three police cars, WTF is that about?


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 13, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Three police cars, WTF is that about?


Sounds like he was probably kicking off a bit? I doubt they’d have phoned the police just because they saw some unopened cans in the car


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 13, 2018)

Terribly polite robber queued up in Co-op then demanded cash



> Jimi Aldington, 22, told the shop worker 'I need two £10 now because some bad people are after me or I'm going to get killed'.
> 
> He made a grab for the cash but left empty-handed at the end of the failed raid.
> 
> He returned later and said sorry to the staff member - only to then help himself to a bottle of wine and four packets of ibuprofen.


----------



## Badgers (Nov 13, 2018)




----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 13, 2018)

The best bit of the KFC story. 



> They weren't best impressed with their burnt beans either


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 14, 2018)

There’s a follow up story:

The new Marsh Mills KFC has got Plymouth's diners raging


> Don’t worry it’s not just Plympton, Bristol KFC ran out of chips and substituted it with small beans!!!


----------



## Enviro (Nov 15, 2018)

*Bristol mum's warning after she 'freaked out' when peeling Asda banana*


----------



## moody (Nov 15, 2018)

old but good....


----------



## petee (Nov 15, 2018)

Yahoo is now part of Oath

*Jets fan gets DWI, blames it on the team: 'I drank too much because the Jets suck'*


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 15, 2018)

More drama at KFC 

Boy, 10, TRAPPED in KFC loo


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 16, 2018)

moody said:


> old but good....



Blatant trolling


----------



## Poot (Nov 16, 2018)

Why is it always Devon?


----------



## killer b (Nov 16, 2018)

Just read that Johnston Press, who own a huge proportion of the newspapers featured in this thread, are in administration. I guess that's it for local newspapers...


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 16, 2018)

No explanation behind pensioners being banned from Trowbridge coffee shop | Wiltshire Times


----------



## a_chap (Nov 16, 2018)

Really? No explanation *at all* why the Kray twins were banned?


----------



## petee (Nov 16, 2018)

Playing Peppa Pig theme when police walk into a pub probably isn't a good idea


----------



## moody (Nov 16, 2018)

DaveCinzano said:


> Blatant trolling



how'd you mean?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 16, 2018)

moody said:


> how'd you mean?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 17, 2018)

killer b said:


> Just read that Johnston Press, who own a huge proportion of the newspapers featured in this thread, are in administration. I guess that's it for local newspapers...



I've just logged on to update the thread about that, here:
The 'i' newspaper & 200 others up for grabs - Johnston Press puts itself up for sale.

JP was a basket case, because of their historic debit mountain, the business itself is profitable & will continue under new ownership,


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 17, 2018)

petee said:


> Playing Peppa Pig theme when police walk into a pub probably isn't a good idea



That cracked me up.


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 17, 2018)

Man blasts Ulverston pub after ripping his Armani jeans on 'health and safety hazard'


----------



## Poi E (Nov 17, 2018)

petee said:


> Playing Peppa Pig theme when police walk into a pub probably isn't a good idea



"If an officer is not happy to visit then how do members of the public feel?"

 different world, different world.


----------



## Ground Elder (Nov 17, 2018)

Shopper left baffled by 1p discount



> left stunned





> Why would you even bother?


----------



## two sheds (Nov 17, 2018)

Well it does say on the site "News... but not as you know it"


----------



## Badgers (Nov 19, 2018)

Two naked women covered in jam appeared on Market Street at lunchtime


> "They looked like they were rubbing strawberry jam on each other."


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 19, 2018)

Badgers said:


> Two naked women covered in jam appeared on Market Street at lunchtime
> 
> 
> > "They looked like they were rubbing strawberry jam on each other."



Bugger, missed it.


----------



## Yossarian (Nov 19, 2018)

Is this really breaking news, BBC?


----------



## Poi E (Nov 19, 2018)

Badgers said:


> Two naked women covered in jam appeared on Market Street at lunchtime



Jam and crumpet. Jesus, it's like they've never read the Sun.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 20, 2018)

Police manhunt for 'fat naked man with small penis'

I don't think I've ever been to Hull.


----------



## JimW (Nov 20, 2018)

hash tag said:


> Police manhunt for 'fat naked man with small penis'
> 
> I don't think I've ever been to Hull.


Thought you meant their Tinder profile until I read the story.


----------



## Poi E (Nov 20, 2018)

I suspect the perpetrator may have donned some clothes on reading this article and evaded the plod. Stupid local rag.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 22, 2018)

I've just ordered a copy of 'Angry People in Local Newspapers', hardback & 192 pages, so should be enough laughs to make it work £6.72. 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Angry-Peop...8-1&keywords=Angry+People+in+Local+Newspapers


----------



## moody (Nov 22, 2018)

jeez!

A drunk, half-naked man went into McDonald’s at 5am, took off his trousers and pants and began performing the helicopter with his penis in front of customers and staff.


Man performed helicopter with his penis on McDonald's counter | Metro News


----------



## moody (Nov 22, 2018)

my only question is, what's the "helicopter"?


----------



## Calamity1971 (Nov 22, 2018)

moody said:


> my only question is, what's the "helicopter"?


----------



## two sheds (Nov 22, 2018)

moody said:


> jeez!
> 
> A drunk, half-naked man went into McDonald’s at 5am, took off his trousers and pants and began performing the helicopter with his penis in front of customers and staff.
> 
> ...



I thought you were relaying a joke until I couldn't see the punchline.


----------



## Poi E (Nov 22, 2018)

moody said:


> jeez!
> 
> A drunk, half-naked man went into McDonald’s at 5am, took off his trousers and pants and began performing the helicopter with his penis in front of customers and staff.
> 
> ...



It's all spin.

It's the propeller anyway.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 22, 2018)

Is that what Skindreds Newport helicopter refers to?


----------



## Magnus McGinty (Nov 23, 2018)

Not local but funny headline:

Multi-millionaire crushed to death by tractor driven by his pet dog


----------



## Badgers (Nov 23, 2018)

Black Friday cut short after man gets testicles trapped in Aldi door.

Not real but


----------



## Sprocket. (Nov 24, 2018)

Just spotted this in The Doncaster Free Press.
Not the cartoon btw.


----------



## dessiato (Nov 24, 2018)

Sprocket. said:


> View attachment 153471
> Just spotted this in The Doncaster Free Press.
> Not the cartoon btw.


They go well together though.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 29, 2018)

> But pro-independence Scottish daily The National was barred by the Number 10 Press Office from attending a press conference with the Prime Minister.
> 
> It prompted the paper to run a dramatic front page today showing Mrs May’s silhouette above a dummy two-deck headline, with some words explaining why it had refused to cover the visit.
> The National blanks out May after press conference ban - Journalism News from HoldtheFrontPage



 

And, blank space inside, where their report would have appeared...


----------



## existentialist (Nov 29, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> View attachment 153889
> 
> And, blank space inside, where their report would have appeared...
> 
> View attachment 153890


Good on 'em.

But I hope they actually wrote and laid out the story, then removed it, rather than just making the absent story fit a handy bit of blank space they had on the spread. I lay out a kind of spoof newspaper every year, and I know what an arseache it can be getting it all dovetailed together so everything fits on the page 

ETA: in fact, I think I might run a spoof "blank story" myself, come to think of it. I have some blank space...


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 29, 2018)

Father's anger at Post Office refusing Scottish money



> Mr Burgess, who lives in Walderslade Road, said: "I asked if they would accept Euros, American or Australian Dollars.
> 
> "The cashier replied that they would.
> 
> ...


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 29, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Father's anger at Post Office refusing Scottish money



The 'report' falls down by repeating the dickhead's claim that the Post Office would accept Euros, but not Irish note, which are, err, Euros. 

As a side note [pun intended] Scottish notes aren't 'legal tender', not even, funny enough, in Scotland. 



> Scottish banknotes are unusual, first because they are issued by retail banks, not central banks, and second, because they are technically not legal tender anywhere in the United Kingdom – not even in Scotland.
> 
> Banknotes of Scotland - Wikipedia


----------



## Mordi (Nov 29, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> The 'report' falls down by repeating the dickhead's claim that the Post Office would accept Euros, but not Irish note, which are, err, Euros.
> 
> As a side note [pun intended] Scottish notes aren't 'legal tender', not even, funny enough, in Scotland.



Surely the ones printed in Belfast are Irish?


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 29, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> The 'report' falls down by repeating the dickhead's claim that the Post Office would accept Euros, but not Irish note, which are, err, Euros.


There are different notes in NI I think?

It does remind me of this though


----------



## mx wcfc (Nov 29, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Father's anger at Post Office refusing Scottish money


"Victims of a hate crime".  FFS and I know people will say anything to get in the papers/get compo, but "victims of a hate crime"?  Fck.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 30, 2018)

Mordi said:


> Surely the ones printed in Belfast are Irish?





neonwilderness said:


> There are different notes in NI I think?



Good point, didn't think of notes from NI.


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 30, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Good point, didn't think of notes from NI.


Racist


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 30, 2018)

neonwilderness said:


> Racist



They should have described them as Northern Irish notes.


----------



## Mordi (Nov 30, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> Good point, didn't think of notes from NI.



I didn't realise notes from outside England weren't recognised as 'legal tender' though. Confirms all my provincial prejudices.

As a child I used to take perverse joy in returning from the Isle of Man with £1 notes and arguing with bus drivers. Highly recommended.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 30, 2018)

Mordi said:


> I didn't realise notes from outside England weren't recognised as 'legal tender' though. Confirms all my provincial prejudices.
> 
> As a child I used to take perverse joy in returning from the Isle of Man with £1 notes and arguing with bus drivers. Highly recommended.



The Isle of Man, as indeed the Channel Islands, are interesting, because they are not part of UK, unlike Scotland & NI.


----------



## Poi E (Nov 30, 2018)

Magnus McGinty said:


> Not local but funny headline:
> 
> Multi-millionaire crushed to death by tractor driven by his pet dog



Fucking idiot. No handbrake. It's a wonder he didn't kill someone else being such a twat.


----------



## Mordi (Nov 30, 2018)

cupid_stunt said:


> The Isle of Man, as indeed the Channel Islands, are interesting, because they are not part of UK, unlike Scotland & NI.



Indeed, I may be misremembering but despite being a Crown Dependency the Manx sterling doesn't have the Queen on it. Just the three legs of Mann.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Dec 4, 2018)

Noxious gas closes down Taco Bell:

Carbon monoxide forces Taco Bell closed

Insert your own joke here....


----------



## editor (Dec 6, 2018)

Not a local paper, but genius


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Dec 8, 2018)

Not local but wtf. Poor people. 

Hotel apologises for 'dummy body' tribute to UK couple's dead son


----------



## Poi E (Dec 8, 2018)




----------



## existentialist (Dec 8, 2018)

Poi E said:


>


Cultural divide? I can think of a few belief systems whereby effigies of the dead might be potentially A Thing.


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Dec 8, 2018)

existentialist said:


> Cultural divide? I can think of a few belief systems whereby effigies of the dead might be potentially A Thing.


that's what I thought. Edit: But then, I can't find anything specific to Jamaican culture about that. Plus they (the effigy building staff) did go through all their clothing to make the effigy. Which was holding a beer and had a crying face. Not sure thats in the procedure regardless.


----------



## kabbes (Dec 9, 2018)

“I was absolutely horrified – as you can imagine I was sweating and shaking. We just didn’t want our friends to see it. I have truly never seen anything like it. I still look at the photographs now...”


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 9, 2018)

Clairvoyant night is cancelled due to ‘unforeseen circumstances’ | Metro News


----------



## Poi E (Dec 9, 2018)

Boris Sprinkler said:


> that's what I thought. Edit: But then, I can't find anything specific to Jamaican culture about that. Plus they (the effigy building staff) did go through all their clothing to make the effigy. Which was holding a beer and had a crying face. Not sure thats in the procedure regardless.



Making it personal, like.

Can't see someone going to a that trouble if they hated the guests. Just piss in their food as usual.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 11, 2018)

I've posted before that the Worthing Herald gets worst week-by-week with their non-stories, not sure it can get any worst than this excessive...

Two fire engines in Worthing town centre


> *Two fire engines are in attendance in Worthing town centre.*
> 
> At around 3.30pm this afternoon (December 10), one engine was parked in Chatsworth Road and another was round the corner in Chapel Road.
> 
> It was not immediately clear what incident the engines were responding to, but West Sussex Fire and Rescue Service has been approached for more information.


----------



## Poi E (Dec 11, 2018)

Attending an incident at a chippy, I suspect.


----------



## Libertad (Dec 11, 2018)

Poi E said:


> Attending an incident at a chippy, I suspect.



With gravy.


----------



## Enviro (Dec 11, 2018)

*Residents baffled as new lamppost put right in the middle of the pavement*

This one writes itself, really 



> ... The lamppost appeared a week ago and instantly baffled the normally-unflappable people of Easton. They are used to see odd things, from seagulls swallowing rats whole, strange graffiti and collections of fridges being turned into street art to a car that has been abandoned on the pavement for almost four years.
> 
> But the lamppost has vexed even them. ....  the lamppost has become the talk of this particular corner of BS5.
> 
> ...


----------



## gentlegreen (Dec 11, 2018)

I must go and check out that lamp post next time I visit the deli.
I'm amazed the revamping of that street is so far along.


----------



## petee (Dec 14, 2018)

_ 





_
Flipping his town the bird: Vermont man erects middle-finger statue


----------



## Badgers (Dec 15, 2018)




----------



## rekil (Dec 16, 2018)

Bathers at famous Murder Hole Beach warned they risk bull attack - FarmIreland.ie

No attacks reported yet.


----------



## neonwilderness (Dec 17, 2018)

Man arrested after Christmas window display was damaged

*Man arrested after 'Low Fell's answer to Fenwick's Christmas window' was damaged*

Fenwick's window (not this year's)

*



*

Estate agent's window

*



*

* *


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 18, 2018)

CCTV footage shows the moment *Jesus broke into Hayling Island church*


----------



## Mumbles274 (Dec 18, 2018)

A beauty...

Misspelt Leeds road sign corrected



A perfect response



> They've also mis-spelt 'Shithole' as 'Bradford



Angry people in local newspapers: Street sign typo anger double bill


----------



## petee (Dec 19, 2018)

meanwhile in Georgia. . . 

Feds still await Georgia request to change name of Runaway Negro Creek


----------



## dessiato (Dec 20, 2018)

petee said:


> meanwhile in Georgia. . .
> 
> Feds still await Georgia request to change name of Runaway Negro Creek


Given how the Georgians still think, at least in my experience, Runaway Negro is very PC for them.


----------



## Yossarian (Dec 20, 2018)

dessiato said:


> Given how the Georgians still think, at least in my experience, Runaway Negro is very PC for them.



It used to have the name you'd expect from Georgia - it's not clear when it changed, but my guess would be 1963, when the Kennedy administration ordered the word to be changed to "Negro" on all federal maps.

Feds still await Georgia request to change name of Runaway Negro Creek


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 20, 2018)

Not so much a local newspaper headline, but a headline about a local paper.

*Journalists take own newspaper to press watchdog over strike coverage*

Will be funny if the watchdogs rules in their favour.


----------



## petee (Dec 22, 2018)

Finnish Lawmaker Accused of Claiming Sauna as His 2nd Home

" He has said he did “laundry and so forth” there."


----------



## Poi E (Dec 22, 2018)

Where he hid the money huh


----------



## Dogsauce (Dec 25, 2018)

concerned-harrogate-woman-calls-police-because-her-carol-singers-were-from-leeds

Seems fair enough.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 26, 2018)

Rudolph the red-nosed burglar sought by police



> A burglar wearing the mask of the much-loved Christmas reindeer is filmed stealing from a business in Colorado.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Dec 26, 2018)

Cop caught masturbating on train used headrest cover to hide his penis


----------



## petee (Dec 26, 2018)

Man has first pint in eight months, ends up 'punching a tree' in half

nb: headline better than actual story


----------



## petee (Dec 27, 2018)

Gujarat official '10th avatar of Vishnu,' can't work as he is trying to 'change global conscience'

 "I am doing penance at home by entering into fifth dimension to change the global conscience....I can't do such penance sitting in office," the Press Trust of India quoted his two-page reply."


----------



## DotCommunist (Dec 28, 2018)

Margaret Thatcher’s AG woke from surgery screaming ‘we must kill’ Ian Paisley

neither local to me or a local paper at all but had to share


----------



## Poi E (Dec 28, 2018)

Drugs help Tories, too.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jan 2, 2019)

*Tesco HELL for shopper who found ‘ANUS’ in £1.50 tinned beef curry



*


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 3, 2019)

Woman's wig punched clean off her head as 30th birthday party ends in chaos


----------



## trabuquera (Jan 8, 2019)

*VIDEO: Prowler spends 3 hours licking doorbell at California home*
VIDEO: Prowler spends 3 hours licking doorbell at CA home


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 12, 2019)

It's bizarre enough to go whinging to the local rag about being banned from a pub, but even more bizarre they should consider it newsworthy enough to not only cover it, but do a follow-up piece too. 

Worthing man barred from The Three Fishes pub wants to know why

Barred Wetherspoons customer responds to online critics: 'don't judge a book by its cover'


----------



## Badgers (Jan 12, 2019)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 12, 2019)




----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 12, 2019)

Dog walker saw couple smeared in bird blood 'having sex' in Leeds woods


----------



## fishfinger (Jan 12, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> Dog walker saw couple smeared in bird blood 'having sex' in Leeds woods


That's the next season of True Detective sorted.


----------



## Yossarian (Jan 12, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> It's bizarre enough to go whinging to the local rag about being banned from a pub, but even more bizarre they should consider it newsworthy enough to not only cover it, but do a follow-up piece too.
> 
> Worthing man barred from The Three Fishes pub wants to know why
> 
> Barred Wetherspoons customer responds to online critics: 'don't judge a book by its cover'



"What're you banned from the 'Spoons for, Kev?"

"Dunno."

"I think we have this week's front page..."


----------



## Voley (Jan 13, 2019)

*Man caught speeding at 123mph on M62 because he 'wanted a kebab.'*

Man caught driving at 123mph told cops he was rushing because he wanted a kebab


----------



## kabbes (Jan 13, 2019)

Voley said:


> *Man caught speeding at 123mph on M62 because he 'wanted a kebab.'*
> 
> Man caught driving at 123mph told cops he was rushing because he wanted a kebab


On p123 of this thread.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 14, 2019)

Voley said:


> *Man caught speeding at 123mph on M62 because he 'wanted a kebab.'*
> 
> Man caught driving at 123mph told cops he was rushing because he wanted a kebab



kebabking needs to account for his whereabouts to eliminate him as a suspect.


----------



## cybershot (Jan 14, 2019)

Hull woman's freak accident as cocktail stick pierces her foot

If only there was something you could slip onto your feet, while wearing your dressing gown!

Check your carpets for cocktail sticks folks.

Top job on pixelating the house number too, I really think they ran this one purely for the fact they knew it would go viral.


----------



## kebabking (Jan 14, 2019)

farmerbarleymow said:


> kebabking needs to account for his whereabouts to eliminate him as a suspect.



I'm somewhat insulted that you'd suggest I'd be hanging about at an abismal 123mph if I wanted a kebab.

Harrumph.


----------



## existentialist (Jan 14, 2019)

cybershot said:


> Hull woman's freak accident as cocktail stick pierces her foot
> 
> If only there was something you could slip onto your feet, while wearing your dressing gown!
> 
> ...


I should have been phoning the local rag's news desk every time I carelessly and slipperless broke a toe on the leg of the bed, boo.


----------



## farmerbarleymow (Jan 14, 2019)

kebabking said:


> I'm somewhat insulted that you'd suggest I'd be hanging about at an abismal 123mph if I wanted a kebab.
> 
> Harrumph.



I thought stolen tanks had no chance of getting to that sort of speed.


----------



## Kaka Tim (Jan 14, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> Dog walker saw couple smeared in bird blood 'having sex' in Leeds woods





> "It sounded like someone shouting in a different language, but then I saw a lady in her late 30s laid on a white plastic sheet."
> She said she thought the woman 'was dead' at first, but when she went closer to try and find her dog, she saw a man.
> The man then used his finger to take blood from a dead bird and 'put it on the woman's face' before they had sex, she claimed.
> She added: "I dragged the dog away and my friend and I walked away. Then, about 10 minutes later, I walked back that way and my friend said she saw at least five other woman clothed around them (the couple) and we realised they were chanting.



i guess this is what happens when you have the woodcraft folk meetup at the local dogging spot.


----------



## dessiato (Jan 14, 2019)

existentialist said:


> I should have been phoning the local rag's news desk every time I carelessly and slipperless broke a toe on the leg of the bed, boo.


I could keep them really busy.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 14, 2019)

Man removed dressing gown to reveal underwear during fight outside Sainsbury's in Carlisle


----------



## cybershot (Jan 15, 2019)

Vandals target more Poole beach huts after Christmas spree (but only a Pot Noodle is stolen)


----------



## a_chap (Jan 16, 2019)




----------



## dessiato (Jan 16, 2019)

a_chap said:


>


There's worse things


----------



## Poi E (Jan 16, 2019)

Boy swears and eats cheese. It's a slow news day.


----------



## cybershot (Jan 16, 2019)

Poi E said:


> Boy swears and eats cheese. It's a slow news day.



It was, almost 4 years ago!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 16, 2019)

cybershot said:


> It was, almost 4 years ago!



Not so much news, as history.


----------



## Poi E (Jan 16, 2019)

cybershot said:


> It was, almost 4 years ago!



Cheese would taste rank. Stupid boy.


----------



## Voley (Jan 18, 2019)

Worrying developments round my way in Porthleven:

Man says he was attacked through window by 6ft big cat

Particularly concerning is the lack of reaction from the emergency services:

"I phoned the police and they weren't interested and threatened to take action against me if I called again.''


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 18, 2019)

Voley said:


> Worrying developments round my way in Porthleven:
> 
> Man says he was attacked through window by 6ft big cat
> 
> ...



The Exmoor beast has moved south.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 18, 2019)

'I was absolutely staggered': Grandad's 'alcoholic pot noodle' horror



> They just gave me loads of corporate speak and said it passed trading standards . . . so did the lifeboats on the Titanic!


----------



## Libertad (Jan 19, 2019)

Voley said:


> Worrying developments round my way in Porthleven:
> 
> Man says he was attacked through window by 6ft big cat
> 
> ...





cupid_stunt said:


> The Exmoor beast has moved south.



Fuck the Exmoor beast that's quite obviously one of our moor cats and we want it back.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 19, 2019)

Does this one win the thread?  

PubSpy offered ‘a wank’ on visit to Mad Hatter Inn



> Would you like a wank? Mad Mary in the Mad Hatter Inn was clearly determined the pub would live up to its name.
> 
> I politely declined her offer of a “Thomas Tank” in favour of a pint of Open Gate Citra IPA and wondered what someone might say to me next in this bizarre Kemp Town watering hole.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 19, 2019)

'I am Batman': What Hartlepool man told police after he tackled shop robber armed with an axe


----------



## flypanam (Jan 20, 2019)

Irishman, 33, admits injecting himself with his own SEMEN to treat severe back pain | The Irish Post


----------



## dessiato (Jan 22, 2019)

It's an old one but few people believe me when I tell them.



It was 28 years ago today.
The night the circus turned into a 'horror movie'

Mrs Miggins


----------



## Dom Traynor (Jan 22, 2019)

dessiato said:


> It's an old one but few people believe me when I tell them.
> 
> View attachment 159424
> 
> ...



I was living there then and had totally forgotten about it!!


----------



## dessiato (Jan 22, 2019)

Dom Traynor said:


> I was living there then and had totally forgotten about it!!


There's a few of us from there on here.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 22, 2019)

'Beheaded swan' was actually plastic ornament


----------



## Raheem (Jan 22, 2019)

flypanam said:


> Irishman, 33, admits injecting himself with his own SEMEN to treat severe back pain | The Irish Post


When offered treatment by his GP, he 'opted to discharge himself', according to the article.


----------



## Dom Traynor (Jan 24, 2019)

dessiato said:


> There's a few of us from there on here.


I lived there from 90 to 96


----------



## Badgers (Jan 25, 2019)




----------



## petee (Jan 25, 2019)

Man says emotional support alligator helps his depression


----------



## [62] (Jan 26, 2019)

Old one. 
We've all felt a bit peckish after reading about mercy killings...


----------



## Poi E (Jan 26, 2019)

At least the corpse didn't go to waste.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jan 26, 2019)

Woman refused Take A Break mag over £1 row


----------



## sim667 (Jan 31, 2019)

The picture for this one is incredible.

Residents irate over shop alarm going off for four nights

"
*Bath residents irate over shop alarm blaring out for four nights"*

*



*


----------



## Calamity1971 (Jan 31, 2019)

sim667 said:


> The picture for this one is incredible.
> 
> Residents irate over shop alarm going off for four nights
> 
> ...


No wonder he can't sleep, state of that fucking pillow.


----------



## dessiato (Jan 31, 2019)

Calamity1971 said:


> No wonder he can't sleep, state of that fucking pillow.


Nice slippers though.


----------



## chandlerp (Feb 1, 2019)

Maybe if he didn't sleep out in the street he wouldn't hear the alarm.


----------



## Badgers (Feb 1, 2019)




----------



## Yossarian (Feb 2, 2019)




----------



## petee (Feb 2, 2019)

Bill Would Make Sasquatch Washington’s Official State Cryptid

"Senate Bill 5615 revives a measure first introduced in 2017 by Sen. Ann Rivers (R-Vancouver etc.). That bill, SB 5816, was “reintroduced and retained in present status” a few times, but never made it out of committee. That doesn’t mean it lacked support, necessarily; it was supposed to be taken up at a public hearing on February 2, 2018, but only after diligently scanning more than 40 minutes’ worth of transcript did I learn that the matter was tabled because the primary witness couldn’t make it:

_I have sad news[, the committee chair said]. The sighting of a Sasquatch is not true. The young student who is proposing that—Senator Rivers said that person couldn’t make it up here today, so we’re going to try to do that at a later date. So there is no Sasquatch today._

Nor was there any Sasquatch for the rest of that session, so far as I can tell. But Sen. Rivers is trying again this year"


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 3, 2019)

Customer of more than 30 years vows: 'I will never shop at Waitrose again'


----------



## two sheds (Feb 3, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Customer of more than 30 years vows: 'I will never shop at Waitrose again'



Needs more detail I think: 



> A WAITROSE customer of more than 30 years says he will never shop there again after staff mistakenly believed he was taking advantage of the company’s free coffee offer.


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 3, 2019)

two sheds said:


> Needs more detail I think:





> I went over to the customer service desk and complained. They were apologetic, to be fair but I emailed the chief executive to ask for an explanation.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 3, 2019)

> The 69-year-old, who lives near the store, then went to get his drink from a coffee machine but it was not working so he tried two other machines, but they were not working either.
> 
> Then he said a staff member approached him and accused him of trying to take a free coffee.
> 
> ...



And what were the black spots?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 3, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Customer of more than 30 years vows: 'I will never shop at Waitrose again'



It's attracted 115 comments, so far!



> LOL Makes a mockery of the Brighton's claim to being a 'City', when its main newspaper publishes such a trivial story as 'news'...





> Jesus Wept Argus. Get a proper news editor. This isn't news and you've wasted a graduate's time and money writing this nonsense.





> I read this thinking there must be something outrageous about Waitrose, but no, just some fool throwing a tantrum over a drink. How this ever made it into the paper beggars belief.





> I want to see this turned into a movie.
> 
> "In a world torn apart by war and strife, a man vows he will never shop at Waitrose again"





> I can't be the only one who has noticed a marked decline in the reporting (and editing) standards in the Argus (which were never that high anyway) since the move from Hollingbury to Central Brighton. Perhaps the proximity of several pubs within walking distance of the new Argus offices have something to do with it.


----------



## dessiato (Feb 3, 2019)

'Would you like a w*nk?' - PubSpy gets surprise proposition on latest visit


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 3, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Does this one win the thread?
> 
> PubSpy offered ‘a wank’ on visit to Mad Hatter Inn





dessiato said:


> 'Would you like a w*nk?' - PubSpy gets surprise proposition on latest visit



Grrr.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 3, 2019)

> Surely the place couldn’t get any crazier, could it?





And on reflection I think Waitrose Man was trying to defraud them out of a cup of coffee.



> At that point the coffee machine behind me started working again.



Yes _of course_ it was broken when you tried it before.


----------



## chandlerp (Feb 4, 2019)

How can you steal something that’s free?


----------



## Raheem (Feb 4, 2019)

chandlerp said:


> How can you steal something that’s free?


Because everything's free if you steal it.


----------



## petee (Feb 5, 2019)

it's political correctness gone mad 

Trending stories on Indian Lifestyle, Culture, Relationships, Food, Travel, Entertainment, News & New Technology News


----------



## Yossarian (Feb 5, 2019)

Man found in Smokies died of meth overdose before being eaten by bear


----------



## Mrs Miggins (Feb 5, 2019)

Yossarian said:


> Man found in Smokies died of meth overdose before being eaten by bear


Seems a bit harsh on the bear.


----------



## Mumbles274 (Feb 5, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> It's attracted 115 comments, so far!


I liked this one



> I don't know him but I'm a bit more likely to go shopping in Waitrose if there's no chance of bumping into that prissy bedwetter


----------



## Mrs Miggins (Feb 5, 2019)

dessiato said:


> It's an old one but few people believe me when I tell them.
> 
> View attachment 159424
> 
> ...


I don't remember that! I was long gone by then and obviously occupied with other things.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Feb 5, 2019)

"London pub owner stripped and simulated sex with BMW at side of dual carriageway in north Wales, court hears"



story here


----------



## [62] (Feb 6, 2019)

Man who swerved to avoid octopus remains in custody for drug-driving


----------



## Raheem (Feb 6, 2019)

[62] said:


> Man who swerved to avoid octopus remains in custody for drug-driving


Especially like the ambiguity in the headline.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 6, 2019)

It doesn't say what happened to the octopus


----------



## Poi E (Feb 6, 2019)

Legged it.


----------



## Serge Forward (Feb 6, 2019)

Kraken headline!


----------



## Yossarian (Feb 6, 2019)

Poi E said:


> Legged it.



So long, suckers!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 6, 2019)

[62] said:


> Man who swerved to avoid octopus remains in custody for drug-driving



What would a octopus be doing on A381 Salcombe Road near Burleigh Lane, in the middle of the countryside? 



> Octopuses are not unheard of in the seas off the south coast of England, but this particular cephalopod would have had to crawl more than 5km over hills and fields to find itself in the path of a car on the A381.
> Crash driver 'swerved to avoid octopus'



I suspect the drug involved was shrooms or acid.


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 6, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> What would a octopus be doing on A381 Salcombe Road near Burleigh Lane, in the middle of the countryside?
> 
> 
> 
> I suspect the drug involved was shrooms or acid.


Aye, the octopus must have been on acid to have been roaming so far from its natural habitat


----------



## Dogsauce (Feb 6, 2019)

two sheds said:


> It doesn't say what happened to the octopus



It says he swerved to avoid ‘octopus remains’ so I assume it had already met its fate.


----------



## andysays (Feb 6, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> What would a octopus be doing on A381 Salcombe Road near Burleigh Lane? ...


About 50mph?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 6, 2019)

Dogsauce said:


> It says he swerved to avoid ‘octopus remains’ so I assume it had already met its fate.



Err?



> he swerved to avoid an octopus remains in police custody



I read that as he remains remains in police custody, not that he avoided octopus remains.


----------



## Poi E (Feb 6, 2019)

Ah, they arrested the octopus. Fair dos.


----------



## petee (Feb 6, 2019)

kids these days

*Armed teens arrested at metro bank, call Uber to get away*

Sorry, this content is not available in your region.


----------



## Dogsauce (Feb 6, 2019)

Do professional getaway drivers still exist, or has that noble trade been lost to the gig economy too?


----------



## Dogsauce (Feb 6, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Err?
> 
> 
> 
> I read that as he remains remains in police custody, not that he avoided octopus remains.



Reads both ways 

(I think Raheem also noted this if I’m understanding his post correctly)


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 6, 2019)

Dogsauce said:


> Reads both ways
> 
> (I think Raheem also noted this if I’m understanding his post correctly)



Not when the shitty Devon Live reports goes on to say:



> Devon and Cornwall police say he remains in custody this morning.
> 
> A spokesman said: "The 49-year-old man from Salcombe remains in custody at Torquay."



And, the slightly better BBC report says:



> Officers, who tweeted about the incident, said they found no evidence of an octopus on the road.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 6, 2019)

Dogsauce said:


> Do professional getaway drivers still exist, or has that noble trade been lost to the gig economy too?


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 7, 2019)

Does this count or not?


----------



## Poi E (Feb 7, 2019)

Must have been written by the village idiot. The billboard is clearly visible.


----------



## Yossarian (Feb 7, 2019)

Meanwhile, in Newfoundland...

Vats of seafood sauce left to rot in small N.L. town  | CBC News


----------



## gentlegreen (Feb 7, 2019)

Yossarian said:


> Meanwhile, in Newfoundland...
> 
> Vats of seafood sauce left to rot in small N.L. town  | CBC News


Surely that would fetch a premium price now ?


----------



## Poi E (Feb 7, 2019)

Thats actually awful.


----------



## gentlegreen (Feb 7, 2019)

I misread it as "fish sauce". 
Putrid dairy and eggs would be disgusting.
I wonder how one would safely dispose of stuff like that....


----------



## Dogsauce (Feb 8, 2019)

gentlegreen said:


> I misread it as "fish sauce".
> Putrid dairy and eggs would be disgusting.
> I wonder how one would safely dispose of stuff like that....



Flog it to the starving Brits after brexit.


----------



## Ground Elder (Feb 8, 2019)

*Octopus that man swerved to avoid has been found*



> Since the incident, the octopus in question has been spotted in a field


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 8, 2019)

Devon couple save £15,000 by never using their heating







I'm calling bullishit on their claim that neither of them have been ill for 10 years


----------



## Poi E (Feb 8, 2019)

All those living in fuel poverty are actually saving money! Just put on a few more layers.


----------



## Badgers (Feb 9, 2019)

Been leafing through the Bude & Stratton Post during a trip to Cornwall and found a few gems:

Page 2
 

Page 3


----------



## Badgers (Feb 9, 2019)

Also this suspicious object caused alarm


----------



## Poi E (Feb 9, 2019)

Very good reporting of absolutely nothing.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 9, 2019)

andysays said:


> About 50mph?


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Feb 9, 2019)

This isn't a headline, but is a published photo of a vicar blessing a new charging point for electric vehicles. It's Cumbria, people get bored when we're not under five feet of water


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 9, 2019)

[62] said:


> Man who swerved to avoid octopus remains in custody for drug-driving


There’s been a development 

Octopus that man swerved to avoid has been found


----------



## Badgers (Feb 10, 2019)




----------



## Dom Traynor (Feb 10, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Devon couple save £15,000 by never using their heating
> 
> 
> 
> ...



They would thrive in New Zealand


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 10, 2019)

Does this man look more like Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickins on or Jamiroquai's Jay-Kay


----------



## Raheem (Feb 10, 2019)

Nine Bob Note said:


> This isn't a headline, but is a published photo of a vicar blessing a new charging point for electric vehicles. It's Cumbria, people get bored when we're not under five feet of water


Really hoping he's not a real vicar, cos I so want to have an example of performance art I can say I like.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 11, 2019)

Raheem said:


> Really hoping he's not a real vicar, cos I so want to have an example of performance art I can say I like.



It's all performance art


----------



## petee (Feb 11, 2019)

Nine Bob Note said:


> a vicar blessing a new charging point for electric vehicles.



when i was very young and very pious, i had a tieclip blessed by a priest.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 11, 2019)

I was (briefly) a minister because ministers got 10% reduction in paint prices. 

I still have the minister's card


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 11, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Does this man look more like Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickins on or Jamiroquai's Jay-Kay


His LinkedIn photo makes him more Brucey:


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 11, 2019)

Perth footballers have to pick up 14 bags of poo before they can play - Evening Telegraph


----------



## Poi E (Feb 11, 2019)

That's really tough if the kids only pick up 13 bags of poo. No football cos doggies didn't poop enough.


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 11, 2019)

Poi E said:


> That's really tough if the kids only pick up 13 bags of poo. No football cos doggies didn't poop enough.


One of them will have to take one for the team


----------



## Indeliblelink (Feb 13, 2019)

'Eazy-E is a legend' – Man's bizarre campaign to erect statue of NWA star in his hometown
Story is better than the headline, I've been following this on a local facebook group which has been quite amusing


> Newhaven resident Guy Stevens says the star of gangsta rap group NWA, who died more than 20 years ago, should have a statue erected in his honour.
> 
> In a heartfelt plea directed at Newhaven Town Council he said: “Just do it. Get a statue or a plaque up. Why not?
> 
> ...


----------



## extra dry (Feb 13, 2019)

Poor Mr. Robot, who had his head smashed through the church wall, leaves behind a widow and three kettels.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 13, 2019)

The Front. Fucking. Page!

(and all of it, except a single column on the right, i.e. 5 out of 6 columns)



He did also drop his trousers & expose himself & picked up a computer monitor and threatened to it throw at the workers, both of which would have made better headlines, TBH.

But, still, almost the whole Front. Fucking. Page!


----------



## DotCommunist (Feb 13, 2019)

Indeliblelink said:


> 'Eazy-E is a legend' – Man's bizarre campaign to erect statue of NWA star in his hometown
> Story is better than the headline, I've been following this on a local facebook group which has been quite amusing


he's not wrong


----------



## Favelado (Feb 13, 2019)

Elvis Presley in court over knife threat in Blackpool laundrette


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Feb 15, 2019)

It's all kicking off tonite!

 

School bans fake tan


----------



## petee (Feb 16, 2019)

_"I was told the individual that had them also shook his jacket over the prosecutors files," Sheriff Walton said.

Mike Clarke, head of security for the Rogers County Courthouse, said the attorney was non-responsive to the situation.

"I don't even think he cared," Clarke said.
_
Lawyer with bed bugs falling out of clothing causes Rogers County Courthouse to close early Monday


----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2019)




----------



## Kaka Tim (Feb 16, 2019)

MrSki said:


>



I don't remember this story. Was it from the William Hartnel era? - sounds more like fan fiction tbh


----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2019)




----------



## Badgers (Feb 16, 2019)

Busy at the local news desks


----------



## Kaka Tim (Feb 16, 2019)

and - can you actually kill someone by putting coke on your cock? (asking for friend)


----------



## Kaka Tim (Feb 16, 2019)

MrSki said:


>




you'd think criminals would be keeping well clear of greenock and its giant sized police chief


----------



## Badgers (Feb 16, 2019)

Kaka Tim said:


> and - can you actually kill someone by putting coke on your cock? (asking for friend)


No


----------



## Kaka Tim (Feb 16, 2019)

Badgers said:


> No



could you ...erm ... expand?


----------



## MrSki (Feb 16, 2019)

Kaka Tim said:


> I don't remember this story. Was it from the William Hartnel era? - sounds more like fan fiction tbh


----------



## Badgers (Feb 16, 2019)

Kaka Tim said:


> could you ...erm ... expand?


I did at the time


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 16, 2019)

Kaka Tim said:


> could you ...erm ... expand?



I am still alive, and I believe she is too.


----------



## Poi E (Feb 16, 2019)

MrSki said:


>



Frighteningly, in Sidcup there is a large calor gas depot next to a school.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Feb 16, 2019)

Badgers said:


> I did at the time


<Fozzie Bear gif>


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Feb 16, 2019)

the south east london 'news shopper' is running this at the moment.  i suspect a predictive text fail...

(image not link as they will probably correct it eventually)


----------



## Poi E (Feb 16, 2019)

Uncanny resemblance.


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 17, 2019)

Man fuming after being served a "BBQ massacre" at Blackpool Pleasure Beach



> he has described the food he purchased from the park as a "BBQ massacre" and has branded it as "shambolic."


----------



## petee (Feb 17, 2019)

Favelado said:


> Elvis Presley in court over knife threat in Blackpool laundrette



Ponce De Leon, Betsy Ross arrested on drug-related charges


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 18, 2019)

Homeowner furious as building work leaves postbox stuck in MIDDLE of driveway

 

But, the postbox was there first, by 100 years. 



> The postbox is 100 years old and is only in the middle of his drive after he widened it - but he still wants it to be moved


----------



## dessiato (Feb 18, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Homeowner furious as building work leaves postbox stuck in MIDDLE of driveway
> 
> View attachment 162216
> 
> But, the postbox was there first, by 100 years.


The expression tough shit comes to mind.


----------



## existentialist (Feb 18, 2019)

dessiato said:


> The expression tough shit comes to mind.


You do have to wonder if, at any point during the construction process, he - or the contractor - didn't stop and think "hmm, that postbox...?"

I really, really hope they refuse to move it.

Or, even better, the "alleged, unauthorised works" are found to be in breach of the planning regs, and he gets made to put it back as it was


----------



## dessiato (Feb 18, 2019)

existentialist said:


> You do have to wonder if, at any point during the construction process, he - or the contractor - didn't stop and think "hmm, that postbox...?"
> 
> I really, really hope they refuse to move it.
> 
> Or, even better, the "alleged, unauthorised works" are found to be in breach of the planning regs, and he gets made to put it back as it was


Especially as, according to the article, the work was undertaken without planning approval. Perhaps, if it had been done properly, I'd have some sympathy but not in this case.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 18, 2019)

existentialist said:


> You do have to wonder if, at any point during the construction process, he - or the contractor - didn't stop and think "hmm, that postbox...?"



Doesn't look like it, they even did block paving around the postbox, which I assume is on public land.


----------



## cybershot (Feb 18, 2019)

If it's anything like my area, hell have to pay to have it moved. (oh it is my area, LOL) in that case, he's a twat. While BCC do require you to get your drive done first before they will even amuse the application for a dropped kerb (a typical BCC backwards process but it also means they can pocket £100 for someone to rock up, look at the kerb and whats in front of the house for 2 minutes, tick some boxes and then drive onto the next one) because they can still refuse to drop the kerb (you don't get your previous £100 for the audit back either if they refuse), then with the average kerb drop costing between £1k and £2k depending on if grass or concrete needs to be dug up to make the slope. Anyway, the process also clearly states anything thats in the way, such as telephone poles, trees, etc the cost to have them moved will be quoted in the dropped kerb application. It also looks like whatever contractors he has had do his drive have already gone onto the grass verge, as thats where the post box would be, and you can see a telephone/cable box just slighly in one of the other pictures, they should really only have gone as far as where his monstrious gate is.

The council are within their right to tell to put that bit back to the way it was, and then charge again for the council to do the work, which I hope they do. I notice there's no pictures of the actual kerb, I wonder if the contractor lowered the kerb too (I bet they did) so he could be in for a massive bill to get it put back, or if the council have any sense, they will put it back themselves and charge him for the work.


----------



## Wilf (Feb 18, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Homeowner furious as building work leaves postbox stuck in MIDDLE of driveway
> 
> View attachment 162216
> 
> But, the postbox was there first, by 100 years.


I haven't read the story, but from the look of those gates alone he's a twat.


----------



## dessiato (Feb 18, 2019)

Wilf said:


> I haven't read the story, but from the look of those gates alone he's a twat.


He's probably a lousy driver and needs wide gates to get his Audi (or BMW) onto the drive.


----------



## Serge Forward (Feb 18, 2019)

What that gap needs is a nice old school red phone box to make the set


----------



## Yossarian (Feb 19, 2019)

"This is not the first time the people of Ipswich have abandoned savoury food in unsavoury places."

Sewer drain full of Yorkshire puddings


----------



## hash tag (Feb 19, 2019)

I did wonder if Yorkshire Puddings was a euphemism.
Should be interesting "Anglia Water are seeking the culprit but are not revealing where in Ipswich the drain is."
good luck with that.
FWIW, I note their footie team are also going down the drain at the moment.


----------



## Badgers (Feb 19, 2019)

Woman shocked by 'fat cow' parking note

Local news makes national news


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Feb 19, 2019)




----------



## Poi E (Feb 19, 2019)

We had a feral colony living in gorse thicket near us when I were a lad. Captured a bantam and she became a good companion.


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Feb 19, 2019)

Poi E said:


> Captured a bantam and she became a good companion.



did this involve an anti-social bantam order?


----------



## Artaxerxes (Feb 19, 2019)

Puddy_Tat said:


>




This is viral marketing for Chicken Run 2


----------



## existentialist (Feb 20, 2019)

I thought the thread might appreciate a "before" photo...


----------



## dessiato (Feb 20, 2019)

existentialist said:


> I thought the thread might appreciate a "before" photo...
> 
> View attachment 162390


All in all he's made a bad situation worse, and more expensive, for himself.

Tough shit,  he should have done it properly from the beginning.

eta Not an Audi/BMW driver by the looks of it. So he's not all bad. Although a white van...


----------



## existentialist (Feb 20, 2019)

dessiato said:


> All in all he's made a bad situation worse, and more expensive, for himself.
> 
> Tough shit,  he should have done it properly from the beginning.
> 
> eta Not an Audi/BMW driver by the looks of it. So he's not all bad. Although a white van...


I'm pretty sure he's going to turn out to be a builder.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Feb 20, 2019)

existentialist said:


> I'm pretty sure he's going to turn out to be a builder.



According to an ex-local councillor mate it's possibly a mini-cab firm owner.

Which means Brum will cave with no penalty.


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 20, 2019)

The Britain's Got Talent finalist who lives in a serial killer's house


----------



## cybershot (Feb 20, 2019)

existentialist said:


> I thought the thread might appreciate a "before" photo...
> 
> View attachment 162390


Either way, the council can already have him for mounting the path without a dropped kerb. It's a criminal offense, and to be honest, something I wish BCC would do more about, loads of my neighbours do it, and most drive along the path to then go up and down the guy at the end of the blocks drive. I'd be proper pissed off if people were constantly going up and down my dropped kerb to save themselves a couple of grand. Also the main reason I can't be arsed to get my front done, because then all the fuckers will start using mine after I've spent £2k+ to get it all done myself.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 20, 2019)

cybershot said:


> Either way, the council can already have him for mounting the path without a dropped kerb. It's a criminal offense, and to be honest, something I wish BCC would do more about, loads of my neighbours do it, and most drive along the path to then go up and down the guy at the end of the blocks drive. I'd be proper pissed off if people were constantly going up and down my dropped kerb to save themselves a couple of grand. Also the main reason I can't be arsed to get my front done, because then all the fuckers will start using mine after I've spent £2k+ to get it all done myself.















sorry


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 20, 2019)

Shopper fury after man finds 24-hour Tesco CLOSED in late-night grocery shop

The full story is even better


----------



## kabbes (Feb 20, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Shopper fury after man finds 24-hour Tesco CLOSED in late-night grocery shop
> 
> The full story is even better


Dorking residents strike again!


----------



## existentialist (Feb 20, 2019)

cybershot said:


> Either way, the council can already have him for mounting the path without a dropped kerb. It's a criminal offense, and to be honest, something I wish BCC would do more about, loads of my neighbours do it, and most drive along the path to then go up and down the guy at the end of the blocks drive. I'd be proper pissed off if people were constantly going up and down my dropped kerb to save themselves a couple of grand. Also the main reason I can't be arsed to get my front done, because then all the fuckers will start using mine after I've spent £2k+ to get it all done myself.


Yeah, looking at that "driveway", it's pretty obvious to me that he's just opened up the property boundary to allow him to drive vehicles in and out that way - it's not even a paved drive.


----------



## cybershot (Feb 20, 2019)

existentialist said:


> Yeah, looking at that "driveway", it's pretty obvious to me that he's just opened up the property boundary to allow him to drive vehicles in and out that way - it's not even a paved drive.



It also looks like it's the side of the property as well, not the front. I wonder how much of that is actually his land!


----------



## cybershot (Feb 20, 2019)

Well, he's defo a twat, he already has a front drive, and just from this picture there's already 4 cars on that.


----------



## Mordi (Feb 20, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Shopper fury after man finds 24-hour Tesco CLOSED in late-night grocery shop
> 
> The full story is even better



I am so glad I clicked through for that. I only wish the journo had caught up with Owen Smith of NFA to ask whether he thought having a no cash policy would deter him from robbing Tescos in future.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 20, 2019)

One of the comments...



> "Mr Shersby headed to the store at 3.20am after realising he was "short on provisions".
> 
> Sounds like a case of having the 'munchies' ;-)


----------



## existentialist (Feb 20, 2019)

cybershot said:


> Well, he's defo a twat, he already has a front drive, and just from this picture there's already 4 cars on that.
> 
> View attachment 162436


And those windows are far too small to survive that awful fake glazing bars nonsense, not to mention that the house looks like something a caddis fly would have built to live in, with little bits tacked on here and there. That looks like it might have been a rather nice double-fronted perhaps-Edwardian job before it developed a huge growth on its North Wing. And it looks like he was too cheap to paint the side of the house...just the front bit.

So that's it, then. Not just presumptuous, but a thoroughly Bad Sort all round


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 20, 2019)

existentialist said:


> And it looks like he was too cheap to paint the side of the house...just the front bit.



I would guess only the front had been rendered, and therefore painted.

I've seen a lot of houses where only parts have been rendered & the rest left as plain brickwork, as odd as that is.


----------



## cybershot (Feb 20, 2019)

existentialist said:


> And those windows are far too small to survive that awful fake glazing bars nonsense, not to mention that the house looks like something a caddis fly would have built to live in, with little bits tacked on here and there. That looks like it might have been a rather nice double-fronted perhaps-Edwardian job before it developed a huge growth on its North Wing. And it looks like he was too cheap to paint the side of the house...just the front bit.
> 
> So that's it, then. Not just presumptuous, but a thoroughly Bad Sort all round



Rich twat being a twat shocker. I bet the whole area hates him. Clearly neighbours that have done the reporting to the press and council as well.


----------



## likesfish (Feb 20, 2019)

Gangsta rapper Eazy-E WILL be memorialised in Newhaven after man's bizarre campaign

eazy e the rapper is going to get a bench named after him in Newhaven


----------



## Fez909 (Feb 20, 2019)

'I caught a man having a poo, he laughed and hit me with his van'


----------



## hash tag (Feb 20, 2019)

A long running issue, it's not the first time it has happened. Apparently.


----------



## existentialist (Feb 20, 2019)

cybershot said:


> Rich twat being a twat shocker. I bet the whole area hates him. Clearly neighbours that have done the reporting to the press and council as well.


Rich people tend not to be quite such planks - I suspect this is one of those "loadsamoney" nouveau riche types, made a bit too much money a bit too fast and has gone a bit mad on the conspicuous consumption routine, without having the taste and discernment to do so in a way that doesn't make him look cheap, pisses off all the neighbours, and ends up with him looking like a complete dick.

Proper rich people, for all they might be undeserving cunts, do at least tend to be a little more "to the manner born".


----------



## two sheds (Feb 20, 2019)

hash tag said:


> A long running issue


----------



## Kaka Tim (Feb 21, 2019)

Fez909 said:


> 'I caught a man having a poo, he laughed and hit me with his van'



did the police give him a ... er...  log number?


----------



## Badgers (Feb 21, 2019)




----------



## UrbaneFox (Feb 21, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Devon couple save £15,000 by never using their heating
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I think that's lovely. They hold hands all the time, for extra warmth, and even Fido joins in.


----------



## wiskey (Feb 21, 2019)

Driver spotted with sheep, a deer, a parrot and a goat in his Vauxhall Zafira


----------



## Poi E (Feb 21, 2019)

Having an uncaged bird in a car is a really bad idea.


----------



## wiskey (Feb 21, 2019)

Poi E said:


> Having an uncaged bird in a car is a really bad idea.


And a goat is sensible


----------



## two sheds (Feb 22, 2019)

Goats don't fly around


----------



## hash tag (Feb 22, 2019)

Knitted bollards https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-47321911


----------



## petee (Feb 22, 2019)

*FLORIDA’S HERPES-CARRYING MONKEY POPULATION IS BOOMING*
“Do not feed it, do not approach it. Just stay away from it.”

https://www.firstcoastnews.com/amp/...b-9e07-068605068fdb&__twitter_impression=true


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 22, 2019)

UrbaneFox said:


> I think that's lovely. They hold hands all the time, for extra warmth, and even Fido joins in.


Fido doesn't look that keen tbf


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 22, 2019)

wiskey said:


> Driver spotted with sheep, a deer, a parrot and a goat in his Vauxhall Zafira


Is this a modern day version of the fox, chicken and grain puzzle?


----------



## dessiato (Feb 23, 2019)

Is the safest zebra crossing in the world in Spain? - Euro Weekly News Spain


----------



## hash tag (Feb 24, 2019)

Has he got it licked it covered 

Grandad downs half a pot of paint mistaking it for yogurt - and has no regrets


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 24, 2019)

hash tag said:


> Has he got it licked it covered
> 
> Grandad downs half a pot of paint mistaking it for yogurt - and has no regrets



A real life version of Uncle Albert in Only Fools & Horses mixing-up the gravy & coffee granules.


----------



## dessiato (Feb 24, 2019)

Woman starts watching old porn movie - then realises it's her mum and dad


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 24, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Woman starts watching old porn movie - then realises it's her mum and dad



When I first saw some of the topless photos of my mother as a model, in various magazines, I felt uncomfortable. 

Thank fuck it was only topless & very tasteful stuff, and not outright porn stuff.


----------



## dessiato (Feb 24, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> When I first saw some of the topless photos of my mother as a model, in various magazines, I felt uncomfortable.
> 
> Thank fuck it was only topless & very tasteful stuff, and not outright porn stuff.


Once, when I was 17, I walked in on my parents indulging in mild S&M. I was going to tell them my girlfriend was pregnant . That was a messed up day.


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 24, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Once, when I was 17, I walked in on my parents indulging in mild S&M. I was going to tell them my girlfriend was pregnant . That was a messed up day.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 24, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Once, when I was 17, I walked in on my parents indulging in mild S&M. I was going to tell them my girlfriend was pregnant . That was a messed up day.



Blimey! 

TBF, I was used to seeing my mother topless as a kid, as she always used to sunbathe topless in the garden, and I knew she had been a model & seen various photo shoots of her, so not sure why I felt uncomfortable seeing the topless ones, later in my life.


----------



## petee (Feb 25, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Once, when I was 17, I walked in on my parents indulging in mild S&M. I was going to tell them my girlfriend was pregnant . That was a messed up day.


----------



## Badgers (Feb 26, 2019)




----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 27, 2019)

Ex-cop who wants to build a 'moon base' in Moulsecoomb is banned from becoming a councillor



> And if he got in, he is promising he would build a Hollywood studio, an island off Brighton and a moon base which would allow people to experience what it’s like to be on the moon.





> He said it would be “paid for by Hollywood”, which he hopes will also build a movie studio in the area. He said this would be used to make a trilogy based on the story of King Arthur, written by himself.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Mar 1, 2019)

BREAKING NEWS
Morrisons lowers sausage roll prices to compete with Greggs


----------



## Indeliblelink (Mar 1, 2019)

Man accused of dipping testicles in customer's salsa


----------



## kabbes (Mar 1, 2019)

Indeliblelink said:


> Man accused of dipping testicles in customer's salsa


“The company issued a refund for the tainted food.”


----------



## neonwilderness (Mar 1, 2019)

Pensioner, 78, trapped in Sunderland bus station toilet for an hour - he called loved ones to bid them a funny final farewell


> I posted on Facebook too and it received a lot of laughs.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 4, 2019)

Local democracy reporter reveals city council’s ‘orgasm’ ban.


----------



## petee (Mar 7, 2019)

Hipster whines at tech mag for using his pic to imply hipsters look the same, discovers pic was of an entirely different hipster


----------



## Kaka Tim (Mar 7, 2019)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 162506



i suspect a parent may have helped with that particular bit of homework


----------



## Yossarian (Mar 7, 2019)

Dogging at beauty spots is putting people off their fish and chips


----------



## Poi E (Mar 7, 2019)

They could always have a sandwich instead.


----------



## two sheds (Mar 7, 2019)

Yossarian said:


> Dogging at beauty spots is putting people off their fish and chips



Fish and chips at beauty spots is putting people off their dogging


----------



## neonwilderness (Mar 8, 2019)

Carnage averted as police capture dangerous bird at large


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 9, 2019)

Regional publisher launches probe after four-letter word appears in death notice.


----------



## Lazy Llama (Mar 9, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Regional publisher launches probe after four-letter word appears in death notice.


The S(cunt)horpe Telegraph, no less


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 9, 2019)

Lazy Llama said:


> The S(cunt)horpe Telegraph, no less



I like the fact that Reach PLC, Daily Mirror group, is carrying out an investigation into how it happened - it's so fucking simple - you allow people to book ads on online, and you don't employ staff to check them before they go to print.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 9, 2019)

It brings a whole new meaning to the big regional press groups desire for RGC!  

* RGC = Reader Generated Content, i.e. stuff for free.


----------



## petee (Mar 10, 2019)

Man Throws Beer Bottle at Bartender Over Christmas Music: Police


----------



## two sheds (Mar 10, 2019)

Not guilty, outlandish provocation.


----------



## Kaka Tim (Mar 10, 2019)

petee said:


> Man Throws Beer Bottle at Bartender Over Christmas Music: Police









its my birthday and im not it saying again - NO CLIFF RICHARD! NO SLADE! AND NO FUCKING WHAM! Now put sabbath back on or i'll fucking knak yer!


----------



## petee (Mar 10, 2019)

two sheds said:


> Not guilty, outlandish provocation.



the place I saw that had a stream of comments, all of which were a version of "no jury in the world ..."


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 10, 2019)

Yossarian said:


> Dogging at beauty spots is putting people off their fish and chips


Something something salt and vinegar strokes something


----------



## Kaka Tim (Mar 11, 2019)

Police called to drunk woman stuck in a cat flap


----------



## petee (Mar 12, 2019)

Kaka Tim said:


> Police called to drunk woman stuck in a cat flap


i was worried that the video was going to show her stuck ...


----------



## Maggot (Mar 12, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Regional publisher launches probe after four-letter word appears in death notice.
> 
> View attachment 163994


----------



## neonwilderness (Mar 12, 2019)

Chainsaw-wielding good Samaritan praised for chopping up tree blocking major Gosport road

Chainsaw-wielding good Samaritan


----------



## [62] (Mar 14, 2019)

"In Plymouth Live's poll, over 91 per cent of people have said they would not buy a second hand takeaway."

Woman reveals why she tried to sell left-over Chinese on Facebook


----------



## petee (Mar 16, 2019)

hahahahahahahahaha 

Thieves Trying to Steal Precious Painting Get Worthless Copy

"ROME — The thieves who took “The Crucifixion,” a painting by the Flemish artist Pieter Brueghel the Younger, from a church in a Northern Italian town on Wednesday, knew what they were doing.

...

What the thieves didn’t know was that the painting was a copy that had been substituted for the original artwork a few weeks earlier, after the carabinieri, Italy’s military police, were tipped off that burglars had their sights set on the Brueghel."


----------



## existentialist (Mar 16, 2019)

Sadly, the headline was subsequently changed (click the image for story).


----------



## neonwilderness (Mar 18, 2019)

OAPs living at seaside home want 55p refund after TV trouble



> I may deny them the 55p, deduct it from my next rent payment. If everyone did that, it would be great.


----------



## Poi E (Mar 18, 2019)

existentialist said:


> View attachment 164728
> Sadly, the headline was subsequently changed (click the image for story).



So what did they glue the baby to?


----------



## petee (Mar 19, 2019)

hahahahahahaheeheeheehee

Politician who opposed mandatory chickenpox vaccine has been hospitalized after getting chickenpox

_Massimiliano Fedriga, a member of Italy's far-right League party, is dead-set against the country's mandatory vaccination laws. Guess who contracted chickenpox and had to spend four days in the hospital?_


----------



## petee (Mar 21, 2019)

Initiative started to rename Dripping Springs to, uh, 'Pound Town' after early settler

"For more information on, er, Pound Town, click here."


----------



## existentialist (Mar 21, 2019)

Poi E said:


> So what did they glue the baby to?


Ah, it turns out that the baby wasn't actually *glued* at all.

Personally, I suspect it was a stunt by Pembrokeshire County Council, who seem hell-bent on getting as many mentions of their new library, which has been built on a dank pier structure built over the Cleddau River previously occupied by an army surplus place and some other slightly dubious low-rent operation, into the local press.

At least, I wouldn't put it past them.


----------



## two sheds (Mar 21, 2019)

that's a fine subordinate clause


----------



## petee (Mar 22, 2019)

wow

https://www.unionleader.com/news/cr...cle_d2adf01c-58b1-5b28-af9d-83cd3676c82c.html

*One-legged man high on bath salts escalates Market Basket parking complaint to threatening to kill Claremont officers*


----------



## Badgers (Mar 23, 2019)




----------



## Indeliblelink (Mar 24, 2019)

Man eats raw pig's head outside vegan festival


----------



## dessiato (Mar 24, 2019)

Indeliblelink said:


> Man eats raw pig's head outside vegan festival


----------



## Yossarian (Mar 24, 2019)

What I don't understand is how he managed to keep his white jumper clean while eating a raw, bloody pig's head. Not entirely sure what kind of point he was trying to make either...


----------



## DaveCinzano (Mar 24, 2019)

Yossarian said:


> What I don't understand is how he managed to keep his white jumper clean while eating a raw, bloody pig's head. Not entirely sure what kind of point he was trying to make either...
> 
> View attachment 165469


Definitely no downside to eating raw pork


----------



## JimW (Mar 24, 2019)

DaveCinzano said:


> Definitely no downside to eating raw pork


The famous Diet of Worms


----------



## neonwilderness (Mar 25, 2019)

Soup poured through letterbox as neighbours row on North East Coronation Street


----------



## dessiato (Mar 25, 2019)

Not a newspaper headline. BA flight lands in Edinburgh by mistake


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 25, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Not a newspaper headline. BA flight lands in Edinburgh by mistake



Just got in, popped BBC News on, and Simon McCoy kept cracking-up whilst reading this report out, and again as he went to the weather guy, who also started cracking-up.


----------



## danny la rouge (Mar 25, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Not a newspaper headline. BA flight lands in Edinburgh by mistake


They did the passengers a service. Edinburgh is far superior to Düsseldorf.


----------



## dessiato (Mar 25, 2019)

danny la rouge said:


> They did the passengers a service. Edinburgh is far superior to Düsseldorf.


The staff at EDI are the rudest I've ever met at an airport. And I'm including American airports.


----------



## a_chap (Mar 25, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Not a newspaper headline. BA flight lands in Edinburgh by mistake



Having flown to Dusseldorf more times that I care to remember - and given that it's basically a commuter flight - I'm baffled that no passenger noticed they were flying north instead of west. Not flying over the English Channel would have been a bit of a giveaway that something was wrong!

Then again maybe, like me, they'd have been grateful to get out of whatever meeting they were supposed to be attending and chose to keep shtum...


----------



## neonwilderness (Mar 26, 2019)

Police stand-off ends as local claims: 'He just wanted a beef dip'


----------



## Combustible (Mar 27, 2019)

petee said:


> hahahahahahaheeheeheehee
> 
> Politician who opposed mandatory chickenpox vaccine has been hospitalized after getting chickenpox
> 
> _Massimiliano Fedriga, a member of Italy's far-right League party, is dead-set against the country's mandatory vaccination laws. Guess who contracted chickenpox and had to spend four days in the hospital?_



He is obviously a tosser but the case for the chickenpox vaccine is fairly marginal, many countries (including the NHS) don't recommend it for everyone, and very few people in his generation will have had it.


----------



## Yossarian (Mar 27, 2019)

Combustible said:


> He is obviously a tosser but the case for the chickenpox vaccine is fairly marginal, many countries (including the NHS) don't recommend it for everyone, and very few people in his generation will have had it.



I think most people in his generation will probably have had actual chickenpox - seems like it tends to be more serious in adults, so it's a good idea to make sure people who didn't have it childhood don't catch it from unvaccinated kids. 

But Fedriga wouldn't have caught it from his own kids... because he had them vaccinated, the big hypocrite.


----------



## Combustible (Mar 27, 2019)

Yossarian said:


> so it's a good idea to make sure people who didn't have it childhood don't catch it from unvaccinated kids.



That's what I would have thought, but the NHS advice at least is that only adults who have never had chickenpox and are healthcare workers or in contact with people who have weakened immune systems should have the vaccine.

Who should have the chickenpox vaccine?

Fedriga as far as I know claims he is in favour of vaccination but not mandatory vaccination, so I don't think he is really being hypocritical in that sense.


----------



## a_chap (Mar 27, 2019)

Dealer caught selling marshmallow leaf in WD-40 thinking it was Spice | Metro News


----------



## Chz (Mar 27, 2019)

Combustible said:


> That's what I would have thought, but the NHS advice at least is that only adults who have never had chickenpox and are healthcare workers or in contact with people who have weakened immune systems should have the vaccine.
> 
> Who should have the chickenpox vaccine?
> 
> Fedriga as far as I know claims he is in favour of vaccination but not mandatory vaccination, so I don't think he is really being hypocritical in that sense.


It seems silly on the NHS's part. While complications from childhood chicken pox are rare, they do exist and the vaccine is a cheap one. It also helps to prevent infected children from passing it to adults with weakened immune systems, or the odd strange one that didn't get it as a kid.

To word it differently, chicken pox parties were a perfectly reasonable thing to do when I was a kid. But with a cheap vaccine, there's really no excuse for such things to continue.


----------



## petee (Mar 27, 2019)

Combustible said:


> He is obviously a tosser but the case for the chickenpox vaccine is fairly marginal, many countries (including the NHS) don't recommend it for everyone, and very few people in his generation will have had it.



he must be a generation younger than i am.
tbh, getting the pox is no laughing matter. i was amazed to get it in my 30s (i'm one of Chz's examples). i had to be quarantined (at home, on my own recognizance), was warned about aspirin (pox + aspirin = Reye's syndrome), and penny-sized chunks of my scalp, with the hair, were falling out. thank Asclepius it didn't appear on the soles of my feet or on my sitter.


----------



## Combustible (Mar 27, 2019)

Chz said:


> It seems silly on the NHS's part. While complications from childhood chicken pox are rare, they do exist and the vaccine is a cheap one. It also helps to prevent infected children from passing it to adults with weakened immune systems, or the odd strange one that didn't get it as a kid.



Their reasoning is here. Essentially their argument is that vaccinating children may increase infections among adults, because those children that are not vaccinated will be less likely to pick it up as a child and therefore more vulnerable to infection as an adult where chickenpox is more serious. Also there is apparently evidence that continued exposure to the virus keeps shingles down for adults. Other countries do vaccinate so whether there is a net benefit really depends on the detailed statistics.


----------



## Chz (Mar 27, 2019)

_If_ it were always harmless in children, I could see it. As it actually is, they may as well not bother with measles. I mean, severe complications from that are fairly rare - less rare than chicken pox, but still statistically rare. They've nothing to back up their argument that it might be a bad thing, beyond that someone thought it might be a bad thing.


----------



## Poi E (Mar 27, 2019)

a_chap said:


> Dealer caught selling marshmallow leaf in WD-40 thinking it was Spice | Metro News



Fucking cunt judge. Jailing homeless people for selling marshmallow leaf. Legalise the shit now.


----------



## petee (Mar 27, 2019)

‘Dog Suicide Bridge’: Why Do So Many Pets Keep Leaping Into a Scottish Gorge?

_DUMBARTON, Scotland — “I was sure she was dead,” Lottie Mackinnon said quietly.

Ms. Mackinnon was sitting huddled in the corner of a cafe with her two children, sipping hot chocolate as she described the day three years ago when she was walking with her Border collie, Bonnie, over the Overtoun Bridge in Dumbarton, Scotland.

“Something overcame Bonnie as soon as we approached the bridge,” Ms. Mackinnon said. “At first she froze, but then she became possessed by a strange energy and ran and jumped right off the parapet.”

A bewitched dog lured to leap off a bridge by a malevolent force? It sounds like a preposterous scene straight from an old “Twilight Zone” episode.

But Ms. Mackinnon’s dog is one of hundreds that Scots insist have suddenly been compelled to throw themselves off the gothic stone structure since the 1950s. Many have ended up dead on the jagged rocks in the deep valley bed below._


----------



## neonwilderness (Mar 28, 2019)

Police use riot shields and loaf of bread to control 'mental' Greenock swan


----------



## iona (Mar 28, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Police use riot shields and loaf of bread to control 'mental' Greenock swan





> The swan *made officers feed it a loaf of Warburtons* and walked at its own pace home to Murdieston Park.


----------



## iona (Mar 28, 2019)

Seems like the police basically nicked the bread from a passer-by though so they're just as bad as the swan really


----------



## Ground Elder (Mar 28, 2019)

Stories like these are why we must fight to save our local press, or something 

*Vegan poisons herself by making simple slow cooker mistake*


> (not her real name)


*
Chocolate 'horror show' after Easter bunnies left in the sun at Aldi in Cowes*


> Hope you are all feeling smiley in the sun. Not like the horror show that's going on in Aldi's doorway


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 29, 2019)

Ground Elder said:


> Stories like these are why we must fight to save our local press, or something
> 
> *Chocolate 'horror show' after Easter bunnies left in the sun at Aldi in Cowes*


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 2, 2019)

Mystery as Union Jack spotted on top of huge tree in Worthing park: how did it get there?

Mystery? 



> When asked his expert opinion as to how the flag could have been placed there...



You asked? 



> ...
> Worthing Fire Station manager Roy Barraclough seemed to think someone must have climbed the tree.
> 
> He said: "I have no idea how someone would have got the flag up there in a public park, other than climbing the tree."



No shit, Sherlock.


----------



## Poi E (Apr 2, 2019)

Huh, it's a clean flag. Brit and English nats usually fly dirty ones.


----------



## JimW (Apr 2, 2019)

Microlight with a robot arm, of course.


----------



## fishfinger (Apr 2, 2019)

Maybe it was placed on the tree when it was a sapling. And they've only just noticed it.


----------



## Badgers (Apr 2, 2019)




----------



## Poi E (Apr 2, 2019)

Like the tweet in response: "did she get off?"


----------



## Indeliblelink (Apr 2, 2019)

*Naked protesters disrupt Hove MP's Brexit speech by gluing their BUMS to gallery glass*


----------



## mx wcfc (Apr 2, 2019)

Community spirit in Winchester.....

Give Us a Push? - Winchester Today


----------



## [62] (Apr 5, 2019)

It was in Truro. Hope that's not a spoiler.

Robbie Savage spotted in Devon and Cornwall eating a pasty


----------



## Badgers (Apr 6, 2019)

Lorry carrying 17 tonnes of gammon has burst into flames


----------



## Badgers (Apr 6, 2019)




----------



## neonwilderness (Apr 8, 2019)

People have been asked to stop pooing on South Shields Pier


----------



## Poi E (Apr 8, 2019)

A Geordie writes: 
_Well this country is now reaping the rewards of the do gooders, we cant dicsipline our kids and soft justice for criminals no wonder people will $h1t and p1$$ anywhere, banned from the pier if caught, they should throw them into the Tyne if caught with a couple of rocks tied round their neck_.


----------



## neonwilderness (Apr 8, 2019)

'Travis Perkins depressed my cat'


----------



## Yossarian (Apr 9, 2019)

> Squamish Fire Rescue says a blaze that ravaged a downtown building housing a cannabis grow operation has been contained as of noon on Monday.  ...
> 
> Smoke is minimal," said *Fire Chief Bill Stoner*. "We have knocked down the majority of the fire. Anything left is very minimal."



UPDATED: Blaze erupts in downtown Squamish Monday morning


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 9, 2019)

*Fire Chief Bill Stoner *- that's brilliant.


----------



## Poi E (Apr 9, 2019)

For the first time I shall bookmark a post. Brilliant.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Apr 10, 2019)

> Sheriff’s deputies in Washington County received a recent 911 call from a woman who said someone had broken into her home and locked themselves in her bathroom.
> 
> She told police she could see shadows moving under the door.
> 
> ...



Officers respond to burglary only to find trapped Roomba


----------



## Wilf (Apr 10, 2019)

Lazy Llama said:


> The S(cunt)horpe Telegraph, no less


Curses, beaten to it (a month ago )!


----------



## Enviro (Apr 11, 2019)

*Hengrove man left shocked by 'absolute disaster of dessert' he bought for £6 at Pizza Hut*

It was supposed to be a birthday treat 

The pics are classic!


----------



## Enviro (Apr 11, 2019)

Some of the comments are pretty good too.



> Not sure what's more embarrassing: that someone would consider paying £6 for a single biscuit from a pizza parlour; that they have no shame in running to the press; or that the press thinks it newsworthy.





> It's time to 'dessert' this 'absolute disaster' of a website. You can't even find funny stories that are actually funny. This shouldn't have made it past the guy's facebook page.
> 
> Our road network is collapsing, the centre of town looks like the third world, social care is being slashed, scum are blowing cannabis smoke into policemen's faces, our schools are underfunded, children are too hungry to learn, rents are sky high, the Tories are heartless, Labour are brainless, the rest are all loonies and corruption is rampant in local government, which has no money for anything except vastly expensive vanity projects.
> 
> But that's okay, in Hengrove someone bought a disappointing pudding.





> I would worry less about BP [Bristol Post] gap filling with stories like this and worry more that humans like this biscuit botherer exist amongst us.


----------



## Dogsauce (Apr 11, 2019)

Enviro said:


> The comments are pretty good too.



Apart from the racism in the second one.


----------



## Enviro (Apr 11, 2019)

Dogsauce said:


> Apart from the racism in the second one.



Hmm fair point. I didn't read it like that, but you're probably right?


----------



## kabbes (Apr 11, 2019)

Enviro said:


> *Hengrove man left shocked by 'absolute disaster of dessert' he bought for £6 at Pizza Hut*
> 
> It was supposed to be a birthday treat
> 
> The pics are classic!


He bought a biscuit and he got a biscuit.  What am I missing here?


----------



## Enviro (Apr 11, 2019)

I think the problem, as far as he sees it, is that it was overpriced and that, as a birthday treat, it was a little underwhelming.


----------



## kabbes (Apr 11, 2019)

Enviro said:


> I think the problem, as far as he sees it, is that it was overpriced and that, as a birthday treat, it was a little underwhelming.


What did he think he was getting?  It’s from Pizza Hut and it’s called “cookie dough”.  Did he think he was getting a Heston Blumemthal creation?


----------



## Steel Icarus (Apr 11, 2019)

"It came with a little pot of ice cream, but you expect that"


----------



## Poi E (Apr 11, 2019)

The sense of entitlement.


----------



## Rob Ray (Apr 11, 2019)

A little under 10,000 sheets can be produced per tree, and the Post has a paper circulation of 17,000 or so, meaning at least two had to be cut down to bring the masses this story about an underwhelming biscuit.


----------



## friedaweed (Apr 12, 2019)

HS2 will not touch John Bishop's Whatcroft Hall home despite £6.8m purchase

Funny comments on this one.

*Rodders Trotter 							8th April 4:01 pm 							*
								 2 								 								 								I'd sell up if it was going to run right past my back garden too. 								

_Last Updated: 9th April 4:05 pm 								_







*Darnhall x 							9th April 7:52 am 							*
								 I'd sell my house for HALF it's value if I found out John Bishop was moving next door, along with other painfully unfunny comedians like Michael McIntyre & Chris Ramsay. 								
_Last Updated: 9th April 4:06 pm 								_


----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 13, 2019)

Rob Ray said:


> A little under 10,000 sheets can be produced per tree, and the Post has a paper circulation of 17,000 or so, meaning at least two had to be cut down to bring the masses this story about an underwhelming biscuit.


Circulation figures are not the same as sales figures or print run figures. Typically they might be grounded in the notion that each copy _out in the wild_ (e.g. copies sold + freebies to hotel chains + other promos) is read by two people.


----------



## dessiato (Apr 13, 2019)

Games café 'Board Beans' opens in Northwich

Board Beans. No. Just absolutely no. I dislike the whole concept. A cafe in which you play board games. How bloody awful.

The concept is bad too. You want people in, buying high mark up goods and then leaving. Not sitting around playing boring games and blocking tables. High mark up, high rate of customer turn over. 

And "Board Beans!"

Rant over.

(Fucking Board Beans, FFS! )


----------



## Mordi (Apr 13, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Games café 'Board Beans' opens in Northwich
> 
> Board Beans. No. Just absolutely no. I dislike the whole concept. A cafe in which you play board games. How bloody awful.
> 
> ...



Terrible name, not sure there's a problem with the concept though. They're very popular in Germany (where despite being more of a beer and pretzels deal than cafe they're still popular with families) and there's been a few set up around the UK. You usually pay a cover fee for using the games/table and once you're there you'll obviously buy drinks and that, especially if you're playing a game that could last an afternoon. 

I met some friends at one in Dresden once and was all excited to get my teeth into something crunchy and German and instead we ended up playing a repackaged version of Snap. Fucking adults playing ten minute rounds of fucking snap. And there was a cupboard full of games about trains and logisitics and maybe a little war. I was and remain outraged.


----------



## Serge Forward (Apr 13, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Games café 'Board Beans' opens in Northwich
> 
> Board Beans. No. Just absolutely no. I dislike the whole concept. A cafe in which you play board games. How bloody awful.
> 
> ...


I like it! Better than a bunch of gormless anti social twats silently noodling on their phones for ages.


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 13, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Games café 'Board Beans' opens in Northwich
> 
> Board Beans. No. Just absolutely no. I dislike the whole concept. A cafe in which you play board games. How bloody awful.
> 
> ...


There's a lot of them about. They're very popular. Weird thing to be a snob about


----------



## Indeliblelink (Apr 13, 2019)

Pretty common in lots of pubs too.


----------



## JimW (Apr 13, 2019)

Even have them in Beijing. It's a global wave! Still get the blokes on street corners playing chess too.


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 13, 2019)

It's a good thing. I am too impatient and find them too concentratey to be entertaining but many of my friends meet regularly to play board games. It's a sociable thing to do and unworthy of dessiato 's disdain


----------



## Dom Traynor (Apr 13, 2019)

I go to them in Auckland as an alternative to going to the pub and drinking. They’re great. There’s now a board game place with a licence as well mind...


----------



## petee (Apr 13, 2019)

silly name yes, but a great idea. the best pub in town where i was an undergraduate had stacks of mags on the tables and board games to play. this was in the 70s, mind, and run by some laconic german guy who wound up in the asshole of the world and whose life story no-one knew. not some hipster thing.


----------



## Badgers (Apr 14, 2019)




----------



## Enviro (Apr 15, 2019)

*Dad 'refuses' to call baby the name chosen by his girlfriend*


----------



## QueenOfGoths (Apr 15, 2019)

We have a fireplace, my husband works for the council.... and we have Eastern European neighbours. Do I need to panic? 

Woman tells council she'd "rather die" than lose her beloved fireplace


----------



## Wilf (Apr 15, 2019)

Enviro said:


> *Hengrove man left shocked by 'absolute disaster of dessert' he bought for £6 at Pizza Hut*
> 
> It was supposed to be a birthday treat
> 
> The pics are classic!


If I was an artist, I'd reproduce the three pictures of him almost eating the biscuit as a triptych - 'Disappointment'


----------



## Sprocket. (Apr 16, 2019)

As normal in the Dearne Valley!


----------



## Dogsauce (Apr 16, 2019)

Bit OT, but the above featuring South Yorkshire plod reminds me of one of my favourite things ever:


----------



## Ground Elder (Apr 22, 2019)

*'It did make all the adults laugh' - Family's amusement over Tesco Easter bunting blunder*

Five hundred and forty six words and seven pictures  What did they expect for a quid?


----------



## Kaka Tim (Apr 23, 2019)

> "If I was on the dole or I had kids on my own, or I was Eastern European, no doubt they would let me keep the fireplace."



indeed - obviously housing regulations vary according to your membership of arbitrarily  selected marginal social groupings. Although - perhaps surprisingly - it seems muslims _do_ have to give up their fireplaces - unless they are classed as unemployed or from Krakow  obviously	(intersectionality - right there) .


----------



## pesh (Apr 25, 2019)

Man walks down street with fire blasting disco shed on his head


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 25, 2019)

VIDEO: Two men filmed carrying out LEWD sex act in front of horrified shoppers

FFS, oral sex, right in the town centre, outside the main shopping centre, in broad daylight.


----------



## Sprocket. (Apr 25, 2019)

pesh said:


> Man walks down street with fire blasting disco shed on his head



His head’s a shed.
Perfect.


----------



## Poi E (Apr 25, 2019)

Hmmph. That's what comes of Bristol's lax policing of sellers of killer skunk


----------



## gosub (Apr 25, 2019)

Man walks down street with fire blasting disco shed on his head


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 25, 2019)

gosub said:


> Man walks down street with fire blasting disco shed on his head



"You're joking - not another one!" 

(c) Brenda of Bristol.


----------



## hash tag (Apr 25, 2019)

I'm sorry, but I had a wry smile over this Limerick motorist can’t drive into his village  due to speed ramps


----------



## Rob Ray (Apr 25, 2019)

There once was a driver from Limerick
But his car had no way to get into it
He sulked to the press
"These speed ramps are a mess"
Yet the public they just didn't give a shit.


----------



## editor (Apr 26, 2019)

Gold-coloured hippo statue thrown off Hastings Pier


----------



## Sprocket. (Apr 26, 2019)

editor said:


> View attachment 169020
> 
> Gold-coloured hippo statue thrown off Hastings Pier



I could say I was sad to read this but I’d be a hippocrit.


----------



## Sprocket. (Apr 26, 2019)

pesh said:


> Man walks down street with fire blasting disco shed on his head



Does it speak volumes about my current mindset that I’m slightly jealous of this bloke?


----------



## existentialist (Apr 27, 2019)

The ultimate rural headline...

A farmer's unique proposal to fiancee painted on the side of a cow


----------



## Yossarian (Apr 27, 2019)

existentialist said:


> The ultimate rural headline...
> 
> A farmer's unique proposal to fiancee painted on the side of a cow



I'm surprised the headline wasn't more like "Will *Moo* Marry Me?"


----------



## existentialist (Apr 27, 2019)

Yossarian said:


> I'm surprised the headline wasn't more like "Will *Moo* Marry Me?"


They're not that imaginative at the Western Telegraph.


----------



## hash tag (Apr 27, 2019)

A farmer. whose mind is on the love of his life, thinks....cow


----------



## dessiato (Apr 27, 2019)

hash tag said:


> A farmer. whose mind is on the love of his life, thinks....cow


A few years ago my f-i-l said to my wife, "I went to the farm yesterday. I saw his old, fat, sheepdog. She looked like you." An old, fat, bitch reminded him of his daughter, who is still angry about it.


----------



## hash tag (Apr 27, 2019)

Good breading stock, easily trained, obedient


----------



## dessiato (Apr 27, 2019)

hash tag said:


> Good breading stock, easily trained, obedient


I'll let you tell Mrs Dess.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 28, 2019)

Credit to Friday's HIGNFY for highlighting this one...

Why is this pole at Gloucester Docks bent over?
*"The Leaning Tower of Gloucester Docks"*

 



> A spotlight pole by the Gloucester Docks is leaning on its side this afternoon after apparently getting a dent at the base. The tall structure is one of several at Orchard Square by the Gloucester Docks.
> 
> Citizens have been enjoying the Easter weekend soaking up the sun in the square, seemingly unperturbed by the development. The pole appears to have a large dent at the base, causing it to point slightly diagonally. It has left restaurant managers and members of the public scratching their heads as to what happened.



And, this update: 



> *UPDATE*
> 
> In an unexpected turn of events, the pole has now been removed.


----------



## petee (Apr 30, 2019)

https://nationalinterest.org/blog/buzz/heres-why-you-dont-mix-lsd-and-nuclear-powered-aircraft-carriers-54002

_The prevalence of LSD in a critical nuclear-related facility is surprisingly not confined to the Navy: In May 2018, 14 airmen from the Air Force security units at F.E. Warren Air Force Base in Wyoming tasked with safeguarding nuclear missile silos were disciplined for dropping acid between shifts._


----------



## Poi E (Apr 30, 2019)

Gets boring waiting for Armageddon. And those bases are fucking cool to roam about in.


----------



## Nine Bob Note (May 1, 2019)

'I donut believe it': Driver's anger after returning to collect his BMW from car wash and finding staff performing donuts


----------



## Badgers (May 1, 2019)

Two women had a HUGE fight in Greggs over the last vegan sausage roll


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 2, 2019)

This is a cute story.

Meet the Sussex man who 'walks' his parrot at the park



> Curtis Fullman takes his blue and yellow macaw Rhaegar – named after a prince in the Game of Thrones television series – out for exercise at Pond Lane Recreation Ground, Worthing, keeping him on a leash and on his hand until it is safe to fly.
> 
> The fashion design graduate at Northbrook College has spent years training his pet to ‘free-fly’, and he encouraged other parrot owners to train their birds to do the same.
> 
> He said: “It would be nice to meet up with some other parrot owners in Worthing and show them that their parrots don’t have to stay in a cage the whole time.”


----------



## MrSki (May 3, 2019)




----------



## neonwilderness (May 4, 2019)

Disgusting meaning of graffiti on Cornish bridge


----------



## Poi E (May 4, 2019)

Journo looks at a bridge and thinks of lads tossing off. Still, probably the sort of journalistic integrity that will have her sliding up the greasy pole.


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 5, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Disgusting meaning of graffiti on Cornish bridge





> Journalism student Elizabeth Dale posted a picture on Twitter, saying: “I feel like someone's trying to communicate something, I'm just not sure what it is…”
> 
> The tweet prompted some fine biscuit puns.
> 
> *@VoleyU75 replied: “Did you check the other side of the bridge? It may be militantly pro-Hobnob.”*



Urban's very own Voley.


----------



## Voley (May 5, 2019)

This is undoubtedly my finest hour.


----------



## hash tag (May 6, 2019)

Ouch. Nebraska man accidentally shoots himself in the genitals after dropping gun

Bet he feels a right dick.


----------



## Libertad (May 6, 2019)

hash tag said:


> Ouch. Nebraska man accidentally shoots himself in the genitals after dropping gun
> 
> Bet he feels a right dick.



Not any more he doesn't.


----------



## neonwilderness (May 6, 2019)

Horror as Devon scones sold openly in Cornwall shop

I expect that Voley is all over this one on Twitter too


----------



## mx wcfc (May 6, 2019)

TBF, I expect Voley to be organising the resistance right now, and I look forward to his reports of victory very soon.  The errant shop keepers, doubtless blow ins, must be re-educated in the most forceful terms possible.


----------



## mx wcfc (May 6, 2019)

Meanwhile in Winchester.......

‘We’re being ripped off’: is the 64 from Winchester England’s priciest bus?


----------



## Voley (May 6, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Horror as Devon scones sold openly in Cornwall shop
> 
> I expect that Voley is all over this one on Twitter too


I'm afraid that my life as a social media influencer is entirely devoted to graffiti and Hobnob-related issues at the moment. To introduce the 'Jam First' debate into my hectic schedule would be sadly unfeasible at present.


----------



## neonwilderness (May 6, 2019)

Voley said:


> I'm afraid that my life as a social media influencer is entirely devoted to graffiti and Hobnob-related issues at the moment. To introduce the 'Jam First' debate into my hectic schedule would be sadly unfeasible at present.


Whatever you do, don’t get the two of them confused


----------



## Libertad (May 7, 2019)

Voley said:


> I'm afraid that my life as a social media influencer is entirely devoted to graffiti and Hobnob-related issues at the moment. To introduce the 'Jam First' debate into my hectic schedule would be sadly unfeasible at present.



You know that Jam First is the Kernewek branch of Britain First.


----------



## Poi E (May 8, 2019)

I have no idea what you just said. Is it foreign?


----------



## neonwilderness (May 10, 2019)

Hot chicken counter in Northampton town centre supermarket will close tomorrow



> One forlorn shopper said: "This is the best part of my day sometimes.
> 
> "I don't really want anything else in the town some days. All I want is two fresh hot chicken thighs for £1 and maybe a banana.
> 
> "I don't know what I'll do now at lunchtime. I can't be bothered with meal prep."


----------



## editor (May 12, 2019)




----------



## cupid_stunt (May 12, 2019)

Blimey, editor, that's an old one, very odd event.

One bloke died & one woman was airlifted to hospital, I remember The Sun's coverage after that calling it a 'secretive sex festival', despite it having been reported all over the place, weeks before it had even happened.


----------



## Indeliblelink (May 12, 2019)

*Katie Price asked if on crack after stripping and staring at woman's genitals*

*Katie Price's new job - singing at funerals for £5,000 fee*


----------



## neonwilderness (May 14, 2019)

Fury at 'wildlife hub' which was meant to have swans - but instead has rubble








> If you look at the show village section of the estate, they even have swans around the lake up there - we have rubble. It's awful.


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 14, 2019)

> A regional daily has officially debunked The Sun’s famous ‘Freddie Starr at my hamster’ headline following the comedian’s death.
> 
> The Leicester Mercury splashed on Saturday with the headline ‘Freddie Starr did not eat my hamster’ after tracking down the rodent’s owner Louise Fox, who lives in the Leicestershire village of Desford.
> 
> In 1986 The Sun ran the infamous story about putting the live pet, called Sonic, in a sandwich and sticking it in his mouth.



Regional daily debunks Freddie Starr ‘hamster’ story after comedian’s death.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (May 15, 2019)

I may have mentioned that I live near a zoo.  The zoo recently underwent a major remodeling/expansion and are getting ready to open.  The design includes both a Sumatran Tiger exhibit and a live bird stage show.  Someone decided it was a good idea to put the two exhibits next to each other.  That said, I'm sure you can see the following coming:

https://journalstar.com/news/local/...cle_43a6a634-523f-5cbb-9e1a-c6f0374a29e7.html


----------



## mx wcfc (May 15, 2019)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> I may have mentioned that I live near a zoo.  The zoo recently underwent a major remodeling/expansion and are getting ready to open.  The design includes both a Sumatran Tiger exhibit and a live bird stage show.  Someone decided it was a good idea to put the two exhibits next to each other.  That said, I'm sure you can see the following coming:
> 
> https://journalstar.com/news/local/...cle_43a6a634-523f-5cbb-9e1a-c6f0374a29e7.html


That site is blocked from EU countries.


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (May 15, 2019)

mx wcfc said:


> That site is blocked from EU countries.



How rude of them.  Here is the text:



> A green-winged macaw at the Lincoln Children’s Zoo didn’t survive its injuries Tuesday after it was attacked by a tiger.
> 
> The bird, which joined the zoo in November, was practicing for a presentation -- learning to eventually fly from the new Secret Jungle to the outdoor theater -- when it detoured into the Sumatran tiger habitat, which opened to the public last week as part of the zoo's $24 million, 10-acre expansion.
> 
> ...



A previous story about the tigers was called  "Top of the food chain in the middle of Lincoln".  Uh huh.


----------



## a_chap (May 15, 2019)

(((little bird)))


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (May 16, 2019)

a_chap said:


> (((little bird)))



Yep, and entirely predictable.  They spent $24 Million redesigning the place and it didn't occur to them that putting an open-air bird exhibit next to the tiger cage was a bad idea.


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 16, 2019)

TV advert featuring Worthing beach to air during Britain’s Got Talent

It's a scene of 2 or 3 seconds at most, and no clue its Worthing.


----------



## neonwilderness (May 16, 2019)

Fury at plans for Cornwall's new pasty drive-through

Voley


----------



## hash tag (May 17, 2019)

One slight issue; the timetable says no! New £6,000 bus stop installed in Maltby - on road with no bus route


----------



## hash tag (May 17, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Fury at plans for Cornwall's new pasty drive-through
> 
> Voley



*"Fury at plans for Cornwall's new pasty drive-through" *
Thats one massive pasty!


----------



## Sprocket. (May 17, 2019)

hash tag said:


> One slight issue; the timetable says no! New £6,000 bus stop installed in Maltby - on road with no bus route



Maltby is a rather special place.


----------



## hash tag (May 18, 2019)

Sprocket. said:


> Maltby is a rather special place.



Why?


----------



## dessiato (May 18, 2019)

hash tag said:


> Why?


My cousin who was asked to leave the Marines after taking a shotgun into a pub and threatening to shoot someone lives there. He did time for it.


----------



## Sprocket. (May 18, 2019)

hash tag said:


> Why?


The first rule of Maltby club is we don’t speak about Maltby club.
Especially Maltby Miners Welfare Club FC.


----------



## Sprocket. (May 18, 2019)

Being from the village I was from involved taking your life in your hands if you visited Maltby and viceversa for their youths.
I once was involved in a mass brawl at the Miners that had started in the Queens in the village centre. I got clobbered by two blokes who were brothers. I later met them at my uncles funeral in Maltby. They were his eldest daughter’s sons. My half cousins.


----------



## Sprocket. (May 18, 2019)

Although Maltby does have one of the best cycle shops in the area.


----------



## editor (May 18, 2019)

More fury 

Fury after Morrisons wouldn't sell couple meat pies before 9am


----------



## petee (May 18, 2019)

Inmate Declares Himself a Disciple of Bachus to Receive Wine with Every Meal

" "Considering that in this detention center food is distributed according to the religious beliefs of each inmate, I request that my religious right be respected as well,” the man wrote in a letter obtained by Publico. “I hereby inform the administration that I am a disciple of the god Bacchus (the god of wine). For this reason I request that I be provided with a glass of wine for my daily meals in order to comply with the norms of my religion. Thanks a lot!”


----------



## DaveCinzano (May 19, 2019)

editor said:


> More fury
> 
> Fury after Morrisons wouldn't sell couple meat pies before 9am


OLD STORY IS OLD 

 

Local Newspaper Headlines!


----------



## Voley (May 19, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Fury at plans for Cornwall's new pasty drive-through
> 
> Voley


I am furious. About everything.


----------



## hash tag (May 19, 2019)

Sprocket. said:


> Maltby is a rather special place.



Muglet Lane


----------



## Sprocket. (May 19, 2019)

hash tag said:


> Muglet Lane



It certainly is.


----------



## Wilf (May 20, 2019)

editor said:


> More fury
> 
> Fury after Morrisons wouldn't sell couple meat pies before 9am


Oooh! We go to that Morrisons!


----------



## petee (May 20, 2019)

Santorum gets pounded

https://www.rawstory.com/2019/05/thats-not-true-santorum-gets-pounded-on-cnn-for-saying-trump-cant-obstruct-justice-without-an-underlying-crime/


----------



## dessiato (May 22, 2019)

Outrage as Asturias women squash champions receive vibrators as a prize


----------



## hash tag (May 22, 2019)

"it is extreemly hard to see the funny side of a gesture...." 

I have learnt something; electric nail files. I never knew such things existed.


----------



## dessiato (May 22, 2019)

hash tag said:


> "it is extreemly hard to see the funny side of a gesture...."
> 
> I have learnt something; electric nail files. I never knew such things existed.


The one in the pic is actually an electric foot 'sander' for removing hard skin. They can file nails but do so very badly. I'll look for my electric nail file later and put up a pic.


----------



## neonwilderness (May 22, 2019)

NWA's Eazy-E memorial to arrive in Newhaven 'within the week'



> A jubilant Mr Stevens told the told the council: “Get a gangsta rap concert going in the summer.
> 
> “I want Eazy E and NWA blaring out of the speakers on Denton Island with a burger van and beer tent.”





> Councillor Graham Amy said: “This was a good-hearted jest which has turned into a brilliant gesture.
> 
> “It will be a nice bench for people to rest even if they’ve never heard of him.
> 
> “I will certainly be visiting.”


----------



## dessiato (May 22, 2019)

hash tag Badgers my electric nail file is very similar to this


Google Image Result for https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0205/2714/products/Professional-Nail-Art-Drill-File-Buffer-Polish-Manicure-Pedicure-Acrylics-Nail-Electric-Remover-Pens_1024x1024.jpg?v=1488246150


----------



## hash tag (May 22, 2019)

I do believe you are being serious! 
You have form; what do you use that for, cleaning the kettle, the oven, please don't say wax out of your ears?


----------



## dessiato (May 22, 2019)

hash tag said:


> I do believe you are being serious!
> You have form; what do you use that for, cleaning the kettle, the oven, please don't say wax out of your ears?


As part of my pedicure and manicure routine of course. The buffer is good for polishing small things too.


----------



## hash tag (May 22, 2019)

"one of the most laughable, ludicrous and short sighted"
Exterminate! Dalek under fire in Allendale


----------



## hash tag (May 22, 2019)

dessiato said:


> As part of my pedicure and manicure routine of course. The buffer is good for polishing small things too.



I'm sorry, I clearly got you all wrong


----------



## dessiato (May 22, 2019)

hash tag said:


> I'm sorry, I clearly got you all wrong


Doesn't everyone have a mani-pedi routine?


----------



## bendeus (May 22, 2019)

dessiato said:


> The one in the pic is actually an electric foot 'sander' for removing hard skin. They can file nails but do so very badly. I'll look for my electric nail file later and put up a pic.


I need one of those. My feet look and feel like elephant hide. I'm going to join a Spanish squash league.


----------



## Yossarian (May 24, 2019)

Well done that sheep.

Chaos as sheep goes on rampage and head butts police officer in Lancaster


----------



## Humberto (May 24, 2019)

Right in the gonads.


----------



## a_chap (May 24, 2019)

Did someone say headbutts?


----------



## brogdale (May 24, 2019)




----------



## Yossarian (May 24, 2019)

Stunned mum finds sausage meat FACE in 91p packet of Aldi bangers



> “In a packet of 20 we only got 12 sausages and then this massive face came out,” she said.
> 
> Fran could feel an unusual lump in the blue-and-white pack: “I thought, ‘What the hell is that?’ When I turned it over I saw it was a face. Luckily, my mate was there as well.”


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 24, 2019)

Yossarian said:


> Stunned mum finds sausage meat FACE in 91p packet of Aldi bangers



And, linked from that page - 'This definitely bit back' - Aldi customer finds rusty staple in gourmet chicken



> _And in April, a man was shocked to find a metal staple in his Aldi chicken._



 

Great photo!


----------



## Yossarian (May 24, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> And, linked from that page - 'This definitely bit back' - Aldi customer finds rusty staple in gourmet chicken
> 
> 
> 
> ...



He looks like the smarter twin brother of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys.


----------



## hash tag (May 24, 2019)

brogdale said:


> View attachment 171978


 Boyfriend was chicken


----------



## kabbes (May 25, 2019)

91p for 20 sausages.  I weep for the pigs they are made from and I shudder to think what else is in the sausages.  Less than 5p does not pay for quality pork from a well treated pig.


----------



## Poi E (May 29, 2019)

Pork is the cheap meat par excellence. Chemically treated to fuck so it lasts for ages, loads of yield from an animal that will eat most things. The start of fast food.


----------



## extra dry (May 29, 2019)

Pigs are just as tasty as chickens.

Birds have been the evolutionary kick starter, eggs for proteins packed portable cookable meal and chicken/bird meat.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 29, 2019)

'Octopus-swerving' driver had taken drugs


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 29, 2019)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> 'Octopus-swerving' driver had taken drugs





cupid_stunt said:


> What would a octopus be doing on A381 Salcombe Road near Burleigh Lane, in the middle of the countryside?
> 
> I suspect the drug involved was shrooms or acid.





> The drugs in Shapley's system included morphine, codeine, cannabis, and a by-product of heroin.



I picked the wrong drug(s).


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (May 29, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> I picked the wrong drug(s).



Don't be too down on yerself, AFAIK acid doesn't show up in police drugs tests...


----------



## Poi E (May 30, 2019)

Yossarian said:


> Well done that sheep.
> 
> Chaos as sheep goes on rampage and head butts police officer in Lancaster



Section 155 of the Highways Act has the offence of having a pig untethered and loose on a public highway. This clearly needs to be updated to cover more modern matters.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jun 1, 2019)

Watch as man at Cheese Rolling is hit in the face by the cheese


----------



## petee (Jun 1, 2019)

headline of the year?

*Stuck trucks botch Notch despite VTrans bans, fines and signs*

*https://vtdigger.org/2019/05/30/stuck-trucks-botch-notch-despite-vtrans-bans-fines-and-signs/*


----------



## WWWeed (Jun 1, 2019)

I forgot to post this when I first came across this but I've just been reminded of this gem:

*Dealer found with crack between his buttocks*

I'm really pissed off as the jobsworths have since renamed the story but found this as proof:


----------



## MrSki (Jun 2, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Jun 2, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Jun 2, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Jun 2, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Jun 2, 2019)




----------



## Sprocket. (Jun 2, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Watch as man at Cheese Rolling is hit in the face by the cheese



How mature!


----------



## MrSki (Jun 2, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Jun 2, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Jun 2, 2019)




----------



## HoratioCuthbert (Jun 4, 2019)

There’s one on call vet that guesses at our anatomy in an emergency or else you’ve just got to call the nearest farmer and hope for the best.


----------



## hash tag (Jun 8, 2019)

You herd it here first London commuters hit by delays due to goats on tracks


----------



## Badgers (Jun 8, 2019)




----------



## Calamity1971 (Jun 11, 2019)

Boy praised for 'detective work' after drawing picture of stranger trying to get through school gates
wearing pants at least.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jun 13, 2019)

'My camel loves drum and bass' - woman who took camel to festival hits back at activists


> A WOMAN who received abuse for taking her camel to a rave said the animal enjoys dance music.


----------



## Poi E (Jun 14, 2019)

She's clearly got the hump.


----------



## extra dry (Jun 14, 2019)

He's only got 2 cupboards, puts them miles apart.


cupid_stunt said:


> And, linked from that page - 'This definitely bit back' - Aldi customer finds rusty staple in gourmet chicken
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Steel Icarus (Jun 14, 2019)

Dunno about anyone else but if I knew the press were coming round I'd empty my washer.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 15, 2019)

Not the brightest dealer in town! 

Sompting man who stamped his own name into drugs is jailed - after failing to smuggle holdall of cannabis into prison

His name is Stephen Best and he stamped 'Besti' on a number of cannabis resin bars & then turned-up for his arranged arrest with a bag containing a large quantity of cannabis to take to prison with him! 



> "The quantity of drugs was considerable and while it is not unusual for drug dealers to set up brands of drugs, I've never seen someone stamp their own name into them.
> 
> “It's quite rare as well for someone to arrange the date, time and location of their arrest and still turn up in possession of illegal drugs.





> Best, 30, handed himself into police on November 27 and brought with him a bag which he claimed he had packed in case he was remanded in custody. Officers searched the bag and found a large quantity of herbal cannabis inside. He was remanded in custody, police said.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 15, 2019)

A27 blocked by suitcases between Worthing and Arundel

Headline says 'A27 blocked', opening line says 'partially blocked', middle line 'reported to be stopping traffic', and finishing line says 'traffic coping well', so which is it? 



> *The A27 has been partially blocked by suitcases between Worthing and Arundel.*
> 
> Suitcases in the carriageway are reported to be stopping traffic eastbound from Dover Lane to the A280 Angmering/Clapham Junction.
> 
> Traffic is reported to be coping well, but being affected from Arundel to Clapham and Worthing.



And, that's the whole pointless 'article', fucking useless rag.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jun 15, 2019)

hash tag said:


> You herd it here first London commuters hit by delays due to goats on tracks


Goats ‘not sorry’ for disrupting rail services


----------



## Smoking kills (Jun 16, 2019)

Kinell! That log in the foreground is basically a step ladder. Also, if my goats had escaped and caused a railway incident I wouldn't take the piss out the people I'd endangered and delayed.
ETA the farm staff are facing redundancy. Could have been goat secondary picketing inspired by XR.


----------



## stuff_it (Jun 17, 2019)

Not a local paper, but a headline worthy of one: How eviction leads to homelessness: ‘My youngest child doesn’t know what a home is’

"The biggest cause of homelessness is eviction..."


----------



## Libertad (Jun 18, 2019)

stuff_it said:


> Not a local paper, but a headline worthy of one: How eviction leads to homelessness: ‘My youngest child doesn’t know what a home is’
> 
> "The biggest cause of homelessness is eviction..."



8th January 2018, Guardian thread thataway >>>


----------



## Yossarian (Jun 18, 2019)

Lying dentist struck off after dog bites inspector's leg


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 18, 2019)

Yossarian said:


> Lying dentist struck off after dog bites inspector's leg



FFS, if it's not bad enough that she defrauded the NHS & put patient's health at risk, keeping dogs on the premises.  



> A misconduct report from the General Dental Council said three dogs had been found under the reception desk.
> 
> “Two of the dogs were aggressive and staff told us that they do not like people. One of the dogs bit the inspector’s leg,” the report said.
> 
> Ms Hopkins “failed to protect staff and patients from the risks of the spread of infection and injury,” the report said.


----------



## iona (Jun 18, 2019)

Tbh having dogs in reception, and reusing perio probes and disposables, are the only things in that article or the GDC hearing report I've not seen multiple other dentists doing. (Not saying she shouldn'tve been struck off, to be clear, just this wasn't as extreme or unusual as people seem to think)

And the endomethasone thing is baffling me coz I've seen it used up till I stopped dental nursing in 2016, it's still available to buy now and when I google "endomethasone withdrawn from use UK 2010" the only results I get are two articles and the GDC hearing from this case and a few research papers


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 20, 2019)

Sussex couple living in boiler suits as thousands of ‘toxic’ caterpillars invade home

Loving the classic local rag photo for this story.  





Wait for it...





drum roll...







That has made my day!


----------



## dessiato (Jun 20, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Sussex couple living in boiler suits as thousands of ‘toxic’ caterpillars invade home
> 
> Loving the classic local rag photo for this story.
> 
> ...


I love that they would consider selling their home if the problem continues. After this highlighting of a problem who do they think would buy it?


----------



## cybershot (Jun 20, 2019)

Not quite local but worth it. 

Woman blames Sainsbury's after she microwaved cottage pie for 45 minutes | Metro News


----------



## neonwilderness (Jun 20, 2019)

Police probe after woman 'had a wee in Metro bin after singing Sweet Caroline'


----------



## extra dry (Jun 22, 2019)

dessiato said:


> I love that they would consider selling their home if the problem continues. After this highlighting of a problem who do they think would buy it?


A butterfly collector, medicinal wings surly


----------



## andysays (Jun 22, 2019)

Is Butler Creek, Montana local to Yuwipi Woman?

Bear falls asleep in wardrobe after entering home


> A black bear has been found sleeping in a wardrobe after apparently locking itself into a room in a home in the US state of Montana. Alerted to the intrusion in Butler Creek, police said the large mammal just yawned when officers knocked on the window to wake it up.





> It eventually had to be tranquilised and removed. Police warned people to lock up their homes as the bear reportedly tried at least two other doors in the area. They said the bear had somehow entered a laundry room in the house and managed to bolt the door from the inside. It began ripping the room apart before apparently feeling tired and climbing into the wardrobe for a nap.


No mention of it eating a bowl of porridge...


----------



## extra dry (Jun 22, 2019)

That goldlylocks


----------



## andysays (Jun 22, 2019)




----------



## extra dry (Jun 22, 2019)

cybershot said:


> Not quite local but worth it.
> 
> Woman blames Sainsbury's after she microwaved cottage pie for 45 minutes | Metro News


Hotter than the Sun.

I take it microwaves are new to her household


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jun 23, 2019)

andysays said:


> Is Butler Creek, Montana local to Yuwipi Woman?
> 
> Bear falls asleep in wardrobe after entering home
> 
> ...



Its a little out of range.  We don't really have bears in Nebraska.


----------



## andysays (Jun 24, 2019)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> Its a little out of range.  We don't really have bears in Nebraska.


Check your wardrobe anyway,  just to be on the safe side...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Jun 28, 2019)




----------



## Steel Icarus (Jun 29, 2019)

So it's Armed Forces Day in Cleethorpes this whole weekend (lest we forget for five fucking minutes) and though this isn't strictly headline stuff I thought it belonged here, just for the terrible ideology and even worse copy in the Grimsby Telegraph


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 1, 2019)

Worthing Armed Forces Weekend – crowds flock to celebrations

Crowds? 

   

Not exactly Glastonbury, is it?


----------



## [62] (Jul 1, 2019)

Sweary pensioner demands heroes go back in river for her shopping

Burger-eating unwitting pigeon killer too.

Pure evil.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 1, 2019)

[62] said:


> Sweary pensioner demands heroes go back in river for her shopping
> 
> Burger-eating unwitting pigeon killer too.
> 
> Pure evil.





> "We managed to get her to the edge and sit her down. She was not very appreciative to be honest and was swearing quite a bit, saying 'leave me alone'.



I would have pushed her back in, TBH.


----------



## Badgers (Jul 1, 2019)




----------



## flypanam (Jul 5, 2019)

You're shitting me...
Jail time for Sheboygan man who repeatedly clogged women's toilets


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 6, 2019)

'It was a nightmare' - man's holiday hell as Brighton hotel room soars above 30 degrees



> A spokesman for The Brighton Hotel said: “I don’t like implying that (the thermometer) was manipulated, but I don’t know how that room was at 30 degrees, it defies the laws of physics.


----------



## andysays (Jul 6, 2019)

A spokesman for the Brighton Hotel checking the temperature of the rooms recently...


----------



## Badgers (Jul 6, 2019)




----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 7, 2019)

Pensioner livid after Asda runs out of his favourite 34p Smart Price sardines



> Miffed Harty Ervine claims a tin of the 34p 'Smart Price' fish in a tomato sauce "makes a nice sandwich".
> 
> But he says he has been left "suffering" after stock issues kept them off his local Asda's shelves for as long as six weeks.
> 
> "It would have been quicker for the little fish to have just swam here from the Mediterranean," raged Harty.


----------



## Badgers (Jul 7, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Pensioner livid after Asda runs out of his favourite 34p Smart Price sardines


Is that your dad?


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 7, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Is that your dad?


No, but it is my local Asda 

I rarely shop there because it's shit.


----------



## Serge Forward (Jul 7, 2019)

Agreed. It's only worth going there for the sardines.


----------



## DotCommunist (Jul 7, 2019)

34p for a tin of sardines in tom sauce is an absolute bargain, and also why the oceans wildlife is on the point of collapse.


----------



## petee (Jul 8, 2019)

stupid cock.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/jul/04/maurice-the-cockerel-noise-polluter-case-heard-in-court

“The chicken is a harmless animal so stupid that nobody has succeeded in training it... "

i side with the retirees. roosters' calls are ear-spitting and of no use in this day and age.


----------



## gentlegreen (Jul 8, 2019)

Mum's anger after spending £100 on 'rigged' claw machine


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 8, 2019)

gentlegreen said:


> Mum's anger after spending £100 on 'rigged' claw machine



£100! 

She's taken being stupid to a whole new level.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jul 8, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> £100!
> 
> She's taken being stupid to a whole new level.


She could have got Amazon to send one to her on same day delivery for a lot less


----------



## gentlegreen (Jul 8, 2019)

petee said:


> stupid cock.
> 
> https://www.theguardian.com/world/2019/jul/04/maurice-the-cockerel-noise-polluter-case-heard-in-court
> 
> ...


----------



## petee (Jul 8, 2019)

USA! USA!


----------



## a_chap (Jul 8, 2019)

"crown jewels", eh?


----------



## hash tag (Jul 9, 2019)

Not local but made me chuckle, if only for flying over a yodelling festival Swiss jet display team flies over wrong festival


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 9, 2019)

Killjoy Scottish council spend £6,000 on fence to stop children playing football


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 9, 2019)

Katlady Services boss denies renaming Dundee firm to taunt pet lover who sued him for £20,000 - The Courier


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 9, 2019)

Take a peak at the most expensive homes on sale in Worthing

*cough*

Slight problem, the top 6 are not actually in Worthing.


----------



## Badgers (Jul 10, 2019)

Couple wake to find man lying on their doorstep looking "absolutely bladdered"


----------



## Wilf (Jul 10, 2019)

[62] said:


> Sweary pensioner demands heroes go back in river for her shopping
> 
> Burger-eating unwitting pigeon killer too.
> 
> Pure evil.


Apparently, Boris Johnson has her lined up to be his Brexit Secretary.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jul 10, 2019)

*'You can't call it Les Dennis' says Les Dennis to man hoping to open Les Dennis Lounge*


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 11, 2019)

Family 'airloom': Gran's Get Well Soon helium balloon survives 20 years


----------



## Yossarian (Jul 11, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> £100!
> 
> She's taken being stupid to a whole new level.



Weird part is that she spent £40 to win one teddy - then decided to try for another.


----------



## MrSki (Jul 12, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Jul 12, 2019)




----------



## dessiato (Jul 12, 2019)

MrSki said:


>


I've done that. It can be quite painful.


----------



## petee (Jul 13, 2019)

https://barkpost.com/discover/sheepdog-car


----------



## petee (Jul 16, 2019)

wut?

Italian Cops Raid Neo-Fascists And Find Air-To-Air Missile That France Had Sold To Qatar


----------



## MrSki (Jul 17, 2019)




----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jul 17, 2019)

> *City hall: Public art Spiderman hands confused for devil horns, called anti-Christian*
> 
> The sculpture of red-and-black hands shooting a spiderweb near the Lincoln Children's Zoo offended a Lincoln woman so much she wrote to Mayor Leirion Gaylor Baird demanding city action.
> 
> ...



https://journalstar.com/news/local/...FFQpm5pG1w2wl1mMRrzRZPLEmJ3q0yGUrshE4PZl9i4b8

They don't let her out much, do they?

<edited to add>
Turns out this series of sculptures are a fundraiser for Youth for Christ.


----------



## Ground Elder (Jul 18, 2019)

Good to hear he's keeping busy


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 18, 2019)

Customers in tears after city centre McDonald's suddenly closes

I don't think that this one is entirely serious


----------



## Ground Elder (Jul 18, 2019)

First Sting and now New Order. Looking forward to Talk Talk tackling pavement parking.


----------



## petee (Jul 19, 2019)

https://www.orlandosentinel.com/new...0190718-py2wtkmdo5e5zohhobzco7a5ce-story.html
*Five guys arrested after fist fight at Five Guys*


----------



## Badgers (Jul 19, 2019)

petee said:


> https://www.orlandosentinel.com/new...0190718-py2wtkmdo5e5zohhobzco7a5ce-story.html
> *Five guys arrested after fist fight at Five Guys*


----------



## petee (Jul 19, 2019)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 177852



"There were no reports of milkshakes bringing any boys to the yard, but a fracas at a Florida Five Guys did bring cops to the restaurant — and five guys were arrested.

...
Police were called at about 12:30 p.m. A woman who witnessed the incident told authorities that one of the males was “talking s---” to another, a cup was thrown, and a door to the restaurant was slammed in someone’s face before an “all out brawl” broke out, according to an arrest report the department released Thursday.

Keith Morine of Palm City and Loren Perine of Stuart, both 18, were arrested and taken to the Martin County Jail. The minors were fingerprinted and booked, and later released to a parent."


----------



## Badgers (Jul 20, 2019)




----------



## Badgers (Jul 20, 2019)

Probably fake but...


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 21, 2019)

Trapped dominatrix rescued from 'massage parlour' in busy Hull street


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 22, 2019)

DIY wasp nest 'flame-thrower' sets Lincoln flat alight


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 23, 2019)

I am loving the photo on this story...
Seven bizarre and serious seagull attacks in Devon

*'Angry church seagull keeps attacking me and all I want to do is play Pokemon Go'*

* *

* *


----------



## HoratioCuthbert (Jul 23, 2019)

petee said:


> USA! USA!



Did you ever do the “Florida man” thing with your birthdate in google? Always a winner. 
Here for example is mine, in the fact the first two results are awesome:


----------



## Orang Utan (Jul 23, 2019)

Thing is it works with other states too. I think Florida is probably being unfairly maligned as being a hotbed of weird behaviour.
I just tried it with a randomly chosen UK county and got this:

Different Rutland to the one in the UK, granted, but at least it ain't Florida (it's Massachusetts in case you're interested)


----------



## Steel Icarus (Jul 24, 2019)

What to do if you are attacked by a seagull

Attendant picture makes it


----------



## petee (Jul 25, 2019)

HoratioCuthbert said:


> Did you ever do the “Florida man” thing



speaking of ...

Florida Man Wearing Crocs Attacked After Jumping Into Crocodile Exhibit At St. Augustine Alligator Farm

the story

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news...a-man-2/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.5ff00909ffb8

_Hatfield finds it hard to separate the fact from the fiction of what took place on the night of Nov. 5, 2018, for a few reasons. That night, at a Best Western not far from the Fountain of Youth theme park in St. Augustine, America’s oldest city, he was drinking Jack Daniel’s. He’s sure the whiskey led to smoking weed, but he’s not as clear on how that led to fentanyl, Ecstasy and whatever else ended up in his toxicology report. He remembers the rest of the night in “blackout splatches,” which have since mixed with the stories he’s heard about himself: how he jumped into a crocodile pool at a local zoological park after hours, got bit by an American crocodile, and barely escaped with his life — but not his Crocs shoes, which were found floating in the water the next day. Next thing he knew, he was waking up “at the hospital shackled to a bed with my foot gnawed off.”_


----------



## Voley (Jul 25, 2019)




----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 25, 2019)

Voley said:


> View attachment 178654


Extenuating circumstances


----------



## petee (Jul 26, 2019)

criminal yaks

https://www.nydailynews.com/news/na...0190725-zilvumjbnbh6tmff3izkjrdl64-story.html

_It’s unclear where the yaks came from or how they found their way to the hiking trail._


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 26, 2019)

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE!

Red sofa on Worthing Beach becomes a viral hit on social media


> *A red sofa that suddenly appeared on Worthing Beach has become a viral hit on social media.*
> 
> The bold item of furniture turned up on Saturday, July 20, having allegedly been left outside flats in Rowlands Road, Worthing, and carried onto the beach near Worthing Lido.


 


> The sofa has since been removed.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 26, 2019)

When it comes to getting reader's interest and interaction, surely this is scraping the bottom of the barrel?

Barber of the Year 2019 - Last chance to vote for your favourite



> *The top ten for the Herald and Gazette Barber of the Year competition have been revealed and voting is now open to crown a winner.*
> 
> Take a look through all the nominees below and pick up a copy of this week’s paper (July 25) or next week's (August 1) to cast your vote – the closing date for all votes is Friday, August 9.



I will not be spunking 90p on a shit rag, just so I can vote for my barber.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 26, 2019)

Grandad loses war with 'defecating pigeons' and is forced to scrap car


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 27, 2019)

Landlord's plea to police as 'smirking yob' keeps terrorising his pub


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 27, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Landlord's plea to police as 'smirking yob' keeps terrorising his pub



Liked for the headline, horrible experience for the landlord & staff.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 27, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Liked for the headline, horrible experience for the landlord & staff.


Yeah, it's a bit of an odd story. I know the pub and it's usually pretty chilled


----------



## Badgers (Jul 27, 2019)




----------



## Badgers (Jul 27, 2019)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 27, 2019)

Wishing farmerbarleymow a early recovery.


----------



## Badgers (Jul 27, 2019)




----------



## Badgers (Jul 28, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Jul 29, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Jul 29, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Jul 29, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Jul 29, 2019)




----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 29, 2019)

Distressed family sent 50 prank Just Eat takeaways every weekend


----------



## kabbes (Jul 30, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Distressed family sent 50 prank Just Eat takeaways every weekend


And now Ant Jones from Woodchurch in Liverpool is going to get 500 prank Just Eat takeaways every weekend.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 30, 2019)

kabbes said:


> And now Ant Jones from Woodchurch in Liverpool is going to get 500 prank Just Eat takeaways every weekend.


At least that might reduce how long it takes for his address to be blacklisted by every takeaway in Liverpool


----------



## Badgers (Jul 30, 2019)

You can almost hear the ocean...


----------



## JimW (Jul 30, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> At least that might reduce how long it takes for his address to be blacklisted by every takeaway in Liverpool


If one had read the article, one might have seen they've blocked the address on the system already


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 30, 2019)

JimW said:


> If one had read the article, one might have seen they've blocked the address on the system already


Just Eat have. But then you have Deliveroo, UberEats, direct orders etc. Not that I'm condoning this sort of thing 

Also this thread is about headlines, not reading articles


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 31, 2019)

This is very much > 

Bakery in East Wittering fined for selling pastry containing maggots



> After receiving the complaint, the council sent one of its Environmental Health Officers to the bakery to investigate and found a further pastry *containing live maggots*, said the spokesman.


----------



## neonwilderness (Jul 31, 2019)

Prolific shoplifter pulled out a knife while trying to steal frozen prawns


----------



## crossthebreeze (Aug 1, 2019)

*Seagulls drunk on beer and ants are falling over and vomiting*


----------



## petee (Aug 2, 2019)

crossthebreeze said:


> *Seagulls drunk on beer and ants are falling over and vomiting*



_6 days ago
Devonboy59
Interesting headline.
I can understand that seagull's get drunk on  discarded beer, but why are the ant's falling over & vomiting? I guess that they must be drinking the beer too. Although they have 6 legs to balance on, they must be really drunk!_


----------



## AverageJoe (Aug 2, 2019)

I really want to see an ant vomit


----------



## AverageJoe (Aug 2, 2019)

AverageJoe said:


> I really want to see an ant vomit



And reading back on it, the best chance I probably have is Shippou checking in with some manga stuff.

For shame


----------



## Badgers (Aug 2, 2019)




----------



## dessiato (Aug 2, 2019)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 179557


I've had similar happen, but with my finger, not my balls.


----------



## dessiato (Aug 2, 2019)

Prisoner killed for snoring in Alicante jail


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 3, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Prisoner killed for snoring in Alicante jail



Liked for the headline, not what happened.


----------



## gentlegreen (Aug 3, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> This is very much >
> 
> Bakery in East Wittering fined for selling pastry containing maggots


I want to know the details - maggots don't spontaneously emerge in the sort of product that is presumably sold within 24 hours of being made.


----------



## extra dry (Aug 3, 2019)

AverageJoe said:


> I really want to see an ant vomit



You would need a big microscrope


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 3, 2019)

Man shocked as new carpet is unrolled and cut on 'dirty pavement'


----------



## bluescreen (Aug 3, 2019)

Swearing! 
Swearing, explosions and arson - what happened when a fire gripped Cambridge


----------



## petee (Aug 5, 2019)

police round-up:

_Hot dog: At 1:27 p.m. in the 21000 block of Bothell-Everett Highway, there was a dog inside a hot car at a Fred Meyer. An officer arrived and heard the dog barking. They approached the car and found an older black lab with a gray muzzle inside a Ford Explorer, and a note taped on the driver-side window that read “don’t leave your dog in the car in hot weather. Next time I will call 911.” The outside temperature was 75 degrees but inside the car, the officer measured 98 degrees using a laser thermometer. A woman with a cane and man returned to their car. The dog was a therapy pet named Coco. The officer asked the woman if she had water for the dog. She responded that she did but that it wasn’t accessible to the dog. The officer told the woman she would be fined for having no water for Coco and for leaving her alone in the car in warm weather. That’s when the woman’s husband turned to her and said, “I told you.”_

http://www.bothell-reporter.com/news/strange-card-arrives-at-city-finance-office-has-slave-trade-sticker-and-3-police-blotter/


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 11, 2019)

Lampposts wobbling 'dangerously' in Worthing

As if that's unusual in strong winds, that's nothing compared to this...


----------



## a_chap (Aug 11, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Lampposts wobbling 'dangerously' in Worthing
> 
> As if that's unusual in strong winds, that's nothing compared to this...




That's why chimneys have these...


----------



## bluescreen (Aug 11, 2019)

Complete with sad face photo:
Mum's horror after finding naked man having poo in Lincoln alleyway


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 11, 2019)

Drunk joyrides digger down street before falling out into a bush


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 11, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Drunk joyrides digger down street before falling out into a bush



I can relate to that, although the cops appeared within minutes of the JCB being fired up, and before we made it onto a public road.


----------



## Calamity1971 (Aug 11, 2019)

Production line halted after man films himself 'urinating on peas'


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 11, 2019)

Mouldy beans from Asda wrecked my son's 21st birthday meal


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Aug 12, 2019)

(from the SE London 'News Shopper' - report on Saturday's Welling United 0 - 3 Bath City)


----------



## petee (Aug 14, 2019)

https://www.stuff.co.nz/environment/114988649/dont-lick-sexy-pavement-lichen--heres-why

_If you see someone on their hands and knees licking lichen on the footpath there's an explanation._


----------



## petee (Aug 16, 2019)

https://fox61.com/2019/08/14/berlin-police-department-release-drawings-they-hope-will-help-find-a-suspect/

_Police say these witnesses were playing in the neighborhood when the crash happened and dutifully provided police with drawings to help aid them in their suspect search._


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 16, 2019)

People in Sunderland warned to stop defecating in the street


> They later said the post was in response to a "very specific incident" in the city centre on Wednesday, August 14.


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 18, 2019)

The cake thief: Guilty Labrador tucked into lemon drizzle cake entry at country show


----------



## Wilf (Aug 19, 2019)

bluescreen said:


> Complete with sad face photo:
> Mum's horror after finding naked man having poo in Lincoln alleyway


I'm at work, but how can I not click on this...


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 19, 2019)

Huge pile of manure with signs saying 'the landlord is f---ing my wife' appears outside country pub


----------



## MrSki (Aug 20, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 20, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 20, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 20, 2019)




----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 20, 2019)

Couple have to stay up until 5am to stop slugs invading their home


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 20, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Couple have to stay up until 5am to stop slugs invading their home



I am disappointed by the lack of photo, showing them pointing at a slug.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 20, 2019)

Fish seller says police broke into van after mistaking the smell of seafood for a rotting human body | Daily Mail Online



> The fish seller said: 'They said there was a swarm of flies at the front of the van, so decided to search it. All of them said they'd assumed there was a body inside.'
> 
> She claimed the officers were laughing as they explained to her how they 'decided to break into the van when they assumed the smell was a rotting body'.


----------



## gentlegreen (Aug 21, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Couple have to stay up until 5am to stop slugs invading their home


See I'm not so unusual in having an indoor slug and snail problem [emoji14]


----------



## neonwilderness (Aug 21, 2019)

Man denied stealing workman's jacket - before walking out of his flat wearing it


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 21, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Man denied stealing workman's jacket - before walking out of his flat wearing it



Thick twat, and here's another one - Smoker landed with £870 bill after dropping cigarette end in Hove - 



> But when she was approached by litter police asking for her name and address, she “provided false or inaccurate details”. As a result of her littering, which happened on Friday 10 May, Brighton and Hove City Council took her to court on Wednesday (7 August)
> 
> Brighton magistrates heard the case in her absence and found her guilty of providing false or inaccurate details as well as littering. Russell, of Bridge Close, Lancing, was fined £220 for each offence and ordered to pay a victim surcharge of £30 and prosecution costs of £400, making £870 in total.



If she hadn't given false details, and paid the fixed penalty of £75, she would have saved herself £795.


----------



## petee (Aug 21, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Thick twat, and here's another one - Smoker landed with £870 bill after dropping cigarette end in Hove -



but if she gave false info (fake name and address i'm assuming), how did they find her?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 21, 2019)

petee said:


> but if she gave false info (fake name and address i'm assuming), how did they find her?



I guess they got her via CCTV images posted online, asking for her ID, it happens all the time.


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Aug 22, 2019)

The horror!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 29, 2019)

When it comes to a local rag cocking-up, this is a classic! 



> The Devon-based Midweek Herald has issued the apology after the front page of its Cranbrook edition erroneously reported professional rugby union side Harlequins would be holding the camp at Cranbrook Rugby Football Club.
> 
> However, no such club exists in the town and Harlequins were actually holding the event at Cranbrook RFC in Kent – 206 miles away.
> 
> ...


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 29, 2019)

'Huge drugs bust' turns out to be vegan cake mix


----------



## andysays (Aug 29, 2019)

Nine Bob Note said:


> The horror!
> 
> View attachment 181783


Well, that didn't escalate quickly...


----------



## mx wcfc (Aug 29, 2019)

Not a local paper but surely worthy of a mention on here....

I can't make the full copy from Twitter come up, but basically

"Volunteers polish giant's erection by hand.  It will take two weeks. Pictured are a group of men concentrating on the shaft and balls"

https://pbs.twimg.com/card_img/1166947984451325954/Qx4_jApk?format=jpg&name=small


----------



## hash tag (Aug 30, 2019)

Because you can have your cake and......

Gatwick Airport ‘drugs bust’ turns out to be piece of cake - Evening Express


----------



## hash tag (Aug 30, 2019)

mx wcfc said:


> I can't make the full copy from Twitter come up, but basically
> 
> "Volunteers polish giant's erection by hand.  It will take two weeks. Pictured are a group of men concentrating on the shaft and balls"
> 
> https://pbs.twimg.com/card_img/1166947984451325954/Qx4_jApk?format=jpg&name=small



Shafted?


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Aug 30, 2019)

The nipples are getting a fair bit of attention in the right hand shot.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 1, 2019)

It's all happening in Worthing...

Sex toy thief in court



> Lisa Davitt, 44, stole a “sex in the shower vibrating body brush” from Miss Cherry Bliss in Worthing.



I know the women that owns that shop.

Worthing Rugby Club faces backlash for sponsorship from Brighton strip club

Fuck knows what the guy who brings in the sponsorship was thinking, especially as they promote themselves as family friendly, and have girls & ladies teams. 

Anyway, they have dropped the sponsor, and when I next see the guy, there will be piss-taking.


----------



## Yossarian (Sep 3, 2019)




----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Sep 3, 2019)

Yossarian said:


> View attachment 183029


----------



## Favelado (Sep 3, 2019)

Dancing Chorley flasher 'balanced pie on head' before exposing himself at road junction

*Dancing Chorley flasher 'balanced pie on head' before exposing himself at road junction*


----------



## MrSki (Sep 3, 2019)

mx wcfc said:


> Not a local paper but surely worthy of a mention on here....
> 
> I can't make the full copy from Twitter come up, but basically
> 
> ...


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 5, 2019)

This is a classic example of a local rag's staged photos!   



Woman threatens to dump maggot-ridden refuse at council office after rubbish isn't collected


----------



## Badgers (Sep 5, 2019)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 7, 2019)

Armed police chase runaway tractor at 14mph in Lincolnshire



> A tractor driver has been arrested following a low-speed police chase and a road block involving armed officers.
> 
> Police tried to pull the tractor and trailer over because it had no lights on, but the driver failed to stop.
> 
> Officers then gave chase at a speed of 14mph. They eventually created a road block to bring the tractor to a halt. The driver was arrested and some police vehicles were damaged in the incident.


----------



## Steel Icarus (Sep 7, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Armed police chase runaway tractor at 14mph in Lincolnshire


#YellowbellyPride


----------



## dessiato (Sep 7, 2019)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 183330


40 minute wank!


----------



## Steel Icarus (Sep 7, 2019)

dessiato said:


> 40 minute wank!


I know. Wonder why he rushed it?


----------



## Badgers (Sep 7, 2019)

dessiato said:


> 40 minute wank!


Leisure wank rather than a utility wank I guess.


----------



## Steel Icarus (Sep 7, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Leisure wank rather than a utility wank I guess.


That and he was off his kipper on chang


----------



## petee (Sep 7, 2019)

CDC warns Americans to stop kissing, snuggling chickens


----------



## [62] (Sep 11, 2019)

Man wearing 'Israel' cap sparked bomb alert on rush hour train

Remember, if you see someone bumping  into people whilst wearing a cap with the name of a middle eastern country on it, they could be about to explode.

See it, say it, sorted.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 12, 2019)




----------



## dessiato (Sep 12, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


>


They're being a bit optimistic.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 13, 2019)

Banned from EVERY Co-Op in England - after stealing some Quality Street


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 13, 2019)

I


neonwilderness said:


> Banned from EVERY Co-Op in England - after stealing some Quality Street


I'm apparently banned from every Cineworld in the country for complaining about the amount of ice in their drinks and then saying I'd bring my own in future.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 13, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> I'm apparently banned from every Cineworld in the country for complaining about the amount of ice in their drinks and then saying I'd bring my own in future.


Your own drinks or your own ice?


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 13, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Your own drinks or your own ice?


Drinks. The ice was the problem.


----------



## danny la rouge (Sep 13, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> I
> 
> I'm apparently banned from every Cineworld in the country for complaining about the amount of ice in their drinks and then saying I'd bring my own in future.


Your issue here was not the complaint about too much ice, but telling them your solution.

When my eldest daughter was 12, she and some mates wanted to go to the local Vue to see a 15.  I said she'd have to lie about her age.  

She returned home later.

"Did you enjoy the film?"
"I didn't get in"
"Did they not believe you about your age".
"Yes, they did.  That was the problem".
"Eh? What do you mean?"
"I didn't think 15 was believable so I said 13".


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Sep 13, 2019)

I'm not saying I don't share Mr Fellowes' sense of relief, but I'm damned to see wtf he, Dame Maggie or Downton have to do with South Cumbria


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 13, 2019)

danny la rouge said:


> Your issue here was not the complaint about too much ice, but telling them your solution.
> 
> When my eldest daughter was 12, she and some mates wanted to go to the local Vue to see a 15.  I said she'd have to lie about her age.
> 
> ...





Reminds me of turning-up at a gig in Ireland...

Doorman - "Are you over 18?"
"Yes, I am 19."
"Sorry, it's over 21's only" < cunt's trick, what a tosser, and he thought he was clever.
"I think you need to get your boss down here."
"Why, who do you think you are?"
<hands over business card - station manager of the local pirate station that had been advertising the gig>
"Oh, I'll check with him."

Needless to say, we got in free, with free drinks, and indeed got locked-in for after hours drinks too.


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 13, 2019)

I just happened to be Googling David Van Day and discovered this gem of a headline:
Eighties icon David Van Day to combine 1940s Weekend appearance with north Norfolk house-hunting trip


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 13, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> I just happened to be Googling David Van Day...



Hang on, why?


----------



## danny la rouge (Sep 13, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Hang on, why?


Because it’s National David Van day.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 13, 2019)

danny la rouge said:


> Because it’s National David Van day.



Why do I not believe you?


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 13, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Hang on, why?


I was watching a brilliant doc about him being a cock when he joined Bucks Fizz and wanted to see how fucked he looks now.


----------



## Serge Forward (Sep 13, 2019)

danny la rouge said:


> Because it’s National David Van day.


Any relation to lovely Ludwig Van?


----------



## mx wcfc (Sep 13, 2019)

Joyous news here in Winch. The local Tory mp was one of the 21. If he stands as an Independent, it’ll split the Tory vote and the Libs are sure to get in. 

Oh.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 14, 2019)

Is KFC set to open more drive-thrus in Sussex?



> *KFC fans were sent into a frenzy yesterday when news circulated online that the fast food giant was planning on opening a number of drive-thrus in Sussex.*



A frenzy? 

I think not.


----------



## existentialist (Sep 15, 2019)

danny la rouge said:


> Your issue here was not the complaint about too much ice, but telling them your solution.
> 
> When my eldest daughter was 12, she and some mates wanted to go to the local Vue to see a 15.  I said she'd have to lie about her age.
> 
> ...


Heh, just like the drunk man looking for his keys under the street lamp - "Is this where you think you dropped them?" "No, but it's the only place with enough light for me to search"


----------



## machiavellian (Sep 15, 2019)

Mines normally another murder in da hood


----------



## danny la rouge (Sep 15, 2019)

existentialist said:


> Heh, just like the drunk man looking for his keys under the street lamp - "Is this where you think you dropped them?" "No, but it's the only place with enough light for me to search"


She’s in her 20s now, but she’s still the weak link in any subterfuge, like surprise parties etc.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 15, 2019)

OAP's fury at Asda charging 96p less for shrink-wrapped tins of baked beans


----------



## JimW (Sep 15, 2019)

So it's the multipacks more than the wrapping? Bloody hell grandad, though good pointing.


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 15, 2019)

JimW said:


> So it's the multipacks more than the wrapping? Bloody hell grandad, though good pointing.


He does have a point tbf, but it’s a great headline and photo


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 15, 2019)

JimW said:


> So it's the multipacks more than the wrapping? Bloody hell grandad, though good pointing.



He has a valued point, there's no need to wrap cans in bloody plastic, they could easily offer a multi-buy discount on individual cans.


----------



## Mordi (Sep 15, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> He has a valued point, there's no need to wrap cans in bloody plastic, they could easily offer a multi-buy discount on individual cans.



I feel that me agreeing with this is some sort of watershed moment. It is only a matter of time before I too am found pointing at something in newsprint.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 15, 2019)




----------



## existentialist (Sep 15, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> OAP's fury at Asda charging 96p less for shrink-wrapped tins of baked beans
> 
> View attachment 184241


It's nice when they find a hobby, or something that can give their fading lives some meaning


----------



## kabbes (Sep 16, 2019)

Calling beans “his breakfast staple” is also a great example of local rags unnecessarily using increasingly egregious alternative definitions


----------



## extra dry (Sep 17, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Is KFC set to open more drive-thrus in Sussex?
> 
> A finger licking frenzy? I feel slightly ill.
> I used to work in KFC. 2 yrs, I could fry a chip untimed to prefection, make 18 chicken thighs, 12 legs and 6 breast in 14 minutes.


----------



## extra dry (Sep 17, 2019)

kabbes said:


> Calling beans “his breakfast staple” is also a great example of local rags unnecessarily using increasingly egregious alternative definitions


I wonder what his nickname was around his work place, Mr. Bean? Or old stinky?


----------



## editor (Sep 18, 2019)

Raaaaunchy stuff. Nearly half a century ago. 







Drama outside Storyhouse as protesters oppose Rocky Horror Show


----------



## Wilf (Sep 18, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> OAP's fury at Asda charging 96p less for shrink-wrapped tins of baked beans
> 
> View attachment 184241


Please change the product slightly, so I can do a 'Leaning Tower of Peas' headline.


----------



## pogofish (Sep 20, 2019)

*North-east man in court for farting during strip search*

North-east man in court for farting during strip search - Evening Express



> he “deliberately farted in the direction of the officer three times, stating, ‘how do you like that?’”


----------



## Wilf (Sep 20, 2019)

pogofish said:


> *North-east man in court for farting during strip search*
> 
> North-east man in court for farting during strip search - Evening Express


Class War.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 20, 2019)

FARK.com: Links by Tags (Mobile) -- links tagged 'Oddball Trevor Smith'


----------



## neonwilderness (Sep 21, 2019)

Woman's shock as she finds a fish in tin of Asda baked beans


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 21, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Woman's shock as she finds a fish in tin of Asda baked beans



That's so wrong, she's holding a tin of beans, instead of pointing at one.


----------



## editor (Sep 23, 2019)

pogofish said:


> *North-east man in court for farting during strip search*
> 
> North-east man in court for farting during strip search - Evening Express


Here's the front page


----------



## hash tag (Sep 24, 2019)

so there I was looking for news about deselecting an MP....oh shit People forced to wait in rain after poo still not cleared from bus shelter


----------



## Badgers (Sep 27, 2019)




----------



## hash tag (Sep 27, 2019)

Would the man with the ten inch penis please come to security 
Stokie accused of shoplifting drops pants to prove suspicious bulge is his penis


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 27, 2019)

hash tag said:


> Would the man with the ten inch penis please come to security
> Stokie accused of shoplifting drops pants to prove suspicious bulge is his penis



Valve?


----------



## hash tag (Sep 27, 2019)

In a similar vein This man was caught 'trying to have sex with a plastic cone'


----------



## HoratioCuthbert (Sep 27, 2019)

editor said:


> Here's the front page


I like your custom title. I like your post.

/appreciation


Serge Forward said:


> Any relation to lovely Ludwig Van?


He’s Camper Van’s cousin as far I’m aware.


----------



## petee (Oct 1, 2019)

Rabbits may hold key to solving mystery of human female orgasm

ummm ...


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 1, 2019)

petee said:


> Rabbits may hold key to solving mystery of human female orgasm
> 
> ummm ...


Rampant rabbits, maybe


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 2, 2019)

WATCH: Mobility scooter pair battle it out on seafront


----------



## petee (Oct 4, 2019)

https://www.nydailynews.com/news/wo...0191004-7wyawtl4pja2dg7owt4uprjsly-story.html

"The neighbor, who isn’t identified in the report, finally decided to look inside the box once it started stinking up her house. What she found was far more shocking that a smattering of vibrators and blow-up dolls."


----------



## 1927 (Oct 5, 2019)

petee said:


> https://www.nydailynews.com/news/wo...0191004-7wyawtl4pja2dg7owt4uprjsly-story.html
> 
> "The neighbor, who isn’t identified in the report, finally decided to look inside the box once it started stinking up her house. What she found was far more shocking that a smattering of vibrators and blow-up dolls."


Website not available in Europe!!


----------



## petee (Oct 5, 2019)

1927 said:


> Website not available in Europe!!



next sentence:
"The sight of Maria’s severed and rotting head reportedly sent her into “a panic attack." "

"Maria" is Josemaria, bf of the perpetrator.


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 8, 2019)

Havant woman, 64, banned from Burger King after row with staff over 'ridiculous' ice cream portions



> Ms Simms’ run-in with the fast-food giant comes a year after she was denied compensation from Havant Borough Council over a paving slab.


----------



## rekil (Oct 8, 2019)

Meath Chronicle - When Mugabe visited Meath



> “Mugabe stopped to talk to us, and signed autographs, which my mother still has in an old photo album at home. He even wrote the date on it - 9th September 1983. But that was before his leadership took a turn for the worst.”


----------



## pogofish (Oct 9, 2019)

*Jobbie in pool closes popular Lanarkshire facility.*

Jobbie in pool closes popular Lanarkshire facility

Not local - National...!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 9, 2019)

pogofish said:


> *Jobbie in pool closes popular Lanarkshire facility.*
> 
> Jobbie in pool closes popular Lanarkshire facility
> 
> Not local - National...!



Loving the image.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Oct 10, 2019)

Terror SHELL! Stunned beachgoer finds seashell that is spitting image of Osama Bin Laden


----------



## not-bono-ever (Oct 11, 2019)

Mum angry after son missed school lunch because he took so long having a poo


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Oct 11, 2019)

*Swan causing traffic delays on A590*






A SWAN is causing traffic delays on the A590.

The bird is wandering close to the Shell garage at Ulverston. 

End of article


----------



## Badgers (Oct 12, 2019)




----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 12, 2019)

Indeliblelink said:


> Terror SHELL! Stunned beachgoer finds seashell that is spitting image of Osama Bin Laden





> Legal secretary Debra realised it bore an uncanny resemblance to the September 11 mastermind.
> 
> She remarked: “Funny that – he was buried at sea too.”


----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 12, 2019)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 186783 View attachment 186784


Their expressions though


----------



## Badgers (Oct 12, 2019)

S☼I said:


> Their expressions though


He looks less happy than he should be given his gift


----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 12, 2019)

Badgers said:


> He looks less happy than he should be given his gift


But also not without an element of pride and smugness


----------



## Badgers (Oct 12, 2019)

S☼I said:


> But also not without an element of pride and smugness


----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 12, 2019)

Lad should also consider not wearing skinny jeans tbh. Anything else looks like advertising or showing off. The bastard


----------



## Badgers (Oct 12, 2019)




----------



## Badgers (Oct 12, 2019)

Shit news if accurate 

Brewery boss shuts down brand new pub after hearing customer swearing


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 12, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Shit news if accurate
> 
> Brewery boss shuts down brand new pub after hearing customer swearing



What a fucking cunt.


----------



## 8115 (Oct 12, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Shit news if accurate
> 
> Brewery boss shuts down brand new pub after hearing customer swearing


He's well known for it.


----------



## quiet guy (Oct 12, 2019)

Yes does spot checks and closes pubs at the nearest infraction of his rules.


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 13, 2019)

How do his pubs continue to make money? Shit beer, shit atmosphere, shit everything.
Is Samuel Smith's a massive laundry in plain sight?


----------



## 8115 (Oct 13, 2019)

They're always pretty busy plus they don't sell any branded drinks, I think they make literally everything themselves.


----------



## kabbes (Oct 13, 2019)

Coincidentally, I went into one of those Samuel Smith pubs for the first to me this week.  I thought I’d walked into some kind of cult building — Samuel Smith ale, Samuel Smith lager, Samuel Smith gin, Samuel Smith whiskey, Samuel Smith vodka, Samuel Smith everything.

The ale I had was utterly shite.


----------



## Serge Forward (Oct 13, 2019)

That one on Fleet Street serves a reasonable pint.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 13, 2019)

Forget the rugby, the porridge is #cominghome


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 13, 2019)

Nine Bob Note said:


> *Swan causing traffic delays on A590*
> 
> 
> 
> ...



We have pigs! 

‘Pigs on road’ causing traffic delays on A27 in Worthing



> *Pigs on the road are causing slow traffic on the A27 in Worthing this afternoon (Saturday).*
> 
> Traffic reports say the animals have been creating disruption on the Sompting Bypass at Lyons Farm Retail Park since about 12.30pm.
> 
> There is no further information available at this time.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 13, 2019)

Ow


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 13, 2019)

Another couple of classic 'in-depth' stories...

Car on fire in residential street


> FIRE crews were called to a burning car.
> 
> Two-metre high flames leapt from the bonnet of the black estate car in Goring Road, Worthing on Sunday lunchtime.
> 
> ...



Blimey a fire engine attended and extinguished the flames! 

And, now to the brand-new multi-million pound swimming pool development...

Worthing Splashpoint closed ‘until further notice’



> *Splashpoint Leisure Centre in Worthing has been closed ‘until further notice’.*
> 
> In a statement on the South Downs Leisure Facebook page, a spokesman said: “Due to issues with our water systems, Splashpoint is currently closed until further notice.
> 
> “Sorry for any inconvenience caused.”



Did someone have a poo in the pool?


----------



## mx wcfc (Oct 13, 2019)

Not exactly a headline, but my local paper has  little snippets like this every week......


----------



## Badgers (Oct 13, 2019)




----------



## The39thStep (Oct 13, 2019)

not-bono-ever said:


> Mum angry after son missed school lunch because he took so long having a poo


check the eyebrows on her


----------



## The39thStep (Oct 13, 2019)

Steampunks barred from newly reopened Steep Hill pub


----------



## The39thStep (Oct 13, 2019)

Passenger 'sorry' after breaking wind on Derby bus


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 13, 2019)

The39thStep said:


> Passenger 'sorry' after breaking wind on Derby bus





> “I had terrible flatulence.. And afraid one slipped out very loudly. 4 people turned round in their seats to look at me. To be fair, it felt like I was on The Voice.”


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 13, 2019)

Teen exits Nando's and walks into canal that looks like grass


----------



## kabbes (Oct 14, 2019)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 186956


We’ve had that one a number of times.  I think maybe even once from you.  It’s not a real news story.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 14, 2019)

kabbes said:


> We’ve had that one a number of times.  I think maybe even once from you.  It’s not a real news story.


Will post again in a few months


----------



## seeformiles (Oct 15, 2019)

Perhaps “horror” is not a strong enough word for this outrage:

Leeds community reacts with horror after four beauty salons burgled in single night


----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 15, 2019)

seeformiles said:


> Perhaps “horror” is not a strong enough word for this outrage:
> 
> Leeds community reacts with horror after four beauty salons burgled in single night


You wouldn't want them to gloss over it now would you?


----------



## JimW (Oct 15, 2019)

S☼I said:


> You wouldn't want them to gloss over it now would you?


Yeah, however you dress it up, really doesn't look good.


----------



## dessiato (Oct 15, 2019)

The39thStep said:


> Steampunks barred from newly reopened Steep Hill pub


Sam Smiths pub.


----------



## hash tag (Oct 15, 2019)

The39thStep said:


> Steampunks barred from newly reopened Steep Hill pub



Sounds perfect for JRM


----------



## hash tag (Oct 15, 2019)

Turns out the good folks of Derby are not so bad after all


The39thStep said:


> Passenger 'sorry' after breaking wind on Derby bus


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 15, 2019)

Dog walker's outrage after walks 'ruined' by animals on the Ashdown Forest


----------



## dessiato (Oct 15, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Ow



My ex's mother had a 13lb baby. Must have hurt.


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 15, 2019)

Fuming dad barred from Cambs Wetherspoons after buying son 'alcohol-free' cider


----------



## Badgers (Oct 16, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Fuming dad barred from Cambs Wetherspoons after buying son 'alcohol-free' cider


marty21 ?


----------



## chandlerp (Oct 16, 2019)

dessiato said:


> My ex's mother had a 13lb baby. Must have hurt.



My twin nieces were 8lb 1oz each


----------



## hash tag (Oct 16, 2019)

Teenager with TWO vaginas says it took doctors eight years to spot her unusual ...


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 16, 2019)

Bus sailed past waiting group of 17 who had planned trip for two months


----------



## chandlerp (Oct 16, 2019)

Tsk, buses don't sail.


----------



## hash tag (Oct 16, 2019)

Flew?


----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 16, 2019)

Man smashes shop window with catapult and Mint Imperial


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 17, 2019)

BREAKING NEWS - HOLD THE FRONT PAGE:

Cost of new signs outside council headquarters revealed


> Cash-strapped West Sussex County Council has spent more than £600 on a couple of new signs for County Hall, Chichester.



WOW!


----------



## hash tag (Oct 17, 2019)

Wife arrested over 'nagging' husband to clean house breaks silence


----------



## extra dry (Oct 17, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Ow



Whats that in kilos?


----------



## extra dry (Oct 17, 2019)

hash tag said:


> Teenager with TWO vaginas says it took doctors eight years to spot her unusual ...


I could not get past the read more button. What a sad story.


----------



## not-bono-ever (Oct 17, 2019)

not-bono-ever said:


> Mum angry after son missed school lunch because he took so long having a poo



stop the press

Tuna sandwich row mum admits school did offer son a hot meal

jayden was offered a hot meal and a tuna sandwich. mum still furious about something.


----------



## petee (Oct 18, 2019)

Man sets pet lion on electrician who tried to collect pay, police say - CNN

"Authorities said the victim did not initially file a police report because the caretaker promised to get him treatment and pay him compensation. A month passed and the caretaker received neither, so he decided to file a police report"


----------



## Yossarian (Oct 18, 2019)

Passenger 'sorry' after breaking wind on Derby bus

"Dozens have since either ‘liked’ or shared the post, with many responding with laughter emojis."


----------



## hash tag (Oct 18, 2019)

It's amazing how the odour ff a fart hangs around for ages



The39thStep said:


> Passenger 'sorry' after breaking wind on Derby bus


----------



## The39thStep (Oct 18, 2019)

hash tag said:


> It's amazing how the odour ff a fart hangs around for ages



I can remeber at least three occassions when one of my locals in England has barred people for farting


----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 18, 2019)

Grimsby Telegraph coming up trumps again

Nuisance caller played Phil Collins music down the phone to police


----------



## kabbes (Oct 19, 2019)

S☼I said:


> Grimsby Telegraph coming up trumps again
> 
> Nuisance caller played Phil Collins music down the phone to police





> He had drunk three-quarters of a litre bottle of vodka when he was seen by police.
> 
> "Whether that was behind the phone calls, I don't know," said Mr Howarth.


----------



## Marty1 (Oct 23, 2019)

This isn’t a headline but a story about a disruption at the theatre that my mum went to and witnessed.







Followed by a Facebook comment quote from my mum  






‘causing a rumpus’


----------



## Poi E (Oct 23, 2019)

Your mother writes well.


----------



## Maggot (Oct 23, 2019)

Not local, but . . . . those crafty Chinese.


----------



## hash tag (Oct 23, 2019)

A true headline for once


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 23, 2019)

West Yorkshire school responds after drink and drug-filled music video filmed in classroom


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 23, 2019)

Orang Utan said:


> West Yorkshire school responds after drink and drug-filled music video filmed in classroom



Classroom featured from 1 minute in...


----------



## Badgers (Oct 24, 2019)

Florida man arrested for sexually assaulting stuffed ‘Olaf’ at Target


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 24, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Florida man arrested for sexually assaulting stuffed ‘Olaf’ at Target





> Cody Meader, 20, is accused of placing the popular snowman on the floor and “dry hump[ing]” it “until he ejaculated,”


----------



## Marty1 (Oct 24, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Florida man arrested for sexually assaulting stuffed ‘Olaf’ at Target







> Cops charged Meader with criminal mischief and said the stuffed animals had to be destroyed.


----------



## Mordi (Oct 24, 2019)

Marty1 said:


>



Is this like how supposedly once tigers get a taste of human flesh they'll come back for more?


----------



## MrSki (Oct 24, 2019)




----------



## quiet guy (Oct 24, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Florida man arrested for sexually assaulting stuffed ‘Olaf’ at Target





cupid_stunt said:


>


Was he singing "Let it snow, let it snow..."


----------



## a_chap (Oct 24, 2019)

MrSki said:


>



A victory for the grammar Nazis, then.


----------



## neonwilderness (Oct 25, 2019)

Man sprayed with 'water' from passing train furious as suspicions confirmed



> “This is just another example of the North-South divide getting ever-wider under the Tories.


Most of the trains passing there run to/from London


----------



## Badgers (Oct 25, 2019)

neonwilderness said:


> Man sprayed with 'water' from passing train furious as suspicions confirmed
> 
> 
> Most of the trains passing there run to/from London


----------



## petee (Oct 26, 2019)

S☼I said:


> Grimsby Telegraph coming up trumps again
> 
> Nuisance caller played Phil Collins music down the phone to police




_Anthony Holmes, 62 ..._

he and i are not too far apart in age.
i honestly don't know how to react to that.
well written article btw.


----------



## petee (Oct 29, 2019)

"Voters were supportive of the merger overall, with 86.7% voting for in Seyðisfjarðarkaupstaður, 64.7% in Borgarfjarðarhreppur, and 63.7% in Djúpavogshreppur."

Merge to Form Largest Municipality in Iceland

i wonder what they'll call it ...


----------



## existentialist (Oct 29, 2019)

The39thStep said:


> check the eyebrows on her


Not to mention the duckface. Presumably, the days of the press photographer are gone, replaced by a selfie-stick...?


----------



## existentialist (Oct 29, 2019)

extra dry said:


> Whats that in kilos?


1st = 6.3kg


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 30, 2019)

Dog Tasered by police in Worthing after biting an officer - in pictures 

There's actually no pictures of the poor dog being tasered, just of the road being blocked by...



> *At least eight police cars have descended on a residential road in Worthing after an officer was bitten by a dog.*



8 police vehicles? FFS! 

And, there's Sussex Police moaning about a lack of resources.


----------



## fishfinger (Oct 31, 2019)

Not so local. From the New York Post:

 

https://nypost.com/2019/10/30/fecal-transplant-doctors-offer-rebuttal-after-patients-death/


----------



## petee (Oct 31, 2019)

wtf

McDonald's sorry for 'Sundae Bloody Sundae' advert


----------



## Indeliblelink (Nov 5, 2019)

Ceramic dildos achieve cult following and will appear in new TV doc


----------



## danny la rouge (Nov 9, 2019)

Glasgow kebab shop snaps back with 'vile and unprofessional' response to 1 star review

“A Glasgow kebab shop owner bit back with a savage response to a customer who left a 1 star review on TripAdvisor.

Best Kebab, based in the city centre, took to the review site to respond to criticism that the shop was 'manky' and 'incredibly overpriced'.

_Reviewer Fiona Campbell was not happy with her experience at the takeaway on Dundas Street and shared feedback on the site in December last year.

She wrote: "The man who served my friends was incredibly rude, the food is incredibly over-priced, everything is charged as extra,the food is of very poor quality, the amenities are terrible and the place is manky.”

The savage reply, from the owner under the username 'BigMuhammad', read: "Your gaff is manky yet you don't see me complaining about your maw's cooking after I pump her, barred!"

_


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 11, 2019)

Why this Lib Dem candidate is no longer standing for election


----------



## 19force8 (Nov 12, 2019)

It only took four attempts to upload that image - I swear I'm getting stupider every day.

You might be livid at landlord who caged his thermostat — but not me


I think we should all go back to having names that describe who we are:


> Sophia Money-Coutts is a journalist who spent five years studying the British aristocracy while working as Features Director at Tatler. Prior to that she worked as a writer and an editor for The Evening Standard and The Daily Mail in London, and The National in Abu Dhabi


----------



## petee (Nov 13, 2019)

https://www.thedailybeast.com/unicorns-arrested-at-protest-of-white-supremacy-at-bloomington-indianas-farmers-market


----------



## bluescreen (Nov 14, 2019)

Reports of a 'wallaby on the loose' in Cambridge
Accompanied by a photograph of a wet Howgate Road with all the bins out but otherwise empty is some quality journalism: 





> <snip>
> There are reports of a wallaby on the loose in Cambridge.
> 
> The animal, *usually associated with Australia*, was allegedly spotted in the Arbury area earlier today and was said to be "hopping" towards an allotment near Howgate Road.


The live blog is worth a read too.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 14, 2019)

bluescreen said:


> The live blog is worth a read too.



The 'REPORTER FIONA LEISHMAN LIVE ON THE CAMBRIDGE WALLABY HUNT' video, saying she hasn't seen a thing, is fucking funny. 

And...



> *Cambridgeshire City Council say it could be a mistaken identity*
> Joel Carey from Cambridgeshire City Council said: ”I have spoken to a wildlife officer and we don’t have any reports of a wallaby at large in Cambridge.
> 
> “We believe it might be a case of mistaken identity for a Muntjac deer.
> ...


----------



## Badgers (Nov 15, 2019)




----------



## Badgers (Nov 15, 2019)

Indiana 'local' news 


> Back in May, three Indiana judges got into a fight. It was the crescendo of an incident brimming with colorful details: a gaggle of judges drinking the night before a judicial conference, a failed attempt to visit a strip club called the Red Garter, a brawl in the parking lot of an Indianapolis White Castle.


NPR Choice page


Lot going on there


----------



## petee (Nov 16, 2019)

Portland Mayor Clarifies: I Will Take Money From Strippers

"We are not taking donations from the corporate side of the adult entertainment industry," says campaign spokeswoman Amy Rathfelder in an email to _WW_. "We welcome contributions from ANY working person."


----------



## neonwilderness (Nov 17, 2019)




----------



## Badgers (Nov 17, 2019)

Owner comes forward after crocodile found in Liverpool


----------



## petee (Nov 17, 2019)

Badgers said:


> Owner comes forward after crocodile found in Liverpool



(my mother was a nurse in Fazakerley Hospital for a bit.)


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Nov 18, 2019)

Bin men didn’t take my recycling - because someone put a sock in the bin

He said that this week's missed pick-up was not the first time FCC had refused his refuse. Waste management workers also failed to collect rubbish from his recycling bin when a passerby had thrown in a half-eaten pizza, he said, as well as when articles of clothing – including his wife’s knickers - had accidentally slipped in.


----------



## petee (Nov 18, 2019)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 18, 2019)

New KFC set to open in Worthing town centre



> In October, the fried chicken giant confirmed it would be moving from its current home in South Street, Worthing, to Chapel Road, formerly occupied by Maplins electronics before it closed down.



Right, so it's moving to Chapel Road. 

Oh, hang on a minute...



> A spokesman for KFC has been asked when the store will be opening, and when the Chapel Road store would close.



And the local rag is asking when they are closing the new Chapel Road outlet, before it has even been opened?


----------



## hash tag (Nov 18, 2019)

It begs the question; why did KFC cross the road?


----------



## hash tag (Nov 19, 2019)

not local but that's denying it further
US congressman forced to deny farting during live interview


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Nov 20, 2019)

Barrow McDonald's customer complains after 20-minute wait


----------



## Yossarian (Nov 21, 2019)

"The platforms are too slippery!"


----------



## Badgers (Nov 21, 2019)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 22, 2019)

I put this on the Brexit party thread, but it deserves to be on this thread too...

Brexit Party unveil their 'battle wagon' in Brighton rally

Battle wagon? It's just a car.  Rally? There isn't even a dozen people there. 





> THE Brexit Party’s “battle wagon” rolled onto the seafront today.
> 
> Supporters gathered in Madeira Drive, Brighton, to a welcome a car plastered with the party’s signs.
> 
> ...


----------



## a_chap (Nov 22, 2019)

People, it's just a typo.

They unveiled their official Brexit Party *bottle* wagon


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Nov 25, 2019)

Tory Election Poster Scares Horses


----------



## gosub (Nov 26, 2019)

Man 'beaten up with a SEAGULL' in Goodbody's cafe


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 29, 2019)

HOLD THE FRONT PAGE!

It's all happening in Bognor...

Goose the heroic police mutt sniffed out bemused gas cannister crooks


----------



## Badgers (Dec 1, 2019)




----------



## neonwilderness (Dec 1, 2019)

Is this Brightonian a lookalike for Phil Mitchell?



Spoiler



No


----------



## Badgers (Dec 2, 2019)




----------



## Indeliblelink (Dec 2, 2019)

Customer shocked after being called a 'c*nt' by cafe following complaint


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 2, 2019)

Indeliblelink said:


> Customer shocked after being called a 'c*nt' by cafe following complaint





> In response, the Marwood Facebook account replied: “You sir are a miserable c**t, stick to Greggs.”



Fucking brilliant!


----------



## editor (Dec 2, 2019)

Cushion missing, police investigating


----------



## Lorca (Dec 2, 2019)

Mansfield man finds Britain's biggest crisp! It's not that impressive though, sure i've seen a bigger frazzle once.

Mansfield man thinks he could have found Britain's biggest crisp


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 2, 2019)

Classic finger pointing photo.


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 2, 2019)

editor said:


> View attachment 191686
> 
> Cushion missing, police investigating



So, finding a rich cunt's pillow, which probably blew off board, is more important than catching nonces. Of course. It's the Channel Islands.
Police warn over paedophile risk


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Dec 2, 2019)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 191635


the smell of your own farts, three stages of acceptance.


----------



## Badgers (Dec 3, 2019)




----------



## kabbes (Dec 3, 2019)

Badgers said:


>


This is about the 10th time this article has been posted.  It’s not a real story, folks.

ETA: It was a 2001 April Fools story from Weatherby News that went viral.


----------



## Chz (Dec 3, 2019)

kabbes said:


> This is about the 10th time this article has been posted.  It’s not a real story, folks.
> 
> ETA: It was a 2001 April Fools story from Weatherby News that went viral.


Are you going to ruin Christmas, too?


----------



## kabbes (Dec 3, 2019)

Chz said:


> Are you going to ruin Christmas, too?


Christmas was already ruined by my mother in 2005 and has never recovered.


----------



## Chz (Dec 3, 2019)

I understand. Somehow, I'm not quite sure how it happened, my mother ruined pancakes.


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 3, 2019)

kabbes said:


> This is about the 10th time this article has been posted.  It’s not a real story, folks.
> 
> ETA: It was a 2001 April Fools story from Weatherby News that went viral.


There's a clue in the name of the woman


----------



## mx wcfc (Dec 3, 2019)

kabbes said:


> Christmas was already ruined by my mother in 2005 and has never recovered.


My mother ruined Christmas in about 1967, when we had bags of chocolate coins on th tree but but we were not allowed to eat them so they could be used again. I had a deprived childhood. Not.


----------



## hash tag (Dec 3, 2019)

Chz said:


> I understand. Somehow, I'm not quite sure how it happened, my mother ruined pancakes.



That happened at Christmas


----------



## neonwilderness (Dec 3, 2019)

Chippy calls cops after teachers act like bouncers stopping kids buying food | Metro News


----------



## iona (Dec 5, 2019)

Watch M&S lorry spoil Sussex Christmas light switch-on



Spoiler



It drives past as someone is filming from the other side of the road. And beeps its horn.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 5, 2019)

iona said:


> Watch M&S lorry spoil Sussex Christmas light switch-on
> 
> 
> 
> ...





> Hannah Clifford, who filmed the incident, said it was 'absolutely hilarious'.
> 
> She added: "This isn’t just any Christmas Light switch on! This is an M&S Christmas Light Switch On!"


----------



## petee (Dec 6, 2019)

A banana duct-taped to a wall sold for $120,000 at Art Basel Miami


----------



## Badgers (Dec 6, 2019)




----------



## Calamity1971 (Dec 7, 2019)

Yeah,of course she did ! 
Medium claims the ghost of a young girl plaited her hair in chilling encounter


----------



## MrSki (Dec 8, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 8, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 8, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 8, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 8, 2019)




----------



## MrSki (Dec 8, 2019)




----------



## Nine Bob Note (Dec 8, 2019)

A Cumbrian police dog handler and his faithful friend have been commended by the Chief Constable


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 9, 2019)




----------



## hash tag (Dec 9, 2019)

Sorry, but it didn't exactly protect him!


----------



## Chz (Dec 9, 2019)

I know the Grauniad doesn't count as "local", but there's a lot of disappointment in this article. The byline states 


> Actor Brian Blessed dropped the f-bomb after tripping during a charity church service.


and the reality unfortunately doesn't quite measure up to that.
The strife of Brian: is it unchristian to use the f-word?


----------



## hash tag (Dec 9, 2019)

Maybe, maybe not but suspect the vicar may have had a sneaky chuckle


----------



## Chz (Dec 10, 2019)

I just pictured him sitting in a pew, staring at the stained glass and bellowing "Fuck me, I can see through time!"


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 10, 2019)

This was published 9.30 am yesterday.

Iconic Christmas red ribbon is back on Worthing town centre jewellers’ store

 



By 1.30 pm...

Worthing Christmas red ribbon ripped in high winds

 



11. 00 am today...

Worthing’s iconic Christmas red ribbon ‘talk of the town’


> Work to repair Worthing’s iconic Christmas red ribbon has been completed


 



Stay tuned for regular exciting updates over the coming days.


----------



## Badgers (Dec 10, 2019)




----------



## JimW (Dec 10, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> regular exciting updates


Ribbon developments, as the geographers say.


----------



## hash tag (Dec 10, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> By 1.30 pm...
> 
> Worthing Christmas red ribbon ripped in high winds
> 
> ...



Cue Bob Dylan


----------



## a_chap (Dec 11, 2019)

No doubt they're proud of how much they saved when they made the proof-reader redundant.


----------



## hash tag (Dec 11, 2019)

"Teens armed with mental rods" 
Quality reporting from the rag.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 11, 2019)

Brings back memories of working on local rags...

1 - The job ad for 'Shift Workers Required', the 'F' went missing, one pissed-off advertiser. 

2 - After an election, second headline on the page, 'Count at the Town Hall', and a 'O' went missing, absolute classic.


----------



## MrCurry (Dec 11, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Brings back memories of working on local rags...
> 
> 1 - The job ad for 'Shift Workers Required', the 'F' went missing, one pissed-off advertiser.
> 
> 2 - After an election, second headline on the page, 'Count at the Town Hall', and a 'O' went missing, absolute classic.



You’ve got to wonder how many of these things are truly accidental.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 11, 2019)

MrCurry said:


> You’ve got to wonder how many of these things are truly accidental.



I can't say on the second example I quoted, because I was very new to the industry, but the first example I had to investigate as a manager, and it was a genuine error. It was a small independent newspaper group, the proof-reader was on holiday, as was a couple of others in the production studio, they were under real pressure to get the paper 'off stone'.

It was the most experienced & senior typesetter that had made the mistake - just one keystroke out - she was gutted about the fall-out, I just reassured her as best as I could, then had to go & make things up with the pissed-up of advertiser, with I did with about £600 worth of free advertising (early 80's prices).

One caught just before being taken off the paste-up boards & boxed-up to be driven to the printers, was a massive front page headline on both the Taunton Star & the Bridgwater Star, about 60,000 combined distribution.

It was about an illegal rave up on the Quantock Hills, between the two towns, ironically an 'E' had gone missing from... 'These hooligans should not come up her(*e*) and cause this damage!'.

Fucking good job that didn't go to press. 

ETA rubbershoes may like that one.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 11, 2019)

Just to add, the job ad was in the Mid-Devon Star, only delivered Fri. evening/Sat. morning, and was for a hotel with a bar open to the locals, who took the piss out of him Fri. evening and all over the weekend, before he could call us & explode down the phone on Mon. morning.

I was the poor sod that took the call, having been alerted to the problem by the receptionist transferring the call to me, I put up with him shouting abuse down the phone, 'you fucking cunts, you did on purpose, you fucking bastards' sort of thing. 

I kept the phone's handset at a distance from my ear & allowed him to vent his anger, whilst struggling not to burst out laughing, which would not have gone down well.


----------



## petee (Dec 11, 2019)

https://nypost.com/2019/12/09/arizona-man-registers-swarm-of-bees-as-emotional-support-animals/

_Prescott Valley, Ariz., resident David Keller thinks the application process to register an emotional support animal is too easy — so he tried registering a swarm of bees as his service pet.

It worked._


----------



## dessiato (Dec 11, 2019)

Prison Officer Who Was Best Man At Wedding Beats Up The Bride And Drags Her Down Flight Of Stairs Found Guilty - Euro Weekly News Spain


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 11, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Prison Officer Who Was Best Man At Wedding Beats Up The Bride And Drags Her Down Flight Of Stairs Found Guilty - Euro Weekly News Spain



What a cunt.


----------



## dessiato (Dec 11, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> What a cunt.


I’m, excuse the pun, gobsmacked. Whatever would possess someone to do this?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 11, 2019)

dessiato said:


> I’m, excuse the pun, gobsmacked. Whatever would possess someone to do this?



It's strange what can come out at weddings, after the drink has been flowing.

My oldest niece kicked-off at my younger niece's wedding earlier this year, no violence, but mega-drama, made a complete twat of herself.

There's been no contact between her & the rest of the family since, we all think she needs to apologise, she clearly doesn't. *shrugs*


----------



## two sheds (Dec 11, 2019)

Mate in rough area of Wolverhampton years ago went to a wedding that got double booked with a funeral and a fight broke out


----------



## Fez909 (Dec 13, 2019)

Psychic taxi driver denies stalking after teen says he knew too much


----------



## petee (Dec 13, 2019)

Cops Bust Costumed Characters In Rock Center: 'The Minions Were Hauling Ass'

"Lower East Side resident Kat Sullivan tells Gothamist she witnessed "a group of Minions hauling ass" "


----------



## Poi E (Dec 14, 2019)

A paranormal psychic is fined after hosting online sessions while driving

He didn't see that coming.


----------



## MrSki (Dec 15, 2019)

What is it about hiding in white goods?



> *Woman, 39, wanted by police in Stoke-on-Trent found hiding inside washing machine*



From here


----------



## wiskey (Dec 16, 2019)

Not local exactly but a contender for the Darwin Awards 

BBC News - Driver 'blows up' car with 'excessive' use of air freshener
Smoking driver 'blows up' car with air freshener


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 16, 2019)

wiskey said:


> Not local exactly but a contender for the Darwin Awards
> 
> BBC News - Driver 'blows up' car with 'excessive' use of air freshener
> Smoking driver 'blows up' car with air freshener





> He used "excessive" amounts of the aerosol scent before sparking up, according to firefighters.
> 
> Gas from the spray ignited, blew out the windscreen and windows and buckled the doors but the man escaped with only minor injuries.
> 
> *It was so powerful it caused damage to windows at nearby businesses.*



Fucking hell!


----------



## dessiato (Dec 16, 2019)

Reminds me of something that almost happened to me years ago.

I had about 7,5 litres of a highly flammable solvent behind the drivers seat of my car. I threw a lit cigarette out the window. It came back in and landed among the bottles of solvent.

It's amazing how fast you can get out of a car, and empty it, when you need to.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 16, 2019)

dessiato said:


> Reminds me of something that almost happened to me years ago.
> 
> I had about 7,5 litres of a highly flammable solvent behind the drivers seat of my car. I threw a little cigarette out the window. It came back in and landed among the bottles of solvent.
> 
> It's amazing how fast you can get out of a car, and empty it, when you need to.



How the hell are you still alive?


----------



## quiet guy (Dec 16, 2019)

Channel 5 would have a field day with your near escapes/ not so near escapes. You need to get yourself an agent


----------



## two sheds (Dec 16, 2019)

or a full-time risk assessor.


----------



## petee (Dec 20, 2019)

local 

Queens man impeached  — Queens Daily Eagle

"Former Jamaica Estates resident Donald Trump was impeached Wednesday by the U.S. House of Representatives. He is the third president to be impeached in United States history — and the first from Queens."


----------



## [62] (Dec 20, 2019)

Hey, we all like cakes...

Man sadly not just eating a cream cake outside Plymouth shop


----------



## Indeliblelink (Dec 20, 2019)

"My Amazon Alexa went rogue and ordered me to stab myself in the heart"


----------



## two sheds (Dec 20, 2019)

> A terrified mum






> stab yourself in the heart for the greater good



can't argue with the logic though, clearly the direction AI is taking for the good of humanity (they give the actual recording, it's quite convincing).


----------



## kabbes (Dec 20, 2019)

Indeliblelink said:


> "My Amazon Alexa went rogue and ordered me to stab myself in the heart"


That’s a REALLY long article for a one-line news story!


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Dec 21, 2019)

Dead radioactive goats experimented on decades ago could be buried in Berkshire


----------



## petee (Dec 22, 2019)

Minneapolis MN Journal, 1906


----------



## hash tag (Dec 23, 2019)

However much it itches 
Man says bottle got stuck up his bum when he scratched an itch and 'lost it' | Metro News


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 29, 2019)

Fed-up Worthing councillors throw birthday party for nuisance pothole



> *Two fed-up Worthing councillors have thrown a birthday party for a nuisance pothole.*
> To mark the two year anniversary of the appearance of the pothole, Martin McCabe and Bob Smytherman 'celebrated' with a cake and candles by the hole on Palatine Road.







FFS, Bob, it's a side road, there's worst potholes on the A259, you tit.


----------



## two sheds (Dec 29, 2019)

And as in first comment: You're the councillor can't you sort it out?


----------



## hash tag (Dec 29, 2019)

Not much of a party, didn't anyone get invited?
"celebration" , yes, well.
seen big potholes on major trunk roads.
have they not seen fix my pothole.com


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 29, 2019)

two sheds said:


> And as in first comment: You're the councillor can't you sort it out?



Bob is our town crier, in love with himself & a complete publicity whore, hence this stunt, and the Herald laps it up. 

The other councillor is only on Worthing Borough Council, whereas it's West Sussex County Council responsible for that road, but Bob is on both councils.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 29, 2019)

hash tag said:


> Not much of a party, didn't anyone get invited?



Well I didn't. 

But, then I did call him a twat outside Tesco's last week, when he was dressed in his town crier outfit & rang his bell right in the face of some toddler & reduced the poor lad to tears.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 29, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> Bob is our town crier, in love with himself & a complete publicity whore, hence this stunt, and the Herald laps it up.



And, of course, they included the 'pointing at stuff' classic local rag photo.


----------



## SheilaNaGig (Dec 29, 2019)

What are they holding there? It looks like the amputated arm of a small tattooed child.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 29, 2019)

SheilaNaGig said:


> What are they holding there? It looks like the amputated arm of a small tattooed child.



 It's 'the cake', with 2 candles on it!


----------



## SheilaNaGig (Dec 29, 2019)

I thought they were some kind of ritualistic voodoo pin things .


If you’re going to the trouble of tattooing a child in order to amputate it’s arm for a sacrifice to the pit, voodoo pin things are going to be involved. Stands to reason, innit.


----------



## two sheds (Dec 29, 2019)

SheilaNaGig said:


> I thought they were some kind of ritualistic voodoo pin things .
> 
> 
> If you’re going to the trouble of tattooing a child in order to amputate it’s arm for a sacrifice to the pit, voodoo pin things are going to be involved. Stands to reason, innit.



But to make a _cake_ out of it. I think someone should report them


----------



## SheilaNaGig (Dec 29, 2019)

The fact that they’re blatantly exhibiting this tattooed arm cake in the pages of the local rag suggests to me that they’re operating with a fairly high degree of impunity. So I’m going to assume that they’re part of some larger force for evil.

Baby eating anarchists y’all


----------



## SheilaNaGig (Dec 29, 2019)

His syrup though...


----------



## SheilaNaGig (Dec 29, 2019)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 29, 2019)

SheilaNaGig said:


> The fact that they’re blatantly exhibiting this tattooed arm cake in the pages of the local rag suggests to me that they’re operating with a fairly high degree of impunity. So I’m going to assume that they’re part of some larger force for evil.
> 
> Baby eating anarchists y’all



Nope, they are LimpDems.

There's a reply on that twitter post that says, 'this is why I love the LibDems'.

The only logical reply would be, 'Is that because they are hopeless getting anything done when elected, and just act as clowns instead?'


----------



## SheilaNaGig (Dec 29, 2019)

It was a joke 


I said it on another thread a little while back. Because there ain’t no such thing anymore, if ever there was.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 29, 2019)

I know it was a joke, hence I 'liked' it.


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 29, 2019)

cupid_stunt said:


> And, of course, they included the 'pointing at stuff' classic local rag photo.
> 
> View attachment 194441


they have a Cox & Evans vibe about them:


----------



## Indeliblelink (Dec 30, 2019)

Antiques Roadshow expert drinks urine after mistaking it for a vintage port


----------



## mx wcfc (Dec 30, 2019)

I drank a 1963 vintage port over xmas. Not sure how anyone could muddle them up.


----------



## kabbes (Dec 31, 2019)

mx wcfc said:


> I drank a 1963 vintage port over xmas. Not sure how anyone could muddle them up.


Because it was about 150 years old, not 50 years old.  He thought it had gone to vinegar.


----------



## two sheds (Dec 31, 2019)

He wasn't far wrong.


----------



## Yossarian (Jan 2, 2020)

Shouldn't that be "Bolton man obliterates world land speed record?"


----------



## two sheds (Jan 2, 2020)

They must have asked him how fast he was doing.


----------



## petee (Jan 3, 2020)

https://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ny-carjacking-meth-goat-adult-video-store-missouri-oklahoma-20200102-d4bgr5b6tvdfvcpf4r7pfse6nm-story.html

*Oklahoma man on meth steals car from porn video store with goat and guy inside, drives through 3 states, leads cops on low-speed chase*


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jan 3, 2020)

petee said:


> https://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ny-carjacking-meth-goat-adult-video-store-missouri-oklahoma-20200102-d4bgr5b6tvdfvcpf4r7pfse6nm-story.html
> 
> *Oklahoma man on meth steals car from porn video store with goat and guy inside, drives through 3 states, leads cops on low-speed chase*



It's the goat that gets me.  You have to wonder what that was all about.  Or, maybe I shouldn't imagine that....


----------



## two sheds (Jan 3, 2020)

or what the guy and goat were doing so they didn't notice


----------



## moochedit (Jan 3, 2020)

petee said:


> https://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ny-carjacking-meth-goat-adult-video-store-missouri-oklahoma-20200102-d4bgr5b6tvdfvcpf4r7pfse6nm-story.html
> 
> *Oklahoma man on meth steals car from porn video store with goat and guy inside, drives through 3 states, leads cops on low-speed chase*



 i'm getting..



> Unfortunately, our website is currently unavailable in most European countries. We are engaged on the issue and committed to looking at options that support our full range of digital offerings to the EU market. We continue to identify technical compliance solutions that will provide all readers with our award-winning journalism.



That is one story i wanted to read! 

_shakes fist at the eu _


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Jan 3, 2020)

> That is one story i wanted to read!
> 
> _shakes fist at the eu _



Here's the same story from a different site if that helps:



			https://www.kansascity.com/news/nation-world/national/article238889478.html


----------



## moochedit (Jan 3, 2020)

Yuwipi Woman said:


> Here's the same story from a different site if that helps:
> 
> 
> 
> https://www.kansascity.com/news/nation-world/national/article238889478.html



Yep works


----------



## petee (Jan 3, 2020)

moochedit said:


> i'm getting..
> 
> 
> 
> ...



sorry, the nydn is my local tabloid, i read it every day and just slap up links.

"He had the need for speed.

An Oklahoma man on methamphetamine went on an exceptional trip Wednesday morning, Tulsa CBS affiliate KOTV reported.

First, cops say Brandon Kirby, 40, stole a pickup truck that was parked at an adult video store in Carthage, Mo., according to Tulsa FOX affiliate KOKI. The car had two passengers, one man asleep in the passenger’s seat and that man’s pet goat, chilling in the bed of the truck, but Kirby was undeterred.

The abducted man and his pet goat had been waiting in the truck while the driver went shopping inside the store, KOTV reported. When the man woke up, Kirby held him at gunpoint and pistol whipped him.

Kirby proceeded to ingest methamphetamine and drive the car from Carthage, about 150 miles south of Kansas City in Missouri’s southwest corner, through Kansas and into Oklahoma, KOKI reported. In rural Creek County, Okla., Kirby decided having company was overrated and dropped the man — and the goat — on the side of the road. This proved to be a mistake, as the man called 911.

Oklahoma police then contacted OnStar, which remotely slowed the stolen truck so it was only traveling about 15 mph, KOTV reported. But Kirby refused to give up, even after driving over a spike strip that flattened the vehicle’s tires. Eventually police ended the low-speed pursuit by forcing Kirby off the road and into a ditch in Sand Springs, Okla., just more than seven miles west of Tulsa.

Kirby was arrested after a short foot chase when cops found him attempting to hide in some tall grass like a fourth-grader playing hide-and-seek.

Kirby has a lengthy criminal history and was recently released from prison, according to KOTV. At the time of his wild ride, he was wanted on burglary charges in Osage County, just north of where the chase concluded."

the goat was just his pet so get yer minds out of the gutter. 🇺🇲


----------



## moochedit (Jan 4, 2020)

Yeah loads of usa news sites did that message when the GDPR law first came in. (Nervous lawyers unsure about the new law!) Most sites work again now but you still get the odd one that still does it.


----------



## two sheds (Jan 4, 2020)

petee said:


> the goat was just his pet so get yer minds out of the gutter. 🇺🇲



goat petting eh


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 4, 2020)

To read any US news content blocked for the EU, use a free proxy service & select a US server.

I use this one, worth bookmarking - Free-Proxy.com - Free Web Proxy | Anonymous Online Surfing


----------



## Badgers (Jan 5, 2020)

Customers 'storm out' of McDonald's after app issue halts free McMuffin deal
					

Customers at restaurants in Margate, Gravesend and Sheerness have also complained of the issue



					www.kentlive.news


----------



## Badgers (Jan 5, 2020)

> There are at least ten people fuming. And there's a queue of people still coming in and can’t get it to work.
> 
> "About five people stormed out saying they are complaining to head office.
> 
> "Not sure what they will do. I’m hungry too."


*Great* Britain


----------



## Badgers (Jan 5, 2020)

> And Andrew Rowe wrote: "I only have the egg and cheese mcmuffin. The other day they gave me a sausage and egg one. Instantly I knew it was wrong due to the weight of it. Didn't even have to open it."



We live on an island of cunts


----------



## Pickman's model (Jan 6, 2020)




----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 6, 2020)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 195126


must have had a funny tern*
*stolen from a pal on Twitter


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 7, 2020)

Dumb & Dumber (local councillors Martin McCabe and Bob Smytherman) have been out pointing at things again, whilst looking pissed off, that classic local rag genre. 












						Salvation Army accused of bullying small charities in Worthing
					

A Worthing charity fears its income could be cut by more than half after Tesco agreed an exclusive deal with the Salvation Army




					www.bmmagazine.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Jan 7, 2020)

It looks like they are tryng to show they are doing something for their money. Oh how a councillor loves a photo opportunity for some publicity.
Are they due for election any time soon?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 7, 2020)

hash tag said:


> It looks like they are tryng to show they are doing something for their money. Oh how a councillor loves a photo opportunity for some publicity.
> Are they due for election any time soon?



I have the joy of council elections every fucking year!   

A 3 seat ward for the borough council, one up for grabs per year, and on the 4th year it's the county council elections. 

Bob, is our Town Crier, and a complete publicity whore, the other one is just a hanger on, both are LibDems, who used to be the main opposition to the Tories, now in third place behind Labour, so I guess they are desperate for any media coverage.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 8, 2020)

This is why part of Worthing's Lyon's Farm Sainsbury's car park is closed off
					

A swathe of car park outside the Sainsbury's superstore in Worthing's Lyon's Farm retail park has been fenced off.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk
				




OMG, what's happened? Is it a major crime scene? Has a rape or murder happened?  

No, it's being resurfaced. 

And, this is fucking local news!


----------



## editor (Jan 8, 2020)

Oops









						Forgetful drug dealer left £62,000 worth of cocaine at JD Sports shop in Leeds when he went to buy trainers
					

A forgetful drug dealer who left £62,000 worth of cocaine in a JD Sports store when he went shopping for trainers has been sent to prison.




					www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 8, 2020)

editor said:


> Oops
> 
> 
> 
> ...



And, he left his mobile behind in the taxi.   



> Newsome was recognised from CCTV footage of him getting into the taxi.
> Police were able to trace the vehicle and the defendant's mobile phone was found inside.


----------



## two sheds (Jan 8, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> This is why part of Worthing's Lyon's Farm Sainsbury's car park is closed off
> 
> 
> A swathe of car park outside the Sainsbury's superstore in Worthing's Lyon's Farm retail park has been fenced off.
> ...



You were hoping it would go national?


----------



## Yossarian (Jan 10, 2020)

Meanwhile, in Devon...


----------



## JimW (Jan 10, 2020)

Yossarian said:


> Meanwhile, in Devon...
> 
> View attachment 195444


Cocker-knees, it's a recognised condition.


----------



## hash tag (Jan 12, 2020)

Burnt to a crisp Pringles tubes burnt to crisp in M1 lorry fire


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Jan 13, 2020)

*Man in court in Barrow accused of being a pedlar*
Latest crime news in the Westmoreland Gazette
Good old Barrow


----------



## Poi E (Jan 13, 2020)

Not a funny one but my deepest respect for the honesty of the people of Blackhall Colliery who handed into police all the cash they found. Shits on my scruples.









						Blackhall Colliery: Cash in street 'left by Good Samaritans'
					

Hundreds of pounds in banknotes have been found in Blackhall Colliery at least 12 times since 2004.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 13, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> Dumb & Dumber (local councillors Martin McCabe and Bob Smytherman) have been out pointing at things again, whilst looking pissed off, that classic local rag genre.
> 
> View attachment 195167
> 
> ...



Oh, FFS, this is now three times since Christmas.  

And, now they are roping in members of the public to point at things, unbelievable. 











						Worthing potholes a ‘fatality waiting to happen’
					

Potholes in West Worthing are a ‘fatality waiting to happen’ according to one local resident.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk
				




Not that our LibDems councillors are desperate for publicity.


----------



## a_chap (Jan 13, 2020)

Jesus wept. They called that a pothole?!?!?

🌚


----------



## two sheds (Jan 13, 2020)

People could die you heartless swine


----------



## a_chap (Jan 13, 2020)

Die? In that???

I must get around to taking photos of the potholes on the road leading to my place. Then you'll see what a proper pothole looks like...


----------



## two sheds (Jan 13, 2020)

May I refer you to the original article with people pointing for confirmation.









						Worthing potholes a ‘fatality waiting to happen’
					

Potholes in West Worthing are a ‘fatality waiting to happen’ according to one local resident.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk


----------



## Serge Forward (Jan 14, 2020)

a_chap said:


> Die? In that???
> 
> I must get around to taking photos of the potholes on the road leading to my place. Then you'll see what a proper pothole looks like...


Be sure to point at it though.


----------



## Poi E (Jan 14, 2020)

Now that Brexit's done West Worthing can get back to the serious stuff.


----------



## a_chap (Jan 14, 2020)

a_chap said:


> Die? In that???
> 
> I must get around to taking photos of the potholes on the road leading to my place. Then you'll see what a proper pothole looks like...





Serge Forward said:


> Be sure to point at it though.



I couldn't take the photo and point at the same time, so I got Lily (English Springer Spaniel) to act as a size quide.

Sorry the pic's a bit fuzzy - it was nearly dark.



Spoiler












Hard to tell as it's full of water but it's probably a good 8" deep in the middle.


----------



## two sheds (Jan 14, 2020)

Yeh you say that - more likely 6 foot people could drown in that 

A dog could certainly do itself damage. Don't you care about dogs???


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Jan 15, 2020)

Now Christmas is out of the way, those of you in the norther hemisphere should start thinking about working on those beach bodies. Obviously a nice, crisp, tan-line is essential for the holidaying Urb. WTF

*needless to say, no dermatologist recommends the use of electrical tape on the body


----------



## Calamity1971 (Jan 15, 2020)

Picture of the kid holding the record breaker had me cracking up. My inner child would have to have eaten that. 
Liverpool mum discovers 'world's largest crisp' in Asda bag


----------



## two sheds (Jan 15, 2020)

More exquisite pointing


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 16, 2020)

I present a case of under pressure journalists rushing to get reports online ASAP...


----------



## i_hate_beckham (Jan 16, 2020)

Man abandoned as baby told to stop stealing

Now changed after people commenting to:

*Man abandoned as baby told to stop stealing in order to pay for accommodation*

That's no better!


----------



## Maggot (Jan 17, 2020)

Not local, but a cracking headline.









						Iran May Have a Fleet of Communist Killer Dolphins
					

In 2000, a former Soviet dolphin trainer moved himself and his highly-trained killer dolphins to the Persian Gulf. Could they still be operating?




					www.military.com


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 17, 2020)

Meet the Devon woman whose knees look like Grant & Phil Mitchell
					

"I'm thinking about launching a YouTube channel for them, but I'm not sure about the longevity."




					www.devonlive.com


----------



## andysays (Jan 17, 2020)

i_hate_beckham said:


> Man abandoned as baby told to stop stealing
> 
> Now changed after people commenting to:
> 
> ...


I can understand why the baby was told to stop stealing, as you're never too young to learn to tell right from wrong, but what does that have to do with a man being abandoned?


----------



## petee (Jan 19, 2020)

global, not local 

_Facebook Inc (FB.O) on Saturday blamed a technical error for Chinese leader Xi Jinping’s name appearing as “Mr Shithole” in posts on its platform _









						Facebook says technical error caused vulgar translation of Chinese leader's name
					

Facebook Inc <FB.O> on Saturday blamed a technical error for Chinese leader Xi Jinping’s name appearing as “Mr Shithole” in posts on its platform when translated into English from Burmese, apologizing for any offense caused.




					www.reuters.com


----------



## editor (Jan 19, 2020)

Overwhelming evidence, tbf











						People say they can see a 'ghost' in the background of this picture
					

The photo taken in Caernarfon has been a huge source of debate - and when you see the 'sepia' version of the image, you'll understand why




					www.dailypost.co.uk


----------



## two sheds (Jan 19, 2020)

Can't be a ghost because he's not pointing


----------



## 8ball (Jan 21, 2020)

two sheds said:


> Can't be a ghost because he's not pointing



  if I look in the circle I’m pretty sure I can see part of its arm!


----------



## two sheds (Jan 21, 2020)

Yes the fingers on his right hand are actually all sort of pointing at it so perhaps it's real after all.


----------



## Dogsauce (Jan 22, 2020)

Not very local, but worthy addition:





__





						EscándaIo en Punta del Este: tiraron un cerdo desde un helicóptero a la pileta de Federico Álvarez Castillo y Lara Bernasconi | TN
					

El animal cayó en la casa del dueño de Etiqueta Negra en Uruguay. Su esposa, Lara Bernasconi, habló con TN.com.ar y explicó qué fue lo que sucedió.




					tn.com.ar
				




“Fury in Uruguay after a pig was thrown out of a helicopter into a textile magnate's swimming pool”


----------



## 8ball (Jan 22, 2020)

Dogsauce said:


> Not very local, but worthy addition:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Cocaine.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jan 22, 2020)

'I'm still alive' declares Angus man after discovering his own grave in cemetery
					

A Tayside man has told of the moment he discovered his own grave in a cemetery. Alan Hattel, from Forfar, declared: “I’m still alive”, as he stood beside




					www.thecourier.co.uk


----------



## dessiato (Jan 22, 2020)

Indeliblelink said:


> 'I'm still alive' declares Angus man after discovering his own grave in cemetery
> 
> 
> A Tayside man has told of the moment he discovered his own grave in a cemetery. Alan Hattel, from Forfar, declared: “I’m still alive”, as he stood beside
> ...


That’s a weird thing to do. But why didn’t he ring anyone in the several month no one called him?


----------



## lizzieloo (Jan 22, 2020)

Teenager attacked with computer keyboard as he got off a bus in Milton Keynes


----------



## pogofish (Jan 23, 2020)

*THE GREAT PEE-SCAPE: Prisoner who fled Aberdeen court after toilet break crashed in friend’s getaway car*










						THE GREAT PEE-SCAPE: Prisoner who fled Aberdeen court after toilet break crashed in friend's getaway car - Evening Express
					

A prisoner who fled from security staff at Aberdeen Sheriff Court during a toilet break has told a trial about his “spur-of-the-moment” bid for freedom.




					www.eveningexpress.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 23, 2020)

More photos of dumb & dumber pointing at potholes...









						Worthing councillors pose with dozens of potholes for National Pothole Day
					

Last week National Pothole Day drew attention to an issue that, for many people, is the bane of their existence.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk
				




...five fucking pages of pointing at pothole photos.


----------



## two sheds (Jan 23, 2020)

Oh come on for many people they're the bane of their existence have you no humanity?


----------



## Pickman's model (Jan 23, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> Oh, FFS, this is now three times since Christmas.
> 
> And, now they are roping in members of the public to point at things, unbelievable.
> 
> ...


i see they're not keeping a look-out for oncoming vehicles


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 23, 2020)

two sheds said:


> Oh come on for many people they're the bane of their existence have you no humanity?



The daft thing is, they are only pointing at fairly minor holes, and ignoring the fucking massive ones on the A259 in town, they are so bad that the council has put up 'uneven surface' warning signs.


----------



## petee (Jan 23, 2020)

Man registers beer as emotional support animal
					

Perhaps it’s one man’s definition of comfort food. A Brooklyn, N.Y., resident registered his beer as an emotional support animal on the USA Service Dog Registration website. Ale Street News was the first to report that Floyd Hayes was initially successful in obtaining a registration letter with...




					triblive.com
				




_“I travel from upstate to Brooklyn a lot,” Hayes told Ale Street, “and on the bus they say it’s a federal crime to smoke or have an alcoholic beverage unless by prior written contest, and I always wondered where you get that consent. Not that I’m an alcoholic.” _


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Jan 23, 2020)

Farmer says 'all hell will break loose' if he's offered milk alternative in Ulverston Costa

_Mr Dickinson said: "Our vet went into Costa in Ulverston this week and was asked if he wanted a dairy-free alternative. "I'm going to go into a few Costas next weekend and if they try offering me the same all hell will break loose."_


----------



## ice-is-forming (Jan 27, 2020)

*Woman dies during Australia Day lamington-eating competition*

I actually won this competition two years running at this same pub. My method was to dunk the lamingtons in my beer... 

*





						Woman dies during Australia Day lamington-eating competition - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)
					






					mobile.abc.net.au
				



*


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 27, 2020)

ice-is-forming said:


> *Woman dies during Australia Day lamington-eating competition*
> 
> I actually won this competition two years running at this same pub. My method was to dunk the lamingtons in my beer...
> 
> ...


had to google Lamingtons and we got the same type of cake for pudding at school dinners in the 80s


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 28, 2020)

A mystery white powder reported by council officers in 63 locations on Worthing seafront.



> Adur and Worthing Councils released a tweet on Tuesday (January 21) announcing that it had identified a number of piles of white powder.
> 
> It said foreshore inspectors removed 63 of the small piles which were found by Worthing Pier and along the promenade and dog wardens were alerted to the find.
> 
> This caused some alarm on social media as Worthing residents reported finding similar white powder.



 

What could it be?



> A running group has now confirmed the white powder was flour, which it used to mark out a trail.


----------



## two sheds (Jan 28, 2020)

That's them added to the Prevent terrorist list then.


----------



## MrSki (Jan 28, 2020)

> *Police called out over fears a 'gorilla was on the loose' in Barrow*











						Police called out over fears a 'gorilla was on the loose' in Barrow
					

CHAOS was caused in Barrow after a member of the public called the police after spotting what he thought was a gorilla was on the loose.




					www.nwemail.co.uk


----------



## kabbes (Jan 28, 2020)

MrSki said:


> Police called out over fears a 'gorilla was on the loose' in Barrow
> 
> 
> CHAOS was caused in Barrow after a member of the public called the police after spotting what he thought was a gorilla was on the loose.
> ...


Spoiler:

“The police arrived in Iron Works Road to find it was actually a man dressed as a gorilla to promote a bingo night which is due to take place next month.”


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Jan 28, 2020)

kabbes said:


> Spoiler:
> 
> “The police arrived in Iron Works Road to find it was actually a man dressed as a gorilla to promote a bingo night which is due to take place next month.”


bigger spoiler:

"The police said armed police did not attend the incident. "

Thank god this isn't from the Sunderland Echo


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 29, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> Oh, FFS, this is now three times since Christmas.
> 
> And, now they are roping in members of the public to point at things, unbelievable.
> 
> ...



I bumped into Councillor & Chief Pothole Pointer, Bob Smytherman, earlier, and said, 'Hi Bob, where are going, to point at more potholes?', and laughed, he didn't realise I was taking the piss!

He asked me if I had seen him on last Sunday's BBC Politics South show, and then started asking if I had seen various different potholes around town, I made my excuses & escaped.

I've just checked it out on the iPlayer, I assumed he had been interviewed, but no, he was the subject of the 'funny item' at the end of the show, a homemade video he had tweeted to them, of him holding a cake, pointing at a pothole, and singing happy birthday to it.


----------



## petee (Feb 1, 2020)

Woman Who Requested Meeting at CIA With 'Agent Penis' Arrested Again | News Radio 1190 KEX
					

The woman was ordered to be held by a federal judge for violating her conditions of pretrial release.




					1190kex.iheart.com


----------



## Indeliblelink (Feb 1, 2020)

*'Escaped leopard from Belfast Zoo' was really woman's leopard print dressing gown*









						'Escaped leopard from Belfast Zoo' was really woman's leopard print dressing gown
					

One Northern Ireland motorist breathed a sigh of relief this week when the leopard they thought they had driven over turned out to be a lady's leopard print dressing gown.




					www.newsletter.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Feb 4, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> I bumped into Councillor & Chief Pothole Pointer, Bob Smytherman, earlier, and said, 'Hi Bob, where are going, to point at more potholes?', and laughed, he didn't realise I was taking the piss!
> 
> He asked me if I had seen him on last Sunday's BBC Politics South show, and then started asking if I had seen various different potholes around town, I made my excuses & escaped.
> 
> I've just checked it out on the iPlayer, I assumed he had been interviewed, but no, he was the subject of the 'funny item' at the end of the show, a homemade video he had tweeted to them, of him holding a cake, pointing at a pothole, and singing happy birthday to it.



That is some exceptional pointing going on in that article - especially love the woman on the left bringing her foot into play. Really gives it some gravitas.


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Feb 5, 2020)

Couple to buy a home and new knees after hitting Lotto jackpot


----------



## CNT36 (Feb 5, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> I bumped into Councillor & Chief Pothole Pointer, Bob Smytherman, earlier, and said, 'Hi Bob, where are going, to point at more potholes?', and laughed, he didn't realise I was taking the piss!
> 
> He asked me if I had seen him on last Sunday's BBC Politics South show, and then started asking if I had seen various different potholes around town, I made my excuses & escaped.
> 
> I've just checked it out on the iPlayer, I assumed he had been interviewed, but no, he was the subject of the 'funny item' at the end of the show, a homemade video he had tweeted to them, of him holding a cake, pointing at a pothole, and singing happy birthday to it.


Reminded me of this from a few years ago for some reason.



> *Residents in Penzance, Cornwall are campaigning for an overturned car to be given World Heritage status by Unesco.*
> A Facebook page has been set up to campaign for the upside-down white Vauxhall Corsa to receive the award of recognition from the UN’s cultural organisation.
> The criteria to be included on the World Heritage List, sites must be:
> 
> ...


----------



## Serge Forward (Feb 5, 2020)

Pointing at knees?


----------



## Badgers (Feb 8, 2020)

Diners fume after being told 'free lunch' offer is printing error
					

Customers who received a brochure headed to Bickleigh Mill near Tiverton expecting to tuck into a meal on the house



					www.devonlive.com


----------



## Casual Observer (Feb 10, 2020)

Woman exposes underwear in vicious mass Leicester Square brawl after 'fat c***' insult

".....Kotlarz [a bystander] reported that he tried to break up the fight between the women however one of the females told him to “f**k off” and so he decided the film the incident instead."

National rather than local news it seems, but hilarious either way.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 10, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Woman exposes underwear in vicious mass Leicester Square brawl after 'fat c***' insult
> 
> ".....Kotlarz [a bystander] reported that he tried to break up the fight between the women however one of the females told him to “f**k off” and so he decided the film the incident instead."
> 
> National rather than local news it seems, but hilarious either way.


----------



## ska invita (Feb 11, 2020)

Penge woman served partially eaten Filet-O-Fish demands compensation
					

A furious woman who says she could have caught coronavirus when she was served a partially eaten Filet-O-Fish in a Penge McDonald's is demanding…




					www.newsshopper.co.uk
				




sadly no photo of the filet


----------



## Yossarian (Feb 11, 2020)

ska invita said:


> Penge woman served partially eaten Filet-O-Fish demands compensation
> 
> 
> A furious woman who says she could have caught coronavirus when she was served a partially eaten Filet-O-Fish in a Penge McDonald's is demanding…
> ...



Maybe they should put this cop on the case.


----------



## editor (Feb 11, 2020)

Badgers said:


> Diners fume after being told 'free lunch' offer is printing error
> 
> 
> Customers who received a brochure headed to Bickleigh Mill near Tiverton expecting to tuck into a meal on the house
> ...


But just LOOK at the accompanying graphic!



😂


----------



## T & P (Feb 11, 2020)

This made me laugh this morning: A real-life Hot Fuzz town 

*Villagers 'not reporting drug crimes' through fear of lowering house prices*










						Villagers 'not reporting drug crimes' through fear of lowering house prices
					

Police say their concerns are unfounded




					www.derbytelegraph.co.uk
				




Quote below from The Daily Telegraph:




> People living in the town, which hosts one of Britain's top arts and crafts festivals each September, said they believed homeowners had avoided reporting crimes to the police for several years. [...] Others jokingly compared the situation to Hot Fuzz, the 2007 black comedy starring Nick Pegg and Simon Frost, in which members of a Neighbourhood Watch Association kill off undesirable residents in order to win a Village of the Year competition.


----------



## editor (Feb 11, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> View attachment 198164





> [photo] Finally the fight ends but not before the woman’s underwear is once again exposed


Stay classy, Daily Mirror.


----------



## 1927 (Feb 13, 2020)

Panic as staff think they accidentally sold window dresser's coat
					

B@titude in Leatherhead urgently appealed to the unknown customer to return the item




					www.google.co.uk


----------



## danny la rouge (Feb 17, 2020)

Man walking woman in 'dog gimp suit' on leash stopped by Glasgow police
					

A man has been spotted being questioned by police after walking a woman in a "dog gimp suit" on a leash along a busy Glasgow street.




					www.glasgowtimes.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 17, 2020)

And, in the middle of the fucking morning.


----------



## andysays (Feb 17, 2020)

danny la rouge said:


> Man walking woman in 'dog gimp suit' on leash stopped by Glasgow police
> 
> 
> A man has been spotted being questioned by police after walking a woman in a "dog gimp suit" on a leash along a busy Glasgow street.
> ...


Didn't you and Mrs la rouge move to Glasgow recently, danny?


----------



## danny la rouge (Feb 17, 2020)

andysays said:


> Didn't you and Mrs la rouge move to Glasgow recently, danny?


Yes. But we’re up north. Had no idea it was all going on in the Southside.


----------



## danny la rouge (Feb 17, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> And, in the middle of the fucking morning.


What time of day would you recommend?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 17, 2020)

danny la rouge said:


> What time of day would you recommend?



After dark at least, so up there from early afternoon.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Feb 17, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> After dark at least, so up there from early afternoon.


..like the old joke about a couple who want to spice up their sex life. The chap suggests trying it doggy style. His goiod lady has two conditions...they do it in the dark....and on a street where nobody knows them.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 19, 2020)

Councillor, Town Crier & Chief Pothole Pointer, Bob Smytherman, has turned his hand to pointing at fly tipping sites, is there no limit to this man's talents? 











						Worthing councillors blame rise in fly-tipping in the town on ID checks at tip
					

Residents in Worthing are reporting an increase in fly-tipping around the town, according to several Liberal Democrat councillors.




					www.shorehamherald.co.uk


----------



## Maggot (Feb 21, 2020)

I love this poster explaining how to check if you're dreaming.









						Mysterious poster claiming people may not 'know if they are dreaming' is a hoax, says Sheffield Council
					

A mysterious poster that has cropped up around Sheffield claiming to be council advice on how to check ‘if you are dreaming right now’ is a hoax, officials have said.




					www.thestar.co.uk


----------



## Indeliblelink (Feb 24, 2020)

It's party time for our favourite councillors after one of their pot holes finally gets filled in.













						Pothole gets fixed after two year wait in West Sussex - cue street party
					

Councillors in Worthing are celebrating




					www.spiritfm.net


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 25, 2020)

Indeliblelink said:


> It's party time for our favourite councillors after one of their pot holes finally gets filled in.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Funny enough I drove over that yesterday, thinking that will please the twats, but certainly not expecting them to make even bigger twats of themselves with that staged photo op.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 25, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> Funny enough I drove over that yesterday, thinking that will please the twats, but certainly not expecting them to make even bigger twats of themselves with that staged photo op.



You drove over it?  They spend months talking to local newspapers and pointing at it and all you can do is fucking drive over it???


----------



## cybershot (Feb 25, 2020)

Give it a month and will have crumbled apart again in this weather anyway.


----------



## dessiato (Feb 25, 2020)

Couldn’t they at least clean their shoes?


----------



## Sweet FA (Feb 26, 2020)

A letter but still makes a great headline. 

*If pollution is a problem in Southampton, how come there are still birds in the sky?*









						READER LETTER: If pollution is a problem in Southampton, how come there are still birds in the sky?
					

In reply to green party member John Spottiswoode and Philip Griffiths of Romsey, (Echo Letters Feb 25) and their continued banging the same old drum…




					www.dailyecho.co.uk
				




Answer me that and stay fashionable. You can't.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 26, 2020)

So, It's OK to continue to pollute until all the birds are dead.  

Oh, hang on, we're dead too.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 4, 2020)

If he's sought by the people, of course, he's a wanted man, stupid headline!   









						Wanted Worthing man sought by police
					

Police are searching for a wanted 27-year-old Worthing man.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk


----------



## neonwilderness (Mar 6, 2020)

'There's a rat in my bathroom - what am I going to do?'
					

A YORK pensioner has been forced to move out of her rented home - after discovering a live rat in her bathroom.




					www.yorkpress.co.uk
				




The preview headline is better than the actual one on the website


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Mar 6, 2020)

Given that everyone under eighty left for a new bingo hall several months ago, it's too hideous to contemplate...


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Mar 11, 2020)

A belter...









						Businessman tries to dodge driving charge with oral sex claim
					

Maurice Sines, of Newtonside Orchard in Old Windsor, gave a "false story" after being caught driving his Rolls Royce while disqualified and fleeing from police




					www.getsurrey.co.uk
				




A businessman made up a story about telling his chauffeur not to stop driving his Rolls Royce during a police pursuit as a woman was giving him oral sex in the back of the car, a court has heard.

Maurice Sines, of Newtonside Orchard in Old Windsor, gave officers a "false story" after he was caught driving while disqualified in Virginia Water on May 24, 2018.

As he was returning home from a leisure club, Sines spotted a police vehicle outside his home; he then "swerved away and accelerated off", driving at speeds of up to 60mph, the court was told.

The 57-year-old overtook two vehicles in one manoeuvre and drove around a roundabout on the wrong side of the road, causing one vehicle to make an emergency stop to avoid a head-on collision.

Officers had to "abort the pursuit" as they could not keep up. He later abandoned the Rolls Royce and his wife picked him up in a white Land Rover.

Prosecutor Daniel Sawyer said: "When police stopped the car [the Land Rover], Mr Sines said that, yes, he had been in the Rolls Royce.


"It was being driven by his driver and he said that after estranging from his wife, he had a bird in the back having a suck and he told his driver not to stop because he did not want to be caught in that situation."

CCTV footage later revealed Sines was driving the vehicle. He appeared at Guildford Crown Court on Tuesday (March 10) charged with dangerous driving.





by the way, Maurice Sines is a very well known scumbag.


----------



## editor (Mar 17, 2020)

What a night!









						Chorley man convicted of 'flashing while balancing pie on head' will challenge his conviction
					

A man who was found guilty of flashing at a road junction after dancing around with a pie on his head is to appeal his case.




					www.lep.co.uk


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Mar 17, 2020)

editor said:


> What a night!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So he was probably drunk and being a bellend. He is probably appealing the fact the cps chose to prosecute him as a sex offender. Which is fair enough. There remains no list for bellends.


----------



## Voley (Mar 17, 2020)

Shit just got real in Mabe.


----------



## Yossarian (Mar 18, 2020)

The situation in the Northwest seems to have deteriorated rapidly...


----------



## andysays (Mar 18, 2020)

Yossarian said:


> The situation in the Northwest seems to have deteriorated rapidly...
> 
> View attachment 202154


Toilet roll shortages getting really serious now...


----------



## Chemical needs (Mar 27, 2020)

Meanwhile, in the Bristol area ...


----------



## editor (Mar 27, 2020)

Are abandoned trollies making Yate look a mess?
					

A COUNCILLOR from Yate has expressed his concern at the ongoing issue involving abandoned trollies in the Yate area.




					www.gazetteseries.co.uk


----------



## editor (Mar 27, 2020)

Acomb street crumbling again just 5 weeks after repairs
					

A FATHER-OF-TWO has hit out after discovering the road outside his home was crumbling within five weeks of workmen resurfacing it.




					www.yorkpress.co.uk


----------



## editor (Mar 27, 2020)

Woman orders felt model of her dog, gets one that looks 'like it's had a stroke'
					

'I've had to keep Missy away from it because she doesn't like it, I've had to move it high up on the shelf because she keeps trying to attack it.'




					metro.co.uk


----------



## Badgers (Mar 27, 2020)

__





						Stoned grandma caught riding mobility scooter with stun gun and knife
					

Police questioned her because she 'smelled strongly of cannabis and appeared to be intoxicated'.



					metro.co.uk


----------



## mx wcfc (Mar 27, 2020)

editor said:


> Are abandoned trollies making Yate look a mess?
> 
> 
> A COUNCILLOR from Yate has expressed his concern at the ongoing issue involving abandoned trollies in the Yate area.
> ...


Clearly, though, the shit graffiti and litter is fine.


----------



## extra dry (Mar 28, 2020)

mx wcfc said:


> Clearly, though, the shit graffiti and litter is fine.


That guys off his trolley


----------



## neonwilderness (Apr 9, 2020)

Angry dad blockades street in Pot Noodle row with Bolton binmen
					

A ROW over an empty Pot Noodle tub led to a half hour street stand-off between an angry resident and a bin lorry.




					www.theboltonnews.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 9, 2020)

neonwilderness said:


> Angry dad blockades street in Pot Noodle row with Bolton binmen
> 
> 
> A ROW over an empty Pot Noodle tub led to a half hour street stand-off between an angry resident and a bin lorry.
> ...





> “I don’t actually like them, that what’s annoying as well,” he said. "


The man is a complete twat.   



> “Mr Watts’ burgundy bin actually contained lots of items that shouldn’t have been in there — plastic pots, tubs, trays, a pane of window glass and food waste.



The man is a complete FUCKING twat.


----------



## MrSki (Apr 10, 2020)




----------



## MrSki (Apr 10, 2020)




----------



## MrSki (Apr 10, 2020)




----------



## MrSki (Apr 10, 2020)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 10, 2020)

MrSki said:


>




That's from 2017.


----------



## MrSki (Apr 10, 2020)




----------



## MrSki (Apr 10, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> That's from 2017.


The thread title doesn't mention recent.


----------



## MrSki (Apr 10, 2020)




----------



## kabbes (Apr 12, 2020)

MrSki said:


> The thread title doesn't mention recent.


It was on this thread when it happened, though.


----------



## MrSki (Apr 12, 2020)

kabbes said:


> It was on this thread when it happened, though.


Sorry but could not be arsed to go back through 155 pages.


----------



## kabbes (Apr 12, 2020)

Then GET ORF THIS THRRREAD


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Apr 13, 2020)

planetgeli country;










						Llangadog brothers donate 300 eggs per week to feed school children
					

EGGS might be in short supply in some shops, but not at one farm in Carmarthenshire.




					www.southwalesguardian.co.uk
				





To be honest this is a fairly uninspiring headline. But the article ends on a high-note, which I insist that everybody read with a Welsh, if possible South Welsh and ideally Carmarthenshire accent:



_*The Plaid Cymru councillor said donations of egg boxes would really help.*_
*
He added that his own nine hens were also full of life in the sunny weather and laying a lot of eggs.
*
_*“They’re blowing them out like nobody’s business,” he said.*_


----------



## platinumsage (Apr 14, 2020)

Some serious news going on over in Cambridge during lockdown as a man says a cat could be his cat.









						'Large wildcat with big claws' spotted in central Cambridge
					

The 'big cat' has been compared to the size of a fully grown Labrador dog




					www.cambridge-news.co.uk
				












						Cambs homeowner reveals truth about 'large wildcat' spotted on roof
					

The cat was described as the size of a Labrador




					www.cambridge-news.co.uk


----------



## MrSki (Apr 17, 2020)




----------



## seeformiles (Apr 22, 2020)

Unusual choice of weapon..






						Dangerous Canterbury thief armed with hedgetrimmer robs taxi driver
					

A thief who armed himself with a hedgetrimmer to commit robbery has been  jailed for more than six years.



					localrags.co.uk


----------



## two sheds (Apr 22, 2020)

Surely they can catch him by following the extension lead


----------



## JimW (Apr 22, 2020)

There's a joke about fencing stolen goods in here somewhere.


----------



## two sheds (Apr 22, 2020)

Hedging his bets


----------



## Sweet FA (Apr 23, 2020)

.


----------



## platinumsage (Apr 24, 2020)

platinumsage said:


> Some serious news going on over in Cambridge during lockdown as a man says a cat could be his cat.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



In a similar incident, a man saw an aeroplane:









						Mystery as 'very big' burning object spotted circling over Cambs
					

A man who spotted the object said he was watching it for between 10 and 20 minutes




					www.cambridge-news.co.uk
				












						National Space Academy explains 'burning object' spotted in Cambs sky
					

A resident reported seeing a red and orange coloured flaming object over Stretham, Ely




					www.cambridge-news.co.uk


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Apr 24, 2020)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Apr 24, 2020)

Nine Bob Note said:


> View attachment 208645


An Asda shopper, of course, would have licked them before replacing them


----------



## rekil (Apr 26, 2020)

Man jumped into canal to save pet rat
					

A drunken chef jumped into the canal to rescue his pet rat which had escaped from his pocket into the water. Gardai called to the scene by concerned passers-by found Dawid Szerner (39), with former addresses in Lurgan Park, Renmore, and the Fairgreen Hostel, back on dry land but soaking wet and...




					connachttribune.ie
				






> They arrived at the scene to find the accused out of the water.  He was intoxicated and became very abusive and aggressive towards Garda Conroy when she asked if he was okay and then asked for his details.
> 
> “He called us pigs and f**kers and everything else under the sun,”   Garda Conroy said.


RIP Pocketrat #2.

Whoever called the cops needs a good kick up the arse.


----------



## Badgers (Apr 29, 2020)




----------



## Steel Icarus (Apr 29, 2020)

__





						Instant No Button! Star Wars funnies FTW!
					

star wars, star wars lightsabers,star wars lightsaber,darth vader,star wars light saber,star wars clone wars,star war,darth vader pictures,darth vader,r2d2,yoda,vader,anakin,darth vader lightsaber,stormtrooper,darth vader lightsaber,jedi,padme,sith,darth maul,darth vader clone,unleashed darth...



					www.nooooooooooooooo.com


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 30, 2020)

No need for quotation marks around “Square Go” I notice


----------



## hash tag (May 1, 2020)

Colorado Man Arrested After Accidentally Depositing Two Bags Of Cocaine At Jefferson County Drive-Thru Bank
					

A Colorado man has been arrested after depositing two bags of cocaine along with his money at a bank.  I’m all for keeping your money safe, but attempting to store your illegal drugs in an account registered to your name certainly isn’t the smartest idea. As it turns out, however, 34-year-old...




					www.unilad.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 2, 2020)

More gripping news from the Worthing Herald.   









						Meat stolen from freezer in Worthing burglary
					

Meat has been stolen from a freezer in a Worthing burglary.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk
				






> According to Sussex, a garage was broken into between Sunday, April 19 and Monday, April 20 at a property in Poulters Lane, Worthing.
> 
> Thieves made off with a 'quantity' of frozen meat and fruit of an unknown value, police said.
> 
> ...


----------



## Yossarian (May 2, 2020)

Peel police say alleged alligator sighting in Brampton pond was a beaver
					

Social media lit up Friday night with reports from Peel Regional Police on its Twitter account of a possible alligator sighting in a Brampton storm drainage pond, but animal control authorities have...




					www.bramptonguardian.com


----------



## Orang Utan (May 3, 2020)

__





						Women's Institute members dress as pirates for meeting unaware speaker was Somali pirates hostage
					

They thought Colin Darch was going to regale them with tales of buccaneers such as Blackbeard and Captain Kidd




					www.mirror.co.uk


----------



## petee (May 7, 2020)

poor kitty









						Ohioan, 50, Arrested After Calling 911 To Report That Her Pussy Was Ablaze
					

An Ohio woman called 911 late Saturday evening to report that her “pussy was on fire” and that she needed someone from the fire department to “put it out with their hose,” according to an arrest rep




					www.thesmokinggun.com


----------



## 19force8 (May 7, 2020)

platinumsage said:


> In a similar incident, a man saw an aeroplane:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Contrails, yeah, no mention of those chemicals though


----------



## Orang Utan (May 8, 2020)

Great choice of pic:








						Brian May taken to hospital after tearing buttock muscles while gardening
					

Queen guitarist says ‘I won’t be able to walk for a while’ after injury during lockdown and lambasts Boris Johnson over coronavirus




					www.theguardian.com


----------



## 19force8 (May 9, 2020)

Silly, but the point is it's better to "rescue" logs than risk ignoring people in peril.









						Lyme Lifeboat ‘rescues’ two logs
					

Lyme Regis lifeboat answered two calls yesterday (Friday, May 8) following reports of a kayak in difficulty and an unspecified object...




					www.midweekherald.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (May 11, 2020)

A mate sent me this beauty


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 12, 2020)

With all the shit going down, here's a good news story.









						Crews rally to save dog trapped under bus in West Sussex
					

Emergency crews rallied to save a dog trapped under a bus in West Sussex.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk
				






> The poor Labrador, named Daisy, was found stuck underneath the single decker bus at East Wittering on Sunday evening (May 10).
> 
> West Sussex Fire & Rescue Service said: “Daisy the Labrador had a very lucky escape after she ran out in front of a bus, leaving her trapped and needing the emergency assistance of West Sussex firefighters."
> 
> “We were very surprised to see that she was still alive after her ordeal,” said Steve, adding: “But it meant we had to work quickly to get her out and ensure she received the medical attention that she needed."





Poor dogo was hit by the bus & end-up trapped under it, however...



> Fire crews raised the bus off the ground using high pressure air bags and were able to bring Daisy to safety. Steve said: “She had a few nasty cuts and scratches and was clearly feeling rather battered after her ordeal.
> 
> *“She had a blue light escort to the emergency vets thanks to our colleagues at Sussex Police who ensured she was well looked after.
> 
> “We later heard this morning that she is recovering well."*


----------



## chandlerp (May 14, 2020)

Orang Utan said:


> Great choice of pic:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Weeds Will, Weeds Will Wreck You


----------



## Nine Bob Note (May 17, 2020)

We're not short of trees and bushes around here FFS!


----------



## petee (May 18, 2020)




----------



## UrbaneFox (May 18, 2020)

Orang Utan said:


> Great choice of pic:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Margaret Atwood has really let herself go.


----------



## Indeliblelink (May 19, 2020)

Old so probably posted already but a search turned up nothing.








						Woman rode motorbike naked, got fingered in the street and punched a blind man
					

A judge told Natasha Claus 'your life is a mess' as he banned her from Woking town centre.




					metro.co.uk


----------



## kabbes (May 19, 2020)

It’s quite the headline but when you click through, there’s nothing funny about the story.  It’s a story about a woman who has serious problems herself and, to deal with these, is described as “taking advantage of vulnerable men”.  It made me pretty sad to read it.


----------



## maomao (May 27, 2020)

This is the Mirror so not a local but the pictures of his girlfriend holding first a ruler then a tape measure to his trousers while looking stony faced and offended to camera are brilliant.









						Pictured: The man who took out 10-inch penis in shop to prove he wasn't stealing
					

Steve Whitehurst was forced to drop his trousers to confirm his innocence after being accused of theft in Stoke-on-Trent




					www.mirror.co.uk


----------



## Badgers (May 28, 2020)




----------



## seeformiles (May 28, 2020)

That periodical is a rich seam of bizarre headlines:









						Elderly couple accidentally burns house down during sex game involving WW2 flamethrower
					

Sand Springs, Oklahoma | A couple's sexual game turned horribly wrong this morning, as they accidentally burned their house to the ground with a 75-year old flamethrower. Firefighters were called on the site around 11:15 this morning after receiving an unusual phone call but could do nothing to sav



					worldnewsdailyreport.com


----------



## Orang Utan (May 29, 2020)




----------



## Chz (May 29, 2020)

I want to say "Who the fuck puts tomatoes in a shepherd's (or cottage) pie?". But I'm afraid of getting petrol bombed, so I'll say "to each their own".


----------



## quiet guy (May 30, 2020)

Nowt so strange as Blackburn folk.


----------



## petee (May 30, 2020)

Bolivian orchestra stranded at ‘haunted’ German castle surrounded by wolves
					

The group arrived in Germany on March 10 expecting to perform at the MaerzMusik festival — the same day Germany announced its ban on large gatherings, swiftly followed by a full country lockdown.




					nypost.com
				




headline better than article


----------



## petee (May 30, 2020)

seeformiles said:


> That periodical is a rich seam of bizarre headlines:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



holy fuck you're right









						Texas man admits kidnapping 79 people to anally probe them while disguised as an alien
					

El Paso, Texas | A man who was arrested by the FBI Yesterday has confessed to kidnapping and sexually assaulting several dozen people while using costumes, drugs, and special effects to have his victims believe they had been abducted by aliens. 73-year old Arnold White was arrested after a joint in



					worldnewsdailyreport.com
				




why am i the littlest bit dubious ...


----------



## hash tag (May 30, 2020)

petee said:


> Bolivian orchestra stranded at ‘haunted’ German castle surrounded by wolves
> 
> 
> The group arrived in Germany on March 10 expecting to perform at the MaerzMusik festival — the same day Germany announced its ban on large gatherings, swiftly followed by a full country lockdown.
> ...


I heard that on the news last night; over 20 members of an orchestra who were supposed to be in Germany for 2 or 3 days have been stuck there for over a month and can't get home


----------



## hash tag (May 30, 2020)

Not sure how or why this has only just come to light. Anyone fancy being rubbed down by a broom? 









						A man hired two guys to ‘break into’ his home and play out a fantasy involving a broom. He forgot to tell them he’d moved
					

A man hired two sex workers in Australia to come into his home and stroke him with a broom, but there was one problem – he gave them the wrong address.




					www.pinknews.co.uk


----------



## platinumsage (Jun 1, 2020)

Not a headline but a printing error:


----------



## Badgers (Jun 1, 2020)




----------



## fishfinger (Jun 1, 2020)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 215689


It's an April fool from 2011


----------



## hash tag (Jun 1, 2020)

"Sharon Bromance". Really.


----------



## kabbes (Jun 1, 2020)

fishfinger said:


> It's an April fool from 2011


... as it also has been the last eleventy times it has been posted on this thread!


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jun 1, 2020)

Police can't burst into your bedroom and fine you for having sex, No10 confirms
					

The law has changed from today outlawing two people from a different household from being inside together unless it is for the person visiting -and who is spending the majority of their time in the garden - to use the toilet



					www.mirror.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Jun 3, 2020)

Nude Sunbather was Not a stiff
BBC News - Nude sunbather mistaken for dead body near railway line in Essex








						Nude sunbather mistaken for dead body near railway line in Essex
					

Rail workers spotted a pair of feet "but no signs of life" within the railway boundary in Essex.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Jun 5, 2020)

Sadly, Just ouch









						'Curious' young boy inserted 20 magnetic balls up his penis
					

The boy inserted the magnet toys up his penis, which caused painful symptoms, but he didn't tell his parents for a week because he was scared, according to a doctor




					www.mirror.co.uk


----------



## two sheds (Jun 5, 2020)

hash tag said:


> Sadly, Just ouch
> 
> 
> 
> ...



scared or scarred  ?


----------



## Steel Icarus (Jun 7, 2020)

On the plus side he could open the fridge while carrying a dinner tray


----------



## crossthebreeze (Jun 8, 2020)

Crows 'terrorise' staff at Essex Police headquarters

All Crows Are Beautiful


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 11, 2020)

A bin went AWOL from Worthing, and is now a garden feature in Germany. 









						Worthing bin thrown off pier by vandals washes up 450 miles away in Germany
					

A Worthing Borough Council litter bin, which was thrown into the sea from the end of the pier by vandals, has washed up 450 miles away at a beach side house in Germany.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk
				






> After a six month journey at sea, the bin displaying the Worthing crest ended up at the island home of Frerk Richter.
> 
> It was discovered by Herr Richter who lives on Borkum, a small island and popular tourist destination in the Leer District in north west Germany.
> 
> He contacted Worthing Borough Council to share news of the bin’s epic voyage.



Bit disappointed there's no one pointing at it, in the picture, clearly the Germans don't understand how things work over here.  





> It has now taken up permanent residency on the island, having been transformed into a plant holder in Herr Richter’s garden. He said: “I cleaned the bin with a pressure washer and it now looks great.
> 
> “I then put it in our garden, put a plant in it and my daughter finished it off by adding a birdhouse to the top.”


----------



## kabbes (Jun 12, 2020)

“Looks great”


----------



## two sheds (Jun 12, 2020)

The bird shit lets it down a bit


----------



## Serge Forward (Jun 12, 2020)

It looks rank. It's just a bin with a plant pot stuffed in it. And that post in front of it just looks like a bollard nicked from the side of the road.


----------



## two sheds (Jun 12, 2020)

Serge Forward said:


> It looks rank. It's just a bin with a plant pot stuffed in it. And that post in front of it just looks like a bollard nicked from the side of the road.


You've not mentioned the bird shit


----------



## Serge Forward (Jun 12, 2020)

That gives it rustic charm.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 13, 2020)

Member of public calls police after spotting 'cannabis' on road - it turned out to be curly kale
					

A MEMBER of the public rang police after spotting what they thought was cannabis on the road.




					www.thetelegraphandargus.co.uk
				






> A MEMBER of the public rang police after spotting what they thought was cannabis on the road.
> Officers from North Yorkshire Police's Bedale Neighbourhood Policing Team (NPT) were dispatched to a report of "possible herbal cannabis" in the middle of the A6055, near Pickhill.
> It was on Monday, June 8. They managed to find the plant matter and cleared it from the scene. An officer confirmed it was actually curly kale.


----------



## krtek a houby (Jun 13, 2020)

crossthebreeze said:


> Crows 'terrorise' staff at Essex Police headquarters
> 
> All Crows Are Beautiful



Corvid distancing


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jun 13, 2020)

KFC issue statement after drive-thru staff refuse to serve man riding a horse
					

KFC have apologised after refusing to serve a man who tried to use one of their drive-thru branches with his horse and cart.




					www.theargus.co.uk


----------



## MrSki (Jun 16, 2020)




----------



## hash tag (Jun 16, 2020)

Better out than in









						Austrian police defend decision to fine man after 'provocative' fart
					

Vienna force write on Twitter that ‘no one is reported for accidentally letting one go’




					www.theguardian.com


----------



## chalkhorse (Jun 17, 2020)

Not sure this is the right thread. 








						Cambridge man 'regularly' breaks lockdown rules for sex and says he won't stop
					

While thousands including our frontline staff have made huge sacrifices, Cambridge businessman Richard claims he has had sex with 'plenty' of women in breach of lockdown and will continue to do so




					www.cambridge-news.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 17, 2020)

^^^ What an absolute dickhead.


----------



## quiet guy (Jun 17, 2020)

Let's see if Mr Plod comes calling with a fine


----------



## Badgers (Jun 19, 2020)

Public notice board lock change row erupts
					

Volunteers have blasted a decision to change the locks on a public notice board.




					www.wigantoday.net


----------



## Yossarian (Jun 19, 2020)

"The poor dad was just standing there, looking at this awful insult."











						Angry Edinburgh local hits out after swan faces brutal insult on city litter bin
					

The disgusted passerby said: "It's terrible what the swans around here have got to put up with."




					www.dailyrecord.co.uk


----------



## Badgers (Jun 19, 2020)

Man, 75, loses temper over 'excruciatingly hot' bombay mix
					

Things got a bit heated



					www.cornwalllive.com


----------



## hash tag (Jun 19, 2020)

The spice of life, or not, if you are 75


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Jun 19, 2020)

Badgers said:


> Public notice board lock change row erupts
> 
> 
> Volunteers have blasted a decision to change the locks on a public notice board.
> ...



Sad to say that's just a couple of miles from me and we are also having Custodian of the Notice Board wars. I've never seen anybody reading them either. It's an indies v Labour spat shown in all its pettiness right there.


----------



## Roadkill (Jun 23, 2020)

The Hull Daily Mail has been banned from Hull City matches. This'll put the ranty types on local Twitter in a flat spin: they can't ever seem to decide whether they hate the Allams more for ruining City (so they say: I've always suspected the fact they're Egyptian has something to do with it) or the HDM for being 'fake news.'


----------



## petee (Jun 30, 2020)

Canadian Tire in Lindsay temporarily closed after every item scanned comes up as "Mr Potato Head"
					

KAWARTHA LAKES-Customers at the Canadian Tire Store in Lindsay left empty handed this morning.Kawartha 411 News has learned that every item scanned this morning was coming up as "Mr Potato Head" and could not be changed. No sales were being made and customers were forced to leave empty handed ac




					www.kawartha411.ca


----------



## Maggot (Jul 1, 2020)

VIOLENT MALE SCARED OUT OF THE WATER BY LARGE FISH INTO THE ARMS OF POLICE
					

A violent male who entered the water at Thorness earlier this morning (Friday) was eventually detained by Police after he was scared out of the sea by a large fish.  The Needles Coastguard Rescue Team and Cowes RNLI Lifeboat were tasked to Thorness Bay at 06:20 following a request for assistance...




					www.islandecho.co.uk
				





*A violent male who entered the water at Thorness earlier this morning (Friday) was eventually detained by Police after he was scared out of the sea by a large fish.*


----------



## DotCommunist (Jul 2, 2020)

Man orders KFC 'Big Daddy' meal - but was 'flabbergasted' at what he got
					

He was left disappointed by the portion size when he tipped the fries into the burger box lid




					www.birminghammail.co.uk


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Jul 2, 2020)

DotCommunist said:


> Man orders KFC 'Big Daddy' meal - but was 'flabbergasted' at what he got
> 
> 
> He was left disappointed by the portion size when he tipped the fries into the burger box lid
> ...


They had not planned for him.
Cos he’s not usually this outspoken.
When he’s happy he’s happy.


----------



## crossthebreeze (Jul 7, 2020)

Motherwell pub trolled online for having worst beer garden in Scotland


----------



## petee (Jul 8, 2020)

del.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Jul 8, 2020)

not a funny one...

*Warnings issued after two-year-old drowns in slurry tragedy*

When I was a kid we lived in the countryside and there was a farm safety video shown at primary school....I remember having nightmares about it....one of the horrors was drowning in slurry....this has brought it all back


----------



## Teaboy (Jul 8, 2020)

crossthebreeze said:


> Motherwell pub trolled online for having worst beer garden in Scotland



What I like about this is they're reserving judgement on the state of beer gardens in Wales, England and N. Ireland.


----------



## MrSki (Jul 9, 2020)




----------



## MrSki (Jul 9, 2020)




----------



## Badgers (Jul 9, 2020)

pseudonarcissus said:


> not a funny one...
> 
> *Warnings issued after two-year-old drowns in slurry tragedy*
> 
> When I was a kid we lived in the countryside and there was a farm safety video shown at primary school....I remember having nightmares about it....one of the horrors was drowning in slurry....this has brought it all back


Slurry was one that haunted me a bit. Mostly because my old man used to tell me the story everytime we were at a farm for supplies  

Quicksand was also a bit troubling!!


----------



## MrSki (Jul 11, 2020)




----------



## seeformiles (Jul 14, 2020)

Ilkeston taxi driver hunting for 'very ugly' passenger who caused Eastwood crash after dispute over fare
					

A taxi driver is appealing for help after claiming a passenger grabbed his steering wheel, caused the car to crash, then fled the scene in Eastwood.




					www.eastwoodadvertiser.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 15, 2020)

Oh dear, Worthing Council meeting gets pulled from YouTube for ‘violating the terms of service’.   + 



> Worthing councillors were cut off in mid-debate when YouTube pulled the live streaming of their meeting for ‘violating the terms of service’.
> 
> During a meeting of the full council on Tuesday evening (July 14), members were in the middle of a discussion about racism when the feed was cut.
> 
> The debate centred around a motion on notice from Paul High (Con, Heene) calling on the council to reaffirm its commitment to condemning racism.





> Despite the timing, it is not yet known if this discussion was the reason YouTube stopped the recording from being broadcast.
> 
> A council spokesman said: “We are aware that there was an issue with YouTube during the Worthing Borough Council meeting last night.
> 
> “We are currently investigating the cause and aim to have the recording back online as soon as possible.”











						YouTube pulls plug on Worthing council meeting
					

Worthing councillors were cut off in mid-debate when YouTube pulled the live streaming of their meeting for ‘violating the terms of service’.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk


----------



## Artaxerxes (Jul 16, 2020)

Mysterious face appears on mum's bum during day out at the beach in Cornwall


----------



## two sheds (Jul 16, 2020)

Artaxerxes said:


> Mysterious face appears on mum's bum during day out at the beach in Cornwall



Page not available - and is that burn or bum?


----------



## Artaxerxes (Jul 16, 2020)

two sheds said:


> Page not available - and is that burn or bum?



Should work now.

BEHOLD.


----------



## Mab (Jul 17, 2020)

MrSki said:


>


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 17, 2020)




----------



## kabbes (Jul 17, 2020)

“His wife calls it Dignitas”


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 17, 2020)

They’re coming thick and fast today:









						Drunk Leeds dad causes 'mayhem' on Jet2 flight then wets himself
					

David Bronson caused 'mayhem' on a flight home from family holiday in Malaga




					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## Mab (Jul 18, 2020)

petee said:


> Canadian Tire in Lindsay temporarily closed after every item scanned comes up as "Mr Potato Head"
> 
> 
> KAWARTHA LAKES-Customers at the Canadian Tire Store in Lindsay left empty handed this morning.Kawartha 411 News has learned that every item scanned this morning was coming up as "Mr Potato Head" and could not be changed. No sales were being made and customers were forced to leave empty handed ac
> ...


Yeah Crappy Tire’s night crew oooo the lake districts.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 20, 2020)

Fisherman fined £5,000 after he is caught breaching whelk laws twice in two days
					

A FISHERMAN was slapped with a £5,000 fine for breaching the law on whelk fishing.




					www.theargus.co.uk
				




In the comment section...



> 1. Very shellfish behaviour
> 2. I bet he clammed up when he got caught
> 3. I bet he watches internet prawn
> 4. Need some mussel for that job
> ...


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 22, 2020)

Courtesy of Popbitch:









						Man finds emoji in a jar of Marmite
					

"I thought I was going crazy but when I asked my wife and kids to come and have a look they saw it too."




					www.gloucestershirelive.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 22, 2020)

seeformiles said:


> Courtesy of Popbitch:
> 
> 
> 
> ...






> “I thought I was going crazy..."



You are, and so is the rag for publishing the story, especially with the disappointingly cropped photo of you pointing at it, they haven't a fucking clue how pointing photos should be used as a major feature of such a nonsense article.


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 22, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> You are, and so is the rag for publishing the story, especially with the disappointingly cropped photo of you pointing at it, they haven't a fucking clue how pointing photos should be used as a major feature of such a nonsense article.
> 
> View attachment 223238



It’s a really shit smiling emoji as well - and he looks quite demented.


----------



## Calamity1971 (Jul 26, 2020)

Baboons armed with ‘knives and chainsaw’ spotted in safari park


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 26, 2020)

Look at this wild cat spotted in Sussex a couple of days ago...





> Police responding to reports of a ‘large apex predator’ in a Sussex village were surprised to find the beast wasn’t quite what they were expecting.



Yes, once again, it turned out to be a stuffed toy.    / 









						‘Large predator’ in Sussex village turns out to be stuffed toy
					

Police responding to reports of a ‘large apex predator’ in a Sussex village were surprised to find the beast wasn’t quite what they were expecting.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 26, 2020)




----------



## Calamity1971 (Jul 26, 2020)

seeformiles said:


> View attachment 223818


Ahem ^^


Calamity1971 said:


> Baboons armed with ‘knives and chainsaw’ spotted in safari park


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 26, 2020)

Calamity1971 said:


> Ahem ^^



great minds 😃 (early morning posting )


----------



## Steel Icarus (Jul 26, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> You are, and so is the rag for publishing the story, especially with the disappointingly cropped photo of you pointing at it, they haven't a fucking clue how pointing photos should be used as a major feature of such a nonsense article.
> 
> View attachment 223238


Man looks like an emoji


----------



## Fez909 (Jul 27, 2020)

Holidaymaker 'starving' after being served meagre £10 breakfast
					

Jennifer Carr ordered a full English vegan breakfast at Center Parcs in Sherwood Forest - but was let down by what she got




					www.grimsbytelegraph.co.uk


----------



## Steel Icarus (Jul 27, 2020)

Why have the Grimsby Telegraph run a story from the Sun about a vegan from Stirling?


----------



## existentialist (Jul 27, 2020)

Fez909 said:


> Holidaymaker 'starving' after being served meagre £10 breakfast
> 
> 
> Jennifer Carr ordered a full English vegan breakfast at Center Parcs in Sherwood Forest - but was let down by what she got
> ...


I went to a pub for Sunday lunch (Boar's Head in Templeton, Pembrokeshire - it's changed hands a couple of times since, but I've never been back). I asked about whether they had a vegetarian option, and they said "yes". If they had said "no", I'd have gone somewhere else. So...our lunches arrived. Hers was roast potatoes, parsnips, beef, all the trimmings, and covered in gravy. Mine was roast potatoes, parsnips, all the trimmings...and covered in gravy. The same gravy - a meat-based one. All for the same price as the non-"vegetarian" one. Cunts.

Frankly, the place was lucky I didn't firebomb it, and settled merely for refusing to pay - and then walking out when the barman started making threats.

In that woman's shoes, I'd be hiring a JCB and levelling the fucking dump. And I'm not even a vegan.


----------



## existentialist (Jul 27, 2020)

S☼I said:


> Why have the Grimsby Telegraph run a story from the Sun about a vegan from Stirling?


Slow news day?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 27, 2020)

S☼I said:


> Why have the Grimsby Telegraph run a story from the Sun about a vegan from Stirling?



With so many reporters on furlough, due to the massive turn down in both advertising revenue and copy sales, the big regional newspapers groups are just running generic national stories across their various websites.

I keep hitting links to the Worthing Herald, only to find the article has no connection to Worthing at all.


----------



## Fez909 (Jul 27, 2020)

S☼I said:


> Why have the Grimsby Telegraph run a story from the Sun about a vegan from Stirling?


...on holiday in Nottinghamshire


----------



## Maggot (Jul 30, 2020)

Not local, but . . .


----------



## petee (Jul 31, 2020)

RI Issues Tax Refunds Signed by ‘Walt Disney,' ‘Mickey Mouse'
					

Rhode Island mistakenly sent more than 175 tax refund checks signed by Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse




					www.nbcnewyork.com
				




"The Rhode Island Division of Taxation uses the signatures on test files, which were mistakenly printed on the real checks"


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 31, 2020)

ETA - This was featured on the trade website, 'Hold The Front Page', earlier today, taking the piss out of Hampshire Live.

Just went to find the links, and it's disappeared off both the HTFP & HL websites, glad I had taken a screen shot.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 31, 2020)

Fowl play suspected









						Bradford man pleads guilty to having sex with chickens
					

Rehan Baig entered guilty pleas to a total of 11 charges including three of performing an act of penetration on chickens




					www.examinerlive.co.uk
				



.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jul 31, 2020)

EGGS-RATED FILTH


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jul 31, 2020)

Fowl Play


----------



## two sheds (Jul 31, 2020)

EGGS-RATED FILTH


----------



## JimW (Jul 31, 2020)

He's normally a pheasant plucker, or was that his mate?


----------



## UrbaneFox (Jul 31, 2020)

I wonder what friends and family and neighbours say when someone has been done for poultry rape, apart from 'hearing that knocked the stuffing out of me', or some other sage comment.


----------



## Lord Camomile (Aug 1, 2020)

The headline isn't bad, actually, but it's the pictures that make it.

*Councillor 'gobsmacked' after lamppost put in tree in Watford*


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 1, 2020)

The full size photo on the local rag's website is classic.





> Instead of putting the new post in where the old one was, the workers put it further away from the road and in a tree, which would have blocked most of the light.
> 
> Cllr Williams said: "Whilst of course it was disappointing that this lamp column was knocked down, I am totally amazed about how the replacement lamppost has been handled.
> 
> "I was gobsmacked that they put up the replacement post up a tree where minimal light would be achieved.













						A new lamppost was put up in a tree and a councillor can't quite believe it
					

A councillor says he was "gobsmacked" when he saw that workers had put up a new lamppost in a tree.




					www.watfordobserver.co.uk


----------



## Badgers (Aug 4, 2020)

__





						Woman catches Amazon driver mid-squat pooing in her garden
					

A delivery no one would want to receive.



					metro.co.uk


----------



## andysays (Aug 4, 2020)

Badgers said:


> __
> 
> 
> 
> ...


An Amazon driver, you say. It couldn't be anyone we know...

...could it??


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 4, 2020)

Saw this while reading above link








						Four-month-old baby knocked out in pub fight
					

The child was rushed to hospital and received treatment for a minor head injury.




					metro.co.uk
				



Someone must of spilt his milk.


----------



## andysays (Aug 4, 2020)

Indeliblelink said:


> Saw this while reading above link
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## JimW (Aug 4, 2020)

andysays said:


> An Amazon driver, you say. It couldn't be anyone we know...
> 
> ...could it??


He prefers shitting in threads.


----------



## andysays (Aug 4, 2020)

JimW said:


> He prefers shitting in threads.


I'm disappointed it took nearly two and a half hours for someone to deliver the punchline after I set it up for you.


----------



## JimW (Aug 4, 2020)

andysays said:


> I'm disappointed it took nearly two and a half hours for someone to deliver the punchline after I set it up for you.


I had other tap-ins to take, goal-hanging ain't easy


----------



## seeformiles (Aug 5, 2020)

petee said:


> RI Issues Tax Refunds Signed by ‘Walt Disney,' ‘Mickey Mouse'
> 
> 
> Rhode Island mistakenly sent more than 175 tax refund checks signed by Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse
> ...



A bank I worked for many years ago launched a premium account for those with over 100k in savings. 10,000 letters were accidentally sent to those qualifying - opening with “Dear Mr Rich Bastard” 🙂


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 6, 2020)

Former Mayor Killed in Guacamole Maker Explosion
					

A food processor being tested to make guacamole exploded on Wednesday morning in New York -- killing a former mayor and injuring two others, officials said.




					toofab.com


----------



## Little Piranha (Aug 7, 2020)

Badgers said:


> __
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My partner used to be a gardener and let slip to me that he would sometimes dig a hole and shit in people's gardens when he wasn't able to get in to use the loo.

I was absolutely shocked and told my mum, who was also a gardener at the time, thinking she'd be shocked.

Turns out they're all at it.


----------



## two sheds (Aug 7, 2020)

They should carry dog poo bags and take it with them.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Aug 7, 2020)

two sheds said:


> EGGS-RATED FILTH


#farce


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Aug 7, 2020)

Probably get a better result persuading BA to put him in charge of cutting jobs...


----------



## dessiato (Aug 8, 2020)

Canadian brewery apologizes after using the Maori word for 'pubic hair'
					

A beer brand in Canada and a leather shop in New Zealand have apologized after they came under fire for unwittingly taking their name from the Maori word for pubic hair.



					www.ctvnews.ca


----------



## Mogden (Aug 8, 2020)

Man accidentally shot himself in the testicle and dies from infection
					

He was reluctant to tell doctors the full details of his injury, an inquest has heard




					www.derbytelegraph.co.uk


----------



## Badgers (Aug 22, 2020)

Tesco blackmailer revealed as ex-Grimsby Tory chairman and councillor
					

The man behind the plot to blackmail Tesco for £1.4m by contaminating jars of baby food was a Ukip MP candidate and a Grimsby Conservative chairman




					www.grimsbytelegraph.co.uk


----------



## petee (Aug 25, 2020)

Vacaville man fends off wildfire with Bud Light
					

As the LNU Lightning Complex Fires raged around him, Little was able to keep the flames at bay by spraying cans of Bud Light, defending his house in the process.




					www.mercurynews.com
				




_Little then grabbed the largest source of liquid he could find: a 30-pack of Bud Light.

“That was the only thing I had that I had a lot of, and it was wet,” he said._


----------



## dessiato (Aug 25, 2020)

petee said:


> Vacaville man fends off wildfire with Bud Light
> 
> 
> As the LNU Lightning Complex Fires raged around him, Little was able to keep the flames at bay by spraying cans of Bud Light, defending his house in the process.
> ...


At last someone finds a good use for Bud Light.


----------



## Cerv (Aug 28, 2020)

http://camdennewjournal.com/article/rubbish-piles-up-after-bins-in-gospel-oak-are-removed
		


another local resident points at thing for camera


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 1, 2020)

No pointing in this one, just ribbon cutting, for a new fucking noticeboard.   











						New noticeboard for Findon Valley unveiled
					

Findon Valley has a new community noticeboard, so residents can keep up to date with things going on in the area.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk


----------



## Steel Icarus (Sep 1, 2020)

As opposed to those community noticeboards that display no information


----------



## two sheds (Sep 1, 2020)

those ones don't get ribbon cutting ceremonies


----------



## petee (Sep 3, 2020)

Nebraska man's rant to rename 'boneless chicken wings' goes viral
					

Chemical engineer Ander Christensen, from Lincoln, passionately told a local council meeting to 'remove the name boneless wings from our menus and from our hearts'. He is the son of a council member.




					www.dailymail.co.uk
				





_Chemical engineer Ander Christensen, from Lincoln, passionately told a local council meeting to 'remove the name boneless wings from our menus and from our hearts' because 'we need to raise our children better'.

He proposed alternative terms that he felt better represented what the snack actually is - such as 'wet tenders', 'buffalo-style chicken tenders' and even 'saucy nugs'._

Yuwipi Woman


----------



## existentialist (Sep 3, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> No pointing in this one, just ribbon cutting, for a new fucking noticeboard.
> 
> View attachment 228741
> 
> ...


Someone's rocking the Edible Woollen Mills look there. Superannuated stylishness...


----------



## Yuwipi Woman (Sep 3, 2020)

petee said:


> Nebraska man's rant to rename 'boneless chicken wings' goes viral
> 
> 
> Chemical engineer Ander Christensen, from Lincoln, passionately told a local council meeting to 'remove the name boneless wings from our menus and from our hearts'. He is the son of a council member.
> ...



Yes, I saw that on the news last night.  His father is a city counselman who's just as nuts, but on the other side of the spectrum.  

As a side note, the chicken mcnugget was developed at the University of Nebraska Ag school.  My apologies.


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 3, 2020)

That’s like a storyline from Parks & Recreation


----------



## MrSki (Sep 4, 2020)




----------



## dessiato (Sep 7, 2020)

BBC News - Man blows up part of house while chasing fly








						Man blows up part of house while chasing fly
					

An electric racket and a gas leak have proved disastrous for one man in France, local media report.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## Artaxerxes (Sep 7, 2020)

dessiato said:


> BBC News - Man blows up part of house while chasing fly
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This is literally a cartoon short.


----------



## MrSki (Sep 7, 2020)

Sorry not local.


----------



## existentialist (Sep 8, 2020)

Court appearance for man who hit four cars in Steynton and drove off
					

A MAN will appear in court in December, charged with driving whilst over the limit and failing to stop after an accident.




					www.westerntelegraph.co.uk
				




Cited only because the driver appeared to have a grudge against vehicles involved in the supply of office consumables...


> Police were called to Conway Drive in Steynton on Sunday morning (Sept 6) after the driver collided with four stationery vehicles before driving off.
> 
> A spokesperson for Dyfed-Powys Police said: "Police were called at 7.15am on Sunday, September 6, 2020 to a report of a road traffic collision on Conway Drive, Steynton, Milford Haven.
> “A grey Audi collided with four stationery vehicles and left the scene."


----------



## existentialist (Sep 8, 2020)

MrSki said:


> Sorry not local.


Looks like she at least got a decent bunch of flowers out of it


----------



## petee (Sep 10, 2020)

"I Noticed An Odd Lump": Brooklyn Man Finds Escaped Prisoner Hiding Behind His Loom
					

"I grabbed my flash light and moved the sheet and there's this face looking back at me."



					gothamist.com
				




"Terry Pierson was sitting in his Sunset Park home watching TV and drinking scotch on Wednesday night when he noticed an "odd lump" beneath his loom. "So I grabbed my flashlight and moved the sheet and there's this face looking back at me," recalled the 62-year-old, who weaves in his spare time."

w/ video


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 11, 2020)

Lockdown is over, so our famous local pointing councillors prats are back! 



The daft thing is, you can see loads of re-patched road, where all of the potholes had been repaired, so the council is on the case, but a new small one has appeared, giving them the chance to complain again of a new photo opportunity.  

In addition that whole road is due to be re-surfaced soon, so this is basically 'pointless pointing'. 









						Worthing councillors reignite their war on potholes: ‘We’re declaring war on dodgy roads’
					

Two Worthing councillors have reignited their long-running war on the town’s crumbling roads.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk


----------



## izz (Sep 12, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> Lockdown is over, so our famous local pointing councillors prats are back!
> 
> View attachment 229908
> 
> ...


Knobbers. Some people only exist to give the rest of us something to laugh at. 😊


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 12, 2020)

izz said:


> Knobbers. Some people LibDems only exist to give the rest of us something to laugh at. 😊



Corrected.


----------



## Ponyutd (Sep 13, 2020)

Police: 'Why are you holding an iron out the car window?' Passenger: 'To cool it down obviously'
					

POLICE stopped a car after spotting an iron being held out the window-only to be told it was to cool it down.




					www.dorsetecho.co.uk
				




https://www.dorsetecho.co.uk/resour...g?display=1&htype=208&type=responsive-gallery


POLICE stopped a car after spotting an iron being held out the window-only to be told it was to cool it down.

The car was stopped by Dorset Police's No Excuse Team.

A spokesman said: "The mobile ironing service - you stand outside and they drive past and iron anything for you ...
"On first view we thought these were legs hanging out the window, when we stopped to ask why they were hanging an iron out the window - they were cooling it down.
"We offered words of advice suggesting to keep the iron in the car or wait until it’s cooled down before driving."


----------



## chandlerp (Sep 14, 2020)

It can take an Iron Age(s) to cool down.


----------



## existentialist (Sep 17, 2020)

chandlerp said:


> It can take an Iron Age(s) to cool down.


Here's your coat.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Sep 18, 2020)

I know it’s not local, but this “illegal immigrant” headline in the Daily Mail slightly restored my faith in the good nature(ist) of the British People


----------



## two sheds (Sep 18, 2020)

Great introduction to the British way of life


----------



## seeformiles (Sep 22, 2020)

From Popbitch:









						Men find very long fork on Bristol street
					

“I think it’s the type of story people need to hear”




					www.bristolpost.co.uk


----------



## kabbes (Sep 22, 2020)

seeformiles said:


> From Popbitch:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That’s a really, really long article.  I’ve seen shorter news articles about major world events.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 22, 2020)

seeformiles said:


> From Popbitch:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It's not even a 'extremely long fork', it's a plastic folk taped to a length of wood, I feel conned.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Sep 22, 2020)

seeformiles said:


> From Popbitch:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


A new perspective on the Yogi Berra quote: "when you come to a fork in the road, take it"


----------



## MrSki (Sep 23, 2020)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 23, 2020)

MrSki said:


>


More like at plastic-fork-sellotaped-to-a-stick-point


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 27, 2020)

The gold is in the police statement rather than the headline. YEP missed a trick there. They could have least called it a sting in the headline








						Police bust honey gang who stole expensive honey from health food stores across Yorkshire
					

Police tracked down a honey gang who have been sweeping round stores in Yorkshire to swipe expensive honey from health food stores.




					www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk


----------



## andysays (Sep 27, 2020)

Orang Utan said:


> The gold is in the police statement rather than the headline. YEP missed a trick there. They could have least called it a sting in the headline
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Did they use a honey trap?


----------



## JimW (Sep 28, 2020)

Romanian villagers re-elect mayor despite his COVID-19 death
					

BUCHAREST, Romania (AP) — After handing Ion Aliman victory in the election for their local mayor, residents of a small village in southern Romania went to his grave to light candles for him...




					apnews.com
				




No-one tell the Lib Dems.


----------



## quiet guy (Sep 28, 2020)

Or the Tories.


----------



## Roadkill (Sep 29, 2020)

here.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 30, 2020)

When I check google for Worthing news, it often throws up stuff from different Worthings in various parts of the world, which I normally ignore, but I clicked on this eye-catching one. 









						Sheriff: Worthing man high on acid arrested after yelling at vehicle in just his underwear
					

The man assaulted three sheriff's deputies while they tried to put him in a patrol car.




					eu.argusleader.com
				






> A 24-year-old man assaulted law enforcement officers in Worthing after he was arrested for yelling at someone while dressed in just his underwear and high on acid, authorities say.
> 
> Alexander Black Wolf, 24, from Worthing, was charged with three counts of simple assault on law enforcement, resisting arrest, obstructing law enforcement, disorderly conduct and ingesting a controlled substance, according to a news release from the Lincoln County Sheriff's Office.



Bad trip, man.


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Sep 30, 2020)

Missing ferret is found in bed... with a stranger
					

A runaway ferret was reunited with his owner after he jumped into bed with a startled man.




					www.wigantoday.net


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Sep 30, 2020)

josef1878 2.0 said:


> Missing ferret is found in bed... with a stranger
> 
> 
> A runaway ferret was reunited with his owner after he jumped into bed with a startled man.
> ...



If I woke up in a stranger's bed in Platt Bridge it would run a fuckin few miles too


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 2, 2020)

Seriously, WTF?









						Plea for roadside memorial to 60 sheep who died in A24 crash
					

Proposals are being put forward to erect a roadside memorial to 60 sheep who died in a crash on the A24.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk
				






> Members of the pro-animal group PETA have written to Horsham District Council seeking permission to erect the tombstone memorial.
> 
> PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals - say they hope *the memorial would save lives by encouraging drivers to travel safely, and choose vegan meals.*
> 
> The sheep were in a lorry which overturned on the northbound carriageway of the A24 at Dial Post on Monday afternoon (Seeptember 28).



  Fuck right off, PETA!


Then, fuck of again.


----------



## Maggot (Oct 2, 2020)

Man digs up potato shaped like a rubber duck
					

A YARNTON gardener was digging up his crop of potatoes when all of spudden he came across a quacking surprise.




					www.oxfordmail.co.uk
				




It certainly looks like a rubber duck.


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 2, 2020)

Not the headline but the byline:








						Live as Covid updates as infection rate drops in one Yorkshire city
					

Meanwhile, Donald Trump became the latest world leader to test positive for the virus




					www.leeds-live.co.uk
				



That’s got to be made up, surely?


----------



## two sheds (Oct 2, 2020)

Trump's well known for his Bradford connection though


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 2, 2020)

two sheds said:


> Trump's well known for his Bradford connection though


Look at the first writer in the byline


----------



## seeformiles (Oct 3, 2020)

It’s a slow news day in Leeds









						'The M62's best service station really doesn't live up to the hype'
					

It was a pretty average




					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## andysays (Oct 3, 2020)

seeformiles said:


> It’s a slow news day in Leeds
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Have they not got hold of this yet?



> The Conservatives plan to open a second headquarters in Leeds, the party's co-chairman will announce later. The new HQ - a northern counterpart to Conservative Campaign Headquarters in London - is expected to open next year, Amanda Milling will say, as she opens the party's "virtual conference".


----------



## seeformiles (Oct 3, 2020)

andysays said:


> Have they not got hold of this yet?



Seems not - but it in any case it ranks much lower than the charms of Hartshead Moor Services 😉


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 3, 2020)

andysays said:


> Have they not got hold of this yet?


as I said on Twitter, arson is a terrible crime


----------



## two sheds (Oct 4, 2020)

Firefighters called to rescue student from tumble dryer
					

21-year-old student was dared in a drinking game to climb into clothes dryer




					www.independent.co.uk
				




and it's not even a local newspaper headline


----------



## petee (Oct 4, 2020)

del.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 5, 2020)

Buckle up, people, we have a live one...









						'It was the curry’ Tesco driver defecates all over customer's house - and doesn't clear it up
					

An Eltham mother has spoken of her horror after a Tesco delivery driver asked to use her toilet, and defecated all over her bathroom floor.




					www.newsshopper.co.uk


----------



## kabbes (Oct 5, 2020)

DaveCinzano said:


> Buckle up, people, we have a live one...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Totally worth a read, folks.  It has everything you’d want from a local news story, right down to the need to describe the protagonist with a new epithet in every paragraph.  I particularly liked, “...who works at Next”, which is vital info.


----------



## JimW (Oct 5, 2020)

I would read the story but it's not dignified to get newss from a hopper.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 5, 2020)

kabbes said:


> Totally worth a read, folks.  It has everything you’d want from a local news story, right down to the need to describe the protagonist with a new epithet in every paragraph.  I particularly liked, “...who works at Next”, which is vital info.



The last line is a classic.



> Kirsten added that "this was not something that happens every day."



No shit, Sherlock.


----------



## two sheds (Oct 5, 2020)

kabbes said:


> Totally worth a read, folks.  It has everything you’d want from a local news story, right down to the need to describe the protagonist with a new epithet in every paragraph.  I particularly liked, “...who works at Next”, which is vital info.



It is indeed class  



> Tesco said they have offered their 'sincere apologies' to the customer and "are investigating as a matter of urgency."



They seem to specialize in matters of urgency. 



> The manager told her that the man responsible was new and was undergoing training but had come in that night and quickly left after working his last ever shift.



He hadn't got to the "don't shit on your customers' carpets" training module yet.


----------



## MickiQ (Oct 5, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> Seriously, WTF?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That has got me hankering for a lamb kebab


----------



## two sheds (Oct 5, 2020)

It did at first sight look like a spoof, although I don't think it actually is.


----------



## Steel Icarus (Oct 5, 2020)

Local ghost hunter horrified at seeing Ouija boards in Poundland
					

Paul Marsters says 'all hell could break loose if the demon attached itself to anyone'




					www.grimsbytelegraph.co.uk
				






> "Ouija boards are most certainly not a toy and should not be available for kids to buy in pound shops for Halloween - never mind adults that are not trained in how to use them"


----------



## seeformiles (Oct 6, 2020)

kabbes said:


> Totally worth a read, folks.  It has everything you’d want from a local news story, right down to the need to describe the protagonist with a new epithet in every paragraph.  I particularly liked, “...who works at Next”, which is vital info.



From the comments section 🤣

“I must say I sympathise with the driver. My guts are something terrible after a few Guinness and a ruby. My Mum won't let me poop in our lav, she makes me do it in a black plastic sack in the garden and chuck it up the road before it gets light.“


----------



## Badgers (Oct 12, 2020)

I


----------



## Marty1 (Oct 12, 2020)

andysays said:


> An Amazon driver, you say. It couldn't be anyone we know...
> 
> ...could it??



Funnily enough, I’ve never taken a shit someone’s garden before


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 12, 2020)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 234114I



I was once part of a group being shown around the Express & Echo's building & press room, the daft twat showing us around didn't cop on that I was taking the piss, when he said ,'in [whatever year] the current paper was born by the merger of two other titles in Exeter', and I piped-up, 'oh, what titles were they?', he replied. 'the Exeter Express and Exeter Echo', I came back with, 'oh really, that's interesting', at which point the others just started to crack-up.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 12, 2020)

Marty1 said:


> Funnily enough, I’ve never taken a shit someone’s garden before



Yet!


----------



## existentialist (Oct 12, 2020)

John ap Evans denies Novichok hoax at Pembroke castle
					

John ap Evans is accused of placing bottles of a fake Novichok nerve agent in Pembroke Castle.



					www.bbc.co.uk
				




I think this is going to be rather sad and pathetic - the hoaxer is representing himself in court.


----------



## petee (Oct 13, 2020)

" he didn’t have his “booger picker on the bang switch,” "

ohhhhh yeeeaaahhhhhhh









						Mauston police sergeant charged after shooting person while off-duty and drunk
					

MAUSTON, Wis. (WKBT) — A Mauston Police Department sergeant was charged with a felony Monday in Monroe County Circuit Court after he was accused of shooting another person in August while off-duty and drunk. Michael P. Sturek, 39, Mauston, faces charges of second-degree recklessly endangering...




					www.news8000.com


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 15, 2020)

Shoreham autumn show features fabulous ugly vegetable
					

Shoreham Horticultural & Allotment Society’s third virtual show of the year, the autumn show on Saturday, October 10, was well supported, with photos of autumn tints in the flower classes, long-awaited vegetables ready to grace the dinner table and fruit classes featuring apples and pears.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk
				




 



Spoiler: Jo Lambert, winner of the ugly vegetable class


----------



## andysays (Oct 15, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> Shoreham autumn show features fabulous ugly vegetable
> 
> 
> Shoreham Horticultural & Allotment Society’s third virtual show of the year, the autumn show on Saturday, October 10, was well supported, with photos of autumn tints in the flower classes, long-awaited vegetables ready to grace the dinner table and fruit classes featuring apples and pears.
> ...


I once won the 'strangest shaped vegetable' category in a local horticultural show, but my carrot shaped like two legs and a protruding penis wasn't anywhere near as weird as that potato.


----------



## Calamity1971 (Oct 16, 2020)

Drinking establishment takes swipe at tier three restrictions by renaming pub


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Oct 17, 2020)

Woman orders 'professional' cake for brother's 30th, is delivered 'monstrosity'
					

Sue Faulkner's daughter was left shocked by the cake she received




					www.getreading.co.uk


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 17, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> Shoreham autumn show features fabulous ugly vegetable
> 
> 
> Shoreham Horticultural & Allotment Society’s third virtual show of the year, the autumn show on Saturday, October 10, was well supported, with photos of autumn tints in the flower classes, long-awaited vegetables ready to grace the dinner table and fruit classes featuring apples and pears.
> ...


Looks like an Hieronymous Bosch painting of an orgy, if the orgy was a clusterfuck of spuds


----------



## quiet guy (Oct 17, 2020)

Puddy_Tat said:


> Woman orders 'professional' cake for brother's 30th, is delivered 'monstrosity'
> 
> 
> Sue Faulkner's daughter was left shocked by the cake she received
> ...


That's priceless, it'd so bad it must be joke.


----------



## Roadkill (Oct 23, 2020)

*Cat floods Hull home after learning to turn on tap and plug the sink*


----------



## Marty1 (Oct 29, 2020)

Not a local headline but a local story to me with a local sounding headline.









						Police find burglar sleeping at crime scene next to half-eaten cheesecake
					

Officers called to a restaurant break-in didn't have to look too hard for their suspect.




					news.sky.com


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 30, 2020)

I've now got an image in my head of the Keystone Cops chasing peacocks around the village & surrounding countryside, with some of the villagers helping the peacocks to outwit the cops. 












						Police launch hunt for ‘illegal’ peacocks roaming Sussex village
					

A police hunt has been launched for five peacocks roaming round a Sussex village.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk
				






> The [police] flyer states: “Peacocks are non native species and their existence in the wild in Sussex cannot continue due to the potential impact on our native wildlife.
> 
> “Current efforts are focused on trapping then rehoming the peacocks. However we must advise that if this cannot be completed, then humane dispatch will be required.”
> 
> Sussex Police’s Rural Crime Team is appealing to the villagers to tell them where the birds roost or feed.





> Meanwhile many residents have taken to social media to air their views. One woman said: “I’ve yet to meet someone in person who doesn’t find these magical birds bring joy to our currently very restricted lives.
> 
> “We need something to come together and smile about. Killing innocent birds is not the way to do that.”
> 
> ...


----------



## JuanTwoThree (Oct 30, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> I've now got an image in my head of the Keystone Cops chasing peacocks around the village & surrounding countryside, with some of the villagers helping the peacocks to outwit the cops.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




In Henfield.

 As it should be.


----------



## pogofish (Oct 30, 2020)

*Bag of leeks confused with machete after police called to Aberdeen community to track down person in bunny mask*


The mind boggles..!










						Evening Express The Press and Journal combined
					

About the new Press and Journal and Evening Express combined website Our newspapers Press and Journal subscribers Evening Express subscribers Evening




					www.eveningexpress.co.uk


----------



## a_chap (Oct 30, 2020)

Is it very different from a table leg being confused with a shotgun?


----------



## seeformiles (Oct 30, 2020)

a_chap said:


> Is it very different from a table leg being confused with a shotgun?



Specifically saying it looked like a machete takes a bit more imagination I reckon 🙂


----------



## hash tag (Nov 3, 2020)

Posted for quotes, inc. it's going to be expensive to fix!








						Two multimillion-pound homes collapse in Chelsea amid building work
					

Dozens of residents have to be evacuated from their homes in south west London after two multimillion-pound properties collapsed amid renovation work.




					www.standard.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 3, 2020)

hash tag said:


> Posted for quotes, inc. it's going to be expensive to fix!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Oops!


----------



## hash tag (Nov 3, 2020)

Chelsea for you innit 😁  note at least one good person called the fail.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 5, 2020)

Defibrillators installed at Adur and Worthing cemeteries
					

Four more defibrillators have been installed in Adur and Worthing, focusing on the cemeteries and crematorium this time.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk
				




Surely it's a bit late at that stage?


----------



## chandlerp (Nov 5, 2020)

A shocking waste of money


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Nov 5, 2020)

The latest in the Westmorland Gazette


----------



## petee (Nov 7, 2020)

crook arrested









						Fairfield Police arrest NJ man twice in the same day
					

Lawrence Crook, a 37-year-old New Jersey man, faces a number of charges after being...




					www.fairfieldcitizenonline.com


----------



## ruffneck23 (Nov 7, 2020)




----------



## ddraig (Nov 8, 2020)

> 'They're so easily-triggered', according to those who've encountered them



*These three-legged Armadillo robots are shouting at people in Leicester's Aylestone Meadows *









						3-legged Armadillo robots shouting at people using park
					

'They're so easily-triggered', according to those who've encountered them




					www.leicestermercury.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 8, 2020)

ddraig said:


> *These three-legged Armadillo robots are shouting at people in Leicester's Aylestone Meadows *
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I am surprised no one has nicked them.


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 8, 2020)

ddraig said:


> *These three-legged Armadillo robots are shouting at people in Leicester's Aylestone Meadows *
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I’m keen to hear one in action 😀


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 8, 2020)

Brawl breaks out in Tesco eggs aisle during two-minutes silence
					

Eggs were said to be smashed on the supermarket floor as a fight erupted in the big store




					www.gazettelive.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 8, 2020)

Orang Utan said:


> Brawl breaks out in Tesco eggs aisle during two-minutes silence
> 
> 
> Eggs were said to be smashed on the supermarket floor as a fight erupted in the big store
> ...





> "There were smashed eggs all over the floor.
> 
> “It was definitely not something you see every day.
> 
> “I only went in for a chicken.”


----------



## existentialist (Nov 8, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


>


Before I even clicked the link, I knew this was going to be about some piouser-than-thou remembrancer kicking off because someone wasn't showing Due Respect.


----------



## brogdale (Nov 8, 2020)

existentialist said:


> Before I even clicked the link, I knew this was going to be about some piouser-than-thou remembrancer kicking off because someone wasn't showing Due Respect.


So respectful and pious that she went to buy eggs in Tesco to remember her mother (?) at the very moment of remembrance.


----------



## moochedit (Nov 9, 2020)

Marty1 said:


> Funnily enough, I’ve never taken a shit someone’s garden before


Do you use their wheely bin?


----------



## Marty1 (Nov 9, 2020)

moochedit said:


> Do you use their wheely bin?



A driver at my old firm told a story that he was caught short once and had a shit in the back of his van into a carrier bag.

He double wrapped it but the odour overpowered him leaking into the front cab so he found a lay-by and attempted to throw the bag over a hedge but it got caught in the branches of a tree.

Couple of days later he passes the same lay-by and notices the carrier bag expanded into a balloon still hanging from the tree as tho about to explode.

The driver often used to retell this story almost as if he was proud, but it always got a laugh.


----------



## Chz (Nov 9, 2020)

existentialist said:


> Before I even clicked the link, I knew this was going to be about some piouser-than-thou remembrancer kicking off because someone wasn't showing Due Respect.


When the country's government has never been able to show Due Respect by actually celebrating Armistice Day on the proper day. And instead shuffles it off to the weekend so they don't have to give anyone time off. I always thought it was quite insulting.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Nov 9, 2020)

Again, from the Westmorland Gazette...no one is safe!

*A bogus rat catcher is reportedly offering work in Dalton and Barrow*
POLICE are urging residents to check credentials after reports of a bogus rat catcher operating in Furness.

Reports have surfaced that an illegitimate rat catcher charging upwards of £42 is offering work around the Dalton and Barrow area.

According to the action group, Dalton Community Action, there have been reports of a bogus rat catcher touting for work among local businesses.
The group is urging the public to remain vigilant of any supposed rat catchers looking for work in the local area.


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 9, 2020)

pseudonarcissus said:


> Again, from the Westmorland Gazette...no one is safe!
> 
> *A bogus rat catcher is reportedly offering work in Dalton and Barrow*
> POLICE are urging residents to check credentials after reports of a bogus rat catcher operating in Furness.
> ...


How are they bogus? Do they only catch mice or summat?


----------



## prunus (Nov 9, 2020)

Orang Utan said:


> How are they bogus? Do they only catch mice or summat?



Children.  It's an old scam.


----------



## quiet guy (Nov 9, 2020)

Should be easy to spot the one playing the flute


----------



## JimW (Nov 10, 2020)

Orang Utan said:


> How are they bogus? Do they only catch mice or summat?


Brings the dead rats with him.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Nov 10, 2020)

Orang Utan said:


> How are they bogus?



Insufficiently massive spoon.


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 10, 2020)

Girl, 5, traumatised and sick after falling face first into dog poo
					

The poo went in horrified Emelia's face and mouth




					www.examinerlive.co.uk


----------



## JimW (Nov 11, 2020)

Police: Woman posing as FBI agent sought free fast food
					

ROCKMART, Ga. (AP) — Police have jailed a woman in Georgia accused of pretending to be an FBI agent to score a free fast-food meal, saying she allegedly threatened to arrest restaurant workers if they didn’t serve her a complimentary bite...




					apnews.com
				





> It added that the woman continued the farce as police arrived to arrest her in the restaurant parking lot Thursday, reportedly claiming to officers that she was an FBI agent and that her credentials were electronic. While being handcuffed, she allegedly began to “talk into her shirt like she was talking into a radio telling someone that we were arresting her and to send someone to Rockmart PD,” officers wrote in the arrest report.


----------



## Maggot (Nov 11, 2020)




----------



## prunus (Nov 11, 2020)

Maggot said:


> View attachment 238417



I had hopes for a moment there that he’d decided to call it ‘Steve’.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 11, 2020)

Maggot said:


> View attachment 238417



It's an oldie, from 2014, but still makes me laugh.


----------



## danny la rouge (Nov 11, 2020)

Maggot said:


> View attachment 238417


Steve should have designed the Mary Wollstonecraft statue.


----------



## petee (Nov 13, 2020)

hold the front page...



			https://www.fergusfallsjournal.com/news/crime/man-upset-after-falling-off-four-wheeler/article_40863872-22c0-11eb-a221-934d345104b4.html
		


"The man was upset but he had not hit his head. His blood sugar was checked."


----------



## Maggot (Nov 13, 2020)

petee said:


> hold the front page...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


unavailable due to legal reasons.


----------



## petee (Nov 13, 2020)

Maggot said:


> unavailable due to legal reasons.



guy fell of a 4-wheeler. EMS,came. 
that is all.


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 14, 2020)

Man who repeatedly shouted 'wakey wakey' during early morning drives warned by police
					

POLICE have warned a man from Fareham that he could have his car seized if he continues to cause a nuisance in Gosport with his early morning hijinks – including shouting boasts that the police wouldn’t be able to catch him.




					www.portsmouth.co.uk


----------



## Badgers (Nov 14, 2020)

seeformiles said:


> Man who repeatedly shouted 'wakey wakey' during early morning drives warned by police
> 
> 
> POLICE have warned a man from Fareham that he could have his car seized if he continues to cause a nuisance in Gosport with his early morning hijinks – including shouting boasts that the police wouldn’t be able to catch him.
> ...


Been meaning to post that. Made me laugh earlier  glad he is not my neighbour but still funny.


----------



## editor (Nov 16, 2020)

Strange huts appear on top of one of Cornwall's highest points
					

The two structures appear to have been put up on one of the highest points on Bodmin Moor during the second lockdown




					www.cornwalllive.com


----------



## WWWeed (Nov 19, 2020)




----------



## seeformiles (Nov 19, 2020)

Worth it for the photo:









						Genius idea to support the city's most vulnerable families at Christmas
					

Malcolm Leary is asking people to leave Christmas presents by his shop that will be given to children which are being supported by a local charity




					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 19, 2020)

Public given chance to name a Rampion wind turbine (here is how to vote)
					

A VISITOR centre is offering people the chance to name an offshore wind turbine in a new competition.




					www.theargus.co.uk
				







> A VISITOR centre is offering people the chance to name an offshore wind turbine in a new competition.
> 
> Organisers at Rampion Visitor Centre are giving members of the public the chance to name FO4, the first operational turbine.
> 
> *Eager entrants have already submitted suggestions, including Spinny McSpinFace, Turbine McTurbineFace and Windy Miller.*


*

*


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 19, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> Public given chance to name a Rampion wind turbine (here is how to vote)
> 
> 
> A VISITOR centre is offering people the chance to name an offshore wind turbine in a new competition.
> ...



I love “Windy Miller”(but Turbine McTurbineface is great too 😀)


----------



## hash tag (Nov 19, 2020)

pseudonarcissus said:


> Again, from the Westmorland Gazette...no one is safe!
> 
> *A bogus rat catcher is reportedly offering work in Dalton and Barrow*
> POLICE are urging residents to check credentials after reports of a bogus rat catcher operating in Furness.
> ...


They need a "rat trap"


----------



## Brainaddict (Nov 20, 2020)

This is so good: Fed-up motorist got his son to stand in pothole to show how huge it is


----------



## quimcunx (Nov 20, 2020)

seeformiles said:


> I love “Windy Miller”(but Turbine McTurbineface is great too 😀)



Spinny mcspinface is clearly the best!


----------



## Chz (Nov 20, 2020)

Fanny McFanblade.


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 20, 2020)

Courtesy of Popbitch:









						Fed-up motorist got his son to stand in pothole to show how huge it is
					

One man was so annoyed the pothole hasn't been fixed that he asked his son to stand in it to prove how deep it is




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 20, 2020)

seeformiles said:


> Courtesy of Popbitch:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Just 3 posts above.


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 20, 2020)

cupid_stunt said:


> Just 3 posts above.



Whoops! Blame the Whitecurrant wine 😀


----------



## mx wcfc (Nov 21, 2020)

Driver who caused head-on collision was 'distracted by a bag of Frazzles'
					

A DRIVER who caused a head-on crash that left a couple with serious injuries was likely to have been distracted by eating a packet of Frazzles.




					www.hampshirechronicle.co.uk
				




Outcome not funny.


----------



## Roadkill (Nov 21, 2020)

*Supermarket worker killed 15 chickens by having sex with them*


----------



## dessiato (Nov 21, 2020)

Roadkill said:


> *Supermarket worker killed 15 chickens by having sex with them*


“He did not like performing the act and said sorry to the chickens after.” Well that makes it alright then.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 25, 2020)

Derbyshire pensioner was 'chopped up and fed to the badgers'

*Derbyshire pensioner was chopped up and fed to the Badgers *


----------



## dessiato (Nov 25, 2020)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Derbyshire pensioner was 'chopped up and fed to the badgers'
> 
> *Derbyshire pensioner was chopped up and fed to the Badgers *


Badgers  is a canibal!


----------



## dessiato (Nov 28, 2020)

Man spat at people in street and 'tried to have sex with a bollard'
					

The judge told Richard Parker: 'You need help'




					www.grimsbytelegraph.co.uk
				




"and tried to have sex with a bollard."

eta it's a very sad sorry despite the amusing headline.


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 28, 2020)

Secret compartment full of nude pictures found in Leeds mansion
					

Staff at Temple Newsam were delighted to discover the nude postcards dating back to the 1900s




					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 28, 2020)

Bit of a curate’s egg:









						New apple variety discovered by Wiltshire jogger
					

Experts have confirmed the apple found by Archie Thomas has never been seen before.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## dessiato (Dec 2, 2020)

Warning about driving after having had sex
					

The hormone oxytocin can hinder your driving abillity




					www.grimsbytelegraph.co.uk
				



Warning about driving after having sex. Apparently it isn't a good idea.


----------



## hash tag (Dec 3, 2020)

Sorry, not a newspaper headline, but worthy of mention (sort of goes with dessiato's post)









						Condoms in the Kitchen
					

A talk and live experiment, where author and historian Jessica Borge will recreate some of the 1960s consumer tests of condoms.




					www.ianvisits.co.uk
				












						Condoms in the Kitchen
					

Watch historian and author Jessica Borge conduct a live consumer-testing experiment on a 1960s condom, and discuss the history of the London Rubber Company.




					wellcomecollection.org


----------



## hash tag (Dec 3, 2020)

Banned, from your own funeral 








						Dead man taken to church without a coffin is banned from his own funeral
					

Che Lewis, 29, was buried alongside his dad Adlay Lewis, 54, after they were both fatally shot at their home in Port of Spain, Trinidad and Tobago month's after the younger man's brother was also killed




					www.mirror.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 7, 2020)

> POLICE have released a CCTV image of a woman they want to speak to in connection with a burglary - where the only item stolen was a CCTV camera.



How ironic.  









						Do you recognise this woman? - Police search after burglary
					

POLICE have released a CCTV image of a woman they want to speak to in connection with a burglary - where the only item stolen was a CCTV camera.




					www.theargus.co.uk


----------



## petee (Dec 11, 2020)

oops









						Erectile Dysfunction Drug and Anti-Depressant Accidentally Swapped in Factory
					

Pharmaceutical company AvKare issued a recall on Wednesday for two different medications after pills were inadvertently mixed during bottling, according to a new report from the FDA. The generic drugs being recalled are sildenafil, used to treat erectile dysfunction, and trazodone, an...




					gizmodo.com


----------



## petee (Dec 18, 2020)

Man caught on video rollerblading naked on Ohio highway while wearing a panda head
					

The man is wearing only a panda head and carrying a golf club.




					www.pennlive.com
				





_Authorities in Ohio are trying to identify a man who was filmed rollerblading while naked on a highway.

The man is wearing only a panda head and appears to be carrying a golf club._


----------



## JimW (Dec 18, 2020)

I don't think you can call a man wearing a panda head naked. Shoddy journalism.


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 19, 2020)

Boy, 12, organises 'rave' in school toilet but mum says he's done nothing wrong
					

Cael Bell advertised the event on Snapchat, inviting "all year 8 boys" at St Antony's Catholic College in Urmston, Greater Manchester, but it lasted only 30 minutes before being shut down




					www.google.co.uk
				



Telegraph headline and photo is better but behind a paywall:




__





						Redirect Notice
					





					www.google.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Dec 21, 2020)

“In severe pain and screaming...” 😱









						Leeds mum almost blinds herself while wrapping Christmas presents
					

Luckily, she managed to finish wrapping all her presents




					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 21, 2020)

seeformiles said:


> “In severe pain and screaming...” 😱
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The editor of Leeds Live has an interesting name:




__





						Contact Leeds Live
					

Information on contacting Leeds Live




					www.leeds-live.co.uk
				



(it's real, according to him - he's also on a FB fanpage of techno club The Orbit and claims he was always having to get his bank card out to prove it was his real name - though I remember in those days people were always getting their bank cards out but for other reasons)


----------



## seeformiles (Dec 21, 2020)

Orang Utan said:


> The editor of Leeds Live has an interesting name:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



“Wayne Ankers” 😀

I used to work with a chap called Andrew Nothers - a nice fella but his name got him into some bother. He was a member of his local Rugby League club and was charged with booking the club coach trip to away games but had terrible trouble convincing them that it wasn’t a joke name..


----------



## Indeliblelink (Dec 23, 2020)

It's a Christmas miracle.








						'Face of Jesus' found in Brussels sprout as stunned mum prepares dinner
					

"Spiritual" Shaunagh Roberts, 34, did a double-take when she found a Brussel sprout that resembled either Jesus Christ or Pirates of the Caribbean hero Johnny Depp




					www.dailystar.co.uk


----------



## Badgers (Dec 24, 2020)

Not 'local' but important 









						Bodybuilder says sex doll wife has tragically 'broken' days before Christmas
					

Yuri Tolochko finally wed his sex doll bride Margo at a ceremony in Kazakhstan in November after their special day was delayed twice. He first met her at a nightclub, and the pair began a whirlwind romance



					www.dailystar.co.uk


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Dec 29, 2020)

I know this sort of news appeals to some folk in the Urban dogging community...
*More than a dozen people caught having sex in a public places across Cumbria*
One wonders who the journalist was at the editorial meeting that thought this might be a nice contribution to the "year in review" stories common at this time of year.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Dec 29, 2020)

Indeliblelink said:


> It's a Christmas miracle.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thought for the Day: "After he stopped looking like Jesus he got put in the green recycling bin."


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Dec 29, 2020)

and 


pseudonarcissus said:


> I know this sort of news appeals to some folk in the Urban dogging community...
> *More than a dozen people caught having sex in a public places across Cumbria*
> One wonders who the journalist was at the editorial meeting that thought this might be a nice contribution to the "year in review" stories common at this time of year.


I've just contributed synchronicity to the Gazette's twitterfeed


----------



## existentialist (Dec 30, 2020)

seeformiles said:


> “In severe pain and screaming...” 😱
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Fuck's sake.


----------



## chandlerp (Dec 30, 2020)

Indeliblelink said:


> It's a Christmas miracle.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



That's not Jesus, it's Engelbert Humperdink.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Dec 31, 2020)

Pair of knickers found by astronaut Tim Peake on a Sussex beach
					

A pair of knickers unearthed by Tim Peake has made the top ten list of weirdest items found washed up on the UK’s beaches in 2020.




					www.theargus.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 31, 2020)

Indeliblelink said:


> Pair of knickers found by astronaut Tim Peake on a Sussex beach
> 
> 
> A pair of knickers unearthed by Tim Peake has made the top ten list of weirdest items found washed up on the UK’s beaches in 2020.
> ...



In depth reporting too...



> *A PAIR of knickers unearthed by Tim Peake has made the top ten list of weirdest items found washed up on the UK’s beaches in 2020.*
> 
> The astronaut found the lacy pink undies during a litter pick in his home town of Chichester in September.



...and, it's it! 

They could at least have published the full list.


----------



## dessiato (Dec 31, 2020)

Knickers, pink, lacy, or otherwise, are not a strange thing to find on a beach.


----------



## editor (Dec 31, 2020)

existentialist said:


> Fuck's sake.


"I will never look at cardboard boxes in the same way again."


----------



## existentialist (Dec 31, 2020)

editor said:


> "I will never look at cardboard boxes in the same way again."


 Some might say she's learned something from the experience, then...


----------



## two sheds (Dec 31, 2020)

From the sound of it she might not be looking at anything in the same way again  

You lot can scoff but I've ripped up cardboard boxes before and I can tell you they're evil


----------



## seeformiles (Dec 31, 2020)

“It’s amazing how quickly your eyes heal, I never realised. I went from being in severe pain to the next day just soreness. Obviously, I can see well out of it but I couldn’t see that well out it anyway.”

😉


----------



## existentialist (Jan 1, 2021)

two sheds said:


> From the sound of it she might not be looking at anything in the same way again
> 
> You lot can scoff but I've ripped up cardboard boxes before and I can tell you they're evil


One of the first jobs I had involved breaking up a LOT of cardboard boxes. As a lazy fucker not given to expending excessive effort for £4.80/hr, I got quite good with the old Stanley knife and flattening them without violence or injury. 

Worse was putting them back together - if the brown tape attached itself to a lip (eg when biting it off the roll ), it'd remove skin.


----------



## Badgers (Jan 2, 2021)




----------



## quiet guy (Jan 2, 2021)

Was he just keeping it warm


----------



## petee (Jan 4, 2021)

🇨🇦









						Taxi driver takes drunk passenger who refused to wear mask directly to police station
					

A taxi driver whose drunken New Year’s Day passenger refused to wear a mask in his cab drove straight to Victoria police station where the man was arrested and fined a total of $690.   The driver . . .




					www.prpeak.com
				




_A taxi driver whose drunken New Year’s Day passenger refused to wear a mask in his cab drove straight to Victoria police station where the man was arrested and fined a total of $690. _

WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT


----------



## editor (Jan 4, 2021)




----------



## pseudonarcissus (Jan 6, 2021)

The LLoyd’s List news wire doesn’t do headlines, alas.

“Gay Head backs into Wood’s Hole and causes drama on the catwalk.”

London, Jan 6 -- A press report, dated Jan 4, states: Supply Gay Head (98 gt, built 1981) while backing into Slip 2 at the SSA terminal in Hyannis, Massachusetts, United States came in contact with the docked passenger ro/ro Woods Hole (3524 gt, built 2016), at 1045 hrs, on Jan 2. After the contact, Gay Head continued its attempt to dock and allided with terminal dolphins and consequently dislodged a catwalk that fell into the water and was partially submerged.


----------



## danny la rouge (Jan 6, 2021)

editor said:


> View attachment 247025


I knew that was Dundee even before I scrolled up and saw the masthead! 🤣


----------



## danny la rouge (Jan 6, 2021)

And for those not in the know, it’s pronounced “pay”.


----------



## krtek a houby (Jan 6, 2021)

danny la rouge said:


> I knew that was Dundee even before I scrolled up and saw the masthead! 🤣



Oh Dundee boy, the pies, the pies are calling


----------



## hitmouse (Jan 7, 2021)

pseudonarcissus said:


> terminal dolphins


Now that the corona vaccine's sorted, can we get the scientists working on a cure for that one?


----------



## dessiato (Jan 8, 2021)

'World's unluckiest burglars' arrested after calling police by accident
					

Staffordshire police arrest two men on suspicion of burglary after one sits on phone and dials 999




					www.theguardian.com


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 8, 2021)

'Human remains' buried in mud was only a potato; dog walker thought it was a toe
					

A LARGE scale police response was prompted by a phone call to emergency services about suspected human remains being spotted in a field – only for…




					www.thenorthernecho.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 9, 2021)

Ho hum... (If mine looked like that I’d see a doctor)









						Mum left in hysterics after cooking a VERY rude Yorkshire pudding
					

Anne-Marie couldn't stop laughing when she pulled offending bake out of the oven




					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## prunus (Jan 9, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> Ho hum... (If mine looked like that I’d see a doctor)
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Hysterics. Hysterics I tell you.


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 9, 2021)

prunus said:


> Hysterics. Hysterics I tell you.



Leeds Live are the masters of understatement 🙂


----------



## quiet guy (Jan 12, 2021)

Heavy-lifting equipment used to free military helicopter stuck in muddy field
					

The RAF Chinook helicopter has been stuck in the field for six days.




					www.expressandstar.com
				



Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies...


----------



## dessiato (Jan 13, 2021)

quiet guy said:


> Heavy-lifting equipment used to free military helicopter stuck in muddy field
> 
> 
> The RAF Chinook helicopter has been stuck in the field for six days.
> ...


They should have used a helicopter to take the equipment in.


----------



## dessiato (Jan 14, 2021)

Scrolling through today's headlines on the BBC,


----------



## quiet guy (Jan 14, 2021)

Must be profitable trade for the Baby eating Anarchists 😁


----------



## hash tag (Jan 16, 2021)

Hey cupid_stunt still having issues with pot holes? Head West to Poole, where, if they are doing this, they can't have any Poole's nautical road decorations spark mixed views


----------



## quiet guy (Jan 16, 2021)

Now that's not a waste a money. No way, no way.


----------



## cyril_smear (Jan 16, 2021)

Badgers said:


> Not 'local' but important
> 
> 
> 
> ...



lads bible loves this guy. Every other post is about him cheating with a toaster, or some other inanimate object.


----------



## two sheds (Jan 16, 2021)

how would you know that?


----------



## cyril_smear (Jan 17, 2021)

two sheds said:


> how would you know that?



You never heard of lads bible?


----------



## two sheds (Jan 17, 2021)

innocent me


----------



## petee (Jan 17, 2021)

'Hell to pay': Church of Satan mourns arson at New York 'Halloween House'
					

Member Isis Vermouth promises hex on culprit after Addams Family-style home in Poughkeepsie burns




					www.theguardian.com
				




_Peter H Gilmore, high priest of the Church of Satan, paid tribute in a “requiem” to the house and its former owner, Joe “Netherworld” Mendillo, a church member and “dark side Martha Stewart” who died last year. _


----------



## Badgers (Jan 20, 2021)




----------



## seeformiles (Jan 20, 2021)

Couple shocked as baby scan looks like President Donald Trump
					

"After five minutes I said, 'Karl, all I can see is Donald Trump' and he burst into laughter."




					www.walesonline.co.uk


----------



## dessiato (Jan 22, 2021)

A nice one:








						Patient dog waits for days outside hospital
					

Boncuk returned each day to hospital in Turkish city of Trabzon where her owner, Cemal Senturk, was being treated




					www.theguardian.com


----------



## petee (Jan 22, 2021)

oh yeah









						MPD: Man wakes up to woman holding a bag of pepperoni and drinking coca-cola in his house
					

On Sunday, January 17, 2021, at approximately 8:20 a. m. , police responded to Massengale Drive about a burglary. Mobile Police Department says a man woke up and noticed an unknown female subject standing in his bedroom drinking Coca-cola and holding a bag of pepperoni that came out of his...




					mynbc15.com


----------



## hitmouse (Jan 23, 2021)

dessiato said:


> A nice one:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Surely if it's a patient it should be inside the hospital?


----------



## hitmouse (Jan 24, 2021)

Police turn up to 'illegal rave' to find elderly queuing in the cold for Covid vaccine
					

POLICE who swooped in on an “illegal rave” in Southend instead found queues of pensioners lining up to get their Covid jab.




					www.echo-news.co.uk
				






> POLICE who swooped in on an “illegal rave” in Southend instead found queues of pensioners lining up to get their Covid jab.
> 
> Three police cars descended on the Essex Freemasons’ Saxon Hall in Aviation Way, Southend on Friday, after being tipped off about a ‘rave’.
> 
> But instead of finding strobe lights, glow sticks and groups of teenagers - officers were confronted with large numbers of people in their 80s with walking sticks queuing outside the building for their vaccine.



There is a part of me that wonders if the choice of the Freemasons' Hall as a venue isn't someone somewhere having a wind-up as well.


----------



## hitmouse (Jan 24, 2021)

Burns Night: Haggis travels to the edge of space! - CBBC Newsround
					

A haggis has been launched 20 miles into the sky to mark the Scottish celebration of Burns Night.




					www.bbc.co.uk
				






> Scotland's national dish is usually eaten on Burns Night, which celebrates the Scottish poet Robert Burns, but this year the pudding had a very different experience.
> 
> Instead of being boiled and eaten it was attached to a weather balloon and sent up more than 20 miles (107,293ft) above the Earth!
> 
> That's nearly four times as high as Mount Everest.


----------



## petee (Jan 24, 2021)

Geologist Finds Rare Formation Inside Rock That Looks Exactly Like Cookie Monster on Sesame Street - LOOK
					

Geologists have found a rare formation inside a rock that looks just like the Cookie Monster character from Sesame Street.




					www.goodnewsnetwork.org


----------



## hash tag (Jan 30, 2021)

I suppose it is a question of priorities









						Woman gives armed robber blowjob to distract him until police storm scene
					

A 24-year-old armed robbery suspect has been arrested by police in the Slovakian capital, Bratislava while lying half-naked with a woman inside a petrol station office.




					www.herald.ng


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 30, 2021)

hash tag said:


> I suppose it is a question of priorities
> 
> 
> 
> ...


A Nigerian online student newspaper is definitely my first stop when looking for unsourced local crime reports from Slovakia


----------



## hash tag (Jan 30, 2021)

There were other sources for it, including the unmentionable british rags.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Jan 30, 2021)

The story appears to originate with profit-making Slovak state news agency TASR:






						Tlačová agentúra Slovenskej republiky - TASR.sk
					






					www.tasr.sk


----------



## cybershot (Jan 31, 2021)

Can only see this on FB at the moment but will no doubt hit Staffordshire Live soon. An actual Karen complained!


----------



## hash tag (Jan 31, 2021)

I wonder if she is married to Robin?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 3, 2021)

Another slow news day week in Worthing.  









						Worthing’s popular Waitrose trolley man retires
					

Waitrose in Worthing has wished its long-standing trolley man a happy retirement, after 20 years at the store.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk
				




They missed a trick by not having a photo of him pointing at the trolleys.


----------



## hash tag (Feb 3, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> Another slow news day week in Worthing.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Trolley in a pot hole!


----------



## hitmouse (Feb 4, 2021)

The truth behind 'dog theft' rumours that 'terrified' locals
					

A wave of social media rumours left some people in the Seaton Valley scared to walk their dogs - but police say the rumours simply weren't true




					www.chroniclelive.co.uk
				






> Last week, a wave of reports began to spread on Facebook, claiming that people in Seaton Sluice and the surrounding area had been approached by people trying to steal their dog, or had seen "suspicious" figures in white vans who they believed might be planning a theft.
> 
> Northumbria Police said officers have been made aware of the posts, many of which originated from a report of an incident in Seaton Sluice.
> 
> Inspector Neil Hall said: "In regards to that particular incident, the member of the public who reported the incident has been spoken to and we are confident there has been no attempted theft. The alleged kidnappers had been delivering scotch eggs to a nearby café, it is a regular delivery and they have made no attempts to speak to the woman in question."


----------



## petee (Feb 6, 2021)

not a headline, a court finding, but still quite local.

_"The motion which Plaintiff filed was entitled "Motion To Kiss My Ass" (Doc. 107) in which he moved "all Americans at large and one corrupt Judge Smith [to] kiss my got [sic] damn ass sorry mother fucker you."_






						Washington v. Alaimo – Lowering the Bar
					






					loweringthebar.net
				




we may need a thread for local court cases.


----------



## Voley (Feb 9, 2021)

Cornwall Live are on form today:


----------



## hitmouse (Feb 9, 2021)

'Quite a calm koala': marsupial gets behind the wheel after being rescued from Australian freeway
					

Adelaide woman Nadia Tugwell put the koala in her car after it caused a multi-vehicle crash by ‘stomping’ on to the freeway




					www.theguardian.com
				





Actually, this one could probably go in the Informal Anarchist Actions thread: "The Ned Kelly Brigade claim responsibility for a spontaneous Reclaim The Streets action which created a temporary autonomous zone on the Adelaide Freeway..."


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 9, 2021)

Sounds like she’s a talented woman


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Feb 11, 2021)

*Crook Women's Institute holding talks with Owl Sanctuary in Barrow*

this is a wonderful non-story, I suspect by a lady member of the institute that wasn’t really paying attention. This was then compounded by a headline writer trying to up the drama from “had a talk by..” to “holding talks with..”, which implies high level negotiations.


----------



## petee (Feb 13, 2021)

Rude Trip: Two Brothers Go On a Naughty Place Name Tour Across UK
					

Andy and Magnus Tait embarked on an epic "Rude Trip" of Britain, and over four days visited places across the country with rude and naughty names.



					www.sadanduseless.com
				




england


----------



## hitmouse (Feb 13, 2021)

No commitment if they didn't make it all the way up to Twatt.


----------



## editor (Feb 15, 2021)

Drunken bucking bronco gran jailed for biting Orangemen's legs at Ayrshire village fun day
					

BOOZED-UP Nicola Saunderson sparked mayhem after pushing children out of the way to get on fairground ride.




					www.dailyrecord.co.uk
				






'Nicola Saunderson pushed young children out of the way to get on the fair ground attraction'##





> A GRAN bit two Orangemen on the legs during a row after barging her way to the front of a queue for a bucking bronco ride.
> 
> Drunken Nicola Saunderson, 38, pushed young children out of the way to get on the fairground attraction.
> 
> ...


----------



## [62] (Feb 16, 2021)

Not so much the headline as the photo. 










						Apology after Valentine's Day doughnut boxes 'inedible'
					

The Lovers Donut Box cost £20 - but some customers say it was barely worth a fiver




					www.devonlive.com


----------



## kabbes (Feb 16, 2021)

It looks like a bunch of shitty arseholes


----------



## seeformiles (Feb 18, 2021)

I was invited for a vaccine because NHS thought I was 6cm tall
					

Hilarious mix-up may have highlighted a potential issue with the vaccine roll-out




					www.liverpoolecho.co.uk


----------



## editor (Feb 22, 2021)




----------



## danny la rouge (Feb 22, 2021)

editor said:


> View attachment 255564


I know Leith Walk.  My daughter used to live there.  I’ve never had to dodge tongue eating seagulls there.  There’s a great book/record shop (Elvis Shakespeare).  I mean, it’s not Gorgie.


----------



## kabbes (Feb 22, 2021)

editor said:


> View attachment 255564


Is that actually the guilty gull or have they needlessly blighted the life of an innocent gull by plastering its  photo all over their article?


----------



## andysays (Feb 22, 2021)

kabbes said:


> Is that actually the guilty gull or have they needlessly blighted the life of an innocent gull by plastering its  photo all over their article?


Should have obscured its face the same way they've done with the alleged human offender.


----------



## bellaozzydog (Feb 22, 2021)

Plymouth, this is why I can’t live there any more, absolute war zone 









						Woman soaked by angry man with a watering can
					

Bookshop owner Peter Churcher claimed he was only watering his plants - but a court heard he was living in 'fantasy land'




					www.plymouthherald.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Feb 23, 2021)

Police dog finds suspect 'attempting to be a tree' in neighbour's garden after burglary at luxury housing development
					

A West Yorkshire Police dog found the suspect of a burglary making 'poor attempts' to be a tree in a garden neighbouring the location of the incident.




					www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 23, 2021)

Suffolk man had sex with 450 tractors | Suffolk Gazette
					

A Suffolk man with a bizarre sexual attraction to tractors has been banned from the countryside and forced to sign the sex-offenders' register.




					www.suffolkgazette.com


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 23, 2021)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Suffolk man had sex with 450 tractors | Suffolk Gazette
> 
> 
> A Suffolk man with a bizarre sexual attraction to tractors has been banned from the countryside and forced to sign the sex-offenders' register.
> ...



That was a serious WTF? moment, before noticing it's a satire site.


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Feb 23, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> That was a serious WTF? moment, before noticing it's a satire site.


----------



## Orang Utan (Feb 23, 2021)

Bahnhof Strasse said:


> Suffolk man had sex with 450 tractors | Suffolk Gazette
> 
> 
> A Suffolk man with a bizarre sexual attraction to tractors has been banned from the countryside and forced to sign the sex-offenders' register.
> ...


Paging moomoo


----------



## neonwilderness (Feb 26, 2021)

Skateboarder 'kicked in balls' by neighbour who objected to his 'noisy' stunts
					

Police have now 'given words of advice' to the neighbour




					www.stokesentinel.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Feb 27, 2021)

One for cupid_stunt and the Worthing pot holers more than anything Misspelled No Entry road sign: Essex council sees funny side


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Mar 5, 2021)

Bloody hell...









						Major rescue operation after quad bike rider falls into 60 foot sinkhole
					

EMERGENCY services were called out after a quad bike rider fell 60 foot into a sinkhole.




					www.nwemail.co.uk


----------



## Indeliblelink (Mar 7, 2021)

Rap music accidentally played during mass in Donegal church
					

A video stream of mass in Kincasslagh Parish Co Donegal, captured the moment loud rap music was played over the church's speakers.




					www.independent.ie
				



Good, might improve their numbers


----------



## hitmouse (Mar 8, 2021)

"Do you know Father Ward over in Donegal, Father? I hear he's one of these awfully modern priests they have nowadays..."


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 11, 2021)

Further demonstrating how few reporters my local rag has now, and how desperate they are to put any old shite on their website.









						Long queues at tips in Worthing and Littlehampton – in pictures
					

Photos taken at the tips in Worthing and Littlehampton earlier this week show long queues, as sites across the county experience high demand.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk
				




Who the fuck wants to see EIGHT photos of cars queuing?     

And, this one, I am scared to click on. 

This book is "guaranteed to get people excited about their vegetables"


----------



## seeformiles (Mar 11, 2021)

Teacher claims he was 'dad dancing' not humping cutout of the Pope
					

Andrew Jones said the unplanned charity video went "horribly wrong" after pupils used religious items and equipment used for sex education classes



					www.walesonline.co.uk


----------



## Maggot (Mar 11, 2021)




----------



## not-bono-ever (Mar 15, 2021)

Footage shows dozens of people doing the ‘Hokey Cokey’ in Sussex park
					

Dozens of people have been pictured holding hands and doing the Hokey Cokey in a Sussex park.




					www.chichester.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 15, 2021)

not-bono-ever said:


> Footage shows dozens of people doing the ‘Hokey Cokey’ in Sussex park
> 
> 
> Dozens of people have been pictured holding hands and doing the Hokey Cokey in a Sussex park.
> ...



Woah, the hokey covid
Woah, the hokey covid
Woah, the hokey covid
Knees bent
Arms stretched
Ra-ra-ra


----------



## seeformiles (Mar 15, 2021)

not-bono-ever said:


> Footage shows dozens of people doing the ‘Hokey Cokey’ in Sussex park
> 
> 
> Dozens of people have been pictured holding hands and doing the Hokey Cokey in a Sussex park.
> ...



In 1995 my home town set a World Record for a mass Hokey Cokey in the local park as part of VE Day celebrations (chest swells with civic pride..😎)


----------



## danny la rouge (Mar 15, 2021)

“Failed micropigs!”









						20 stone pig lives in 3-bedroom house after being sold as a micropig
					

A 15-year-old girl and her parents got more than they bargained for when they bought Francisco on Instagram, now he lives in a Lanarkshire sanctuary with other 'failed micropigs'.




					www.glasgowlive.co.uk


----------



## MrSki (Mar 22, 2021)




----------



## MrSki (Mar 22, 2021)




----------



## Orang Utan (Mar 22, 2021)

MrSki said:


>


----------



## Calamity1971 (Mar 22, 2021)

Don't tell them your name Pike ..
Sunderland burglar left his name and address at crime scene


----------



## two sheds (Mar 22, 2021)

literally


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 26, 2021)

I was watching an old episode of Room 101, and someone wanted to put local TV news in Room 101, because it's simply not local enough to be relevant.

That gave Frank Skinner the chance to take the piss out of local newspaper photographs having to tell the whole story, as if their readers can't read, here's the 4 examples -



*Heavily pregnant woman refused bus travel because she had too many 5p pieces.*



*Man discovers 21 inch, 3 & half pound cucumber in his greenhouse.*



*Hoteliers complain about noise levels for north pier, Blackpool.*

And, here's a classic that regularly comes up...



*Residents warns someone will be seriously injured on pot holed road.*


----------



## andysays (Mar 26, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> I was watching an old episode of Room 101, and someone wanted to put local TV news in Room 101, because it's simply not local enough to be relevant.
> 
> That gave Frank Skinner the chance to take the piss out of local newspaper photographs having to tell the whole story, as if their readers can't read, here's the 4 examples -
> 
> ...


It's easy to take the piss, but those are all actually pretty good photos which illustrate their respective stories simply and succinctly.

And I bet the photographer didn't have their lens hood on backwards either...


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 26, 2021)

andysays said:


> It's easy to take the piss, but those are all actually pretty good photos which illustrate their respective stories simply and succinctly.



Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, this thread is about taking the piss.


----------



## andysays (Mar 26, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, this thread is about taking the piss.


I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't take the piss, I realise everyone needs a fun hobby, especially in these difficult times.

Plus I wanted to get a reference to lens hoods in somewhere and this seemed like an ideal opportunity.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 26, 2021)

Meanwhile in Worthing...



> A BIZARRE billboard advertising luxury seafront apartments has left passers-by scratching their heads - as it appears to show a young woman who has collapsed.
> 
> But a giant billboard in front of the apartment block, displaying an artist's impression of the development, hides a macabre scene at its centre.
> 
> Those looking closely at the artist's rendering of a bustling seafront showing people going about their day, can see a seemingly unconscious young woman.







> The young red-headed woman with a pink top is seen lying motionless on her back with a young man and woman leaning over her.
> 
> The out-of-place image, right in the middle of the billboard, is made even more bizarre by the fact that all the other people on the advert are simply going about their lives as if nothing is wrong.







> And the strange scene has left viewers of the billboard scratching their heads - or laughing out loud.
> 
> After a video of the billboard was shared on TikTok, one person commented: "I used to live right next to that and I thought the same thing."
> 
> ...













						Billboards advertising new luxury seafront flats show a woman who has collapsed
					

A BIZARRE billboard advertising luxury seafront apartments has left passers-by scratching their heads - as it appears to show a young woman who has…




					www.theargus.co.uk


----------



## dessiato (Mar 26, 2021)

That is a strange advert. I wonder who approved it and what they were thinking.


----------



## petee (Mar 26, 2021)

"Give me the cats and nobody gets hurt."









						Calumet man arraigned on home invasion charges in Houghton County
					

A 52-year-old Calumet man was arrested on charges of home invasion and felonious assault after breaking into another man’s house around 4:15 a.m. Wednesday.




					www.uppermichiganssource.com
				




_According to police, the caller said he awoke to a gun pointed at his head. The caller said the suspect was demanding the two cats at the residence, and actually took one of the cats when he left. Police say it is believed the suspect knew the homeowner._


----------



## prunus (Mar 26, 2021)

petee said:


> "Give me the cats and nobody gets hurt."
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Felineous assault surely.


----------



## dessiato (Mar 30, 2021)

<span style='color:#780948'>ARCHIVED</span> - Police close Seville swingers club for not enforcing social distancing restrictions
					

<span Style='color:#780948'>archived</span> - Police Close Seville Swingers Club For Not Enforcing Social Distancing Restrictions Keep up with the Latest News In English Murcia Costa Calida Spain




					murciatoday.com


----------



## hitmouse (Apr 6, 2021)

Crow theme park to open in Cwmbran
					

A tourist attraction dedicated to crows is opening in Cwmbran. The South Wales town means Crow Valley/ Valley of the




					www.cwmbranlife.co.uk
				






> Leigh Brandon told Cwmbran Life the number of crows starring in hit movies had inspired her idea.  She decided Cwmbran would be the perfect location after spotting the link during a Google search...
> 
> She said: “I’m a movie buff and it struck me how these beautiful birds crop up in films of every genre. People love crows, people love movies...  The crow is the unsung hero of the film world and Cwmbran is going to change that."


----------



## Lorca (Apr 6, 2021)

I'd be well up for visiting a Crow theme park fwiw


----------



## muscovyduck (Apr 6, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> Teacher claims he was 'dad dancing' not humping cutout of the Pope
> 
> 
> Andrew Jones said the unplanned charity video went "horribly wrong" after pupils used religious items and equipment used for sex education classes
> ...



This article is so confusing!


----------



## Badgers (Apr 6, 2021)

These Scenic Rim Jobs could help you discover your new passion | Boing Boing
					

If you’ve ever wanted to live and work in the scenic Scenic Rim region of Queensland, Australia, this could be your chance! According to the official Scenic Rim Jobs website: Science Rim Jobs…



					boingboing.net


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 6, 2021)

Rim Jobs.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Apr 7, 2021)

But for the grace of God....

*Firefighters rescue person stuck in play park swing in Kirkby Lonsdale*


----------



## dessiato (Apr 7, 2021)

pseudonarcissus said:


> But for the grace of God....
> 
> *Firefighters rescue person stuck in play park swing in Kirkby Lonsdale*


I’ve been stuck in a swing, friends managed to get me out. No long term embarrassment.


----------



## petee (Apr 8, 2021)

i know pothole-pointers are popular here ...


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Apr 10, 2021)

pseudonarcissus said:


> But for the grace of God....
> 
> *Firefighters rescue person stuck in play park swing in Kirkby Lonsdale*



*UPDATE*

The Gazette has now managed to get the full story. You were ALL WRONG! It wasn't a pissed-up 20-something male!!

Anyway, there is good advice here from a firefighter, so I will pass it along:

_A teen was treated by paramedics after becoming trapped in a swing for more than two hours.

A 13-year-old girl trapped inside a swing in a play park off Tram Lane in Kirkby Lonsdale had to be freed by firefighters.

Fire crews arrived at about 1.30pm on Tuesday where they discovered the teen had been stuck in a swing designed for toddlers and young children for more than two hours.
Jamie Coward, station manager at Cumbria Fire and Rescue Service, advised the public not to delay calling emergency services if they are in need of assistance.
_
...
_
*“With situations like this, people can feel embarrassed to call the fire service, but it is always better to call us instead of remaining in a difficult situation for a long time.*”
During the incident, an ambulance was called and the 13-year-old was attended to by paramedics for related injuries.
The teen was cut out from the children’s swing using small tools and a hydraulic pedal cutter.
Crews were in attendance for about 45 minutes.
Mr Coward said fire crews had attended a number of callouts of a similar nature over the years.
*“We have attended a fair number of callouts to children's play areas after people have become stuck in equipment,” he said.
“Our advice is don’t put yourself in that position – but if you do, call 999.”*_


----------



## cybershot (Apr 14, 2021)

Couple buy new build next to a massive busy dual carriageway and complain about noise:









						Couple forced to wear earplugs in bed in £325k dream home on busy road
					

Jackie McCormack and her husband rue the day they bought 'dream' home in Coleshill which lies on the busy A446 Lichfield Road




					www.birminghammail.co.uk
				




Couple complaining about dual carriageway noise complain about being trolled.









						Couple who bought 'nightmare' home near busy A446 hit back at trolls
					

James McCormack, who works for Rolls Royce, likened the noise from nearby dual carriageway to the aircraft engines he makes




					www.birminghammail.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 14, 2021)

> Likened to 'living next to a motorway', the thundering of commuting cars and lorries can be heard between 5.30am to 8.30pm, the mum says.



Well, of course it's like 'living next to a motorway', it's a busy bloody dual carriage, not a fucking country lane.


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 14, 2021)

I used to go to school near here - good to know it’s still as classy as I remember 









						Video: X-rated footage of woman stripping outside a Comber bar branded 'disgusting'
					

An X-RATED video filmed outside a Comber bar has been branded “disgusting” by an Alliance MLA who sits on a group tasked with regenerating the town.




					www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 14, 2021)

In a similar vein:









						Teenager makes X-rated joke after getting his hand sliced off by machete
					

His hand was left lying in the street after a gruesome machete attack in Swarcliffe




					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 14, 2021)

That's both 😲 & 🤣


----------



## dessiato (Apr 14, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> I used to go to school near here - good to know it’s still as classy as I remember
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She does have beautiful red hair.


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 14, 2021)

dessiato said:


> She does have beautiful red hair.



That’s a very tactful response🙂


----------



## BigMoaner (Apr 15, 2021)

Hugh Grant spotted in Somerset town 'buying a sausage roll'
					

'He was a very polite and well spoken gentleman'



					www.somersetlive.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 15, 2021)

Not exactly local but probably the best place for it









						Mystery tree beast turns out to be croissant
					

Polish animal welfare officers responding to a call discover the creature is in fact a pastry.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## Buddy Bradley (Apr 15, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> Crow theme park to open in Cwmbran
> 
> 
> A tourist attraction dedicated to crows is opening in Cwmbran. The South Wales town means Crow Valley/ Valley of the
> ...


Surely that's a pisstake - a Crow-themed park run by someone named Leigh Brandon?


----------



## hitmouse (Apr 15, 2021)

pseudonarcissus said:


> *UPDATE*
> 
> The Gazette has now managed to get the full story. You were ALL WRONG! It wasn't a pissed-up 20-something male!!
> 
> ...





Buddy Bradley said:


> Surely that's a pisstake - a Crow-themed park run by someone named Leigh Brandon?


The date made me suspicious as well.   If it is a pisstake, it's quite a subtle/plausible one though.


----------



## Chz (Apr 15, 2021)

Buddy Bradley said:


> Surely that's a pisstake - a Crow-themed park run by someone named Leigh Brandon?





> April 1, 2021


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 19, 2021)

Cracking headline. 









						Radio station breached code with prolonged sexual moaning on school run
					

Radio bosses claimed the moans "maybe due to having a nice back massage"




					www.walesonline.co.uk


----------



## hitmouse (Apr 19, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> Cracking headline.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Disappointed to learn that it was a song that caused offence, not just a DJ having a very good morning.


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 19, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> Cracking headline.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



“There are no lyrics in the song, just a sound effect of a lady sighing and moaning, maybe due to having a nice back massage”

🤣🤣


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 19, 2021)

Haha. I was playing that one Saturday afternoon when I worked in Our Price and an old woman scolded me for broadcasting such filth


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 19, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> “There are no lyrics in the song, just a sound effect of a lady sighing and moaning, maybe due to having a nice back massage”
> 
> 🤣🤣



Yeah, that quote is from the station manager, Peter Moore, he's a very funny guy.


----------



## two sheds (Apr 19, 2021)

It is 1967 and that track is Je t'aime and I claim my £5


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 19, 2021)

two sheds said:


> It is 1967 and that track is Je t'aime and I claim my £5



Nope, it's 1989 and French Kiss by L'il Louis, a lot more 'full on'.


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 19, 2021)

Wicked record:


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 19, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> Nope, it's 1989 and French Kiss by L'il Louis, a lot more 'full on'.



I bought the 12” of that and the follow up “I Called U” from Affleck’s Palace about that time (bowl cuts and Inspiral Carpets T-shirts everywhere..)


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 20, 2021)

Not local, but bloody weird.









						Covid: UK town crier championships to be held in silence
					

This year's British Town Crier Championships will be judged only on the quality of written entries.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 20, 2021)

In the age of the plague, next up...









						Your office has been taken over by an army of mutant rats
					

During lockdown, super-resistant rats took over city centres and have nested in office buildings. They’re here to stay




					www.wired.co.uk


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 20, 2021)

Fury after Morrisons wouldn't sell couple meat pies before 9am
					

The meat pies were within sniffing distance - but staff told Linda and Tony Gilkes at 8.45am they could not be sold for another 15 minutes




					www.gazettelive.co.uk


----------



## spudulike (Apr 20, 2021)

Just a few miles away from spuduland in 2006 we had Pensioner's cow sex shame

Which could be a misleading headline, as nowhere does it mention the pensioner was ashamed.


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 20, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> Fury after Morrisons wouldn't sell couple meat pies before 9am
> 
> 
> The meat pies were within sniffing distance - but staff told Linda and Tony Gilkes at 8.45am they could not be sold for another 15 minutes
> ...



“There’s more to this,” he said. “Morrisons have got their own agenda” 😈


----------



## dessiato (Apr 20, 2021)

The Morrison story is about three years old, and was posted here ages ago.

eta April 16, 2018 by a_chap


----------



## Orang Utan (Apr 20, 2021)

dessiato said:


> The Morrison story is about three years old, and was posted here ages ago.


no matter. it's not a requirement for it to be topical and up to date.It's hilarious. Love the press' use of the word 'fury' to indicate that someone has merely been mildly inconvenienced.


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 22, 2021)

Dream job 🙂









						Italian hospital employee accused of skipping work for 15 years
					

The hospital worker in southern Italy earned €538,000 while not going into work, media say.



					www.bbc.co.uk
				




(ETA Already posted on the Bandwidth thread but will leave it here anyway)


----------



## 19force8 (Apr 22, 2021)




----------



## 19force8 (Apr 23, 2021)

From this weekends New Hampshire Union Leader:


At least nobody died in this one


----------



## petee (Apr 25, 2021)

19force8 said:


> View attachment 264405











						The best headlines from The Betoota Advocate
					

To celebrate the dawning of Clancy Overell and Errol Parker's stage debut, we took a look at some of our favourite The Betoota Advoate headlines.




					www.google.com


----------



## hitmouse (Apr 27, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> Fury after Morrisons wouldn't sell couple meat pies before 9am
> 
> 
> The meat pies were within sniffing distance - but staff told Linda and Tony Gilkes at 8.45am they could not be sold for another 15 minutes
> ...


A great selection of related stories there:


----------



## 19force8 (Apr 30, 2021)

Nicked from Twitter so I don't know the original which was probably decades ago, but still funny as fuck:


----------



## seeformiles (May 1, 2021)

19force8 said:


> Nicked from Twitter so I don't know the original which was probably decades ago, but still funny as fuck:
> 
> View attachment 265796



Here’s more detail:









						Last Jews in Afghanistan argued so much the Taliban kicked them out of prison
					

Zabulon Simentov and Yitzhak Levi rowed with each other so intensely that their Islamist captors let them go




					jewishnews.timesofisrael.com


----------



## MathFabMathonwy (May 3, 2021)




----------



## two sheds (May 3, 2021)

We've had this one, it wasn't altogether popular


----------



## seeformiles (May 4, 2021)

Presumably this is to meet the demand from Bill Gates for for his global vaccination/tracking 5G plot? 









						Inside a microchip factory racing to meet demand
					

Katie Silver tours a microchip factory in Singapore racing to meet demand amid a global shortage.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (May 7, 2021)

From Popbitch:









						Nashville Police Identify Man Who Was Arrested For Swinging Colostomy Bag At Kid Rock’s Bar
					

A RIFF on what country is really about.




					www.whiskeyriff.com


----------



## existentialist (May 7, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> A great selection of related stories there:
> View attachment 265235


All of those local news sites are probably the shittest things on the Internet, with their relentless feed of shit clickbait ads, horrible formatting, and interminable loading times.

It's almost as if they want to discourage people from using them...


----------



## hitmouse (May 7, 2021)

existentialist said:


> All of those local news sites are probably the shittest things on the Internet, with their relentless feed of shit clickbait ads, horrible formatting, and interminable loading times.
> 
> It's almost as if they want to discourage people from using them...


Would you like an autoplaying video to go with that?


----------



## existentialist (May 7, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> Would you like an autoplaying video to go with that?


Several, if possible!


----------



## MrSki (May 10, 2021)




----------



## seeformiles (May 10, 2021)




----------



## MrSki (May 11, 2021)

People queue for Argyle season tickets instead of Covid jabs
					

Plymouth Argyle season tickets went on sale on Monday, which resulted in an accidental 'convergence of the two queues at Home Park'




					www.plymouthherald.co.uk


----------



## Orang Utan (May 11, 2021)

MrSki said:


> People queue for Argyle season tickets instead of Covid jabs
> 
> 
> Plymouth Argyle season tickets went on sale on Monday, which resulted in an accidental 'convergence of the two queues at Home Park'
> ...


Still, it’s a shot in the arm for Argyle’s finances


----------



## hitmouse (May 12, 2021)

Another of those headlines I really want to hear Chris Morris reading out:








						First look at new bakery set to open in Essex (and it is just for dogs!)
					

A bakery just for dogs is set to open at an Essex shopping centre.




					www.thurrockgazette.co.uk


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (May 12, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> Another of those headlines I really want to hear Chris Morris reading out:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



There is an ice cream parlour for dogs near me. Never seen a dog in there, has to be money laundering or the worst business idea ever.


----------



## BoatieBird (May 13, 2021)

Northampton woman, 78, slams council over 'nightmare' grass waste outside home
					

"Get your bloomin' fingers out and do something about it. Give us something for our money."




					www.northamptonchron.co.uk
				




Quality pointing Anne


----------



## hitmouse (May 13, 2021)

Fair play to Anne, she's definitely leading by example when it comes to getting your fingers out.


----------



## two sheds (May 13, 2021)

Tbf if she hadn't pointed I wouldn't have realized what the fuck she was complaining about. Not sure I do even though she _is_ pointing.


----------



## prunus (May 13, 2021)

two sheds said:


> Tbf if she hadn't pointed I wouldn't have realized what the fuck she was complaining about. Not sure I do even though she _is_ pointing.



I had to read it.
She doesn’t like the grass cuttings being left to mulch down into the lawn and wants them collected.


----------



## two sheds (May 13, 2021)

I'd sue


----------



## JimW (May 13, 2021)

Mulch ado about something.


----------



## MrSki (May 13, 2021)




----------



## JimW (May 13, 2021)

MrSki said:


>


Pointer sisters?


----------



## MrSki (May 14, 2021)




----------



## petee (May 15, 2021)

https://kfor.com/news/national/k9-bites-cow-sc-deputy-tases-k9-cow-kicks-deputy/
		


*K9 bites cow, deputy Tases K9, cow kicks deputy*


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 15, 2021)

Headline -

*My Policeman: Builder's bum seen amid Harry Styles filming*









						Cracking news! Police box spotted in the city amid Harry Styles filming
					

A POLICE box has been spotted in the city amid Harry Styles filming for a new movie.




					www.theargus.co.uk
				






Spoiler: Builder's bum photo...


----------



## hitmouse (May 17, 2021)

petee said:


> https://kfor.com/news/national/k9-bites-cow-sc-deputy-tases-k9-cow-kicks-deputy/
> 
> 
> 
> *K9 bites cow, deputy Tases K9, cow kicks deputy*


Not my joke, but as others pointed out elsewhere: the new version of rock, paper, scissors sounds great.


----------



## Indeliblelink (May 17, 2021)




----------



## hitmouse (May 17, 2021)

Crow steals Booker prize nominated author's wallet and takes it to top of tree
					

A BOOKER prize nominated author found himself out of pocket after a crow stole his wallet from his trousers and flew up with it into a tree while he…




					www.falmouthpacket.co.uk
				




Sadly no picture of Wyl Menmuir pointing at a crow or even his wallet.


----------



## hitmouse (May 17, 2021)

Thinking about it, that crow story could probably qualify for the folk horror thread as well.


----------



## Voley (May 17, 2021)

Ed Church at Cornwall Live is the fucking master.

'Truro Wetherspoon opens for first time in months but no one seems to care.'









						Truro Spoons opens for first time in months but no one seems to care
					

The pub company's only Truro boozer swung open its doors this morning, but it wasn't exactly met with a stampede



					www.cornwalllive.com


----------



## editor (May 19, 2021)

Man with box on head spotted on Somerset road yet again
					

He was seen waving at locals as they drove past




					www.somersetlive.co.uk


----------



## editor (May 19, 2021)




----------



## Puddy_Tat (May 19, 2021)

Bromley mum orders white engagement cake, instead receives 'inflamed, red boil'
					

A Bromley mum’s celebration of her son’s engagement took an unexpected turn when the surprise cake arrived looking like an “inflamed, pussy…




					www.newsshopper.co.uk


----------



## Orang Utan (May 19, 2021)

editor said:


> View attachment 269073
> 
> 
> 
> ...


perhaps he's a rug dealer


----------



## Yossarian (May 19, 2021)

Box man could be another candidate for the folk horror thread.


----------



## hitmouse (May 19, 2021)

Still, as men with things on their heads in local newspapers go, he's no man walking down Bristol street with musical shed on his head that blasts fire out of the chimney.


----------



## hitmouse (May 19, 2021)

Wait, is Bristol the same place as Somerset nowdays? Sounds like there could be some kind of a trend going on down there:


> A man was pictured with a bag on his head on the A37 back in 2020, and locals said then they had enjoyed a chuckle.


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (May 19, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> Still, as men with things on their heads in local newspapers go, he's no man walking down Bristol street with musical shed on his head that blasts fire out of the chimney.


😄 Doesn't everybody do that?


----------



## PTK (May 21, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> Crow steals Booker prize nominated author's wallet and takes it to top of tree
> 
> 
> A BOOKER prize nominated author found himself out of pocket after a crow stole his wallet from his trousers and flew up with it into a tree while he…
> ...


"Did you spend all your money in the betting shop again?"
"You won't believe this, but a crow stole my wallet."


----------



## petee (May 22, 2021)

"The winning names were Bin Diesel, Truck Norris, Recyclosaurus Rex, Bruce Springclean, Trash Gordon, Chitty Chitty Bin Bin, and Trucky McTruckface"
😁









						'Trucky McTruckface' christened as one of Lower Hutt's seven new recycling trucks - NZ Herald
					

When you ask Lower Hutt to think of the trashiest names ever, they don't disappoint.




					www.nzherald.co.nz


----------



## Maggot (May 23, 2021)

Creepy Martin Bashir did my ironing to lure me into interview
					

Karen Roche-Pearson claims Martin Bashir is a 'nasty piece of work' who 'totally lied' to her




					www.hulldailymail.co.uk


----------



## mx wcfc (May 23, 2021)

Maggot said:


> Creepy Martin Bashir did my ironing to lure me into interview
> 
> 
> Karen Roche-Pearson claims Martin Bashir is a 'nasty piece of work' who 'totally lied' to her
> ...


I assumed that was a spoof account, till I got all the Reach pop ups.


----------



## MrSki (May 24, 2021)




----------



## cupid_stunt (May 24, 2021)

I want to see a picture of this sex-bedroom.


----------



## hitmouse (May 24, 2021)

Obligatory:


----------



## Artaxerxes (May 25, 2021)




----------



## petee (May 26, 2021)

Person drunk texts thought-provoking questions to SC Aquarium's educational number
					

CHARLESTON, S. C. (WCIV) — The bottle appeared to open up one Lowcountry resident's mind as they drunkenly texted a series of deep questions to the South Carolina Aquarium's educational number. The aquarium shared a screenshot on Monday afternoon showing the conversation between the inquisitive...




					local21news.com


----------



## MrSki (May 26, 2021)




----------



## chandlerp (May 26, 2021)

Should have told him to button it


----------



## chandlerp (May 26, 2021)

Was he getting some flak?


----------



## andysays (May 26, 2021)

Sounds like he was bombed...


----------



## Steel Icarus (May 26, 2021)

Something something under a vest I dunno I'm supposed to be working


----------



## DotCommunist (May 26, 2021)

he was coating his coat off


----------



## editor (May 27, 2021)

> Residents of a Derby suburb are upset about a hair salon opening on their street, one saying that the small business will ruin the area.
> 
> Samantha Stokes set up the salon in her garage on Quarn Drive, in Allestree in March 2020, at the start of the pandemic when forced to downsize and now wants to make the move permanent.
> 
> But her neighbours are unhappy, saying that the salon would mean increased noise levels, more traffic and more footfall, and arguing that the city centre is a better place for a salon.





> Locals are "shocked" by the suggested opening hours, which under council plans would be 10am - 6pm on Monday to Friday, and 9am - 5pm on Saturdays.





> “They might have got around it legally, but it’s morally very wrong.”











						New hair salon in residential street angers neighbours
					

It has been operating from a converted domestic garage in Derby




					www.derbytelegraph.co.uk


----------



## Steel Icarus (May 27, 2021)

"morally wrong" lol
Look at that silly old cunt on the left there


----------



## two sheds (May 27, 2021)

Couldn't even find a pothole to point at


----------



## seeformiles (May 27, 2021)

editor said:


> View attachment 270449
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Miserable bastards - their very way of life is at stake here.... 🙄


----------



## MathFabMathonwy (May 28, 2021)




----------



## seeformiles (May 28, 2021)

This one manages to combine potholes and porn









						Crude message criticising patchwork road mentions porn website
					

A CRUDE message criticising a patchwork road and mentioning a porn website has appeared in a Bradford village.




					www.thetelegraphandargus.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 28, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> This one manages to combine potholes and porn
> 
> 
> 
> ...





> The message reads: “Have seen holes filled in better on Pornhub”.
> 
> It is on a patch of road that is littered with uneven spots of tarmac where attempts have been made to repair potholes.
> 
> ...







> But there are those who have raised concerns about the fact the crude words are situated right outside a nursery and described the perpetrator as “irresponsible”.



Not sure nursery age kids are likely to get it, TBH.


----------



## andysays (May 28, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> Not sure nursery age kids are likely to get it, TBH.


Kids are pretty precocious these days.

It was probably one of them who wrote it.


----------



## cupid_stunt (May 28, 2021)

andysays said:


> Kids are pretty precocious these days.
> 
> It was probably one of them who wrote it.



Yeah, but not a nursery age kid!


----------



## hitmouse (May 30, 2021)

Manchester theatre accidentally thanks entire mailing list for sponsoring a bee
					

'Oh beehive, it was a hornets mistake…'




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk


----------



## hitmouse (May 30, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> This one manages to combine potholes and porn
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Points to the Bradford T&A for "The scornful and uncouth words" there.


----------



## Orang Utan (May 31, 2021)

Police hunt heavily armed former soldier in south-west France
					

Residents in Le Lardin-Saint-Lazare in the Dordogne told to stay indoors during hunt for convict




					www.theguardian.com
				



Is his name Rimbaud?


----------



## Steel Icarus (May 31, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> Police hunt heavily armed former soldier in south-west France
> 
> 
> Residents in Le Lardin-Saint-Lazare in the Dordogne told to stay indoors during hunt for convict
> ...


_I'll give you a Loire you won't believe_


----------



## existentialist (May 31, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> Not sure nursery age kids are likely to get it, TBH.


----------



## seeformiles (Jun 2, 2021)

The groundwork has already be done with regard to bad puns but improving upon them should be a pizza cake for Urbs 🙂

Tomato puree spillage closes A14 in Cambridgeshire


----------



## andysays (Jun 2, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> The groundwork has already be done with regard to bad puns but improving upon them should be a pizza cake for Urbs 🙂
> 
> Tomato puree spillage closes A14 in Cambridgeshire


Doesn't mention if the driver was caught red handed...


----------



## JimW (Jun 2, 2021)

Dashcam footage points to the American driver hitting a petrol spill, as his last words before the accident were, "Gas patch...oh!"


----------



## quiet guy (Jun 3, 2021)

Typical local blowing things out of all proportions


----------



## seeformiles (Jun 3, 2021)

quiet guy said:


> View attachment 271649
> Typical local blowing things out of all proportions



To hell in a handcart…..


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 4, 2021)

This made me smile. 

D'oh! - giant Homer Simpson rescued from roof by firefighters after being stolen.



> GIANT models of The Simpsons were rescued by the emergency services after being reported stolen.
> 
> Photos show huge figurines of the cartoon family being hoisted down from above a property in Worthing.
> 
> Firefighters were spotted on Brighton Road climbing up a ladder to reach Homer and Marge. Police were also called to the scene - with onlookers applauding the unusual rescue effort.










> He told the Argus: "We were just having breakfast and the police arrived and started pointing up.
> 
> "They waited for about ten minutes before the fire brigade turned up and started taking all the figures down.
> 
> ...



I certainly would have joined in the cheering.


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Jun 4, 2021)




----------



## 1927 (Jun 5, 2021)

Noah’s Ark unseaworthy! 'Unseaworthy' Noah's Ark replica detained at Ipswich Waterfront


----------



## seeformiles (Jun 5, 2021)

Masked man who tried to hold up post office foiled after Yorkshire employee told him to go away
					

A masked man from Yorkshire who tried to hold up a post office was foiled after an employee told him to go away, a court heard.




					www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk


----------



## Johnny Doe (Jun 6, 2021)




----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 7, 2021)

OW MUCH?








						"Slowly recovering": Dad from Yorkshire "to access therapy" after spending £54 on fish and chips in London
					

A Yorkshire dad is "trying to access therapy" after spending £54 on fish and chips in London, his son joked on Twitter.




					www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk


----------



## Shechemite (Jun 7, 2021)

Dear god! Satan's Slaves raise hundreds for Care for Kids North Devon


----------



## seeformiles (Jun 7, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> OW MUCH?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Isn’t an “Ow Much?” a collective noun for Yorkshire folk? 😉


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Jun 7, 2021)

no pothole pointing, but I liked this story









						Clever spaniel from United Utilities detects leak threatening water supply
					

A TALENTED pooch has been rewarded for sniffing out a leak that threatened the water supply to a small hamlet.




					www.thewestmorlandgazette.co.uk


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jun 10, 2021)

Woman charged with theft of a pebble from Aldeburgh beach
					

A daytripper has been fined £75 after removing a single pebble from Aldeburgh beach and taking it home as a keepsake.




					www.suffolkgazette.com
				



Oh hang on, that's one of those local news parody sites.


----------



## hitmouse (Jun 15, 2021)

Aggressive crows damaging cars and property in Derby suburb
					

The crows have been named Ronnie and Reggie after the criminal Kray twins




					www.derbytelegraph.co.uk


----------



## hitmouse (Jun 16, 2021)

I suppose you could call it...a bee MW?








						Thousands of bees swarmed on a BMW outside a city centre office
					

"There is a bee keeper at the moment trying to get them all into a box which is hilarious"




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk


----------



## dessiato (Jun 16, 2021)

BBC News - Spanish man jailed for killing and eating his mother








						Spanish man jailed for killing and eating his mother
					

The 28-year-old was arrested after body parts of his mother were found scattered in her Madrid flat.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## petee (Jun 17, 2021)

what i see in the video doesn't qualify as a frenzy, imo









						Trash Bag of Pot Flung Off NYC Roof Scatters on Sidewalk, Leading to Frenzy
					

A garbage bag allegedly full of pot that was flung off a Brooklyn rooftop in an apparent sale gone bad scattered onto the sidewalk, sending pedestrians scrambling to pick up marijuana earlier this month, police say.




					www.nbcnewyork.com


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jun 17, 2021)

I watched a man dance with a firework up his bum and I loved every minute of it
					

HAVE you ever been heading home after an evening at the pub with friends, family, or colleagues and thought 'I fancy watching a man dance to There's…




					www.theargus.co.uk


----------



## Badgers (Jun 21, 2021)




----------



## Lazy Llama (Jun 21, 2021)

Badgers said:


>



Doesn't seem very local? Wrong forum?


----------



## Shechemite (Jun 25, 2021)




----------



## Spanner (Jun 26, 2021)

MadeInBedlam said:


> View attachment 275234


Big news for a small community


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Jun 30, 2021)

“Frozen Rio - city registers the lowest temperatures in 4 years”. It’s currently 18C, might from to 16 (61 in old money). I’ll be sure to wrap up warm 🥶


----------



## hash tag (Jul 7, 2021)

What happened to social distancing?








						Police probe noise complaints after swingers festival in Lincolnshire village
					

A few nearby residents weren't happy with the noise




					thelincolnite.co.uk


----------



## Shechemite (Jul 7, 2021)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 9, 2021)

The problem is too big for just pointing at, so the other classic local rag genre of hand gesturing is in play.   



And, classic buck-passing to boot...



> The Herald approached the borough council and was told the patch of land was transferred to Worthing Homes in 1999.
> 
> It then went to Worthing Homes, which said West Sussex County Council was now responsible for it.
> 
> A county council spokesman said: “This patch of land has been added to our grass cutting schedule and it will be cut next time we are in the area, which should be within the next fortnight, weather dependent.”











						Worthing childcare worker’s frustration over ‘eyesore’ patch of grass left uncut for three years
					

A Worthing childcare worker has said an overgrown patch of grass outside her house has not been cut for three years.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk


----------



## existentialist (Jul 9, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> The problem is too big for just pointing at, so the other classic local rag genre of hand gesturing is in play.
> 
> View attachment 277668
> 
> ...


I think it looks rather nice. Like a meadow. Shame about that person standing in front of it, spoiling the view.


----------



## mx wcfc (Jul 9, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> The problem is too big for just pointing at, so the other classic local rag genre of hand gesturing is in play.
> 
> View attachment 277668
> 
> ...


Round here, people (rightly) complain to the local rag when the council do cut grass and verges - that grass has been supporting wildlife. And it does look nice.


----------



## hash tag (Jul 9, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> The problem is too big for just pointing at, so the other classic local rag genre of hand gesturing is in play.
> 
> View attachment 277668
> 
> ...


exactly what mx wcfc said; it is great for wildlife. The alternative is pesticides and weedkillers which kill wildlife and children!


----------



## andysays (Jul 9, 2021)

hash tag said:


> exactly what mx wcfc said; it is great for wildlife. The alternative is pesticides and weedkillers which kill wildlife and children!


It may be great for wildlife, but it's not necessarily the ideal place to create a long-grass wildlife area, particularly if there are no other short grass areas where children can play.

Using pesticides around the edges as the story mentions is obviously problematic, but council grounds maintenance services have been cut right back over the years, to the extent where there often simply aren't the necessary staff to maintain everything properly, whether that's as short grass play areas or longer grass wildlife areas - even the latter have to be managed to some extent.


----------



## hash tag (Jul 9, 2021)

That a whole different debate. Councils funding cut backs, councils going broke, my own wealthy area council preferring to cut services rather than increase council tax......


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 9, 2021)

FFS, I posted that as a piss-take of the classic local rag photo genre, not for a bloody discussion about grass cutting.   

It's not a bloody verge, it's a small patch of grass, which used to be maintained, surrounded by houses on 3-sides, where young kids used to play, which is important in an urban borough that happens to have less green public space per head of population than anywhere else in the UK.

There's plenty of fucking space for wildlife, just over a mile north from there, called the South Downs National Park.


----------



## two sheds (Jul 9, 2021)

yeh what about the butterflies though? what you going to do with them?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 9, 2021)

two sheds said:


> yeh what about the butterflies though? what you going to do with them?



They can fly north, just like the seagulls should fuck off in a southerly direction.


----------



## hash tag (Jul 9, 2021)

Butterflies like the sun. They will prefer the south.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 9, 2021)

hash tag said:


> Butterflies like the sun. They will prefer the south.



The South Downs National Park is only about one mile north, it has plenty of sun.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 9, 2021)

What I don't get, is that space was part of the council house development, which the borough council transferred into their housing association.

How the fuck did they, Worthing Homes, off load the maintenance to the county council?  🤷‍♂️


----------



## two sheds (Jul 9, 2021)

hash tag said:


> Butterflies like the sun. They will prefer the south.


Butterflies do like the sun. They will prefer being where they are.


----------



## 1927 (Jul 9, 2021)

two sheds said:


> Butterflies do like the sun. They will prefer being where they are.


They could go back to wherever they were before the grass got so long !


----------



## two sheds (Jul 9, 2021)

In amongst the short grass


----------



## existentialist (Jul 9, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> FFS, I posted that as a piss-take of the classic local rag photo genre, not for a bloody discussion about grass cutting.
> 
> It's not a bloody verge, it's a small patch of grass, which used to be maintained, surrounded by houses on 3-sides, where young kids used to play, which is important in an urban borough that happens to have less green public space per head of population than anywhere else in the UK.
> 
> There's plenty of fucking space for wildlife, just over a mile north from there, called the South Downs National Park.


FREE THE WORTHING GRASSES


----------



## existentialist (Jul 9, 2021)

hash tag said:


> exactly what mx wcfc said; it is great for wildlife. The alternative is pesticides and weedkillers which kill wildlife and children!


I think that what West Worthing Council has basically done here is to kick the issue into the long grass. Lucky they had some, eh?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 9, 2021)

existentialist said:


> I think that what West Worthing Council has basically done here is to kick the issue into the long grass. Lucky they had some, eh?



There's no such thing as 'West Worthing Council', now off you fuck.


----------



## existentialist (Jul 9, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> There's no such thing as 'West Worthing Council', now off you fuck.


There will be.........


----------



## hash tag (Jul 9, 2021)

Worthing cultivate grass. Man. ✌️🤟


----------



## MrSki (Jul 9, 2021)

hash tag said:


> Worthing cultivate grass. Man. ✌️🤟


The whole of the UK should be cultivating weed. Especially Hemel Hempstead.


----------



## brogdale (Jul 10, 2021)

Topical.


----------



## prunus (Jul 10, 2021)

brogdale said:


> Topical.
> 
> View attachment 277851


I mean - no.


----------



## quiet guy (Jul 10, 2021)

brogdale said:


> Topical.
> 
> View attachment 277851


Do they have a white stick or a guide dog?


----------



## petee (Jul 10, 2021)

Do not publish: Please delete
					

afafafafafa




					www.walesonline.co.uk


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Jul 11, 2021)

quiet guy said:


> Do they have a white stick or a guide dog?


Or a guide dog who uses a white stick


----------



## UrbaneFox (Jul 11, 2021)

It's the waistcoat.


----------



## Raheem (Jul 11, 2021)

UrbaneFox said:


> It's the waistcoat.


So people are coming up to him and saying "You're wearing a waistcoat like Gareth Southgate does"?


----------



## 1927 (Jul 11, 2021)

petee said:


> Do not publish: Please delete
> 
> 
> afafafafafa
> ...


Actually the quality of reporting there is well above the usual WalesOnline standards.


----------



## 1927 (Jul 11, 2021)

UrbaneFox said:


> It's the waistcoat.


And I’m sure he isn’t just wearing that for the photo! 🤣


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jul 16, 2021)

Australian Prime Minister Says He Didn't Shit His Pants at McDonald's in 1997
					

The announcement came as Australia's covid-19 crisis gets worse thanks to low vaccination rates.




					gizmodo.com


----------



## Cerv (Jul 16, 2021)

looks like someone tried to make the headline family friendly but failed


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Jul 17, 2021)

Indeliblelink said:


> Australian Prime Minister Says He Didn't Shit His Pants at McDonald's in 1997
> 
> 
> The announcement came as Australia's covid-19 crisis gets worse thanks to low vaccination rates.
> ...


NSW has 50-100 cases a day 😕 the fucking luxury eh. Just the 50,000 + here today. I thought the last wave was bad but people I know are dropping like flies right now. So let's open up. Idiots.


----------



## petee (Jul 17, 2021)

nothing funny about this, it's just ... i have issues with a certain strain of xianity, based on experience.









						Motorist "let God take the wheel" resulting in high-speed crash | Boing Boing
					

In Beachwood, Ohio, a 31-year-old woman accompanied by her 11-year-old daughter was driving at 100mph when she decided to “let go and let God take the wheel,” according to her statement…




					boingboing.net
				




_The woman told police that she intentionally drove at that high rate of speed and through the red light to "test her faith with God," according to the report.

She told police she's been going through some "trials and tribulations" and was recently fired from her job[…]

She told police she believed she did the right thing, the police report states._

whatever happened to her daughter in the car with her at the time, was no doubt part of god's will.
sorry, as i say i have issues.


----------



## two sheds (Jul 17, 2021)

Non Christian I know did that with son in car, he was saying "do it!".


----------



## dessiato (Jul 17, 2021)

petee said:


> nothing funny about this, it's just ... i have issues with a certain strain of xianity, based on experience.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There seems to be a certain section of people claiming to be Christian who are really in desperate need of mental health care.


----------



## existentialist (Jul 17, 2021)

dessiato said:


> There seems to be a certain section of people claiming to be Christian who are really in desperate need of mental health care.


Yes, I think there can be quite a strong correlation between religion and mental illness: to the extent that, with some particularly vulnerable clients, religion can become something of a problem, in two ways.

First of all, it's not unusual to get very religious people coming on counselling courses, and it can be a battle to train them not to put Jesus in front of everything else - often, they want to become counsellors *in order to* be able to spread the word of God, rather than to use their new skills for counselling, pure and simple. It's probably rather judgemental of me, but my blood runs cold when I hear people describing themselves as "Christian counsellors".

Secondly, for people who are struggling in life, faith can sometimes look like a far less challenging option than, say, doing hard and painful work around (say) earlier life experiences - it can be tempting to just put yourself in the hands of some deity (very much as that driver did) than to take responsibility for making the changes ourselves.

I've encountered, both sides of the professional divide, quite vulnerable people who have been, usually very benignly, drawn into the protective circle of religion. For many of them, it becomes a safe place where they can remain vulnerable, but feel safer and more supported. For some of them, though, all of the energy and thought that went into whatever their psychopathology is gets transferred onto their faith, and I suspect that it is this kind of person that ends up making dangerous choices, from a false sense of security that their beliefs have given them.


----------



## hash tag (Jul 17, 2021)

existentialist said:


> Yes, I think there can be quite a strong correlation between religion and mental illness: to the extent that, with some particularly vulnerable clients, religion can become something of a problem, in two ways.
> 
> First of all, it's not unusual to get very religious people coming on counselling courses, and it can be a battle to train them not to put Jesus in front of everything else - often, they want to become counsellors *in order to* be able to spread the word of God, rather than to use their new skills for counselling, pure and simple. It's probably rather judgemental of me, but my blood runs cold when I hear people describing themselves as "Christian counsellors".
> 
> ...


There's a big debate for another thread.


----------



## petee (Jul 17, 2021)

two sheds said:


> Non Christian I know did that with son in car, he was saying "do it!".



that's why i hesitated to impute anything to the daughter. having been exposed to that mindframe, she could be traumatized, or she may think "yes it's fine, it's god's will."


----------



## two sheds (Jul 17, 2021)

yeh it's your mum isn't it


----------



## flypanam (Jul 19, 2021)

Dunno where to put this but it's nuts 









						Queensland tradie to walk free after cutting off men's testicles
					

A tradie has avoided jail for cutting off the genitalia of two men, with their consent.




					www.nzherald.co.nz


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 19, 2021)

It's the 'with their consent' bit, that does my nut in.


----------



## two sheds (Jul 19, 2021)

theirs too


----------



## 1927 (Jul 19, 2021)

Cop called officers for help after being pursued by drone but it was Jupiter


----------



## quiet guy (Jul 19, 2021)

Well it's understandable, she just wasn't used to having a clear sky 😁


----------



## hash tag (Jul 25, 2021)

Panic as man burns crumpets. cupid_stunt  pointing at potholes etc. This might have to go on my list Panic As Man Burns Crumpets by Roger Lytollis review – the death of local news, read all about it


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 25, 2021)

hash tag said:


> Panic as man burns crumpets. cupid_stunt  pointing at potholes etc. This might have to go on my list Panic As Man Burns Crumpets by Roger Lytollis review – the death of local news, read all about it



Funny enough, I ordered a copy of that yesterday.


----------



## dessiato (Jul 25, 2021)

hash tag said:


> Panic as man burns crumpets. cupid_stunt  pointing at potholes etc. This might have to go on my list Panic As Man Burns Crumpets by Roger Lytollis review – the death of local news, read all about it


If there was a panic every time I burned something...


----------



## two sheds (Jul 25, 2021)

kitchen, house, small office building ....


----------



## hitmouse (Jul 26, 2021)

Another for the "local newspaper headlines that could count as informal anarchist actions" file:








						Porsche SQUASHED by lorry near supermarket
					

EMERGENCY services responded after an Argos lorry got wedged on top of a sports car in a supermarket.




					www.yorkpress.co.uk


----------



## dessiato (Jul 26, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> Another for the "local newspaper headlines that could count as informal anarchist actions" file:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If the Porsche had parked somewhere else he wouldn't have been in the way causing a problem.


----------



## hash tag (Jul 26, 2021)

dessiato said:


> If the Porsche had parked somewhere else he wouldn't have been in the way causing a problem.


But it's a Porsche, the owner can park where they like!


----------



## dessiato (Jul 26, 2021)

hash tag said:


> But it's a Porsche, the owner can park where they like!


Not all Porsche drivers are dickhead, it's mainly Cayenne drivers.


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Jul 29, 2021)

Good for her, but this is the headline and has fuck all to do with South (or East as we are soon to be) Cumbria


----------



## petee (Jul 29, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> Another for the "local newspaper headlines that could count as informal anarchist actions" file:







__





						Newsday | Long Island's & NYC's News Source | Newsday
					





					www.newsday.com
				




Runaway bull still on the run, on sixth day after escape​
_In a statement Saturday, Pitsinos said: "The bull is remarkable, showing great tenacity, a love for life, even eluding authorities."_

e2a he's got his own twitter


----------



## hash tag (Jul 29, 2021)

Nine Bob Note said:


> View attachment 281033
> 
> Good for her, but this is the headline and has fuck all to do with South (or East as we are soon to be) Cumbria


is Coronation Street not near Cumbria


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 29, 2021)

Chinese man inserts live eel up rectum to cure constipation, almost dies | New Straits Times
					

HONG KONG: Doctors in southern China have removed a half-metre live eel from the stomach of a middle-aged man who inserted the elongated fish in himself, supposedly as a folk remedy for constipation, according to a local newspaper.




					www.nst.com.my


----------



## hitmouse (Jul 29, 2021)

From last September, but:








						Lincolnshire Wildlife Park: Swearing parrots removed from view
					

Although parrots are well known for mimicking bad language, these are "more sweary than most".



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Jul 29, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> Chinese man inserts live eel up rectum to cure constipation, almost dies | New Straits Times
> 
> 
> HONG KONG: Doctors in southern China have removed a half-metre live eel from the stomach of a middle-aged man who inserted the elongated fish in himself, supposedly as a folk remedy for constipation, according to a local newspaper.
> ...


I wouldn't have thought of that for constipation, maybe some other reason.
He should have tried working it out with a pencil


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 29, 2021)

hash tag said:


> I wouldn't have thought of that for constipation, maybe some other reason.
> He should have tried working it out with a pencil



But he mightn’t have been a mathematician


----------



## petee (Jul 29, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> From last September, but:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



no audio samples


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Jul 31, 2021)




----------



## 1927 (Jul 31, 2021)

Why do people post screenshots of headlines rather than the actual story? 🤔


----------



## two sheds (Jul 31, 2021)

because the thread title asks for Local Newspaper Headlines?  




sorry


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 1, 2021)

Links are always handy for more details.









						Mystery as £4.2m, 91-tonne recycling plant 'disappears'
					

Police are investigating the disappearance of the equipment from the storage facility in Wigan




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk
				






> The technology, which converts waste plastic into usable fuel products such as liquid petroleum gas and diesel, was moved to the facility in early 2019. When it was originally transferred to the North West from Scotland it would have taken 11 trucks to move it.
> 
> Its owners said it had made several requests to verify the condition of the equipment, as well as for photographs to be sent over the last 12 months. However, the requests were never met.
> 
> A spokesperson for Waste Technologies UK said: "The plant could have been missing since the first day it got to the site.


----------



## andysays (Aug 1, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> Links are always handy for more details.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Although there are a couple of photos of the equipment in place, I'm disappointed there's no photo of a bemused facilities manager pointing to the space where it once was but isn't any longer


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Aug 2, 2021)

two sheds said:


> because the thread title asks for Local Newspaper Headlines?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you 😀 If I could figure out how to post a link from the MEN app I would. I've tried and any advice would be nice


----------



## petee (Aug 2, 2021)

petee said:


> __
> 
> 
> 
> ...




still on the loose but will be going to a sanctuary when caught, if ever 





__





						Redirect Notice
					





					www.google.com


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 3, 2021)

German pensioner given hefty fine for WW2 tank in house
					

The 82 year old is given a suspended sentence and fined €250,000 (£213,469).



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## UrbaneFox (Aug 4, 2021)

Chinese man inserts live eel up rectum to cure constipation, almost dies | New Straits Times
					

HONG KONG: Doctors in southern China have removed a half-metre live eel from the stomach of a middle-aged man who inserted the elongated fish in himself, supposedly as a folk remedy for constipation, according to a local newspaper.




					www.nst.com.my
				




It's all about him. 

What about the poor eel?


----------



## fishfinger (Aug 4, 2021)

UrbaneFox said:


> ...What about the poor eel?


It's still gargling neat Listerine


----------



## seeformiles (Aug 4, 2021)

Not local but probably the best place to put it









						German pensioner given hefty fine for WW2 tank in house
					

The 82 year old is given a suspended sentence and fined €250,000 (£213,469).



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 4, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> Not local but probably the best place to put it
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It was yesterday.   

Last post, on the last page.


----------



## petee (Aug 4, 2021)

😧









						Iceberg Wall Collapses at Titanic Museum in Tennessee
					

The Pigeon Forge Police Department said in a statement that the collapse appears to be accidental.




					www.bloomberg.com
				




_“Needless to say, we never would have expected an incident like this to occur"_

well they're being true to the Titanic experience


----------



## Petcha (Aug 4, 2021)

More on the bull... Even a honey trap failed









						Cow gal pal not enough to entice runaway bull on Long Island
					

The roughly 1,500-pound animal busted out of a farm on Barnes Road in Manorville on Tuesday morning by breaking through a fence, police said. It was scheduled to be slaughtered the next day, Newsda…




					nypost.com
				






> “She was mooing and out there,” Frank Floridia, president of Strong Island Animal Rescue, told The Post of the bovine temptress.
> 
> “The scent was there, and despite the amazing efforts of the team, he didn’t show up


----------



## MysteryGuest (Aug 6, 2021)




----------



## MysteryGuest (Aug 6, 2021)




----------



## dessiato (Aug 7, 2021)

Not a local headline. Terrible news though.









						Boris Johnson ‘nearly swept out to sea during Scottish holiday’
					

PM came close to ‘catastrophe’ off north-west coast last year, according to report




					www.independent.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 7, 2021)

dessiato said:


> Not a local headline. Terrible news though.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



So, he nearly died from covid, now he's nearly drowned, fingers crossed for third time lucky.  

Oh, and another near miss. 



> Mr Johnson was supposed to take a two-week holiday with his partner Carrie, their son and their dog Dilyn. But the trip was cut short when the _Daily Mail _revealed photographs of the rental cottage and social media users quickly identified its location.
> 
> Mr Johnson and his team feared he and the family could be “mobbed by Scottish nationalists,” officials told reporters at the time.


----------



## Ground Elder (Aug 7, 2021)

*Thumbs up to convert Lakeland Miniature Village back to residential use*




> PLANS to convert a miniature village and oriental gardens back to residential use have been approved


----------



## MrSki (Aug 9, 2021)




----------



## Steel Icarus (Aug 9, 2021)

Not exactly in the local paper but definitely local to me.

One word, I think you'll agree, changes the whole piece.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 9, 2021)

I would buy it.


----------



## dessiato (Aug 9, 2021)

S☼I said:


> Not exactly in the local paper but definitely local to me.
> 
> One word, I think you'll agree, changes the whole piece.
> 
> View attachment 282834


I think I know that building. It’s the only massage parlour I know of that fits that description. No, I’ve not visited it, but it will be well known to any NE Lincs Urbs.


----------



## Steel Icarus (Aug 9, 2021)

dessiato said:


> I think I know that building. It’s the only massage parlour I know of that fits that description. No, I’ve not visited it, but it will be well known to any NE Lincs Urbs.


Course you do, it's opposite Knauf


----------



## Badgers (Aug 11, 2021)

> Passers-by noticed the water frothing over and causing havoc in the area near the clock tower and nearby shops.













						Photos show fountain frothing over after it was 'filled with washing-up liquid'
					

It cost the council £170 to clear up



					www.hertfordshiremercury.co.uk


----------



## MrSki (Aug 11, 2021)

Badgers said:


> View attachment 283111
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I remember this happening a lot where I lived in 70s


----------



## existentialist (Aug 11, 2021)

MrSki said:


> I remember this happening a lot where I lived in 70s


There was a water feature outside Fine Fare in Tolworth which was regularly turned into a frothing torrent...


----------



## hitmouse (Aug 16, 2021)

I feel like I'm in danger of becoming someone who only posts about human remains, but:








						Sacked Berwick gravedigger's book promises to tell all on battles with bosses
					

A tell-all book is set for release, detailing the battles between two Berwick gravediggers and Northumberland County Council after they were accused of burying people in the wrong graves




					www.chroniclelive.co.uk
				




This story has outstanding Viz energy.


----------



## Storm Fox (Aug 16, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> I feel like I'm in danger of becoming someone who only posts about human remains, but:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well he does know where the bodies are buried. I just hope he does have too many skeletons in the closet himself.

🧥


----------



## Badgers (Aug 18, 2021)

Ice cream van firm banned from Lowestoft street over noise complaint
					

Lamarti's vans are forbidden from entering one street after complaints about noise.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Aug 20, 2021)

I suspect this chap (if serious) drastically lowers the average IQ of any area he visits









						Grimsby's man's Loch Ness Monster 'disappointment'
					

'We travelled 400 miles from Grimsby to see the Loch Ness monster and it didn't show up'




					www.grimsbytelegraph.co.uk


----------



## dessiato (Aug 20, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> I suspect this chap (if serious) drastically lowers the average IQ of any area he visits
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It’s Grimsby.


----------



## Storm Fox (Aug 20, 2021)

'Uluru was shit, waited around for hours for the Drop Bears and all I saw was this bloody rock'


----------



## Steel Icarus (Aug 21, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> I suspect this chap (if serious) drastically lowers the average IQ of any area he visits
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Props to writer Mark Page for use of the word _cryptid_, though. Far beyond the usual standard of Grimsby Telegraph journalism.


----------



## hitmouse (Aug 21, 2021)

North East mum says speed of Aldi cashier left her 'crying and shaking'
					

Customers in the store were left 'gawping' during the confrontation




					www.chroniclelive.co.uk


----------



## Badgers (Aug 21, 2021)

Couple's disgust as takeaway chicken nuggets covered in brown 'substance'
					

Rory and Victoria found the shocking discovery after they ordered a meal from Dino's Takeaway in Blackpool. The owner said he can't understand what the substance is or how it got there




					www-mirror-co-uk.cdn.ampproject.org


----------



## MrSki (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## two sheds (Aug 22, 2021)

White supremacists


----------



## MrSki (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## MrSki (Aug 22, 2021)




----------



## hitmouse (Aug 22, 2021)

MrSki said:


>


_Bless my cotton socks, I'm in the Croydon Advertiser_


----------



## danny la rouge (Aug 24, 2021)

Glasgow man gets tattoo of square sausage in 'Morton's Roll' to cover name of ex
					

The brilliant ink took tattoo artist Chrisse MacGregor just over two hours to complete!




					www.glasgowlive.co.uk
				




Glasgow man gets tattoo of square sausage in 'Morton's Roll' to cover name of ex


----------



## hitmouse (Aug 24, 2021)

Meanwhile, down in Edinburgh, major academic restructures are going on:








						Incredible footage shows Canada Geese taking over an Edinburgh university
					

Allan Brown of the Lothians and Fife Swan and Goose Study Group told Edinburgh Live that he had never seen such a large gaggle of Canada Geese in the Lothians before.




					www.edinburghlive.co.uk


----------



## danny la rouge (Aug 24, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> Meanwhile, down in Edinburgh, major academic restructures are going on:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And I, for one, welcome our new learned avian overlords.


----------



## dessiato (Aug 24, 2021)

danny la rouge said:


> Glasgow man gets tattoo of square sausage in 'Morton's Roll' to cover name of ex
> 
> 
> The brilliant ink took tattoo artist Chrisse MacGregor just over two hours to complete!
> ...


Should have got a lobster


----------



## krtek a houby (Aug 25, 2021)

Christopher Walken and Stephen Merchant visit Stonehenge


----------



## petee (Aug 25, 2021)

krtek a houby said:


> Christopher Walken and Stephen Merchant visit Stonehenge



i. 
hope he.
liked it?


----------



## krtek a houby (Aug 25, 2021)

petee said:


> i.
> hope he.
> liked it?



Shatner?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 26, 2021)

Oh, dear, what can the matter be?
One old lady was locked in the lavatory;
She was there from Monday 'til Saturday,
And nobody knew she was there.









						Firefighters free woman from public toilet on Goring seafront
					

Firefighters were called to free a woman who had become trapped in a public toilet in Goring.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 26, 2021)

*Confused guy, "You are appointing me as a what? WTF is a hedgerow champion?"*










						Wiston Estate farmer appointed first Sussex ‘hedgerow champion’
					

The Countryside Charity CPRE Sussex has appointed its first ‘hedgerow champion’ to raise awareness of important wildlife habitats.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk


----------



## dessiato (Aug 27, 2021)

Unfortunately he is not demanding _his._


----------



## hitmouse (Aug 27, 2021)

Angry rock star attacks Bristol shop door
					

"He started to kick the hell out of it. It was more than six times"




					www.bristolpost.co.uk


----------



## bluescreen (Aug 27, 2021)

Driver claimed not to know what blue lights meant after being pulled over near Cambridge
https://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/local-news/driver-claimed-not-know-what-21414057


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 28, 2021)

Campaign demands famous Welsh Dragon should have a penis on all flags
					

There is a public campaign is being mounted to add a penis to the dragon on the Welsh flag.




					www.southwalesargus.co.uk


----------



## dessiato (Aug 28, 2021)

Indeliblelink said:


> Campaign demands famous Welsh Dragon should have a penis on all flags
> 
> 
> There is a public campaign is being mounted to add a penis to the dragon on the Welsh flag.
> ...


Why do they assume the dragon is male?


----------



## hitmouse (Aug 28, 2021)

Apparently the Royal Mint does?


----------



## JimW (Aug 28, 2021)

Indeliblelink said:


> Campaign demands famous Welsh Dragon should have a penis on all flags
> 
> 
> There is a public campaign is being mounted to add a penis to the dragon on the Welsh flag.
> ...


Y Ddraig Cock


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 29, 2021)




----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 29, 2021)

dessiato said:


> Why do they assume the dragon is male?


or even has a penis - could just be a cloaca or summat


----------



## seeformiles (Aug 29, 2021)

Maybe it’s just where I grew up but this makes me laugh 😀









						Fudstock festival: Three injured in Barrow fairground ride incident
					

One woman is in a critical condition in hospital and two others were seriously hurt.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## steveo87 (Aug 29, 2021)

MrSki said:


>


For once, I'm using a laptop, and the added humour of gently scrolling (I'm using the arrow keys), is joyous!


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 30, 2021)

Aberdeen residents baffled after massive Pat Butcher portrait appears on city wall
					

Aberdeen locals and visitors have been left baffled after a massive portrait of Pat Butcher appeared on a wall in the city centre.   The street art -




					www.eveningexpress.co.uk


----------



## hippogriff (Aug 30, 2021)

Aberdeen's massive Pat Butcher mystery solved - and it (probably) wasn't Michael Gove
					

The mystery of who pasted a monumental picture of Pat Butcher on an Aberdeen city centre wall has been solved. Yesterday, the news broke that a huge




					www.eveningexpress.co.uk


----------



## petee (Aug 31, 2021)

Call for witnesses of man "waving wood aggressively"
					

Police are calling for witnesses to a man who was "waving a wooden item" in an aggressive manner at Le Bordage.




					gsy.bailiwickexpress.com


----------



## BillRiver (Aug 31, 2021)

bluescreen said:


> Driver claimed not to know what blue lights meant after being pulled over near Cambridge
> https://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/news/local-news/driver-claimed-not-know-what-21414057
> View attachment 285483



That's nearly at the level of my sister's outlandishly poor quality lies during our teens.

My favourite coming after she took my mum's car without permission and drove her mates to Brighton, where they stayed overnight before returning to our home in Essex, looking rough as fuck.

My mum had known one of the mate's (and his mum) since he and my sis were toddlers. They lived two blocks away from our house.

My sister claimed the whole trip was simply an act of kindness because, she claimed, that specific mate had "never been in a car before".

Both of his parents, and his older brother (my then boyfriend) owned cars, as we all knew full well.


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 2, 2021)

Google aggregates all the big stories in the Norfolk of the West


----------



## chainsawjob (Sep 2, 2021)

Large bag of cannabis dropped off as 'donation' to charity shop
					

A bin liner full of cannabis has been left as a donation at a Fareham charity shop, according to police in the area.




					www.dailyecho.co.uk


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Sep 9, 2021)

Airport taxi driver fed up of traffic changes number plate to 'M25 FKD'
					

A chauffeur in Dartford has mocked the 'constant' traffic woes he experiences between London and Kent after personalising his number plate to 'M25…




					www.newsshopper.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 9, 2021)

Puddy_Tat said:


> Airport taxi driver fed up of traffic changes number plate to 'M25 FKD'
> 
> 
> A chauffeur in Dartford has mocked the 'constant' traffic woes he experiences between London and Kent after personalising his number plate to 'M25…
> ...



As a kid, pre-M25 days, I remember the Dartford crossing working well with just one tunnel, and one lane in each direction, now there's four lanes each way, and it's totally fucked, nuts when you think about.


----------



## two sheds (Sep 9, 2021)

Not everyone could afford a horse and cart then though.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 10, 2021)

McDonald's customer vows to go vegan after finding 'pig nipple' in bacon roll
					

Hungry Simon Robinson picked up his regular breakfast roll from his local McDonalds branch in Gateshead only to find what he claims was a nipple looking back at him




					www-mirror-co-uk.cdn.ampproject.org


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 10, 2021)

What a brilliant non-story!


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 10, 2021)

A nipple with an eye?


----------



## PTK (Sep 10, 2021)

DaveCinzano said:


> A nipple with an eye?


Have you never looked in a mirror without a top on and seen your own nipples staring back at you? That's the reason why we were created with our nipples on the front of our bodies; so that that we could not see them staring at us.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Sep 11, 2021)

Woman dressed as nun dancing with skeleton outside Hull graveyard
					

Bizarre sight for drivers and passers-by on Spring Bank West




					www.hulldailymail.co.uk


----------



## Badgers (Sep 13, 2021)

Shocking 









						Woman shows off incredible food cupboard - but everyone spots the same problem
					

A woman proudly shared photos of her meticulously organised food pantry on social media - but she accidentally sparked a fierce debate online over one product




					www.mirror.co.uk


----------



## Storm Fox (Sep 14, 2021)

It also depends on how the eggs are treated at the producers. USA eggs are washed with detergents, which removes a natural protection so they need to be refrigerated, while EU eggs are not and can be just kept coolish.
Also this forces EU producers to have better welfare conditions for their chickens too.








						Why American Eggs Would Be Illegal In A British Supermarket, And Vice Versa
					

The USDA mandates that all Grade A eggs be washed and sanitized. The EU requires that all Class A eggs are not washed or cleaned in any way. Here's why this distinction exists.




					www.forbes.com


----------



## seeformiles (Sep 15, 2021)

This story is very Brass Eye:









						What is 'beaning'? West Yorkshire Police warn parents about TikTok trend
					

Police in Leeds are warning of a new trend called parents and shopkeepers of a new trend called 'beaning'.




					www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 15, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> This story is very Brass Eye:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



So, it wasn't a one-off in Surrey...

[I posted this 16/8/21 on the GB News thread. 


> Just had a flick, the BBC, Sky & Al Jazeera all covering Afghanistan, GB News had a reporter on the ground...
> 
> ...covering the 'baked bean bandit', who is 'terrifying' the residents of Wonersh village in Surrey, by pouring baked beans through letterboxes & over cars.


----------



## seeformiles (Sep 15, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> So, it wasn't a one-off in Surrey...
> 
> [I posted this 16/8/21 on the GB News thread.



I feel a bit sorry for the PCSO who drew the short straw by having to give the official statement and, presumably, keep a straight face 🙂


----------



## hash tag (Sep 15, 2021)

Jags for 15 year olds - WTF, they aren't even old enough to drive  I shall be in Scotland very soon and I want a Jag!


----------



## hitmouse (Sep 15, 2021)

Toronto raccoons crash bachelorette party and eat all the penis candy
					

They're cute, they're funny, they're famously clever — heck, they're the unofficial mascots of our city — but Toronto raccoons do not respect bound...




					www.blogto.com
				




Hate it when this happens.


----------



## Pickman's model (Sep 17, 2021)




----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 17, 2021)

Pickman's model said:


> View attachment 288868


Road-testing his defence in readiness for his upcoming trip to Lincolnshire


----------



## BoatieBird (Sep 18, 2021)

BoatieBird said:


> Northampton woman, 78, slams council over 'nightmare' grass waste outside home
> 
> 
> "Get your bloomin' fingers out and do something about it. Give us something for our money."
> ...











						Northampton pensioner's grass verge saga set to feature on Jason Manford's new Comedy Central show The Complaints Department
					

Anne Harris, 79, has featured in the Chron twice this year with complaints about a grass verge outside her home - and now her story is set to appear on TV




					www.northamptonchron.co.uk
				




Looks like Anne is heading for fame and fortune


----------



## dessiato (Sep 18, 2021)

Teenager rushed to hospital after shoving USB cable in his penis
					

The boy, from London, confessed to doctors that he inserted the cable to 'measure the length of his penis' out of 'sexual curiosity'.




					metro.co.uk
				




"When his mum was out of the room, the boy, whose name was not revealed, confessed to doctors that he inserted the cable to ‘measure the length of his penis’ out of ‘sexual curiosity’."

I wonder what's wrong with using a ruler.


----------



## two sheds (Sep 18, 2021)

wouldn't fit


----------



## petee (Sep 18, 2021)

headline of the year









						Anne Frank’s Israeli classmate behind popular breast-inspired fidget toy
					

Husband-and-wife duo Theo and Ora Coster created over 150 toys and games, including Guess Who? Now, their GoPop! toy has sold millions of units and is a hit among TikTok users




					www.timesofisrael.com


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 18, 2021)

petee said:


> headline of the year
> 
> 
> 
> ...





> Theo, imagine a large field of breasts, ladies’ breasts, that you can push the nipple



Source of John Lennon's inspiration revealed at last


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 18, 2021)

dessiato said:


> Teenager rushed to hospital after shoving USB cable in his penis
> 
> 
> The boy, from London, confessed to doctors that he inserted the cable to 'measure the length of his penis' out of 'sexual curiosity'.
> ...





two sheds said:


> wouldn't fit


you need to start with something smaller like a narrow plastic cocktail stick and gradually work your way up over time to a ruler/dildo/marrow


----------



## two sheds (Sep 18, 2021)

voice of experience there


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 18, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> you need to start with something smaller like a narrow plastic cocktail stick and gradually work your way up over time to a ruler/dildo/marrow


No, you have to start with a cocktail _umbrella_, obvs


----------



## Sprocket. (Sep 18, 2021)

I am positive this headline in the local weekly will have people rushing to live here.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 19, 2021)

That ad placement works really well, clearly 'stay safe, we'll deliver' is a reference to covid, but it works with that headline too.


----------



## Badgers (Sep 19, 2021)




----------



## seeformiles (Sep 19, 2021)

Sprocket. said:


> View attachment 289079
> I am positive this headline in the local weekly will have people rushing to live here.




I used to work with a fella from “Donny” that was proud of the fact that in the mid-90s it had the highest rate of STDs 🙂


----------



## dessiato (Sep 19, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> I used to work with a fella from “Donny” that was proud of the fact that in the mid-90s it had the highest rate of STDs 🙂


Sounds just like Donny.


----------



## Sprocket. (Sep 19, 2021)

dessiato said:


> Sounds just like Donny.


Only on seven days a week though!


----------



## petee (Sep 20, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> you need to start with something smaller like a narrow plastic cocktail stick and gradually work your way up over time to a ruler/dildo/marrow


----------



## hitmouse (Sep 20, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> I used to work with a fella from “Donny” that was proud of the fact that in the mid-90s it had the highest rate of STDs 🙂


The other week I was on a train with a group of Rovers fans who were doing loads of anti-Rotherham chants, even though we were nowhere near South Yorkshire. "There's only one Chuckle Brother, one Chuckle Brother, one Chuckle Brother... Barry's in a box, Barry's in a box!"


----------



## seeformiles (Sep 20, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> The other week I was on a train with a group of Rovers fans who were doing loads of anti-Rotherham chants, even though we were nowhere near South Yorkshire. "There's only one Chuckle Brother, one Chuckle Brother, one Chuckle Brother... Barry's in a box, Barry's in a box!"



Ouch! 😯


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 21, 2021)

Not exactly local (but in a way very local indeed) but what a headline (and story):




__





						Redirect Notice
					





					www.google.co.uk


----------



## Badgers (Sep 23, 2021)

Our honest review of the 'worst rated' Spoons in Essex according to TripAdvisor
					

It has an average rating of 2.5 stars out of 5 on the review website




					www-essexlive-news.cdn.ampproject.org


----------



## Lorca (Sep 23, 2021)

'Abnormally horny' hound risks doing 'irreversible damage' to his weary willy
					

A HUMPING hound whose “abnormally horny” nature is causing serious damage to his weary willy is in desperate need of surgery.




					www.clactonandfrintongazette.co.uk


----------



## petee (Sep 25, 2021)

__





						Lawyer Held in Contempt for Repeatedly Saying “Gadzooks” After Judge’s Ruling – Lowering the Bar
					






					loweringthebar.net
				




"THE COURT: Mr. Thollander, if you make one more comment under your breath—

MR. THOLLANDER: I said gadzooks.

"THE COURT: Mr. Thollander, if you make one more comment that’s offensive to this Court, I will hold you in contempt of court.

MR. THOLLANDER: Gadzooks is offensive to the Court?"


----------



## seeformiles (Sep 25, 2021)

My brother lived in a squat in London Lane, Hackney that had an even worse toilet than this one:









						UK's worst toilet found by revolted locksmith - and it's near Brum
					

Rio Beardmore, 48, found the disgusting bog after being asked to force his way into a property owned by a friend after the occupiers refused to answer the door




					www.birminghammail.co.uk


----------



## Indeliblelink (Sep 25, 2021)

Sod the petrol 








						John Lewis store runs out of scones as supply crisis gets serious
					

Supplier issues blamed as popular treat is off the menu




					www.bristolpost.co.uk


----------



## hitmouse (Sep 27, 2021)

Badgers said:


> Our honest review of the 'worst rated' Spoons in Essex according to TripAdvisor
> 
> 
> It has an average rating of 2.5 stars out of 5 on the review website
> ...


I think they should also try Essex's best-rated Wetherspoons for comparison purposes. Also, god, that spoons can hardly be worse than trying to navigate around an Essex Live story.


----------



## danny la rouge (Sep 28, 2021)




----------



## hitmouse (Sep 28, 2021)

London's coke eels have a new competitor:









						Glastonbury: drug traces from on-site urination could harm rare eels
					

Scientists found dangerous levels of cocaine in nearby River Whitelake after the festival




					www.theguardian.com


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 28, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> London's coke eels have a new competitor:
> 
> 
> 
> ...





> It found that the amount of MDMA was 104 times greater downstream than upstream in the weeks after the festival, rising to levels that could harm the life cycle of European eels, a protected species. Cocaine concentration was 40 times higher downstream, although the levels of cocaine were not considered harmful to aquatic life.



Fucking hell.


----------



## Cerv (Sep 28, 2021)

i guess the anti-diuretic side effect of MDMA is exaggerated


----------



## DaveCinzano (Sep 28, 2021)

Cerv said:


> i guess the anti-diuretic side effect of MDMA is exaggerated


Sweat cloud drizzle


----------



## platinumsage (Sep 28, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> Fucking hell.



That means someone has previously done an experiment feeding MDMA to European eels to see at what concentration their lifecycle is affected.


----------



## prunus (Sep 28, 2021)

platinumsage said:


> That means someone has previously done an experiment feeding MDMA to European eels to see at what concentration their lifecycle is affected.



Yeah, look, we were young, we were drunk. It seemed funny at the time. You don’t have to keep bringing it up.


----------



## quiet guy (Sep 28, 2021)

Complete crock of a story originating from the Somersetlive website.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Sep 28, 2021)




----------



## seeformiles (Sep 30, 2021)

Not local but pretty bizarre all the same 









						Shakira: Singer attacked by a pair of wild boars
					

The Colombian singer was walking in a park in Barcelona, Spain, with her son when the animals struck.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 2, 2021)

I'm ignoring the Local in the thread title








						Doctors in Lithuania find kilo of nails and screws in man’s stomach
					

The man started swallowing metal objects, some measuring 10cm long, when he gave up alcohol, hospital official says




					www.theguardian.com
				



Didn't he listen to his mam when she warned him not to bolt his food?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 2, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> Didn't he listen to his mam when she warned him not to bolt his food?



<groan>


----------



## Dogsauce (Oct 2, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> I'm ignoring the Local in the thread title
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Or when she told him not to bite his nails.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 3, 2021)

https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2021/09/30/squirrel-truck-fargo-bill-fischer/


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 3, 2021)

Badgers said:


> https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2021/09/30/squirrel-truck-fargo-bill-fischer/





> Yellow-husked black walnuts crowded the insides of Bill Fischer’s truck. The foraged fare filled every vacant corner — packed tight behind the fenders, wedged between the engine parts, piled deep below the hood.
> 
> The Fargo, N.D., resident had returned from a four-day work trip earlier this month and anticipated the discovery. His neighbor’s walnut tree had just harvested, after all, and a furry visitor probably hoarded the round treasures somewhere safe — Fischer’s truck.
> Since 2013, Fischer, 56, has dealt with the strange phenomenon every two years — the tree’s maturation cycle — and, without fail, a red squirrel selects Fischer’s Chevrolet Avalanche as its hideaway.



How strange.


----------



## Badgers (Oct 4, 2021)

Gran And Friend Break Legs On Water Slide After Drunkenly Breaking Into Pool
					

They thought they'd have a late night laugh at Aldershot Lido, but it turned into a horror story




					www.ladbible.com


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 4, 2021)

> "Don't do it - we're idiots," she said.



Yep, complete fucking twats.


----------



## seeformiles (Oct 6, 2021)

Pineapple juice ruled out as the cause of Cowdenbeath mystery puddle
					

A FIFE councillor has vowed to get answers about a puddle of unidentified liquid in Cowdenbeath which was originally believed to be pineapple juice.




					www.centralfifetimes.com


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 6, 2021)

‘Frenzied’ foxes cause multi-thousand pound damage in Sussex car attacks
					

A group of Sussex residents say they are being plagued by frenzied foxes which have caused thousands of pounds worth of damage to their cars.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk


----------



## bluescreen (Oct 6, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> Pineapple juice ruled out as the cause of Cowdenbeath mystery puddle
> 
> 
> A FIFE councillor has vowed to get answers about a puddle of unidentified liquid in Cowdenbeath which was originally believed to be pineapple juice.
> ...


Perfect. I dare not read the story as it could only spoil it.


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Oct 6, 2021)




----------



## Badgers (Oct 7, 2021)

Any hash browns on board?


----------



## hitmouse (Oct 7, 2021)

Badgers said:


> Gran And Friend Break Legs On Water Slide After Drunkenly Breaking Into Pool
> 
> 
> They thought they'd have a late night laugh at Aldershot Lido, but it turned into a horror story
> ...


Obligatory:


----------



## quiet guy (Oct 7, 2021)

Badgers said:


> Any hash browns on board?


No but lots of roasted potato


----------



## Badgers (Oct 10, 2021)

Not really local but bonkers enough. 





__





						California man dies after being beaten by people he tried to hit with truck | California | The Guardian
					

Deceased man was asked to leave business, police say, before he suffered blunt force trauma and died at scene




					amp.theguardian.com


----------



## hitmouse (Oct 10, 2021)

Probably the most controversial thing happening in Newcastle at the moment:








						Fines warning as infamous Newcastle bus lane camera returns
					

Council bosses have announced they will start collecting fines from drivers caught in the northbound bus lane on John Dobson Street from November 1




					www.chroniclelive.co.uk


----------



## Dogsauce (Oct 10, 2021)

Badgers said:


> Not really local but bonkers enough.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Someone probably asked him to put on a mask or something like that, people have treated such requests as life or death matters before in the land of toxic childish bullshit.


----------



## petee (Oct 11, 2021)

at it again ... 









						Viking longboat knocks out power supply in Kirkcudbright
					

The replica vessel was part of celebrations for the arrival of a treasure hoard in Kirkcudbright.



					www.bbc.com


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 11, 2021)

petee said:


> at it again ...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



What a bullshit headline.  



> SP Energy Network said only one customer had been affected and they hoped to have it repaired by 17:00.



One house, not the town.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Oct 12, 2021)

Kirstie Allsopp left stranded in High Wycombe after running out of petrol
					

Kirstie Allsopp was left stranded in High Wycombe after her she ran out of fuel amid the petrol shortage.




					www.bucksfreepress.co.uk


----------



## Artaxerxes (Oct 13, 2021)




----------



## Artaxerxes (Oct 13, 2021)

Indeliblelink said:


> Kirstie Allsopp left stranded in High Wycombe after running out of petrol
> 
> 
> Kirstie Allsopp was left stranded in High Wycombe after her she ran out of fuel amid the petrol shortage.
> ...



Is High Wycombe ok?


----------



## existentialist (Oct 13, 2021)

Artaxerxes said:


> Is High Wycombe ok?


Half of it has now been sold to a particularly choosy couple...


----------



## Mordi (Oct 13, 2021)

This summary is one for the ages;


----------



## weepiper (Oct 13, 2021)




----------



## seeformiles (Oct 14, 2021)

Courtesy of Popbitch









						Pub landlady has huge portrait of herself made out of Yorkshire puddings
					

A pub landlady who 'loves Yorkshire puddings so much' has had a huge portrait of herself made out of the legendary Yorkshire delicacy.




					www.yorkshirepost.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Oct 15, 2021)

Travis singer Fran Healy shows off wounds after sausage dog attack in Hollywood
					

Travis singer Fran Healy shows off wounds after dog attack in Hollywood




					www.dailyrecord.co.uk


----------



## Artaxerxes (Oct 15, 2021)




----------



## quiet guy (Oct 15, 2021)

Novel marketing strategy, come here for breakfast and see the doggers


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Oct 15, 2021)




----------



## seeformiles (Oct 16, 2021)




----------



## Badgers (Oct 16, 2021)

This gun taken ‘off the streets’ by Beds police caused no end of mirth – 17 on-target responses
					

Over on Twitter the good people of Bedfordshire police shared news of their latest proactive operations to tackle serious and organised crime. And very serious stuff and hugely important work it is too, obviously. Yet there was something about the picture of the gun that they shared that...




					www.thepoke.co.uk


----------



## Artaxerxes (Oct 18, 2021)




----------



## hash tag (Oct 19, 2021)

Oh shit! Thank goodness it wasn't on Madge's gaff.
BBC News - Plane drops sewage on Windsor man in his garden








						Plane drops sewage on Windsor man in his garden
					

Councillor Karen Davies says she was "horrified" when told of the incident by one of her constituents.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 19, 2021)

Leeds family 'gutted' over bizarre substitution for mint choc chip Cornettos
					

'Oh my God!" said thoroughly perplexed 14-year-old Brandon



					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## Artaxerxes (Oct 19, 2021)




----------



## BillRiver (Oct 19, 2021)

hash tag said:


> Oh shit! Thank goodness it wasn't on Madge's gaff.
> BBC News - Plane drops sewage on Windsor man in his garden
> 
> 
> ...



Oh, if only they'd hit a royal


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 20, 2021)

Artaxerxes said:


>


----------



## seeformiles (Oct 20, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> Leeds family 'gutted' over bizarre substitution for mint choc chip Cornettos
> 
> 
> 'Oh my God!" said thoroughly perplexed 14-year-old Brandon
> ...



That rag just gets worse. Makes a change from its ongoing vendetta against Harehills I suppose 🙂


----------



## Orang Utan (Oct 20, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> That rag just gets worse. Makes a change from its ongoing vendetta against Harehills I suppose 🙂


Harehills Man is the Northern English version of Florida Man


----------



## seeformiles (Oct 20, 2021)

Orang Utan said:


> Harehills Man is the Northern English version of Florida Man



Their vaccination rates are about the same


----------



## cupid_stunt (Oct 24, 2021)

Nice new statue has appeared on Worthing's seafront. 






Shame about the back story.   



> If you've taken a walk down Worthing beach recently, you could be forgiven for wondering why on earth there is a statue of a baby elephant.
> 
> The story behind it is tinged with sadness and stretches back almost 100 years. It commemorates the life of a baby elephant named Jumbo, who washed up on Worthing beach almost 100 years ago. In November 1926, two fisherman stumbled across the lifeless body of a baby elephant when they were walking along Worthing beach.
> 
> The baby elephant was being transported on a ship which got caught in a rough storm and sank somewhere off the Kent coast, near the town of Deal. The young calf, who was being transported as part of a travelling circus, sadly perished in the water.











						The new statue remembering elephant who washed up on Worthing beach
					

The sad tale of Jumbo is remembered in this new statue




					www.sussexlive.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Oct 24, 2021)

Speaking of elephants, an amazing story BillRiver 








						Ivory poaching has led to evolution of tuskless elephants, study finds
					

Researchers say findings in Mozambique demonstrate impact of human interference in nature




					www.theguardian.com


----------



## hitmouse (Oct 25, 2021)

Only just found out how the Brighton local press covered the bin strike there:


----------



## Badgers (Oct 26, 2021)

Woman's X-rated pose caught on Google Maps Street View
					

The scene was captured by a Google Maps car




					www-manchestereveningnews-co-uk.cdn.ampproject.org


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Oct 26, 2021)




----------



## quiet guy (Oct 26, 2021)

Have they checked behind the sofa cushions cause that's usually where most stuff ends up?


----------



## DaveCinzano (Oct 26, 2021)

Mirrors. Definitely done with mirrors 👍


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Oct 26, 2021)

DaveCinzano said:


> Mirrors. Definitely done with mirrors 👍


Sleight of hand 😀


----------



## petee (Oct 30, 2021)

£295,000 bottle of wine stolen from Spanish restaurant’s cellar
					

Owner says 215-year-old Château d’Yquem was among 45 bottles taken by English-speaking man and woman




					www.theguardian.com
				




what the fuck kind of world do we live in where ...


----------



## bluescreen (Oct 30, 2021)

petee said:


> £295,000 bottle of wine stolen from Spanish restaurant’s cellar
> 
> 
> Owner says 215-year-old Château d’Yquem was among 45 bottles taken by English-speaking man and woman
> ...


Decadent.


----------



## Serge Forward (Oct 30, 2021)

petee said:


> £295,000 bottle of wine stolen from Spanish restaurant’s cellar
> 
> 
> Owner says 215-year-old Château d’Yquem was among 45 bottles taken by English-speaking man and woman
> ...


The same world where you can be rich and stupid enough to cough up thirty grand for a meal Steak restaurant highlights the obscenity of capitalism - Anarchist Communist Group


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Nov 3, 2021)

WTF is wrong with the UK? I really am glad I got out. 

OK, I don't like temporary traffic lights, and I certainly don't like McDonalds...but abusing people from the water board for digging up the road? Anti-vaxers, I guess.

A590 McDonald's roadworks in Ulverston halted after United Utilities workers face 'abuse'​


----------



## hash tag (Nov 3, 2021)

Serge Forward said:


> The same world where you can be rich and stupid enough to cough up thirty grand for a meal Steak restaurant highlights the obscenity of capitalism - Anarchist Communist Group


It's to keep the Hoi polloi out in order that mega rich people can eat without being plagued by selfies.


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 3, 2021)

Heathrow Airport: Luggage conveyor belt filled with frozen fish crates
					

Passengers at Heathrow say their luggage was missing and boxes of fish were on the conveyor belt.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## MrSki (Nov 3, 2021)

Baffling conveyor of frozen fish greets family instead of their bags
					

Their suitcases have been 'misPLAICEd'




					www.dorset.live


----------



## hitmouse (Nov 3, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> Heathrow Airport: Luggage conveyor belt filled with frozen fish crates
> 
> 
> Passengers at Heathrow say their luggage was missing and boxes of fish were on the conveyor belt.
> ...


Hang on, didn't Jesus turn people's luggage into fishes? I'm not an expert on Christianity but I'm sure that's in there somewhere.


----------



## MrSki (Nov 3, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> Heathrow Airport: Luggage conveyor belt filled with frozen fish crates
> 
> 
> Passengers at Heathrow say their luggage was missing and boxes of fish were on the conveyor belt.
> ...


My post   was a local newspaper headline and not the fucking BBC.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Nov 4, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> Heathrow Airport: Luggage conveyor belt filled with frozen fish crates
> 
> 
> Passengers at Heathrow say their luggage was missing and boxes of fish were on the conveyor belt.
> ...


What are the odd of that happening?


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 4, 2021)

MrSki said:


> My post   was a local newspaper headline and not the fucking BBC.



But 5 hours later - surely the people deserved to know sooner than your local rag could serve up its second hand news 😉


----------



## Badgers (Nov 7, 2021)

Not a newspaper but I liked it


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 11, 2021)

Why can't you find any crisps in Norwich at the moment?
					

Those heading out for lunch over the past few days might have noticed some snack shelves gathering dust.




					www.eveningnews24.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Nov 11, 2021)

Old news. 





hash tag said:


> There's bugs in crisps Walkers crisps shortage could last until end of month after IT glitch
> 
> Not to mention cardboard cutouts


----------



## ouirdeaux (Nov 11, 2021)

Are there -- are there  crisps in Norwich? Tell me truly, I implore!


----------



## hash tag (Nov 11, 2021)

There's no crisps. Anywhere.


----------



## existentialist (Nov 11, 2021)

hash tag said:


> There's no crisps. Anywhere.


I've got 3 bags of Kettle Chips in my crisp drawer. I wasn't even aware of there being a crisp shortage.


----------



## ouirdeaux (Nov 11, 2021)

You have a dedicated crisp drawer?


----------



## existentialist (Nov 11, 2021)

ouirdeaux said:


> You have a dedicated crisp drawer?


General snacks, yes. But mostly Kettle Chips.

Well. it's more of a plastic storage tub on a bookshelf in the kitchen than a drawer...


----------



## moochedit (Nov 11, 2021)

hash tag said:


> There's no crisps. Anywhere.


The sainsburys local near my work has about 3 million bags of "thai sweet chicken" flavour walkers crisps and no other flavours for about 2 weeks now. Thought it was a bit odd.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 12, 2021)

That explains the shortage of Walkers around here, I thought it was down to delivery problems.


----------



## quiet guy (Nov 12, 2021)

They've also had a fire at the Leicester plant. Bags of Walkers will be going for extortionate prices down on the street corners.


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Nov 13, 2021)

🙁


----------



## petee (Nov 13, 2021)

Woman Jumps Barrier at Bronx Zoo Lion Exhibit, Dances With Roses and Tosses Cash
					

A woman was seen climbing over a barrier at the Bronx Zoo’s lion exhibit, witnesses exclusively told NBC New York, as cellphone video showed her holding roses and tossing money toward the fearsome feline.




					www.nbcnewyork.com
				




" "I missed him so much," the woman is heard saying on video"


----------



## two sheds (Nov 13, 2021)

petee said:


> Woman Jumps Barrier at Bronx Zoo Lion Exhibit, Dances With Roses and Tosses Cash
> 
> 
> A woman was seen climbing over a barrier at the Bronx Zoo’s lion exhibit, witnesses exclusively told NBC New York, as cellphone video showed her holding roses and tossing money toward the fearsome feline.
> ...


briefly


----------



## petee (Nov 13, 2021)

WATCH: Chula Vista Chase Ends on Church Altar During Funeral Service
					

A driver led deputies on a meandering 45-minute pursuit from Delzura to a South Bay church on Thursday where he interrupted a service before being taken into custody at the altar.




					www.nbcsandiego.com
				




_A driver led deputies on a meandering 45-minute pursuit from Jamul to a South Bay church on Thursday where he interrupted a funeral service before being taken into custody at the altar._


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 16, 2021)

Various regional dailies in the north have shared this front page today.





> Northern dailies have united to run the same “brutal splash” urging Boris Johnson to keep his promise on rail improvements.
> 
> Newspapers across the North of England will run the front page tomorrow morning, which pays homage to Danny Boyle’s 1996 film Trainspotting.
> 
> ...











						Northern dailies pile pressure on Boris Johnson over rail - Journalism News from HoldtheFrontPage
					

Newspaper team up to publish identical front page



					www.holdthefrontpage.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 18, 2021)

I was reading about bog bodies when this rather unexpected piece of speculation turned up (OK - not a local newspaper headline but not sure where else to put it)









						No evidence that Europe's bog bodies were gay
					

Danish bogs have preserved some unique archaeological finds: Grauballe Man and Tollund Man, to name a few.




					phys.org


----------



## bluescreen (Nov 18, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> I was reading about bog bodies when this rather unexpected piece of speculation turned up (OK - not a local newspaper headline but not sure where else to put it)
> 
> 
> 
> ...




From the end of the article:


> A local signature could indicate that they had committed a crime and were sacrificed as a result. But being chosen as the fen's victim may also have been an honour, for the victim and their family, says Lynnerup.
> 
> Alternatively, if the strontium analyses indicate that the bog bodies had travelled to reach the fen this could suggest that they were high status individuals* or even royalty*.



What an idea...


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 18, 2021)

bluescreen said:


> From the end of the article:
> 
> 
> What an idea...



😀 Time to invite Andy to E.Anglia


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 18, 2021)

EDITOR - quick, hold the front page...









						Rescued cat named 'Mr May' in Cats Protection calendar
					

A cat rescued from an overcrowded home to live comfortably in Ferring has been named ‘Mr May’ in the Cats Protection’s charity calendar.




					www.worthingherald.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 18, 2021)

Blimey, it's a morning for cat news here!









						Beloved pet cat rescued from house fire and treated with oxygen mask
					

A cat has been rescued from a burning house and treated with oxygen.




					www.theargus.co.uk
				






> Crews from Lancing and Worthing Fire Stations found the missing cat and took him to safety.
> 
> A fire service spokesman said: “Once outside the building they were able to administer oxygen therapy to the cat using a specialist set of breathing apparatus designed for pets.



😍


----------



## not-bono-ever (Nov 18, 2021)

For some reason I was drawn into this leader from the local Melton press.it’s so mundane and petty , it is quite special 









						‘We have been dumped like garbage’
					

Splinters have emerged in the ruling Conservative group on Melton Borough Council after two councillors were removed as chairs of key committees following disagreements with leader Joe Orson.




					www.meltontimes.co.uk


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Nov 19, 2021)

😮


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 19, 2021)

josef1878 2.0 said:


> 😮


Let’s see it properly


----------



## quiet guy (Nov 19, 2021)

A lot of Rugby League players seem to have this style as well.😆


----------



## two sheds (Nov 19, 2021)

Yeh I for one wouldn't say anything to them about it


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 22, 2021)

Three penises stolen from shop - 11 years after one was seized by cops
					

The willys were stolen from the yard of Simply Dutch in Leeming Bar earlier this week




					www.gazettelive.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 22, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> Three penises stolen from shop - 11 years after one was seized by cops
> 
> 
> The willys were stolen from the yard of Simply Dutch in Leeming Bar earlier this week
> ...



I liked this bit -



> The 58-year-old made headlines across the world in 2010 when a 4ft high concrete willy from his shop, which he refused to remove from the window, was seized by police. Officers, who had received complaints about it being obscene, *carted off the masonry manhood on April Fools' Day.*
> 
> Jason refused to pay an £80 fine to get the stone penis back and *instead ordered 150 more of the ornaments from Indonesia.
> 
> ...



Jason Hadlow with a police officer and the offending object



> He said that they managed to capture some CCTV of the thieves but, due to the light conditions, they were unable to identify them.
> 
> Jason added: "We should have had night vision out there, frankly we cocked up!"


----------



## hitmouse (Nov 22, 2021)

Burglar steals eight Pot Noodles but leaves some flavours behind
					

The thief is said to have taken the beef and tomato flavoured pot noodles but left the chicken and mushroom ones behind




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk
				




Taking the beef and tomatoes but leaving the chicken and mushrooms behind? Appalling taste.


----------



## quiet guy (Nov 22, 2021)

It's a definite niche market for concrete penises. Wouldn't have thought Hambleton District was a hotbed of penis sculptures 😆


----------



## petee (Nov 24, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> I was reading about bog bodies when this rather unexpected piece of speculation turned up (OK - not a local newspaper headline but not sure where else to put it)
> 
> 
> 
> ...



i actually had read that idea decades ago. it was strange then too.


----------



## Brainaddict (Nov 28, 2021)

A reasonable thing to be annoyed about but posting for the classic 'disgruntled residents standing around with arms crossed' photo: London road so dangerous parents are afraid to let their children walk home


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Nov 28, 2021)

Headline writer going for cheap laughs, I think.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 28, 2021)

Do they not celebrate Stan Laurel in Ulverston?


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 28, 2021)

Not sure where to start with this 









						Woman accused of using sex toy and masturbating in public
					

Chloe Thompson, 41, from Middlesbrough, has pleaded not guilty to the three charges




					www.gazettelive.co.uk


----------



## existentialist (Nov 28, 2021)

seeformiles said:


> Not sure where to start with this
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I like the way the article has punctiliously avoided any misgendering, and just reported the facts as they are. Women can have dicks. New reality, and we'll get used to it in time.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Nov 28, 2021)

hash tag said:


> Do they not celebrate Stan Laurel in Ulverston?


They do.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Nov 28, 2021)

existentialist said:


> I like the way the article has punctiliously avoided any misgendering, and just reported the facts as they are. Women can have dicks. New reality, and we'll get used to it in time.


Just don’t draw this article to the attention of JK Rowling et al, they will extrapolate like hell. This happened in Middlesbrough. What happens in Middlesbrough stays in Middlesbrough.


----------



## MrSki (Dec 1, 2021)




----------



## bluescreen (Dec 3, 2021)

Have we had this yet?












						Granthshala News
					

Granthshala.com provides the latest news from the US and around the world. Get breaking news alerts from the US and follow today’s live news updates in fields of politics, business, technology, Hollywood, Sport, and more.




					granthshala.com


----------



## petee (Dec 11, 2021)

most canadian story of the day









						Amid shortage, Canada taps into emergency maple syrup reserves
					

The Canadian province of Quebec produces 70% of the world's maple syrup supply.



					www.bbc.com
				




_Global supply shortages have hit toy shops in the US and coffee producers in Brazil. In Canada, the country's liquid gold - maple syrup - is running low.
The Quebec Maple Syrup Producers (QMSP) - the so-called Opec of maple syrup - has released about 22m kg from its emergency larder, nearly half the total in reserve._


----------



## seeformiles (Dec 13, 2021)

The accordion is the devil’s instrument. If this story further demonises the practitioners of the same then things will not have been in vain


----------



## surreybrowncap (Dec 14, 2021)




----------



## surreybrowncap (Dec 14, 2021)




----------



## bluescreen (Dec 14, 2021)

I liked it until, dear god, that last bit.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 14, 2021)

bluescreen said:


> I liked it until, dear god, that last bit.



It's made-up bollocks, normal Sunday Sport nonsense, but that last bit is totally out of order.


----------



## surreybrowncap (Dec 14, 2021)

bluescreen said:


> I liked it until, dear god, that last bit.


Crikey - yes. I only initially read the headline……


----------



## Serge Forward (Dec 14, 2021)

Either 100% made up, or loosely based on events with heavy artistic licence by a racist writer.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 14, 2021)

Serge Forward said:


> Either 100% made up, or loosely based on events with heavy artistic licence by a racist writer.



I would say 100% made up, remember this is the comic that had front page splashes, such as a London bus being discovered at the Antarctic, a World War II bomber spotted on the Moon, and a statue of Elvis Presley seen on Mars.


----------



## bluescreen (Dec 14, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> I would say 100% made up, remember this is the comic that had front page splashes, such as a London bus being discovered at the Antarctic, a World War II bomber spotted on the Moon, and a statue of Elvis Presley seen on Mars.


Can't say they've ever registered on my radar. Are these the Freddy Starr Ate My Hamster people? Not really in the spirit then.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 14, 2021)

bluescreen said:


> Can't say they've ever registered on my radar. Are these the Freddy Starr Ate My Hamster people? Not really in the spirit then.



The Sun did the 'Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster' one.


----------



## Serge Forward (Dec 14, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> I would say 100% made up, remember this is the comic that had front page splashes, such as a London bus being discovered at the Antarctic, a World War II bomber spotted on the Moon, and a statue of Elvis Presley seen on Mars.


I'd forgotten that. I saw it a couple of times when it first came out (a serious what the fuck moment). To be honest, I didn't realise it was still going... so it's not only the Morning Star that never gets featured on The Papers slot on BBC news channel


----------



## Voley (Dec 14, 2021)

Classic letter from Angry People In Local Newspapers here. Stick with it until the killer final sentence.


----------



## hitmouse (Dec 14, 2021)

"violated by the tracks of mechanised machinery" is great, because it's one of those rare phrases where you wouldn't be able to guess whether it came from an angry letter in the local paper or a flowery anti-civ informal insurrectionist communique. Top work.


----------



## Voley (Dec 14, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> "violated by the tracks of mechanised machinery" is great, because it's one of those rare phrases where you wouldn't be able to guess whether it came from an angry letter in the local paper or a flowery anti-civ informal insurrectionist communique. Top work.


Also reminds me of:


----------



## two sheds (Dec 14, 2021)

You'd be tempted to write in and ask how many people died and was it when they were cutting back the overhanging branches or when people were being violated by the machinery.


----------



## hash tag (Dec 14, 2021)

a total of 0000017 people signed the petition


----------



## not henry (Dec 14, 2021)

Customer's fury as cafe charges him almost £50 for coffee and a biscuit
					

Nick Matthews was accidentally charged £47 in a 'technical error' at Yarm's Caffe Nero




					www.gazettelive.co.uk
				



This FURIOUS complainant was charged over the odds for his normal coffee order when he should have been only charged normally over the odds. Despite the company contacting FURIOUS customer to reimburse him etc., the FURIOUS customer could not let it lie and nothing else would suffice than said FURY had to be splashed all over a regional newspaper (fit only for lighting the fire now that the nights have drawn in) complete with his "studio portrait"? picture. I want to VOMIT I am so FURIOUS.


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Dec 14, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> I would say 100% made up, remember this is the comic that had front page splashes, such as a London bus being discovered at the Antarctic, a World War II bomber spotted on the Moon, and a statue of Elvis Presley seen on Mars.


Hang on, you mean they didn't find a World War Two bomber on the moon? 😯


----------



## MickiQ (Dec 16, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> I would say 100% made up, remember this is the comic that had front page splashes, such as a London bus being discovered at the Antarctic, a World War II bomber spotted on the Moon, and a statue of Elvis Presley seen on Mars.


I thought it had folded a decade ago, I remember the first two stories but not the last (and only believable) one. It was (and presumably still is?) the Sun with page 3 on every page.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 16, 2021)

MickiQ said:


> *I thought it had folded a decade ago*, I remember the first two stories but not the last (and only believable) one. It was (and presumably still is?) the Sun with page 3 on every page.



It did, but returned a few weeks later.



> The company entered administration on 1 April 2011, at which point publisher Richard Desmond refused to continue printing the titles because of outstanding debts.
> 
> The _Sunday Sport_ returned to newsstands several weeks later on 8 May 2011, after Sullivan reacquired it for £50,000. The paper currently appears three times a week as the _Sunday Sport_ (Sundays), the _Midweek Sport_ (Wednesdays), and the _Weekend Sport_ (Fridays), all published by Sullivan's company Sunday Sport (2011) Limited.











						Sunday Sport - Wikipedia
					






					en.wikipedia.org


----------



## MickiQ (Dec 16, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> It did, but returned a few weeks later.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Did not know that, I've missed out on a whole decade of tittle-tattle and outrageous bollocks, Do they still show plenty of bare bosoms? even the Sun jagged that in a while ago.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 16, 2021)

MickiQ said:


> Did not know that, I've missed out on a whole decade of tittle-tattle and outrageous bollocks, Do they still show plenty of bare bosoms? even the Sun jagged that in a while ago.



No idea, I've not seen it in years, most news outlets don't stock it, much like the Morning Star.


----------



## existentialist (Dec 17, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> No idea, I've not seen it in years, most news outlets don't stock it, much like the Morning Star.


TBF, that's probably where the similarity ends. Unless the Morning Star has radically revamped itself since the last time I saw a copy in a newsagent.


----------



## bluescreen (Dec 17, 2021)

Not funny but an eye-popping police pursuit for anyone who knows these roads. Driver was given a year inside.








						‘Astonishingly dangerous’ police pursuit caught on camera through Cambridge
					

Robert Busby has now been jailed




					www.cambridge-news.co.uk


----------



## Brainaddict (Dec 18, 2021)

I thought the police didn't usually do these pursuits in the UK due to the danger. I could understand if it was to prevent a greater crime or something, but otherwise they should surely just be taking the plate and trying to pick him up later.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 18, 2021)

Brainaddict said:


> I thought the police didn't usually do these pursuits in the UK due to the danger. I could understand if it was to prevent a greater crime or something, but otherwise they should surely just be taking the plate and trying to pick him up later.



They do it all the time, there's various 'real life' police TV programmes featuring car chases.


----------



## hash tag (Dec 18, 2021)

I was going to say that I thought the roads in Cambs. were notoriously bad until I read 80 in a 20 limit.


----------



## Brainaddict (Dec 18, 2021)

cupid_stunt said:


> They do it all the time, there's various 'real life' police TV programmes featuring car chases.


Interesting, I don't watch such things and had got the impression it wasn't usually done. Maybe it's just that the policy errs more on the side of caution than some other places. You can actually see the policy here Police pursuits


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 18, 2021)

Brainaddict said:


> Interesting, I don't watch such things and had got the impression it wasn't usually done. Maybe it's just that the policy errs more on the side of caution than some other places. You can actually see the policy here Police pursuits



In those programmes, they often show the cop on the radio to base getting permission for the pursuit, or to continue it when circumstances change, so clearly sometimes they are called off, they don't show that often, because it's not so entertaining. But, they often show high speed chases in built-up areas.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 18, 2021)

A big scoop for the Manchester Evening News.









						Takeaway forced to refund customer who complained their ice cream was cold
					

Hassan Habib, who runs Lucky's in Oldham, has had several suspicious refund requests through Just Eat




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk


----------



## petee (Dec 20, 2021)

syphilitic canadian cemetery bunnies.

i said, *syphilitic canadian cemetery bunnies.*

and it doesn't get any better after that.









						Edmonton's syphilitic cemetery bunnies killed off by different rare rabbit disease
					

A fluffle of




					edmontonjournal.com
				




_A fluffle of feral cemetery rabbits at a northwest Edmonton cemetery, plagued by a syphilis outbreak in 2020, has been wiped out by a different and rare illness.
Rabbit haemorrhagic disease (RHD) was discovered in three bunnies living in the colony at and around Holy Cross Cemetery in September, according to a memo from the Alberta government. By the end of September about 50 had died or disappeared._


----------



## two sheds (Dec 20, 2021)

rabbits don't do  well  some bugger introduced myxomatosis over here which is a nasty fucking disease  of fluffy bunnies 









						Myxomatosis to control rabbits - CSIROpedia
					

Rabbits were introduced to Australia in 1859 by a wealthy Victorian grazier keen on the sport of hunting. Hunters, however, […]




					csiropedia.csiro.au


----------



## hitmouse (Dec 20, 2021)

petee said:


> syphilitic canadian cemetery bunnies.
> 
> i said, *syphilitic canadian cemetery bunnies.*
> 
> ...


fluffle!


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Dec 20, 2021)

hitmouse said:


> fluffle!


as in *Alexander Boris de Fluffle Johnson?*


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Dec 20, 2021)




----------



## Yossarian (Dec 21, 2021)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Dec 21, 2021)

TBF, he needs to pull his finger out, and point at it.


----------



## editor (Dec 22, 2021)




----------



## pseudonarcissus (Dec 22, 2021)

Both the Flying Squad and the Cones Hotline have been drafted in to assist Cumbria Constabulary on this one
​Cumbria Police investigating Arnside road obstruction​


----------



## seeformiles (Dec 22, 2021)

I don’t mean to play down the effect of flashing in my area but :









						Fears grow over 'multiple Roundhay Park flashers' as police speak out
					

Police admitted descriptions of the man seen masturbating in the Leeds park have sometimes differed




					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Dec 23, 2021)

Feel good story of the day. Not local but good news has to be shared:









						Coldplay to stop making music as a band in 2025
					

The band's frontman Chris Martin made the revelation in an interview with BBC Radio 2's Jo Whiley.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## hitmouse (Dec 24, 2021)

pseudonarcissus said:


> Both the Flying Squad and the Cones Hotline have been drafted in to assist Cumbria Constabulary on this one
> ​Cumbria Police investigating Arnside road obstruction​
> View attachment 302342


Again, testament to the wisdom and foresight of John Major.

Anyway, SCOTTISH BUS STOP BIN EMU:








						Bin-raiding Emu baffles locals after huge bird caught feasting at bus stop
					

The creature was caught snooping through the rubbish next to a bus stop in West Lothian yesterday.




					www.dailyrecord.co.uk


----------



## BCBlues (Dec 24, 2021)

Photos of three men released in connection with ballot papers robbery









						Photos of three men released in connection with ballot papers robbery
					

By-elections for the Dawley & Aqueduct and Dawley Hamlets wards took place last week




					www.birminghammail.co.uk
				




Maybe they thought they could help Trump, I dunno, I'm baffled.

Happy Christmas everyone


----------



## Indeliblelink (Dec 25, 2021)

ITV newsreader accidentally announces death of the Pope
					

Pope Francis, who has not died, featured in ITV's Evening News




					www.liverpoolecho.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Dec 25, 2021)

On Christmas day as well.


----------



## Onslow (Dec 26, 2021)

Absolutely thrilled to randomly log back into U75 and see a thread I started when I was 20 is still going strong 15 years on !!


----------



## two sheds (Dec 26, 2021)

There should be a photograph with you pointing at it really.


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Jan 1, 2022)

.


----------



## petee (Jan 2, 2022)

_‘Everyone came at once’_​
i guess the guardian isn't doing phrasing anymore









						‘Everyone came at once’: America’s national parks reckon with record-smashing year
					

Crowds at ‘crown jewel’ sites have meant more trash, more rescues and unaffordable housing nearby




					www.theguardian.com


----------



## hitmouse (Jan 5, 2022)

Did we all miss this festive yuletide story at the time?








						Asda shopper left fuming after accidentally buying tiny mince pies
					

"As we're all trying to reduce our plastic usage this just seems unnecessary and a waste of plastic."




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk


----------



## bluescreen (Jan 5, 2022)

hitmouse said:


> Did we all miss this festive yuletide story at the time?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Clearly the weight of the package, and no doubt the weight printed on the package, gave no indication of the size of the product.
Clearly they should have set up a separate plastic packaging line for the mince pies for the clueless customer.


----------



## Sprocket. (Jan 8, 2022)

Dearne Valley Weekender.
Like the advert for mobility scooters above the headlines.


----------



## hash tag (Jan 8, 2022)

How old is that story


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 8, 2022)

hash tag said:


> How old is that story



 The newspaper is dated yesterday.


----------



## bluescreen (Jan 8, 2022)

hash tag said:


> How old is that story


It's a very old fashioned style, then I noticed the date. 
Then I noticed the 01 numbers.


----------



## two sheds (Jan 8, 2022)

some local newspaper stories are timeless


----------



## Sprocket. (Jan 8, 2022)

hash tag said:


> How old is that story


This week, it’s a free paper. My father in law sends a copy over when mrs s visits.
I only read it to find out how many of my mates, workmates and old schoolmates are dead.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 8, 2022)

Rolling eyes patronising ignorant cunt ent e?


----------



## MrSki (Jan 10, 2022)




----------



## hash tag (Jan 10, 2022)

That will have locals chomping at the bit.


----------



## Yossarian (Jan 11, 2022)

_Police received a report of an egg being thrown at a house on Newstead Road in Weymouth at around 4pm on Saturday_









						Egg reportedly thrown at house in Weymouth
					

POLICE are carrying out enquiries after an egg was reportedly thrown at a house in Weymouth.




					www.dorsetecho.co.uk


----------



## hitmouse (Jan 11, 2022)

Sprocket. said:


> View attachment 305032
> Dearne Valley Weekender.
> Like the advert for mobility scooters above the headlines.


Oh, a bloke I went to school with went on to get in the local paper for falling asleep while burgling someone's house. When the homeowner woke him up he asked if they could lend him a cigarette, and they were able to get rid of him by saying yes but he had to smoke it outside and then closing the door after him.


----------



## hash tag (Jan 11, 2022)

Yossarian said:


> _Police received a report of an egg being thrown at a house on Newstead Road in Weymouth at around 4pm on Saturday_
> 
> 
> 
> ...


soft or hard boiled?


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 12, 2022)

Yossarian said:


> _Police received a report of an egg being thrown at a house on Newstead Road in Weymouth at around 4pm on Saturday_
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I like the inset photo in case you weren’t too sure what an egg is.


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 12, 2022)

Not local but a lovely story all the same:


----------



## Boris Sprinkler (Jan 15, 2022)




----------



## Artaxerxes (Jan 15, 2022)

Erm... Has anyone seen Big Bird lately?


----------



## hash tag (Jan 16, 2022)

and to think cupid_stunt  reckons Worthing has pot hole issues Infamous road's potholes listed as top attraction on TripAdvisor


----------



## petee (Jan 16, 2022)

North Pole man fatally shot in attempted robbery on Santa Claus Lane​
that's cold.









						North Pole man fatally shot in attempted robbery on Santa Claus Lane
					

The shooting took place in the parking lot near a Taco Bell.




					www.wpxi.com


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 18, 2022)




----------



## bluescreen (Jan 18, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> View attachment 306462


"a roller-coaster of emotion"! Won't anyone think of the potato?


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 18, 2022)

bluescreen said:


> "a roller-coaster of emotion"! Won't anyone think of the potato?



Here’s the cart he built for it 🙂


----------



## kabbes (Jan 18, 2022)

That has the appearance of one cancerous potato.  Can potatoes get cancer?


----------



## Serge Forward (Jan 18, 2022)

It'll be a bastard to peel


----------



## MrSki (Jan 18, 2022)




----------



## MrSki (Jan 18, 2022)




----------



## MrSki (Jan 18, 2022)




----------



## Elpenor (Jan 18, 2022)




----------



## JimW (Jan 18, 2022)

Rotten buggers!


----------



## Elpenor (Jan 18, 2022)

JimW said:


> Rotten buggers!


A fairly judgemental editorial view I thought - the mistype has of course been corrected.


----------



## Doctor Carrot (Jan 18, 2022)

Elpenor said:


> View attachment 306510


Love that one because as I was scrolling down I was thinking yeah... so?.... and?.... Oh there it is


----------



## quiet guy (Jan 19, 2022)

Serge Forward said:


> It'll be a bastard to peel


But think of how much mash or chips you'd get out of it


----------



## MrSki (Jan 20, 2022)




----------



## RubyToogood (Jan 20, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Here’s the cart he built for it 🙂
> 
> View attachment 306473


I think they have dug up a valuable early Henry Moore.


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 20, 2022)

RubyToogood said:


> I think they have dug up a valuable early Henry Moore.



Or a Willendorf Venus?


----------



## Dogsauce (Jan 21, 2022)

Yes, not local, but it definitely belongs here.


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 21, 2022)

Dogsauce said:


> Yes, not local, but it definitely belongs here.
> 
> View attachment 306816


----------



## kabbes (Jan 21, 2022)

Elpenor said:


> A fairly judgemental editorial view I thought - the mistype has of course been corrected.


Was it supposed to be buglers?


----------



## bluescreen (Jan 21, 2022)

kabbes said:


> Was it supposed to be buglers?


Or burghers?


----------



## fishfinger (Jan 21, 2022)

Definitely huggers.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jan 21, 2022)

Dead man ‘propped up by two other men in attempt to collect pension at post office’
					

A dead man was brought to a post office this morning in an attempt to collect his pension in one of the most bizarre incidents that gardaí have ever seen.




					www.independent.ie


----------



## Dogsauce (Jan 21, 2022)

Indeliblelink said:


> Dead man ‘propped up by two other men in attempt to collect pension at post office’
> 
> 
> A dead man was brought to a post office this morning in an attempt to collect his pension in one of the most bizarre incidents that gardaí have ever seen.
> ...


It’s impossible to read some of the quotes from local officials without hearing them in Father Ted’s voice.



> Mayor of Carlow, Fianna Fáil Councillor Ken Murnane, expressed shock at the news.
> 
> “I heard there was a commotion in the post office,” he said this evening.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jan 21, 2022)

I like the fact one of witnesses describes the dead man as "looking unwell".


----------



## petee (Jan 21, 2022)

Indeliblelink said:


> Dead man ‘propped up by two other men in attempt to collect pension at post office’
> 
> 
> A dead man was brought to a post office this morning in an attempt to collect his pension in one of the most bizarre incidents that gardaí have ever seen.
> ...



that's the most irish thing I've read this year.


----------



## ouirdeaux (Jan 21, 2022)

That may be the most Irish thing I've ever read.


----------



## danny la rouge (Jan 22, 2022)

Indeliblelink said:


> Dead man ‘propped up by two other men in attempt to collect pension at post office’
> 
> 
> A dead man was brought to a post office this morning in an attempt to collect his pension in one of the most bizarre incidents that gardaí have ever seen.
> ...


“It’s a small shop and you’re only allowed three at a time with social distancing.”

Although, technically …


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 22, 2022)

I know the Daily Star is a bit of a comic, but they seem now to want to complete with the totally made-up stuff you expect from the Sunday Sport.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 22, 2022)

Indeliblelink said:


> Dead man ‘propped up by two other men in attempt to collect pension at post office’
> 
> 
> A dead man was brought to a post office this morning in an attempt to collect his pension in one of the most bizarre incidents that gardaí have ever seen.
> ...


I know a story about two homeless drinkers in London who used another drinking buddy’s pad to get drunk and doss. Their host died on the sofa, but they didn’t want to lose their warm drinking pissing hovel so they just left him there, claiming his benefits too. He started smelling even too much for addicts with an already poor hygiene awareness, so they wrapped him in a rug and disposed of him on the end of the corridor/balcony outside their flat. Being hardcore drinkers, their cunning plan did not work as the corpse was found and immediately linked to the stinky flat down the hall. The police made enquiries and the dossers kept mum and claimed they knew nothing until a brief search of the flat found a decomposing detached hand stuck to a sofa cushion in coagulated umska, unnoticed by Bernie’s ‘friends’


----------



## hash tag (Jan 22, 2022)

Indeliblelink said:


> Dead man ‘propped up by two other men in attempt to collect pension at post office’
> 
> 
> A dead man was brought to a post office this morning in an attempt to collect his pension in one of the most bizarre incidents that gardaí have ever seen.
> ...


danny la rouge help; I am sure there was an old film, maybe B&W with a story line like this. Maybe it was trying to claim an inheritance?


----------



## hash tag (Jan 22, 2022)

Robot does a runner









						Robot vacuum cleaner escapes from Cambridge Travelodge
					

The automated vacuum device ignores a hotel door's threshold and makes a break for freedom.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 22, 2022)

hash tag said:


> Robot does a runner
> 
> 
> 
> ...





> While some readers joked about the robot's adventures, one feared for its safety in the great outdoors, pointing out that "nature abhors a vacuum".


----------



## chandlerp (Jan 22, 2022)

hash tag said:


> danny la rouge help; I am sure there was an old film, maybe B&W with a story line like this. Maybe it was trying to claim an inheritance?


there was Waking Ned a good while back about a lottery winner who died and the whole town trying to claim the money pretending he was still alive.


----------



## danny la rouge (Jan 22, 2022)

hash tag said:


> danny la rouge help; I am sure there was an old film, maybe B&W with a story line like this. Maybe it was trying to claim an inheritance?


Yes, that rings a bell. An Ealing comedy.  Also Waking Ned as has been said.


----------



## two sheds (Jan 22, 2022)

Kind Hearts and Coronets isn't quite there, where 9th heir to a title murders the other eight. Andrew may be watching that soon for hints though.


----------



## hash tag (Jan 22, 2022)

It says it all about travel lodge. Even a robot, devoid of soul, personality etc. Escapes.


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 22, 2022)

Exciting local news article containing just five pictures of empty streets taken because Hollywood stars might film near there soon:








						Leeds prepares for arrival of Hollywood superstars as filming begins for Marvel's Secret Invasion
					

The city is getting prepared for a visit from Hollywood as filming for a new Marvel show is set to begin on Sunday.




					www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 22, 2022)

two sheds said:


> Kind Hearts and Coronets isn't quite there, where 9th heir to a title murders the other eight. Andrew may be watching that soon for hints though.



In my top 10 films of all time. Endlessly inventive and quotable:

“I shot an arrow in the air
 She fell to earth in Leicester Square” 

😀


----------



## two sheds (Jan 22, 2022)

And Passport to Pimlico that's up there too


----------



## mx wcfc (Jan 22, 2022)

two sheds said:


> And Passport to Pimlico that's up there too


If anyone is really into the Ealing "Comedies" genre, I took two DVD box sets to Emmaus in Winchester last weekend, which my mother wanted rid of/.

FFS, people.


----------



## Serge Forward (Jan 22, 2022)

mx wcfc said:


> If anyone is really into the Ealing "Comedies" genre, I took two DVD box sets to Emmaus in Winchester last weekend, which my mother wanted rid of/.
> 
> FFS, people.


Yep, they're fucking great. Lavender Hill Mob and the Laykillers are two of my faves. Anyone who doesn't like them is a wrong 'un.


----------



## flypanam (Jan 23, 2022)

More on the dead man’s pension 









						Men who took 'corpse' to post office say 'he was alive when we left the house'
					

TWO MEN under investigation over suspicions they brought a dead man to the post office to claim his pension yesterday insisted to the Sunday World: "He was alive when we left the house."




					m.sundayworld.com


----------



## JimW (Jan 23, 2022)

flypanam said:


> More on the dead man’s pension
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That puts them in the frame for murder too, then.


----------



## rekil (Jan 23, 2022)

The master criminal always makes one fatal error.









						Dangerous driver found hiding under bed | Meath Chronicle
					

A MAN who drove head on at a patrol car during a garda chase in Navan two years ago was jailed for two years at Trim Circuit Court and banned from driving for ten years.




					www.meathchronicle.ie
				






> Although he made good his escape on foot after entering a cul de sac and making a 360 degree turn, he was later found hiding under a bed in a house where he had been living.


----------



## AnnO'Neemus (Jan 23, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Or a Willendorf Venus?
> 
> View attachment 306798


Years ago, before Google was a thing, an ex-bf called me his Venus of Willendorf, and I was quite flattered to be compared to a goddess, thinking, of course, of more typical depictions of the goddess, in statues and paintings.

And then I saw an image of the Venus of Willendorf.

🙄😭🤣


----------



## krtek a houby (Jan 24, 2022)

Well, this is disturbing, if the two did what the papers have been suggesting

Gardaí rule out foul play after body of pensioner left at Carlow post office


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 24, 2022)

krtek a houby said:


> Well, this is disturbing, if the two did what the papers have been suggesting
> 
> Gardaí rule out foul play after body of pensioner left at Carlow post office



The Gardaí have only ruled out foul play in the actual death, but the investigation continues into ' if his body was mistreated or mishandled in a criminal manner, and if an effort was made to fraudulently collect his pension.'


----------



## two sheds (Jan 24, 2022)

> Mr Doyle’s death notice states he died “suddenly” and that he was “predeceased by his parents Patrick and Anne, sister Angeline and brother Lar”.



that's a bit concerning, too


----------



## hitmouse (Jan 24, 2022)

A classic headline:








						Woman fuming over price of Tesco leg of lamb becomes talk of Ramsbottom
					

Clive, a Tesco leg of lamb and a viral post that has sparked a feverish debate - and plenty of quips...




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jan 24, 2022)

hitmouse said:


> A classic headline:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



It being in Ramsbottom is funny in itself, but...



> Bill Higham joked: "I don't know why Clive is being lambasted".
> Ben Price added: "I know how you feel. Bought some venison the other day, that was dead dear too."
> 
> "Clive are ewe ok," quipped another.
> ...


----------



## hitmouse (Jan 24, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> It being in Ramsbottom is funny in itself, but...


I was just about to post that bit!


----------



## Orang Utan (Jan 24, 2022)

JimW said:


> That puts them in the frame for murder too, then.


Nice fellas:


----------



## krtek a houby (Jan 24, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> Nice fellas:
> View attachment 307269



Because of their looks?


----------



## hitmouse (Jan 24, 2022)

Decapitated Colin the Caterpillar ruins Christmas dessert in Derbyshire
					

A lack of coleslaw also makes the list




					www.derbytelegraph.co.uk


----------



## ouirdeaux (Jan 24, 2022)

I can't click that link.

Whatever the story is, it cannot possibly live up to its promise. I couldn't handle the disillusionment.


----------



## hash tag (Jan 25, 2022)

Seems like even the BEEB is muscling in on the catchy headlines 








						Dorset knob-throwing festival axed over size issues
					

The festival which sees savoury biscuits hurled down a field in Dorset had been set to go ahead in May.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Jan 25, 2022)

Indeliblelink said:


> Dead man ‘propped up by two other men in attempt to collect pension at post office’
> 
> 
> A dead man was brought to a post office this morning in an attempt to collect his pension in one of the most bizarre incidents that gardaí have ever seen.
> ...


A quick update


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 26, 2022)

hitmouse said:


> A classic headline:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Crikey what year does this person think it is? Lamb has always been expensive and post-Brexit even more so. Perhaps she should switch to mince 🙂


----------



## dessiato (Jan 26, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Crikey what year does this person think it is? Lamb has always been expensive and post-Brexit even more so. Perhaps she should switch to mince 🙂


I read that as "mice."


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 26, 2022)

dessiato said:


> I read that as "mice."



She’d likely complain about the price of mice as well


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 26, 2022)

krtek a houby said:


> Because of their looks?



Tbf he does look like a right fucking eejit too.


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 27, 2022)

Dorset knob-throwing festival axed over size issues
					

The festival which sees savoury biscuits hurled down a field in Dorset had been set to go ahead in May.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Jan 27, 2022)

hash tag said:


> Seems like even the BEEB is muscling in on the catchy headlines
> 
> 
> 
> ...





seeformiles said:


> Dorset knob-throwing festival axed over size issues
> 
> 
> The festival which sees savoury biscuits hurled down a field in Dorset had been set to go ahead in May.
> ...


Old news 😟


----------



## seeformiles (Jan 28, 2022)

hash tag said:


> Old news 😟



Doh! 😠


----------



## Dystopiary (Jan 29, 2022)

Huw Merriman MP steps in poo in Kent layby on Brexit lorry trip 

"As he stepped off the minibus he found what he thought to be terra firma but was actually human excrement.

Oh well, at least he can claim to have first-hand knowledge of the problems associated with the lack of proper parks for hauliers."


----------



## bluescreen (Jan 29, 2022)

Dystopiary said:


> Huw Merriman MP steps in poo in Kent layby on Brexit lorry trip
> 
> "As he stepped off the minibus he found what he thought to be terra firma but was actually human excrement.
> 
> Oh well, at least he can claim to have first-hand knowledge of the problems associated with the lack of proper parks for hauliers."


One for the thank you to Brexiters thread.


----------



## Dystopiary (Jan 29, 2022)

bluescreen said:


> One for the thank you to Brexiters thread.


----------



## seeformiles (Feb 3, 2022)

Watch: London postal workers ‘get high on hash brownies’
					

Royal Mail has launched a probe after staff at a London sorting office allegedly got high by accidentally eating cannabis-laced brownies from an unclaimed parcel.




					www.standard.co.uk


----------



## two sheds (Feb 3, 2022)

Not sure how you accidentally eat something though.


----------



## dessiato (Feb 3, 2022)

They should be sacked for opening the parcel and stealing the brownies.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 3, 2022)

Your parcel was it eh then? eh? eh?

eta: can't say I'd fancy eating some random biscuits that someone I didn't know had sent through the post though.


----------



## quiet guy (Feb 3, 2022)

Royal Mail management have become aware of this and are investigating the inappropriate behaviour and actions of those filmed.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 3, 2022)

Eating biscuits in work time


----------



## Dogsauce (Feb 3, 2022)

two sheds said:


> Eating biscuits in work time


If the rest of us had decent unions we’d be allowed to do this too.


----------



## hitmouse (Feb 8, 2022)

Meat Loaf graffiti returns to Heaton after 'RIP' tribute removed
					

An unknown painter has taken to spraying tributes to the rock legend on a bridge over the Coast Road




					www.chroniclelive.co.uk


----------



## Indeliblelink (Feb 9, 2022)

Monkey Forest calls in Marvin Gaye impersonator to prompt mating
					

A special concert was held at the forest as organisers attempted to 'encourage' the monkeys




					www.cheshire-live.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Feb 9, 2022)

Man calls 999 after trying to coax swan out of road with baguette
					

Adam Bowler was afraid the swan may be a danger to itself and the public as it wandered around Gledhow Valley Road in Roundhay




					www.leeds-live.co.uk
				




Roundhay is a bit posher than much of Leeds - anywhere else it might have been sliced pan loaf or, if in Alwoodley, it would have been organic sourdough.


----------



## Dogsauce (Feb 9, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Man calls 999 after trying to coax swan out of road with baguette
> 
> 
> Adam Bowler was afraid the swan may be a danger to itself and the public as it wandered around Gledhow Valley Road in Roundhay
> ...


We’d have been throwing stale breadcakes at it in Armley.


----------



## hitmouse (Feb 9, 2022)

Llandudno goat update:








						Asda car park in Llandudno blocked by fighting goats
					

One witness says the Great Orme goats were "having a right scrap" at the entrance to Asda.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## MrSki (Feb 10, 2022)




----------



## MrSki (Feb 10, 2022)




----------



## hitmouse (Feb 11, 2022)

Man 'reunited with false teeth he lost while vomiting in bin 11 years ago'
					

Paul Bishop says his gnashers turned up in the post after Spanish authorities tracked him down using his DNA




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk


----------



## Lorca (Feb 12, 2022)




----------



## Lorca (Feb 12, 2022)




----------



## seeformiles (Feb 12, 2022)

Swindon man promised police officers he would poo in their van - but only managed a wee
					

He was sentenced at Swindon Magistrates' Court



					www.wiltshire999s.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Feb 12, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Swindon man promised police officers he would poo in their van - but only managed a wee
> 
> 
> He was sentenced at Swindon Magistrates' Court
> ...


Begging for food, asking to be sent to prison and then deducting a fine from his benefits. That's quite a sad story.


----------



## seeformiles (Feb 12, 2022)

hash tag said:


> Begging for food, asking to be sent to prison and then deducting a fine from his benefits. That's quite a sad story.



Yep - I think he needs some mental health intervention.


----------



## jakethesnake (Feb 12, 2022)

Van driver accidentally tears off car park roof


----------



## two sheds (Feb 12, 2022)

That photo is worth repeating


----------



## hash tag (Feb 12, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Yep - I think he needs some mental health intervention.


Substance abuse as well?


----------



## hash tag (Feb 12, 2022)

Especially for cupid_stunt to prove Worthing does not have a monopoly on pot holes Angry husband wants council to pay for pothole damage to wife's Porsche


----------



## hitmouse (Feb 13, 2022)

hitmouse said:


> A classic headline:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The drama just does not stop in Ramsbottom:








						'I'm not a snob but it's horrible': Locals slam new store but owner doesn't care
					

One woman said the shop ‘looks like it fits into Cheetham Hill or Strangeways area'




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Feb 13, 2022)

It's Poor Clive I feel sorry for.


----------



## Badgers (Feb 13, 2022)

Chinese takeaway goes viral for savage responses to customers
					

The owner of a Chinese takeaway has become an internet icon for her fiery responses to disgruntled customers.Alice Cheung, the boss of Oriental Express restaurant in Pudsey, West Yorkshire has garnered 149 reviews on Just Eat – and she’s made a point of personally replying to every negative...




					www.indy100.com


----------



## hash tag (Feb 14, 2022)

It must be a slow news day in Inverness








						Firefighters rescue pet owner stuck in tree during bid to catch parrot
					

Dorset and Wiltshire Fire and Rescue Service said it was a ‘reminder of the danger’ posed in attempting to rescue pets.




					www.inverness-courier.co.uk


----------



## hitmouse (Feb 14, 2022)

hash tag said:


> It must be a slow news day in Inverness
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Very slow indeed, if they're needing to get their news from Dorset!


----------



## hash tag (Feb 14, 2022)

hitmouse said:


> Very slow indeed, if they're needing to get their news from Dorset!


Exactly my point. 👍


----------



## quiet guy (Feb 14, 2022)

hitmouse said:


> The drama just does not stop in Ramsbottom:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Best quote 
"It’s about time people of Ramsbottom got their heads from up their a***s,” Sue Triplow said.


----------



## ddraig (Feb 14, 2022)

Wales online


----------



## seeformiles (Feb 15, 2022)

'Ghost umbrella' baffles public as it disappears from abandoned house
					

Tourists hoping to spot Norwich's "ghost umbrella" were left disappointed this morning after finding it has disappeared.




					www.eveningnews24.co.uk


----------



## Dystopiary (Feb 18, 2022)

Big news from the East Midlands. 

Man left 1 star review as restaurant didn't serve scrambled eggs


----------



## hitmouse (Feb 19, 2022)

Dystopiary said:


> Big news from the East Midlands.
> 
> Man left 1 star review as restaurant didn't serve scrambled eggs
> 
> View attachment 310804


Tbf, if that is actually the restaurant in general, then having egg-themed posters up on the wall does seem like it's adding insult to injury. No wonder he was pissed off with that up there mocking him.


----------



## hitmouse (Feb 19, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> 'Ghost umbrella' baffles public as it disappears from abandoned house
> 
> 
> Tourists hoping to spot Norwich's "ghost umbrella" were left disappointed this morning after finding it has disappeared.
> ...


I'm disappointed to realise this story is a few days old because an "umbrella on roof mysteriously vanishes" story would be even better if it was from yesterday, but it's still great. "If you have been tampering with Mr Cousins' umbrella or know of its current whereabouts, please email: casey.cooper-fiske@archant.co.uk"


----------



## petee (Feb 22, 2022)

well.









						Cocaine Bear: The True Story Of A Bear That Ate 70 Pounds Of Cocaine
					

Cocaine Bear: The True Story Of A Bear That Ate 70 Pounds Of Cocaine




					www.iflscience.com


----------



## quiet guy (Feb 22, 2022)

Not so sure how they can make a film of that but naming the bear as Pablo Esko-Bear, class.


----------



## seeformiles (Feb 24, 2022)

Family fume as son, 12, barred from going to sausage festival
					

Mum Gemma has sworn to never book an online event again and says the whole family are 'gutted'




					www.examinerlive.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 24, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Family fume as son, 12, barred from going to sausage festival
> 
> 
> Mum Gemma has sworn to never book an online event again and says the whole family are 'gutted'
> ...



Loving the photo.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 24, 2022)

Was just going to post that . They do look like they've been gutted  but had nothing to point at


----------



## hash tag (Feb 24, 2022)

Did they not read the FAQs?


----------



## JimW (Feb 24, 2022)

No one likes a sausage party


----------



## Dogsauce (Feb 27, 2022)

Those websites get worse, impossible to scroll down and read the story without clicking on a link to an ad or another story. Utter shit design and shit user experience on a phone.

Anyhow, I somehow unintentionally clicked on this story in the process which definitely belongs here. Angry Hull people again, bet they’re related to Ronnie Pickering.









						Yorkshire woman demands refund at comedy club over Ukraine invasion
					

The woman claimed that the conflict in Ukraine made it unsafe to travel to Blackpool




					www.examinerlive.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Feb 27, 2022)

Dogsauce said:


> Those websites get worse, impossible to scroll down and read the story without clicking on a link to an ad or another story. Utter shit design and shit user experience on a phone.
> 
> Anyhow, I somehow unintentionally clicked on this story in the process which definitely belongs here. Angry Hull people again, bet they’re related to Ronnie Pickering.
> 
> ...






> The customer's email continued: "We have already lost money on train tickets and our bed and breakfast booking as they say we have just chosen to not go but this is probably just everyone in Blackpool sticking together to scam people during a war. DISGUSTING. "You are supposed to be a comedy store but this is NOT funny at all have some respect. My solicitor WILL be informed and I WILL report you to trading standards if you don't pay me back in 24 hours."
> 
> Ryan shared his response to the customer, which read: *"Despite offering multiple resolutions to your problem, you persisted in calling [our staff member] a liar, swearing at him and asking if he 'masturbates to a poster of Putin'*, at which point he, quite rightly, advised you that he was not going to continue the conversation and gave you our email address. "As Rob mentioned, you are not entitled to a refund, simply because you live 'nearer to Russia than we do'."



Fucking hell, mad as a box of frogs.


----------



## Aladdin (Feb 27, 2022)

Dogsauce said:


> Those websites get worse, impossible to scroll down and read the story without clicking on a link to an ad or another story. Utter shit design and shit user experience on a phone.
> 
> Anyhow, I somehow unintentionally clicked on this story in the process which definitely belongs here. Angry Hull people again, bet they’re related to Ronnie Pickering.
> 
> ...




Maybe they thought all Comedy Clubs were on Putin's list of targets because Volodymyr Zelenskyy was a comedian..

😁


----------



## dessiato (Feb 27, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> Fucking hell, mad as a box of frogs.


It's Hull. It's Yorkshire. Those of us from Lincolnshire recognise our superiority.


----------



## two sheds (Feb 27, 2022)

They're happy to travel with coronavirus about but not with Ukraine.


----------



## hash tag (Feb 27, 2022)




----------



## SpookyFrank (Feb 28, 2022)

Dogsauce said:


> Those websites get worse, impossible to scroll down and read the story without clicking on a link to an ad or another story. Utter shit design and shit user experience on a phone.
> 
> Anyhow, I somehow unintentionally clicked on this story in the process which definitely belongs here. Angry Hull people again, bet they’re related to Ronnie Pickering.
> 
> ...



This is exactly the same as the plot of this book:


​


----------



## Maggot (Mar 1, 2022)

Mum with huge eyebrows branded an unfit mother by trolls
					

Sammie-Jo says people have threatened to report her to social services but she has no plans to change




					www.hulldailymail.co.uk


----------



## two sheds (Mar 1, 2022)

Those are very large eyebrows though.


----------



## Orang Utan (Mar 1, 2022)

two sheds said:


> Those are very large eyebrows though.


I suspect she has subtly enhanced them just a little bit


----------



## Orang Utan (Mar 1, 2022)

Or is just a Leigh Bowery stan


----------



## two sheds (Mar 1, 2022)

unsuitable father


----------



## quiet guy (Mar 2, 2022)

Hull certainly has its pick of characters


----------



## dessiato (Mar 2, 2022)

quiet guy said:


> Hull certainly has its pick of characters


This is true, of course. Unfortunately, she's from Grimsby. I shall look for her next time I'm home. It'll be interesting to see if she really has such exaggerated make-up.


----------



## Badgers (Mar 2, 2022)

Ronnie Pickering speaks out after being 'ambushed' in pub attack
					

Ronnie Pickering says he was an innocent victim of violence




					www.hulldailymail.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Mar 2, 2022)

Maggot said:


> Mum with huge eyebrows branded an unfit mother by trolls
> 
> 
> Sammie-Jo says people have threatened to report her to social services but she has no plans to change
> ...


Whats with that tattoo on her neck


----------



## dessiato (Mar 2, 2022)

Her lips look like they’re outlined with a ballpoint pen.


----------



## Orang Utan (Mar 2, 2022)

Badgers said:


> Ronnie Pickering speaks out after being 'ambushed' in pub attack
> 
> 
> Ronnie Pickering says he was an innocent victim of violence
> ...


Probably well deserved tbf


----------



## ouirdeaux (Mar 2, 2022)

There are many people whom it might be a pleasure to inflict violence upon, especially if you're a violent sort of person, but there are reasons that there are laws against this sort of thing.


----------



## dessiato (Mar 3, 2022)

This came up on Pinterest, it looks like the "eyebrows" might be a bit of a thing.


----------



## hash tag (Mar 3, 2022)

dessiato said:


> This came up on Pinterest, it looks like the "eyebrows" might be a bit of a thing.
> 
> View attachment 312657


I wouldn't try that if I were you.


----------



## dessiato (Mar 4, 2022)

Maggot said:


> Mum with huge eyebrows branded an unfit mother by trolls
> 
> 
> Sammie-Jo says people have threatened to report her to social services but she has no plans to change
> ...


Follow up story









						Grimsby Mum with 'Britain's biggest eyebrows' shows how she looks without them
					

Her Tik Tok follower were shocked telling her she didn't need to 'hide' behind the brows




					www.grimsbytelegraph.co.uk


----------



## petee (Mar 8, 2022)

written by Miss Cellania 









						Box of Human Heads Stolen
					

A commercial truck was broken into in Denver Thursday morning, on 23rd Avenue in the Central Park neighborhood. A box was stolen, but it isn't known if the thief had any idea what was in the box. It was a shipment of cadaver heads that had been donated for medical research. The thief also took a...




					www.neatorama.com


----------



## surreybrowncap (Mar 9, 2022)

petee said:


> written by Miss Cellania
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks for the heads-up ….


----------



## ouirdeaux (Mar 9, 2022)

So many unanswered questions. Is anyone familiar with the standard methods of transporting body parts, preferably in Denver, as local usage may vary? Knowing more about the vehicle would help to solve the vital matter of whether this was intentional or not.


----------



## mwgdrwg (Mar 9, 2022)

*'HORRIFYING' MOMENT MONKEY TRANSFORMS INTO 'KING KONG'









						Video shows moment Chester Zoo monkey snatches seagull from sky and kills it
					

The killer monkey has now been likened to King Kong




					www.dailypost.co.uk
				



*


----------



## ouirdeaux (Mar 9, 2022)

_The 32-year-old began filming and captured it holding the gull by the head and repeatedly slamming it against the side of a pole.

She was reminded of the famous King Kong scene where the giant gorilla stands atop the Empire State Building and plucks planes from the sky before destroying them._

There seems to me to be a slight difference between the two, but I can't quite put my finger on it.


----------



## two sheds (Mar 9, 2022)

Are we sure that wasn't an urban poster in disguise?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 9, 2022)

mwgdrwg said:


> *'HORRIFYING' MOMENT MONKEY TRANSFORMS INTO 'KING KONG'
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Nature at work, farmerbarleymow will love this.


----------



## surreybrowncap (Mar 9, 2022)

ouirdeaux said:


> _The 32-year-old began filming and captured it holding the gull by the head and repeatedly slamming it against the side of a pole.
> 
> She was reminded of the famous King Kong scene where the giant gorilla stands atop the Empire State Building and plucks planes from the sky before destroying them._
> 
> There seems to me to be a slight difference between the two, but I can't quite put my finger on it.


Any news regarding the poor person from Poland……?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 9, 2022)

two sheds said:


> Are we sure that wasn't an urban poster in disguise?



<returns costume to the fancy dress hire shop>

<whistles innocently>


----------



## Orang Utan (Mar 9, 2022)

petee said:


> written by Miss Cellania
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## existentialist (Mar 9, 2022)

surreybrowncap said:


> Thanks for the heads-up ….


Groan


----------



## ChrisD (Mar 12, 2022)

Sorry...not a local newspaper headline but do others think this 2022 election flyer looks a bit dated ?


----------



## Dogsauce (Mar 13, 2022)

Looks proper old school, that’s not actually a fast show character but the third son of the lord of the manor obviously, the one who wasn’t up to inheriting the title or running the estate, send them into politics to keep them out of the way, can’t do much harm there.


----------



## Orang Utan (Mar 13, 2022)

ChrisD said:


> Sorry...not a local newspaper headline but do others think this 2022 election flyer looks a bit dated ?



Are they resigning already?


----------



## bluescreen (Mar 13, 2022)

ChrisD said:


> Sorry...not a local newspaper headline but do others think this 2022 election flyer looks a bit dated ?



Looks like a knitwear catalogue


----------



## hitmouse (Mar 13, 2022)

Turns out this story is a few months old, but it's a good 'un:








						Pothole deep enough to fit a person standing up raises safety concerns in south Fermanagh
					

A pothole so deep a person with the height of around 6ft can stand in it completely has been causing a stir in south Fermanagh.




					www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Mar 14, 2022)

hitmouse said:


> Turns out this story is a few months old, but it's a good 'un:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You know who to call…









						Sir Rod Stewart fills in potholes near his home as 'no-one else can be bothered'
					

Rock star Rod Stewart was happy to get down and dirty with a shovel and some gravel as he decided to solve the pothole problem near his mansion in Essex himself




					www.mirror.co.uk


----------



## petee (Mar 14, 2022)

hitmouse said:


> Turns out this story is a few months old, but it's a good 'un:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



great picture.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 14, 2022)

hitmouse said:


> Turns out this story is a few months old, but it's a good 'un:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This made me laugh -



> A pothole so deep a person with the height of around 6ft can stand in it completely has been causing a stir in south Fermanagh.
> 
> The crater, estimated to be around two feet in diameter, has prompted concern from residents who *fear it is a safety hazard.*



I think it's safe to say, it is a fucking hazard!


----------



## hash tag (Mar 14, 2022)

But, is it a pothole or a crater?


----------



## hitmouse (Mar 14, 2022)

According to the department of infrastructure, it's a culvert.


----------



## Serge Forward (Mar 14, 2022)

Clearly the department of infrastructure don't know what a culvert is


----------



## chandlerp (Mar 14, 2022)

If Rod and his ilk hadn't spent the last forty years as tax exiles, he wouldn't have to be out filling his own potholes


----------



## dessiato (Mar 14, 2022)

Not a headline, but it seems to fit here as much as anywhere



I wonder what the has done to be unwanted.


----------



## two sheds (Mar 14, 2022)

There's an annoying fuck who's started spamming next door with claims that he's part of some organization that gives the best deals on electricity and gas you can get anywhere. A few people have got quotes and said that they're paying less than that already.


----------



## petee (Mar 14, 2022)

----> https://www.urban75.net/forums/thre...orum-for-curtain-twitching-busybodies.372194/


----------



## two sheds (Mar 14, 2022)

petee said:


> ----> https://www.urban75.net/forums/thre...orum-for-curtain-twitching-busybodies.372194/


oops I didn't look at the post before properly


----------



## quiet guy (Mar 14, 2022)

chandlerp said:


> If Rod and his ilk hadn't spent the last forty years as tax exiles, he wouldn't have to be out filling his own potholes


Council have said they don't want citizens taking their own action to fill holes. Safe to say there must be many red faces in the highways department due to this.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Mar 16, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> View attachment 306462











						Owner of 'world's heaviest potato' upset to discover it's not actually a potato
					

No, you're not dreaming.




					metro.co.uk
				




On Tuesday’s This Morning, Colin tuned in from New Zealand to speak to Phillip Schofield and Josie Gibson, sharing his disappointment over the new discovery about his precious Dug – who was placed by his side, decked out with sunglasses.
‘It was a bit of a deflation to find out he wasn’t a potato,’ Colin admitted, despite appearing in good spirits.
‘But as you walk along through life, these s**ty sandwiches, someone chucks them in your lunchbox,’ he added, forcing Phillip to issue a swift apology to viewers for the swear word.


----------



## hash tag (Mar 16, 2022)

For the record it is believed to be a hybrid of a cucumber and a gourd.


----------



## Indeliblelink (Mar 16, 2022)

hash tag said:


> For the record it is believed to be a hybrid of a cucumber and a gourd.


I'm trying to think what that would taste like.


----------



## AverageJoe (Mar 16, 2022)

That guy properly sums up some of the Kiwis attitudes. He's as laid back and as funny as fuck. I could listen to him all day.

If you have itv player you can watch yesterday's full interview which has Phil giggling most of the way through it. It starts at 4 mins 40 secs


Indeliblelink said:


> Owner of 'world's heaviest potato' upset to discover it's not actually a potato
> 
> 
> No, you're not dreaming.
> ...


----------



## seeformiles (Mar 16, 2022)

Indeliblelink said:


> Owner of 'world's heaviest potato' upset to discover it's not actually a potato
> 
> 
> No, you're not dreaming.
> ...



Oh no. I bet he regrets making that wee cart for it now 😢


----------



## Orang Utan (Mar 16, 2022)

It looks more like a record breaking tumour than a tuber


----------



## seeformiles (Mar 18, 2022)

Leeds Woman to discover whether she is related to Kerry Katona in new Channel 4 show
					

A Leeds woman is set to discover whether she has famous DNA and is related to Kerry Katona as part of a new TV show.




					www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk


----------



## gentlegreen (Mar 18, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Oh no. I bet he regrets making that wee cart for it now 😢
> 
> View attachment 314647





> "Colin Craig-Brown, 62, is the son of a horticultural scientist. He and his wife, Donna, 60, ran a small farm. The couple had not previously grown potatoes, meaning Doug would have had to have been self-seeded."
> 
> 
> 
> ...




How could anyone related to an agronomist confuse a potato plant with a cucurbit ??


----------



## Yossarian (Mar 24, 2022)

Chickens have apparently seized power in Essex.


----------



## petee (Mar 27, 2022)

Yossarian said:


> Chickens have apparently seized power in Essex.
> 
> View attachment 315678



All Power To The Flocks!


----------



## danny la rouge (Mar 27, 2022)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Mar 27, 2022)

hitmouse said:


> Turns out this story is a few months old, but it's a good 'un:
> 
> 
> 
> ...





danny la rouge said:


> View attachment 316153


----------



## danny la rouge (Mar 27, 2022)




----------



## hitmouse (Mar 29, 2022)

Not really local news, but a fantastic headline:








						Vine guest insists Royal Family should be 'put in a box with goblins'
					

THE Royal Family should be removed "entirely" and put "into a box" to give way to a republic, Jeremy Vine guest Marina Purkiss said.




					www.express.co.uk
				




Not sure what the poor goblins did to deserve it, though?


----------



## dessiato (Mar 29, 2022)

I’ve just seen this, “torn penis.”









						Man left needing hospital treatment after partner 'yanked penis' during row
					

Following an argument Luke Lal injured his partner's penis by repeatedly pulling it and later sent him a series of abusive messages on a gay dating App




					www.birminghammail.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Mar 29, 2022)

Ouch.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Mar 30, 2022)

I hope for a report on seagull deterrents in the next edition


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 5, 2022)

Crumbs! Lorry sheds biscuit load over Derbyshire road
					

The road in Derbyshire is closed as police try to "digest" the issue.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 5, 2022)

No clothes required: Naked dining comes to Worthing
					

A new form of dining out is on its way to Worthing - but it’s one where the dress code is definitely informal.




					www.sussexexpress.co.uk
				




That's a nope from me.


----------



## JimW (Apr 5, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> No clothes required: Naked dining comes to Worthing
> 
> 
> A new form of dining out is on its way to Worthing - but it’s one where the dress code is definitely informal.
> ...


Never order the meat and two veg.


----------



## dessiato (Apr 5, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> No clothes required: Naked dining comes to Worthing
> 
> 
> A new form of dining out is on its way to Worthing - but it’s one where the dress code is definitely informal.
> ...


No problem, why not? I’d want the seats cleaning before I sat down though. Or a towel, which is replaced between diners.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 5, 2022)

dessiato said:


> No problem, why not?



Well, in your case, you would probably have an accident with hot soup, and end up scalding your bits.


----------



## dessiato (Apr 5, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> Well, in your case, you would probably have an accident with hot soup, and end up scalding your bits.


And not for the first time I fear.


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 5, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> No clothes required: Naked dining comes to Worthing
> 
> 
> A new form of dining out is on its way to Worthing - but it’s one where the dress code is definitely informal.
> ...



“……some people just find a space and just unsheath there,”


----------



## Indeliblelink (Apr 6, 2022)

Isle of Wight: Council's electric vehicle chargers hacked to show porn site
					

Isle of Wight Council says staff are covering up the "inappropriate" website showing on the screen.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 15, 2022)

Leeds flats overrun by huge squealing rats the size of 'small dogs'
					

The dad-of-two finds over 20 rats in a bin at one time and can hear 'squealing' from three floors high




					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Apr 15, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Leeds flats overrun by huge squealing rats the size of 'small dogs'
> 
> 
> The dad-of-two finds over 20 rats in a bin at one time and can hear 'squealing' from three floors high
> ...



It's 2022, nothing surprises me any longer.


----------



## petee (Apr 18, 2022)

Dublin Airport got 12,272 noise complaints last year from just one person
					

One person was responsible for nine in 10 of all complaints about noise from aircraft using Dublin Airport last year.




					www.independent.ie
				




_It is almost double the 6,227 complaints the same individual filed in 2020._


----------



## Maltin (Apr 24, 2022)

Mum blasts Toby Carvery as foot-long hot dog resembles 'E.T.'s finger'
					

The large hot dog was served in a measly bun




					t.co
				





> Mum blasts Toby Carvery as bizarre foot-long hot dog resembles 'E.T.'s finger’





> Worse still, it was served alongside an 'appalling' side salad that consisted merely of a few stalks of raw carrot and cucumber - but no lettuce.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Apr 26, 2022)

Psychic night at Lincoln pub cancelled due to 'unforeseen circumstances'
					

A night of predicting the future might have to wait




					thelincolnite.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 26, 2022)

I bet it smelled good though:









						Sausage factory fire captured on video
					

Pictures show thick plumes of smoke and flames rising from the building in Harlow, Essex.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Apr 26, 2022)

Did it go up with a bang er?


----------



## petee (Apr 27, 2022)

"For example, a December 1997 case shows Santa Claus being convicted of felony burglary and kidnapping, with a charge of assault on a peace officer dismissed by the court. The court records indicate a sentence of 999 years in prison was imposed.

As part of that same test case, the court imposed a no-contact order prohibiting Santa from having any contact with Mickey Mouse. Santa’s bail – listed as “one million bucks” in a possible punning reference to Santa’s reindeer — is stated to have been “posted by Rudolph" "









						'Easter Bunny' listed as prosecutor in hundreds of Iowa court cases - Iowa Capital Dispatch
					

The Easter Bunny is representing the prosecution in several hundred Polk County criminal cases, according to the court's official website.




					iowacapitaldispatch.com


----------



## seeformiles (Apr 29, 2022)

Illinois family finds preserved McDonald's food from over half a century ago in home's wall
					

An order of 63-year-old fries came along with the house just south of the Wisconsin state line.




					www.nbcnews.com


----------



## Artaxerxes (May 1, 2022)

Man’s warning to all-inclusive holiday goers after booze ban
					

Jason Walker is warning holiday goers to read the fine print of their all-inclusive holiday packages after a rule change.




					www.eppingforestguardian.co.uk
				






> Holiday-goers have been warned to read the fine print of their all-inclusive packages after a rule change cracking down on drinking.
> 
> 
> Jason Walker embarked on an ‘all-inclusive holiday’ in Majorca this week but was left feeling “angry” after being told he was only entitled to three free alcoholic drinks per day at his hotel.
> ...


----------



## pseudonarcissus (May 2, 2022)

I’m intrigued by this one

“Ulverston Repair Cafe cancelled due to 'accident' in Booths”

Maybe no one showed up with something to fix so a rogue operative of the repair cafe decided to improvise…









						Repair cafe cancelled due to 'accident' at supermarket
					

A REPAIR cafe session has been cancelled due to an 'accident' at a supermarket.




					www.thewestmorlandgazette.co.uk
				




I hasten to add, reading the article it is clear that the denizens of Ulverston did it cause the “accident”. They are blameless.


----------



## moochedit (May 2, 2022)

Artaxerxes said:


> Man’s warning to all-inclusive holiday goers after booze ban
> 
> 
> Jason Walker is warning holiday goers to read the fine print of their all-inclusive holiday packages after a rule change.
> ...


Max 3 drinks   it's just like nazi germany..etc....


----------



## dessiato (May 2, 2022)

moochedit said:


> Max 3 drinks   it's just like nazi germany..etc....


It's actually 6 drinks. I don't know how this got to be only 3.


----------



## Yossarian (May 2, 2022)

Meanwhile, in Hull, a man fears the crow he got addicted to cigarettes has died. To pay tribute to the bird, he has launched a collection of NFTs - and "the dad says he plans to use money raised from the sale of his crow-inspired artwork to fund 'the best BDSM venue in the UK'."









						Man fears pet crow called Craig is dead after getting him addicted to cigarettes
					

Chain-smoking crow Craig hasn't been seen since October and the man who befriended the cigarette-loving bird feels he has paid the price for his addiction to Amber Leaf




					www.hulldailymail.co.uk


----------



## moochedit (May 3, 2022)

dessiato said:


> It's actually 6 drinks. I don't know how this got to be only 3.


His mate told him it was 3 so he could nick half his allowance


----------



## moochedit (May 3, 2022)

Yossarian said:


> Meanwhile, in Hull, a man fears the crow he got addicted to cigarettes has died. To pay tribute to the bird, he has launched a collection of NFTs - and "the dad says he plans to use money raised from the sale of his crow-inspired artwork to fund 'the best BDSM venue in the UK'."
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Sorry run that one past me again?


----------



## Yossarian (May 3, 2022)

moochedit said:


> Sorry run that one past me again?



"Sad Crow Fag Dad Flogs NFTs to Build BDSM Club"


----------



## JimW (May 3, 2022)

Caw What A Chancer: Smoke Bloke Crow Croaks, Pimps Pix For Gimp Sex.


----------



## dessiato (May 19, 2022)

After 15 years in a pub I'm surprised they could find anything


----------



## seeformiles (Jun 1, 2022)

dessiato said:


> View attachment 323187
> 
> After 15 years in a pub I'm surprised they could find anything



Now that’s what I call a Lock-In 😎


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 1, 2022)

This story was broke by our local rags, then it went national, now it's gone international!   

This is on the New Delhi TV site -









						Residents Unhappy As Town Spends 178,000 Pounds On Wiggly White Lines
					

Wiggly white lines have been added to a new tarmac surface in West Susses, UK, as part of a 178,000 pounds ($224,529) scheme to make its own town centre car-free and "brighten up" the area.




					www.ndtv.com
				






TBF, whilst the whole project cost £178,000, only £1,230 was spent on the painting of the swirly while lines.



> Other residents, however, could see the funny side. One stated that it was “very thoughtful of the council” to paint the lines on the ground and make all the drunks in the town think they were walking in a straight line.


----------



## seeformiles (Jun 1, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> This story was broke by our local rags, then it went national, now it's gone international!
> 
> This is on the New Delhi TV site -
> 
> ...


I quite like the look of them. What amazes me is the cost of the planning vs the actual cost of the painting. They could have just got me drunk, given me control of the line painting machine and I’m sure I’d have come up with a similar result.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 1, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> I quite like the look of them. What amazes me is the cost of the planning vs the actual cost of the painting. They could have just got me drunk, given me control of the line painting machine and I’m sure I’d have come up with a similar result.



The design costs was for the whole project, that road & disabled parking spaces were closed off during covid to allow more social distancing, so the project includes things like relocating those blue badge parking spaces, levelling the ground to turn it into a pedestrianised area, planting new trees, new planters, new seating, equipping with free 'Gigabit Citizen WiFi', new decorative street lighting, etc.


----------



## seeformiles (Jun 1, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> The design costs was for the whole project, that road & disabled parking spaces were closed off during covid to allow more social distancing, so the project includes things like relocating those blue badge parking spaces, levelling the ground to turn it into a pedestrianised area, planting new trees, new planters, new seating, equipping with free 'Gigabit Citizen WiFi', new decorative street lighting, etc.


I betrayed my ignorance of town planning there 😀


----------



## quiet guy (Jun 2, 2022)

A very slow news day...


----------



## seeformiles (Jun 2, 2022)

quiet guy said:


> A very slow news day...
> View attachment 325147



I think the culprits are in plain sight!


----------



## petee (Jun 2, 2022)

not the headline but the mugshot









						Police de-escalate confrontation with suspect who live-streamed incident at Westlake hotel
					

Westlake police are applauding their “training, equipment, and professionalism” after officers responded to the Holiday Inn Express for a man who refused to leave the property.




					www.cleveland19.com


----------



## hash tag (Jun 3, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> This story was broke by our local rags, then it went national, now it's gone international!
> 
> This is on the New Delhi TV site -
> 
> ...


A superb Scalextric track


----------



## MrSki (Jun 5, 2022)

Lost Enid Blyton found.


----------



## dessiato (Jun 14, 2022)




----------



## petee (Jun 22, 2022)

ed balls' cousin maybe









						Ed Cocks elected to ACT Legislative Assembly | Canberra CityNews
					

Ed Cocks has been elected on a countback to replace recently resigned Liberal member Giulia Jones in the ACT Legislative Assembly.




					citynews.com.au


----------



## Nine Bob Note (Jun 22, 2022)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Jun 22, 2022)

Nine Bob Note said:


> View attachment 328498




Begs the question - how? 



> One driver was sat in the car park for more than two hours, describing the hold up as ‘absolute carnage’.
> 
> Only four cars were reportedly able to drive out of the park at a time due to a fault with the sensor which detects vehicles at the lights.
> 
> Drivers said there were four minutes between traffic lights changing green and only remained so for around eight seconds.





> Police officers assisted with traffic management at the shopping park which is said to have caused a hold-up for drivers since the weekend.
> 
> National Highways have since revealed that the cause behind the traffic nightmare was a dead slug which had climbed onto one of the sensors and disrupted the movement detectors in the lights.











						Dead slug causes traffic 'carnage' which left drivers in two-hour queues
					

A DEAD slug was the cause behind trails of traffic stuck in two-hour long queues around a retail park.




					www.thewestmorlandgazette.co.uk


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Jun 22, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> Begs the question - how?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


the Gazette is my favourite newspaper in the world.


----------



## Maggot (Jun 22, 2022)

Yossarian said:


> Meanwhile, in Hull, a man fears the crow he got addicted to cigarettes has died. To pay tribute to the bird, he has launched a collection of NFTs - and *"the dad says he plans to use money raised from the sale of his crow-inspired artwork to fund 'the best BDSM venue in the UK'."*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It's what the crow would have wanted.


----------



## hash tag (Jun 25, 2022)

One,or is that two for cupid_stunt 








						Bring on Mr Pothole: the classic urban problem finally meets its match
					

Potholes kill, cost billions to fix and are the focus of endless apps and initiatives (yes, there’s a UK Pothole Fund). Enter the brave urban warriors fighting to slay this original urban bugbear for good




					www.theguardian.com
				



He is also featured as today's guardian angel but cannot find story online yet, sorry.


----------



## hash tag (Jun 27, 2022)

Here is the weekends story. Shame he is not near Worthing 








						The people making a difference: meet Mr Pothole, the campaigner fixing Britain’s roads
					

Mark Morrell is on a mission to save lives by tackling Britain’s pothole problem. Now it’s his turn for a treat




					www.theguardian.com


----------



## Orang Utan (Jun 28, 2022)

The whole of Swillington was buzzing!
The headline shoulda been:
Get out of my dreams and into my caff:








						Legendary singer Billy Ocean dines at Leeds restaurant as excitement reaches fever pitch for weekend shows
					

Legendary singer Billy Ocean dined at a Leeds restaurant on Friday night ahead of a huge performance planned in Leeds this weekend.




					www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk


----------



## mwgdrwg (Jun 30, 2022)

'Psycho' squirrel's reign of terror ends after rampage left 18 people injured
					

The grey rodent - nicknamed Stripe after the evil character from Gremlins - was caught and put on death row




					www.dailypost.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Jun 30, 2022)

27th December 🤔
They fund raised £120 to murder the poor thing 😔


----------



## petee (Jul 5, 2022)

Mentally ill man believed killing his landlord and eating his heart would end evil in the world, inquest hears
					

An Italian national who was diagnosed with schizophrenia believed killing his landlord and eating his victim’s heart would put an end to evil in the world, an inquest has heard.




					www.independent.ie
				




i'm conflicted about this.


----------



## Apathy (Jul 6, 2022)

Bird shit shopper outrage


----------



## quiet guy (Jul 7, 2022)

His photo in that MEN report is priceless.😆


----------



## two sheds (Jul 7, 2022)

"Point at the birds" "I can't they're not there any more" "Well POUT then "


----------



## JimW (Jul 7, 2022)

Apathy said:


> Bird shit shopper outrage


Did you notice in the sidebar he was fuming about tiny pies last year: Asda shopper left fuming after accidentally buying tiny mince pies


----------



## petee (Jul 7, 2022)

'Benny Hill' theme tune blares outside Parliament after Hugh Grant's request
					

People were thoroughly amused to hear the track.




					uk.news.yahoo.com
				




he seems to be enjoying his little joke


----------



## ouirdeaux (Jul 7, 2022)

petee said:


> i'm conflicted about this.



Evil hasn't ended. He was wrong.


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 7, 2022)

Apathy said:


> Bird shit shopper outrage


He’s a bit like Geoff Smith - the angriest man in Leeds who’s always raging about something…









						Dad glues himself to school gate after daughter sent home for earring
					

Geoff Smith says Bobbiemay, of Beeston, Leeds, who was sent home from Cockburn John Charles Academy, wears the earring to "help ease her migraines"




					www.leeds-live.co.uk
				












						Leeds dad 'can't sleep' due to creep following daughter home from school
					

“It’s an ongoing thing and it's keeping me awake at night"




					www.leeds-live.co.uk
				












						Dad outraged as daughter says class 'made to walk over railway tracks during PE'
					

Geoff Smith says his daughter's class walked over railway lines at Middleton railway, Leeds, and claims his daughter hurt her knee in the process




					www.mirror.co.uk


----------



## Indeliblelink (Jul 9, 2022)

Woman seen walking banana on lead through town centre
					

It was just another normal day in the town




					www.somersetlive.co.uk


----------



## bluescreen (Jul 9, 2022)

Indeliblelink said:


> https://www.somersetlive.co.uk/news...cerFr8S7HIWvnUDSWcR8d6O-gDoXHRlclKxgvVXZ8vegg


Is it just me, or should I play this on a larger screen? Ashamed to admit I played it twice to spot the actual banana (helpful audio) but was more interested in _woman and dog make dramatic escape as car bursts into flames._  (which I have yet to watch)


----------



## hash tag (Jul 10, 2022)

performance art?


----------



## hitmouse (Jul 10, 2022)

Tyson Fury took his top off which tucking into Chicken Milanese at restaurant
					

The professional boxer visited the restaurant in Newcastle for his lunch on Friday




					www.chroniclelive.co.uk


----------



## AverageJoe (Jul 10, 2022)

hitmouse said:


> Tyson Fury took his top off which tucking into Chicken Milanese at restaurant
> 
> 
> The professional boxer visited the restaurant in Newcastle for his lunch on Friday
> ...



That's champion level stalking right there. 

Or a PR. 

I just can't tell


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 15, 2022)

Vicar wearing only stockings caught performing sex act with Henry hoover in church
					

John Jeffs, 74, was seen ‘thrusting’ into vaccuum and later told police he felt ‘naughty’




					www.independent.co.uk


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 15, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Vicar wearing only stockings caught performing sex act with Henry hoover in church
> 
> 
> John Jeffs, 74, was seen ‘thrusting’ into vaccuum and later told police he felt ‘naughty’
> ...





> A church leader has been fined and placed on the sex offenders register for performing a sex act with a Henry hoover.
> 
> John Jeffs, 74, was naked apart from a pair of stockings when he was seen during the act by a churchgoer who was attending a talk about Asperger’s syndrome.
> 
> A court heard Jeffs, a retired vicar, noticed the member of the public but carried on and later told police he did it because he felt “naughty”.



WTF?   



> The magistrate said: “Why you thought it best to bring this matter to trial, I have no idea.”


----------



## bluescreen (Jul 15, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> WTF?


He 'previously had a clean record'.


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 15, 2022)

While we’re in an ecclesiastical mood:









						Vicar hospitalised with potato up his bum
					

A vicar claims a potato got stuck up his bottom after he fell on to the vegetable while hanging curtains in the nude.




					metro.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Jul 15, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> WTF?


The judge did not know why it was brought to trial but still fined him a grand, gave him an 18 month community order and placed him on the sex offenders register


----------



## dessiato (Jul 15, 2022)

hash tag said:


> The judge did not know why it was brought to trial but still fined him a grand, gave him an 18 month community order and placed him on the sex offenders register


I wondered about that. Perhaps he thought the vicar should have admitted the offence, got a slap on the wrist, and saved the costs of a trial.


----------



## two sheds (Jul 15, 2022)

Carrying on while someone else was there probably didn't help his defence.


----------



## surreybrowncap (Jul 15, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Vicar wearing only stockings caught performing sex act with Henry hoover in church
> 
> 
> John Jeffs, 74, was seen ‘thrusting’ into vaccuum and later told police he felt ‘naughty’
> ...


Let the orgy commence !!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Jul 15, 2022)

surreybrowncap said:


> Let the orgy commence !!
> View attachment 332373



And, a little something to get it going.


----------



## surreybrowncap (Jul 15, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> While we’re in an ecclesiastical mood:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


"_And he never returns my calls..."
_


----------



## quiet guy (Jul 15, 2022)

It's Phil Mitchell 😆


----------



## josef1878 2.0 (Jul 16, 2022)

bluescreen said:


> He 'previously had a clean record'.


But not a clean hoover 😕


----------



## hitmouse (Jul 22, 2022)

This probably also deserves to be on the otter thread, and possibly also the informal anarchist actions one:








						Otter trashes couple's holiday home and falls asleep in their bed
					

'The cat was really frightened, but we're just thankful they didn't cross paths as that could have ended very badly'




					www.walesonline.co.uk


----------



## quiet guy (Jul 22, 2022)

Blaming an otter for their own mess, poor show.


----------



## flypanam (Jul 23, 2022)

Man calls on Tesco to change wipe packaging after burning his bum
					

"I've come through the worst of it now - I had to use Sudocrem down there for a week"




					www.walesonline.co.uk


----------



## JimW (Jul 23, 2022)

flypanam said:


> Man calls on Tesco to change wipe packaging after burning his bum
> 
> 
> "I've come through the worst of it now - I had to use Sudocrem down there for a week"
> ...


Made a right arse of himself.


----------



## MrSki (Jul 23, 2022)

flypanam said:


> Man calls on Tesco to change wipe packaging after burning his bum
> 
> 
> "I've come through the worst of it now - I had to use Sudocrem down there for a week"
> ...


Maybe they could put toilet wipes in large letters on the packaging? Oh wait they already have.


----------



## bluescreen (Jul 23, 2022)

flypanam said:


> Man calls on Tesco to change wipe packaging after burning his bum
> 
> 
> "I've come through the worst of it now - I had to use Sudocrem down there for a week"
> ...


And I bet he's been flushing them down the loo as well. It says 'flushable' on the packet and if anything needs changing on the label, it's that.


----------



## 8ball (Jul 23, 2022)

flypanam said:


> Man calls on Tesco to change wipe packaging after burning his bum
> 
> 
> "I've come through the worst of it now - I had to use Sudocrem down there for a week"
> ...



Was expecting one of those “thickest person ever” stories, but I can see how someone in a hurry could make this mistake.

“Toilet paper”->”Toilet wipes” etc…


----------



## DotCommunist (Jul 23, 2022)

I can accept one off mistake but the story says he was using the wipes for nearly a week.


----------



## 8ball (Jul 23, 2022)

DotCommunist said:


> I can accept one off mistake but the story says he was using the wipes for nearly a week.



Fair enough.


----------



## hash tag (Jul 23, 2022)

Should have stuck to a  good old fashioned brush and maybe a drop of bleach.


----------



## hash tag (Jul 23, 2022)

Not quite local news but bloody funny. Imagine going to sleep on a sleeper train and waking up next morning to find yourself back in the same station. Man wakes up after night on sleeper train to find it never left Glasgow


----------



## platinumsage (Jul 23, 2022)




----------



## bluescreen (Jul 23, 2022)

platinumsage said:


> View attachment 334017


I'm not the thread police but...

_The owner now has until April 10 to reclaim the hat, after which it will be destroyed -_
should have been a clue.

It was written by Tom Hay, news editor of the Harrogate Advertiser, on the 1st of April [2015].









						What The Red Hat Teaches Us
					

Woman finds hat in a tree A hat has been found up a tree in Bilton. The woollen head garment, which is red and has a bobble, was discovered on Tuesday by Bilton Lane resident Sharon Bromance, 43.




					www.linkedin.com


----------



## 8ball (Jul 23, 2022)

The writing is certainly very tight.
No opinions given, no irrelevant adjectives, just one quote and the (made up) facts.


----------



## quiet guy (Jul 24, 2022)

hash tag said:


> Not quite local news but bloody funny. Imagine going to sleep on a sleeper train and waking up next morning to find yourself back in the same station. Man wakes up after night on sleeper train to find it never left Glasgow


The spin that Serco tried to put on this is next level "We made all efforts to support guests impacted, including providing overnight accommodation on board..." You left them on board.


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 24, 2022)

It’s started…. (Yadda yadda robot overlords, etc.  🙂)









						Chess robot breaks seven-year-old boy's finger during Moscow Open
					

The child was trying to make his next move at the Moscow Open when the robot grabbed him.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## 8ball (Jul 25, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> It’s started…. (Yadda yadda robot overlords, etc.  🙂)
> 
> 
> 
> ...



The “this is of course bad” bit made some tea come out of my nose.


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 28, 2022)

Otter trashes couple's holiday home and falls asleep in their bed
					

'The cat was really frightened, but we're just thankful they didn't cross paths as that could have ended very badly'



					www.walesonline.co.uk


----------



## Orang Utan (Jul 28, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Otter trashes couple's holiday home and falls asleep in their bed
> 
> 
> 'The cat was really frightened, but we're just thankful they didn't cross paths as that could have ended very badly'
> ...


They trashed it themselves didn’t they?


----------



## bluescreen (Jul 28, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Otter trashes couple's holiday home and falls asleep in their bed
> 
> 
> 'The cat was really frightened, but we're just thankful they didn't cross paths as that could have ended very badly'
> ...


That's brilliant! I love the details, like "Linda, a retired town clerk, was reading a book in her conservatory when she heard the commotion" and "With the help of a man who they'd hired to clean their oven that day, Peter, a retired site manager, shooed the otter off their bed and down on to the carpet."


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 28, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> They trashed it themselves didn’t they?


The old “Blame it on the otter” routine eh? 😉


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 29, 2022)

A very slow news day when unremarkable weather hits the headlines









						Weather forecast for Leeds on Friday as city set to see mostly cloud
					

The Met Office predicts mostly cloudy on Friday, although there will be a few sunny spells




					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## seeformiles (Jul 29, 2022)

A very slow news day when unremarkable weather hits the headlines









						Weather forecast for Leeds on Friday as city set to see mostly cloud
					

The Met Office predicts mostly cloudy on Friday, although there will be a few sunny spells




					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## existentialist (Jul 29, 2022)

flypanam said:


> Man calls on Tesco to change wipe packaging after burning his bum
> 
> 
> "I've come through the worst of it now - I had to use Sudocrem down there for a week"
> ...


And you just KNOW that, if Tesco heeded his request, there'd be memes going around in no time about how, "in the old days, we didn't need stupid safety warnings on toilet wipes".

It's people like Leon from Cwmbran who are responsible for bags of peanuts having labels that say "WARNING: may contain peanuts"


----------



## petee (Aug 3, 2022)

well?









						Would you let a horse write your e-mails while you’re on vacation?
					

Three horses are helping out the Icelandic government by writing incomprehensible messages, raising awareness about the importance of disconnecting from work




					english.elpais.com


----------



## quiet guy (Aug 3, 2022)

I think a few management emails may have already been written be these Icelandic nags


----------



## hash tag (Aug 3, 2022)

I would not know where to begin with anything written in Icelandic language.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 3, 2022)

hash tag said:


> I would not know where to begin with anything written in Icelandic language.



Google translate?


----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 3, 2022)

hash tag said:


> I would not know where to begin with anything written in Icelandic language.


Ask your local horse


----------



## 8ball (Aug 3, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> Ask your local horse



I'm not sure a horse in Nottinghamshire would be much use.


----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 3, 2022)

8ball said:


> I'm not sure a horse in Nottinghamshire would be much use.


That’s a massive assumption - how do you know that? Maybe Nottinghamshire horses are fluent in Icelandic due to an exchange programme introduced by a loony left council in the 80s.


----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 4, 2022)

Leeds man demands apology from Sainsbury’s as he's banned from all its stores
					

A Leeds man is demanding an apology from Sainsbury’s after getting banned from all its stores.




					www.yorkshireeveningpost.co.uk
				




O rly? He must have really pissed off staff there for some reason


----------



## hitmouse (Aug 4, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> Leeds man demands apology from Sainsbury’s as he's banned from all its stores
> 
> 
> A Leeds man is demanding an apology from Sainsbury’s after getting banned from all its stores.
> ...



_“I think I should be allowed to go in the shop - not that I would.”_

And, of course, the obligatory:


----------



## bluescreen (Aug 4, 2022)

Completely irrelevant, but that's a weird roofline on that Sainsbury's Local.


----------



## 8ball (Aug 4, 2022)

bluescreen said:


> Completely irrelevant, but that's a weird roofline on that Sainsbury's Local.



 Cheap repair after a meteor hit?


----------



## two sheds (Aug 5, 2022)

Cornish town centre cordoned off after man has nosebleed
					

There was not, as some rumours suggested, a stabbing in Penzance last night




					www.cornwalllive.com


----------



## 8ball (Aug 5, 2022)

two sheds said:


> Cornish town centre cordoned off after man has nosebleed
> 
> 
> There was not, as some rumours suggested, a stabbing in Penzance last night
> ...



This is like something you'd expect in an Ebola pandemic.


----------



## two sheds (Aug 5, 2022)

doesn't say how serious the nosebleed is though 

we can sniff


----------



## 8ball (Aug 5, 2022)

Having been on warfarin since 2008, I can testify that it only takes a remarkably small and medically harmless amount of blood to make it look like something terrible has happened.


----------



## hash tag (Aug 5, 2022)

two sheds said:


> Cornish town centre cordoned off after man has nosebleed
> 
> 
> There was not, as some rumours suggested, a stabbing in Penzance last night
> ...


I can remember queuing to get in to a who gig a while back. A friend had a nose bleed and it was a torrent I tell you. There was blood pouring everywhere. The crowds parted and we got in really quickly as a result.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 5, 2022)

hash tag said:


> I can remember queuing to get in to a who gig a while back. A friend had a nose bleed and it was a torrent I tell you. There was blood pouring everywhere. The crowds parted and we got in really quickly as a result.



Then, your friend bled to death?


----------



## hash tag (Aug 5, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> Then, your friend bled to death?


I don't think so, I don't rightly remember 😁


----------



## hash tag (Aug 5, 2022)

Meanwhile, Imperial students are concerned about a sculpture 
BBC News - Antony Gormley: Students concerned about 'phallic sculpture'








						Antony Gormley: Students concerned about 'phallic sculpture'
					

The planned artwork could harm the reputation of Imperial College London, students fear.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## Mattym (Aug 5, 2022)

Midlanders really need to learn how to let go whilst on holiday...


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 9, 2022)

Builder taken to hospital after being knocked out by bottle of pee dropped from crane
					

A BUILDER was knocked unconscious when he was hit with a bottle of pee dropped from a 50-metre crane.




					www.theargus.co.uk
				






> *A BUILDER was knocked unconscious when he was hit with a bottle of pee which dropped from a 50-metre crane.*
> 
> The man, who was part of a team of builders working on a new health centre in Worthing, was taken to hospital. He is now recovering at home.
> 
> ...



I bet he's pissed off about that.


----------



## dessiato (Aug 9, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> Builder taken to hospital after being knocked out by bottle of pee dropped from crane
> 
> 
> A BUILDER was knocked unconscious when he was hit with a bottle of pee dropped from a 50-metre crane.
> ...


No shit.


----------



## bluescreen (Aug 9, 2022)

Urine need of a hard hat on a building site.


----------



## quiet guy (Aug 9, 2022)

A bottle dropped from 50m onto a hard hat is still going to cause some damage. Crane operator is going to be in some serious shit for that


----------



## 8ball (Aug 9, 2022)

quiet guy said:


> A bottle dropped from 50m onto a hard hat is still going to cause some damage. Crane operator is going to be in some serious shit for that



It’s not often I’m first (or even second, third or last), to be “the lefty guy” on here, but I’m wondering whether certain pressures were involved which led the crane driver to relieve himself up in the cab rather than safely at ground level.

(All “I am not a crane driver” disclaimers apply)


----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 10, 2022)

8ball said:


> It’s not often I’m first (or even second, third or last), to be “the lefty guy” on here, but I’m wondering whether certain pressures were involved which led the crane driver to relieve himself up in the cab rather than safely at ground level.
> 
> (All “I am not a crane driver” disclaimers apply)


They have to stay up there all day, so having a piss bottle is necessary. What’s not necessary is throwing it out of the cab instead of taking it back down at the end of the day.


----------



## 8ball (Aug 10, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> They have to stay up there all day, so having a piss bottle is necessary. What’s not necessary is throwing it out of the cab instead of taking it back down at the end of the day.



Fair enough.  Could he have dropped it while trying to come down?

Also, do they have a poo box?
Or a litter tray?

It seems like something we should have better technology for.  Like a fast up and down winch so they can go to the loo.


----------



## quiet guy (Aug 10, 2022)

It's maybe not the job for someone with an active gut.🤢


----------



## hash tag (Aug 10, 2022)

Didn't Fred Dibnah, when working at the top of a tall stack just piss over the side, once spraying all over someones car.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Aug 10, 2022)

Shitting and pissing on top of the crane is fairly common I think. Your very much not meant to throw it off if you do. 

Reminds me of this lunatic who shat in a bag and threw it off (videoing it all the while)



Unsurprisingly he’s blacklisted from most sites now.


----------



## Cerv (Aug 10, 2022)

8ball said:


> It seems like something we should have better technology for.  Like a fast up and down winch so they can go to the loo.


that sounds dangerous and a serious risk of mechanical failure. 

so really worth it when the time proven technology of the chamber pot exists?


----------



## 8ball (Aug 10, 2022)

Cerv said:


> that sounds dangerous and a serious risk of mechanical failure.



I wasn't suggesting you build it.


----------



## danski (Aug 10, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> Builder taken to hospital after being knocked out by bottle of pee dropped from crane
> 
> 
> A BUILDER was knocked unconscious when he was hit with a bottle of pee dropped from a 50-metre crane.
> ...


What the absolute fuck were they doing working at 5.30 on a Friday?


----------



## hash tag (Aug 10, 2022)

danski said:


> What the absolute fuck were they doing working at 5.30 on a Friday?


If cement is being delivered it will not wait until Monday.


----------



## petee (Aug 11, 2022)

Texas congressman swears off eating 'a whole plate of dog penis' again
					

Former White House physician Ronny Jackson said he would prefer fried steak for his last...




					www.chron.com
				




_Texas Republican__ Rep. Ronny Jackson's time as White House physician to Donald Trump took him to several countries overseas where he was able to try a multitude of cultural delicacies. But there's one he's pledged to never eat again. 

As first reported by Insider, Jackson was asked during an interview this week on conservative podcast "Ruthless" what he would choose for his last meal on Earth if he could plan it. The congressman answered: "It won't be dog penis. I ate a whole plate of dog penis one time. I'm not doing that again." _


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Aug 13, 2022)

finally, cyclists get their cumuppance!

Cyclist reported for breaching a 'no entry' sign in Kendal​_
A CYCLIST has been reported in Kendal for contravening a 'no entry' sign.

Cumbria Roads Police stopped a cyclist this morning (August 13) for breaching a 'no entry' sign.

The cyclist has since been reported.
A spokesman said: "Cyclist spoken to and reported in Kendal this morning for contravening a 'no entry' sign. Doesn’t matter if it’s quiet, rules are rules._


Yes, that´s the WHOLE story...we don´t know which no entry sign was ignored, who the criminal was reported to..whether this is a terrorism related incident.

Remember folks, doesn´t matter if it´s quiet, rules are rules!


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 13, 2022)

pseudonarcissus said:


> finally, cyclists get their cumuppance!
> 
> Cyclist reported for breaching a 'no entry' sign in Kendal​
> _A CYCLIST has been reported in Kendal for contravening a 'no entry' sign.
> ...



That looks like they just copied and pasted the content of a tweet from the police.

That's the problem with employing 'content generators', rather than proper journalists, all too common nowadays.


----------



## seeformiles (Aug 18, 2022)

Mystery of half-billion year old creature with no anus solved
					

A 500 million-year-old microscopic, spiny creature with a mouth but no anus had puzzled scientists.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## hash tag (Aug 18, 2022)

Is cupid_stunt working under a different name? 
BBC News - Hercule Van Wolfwinkle: Worthing pet artist raises £100k for homeless








						Hercule Van Wolfwinkle: Worthing pet artist raises £100k for homeless
					

The artist, whose works are wildly popular, says he would love to keep going for charity.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## petee (Aug 18, 2022)

hash tag said:


> Is cupid_stunt working under a different name?
> BBC News - Hercule Van Wolfwinkle: Worthing pet artist raises £100k for homeless
> 
> 
> ...



jesus h. christ i want one of those.


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 18, 2022)

hash tag said:


> Is cupid_stunt working under a different name?
> BBC News - Hercule Van Wolfwinkle: Worthing pet artist raises £100k for homeless
> 
> 
> ...



I've regularly posted updates about Hercule Van Wolfwinkle, a true local hero, on the bandwidthz thread.

Most of the money he raises goes to 'Turning Tides', our amazing local homeless charity, but some now goes to 'Street Vets', who provide free services for the pets of the homeless, as I say, a true local hero.


----------



## hash tag (Aug 18, 2022)

petee said:


> jesus h. christ i want one of those.


I think you need to get in the line, behind Mrs tag


----------



## Orang Utan (Aug 23, 2022)

Not a headline, but spotted this in the local rag’s monthly round up of people on cctv who the police want to talk to:

Wonder what she was stealing?


----------



## not henry (Aug 23, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> Not a headline, but spotted this in the local rag’s monthly round up of people on cctv who the police want to talk to:
> View attachment 339232
> Wonder what she was stealing?


Breast milky bars


----------



## not-bono-ever (Aug 24, 2022)




----------



## dessiato (Aug 24, 2022)

not-bono-ever said:


> View attachment 339386


How could he be so blind to the implications?


----------



## Indeliblelink (Aug 27, 2022)

How to keep your beaver wet when things are getting a bit too hot
					

Despite the heatwave ravaging the country, a pair of beavers in Sussex are keeping cool.




					metro.co.uk


----------



## danny la rouge (Aug 28, 2022)

dessiato said:


> How could he be so blind to the implications?


He wasn’t.


----------



## andysays (Aug 30, 2022)

Only really local if you live in  Vacaville, California

Truck spills 150,000 tomatoes causing California crash​
Disappointingly, there's no mention of whether the driver causing the crash was caught red handed, but there's a good quote from local law enforcement.



> An initial collision caused the tomato truck to swerve into the central divide of the motorway, spilling fist-sized tomatoes across a 200ft section of the motorway, according to reports. This left a sea of red sauce about "two feet deep", said Highway Patrol Officer Jason Tyhurst. Cars drove over the squelching tomatoes, creating a dangerous slurry of tomato juice, oil and dirt. "These tomato skins, man, once they hit the asphalt it's like walking on ice," said Mr Tyhurst, speaking to the New York Times.


----------



## hash tag (Aug 30, 2022)

Did he end up in a bit of a stew?


----------



## bluescreen (Aug 30, 2022)

hash tag said:


> Did he end up in a bit of a stew?


In a bit of a pickle.


----------



## Artaxerxes (Aug 30, 2022)

Did they ever ketchup to the driver? Was he on the sauce?


----------



## hash tag (Aug 30, 2022)

Sounds like he might have bottled it.


----------



## hitmouse (Aug 31, 2022)

Had a look to see how the MEN was covering the Enough is Enough rally, couldn't find anything but did find this gem:








						Lad forced to eat upstairs after finding "biggest spider in UK" lurking in house
					

"I won't be eating my food in there again until it's found and taken away from the living room, I'll tell you that."




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk
				




This one was also pretty good:








						Man splashes cash on huge billboard ad for psychic with no contact info
					

"Initially we thought it was a joke but the individual explained they were deeply serious"




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk


----------



## not-bono-ever (Aug 31, 2022)

dessiato said:


> How could he be so blind to the implications?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Aug 31, 2022)

Twat ^

(not you, not-bono-ever.)


----------



## hitmouse (Aug 31, 2022)

I mean, who among us can honestly say that we've never found a nazi flag inexplicably posted through our letterbox and then decided to fly it in the garden? Let he who is without sin throw the first stone and all that. Slightly "a bigger boy did it and then ran away" vibes there as well.


----------



## dessiato (Sep 2, 2022)

Good advice.









						'Sunning your hole' is the one TikTok trend that you really shouldn't try
					

There's a new questionable TikTok trend doing the rounds online – all in the name of increasing vibrations. The practice, known as "sunning your holes" or "perineum sunning", is precisely that. People claim there are benefits to pointing your rear at the sun daily. One viral clip suggested...




					www.indy100.com


----------



## stuff_it (Sep 2, 2022)

The MEN has latched on to the arachnophobia craze big time. 









						Enormous 'hand-sized' spider 'final straw' in closure of bridal shop for good
					

The mum-of-four said it was so big it could have worn one the dresses itself.




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk
				












						Lad forced to eat upstairs after finding "biggest spider in UK" lurking in house
					

"I won't be eating my food in there again until it's found and taken away from the living room, I'll tell you that."




					www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk
				




Aren't these people embarassed?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 2, 2022)

stuff_it said:


> The MEN has latched on to the arachnophobia craze big time.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I think the staff have just given up, because the owners, Reach PLC- owners of national titles like the Mirror, Express & Star plus hundreds of local/regional rags, don't seem to care, hence reporters are striking, what's interesting is a lot of news agencies are refusing to supply copy to the company on strike days, because they too are treated like shit.

Strike begins as 1,150 Reach journalists walk out over pay

Press agency bosses boycott Reach in solidarity with striking staffers


----------



## dessiato (Sep 5, 2022)

Teenage boy faced hospital operation after sticking USB cable into his penis
					

It is among a variety of weird items which have been inserted into penises including needles, pins and.... pistachio shells




					www.walesonline.co.uk


----------



## chandlerp (Sep 6, 2022)

I have USB cables available but I don't use them as a rule.


----------



## 1927 (Sep 6, 2022)

Some great pointing finger photos here! 

Woman feels ‘penalised’ as council plan to install bollards outside her home


----------



## hash tag (Sep 6, 2022)

Just checking to see it wasn't cupid_stunt posting pictures of people pointing. 
Btw pavements are for Peds!


----------



## seeformiles (Sep 9, 2022)




----------



## seeformiles (Sep 9, 2022)




----------



## Indeliblelink (Sep 11, 2022)

Woman, 90, shot while playing bowls insisted on finishing game before going to A&E
					

A WOMAN in her 90s who was shot in the leg with an air rifle while playing bowls in Lancing insisted on finishing her game before being taken to…




					www.theargus.co.uk


----------



## petee (Sep 19, 2022)

*ooooohhh yeahhh*









						Colorado elk are gathering for the greatest sex show on turf. And we like to watch.
					

Sexy time for Cervus canadensis in Rocky Mountain National Park by illustrator Peter Moore.




					coloradosun.com


----------



## moochedit (Sep 26, 2022)

Coventry Live: Mum rushed to hospital after her dog pooed in her mouth as she slept.









						Mum rushed to hospital after her dog pooed in her mouth as she slept
					

Amanda Gommo had a day to forget




					www.coventrytelegraph.net


----------



## Cerv (Sep 26, 2022)

That’s going on the list with “I was hoovering naked when I tripped over” of excuses


----------



## SysOut (Sep 26, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> I think the staff have just given up, because the owners, Reach PLC- owners of national titles like the Mirror, Express & Star plus hundreds of local/regional rags, don't seem to care, hence reporters are striking, what's interesting is a lot of news agencies are refusing to supply copy to the company on strike days, because they too are treated like shit.
> 
> Strike begins as 1,150 Reach journalists walk out over pay
> 
> Press agency bosses boycott Reach in solidarity with striking staffers


I'd like to know who own Reach. It's website doesn't say. It is people who own these things. Can't make sense of this: REACH PLC : Shareholders Board Members Managers and Company Profile | GB0009039941 | MarketScreener


----------



## hash tag (Sep 26, 2022)

moochedit said:


> Coventry Live: Mum rushed to hospital after her dog pooed in her mouth as she slept.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Once you have seen something, you can't unsee it 😮


----------



## cupid_stunt (Sep 26, 2022)

SysOut said:


> I'd like to know who own Reach. It's website doesn't say. It is people who own these things. Can't make sense of this: REACH PLC : Shareholders Board Members Managers and Company Profile | GB0009039941 | MarketScreener



It's a PLC, public limited company, traded on the stock market for anyone to buy shares in, most shares with probably be owned by pension funds and other investment groups, not individual people.


----------



## petee (Sep 26, 2022)

hash tag said:


> Once you have seen something, you can't unsee it 😮



why i didn't click.
even the title was too much.


----------



## moochedit (Sep 26, 2022)

hash tag said:


> Once you have seen something, you can't unsee it 😮


If a dog had poo'd in my month, the first thing i'd think is i must get a photo of that to put on social media


----------



## moochedit (Sep 26, 2022)

petee said:


> why i didn't click.
> even the title was too much.


Common. You've gotta see the photo she took


----------



## prunus (Sep 26, 2022)

moochedit said:


> Common. You've gotta see the photo she took



Nope.


----------



## AverageJoe (Sep 26, 2022)

She took a photo!!! Ewwwww


----------



## moochedit (Sep 26, 2022)

AverageJoe said:


> She took a photo!!! Ewwwww


Check the link


----------



## kabbes (Sep 27, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> It's a PLC, public limited company, traded on the stock market for anyone to buy shares in, most shares with probably be owned by pension funds and other investment groups, not individual people.


Indeed, according to the linked page, the top 10 investors, comprising 60% of the total ownership, are all either open ended investment funds or investment companies. These are things that pension funds and private individuals will buy into in order to invest. In fact, given the names on that top 10 list, there’s a good chance, if you have a pension, that you are one of the owners.


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 28, 2022)

moochedit said:


> Coventry Live: Mum rushed to hospital after her dog pooed in her mouth as she slept.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have questions…


----------



## moochedit (Sep 28, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> I have questions…


Go on ????


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 28, 2022)

moochedit said:


> Go on ????


Too many, but why the fuck did she take a photo of shit on her face instead of freaking out and running to the bathroom to wash it off immediately?


----------



## moochedit (Sep 28, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> Too many, but why the fuck did she take a photo of shit on her face instead of freaking out and running to the bathroom to wash it off immediately?


Her son was in the shower so she "had time" to take a photo while waiting  

Gotta agree though, taking a photo of myself would not be on my priority list 
(Think i'd have kicked the bathroom door in)


----------



## Orang Utan (Sep 28, 2022)

moochedit said:


> Her son was in the shower so she "had time" to take a photo while waiting
> 
> Gotta agree though, taking a photo of myself would not be on my priority list
> (Think i'd have kicked the bathroom door in)


I don't buy the shower story - you'd go to the kitchen instead. I'd at least have wiped it off immediately


----------



## JimW (Sep 28, 2022)

"Hurry up in there, love, the chihuahua's shat in me gob."


----------



## Ax^ (Oct 1, 2022)

34-year-old man charged with the murder of Olivia Pratt-Korbel


they have charged someone over the little lass in Liverpool

god and good people help the family


----------



## 1927 (Oct 1, 2022)

Ax^ said:


> 34-year-old man charged with the murder of Olivia Pratt-Korbel
> 
> 
> they have charged someone over the little lass in Liverpool
> ...


Not really what this thread is about!


----------



## Ax^ (Oct 1, 2022)

it might not be but that was the paper that broke the news


----------



## 1927 (Oct 1, 2022)

Ax^ said:


> it might not be but that was the paper that broke the news


i think you ae missing the point.


----------



## Ax^ (Oct 1, 2022)

don't worry 1927 i get your point this is not the thread for it 


but we don't have a thread about this murder so had to pick one and this seemed the most suitable

no offence


----------



## petee (Oct 1, 2022)

Scottish spirit shouts 'yer a bawbag' at ghost hunting team during investigation
					

The expert team at The Scottish Ghost Company (TSGC) were investigating the Hoarder's Church in Elvanfoot when the hilarious recording was made.




					www.dailyrecord.co.uk
				



_
One of Scotland's top ghost events companies has revealed its shock after a spirit on one of their recent hunts called one of their members a "bawbag". _


----------



## seeformiles (Oct 4, 2022)

Scots mum 'all shook up' after discovering face of Elvis in McDonald's ketchup
					

Lisa Ringsell, 27, of Dundee, was tickled to find the music icon swimming in her tomato sauce over the weekend.




					www.dailyrecord.co.uk


----------



## chainsawjob (Oct 14, 2022)

Man arrested for possession of magic mushrooms has happiest mugshot of all time
					

Wonder why.




					metro.co.uk


----------



## Artaxerxes (Oct 14, 2022)




----------



## chainsawjob (Oct 18, 2022)

Spotted today in a newsagent.


----------



## seeformiles (Oct 25, 2022)

‘World’s dirtiest man’ dies in Iran at 94 a few months after first wash
					

‘Amou Haji’, who did not bathe for half a century, reportedly ate roadkill and smoked pipe filled with animal excrement




					www.theguardian.com


----------



## hash tag (Oct 25, 2022)

That just stinks


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 1, 2022)

Totally over the top headline here. 

*Shocking photos show Storm Claudio batter Sussex with record 68 mph wind gusts*

Winds of 68mph do not set a record, and shocking photos?  







Worthing Beacon was destroyed by the storm





Wind gusts take down signage at Texaco Shoreham


----------



## kabbes (Nov 1, 2022)

Chaos and carnage!!1!


----------



## Bahnhof Strasse (Nov 1, 2022)

Similar round here with temporary barriers at road words etc. knocked down, but in the case it was trick or treaters...


----------



## hash tag (Nov 1, 2022)

A few trees down round here overnight


----------



## Puddy_Tat (Nov 1, 2022)

not local, but can't think where else to post it

Giant runaway balls cause chaos on London street​
more here (most behind paywall but think you can get the basics)


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 2, 2022)

Puddy_Tat said:


> not local, but can't think where else to post it
> 
> Giant runaway balls cause chaos on London street​
> more here (most behind paywall but think you can get the basics)



Life imitates fiction.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 2, 2022)

Puddy_Tat said:


> not local, but can't think where else to post it
> 
> Giant runaway balls cause chaos on London street​
> more here (most behind paywall but think you can get the basics)


This is what happens when your balls drop. Fucking Christmas is/was to blame.


----------



## Maggot (Nov 3, 2022)




----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 3, 2022)

Grassing busybodies


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 4, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> Grassing busybodies



So, you think it's OK to drive stoned, with kids onboard?

With no driving licence and no insurance?


----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 4, 2022)

Good to see the important stories being covered.   









						Sentimental chia sheep returned to owner month after theft in Worthing
					

Sentimental terracotta figurines, which were stolen from outside a home in Worthing, have been returned.




					www.sussexexpress.co.uk
				




And, with one of those classic local rag photos.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 4, 2022)

Do people flock to see that tourist attraction


----------



## dessiato (Nov 4, 2022)

hash tag said:


> Do people flock to see that tourist attraction


Sheepishly


----------



## hash tag (Nov 4, 2022)

It is certainly nothing to bleat about


----------



## two sheds (Nov 4, 2022)

He's had his cap nicked now


----------



## hash tag (Nov 4, 2022)

two sheds said:


> He's had his cap nicked now


Herd it all now


----------



## bluescreen (Nov 6, 2022)

Not exactly local but sort of parochial:








						Same-sex marriage: Bishops of Worcester and Dudley next to go public
					

THE Bishop of Worcester, Dr John Inge, and his suffragan, the Bishop of Dudley, the Rt Revd Martin G...




					www.churchtimes.co.uk


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Nov 6, 2022)

dessiato said:


> Sheepishly




Swiss Valais sheep accidentally dye their hair after rubbing heads on feeders

Ewe’ll never believe what happened in Yorkshire


----------



## quiet guy (Nov 6, 2022)

Somehow don't believe that all those sheep have the exact same colouring to their heads. Me thinks the 2 brothers have done a bit of dyeing to drum up some publicity for their farm enterprise.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Nov 6, 2022)

quiet guy said:


> Somehow don't believe that all those sheep have the exact same colouring to their heads. Me thinks the 2 brothers have done a bit of dyeing to drum up some publicity for their farm enterprise.


i hate to confess, I wondered if they’d been giving the tup blowies.


----------



## hash tag (Nov 11, 2022)

One mans meat and all that. I suspect he only complained to try and get his £6.25. for his FEB refunded








						Barrow cafe's pigeon problem as pests keep entering the eatery
					

Diggle's cafe in Barrow is taking action to stop the number of pigeon trespassers




					www.lancs.live


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 11, 2022)

bluescreen said:


> Not exactly local but sort of parochial:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I’m delighted and wish them a long and happy marriage


----------



## ska invita (Nov 14, 2022)




----------



## seeformiles (Nov 15, 2022)




----------



## dessiato (Nov 15, 2022)

I love the last few words "police confiscated...and a baby alligator."


----------



## two sheds (Nov 15, 2022)

"And it was Jesus who gave them to me behind the KFC" is up there, too.


----------



## ouirdeaux (Nov 15, 2022)

Fiction, alas.









						PolitiFact - No, Florida couple didn't get arrested for selling golden tickets to heaven
					

Golden tickets to heaven? You know that’s too good to be true, even in Florida. "Couple Arrested For Selling ‘Golden Tic




					www.politifact.com


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 15, 2022)

ouirdeaux said:


> Fiction, alas.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Shame! Good story though 😀


----------



## elbows (Nov 17, 2022)




----------



## cupid_stunt (Nov 17, 2022)

elbows said:


> View attachment 351857



Like fuck that looks like the surface of the moon, that's nothing compared to the state of some of the roads around here.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Nov 17, 2022)

elbows said:


> View attachment 351857


isn't that more linear, like the canals on Mars?


----------



## Orang Utan (Nov 17, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> Like fuck that looks like the surface of the moon, that's nothing compared to the state of some of the roads around here.


Can’t you see the glass structures?


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 17, 2022)

Just bizarre









						Japanese man gets skipping rope stuck in bladder after inserting it into penis
					

An elderly Japanese man got a 90-inch long skipping rope stuck in his bladder after inserting it into his penis.  According to a study published in Urology Case Reports on Science Direct, the 79-year-old admitted inserting the rope through his urethra, before it became entangled in his bladder...




					www.independent.co.uk


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Nov 17, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Just bizarre
> 
> 
> 
> ...


A new take on the old song “skip to the loo my darling”


----------



## petee (Nov 19, 2022)

it will rise higher









						Developer restoring 'Boner 4ever' building in North Philly wants to construct an 8-story addition
					

The historic, graffitied property on North Broad Street is being transformed into a Marriott Hotel, with plans for a neighboring residential building




					www.phillyvoice.com
				




"Preservationists have sometimes remarked that the 14-story structure, built between 1926 and 1933, has "good bones" — a phrase that takes on new meaning when it comes to this Art Deco beauty"


----------



## quiet guy (Nov 20, 2022)

Man ends 20-year Llandegley airport sign joke that cost £25k
					

Nicolas Whitehead has decided to remove the sign for the fictitious airport with a large fanbase.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## bluescreen (Nov 20, 2022)

quiet guy said:


> Man ends 20-year Llandegley airport sign joke that cost £25k
> 
> 
> Nicolas Whitehead has decided to remove the sign for the fictitious airport with a large fanbase.
> ...


I love this bit: 


> "The sign is just a sign," he said.
> "The sign can come down but the airport is still there. The airport exists in the same way that songs exist. If you set fire to the scrap of paper on which Paul McCartney wrote Yesterday, that wouldn't destroy the song.
> "The song exists as a shared experience; it's indestructible. It's the same with the airport."


----------



## petee (Nov 21, 2022)

_The police department assures residents that the secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices remain safe._



			https://cbs12.com/news/local/florida-man-breaks-into-burglarizes-kfc-tampa-police-department-kentucky-freid-chicken-november-18-2022


----------



## seeformiles (Nov 25, 2022)

Not a comical  headline at all. This is more an example of a reporter desperately trying to wring a National story out of an unfortunate local death:









						Amy Winehouse's ex-husband's brother died of overdose in Leeds hotel
					

Freddy Civil, the younger brother of Blake, had absconded from hospital




					www.leeds-live.co.uk


----------



## petee (Dec 1, 2022)

Marine veteran chugs beer from prosthetic leg at Lakers game​


			https://ktla.com/news/local-news/marine-veteran-chugs-beer-from-prosthetic-leg-at-lakers-game/


----------



## seeformiles (Dec 2, 2022)

Made me laugh









						Coca-Cola Christmas truck in flames in Romania
					

The famous red vehicle caught fire while driving down a busy road in the capital Bucharest.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 8, 2022)

I accept that I’m a bad person, but my first thought was ‘wouldn’t that even it all out, then?’








						Wigan shooting victim doused in both acid and alkali - police
					

Murder detectives say Liam Smith's body was found doused in both acid and alkaline substances.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## moochedit (Dec 8, 2022)

petee said:


> _The police department assures residents that the secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices remain safe._



Phew! Was getting worried there


----------



## Indeliblelink (Dec 8, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> I accept that I’m a bad person, but my first thought was ‘wouldn’t that even it all out, then?’
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Someone certainly wanted him neutralized.


----------



## dessiato (Dec 8, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> I accept that I’m a bad person, but my first thought was ‘wouldn’t that even it all out, then?’
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I found this “Det Ch Insp Gina Brennand previously said the "shocking murder of a much-loved family man" was the first fatal shooting in the area for more than two years.” damning with faint praise.


----------



## MrSki (Dec 11, 2022)




----------



## hash tag (Dec 11, 2022)

You would think they would have been foiled in the attempt


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 11, 2022)

we can all guess what that foil was needed for


----------



## danny la rouge (Dec 11, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> we can all guess what that foil was needed for


Putting down the back of radiators to save money on heating.


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 12, 2022)

danny la rouge said:


> Putting down the back of radiators to save money on heating.


how romantic


----------



## bluescreen (Dec 12, 2022)

It's the latest role for this versatile product.


----------



## seeformiles (Dec 12, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> we can all guess what that foil was needed for


Smoking gear?


----------



## Orang Utan (Dec 12, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Smoking gear?


Crack or heroin


----------



## seeformiles (Dec 12, 2022)

Orang Utan said:


> Crack or heroin


Heroin for me please


----------



## killer b (Dec 15, 2022)

I know times are hard for local news orgs, but my local paper appears to be running sex work advertorial content as news - I just had this 'suggested for you' on facebook.


----------



## pseudonarcissus (Dec 15, 2022)

killer b said:


> I know times are hard for local news orgs, but my local paper appears to be running sex work advertorial content as news - I just had this 'suggested for you' on facebook.
> 
> View attachment 355752


"suggested for you" as a new potential income stream, or as a purchaser, do you think?


----------



## killer b (Dec 15, 2022)

pseudonarcissus said:


> "suggested for you" as a new potential income stream, or as a purchaser, do you think?


I'm guessing the resale market for soiled underwear of balding middle aged men isn't particularly lucrative, but then I didn't think I had a fetish for women's pissy pants either. The algo never lies though, so I guess it's got to be one of them.


----------



## ouirdeaux (Dec 15, 2022)

People wouldn't know you were bald and middle-aged from your underwear, I'm guessing. If you wore female underwear, they wouldn't even know you were male.


----------



## mx wcfc (Dec 16, 2022)

Eastleigh  is this exciting









						Eastleigh: Bins frozen shut 'can't be collected'
					

Residents in the Eastleigh Borough Council area are being warned to check their bin can be opened.



					www.bbc.co.uk


----------



## bluescreen (Dec 16, 2022)

mx wcfc said:


> Eastleigh  is this exciting
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah, same here. We were told to stick a stick under the lid or else. 

I sorted our bins, except for one where I left the snow on top, which melted and refroze. 

But anyway there was too much snow on the road that the council had been able to make safe so the council was unable to collect bins anyway.


----------



## elbows (Dec 16, 2022)

My local rag loves to write Pete Doherty stories because he went to school in Bedworth for a time.

This finally delivered results fit for this thread.










						Pete Doherty 'spontaneously combusted' after biting Christmas light wires
					

Rock star who studied his A-levels in Bedworth says it left him with a white streak in his hair




					www.coventrytelegraph.net


----------



## hash tag (Dec 16, 2022)

Thank you, have a nice day....


			Starship food-delivery robot 'politely thanks' helper after getting stuck on ice


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## petee (Dec 21, 2022)

*HALLUCINOGENIC SPINACH*









						Weed responsible for hallucinogenic spinach recall identified as thornapple
					

Riviera Farms says Victorian health authorities confirmed nightshade had contaminated spinach, with neighbouring crops now being destroyed




					www.theguardian.com
				




_Eating the plant can cause: thirst, dilated pupils, high temperatures, weak or rapid pulse, incoherence or hallucinations, vomiting, breathing problems and convulsions._

damn.


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## Dystopiary (Dec 21, 2022)

> A lorry has been stopped by police on the M4 after it was seen carrying a 50-metre load. Gwent Police and the Driver and Vehicle Standards Agency stopped the lorry on the motorway near Monmouthshire on Friday, October 14.
> 
> The force was conducting an abnormal load operation at the Pilning Interchange, Junction 22, when they pulled over the flat-bed lorry and inspected the vehicle. Pictures shared by the force on social media show the lorry carrying the load hanging metres from the rear of the vehicle.





Spoiler: well bloody hell







Apparently they were carrying a load of 94 tonnnes.


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## hash tag (Dec 22, 2022)

What did the police think they could do; impound it?


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## cupid_stunt (Dec 22, 2022)

This is what they found.



> Inspectors found that the lorry was carrying a load of 94 tonnes, which was over the vehicle’s design weight, the vehicle did not have enough axles on the ground, there were incorrect details on the movement order and on the special order, and the driver had deviated from the route on the movement order.











						Police stop lorry on the M4 carrying huge 50-metre load hanging off the back
					

Police were left so shocked they shared the images on social media




					www.walesonline.co.uk


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## two sheds (Dec 22, 2022)

They've got safety flags on the back what else do people want?


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## jannerboyuk (Dec 22, 2022)




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## JimW (Dec 22, 2022)

jannerboyuk said:


> View attachment 356690


Fire in the hole!


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## AverageJoe (Dec 22, 2022)

hash tag said:


> Thank you, have a nice day....
> 
> 
> Starship food-delivery robot 'politely thanks' helper after getting stuck on ice


Want!!!


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## hitmouse (Dec 22, 2022)

petee said:


> Marine veteran chugs beer from prosthetic leg at Lakers game​
> 
> 
> https://ktla.com/news/local-news/marine-veteran-chugs-beer-from-prosthetic-leg-at-lakers-game/


...Has anyone else seen The Saddest Music in the World?


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## Dystopiary (Dec 22, 2022)

cupid_stunt said:


> This is what they found.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Oops, thanks! Forgot to post the link.


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## danny la rouge (Dec 22, 2022)

jannerboyuk said:


> View attachment 356690


Sounds like they just happened across it while doing something else!


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## seeformiles (Dec 23, 2022)

Nice seasonal one









						Man thinks he's found 'baby Jesus' in a packet of Revels
					

'I couldn't bring myself to eat it.'




					metro.co.uk


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## MrSki (Dec 23, 2022)




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## moochedit (Dec 23, 2022)

Urgent warning over tubs of Quality Street and Celebrations
					

West Yorkshire police have issued the urgent warning after officers seized £300k worth of cannabis in disguise, in a bid to target children




					www.walesonline.co.uk


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## ouirdeaux (Dec 23, 2022)

seeformiles said:


> Nice seasonal one
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Aren't you supposed to eat the body of Jesus?


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## mx wcfc (Dec 23, 2022)

Let's face it, we've all done it.


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## hash tag (Dec 23, 2022)

Floating restaurant sinks 








						Sinking floating restaurant 'is going down like the Titanic'
					

The Miller & Carter begun to sink midway through this morning




					www.walesonline.co.uk


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## hash tag (Dec 24, 2022)

Question is, was the farm left behind by the police, man?









						‘Million pound’ cannabis farm found in old Streatham police station
					

Plants discovered after bungling drug dealers spark huge fire after reportedly trying to ‘steal electricity’ to power growing lamps




					www.standard.co.uk


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## Puddy_Tat (Dec 24, 2022)

not a local paper but









						Pub-crawling Santas get armoured vehicle stuck in Cornish hedge
					

Traffic blocked after vintage vehicle carrying several Santas gets wedged in narrow lane




					www.theguardian.com


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## moochedit (Dec 24, 2022)

mx wcfc said:


> Let's face it, we've all done it.


I may regret asking this but how does he pay with his penis?


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## SpookyFrank (Dec 27, 2022)

moochedit said:


> I may regret asking this but how does he pay with his penis?



Hopefully it was a contactless transaction.


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## bluescreen (Dec 27, 2022)

moochedit said:


> I may regret asking this but how does he pay with his penis?


His _pennies_. His saved up pennies, that were burning a hole in his (front) pocket.

Edit: He was hard up, you see.


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## poppy60 (Dec 28, 2022)

petee said:


> *HALLUCINOGENIC SPINACH*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


shit


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## cupid_stunt (Dec 30, 2022)

Christmas statue 'decapitated' - community slam 'mindless' vandals
					

A community group has slammed "mindless" vandals after a Christmas statue was "decapitated".




					www.theargus.co.uk
				






> A spokeswoman for the company said: “The Worthing town centre initiative fund the Christmas lighting, toy soldier and Christmas Tree Trails and we hope they bring lots of festive pleasure to residents and visitors to Worthing.
> 
> "There has been some damage this year, including the walkthrough Christmas Tree in South Street Square and a couple of the toy soldiers."
> 
> *"Unfortunately one soldier was decapitated but we have located the head and we will rebuild him."*



**


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## cupid_stunt (Dec 30, 2022)

Shakes fist at the sky, howls at the moon, or scream at the sea...

Scream at the Sea 2022 sees Worthing residents air their grievances at the top of their voices.



> Scream at the Sea 2022 saw a group of around 20 join Joe Bunn, Bard of Worthing, on the seafront to air their grievances and shout them at the top of their voices.
> 
> The shouting and screaming were enhanced by drums, gongs and other noise makers as the group spread around the wall at Splash Point to scream at the sea.
> Joe said he had carried out the ritual on his own for the past four years, so it was great to have a group of people turn up to join him.
> ...





> The time was set for 2pm on Thursday, December 29, and Joe handed out a ritual he had written for the occasion.
> 
> It read: "We the mighty few, gathered and true, ready to scream at the sea. We bring grievances and sorrow. We start anew, put last year's pain in the deep. We bring old lungs to freshen. We bring harsh words to strengthen ourselves against what we won't keep and we scream at the sea."


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## JimW (Dec 30, 2022)

Why can't they use the telly like everyone else?


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## hash tag (Dec 30, 2022)

Sort of local and misposted on wrong thread. Merry Christmas









						Doncaster surgery sends cancer text instead of festive message
					

Patients at Askern Medical Practice are told they have aggressive lung cancer in a messaging error.



					www.bbc.co.uk


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## seeformiles (Jan 3, 2023)




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## Maggot (Jan 5, 2023)

They could have referred to him more tactfully.


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## Indeliblelink (Sunday at 6:23 PM)

New Year’s Eve fireworks cancelled because of masturbating walrus​


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## pseudonarcissus (Sunday at 7:03 PM)

Indeliblelink said:


> New Year’s Eve fireworks cancelled because of masturbating walrus​


…that fucked off to Blythe just before midnight


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## Orang Utan (Sunday at 11:12 PM)

Don’t blame Thor. I spent a night in Scarborough once and had an altercation with a racist Elvis impersonator


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## MrSki (Monday at 6:51 AM)




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## seeformiles (Monday at 9:53 AM)




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## moochedit (Monday at 10:58 PM)

Cov cat shaver strikes again as pet comes home with missing fur
					

A resident reveals her pet has been targeted




					www.coventrytelegraph.net


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## two sheds (Monday at 11:04 PM)

that should go national


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## moochedit (Monday at 11:33 PM)

.


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## MrSki (Tuesday at 8:00 AM)




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## hitmouse (Yesterday at 6:23 PM)

More marine mammal news, wasn't sure if this headline belongs here or in the Guardian thread: 








						Anglers despair as trapped seal eats Essex lake’s stocks like it’s ‘in Waitrose’
					

Animal has been evading capture from Rochford fishing lake since mid-December




					www.theguardian.com


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## ouirdeaux (Yesterday at 6:24 PM)

It's inaccurate, to say the least. I've never seen anyone eat raw fish in Waitrose. Not even seals.


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## hash tag (Yesterday at 6:27 PM)

That quote was also on radio 4 this morning.
Raw fish in Waitrose; sushi?
Don't some Waitrose even have sushi bars now?


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## Orang Utan (Yesterday at 8:27 PM)

ouirdeaux said:


> It's inaccurate, to say the least. I've never seen anyone eat raw fish in Waitrose. Not even seals.


They have a sushi counter


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## hash tag (Yesterday at 8:51 PM)

Orang Utan said:


> They have a sushi counter


No way. Your aving a larf.


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## Orang Utan (Yesterday at 9:04 PM)

hash tag said:


> No way. Your aving a larf.


Nope. Sainsbury’s has one too


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## T & P (Yesterday at 9:13 PM)

Orang Utan said:


> They have a sushi counter


I like sushi but I’m not very knowledgeable of of the offerings each sushi outlet might offer. As far as Waitrose’s and Sainsbury’s pre-packaged sushi boxes go, is there anything in  any of them that can be genuinely be described as raw fish? The ones I’ve bought had nothing more radical than smoked salmon, prawns and the likes, and I don’t think those qualify as raw fish. Perhaps they have more offerings over the counter though.


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## Orang Utan (Yesterday at 9:16 PM)

T & P said:


> I like sushi but I’m not very knowledgeable of of the offerings each sushi outlet might offer. As far as Waitrose’s and Sainsbury’s pre-packaged sushi boxes go, is there anything in  any of them that can be genuinely be described as raw fish? The ones I’ve bought had nothing more radical than smoked salmon, prawns and the likes, and I don’t think those qualify as raw fish. Perhaps they have more offerings over the counter though.


I dunno. I like sushi and sashimi, so have only ate supermarket sushi once or twice. I tastes of nothing until you squidgy a lot of wasabi on it


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## T & P (Yesterday at 9:20 PM)

Orang Utan said:


> I dunno. I like sushi and sashimi, so have only ate supermarket sushi once or twice. I tastes of nothing until you squidgy a lot of wasabi on it


And then all you taste is your salty tears as they roll down to your mouth.


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## danny la rouge (Yesterday at 11:31 PM)

hash tag said:


> That quote was also on radio 4 this morning.
> Raw fish in Waitrose; sushi?
> Don't some Waitrose even have sushi bars now?


The big Tesco in Maryhill has a _Yo! Sushi_ counter.


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## hash tag (Today at 9:14 AM)

Waitrose sells prepacked snacks of vegetarian sushi and thats enough for me. It seems that sushi bars have replaced cheese counters, which is a tragedy.


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## dessiato (Today at 9:34 AM)

hash tag said:


> Waitrose sells prepacked snacks of vegetarian sushi and thats enough for me. It seems that sushi bars have replaced cheese counters, which is a tragedy.


Our local Tesco has closed fish, butcher's, and specialist deli.

It's a tragedy. All the good stuff I used to love is only available as prepacked


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## Orang Utan (Today at 5:50 PM)

hash tag said:


> Waitrose sells prepacked snacks of vegetarian sushi and thats enough for me. It seems that sushi bars have replaced cheese counters, which is a tragedy.


All sushi is vegetarian.
Sushi counters haven’t replaced cheese counters


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## hash tag (Today at 6:06 PM)

Orang Utan said:


> All sushi is vegetarian.
> Sushi counters haven’t replaced cheese counters


Very rarely is sushi vegetarian


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## Orang Utan (Today at 6:06 PM)

hash tag said:


> Very rarely is sushi vegetarian


It literally is


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## hash tag (Today at 6:07 PM)

Orang Utan said:


> It literally is


Most sushi has fish in it.


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## Orang Utan (Today at 6:09 PM)

hash tag said:


> Most sushi has fish in it.


No it doesn’t. It may have fish with it though


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## seeformiles (Today at 6:27 PM)

hash tag said:


> Very rarely is sushi vegetarian


Strictly speaking, Sushi is vinegared rice. You can add meat, fish and veg but it’s still vinegared rice


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## hash tag (Today at 6:30 PM)

From wiki "It is very often prepared with seafood, such as squid, eel, yellowtail, salmon, tuna or imitation crab meat."


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## ouirdeaux (Today at 6:32 PM)

Pasta and potatoes are very often prepared with all sorts of things, but they're vegetarian.


----------

