punch archive

more slapees back nominations: your votes weird ones fuckwits nominate!

Esther Rantzen I admire Rantzen, lots of good work for charity and she's got a heart of gold. But if rantzen came round my house, scratched up my car with her keys, pissed in my letterbox, then vomited, on the floor, in front of my wife and kids! I should say OI RANTZEN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Shove your heart of gold up yer dirtbox. [email protected] portillo This unctuous, slimy little parasite, trying to reinvent himself as a caring politician (usually mutually exclusive phrases)really makes me want to throw up. His hilarious SAS speech to the Tory Congress sticks in my mind as the most right-wing, pathetic attempts at rabble rousing that I've ever heard. I am a peaceful man, who lives by the credo "Do No Harm", but his case I'd like to be alone in a room with him, an electric cattle prod and a bag of nails. [email protected] Mark Morrison The man has no appreciation of humanity, courtesy or shame and his pride is completely misplaced due to a ridiculously over-inflated ego. He's a pretentious, cheating bigot, with no thought for his common man, and especially not for women. He gives it all the large; making out he's some kind of hardcore gangster whereas really he's just some overdressed git from Leicester. Then, and this is what really gets me, he walks round giving it all the 'only God can judge me'. I don't personally know God (very few do, I suspect), but from what I've read and heard about him I believe Mack will find himself as popular with him as he is in court. The sentence, I hear, is a little more severe when it comes to judgement by your creator so it looks like the self-righteous twat will have to try and find another fool to take his place again. [email protected] Tara Palmer Tomkinson I hate her - She is Famous for NOTHING but being rich. I wish our aristocracy would keep themselves to themselves and stop flaunting their money in front of the paparazzi. No one cares about her or her wank coloumn in the Sunday Times!!!! [email protected] Celine Dion Because she is an ugly mooseheaded fucking canadian cow-tossing heathen with an attrocious french accent. Even though she's has french canadian blood doesn't give her the right to act like a real fucking useless french frog with no fucking idea of what warrants a half decent song! For fuck's sake!! [email protected] Mary Chipperfield Her obscene cruelty to animals and for her carrying on of stupid fucking circus'. Stupid bitch deserves to have her toe nails pulled off and then to have her face right next to a blow torch and then to drive an axe right down the middle of her fucking skull. Sign the petition against Mary Chipperfield Jamie Steiner [email protected] Vanessa Feltz Because she deserves it, and she smells. Paul Brownsmith [email protected] STEPS and Pete Waterman, the fuckers. These people should not only be beaten senseless to within an inch of their godforsaken lives, but made to have the general public PARK THEIR BIKES IN THE CRACKS OF THEIR ARSEHOLES. Please give us a 'park your bike in the crack of a bastard's arsehole' page as a little slap just doesn't seem enough for some of these tiresome shits. Waterman must be ritually humiliated 'cos he's a fat old cunt face who couldn't write a good song to save his fucking life, yet amazingly he gets richer still from the naiivity of pre pubescent girls and their desire to squander what little money they recieve from their unaware parents on mind numbingly STUPID fucking PAP MUSIC. [email protected] Jack Straw Because he is a prat who takes Tony Thatcher's challenge to out-Tory the Tories much too seriously. He increases fear of crime to justify continuing to harden criminals rather than thinking about the causes of crime. The result is a double- whammy: Locking up criminals in evil institutions and locking us up in our fear with his dire policies and his refusal, or inability, to think. Sean Linehan AA Gill Mr Gill is a racist tosspot who should be shot for his derogatory comments about Wales. It just goes to show what kind of newspaper that The Times really is, employin this fucking wanker [email protected] Cilla Black I am a Scouser and as Cilla is a scouser too, I should be proud of her. But I hate that goofy fucking ginger shitbiscuit!!! Have you seen 'Suprise Suprise'?? Have you seen the way she 'attempts' to sing the title music?? Fuckin 'ell. She needs murdering not fuckin' slappin. FUCK OFF!!!!! [email protected] Baroness Young She and much of the rest of the House of Lords proved last summer, when they further enshrined homophobia, that their existence is a slap in the face of democracy Davina, [email protected] Maggie Thatcher She is the height of all evil, she took tea with the evil genocidal maniac, bashed unionists and the working class everywhere, was a horrible right-wing monetarist who destroyed the welfare state and believed in the rights of those with money...and only those with money, and, possibly worst of all here diabolical acheivements, the Poll Tax! (Yes it was a long time ago, but I'm still scarred by the memory!) Adam George-Wood/[email protected] FURBEE!!!!!! That fuzzy little asshole is selling for up too 2,000 dollars around here!!! That little fucker needs to be shot, stuffed, and mounted on my wall! [email protected] Producers of Weetabix adverts The no-brained lumps that decided to put gash music to fuzzy lyrics about some cow and a boy scout should be shot out of Geoff Capes arse. Even worse I keep singing LOLA for some strange reason [email protected] Mr *fucking* Murdoch The man is a greedy, fucking tosser, wanker, plonker, bugger, prick, dickhead, shit and every other swearword in every language under this sun. Plus his want of world domination, plus the fact that he's a male chaunivinist pig and has recently taken over Man Utd for the money and he's gonna RUIN Man U and football. THE MAN SHOULD BE SHOT!!! Tash/[email protected] David Beckham Because anyone who can let down a whole country because he hasn't got a decent education and therfore learnt to control his petulance. Just a couple of slaps mind, he's our footballing future and we don't want him to do it again [email protected] Gerhard Schoder He is a bigamous bastard with all the charisma of a breeze block. He no policies, and is a Blairite. [email protected] the entire bleeping US Congress... for the *new* Communications Decency Act. yes, folks, it's law. not that this one is any more constitutional than the last one or infringes on my rights any less. when are you going to get it, boys? if i want to save some teenager's life by putting up a website about safe sex and sexuality issues, i'm going to fucking do it. wankers. just a concerned voter... Alex Ferguson he is an arrogant arsehole who think that the referee should play 20 minutes of injury time if his team is losing. also that man utd have the God given right to win everything and that no player should tackle or take the ball off his players. Alex buy a sense of humour and fair play and share it with the rest of the arseholes at your club. [email protected] Soeharto He had been a dictator of Indonesia for more than 30 years. He and his family suck the blood of the whole indonesians! [email protected] Barbie The plastic petite flower and her virtual rock group are releasing a new single entitled 'Boys Will Be Boys.' Enough with the subtle(?) socialization of young girls already. Why not just come out in the open and say, 'Hey, little ladies! The only way to live a happy, fulfilling life is to be a subservient fuckwhore/chef for your main man. If you don't, you must be some commie radical lesbo femi-nazi. For shame.' [email protected] Whatever asswipe created Ally McBeal Some clever bastard has ingeniously managed to infiltrate his way into the media with some pisswank story about an apparently strong and independent woman who (surprise surprise) turns out to be a failure, weak and dependent... and millions out there lap it up saying 'no, she's a lawyer, good role model, nice role model, have a fucking biscuit role model.' [email protected] Want more? Click here or nominate you own slapee!

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